a screenplay
by aaandronova
She has come a long way from a miserable failure to a prosperous businesswoman. But what was the price?
aaandronova
member since 09/21/2011 |
last login 05/08/2013
I write screenplays, plays (1 was staged,1was shortlisted and won a prize for the best radio play to be written from Russia and the Caucasus in the BBC World Service & British Council International Radio Playwriting competition 2005), short stories (5 were...
Member Participation Level:
0 1 2 3Recent Activity
Bio
I write screenplays, plays (1 was staged,1was shortlisted and won a prize for the best radio play to be written from Russia and the Caucasus in the BBC World Service & British Council International Radio Playwriting competition 2005), short stories (5 were published), novels (1 was published last year). English isn't my first language,I think there are some mistakes in the text. Some of them are strange, some funny. Please do not lol, better help. And one more thing.I haven’t read a single “how to” book at all and I’m not going to. Why all scripts should be written in the same way?! I can’t understand. Why don’t we think different, write different?! So,while reading my script forget what you were taught on writing courses about action/description length, dialogue length and the structure. My only rule is not to obey any rules. A story must be interesting and that's it!
Submissions by aaandronova
-
-
a short film by aaandronovaGrasshopper: I wanna be a movie star!
-
a screenplay by aaandronovaShe has come a long way from a miserable failure to a prosperous businesswoman. But what was the price?
Reviews by aaandronova 18
-
A review of Pachelbelby aaandronova on 05/08/2013First of all, I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews: 1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I mostly do not write about dialogue and grammar errors. 2. Also I do not write about structure because I have no idea what it is. As I don’t know whether this much talked-about structure is good or bad, I always mark 5 stars and that’s it! 3. I do not write... First of all, I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews:
1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I mostly do not write about dialogue and grammar errors.
2. Also I do not write about structure because I have no idea what it is. As I don’t know whether this much talked-about structure is good or bad, I always mark 5 stars and that’s it!
3. I do not write about format errors because there are plenty of people here who will write to you about them.
I always concentrate on the story itself. I do believe if the story is boring and implausible, neither great dialogue nor perfect formatting can be any help. Quite the opposite, if the story is great, the dialogue can be easily rewritten and proper formatting is done. Now let’s get down to your story.
Actually, I don’t have much to say.
I like your story. The idea about children who get into a magic kingdom ruled by an evil king isn’t new, but you managed to bring something interesting and original in it. I’m not sure about making a movie, but it’s definitely an interesting novel for children. The movie will be too costly, and as I understand nowadays producers won’t risk to spend a big amount of money on an unknown novel, even if it’s very good. But perhaps it could be an animated film?
But there are some things I would change. First of all, I don’t like the scene where Tommie pees at Bunny :( I don’t understand how it can be filmed and IMHO such scenes are appropriate only for second-rate comedies for adults, not for a tale for children. Perhaps the boy should throw something, a stone at Bunny.
Also I don’t like the scene where Lord Pachelbel talks about eating children.That he used to keep children in the dungeon, so they grew skinny and unhealthy and when it was time to eat them, they tasted terrible, bonny and rubbery. I would prefer him not to eat children at all, but sacrifice them by turning into something , so after his death they can return alive and well.
Then I would suggest to dramatize the plot a bit. Perhaps the children stay there not because their car has been crushed, not so simple, but because nobody knows how to leave the kingdom? They should find the way out themselves. First they learn that the way out is in Pachelbel's castle, then that it's a secret room, which the children have to find. Finally Kippei brings Brookline there, but I think the room&the contract should be guarded,there should be some obstacles,traps,fighting with guards before the children reach the room and get the contract.
Next I would suggest to change all those rats,spiders,horses and other animals in the kingdom into some unusual creatures by adding some unusual features to them ( like you did it with the cow).
And the last thing I'd like to mention is the title. According to the end,where we see the evil boy again,you plan to continue the story.So,perhaps it should be "Lord Pachelbel and his wicked secret" or "the diabolic contract" or something else.So,the next story will be "Lord Pachelbel and..." and so on, like it was with Harry Potter.
And if I were you, I would use my computer to make a part of the animated film myself. Kind of a promo, then post it . Why not? read -
A review of Fortune Cookie (4th Draft)by aaandronova on 12/10/2012First of all, I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews: 1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I mostly do not write about dialogue and grammar errors. 2. Also I do not write about structure because I have no idea what it is. As I don’t know whether this much talked-about structure is good or bad, I always mark 5 stars and that’s it! 3. I do not write... First of all, I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews:
1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I mostly do not write about dialogue and grammar errors.
2. Also I do not write about structure because I have no idea what it is. As I don’t know whether this much talked-about structure is good or bad, I always mark 5 stars and that’s it!
3. I do not write about format errors because there are plenty of people here who will write to you about them.
I always concentrate on the story itself. I do believe if the story is boring and implausible, neither great dialogue nor perfect formatting can be any help. Quite the opposite, if the story is great, the dialogue can be easily rewritten and proper formatting is done. Now let’s get down to your story.
I’ve already seen a movie about fortune cookie (“Freaky Friday”), and I wondered what interesting or new you could bring in it. I should say that I really enjoyed your wonderful and funny story. Great concept. A lot of twists and turns. The characters are well designed. The dialogue is witty and smart. The action descriptions are well done and exciting. But there are a few things I would change.
First of all, I would change the title. The current one looks too ordinary. I would suggest trying something unusual, with twists&turns like your story is. I would suggest something like “One win, one loss, one death,one birth, the baby America&7 fortune cookies”. I believe there were 7 (?) cookies.Yes,I know, this title isn’t perfect, but something like this.
At the beginning I would cut that long dialogue about America (the baby :)) on pages 6-7 and instead of it I would add intercut telephone conversations.Your story takes place only in the restaurant, so intercuts will bring in some variety.I would add scenes where Matt talks to the boss, to his girlfriend and to his mother before&after he learns about winning the contest. Before he’s nice&sweet&gentle. For example, he wants to get some money from his mother and tells her something sweet “Dear mommy, I love you so much, how are you? How’s your leg? No pain? Oh,I’m so glad, I’m so glad, mom!” And then –“ Go fuck yourself”! Of course the dialogue (and the ones with the girlfriend& the boss)should be short, no need to discuss all mom’s problems and diseases.
Also sometimes I would add such intercuts when the other characters talk on the phone.
When Katie talks to police, I would suggest that everybody, not only Jeff, orders something funny&stupid.
Ok,all these are just details. The main thing I want to say is that the scenes when Irene is heavily injured and Katie is shot to death with brain&blood on a wall – IMHO these scenes immensely spoil your funny&amazing story. These seemed like it came out of another movie. I think Irene might collapse just on seeing the gun pointed at her. And the death of Katie shouldn’t be a real death. I would suggest a parody of death, a mockery of death, irony of fate.
I would suggest something like this: http://video.yandex.ru/users/rasputnik1991/view/19/ (84:00- the end of the movie). Here two men fight with swords, and one thrust the sword into the other, and there’s blood, the tragic face of the “dying” man , but then he suddenly realizes that it’s not blood at all. Have a look at it.
So, I would rewrite those two scenes. Also I think it could be a good play. Was it a play? No?
Anyway, thank you for your funny story, good luck and keep writing! Anna. read -
A review of Pride Of Lyons (2012)by aaandronova on 11/28/2012First of all, I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews: 1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I mostly do not write about dialogue and grammar errors. 2. Also I do not write about structure because I have no idea what it is. As I don’t know whether this much talked-about structure is good or bad, I always mark 5 stars and that’s it! 3. I do not write... First of all, I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews:
1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I mostly do not write about dialogue and grammar errors.
2. Also I do not write about structure because I have no idea what it is. As I don’t know whether this much talked-about structure is good or bad, I always mark 5 stars and that’s it!
3. I do not write about format errors because there are plenty of people here who will write to you about them.
I always concentrate on the story itself. I do believe if the story is boring and implausible, neither great dialogue nor perfect formatting can be any help. Quite the opposite, if the story is great, the dialogue can be easily rewritten and proper formatting is done. Now let’s get down to your story.
On reading several pages I wanted to remove the assignment. In Russian we say that it’s избитая история- a beaten story. I don’t know whether a story can be beaten in English :) But the concept looked like a cliche.A prosperous man loses everything. He worked with A-listers, now he works with freaks and takes up any work he can find. Yes, and finally he will get everything and even more back of course.
I don’t know why, but I continued reading and very soon discovered another story- much more interesting and original. I mean the story about two ambitious lawyers and their bet. I know in USA movies about lawyers are very popular. So, I would change the angle and make this the main story.
In the first scene Van goes to work and see, for example, a mother with a child or two children sitting at a table near a street café. The woman tries to feed them, the children don’t want to eat. Here goes Danny dressed as a chicken or a clown or something like this. A few minutes, a little show and the children start eating. Their mother and Van are impressed.
In the next scene we see Van at the office during the conference. But I see Van as a young lawyer, not a partner, as well as Bryce. Their boss speaks about the way of improving the work. Van remembers the scene with the children and suggests to hire a drama teacher.Here goes the bet between Van and Bryce. And the prize is to become a CEO or even a partner.
So, Van brings Danny Lyons and lessons begin. I would suggest to focus on 4-5 trainees, but don’t describe them just as “FLETCHER TRIMBLE, 20s, the world's whitest black man, STAN SPIEGELMAN, DIANE YANG, both 20s”. They should be different types of characters. For example, a sex bomb, a mousy little woman, a macho, a geek and I would add Fletcher-Kwame to them. During the classes these people play the opposite characters and do what they usually don’t do. For example, the mousy little woman has to act as a sex bomb; the sex bomb and the geek who hate each other in the real life have to play a loving couple. And not only play, perhaps they really change!
Also I would suggest when the lawyers follow and watch people across the city to pick a scene, it shouldn’t be just watching, I would add a chase, a misunderstanding or something like that.
Later, I think they shouldn’t perform some ordinary cases. Why don’t they judge/defend Captain Jack Sparrow? Darth Vader?
Then I would replace 5 small cases with 1 but big, important, long, desperate and hopeless. All the lawyers take part in it. And their opponent is a real shark who’s well-known as an unstoppable, successful and unconquerable lawyer. So, it will be a real fight.
And what about Bryce? Bryce tries to put a spoke in the wheel. First he may go to one of the lawyers and try to bribe or seduce him or her. Whether it’s Norman or someone else, we don’t know. We just see Bryce talking to someone. We learn later, at the hearings, who it is and what this person decides to do.
Also Bryce may go to the shark and even give some important documents to him.This adds some complications, Danny’s lawyers are close to losing the case, but finally they will win.
So, now Van is the CEO/partner and Danny gets his own Acting Studio. When he goes there, he sees his lawyers (including the new CEO) naked and covering their privates with Japanese fans :), as you described it. And I would call the movie "Pride of lawyers" :).
Good luck and keep writing! Anna. read
Write a Comment
Submissions by aaandronova
-
a screenplay by aaandronova
She has come a long way from a miserable failure to a prosperous businesswoman. But what was the price?
-
a short film by aaandronova
Grasshopper: I wanna be a movie star!
-
a screenplay by aaandronova
She has come a long way from a miserable failure to a prosperous businesswoman. But what was the price?
Reviews by aaandronova 18
-
A review of Pachelbelby aaandronova on 05/08/2013First of all, I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews: 1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I mostly do not write about dialogue and grammar errors. 2. Also I do not write about structure because I have no idea what it is. As I don’t know whether this much talked-about structure is good or bad, I always mark 5 stars and that’s it! 3. I do not write... First of all, I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews:
1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I mostly do not write about dialogue and grammar errors.
2. Also I do not write about structure because I have no idea what it is. As I don’t know whether this much talked-about structure is good or bad, I always mark 5 stars and that’s it!
3. I do not write about format errors because there are plenty of people here who will write to you about them.
I always concentrate on the story itself. I do believe if the story is boring and implausible, neither great dialogue nor perfect formatting can be any help. Quite the opposite, if the story is great, the dialogue can be easily rewritten and proper formatting is done. Now let’s get down to your story.
Actually, I don’t have much to say.
I like your story. The idea about children who get into a magic kingdom ruled by an evil king isn’t new, but you managed to bring something interesting and original in it. I’m not sure about making a movie, but it’s definitely an interesting novel for children. The movie will be too costly, and as I understand nowadays producers won’t risk to spend a big amount of money on an unknown novel, even if it’s very good. But perhaps it could be an animated film?
But there are some things I would change. First of all, I don’t like the scene where Tommie pees at Bunny :( I don’t understand how it can be filmed and IMHO such scenes are appropriate only for second-rate comedies for adults, not for a tale for children. Perhaps the boy should throw something, a stone at Bunny.
Also I don’t like the scene where Lord Pachelbel talks about eating children.That he used to keep children in the dungeon, so they grew skinny and unhealthy and when it was time to eat them, they tasted terrible, bonny and rubbery. I would prefer him not to eat children at all, but sacrifice them by turning into something , so after his death they can return alive and well.
Then I would suggest to dramatize the plot a bit. Perhaps the children stay there not because their car has been crushed, not so simple, but because nobody knows how to leave the kingdom? They should find the way out themselves. First they learn that the way out is in Pachelbel's castle, then that it's a secret room, which the children have to find. Finally Kippei brings Brookline there, but I think the room&the contract should be guarded,there should be some obstacles,traps,fighting with guards before the children reach the room and get the contract.
Next I would suggest to change all those rats,spiders,horses and other animals in the kingdom into some unusual creatures by adding some unusual features to them ( like you did it with the cow).
And the last thing I'd like to mention is the title. According to the end,where we see the evil boy again,you plan to continue the story.So,perhaps it should be "Lord Pachelbel and his wicked secret" or "the diabolic contract" or something else.So,the next story will be "Lord Pachelbel and..." and so on, like it was with Harry Potter.
And if I were you, I would use my computer to make a part of the animated film myself. Kind of a promo, then post it . Why not? read -
A review of Fortune Cookie (4th Draft)by aaandronova on 12/10/2012First of all, I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews: 1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I mostly do not write about dialogue and grammar errors. 2. Also I do not write about structure because I have no idea what it is. As I don’t know whether this much talked-about structure is good or bad, I always mark 5 stars and that’s it! 3. I do not write... First of all, I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews:
1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I mostly do not write about dialogue and grammar errors.
2. Also I do not write about structure because I have no idea what it is. As I don’t know whether this much talked-about structure is good or bad, I always mark 5 stars and that’s it!
3. I do not write about format errors because there are plenty of people here who will write to you about them.
I always concentrate on the story itself. I do believe if the story is boring and implausible, neither great dialogue nor perfect formatting can be any help. Quite the opposite, if the story is great, the dialogue can be easily rewritten and proper formatting is done. Now let’s get down to your story.
I’ve already seen a movie about fortune cookie (“Freaky Friday”), and I wondered what interesting or new you could bring in it. I should say that I really enjoyed your wonderful and funny story. Great concept. A lot of twists and turns. The characters are well designed. The dialogue is witty and smart. The action descriptions are well done and exciting. But there are a few things I would change.
First of all, I would change the title. The current one looks too ordinary. I would suggest trying something unusual, with twists&turns like your story is. I would suggest something like “One win, one loss, one death,one birth, the baby America&7 fortune cookies”. I believe there were 7 (?) cookies.Yes,I know, this title isn’t perfect, but something like this.
At the beginning I would cut that long dialogue about America (the baby :)) on pages 6-7 and instead of it I would add intercut telephone conversations.Your story takes place only in the restaurant, so intercuts will bring in some variety.I would add scenes where Matt talks to the boss, to his girlfriend and to his mother before&after he learns about winning the contest. Before he’s nice&sweet&gentle. For example, he wants to get some money from his mother and tells her something sweet “Dear mommy, I love you so much, how are you? How’s your leg? No pain? Oh,I’m so glad, I’m so glad, mom!” And then –“ Go fuck yourself”! Of course the dialogue (and the ones with the girlfriend& the boss)should be short, no need to discuss all mom’s problems and diseases.
Also sometimes I would add such intercuts when the other characters talk on the phone.
When Katie talks to police, I would suggest that everybody, not only Jeff, orders something funny&stupid.
Ok,all these are just details. The main thing I want to say is that the scenes when Irene is heavily injured and Katie is shot to death with brain&blood on a wall – IMHO these scenes immensely spoil your funny&amazing story. These seemed like it came out of another movie. I think Irene might collapse just on seeing the gun pointed at her. And the death of Katie shouldn’t be a real death. I would suggest a parody of death, a mockery of death, irony of fate.
I would suggest something like this: http://video.yandex.ru/users/rasputnik1991/view/19/ (84:00- the end of the movie). Here two men fight with swords, and one thrust the sword into the other, and there’s blood, the tragic face of the “dying” man , but then he suddenly realizes that it’s not blood at all. Have a look at it.
So, I would rewrite those two scenes. Also I think it could be a good play. Was it a play? No?
Anyway, thank you for your funny story, good luck and keep writing! Anna. read -
A review of Pride Of Lyons (2012)by aaandronova on 11/28/2012First of all, I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews: 1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I mostly do not write about dialogue and grammar errors. 2. Also I do not write about structure because I have no idea what it is. As I don’t know whether this much talked-about structure is good or bad, I always mark 5 stars and that’s it! 3. I do not write... First of all, I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews:
1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I mostly do not write about dialogue and grammar errors.
2. Also I do not write about structure because I have no idea what it is. As I don’t know whether this much talked-about structure is good or bad, I always mark 5 stars and that’s it!
3. I do not write about format errors because there are plenty of people here who will write to you about them.
I always concentrate on the story itself. I do believe if the story is boring and implausible, neither great dialogue nor perfect formatting can be any help. Quite the opposite, if the story is great, the dialogue can be easily rewritten and proper formatting is done. Now let’s get down to your story.
On reading several pages I wanted to remove the assignment. In Russian we say that it’s избитая история- a beaten story. I don’t know whether a story can be beaten in English :) But the concept looked like a cliche.A prosperous man loses everything. He worked with A-listers, now he works with freaks and takes up any work he can find. Yes, and finally he will get everything and even more back of course.
I don’t know why, but I continued reading and very soon discovered another story- much more interesting and original. I mean the story about two ambitious lawyers and their bet. I know in USA movies about lawyers are very popular. So, I would change the angle and make this the main story.
In the first scene Van goes to work and see, for example, a mother with a child or two children sitting at a table near a street café. The woman tries to feed them, the children don’t want to eat. Here goes Danny dressed as a chicken or a clown or something like this. A few minutes, a little show and the children start eating. Their mother and Van are impressed.
In the next scene we see Van at the office during the conference. But I see Van as a young lawyer, not a partner, as well as Bryce. Their boss speaks about the way of improving the work. Van remembers the scene with the children and suggests to hire a drama teacher.Here goes the bet between Van and Bryce. And the prize is to become a CEO or even a partner.
So, Van brings Danny Lyons and lessons begin. I would suggest to focus on 4-5 trainees, but don’t describe them just as “FLETCHER TRIMBLE, 20s, the world's whitest black man, STAN SPIEGELMAN, DIANE YANG, both 20s”. They should be different types of characters. For example, a sex bomb, a mousy little woman, a macho, a geek and I would add Fletcher-Kwame to them. During the classes these people play the opposite characters and do what they usually don’t do. For example, the mousy little woman has to act as a sex bomb; the sex bomb and the geek who hate each other in the real life have to play a loving couple. And not only play, perhaps they really change!
Also I would suggest when the lawyers follow and watch people across the city to pick a scene, it shouldn’t be just watching, I would add a chase, a misunderstanding or something like that.
Later, I think they shouldn’t perform some ordinary cases. Why don’t they judge/defend Captain Jack Sparrow? Darth Vader?
Then I would replace 5 small cases with 1 but big, important, long, desperate and hopeless. All the lawyers take part in it. And their opponent is a real shark who’s well-known as an unstoppable, successful and unconquerable lawyer. So, it will be a real fight.
And what about Bryce? Bryce tries to put a spoke in the wheel. First he may go to one of the lawyers and try to bribe or seduce him or her. Whether it’s Norman or someone else, we don’t know. We just see Bryce talking to someone. We learn later, at the hearings, who it is and what this person decides to do.
Also Bryce may go to the shark and even give some important documents to him.This adds some complications, Danny’s lawyers are close to losing the case, but finally they will win.
So, now Van is the CEO/partner and Danny gets his own Acting Studio. When he goes there, he sees his lawyers (including the new CEO) naked and covering their privates with Japanese fans :), as you described it. And I would call the movie "Pride of lawyers" :).
Good luck and keep writing! Anna. read -
A review of The Degenerate (2nd draft)by aaandronova on 08/12/2012First of all, I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews: 1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I mostly do not write about dialogue and grammar errors. 2. Also I do not write about structure because I have no idea what it is. As I don’t know whether this much talked-about structure is good or bad, I always mark 5 stars and that’s it! 3. I do not write... First of all, I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews:
1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I mostly do not write about dialogue and grammar errors.
2. Also I do not write about structure because I have no idea what it is. As I don’t know whether this much talked-about structure is good or bad, I always mark 5 stars and that’s it!
3. I do not write about format errors because there are plenty of people here who will write to you about them.
I always concentrate on the story itself. I do believe if the story is boring and implausible, neither great dialogue nor perfect formatting can be any help. Quite the opposite, if the story is great, the dialogue can be easily rewritten and proper formatting is done. Now let’s get down to your story.
About 2 months ago I requested an assignment and got a story about a small boy raped by his teenage brother. I wrote a review and requested another script. This time a small girl was abducted and presumably raped by a man dressed like a priest. I removed it. In the next script a whole family died one by one. Mother&father died first, their daughter ended up with a pair of scissors protruding from her chest and then a pair of scissors protruded from the son’s neck.
So, when I requested one more assignment and in the very first episode ran into floating embryos and a convulsing fetus, I started nervously laughing. But that was just a beginning. I took courage and read about “entrails have slid from her sliced abdomen and lie on a heap at her feet”, about “Her hands——clasped under her bloody breasts——have been sutured together around a rose and her arms have been sutured to her abdomen… Her mouth and eyelids have been sutured shut and blood streams down her cheeks like scarlet tears”. But having read about “An eyeball has been skewered onto the ballerina’s head” (The ballerina here is a small statuette, a part of a music box), I got hysterical!
What’s up?! Some of those stories weren’t bad, not at all. But it seems that Triggerstreet is getting a dark, violent and dangerous street!
Actually, I know why. It’s easy to “kill” somebody and make a story out of it. To write an interesting and catching story about a family or friends or love and without hate, murders, violence isn’t so easy. I know it from my own experience.
On reading the logline and several pages of the script, I thought the story would be this. Maddie starts working in the Holms’ sweetshop. Suddenly one of the girls working with her disappears, then she is found dead. The same with another girl. Fear. Panic. Some people think that doctor Holms is to blame, he’s a cruel maniac. But Maddie doesn’t believe it because Holms saved her from Rory and give her the job. Doctor seems to be a kind and good person to her otherwise Rory seems to be a real bastard. And only at the end they’ll switch. Holms turns out the maniac and Rory saves the girl from him.
Also I had a version that the fetus from the first episode survived (7 months old fetus can survive; besides, I thought if you show this fetus, he will appear some time in the future- otherwise why tell us about him?) was raised by the doctor, became his assistant Charlie or Ben (by the way, there’s no need in both of them, it could be one character) and this Charlie-Ben is the maniac. Something like this.
But I was really disappointed.
Perhaps I’m not right, but I have a feeling that you haven’t had any plot at all, just main characters, a concept and that bunch of stories about Holms’ victims and crimes.
So, you told to yourself:
- Ok, today I should write 5 pages. About whom? Doctor Holms! What shall he do this time? Let it be about the prostitute from Carrie Watson’s bordello.
Then you went to your computer and described the scene.
The next day the same:
- Ok, today I should write another 5 pages. About whom? This time Maddie!
By the way, audience doesn’t like when a character appears, then suddenly disappears, then materializes again out of the blue. If you start telling us about Maddie, go on with her. Instead you leave Maddie to start telling about a bunch of other women- these numerous Minnie, Nettie, Julia, Emmy, Brunette and so on.
Also I would pay more attention to the Maddie-Rory story. The story doesn’t develop. We just see how Rory chasing Maddie everywhere and almost in the end learn that they know each other so well that Maddie is pregnant! If you want the audience to sympathize with them, you should tell more about their love and show it in development.
But the main problem of your script isn’t this. The main problem is the lack of mystery me or somebody else would like to solve. Almost from the very beginning I ‘m very much aware that Holms is a maniac, a degenerate; the question is only how many people he will kill and how. There’s no story I’d like to follow. The script (especially it’s second half) is just an endless row of tortures and murders. What can interest me there? Whether Holms will slice an abdomen next time?! Whether he will tear somebody’s arms and legs?! Whether the ballerina will get the second eyeball?! It’s interesting only for aspiring degenerates, kind of a textbook for them, sorry.
Whether doctor Holms will be caught? But nobody even tries to catch or at least trace him so I could watch:oh, now- now- the policeman – oh, he suspects Holms to be the murderer- yes, he gonna catch him-now-now-oh,no!Holms escaped this time! There’s nothing like this in your script.
Whether Holms will entrap his next victim?But he has no need to entrap because his victims literally jump on him or even help him! He has no need to seduce them or pretend to be a loving man so I could watch and say: oh, no, don’t talk to him,girl!-don’t trust him!-he doesn’t love you!-he just wants to kill you!-no, don’t go out on the date!- don’t kiss him!
By the way, I would make him fall in love with one of his possible victims. And the girl somehow learns about the murders, and Holms must kill her, but this is the last thing he wants to do now. Difficult choice, I just love when a character has to make a choice.
Almost the only thing I love in your script is the dialogue, which is witty and smart. So, if I were a producer, I would meet you and hire to write dialogues. If you promise not to skewer my eyeball onto the ballerina’s head. One is enough for her :) read -
A review of Divine Intervention V.3by aaandronova on 07/25/2012First of all, I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews: 1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I mostly do not write about dialogue and grammar errors. 2. Also I do not write about structure because I have no idea what it is. As I don’t know whether this much talked-about structure is good or bad, I always mark 5 stars and that’s it! 3. I do not write... First of all, I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews:
1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I mostly do not write about dialogue and grammar errors.
2. Also I do not write about structure because I have no idea what it is. As I don’t know whether this much talked-about structure is good or bad, I always mark 5 stars and that’s it!
3. I do not write about format errors because there are plenty of people here who will write to you about them.
I always concentrate on the story itself. I do believe if the story is boring and implausible, neither great dialogue nor perfect formatting can be any help. Quite the opposite, if the story is great, the dialogue can be easily rewritten and proper formatting is done. Now let’s get down to your story.
First,I have a feeling that it was a novel and not a small one. Then you formatted it using Final Draft or something like that, but it's not enough. There are a number of unnecessary descriptions (for example, I don't think a screenwriter should depict in details all the clothing). And also the dialogue sometimes seems to be a bit heavy and like in a book. Here's an example:
VIOLET
May, I would like to be your
friend. In truth, I could use a
friend here, so it is not without
selfishness I say so.
MAY
Well, if you be looking around -
friends be not so plentiful for
Donny and me, so I’ll be taking you
up on your generous offer.
I can't believe that this is young girls are talking. Perhaps I didn't understand- it was a joke?
If your story is about "A whole family killed because of hate and prejudice", I would change only one thing- the beginning.In your script the parents of May and Donny were killed purely by accidents, so if it's about the hate, they, for example, should be burnt in the barn because those boys were told by Rev. Dunsmore to set the barn on fire.
IMHO there are too many violence and killings in the script. I've already written in a review that "One death is a tragedy; one million is a statistic". One death often works better and impresses people more than bunch of deaths. While reading your script with all those violence and death descriptions,all those CLOP,CLOP,SMACK,CRACK,BLOOD CURDLING SCREAMS, I sometimes had a feeling that I was reading a script of a B-Horror movie for teens. Also I was very impressed by a pair of scissors protruding from May's chest and then from Donny's neck:)
The movie isn't cheap, it requires costumes,scenery, and if it's about the hate,murders and deaths, I don't know,but I think it will be hard to sell it.
I would concentrate not on hate, but on the love story, which I like. I would start the script from the scene with Violet coming to the town. From this scene the audience learns that the girl is going to her fiance-doctor Simon Sinclair. For example,she goes by train or a coach and tells this to her fellow-traveler. Then we see Alice, who meets Violet at the station and says that the doctor can't meet her because he was called to a patient badly injured after an accident and urgent treatment is needed. In the next scene we see May and Simon near the burnt barn. From this scene we should learn that there's something between May and the doctor, perhaps they're in love. So, here's the love triangle that has to attract the audience.
And don't tell all the secrets at once! Don't tell that Violet wants to marry another man. She thinks that Simon still loves her and doesn't want to hurt him. Also we do not need to know about Alice's plans; there should be no talking about the marriage, even false.
So,May and Simon love each other. Then that horrible incident happens, May is nearly dying. Then she gets better. Violet sees that May and Simon are in love, so now she can tell her secret and thus make them happy. Everything seems to be fine, May is better and is going to marry Simon. Then another twist-Alice kills May. And only here the audience realizes to their great surprise that the triangle Violet-Simon-May was false, the real triangle is May-Simon-Alice! Alice is kind of a dark horse. So, I would remove the story about the letters. Up to the killing she should look like a kind,good-natured girl, a speechless victim of her monstrous father.
But if I were you, I would let May live and disclose Alice. Perhaps it's a cliche, but people love such cliches and we should please them. If we want our scripts to be sold of course.
I hope, my review isn't killing, I really intended to help and give some ideas. read -
A review of Dylan Robertsby aaandronova on 05/14/2012First of all, I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews: 1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I do not write about dialogue and grammar errors. 2. Also I do not write about structure because I have no idea what it is. As I don’t know whether this much talked-about structure is good or bad, I always mark 5 stars and that’s it! 3. I do not write about... First of all, I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews:
1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I do not write about dialogue and grammar errors.
2. Also I do not write about structure because I have no idea what it is. As I don’t know whether this much talked-about structure is good or bad, I always mark 5 stars and that’s it!
3. I do not write about format errors because there are plenty of people here who will write to you about them.
I always concentrate on a story. I do believe if the story is boring and implausible, neither great dialogue nor perfect formatting can be any help. Quite the opposite, if the story is great, the dialogue can be easily rewritten and proper formatting is done. Now let’s get down to your story.
Strong points (IMHO):
1. I like your main character. I like characters (and real people) who don’t give up, but struggle for their ideals.
2.There are a number of really funny scenes like the scene in comedy club on pages 19-20.
3. I like the concept. It could be a good basis for all kinds of stories.
When I was reading about the cemetery and then about the basement, I thought that if the basement was put in this cemetery, it could be a nice horror movie.
Also it would be a nice thriller if you didn’t tell that Dylan was alive, so the audience would find out this only at the end. He doesn’t agree with the manager, then he commits suicide, then all this madness about him starts, Rachel and the policeman investigate the case and the thriller would be mostly about the investigation.
And finally I see it as a drama. You show how the band struggles to advance in popularity; the first success; then the manager wants to change them and their music; Dylan is against it; everybody and everything are against him; he is tired and disappointed, he doesn’t want to live any longer; Dylan’s brother convinces him that there’s another way to solve the problem. What if Dylan just fakes his own suicide and then has a rest and then starts a new life somewhere else? Dylan agrees, but his “death” unexpectedly makes him and his music famous and also he realizes that he doesn’t want to lose Rachel. What will he choose? Will he “resurrect”?
Weak points (IMHO):
1. The title. I think somebody’s name as a title is good only when the story is a biopic of a real celebrity. The title doesn't tell me anything about the story or characters. Who is this Dylan Roberts? Why should I watch the film?
2. I got a bit mixed up and confused with all these flashbacks, 7, 9, 14 months ago, one year later, flashforward, return to scene, series of shots. But perhaps on the screen it won’t be a problem.
3.Also there are a number of things in the script I didn’t quite understand. For example:
- The band (as you portray it)is rather popular. They are not a new band which nobody knows.Then why RecExec refuses Dylan, so he has nothing to do but go to streets? I’ ve never heard George Harrison took part in street perfomances after the Beatles split up :)
-page 6. A tape recorder?! Where did she get it?!
- The cause of the fake suicide isn’t convincing for me. IMHO there are only 2 reasons for a fake suicide which are to hide from somebody and to start a new life somewhere else. Is the “small release” worth this? Especially in our age of Youtube and other sites where you can post all kinds of stuff .
- Some excessive information in descriptions. For example, page 35. “Police Inspector PAUL AUSTER (30s), ruggedly handsome, and his not-so-handsome partner DAVE (30s) flash their badges”. Why do we need to know that Paul is “ruggely handsome” and Dave is “not-so-handsome”? Does it mean something? What does this add to the story or to the characters?
-Also I don’t find convincing the way Rachel learns that Dylan is alive on page 56. If I’m saying that Leo Tolstoy IS a great writer , it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s alive at this very moment. He was, is and will be a great writer.
4. Not enough action, especially in the second part of the SP, where Dylan is mostly watching TV and quarrelling with his brother Tom and Tom is fighting with paparazzi, attending shows and quarrelling with Dylan. It was a bit boring, I would say. So, I would suggest adding some action and tension. Dylan was kicked out of his own band. He’s so hurt and angry and unhappy that he decides to commit a suicide, a real suicide. His brother Tom learns about it and (trying to save Dylan) suggests faking the suicide, then going somewhere else and begining a new life. They start preparations, perhaps make a video address to Dylan’s fans and so one. Not all goes well; there must be some obstacles here, once their plan is nearly disclosed. After Dylan’s “ suicide” two persons found out that he’s alive- the policeman and Rachel. Which of them will find him first? The policeman to blackmail or the loving girl to save and support?
But speaking the truth, I think it would be better if you took the biography of a dead celebrity, used some characters, scenes, ideas from this script and made up a story about a singer who fakes his own death. Sorry, it changes your concept completely, but imagine how producers and viewers will jump after reading the logline “MICHAEL JACKSON IS ALIVE!” read -
A review of Hero for a day ltdby aaandronova on 03/03/2012Judging by your name you’re a Finn. You use Swedish in your script, so perhaps you live in Sweden, where there’s a large Finnish community. And I’m your Russian neighbour. First of all I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews: 1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I do not write about grammar errors (even if there are some ). There are lots of English-speaking... Judging by your name you’re a Finn. You use Swedish in your script, so perhaps you live in Sweden, where there’s a large Finnish community. And I’m your Russian neighbour.
First of all I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews:
1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I do not write about grammar errors (even if there are some ). There are lots of English-speaking members here, so let’s leave it to them.
2. Also I do not write about structure because I have no idea what it is. As I don’t know whether this much talked-about structure is good or bad, I always mark 5 stars and that’s it!
3. I do not write about format errors because there are plenty of people here who will write to you about them.
I always concentrate on the story itself. I do believe if the story is boring and implausible, neither great dialogue nor perfect formatting can be any help. Quite the opposite, if the story is great, the dialogue can be easily rewritten and proper formatting is done. Now let’s get down to the story.
The story of a journalist (Will) writing an article about nowadays heros and discovering a firm that can help anybody to become a hero is interesting and can be a good basis and not only for drama\mystery, but also for a comedy. I thought your Will would try to disclosure the firm and the fake heros. You chose another way. The firm falls a victim to a swindler committing an insurance fraud. They create a story of a guy who saves himself from fire, and the guy, Carl, uses the fire to burn his property and then get the insurance . So, Will decides to expose him. Ok, also an interesting version of the story.
Also I liked the way you arranged the credits on page 3 and in the end, and the title is just perfect!
Now what I would change.
1. The first episode. I think there must be something more interesting and capturing the audience than the stolen bag. For example:
A house on fire. A pretty young girl is trapped and cries for help. The people near the house are just watching in horror, but can’t do anything. At last one man runs to the house, but a big piece of burning stuff falls down and the man has to retreat. It seems nobody can help the girl, she gonna die. Suddenly another man is seen in the house. He tries to reach the girl, and finally the girl is saved by him. The people applaud.
Later Will will find out that the house was condemned and abandoned; the girl is a stunt woman and it’s not clear what she was doing in the house and how she got there; also not clear how her savior got inside.
Stolen bags and saved cats are good for comedies (especially if the cat pisses on the savior :)). For drama I would choose something more serious.
2. The dialogue. Since I’m not a native English speaker, I usually don’t write about dialogue. I’m not the queen of dialogue myself, but reading the script I got a feeling that something is wrong with the dialogue. The dialogues seem to be a bit heavy and artificial in spite of using some slang and informal words. For example, I’m not sure whether “I need to prioritize the finalizing…” sounds good for spoken English.
3. An excessive amount of scenes that don’t reveal much and add nothing to the story especially from page 70. For example, the “LA TIMES OFFICE – EVENING” scene on pages 20-21. Is there really any need to explain to a journalist and even to the audience what a collage is? Also , for example, the scenes on pages 70-71 with Joachim and Carl, the scene on pages 80- 81 with Joanne, all the dialogues about the second part of the article, the scene in the tram on pages 63-64 could be easily removed. All the time when Daniel gives Will advice or explains something to him it looks like Will is a schoolboy and Daniel is his teacher.
4. The action descriptions. Right after the credits, on page 4, we see Will raising a coffee cup; on page 5-8 Daniel and Will are drinking beer while talking; on page 9 Joachim “is enjoying a can of energy drink”; on page 13 a lady hands to Will and Carl “recyclable coffee mugs”; on pages 23-26 Will and Joachim are eating sushi and we learn that Joachim seems to be a pro in eating with sticks and Will isn’t.On page 28 Will and Daniel drink coffee again and Will sips carefully, Daniel sips fast. On page 33 Daniel “takes getting few mugs of coffee as his first task”. So, when I read page 35 where Will offers Greta … yes, yes, the same good old cup of coffee, I cried out! Look, they all gonna suffer from high blood pressure! Personally I think that screenwriters should describe only main actions like somebody going in, going out, fighting, kissing, shooting and so on. But if characters are just talking , it should be up to the director whether they are sipping coffee or picking their noses while talking ;) I suppose our holy “how to” books, which I’ve never read, say that all the action must be written in details by screenwriters. So, you have to invent something to save your main characters from hypertensia ;)
5. Also I don’t understand:
why the company hires the same actress for their events . They know that the events will be filmed, and somebody can notice the same person in different videos. I hope there’s more than one actress in LA ;)
why Will decides to help Anthony and disclosure Carl? He don’t know them both. I felt a bit more background and reason for this is necessary.
why Carl acts like a small child at the end? I don’t believe an adult smart man can behave so foolishly unless he’s drunk. But in this case how Will and his friends could know that Carl would be drunk and react to their little show in the right way?
6.Overall. From my point of view the story should be this. Will has the task to write an article about nowadays heros. Will meets with some of these heroes. Suddenly he detects somebody spying on him. Then somebody breaks into his home. All these look like one of the heros doesn’t want Will to investigate the case and tries to stop him. Watching the videos Will notices the same woman among bystanders in the different videos. He finds this woman. She’s not the actress, it’s Anita who organizes all these events, so she has to be there. That’s how Will finds the company that offers the “hero service”. Then Will meets Anthony and learns about Carl and the insurance fraud. So, it is Carl who wants to stop Will. Anthony tells Will that there’s a video or an audio exposing Carl. Now Will has to get it. And in the end this video/audio will be shown at the VIP party in the night club.
That’s all, good luck and keep writing,
Anna. read -
A review of THE MAFIA TYPEby aaandronova on 02/14/2012Sometimes I asked myself why do people shoot short films? Short films aren’t shown in movie theatres, so the authors can’t make any profit or at least get their money back. Yes, some people shoot a short film as a graduation exam in a film school (#1); some (like me) got several funny shots, so why don’t put them together, edit, add humorous comments and post somewhere... Sometimes I asked myself why do people shoot short films? Short films aren’t shown in movie theatres, so the authors can’t make any profit or at least get their money back. Yes, some people shoot a short film as a graduation exam in a film school (#1); some (like me) got several funny shots, so why don’t put them together, edit, add humorous comments and post somewhere (#2)? And if it’s not #1, #2 or Jameson First Shot, what all these short films are made for?
I think they are made as a first step in a career ladder. A director of a short movie kind of wants to say: “Hi! I’m a promising, aspiring director! Hey, producers! Where are you? Look at me! I’m here! I’m coming! Damn! I’m talented! I’m f*cking talanted! Give me a job! Halloooooooo…..”
There are lots of versions of 9/11 events. For example, the collapse of the World Trade Center was the result of a controlled demolition rather than structural failure due to fire, and all these were organized by the U.S.government. And in a short film somebody gives another thrilling and sensational version- Twin Towers were blown up by Hollywood producers in order to tell this story in their future movies and to get all these Oscars and Golden Globes for this. Ok,ok, perhaps the joke is a bit rude, I’m just trying to explain that there must be something exciting, unusual, even sensational, “I know who really” in a short film. The plot, the story, the acting, the way the film is shot or better all these. So that not you but producers say: “Oh, what a promising, aspiring director! Where are you? Look at us! We’re here! We’re coming! Damn!You’re talented! You’re f*cking talanted! We’ll give you the job! Hallooooooo….”
Does your film have this “I know who really”? No. But! The story is quite interesting and has potential (IMHO) to become a basis for something bigger like a full-length film or a TV serial. You just chose the wrong genre. I don’t see it as “action,crime,drama”. I think it could be a nice romantic comedy about a widower and his daughter. The man is an actor. He dreams about leading roles, but is offered to play only supporting ones. He’s kind, nice, good-natured, but because of his appearance he’s doomed to play Mafiosi, maniacs or vampires. He wants to meet a good girl, but meets only bitches. Because the man is kind and a bit muddler, some funny and ridiculous things (like in your film) always happen to him. But finally he’ll get a leading role or a good girl. No, better both. No, better a leading role and 5 good girls. Or 10 leading roles and 10 good girls :) Anyway-
Good luck and keep writing,acting,directing,teaching an so on! read -
A review of The Matchmaker Poetby aaandronova on 12/28/2011First of all I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews: 1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I do not write about dialogue and grammar errors. I think you’re not a native English speaker either, and there are some grammar errors in your script. I’m not sure whether a road can be “dirt” (perhaps only dirty); whether a cup of coffee can “sit” on a table... First of all I ‘d like to mention what I do not write about in my reviews:
1. Since I am not a native English speaker, I do not write about dialogue and grammar errors. I think you’re not a native English speaker either, and there are some grammar errors in your script. I’m not sure whether a road can be “dirt” (perhaps only dirty); whether a cup of coffee can “sit” on a table and so on. Anyway there are lots of English-speaking members here, so let’s leave it to them.
2. Also I do not write about structure because I have no idea what it is. As I don’t know whether this much talked-about structure is good or bad, I always mark 5 stars and that’s it!
3. I do not write about format errors because there are plenty of people here who will write to you about them.
I always concentrate on the story itself. I do believe if the story is boring and implausible, neither great dialogue nor perfect formatting can be any help. Quite the opposite, if the story is great, the dialogue can be easily rewritten and proper formatting is done. Now let’s get down to the story.
I liked the beginning very much. It resembles “One hundred years of solitude” by Marquez. But then the story resembles a patchwork quilt- too many characters, too many flashbacks, too many stories. I think you intended to create something epic like “Gone with the wind”. Sorry, you’ve failed. I was touched only by the story of Pablo and Isla. This is a great love story and I would concentrate on it. It is very poetic. When I start watching a romantic movie, I know for sure there will be a scene where main characters are kissing with that awful smacking sounds, so one may think in the room besides the lovers there are a dozen pigs chewing something. And for sure there’ll be another kissing scene where the man kisses the woman as if he’s going to eat her face off. Your story is far apart and that’s great.
Now what I would do if I were you.
1. I would leave only 1925\1926\1929\1950 scenes and remove all the others. Sarah and Mateo appear only in these episodes. Concentrate on Pablo and Isla! No 1885 and other flashbacks!
2. The Governor pursues Pablo only because he read a small newspaper article about a love affair between his wife Emilia and Pablo? Am I right? And only because of this article Pablo has to run away from government officials and hide in the Andes Mountains? So, I’d insert two episodes before government officials go for Pablo. In the first episode the governor throws the newspaper at his wife and says he gonna kill them both, so we see the governor is a kind of psycho. Then the governor goes to Pablo, starts a quarrel, tries to beat him. In attempt to defend himself Pablo injures the governor. And that is a serious crime, so Pablo now must run. In the Andes, at night, waiting for his guides he sees young Isla and his reminiscences of his youth begin. Then he goes to Macondo and meets real Isla. And all these PAPER AND PENCIL SKETCH MISE-EN-SCENEs should be about their youth. Meanwhile (not in the end of the script!) Emilia tries to escape from her husband and his people. When I read about the hot air balloon she uses to escape I was kind of bowled out. A hot air balloon is great for comedies and adventure stories, but not for drama. I would rewrite this scene. For example, Emilia pretends to be ill. Her friends go to her as a doctor and a nurse and say she needs to go to hospital. This episode could be quite thrilling. Will the governer believe them and let his wife go? Will he chase her after discovering the truth? Then Emilia also goes to Macondo, and Pablo has to make a choice. I just love when a protagonist has to make a choice. But perhaps this will be another story.
3. I would also remove all the revolution episodes. I know what a revolution is. In Moscow I live near our Russian White House. I saw the violent events in Moscow on October 3-4, 1993. I was young and curious and went out to see what was going on. There was a sniper on a roof who started firing at us. I hid behind a kiosk. The sniper seemed to stop, but very soon something exploded, then I heard a loud gunfire very close to me. I was lucky to escape unlike almost 150 people, most of them also young and curious. Sorry, what you described in your script is a cliche from american movies about getting to democracy.
And all my suggestions reduce the cost of production the movie. Will a producer make an expensive movie based on a script written by a beginning screenwriter? I doubt. If I were a producer, I wouldn’t. But I would risk if the story was interesting but not expensive. And we all here are like beginners. Producers don’t know us. Nobody knows us. So, to start with, we have to write something interesting but low-budget and go to independent studios. It’ s my opinion. And also I would suggest you try to promote your screenplay in your own country. I got a feeling that the language in the screenplay is very poetic and unusual, but many things were lost in translation.
Anyway, good luck and keep writing. read -
A review of The Narrow Pathby aaandronova on 12/15/2011Before reading your script I had a look at your account and found out your last login 07/20/2011. So, it seems you’re not looking forward to a new review. I think you do not read them at all. You posted the script in hopes that a producer or a director will read and buy it… Actually I do not read reviews either. I keep telling myself that I am the only real genius here... Before reading your script I had a look at your account and found out your last login 07/20/2011. So, it seems you’re not looking forward to a new review. I think you do not read them at all. You posted the script in hopes that a producer or a director will read and buy it… Actually I do not read reviews either. I keep telling myself that I am the only real genius here and all the others are just a bunch of stupid idiots who know nothing about the fine art of writing scripts :) Of course it’s a joke, but the truth is I read the first two reviews. I received a lot of destructive criticism and not a word about how I could improve my screenplay. So, I stopped reading, but keep writing yet. And in my review there won’t be any criticism, just helpful (I hope) suggestions.
I was fascinated by the very first scene. I saw the creation of the universe and heard some solemn music. So, the beginning is great. And the script is quite interesting, but there are a few things I would change.
First, I would change the synopsis. “An atheist scientist, about to create a miniture Big-Bang, is spoken to by God and told that his machine will instead birth a devastating blackhole” does not stimulate interest, but gives away all the secrets of the script. “ An atheist scientist, about to create a miniture Big-Bang, is spoken to by someone who calls himself God and told that his machine will instead birth a devastating blackhole. Was it really God? Did he tell the truth? Will the scientist follow his advice?” provides both a synopsis of the film's plot, and an emotional “hook” to stimulate interest.
Secondly, I think your main character, Aaron Brinkley, has too many antagonists: Jack Hawkings, Razel, the cockney man. I would reduce their number. Razel and Aaron fight for the right to plant a bomb and destroy the machine? Perhaps I misunderstood something? Usually one character wants to plant a bomb and another character tries to prevent it and it’s logical. Couldn’t Razel and Aaron cooperate?
Anyway, from my point of view, the best antagonist of Aaron Brinkley is… Aaron Brinkley! I would change this character a bit. I see him as a very ambitious scientist, young but well-known all over the world because of his bold experiments. Newspapers call him “a new Einstein”, journalists stand in a queue for interviews; students stand in a queue for his autographs; girls stand in a queue (not for interviews or autographs) :) . The new experiment, a miniture Big-Bang, gonna be his greatest success and bring him the Nobel Prize. And suddenly, out of the blue, something strange has happened in DIOS COLLIDER COMPUTER CONTROL ROOM. “The lights go out. The screen goes white. A single black line crosses the screen horizontally. Down the middle.The line vibrates, like an oscilloscope, with the sound of the Voice.” and so on like on pages 12- 13, 27. Of course Aaron doesn’t believe that it was God. Perhaps there’s a colleague who envies the young scientist and wants to stop him. So, it could be his doing. But then we see the white space scene on page 26 which can’t be arranged by man. What was it? Is Aaron overworked? Under stress? Hallucinated? And when the danger of the experiment proves to be true, Aaron must make the hardest choice he has ever had to make. Should he continue the experiment ? Or stop when he is one step away from achieving his dream?
Finally, if I were a producer, I wouldn’t buy your script. The film is obviously not a low-budget indie movie. It’s a blockbuster. So, as a producer I want my money back, I want to make a profit. Will people pay to see a movie where the main character dies? Not sure, not sure. Everybody loves a happy ending. And if the movie has wide popular appeal and financial success, I want to make 10-20 sequels. Ok,ok, 3-4 will do. So, the main characters should stay alive. Moreover, at the end of the movie you must drop a hint that Uriel and the Collider could be rebuilt. No matter by whom- muslim terrorists, mad scientists or Vladimir Putin :). Producer’s motto is “The show must go on!”
So, good luck, keep writing. And reading.
read
Comments About aaandronova 16
-
William Mandell on 11/29/2012
Hello,
I don't have any plans to post a new draft of Fortune Cookie in the near future. I am currently working on other projects. So if your review takes more time, no problem. Thanks!
aaandronova wrote:Hi!
My assignment is your "Fortune Cookie (4th Draft)".I'm not an English native speaker , so it'll take 1-2 weeks to read&analyze your script, sorry. I just want to ask- you are not going to delete this script in order to post 5-6-7th draft, are you :)??? Because it's kind of disappointing when I do the work just to find out that the script has been deleted :(((((
-
David Muhlfelder on 11/29/2012
I don't care if you don't like my story. Not everyone has the same tastes. But your suggestions have nothing to do with the story I am telling, so it doesn't help me improve it. When I review, whether I like the story or not, I try to base my comments on the story the writer presents, not tell him to write the story I want him to tell. And the fact that you told me to change the title suggests you didn't even understand what it meant. As for creativity, we all strive to be creative, but unless you know how to shape it into a cohesive structure it's just free floating ideas. -
David Muhlfelder on 11/28/2012
I appreciate your taking the time to read and review Pride of Lyons. However, your job as a reviewer is to review the story you were given, not rewrite it into the story you would rather see. That is unhelpful as I have no intention of changing the focus of the story to what you think it should be about. I would suggest you read Neil MacClennan's review of my script as an example of how to write a constructive review with usable notes for future drafts. I would also respectfully suggest you learn about structure as it is central to the screenwriting process. -
Kristy Sumner on 08/15/2012
Thank you for taking the time to review "The Degenerate". The archaic language has to be a tough read, when English is your second language. Your comments will be helpful during the rewrite. Good luck with your own work! -
DebraSwan on 07/25/2012
aaandronova wrote:It's credited.
Sorry,my bad. When I read it, it showed up as un-credited. I guess it takes the system a little while to click in. We happened to have been on line at the same time when I saw it, so you must have just uploaded it shortly before.
At any rate, my thanks. :o)
Debra -
DebraSwan on 07/25/2012
Thanks for the review of Divine Intervention. I noticed it isn't a credited review, so it is either a freewill or you had trouble with the test - either way, I certainly thank you for taking the time and making comments.
Cheers,
Debra -
happywash on 07/03/2012
Thank you for taking the time to read my script. I delete them when I get what I need from Triggeerstreet. I have done re-writes of the script. No reason to keep old scripts up on the site.
Once again, I thank you for your review.
Will -
AndrewAlderete on 03/26/2012
Again, reviews will not support images or animated gifs of any kind. Thank you! -
AndrewAlderete on 03/25/2012
Unfortunately you can't use animated gifs in your reviews. It does not support html. -
Revale on 01/10/2012
Dear aaandronova, please do not abandon us. I like reading your posts and you make some good points. I think sometimes the moderators over-react but you should not take that personally. They have yelled at me many times, but I'm not going away that easily.
Write a Comment
Browse:
Copyright © 2001-2013 Trigger Street Labs. All Rights Reserved.
Comments About aaandronova 16
-
Quote
Hello,
aaandronova wrote:
Hi!
-
Quote
I don't care if you don't like my story. Not everyone has the same tastes. But your suggestions have nothing to do with the story I am telling, so it doesn't help me improve it. When I review, whether I like the story or not, I try to base my comments on the story the writer presents, not tell him to write the story I want him to tell. And the fact that you told me to change the title suggests you didn't even understand what it meant. As for creativity, we all strive to be creative, but unless you know how to shape it into a cohesive structure it's just free floating ideas.
-
Quote
I appreciate your taking the time to read and review Pride of Lyons. However, your job as a reviewer is to review the story you were given, not rewrite it into the story you would rather see. That is unhelpful as I have no intention of changing the focus of the story to what you think it should be about. I would suggest you read Neil MacClennan's review of my script as an example of how to write a constructive review with usable notes for future drafts. I would also respectfully suggest you learn about structure as it is central to the screenwriting process.
+ more commentsWilliam Mandell on 11/29/2012
I don't have any plans to post a new draft of Fortune Cookie in the near future. I am currently working on other projects. So if your review takes more time, no problem. Thanks!
My assignment is your "Fortune Cookie (4th Draft)".I'm not an English native speaker , so it'll take 1-2 weeks to read&analyze your script, sorry. I just want to ask- you are not going to delete this script in order to post 5-6-7th draft, are you :)??? Because it's kind of disappointing when I do the work just to find out that the script has been deleted :(((((
David Muhlfelder on 11/29/2012
David Muhlfelder on 11/28/2012