a screenplay
by Howie428
Genres:
horror
A tormented woman must control her rage if she’s to save a sea-side town from a soul stealing Banshee.
Bio
no bio
Submissions by Howie428
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a screenplay by Howie428An interrogator botches his job and joins his prisoners’ struggle to overthrow their cruel regime.
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a screenplay by Howie428A skeptical Native American teen must accept his responsibility to guard Gods of a lake and a mountain.
Reviews by Howie428 41
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A review of Just Call Me Bruce (TS #5)by Howie428 on 05/27/2013Please see below my comments on your “JUST CALL ME BRUCE 2014” draft. Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments. I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you can see... Please see below my comments on your “JUST CALL ME BRUCE 2014” draft.
Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments.
I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you can see what I was thinking.
Title – The title is fine, although I’m guessing “2014” doesn’t count. Presumably this has an Australian in it.
Pg 1 – “DOWNTOWN STREET” - Perhaps HONG KONG STREET.
It’s an exciting action opening.
Pg 2 – “one stupid cop” - It feels a bit odd that he’d be this cocky while still in the street under fire.
Pg 3 – “Cut!” - It was cool stuff and is something of a letdown that it’s a fakeout.
Pg 4 – I recall that Scriptshadow once noted the effect of second scenes being dramatic slow downs from the first in many scripts. With the mundane dialogue on this page you’ve got a clear example of that.
Pg 5 – I had gender confusion with “Mic” being a woman’s name. It’s a cool intro to her.
Pg 7 – “close this office” - It’s a good immediate problem for Mic.
Pg 8 – “rice chicken” - I can see how that might be a bad subtitle, but I’m afraid I’m missing why it’s especially funny.
Pg 10 – I like the concept of her being forced to go undercover on a film set. For me the scene ran on a bit long and repeated itself in places.
Pg 13 – I’m enjoying Mic’s story, but I was beginning to wonder if the opening scene had anything to do with it. The Bella being tired thing works, although you could consider raising it after the first scene since that might flow better.
Pg 15 – It’s good to give us an insight into Mic’s problems.
Pg 16 – I like Snake’s plan. I’m surprised he’s bothered about making a deal with writers.
Pg 19 – It’s occurred to me that perhaps it’s a better fit if she works for a struggling music magazine and they want movie stories to boost their numbers.
Pg 22 – It’s good to see Mic fail early on.
Pg 24 – It’s a clear first act turn that sets Mic on a new path.
Pg 28 – It feels a bit dull having her audition. There have to be a lot of other ways she could get the part.
Pg 31 – Her being a woman doesn’t seem like it would be that big of a deal these days.
I’m enjoying the fun entertaining tone of this.
Pg 33 – I get that this has a homage aspect to it, but things like the moonwalking and the “Houston...” line might be part of that, but there’s a danger that they feel cliché.
Pg 34 – “That’s it?” - Why would she say this? It seems to give her exactly what she needs.
Pg 37 – Now that Mic has got the job there’s a danger that the story will lose momentum in the absence of a further goal, and these last few pages seem to go that way.
Pg 39 – The stuff here is amusing, but it feels out of character for the previously serious Mic.
Pg 43 – “Hits him in the back.” - I know movies about movies have done this before, but the way you are implying this is all one take is probably a stretch.
Pg 49 – The drama is going okay, but at the moment this is feeling a bit aimless.
“it was only a dream” - I don’t know what she’s referring to and I’d guess this’ll confuse the audience.
Pg 62 – There is some entertainment in it, but it feels like the Frankie and Mic mundane relationship story has been playing out for a long time, while the wider story has largely stopped.
Pg 66 – “Donnie didn’t make it.” - For me this was pretty predictable several pages ago.
Pg 73 – “Pull back to reveal” - You’ve now used this fakeout approach so many times that it’s obvious they are acting.
Pg 74 – “Snake and his Flunkies” - You set up them doing something a long time ago and it feels like they have been out of the story too long.
It is good to see some real action.
Pg 76 – “look the same to me” - Even in a joking context, I’m not sure it’s wise to say this.
Pg 78 – The attack has stirred this up and raised good issues.
Pg 81 – She got the great story she wanted, so everything turned out well?
Pg 83 – I like that she is pursuing her dream.
Pg 86 – Where are the consequences from the confrontation with Shake?
Pg 90 – The combination of her battle with the bad guy and her big break happening at the same time is good stuff.
Pg 96 – And the ending is a nice romantic pay-off.
Overall, this has a lot of fun material in it. The location and the world is well set up and nicely contained. It gives the story a distinctive flavor. The main character is engaging and makes progress through the story.
As you’ll have got from my other notes I had a variety of issues with the script. I think the big one is that the second act lacks momentum and could use a clearer narrative drive.
Good luck with it. read -
A review of Angels (rev)by Howie428 on 05/26/2013Please see below my comments on your “ANGELS” draft. Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments. I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you can see what I was thinking... Please see below my comments on your “ANGELS” draft.
Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments.
I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you can see what I was thinking.
Title – It’s a good title. Seems like it would have been used before but that’s not necessarily a problem.
Who is the other guy mentioned on the title page?
Pg 1 – The opening SUPER is okay, although it’s almost too bland.
For me the SUPER for Chicago probably isn’t needed. It’s a distinctive place and it probably doesn’t matter if people recognize it or not. Also, by taking it out you save four lines, which is valuable for a 120 page beast!
“Establishing a” - You could drop this phrase since it’s a bit mechanical.
Yeah, that opening scene is a bit gross! However, within this genre it’s certainly an attention grabbing first page.
Pg 2 – I listen to the Scriptnotes podcast and one of their “things writers shouldn’t do anymore” is having characters look at themselves in the mirror. It’s a well-worn scene. Also, for me your writing of it feels heavy. To illustrate my point, here is an alternate version of it, “Debrina looks in the mirror at her drained reflection. She gets out some “Ambian CR”, considers it, and puts it away.” That might be a bit extreme, but I’d guess that fits on two lines, instead of eleven.
“Establishing courthouse an elaborate building. PEOPLE bustle along.” - The scene heading says we’re at the courthouse and most people would guess the L.A. courthouse is “elaborate”. Also, you probably don’t need to capitalize PEOPLE, since you’re unlikely to cast the crowd.
Pg 5 – I thought Debrina was in Chicago.
Pg 6 – Didn’t you already establish L.A.?
Why does the guy put gloves on after he has contacted the target’s car?
Pg 10 – “And he needs the antidote.” - Perhaps explain this before the chase begins, since it’s key to us understanding what’s going on.
At this point things are going okay. A bad guy is getting what he deserves in a complicated way. It’s feeling a bit over written and I’m not really engaged with any of the characters, so I’ll admit it’s feeling like hard going at the moment.
Pg 12 – “Agera R, which continues onward...” - I’m not sure I get the point of this extended scene. I’m impatient for it to payoff.
Pg 13 – That’s a crazy complicated way to kill someone and I’m not sure I understand why they’d do it this way.
The filmed car chase is cool, but I’m not sure that going to it straight after your other big car chase makes sense.
Pg 17 – Frankie getting killed and her house blowing up is fine, if that’s the way you want to go, but I’m not clear on why we need to be told about it again by the Fireman since we saw it for ourselves.
“massages her lithe body” - I like seeing this sort of thing as much as the next man, but even I can spot gratuitous nudity of a kind that irritates some women.
Pg 18 – “Debrina powers down her window.” - In a script that’s on the long side I’m puzzled at seeing her wake up, take a shower, and drive away from her house, before we get to the bit where something actually happens. You could cut a lot of stuff out of this and the story would be unchanged.
“The Cordon Officer's face tells it.” - We find this out for a third time and I’m afraid I don’t understand what significance it has for Debrina.
Pg 21 – “It's Bunni!” - Being honest, I can’t remember who Bunni is. I thought she might be Debrina’s sister, but no that’s Beckie, also Blonde and beginning with a “B”. I looked back to find out, which is not a good sign. I’m afraid it’s hard to care about the death of someone I can’t remember.
Pg 24 – It’s good that this has cleared up much of what has been going on.
Pg 26 – I like the drama of their argument.
Pg 30 – You’re doing interesting things with these visions. It’s an open question how many people want to vicariously experience being sexually attacked, but I guess movies have done it before.
Pg 32 – “BECKIE'S KITCHEN” - Mini-slugs probably need the same spacing format as the full ones.
Beckie exiting is a good twist. My initial thought is that if you pruned out pages in the first act this would be a solid first act turn.
Pg 36 – The possession stuff is cool.
Pg 38 – Again these detectives are finding out stuff we already know.
Pg 50 – I like a lot of what you have in these pages. I’m wonder if there’s a way to make Debrina more active, since at the moment she’s not actively hunting this guy.
Pg 51 – The attacks are feeling quite repetitive, which might reflect the slow pace with which the story is moving forward.
Pg 55 – “You've got to stop him.” - It feels like they could have concluded this quite a bit earlier.
Pg 58 – “you look terrible” - Funny, and I really like the collective spirits thing.
Pg 62 – “And with that she goes...” - This is an example of a cuttable scene ending.
Pg 63 – “Mike smiles...” - Again, this is probably droppable.
The story has gained energy now that Debrina is pretending to be Beckie, has a clear mission, and is acting on it. Also, it’s really clever for her to be Beckie, since obviously Beckie has access to resources and weapons.
One issue that occurs to me is that you just had Debrina explain exactly what The Director is doing. I wonder if there is more mileage in having her not know, and have to figure it out.
Pg 66 – I’m not sure we found out anything we didn’t already know from the scene with the Coroner.
Pg 69 – For me, it’s a disappointment that she’s given up on pretending to be Beckie and working with the police.
Pg 71 – I’m sensing an unrelated sidetrack with this case.
Pg 74 – The car chase, and the earlier one, has little to do with the core story of this. If I was a Producer, I’d cut them both immediately and save myself a boat-load of cash.
Pg 76 – “I'm coming back to work.” - Why waste time by having her quit?
Pg 78 – “He laughs with manic glee.” - Even though this guy does some horrific things, I’m not sure he’s a well-developed bad guy. We know little of what he’s like or why he’s doing all this.
Pg 82 – “Lance was with me all night.” - Using him as a human shield is bound to end badly. Also, I thought the plan would be to have the police watching out for her since they just agreed to bait The Director.
Pg 90 – So the meeting with Rawlings was to tell her some evidence had arrived from Chicago? At 90 pages in I’d be hoping for a bit more story momentum.
Pg 96 – “Being selfish” - The point this guy is making is ridiculous.
Pg 98 – I had figured on Mike or Lance being the bad guy, but not both of them! Having Rawlings figure this out feels weak, since it really should be Debrina who breaks the case. Also, for me neither Mike or Lance fits the profile I’d expect of The Director.
Pg 101 – Okay, so it wasn’t Mike.
“Debrina is naked on her bed, bound and gagged.” - Did Rawlings just go home? And Debrina for all her toughness has been overpowered the first moment The Director decides to attack her?
Pg 102 – And she’s rescued by magic and doesn’t just kill this guy?
Pg 103 – “It's LANCE!” - I guessed right. To add tension perhaps he should tell her all this while he’s still in control of the situation.
Pg 108 – Again, this feels like a puzzlingly complex way to kill someone. Also, since Debrina has already won out this is feeling like an extended wrap up.
Pg 110 – If you really want to use your big car chase thing then for me it should be Debrina who has been drugged and must get the antidote.
Pg 118 – “Lance's DEAD body gets up” - Now I’m confused. Is this whole thing a riff on cinematic stories?
Pg 119 – The ending is dramatic stuff.
Overall, there’s a lot that I like about this. You have a distinctive story with clear cinematic aspect to it. It has a clear monster element that gives the overall goal stakes and clarity. The central character is solid and you’ve done a nice job of giving her personal conflict and putting her into a fun situation (when she’s possessed by her sister).
The writing technique of this is fine, but for me it’s often overwritten and could be tightened up a lot. Also, I saw quite a few scenes that felt peripheral to the story, so my main suggestion of this would be to heavily prune it. I could see this being as much as 30 pages shorter and being much sharper for it. This also makes sense when you consider that what you have here is a creature feature procedural that probably fits in the horror genre, perhaps crime drama, and the scripts for those tend to be on the shorter side.
I had various other issues with the script, but I think I covered them in my other notes, so I’m not going to rehash them here.
This is definitely a concept with good genre movie potential and I could see it working for the right production company.
Good luck with it. read -
A review of Goddessby Howie428 on 05/24/2013Please see below my comments on your “GODDESS” draft. Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments. I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you can see what I was thinking... Please see below my comments on your “GODDESS” draft.
Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments.
I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you can see what I was thinking.
Title – It’s a solid title that gets me interested.
Pg 1 – “A doctor, assisted by two NURSES.” - I’m guessing the Doctor doesn’t have dialogue, but it looks odd not to capitalize him.
“Diana...” - Seems odd that one nurse forced her to look at the baby while the other bats for the other team.
The first page has good solid drama on it. I’ll admit that opening with a birth is something that I initially cringed at, because I seen it in quite a few stories.
Pg 2 – “SUPER: 14 YEARS LATER.” - An early story jump like this often makes me wonder if what came before it belongs in the backstory rather than in the movie.
Pg 4 – The intro scene with Newman is okay, although it could probably be tightened up and still cover the same ground.
Pg 6 – It seems a bit odd that you focused on Meredith waking up Newman and ensuring his movements, while apparently allowing the much more important Audrey to wander off.
“Audrey outruns the car.” - This is cool stuff, but I wonder if it would be more cool if we’d met her before this. I’m even more puzzled about why we spent time meeting Newman instead of the person I assume is the lead.
Pg 8 – “excursions quiet?” - If this is set in the present there is no non-magical way they could keep this quiet. Her run on the freeway was fun stuff, but I’d suggest setting her up and giving her a motivation for the run.
Pg 10 – Okay, so they didn’t manage to keep it quiet.
Pg 11 – I like that she has a clear objective. I’m finding her a bit of a puzzle, because her playful attitude might not fit with her desire for “greatness”. Also, the playboy Newman has come over quite serious and educated on this page.
“Even if it means risking everyone you care about?” - This makes me ask who that is? If she’s going to risk something you could consider showing us how and why she cares about it.
Pg 15 – Again, the time jump comes as a surprise and perhaps leaves things a bit unresolved.
Pg 16 – “Audrey and Meredith with BRYCE YUN, mid to late 30’s.” - I’m a bit confused because I assumed that Audrey had run away from Meredith and was working on her own. I think “She hops down from the window and disappears.” Was the line that made me think that.
Pg 17 – “Athena.” - Cool name, and no-one can claim rights to it. On reflection though, it also means you can’t hold the rights to it.
Her being revealed in public has an Ironman feel to it. I’m enjoying the fun of it, but I don’t have a sense of why any of this matters. There doesn’t seem to be opposition or a particular need for the hero to rise.
Pg 23 – This publicity stuff is interesting, but it occurs to me that we’ve actually seen Audrey do very little with her powers. She’s also had ten years of superhuman power during which she has made no progress in tracking her parents?
Pg 29 – It’s a decent action sequence, but it’s hard to feel worried since she seems multi-powered and her opposition is comparatively weak.
Pg 34 – Correlating her powers with those of the sun is really strong. Is her dad going to turn out to be Helios?
Pg 43 – The arrival of Proagkelos gives the story a great new edge. Now there is mystery and a threat to Audrey.
Pg 46 – Feels odd that having said they are going to call for Audrey, she is now on vacation.
Pg 47 – “Bikini bods. Buff dudes” - This makes me realize that we don’t really have a sense of what Audrey looks like, how she feels about it, and how she does in relationships.
Pg 50 – I love that this guy is holding her accountable for her actions and giving her hard decisions to make.
Pg 55 – Newman’s Udronium plan is feeling like it’s taking too long to get going and it’s not clear to me how it relates to the wider story.
Pg 61 – For me it’s too easy that she finds her mother via archives finally figuring it out rather than by taking action herself. Indeed at this point Audrey has been a passive protagonist most of the way through this story.
Pg 66 – Meeting her mother is a solid dramatic payoff.
Pg 68 – I like that she has decided to assert herself. It’s worth considering whether this should happen at an early point.
Pg 78 – The battle feels like a good story escalation.
Pg 89 – Her decision has a nice ambiguity about it. It’s hard to know where I stand on it because we have only minimal info on what the place she could go is all about. If people are at risk if she stays then perhaps we need to know that a negative outcome is likely if she goes. Otherwise, why doesn’t she just go?
Again, it’s good that the stakes have risen.
Pg 99 – It makes sense the have a big battle and the center of the finale.
Pg 105 – It might be that the wrap up is running a bit long.
Overall, I like a lot of what you have here. The hero and her powers is great and the dilemma and opposition she ultimately faces is good stuff. I also like the personal issues with her mother.
As you’ll have got from my other notes, I did have quite a few problems with this, but I won’t repeat them all here. Broadly, I’d suggest taking a big picture look at the structure of the story and seeing if you can rework this to activate the story and in particular activate Audrey.
For example, you skipped over the pivotal bit of most super-hero stories, which is that part where the hero begins to use and understand his/her powers. Putting this in would be part of helping us to get to know her better earlier on.
This is a very tough story to nail. You either have to deliver on the action superhero thing or you need to pursue a personal story strong enough to overcome our wish for the all-out action superhero thing. I find it very interesting that you’ve tried the personal route, but as it stands the story doesn’t fully nail either the action or the personal side and so became a bit frustrating in places.
Good luck with it. read
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Submissions by Howie428
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a screenplay by Howie428Genres: horror
A tormented woman must control her rage if she’s to save a sea-side town from a soul stealing Banshee.
-
a screenplay by Howie428
An interrogator botches his job and joins his prisoners’ struggle to overthrow their cruel regime.
-
a screenplay by Howie428
A skeptical Native American teen must accept his responsibility to guard Gods of a lake and a mountain.
Reviews by Howie428 41
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A review of Just Call Me Bruce (TS #5)by Howie428 on 05/27/2013Please see below my comments on your “JUST CALL ME BRUCE 2014” draft. Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments. I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you can see... Please see below my comments on your “JUST CALL ME BRUCE 2014” draft.
Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments.
I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you can see what I was thinking.
Title – The title is fine, although I’m guessing “2014” doesn’t count. Presumably this has an Australian in it.
Pg 1 – “DOWNTOWN STREET” - Perhaps HONG KONG STREET.
It’s an exciting action opening.
Pg 2 – “one stupid cop” - It feels a bit odd that he’d be this cocky while still in the street under fire.
Pg 3 – “Cut!” - It was cool stuff and is something of a letdown that it’s a fakeout.
Pg 4 – I recall that Scriptshadow once noted the effect of second scenes being dramatic slow downs from the first in many scripts. With the mundane dialogue on this page you’ve got a clear example of that.
Pg 5 – I had gender confusion with “Mic” being a woman’s name. It’s a cool intro to her.
Pg 7 – “close this office” - It’s a good immediate problem for Mic.
Pg 8 – “rice chicken” - I can see how that might be a bad subtitle, but I’m afraid I’m missing why it’s especially funny.
Pg 10 – I like the concept of her being forced to go undercover on a film set. For me the scene ran on a bit long and repeated itself in places.
Pg 13 – I’m enjoying Mic’s story, but I was beginning to wonder if the opening scene had anything to do with it. The Bella being tired thing works, although you could consider raising it after the first scene since that might flow better.
Pg 15 – It’s good to give us an insight into Mic’s problems.
Pg 16 – I like Snake’s plan. I’m surprised he’s bothered about making a deal with writers.
Pg 19 – It’s occurred to me that perhaps it’s a better fit if she works for a struggling music magazine and they want movie stories to boost their numbers.
Pg 22 – It’s good to see Mic fail early on.
Pg 24 – It’s a clear first act turn that sets Mic on a new path.
Pg 28 – It feels a bit dull having her audition. There have to be a lot of other ways she could get the part.
Pg 31 – Her being a woman doesn’t seem like it would be that big of a deal these days.
I’m enjoying the fun entertaining tone of this.
Pg 33 – I get that this has a homage aspect to it, but things like the moonwalking and the “Houston...” line might be part of that, but there’s a danger that they feel cliché.
Pg 34 – “That’s it?” - Why would she say this? It seems to give her exactly what she needs.
Pg 37 – Now that Mic has got the job there’s a danger that the story will lose momentum in the absence of a further goal, and these last few pages seem to go that way.
Pg 39 – The stuff here is amusing, but it feels out of character for the previously serious Mic.
Pg 43 – “Hits him in the back.” - I know movies about movies have done this before, but the way you are implying this is all one take is probably a stretch.
Pg 49 – The drama is going okay, but at the moment this is feeling a bit aimless.
“it was only a dream” - I don’t know what she’s referring to and I’d guess this’ll confuse the audience.
Pg 62 – There is some entertainment in it, but it feels like the Frankie and Mic mundane relationship story has been playing out for a long time, while the wider story has largely stopped.
Pg 66 – “Donnie didn’t make it.” - For me this was pretty predictable several pages ago.
Pg 73 – “Pull back to reveal” - You’ve now used this fakeout approach so many times that it’s obvious they are acting.
Pg 74 – “Snake and his Flunkies” - You set up them doing something a long time ago and it feels like they have been out of the story too long.
It is good to see some real action.
Pg 76 – “look the same to me” - Even in a joking context, I’m not sure it’s wise to say this.
Pg 78 – The attack has stirred this up and raised good issues.
Pg 81 – She got the great story she wanted, so everything turned out well?
Pg 83 – I like that she is pursuing her dream.
Pg 86 – Where are the consequences from the confrontation with Shake?
Pg 90 – The combination of her battle with the bad guy and her big break happening at the same time is good stuff.
Pg 96 – And the ending is a nice romantic pay-off.
Overall, this has a lot of fun material in it. The location and the world is well set up and nicely contained. It gives the story a distinctive flavor. The main character is engaging and makes progress through the story.
As you’ll have got from my other notes I had a variety of issues with the script. I think the big one is that the second act lacks momentum and could use a clearer narrative drive.
Good luck with it. read -
A review of Angels (rev)by Howie428 on 05/26/2013Please see below my comments on your “ANGELS” draft. Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments. I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you can see what I was thinking... Please see below my comments on your “ANGELS” draft.
Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments.
I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you can see what I was thinking.
Title – It’s a good title. Seems like it would have been used before but that’s not necessarily a problem.
Who is the other guy mentioned on the title page?
Pg 1 – The opening SUPER is okay, although it’s almost too bland.
For me the SUPER for Chicago probably isn’t needed. It’s a distinctive place and it probably doesn’t matter if people recognize it or not. Also, by taking it out you save four lines, which is valuable for a 120 page beast!
“Establishing a” - You could drop this phrase since it’s a bit mechanical.
Yeah, that opening scene is a bit gross! However, within this genre it’s certainly an attention grabbing first page.
Pg 2 – I listen to the Scriptnotes podcast and one of their “things writers shouldn’t do anymore” is having characters look at themselves in the mirror. It’s a well-worn scene. Also, for me your writing of it feels heavy. To illustrate my point, here is an alternate version of it, “Debrina looks in the mirror at her drained reflection. She gets out some “Ambian CR”, considers it, and puts it away.” That might be a bit extreme, but I’d guess that fits on two lines, instead of eleven.
“Establishing courthouse an elaborate building. PEOPLE bustle along.” - The scene heading says we’re at the courthouse and most people would guess the L.A. courthouse is “elaborate”. Also, you probably don’t need to capitalize PEOPLE, since you’re unlikely to cast the crowd.
Pg 5 – I thought Debrina was in Chicago.
Pg 6 – Didn’t you already establish L.A.?
Why does the guy put gloves on after he has contacted the target’s car?
Pg 10 – “And he needs the antidote.” - Perhaps explain this before the chase begins, since it’s key to us understanding what’s going on.
At this point things are going okay. A bad guy is getting what he deserves in a complicated way. It’s feeling a bit over written and I’m not really engaged with any of the characters, so I’ll admit it’s feeling like hard going at the moment.
Pg 12 – “Agera R, which continues onward...” - I’m not sure I get the point of this extended scene. I’m impatient for it to payoff.
Pg 13 – That’s a crazy complicated way to kill someone and I’m not sure I understand why they’d do it this way.
The filmed car chase is cool, but I’m not sure that going to it straight after your other big car chase makes sense.
Pg 17 – Frankie getting killed and her house blowing up is fine, if that’s the way you want to go, but I’m not clear on why we need to be told about it again by the Fireman since we saw it for ourselves.
“massages her lithe body” - I like seeing this sort of thing as much as the next man, but even I can spot gratuitous nudity of a kind that irritates some women.
Pg 18 – “Debrina powers down her window.” - In a script that’s on the long side I’m puzzled at seeing her wake up, take a shower, and drive away from her house, before we get to the bit where something actually happens. You could cut a lot of stuff out of this and the story would be unchanged.
“The Cordon Officer's face tells it.” - We find this out for a third time and I’m afraid I don’t understand what significance it has for Debrina.
Pg 21 – “It's Bunni!” - Being honest, I can’t remember who Bunni is. I thought she might be Debrina’s sister, but no that’s Beckie, also Blonde and beginning with a “B”. I looked back to find out, which is not a good sign. I’m afraid it’s hard to care about the death of someone I can’t remember.
Pg 24 – It’s good that this has cleared up much of what has been going on.
Pg 26 – I like the drama of their argument.
Pg 30 – You’re doing interesting things with these visions. It’s an open question how many people want to vicariously experience being sexually attacked, but I guess movies have done it before.
Pg 32 – “BECKIE'S KITCHEN” - Mini-slugs probably need the same spacing format as the full ones.
Beckie exiting is a good twist. My initial thought is that if you pruned out pages in the first act this would be a solid first act turn.
Pg 36 – The possession stuff is cool.
Pg 38 – Again these detectives are finding out stuff we already know.
Pg 50 – I like a lot of what you have in these pages. I’m wonder if there’s a way to make Debrina more active, since at the moment she’s not actively hunting this guy.
Pg 51 – The attacks are feeling quite repetitive, which might reflect the slow pace with which the story is moving forward.
Pg 55 – “You've got to stop him.” - It feels like they could have concluded this quite a bit earlier.
Pg 58 – “you look terrible” - Funny, and I really like the collective spirits thing.
Pg 62 – “And with that she goes...” - This is an example of a cuttable scene ending.
Pg 63 – “Mike smiles...” - Again, this is probably droppable.
The story has gained energy now that Debrina is pretending to be Beckie, has a clear mission, and is acting on it. Also, it’s really clever for her to be Beckie, since obviously Beckie has access to resources and weapons.
One issue that occurs to me is that you just had Debrina explain exactly what The Director is doing. I wonder if there is more mileage in having her not know, and have to figure it out.
Pg 66 – I’m not sure we found out anything we didn’t already know from the scene with the Coroner.
Pg 69 – For me, it’s a disappointment that she’s given up on pretending to be Beckie and working with the police.
Pg 71 – I’m sensing an unrelated sidetrack with this case.
Pg 74 – The car chase, and the earlier one, has little to do with the core story of this. If I was a Producer, I’d cut them both immediately and save myself a boat-load of cash.
Pg 76 – “I'm coming back to work.” - Why waste time by having her quit?
Pg 78 – “He laughs with manic glee.” - Even though this guy does some horrific things, I’m not sure he’s a well-developed bad guy. We know little of what he’s like or why he’s doing all this.
Pg 82 – “Lance was with me all night.” - Using him as a human shield is bound to end badly. Also, I thought the plan would be to have the police watching out for her since they just agreed to bait The Director.
Pg 90 – So the meeting with Rawlings was to tell her some evidence had arrived from Chicago? At 90 pages in I’d be hoping for a bit more story momentum.
Pg 96 – “Being selfish” - The point this guy is making is ridiculous.
Pg 98 – I had figured on Mike or Lance being the bad guy, but not both of them! Having Rawlings figure this out feels weak, since it really should be Debrina who breaks the case. Also, for me neither Mike or Lance fits the profile I’d expect of The Director.
Pg 101 – Okay, so it wasn’t Mike.
“Debrina is naked on her bed, bound and gagged.” - Did Rawlings just go home? And Debrina for all her toughness has been overpowered the first moment The Director decides to attack her?
Pg 102 – And she’s rescued by magic and doesn’t just kill this guy?
Pg 103 – “It's LANCE!” - I guessed right. To add tension perhaps he should tell her all this while he’s still in control of the situation.
Pg 108 – Again, this feels like a puzzlingly complex way to kill someone. Also, since Debrina has already won out this is feeling like an extended wrap up.
Pg 110 – If you really want to use your big car chase thing then for me it should be Debrina who has been drugged and must get the antidote.
Pg 118 – “Lance's DEAD body gets up” - Now I’m confused. Is this whole thing a riff on cinematic stories?
Pg 119 – The ending is dramatic stuff.
Overall, there’s a lot that I like about this. You have a distinctive story with clear cinematic aspect to it. It has a clear monster element that gives the overall goal stakes and clarity. The central character is solid and you’ve done a nice job of giving her personal conflict and putting her into a fun situation (when she’s possessed by her sister).
The writing technique of this is fine, but for me it’s often overwritten and could be tightened up a lot. Also, I saw quite a few scenes that felt peripheral to the story, so my main suggestion of this would be to heavily prune it. I could see this being as much as 30 pages shorter and being much sharper for it. This also makes sense when you consider that what you have here is a creature feature procedural that probably fits in the horror genre, perhaps crime drama, and the scripts for those tend to be on the shorter side.
I had various other issues with the script, but I think I covered them in my other notes, so I’m not going to rehash them here.
This is definitely a concept with good genre movie potential and I could see it working for the right production company.
Good luck with it. read -
A review of Goddessby Howie428 on 05/24/2013Please see below my comments on your “GODDESS” draft. Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments. I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you can see what I was thinking... Please see below my comments on your “GODDESS” draft.
Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments.
I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you can see what I was thinking.
Title – It’s a solid title that gets me interested.
Pg 1 – “A doctor, assisted by two NURSES.” - I’m guessing the Doctor doesn’t have dialogue, but it looks odd not to capitalize him.
“Diana...” - Seems odd that one nurse forced her to look at the baby while the other bats for the other team.
The first page has good solid drama on it. I’ll admit that opening with a birth is something that I initially cringed at, because I seen it in quite a few stories.
Pg 2 – “SUPER: 14 YEARS LATER.” - An early story jump like this often makes me wonder if what came before it belongs in the backstory rather than in the movie.
Pg 4 – The intro scene with Newman is okay, although it could probably be tightened up and still cover the same ground.
Pg 6 – It seems a bit odd that you focused on Meredith waking up Newman and ensuring his movements, while apparently allowing the much more important Audrey to wander off.
“Audrey outruns the car.” - This is cool stuff, but I wonder if it would be more cool if we’d met her before this. I’m even more puzzled about why we spent time meeting Newman instead of the person I assume is the lead.
Pg 8 – “excursions quiet?” - If this is set in the present there is no non-magical way they could keep this quiet. Her run on the freeway was fun stuff, but I’d suggest setting her up and giving her a motivation for the run.
Pg 10 – Okay, so they didn’t manage to keep it quiet.
Pg 11 – I like that she has a clear objective. I’m finding her a bit of a puzzle, because her playful attitude might not fit with her desire for “greatness”. Also, the playboy Newman has come over quite serious and educated on this page.
“Even if it means risking everyone you care about?” - This makes me ask who that is? If she’s going to risk something you could consider showing us how and why she cares about it.
Pg 15 – Again, the time jump comes as a surprise and perhaps leaves things a bit unresolved.
Pg 16 – “Audrey and Meredith with BRYCE YUN, mid to late 30’s.” - I’m a bit confused because I assumed that Audrey had run away from Meredith and was working on her own. I think “She hops down from the window and disappears.” Was the line that made me think that.
Pg 17 – “Athena.” - Cool name, and no-one can claim rights to it. On reflection though, it also means you can’t hold the rights to it.
Her being revealed in public has an Ironman feel to it. I’m enjoying the fun of it, but I don’t have a sense of why any of this matters. There doesn’t seem to be opposition or a particular need for the hero to rise.
Pg 23 – This publicity stuff is interesting, but it occurs to me that we’ve actually seen Audrey do very little with her powers. She’s also had ten years of superhuman power during which she has made no progress in tracking her parents?
Pg 29 – It’s a decent action sequence, but it’s hard to feel worried since she seems multi-powered and her opposition is comparatively weak.
Pg 34 – Correlating her powers with those of the sun is really strong. Is her dad going to turn out to be Helios?
Pg 43 – The arrival of Proagkelos gives the story a great new edge. Now there is mystery and a threat to Audrey.
Pg 46 – Feels odd that having said they are going to call for Audrey, she is now on vacation.
Pg 47 – “Bikini bods. Buff dudes” - This makes me realize that we don’t really have a sense of what Audrey looks like, how she feels about it, and how she does in relationships.
Pg 50 – I love that this guy is holding her accountable for her actions and giving her hard decisions to make.
Pg 55 – Newman’s Udronium plan is feeling like it’s taking too long to get going and it’s not clear to me how it relates to the wider story.
Pg 61 – For me it’s too easy that she finds her mother via archives finally figuring it out rather than by taking action herself. Indeed at this point Audrey has been a passive protagonist most of the way through this story.
Pg 66 – Meeting her mother is a solid dramatic payoff.
Pg 68 – I like that she has decided to assert herself. It’s worth considering whether this should happen at an early point.
Pg 78 – The battle feels like a good story escalation.
Pg 89 – Her decision has a nice ambiguity about it. It’s hard to know where I stand on it because we have only minimal info on what the place she could go is all about. If people are at risk if she stays then perhaps we need to know that a negative outcome is likely if she goes. Otherwise, why doesn’t she just go?
Again, it’s good that the stakes have risen.
Pg 99 – It makes sense the have a big battle and the center of the finale.
Pg 105 – It might be that the wrap up is running a bit long.
Overall, I like a lot of what you have here. The hero and her powers is great and the dilemma and opposition she ultimately faces is good stuff. I also like the personal issues with her mother.
As you’ll have got from my other notes, I did have quite a few problems with this, but I won’t repeat them all here. Broadly, I’d suggest taking a big picture look at the structure of the story and seeing if you can rework this to activate the story and in particular activate Audrey.
For example, you skipped over the pivotal bit of most super-hero stories, which is that part where the hero begins to use and understand his/her powers. Putting this in would be part of helping us to get to know her better earlier on.
This is a very tough story to nail. You either have to deliver on the action superhero thing or you need to pursue a personal story strong enough to overcome our wish for the all-out action superhero thing. I find it very interesting that you’ve tried the personal route, but as it stands the story doesn’t fully nail either the action or the personal side and so became a bit frustrating in places.
Good luck with it. read -
A review of Karoly's Promise rev.by Howie428 on 05/07/2013Please see below my comments on your “Karoly's Promise, rev” draft. Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments. I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you can see what... Please see below my comments on your “Karoly's Promise, rev” draft.
Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments.
I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you can see what I was thinking.
Title – The title is okay for a drama. The title page could be changed to be standard script format.
Pg 1 – Unfortunately, I have to say that a glance at the first page is extremely discouraging. You’ve got big blocks of text and numerous formatting issues. Most pro readers would probably go no further than this. The good news is that most screenwriters make similar mistakes as they are getting started, so this is stuff that you can learn to fix.
I’m not sure what the 1990s scene is adding.
Pg 2 – Again, I’m not sure why we would see the second scene and then immediately skip to a year later.
Pg 9 – The set-up of the boy’s life works fine. We get a good sense of where he comes from.
Pg 11 – I like that 1990s Karoly has a clear objective.
Pg 17 – The history side of this is moving along quickly. I haven’t yet got a good sense of what the story is going to be about, but I guess biography can be like that.
Pg 18 – You’ve gone through WWII in what is almost a montage.
Pg 23 – The drama of him getting the food is good, although it does race through what could have been a longer sequence.
Pg 28 – I like the drama of the meeting with Latza, and it’s good that Karoly now has a new task.
“noting her hair, face, profile, and breasts” - I’m guessing that like much of this, this is coming from the source material. However, for a screenplay this feels a bit awkward.
Pg 33 – I’ll make another comment on the formatting issues here. In the middle of this page you have a huge action block. People who are in the habit of reading screenplays find this kind of thing unreadable, literally their eyes can’t cope with it, so they’ll skip right over it. It’s particularly unfortunate here, because it is the big action robbery scene, a moment of real tension and visual excitement within this story. You could easily play that out over several pages.
Pg 42 – His injury is a good set-back after his successes.
Pg 46 – I was beginning to wonder if the 1990s part of this had been forgotten. The return to it is so brief and insubstantial that it might as well have been.
Pg 53 – His meeting with Galina is a chance to get a bit more historical background across, but there’s a danger that it gets a bit heavy handed. Also, you got the issue of him constantly meeting new people making the story feel episodic, and perhaps preventing us from getting attached to his relationships.
Pg 59 – The romance and danger are good story ingredients.
“The machinery of state. Only death can stop it.” - It’s a decent sentiment, but it doesn’t feel like a moment when they’d discuss it.
Pg 63 – His escape was dramatic stuff. I have to wonder if what follows it will be able to escalate that drama now that he is safe in the west. It also makes me wonder if you could build up what you have so far and make it the whole of the story. Anyway, let’s see if I’m right to be concerned...
Pg 72 – The stuff in England is okay, but at this point I’d be suggesting taking it out. You could consider having him marry one of the earlier women he meets and somehow escape with her or meet up with her.
Pg 78 – Unfortunately, after the earlier big drama these parts are feeling quite flat. It feels like an extended wrap up.
Pg 90 – There’s good drama in his struggle to settle in America. Unfortunately it’s not a good follow on to the earlier stuff. Since you began with an intercutting approach with the new and the old story, I wonder if it makes sense to begin your modern story with their arrival in America and to intercut that story with the European story.
Pg 93 – I think I’ve missed what this journey back is for.
Pg 97 – His return to do another attack is an interesting development.
Pg 100 – At this point I’d suggest considering pushing this 1990s bit back so that it fits on the end of the 1970s part. That would fit more tightly with the story and serve as a more immediate act of contrition.
Pg 104 – And the ending has a nice poignant touch, even if the religious side of it is perhaps a bit forced.
Overall, there’s a lot of good story in this. The central character is distinctive and lived a life in which he participated in compelling events.
As I mentioned above, I’d suggest reworking the structure on this and seeing if you can get to a version of it that gets a stronger punch from the events included. Also, you’ll need to get the formatting and presentation sorted out if you want to shop this around.
Good luck with it. read -
A review of Double Damageby Howie428 on 05/06/2013Please see below my comments on your “DOUBLE DAMAGE” draft. Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments. I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you can see what I was... Please see below my comments on your “DOUBLE DAMAGE” draft.
Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments.
I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you can see what I was thinking.
Title – The title is good stuff. I’m going to say immediately that at 131 pages you’re pushing your luck. Most readers will hate you before they even start.
Pg 1 – “It begins with” - We can deduce this is the beginning without you needing to tell us.
“ROC, Human(20’s)” - I get that some non-humans will be in this, but I don’t think you need to tell us this.
I like that you’ve got conflict on the first page.
Pg 5 – The escalation of where he lost the wagon is fun stuff.
Pg 10 – The opening pages have some fun situations and get things moving along well. Given that I know this is on the long side I’d definitely suggest pruning the dialogue a fair bit.
Pg 11 – I’m guessing them finding this Bracer is the inciting incident.
Pg 15 – The stuff with the wagon is still good entertaining fun.
Pg 18 – I get that the thing with Oma is a fake out on the bad guys turning up in this. The problem is that it highlights the question of when the bad guys are going to turn up or when will the core story get going.
Pg 22 – It’s always good for the leads to be downtrodden.
Pg 28 – The mythology is decent stuff and I like that it is about to send them on a quest. However, this scene with Oma explaining all this is quite heavy so maybe you could find other ways to get some of this across, or thin it out.
Pg 30 – I like that they are setting off on a quest, but I’d suggest a clearer statement of what exactly they are going after and why.
Pg 33 – I like Gerid burning his bridges, but after Oma said bye to them I expected them to be on their way, so the scene feels like an unnecessary diversion.
Pg 34 – I think “VILLAGE ROAD” and “VILLAGE CROSSROADS” have confused me, because I thought they were still in the village.
Pg 35 – “Gerid and Roc drop their belongings and raise their hands.” - So they set out on a quest and they surrender to the first set of bandits they encounter? How could they ever have expected to succeed?
Pg 42 – I like that Flea has come along to join them. He’s a fun character and he has a distracting challenge that serves his own agenda, so that’s good stuff as well.
Pg 50 – Their camping sequence was effective although I’m not sure how much it had to do with the core story. Flea talked for a while and then they randomly encountered some skeletons.
Pg 52 – It’s a good twist that the pot has been taken already.
Pg 55 – I like that the challenge is on, but delaying it until midday now feels like a delay to the story.
Pg 60 – So they’ve run off without settling the challenge and they got a wagon out of it through luck?
Pg 62 – “DISSOLVE TO:” - Remove?
Pg 71 – I like the trick to get across the river. I wonder if they and you are relying on Flea a bit too much in this story. He’s the one with the tools, the mistakes, and the ideas, so perhaps the others are just along for the ride instead of driving it.
Pg 74 – “Humans on Lunar?” - I love how this implies we’re in the future. Very Planet of the Apes. Of course, it’s not a very visual way to reveal this, like say the Statue of Liberty sticking out of a beach!
Pg 75 – For me their arrival at Anar feels like it would make a decent midpoint and I could see 15+ pages being cut from what has happened so far.
Of course you’re now into the part where you suffer for this being on the long side. Having read this far it is weighing on my mind that I have another 55 pages to go!
Pg 82 – I like that they now have another level to their mission. Again, it’s heavily explained and it relies on Flea to take the lead.
Pg 97 – Their progress on their mission has gone fine. They are now back in safety and having another round of planning. At this point I guess I’d be expecting things to have become very bleak and perhaps for the momentum to be pushing the story toward a conclusion.
Pg 108 – These various gauntlets are fun and I see they are using their established skills.
Pg 114 – I see that Sinclair has taken on the bad guy role, which is fine. I’d suggest thinking about whether he could appear near the beginning and be in a more powerful position so that he poses a big threat.
Pg 116 – Elton turning up and saving the day is a bit deux et machina. Again, it makes me think that the heros need to be more active in this since this role should fall to them.
Pg 127 – This wrap up is going on a bit long and is feeling a bit aimless. They have an artifact and they are home, but what difference does that make?
Overall, this is a fun story with amusing characters and some strong scenes. It’s good that it has a quest to drive it, although at times it felt like they became a bit aimless. Also, I wonder if this isn’t quite funny enough to be a comedy, but also isn’t quite dark enough to be a drama.
The writing style is pretty solid and I enjoyed the world created and the mythology.
My main suggestion on this would be to strengthen up the core story so that it’s clearer in ojectives and obstacles. Specifically, a strong antagonist would help a lot. Also, for me this probably doesn’t need to be longer than 120 pages, so it could be cut down and focused.
Good luck with it. read -
A review of Gilead's Dispensationby Howie428 on 05/05/2013Ariadne, Please see below my comments on your “Gilead's Dispensation” draft. Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments. I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you... Ariadne,
Please see below my comments on your “Gilead's Dispensation” draft.
Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments.
I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you can see what I was thinking.
Title – The title is okay, but I wonder if there is a title that makes it a bit clearer what this is about. As it is it’s a bit abstract.
Pg 1 – “SUPER: "CLAIRVAUX MONASTERY, BURGUNDY, FRANCE, 1215 AD."” - This is fine, but often the super will come after a bit of description since otherwise we don’t know what it’s superimposed on to.
“Rays of sunlight beam through into an otherwise dim room.” - This being your first sentence I think it sets an unfortunate impression. It’s an overwritten sentence with redundant words in it.
This is a nit-pick, but how come the first text we see is in French, while the Abbot’s texts are in English?
The opening page conversation might be a bit expositiony, but I like the set up of a cool mystery.
Pg 2 – The backdrop to the narration is nice, but if I was wearing a Producer hat I’d ask if there was a more contained visual that could set the scene.
“SUPER: "DAY OF PENTECOST, BURGUNDY, 1118 AD."” - So the 1215 scene was a dude writing this story? That’s fine, but I hope it is more than a throwaway bookend.
Pg 3 – “ANDRE’S DREAM SEQUENCE” - I like the jousting intro, but I’ll admit that this latest cut disorients me somewhat.
Pg 8 – The scene with Joseph is cool. It might be that you could thin out some of the backstory to keep things moving along. A Flashback within a dream sequence might be a bit complicated.
Pg 10 – His dream is an interesting story element, but I’d suggest considering what the key thing we need to get from it is, and focusing the scene in on that.
Pg 11 – Helvis talks out her backstory a bit too freely.
Pg 14 – “I asked Mary to send me her most faithful angel.” - Him meeting her this way is a good pay-off.
“From above, the complex, chapel, and grounds are a peaceful setting. A statue of Our Lady graces the entrance. A MAN carrying a leather case walks past the statue into the open door and down a long corridor. MONK 2 steps out to greet him.” - This action block is an example of something you’ve done repeatedly. It is a single block that contains numerous shots. For me it could be simplified and broken out into perhaps three short action blocks. I realize you’re already at 120+ pages, but from what I’ve seen so far you’ll be able to tightened dialogue up quite considerably, so you should be able to stay at a reasonable length.
Pg 18 – “Ark of the Covenant” - You’ve already got plenty of mythology in this without adding more.
Pg 21 – We saw Andre’s vision, so we don’t need to hear about it for a third time.
“Ark was what Joseph referred to as the Grail” - I know this might be the way they actually interpreted it, but for the Joe Public movie audience “the Grail” is a cup and I doubt you’ll get them to see it any other way.
Pg 29 – It’s good that they are setting off on their journey at the end of act one. At this point I’d say the set-up has been dialogue heavy and perhaps could be more focused on a core story. Also, I’m not sure I saw a first act turn that propelled things along, and I’m not sure I’ve yet seen an obvious antagonist. So while you have good interesting material in hear, I’m wondering if the story could be a bit more developed.
Pg 37 – The second dream sequence feels like a story changing scene.
Pg 47 – Andre has become something of a saintly figure in this, which is fine. But for me the story is feeling a bit flat since he’s not really facing much opposition, and his good deeds come from miraculous powers that he seems to have little influence over.
Pg 50 – This page is a good example of what is slowing this story down for me. Their conversation digresses into a discussion of women in history that is fine, but doesn’t move this story forward.
Pg 51 – There is an action block here that’s nine lines long, and several hefty dialogue blocks. It makes the read unattractive and would likely become very slow on screen.
Pg 57 – The Helvis/Mary scene has some fun visual stuff in it, but its eight pages long. A four page version of the same thing would likely pack a lot more punch.
Pg 61 – I think this is Andre’s story, but we just went 12 pages without him being in it.
Pg 63 – After two years of digging someone asks Andre where to dig and he sees the answer. It feels too easy.
Pg 68 – At this point I’m feeling like the story has become very slow, and I’m not really sure what it is meant to be about. I think that’s because the visions keep on coming and they each take a big chunk of time, so that the story in the real world seems to not move along much. They arrived in Jerusalem on page 30 and started digging/hospital working and they are still doing the same thing.
Pg 85 – The inside the temple stuff is an intriguing set-piece. I also like the thematic stuff about marriage.
Pg 89 – A guy opens the ark in a movie and his face doesn’t melt! :)
Pg 93 – The romance side of this is okay, but it has a very predestined feel to it and has not really been challenged much by the story.
Pg 108 – This might sound weird, but you could consider doing a theatrical version of this. For me the dialogue feels closer to theatrical than to cinematic and the locations could be restricted.
Pg 110 – The twist on this page is spectacular, and of course massively controversial.
Pg 115 – After the impact of your twist you again go back to heavy dialogue explanation.
Overall, the story in this has solid potential and the themes explored are good stuff. Unfortunately, for me this version of it is focused enough and gets caught up in explanations and mythology rather than providing compelling momentum.
You’ve got a lot of different mythology elements in here. Many of them are interesting and could form the basis of a good story. Perhaps though, you have so many that the story gets a bit lost in all the explanations.
Good luck with it. read -
A review of SIRENS VENDETTA (V.2)by Howie428 on 12/10/2012Antoine, Please see below my comments on your “SIRENS VENDETTA” draft. Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments. I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you can see... Antoine,
Please see below my comments on your “SIRENS VENDETTA” draft.
Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments.
I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you can see what I was thinking.
Title – It a clean strong title.
Pg 1 – The first page has a good hook and gets things started well.
Pg 3 – The opening sequence has some good sharp action in it, sets up who the Sirens are, and what they do. It might be that it’s a bit easy for them, which takes some of the tension out of it.
Pg 4 – These short intro scenes run the risk of making it seem like the movie hasn’t really got started. The teaser might be a bit detached from what follows.
“Charlie ordered” - Name choice might be a bit close to Charlie’s Angels.
Pg 11 – This is moving along well. So far you’ve got a sequence of establishing scenes, elements of which might be a bit familiar. Hopefully the core story will begin to appear soon.
Pg 12 – This page intros another set of characters and I’ll admit I’m finding it hard to keep them all straight in my mind.
It feels odd that Garrett would explain why she needs Bastic killed. By telling them this she’s inviting them to go get the dirt.
Pg 13 – More cool ninja fighting types. I sense a video game spin-off!
Pg 15 – I didn’t see the movie “Sucker Punch”, but in my head this script is looking visually like it.
At this point even though the story has now begun, it is true to say that for our heroes it hasn’t. They are unaware and apparently unaffected by the bad guy plot.
Pg 17 – “A tattoo of a three-headed dragon is revealed on the back of the Cloaked Figure’s neck.” - I must be picturing this wrong, because I’m not sure how we’d see the back of the neck of a cloaked figure.
Pg 21 – The flashback here feels a bit obvious.
“Can you draw them for me?” - If she can draw them, then why wouldn’t she write words?
Pg 24 – As far as your main characters are concerned, this is the inciting incident.
Pg 30 – I’m surprised you have the assassin succeeding in killing Lindsay.
Pg 32 – I know that it doesn’t make sense to over describe action like this, but the danger of this generic car chase description is that it makes it feel like every other car chase we’ve seen.
Pg 33 – “Those bitches are dead.” - I like this. This confrontation feels like your first act turn.
Pg 36 – I like combining some family backstory with them getting chewed out.
Pg 41 – This is moving along well. They have a clear objective and they are making progress towards it. The scene in the Titty Bar is fun, but might be a bit cliché and could also be viewed as pushing this in an exploitative direction.
Pg 43 – The in the elevator assasination is really clever.
Pg 46 – It’s good that his threat ups the stakes for them.
Pg 47 – The decision they take on this page is pivotal and for me I don’t buy the reasoning behind it. Perhaps they should have known Lindsay themselves so that it’s personal to them.
Pg 49 – I’m not sure that I see why they are going to this much trouble over a gun.
Pg 51 – This last sequence felt a bit like a tangent to me. It might be okay but perhaps it needs more set up earlier in the script.
Pg 52 – Good conflict between them.
Pg 53 – This scene is feeling a bit “dark night of the soul”, which is fine although it’s not where I’d expect to see it.
Pg 55 – I get that Garrett is the lead bad guy here, but I wonder if her story is a bit distant from that of our protagonists. She hasn’t set in motion a plan that has an impact on the protagonists or poses a direct threat to them.
Pg 57 – This warning to James is probably something Producers would take out since it has animal cruelty and is peripheral to the core story.
Pg 58 – After their big falling out they get over it for no reason?
Pg 61 – They randomly run into Onyx and Blaze? For me this section of the story is a bit aimless and a bit contrived.
Pg 63 – “Ten million dollars?” - That sounds like too much to me as well.
Pg 64 – A ten million dollar hit is done just like that? For me you have to show how hard it is if you’re going to put a number like that on it.
Pg 67 - The deaths and action here are pretty cool. I’m not sure there is enough story behind them to have me concerned about the outcome.
Pg 68 - “Raven tosses the gun.” - Whenever I see this in a story my eyes roll.
Pg 77 - Marian’s dead now which adds to the impression I get that this is a bit meaningless. If all the people they are meant to be fighting for end up dead, then what they are fighting for can’t amount to very much.
Pg 79 - I like the surprise of this being Brian, but again I feel it’s something that is coming out of left field rather than being fully set up.
Pg 81 - Raven coming to the rescue is good. It’s a bit odd that it happens off screen.
Pg 88 - The fact that the politician’s son turns out to be another great fighter is another example of bending the story to fit with what you want to happen, rather than the story playing out naturally.
The bit where he gets back up feels like nonsense considering that she’s a trained killer.
Pg 90 - The finale has some good action in it, but it feels quite episodic as they take down their enemies one by one. I wonder if there is a way to get the events flowing in sequence so that the tension and pace can build.
Pg 95 - And the wrap up works well.
Overall, there’s a lot of great action in this. You got a number of cool fights and killings, and the vibe of the story is one that works well.
The concept is strong also in that the relationship between the sisters gives you plenty of non-action material to work with. Also they have clear opposition to battle so it’s usually pretty clear what their short turn problems are and why they need to fight.
The read is quick and the writing technique strong.
As you’ll have got from my other notes I had trouble with the overall flow of the story. The bad guys felt a bit confused and the sequence of events isn’t hanging together well.
Good luck with it. read -
A review of Dark Matterby Howie428 on 11/30/2012Please see below my comments on your “DARK MATTER” draft. Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments. I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you can see what I was... Please see below my comments on your “DARK MATTER” draft.
Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments.
I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you can see what I was thinking.
Title – Good sci-fi title.
Pg 1 – It’s an intriguing opening page.
Pg 2 – “57 HOURS” - It’s good to set a time limit.
Pg 5 – I liked the silent opening with his various activities. A classic sci-fi approach.
Pg 6 – “Detecting imm#i#nent danger”
“...” - ?
Pg 11 – I like the fact that you’ve got to the crisis this quickly and it’s a good twist to have him die. I’m guessing this will prove to be the inciting incident of whatever the rest of the story will be.
Pg 13 – The passage of time sequence is really well handled.
Pg 16 – I don’t know what we’re doing here, perhaps a flashback through his major memories as he’s reconstructed, but it’s pretty cool stuff.
This page has heavy text blocks on it, and in a text heavy script you might be risking putting readers off.
Pg 25 – I like the intense action scene. At this point I’m still going along for the ride on this, but I’m beginning to feel a bit impatient for a sense of where this is going to be heading and what this is all about.
Pg 32 – I’m beginning to find this hard going. This is another very text heavy page and I still don’t have a sense of what I’m supposed to be getting from this story.
Pg 35 – He just heard a guy died in part because of him and his response is to wise crack and kiss somebody?
Pg 40 – There’s good drama in this, but I guess a problem with going back in time in a story is that we know where he ends up and we know that him and Alice end up together, so what’s at stake here? Why does any of this matter?
Pg 43 – I like that he is being asked to give her up to pursue his ambition.
“Alice waits impacientely” - Sp
Pg 46 – “She leaves.” - I get that you’re showing them drifting apart, but there’s a danger that it plays as mundane and it muddies the water of his eventual decision to abandon her.
Pg 50 – Them splitting up is a good tragic note.
I’m surprised that he’s now on the ship before the halfway mark. Makes me wonder if another separate story is about to play out.
Also, I’m not sure I’m yet seeing what the overall point of all this is. We still know where he ends up, so what is at stake?
Pg 51 – “No need to remind me of what I already know.” - Your character is calling out your exposition!
Not only is he on the ship, but you’ve also skipped over the outbreak of the crisis. Again that leaves me wondering what you have in mind for the 60+ pages that remain.
Pg 54 – The skipping and flashbacking of this might make it hard to follow.
Pg 61 – This is all good stuff, but I can’t get around the thought that I know how this all ends and I don’t have a sense of what the goals and stakes are for the story.
Pg 71 – Now he has reached the run in to what we saw at the beginning.
Pg 81 – The confrontation with Raider works okay. I’m not sure how well it fits with the rest of the movie, since this hasn’t been a monster movie up to this stage.
Pg 86 – Sci-fi elements keep on coming in this script. I like the creativity of it, but it feels like more ingredients than one story can handle.
Pg 93 – Ohh, so Henry has been recreated by the duplicate ship building alien. I like it.
Pg 98 – The intrigue of this works well, although it’s quite a complicated situation so I’m guessing I’ve missed comprehending much of the detail.
Pg 107 – The battle to survive gives this a solid finale.
Pg 115 – I like that Alice is back at the end, although I think I’d have preferred to see them back together after 400 million years apart. The actual ending is visually interesting, but I’m not sure I see why it is the ending.
Overall, you’ve got some fantastically imaginative stuff in this. The details of the future and the obstacles encountered are great.
The opening sequence is very strong. The final act doesn’t work as well but I can see how it provides a good payoff from the opening.
The central parts of this story feel largely aimless and for me it is in this bridge between the sections that you could see if you can strengthen the story.
Good luck with it. read -
A review of Little Burgundyby Howie428 on 08/14/2012Please see below my comments on your “LITTLE BURGUNDY” draft. Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments. I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you can see what I... Please see below my comments on your “LITTLE BURGUNDY” draft.
Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments.
I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you can see what I was thinking.
Title – I like the title, although it does have a nebulus sense about it for me, in that I can’t say what I expect it to be.
Pg 1 – The opening page gets this going well. It might be that the descriptions of the highway etc could be thinned out.
Pg 6 – These opening scenes work well in setting up the location and Junior’s situation.
Pg 7 – “pe#d#als up”
Is this a “Save the Squirrel” moment? :)
Pg 9 – “ROBINS
chirp.” - I understand these mini-slugs, but I’m not sure if they are more distracting than helpful.
Pg 15 – This is feeling like an ensemble story.
Why is Junior in jail?
Pg 16 – “Without giving Junior any space to escape, Danny crushes Junior into the bars. Junior tries to knee his way out but Danny pounces and pulverizes Junior to the floor. He wildly kicks Junior, blow after blow as his army boot slips past Junior's thigh and nails Junior right in the balls. Junior writhes in pain.” - Break this up into separate paragraphs?
Pg 17 – The phonetic dialogue works okay. However, I have heard it said that readers can get tired of it because it’s harder work to read.
Pg 22 – “JUNIOR
Won-itta, but just call her One. That's
her tag.” - JAZZ?
Pg 25 – Good dramatic scene. At this point I’ll admit I’m beginning to get impatient for a sense of what the wider story will be about. It seemed like it would be about Junior getting away from dealing, but with him in jail it seems like it’s not that.
Pg 26 – I like the transitions in this.
Pg 38 – “Ask her” - Before this you have a sequence of quite long dialogue blocks, which makes me wonder if the scene would feel slow.
Pg 47 – The scenes are still okay, although they often take the same form of two people having tense conversation. I’ll admit though, that I’m losing track of the story in this.
Pg 62 – Tense scene with the spider. I’ve got some sense of what’s happening with Junior, but I’m struggling to follow the other story threads. It might be because I’m tired, but it also makes me wonder if this could be more focused.
Pg 66 – I like the relationship between these two.
Pg 73 – “Junior is puzzled.” - I am a bit as well.
Pg 83 – I get that this is an ensemble, but for me it feels like we spend too much time with the minor characters and that’s getting in the way of the main storyline.
Pg 88 – “BLUISHNESS.” - I like some of these visual aspects.
Pg 96 – It’s good that you’ve got them into a big confrontation.
Pg 101 – I like the drama of the final scene, but I’ll admit I’m not sure what was achieved by it in terms of furthering the plot.
Pg 106 – The wrap up is okay, but I’m not sure about having the Captain explain stuff to them at the end.
Overall, you’ve got a strong sense of the setting and the world for your characters to live in. You’ve developed a complex ensemble story that has quite a few things going on in it.
For me, I found it a bit awkward to follow and at times I was wishing for a cleaner narrative that focused in on the main characters.
Good luck with it. read -
A review of Infernalby Howie428 on 08/14/2012Please see below my comments on your “INFERNAL” draft. Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments. I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you can see what I was thinking... Please see below my comments on your “INFERNAL” draft.
Note that in my comments I’m more likely to note things that are troubling me than I am to point out the things I like. Please take or leave any of my comments.
I review scripts by putting down notes as I go through. Some of my notes turn out to be wrong, but I usually leave them in so that you can see what I was thinking.
Title – The title works fine in a cool abstract way.
Pg 1 – No “FADE IN:”?
“There’s no sign of civilization here, and it’s plain to see why. Nobody would ever want to live in a place like this.” - I like the idea of opening in this dark foreboding place. However, for me it would work better if you described it and let us decide what we think instead of giving us your opinion.
“But still...we get the point.” - Again, I can get a point without you having to tell me that I do.
The first page works well. There’s immediate conflict and I’m intrigued by the location and situation.
Pg 3 – The teaser works fine with the bad guys being effective. It spends quite some time with Peetin for him to just die, and it seems to amount to us getting a chance to take a look at the bad guys, while the plot doesn’t progress much.
Pg 9 – Things are moving along fine. I’m beginning to get impatient for a sense of who is going to be the lead in this story.
Pg 11 – I get that Pappy has set up the character arcs and themes over the last few pages. But it seems like it’s going to be Castor that has to live the coming of age story, so I’m finding it odd that we are not seeing this from his point of view.
Pg 15 – I like that Castor fails, although it’s a bit strange that he’s expected to be able to “do something” with a pair of pliers.
“We pick up right where we left off.” - Using “we” in a screenplay like this is usually not a good idea. Also, it feels odd to go back to this scene without any time having elapsed.
Pg 18 – I like that he has got the cash register without us needing to see him get it. It keeps the story moving along.
Pg 19 – The whole town gets destroyed? That, I wasn’t expecting.
Pg 20 – “It’s too early for barbecue.” - Okay, he’s a cool dude, but saying this sort of thing in the face of such a disaster feels comedically inappropriate.
Pg 21 – Castor survived by random luck? At least let him hide in a fridge!
Pg 24 – The old “Is he the chosen one?” thing. Works every time.
The destruction thing makes for a brave story choice, but it also makes it hard to go on from here since you effectively have a new start. Structurally many stories where this happens do it after the first few minutes.
Pg 27 – He lucks out of this duel having demonstrated no redeeming qualities. He hasn’t done anything to deserve being on the boat. I’m not seeing why an audience would have any support for Castor, since all he has done so far is be a wet blanket.
Also, I’ve noticed that throughout this story every other character who appears takes over the scenes when Castor is around. For the last few pages Quay has been the protag.
Pg 29 – Powers are just going to come to him? He doesn’t have to earn them?
Pg 31 – “Do ya think she might be stowin’ that raggedy North Harbor boy on the ship?” - I hadn’t realized that Castor was allowed to be there.
Pg 32 – The scene that ends on this page is straight exposition.
Pg 33 – Two previously unseen crewmen chew the fat until they see the enemy. You should consider finding ways to have Castor be involved in all these scenes.
Pg 44 – I like the ups and downs of their progress. This has now turned quite graphic.
Pg 56 – “Don’t blame yerself fer that.” - He just told him he destroyed his ship and the soldiers who were going to battle past the ten thousand men, and his response is to say it doesn’t matter?
At this point I’ve seen a lot of exciting, well-written set pieces, but I’m feeling like the character story, especially Castor’s story, is letting this all down. He needs to be active, taking decisions, learning hard lessons, at the center of what’s happening. As it is he’s along for the ride and benefiting from random good fortune.
Pg 64 – This flashback feels weak to me. It’s the kind of flashback that stops the story to fill us in on backstory that we don’t really need to know.
Pg 68 – Why not have Castor jump in the water to get Tereza? He’s the fire boy, so he can survive. This is an example of what I mean by making him be active.
Pg 69 – They nearly die to avoid being seen and their reward for that is to get seen on the next page.
Pg 79 – So he’s come this far and not learnt anything yet.
Pg 83 – Castor has lucked into something else.
“It’s a trap!” - It’s the bad guys’ house, how can it not be a trap?
Pg 86 – I like the idea of them ending up fighting themselves.
I’m not sure I’m a fan of the time jump back and forward cuts.
Pg 88 – They must have destroyed hundreds of the enemy by now, which is good action, but raises the question of whether the enemies are a bit weak.
Pg 89 – The mute who talks is well worn ground.
“A leader was just born.” - I like the character change, but I’d suggest that it needs to happen over the course of the story instead of as a convenient bolt of lightning right near the end.
Pg 93 – “this guy is a badass” - You telling us this doesn’t help much in helping us picture why it is true.
Pg 98 – Their rebuilding seems a bit odd since it seems to depend on a lot of people having survived even though we were told they didn’t.
Overall, you got a lot of massive set pieces and good intense action. The story keeps moving along and their problems keep changing so that covers a lot of what’s needed for this genre.
However, I really didn’t like the story of Castor himself. I’d suggest changing him completely. He needs to be leading the story and to be changed by it as he goes along.
Another issue you could look at is the virtual absence of the bad guys from most of this. They are in this only when you need them to be and they don’t seem to have much menace to them.
Good luck with it. read
Comments About Howie428 34
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D J Sheridan on 05/28/2013
Hi,
Thanks for your comments and review on Angels.
I'm currently in a rewrite mode on it so hopefully will iron out the kinks and get it uploaded again.
On Title page "D J Sheridan" is my pen-name. My real name is on the contact place bottom left.
Again thanks for your time on reviewing and giving me some food for thought.
Dave -
Nolly on 05/25/2013
Hello... Have read the Banshee and will be writing a review tomorrow (Sunday) - it won't let me do one tonight... Neil -
stillexist on 05/24/2013
Hey man, your recent submission has some striking similarities to a screenplay I just uploaded. Wondering if you'd want to do a mutual review exchange. That's cool if not, just thought I'd ask. -
ahgreen on 05/08/2013
Thank you for your review of Gilead's Dispensation. You gave me a great deal to think about with regards to my somewhat out of the box screenplay. God bless you, Ariadne -
Campo on 05/08/2013
Thank you for you comments and suggestions about "Karoly's Promise." You are perceptive, and your ideas will help me a lot. Thank you. Campo -
webber49 on 05/06/2013
Thanks for the review of Double Damage, have a nice day! -
JSANHUEZA on 11/30/2012
Hey Howie,
thanks so much for the in-depth review of Dark Matter! Very good details on the play by play of how it read!
Best,
Jon -
QuinnShephard on 11/27/2012
Thank you for your detailed notes on 'BLAME'!!
Your comments are spot-on and super helpful up until page 98, when you mention that you don't understand what's going on--I think I lost you, and I feel compelled to explain the climax and resolution to clarify my ending.
You mention two things for page 117 of the script: "I’m puzzled that Jeremy has not been arrested and questioned?" and "I’m not getting what Abigail is doing or what I’m supposed to get from it." I'll explain these as best I could. It would be super helpful if you responded telling me what you got and what wasn't clear, so I could adjust my script and make it more clear to the audience what is clear to me as a writer.
Jeremy isn't arrested because during Melissa's confession she has a nervous breakdown and reveals that her stepfather (Robert, NOT JEREMY, has been the one sexually abusing her. Her account of the rape is TRUE, and as she gets more and more upset she begins to drop in clear inconcistincies that show it is no longer about Jeremy--for instance, saying 'bedroom' instead of 'auditorium', mentioning that she thought it's be better than 'getting yelled at all the time'--showing the police/guidance counselor as well as us that Jeremy is not the one she's blaming anymore. The hint becomes a fact when Robert advances towards her and she screams "DON'T TOUCH ME" and curls up, hiding her face from him. The police take Robert into the hall, the counselor consoles Melissa...and later in the week, when Melissa comes back to school, her reputation is changed drastically. We overhear students talking about the police arresting her stepfather, show Sophie awkwardly trying to apologize to Melissa for not knowing (but really being more concerned with being in the center of all this negative attention), and show Melissa's nerves at having her only intact world collapsing--her life at school.
WHICH brings me to your second question/comment--why is Abigail performing a monologue from "Romeo & Juliet" out of nowhere? She is doing this to distract the negative attention away from Melissa. It is implied that when Abigail is at Jeremy's house, Jeremy gets a phone call from the school and afterward explains to Abigail the tragedy that Melissa has really been through. It also gets out to the school -- because in high school everyone knows everything, especially when police are involved -- and Abigail comes to realize how small her problems really are when compared with Melissa's trauma. This is why, even though Melissa has been nothing but vicious to her, decides to help her out instead of continuing the trend of selfish decisions established in the script thus far. Abby realizes that the school already thinks she's crazy, and she already has no friends, so it's also empowering to herself as a way to kind of say "screw you!" to the school -- not caring if they laugh, yell whatever -- and "screw you" to the whole victim thing. By helping Melissa out, she reverses the role of victim and villain for herself, but lets Melissa maintain her reputation within the school by APPEARING to be in control once again. Hence, we have come full circle, seemingly back to the beginning again -- except everyone has grown a little, especially Abigail and Ellie. When Ellie joins Abby by coming back with Romeo's line, she's also made up her mind that she's not going to let a bunch of petty, judgemental girls rule her anymore -- instead, she's going to try for a friendship with the person who has fascinated her throughout the entire script for having the courage to be different, Abigail. When Ellie helps her out, Abby realizes the potential of a healthy friendship with her -- and then when Jeremy finds her cross in his car at the end (on his last day, as shown with the boxes he's carrying out and the little wave-smile exchange with Abigail on the steps), he turns to call out to her -- but she's walking off with Ellie, moved on, already gone.
This is what I INTENDED to come across. I understand if it was unclear. It will help me greatly if you respond with what was and wasn't clear to you when you read the script.
Thank you so much for your time and for all the positive notes you gave me, as well as the critiques that were very helpful!
Best
Quinn -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 07/29/2012
Hey, thanks for the review and thanks for writing your thoughts down. I’m glad is was FUNNY and GOOD for you!!!
Thanks again!!! -
Kristy Sumner on 07/27/2012
Thank you for taking the time to review THE DEGENERATE. Good luck with your own projects.
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Comments About Howie428 34
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Quote
Hi,
-
Quote
Hello... Have read the Banshee and will be writing a review tomorrow (Sunday) - it won't let me do one tonight... Neil
-
Quote
Hey man, your recent submission has some striking similarities to a screenplay I just uploaded. Wondering if you'd want to do a mutual review exchange. That's cool if not, just thought I'd ask.
+ more commentsD J Sheridan on 05/28/2013
Thanks for your comments and review on Angels.
I'm currently in a rewrite mode on it so hopefully will iron out the kinks and get it uploaded again.
On Title page "D J Sheridan" is my pen-name. My real name is on the contact place bottom left.
Again thanks for your time on reviewing and giving me some food for thought.
Dave
Nolly on 05/25/2013
stillexist on 05/24/2013