a short story
by Schism83
Genres:
drama
When she woke, she was naked, naked and wet with sweat...
Schism83
member since 11/07/2011 |
last login 06/09/2013
I'm short, my eyes are too close together, and, when I stand up quickly, my knees pop really loud. I'm terrible at love, sports, and beer pong, and I'm obssessed with the off-brand of 'Hot Cheetos' - 'Hot Fries'. To top it...
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I'm short, my eyes are too close together, and, when I stand up quickly, my knees pop really loud. I'm terrible at love, sports, and beer pong, and I'm obssessed with the off-brand of 'Hot Cheetos' - 'Hot Fries'. To top it all off, I suffer from a lovely, malevolent curse - I'm convinced I'm a writer. So, I guess we'll see just how steep the stars are stacked against me. Keep the pen moving!
Submissions by Schism83
Reviews by Schism83 64
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A review of Susan's Storyby Schism83 on 06/09/2013Hey, Morris! Just read "Susan's Story" and here are my thoughts and comments. This is a good read. While there are elements at play that are commonplace and border cliche, you handle them in a very sincere and honest way which lends a fresh quality and intrique to the overall narrative. You have some great physical description and also some really good, very human moments... Hey, Morris! Just read "Susan's Story" and here are my thoughts and comments.
This is a good read. While there are elements at play that are commonplace and border cliche, you handle them in a very sincere and honest way which lends a fresh quality and intrique to the overall narrative. You have some great physical description and also some really good, very human moments at work in the piece, and these - coupled with the sincerity and honesty mentioned before - help the voice of the story come off as completely unpretentious and interested in its own words/story. I think this quality is the thing that makes the work such a good read for me. I've read one other piece of yours (I think), but your voice in this one, alone, compels me to seek more out from you.
I read recently that we, as post-post-modern writers, are finally getting out of the phase of irony and self loathing and cliche, and a truer sense of fiction for the sake of story, emotion, and expressing the human condition is re-emerging (in Literature, at least). I think your voice in "Susan's Story" is an example of that. Hopefully, there'll be more of it to come, both from you and every one else that's writing.
Thanks for the read, and keep the pen moving!
Schism read -
A review of The Old Man's Paintingby Schism83 on 05/27/2013Hey, Filmfam. Just read 'The Old Man's Painting' and here are my thoughts. I thought this was a really nice story, but it just didn't work for me. It was too quaint and 'feel-good' for my taste. The dialogue felt unrealistic, the narrator's thoughts and habits repetitive, and the overall story glossy and overtly sappy. While I didn't like it, though, I decided to review... Hey, Filmfam. Just read 'The Old Man's Painting' and here are my thoughts.
I thought this was a really nice story, but it just didn't work for me. It was too quaint and 'feel-good' for my taste. The dialogue felt unrealistic, the narrator's thoughts and habits repetitive, and the overall story glossy and overtly sappy. While I didn't like it, though, I decided to review it because I did really like the concept. I think something really unique could be done if the story was handled in a way where the old man's world begins to wither or become dilapidated around him. Or maybe he's having dreams of those sort of events. Or maybe the woman from the painting appears malicious or the cause of the man's hallucinations. Whatever it may be, I think my biggest thing was that there really seemed to be no conflict or drama. The piece doesn't have to be dark, but there does need to be some sense of danger or mystique present in the story. This is touched on with the apparition of the woman, but it feels so light and fluffy that there's no real sense of fear or peril. Just my thoughts.
Sorry if my above words are harsh. I really don't intend to be. I think you have something here that could be really good if you could get at a more of its darker side while still keeping it imbued in the rosy colored world you've created in the piece.
Thanks for the read and keep the pen moving!
Schism read -
A review of The Flyoverby Schism83 on 05/27/2013Hey, Morris. Just read 'The Flyover' and here are my thoughts and comments. This is a very quick, easy read. Your voice is simple and straighforward, and you don't bother with too much description or poetic license, which is consistent with the style, voice, and general nature of the piece. Your story is good, but I have a problem with the protag suddenly killing Gareth... Hey, Morris. Just read 'The Flyover' and here are my thoughts and comments.
This is a very quick, easy read. Your voice is simple and straighforward, and you don't bother with too much description or poetic license, which is consistent with the style, voice, and general nature of the piece. Your story is good, but I have a problem with the protag suddenly killing Gareth. This action feels out of place, maybe even unwarranted or inconsistent with the identity you've given the protagonist. I'd suggest including something about feeling overwhelmed or guilty about Gareth's murder, mostly so we, the audience, can see that the narrator's not a psychopath but, rather, someone who made a mistake that, ironically and fortunately enough, serves his favor. Otherwise, you have a main character that comes off normal but winds up killing someone and not being bothered by it. Just my thoughts.
My only other suggestion would be to watch your grammar and spelling. There are a lot of mistakes throughout the piece, but they are all easy fixes. Just a heads up.
Again, good story, and my only big suggestion would be to consider including some emotion upon Gareth's murder. This way, the protag is that much more realistic in his actions.
Thanks for the read, and keep the pen moving!
Schism read
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Submissions by Schism83
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a short story by Schism83A crocodile hunter falls prey to lavish dreams.
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a short story by Schism83Genres: drama'Happy Families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way' - Tolstoy
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a short story by Schism83When she woke, she was naked, naked and wet with sweat, but she didn't move. She didn't want him to know...
Reviews by Schism83 64
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A review of Susan's Storyby Schism83 on 06/09/2013Hey, Morris! Just read "Susan's Story" and here are my thoughts and comments. This is a good read. While there are elements at play that are commonplace and border cliche, you handle them in a very sincere and honest way which lends a fresh quality and intrique to the overall narrative. You have some great physical description and also some really good, very human moments... Hey, Morris! Just read "Susan's Story" and here are my thoughts and comments.
This is a good read. While there are elements at play that are commonplace and border cliche, you handle them in a very sincere and honest way which lends a fresh quality and intrique to the overall narrative. You have some great physical description and also some really good, very human moments at work in the piece, and these - coupled with the sincerity and honesty mentioned before - help the voice of the story come off as completely unpretentious and interested in its own words/story. I think this quality is the thing that makes the work such a good read for me. I've read one other piece of yours (I think), but your voice in this one, alone, compels me to seek more out from you.
I read recently that we, as post-post-modern writers, are finally getting out of the phase of irony and self loathing and cliche, and a truer sense of fiction for the sake of story, emotion, and expressing the human condition is re-emerging (in Literature, at least). I think your voice in "Susan's Story" is an example of that. Hopefully, there'll be more of it to come, both from you and every one else that's writing.
Thanks for the read, and keep the pen moving!
Schism read -
A review of The Old Man's Paintingby Schism83 on 05/27/2013Hey, Filmfam. Just read 'The Old Man's Painting' and here are my thoughts. I thought this was a really nice story, but it just didn't work for me. It was too quaint and 'feel-good' for my taste. The dialogue felt unrealistic, the narrator's thoughts and habits repetitive, and the overall story glossy and overtly sappy. While I didn't like it, though, I decided to review... Hey, Filmfam. Just read 'The Old Man's Painting' and here are my thoughts.
I thought this was a really nice story, but it just didn't work for me. It was too quaint and 'feel-good' for my taste. The dialogue felt unrealistic, the narrator's thoughts and habits repetitive, and the overall story glossy and overtly sappy. While I didn't like it, though, I decided to review it because I did really like the concept. I think something really unique could be done if the story was handled in a way where the old man's world begins to wither or become dilapidated around him. Or maybe he's having dreams of those sort of events. Or maybe the woman from the painting appears malicious or the cause of the man's hallucinations. Whatever it may be, I think my biggest thing was that there really seemed to be no conflict or drama. The piece doesn't have to be dark, but there does need to be some sense of danger or mystique present in the story. This is touched on with the apparition of the woman, but it feels so light and fluffy that there's no real sense of fear or peril. Just my thoughts.
Sorry if my above words are harsh. I really don't intend to be. I think you have something here that could be really good if you could get at a more of its darker side while still keeping it imbued in the rosy colored world you've created in the piece.
Thanks for the read and keep the pen moving!
Schism read -
A review of The Flyoverby Schism83 on 05/27/2013Hey, Morris. Just read 'The Flyover' and here are my thoughts and comments. This is a very quick, easy read. Your voice is simple and straighforward, and you don't bother with too much description or poetic license, which is consistent with the style, voice, and general nature of the piece. Your story is good, but I have a problem with the protag suddenly killing Gareth... Hey, Morris. Just read 'The Flyover' and here are my thoughts and comments.
This is a very quick, easy read. Your voice is simple and straighforward, and you don't bother with too much description or poetic license, which is consistent with the style, voice, and general nature of the piece. Your story is good, but I have a problem with the protag suddenly killing Gareth. This action feels out of place, maybe even unwarranted or inconsistent with the identity you've given the protagonist. I'd suggest including something about feeling overwhelmed or guilty about Gareth's murder, mostly so we, the audience, can see that the narrator's not a psychopath but, rather, someone who made a mistake that, ironically and fortunately enough, serves his favor. Otherwise, you have a main character that comes off normal but winds up killing someone and not being bothered by it. Just my thoughts.
My only other suggestion would be to watch your grammar and spelling. There are a lot of mistakes throughout the piece, but they are all easy fixes. Just a heads up.
Again, good story, and my only big suggestion would be to consider including some emotion upon Gareth's murder. This way, the protag is that much more realistic in his actions.
Thanks for the read, and keep the pen moving!
Schism read -
A review of Manifest Destinyby Schism83 on 03/20/2013Hey, Reid! Just read 'Manifest Destiny' and here are my thoughts and comments. This was a good read. It's very dense, is written in such a way that each word is important, and the dialogue is terse but great. Very to the point while often sporting subtext. Really good. The first 10 pages or so, I was hooked and felt like everything was hitting spot on. Again, loved the... Hey, Reid! Just read 'Manifest Destiny' and here are my thoughts and comments.
This was a good read. It's very dense, is written in such a way that each word is important, and the dialogue is terse but great. Very to the point while often sporting subtext. Really good. The first 10 pages or so, I was hooked and felt like everything was hitting spot on. Again, loved the dialogue, the build, the gradual uncovers, and the characters. Your description, for me at least, sometimes required more than one reading, but that was mostly so I could get a full grasp of what you were describing in order to set up a mental picture. Once we get to the holographic diary, though, I felt like there was a rushed quality and an overall lack in the tension and drama of the rest of the story's unfolding. For me, I think the story (and your killer, minimal style) would be better served if you re-structured from Raph's diary on and wrote a different scene for the final climax - a la, Dimas' death. Logistically, if Raph went nuts, why doesn't Dimas? Why doesn't he start cutting up his face? And, if it's because he recieved the diary and didn't want to wind up like Raph, that should be said. Otherwise, the reader is forced to draw that conclusion, and, as the scene currently plays out, I don't think you want the audience asking questions once the James' bomb is dropped. Also, are Raph and Dimas nuts? Are Thana and James going nuts also or are they unaffected by the Nirvan's music? For me, I felt like those questions needed to be answered or at least the answers needed to be hinted at in a clearer way. Structurally, I think the story packs some serios drama and tension, but, once we find out Dimas' is about to off himself, things get vague and undramatic (for me, at least). I felt like there needed to be more build, more drive, and more climax. Possibly bring James in or have James show up where Thana is, letting her know what Dimas is up too. Also (and I may have just missed this) let the audience know that what Dimas is doing is dangerous. I wasn't sure if he was redirecting the ship, short-circuiting the system to save the members on board, or what. The only thing that really grabbed my attention was when James' name was dropped. That works well, but I feel like it can be used better and in a more tense atmosphere. Establishing that would round out an awesome opening and what is, overall, a good story.
All the above is just a suggestion of course. Often, my comments and questions tend to be unique to me or stem from something I overlooked. Whatever you choose to do in the next draft, really dug the story and hope to read more in the future.
One last thing, I'm part of the 13 group, so good to have you on board. Let's get published!
Keep the pen moving!
Schism read -
A review of The Thirteenth Cameraby Schism83 on 03/04/2013Hey, Mike! I'm part of the 13 group and finally getting around to reviewing stories. Here are my thoughts and comments on 'The 13th Camera'. I thought this was a good read. The story starts strong and immediately pulls the audience right into the characters with some interesting, enigmatic dialogue and actions. Scarlett's voice is really good, and you capture the layman... Hey, Mike! I'm part of the 13 group and finally getting around to reviewing stories. Here are my thoughts and comments on 'The 13th Camera'.
I thought this was a good read. The story starts strong and immediately pulls the audience right into the characters with some interesting, enigmatic dialogue and actions. Scarlett's voice is really good, and you capture the layman voice well in Tom. The overall plot of the story is intriguing, and the soul bit uniquely pushes the story in a different direction without being abrupt or random. It's relieving to finally find out what the old man wants, and WHAT he wants is fresh and rewarding (for me, at least). There was potential for let down, but the twist holds strong. I only have a couple of suggestions for potential change:
1. ferocity, - lose the comma
2. the energy of bursting in through the door and into the lobby is immediately lost with the old man suddenly standing 'stock still'. Maybe consider having him adjusting his clothes or catching his breath.
3. flamboyance - word choice: maybe 'elegance' instead?
4. 'There's a back way.' - doesn't Tom have the keys to the front doors? Why would he take him out back?
5. The name bit's hilarious!
6. 'I'll show you look. Over here.' - Make three sentences: 'I'll show you. Look. Over here."
7. Tom finishes one of his spiels with "End of...". End of what? Is there a word missing or does Scarlett interrupt him? Clarify.
I thought the opening paragraph was very beautifully written, almost lyrical, but I can't help but ask - is it necessary? Again, it's beautifully written, but I feel like it starts the story off on the wrong foot. Beginning with Tom and the Old Man feels more pertinent than beginning with the camera.
That's pretty much all I've got. I'd suggest trimming down the center bit concerning control, etc., but I understand the part if plays. Just a thought.
I think you have a really solid piece here. First time reader of your stuff, and I'm interested to read more. As for the 13 group, glad you're a part of it. Let's get published!
Thanks for the read, and keep the pen moving!
Schism read -
A review of Cosmonaut and Soulby Schism83 on 01/02/2013Hey, Neil. Just finished "Cosmonaut and Soul", and I thought it was a good read. You've a great concept that begs allegory or metaphor for some philosophical motif, but I never recognized one. Instead, your story is straightforward and simple. This would lead me to suggest possibly opening the character (and, therefore, the reader) up to expressing his thoughts about what... Hey, Neil. Just finished "Cosmonaut and Soul", and I thought it was a good read. You've a great concept that begs allegory or metaphor for some philosophical motif, but I never recognized one. Instead, your story is straightforward and simple. This would lead me to suggest possibly opening the character (and, therefore, the reader) up to expressing his thoughts about what it is to be floating in an abyss of nothing but existence and thought and how this is comparable to life and living. The reference of the Time Before and the After is really good, as is what the two mean to Alan, but it doesn't feel connected to a greater sense of meaning or theme. It is just a breakdown in Time, which, at this point, is only a coping mechanism for Alan. (That being said, are you saying that the Time Before - the family, the meaning, etc. - is what takes us out of the great black abyss of the human condition? Otherwise, we are floating aimlessly blindly in an abyss of black?) I think using your setting as a means to convey a personal or deeper interpretation of life would justify the ultra short story, but, if you want to keep it as it is, I'd suggest making it longer, going back to the tether breaking and forward past colliding with the 'sparkle'. You've a really good premise for some really good fiction, while, if kept in the ultra short story format, enhancing the layers of the story would create some really good short literature. Obviously, this is all suggestion, but I think you should decide which direciton you'd like to go - fiction or literature - so you can either make the story as it exists stronger or lengthen the story and put together a really good piece of fiction.
Some suggestions and comments:
- He knew AS
- "Time no longer existed": nice
- "He now existed in some new place, some place between these dimensions, where the only concrete substances were his own thoughts.": really good sentence
- 'juncture of control': good phrase, very layered use of the word 'control'
- "was sure the vacuum of space": have him KNOW it'll certainly kill him
- Maybe his son...? I don't understand this. Is this sort of an epiphanous idea, that he thinks he's going to have a son, and he wants to make it through this to make see him. Sort of like 127 Hours?
- The sparkle suddenly talking to him feels abrupt and creates a different story for me. Seque into this more.
- Does he get back to Tranquility II?
I hope this helps! If you have any questions or just want to tell me to shove off, give me a shout. In the mean time, thanks for the read, and keep the pen moving!
Schism read -
A review of Long Time Friendsby Schism83 on 12/30/2012Hello, hello! Just read 'Long Time Friends' and here are my thoughts and comments. I thought this was a decent read. Henry and Dana are good characters, both executed deftly and with distinct personalities. Dana's adherence to fidelity and Henry's struggles with it are realistic, easily relatable, and handled well, and you build a nice tension up to the bathroom scene (good... Hello, hello! Just read 'Long Time Friends' and here are my thoughts and comments.
I thought this was a decent read. Henry and Dana are good characters, both executed deftly and with distinct personalities. Dana's adherence to fidelity and Henry's struggles with it are realistic, easily relatable, and handled well, and you build a nice tension up to the bathroom scene (good scene), when closure is finally allowed through the kiss on the cheek. Your description is minimal but effective when used, and the occasional use of French helps support the opening international setting. The old woman is good comedic release, but I felt that Dana hugging her was too much. The comment she makes about keeping the spunk felt awkward and unnecessary, also. Dana and Henry's contact - holding hands, her head winding up in his lap - those things felt too much for me. I think the tension between the two would be better served if they brushed forearms then moved their arms, embarrassed. As the flight progresses, though, they leave their arms on the arm rest, touching, relishing the oppurtunity to give in and feel each other for only a moment. I think this would especially work with Henry (as he is the one really entertaining the idea of being with someone outside of his marriage). Have him start off embarrassed and very self-contained, but, again, as the flight progresses and more about his feelings for Dana surface, he starts sneaking oppurtunities to touch her. To really build this up, you could development the two's past contact more, highlighting how long they've known each other, their experiences, etc. (I would suggest doing that anyway in order to provide more basis and tension for Henry's crush.) Also, would Henry really have a picture of Dana and Julie topless? If so, wouldn't Dana find it weird - this man that is infatuated with her has a topless picture of her on his nobody-sees-this-but-me laptop? Currently feels wierd, but, as mentioned, if you delve into their past more, you may be able to give more insight into the kind of people they are, their relationship, and why the picture exits to begin with (outside of where and when it was taken).
Some minor notes:
page 3 - comma after 'attendant' and before 'show'
-'Her smile masked by fear'. If she is scared, then her smile is hollow and fear holds her expression. Or the smile is just pressed out by the grip of fear.
page 12 - Henry says, "Thanks for listening", but he hasn't really said anything. He doesn't go into anything, and what he does say is very ambiguous, which also begs the question - why are he and Jules not sexually active? Is she unable, uninterested, etc, or is he just not into her anymore? Maybe explain this more
page 13 - 'the plane starts its descent'
page 14 - arriveS
- 'smile masked by sadness': possibly 'masking his sadness with a forced/feigned smile'
page 15 - 'he TOO watching'
Why is Julie such a teenage girl? It's almost like she's caught in some adolescent stage of mental development. I would suggest changing this, making her less childish. It makes Henry look like a martyr and triggers the idea: no wonder, he wants to get into Dana's pants; his wife acts like a prep-school cheerleader. I think this line of thinking counters your main point - marriage is hard; we're faced with challenges and temptation; but we need to stay true to the oath we make with our partners.
'David knew. He understood HIS wife's private escapes." - I didn't understand this. Private escapes? He thinks she runs around on him? And, if not, what are her escapes - business travels that involve sleeping in men's laps? I would say clarify (David recognizes a personal moment suddenly pass between Dana and Henry's eye contact) or just take out all together.
I'm glad the two didn't get together. It's nice to read a story where morals win for a change.
Hope this helps. If you have any questions or want to tell me to shove off, feel free to give me a shout. In the meantime, thanks for the read, and keep the pen movin!
Schism read -
A review of Listen Here !by Schism83 on 12/30/2012Hello, hello. Just read, "Listen Here!", and here are my thoughts and comments. When you read other writers on writing, usually they say that the most important thing is to finish a first draft and then the real writing begins. That is to say, Writing is rewriting. I think 'Listen Here!' has a lot of issues, but they can be addressed in the future. Right now, I think the... Hello, hello. Just read, "Listen Here!", and here are my thoughts and comments.
When you read other writers on writing, usually they say that the most important thing is to finish a first draft and then the real writing begins. That is to say, Writing is rewriting. I think 'Listen Here!' has a lot of issues, but they can be addressed in the future. Right now, I think the most important thing is to finish the story. I can only assume that, as it is written, it's incomplete, but, if it IS complete, I think you you have a lot more writing to do. There needs to be a confrontation between Mark and Jerry to round up the conflict or Marjorie needs to address Jerry and give him a speech about letting things go, like with the neighbor's dog. Either way, again, there needs to be an ending, one with closure. Once you've accomplished that, then you can get down to the rewriting, which is where the magic really happens for making a story whole and shiny.
If you have any questions or comments or just want to tell me to shove off, feel free to give me a shout. In the meantime, thanks for the read and keep the pen moving!
Schism read -
A review of The Normal Brothers Versus the Arch Enemyby Schism83 on 12/25/2012Hello, hello! Just read 'The Normal Brothers Vs. The Arch Enemy', and here are my thoughts and comments. I thought this was a funny read. While there were a variety of influences - 'Deliverance', 'Indiana Jones', 'Pulp Fiction', and 'Ghostbusters', I think the piece manages to mesh the melee together through the goofball humor of its protagonists. That being said, I think... Hello, hello! Just read 'The Normal Brothers Vs. The Arch Enemy', and here are my thoughts and comments.
I thought this was a funny read. While there were a variety of influences - 'Deliverance', 'Indiana Jones', 'Pulp Fiction', and 'Ghostbusters', I think the piece manages to mesh the melee together through the goofball humor of its protagonists. That being said, I think the most developed thing about the lead characters was there humor and that was all. We don't know who these two are, what they really do, anything about their background, or really anything that can help us differentiate between the two. They're funny, they're in a serious situation and manage to continue to be funny, and they like AC/DC. That's pretty much all we got. If you were hoping to avoid applying any background to Tom and Sam by implying character through the influences/homages referenced/used, I sorta feel like you've taken the easy way out. These guys are goofy - let's see their goofiness all the way through. That's one of the reasons why Ghostbusters works so well (outside of an incredibly unique idea and a killer four man front-men group): you get to see these guys when they are balls deep in serious shiznit as well as when they are just playing stuff by ear because they really have no idea what is going on. Allowing the audience into some of those more intimate moments will increase readers' over all enjoyment by the end. You try to do this before Vlad shows up, but, in all honesty, I'd lose the girlfriend bit. It's distracting and sort of out of left field. Plus, there's no pay off for the conversation. Play up Vlad; have them do rock, paper, scissors; have them do Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon - use that moment to enhance their humanity but also show insight into how they really are 'off the clock'. Again, I see that you tried to do that with the girlfriend bit, but I don't feel like it works.
When Sam and Tom are talking to Zed, lose, 'Almost like... Oh, Shit!' That's you, the writer, not any of the characters. At that point in the story, you're still writing objectively, more script like than short fiction.
Watch your spacing and punctuation. For example, '"... is?" he asked'.
Page 13: 'shook the cobwebs': he's been using his brain, so maybe have him shake his 'bearings back into place' or something
Again, thought this was a funny read with a decent story line, but I think you should provide the audience with more so we don't feel like we're coming in so late, getting very little, and getting out really early. Hope this helps.
If you have any questions or just want to tell me to shove off, feel free to give me a shout. In the meantime, thanks for the read, and keep the pen moving!
"Zed's Dead, baby. Zed's dead."
Schism read -
A review of Night Justice - 2nd draftby Schism83 on 12/16/2012Hello, hello, again, Hoggy! Just read 'Night Justice", draft dos, and here are my thoughts and comments. This was a decent read. Below are some itemized issues I have with the text. page 1 - 'Right now': try 'instead' - Consider losing 2nd paragraph. I don't think it's necessary, and, if you incorporate soldiers wandering beneath Narl and him gazing out at guard posts... Hello, hello, again, Hoggy! Just read 'Night Justice", draft dos, and here are my thoughts and comments.
This was a decent read. Below are some itemized issues I have with the text.
page 1 - 'Right now': try 'instead'
- Consider losing 2nd paragraph. I don't think it's necessary, and, if you incorporate soldiers wandering beneath Narl and him gazing out at guard posts into the third paragraph, I think the threat will be more veritable.
- if not doing above, condiser, for the second paragraph, "fence, guard posts, then patrolling soldiers" for more clarity
- 'seemed to': maybe try, "lantern's circle of yellow light didn't stretch far enough out to reach him"
- Why do his eyes stand out in the dark? Do they glow?
- prevent him FROM getting
- "Just calm down": good paragraph; says a lot about your character
page 2 - "His instructors had addressed their 1st hit AS 'popping their cherries": you 'break' hymens, you pop cherries
- should the grandfather clock be an old bell or something? Also, maybe have him count the chimes, and, when he gets to 11, Narl says, "Eleven." Pause, deep breath, his grip tightens on the wood under his palms. "Time to Move."
page 3 - cowed?
page 4 - Kian bit is good
page 5 - set of webbing? Sounds too much like Spiderman
- 'God, he hated that name' - unnecessary
- 'His room had been cleaned' - unnecessary, unless you want to include the maid that's cleaning it and how Globus wants to find her attractive, to take her, but he can't. He can only get aroused by kids, now.
- 'The soak."? This can be rationalized but is confusing upon first read. Say, "He had bathed" or something. "Soak" is too little antecedent info for the remainder of the paragraph.
- "If only soap could cleanse..."; maybe say something about him using soap to scrape the stains off his brain. That being said, he molests children. Is listening to a bunch of guys BS about business something that he would really find that annoying?
page 8 - "Apathy": try, "Turning a shamed eye had become turning a blind eye had become callousness had become indifference" etc. That might not work so well, but apathy isn't the right word. It's not that he doesn't care; it's that he's desensitized to the whole thing.
- shot down his spine
- incorrect quotation mark on Foxtran
page 9 - "With a TWIST and resounding SNAP,..."
page 10 - 'bang at THE door'; would Globus really just let that go?
page 11 - 'The wind rose again and blustered around the room': is there a window open?
- sorry, brother, but Kian crushing Globus' wrist then throwing him across the room completely took me out of the story. For me, way to abrupt with no build to prepare for a showcase of those kinds of powers.
- Kian reading is hilarious, but the inability to pronounce the word and the following F-bomb feels anachronisitc and the sudden de-track from devout ritual and respect for mission feels inconsistent with the rest of the story.
page 12 - unneeded quotation mark at "Globus carried on..."
Again, while I like the premise, you've got some fundamentals within the story that need some work. A bigger issue I have though - and this applies to 'The Good Man' as well: you have some really really good premises that play out in interesting settings but you seem to gloss over the things that could make the story that much more appealing. In 'Night Justice' for instance, don't allow the reader into Globus' head. Rather, describe his pudgy face and searching, lecherous eyes. He's Jabba the Hut as a human child molester. Whatta good fuckin' character! Make the audience FEEL and SEE how nasty he is. You do that in one brief instant with Foxtran(?) when you talk about wine on his breath and him barely being able to bow to Globus because of his belly. Good bit of descriptoin - give us more of that. Describe how Narl's limber legs and arms appear made of rubber and jointless as he glides across the beams and soundlessly sails down to the floor. Play that up. Get more into the movements and emotions of your characters and do that by developing stronger understandings of your characters' psychology and letting that psychology out every time you write about that character. I think that will ultimately help you do more justice to your creative and unique settings.
Hope this helps. If you have any questions or just want to tell me to shove off, feel free to give me a shout. In the mean time, thanks for the read, and keep the pen moving!
Schism read
Comments About Schism83 48
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Michael Leath on 03/31/2013
Thank you for reviewing Missive. I have a rule that if I have to explain my point-of-view then I have missed on the writing because I cannot be there to explain to everyone who reads it. Then I was not clear, and there is fault in the writing.
But this will break that rule for once just for the sake of discussion.
I wrote this in a three act play style, using the benign style of camera direction in a screenplay. The second act - which you rightly pointed out was different, was done so on purpose. The idea behind it was for you to wear her skin and feel her infirmity during that sequence.
Admittedly I may have missed that mark. This is something new I am trying to divide a story up and manipulate each segment for maximum effect. To be sure this was a melodramatic story.
Thanks again for the thoughts. I will go back to the drawing board and rethink this. Or I may be thinking too much here. As the people on the screenplay side of TSL have beat sheets and discuss their work in aspects which deliver a whole, I am attempting to find the components that make a good story and see if I can deliver in a more methodical way.
But I sure appreciate you looking at this and offering your true thoughts.
~
M -
Michael Leath on 03/29/2013
Thank you for your review of Julia. I appreciate the effort you put in to explain your position on the story. it surely isn't for everyone. I'll consider your thoughts on the subject if I choose to rewrite. I haven't decided if that will occur.
Looking forward to be assigned something of yours to read and review.
Pound the keys....
M -
hinge1492 on 03/21/2013
Thank you for the review, and great to meet you! I am trying to get through the other 13 submissions, but my busted-down TS level limits my reviews. Shouldn't have gone dark for 2+ years like I did!
I will look at your suggestions and see what I can work in. I'm aware it's dense and has a lot of prepositions, and quite frankly that was a reaction to writing a lot of white papers with no creativity in them :) I do want to keep the affair, as I think it adds to Thana's complexity and makes her somewhat unsympathetic and deserving of her ultimate punishment. For the record, Dimas IS going crazy (as is Thana), but Thana doesn't realize it. Dimas does, which is why he kills himself before he can go as far along as Raph. And I feel opening with Raph tips the twist a bit of the Nirvans' attempt to avoid their fate. But I'll look into options.
I will get to your story as soon as I can; may not post it initially on TS, but I'll get my feedback to you. Thanks again, and let's do this thing! -
Mike Wolfson on 03/05/2013
Hi Schism,
Many thanks for the kind words and constructive comments regarding The Thirteenth Camera. I'm guessing that you're not based in the UK. "End of" is an expression. It's used over here to mean "that's it" / "end of conversation" / "topic closed" / "no more discussion".
I'll gladly amend it if it has several reviewers scratching their heads. I was a bit worried how the story would travel in general but it seems to be going down well.
I've got your email with your submission attached. I had a quick read of the first page and it looks intriguing. I should get time to post a review in the next week or so.
Thanks again. Take care my friend,
Mike. -
ChristinaD on 01/01/2013
Schism, Thanks for your very helpful comments on my short story Long Time Friends. You addressed alot of the issues I was having trouble with. I wasn't comfortable with Julie, perhaps I'll make her a hard ass career woman. I will take your subjections and see if I can make this story work better. Thanks again and Happy New Year.
ChristinaD -
Hoggy on 12/16/2012
Hey mate, cheers for the review. -
nick74 on 12/13/2012
Schism
Hey partner, what’s happening? Man, what a thrilling review. Those are the kinds I like to get, and they’re few and far between, so thanks a million. You made some pretty righteous observations, too, about the story in that you caught the clue I left for the reader (a breadcrumb toward insanity, if you will) in the con-fac machine instantly recognizing the captain’s voice, but not the doc’s. You’re the first one to notice that, or at least mention it, so good eye!
If you don’t mind me ranting a bit, I have to admit I’ve been waiting for someone to come along and catch a clue or two so I can admit the multitude of others that are in there, but that are really only noticeable in retrospect. For instance, the first time Tandy sees Jakowski he says straight up, “Jakowski? I thought you were...” (dead, perhaps?) and boom, his hallucinations begin. Also, he places a cup of coffee down for J to drink that’s still full (and cold) the next morning. And, man, I got to tell you, the scene where they wrestle Ross down and inoculate him was one of the most difficult scenes I’ve ever written because though Tandy saw (and spoke) to Jakowski, Ross didn’t. If you’ll notice, he looked “toward” Jakowski, or looked “in Jakowski’s direction” but never looked “at” him. Why? He wasn’t there, and if you’ll notice Ross’ reactions to the doctor - he began to realize the man was insane, at one point asking him “Doc, you there man?” That’s why Ross went total ape shit and tried to get the hell out of there.
And, one more - When Tandy mentions that the captain had “... paranoid delusions. Dermal swelling. Lack of focus...” Jakowski drops a monitor pad spinning Tandy around. But it was all a hallucination. There was no Jakowski, so the question becomes - who’s losing focus?
Anyway, man, thanks for the review and I’m glad you liked it. I just sent it off to Thunderune Publishing in it’s longer form as a novelette (about 18,000 words). Cross your fingers for me, would ya pal? I really want this one to fly.
And hey, what do I spy? A Spotlight! Congrats on your own jaunt into the dark underworld of the human psyche getting honored. A deserving piece inspired by music’s finest era. Nice.
Hey, do you have email? If so, go to my profile page and click the “contact me” button and email me with your info. Ceska and I have some information for you about plans.
Thanks again for the review and congrats on your Spotlight!
Nick
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f-ceska on 12/06/2012
Congratulations! You've knocked me out of the October Spotlight!! :P
Well done. I knew it was a great story when I read it. -
f-ceska on 11/02/2012
Hello, hello and thank you for your review of 'The Forward to The Gospels of Eibhlin'!
Once again, you've delighted me with your positive feedback and given me no end of encouragement with your kind words. And for sure you'll get an autographed copy when it's a global bestseller!! And a free ticket to the premiere when the movie comes out perhaps too! Or front row seats to the Musical. And you and Nick Keller will both be thanked in the author's acknowledgements, probably before my mother, because you're the only two people (so far) to have read it all (well, almost in your case - you still have two gospels to read) the way through, and helped me to decide that I can perhaps try to do something further with it. (As a point of fact, I did wonder whether the Forward itself should actually be submitted to agents as a part of the story... sometimes, they ask only for the first chapter, in which case I suppose I should send only Maire, but other times they ask for the first two or three chapters, which means I can also submit the Forward, but I wasn't sure if I should or not. You seem to have answered that for me, although you did read The Forward last. Would it have changed your perception if you'd read it first?)
I had picked up on a couple of your points already in a more recent draft. The 'Enjoy' has been removed and I've tidied up the prose, but thank you, once more, for all your help. I hope we'll be thrown into each other's path again soon. (Have you finished your screenplay yet? I've just uploaded a new one of mine).
Take care,
Ceska xx -
f-ceska on 11/01/2012
Welcome back old chum and thank you for your free will review of The Gospel of Liam, part 2. You were as good as your word and read it even after it expired on your list. Does this mean you have more time on your hands and will be offering us more of your own work soon?
As for your feedback, you are very astute, and your comments are very helpful. Nobody else had pointed out those typos, so well spotted. You are right that to a certain extent, and in comparison with the others, this chapter was probably churned out more quickly and may appear rushed in places. The part you mention, with Alfonso and Fallon, etc. definitely needs to be looked at again. However, don't forget that you haven't read the Gospel of Alfonso (yet!) and I should point out that the build up to this moment is already well covered in that story, and assuming (or hoping) that readers would normally read the chapters in sequence, it would be repetitive to go into too much detail again here. In fact, if you were to ever try to fill up on the missing gospels (Ryan and Alfonso), I would say the latter is more important because it is kind of pivotal in the story, and there are a great many clues there as to what Eibhlin plans to do, and why, and wherefore... And Alfonso's story is also key, in that it is the only story that links what's happening in Ireland with the rest of the world. Nevertheless, if you also read the 'Forward' which I think is on your list for tonight, you may get an overview of the whole thing, and a better understanding of what I am trying to do with the story.
As for the ending, it's not really meant to be open ended, other in the message, which is that it may be possible to 'orchestrate martyrdom' and 'create' a religion out of deception, even if it is ultimately for the greater good, and to save humankind from its own folly.
Take care,
Francesca
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Comments About Schism83 48
-
Quote
Thank you for reviewing Missive. I have a rule that if I have to explain my point-of-view then I have missed on the writing because I cannot be there to explain to everyone who reads it. Then I was not clear, and there is fault in the writing.
-
Quote
Thank you for your review of Julia. I appreciate the effort you put in to explain your position on the story. it surely isn't for everyone. I'll consider your thoughts on the subject if I choose to rewrite. I haven't decided if that will occur.
-
Quote
Thank you for the review, and great to meet you! I am trying to get through the other 13 submissions, but my busted-down TS level limits my reviews. Shouldn't have gone dark for 2+ years like I did!
+ more commentsMichael Leath on 03/31/2013
But this will break that rule for once just for the sake of discussion.
I wrote this in a three act play style, using the benign style of camera direction in a screenplay. The second act - which you rightly pointed out was different, was done so on purpose. The idea behind it was for you to wear her skin and feel her infirmity during that sequence.
Admittedly I may have missed that mark. This is something new I am trying to divide a story up and manipulate each segment for maximum effect. To be sure this was a melodramatic story.
Thanks again for the thoughts. I will go back to the drawing board and rethink this. Or I may be thinking too much here. As the people on the screenplay side of TSL have beat sheets and discuss their work in aspects which deliver a whole, I am attempting to find the components that make a good story and see if I can deliver in a more methodical way.
But I sure appreciate you looking at this and offering your true thoughts.
~
M
Michael Leath on 03/29/2013
Looking forward to be assigned something of yours to read and review.
Pound the keys....
M
hinge1492 on 03/21/2013
I will look at your suggestions and see what I can work in. I'm aware it's dense and has a lot of prepositions, and quite frankly that was a reaction to writing a lot of white papers with no creativity in them :) I do want to keep the affair, as I think it adds to Thana's complexity and makes her somewhat unsympathetic and deserving of her ultimate punishment. For the record, Dimas IS going crazy (as is Thana), but Thana doesn't realize it. Dimas does, which is why he kills himself before he can go as far along as Raph. And I feel opening with Raph tips the twist a bit of the Nirvans' attempt to avoid their fate. But I'll look into options.
I will get to your story as soon as I can; may not post it initially on TS, but I'll get my feedback to you. Thanks again, and let's do this thing!