TOFMatt

A straight line flight from rage to rage that could use a few stopovers

by TOFMatt on 09/02/2011

Conceptually, Tolerance is a story that just about anyone can relate to. Who hasn't had to deal with delays at customs, crying kids, "generously proportioned" passengers, irritable flight attendants, and so forth? The premise alone begs for the reader to sympathize with Doug. The problem is, Doug is just not likable. From the outset of the story he's judgmental, elitist,... Conceptually, Tolerance is a story that just about anyone can relate to. Who hasn't had to deal with delays at customs, crying kids, "generously proportioned" passengers, irritable flight attendants, and so forth? The premise alone begs for the reader to sympathize with Doug. The problem is, Doug is just not likable. From the outset of the story he's judgmental, elitist, and snappy. The prose continues with event after event, knocking the reader over the head with just how unlikeable this guy is. Then at the end, he just kind of "gets what he wants."

Granted, Doug's clearly structured purposely to be this way, but even in stories featuring egotistical protagonists, readers need something to adhere to. This is is magnified by the fact that he remains essentially flat the entire story. It would be one thing if he started off somewhat tolerant, then gradually becomes less tolerant with every event until he finally snaps, but the problem is he snaps right at the beginning. Every event on the plane is weighted relatively equally, with the same response, so he doesn't go through any sort of character arc and just ends up feeling like a shallow ball of hate.

This is also a problem when he discovers his "power." Again, his acceptance of it is almost comically flat. "Oh, jeez, I must be doing it." There's no sense of wonder, no sense of suspense or worry - he barely even lets it affect his behavior. One would think that if they had the idea they were causing it, at first they might think they're crazy, then test it, then become paranoid that every little angry spat would cause them to die in a fiery death, until finally they become so overwhelmed by whats happening on the plane that that becomes what they want. But the narrative pretty much throws away these opportunities and continues on its spiteful path.

Technically the prose is alright. There is a bit of a tendency to overwrite (for example, the first three sentences could be condensed into one "Doug Melman chuckled at the people he called "tourists" sitting in their window seat. The pros knew the aisle was where it was at."), and the sentence structures could use a bit more variation (far too many start with "Doug...something").

In the end, Tolerance isn't a bad piece, but given the strong subject/title I thought I would like it more than I did. In such a heavily character-driven story, the character Doug just ends up being too flat. read

Good idea but kind of treads water

A review of Redemption Center

by TOFMatt on 09/01/2011

From the outset, Redemption Center effectively paints its picture of its backwater setting. The narrator's accent played through his voice is unique and though it is risky to give him such a strong characteristic (starting the entire piece with a spelling error no less), it pays off, even if it's not always consistent. He and his associates are certainly described as the... read

Interesting cross-play, apt writing style

A review of The Car and Candice (Revised)

by TOFMatt on 09/01/2011

You won't find any big action or high-concept in The Car and Candice - in fact, the story itself is almost boldly down-to-earth. Despite the fact that very little actually happens, the prose is pretty sharp and varied enough to hold interest. Some of the scenes do tend to drag a bit (the conversation between Max and Al, the lead up to picking up Candice) which would be alright... read

Empty action that needs some stakes

A review of City Sanctions Second Edition

by TOFMatt on 08/31/2011

Conceptually, City Sanctions seems as though it is a piece cut from a movie like Cloverfield - a slice of normal life thrust into the claws of something anything but normal. It reads as one long action scene, which in-and-of itself is not bad. The problem is that, almost by the nature of the twist at the end, there just isn't any weightiness to any of it. The story reads... Conceptually, City Sanctions seems as though it is a piece cut from a movie like Cloverfield - a slice of normal life thrust into the claws of something anything but normal. It reads as one long action scene, which in-and-of itself is not bad. The problem is that, almost by the nature of the twist at the end, there just isn't any weightiness to any of it. The story reads more like a laundry-list of events, and it's hard for the reader to care because there's no investment in the characters. Granted, this is difficult to accomplish given the aforementioned twist, but with some clever word play and vagueries it isn't impossible. For example, one way to up the stakes would be any mention of the the notion that the "creature already took down my partners a few days ago." Therefore, by the reader's initial interpretation they may immediately think "oh, his law enforcement partners," when in reality the subtext means the other "testers" lost the game. This way, you can inject some personal stakes into the story without actually breaking the laws of the twist.

Speaking of breaking the twist, there are a few moments that seem to do just that. The explanation that the monster cannot leave Manhattan otherwise it would get out in the world doesn't really make sense. If this is all a simulation, then that's not really an issue. Red herrings can't outright lie to the reader, they need to be cleverly manipulated so that, from an angle, they are true. The story would do well to foreshadow the trick ending. Maybe have some soldiers act out of character (they go charging at the beast instead of staying back, or otherwise act strangely - but not TOO strangely). This would strengthen the tester at the end mentioning "the AI needs work," because right now it's kind of a throwaway phrase.

Technically, the prose struggles a lot with the notion of showing instead of telling. The opening paragraph is nothing but dry fact. Personally, I love "in media res" (starting from the middle) but its greatest advantage is you it plops the reader right into action, which for the most part is ignored in the opening. Maybe starting with something like "Footsteps echo against the alleys between the New York skyscrapers. It's 9pm at night, and Times Square is completely empty. The night air bites at my exposed skin, but that's not why I'm shivering. I'm shivering because it's out there, somewhere." Start with action, rather than thought.

There are many other examples. Saying things like "I hear a sound across the road" or "after a couple of tense minutes," are vague and uninteresting. Describe the sounds, or the tenseness, describe what these things do to the character. Does it make him jumpy, does his heart pound, does it remind him of anything? Right now the text is just too dry. Some other instances of description don't really make sense (either thematically or even logically) from time to time. "I realize how incredibly fast the creature is. It's like a train." Trains are fast, yes, but thematically it gives the wrong image. A train is confined to a track - the creature is loose and wild. A train is an unstoppable brute force - the creature is slippery and clever. It would be more apt to compare the creature to an animal, like a cheetah. Another example is "Pinned. Just like your cattle." Humans don't pin cattle, we herd them and trap them. Pinned gives the image of a wrestler on a mat, pinning a cow.

City Sanctions has promise. The twist is good and the progression of action is fine. But more than anything, it lacks a certain degree of heart. The main character isn't a character at all really, just a vessel for the plot. Even though the twist ending makes this even more difficult to accomplish than a standard story, it is imperative that the audience has some stake in who it's reading about. Action scenes that are just action scenes are boring when we aren't invested in them. read

A preverse (good) and unsophistocated (not so good) angle on an old story

A review of KING ARTHUR AND THE NIGHTS AT THE ROUND TABLE

by TOFMatt on 08/30/2011

Right from its clever word-play title, King Arthur is unabashedly unrelenting about its perverseness and condescension. While it's sure to make some readers squirm uneasily in their seats, this is where the story is its strongest. Many of the concepts are pretty clever (Excalibur, Lancelot, etc), albeit in a corny "bad porno" sort of way, but therein is where the humor lies... read

A disturbing idea, but presented too heavy handedly

A review of The Lament

by TOFMatt on 08/28/2011

The Lament is a throwback to stories like those shown on Tales from the Crypt. Although it begins with a very spiritual premise, the actual story itself is disturbing in a much more human way. In this respect, it's largely successful. Nathan is not so much evil as he is pathetic and disturbed. This is a good angle, particularly for a story about lamentation. Where the... The Lament is a throwback to stories like those shown on Tales from the Crypt. Although it begins with a very spiritual premise, the actual story itself is disturbing in a much more human way. In this respect, it's largely successful. Nathan is not so much evil as he is pathetic and disturbed. This is a good angle, particularly for a story about lamentation.

Where the piece struggles is in its presentation. First, things are a little too clear cut. This is mostly a result of the largely passive structure and existential phrases (was, is, be, etc). Particularly for a story taking place in the first person, things are too clear-cut - everything "is" something. There's no room for interpretation. Let the character's feelings seep into the POV and taint it.

There's also some unnatural word usage. To say someone falls into "dissonance" is a little too formal/textbook for a person's thoughts. Another example would be "my vision was enhanced." This is really blunt - better to give an example like "Colors brightened, the world sharpened" or something like that.

Structurally, the work is bookended with his experiences in hell, which is a great idea and should definitely be kept. However, for the first 3-4 pages, the vantage point seems to switch from his present to his past, then this mechanic is suddenly forgotten until the very end when it pops up again. It seems a little inconsistent and is probably better to either just bookend the story with them, or have the flashing back and forth persist for the entire story.

Finally, the story beats are a little inconsistent. The story lingers for a long time on the opening events (getting beaten up, stalking the first kid, etc) and then whips relatively quickly through the last section. This is compounded by some extraneous scenes (such as Nathan meeting the school staff and insisting on getting the headmaster's permission to search his vehicle). These can be cleaned up to make the overall progression a little smoother.

In all, there's a good story here but needs a little TLC to really make it shine. read

Howling good write

A review of Itchy

by TOFMatt on 08/23/2011

At its outset, Itchy would have you believe it to be a parody of the monster genre. The bland "routine" of transforming into a werewolf is expertly captured and genuinely funny. The resignation of the main character to his plight is equally well handled - his cold logic and "this is how it is" justifications are thoughtful and entertaining. However, as you read further,... At its outset, Itchy would have you believe it to be a parody of the monster genre. The bland "routine" of transforming into a werewolf is expertly captured and genuinely funny. The resignation of the main character to his plight is equally well handled - his cold logic and "this is how it is" justifications are thoughtful and entertaining. However, as you read further, Itchy soon establishes that it has bigger aspirations than to just poke fun. As the description aptly states, it's a moral story, and a well told one. It teaches us that our cynicism can get us into trouble, particularly when we let it do our thinking for us. It's a lesson that's clear, but not too heavy handed - the sophistication in the prose is obvious and noteworthy.

If I had but one critique it's mainly concerning the ending. The "Itchy" title is almost an ironic one. Despite all the terrible things he's capable of as a werewolf, the main character's main preoccupation is with the itch and the hair. Werewolfism (lycanthropy?) is a chore, a bother. This is handled extremely well in the beginning. However, the main event of this story is anything but routine. It pushes the main character's moral boundary to its limits. Yet at the end, he seems to return to life as normal, attempting to tie back into the Itchy title. I'm not sure this is the best way to go. It would be much stronger if there was some change in him. Maybe the waitress was using him to get back at an old boyfriend, and so the werewolf learns that appearances aren't everything. That would give his return some meaning if he was planning to eat her for being manipulative or something. In any case, it feels oddly regressive for him to basically shrug the entire incident off and still feel that the itch is really the worst part of it all. I really feel like we need some sort of character change (obvious or implied) to tie this whole story up.

That being said, this is still an expertly handled piece and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Very well done.
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An interesting concept but needs a little bit "more"

A review of He's All Dust And Scratches (Revision 1)

by TOFMatt on 08/21/2011

As a conceptual piece, He's All Dust and Scratches is an interesting balance of realism and surrealism. The mix of ghost story and drug story elements is handled fairly well for what's there, but it doesn't quite seem like it's enough just yet. The beats of the story feel weighted in the wrong direction. The text spends a little too long on exposition, establishing the... As a conceptual piece, He's All Dust and Scratches is an interesting balance of realism and surrealism. The mix of ghost story and drug story elements is handled fairly well for what's there, but it doesn't quite seem like it's enough just yet.

The beats of the story feel weighted in the wrong direction. The text spends a little too long on exposition, establishing the scenario before the lights go out and the surreal part begins. But just when it really starts to get interesting, its over. Thematically, establishing Errol's "escape" from the movie (or ghost world) into Laird's apartment as a parallel to Laird's escape from the real world using drugs is paramount. Unfortunately in this piece, not enough is done with it. The visual "stabbing" with the sword comparison with shooting a needle, and his hiding vodka in the orange is a good start, but we need more. We need a real sense of why Errol wants to escape. What is he even escaping from? I assume it's all the rules, regulations, phonies, etc of Hollywood, but really the text doesn't give much of an indication of that yet. Similarly, if that could mirror something in Laird's own escape it would make the meaning of this whole piece a lot stronger. We don't need (or want) nitty-gritty details, but just hints would be enough. Right now, the story reads as incomplete.

Technically there are some inconsistencies. Some of the structure is really unique and interesting, such as "Three lines into a corner to secure one piece of the box I live in." However, many others are confusing, or mean something other than what they're intended to. For example, "Something, in the now, not in my head, not having to do with Pink or Kevin, Tim Tim; or even fucking drugs for that matter, has caught my interest, and in less than a heart beat, it's gone." A semi-colon is definitely not right to use here. Another example, "but I am dead here in the black," should be something more like "I am in dead black" (the darkness is what's dead, not him) - unless this was meant as a stylistic way of insinuating that he's hopped up or actually dead, in which case we readers need more of these hints to make it clearer.

There's something great in here, but right now it just needs more. I kept looking for layers but didn't find them, despite the setup being so rich. I think with some elaboration and a clear message, this will be a much stronger work. read

Searching for story in a labyrinth of text

A review of Marvin the Marvelous Moragon

by TOFMatt on 08/21/2011

At first, Marvin the Marvelous Moragon conjures thoughts of Pixar stories. It seems to be one part Toy Story, one part A Bug's Life, and one part Finding Nemo. Unfortunately, unlike Pixar's carefully crafted masterpieces, Marvin's story quickly gets lost in a maze of superfluous text and confusing structure. To start, it's too long for a children's piece. The younger... read

Doesn't quite have the intricacy of the art it features so prominently

A review of The Art of It

by TOFMatt on 08/19/2011

The Art of It is a new interpretation of a timeless story - the child seeking commendation for his talents from uninterested parents. Unfortunately, it follows every trope, doing little to set itself apart from all those that have come before. On a technical level, the language is fairly clear and concise, but there are some odd sentence structures and phrases which make... The Art of It is a new interpretation of a timeless story - the child seeking commendation for his talents from uninterested parents. Unfortunately, it follows every trope, doing little to set itself apart from all those that have come before.

On a technical level, the language is fairly clear and concise, but there are some odd sentence structures and phrases which make the work sound a little foreign. For example, "A new piece of art in my mother’s tea party is as essential as water in blood." This is an odd phrase, it sounds like it may have been translated from another language. Another example would be "when she walked in with her bunch." A bunch is not a word generally used to refer to people (think of a bunch of bananas, or a bunch of grapes). The mother would more likely walk in with her "group." There are others but I won't mention them all here.

The bigger problem is a fundamental lack of any real story "progression." The story reads more as a bunch of events that just happen, than a cohesive story that wants to prove a point or send a message. There's also a lack of consistency. For example, the boy has his poem for some time before it gets posted up at school and he even points out that his parents aren't interested. Then once he gets his poem back, he runs home and thinks they'll suddenly be interested? Another example is that the big "reveal" at the end is the boy realizes his parents are only into art for its material value, and yet he made multiple references to realizing this earlier already. There's no satisfaction in him "discovering" this because it's something he says he already knew earlier. Another example is the notion that the parents won't take him to the art gallery because they say he's too young, and then suddenly in the next paragraph they take him to an art gallery. The parents just seem to flop back and forth inconsistently such that it's convenient for the plot.

The idea that John is tired of his parents always treating him like a kid is also coming out of nowhere. In the first half of the story, the reason for the parents' ignoring him is due to their busy lives. In the latter half of the story, suddenly its because they don't think of him as an adult. There's no lead-in here, or anything, it just suddenly switches which is extremely jarring for the reader.

Finally, this piece suffers from a major case of "telling and not showing." John always tells the reader exactly what he's feeling, or thinking. The reader isn't left to interpret anything and so the text just turns into a dull sequence of events.

In the end, it isn't so much that The Art of It is unsalvageable, but more than anything it needs a clear, concise direction and more consistency. Unfortunately, as it reads right now, it seems to have been written without any clear plan or direction. read

TriggerStreet

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Submissions by TOFMatt

Reviews by TOFMatt 31

Comments About TOFMatt 9

Mike Wolfson on 09/25/2011

love32 on 09/07/2011

Joshua James on 09/01/2011

Joshua James on 09/01/2011

MaxWatt on 08/28/2011

Zakia on 08/24/2011

YeahHi on 08/20/2011

love45 on 08/12/2011

Mike Wolfson on 08/12/2011

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