1987brian
member since 06/23/2009 |
last login 07/12/2012
I work a boring 9 to 5 job in a factory in sunny Scotland. It has never been a lifetime ambition of mine to write screenplays or be involved with movies of any kind actually, that has only just happened over the...
Bio
I work a boring 9 to 5 job in a factory in sunny Scotland. It has never been a lifetime ambition of mine to write screenplays or be involved with movies of any kind actually, that has only just happened over the past year. I write because I know I can do better than the rubbish that gets produced nowadays. I've learned all the formatting rules, now for the writing. I've written one complete script so far.
Submissions by 1987brian
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Reviews by 1987brian 11
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A review of Snow Angelby 1987brian on 07/08/2009It’s easy to see why this is in the daily favorites. Drama is not usually my thing, but I thought I would read at least 30 pages before deciding if I could continue and give a fair review and I’m glad I did. This really was something else. Your writing is outstanding, very clean, professional looking and easy on the eye. None of the descriptions felt awkward or out of place... It’s easy to see why this is in the daily favorites. Drama is not usually my thing, but I thought I would read at least 30 pages before deciding if I could continue and give a fair review and I’m glad I did. This really was something else. Your writing is outstanding, very clean, professional looking and easy on the eye. None of the descriptions felt awkward or out of place. The pages flew by, and I enjoyed every one of them. Maybe one small mistake at the very bottom of page 94, Jewli says “Don’t cry, Mommy.” Is that not supposed to be Max saying that line?
The story was a real tear-jerker, especially the ending. When Max says she was asking for an angel to watch over her angel, I got a shiver up my spine. That’s an example of how powerful this piece actually was. Max thinking she was called after a dog, shoot on confidence and always in the frame of mind that she can’t do nothing right. Great character. Anna too, well developed, we continue to learn more about her even in the later pages. I could go on and on about how much I love this and how highly I rate it and although that’s always nice to hear, I think you will be looking for ways to improve this gem even further.
One thing I wish could be added, is a small scene in the middle of the movie with Derek. It felt strange that he appeared at the end but Anna says he’s harmless even though the last time we saw him, he was holding a gun at her. Just one small, minor scene somewhere in the middle might help show us that Derek regrets robbing Anna and then in the end we will know he is harmless when he approaches.
Jewli’s character might need a small bit of tweaking. I hated her at first, with the way she treated Max and even Anna when she was trying to help. This was what you intended, especially in the early pages but nearing the end, I wasn’t feeling much different. She still hadn’t done much to change my views. Sure, she got a flaming head tatoo covered with a flower or something but that’s the extent of it. Instead of covering the tatoo up, maybe she could get a new tatoo of a love heart with Max’s name in it. It would show us that she really does care about Max because there are times when it doesn’t feel that way at all. Another way of endearing her to the audience would be for her to save Max in the end. Instead of Max running back into the building, she could stay outside but have her back to Anna and the gunshots. When the shots go off, Jewli could pull Max to the ground with her.
Other things need to be developed slightly, like Will’s character. We need to know a bit more about him and why they split up. Surely if they left on talking terms and he stayed nearby, Anna wouldn’t have been so lonely when contemplating suicide on the roof. Also, a more satisfying ending with the Senator getting what’s coming to her would help. That was the only sour point in the great finale.
Overall, this is top notch. Hands down, the best screenplay I’ve read so far on this site. The way you handled the relationships impressed me most. Outstanding work! read -
A review of Kira & the Imaginary Dinosaurby 1987brian on 07/05/2009This was an interesting little fantasy script and although it’s aimed at kids, I still found it cute in a way. I don’t think there’s much of a story or adventure going on for this to work as a full length feature film in a cinema, but for me it would definitely work as a special on a kids channel on a Saturday morning. I don’t know which you were aiming for. Well, the story... This was an interesting little fantasy script and although it’s aimed at kids, I still found it cute in a way. I don’t think there’s much of a story or adventure going on for this to work as a full length feature film in a cinema, but for me it would definitely work as a special on a kids channel on a Saturday morning. I don’t know which you were aiming for.
Well, the story is fairly simple. The animated scenes were standouts, but were not connected in any way, like one big adventure in her imagination with Bina that has a start, middle and end. Instead, it is just random scenes with Pirates, sharks, Dragons, Vampires and much more. They were entertaining and kids would love them on screen without a doubt. Only the last scene with Bina in the school does Kira learn her lesson. I do think that if all the scenes with Bina were linked together for one big adventure throughout the movie split up with the real life scenes with Kira struggling to interact with anyone and becoming a bit of a loner. It would also explain more why Kira wants to be alone with Bina, so they can go back and continue with their adventure in the little animated land you created.
I had reservations early on if the animated and real life scenes in the same movie would work but in the end, I think it did, so I take that back. One thing I would work on, would be the length of some of the real life scenes. Some of them were drawn out, like when we first meet the family, all they do is talk about food. It doesn’t mean anything or move the story forward in anyway. Having a reference or two is fine as it tells us something about the character, for example Tom doesn’t like drinking from a can of pop that has been left open, but it gets very repetitive. I think you will be surprised yourself if you go over this and count how many times food or pop is mentioned in the dialogue. They could really do with talking about something else.
Characters were fine. I only had problems with one and that was Susan. In the end, her kids try to protect her and we should sympathise with her because Kurt is such an aggressive idiot. Kurt talks down to everyone and bullies the kids and you really meant for us to hate him. You did that, mission accomplished. Susan on the other hand, turns out to be just as bad. I think Joey asks her if he can go over and play at Kira’s and her exact words are “I don’t care”. That immediately made me hate her. For your ending to work, we need to feel sorry for Susan for the abusive relationship she is stuck in while trying to care for her kids. That gives the kids a reason to protect her in the end.
Dialogue was fine. Sometimes Kira sounded way to smart to be a three year old but in animated movies that works, but in the real life scenes, this could be a major problem. You might need to think of a way around this. I’ve already touched on the parents dialogue and how they could talk about something other than food. That should also be looked at.
Overall, this would be quite good if you can find a real adventure for Bina and Kira while keeping the story with Joey and family. It will be interesting to see what you do with it. read -
A review of Hudson Fallsby 1987brian on 07/04/2009Your writing is excellent, very professional, clear and straight to the point. No long paragraphs of needless information which made this a breeze to read through. It’s probably one of the quickest screenplays I’ve read. The story was fairly standard and nothing ground breaking but that can be said for nearly every slasher on the market nowadays. The most important thing,... Your writing is excellent, very professional, clear and straight to the point. No long paragraphs of needless information which made this a breeze to read through. It’s probably one of the quickest screenplays I’ve read.
The story was fairly standard and nothing ground breaking but that can be said for nearly every slasher on the market nowadays. The most important thing, however, is that this was fun. The interaction between the characters was the strongest point of the script. I laughed at many of the lines and was counting the pages til the next guy made a joke about the size of his or someone else’s private parts.
You handled the two time periods well. The dialogue in the scenes from 1692 sounded natural to me, although I’m far from an expert on that subject. It did confuse me for a minute when George said he had been waiting 300 years for this, and to be honest, it still isn’t 100% clear to me. Maybe you could add a few lines of dialogue to fully clarify this. The opening scene was powerful but little else happened for another 40 or so pages, which runs the risk of disappointing slasher fans.
Characters were good. The dialogue helped immensely with that. Dana, however, came across a bit flat in places. There were times earlier in the script when I was wondering why her friends put up with her. Like when she completely over reacted after the ghost story and wanted to drive home, it didn’t do anything for her character. In a good number of her lines early on, she did nothing but moan and question things. There are other ways you can show her having fun with her friends while showing the problems she had with the letter are still on her mind. First impressions are everything, and I can’t say I liked Dana in the first 30 pages. In contrast, later on in the script, she shares a joke and laughs with Jack while the killer is in sight standing by the boat. Talk about bad timing. The end result was, when she was tied to the stake, I didn’t really feel bad for her, which I should do as she’s the lead.
The only other character I had a problem with was Billie. He is our main bad guy but I don’t think we really got to find out how scary he really is. There was a great opportunity for some suspense when Jack and Dana found the earrings while he entered the house. Instead of a chase around the creepy old house, or even just them hiding while he passes by only a few feet away or something, they bail out quickly with only Jack’s jacket getting caught in the window the only obstacle. Also the name struck me as rather odd. Billie Piper? It was hard to imagine a psycho killer called Billie Piper when he has the exact same name as the famous English ‘actress’ or pop star, whatever. Maybe die hard Dr Who fans will find this a little distracting, it was not a major problem for me but I’ll mention it incase it does bother others. The rest of the characters did their job, Monica did seem a bit odd as she wasn’t scared when the killing started but other than that, you did a great job.
The death scenes satisfied me. Special mention for Sandy running into the blades she found earlier. That was different and unexpected. I also liked the nail file in the eye death, it was a welcome change from the axe. All the deaths were very sudden though. There wasn’t much in the way of long chase scenes or suspense or tension before the deaths. Maybe you could someone trying to escape in the car and Billie giving chase in his truck or something to mix it up a bit. Or a longer, more suspenseful scene in the junk yard as Billie tries to find someone hiding there, maybe have someone fight back and get the better of Billie at one point. Things to consider anyway.
Small note, I didn't find much mistakes but I wasn't really looking. I did notice two cases of you using Nitin's name in the dialogue when you were meaning other characters. Nitin should be George on page 13 near the bottom and Nitin should be Tom on page 42, last line of dialogue.
Overall, I was very pleased that I got to read this. It was very professional writing from someone who obviously knows what they are doing. It was a fun read and a very quick one at that. Well done! read
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Submissions by 1987brian
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Reviews by 1987brian 11
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A review of Snow Angelby 1987brian on 07/08/2009It’s easy to see why this is in the daily favorites. Drama is not usually my thing, but I thought I would read at least 30 pages before deciding if I could continue and give a fair review and I’m glad I did. This really was something else. Your writing is outstanding, very clean, professional looking and easy on the eye. None of the descriptions felt awkward or out of place... It’s easy to see why this is in the daily favorites. Drama is not usually my thing, but I thought I would read at least 30 pages before deciding if I could continue and give a fair review and I’m glad I did. This really was something else. Your writing is outstanding, very clean, professional looking and easy on the eye. None of the descriptions felt awkward or out of place. The pages flew by, and I enjoyed every one of them. Maybe one small mistake at the very bottom of page 94, Jewli says “Don’t cry, Mommy.” Is that not supposed to be Max saying that line?
The story was a real tear-jerker, especially the ending. When Max says she was asking for an angel to watch over her angel, I got a shiver up my spine. That’s an example of how powerful this piece actually was. Max thinking she was called after a dog, shoot on confidence and always in the frame of mind that she can’t do nothing right. Great character. Anna too, well developed, we continue to learn more about her even in the later pages. I could go on and on about how much I love this and how highly I rate it and although that’s always nice to hear, I think you will be looking for ways to improve this gem even further.
One thing I wish could be added, is a small scene in the middle of the movie with Derek. It felt strange that he appeared at the end but Anna says he’s harmless even though the last time we saw him, he was holding a gun at her. Just one small, minor scene somewhere in the middle might help show us that Derek regrets robbing Anna and then in the end we will know he is harmless when he approaches.
Jewli’s character might need a small bit of tweaking. I hated her at first, with the way she treated Max and even Anna when she was trying to help. This was what you intended, especially in the early pages but nearing the end, I wasn’t feeling much different. She still hadn’t done much to change my views. Sure, she got a flaming head tatoo covered with a flower or something but that’s the extent of it. Instead of covering the tatoo up, maybe she could get a new tatoo of a love heart with Max’s name in it. It would show us that she really does care about Max because there are times when it doesn’t feel that way at all. Another way of endearing her to the audience would be for her to save Max in the end. Instead of Max running back into the building, she could stay outside but have her back to Anna and the gunshots. When the shots go off, Jewli could pull Max to the ground with her.
Other things need to be developed slightly, like Will’s character. We need to know a bit more about him and why they split up. Surely if they left on talking terms and he stayed nearby, Anna wouldn’t have been so lonely when contemplating suicide on the roof. Also, a more satisfying ending with the Senator getting what’s coming to her would help. That was the only sour point in the great finale.
Overall, this is top notch. Hands down, the best screenplay I’ve read so far on this site. The way you handled the relationships impressed me most. Outstanding work! read -
A review of Kira & the Imaginary Dinosaurby 1987brian on 07/05/2009This was an interesting little fantasy script and although it’s aimed at kids, I still found it cute in a way. I don’t think there’s much of a story or adventure going on for this to work as a full length feature film in a cinema, but for me it would definitely work as a special on a kids channel on a Saturday morning. I don’t know which you were aiming for. Well, the story... This was an interesting little fantasy script and although it’s aimed at kids, I still found it cute in a way. I don’t think there’s much of a story or adventure going on for this to work as a full length feature film in a cinema, but for me it would definitely work as a special on a kids channel on a Saturday morning. I don’t know which you were aiming for.
Well, the story is fairly simple. The animated scenes were standouts, but were not connected in any way, like one big adventure in her imagination with Bina that has a start, middle and end. Instead, it is just random scenes with Pirates, sharks, Dragons, Vampires and much more. They were entertaining and kids would love them on screen without a doubt. Only the last scene with Bina in the school does Kira learn her lesson. I do think that if all the scenes with Bina were linked together for one big adventure throughout the movie split up with the real life scenes with Kira struggling to interact with anyone and becoming a bit of a loner. It would also explain more why Kira wants to be alone with Bina, so they can go back and continue with their adventure in the little animated land you created.
I had reservations early on if the animated and real life scenes in the same movie would work but in the end, I think it did, so I take that back. One thing I would work on, would be the length of some of the real life scenes. Some of them were drawn out, like when we first meet the family, all they do is talk about food. It doesn’t mean anything or move the story forward in anyway. Having a reference or two is fine as it tells us something about the character, for example Tom doesn’t like drinking from a can of pop that has been left open, but it gets very repetitive. I think you will be surprised yourself if you go over this and count how many times food or pop is mentioned in the dialogue. They could really do with talking about something else.
Characters were fine. I only had problems with one and that was Susan. In the end, her kids try to protect her and we should sympathise with her because Kurt is such an aggressive idiot. Kurt talks down to everyone and bullies the kids and you really meant for us to hate him. You did that, mission accomplished. Susan on the other hand, turns out to be just as bad. I think Joey asks her if he can go over and play at Kira’s and her exact words are “I don’t care”. That immediately made me hate her. For your ending to work, we need to feel sorry for Susan for the abusive relationship she is stuck in while trying to care for her kids. That gives the kids a reason to protect her in the end.
Dialogue was fine. Sometimes Kira sounded way to smart to be a three year old but in animated movies that works, but in the real life scenes, this could be a major problem. You might need to think of a way around this. I’ve already touched on the parents dialogue and how they could talk about something other than food. That should also be looked at.
Overall, this would be quite good if you can find a real adventure for Bina and Kira while keeping the story with Joey and family. It will be interesting to see what you do with it. read -
A review of Hudson Fallsby 1987brian on 07/04/2009Your writing is excellent, very professional, clear and straight to the point. No long paragraphs of needless information which made this a breeze to read through. It’s probably one of the quickest screenplays I’ve read. The story was fairly standard and nothing ground breaking but that can be said for nearly every slasher on the market nowadays. The most important thing,... Your writing is excellent, very professional, clear and straight to the point. No long paragraphs of needless information which made this a breeze to read through. It’s probably one of the quickest screenplays I’ve read.
The story was fairly standard and nothing ground breaking but that can be said for nearly every slasher on the market nowadays. The most important thing, however, is that this was fun. The interaction between the characters was the strongest point of the script. I laughed at many of the lines and was counting the pages til the next guy made a joke about the size of his or someone else’s private parts.
You handled the two time periods well. The dialogue in the scenes from 1692 sounded natural to me, although I’m far from an expert on that subject. It did confuse me for a minute when George said he had been waiting 300 years for this, and to be honest, it still isn’t 100% clear to me. Maybe you could add a few lines of dialogue to fully clarify this. The opening scene was powerful but little else happened for another 40 or so pages, which runs the risk of disappointing slasher fans.
Characters were good. The dialogue helped immensely with that. Dana, however, came across a bit flat in places. There were times earlier in the script when I was wondering why her friends put up with her. Like when she completely over reacted after the ghost story and wanted to drive home, it didn’t do anything for her character. In a good number of her lines early on, she did nothing but moan and question things. There are other ways you can show her having fun with her friends while showing the problems she had with the letter are still on her mind. First impressions are everything, and I can’t say I liked Dana in the first 30 pages. In contrast, later on in the script, she shares a joke and laughs with Jack while the killer is in sight standing by the boat. Talk about bad timing. The end result was, when she was tied to the stake, I didn’t really feel bad for her, which I should do as she’s the lead.
The only other character I had a problem with was Billie. He is our main bad guy but I don’t think we really got to find out how scary he really is. There was a great opportunity for some suspense when Jack and Dana found the earrings while he entered the house. Instead of a chase around the creepy old house, or even just them hiding while he passes by only a few feet away or something, they bail out quickly with only Jack’s jacket getting caught in the window the only obstacle. Also the name struck me as rather odd. Billie Piper? It was hard to imagine a psycho killer called Billie Piper when he has the exact same name as the famous English ‘actress’ or pop star, whatever. Maybe die hard Dr Who fans will find this a little distracting, it was not a major problem for me but I’ll mention it incase it does bother others. The rest of the characters did their job, Monica did seem a bit odd as she wasn’t scared when the killing started but other than that, you did a great job.
The death scenes satisfied me. Special mention for Sandy running into the blades she found earlier. That was different and unexpected. I also liked the nail file in the eye death, it was a welcome change from the axe. All the deaths were very sudden though. There wasn’t much in the way of long chase scenes or suspense or tension before the deaths. Maybe you could someone trying to escape in the car and Billie giving chase in his truck or something to mix it up a bit. Or a longer, more suspenseful scene in the junk yard as Billie tries to find someone hiding there, maybe have someone fight back and get the better of Billie at one point. Things to consider anyway.
Small note, I didn't find much mistakes but I wasn't really looking. I did notice two cases of you using Nitin's name in the dialogue when you were meaning other characters. Nitin should be George on page 13 near the bottom and Nitin should be Tom on page 42, last line of dialogue.
Overall, I was very pleased that I got to read this. It was very professional writing from someone who obviously knows what they are doing. It was a fun read and a very quick one at that. Well done! read -
A review of WhoShotWho (old Vers)by 1987brian on 07/02/2009This was an entertaining piece, it flowed well, enough action, plenty of humor. It does get confusing, well, for me at least but I did enjoy this for the most part. There’s definitely a bit of Pulp Fiction in this! The action was handled perfectly. A great shoot-out at the end, but why were they firing at Darla? What did she do? Maybe I missed something. I also hoped you would... This was an entertaining piece, it flowed well, enough action, plenty of humor. It does get confusing, well, for me at least but I did enjoy this for the most part. There’s definitely a bit of Pulp Fiction in this!
The action was handled perfectly. A great shoot-out at the end, but why were they firing at Darla? What did she do? Maybe I missed something. I also hoped you would show Mr Frank and partner in action during the story before the finale, and not in short flashbacks. They just seemed to appear at the end as every other time we saw them, they just talked. I could visualize all your action descriptions perfectly and they played out well. Well done!
Your characters were an interesting bunch, they came across as spoofs from characters in other films but I think that was your intention here. At first I thought you were falling into the trap of having too many characters but in the end, I have to say that you pulled it off. I would have to say that Mickey and Minnie were my favorites only because they were more active in the story than Mr. Frank and Mr. Literate. I also took to Darla quite a bit. I did feel for Cheyenne at the end, so he was well developed enough.
Dialogue, I was 50/50 with to be honest. At times, it was one of the strongest aspects of the script. Very witty, made me laugh out loud countless times. At other times, it felt overdone, like you were trying to hard. Like the longer conversations, some didn’t sound right. Maybe it was the fact that so much of the dialogue sounded great that the awkward parts stood out more. I can’t put my finger on it. However, like I said, when the dialogue was good, it was very frickin’ good. I know you labelled this as an Action/Adventure, but it is funnier than most comedy scripts I’ve read. I was nearly on the floor laughing at Cheyenne’s poor pirate jokes, they were so bad, they were funny, if that makes sense.
I did have a slight problem with the length. 125 pages is a lot, just over 2 hours if filmed for the screen. Some things could be cut and nobody would notice. Some of the longer back and forth conversations could be shortened. Some of the flashbacks could be lost completely. You will probably disagree with me on this but I do think it would make it more of an enjoyable read if you cut back on the flab and concentrate on what is essential to the story. Also, another note, I would cut the Pirates part out of your synopsis. I love a good pirate film and was more than disappointed this never played out. Although the jokes were funny, it was kind of misleading.
On your writing, there are loads of typos but they can be easily found. You also need to keep your character names more consistent. Sometimes you referred to “Mr Fritzle” as simply “Fritzle” and “Jake LaMotta” as simply “Jake”. Also, on page 8, you call the guy “Small Man” then near the end of the scene, call him “The Man”. I was starting to think they were two different characters. Small things, I know, but can be easily fixed for a cleaner read.
Overall, I did enjoy this. A few fixes and it could be even better. Great job! read -
A review of Liberty Shieldby 1987brian on 06/29/2009This was a nice little political conspiracy thriller that never let me down but never really blew me away either. I will get the small stuff out of the way first. There are a number of typos littered throughout, they did start to distract me. Other things, like missing question marks and such also appeared throughout, I’m not talking just a few either. It would help this greatly... This was a nice little political conspiracy thriller that never let me down but never really blew me away either. I will get the small stuff out of the way first. There are a number of typos littered throughout, they did start to distract me. Other things, like missing question marks and such also appeared throughout, I’m not talking just a few either. It would help this greatly if you cleaned this up a bit, it would also help the reader focus more on the story as that needs their full attention, especially in this script.
The one problem that stood out fairly early on and only got worse as the script went on was the amount of characters you were forcing on us. I was lost very easily and had to flip back pages to remember which character was which and what he was doing, especially as some were disappearing for spells. When the big reveal happened and you mentioned Deeter, I was like “who?”, I had to go back and check to see what his deal was. You had Curtis, Soto, Marks, Natalie, Genaro, Franklin, then the Senators lot, Senator Clark, Deeter, Eleanor Wright, and Tom Barron, I think it’s easy to see why I had so much problems keeping up with the story with all these characters. While some scripts can pull off having a cast like this, a lot of these characters were also hard to tell apart, Curtis, Soto and Franklin were good, but to be honest, I can’t even remember what Genaro’s purpose was in the script.
By problems with the characters aside, this is a neat little script. After the reveal with the Senator, you really moved up a gear and the rest of the script flew through. I don’t think I will be the first to draw comparisons with ‘24’, with Curtis being a more gentle version of Jack Bauer, Franklin the boss who doesn’t like his methods and even a Chloe type character in Natalie who is always on standby for satellite feeds. The action was solid throughout, extra points for the helicopter scene in the end, which would look stunning on screen.
I think you could work on the pacing of the script a little. Nothing major, just some tweaks here and there. You start with an intense opening, but it fades after a while and borders on boring while you introduce Eleanor. From the interrogation to the reveal of the Senator and then onwards, it was fast and furious again. This script could benefit greatly if you keep the fast and furious pace throughout and don’t take your foot of the gas for long talkative scenes where they sit about discussing what leads they have. Somebody should be active at all times, much like the show 24.
Although I liked the ending, the President was never in any danger and Wado was never caught. Some of it I did not get, like why did Eleanor not tell anyone what she knew when Deeter was described? Surely a former FBI agent would have done this. The business with the Senator killing his son was a bit much and the fact that he still thought he would become President even though the whole agency knows he was behind everything. Overall, I liked this but cutting a few characters and making things clearer would work wonders. I hope none of this sounds harsh. Keep at it! read -
A review of The C Wordby 1987brian on 06/28/2009Congratulations on this enjoyable screenplay, the best out of the three I’ve read on this site so far. I laughed out loud quite a bit, which is essential for any comedy. You can obviously write comedy well, very well actually, I’m glad to say there were more hits than misses so well done on that. The strongest part of the script were the characters in my opinion. Nate was... Congratulations on this enjoyable screenplay, the best out of the three I’ve read on this site so far. I laughed out loud quite a bit, which is essential for any comedy. You can obviously write comedy well, very well actually, I’m glad to say there were more hits than misses so well done on that.
The strongest part of the script were the characters in my opinion. Nate was my favorite but Chase was likeable in an unusual sort of way. You did a great job with Jessica as I had worries in the early pages that she would take to Chase too easily which would not have been realistic after what he said on TV. But you handled that situation well, Chase really had to work to impress her and it worked well. The supporting characters all done their jobs well.
Dialogue was great throughout. I can honestly say I never had one single complaint about a character saying something that never came across as real. It was crucial you got this right as there are long spells of talking and not much else going on, just back and forth conversations, but none of them felt boring or stretched out. I enjoyed the small references to Jessica Alba and Sarah Jessica Parker and a small sentence about Christian Bale and Terminator 4.
I really had to think about if there were any ways to improve this as when I finished, I thought it pretty darn good as it is. My only small complaint, would be the ending. I feel it was a little too sudden. I wasn’t too sure if the ninja cyborg program worked for me but you do need Chase to accomplish something and write what he knows so I take that back. The real problem is on page 95, Chase gets pulled in the window, Jessica’s still angered, but within one page, they kiss and have a happy ending. They’ve been apart 6 months and she just takes him back like that? It was far too abrupt, I think this scene could be beefed up a bit. Maybe she could just say to him that they will work on it instead of taking him back right away, maybe even add a small scene of them 6 months down the line or something to give more closure to the movie.
You really did a great job here. I could easily see this being filmed and would imagine it would not cost much at all to produce which makes it all the more attractive to potential buyers. Well done! read -
A review of It's A Homerunby 1987brian on 06/25/2009Your synopsis is interesting enough to make me read this but I’m sorry to say it didn’t quite live up to my expectations. I think there is so much more you could have done with this, so much more you can still do if you are planning a rewrite. I’m not familiar with baseball, with me not being from America, but I know the basics. I was glad it is not a sports script but more... Your synopsis is interesting enough to make me read this but I’m sorry to say it didn’t quite live up to my expectations. I think there is so much more you could have done with this, so much more you can still do if you are planning a rewrite. I’m not familiar with baseball, with me not being from America, but I know the basics. I was glad it is not a sports script but more comedy/satire as I cannot get through sports scripts of any kind.
I’ll start with the things you handled well. The theme of abuse of power and corruption worked. The pursuit of the baseball between the President and Cortez kept me interested but more could come of it. Ronald Crump could be cut completely and nobody would notice, it would work better to keep the pursuit of the baseball between those two men. I did laugh a few times out loud but some jokes missed the mark, but hey, that’s comedy for you. I was amused with the scientists arguing on the Patterman show on where the baseball could be. That was one of my favorite scenes, I just wish there were more.
Now for the not-so-good. Characters popped up then disappeared for long spells and were not fully developed. I’ve already said Crump could be cut, the same can be said for some others. In Cortez, you had the opportunity for a real nutcase dictator but he didn’t come off that way. Only in the last few pages did we get to see how mad he really is but for me, it should come across much earlier and continue throughout the script. Instead, the only time we see him is when he’s on the phone to Ramirez. I didn’t really get Ramirez’s character at all. He was the only character I had major problems with, everything about him, right down to his dialogue. I think he needs some work in future rewrites.
The script moves along at a very slow pace with nobody doing much. It all got very repetitive with cutting to scenes on the trading floor, the Crump TV adverts and such. You could have picked up the pace if Ramirez found out the old woman had the baseball and actually tried to break into her house or something. More has to happen, there must be more big events or you risk boring the reader with the same old scenes. There were also numerous missed opportunities for more comedy, like the conversation over the phone between the old woman and the president. Instead of her being all nice and saying “I’ll vote for you again”, it could have been funnier if she supported the opposition and wasn’t as cooperative over the phone. The ending. Well, there is none, not for me anyway. It happened so abruptly, there was no real closure. Maybe the President could take the ball to be verified and find out it’s not real, maybe have something bad happen to the dictator. The boy getting the ball was a nice touch but ending during the president’s speech made this feel very abrupt. This was a major problem.
There are also a number of format problems throughout the script. I noticed far too many camera directions, some are okay, but it looks like you are really trying to direct every scene yourself. Some of them are meaningless, like on page 4, ANGLE ON CIGAR, on the action line below that you mention the cigar on the table so by writing that, you are already showing us the cigar, there’s no need for the ANGLE ON CIGAR part. I wasn’t crazy about putting (voice fades out) in your dialogue lines. I don’t think this would work on screen and just seemed like a cheat to end the scene where you wanted to end it. You used actions in brackets in your dialogue lines very regularly which became a distraction.
I know some are okay with them, but writing WE SEE or WE HEAR also puts me off. I sighed every time I came across them as none of them were needed. Whatever you write on an action line, we will see on screen. There is no need to tell us we see it. Action line were also a bit on the large side on some parts. One on page 60 was 9 lines. They should not be more than 5 lines, 3 or 4 if possible. Try breaking some of them up and it will make this much easier to read. There was also a time on page 5 or 6 when you have the commentators telling us about the Oliva shot in dialogue but no action lines telling the reader what is actually happening on screen.
Character descriptions were a problem. You said things like “He’s the CHICAGO MAFIA GODFATHER” in your descriptions but how is the viewer supposed to know that if watching on screen? You should only write things in the action lines which you see on screen. Tell us about him through his actions and dialogue. You did this with nearly every character, like “CORTEZ is the dictator of Cuba”. It’s all fair and well telling the reader that but people viewing this if it were to be made into a movie would need to figure this out through his actions and dialogue. More work needs to be done here.
Overall, it wasn’t a waste of my time but it can be so much better with a rewrite or two. Your synopsis had me gripped but it didn’t move along at the pace I expected. I hope this doesn’t sound harsh, I’m only trying to help. read
Comments About 1987brian 4
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CJ Knight on 07/05/2009
Hi Brian,
Many thanks for your review of HUDSON FALLS. It was more pleasant to read than other reviews I'll take on board all your comments for the next draft.
Kind regards
CJ -
J. O'Hanley on 07/03/2009
Hi! First of all, thanks for your review, there's some insightful points there that I'll definitely give some thought to. But a friendly piece of advice, from one User to another. As a rule, it's generally not a good idea to mention and denigrate other specific screenplays in another review. You didn't quite do it this time, but just keep that in mind in the future.
Anyway, aside from all that, I'm glad you liked my screenplay! -
Proudo on 06/30/2009
Thanks for the review of O'Briens, I appreciate your insightful and considered comments.
Welcome to TS!
Lee -
coopons on 06/25/2009
Thank you for taking the time to review my script, giving it a lot of thought and effort.. Your criticism was well-conceived, helpful and insightful. I will make the necessary changes and hopefully get closer to the finish line. You are a person with solid integrity. I wish you the best of luck. Rich
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Comments About 1987brian 4
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Hi Brian,
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Quote
Hi! First of all, thanks for your review, there's some insightful points there that I'll definitely give some thought to. But a friendly piece of advice, from one User to another. As a rule, it's generally not a good idea to mention and denigrate other specific screenplays in another review. You didn't quite do it this time, but just keep that in mind in the future.
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Thanks for the review of O'Briens, I appreciate your insightful and considered comments.
+ more commentsCJ Knight on 07/05/2009
Many thanks for your review of HUDSON FALLS. It was more pleasant to read than other reviews I'll take on board all your comments for the next draft.
Kind regards
CJ
J. O'Hanley on 07/03/2009
Anyway, aside from all that, I'm glad you liked my screenplay!
Proudo on 06/30/2009
Welcome to TS!
Lee