andrewkula

Great title

A review of Czechmate (Rev 2)

by andrewkula on 11/26/2007

David & Bob, I had a lot of fun reading Czechmate. The title is clever, there are a lot of visual gags and solid jokes ("Beverly Hills Ninety Thousand Two Hundred Ten"), and the story moves along nicely. From the start, both Bob and Jody were easy to relate to and easy to like even though they have clear problems and flaws. Plus, we get a good sense of what each of them... David & Bob,

I had a lot of fun reading Czechmate. The title is clever, there are a lot of visual gags and solid jokes ("Beverly Hills Ninety Thousand Two Hundred Ten"), and the story moves along nicely. From the start, both Bob and Jody were easy to relate to and easy to like even though they have clear problems and flaws. Plus, we get a good sense of what each of them needs from a (czech)mate, and they seem to compliment each other really well. The setting takes us into some great locations, from the glitz ang glamour of Prague to the glitz and glamour of Branson - parallel, but painfully different. Overall, it was really amusing and entertaining throughout. I also have some suggestions for you:

1. I'd like to see more focus on Jodi's career at the end. Aside from finding the right guy, we don't really see any change in her life. Early on, we know that her dream job is to do makeup for a talk show. This comes in handy when she needs to disguise herself, but we never get an answer to the question of what kind of job she can get with her talents. Maybe someone should hear about her schemes, be impressed with the quality of her work, and offer her a dream job at a theater or studio. At the end of Mrs. Doubtfire, we see how Daniel's scheme leads to an improved relationship with his kids AND a dream job hosting a TV show, and I think a similar approach would work well in Czechmate.

2. The children's theater seems arbitrary. Mrs. Hajek mentions something about Mrs. Novotny's "pipe dreams" but we don't get any clear indication of what they are. Later, we see Mrs. Novotny (as Iron Eagle) at a rehearsal, but it doesn't seem to have a strong connection to the plot or themes of the story. When the whole plot to dupe Bob turns out to be Mrs. Novotny's plan to finance her children's theater, it feels like a zany ploy for laughs that is too much of a stretch even for this story. Kids doing Kafka can be funny, but it has to have a stronger grounding for it to work, at least for me.

3. The story could make more use of Bob's musical talents. With a main character as a musical prodigy, it seems like he should do more to utilize his talents. There was a good scene where he transitions from classical to Pink Floyd on the cello. Maybe this this display, combining his two worlds (his mother's old-fashioned, Czech, & stuffy / Jody's young, Chicago, & fun) should get more prominent placement. Between the children's theater and the wedding at the end, it seems like there are a few natural "performance" places where Bob could bring harmony to his two worlds through music.

4. I think this "Czechmate" trip misses a lot of opportunities for humor with supporting characters. Who else is going on this voyage to find a Czech bride? What are their dates like? Movies like 40 Year Old Virgin make great use of a core of supporting characters to amplify the humor around the hero while we can still take him somewhat seriously. I think it might be a good idea to have Bob befriend 2-3 other clients so we can laugh at some of their misadventures and culture clashes.

I think this script is well on its way and, it's in capable hands. I wish you all the best, and I hope my suggestions are helpful. Let me know if you have any questions or you want to discuss anything further. Good luck!

- Andy read

Grandpa Knife Fight!

A review of OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD

by andrewkula on 11/12/2007

Sam, Your story has some very nice, poignant moments. I think Grandpa describing the origins of his wood slab and the old lady videotaping a message to her husband both conveyed genuine emotion. The dialogue between James and Hakeen was witty but age-appropriate. James's character development was subtle but effective from the opening scene to his classroom presentation,... Sam,

Your story has some very nice, poignant moments. I think Grandpa describing the origins of his wood slab and the old lady videotaping a message to her husband both conveyed genuine emotion. The dialogue between James and Hakeen was witty but age-appropriate. James's character development was subtle but effective from the opening scene to his classroom presentation, and the story conveys a strong message about how to value life. That said, I have a couple of suggestions for your next draft.

1. You may want to include more obstacles along the way. It seemed like the trip was too linear because there were few complications - the dead phone battery and them losing their way are difficulties, but nothing unexpected. Mrs. Combs realizes that they're gone, but we don't see her searching for them, and we don't get the sense that she could prevent them from completing their journey. She seems like a logical choice for an obstacle - they can't reach heaven if James's mother finds them first and brings them home.

2. I felt like Grandpa was too healthy and lucid for his actions toward the end. Something about him abandoning his life just because he was living in a nursing home felt disturbing. Afterall, it's kind of an inconsiderate way to leave his family. Maybe it would seem more appropriate for him to seek out Heaven if he had more apparent health issues. I didn't take his diabetes to be life threatening, so it seemed like he'd probably get another 10-15 years. That made me a little uneasy with Grandpa's behavior.

3. The mythology of Wild Man William didn't really work for me. I think in a lot of ways it reminded me of a movie called "The Sandlot," which had James Earl Jones as a much-feared hermit with a dog known as "the beast." It also included a story of a ball thrown over the fence and a kid's attempts at retrieving it. I think this episode of Wild Man William can work as a way to change the boys' perspectives and teach them a lesson about prejudgment, but it should be more unique in its approach.

4. You could probably do without the explicit comparisons to the Wizard of Oz. I think this story deals with entirely different issues, and trying to draw parallels with the Wizard of Oz felt unnecessary and forced. There are probably more appropriate stories to use as parallels, but I think this would stand best on its own, without having to show why it's like things we've seen before.

5. A couple of minor questions I had: A. Why is this mountain only 200 feet tall? If it's a hill that of that size, would it even have a name? B. The old lady talks about how she never moved away in all the time since her husband died "so long ago," but she also said that it's only been about two years. C. Was James's name Andy in an earlier draft? D. Can you use the final scene to reprise the action/imagery of the opening scene? It seems like it'd be appropriate to see another discussion about how to spend the day and watch James act the opposite of what he was like when we met him.

In general, I thought this was an engaging, lively story with a solid emotional core. A pleasant read. I hope my suggestions are helpful to you, and I wish you best of luck with your revisions. If you have any questions or want to discuss anything further, please let me know. Keep it up.

- Andrew read

As promised...

A review of My Brothers Keeper (v.4)

by andrewkula on 10/17/2007

Bob, I think you've done a nice job of finding a unique angle for this Spanish Civil War story. You've got some strong action scenes - the bridge fight sequence and the church ambush are both really visual and engaging. I think Michael is a compelling, sympathetic character, and Sofia has a great complexity since both of her dual-lives require such drastically different... Bob,

I think you've done a nice job of finding a unique angle for this Spanish Civil War story. You've got some strong action scenes - the bridge fight sequence and the church ambush are both really visual and engaging. I think Michael is a compelling, sympathetic character, and Sofia has a great complexity since both of her dual-lives require such drastically different behavior. The story had good pacing and strong dialogue throughout, and your battle/murder scenes give an honest portrayal of violence rather than sensationalizing it. I think Sean's promotion is a nice twist in the story, and a good way to bring about his corruption. So, there's a lot to like in this script. I do have some suggestions, though.

1. Since the core of the story is the brothers' relationship, I think we should see more of them together, especially once they get to Spain. They arrive at the camp, and the focus shifts from them to Sofia & the Fascists and the politics of the Spanish Civil War. It's important to know the situation that these guys are in, but the heart of the story is about Michael's struggle to save Sean (both from physical danger and his own internal corruption). The themes of the story should focus on the dynamic of that brother-brother relationship. Two scenes that really nailed their dynamic were their first reunion scene (Michael hits Sean with his pillow) and the beach scene (where they go swimming toward the end). Otherwise, their relationship can be hard to grasp; they seem close, but it's hard to tell why Sean is worth fighting for. Michael has grown up with Sean for 20 years, so he knows Sean's redeeming qualities, but we as the audience get only a few glimpses into Sean's nicer side. Which brings me to...

2. Sean's character. We see him as a vicious killer from the get-go, so there isn't enough development or room to sympathize with him. I would suggest that his first few acts of violence are less heartless but still incriminating so they can contrast more with this cold-blooded murders toward the end. Instead of retaliating for a street-fight and shooting up a poker game, maybe he should be responding to a threat against his family. Instead of chasing down the fleeing soldier, maybe he could kill him to protect Michael or Jack. If the first two killing scenes were more justifiable, Sean's character will be more human and easier to relate to. This could make his decline into the hatred and violence of military power more tragic and less expected.

3. I think the scene where Cordelia turns Michael away from her door could use some work. This should be the kind of rejection that really rips his heart out because it should be strong (and permanent) enough to free him up for this voyage to Spain. Are there any visuals or action here to make it more compelling? Also, it seems like his decision to follow Sean comes only after Cordelia rejects him. I think it should be motivated by his relationship with Sean more than his relationship with Cordelia. You may want to build a stronger connection to Sean's need for protection and Michael's willingness to go. Maybe Cordelia's rejection scene should go before Michael asks the priest for help. Then Father McCallan could tell him that if he wants a guardian to look after after his brother, he'd better do it yourself because you'll get no help from God.

4. Sofia spends a lot of time at the rebel camp, and I wonder how she manages that without compromising her identity to the fascists. How does she get away to help with the training? For the ambush in San Pedro? Is she not expected to work for Garcia every day? How would she get away without raising suspicion? The housekeeper spy in "Pan's Labyrinth" is a good example of having trouble contributing to the anti-Franco movement because of her closeness to officers. I think Sofia can work well, but we need to know how she manages to keep her loyalties secret.

5. You may want to reorganize the last few scenes. The main story line is what goes on with Michael and Sean, so one killing the other should be the climax of the story. Putting Michael and Sofia in a standoff with nationalist troops at Sofia's mother's house seems like an unnecessary and extra climax scene. It's a good scene, but it could work better before the real climax (Michael shoots Sean).

Kudos on a strong story and interesting characters, Bob. This was a good read. I hope my suggestions are helpful for you, and I wish you best of luck with your revisions. Let me know if you have any questions or want more specific feedback. Keep up the good work!

- Andy read

Like an ox

A review of THICK AS THIEVES

by andrewkula on 08/03/2007

Christopher, I think the core of this story - "what would happen if two gangs tried to rob the same bank at the same time?" - is really funny. It's got potential, and that's a major plus. Also, Mum and Pop are both really entertaining. Pop is especially funny. Good work! I think you've got a good ear for dialogue, and there's a lot of strong humor throughout the story... Christopher,

I think the core of this story - "what would happen if two gangs tried to rob the same bank at the same time?" - is really funny. It's got potential, and that's a major plus. Also, Mum and Pop are both really entertaining. Pop is especially funny. Good work! I think you've got a good ear for dialogue, and there's a lot of strong humor throughout the story. That said, I have some suggestions for you when you revise...

1. Invest more in visuals. This reads really quickly, which is cool, but it shouldn't come at the expense of the story. I'm not sure if "Thick as Thieves" would stretch to 70 pages when the formatting problems get fixed. There's lots of room to work with here, so you can easily give us more to look at. A lot of scenes are essentially just characters talking with no real action. You've got some funny dialogue, and it'd be good if you can balance it out with funny images. A couple examples are what Pop looks like and when he shoots the guys over and over. Funny and visual. What happens in the bank that takes advantage of imagery?

2. Give us a little more time to get to know these Scottish bandits before the big turning point where they show up at a bank that's already getting robbed. We need to know these guys more before the twist so that we can actually care if they get away with it or not. Maybe it'd be good to show them rob something else to show us what these guys are like. An opening scene where the robbers go after something bizarre, like a sports bar or a cell phone store, could be funny. And given their love of movies, they'd be all about that because it's similar to Pumpkin and Honey Bunny in Pulp Fiction. In any case, your first act lasts for about 10-12 pages (until the other gang and the police show up) and it would work better as 20-25 pages. You have room to work with, so let's meet these characters more and get some more jokes before the big twist happens!

3. Rethink the climax. Pop is the one that solves the problem by killing Frank. It's funny, but it's unsatisfying because these five young guys who are the ones who have clear goals and motivation aren't responsible for solving their own problem. I'm all for letting Pop into the action, but he shouldn't be solely responsible for resolving the story.

4. Include bigger law enforcement obstacles. The cops pretty much just let them go every time they come near them. The scene where the cop stops the fleeing van could have a lot more tension (and humor) because of the situation. Try to play that up more. Let's see more details about the investigation. Does the detective find any clues in the bank? Does he miss anything obvious? He seems pretty inept because nobody gets the hostages out of the vault. That's funny, but if the cops pose no threat to the robbers, we're missing out on some good opportunities for comedy with close calls and plots to get around the cops. Try to give the cops some more power and make them a stronger force in the action.

5. Show some development in character. I can't really tell you how any of the three Scots change as a result of this story. Are any of them different in the end than they were in the beginning? Did anyone learn something? Alter their personality? Lose a belief? It didn't feel like anyone had an arc.

6. Reconsider all the "J" names. It can be hard to keep "Jack," "Joel" and "James" straight when we meet them all within a few pages of each other.

All in all, this was entertaining, but it can use some more substance. It's funny, but you can pack more laughs in there, so don't let yourself be satisfied with "good enough." The humor in "Thick as Thieves" is amusing, but it can still be more efficient and faster paced. I hope my suggestions are helpful for you, and I hope you continue to improve this with your next drafts. Please let me know if you have any questions or want to discuss anything further. Best of luck, and keep up the good work!

- Andy read

Pauley want a new identity?

A review of GOOD INTENTIONS (53107)

by andrewkula on 06/08/2007

Alexis, I think you've got a strong story here, with compelling characters and an interesting plot. The story actually reminds me a bit of a South African movie called "Tsotsi," which you should check out if you haven't seen it yet. I think Sharon is a strong character, and the dynamic between young Pauley and Ruby works really well. The dialogue is clean and simple, and... Alexis,

I think you've got a strong story here, with compelling characters and an interesting plot. The story actually reminds me a bit of a South African movie called "Tsotsi," which you should check out if you haven't seen it yet. I think Sharon is a strong character, and the dynamic between young Pauley and Ruby works really well. The dialogue is clean and simple, and your scenes contribute nicely to the overall whole. That said, I have some suggestions for you.

1. I think the big turning point, where Ruby decides to take Pauley on the road, should have more emphasis. We see her claim that she's the boy's aunt, then we follow the cops and when they return, she's gone. Presumably, some time in there, she made her decision to watch after Pauley, and that's why she took off. Since this is her mission for the whole movie, I think we should really watch her face as she looks at the boy, makes the connection to her own son, and realizes that she has to help him. We should see her turn (literally and figuratively) and walk away with Pauley. It's always best to focus on your main characters at the big turning points.

2. I don't see what it is that made Sharon recognize Pauley. This moment of recognition around page 90 should be huge, but this could just be someone who resembles what her child son might look like now. Maybe he should have a little gesture or phrase he says when he's under stress. That way, he finds out that his friend is in the hospital, and he automatically bites his knuckle or something, and Sharon remembers him doing the same thing when he was tired and hungry as a child. In any case, I think Sharon recognizing Pauley should be hit harder, and it should have a more visible trigger.

3. Ruby is too passive to be a strong protagonist. She doesn't have a clear goal other than this ongoing process of "saving" Pauley from a bad life. Sharon's story of redemption and her quest to help others and reunite with her son is a more active story. During the second half of the script, it feels like Sharon is the protagonist, not Ruby, because Ruby does not do anything. She reacts as things happen to her. For example, we as the audience want to see Ruby get off of serving jail time, so we're going to support whoever works for that goal. But when Ruby has the chance to earn her reduced sentence, she denies the chance to speak. Sharon is the one who goes and tries to convince the judge. Because Sharon is the one who is taking action, it feels like she should be the protagonist. I'd like to see Ruby taking action into her hands more throughout the story, because it seems like once she makes her decision to take Pauley, she is not in charge of her story anymore.

4. I don't think there is enough character development within Ruby. How does she change as a result of this story? She doesn't regret what she did, which she shouldn't, but it also doesn't seem like she's learned anything. What would this whole ordeal teach her about human nature and morals? It seems like her own broken family has made her think assume that people cannot redeem their pasts, so you may want to play that up more and show how that opinion changes when Sharon resurfaces as a new woman.

All in all, I think this is a nice story and a good read. I'd love to see how this develops in the drafts to come. I hope my suggestions are helpful for you, and I wish you best of luck from here on out. Please let me know if you have any questions or want to discuss anything further. Good luck!

- Andy read

Big Gay Float

A review of The Big, Gay Float

by andrewkula on 06/07/2007

Jackson, I like the world you've set up in Effingcombe, and I think your characters and their dialogue give it a very real, very English feel. I like Richard using a can of baked beans as a weapon, and I think that Simon is a great bully character because we constantly see his softer side as he cares for his younger brother. That said, I have some suggestions for your next... Jackson,

I like the world you've set up in Effingcombe, and I think your characters and their dialogue give it a very real, very English feel. I like Richard using a can of baked beans as a weapon, and I think that Simon is a great bully character because we constantly see his softer side as he cares for his younger brother. That said, I have some suggestions for your next draft.

1. Richard should have a specific goal. Yeah, he wants to fight bullying and homophobia, but there's no specific goal to determine whether he succeeds or fails. Is it whether or not he can get the float in the parade? If that's the case, he needs to win over everyone in town, one by one, or give an impassioned speech or some grand gesture to make everyone become better people. Right now, he has a float, and the parade people are a little uneasy about it, but the rest of the townspeople are behind him 100%, and it doesn't feel like a big challenge. The only real antagonism comes from a handful of drunken hooligans who spray paint buildings... it feels like there needs to be more substantial conflict throughout.

2. I don't see much character development within Richard or Oliver. Maybe Oliver needs to make a more permanent decision to stay in Effingcombe rather than wanting to live in London. Maybe after losing his father, Richard needs to pledge to be a better Dad to Oliver, only to screw up by going way overboard. Then, the end could be him realizing that simple acceptance and emotional support is all that being a good father means. That's all in your story, but it's hidden under a plot that doesn't come to a strong ending.

3. I think the tone, especially of the first 20 pages, is too somber for a this kind of story. With a title like "Big Gay Float," it feels like this story should be more light-hearted.

4. It seems like the carnival and the float should be set up before the vandalism occurs. Right now it kind of comes out of nowhere, but as the title of the movie, it should be around the whole time.

5. I'm not sure I understand all the media hype behind the float story. What's so shocking about a gay pride float in a parade? Maybe if we saw this town as some sort of haven for ultra-conservatives or homophobes. Right now, all the controversy seems a little unmotivated.

6. Thematically, I think this story doesn't really reach any new ground. Can you come up with an original theme to power the story? Acceptance is a good concept, but this story needs a more original approach to that message.

Overall, this script has some good characters and a nice setting, but it needs some work on the story elements and theme. I hope my comments are helpful for you, and I wish you the best for your next drafts. Please let me know if you have any questions or want to discuss anything further. Good luck!

- Andy read

Prequel about Genaro... something to consider

A review of Hazards of Wind and Water/Revised

by andrewkula on 06/04/2007

Hey Mark, I think HoWW has a lot going for it. You've got a great setting with the hurricane happening. Your main character is interesting because unlike other assassins, he loves classical music and has malaria hallucinations. There are some really nice action scenes, too - I'm thinking of the highway shootout and Verdas's assassination. I think the dynamic between Daten... Hey Mark,

I think HoWW has a lot going for it. You've got a great setting with the hurricane happening. Your main character is interesting because unlike other assassins, he loves classical music and has malaria hallucinations. There are some really nice action scenes, too - I'm thinking of the highway shootout and Verdas's assassination. I think the dynamic between Daten and Lahlit is really compelling, too, and her limited English makes her dialogue concise and almost proverbial. So there's a lot to like. That said, I do have some suggestions for your next draft.

1. I wanted to see more of Daten before the big incident, the botched assassination, puts him on the run. As the main character, we should know learn more about him in the first act. I don't think I knew enough about him to really care what happened when he goes on the run or have much invested in whether or not he succeeds. What I thought was like an opening action sequence actually turned out to be the end of the first act, and it took me a while to get back into the story and figure out what he wants and how he wants it.

2. The hurricane could play a bigger role. That's the twist that would set this apart from other CIA assassin stories - it takes place during a hurricane. I think there has to be an assassination, or some intense fight scenes during INSANE conditions to make a great, memorable scene.

3. I don't think the thugs on the street are a good source of antagonism early on because they arbitrarily pick on Daten and Lahlit. Why doesn't Daten have to fight with Morda's troops hunting him down instead? Those people would make better opponents, and people tracking him would be more interesting and more of a threat than random hooligans trying to rob him.

4. I love the highway shootout scene, especially how Daten leaves the carnage. I think the scene is alright full of some complex grief and guilt issues, and I think there's a good opportunity to take it even further. My suggestion would be to Daten have act the same way to the Genaros ("we leave 'em or join 'em" kind of thing), but watch him discreetly perform a little gesture that shows his remorseful side. Maybe he could leave all the bodies, but move Lahlit's next to Carador's out of respect.

5. I think Daten should have a more personal relationship with Jesper. Morda calls Jesper "your good friend, your confidante," but from Daten & Jesper's one phone conversation, I didn't get the sense that they were friends. Jesper's pretty clearly a villain throughout the story, so I didn't see why Daten wouldn't know that. If this is going to be a big climax, the assassin seeks vengeance on his good friend who betrayed him, I'd like to see more trust or friendship between the two early on and consistently.

6. I wanted to see some internal conflict within Daten. He doesn't seem to develop much in the sense that he's the same person at the beginning and end, and we never really see him with any kind of emotional struggle or self-doubts. He's an interesting character, and I'd love to see more about what makes him tick.

Overall, I enjoyed the story and I think there's a lot of possibilities to explore to make this a really enjoyable, unique story. I hope my suggestions are helpful for you, and I wish you best of luck with rewrites! Please let me know if you have any questions or want to discuss anything further.

- Andy read

my inner child would like to read a sequel

A review of IMAGINARY FRIENDS

by andrewkula on 05/30/2007

John, I had a great time reading Imaginary Friends. I think your vivid language and beautiful imagery is something we should all aspire to. You did a great job with set-up and pay-off. I had some doubts about whether some elements would come into play later, but when they did (like Luke imitating his diving catch poster at the end) it felt inevitable. I think the Imaginary... read

Spacesuits with popped collars!

A review of Frat Boys from Outer Space

by andrewkula on 05/16/2007

Bob, The first 20 pages are awesome. Reversing the effects of water and beer is great, and the alternate world is fun to explore. This is all full of nice imagination. I like that the aliens' talents come in handy when they have to enter the greek games and save the frat house. The Sigma Nu boys are entertaining too - I love Chad's Alan Greenspan poster. My major suggestions... Bob,

The first 20 pages are awesome. Reversing the effects of water and beer is great, and the alternate world is fun to explore. This is all full of nice imagination. I like that the aliens' talents come in handy when they have to enter the greek games and save the frat house. The Sigma Nu boys are entertaining too - I love Chad's Alan Greenspan poster.

My major suggestions are:

1. The story should get zanier. With such a wacky set-up, the college campus feels too real and too tame. For a story like this, I want to see all the wild possibilities available for a setting like a college campus. They're only in class for about one page, there's really only one party scene, they don't go to any sporting events, and they don't get join or encounter any organizations other than the fraternity. Try to get more out of your setting, and each scene should explore the idea - "what if aliens were on a college campus?"

2. It seems like we need more of a struggle between the Sigma Nus and the ABTs. One of the things that made Animal House so great was the battle of pranks going back and forth between the Deltas and the Omegas - though mostly from the Deltas. In "Frat Boys," it feels like there's animosity and a lot of talk back and forth, but not much in the way of funny attacks.

3. There's really no sign of school administrators. Isn't this where the threat of charter revocation should come from?

4. The story seems split between two climaxes - the Greek Games and stopping Gill from destroying the Earth. The thing is, these two events don't really overlap, so it seems kind of arbitrary. Is there a way you can connect the two plots (will they win the greek games / will they save the Earth) so that their actions in one cause the other?

5. Chad needs to cause more trouble for the aliens. Maybe he should discover the REAL truth and try to expose them. What if, after losing the Greek Games he somehow destroys one of their ACLUs and shows everyone that they're aliens? Maybe the college kids just think it's cool - or they think that that's what people from Croatia look like. In any case, Chad should make their mission to find cubic zirconia and get home harder.

The story is entertaining and fun, and I feel like it should get even zanier. It also needs some consolidation in the climax, but I really enjoyed reading this. Again, I hope this was helpful, and I wish you luck with your next drafts! Let me know if you have any questions.

-Andy read

Sunshine says it all

A review of Sunshine Studios Presents R1

by andrewkula on 05/15/2007

Robert, I think "Sunshine Studios Presents" is a pleasant, upbeat story. The child characters are interesting and believable, the movie pitches are amusing (the I like the woody allen kid), and the story conveys a nice message. I think your writing flows well, but the script could be cleaner - example: the 3rd to last scene, in Mr. Sunshine's office, lasts three pages and... Robert,

I think "Sunshine Studios Presents" is a pleasant, upbeat story. The child characters are interesting and believable, the movie pitches are amusing (the I like the woody allen kid), and the story conveys a nice message. I think your writing flows well, but the script could be cleaner - example: the 3rd to last scene, in Mr. Sunshine's office, lasts three pages and it feels like it could be condensed into one. Also, I like the sign-language conversations between Mattie and the monkey. That said, I do have some suggestions on how to improve the next draft.

1. It seems like we need a stronger revelation. Jayne says that they don't make movies kids want to see, and Mr. Sunshine kind of shrugs and offers her a huge opportunity. This should be a powerful moment when Mr. Sunshine realizes that the solution is for kids BY kids. This is the idea that's gonna make or break his studio, so it should seem more meaningful to him. Maybe he should be resistant to it but pressured into the decision because it's the only way to save his business.

2. I'd like to see more character development. Mr. Sunshine is the same nice guy throughout the story, and I don't see how he really changes from beginning to end, other than that he happens to get married. But as far as what he's learned or how he's changed, I'm not sure. It seems like his name, Mr. Sunshine, should be an ironic name at the beginning. Maybe he's cynical or grouchy or jaded, but then working with these children shows him about the importance of family and the simple, childlike optimism. In any case, I think we need more of a sense of how Mr. Sunshine evolves throughout the course of the story.

3. It's okay to make the villains goofballs, but they should be more effective. There never seems to be any risk that they might succeed in ruining the business. Can we see Snidely and Jenkins pose more of a threat? And what happened with Vinca? What crime was he arrested for, and is that what clears Mr. Sunshine's debts, or is it the movie's success? I wasn't really sure what brought about the wedding happy ending.

4. I don't like prescribing page limits, but this story shouldn't take this long to tell. I'm sure if you look at the script, scene by scene, you can trim several pages and make the whole thing more concise.

5. I think the process of making the movie deserves more attention. Do children run the cameras, or edit the film, make the music, or design the sets? If this movie is revolutionary because it's made by kids, I want to see the children actually making the movie.

"SSP" is a pleasant story with some endearing child characters, amusing scenes, and a nice message. I think it needs some work on character development and additional attention to the process of filmmaking, but it's coming along nicely. I hope my comments are helpful to you, and I wish you best of luck with your next drafts! Please let me know if you have any other questions or want to discuss anything further.

- Andy read

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