Comments About EganMike 5

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  Jeff H on 12/17/2011

  EganMike wrote:

  Couple things though...you wanted Jack to call the cops about his runaway wife. And you wanted Parker to make sure Jack had already called it in. But why? At that point, there were no signs of foul play. In fact, the closets were cleaned out and her ring was left behind. To both Jack and Parker, it simply appeared that Johanna had just walked out on him.

  
  I guess the key factor for me was the fact that Jack said Johanna was pregnant. It's one thing if his wife simply runs off. It's another thing if she runs off with his unborn child (which raises an interesting question: would that be considered kidnapping?).
  

  EganMike wrote:

  Also...you were pretty critical of Parker's somewhat aloof investigative style. That was intentional. He was so preoccupied with finding Melissa, that the Johanna case didn't get the attention it deserved. Still, maybe I went too far there? Maybe I need to reel him in a little.

  
  Right now, it just feels like Parker is in two different stories that aren’t really connected. In one story, he’s a PI looking for Jack’s wife, and in the other story, he’s just a guy looking for his long lost love: two goals that have nothing to do with each other. Also, (and this is something I should've brought up in my review) what's at stake for Parker? If he doesn't find Johanna, then what? If he doesn't find, Melissa, then what?
  
  Parker's only goal should be to do the job he was hired for: find Johanna. His preoccupation with Melissa should be an obstacle in achieving that goal, not another goal itself. Parker should try to be the best PI he can be, but he can't help but be distracted by the memories of his old flame. His obsession with Melissa becomes his flaw.
  
  I actually think there's an opportunity here for another layer of conflict to be integrated into your story. Consider this: What if in Act 1, we learn that Parker is a little more down on his luck with his PI business? What if he hasn’t had very many clients, and is desperate for work? What if he's so broke he can't even afford the engagement ring for Abby? Also, what if he was so heartbroken over Melissa that he vowed to never return to Nantucket. Now, when Parker gets the call from Jack, he’s conflicted because he desperately needs the money, but in order to do the job, he has to return to Nantucket. He doesn’t want to return, but doesn’t really have any other choice. Once he’s there, it’s difficult for him to concentrate on the case because he’s constantly reminded of Melissa.
  
  I’m not sure if any of that helps, but if you have any more questions, feel free to ask. Good luck!
  
  
  
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  Revale on 12/12/2011

  Count Libido wrote:

  No need to explain why you disagree with my comments. Everyone's got an opinion and you can't win everyone round. If my comments helped you one way or another, even compounding your belief in your script then it's all good.
  
  At the end of the day, if you believe your dialogue wasn't on the nose or that the flashbacks were too long then nothing will change that. I can easily ask you to name a film with such long flashback sequences or OTN dialogue but at the end of the day, it's not me that needs convincing.
  
  Good luck in your writing and remember, we're all here for feedback - be it good or bad.

  
  
  Hi Mike, I guess Count Libido can dish it out but he can't take it. I did a review of his submission and he immediately sent it to the Hall of Justice cause little Libido thought I was too rough on his fine masterpiece.
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  **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/11/2011

  No need to explain why you disagree with my comments. Everyone's got an opinion and you can't win everyone round. If my comments helped you one way or another, even compounding your belief in your script then it's all good.
  
  At the end of the day, if you believe your dialogue wasn't on the nose or that the flashbacks were too long then nothing will change that. I can easily ask you to name a film with such long flashback sequences or OTN dialogue but at the end of the day, it's not me that needs convincing.
  
  Good luck in your writing and remember, we're all here for feedback - be it good or bad.

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Comments About EganMike 5

• 
  Quote

  Jeff H on 12/17/2011

  EganMike wrote:

  Couple things though...you wanted Jack to call the cops about his runaway wife. And you wanted Parker to make sure Jack had already called it in. But why? At that point, there were no signs of foul play. In fact, the closets were cleaned out and her ring was left behind. To both Jack and Parker, it simply appeared that Johanna had just walked out on him.

  
  I guess the key factor for me was the fact that Jack said Johanna was pregnant. It's one thing if his wife simply runs off. It's another thing if she runs off with his unborn child (which raises an interesting question: would that be considered kidnapping?).
  

  EganMike wrote:

  Also...you were pretty critical of Parker's somewhat aloof investigative style. That was intentional. He was so preoccupied with finding Melissa, that the Johanna case didn't get the attention it deserved. Still, maybe I went too far there? Maybe I need to reel him in a little.

  
  Right now, it just feels like Parker is in two different stories that aren’t really connected. In one story, he’s a PI looking for Jack’s wife, and in the other story, he’s just a guy looking for his long lost love: two goals that have nothing to do with each other. Also, (and this is something I should've brought up in my review) what's at stake for Parker? If he doesn't find Johanna, then what? If he doesn't find, Melissa, then what?
  
  Parker's only goal should be to do the job he was hired for: find Johanna. His preoccupation with Melissa should be an obstacle in achieving that goal, not another goal itself. Parker should try to be the best PI he can be, but he can't help but be distracted by the memories of his old flame. His obsession with Melissa becomes his flaw.
  
  I actually think there's an opportunity here for another layer of conflict to be integrated into your story. Consider this: What if in Act 1, we learn that Parker is a little more down on his luck with his PI business? What if he hasn’t had very many clients, and is desperate for work? What if he's so broke he can't even afford the engagement ring for Abby? Also, what if he was so heartbroken over Melissa that he vowed to never return to Nantucket. Now, when Parker gets the call from Jack, he’s conflicted because he desperately needs the money, but in order to do the job, he has to return to Nantucket. He doesn’t want to return, but doesn’t really have any other choice. Once he’s there, it’s difficult for him to concentrate on the case because he’s constantly reminded of Melissa.
  
  I’m not sure if any of that helps, but if you have any more questions, feel free to ask. Good luck!
  
  
  
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  Quote

  Revale on 12/12/2011

  Count Libido wrote:

  No need to explain why you disagree with my comments. Everyone's got an opinion and you can't win everyone round. If my comments helped you one way or another, even compounding your belief in your script then it's all good.
  
  At the end of the day, if you believe your dialogue wasn't on the nose or that the flashbacks were too long then nothing will change that. I can easily ask you to name a film with such long flashback sequences or OTN dialogue but at the end of the day, it's not me that needs convincing.
  
  Good luck in your writing and remember, we're all here for feedback - be it good or bad.

  
  
  Hi Mike, I guess Count Libido can dish it out but he can't take it. I did a review of his submission and he immediately sent it to the Hall of Justice cause little Libido thought I was too rough on his fine masterpiece.
• 
  Quote

  **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/11/2011

  No need to explain why you disagree with my comments. Everyone's got an opinion and you can't win everyone round. If my comments helped you one way or another, even compounding your belief in your script then it's all good.
  
  At the end of the day, if you believe your dialogue wasn't on the nose or that the flashbacks were too long then nothing will change that. I can easily ask you to name a film with such long flashback sequences or OTN dialogue but at the end of the day, it's not me that needs convincing.
  
  Good luck in your writing and remember, we're all here for feedback - be it good or bad.
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  Quote

  wanderingmbhorn on 12/02/2011

  Hey Mike,
  
  Thanks for the helpful review on Norm, really appreciate your time and thoughts! Especially the note on Shelley, I just had another reviewer friend of mine point that same thing out.
  
  Thanks!
  
  John
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  arcilesifilms on 12/01/2011

  Thanks for watching and reviewing GOD'S ACRE. Best of luck!

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