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Reviews by amandamfarmer
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Hi, Donna -
I enjoyed reading "I, Sylvia" (I read the updated December version, even though I was assigned the version you submitted 11/13). I've narrowed down my thoughts to a few initial impressions from my layman's perspective - I hope it will be constructive and helpful! So many beautiful things about this script.
Initial notes I took while reading:
-The flashback to...
Hi, Donna -
I enjoyed reading "I, Sylvia" (I read the updated December version, even though I was assigned the version you submitted 11/13). I've narrowed down my thoughts to a few initial impressions from my layman's perspective - I hope it will be constructive and helpful! So many beautiful things about this script.
Initial notes I took while reading:
-The flashback to South America was extremely powerful, but the placement of it felt awkward. An idea: Would you be able to make the opening scene of the film Sylvia's flashback, rather than the murder? The story is really about Sylvia, not the murderer, after all. I think the murderer is discussed enough that you could do without the murder scene - it could be an unseen, looming evil.
-There is a lot of exposition in dialogue throughout the script, and while it certainly makes it clear what characters are thinking, it feels a little strained in places. For example, “I still have nightmares from living in the jungles of South America." Would it work better to just have "South America" as a super over her flashback, so she doesn't have to keep saying "in South America" to people who already knew where she was? A few pages later Sylvia says, "I don't think a child should be blamed for their mother dying in childbirth." This is an example of a moment when the character might not have to SAY what she's feeling - the father can say something to the effect that he blames her for killing her mother as her first act on the planet. Sylvia can react (maybe even without words). The audience will be able to infer the rest.
My suggestion would be to find some local actors and have a table reading of your script, if you haven't already. It might make a few moments stand out where things can go unsaid or be said more subtly/naturally.
-There's a scene where Marshall pulls out his diplomas at Sylvia's house. Maybe I just missed something, but where did he get his diplomas? Made me laugh. :) Maybe just something I missed...
-In my opinion, all of Sylvia's voiceovers can be unsaid - there aren't really enough of them for it to feel like a consistent storytelling device, so it feels kind of jarring when we hear one. You've done such a good job of setting up the situations that the audience (with a little help from your actress) will be able to infer all of her feelings without words - I never felt confused about what she was thinking, even if I ignored the VOs. I think you could convert them to stage directions pretty successfully.
-Another example that could be unsaid -- "Marshall!" when Sylvia answers the door to find the neighbor ladies. We know she is hoping it will be Marshall, but it's unlikely that anyone would say a name out loud before seeing who was there -- know what I mean? I'm being nitpicky, but little things like that can take away from the believability of the story and keep us from relating to the characters.
Here's my overall comment - the poetry in this script is SO BEAUTIFUL. It's subtle, it's full of imagery. The reader is expected to make inferences, and because of that, we're drawn in and engaged. It's fantastic. If I were editing your script, I would look for places where I could make the story mimic that feeling by cutting some of the dialogue, making the dialogue I do include meaningful but really natural and believable, and by conveying more visually or with silent moments with the actors.
I hope that's helpful at all. I'd be happy to explain more or discuss further if you want. I thought it was an interesting story, and I'm so glad I had a chance to read it. Thank you for sharing!
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You know...after seeing the film "Rubber," which is about a murderous rubber tire who uses telekinesis to explode people's heads, I can get behind this whole inanimate killer genre. :)
As far as improvements: The only part that felt unnecessary was the clip where the box didn't get chosen for baseball. I think the joke might be tighter without that -- although it's an inanimate,...
You know...after seeing the film "Rubber," which is about a murderous rubber tire who uses telekinesis to explode people's heads, I can get behind this whole inanimate killer genre. :)
As far as improvements: The only part that felt unnecessary was the clip where the box didn't get chosen for baseball. I think the joke might be tighter without that -- although it's an inanimate, expressionless object, people can easily read into it the expression of feeling left out, based on your camera zooms and the repetition of it not getting chosen.
Also, if you need more convincing (and yes, I'm aware of how absurd it is that I'm putting so much thought into this review), using the metaphor of not getting chosen for baseball might minimize what the box is "feeling," since children in that situation tend to be sad rather than murderous. Clearly the maddening torture of being a dejected cereal box is a much darker, deeper kind of pain than implied by the metaphor. :)
Best wishes.
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"There are some choices we make and there are some choices we think we make." Without that tagline, I would have understood that the film was about choices, but I wouldn't have quite understood what it was trying to say.
I love the concept of people being tied to their choices -- their routines, their vices, their partners, the stuff of life. I think the frayed rope connected...
"There are some choices we make and there are some choices we think we make." Without that tagline, I would have understood that the film was about choices, but I wouldn't have quite understood what it was trying to say.
I love the concept of people being tied to their choices -- their routines, their vices, their partners, the stuff of life. I think the frayed rope connected by only a thread between the two partners was a visual that kind of shed light on/affirmed what the ropes represented elsewhere in the film.
Was the woman pregnant? Morning vomiting...my significant other read that as being related to her gin drinking, but she didn't seem drunk to me while cooking the eggs. I also interpreted her as drinking water in the bar scene, while my boyfriend thought it was gin again.
I had trouble understanding the actress during the scene with the demonic voice. I flat out could not understand the man's line(s) in the film, even upon playing it back. I hope these weren't important, but given that there were so few lines, I feel like I might have missed out on something.
Beautifully shot. Loved the actress. Thanks for sharing!
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Submissions by amandamfarmer
No submissions (yet)
Reviews by amandamfarmer
4
-
Hi, Donna -
I enjoyed reading "I, Sylvia" (I read the updated December version, even though I was assigned the version you submitted 11/13). I've narrowed down my thoughts to a few initial impressions from my layman's perspective - I hope it will be constructive and helpful! So many beautiful things about this script.
Initial notes I took while reading:
-The flashback to...
Hi, Donna -
I enjoyed reading "I, Sylvia" (I read the updated December version, even though I was assigned the version you submitted 11/13). I've narrowed down my thoughts to a few initial impressions from my layman's perspective - I hope it will be constructive and helpful! So many beautiful things about this script.
Initial notes I took while reading:
-The flashback to South America was extremely powerful, but the placement of it felt awkward. An idea: Would you be able to make the opening scene of the film Sylvia's flashback, rather than the murder? The story is really about Sylvia, not the murderer, after all. I think the murderer is discussed enough that you could do without the murder scene - it could be an unseen, looming evil.
-There is a lot of exposition in dialogue throughout the script, and while it certainly makes it clear what characters are thinking, it feels a little strained in places. For example, “I still have nightmares from living in the jungles of South America." Would it work better to just have "South America" as a super over her flashback, so she doesn't have to keep saying "in South America" to people who already knew where she was? A few pages later Sylvia says, "I don't think a child should be blamed for their mother dying in childbirth." This is an example of a moment when the character might not have to SAY what she's feeling - the father can say something to the effect that he blames her for killing her mother as her first act on the planet. Sylvia can react (maybe even without words). The audience will be able to infer the rest.
My suggestion would be to find some local actors and have a table reading of your script, if you haven't already. It might make a few moments stand out where things can go unsaid or be said more subtly/naturally.
-There's a scene where Marshall pulls out his diplomas at Sylvia's house. Maybe I just missed something, but where did he get his diplomas? Made me laugh. :) Maybe just something I missed...
-In my opinion, all of Sylvia's voiceovers can be unsaid - there aren't really enough of them for it to feel like a consistent storytelling device, so it feels kind of jarring when we hear one. You've done such a good job of setting up the situations that the audience (with a little help from your actress) will be able to infer all of her feelings without words - I never felt confused about what she was thinking, even if I ignored the VOs. I think you could convert them to stage directions pretty successfully.
-Another example that could be unsaid -- "Marshall!" when Sylvia answers the door to find the neighbor ladies. We know she is hoping it will be Marshall, but it's unlikely that anyone would say a name out loud before seeing who was there -- know what I mean? I'm being nitpicky, but little things like that can take away from the believability of the story and keep us from relating to the characters.
Here's my overall comment - the poetry in this script is SO BEAUTIFUL. It's subtle, it's full of imagery. The reader is expected to make inferences, and because of that, we're drawn in and engaged. It's fantastic. If I were editing your script, I would look for places where I could make the story mimic that feeling by cutting some of the dialogue, making the dialogue I do include meaningful but really natural and believable, and by conveying more visually or with silent moments with the actors.
I hope that's helpful at all. I'd be happy to explain more or discuss further if you want. I thought it was an interesting story, and I'm so glad I had a chance to read it. Thank you for sharing!
read
-
You know...after seeing the film "Rubber," which is about a murderous rubber tire who uses telekinesis to explode people's heads, I can get behind this whole inanimate killer genre. :)
As far as improvements: The only part that felt unnecessary was the clip where the box didn't get chosen for baseball. I think the joke might be tighter without that -- although it's an inanimate,...
You know...after seeing the film "Rubber," which is about a murderous rubber tire who uses telekinesis to explode people's heads, I can get behind this whole inanimate killer genre. :)
As far as improvements: The only part that felt unnecessary was the clip where the box didn't get chosen for baseball. I think the joke might be tighter without that -- although it's an inanimate, expressionless object, people can easily read into it the expression of feeling left out, based on your camera zooms and the repetition of it not getting chosen.
Also, if you need more convincing (and yes, I'm aware of how absurd it is that I'm putting so much thought into this review), using the metaphor of not getting chosen for baseball might minimize what the box is "feeling," since children in that situation tend to be sad rather than murderous. Clearly the maddening torture of being a dejected cereal box is a much darker, deeper kind of pain than implied by the metaphor. :)
Best wishes.
read
-
"There are some choices we make and there are some choices we think we make." Without that tagline, I would have understood that the film was about choices, but I wouldn't have quite understood what it was trying to say.
I love the concept of people being tied to their choices -- their routines, their vices, their partners, the stuff of life. I think the frayed rope connected...
"There are some choices we make and there are some choices we think we make." Without that tagline, I would have understood that the film was about choices, but I wouldn't have quite understood what it was trying to say.
I love the concept of people being tied to their choices -- their routines, their vices, their partners, the stuff of life. I think the frayed rope connected by only a thread between the two partners was a visual that kind of shed light on/affirmed what the ropes represented elsewhere in the film.
Was the woman pregnant? Morning vomiting...my significant other read that as being related to her gin drinking, but she didn't seem drunk to me while cooking the eggs. I also interpreted her as drinking water in the bar scene, while my boyfriend thought it was gin again.
I had trouble understanding the actress during the scene with the demonic voice. I flat out could not understand the man's line(s) in the film, even upon playing it back. I hope these weren't important, but given that there were so few lines, I feel like I might have missed out on something.
Beautifully shot. Loved the actress. Thanks for sharing!
read
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I found this script to be action-packed and entertaining. The story progressed in a logical way, and I felt that new characters were introduced well -- I was able to quickly grasp what kind of person each character was.
I love the setup of the Iron Maiden being built from bloody pieces of armor from a massive battle. Great concept.
The characters weren't very developed,...
I found this script to be action-packed and entertaining. The story progressed in a logical way, and I felt that new characters were introduced well -- I was able to quickly grasp what kind of person each character was.
I love the setup of the Iron Maiden being built from bloody pieces of armor from a massive battle. Great concept.
The characters weren't very developed, but overall I think that's fine for an action/fantasy film. But it did strike me as a little bit unclear why Ann so easily agreed to take on the witch's quest. I understand she was about to be tortured, but her accepting everything the witch was saying and taking on the mark still felt like a very quick decision under very limited details. Maybe it would be stronger if something in the setup could foreshadow the dragons' existence – for example, Ann encounters something in the woods that suggests to her that there is a group of evil forces struggling for power at the expense of innocent lives. Perhaps this could be tied into the wolf killing her dog -- there is a dragon person with the wolf doing something unclear but suspicious (maybe his wings are showing) when Ann accidentally discovers him, the wolf attacks, the guy gets away, and Ann isn't quite sure what happened but becomes suspicious that there is something evil at work.
The other thing that threw me was when Ann is reincarnated by Hecate and says she has sworn to kill all men. Why/when did she swear to kill all men? It seems like a strange response, when she clearly knows the particular man she is after, but I guess you could explain it by saying she's never known a man and might assume they're all evil since the only one she's met is evil. It's not a huge problem, but it felt a little bit strange.
I also loved the gate being under the dance floor. At first I thought the dance scenes were just there to add some additional adrenaline/creepiness (which would have been fine), so learning that they actually played into the story was a great reveal. In fact, you did an excellent job of making sure almost every element related to the overall story -- very cool for the reader/watcher.
One last thing: The spelling and punctuation errors were kind of distracting. Hopefully you have someone who can help proof it. I was still able to read and understand it, but it would have been easier with better punctuation. Just wanted to mention that, because you definitely don't want anything to take away from the experience of reading the story.
I could picture it as a big-budget film with a lot of effects. Enjoyed it! Best of luck!
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Comments About amandamfarmer 3
doonae on 08/19/2011
Gary Mark Lee on 08/18/2011
You made some very good points about the story, your right about Ann making a rather quick decision about becoming a witch, I think that need to put more into that, you also have a very good idea about the beginning and bringing in “evil” faster. I saw that this was your first review, you did a good job, I hope I can see more input from you on my other upcoming scripts.
Thanks again, and all the best to you.
love45 on 08/12/2011