alexsinesi

A review of 25 to Life

by alexsinesi on 07/10/2011

Having just turned 25 myself and being an aspiring writer, I really identified with your protagonist here. I think all my friends are really grappling with these same issues, and you have a good handle on the confusion and heartache associated with this time. Even so, and believe me, I hate to type this, I just don't think this is a movie. Is it a nice character sketch? Sure... Having just turned 25 myself and being an aspiring writer, I really identified with your protagonist here. I think all my friends are really grappling with these same issues, and you have a good handle on the confusion and heartache associated with this time. Even so, and believe me, I hate to type this, I just don't think this is a movie. Is it a nice character sketch? Sure. Does this character have the depth and appeal to be the lead of a movie? I'd say so. But is this script something that would translate into a compelling two hours of screen time? There, I fear the answer is no. There just isn't enough story here -- the protagonist isn't really motivated toward any particular action, and he doesn't change enough over the course of the story. Now, he doesn't have to get caught up in an alien invasion, but he has to have some sort of conflict incited and brought to a climax naturally over the course of your script. As is, the whole thing is really just an exercise in verbalizing psychology. While much of the dialogue sounds natural and realistic, it's almost purely expository -- people telling us how they feel rather than emoting in the context of dramatic events. Also, despite the quality of the words and phrasing of that dialogue, it tends to get delivered in huge blocks of text. Usually, you only see about one lengthy soliloquy in an entire script, but you have one on almost every page! It quickly became difficult to read. You're a good writer, and I don't want to discourage you, but I think you need to save your favorite bits from this script for your next project and just scrap the whole thing. I don't think it would be worth re-writing, because it's a work with a singular purpose -- shoehorning a bit of plot into it would feel contrived, and take away from the product as much as it would help. I would say brainstorm on a new concept, get that one off the ground, and then introduce into it Michael and some of these other characters you have developed so well. Good luck.

My individual ratings, as you requested.

Concept: Below Average
Characters: Good
Dialogue: Average
Story: Below Average
Structure: Below Average
Overall: Average read

Cupid Hath Pulled Back His Sweetheart's Bow

A review of Cupid Walsh and the Infernal Menace

by alexsinesi on 07/10/2011

You have a really awesome concept here, it reminded me in the best possible way of Percy Jackson and other YA fantasy material. This universe definitely has franchise potential. The script itself though, could use another thorough polish. It was a bit of a tough read -- description, whether it was in action or dialogue scenes, felt overwritten and generally slowed the pace... read

Bride of Mechwarrior

A review of EARTHSHAKERS

by alexsinesi on 07/07/2011

This was the most original script I've read on Triggerstreet so far -- a fantastic concept, an awesome piece of sci-fi, and most surprisingly of all, a moving story. Here are a few suggestions should you choose to make another draft, just some broad ideas that you can of course take or leave, but I think they would take the script to the next level, and maybe even give it a... This was the most original script I've read on Triggerstreet so far -- a fantastic concept, an awesome piece of sci-fi, and most surprisingly of all, a moving story. Here are a few suggestions should you choose to make another draft, just some broad ideas that you can of course take or leave, but I think they would take the script to the next level, and maybe even give it a bit more commercial appeal:

First and foremost, I think KT-7 should be redesigned slightly to act as a stronger foil to Jon. Her language is somewhat looser, her knowledge of the world and of human beings seems to be broader, but I think you should really push her sense of individuality. If she had a singular name and was not an iteration, and you took almost all technical/military speak out of her dialogue and made her truly earthy and passionate, I think it would really help develop the emotional side of this story even further, and maybe open the script up more to people who aren't necessarily sci-fi fans. Since the level of violence already suggests an R-rating, I think it would be great if she used modern profanity, especially with Jon struggling to understand these 'colorful metaphors' a la Star Trek IV. Her character is already leaning in this direction, but the whole time I read, I wanted you to take it even further. The scene where she plugged into a fallen comrade's skull and retrieved his memories felt very de-humanizing and better suited to Jon. Seeing more of her grief over her fallen comrades, even if its just a small private moment, would be a nice alternative. Also, her talk of honor and glory is a very effective counterpoint to Jon's objective based thinking about warfare, I think you could stand to accentuate that, and maybe work it a bit more into a cultural context.

I think you mention the Neutral Zone far too late in the script, it would be better to introduce it at the midpoint (at the very latest) and have it become the objective that Jon and KT are working toward.

There are too many scenes with the Mother unit on her own, making repairs, arguing with her subordinate functions, etc. These drag somewhat on the page, but I feel like onscreen they would be especially dull and repetitive. Besides, we understand right away that Mother is searching for Jon, and if in act 2 we were given a little time to maybe forget about her, then her attack late in the script would be even more effective.

The first five pages, such a critical span in the eyes of a potential reader, need quite a bit of work. It's a challenging section, as you introduce a ton of stuff in very curt language. You tend to assign multiple names to the same piece of technology or character, which can be very confusing. Stick to one short designation. Also, you don't really give us a clear visual idea of what the earthshakers or the mini-tanks look like. Try and think of a pithy, single sentence, perhaps a simile, that will give us a mental image of these crucial characters. Also, you have a lot of typos on these pages -- remember, it's "sees" not "see's", for example.

My last suggestion would be to combine the fight with mother at the bridge with the final stand against the earthshaker. It seemed weird and convenient that she would pop up even more heavily armed right before the final battle, and the fact that Jon seemingly destroyed her with the Runner and felt no remorse about it at all seemed really out of character. I would have her corner them at that moment, perhaps by destroying the bridge, but then divert her attention to attacking the Bellerephon to ensure Jon's survivial. Definitely keep Jon's speech about finding a mate and being strong from their second encounter, that was a highlight of the script for me. Also, after the battle, it would be nice to see KT and Jon actually reach the Neutral Zone, and perhaps meet some other human characters.

Anyway, I hope some of these ideas help, or at least aren't too annoying or discouraging. Thanks for a terrific read. read

The Current

A review of The Current

by alexsinesi on 07/06/2011

This is an exceedingly well-written script. It's always refreshing to find a few lyrical touches worked into a script's action lines, and they don't for a minute detract from your excellent pacing. As you get into the second act, this becomes an incredibly brutal torture-fest, and I admired its uncompromising vision throughout, although I think it shares a general weakness... This is an exceedingly well-written script. It's always refreshing to find a few lyrical touches worked into a script's action lines, and they don't for a minute detract from your excellent pacing. As you get into the second act, this becomes an incredibly brutal torture-fest, and I admired its uncompromising vision throughout, although I think it shares a general weakness of the genre in that its violence ultimately has a numbing effect -- because the second act peaks early and the protagonist is left in an essentially hopeless position. I got this feeling around page 65, the montage there felt like the pinnacle of the violence, nothing else could be shocking after that point, but you quickly transitioned to the vengeful action segment, and the rest of the script passed by at a lightning-quick pace. You had tons of imaginative detail throughout, characters were solid and their dialogue felt distinct and realistic. One exception for me was Marnie's final line in the police station on p. 35, screaming "You're all blind!" It worked when she said it before, but I think the scene should end on "Fuck you all!" it seems like a more natural expression of rage. While I like the touches of the supernatural at times, at others I thought you were milking it a bit too much. It would really be more effective, I think, if we only got it from Marnie's perspective, as when she finds the knife in the pool and gains some closure at the end. Leonard's visions, of his mother and of the vengeful ghosts, were less effective, with the mother in particular coming off as a serial killer cliche. He and Sheldon are fascinating as is, neither requires any backstory. Really, that's about it for notes, though. The film felt very well fleshed-out before you moved into the captivity scenes, excellent job there -- nothing about it felt like a excuse to push us into a torture situation. I rooted for Marnie, I enjoyed Leonard and Sheldon despite how disgusting they were -- the fact that they reveled in their own despicable natures was a great strength to the script, and overall, I think it was a very effective piece of work. Being something of a gorehound myself, it's not often that I find myself truly grossed out by a movie (let alone a screenplay) but this one made me want to puke, and I think that's the highest compliment I could possibly give it. Well done. read

Hollywood Undead

A review of How I Became A Gambling Man

by alexsinesi on 07/03/2011

There's actually a pretty funny satire here that doesn't fully emerge until the last third of the script. The first act and the beginning of the second are a slog to get through. While your descriptions were terse (almost too terse, as noted below), the pace of the story felt off until about 60 pages in. Before the real zombie action breaks out, there's simply nothing to carry... read

Caught in a Bad Romance

A review of Fireflies and Roman Candles

by alexsinesi on 07/02/2011

This is a really beautiful script. The last twenty pages in particular had me in awe. The ending is a perfect little punchline, and also very moving. The concept is wonderful, the characters are distinct and well-drawn, and I really like how everyone gets an arc through the story, even if it's a small one. I felt a little cheated we didn't get to see what happened to Mitchell... This is a really beautiful script. The last twenty pages in particular had me in awe. The ending is a perfect little punchline, and also very moving. The concept is wonderful, the characters are distinct and well-drawn, and I really like how everyone gets an arc through the story, even if it's a small one. I felt a little cheated we didn't get to see what happened to Mitchell though, a little extra scene before the end would be great. I don't really have many notes, just a few things to sharpen up toward the beginning. I felt that the description was a little heavy in the first ten pages, I had some trouble getting into it, but after that it got considerably tighter and I blasted through the rest of it. Try cutting out every description of what someone is wearing, you really don't need any of it. The first page was also very confusing, I didn't understand the context of the sound effects and it didn't pull me into the scene. Try simplifying it to just a few images. You have quite a bit of authorial commentary in the action lines, which I'm not totally adverse to, but here it tends to hurt more than it helps. The name "Ricky the stupid fucking pool manager" is way too much, it gets annoying to read and his behavior totally shows us that anyway. Plus, in his first appearance on pg. 2, he seems totally normal, so the overwrought name comes across as extra jarring. Pg. 11 "stupid looking indie kids" also sounded wrong, just say they're hipsters, and people can draw their own judgments. My last suggestion is to cut the conversation on 16-17 entirely. Mitchell drops into their lives totally unprovoked, as it should be, and it makes sense that Finn would see the kid as a way to make himself whole, but you telegraph this random event as a plot point with their conversation about getting a kid. It's also a rare moment where their dialogue together seemed on the nose -- attacking a problem in an exposition-y way instead of talking around it like real people do. Just cut it, the subtext is there anyway. But yeah, with a little act 1 tightening, I think this will really be perfect. I'd hate to think someone might set it down in the first few pages because it really builds to a lovely ending. One last thing, the title to me is a little overly lyrical and unwieldy, maybe try just "Roman Candles?" It sounds cleaner to me, but I understand if you want to preserve the importance of both metaphors. Again, a really exceptional, moving piece of work. Congratulations. read

In the Mouth Of Pre-Teen Madness

A review of Mr Hamilton's Bookshop

by alexsinesi on 06/20/2011

This is a fantastically imaginative piece of writing, kudos to you there. The children who populate the story are charming and fascinating. There's intrigue and redemption, and a great high-concept at the center of the tale. Perhaps because it functions so strongly as an ode to the joys of reading, your work often feels more like literature than screenwriting. The problem here... This is a fantastically imaginative piece of writing, kudos to you there. The children who populate the story are charming and fascinating. There's intrigue and redemption, and a great high-concept at the center of the tale. Perhaps because it functions so strongly as an ode to the joys of reading, your work often feels more like literature than screenwriting. The problem here is that there often isn't a strong visual component to the story. Reading, as an act, isn't very dynamic at all, so a lot of the actions that the characters take come across as curiously inactive. I also worry that the script will be a tough sell in a time when kids movies generally rely on action and special effects more than storytelling. I think you can alleviate this issues by focusing on the other worldliness of the bookshop. Mr. Hamilton himself came across as somewhat bland. Give him some quirks, some props, make him into a larger than life character. Also, think about making the life stories in the books far more exotic and dynamic, and portray them all as if they were flashbacks, or perhaps even throw Alfie and the others into the stories in the lead roles. As is, they were a bit nebulous and vague -- the mechanics of the 'reading' and the curse aspect received far more attention than the stories themselves, which I thought was a shame. You could turn your characters into Viking warriors or astronauts, send them anywhere in time and space, and make the visual component of your story far more dynamic. Just a thought, not trying to write your script for you, but I hope you see the opportunity here. Aside from that, the car crash backstory always seemed a bit dodgy -- why is it that his dad never remembered what happened? Was he too drunk, or did he receive a head injury? Either way, I think he'd have some idea. The way Alfie's mother acts also strained believability, especially in the climactic hospital scene. I also wish we could've seen more of Will, he fell off the map after tattling to Mr. Drummond. These issues aside I think you have a wonderful script here and a great talent for telling stories. A little sharpening here and there though would make it a lot more marketable. read

But wait, there's more!

A review of Fixed Shadows (r)

by alexsinesi on 06/16/2011

This is a cool ass script, no doubt. The twists and turns just kept coming, and just about all of them took me by surprise. The characters were simple but strong, the espionage was refreshingly complex, and the technical stuff sounded convincing enough. I would say dialogue is your Achilles heel. The jokes and insults fell flat, expository lines landed like bricks in the middle... This is a cool ass script, no doubt. The twists and turns just kept coming, and just about all of them took me by surprise. The characters were simple but strong, the espionage was refreshingly complex, and the technical stuff sounded convincing enough. I would say dialogue is your Achilles heel. The jokes and insults fell flat, expository lines landed like bricks in the middle of emotional scenes, and generally the characters sounded a bit stilted. Fortunately, their actions were so unexpected and awesome that I was able to overlook this, but it's still the number one thing you should work on in revisions. Perhaps just cut the dialogue down and make it as spare as possible. I feel like most of these people -- with the exception of the radio geeks -- would be very terse and close-lipped. For example, on page 5, Butterfield says: "the sand in the hourglass is almost empty." Not only is it too poetic for his character, it's also just not something any normal person would say in conversation. Have him say "We're out of time" or "We're on a clock." Just keep it simple. When I write dialogue, I find it's helpful to base a character's speech patterns on a friend or acquaintance, even if the character isn't specifically based on that person. Just create a foundation for your character's speech and don't worry so much about them explaining their emotions or their goals in life. These are things that people almost never verbalize, and if you just stick to the mission, you'll find that the character stuff will slip in naturally. With stronger dialogue, everything will flow a lot more smoothly, although you may want to comb through your action lines and try to cut out every word that's not strictly necessary, especially in the first act. Things did flow along pretty nicely once the spy game started up, but before that the descriptions were a little bumpy. You might even think about cutting some of the introductory scenes and getting into the mission as soon as possible, because that's where the script really comes to life. One more thing, don't keep changing around the character's names above their dialogue and in the action lines. They can turn out to be using fake names, but just keep identifying them by the ones they started with. It got pretty confusing and actually messed up a couple of surprise moments, like the bathroom kills. Anyway, hope I haven't discouraged you with all these critiques, I actually had a blast reading this script and just want it to live up to its full (and undoubtedly awesome) potential. Peace. read

I Thought We Were An Autonomous Collective!

A review of In Human Form

by alexsinesi on 06/15/2011

As soon as I read your opening page, I thought "this guy knows what he'd doing." You set up a world in a few short sentences and drew me right into the story. I think you may have introduced too many characters at once -- they tended to blur together at first, but over time they managed to distinguish themselves quite well. Maybe give a few of them injuries or deformities that... read

The Gospels Go Green

A review of The Gospels of Eibhlin

by alexsinesi on 06/14/2011

Ah, it's always so refreshing to read a nicely done bit of speculative fiction. Your light touch with the sci-fi really enhanced this story while keeping it believable -- its "not-quite-post-apocalypse" reminded me of Children of Men in the best way possible. I thought the flashback structure was interesting up to a point...it made the script feel like an anthology, which is... Ah, it's always so refreshing to read a nicely done bit of speculative fiction. Your light touch with the sci-fi really enhanced this story while keeping it believable -- its "not-quite-post-apocalypse" reminded me of Children of Men in the best way possible. I thought the flashback structure was interesting up to a point...it made the script feel like an anthology, which is one of my favorite ways of structuring a film and also one that's not seen too often. I liked how things got progressively worse as the gospels moved further ahead in time, but I did think Michael's story could have used some more danger and ecological destruction. The two gospels at the end felt unnecessary though, they could have been incorporated into the plot and played through in chronological order without separate titles. This would've made the story's climax read a lot smoother, and also would've allowed more tension to build up. Really, any anthology should only have 3 or 4 major stories within its framing device -- pick the ones you like most and focus on developing Eibhlin's story to fit them as naturally as possible. The gospel of Alfonso that appears 2/3s of the way through could theoretically be turned into the opening -- this would start the film off with a more vivid and expansive introduction to the decimated world of 2050, and given us a little action up front. As is, the pace of the first half is a little too relaxed for my tastes -- perhaps the attack on the compound could come earlier and initiate the talk about Eibhlin going to speak to her followers. I did feel a bit cheated that we never heard her big speech at the obelisk, essentially her Sermon on the Mount. The entire movie so far had built up to it, and then it's just an insert cut and we don't even get to hear what she said? Kinda disappointing. Also, for me personally, the crucifixion was a bit of a sledgehammer metaphor, especially after you followed the last days of Christ so closely in the lead-up. Of course Eibhlin has to die, but maybe make it something a little less obvious, something tragic and simple and of our modern world. A planned car accident, perhaps? The Christ metaphor would still read loud and clear, and her resurrection would be all the more surprising if it followed a mundane death we could all relate to. Just an idea, really a matter of personal preference. Overall, you have a sharply written and original story with some intriguing characters, and you left me wanting more of the world you had established. Congrats. read

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