a screenplay
by Jnasty1979
Story of the legendary mountain man, John Colter.
Jnasty1979
member since 12/12/2011 |
last login 04/10/2012
I've been writing screenplays for ten years. Have completed four. I live here in vegas, am currently looking into raising the funds for my latest script called Grounded which I hope to direct. In my spare time I enjoy playing basketball and...
Bio
I've been writing screenplays for ten years. Have completed four. I live here in vegas, am currently looking into raising the funds for my latest script called Grounded which I hope to direct. In my spare time I enjoy playing basketball and poker.
Submissions by Jnasty1979
Reviews by Jnasty1979 12
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A review of Road To Williamsportby Jnasty1979 on 03/04/2012I really love the subject you chose. There is something very interesting about the Little League World Series, which I myself enjoy. You also have screenplay format down to a science, really very few typos, so it is evident that you have spent alot of time on this, so kudos for that. The problems really arise when it comes to the conflict in the story. Especially a sports... I really love the subject you chose. There is something very interesting about the Little League World Series, which I myself enjoy. You also have screenplay format down to a science, really very few typos, so it is evident that you have spent alot of time on this, so kudos for that. The problems really arise when it comes to the conflict in the story. Especially a sports story. Each scene has to be full of conflict, each one more evident than the previous. If there's one thing this story lacks from beginning to end, it's conflict. Everything is just WAY too easy for these little underdogs. We have to feel their struggle. The only true conflict they endure is the death of their coach and that doesn't come til about page 100. Even the money issues, they're really just talked about as a conflict, easily resolved with the school funding their trip. Why not have a car wash? Some kind of fundraiser at the beginning, to be able to even go to the first game? Then the money could be a continuing issue as they keep winning, with them having to look at other means of raising it. Then, maybe, at the last second, the principal could come and save the day. Something like that. Also, everything is transparent, meaning you can see it all happening from a mile away. The relationship between Kyle's mom and James, them winning the world series. Only thing that caught me remotely off guard was having Coach die, but even that, with him being as old as he is wasn't really that big of mind blow. Also, some of your dialogue seems too on the nose. Your exposition has to be done in a more subtle manner. You just kind of "throw it up" all over us, like the conversations between James and Kyle's mom. Also, really not enough comedy in my opinion to consider this a comedy. If you add that car wash scene, that would also lead to some comedic opportunities, which I feel are few and far between. All in all though, your screenplay was very well written, just needs some work on the story and dialogue.
j read -
A review of Dreams of Summerby Jnasty1979 on 03/02/2012First off, love the subject matter. I myself am not a huge baseball fan. I have followed it over the years, especially if my Tigers are doing well, but overall just a basketball and football guy. Anyway, I still love sports movies. This particular matter hasn't really translated to the movie screen yet. You do a good job with the dialogue, alot of the scenes feel real... First off, love the subject matter. I myself am not a huge baseball fan. I have followed it over the years, especially if my Tigers are doing well, but overall just a basketball and football guy. Anyway, I still love sports movies. This particular matter hasn't really translated to the movie screen yet. You do a good job with the dialogue, alot of the scenes feel real. Especially the ones between Tucker and Malik. I like how you show us part of the world series, but then go forward before showing us the results of that series at the end. Well done. I also liked the backstory of Tucker's father. The relationship between him and his gf was also well done. You didn't make a fairy tale story out of it, so it seemed more real that way. His two friends, I his old baseball friend and the football player he met. I felt like they were the same character. Maybe look at combining those two. Also, some of your descriptions you get too cute with. Don't talk to your reader, just describe what we would be seeing if it was on screen. Also, you use some slang that the average reader might not understand. Punch out, hit on a rope, dinger, etc, etc. I myself wrote a basketball script years ago and made the same mistake. Just because you know the meaning, and it seems second nature, to the average person it will confuse. I understood everything, but someone who doesn't watch baseball wouldn't. Overall though, good story. Well done. I think with some cleaning up you can get this thing to where it needs to be. Good luck.
jeremiah read -
A review of False I.D.by Jnasty1979 on 03/01/2012I can definitely see why your script has gotten good reviews so far. Great concept with the Chernobyl back story. I thought it was clever the way the code was broken up, and Grant ended up with half of it. One of the other more clever devices you used was the janitor with the Rolex watch and how that played out with Marta killing him. Grant's reaction, then finding out... I can definitely see why your script has gotten good reviews so far. Great concept with the Chernobyl back story. I thought it was clever the way the code was broken up, and Grant ended up with half of it. One of the other more clever devices you used was the janitor with the Rolex watch and how that played out with Marta killing him. Grant's reaction, then finding out he was really a "bad" guy. I don't know why, but this seemed to be my favorite sequence. Dialogue was sharp. Sometimes your exposition felt like exposition, but other than that, good job on dialogue. It definitely took an unexpected turn. It felt like Bourne Identity, then it turned into a bit of the Crying Game, lol. As far as any critique's, I always feel a script that goes near 120 pages has some room for "trimming", which I do feel yours could use. Get this bad boy down to 105-110. Also, sometimes in the description it feels like you are talking to us instead of describing what we would be seeing on the screen. An example is when you write the question "Is it love". I would take these type of things out of the description. Also for me, being a straight guy, ecspecially Grant being such a bad ass straight guy, I'm not sure I buy the whole "I'm going gay all of a sudden" angle. I know that it was really Marta(a woman), but he didn't know that. It's highly unlikely that Grant would start to have feelings for someone he thought to be a guy, but hey, that's just me. Overall though, great job. You have a real talent. hope this helped in a way. Good luck with this and future scripts.
j read
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Submissions by Jnasty1979
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a screenplay by Jnasty1979Story of the legendary mountain man, John Colter.
Reviews by Jnasty1979 12
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A review of Road To Williamsportby Jnasty1979 on 03/04/2012I really love the subject you chose. There is something very interesting about the Little League World Series, which I myself enjoy. You also have screenplay format down to a science, really very few typos, so it is evident that you have spent alot of time on this, so kudos for that. The problems really arise when it comes to the conflict in the story. Especially a sports... I really love the subject you chose. There is something very interesting about the Little League World Series, which I myself enjoy. You also have screenplay format down to a science, really very few typos, so it is evident that you have spent alot of time on this, so kudos for that. The problems really arise when it comes to the conflict in the story. Especially a sports story. Each scene has to be full of conflict, each one more evident than the previous. If there's one thing this story lacks from beginning to end, it's conflict. Everything is just WAY too easy for these little underdogs. We have to feel their struggle. The only true conflict they endure is the death of their coach and that doesn't come til about page 100. Even the money issues, they're really just talked about as a conflict, easily resolved with the school funding their trip. Why not have a car wash? Some kind of fundraiser at the beginning, to be able to even go to the first game? Then the money could be a continuing issue as they keep winning, with them having to look at other means of raising it. Then, maybe, at the last second, the principal could come and save the day. Something like that. Also, everything is transparent, meaning you can see it all happening from a mile away. The relationship between Kyle's mom and James, them winning the world series. Only thing that caught me remotely off guard was having Coach die, but even that, with him being as old as he is wasn't really that big of mind blow. Also, some of your dialogue seems too on the nose. Your exposition has to be done in a more subtle manner. You just kind of "throw it up" all over us, like the conversations between James and Kyle's mom. Also, really not enough comedy in my opinion to consider this a comedy. If you add that car wash scene, that would also lead to some comedic opportunities, which I feel are few and far between. All in all though, your screenplay was very well written, just needs some work on the story and dialogue.
j read -
A review of Dreams of Summerby Jnasty1979 on 03/02/2012First off, love the subject matter. I myself am not a huge baseball fan. I have followed it over the years, especially if my Tigers are doing well, but overall just a basketball and football guy. Anyway, I still love sports movies. This particular matter hasn't really translated to the movie screen yet. You do a good job with the dialogue, alot of the scenes feel real... First off, love the subject matter. I myself am not a huge baseball fan. I have followed it over the years, especially if my Tigers are doing well, but overall just a basketball and football guy. Anyway, I still love sports movies. This particular matter hasn't really translated to the movie screen yet. You do a good job with the dialogue, alot of the scenes feel real. Especially the ones between Tucker and Malik. I like how you show us part of the world series, but then go forward before showing us the results of that series at the end. Well done. I also liked the backstory of Tucker's father. The relationship between him and his gf was also well done. You didn't make a fairy tale story out of it, so it seemed more real that way. His two friends, I his old baseball friend and the football player he met. I felt like they were the same character. Maybe look at combining those two. Also, some of your descriptions you get too cute with. Don't talk to your reader, just describe what we would be seeing if it was on screen. Also, you use some slang that the average reader might not understand. Punch out, hit on a rope, dinger, etc, etc. I myself wrote a basketball script years ago and made the same mistake. Just because you know the meaning, and it seems second nature, to the average person it will confuse. I understood everything, but someone who doesn't watch baseball wouldn't. Overall though, good story. Well done. I think with some cleaning up you can get this thing to where it needs to be. Good luck.
jeremiah read -
A review of False I.D.by Jnasty1979 on 03/01/2012I can definitely see why your script has gotten good reviews so far. Great concept with the Chernobyl back story. I thought it was clever the way the code was broken up, and Grant ended up with half of it. One of the other more clever devices you used was the janitor with the Rolex watch and how that played out with Marta killing him. Grant's reaction, then finding out... I can definitely see why your script has gotten good reviews so far. Great concept with the Chernobyl back story. I thought it was clever the way the code was broken up, and Grant ended up with half of it. One of the other more clever devices you used was the janitor with the Rolex watch and how that played out with Marta killing him. Grant's reaction, then finding out he was really a "bad" guy. I don't know why, but this seemed to be my favorite sequence. Dialogue was sharp. Sometimes your exposition felt like exposition, but other than that, good job on dialogue. It definitely took an unexpected turn. It felt like Bourne Identity, then it turned into a bit of the Crying Game, lol. As far as any critique's, I always feel a script that goes near 120 pages has some room for "trimming", which I do feel yours could use. Get this bad boy down to 105-110. Also, sometimes in the description it feels like you are talking to us instead of describing what we would be seeing on the screen. An example is when you write the question "Is it love". I would take these type of things out of the description. Also for me, being a straight guy, ecspecially Grant being such a bad ass straight guy, I'm not sure I buy the whole "I'm going gay all of a sudden" angle. I know that it was really Marta(a woman), but he didn't know that. It's highly unlikely that Grant would start to have feelings for someone he thought to be a guy, but hey, that's just me. Overall though, great job. You have a real talent. hope this helped in a way. Good luck with this and future scripts.
j read -
A review of Guardians Chapter I: The Braveby Jnasty1979 on 02/07/2012First off. I'm not a huge fan of superhero movies. Enjoyed the last X-men, Iron man is ok, but could take or leave the rest. With that said, you had me engaged from the beginning. You did a masterful job at creating a new world of the future. You're characters were unique, most flawed which added a realism to these "Super" heroes. I love the dynamic between Jack and Ryan... First off. I'm not a huge fan of superhero movies. Enjoyed the last X-men, Iron man is ok, but could take or leave the rest. With that said, you had me engaged from the beginning. You did a masterful job at creating a new world of the future. You're characters were unique, most flawed which added a realism to these "Super" heroes. I love the dynamic between Jack and Ryan. I would've liked to see you bring them to this training ground a little earlier in the script, but those particular scenes were definitely my favorite. Another recommendation is some of your dialogue is too on the nose. Exposition is very difficult to reveal naturally, but that's what makes a great screenwriter. The dialogue that Jack and Ryan have about their parents, and the reason they want to be Gaurdians seemed a little forced. I would look specifically at those exposition scenes and make them come out organically. Also, I personally would not title it Chapter 1: The Brave. I would just call it The Guardians, and maybe at the end of the script(which clearly sets up for a sequel), that you have a sequel in the works or completed, but not that this is the first of a series. Otherwise, I thought you did a fantastic job with a complicated script. I didn't plan on liking this script, but I had no choice but to enjoy myself every step of the way. Good luck. Hope you get this thing off the ground. read
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A review of The New American Dreamby Jnasty1979 on 02/03/2012I can only respect someone who clearly put so much time into his/her screenplay as you clearly have. There were very few typos or grammar mistakes, so kudos for that. The problem for me is that there wasn't much of a movie here. Just a lot of talking between characters. A good idea for a website, a screenwriters dream mixed in. He jumps from different girl to different... I can only respect someone who clearly put so much time into his/her screenplay as you clearly have. There were very few typos or grammar mistakes, so kudos for that. The problem for me is that there wasn't much of a movie here. Just a lot of talking between characters. A good idea for a website, a screenwriters dream mixed in. He jumps from different girl to different girl before finally settling on Meagan without much conflict I might say. The dialogue goes on way too long. Within the first three pages Blake literally has nothing but dialogue for two of those whether it be in V.O or regular speech. This thing could be dramatically cut down, there really is no reason that a story like this should go 125+ pages. That's over two hours for a film. I think the first thing you need to do is cut the dialogue way down, add a lot more conflict, and at that point you may be able to get this thing into a resemblance of a watchable movie. I always ask myself, "would I pay $10 to see this at a movie theatre?" and unfortunately the answer for THE NEW AMERICAN DREAM is a no. read
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A review of Looking for a Man with a Corvette (LR)by Jnasty1979 on 02/01/2012First off, I wanna say this is not my favorite genre, a romantic musical, but that's not your fault, and I tried to keep an open mind, concentrating more on the actual story itself. The relationship between Lent and Thea is unveiled in a methodical manner, Thea taking the gameplan from that mysterious "little pink book". I like the concept of a Young Black girl starting a... First off, I wanna say this is not my favorite genre, a romantic musical, but that's not your fault, and I tried to keep an open mind, concentrating more on the actual story itself. The relationship between Lent and Thea is unveiled in a methodical manner, Thea taking the gameplan from that mysterious "little pink book". I like the concept of a Young Black girl starting a relationship with a cowboy. Very unique dynamic there. The dialogue and banter between the two of them seemed very authentic. I'll admit, the flashbacks throughout the film kind of take away from the experience for me. I really didn't understand the correlation at the time and when you tie it all together, it just didn't feel worth, for me anyway. I understand the big plot twist, with Lent's grandmother being black, but this could've been accomplished without the flashbacks, again, imo. The mysterious "pink nails" was also intriguing. With you not showing her face until the very end, which would obviously be a bigger payoff on the screen. Overall, again, not my favorite genre, but you did a good job of creating a very unique love story, that in the end I bought hook, line, and sinker. I hope some of my comments are helpful, good job overall and good luck.
j read -
A review of Detroitby Jnasty1979 on 01/31/2012I love the genre. I'm originally from Detroit so the title intrigued me. From the start, the friendship between Joe and Billy has tons of potential that unfortunately was not met. We really don't feel that real connection between the two which would've made the later events more powerful. The whole thing read more like a stage play to be honest with you. Not a whole lot... I love the genre. I'm originally from Detroit so the title intrigued me. From the start, the friendship between Joe and Billy has tons of potential that unfortunately was not met. We really don't feel that real connection between the two which would've made the later events more powerful. The whole thing read more like a stage play to be honest with you. Not a whole lot of on screen action going on. Just dialogue from a number of different characters. The first thing I would try to do is cut down the number of characters. Combine a few minor characters, decide who you REALLY need to tell the story. The second thing, the dialogue sometime runs WAY too long. And usually the characters aren't saying a whole lot. For example, around page 45 Billy has a conversation telling Joe how he's number one, and he literally tells him that like ten times. You're script goes 118 pages and could easily cut to 95-100, just by cutting down the dialogue alone. Go through each piece of dialogue, say it out loud, and ask yourself if you really need to tell us that. The dynamics of the characters was nice. I would've like to see Joe take a little more to forgive Billy, he just kind of gives in after the numerous flashback scenes. Make it more about Billy and Joe, get to the heart of their childhood friendship and the betrayal that Joe feels after being incarcarated. Good job though, I think the foundation is there.
Good Luck, I hope my review helps. read -
A review of Final Farewellsby Jnasty1979 on 12/16/2011Pg 1. Too much description in the opening few paragraphs. Talking about the picture, the brown and grays, then you go onto talk about the guy being younger than he looks. We wouldn’t know he’s younger than he looks watching him, and that’s all you descriptions should be, what the audience sees. Pg 2. Nice dialogue. You are redeeming yourself and more with the quick, concise... Pg 1. Too much description in the opening few paragraphs. Talking about the picture, the brown and grays, then you go onto talk about the guy being younger than he looks. We wouldn’t know he’s younger than he looks watching him, and that’s all you descriptions should be, what the audience sees.
Pg 2. Nice dialogue. You are redeeming yourself and more with the quick, concise dialogue. Seems authentic. Good job.
Pg 7. Your descriptions have leaned up. Thought it might be a reoccurring problem, but not. And also on-line should just be online. And shot gun should be shotgun.
Pg 10 Good first ten pages. Nice action with the robbery, although I’m not 100% on why the robber went outside and then came back with the shotgun. Wouldn’t he just have brought it in to begin with?
Pg 11. I like how you danced around why the money was needed, but then you came out with the line “I can’t let you die like this”. I would’ve like you to take it a step further. We see the brother is sick, we assume it’s serious. The fact that he’s trying to save up for something is made clear. I would prefer you say something like “You’re my brother. I’m not gonna let you go out like that”, or something a little less obvious. The audience isn’t stupid…for the most part.
Pg 16. I don’t know. Just doesn’t seem to fit. I understand that he needs the money for his brother, but a contract killer? It seems like the idea should be brought up to him, or forced on him. Maybe a local crime boss sees him on tv, figures he would make a good contract killer, something along those lines. Just don’t think it’s in his character to all of a sudden say, “Hey, I should kill people for money”
Pg 23. I like the Anubius character. Completely different from Al and Bobby. Had some funny lines.
Pg 30. Unbe-fucking-believable??
Pg 35. If he was about to kill a man, and the whole purpose is to save his brother, he would DEMAND to know how much he’s being compensated.
Pg 41. Authentic dialogue. Not sure they would’ve used the word boner though. Everything else was legit.
Pg 42. I chuckled when he asked smooth, “So your gonna give an entire speech as your
keyword?” Funny
Pg 43. His cocky, sarcastic aura is constantly evident and annoying. – I would take that out. Don’t tell us what’s going to happen, show us.
Pg 46. Downey wouldn’t say “Wow. That’s a little harsh” He would say something like “Damn, that’s fucked up.”
Pg 48. Nice twist having the briefcase bomb. Didn’t see it coming.
Pg 52. Another good twist having Anubis double back for him. Good to keep your audience off balance.
Pg 53. Take out the second, “I’m so sorry.” This guy was trying to kill him, Al has already killed somebody in self defense. One apology is sufficient.
Pg 56. He just killed these guys, would he really not steal their car?
Pg 65. Conversation between Streeter is good. Just doesn’t seem like the personality
of a well known hitman. Plus he would have to be smart to get away with it, which he is clearly not.
Pg 68. Setting up nicely with Streeter closing in. Makes him less intimidating the way he acts though.
Pg 70. No. Not another dream sequence. You would be much better off cutting those down. Especially this latest one.
Pg 81. Hit a lull here. No sign of Streeter and yet another dream sequence.
Pg 90. Good bit of action leading up to the final showdown. I don’t believe that Al could’ve taken Streeter down, a trained hit man, with a bullet to the midsection to boot. But otherwise, well done.
OVERALL: Great dialogue throughout. I’ll probably give it good scores based on that and the well written descriptions. But the story has a lot of holes. The hit man is not a realistic character, the motivation to become a hitman is there, but there’s so many better options than that, robbing a bank for example. You really have to give the audience the impression that he had no choice. Oh yeah, and the dream sequences. Look into cutting a lot of those down. All said, good job. Great dialogue, very authentic. Good luck, hope this helped. read -
A review of Crankshafted (revamp)by Jnasty1979 on 12/14/2011Pg 1. I’ll be honest. I don’t get the bold print on the sluglines. Is this some new thing I don’t know about? Second screenplay I’ve seen like this in past few weeks. Pg 3. Good start so far. Well written description. Short and concise. Dialogue flows well. Good start. Better than 90% of screenplays I’ve read in the first few pages. Pg 5. We’re balls deep, Wang. Funny stuff...
Pg 1. I’ll be honest. I don’t get the bold print on the sluglines. Is this some new thing I don’t know about? Second screenplay I’ve seen like this in past few weeks.
Pg 3. Good start so far. Well written description. Short and concise. Dialogue flows well. Good start. Better than 90% of screenplays I’ve read in the first few pages.
Pg 5. We’re balls deep, Wang. Funny stuff. Like how you mix the action with the comedy.
Pg 7. I would suggest doing a straight flashback instead of a dream sequence/flashback. People have just grown tired of dream sequences, makes it seem like easy way out of situations, so if you can avoid a dream sequence, which I think you easily can here, I would.
Pg 12. Reminding me of the movie Bulletproof mixed with a little Monk. I like both of those, so hopefully you can do them justice.
Pg 17. I’ve noticed that you don’t use (cont.)’s when somebodies dialogue is continued. I would fix that.
Pg 18. Razor is on him. Conflict of our protagonist’s goal are always good.
Pg 26. Nice action scene. Good to see Zak acting like a real cop again.
Pg 27. Ham wallet. Funny.
Pg 31. If the two cops are after them for the doa, then why would razor and his boys also be? I would think they would only come after crankshaft when the cops fucked up.
Pg 36. Kiss my chocolate ass, bitches. Funny
Pg 42. Lots of action scenes. If you notice, most of these kinds of movies will have a lull in the action. Maybe have them get a hotel room, eat, something to slow the pace down. I would recommend something like that before picking revving up the action again.
Pg 50. Seems outta character for Zac to make a “yo momma” joke.
Pg 51. Ok. Now it makes sense.
Pg 52. My ball!...long story. Funny
Pg 59. I like the addition of Jed.
Pg 65. Or the bleeding. Funny
Pg 69. This action scene played much better because there was a lull. Good job here.
Pg 80. Not very believable that they wouldn’t just shoot them in the heads. They blow up the bounty hunters with a suitcase bomb, but decide to bury them in some trash to kill Zak and Crankshaft?
Pg 84. Notice a lot of arrggghh’s. I just picture a pirate everytime they say that.
Pg 91. You shouldn’t use words like ass in your description. Just say “rear end” or “backside” instead.
Pg 100. I like how you put zak in a position where he has to face his fears. Good direction for the ending to go.
Overall: Good script. The laugh-out-loud moments are not as frequent as one would like. If you’re selling this as a straight buddy/comedy script I would have liked to laugh a little more, but like I said, there were some moments which is better than most comedy scripts I read. Good job overall. Wish you best of luck. Hope this review helped.
jeremiah read -
A review of August Grassby Jnasty1979 on 12/13/2011First thing I noticed, and I’m sure you’ve heard it from other reviewers already, but your descriptions are way too long. Any description block should never be over four lines. You have blocks of 6 and 8 within the first page. Run on sentences also within the description. Tight and lean. That is the key to a well written screenplay. That’s why it differs from novels. I’ll... First thing I noticed, and I’m sure you’ve heard it from other reviewers already, but your descriptions are way too long. Any description block should never be over four lines. You have blocks of 6 and 8 within the first page. Run on sentences also within the description. Tight and lean. That is the key to a well written screenplay. That’s why it differs from novels. I’ll give example:
Late spring, the TV is on, LENA KAPITIS Jim's wife(49),
shapely, very attractive, short hair, wearing stylish jeans
and tank top is alone watching 60 minutes... On the table
near Lena, an open newspaper headlining George H. W.Bush
signs the CLean Air Act... The room is furnished
traditionally...Very neat...She hears Jim YELLING in his
office...Curious, she heads over there...She pokes her head
in his office.
Should be something like this…
LENA KAPITIS(49), short hair, very attractive sits alone watching TV. She hears Jim yelling. Pokes her head into his office.
You are describing way too much throughout the scene. Get in, get out. We don’t need to know what’s on the table, what she’s watching, what time of year it is. Tell us what we need to know, then move on.
Pg 1. Also noticed dialogue has too many coma’s.
LENA
It's done Jim, over, it was last
season, And why do you need a lucky
shirt now?
Should be…
It’s done Jim. Over. It was last season. And why do you need a lucky shirt now?
Pg 4. So far, good dialogue. Believable, flows well. Good job.
Pg 7. The phone conversation should be split up with pauses or beats if we don’t hear
the other party. Not just a series of continues.
Pg 14. For me, it seemed he got the job a little too easy. I understand how bad the teams been, etc, etc, but I would like to see it a little more of a challenge.
Pg 22. Playes are turning on him. Finally a little conflict.
Pg 25. I like the fact that DC was brought in. He’s already making some nice contributions. Well done there.
Pg 25. Only describe what we can see. The description of the script is what we see on screen. You saying “ragging the half-dressed cornerback about his multiple girlfriends” is not something we can see. Describe the situation as we see it, go right in. The reader will figure this out. Don’t describe it.
Pg 32. I like the challenge that Jim makes with Lyle.
Pg 37. I also like how he handles the steroid user. Sets the tone early with that sort of thing.
Pg 44. I like the holmeless shelter seen. Good strategy of getting these spoiled pricks some perspective.
Pg 45. Finally some more conflict. Ron looks like he has it out for Jim. Good.
Pg 53. Good to see Charlie has come around to Jim. Now it’s lyle’s turn.
Pg 55. And tbe offense rich.
Pg 60 Lyle should be cut or benched at this point. Seems like TO without the talent.
Pg 64. Now I get why Lyle was such a prick. Good twist having Ron orchestrate the whole thing.
Pg 70. I find myself rooting for the Gunners. Good job of setting up these underdogs.
Pg 77. Good to see them coming together as a football team.
Pg 87. Once again everything is happening too easy. A good movie means hero’s overcoming obstacles. It’s gotten way too easy at this point. Maybe have Dice fall off the wagon or something. Maybe Uncle Mason dies, causes Charlie to tailspin. Something.
Pg92. Lol. Great minds think alike. Down goes uncle Mason.
Pg 102. I like Otis taking control. Instead of another Jim speech we hear Otis’s voice. Good stuff.
Pg 107. Strategy wise going for two there doesn’t make any sense. Chance to go up field goal. No coach in his right mind would go for two, and Jim is a smart guy. I would rather see it play out with Denver kicking another field goal, go up 7, then they tie it, go for the win instead of tie. That’s more ballsy that just stupid.
Overall: Satisfying read. I’m a huge football fan myself, so the story intrigued me. A lot of the stuff I covered in the beginning are must changes. A little too blocky throughout with the descriptions. Tighten that up, add some more conflict and you might have something here. Good luck, hope review is helpful
jeremiah read
Comments About Jnasty1979 7
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capper on 03/29/2012
No worries, J. Good luck and I hope my review helps. -
Anthony J. on 03/04/2012
Thanks for the review.
Most of the issues you have mentioned have been dealt with. I have pulled back characters. Especially in the beginning. Like you said the other reviewers have mentioned the typos.
I am Italian, but not Sicilian. They are a different ethnic background, which I tried to point out in the story.
Thanks again. -
Jan456 on 02/01/2012
Thank you so much for your review of my "Corvette" script. Not to worry, most of the writers/reviewers here are "non-romantic dance musical genre" fans so it means all that much more to me to get a "good job" from one of you GUYS. Thank you so much.
Janet
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mdoliner on 02/01/2012
Thanks for your review of Detroit. -
MarkZak26 on 12/30/2011
Comment deleted by Jnasty1979 -
Tripsheet Revision on 12/18/2011
Jnasty1979 -- Thanks for reading and reviewing HAMMERSTRIKE. I'm glad you liked it, and I appreciate your positive comments and suggestions. I look forward to reading your work. Tom -
capper on 12/14/2011
Thanks for the review of Crankshafted. The bolder slugs are a new things which is accepted in the industry. I like it because it easily shows (me) when a new scene starts and makes me focus on the actual slug more during reading.
Thanks again, and good luck with your writing.
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Comments About Jnasty1979 7
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No worries, J. Good luck and I hope my review helps.
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Thanks for the review.
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Thank you so much for your review of my "Corvette" script. Not to worry, most of the writers/reviewers here are "non-romantic dance musical genre" fans so it means all that much more to me to get a "good job" from one of you GUYS. Thank you so much.
+ more commentscapper on 03/29/2012
Anthony J. on 03/04/2012
Most of the issues you have mentioned have been dealt with. I have pulled back characters. Especially in the beginning. Like you said the other reviewers have mentioned the typos.
I am Italian, but not Sicilian. They are a different ethnic background, which I tried to point out in the story.
Thanks again.
Jan456 on 02/01/2012
Janet