a short story
by CJForster
Rumour and romance in a Spanish village
CJForster
member since 07/26/2011 |
last login 05/14/2013
Speechwriter for a high profile individual in the Middle East. Previously worked in fields related to foreign policy and international relations. Masters and Bachelors from US and UK universities. Half British; half Spanish. Amateur when it comes to fiction. Seeking inspiration, guidance,...
Bio
Speechwriter for a high profile individual in the Middle East. Previously worked in fields related to foreign policy and international relations. Masters and Bachelors from US and UK universities. Half British; half Spanish. Amateur when it comes to fiction. Seeking inspiration, guidance, and support. LinkedIn URL available for professional purposes.
Submissions by CJForster
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a screenplay by CJForsterAn amateur bullfighter battles desperately for the reputation of his family and love of his sweetheart.
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Reviews by CJForster 13
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A review of Angel of Christ? My Little Tom Tom Book 3by CJForster on 10/12/2011A strange topic and mix of genre: horror meets children's book, 'Angel of Christ' is a dispiriting tale about a misanthropic woman named Meg. Her search for happiness is confounded by her own nature and displeasure for other people. She's trapped in a paradox, hating her route to salvation: others. But she finds respite in a religious cult, led by a charismatic Father Robert... A strange topic and mix of genre: horror meets children's book, 'Angel of Christ' is a dispiriting tale about a misanthropic woman named Meg. Her search for happiness is confounded by her own nature and displeasure for other people. She's trapped in a paradox, hating her route to salvation: others. But she finds respite in a religious cult, led by a charismatic Father Robert. His title is not simply one earned by ordainment, but by sowing his seed among his followers and siring their young. Unnervingly, no child ever survives as Meg, also pregnant, is told they are born to die as sacrifices. It is here she realizes she has joined a satanic cult. The story follows Meg as she flees, not very far, into the arms of the more established religions. Atop a bell tower, she gives birth to a demon baby and, in horror, hurls it down onto a passing religious procession.
Suffice it to say, this is a very odd story. Yet, I read it until the end. I was caught in a mystery and could not disentangle myself. What would happen to Meg and her baby? This question drives the story and is enough to move the reader to the denouement, which is a surprise and shock to the audience. Yet, with all this going for it, the prose is hard as wood. Crunchy sentences chew like gravel in the mind. A great deal of the plot is told in direct narrative and hardly elicited through dialogue or action. There is almost no need for Meg to say or do anything as the narrator does all the work for her. Which is a shame, because the travails of such a troubled woman are deeply fascinating. Her desperate attempt for salvation is a potential source of great pathos and pity. Yet galactic leaps are made between emotions and movements. One second she's joined the cult, the next she's pregnant. One paragraph she's happy, the next she's not. One moment her new friends are dancing and singing, the next they're chanting and wearing demon masks. The transition of Meg's character can feel erratic and this disjoints the story and, along with it, the reader.
Similarly, the relationships between Meg and other characters, whether Father Robert, her "boss lady", or Wendy are stated as fact. They are not drawn or painted in the mind of the audience, which makes it harder to stick in their heads and therefore, ultimately, more difficult to believe and sympathize with the protagonist. Without investment by the reader into Meg's relationships with other people, there's nothing to lose. Leaving the cult should have been the most difficult thing Meg ever had to do in her life, as it was her only source of happiness. The author attempts to describe this, but it's all done too hurriedly and directly.
One final point is language. Many, many paragraphs begin with the word 'Meg'. It is hard for the reader to always be led by her name and not guided by her character. That said, and the hard-edge nature of the prose already mentioned, there was one paragraph that stood out for its succinct beauty. "The moon in the sky was bright and full providing a mocking brilliance, giving illumination inside the church tower. The moon was watching Meg's every movement as she underwent the agony of child birth". Very powerful! We need more of this approach to language in the rest of the story, which, in one final point, should not be for children! read -
A review of The Car and Candice (Revised)by CJForster on 10/03/2011An afternoon in the life of a limo driver. 'The Car and Candice' is an elegant tale that coasts along smoothly like the '78 Cadillac driven by our protagonist, Max. It's a peek into a mobile existence, that at times can be moving with emotion as well as with imagery. The insight gleaned from the story is that, while everything burns around him, Max still jealously guards his... An afternoon in the life of a limo driver. 'The Car and Candice' is an elegant tale that coasts along smoothly like the '78 Cadillac driven by our protagonist, Max. It's a peek into a mobile existence, that at times can be moving with emotion as well as with imagery.
The insight gleaned from the story is that, while everything burns around him, Max still jealously guards his free time and revels in the small things in life, whether a cigarette or a conversation with a girl.
The central tension arrives with Candice. At first, she's reluctant, weary, coy. But she goes along for the ride, literally and metaphorically. The reader is curious to see how their relationship develops. It's not all innocent, of course. There's actually very little conversation. He makes her bark like a dog as a form of arousal. But the way she warms to him in their final moments together, we realize her bark is worse than her bite. As he drops her off at the club, pretending she's a paying customer, she for a moment becomes someone of worth whose value is not calculated by the hour. They have each lifted the other a little and so, as with the tide, the reader is lifted, too.
Curiously, while Max and Candice develop, an undercurrent of psychological tension emerges. Max insists on calling Candice by another name: Diane. But who is Diane? And why is she Max's obsession? The author is right not to tell us, leaving us to our own imagination and providing Max with a mysterious past that adds depth to his character.
All the meanwhile there is a third tension: one of imagery. As Max goes about his business, the land burns around him. The haze and the plumes do not perturb him. Nor does any threat of fire and flame disturb him from his routine. These juxtaposed images are striking and could be made more of, perhaps, as they are very subtle.
One thing I would mention is the habit of "murdering your darlings", as it is famously said. Invariably a writer coins a phrase that tickles them for one reason or another. We've all experienced it. We love them. But more often than not they are a distraction to the reader and should be cut. One such instance here is on page 2: "He indiscriminately discriminated..." A wonderful collocation, but it stood out so much it throws the reader from the story.
Otherwise, all in all, a very good read. Keep at it! read -
A review of The Lamentby CJForster on 09/26/2011Max – great to get to review another of your works; don’t worry, I have NP on my list and I’ll write up a free one for you soon. Now for the ‘The Lament’! Brutal murder, most foul, is laid out on the pages of ‘The Lament’. Cruel and unusual punishment is dished out to unworthy and undeserving victims. Can the untempered temper of an unbalanced individual send the reader’s... Max – great to get to review another of your works; don’t worry, I have NP on my list and I’ll write up a free one for you soon. Now for the ‘The Lament’!
Brutal murder, most foul, is laid out on the pages of ‘The Lament’. Cruel and unusual punishment is dished out to unworthy and undeserving victims. Can the untempered temper of an unbalanced individual send the reader’s skin crawling? Do unmitigated acts of violence on unsuspecting innocents churn our stomachs?
These are the ambitions of the author: to shock, to horrify. By laying waste to the lives of children, the author explores our moral repugnance and discombobulates our ethical centre. All in all, it is a job well done, but with much scope for fine tuning and rethinking in the second draft.
The concept is original, and the author’s vision of hell unique and powerful. This is the highlight of the story for the reader: an other-worldly manifestation of divine and devilish punishment. White, sterile corridors, without depth or texture. Bodies fixed into the walls while fixated on their sins. It is the purest description of hell this reviewer has ever read. Its simplicity is filled with horror.
In the real world, the protagonist, Nathan Linnogen, is a troubled man. Beaten and traumatised as a child by his peers, he harbours great anger and malice as an adult. Grown up, he is presented with the opportunity for revenge, not on his original attackers, but on three children, three bullies. One by one he abducts and attempts to kill them, in the end only to be caught and imprisoned.
While Nathan’s acts are deplorable, they are unfortunately not always believable. He grows up displaying no outward traits of having a twisted mind (this was a similar issue in ‘Necro Phil’). In fact, despite his disadvantage as an orphan he is a success as an electrician and can “live comfortably”. His sudden desire to kidnap and kill three children seems out of character. It also suggests that from childhood until the age of 26 he never came across any other bullies. The reader is forced to ask “Why this moment? Why now?” Yet the author doesn’t address this; there is no trigger or spark that forces Nathan to act as he does. This is the central weakness of the story.
In terms of structure, it is well thought out. Bouncing between two scenes (hell and earth) is a common device used to entice the reader through mystery. Yet an author must always ask “what is the purpose of this device” and “does it work”? By starting in hell the reader is intrigued as to the crimes of the protagonist. Once this crime is revealed, bouncing back to hell serves no purpose. It can only be used to end the story; finalize the protagonist’s demise. A slightly more effective structure would perhaps be hell-earth-hell, rather than hell-earth-hell-earth-hell. Something to think about.
In terms of writing, it feels as if the author is still searching for their voice. Every writer has their own distinctive style, some more effective and personal than others. Personally, the key to any good writing style is cadence. It is not simply the words used, the images conjured, or the devices deployed. It is about the music and rhythm of the prose. That’s not to say it must all be smooth and mellifluous; composers regularly use dissonance and cacophonous phrases to elicit negative emotions (fear, apprehension, nervousness) in their audiences. There’s no reason a writer cannot use the same techniques.
Aside from style, the author has a great deal of room to edit. Chaff must be cut and the author must be ruthless. Only that which is absolutely germane to the story should be included. Everything else is ballast slowing the reader down. For example, there is no need to explain how Nathan studied to become an electrician; he should simply be one. There is no need to mention he was low on money; it is not an impulse for his actions. In fact, the “growing up” section can be totally removed as it creates an elongated sense of time in the reader’s mind that is unexplored and therefore unnecessary. Ideally, a short story should follow Edgar Allan Poe’s dictum that the narrative should be contained within as short a period as possible: an hour, an afternoon, a day, not more.
There is very little dialogue in ‘The Lament’. Perhaps that is the intention of the author, to display Nathan as a lonely character. But dialogue is where characters come alive. Their true selves come to light best while interacting with others. It also helps writers avoid the trap of telling instead of showing. “Show, Don’t Tell” is fundamental to good writing and the author would benefit from revising their draft and honestly highlighting where they fall afoul of this rule.
Max, I think you have a great deal of imagination and, therefore, potential. I know there are a lot of criticisms in this review, but that’s only because you show such promise. Instead of pontificating, let me point you towards some articles and books that really helped me. First off, buy two books: Aristotle’s ‘Poetics’ and Lajos Egri’s ‘The Art of Dramatic Writing’. They are short and extremely insightful; best of all, they don’t quite agree, which gives a writer space to be flexible and experiment. While you wait for Amazon to deliver them, search and download a PDF copy of Raymond Carver’s article, ‘Principles of a Story’. These two short pages beautifully describe the point and purpose of short story writing. Once you have all three, read them. Then read them again. Make notes. Dog ear pages. Underline passages. Always have them to hand.
Longest review I’ve yet written! Hope you don’t mind and take heart that it’s a positive sign! Good luck with the next draft. If you want to bounce ideas off me, I’m happy to act as a sound board. read
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Submissions by CJForster
-
a short story by CJForster
Rumour and romance in a Spanish village
-
a screenplay by CJForster
An amateur bullfighter battles desperately for the reputation of his family and love of his sweetheart.
-
-
Reviews by CJForster 13
-
A review of Angel of Christ? My Little Tom Tom Book 3by CJForster on 10/12/2011A strange topic and mix of genre: horror meets children's book, 'Angel of Christ' is a dispiriting tale about a misanthropic woman named Meg. Her search for happiness is confounded by her own nature and displeasure for other people. She's trapped in a paradox, hating her route to salvation: others. But she finds respite in a religious cult, led by a charismatic Father Robert... A strange topic and mix of genre: horror meets children's book, 'Angel of Christ' is a dispiriting tale about a misanthropic woman named Meg. Her search for happiness is confounded by her own nature and displeasure for other people. She's trapped in a paradox, hating her route to salvation: others. But she finds respite in a religious cult, led by a charismatic Father Robert. His title is not simply one earned by ordainment, but by sowing his seed among his followers and siring their young. Unnervingly, no child ever survives as Meg, also pregnant, is told they are born to die as sacrifices. It is here she realizes she has joined a satanic cult. The story follows Meg as she flees, not very far, into the arms of the more established religions. Atop a bell tower, she gives birth to a demon baby and, in horror, hurls it down onto a passing religious procession.
Suffice it to say, this is a very odd story. Yet, I read it until the end. I was caught in a mystery and could not disentangle myself. What would happen to Meg and her baby? This question drives the story and is enough to move the reader to the denouement, which is a surprise and shock to the audience. Yet, with all this going for it, the prose is hard as wood. Crunchy sentences chew like gravel in the mind. A great deal of the plot is told in direct narrative and hardly elicited through dialogue or action. There is almost no need for Meg to say or do anything as the narrator does all the work for her. Which is a shame, because the travails of such a troubled woman are deeply fascinating. Her desperate attempt for salvation is a potential source of great pathos and pity. Yet galactic leaps are made between emotions and movements. One second she's joined the cult, the next she's pregnant. One paragraph she's happy, the next she's not. One moment her new friends are dancing and singing, the next they're chanting and wearing demon masks. The transition of Meg's character can feel erratic and this disjoints the story and, along with it, the reader.
Similarly, the relationships between Meg and other characters, whether Father Robert, her "boss lady", or Wendy are stated as fact. They are not drawn or painted in the mind of the audience, which makes it harder to stick in their heads and therefore, ultimately, more difficult to believe and sympathize with the protagonist. Without investment by the reader into Meg's relationships with other people, there's nothing to lose. Leaving the cult should have been the most difficult thing Meg ever had to do in her life, as it was her only source of happiness. The author attempts to describe this, but it's all done too hurriedly and directly.
One final point is language. Many, many paragraphs begin with the word 'Meg'. It is hard for the reader to always be led by her name and not guided by her character. That said, and the hard-edge nature of the prose already mentioned, there was one paragraph that stood out for its succinct beauty. "The moon in the sky was bright and full providing a mocking brilliance, giving illumination inside the church tower. The moon was watching Meg's every movement as she underwent the agony of child birth". Very powerful! We need more of this approach to language in the rest of the story, which, in one final point, should not be for children! read -
A review of The Car and Candice (Revised)by CJForster on 10/03/2011An afternoon in the life of a limo driver. 'The Car and Candice' is an elegant tale that coasts along smoothly like the '78 Cadillac driven by our protagonist, Max. It's a peek into a mobile existence, that at times can be moving with emotion as well as with imagery. The insight gleaned from the story is that, while everything burns around him, Max still jealously guards his... An afternoon in the life of a limo driver. 'The Car and Candice' is an elegant tale that coasts along smoothly like the '78 Cadillac driven by our protagonist, Max. It's a peek into a mobile existence, that at times can be moving with emotion as well as with imagery.
The insight gleaned from the story is that, while everything burns around him, Max still jealously guards his free time and revels in the small things in life, whether a cigarette or a conversation with a girl.
The central tension arrives with Candice. At first, she's reluctant, weary, coy. But she goes along for the ride, literally and metaphorically. The reader is curious to see how their relationship develops. It's not all innocent, of course. There's actually very little conversation. He makes her bark like a dog as a form of arousal. But the way she warms to him in their final moments together, we realize her bark is worse than her bite. As he drops her off at the club, pretending she's a paying customer, she for a moment becomes someone of worth whose value is not calculated by the hour. They have each lifted the other a little and so, as with the tide, the reader is lifted, too.
Curiously, while Max and Candice develop, an undercurrent of psychological tension emerges. Max insists on calling Candice by another name: Diane. But who is Diane? And why is she Max's obsession? The author is right not to tell us, leaving us to our own imagination and providing Max with a mysterious past that adds depth to his character.
All the meanwhile there is a third tension: one of imagery. As Max goes about his business, the land burns around him. The haze and the plumes do not perturb him. Nor does any threat of fire and flame disturb him from his routine. These juxtaposed images are striking and could be made more of, perhaps, as they are very subtle.
One thing I would mention is the habit of "murdering your darlings", as it is famously said. Invariably a writer coins a phrase that tickles them for one reason or another. We've all experienced it. We love them. But more often than not they are a distraction to the reader and should be cut. One such instance here is on page 2: "He indiscriminately discriminated..." A wonderful collocation, but it stood out so much it throws the reader from the story.
Otherwise, all in all, a very good read. Keep at it! read -
A review of The Lamentby CJForster on 09/26/2011Max – great to get to review another of your works; don’t worry, I have NP on my list and I’ll write up a free one for you soon. Now for the ‘The Lament’! Brutal murder, most foul, is laid out on the pages of ‘The Lament’. Cruel and unusual punishment is dished out to unworthy and undeserving victims. Can the untempered temper of an unbalanced individual send the reader’s... Max – great to get to review another of your works; don’t worry, I have NP on my list and I’ll write up a free one for you soon. Now for the ‘The Lament’!
Brutal murder, most foul, is laid out on the pages of ‘The Lament’. Cruel and unusual punishment is dished out to unworthy and undeserving victims. Can the untempered temper of an unbalanced individual send the reader’s skin crawling? Do unmitigated acts of violence on unsuspecting innocents churn our stomachs?
These are the ambitions of the author: to shock, to horrify. By laying waste to the lives of children, the author explores our moral repugnance and discombobulates our ethical centre. All in all, it is a job well done, but with much scope for fine tuning and rethinking in the second draft.
The concept is original, and the author’s vision of hell unique and powerful. This is the highlight of the story for the reader: an other-worldly manifestation of divine and devilish punishment. White, sterile corridors, without depth or texture. Bodies fixed into the walls while fixated on their sins. It is the purest description of hell this reviewer has ever read. Its simplicity is filled with horror.
In the real world, the protagonist, Nathan Linnogen, is a troubled man. Beaten and traumatised as a child by his peers, he harbours great anger and malice as an adult. Grown up, he is presented with the opportunity for revenge, not on his original attackers, but on three children, three bullies. One by one he abducts and attempts to kill them, in the end only to be caught and imprisoned.
While Nathan’s acts are deplorable, they are unfortunately not always believable. He grows up displaying no outward traits of having a twisted mind (this was a similar issue in ‘Necro Phil’). In fact, despite his disadvantage as an orphan he is a success as an electrician and can “live comfortably”. His sudden desire to kidnap and kill three children seems out of character. It also suggests that from childhood until the age of 26 he never came across any other bullies. The reader is forced to ask “Why this moment? Why now?” Yet the author doesn’t address this; there is no trigger or spark that forces Nathan to act as he does. This is the central weakness of the story.
In terms of structure, it is well thought out. Bouncing between two scenes (hell and earth) is a common device used to entice the reader through mystery. Yet an author must always ask “what is the purpose of this device” and “does it work”? By starting in hell the reader is intrigued as to the crimes of the protagonist. Once this crime is revealed, bouncing back to hell serves no purpose. It can only be used to end the story; finalize the protagonist’s demise. A slightly more effective structure would perhaps be hell-earth-hell, rather than hell-earth-hell-earth-hell. Something to think about.
In terms of writing, it feels as if the author is still searching for their voice. Every writer has their own distinctive style, some more effective and personal than others. Personally, the key to any good writing style is cadence. It is not simply the words used, the images conjured, or the devices deployed. It is about the music and rhythm of the prose. That’s not to say it must all be smooth and mellifluous; composers regularly use dissonance and cacophonous phrases to elicit negative emotions (fear, apprehension, nervousness) in their audiences. There’s no reason a writer cannot use the same techniques.
Aside from style, the author has a great deal of room to edit. Chaff must be cut and the author must be ruthless. Only that which is absolutely germane to the story should be included. Everything else is ballast slowing the reader down. For example, there is no need to explain how Nathan studied to become an electrician; he should simply be one. There is no need to mention he was low on money; it is not an impulse for his actions. In fact, the “growing up” section can be totally removed as it creates an elongated sense of time in the reader’s mind that is unexplored and therefore unnecessary. Ideally, a short story should follow Edgar Allan Poe’s dictum that the narrative should be contained within as short a period as possible: an hour, an afternoon, a day, not more.
There is very little dialogue in ‘The Lament’. Perhaps that is the intention of the author, to display Nathan as a lonely character. But dialogue is where characters come alive. Their true selves come to light best while interacting with others. It also helps writers avoid the trap of telling instead of showing. “Show, Don’t Tell” is fundamental to good writing and the author would benefit from revising their draft and honestly highlighting where they fall afoul of this rule.
Max, I think you have a great deal of imagination and, therefore, potential. I know there are a lot of criticisms in this review, but that’s only because you show such promise. Instead of pontificating, let me point you towards some articles and books that really helped me. First off, buy two books: Aristotle’s ‘Poetics’ and Lajos Egri’s ‘The Art of Dramatic Writing’. They are short and extremely insightful; best of all, they don’t quite agree, which gives a writer space to be flexible and experiment. While you wait for Amazon to deliver them, search and download a PDF copy of Raymond Carver’s article, ‘Principles of a Story’. These two short pages beautifully describe the point and purpose of short story writing. Once you have all three, read them. Then read them again. Make notes. Dog ear pages. Underline passages. Always have them to hand.
Longest review I’ve yet written! Hope you don’t mind and take heart that it’s a positive sign! Good luck with the next draft. If you want to bounce ideas off me, I’m happy to act as a sound board. read -
A review of Dr. Towers' Babel (rev)by CJForster on 09/13/2011Long I have waited to review a piece by Mr Keller, since I have now received the same pleasure not once but twice. They say revenge is a dish best served cold; I prefer it plattered as prose… Just kidding, Nick! Thought I’d get you worried there before I started… Can’t a reviewer have a little fun now and then? Ok, onwards: A penetrating study into the cosmic, ‘Dr Tower’s... Long I have waited to review a piece by Mr Keller, since I have now received the same pleasure not once but twice. They say revenge is a dish best served cold; I prefer it plattered as prose…
Just kidding, Nick! Thought I’d get you worried there before I started… Can’t a reviewer have a little fun now and then?
Ok, onwards:
A penetrating study into the cosmic, ‘Dr Tower’s Babel’ tears apart the fabric of the Universe at the same time as it strips down the superficialities and preoccupations of Social Man. Space exploration is given whole new meaning; space-time is flipped over sunny-side down. Indeed, as Dr Tower’s spends a lifetime trying to build his great Unraveler, Mr Keller manages to unravel in 41 pages a new meaning of life: outside Time and outside the Self.
Conceptually, this is a highly original story that provides a great deal of pleasure to the reader. The final pages, as our protagonist’s world is thrown into rewind, feel almost transcendental. As this new vision of the universe is revealed and the beginning of existence given a new face, the startling realization that, all this time, God was an astrophysicist, becomes common sense; what else would He be?
The story is lengthy in its build up to this original denouement, the plot stretched out over decades, breaking Poe’s rule that short stories should also take place within a short time frame. Seeing as the author is breaking all the laws of physics, however, the reviewer will let it slide.
If Mr Keller is committed to the story’s length, then some of the prose could do with tightening in just a few places. If cutting is not anathema to the writer, then significant chunks could be sacrificed to the Red Pen without losing value; a good story only has what is absolutely necessary.
The current structure, I think, is perhaps the root cause for the length. Aside from the introduction, which is sliced from the centre of the story, the chronological build up from the protagonist’s early days means it is a long road to the final act. A friendly suggestion would be to start the story later in the plot and fill in background through the narrative. This would keep the time frame on a shorter leash, while still allowing for expansive explorations into the past.
In terms of character, the eccentric Dr Towers plays his role perfectly, convincing the reader of the aphorism that the line between genius and insanity is a thin one. However, the protagonist, while clearly delineated as a towering intellect in his own right, (winning the Nobel Prize so young even!) there are significant lapses in judgement on his part, particularly for someone so intelligent. The important career decision based on a single obscure book; the rather too late realization that Towers is an isolated scientific figure; these are a few of his out-of-character faults inconsistent with someone so well read and studious.
Otherwise, a thoroughly enjoyable read that sends the mind reeling off into the outer limits of the imagination. I recommend! read -
A review of In Sightby CJForster on 08/25/2011If you could see the truth, and nothing but the truth, would you be happier? If you had no choice but to witness the cruel compunctions of man, the hypocritical vicissitudes of our public and personal lives, the sins of every single person.... would you be wiser sooner for it or simply wizened before your time? And what if sin was your enemy, religion your sustenance, devotion... If you could see the truth, and nothing but the truth, would you be happier? If you had no choice but to witness the cruel compunctions of man, the hypocritical vicissitudes of our public and personal lives, the sins of every single person.... would you be wiser sooner for it or simply wizened before your time? And what if sin was your enemy, religion your sustenance, devotion to a deity your all-consuming purpose? Surely then your mission would be compounded, or would your world-view simply be confounded?
In 'Insight' we explore what it means to be blessed with this ability, to see mankind for what it really is: corruptible. The protagonist, Corey, a committed born-again Christian, lives each moment according to the Bible, eager to please God by doing His work for Him on earth. When he, out of admiration for his local preacher, the Reverend Benson, prays for the divine ability to see the truth in life, to see into the spiritual world, to have his eyes finally opened, we enter into the age old story of being careful for what you wish for.
Given the gift of heavenly sight, Corey is shocked to learn the world is far more sinful than he once thought. Sin after sin piles up in his field of vision. In a desperate attempt to learn what is happening to him and seek guidance, he runs to Reverend Benson only to have his holy hero's impeccable imago collapse before him: the Reverend is stealing from the congregation and having an affair with his secretary.
While this was predictable from the moment we learn of Corey's new abilities, what was not was Corey's ultimate reaction. Pushed into having to solve his problem for himself, he once again turns to his one source of salvation: Scripture. With the selective reading that characterizes most exegesis, Corey is driven to the inexorable conclusion that he, the man who wanted to see, must blind himself.
As the final words ricochet around the reader's mind, you realize this is a well told story that exposes the righteousness of some in the religious community and the hypocrisy of others. I would recommend you give this a look.
Regarding structure, the plot is well laid out. The first section acts as a teasing prologue, while the second is the true beginning of Act I, setting up the prejudices and pieties of the protagonist before he makes his religious request for "sight". Act II sees Corey struggle with his new-found power and the revelations that come with it. Act III is a tidy resolution, well executed and unpredictable.
The author lays out well the protagonist's development, though sometimes the language is a bit lackluster and over-expository in places. As soon as he decides to seek out the Reverend, the reader knows how Act II will culminate, which leaves most of that story without suspense. Act III still ends with a bang, though, so the reader is not left wholly dissatisfied.
What the story lacks is a real human connection between Corey and another person. He seems an isolated character and so the reader is not invested in him as much as they could. The relationship between Corey and Reverend Benson seems the most important to the plot and to the protagonist, so it seems this is probably the most salient area to improve. The more we feel Corey's dependence on Benson, the more the reader will be devastated when he is exposed for what he is: a liar and a thief. This might also help to make the climax of Act II less predictable.
All in all, a very nice story in which an ironic lesson is well woven. Kudos. read -
A review of Next-of-Kinby CJForster on 08/10/2011The famous mythological Greek character Cassandra carried a heavy burden: she knew the future, but no one believed her prophecies. In 'Next of Kin', Detective Parkins is Cassandra's modern day cousin. His duty is distinct, but equally burdensome: to inform the next of kin of their loved one's untimely demise. One tells of the future and cannot change it. The other speaks of... The famous mythological Greek character Cassandra carried a heavy burden: she knew the future, but no one believed her prophecies. In 'Next of Kin', Detective Parkins is Cassandra's modern day cousin. His duty is distinct, but equally burdensome: to inform the next of kin of their loved one's untimely demise. One tells of the future and cannot change it. The other speaks of the past and is equally impotent. The irony for both characters is that, despite their powers (prophecy for Cassandra, authority for Parkins), they are both powerless. It seems that foretelling death is not that different from just telling it.
Over five crisp, elegant pages, the author covers the footsteps that lead up to the shattering of a family. A glimpse into the responsibilities of Parkins, the innocence of the Wallaces, and their inevitable collision leaves the reader immobilized, unable to leave them until the news is broken and, along with it, the tranquility of a humble home.
There is very little else to comment on. The use of language is sparing, in the voice of a southerner, blunt, direct yet sympathetic. The structure is simple, as is the case with all vignettes; enough to pry open the reader's interest and leave them hanging with a sense they just learnt something. In terms of dialogue, there isn't much, which is fitting. What's there is concise.
What I like most about 'Next of Kin', however, are the questions thrown up by tiny details, hidden like gems within well-placed paragraphs: Parkins' transition from Korea to next-of-kin duty; the welcome greeting outside the Wallace residence; the one-sentence crime scene in the opening page. In fact, the best line in the story is along the very same theme. When Grace enters and is introduced to the detective, the author writes, ""Detective?" Grace said, turning that one word into a world of questions." This sentence sums up the entire story, which on every page litters the reader's imagination with questions, questions, questions.
An excellent story; I thoroughly enjoyed it and recommend it highly.
A few tiny points in case you're interested:
1) The first line is a little hard to digest. At first I thought it was because five proper nouns inhabit it, but later I realized it's because it's just very hard to say, even in one's head; a lot of tongue-twistingly hard consonants. The rest of the tale is so smoothly told, it seems strange to start off on such a rugged note.
2) At the top of page 3 you use "cool" and "cooling" in the same line, which seemed slightly tautologous.
3) On page 3 you mention the family photo and the children ranging in age from toddler to college student. However, on page 4 you introduce Grace, a teenager wearing a Valley High School t-shirt, as Mrs. Wallace's eldest. What happened to the college kid? (This is me probably just being very, very anal.) read -
A review of Pregnant Cloudsby CJForster on 08/08/2011Murder horror meets alien thriller, Pregnant Clouds is not so much a story bursting at the seams with high level prose, but it is heavy with grotesque detail and hyper with lightning speed pace. The exploration here by the author is to see how two seemingly distinct genres can mix together. Are they like oil and water? Or can the author paint us a vivid picture that refuses... Murder horror meets alien thriller, Pregnant Clouds is not so much a story bursting at the seams with high level prose, but it is heavy with grotesque detail and hyper with lightning speed pace. The exploration here by the author is to see how two seemingly distinct genres can mix together. Are they like oil and water? Or can the author paint us a vivid picture that refuses to let us use our eyeballs for anything other than finishing the story?
I admit, the results are mixed. The beginning, the set up of the protagonist, reveals a methodical, intelligent killer, set in her ways and tastes, lusting homicidally after young men. In the first act, before the three young boys enter or the aliens fall from the heavens, the descriptions are gruesome and the flow of the story slow, to match the torture. In the second act, the boys and aliens descend upon a murder scene and the velocity of events jumps several gears as the humans battle the extraterrestrial intruders. From here into the third act, when they decide to save themselves and get Kyle to a hospital, it's an inter-species no holds barred royal rumble. Fight after fight gets us to the final climax where the army save the day and the murderer slips away.
This structure, while allowing a broad space for a great deal to happen, doesn't allow for the development of the characters, beyond what we know of Harriet from the beginning. They all morph into courageous, alien-bashing warriors (except for the paralysed Kyle) and never falter. Harriet's killer instincts kick into gear, which would be interesting to explore when the aliens invade, but so do the boys, which renders Harriet no longer unique or able to wield her skills alone to the benefit of the group.
Here's the greatest loss to the story: what would a murderer, a necessarily disturbed person with sociopathic tendencies, do in this situation? We never know because Harriet is set up as a "nice" homicidal maniac, who doesn't want to hurt her victims too much, wouldn't hurt children, etc. She's never torn between leaving the boys or saving them; she's never satisfied or disgusted at the killing of aliens compared to young men. The only moment she has that is truly telling was when she was scared; before the aliens presented. The other key moment for Harriet is when she has to sever Kyle's arm, utilizing her experience in torture to actually save a life - a key irony that isn't explored.
Another moment of lost tension is the fact that the boys never suspect she's a murderer, so there's no moment when they're torn between depending on her to save their lives from aliens and fearing that she'll kill them anyway. You come close, but then let it slip away too easily.
By the time they get to the hospital, the reader is filled with unanswered questions: how did the aliens land over the barn only? Why do they explode so easily? How come the four of them so readily accepted that this was an alien invasion?
In the end, though, you stop asking questions because the story plays like a B-movie sci-fi thriller. Just like a B-movie, images of gory death flicker by in quick succession in the readers' mind until the end. Plot twists are outlandish, the characters actions unbelievable, but you don't care. These movies, just like these stories, can be fun and fast paced, stunning the audience with the rate of action. If that's what you want, then this is a good read. If you're looking to really dig into the conflicting nature of the two genres, then a little reworking of structure, slowing down of some pace, and increasing the believability of the characters would go a long way to attaining your goal.
Otherwise, it's a thrill a minute! Good job and good luck with your next project! read -
A review of THE WRITER AND THE PRIEST.by CJForster on 08/07/2011Two characters meet; their circumstances collide; their emotions coincide. A classic construction retold in unorthodox fashion. The author, in Writer & Priest, explores what happens when an educated, introvert librarian is confronted by her uncouth, aggressive attacker. Ordinary circumstances are turned head over heels, however; the librarian rendered fearless by a greater... Two characters meet; their circumstances collide; their emotions coincide. A classic construction retold in unorthodox fashion. The author, in Writer & Priest, explores what happens when an educated, introvert librarian is confronted by her uncouth, aggressive attacker. Ordinary circumstances are turned head over heels, however; the librarian rendered fearless by a greater fear: her diagnosis with cancer. Bereft of the shackles of mortality, the interaction between the two characters illuminates a world where two people of substantially different backgrounds can actually get along and save each other, if only for a short while. In the end, the assailant turns saviour, changing the mind of the desperate, suicidal librarian. It's a crazy way to be saved, yet the author pulls off this original story well.
While the concept of the story is engaging for the reader, and the style of writing light and easy, the characters could do with more alignment. By this I mean that, to fully maximize the tension, their intentions should be totally opposite and their motivations on a collision course. It would be interesting to see the writer, who has been diagnosed with cancer and now mugged, travel through a range of emotions: incredulity, indignation, frustration, anger, etc and the mugger walk the same path but in reverse. This way they can build the climax of the story together until the mugger is forced into a decision: leave the girl, hurt the girl, or help the girl? The last is best, as demonstrated in the story, but more groundwork can be laid to make this moment... momentous. The connection made between the two over a short story is a great device, though may need strengthening to draw the reader in emotionally.
Otherwise, it's an enjoyable little read; a short story about how a life is saved by a short story.
Look forward to reading more of your work. read -
A review of The Things We Pull From the Wreckageby CJForster on 08/06/2011While many stories deal with new beginnings, this one is exclusively about the opposite: endings. The author, in dealing with death and divorce, is bringing to the readers' attention the shared nature of these two events; events which so permeate our lives. Only a lucky few have never had to experience the trauma of seeing life slip away from a body and love from a marriage... While many stories deal with new beginnings, this one is exclusively about the opposite: endings. The author, in dealing with death and divorce, is bringing to the readers' attention the shared nature of these two events; events which so permeate our lives. Only a lucky few have never had to experience the trauma of seeing life slip away from a body and love from a marriage. As such, the story tackles a subject the majority of people can empathize with directly.
"Wreckage" has many positive points to it. The description of the hurt dog scrambling for safety on the interstate can be extremely moving at times, as is the scene when Tucker resolves to take euthanasia into his own hands. However, in a few areas, descriptive elements tend to repeat themselves. The gamut of imagery seems quite narrow at times and repetition jars against the readers' ear, without adding to the tragedy unfolding. The most salient example is the use of the word "Audi" to describe the car. It appears no less than 6 times across 9.5 pages, sometimes in quick succession. Product placement is beneficial if you're getting paid; otherwise, it only loses your audience. I'd recommend varying your vocabulary. This is true across the text, where too many words and images are recycled in such a short space of time. I'll list a few I caught at the end of this review.
At the heart of the tale is the tense relationship between Tucker and Carly, and how they have to come together one last time to deal with a dying animal. This situation is bursting with potential for conflict, which is the engine of any good story. In fact, there are three potential moments of tension, each larger than the last, that could have really brought to life your two protagonists - since it is the relationship between these two that is the central dynamic. Unfortunately, they are not maximized. The pair are minimally engaged and moments of conflict pass by in the night, much like the cars on the highway.
In a general rethink of the structure of tension, I would focus on the following "three act" approach:
1) The conflict between T&C when they hit the dog - their relationship is (or should be) at boiling point; they haven't spoken in two hours, probably because of an argument, and they're off to see the lawyers the next day; if they're mad at each other, this is the perfect spark to reignite their animosity; the interesting angle comes from the fact that two people who cannot stand each other now have to cooperate, the last thing they want to do, to save the dog.
2) The conflict between T&C when they have to make a decision - the pair both assume they are going to take the dog to the vet, yet they quite easily could have come to different conclusions; indeed, Tucker (who ends up killing the dog) doesn't seem like the type to automatically do so; he might want to put it out of its misery right there and then; ripe for conflict.
3) The conflict between T&C when they have to decide to pay for surgery or not - Carly was right, the dog can be saved, but it costs too much and Tucker feels it's not their responsibility; this final scene should prove their prejudices and hatreds for one another: Tucker is unfeeling and miserly; Carly is overly emotional and impulsive (or whatever traits you want them to have). The conflict should reach a crescendo here; a crisis point.
The Climax: Tucker killing the dog is probably the most important part of the story; it is the unthinkable resolution of the conflict. What motivation Tucker has to carry out this gruesome task must be made crystal clear. Is he doing it to spite Carly, because she won the argument over paying for the surgery (which can't come from her bank account if it is to make sense). Or is it to save the dog from pain, so Tucker can prove to himself that Carly is wrong, he is not unfeeling? Or is it - and this could be the most powerful - an attempt to save what remains of a frayed relationship? Already at loggerheads, Tucker may not want to add yet more to Carly's list of reasons to leave him. In fact, if there was a chance to save the relationship, the moment could force Tucker into a difficult decision (the Big Decision every protagonist should face to resolve the story): to save the relationship, he has to kill the dog. Lots of beautiful irony could be woven in to this moment, really giving the story a great ending.
The trick will be to ensure that the appropriate groundwork has been laid so that readers can see Tucker's conflicting emotions and how difficult the decision is when he reaches his big moment. It also means bringing Carly to life more, as she is still a sketch at this moment in the drafting process; Tucker needs his counterpart to balance him and to show the reader what his wife is like.
I know I've put a lot of critiques in this review, but that's only because I think it has a great deal of potential. With the right focus in the next draft, you could have an excellent tale to tell.
Good job and good luck honing your craft!
Minutiae:
P.1 - Change in tense in first paragraph is awkward; repetition of words, such as pops, dance, form; the phrase about hurrying his eyes to adjust to the dark I thought was excellent.
P.2 - Repetition of pass/passed
P.4 - Repetition of float/floating (a car floats by earlier in the story, too)
P.6 - quotation mark issues: "Tucker looks at Carly... (no need for q.mark there); "...roam like that." (need one here)
P.8 - ghost imagery a repetition from earlier
P.9 - quotation mark: "Yeah, she's gone." (need one here); also, when different people speak, each person needs a new paragraph to avoid confusion. read -
A review of Necro Philby CJForster on 07/28/2011“Necro Phil” is a murderous story, the pages plastered with horrifying detail and gruesome imagery that attests to the imagination of the author. The tale depicts what might be the final hours of Phil, a man supposedly disturbed since childhood, who experiences a psychological break and commits two heinous crimes in the name of love and revenge. The author deserves praise... “Necro Phil” is a murderous story, the pages plastered with horrifying detail and gruesome imagery that attests to the imagination of the author. The tale depicts what might be the final hours of Phil, a man supposedly disturbed since childhood, who experiences a psychological break and commits two heinous crimes in the name of love and revenge.
The author deserves praise for the construction of the story. Prologue aside, the dark, rain-filled night is the setting for the story’s development, matching the twisted, macabre theme. Through flashbacks we learn about Phil and that he is in hiding. Tension builds as we discover that men are out to kill him. In a terrifying twist, the author surprises the reader and reveals that the men have good reason: Phil has murdered the mother of one and raped the dead wife of the other.
Phil’s sickening actions pull the reader in, our morbid curiosity wondering what will happen next. In the end, the tension resolves in a direct confrontation, with harrowing consequences that should disturb even the most seasoned of horror readers.
The idea and structure of this story are well thought out. However, the characterisation of the principals needs further work, particularly when it comes to the relationships between them.
Let me tackle them each in their turn.
Phil: In the story he goes from working class husband to sick murderer in just a few paragraphs. His motivations and background, however, aren’t strong enough to convince the reader. The childhood trauma he suffers is perhaps enough to twist his mind, but there is no evidence of this in Phil as an adult. He seems perfectly balanced and rational, with no suggestions of a deadly short temper or warped imagination. He doesn’t even seem intrigued by death. Building him up as the sort of character that would commit unspeakable acts at the slightest provocation would add a great deal of tension to the story and make it even more gripping. In terms of motivation, a car accident is hardly reason enough to justify his reaction, unless it’s been established that he is disturbed.
Nigel and Jack: Their culpability for the death of Carol is not strong enough. Jack was drunk and drove, while Nigel recommended Jack as the driver. This is not enough if we are to believe Phil’s reaction and desire for revenge. These two need to be made more directly culpable or Phil more irrational. Furthermore, these characters need more development to explain why they don’t go to the police; they need set up as the types who would resort to vigilante justice. Saying “considering his contacts” is not enough and comes too late anyway. Nigel, also, needs to be shown to be capable of murdering the baby. Perhaps he could be portrayed as slightly unhinged and violently protective of his dead wife’s memory. Otherwise, Nigel no longer becomes believable.
Phil’s relationship to his wife and baby: To really feel his pain at the loss of Carol we need more on the importance of their love. We only get four and a half lines before she is killed and Phil snaps. Phil’s love for Carol and his dependency on her love for him needs to be woven in more to explain his psychotic break. Same for the baby, as his last connection to Carol, so the reader can empathize with the protagonist.
Phil’s relationship with Jack: There’s considerable room here to build tension. They are childhood friends reunited, yet there’s no build up of stress or angst between them. This could be achieved either by showing the relationship is flawed; there’s something off about it. Or, that the friendship is really important, making Jack’s accidental killing of Carol a betrayal. With this built in there’s then room to explore their relationship when Jack finally hunts Phil down. Jack is the better friend than Nigel, yet they barely speak to each other; Nigel is in the lead. Jack and Phil should have some direct dialogue that ekes out more tension.
Phil’s relationship with Nigel: This is a peripheral relationship compared to the others, yet Nigel’s wife receives the most disgusting of punishments. Nigel also ends up playing a lead role in the final scenes; Jack disappears in importance.
“Necro Phil”: if you wanted Phil to really earn this moniker and even out the punishments between Jack and Nigel, you could have Phil kill Jack’s mother, then violate her. This strikes against the readers’ moral centre. To then watch him do it again but to a corpse that has already begun to decompose gives the reader a double blow and really earns Phil his name.
Necrophilia, to be a really shocking device in this story, needs to come to define Phil; consume him. It can’t just be a thing he did once. It has to have deep roots in his psyche (maybe he was aroused by the dead girl in his childhood). The story has to show his descent into sexual madness that is violently triggered by the death of the only person who kept him sane: Carol. I never thought I’d be saying this, but you could, to really push it, have Phil perform sex on Nigel’s eye sockets, completing the (d)evolution of this man by the final lines.
One last point: it’s not clear how or why Nigel and Jack know that Phil did these terrible things. What’s the link? Can they just assume that because his wife was killed in an accident that he would do this? This is a plot point that can be resolved by sowing hints of it earlier in the story; things that would give Jack and Nigel reason to suspect Phil.
All in all, a revolting story that should sicken most readers, as much as reviewers, to the author’s delight. Tuning up some of the characters and really pushing Phil’s psychosis to the limit would make this a truly terrifying tale.
Good luck polishing this off! read
Comments About CJForster 13
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MaxWatt on 06/29/2012
Hey CJ! It has been a while, what have you been up to? Any success in the literary world yet? I'm pretty good thanks, not been too productive lately but I've had some distractions, should be getting back up to speed soon. Thanks, it's been up a good few months now. -
littletomtom on 10/12/2011
Oh my God Mr. Forster, thank you so much for reading ANGEL OF CHRIST? That was a very long narrative. The truth is it's not a short story. It's actually a 300 page novel just released by Amazon. Will it be okay if I send you the full novel in PDF file so you can read and provide an honest review? Only if it's okay with you.
Thanks so much once again.
Jojo -
MaxWatt on 09/28/2011
Holy fuck. The appreciation is off the scale this time, I feel indebted. I'll certainly look into your recommendations. Again thanks, soon as I get the chance I'll review one of your own submissions. -
love32 on 09/07/2011
Comment deleted by CJForster -
MaxWatt on 08/26/2011
Hey CJ, I got a revised draft of Phil up and I need your wise words again! It's a long way from being any good but it's a step closer. Only if it's still in your interests, of course. -
love45 on 08/12/2011
Comment deleted by CJForster -
Mike Wolfson on 08/10/2011
Hi Chris - Thanks for adding me to your favorites. I've got The Curse assigned to me, so a review will be heading your way sometime over the next few days. Take care - Mike. -
Paul Iacono on 08/07/2011
Hey, thanks for your insightful comments on "Wreckage". I haven't been active on Triggerstreet for some time, so it's always a surprise when one of these reviews comes in out of the blue. I don't expect any rewrites of the story are forthcoming, but if I ever rework it I'll certainly take your suggestions into consideration.
All the best.
Paul -
YeahHi on 08/01/2011
Thanks for your kind and thoughtful review of Curtains! I appreciate the read!
Best,
Shauna -
Anonymmous on 08/01/2011
Thanks a lot for the thoughtful and helpful review
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Comments About CJForster 13
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Quote
Hey CJ! It has been a while, what have you been up to? Any success in the literary world yet? I'm pretty good thanks, not been too productive lately but I've had some distractions, should be getting back up to speed soon. Thanks, it's been up a good few months now.
-
Quote
Oh my God Mr. Forster, thank you so much for reading ANGEL OF CHRIST? That was a very long narrative. The truth is it's not a short story. It's actually a 300 page novel just released by Amazon. Will it be okay if I send you the full novel in PDF file so you can read and provide an honest review? Only if it's okay with you.
-
Quote
Holy fuck. The appreciation is off the scale this time, I feel indebted. I'll certainly look into your recommendations. Again thanks, soon as I get the chance I'll review one of your own submissions.
+ more commentsMaxWatt on 06/29/2012
littletomtom on 10/12/2011
Thanks so much once again.
Jojo
MaxWatt on 09/28/2011