a screenplay
by BeanTown
A broken Sheriff investigates two odd deaths and discovers a think-tank's lethal organism that may kill us all
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Submissions by BeanTown
Reviews by BeanTown 24
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A review of The Iboga Visionsby BeanTown on 11/15/2011Oh Great, Another Illicit Drug I Can't Get. All kidding aside, I very much like this script. I wanted to love it, but it fell just a bit short in a few areas in my opinion. First: The synopsis - You say " when his addiction is discovered he escapes to Scotland." Yet we never see that happening. He just arrives on a plane. I'd just cut that. His arrival is fine and his addiction... Oh Great, Another Illicit Drug I Can't Get.
All kidding aside, I very much like this script. I wanted to love it, but it fell just a bit short in a few areas in my opinion.
First: The synopsis - You say " when his addiction is discovered he escapes to Scotland." Yet we never see that happening. He just arrives on a plane. I'd just cut that. His arrival is fine and his addiction is revealed to us.
Second: Genre - You have this as a straight drama, but it has undertones of the supernatural. In today's market, I wouldn't down play this. Of course, if kids start smoking tree bark to talk with their great Grandpa's that's on you. It's from a novel... not sure what kind of rapport you have with the author but a supernatural angle might have more appeal these days.
Third: Loose Ends - Carly and The Poachers. Carly could be a great character, when Julie sees her and Tom you could have them talking a bit about their addictions, make it a bit more personal. And don't just have her drop out of the picture at the hospital. Bring her back and add more fuel to the fire as it were. The Poachers just seem tacked on... I know, I've a similar character in my own script. Maybe have one of them more of a threat... maybe a stalker of Julie?
Fourth: Tension... or the lack there of. I recently say "Se7en" again and I discovered that if you take out the "gory" stuff, you're left with one hell of a Drama, because almost every scene is filled with tension, conflict or turmoil. I'm not saying your characters have to beat each other over the head, but there are scenes where you could really ramp it up and make this a great story.
Below are Page notes. Thoughts and stuff as I went along.
2. You say the receptionist "is clearly taken by the handsome soldier." How so? Does she blush, fix her hair, lick her lips? As they say, "Show, don't tell." I know we hear that a lot, but it's true and I believe it's small details like this that turn a good SP into a better, if not a great one.
The INT. BATHROOM scene. You use the word "things" twice, nit picky I know, but toiletries are very personal things and could be a chance to show something about him... are these Marine issue items? Does he still consider himself one? Also, the methadone, perhaps he needs another swig or flips the cap, is about to pour it down the sink, but stops. He hates the stuff but needs it. I only mention this because otherwise I feel this is wasted space.
3. This may just be me, but when you use the word "floor" it makes me feel they are indoors. You use it twice in two sentences.
4. Tom's fight scene. I think you're foreshadowing Tom's bad ass ability because he'll need it further down the road, right? It works, it's just I've seen this before, numerous times. I'm not sure how else to show this, but I'd like it better if he said nothing and just started kicking ass. Then the line about the ambulance.
7. " Second Hand Car Yard" sorry, just found that amusing.... here we say "Used Car Lot".
12. I feel you ended the scene when Julie walks in to find Tom with her father just a tad too soon. Does she blush at her words, does she eye him with daggers? And what does Tom do? It's all supposed to be about conflict and tension, right? I think you missed an opportunity there.
14. How does one "professionally" return ones eyes to the road?
17. "Tom take the (dose).
18. Roddie should struggle just a bit with his decision to tell him about Iboga. A grimace, a scratch on the chin, something. He just comes out and tells him. More conflict, even if it's internal... This stuff is illegal after all.
19. Toms' line - "Good job we can take...." is a bit confusing. See what I mean?
26. The line - " sitting on a tatty couch nursing her son." Is she breast feeding him? or tending to his wounds? In the US, "nursing" can mean both. Of course my first thoughts were...
27-28. The scene with Angus and Mary... awesome! A bit of humor, tension and conflict. Good stuff.
33. Toms' line - "I've got to go?" I think that should be a statement not a question. Also, "He grabs the bottle of methadone and swallows a tablet". I thought his methadone was a liquid and the Iboga was a pill? Just confused as to what he's taking.
46. How does Roddie know that Julie is referring to Tom's Ibogaine? She could be mad about anything. Also, she says "slap on the wrist again." Has he used this with a patient before? A bit more clarity may be in order on both things.
48. "Something catches (his) eye.
49. " I wasn't naked." Great line.
54-56. This scene is very good. But, and this is just my opinion, I think if you have Tom get actively involved it would be great.
He's pretty passive in his previous visions. If they're that "life like" and he's a trained Marine, I think he'd naturally "try"
to save Angus and Johnny. I think you could really take this up another level. Especially when Angus wants Farquar to
shoot him. Doesn't have to be a lot, as it's a pretty intense scene. Just my opinion.
56. Tom says "I haven't needed the methadone for days" and Julie says " Then stop taking it." It sounds like she means the methadone but she really means the Ibogaine. I think you need to word that better.
57. Julie's making him breakfast.... did they or didn't they? If they did, you need to add some tension, some conflict with Julie deciding to follow him into the bedroom. You can't use the dialogue above that to justify it. She has to have some inner conflict, right? Her feelings for Tom and her conviction as a peace activist are at odds here. If they didn't then they should have... it's getting late in the game.
60. All dialogue.... they're falling in love, right? Have them touch each other. A stroke of the hair, a finger along the ear, a smile when there shouldn't be one.... something. Scenes like these, it's little things that go a long way.
62. That's what I've been missing... the pauses, the beats in dialogue. Tom's line - "Exactly the same. The car stops. She gets out...." This reads like a robot is saying it, when there should be emotional stops and starts. Some people use (beat), I prefer: ... I've looked back and see that you've used it a few times... but not enough, in my opinion. Again it's a small thing, a subtle thing, but in the hands of a skilled writer can be very powerful. Turns robotic dialogue into something alive! And this scene should be alive with emotion... he doesn't have to bawl his eyes out but he seems too remote... like he doesn't care what happened, when obvioulsy he does. Just my thoughts.
71. A bit of a conflict with Tom and Julie here, but not much... You should be ramping it up. Julie gives a little speech at the end and Tom takes it - "I don't know what this is between us? A week ago..." My suggestion is to take that speech and have Tom counter point her statements. Leave us in a mess and have the audience asking how do we get through this?
75. Julie hears everything Kevin and Tom said and with a few terse words it's done. Should be a few more lines between Julie and Tom... just my opinion. If this is the end make it memorable. Have her smack him... throw some stuff at least.
89. Angus mentions "Michael" .. is that Farquar? and he does that? there? ahhh seems a bit far fetched. But why isn't Tom asking Angus why he's seeing him, of all ancestors to see? Even if he doesn't answer... I know if I were tripping I'd ask that at least.
91. Another great moment passed. Tom realizes the effects of his words on Presley and all he says is "No, Presley."?? This could be a great dramatic moment for some actor... Dawn breaks.... the clouds have parted. His guilty part, however small, is exposed to himself. A little begging, a little pleading... and then to watch it all happen again, helplessly. Could be an awesome scene.... just a thought.
93. " Our lives can be turned on the smallest of chance encounters...." Great, great line!! You should put that at the beginning somehow. Chance encounters that change us... nice theme.
94. We see him going to visit Presley, but with no tears or man hugs... another lost dramatic opportunity. We should see him at Donna's fathers house, even if brief... could be another great moment. You have the Page room for these things...
Just a thought.
Wow, good stuff!
Like I said. Very impressed, you've got a great concept, topical themes, good characters that just need a little push along to make them memorable. Your dialogue is very good, but also with a push could be great. If you put up a rewrite let me know, I'd love to see it and if you have any questions just drop me a line.
Paul
PS... where can I get me some of this Iboga?? read -
A review of AbracaDebraby BeanTown on 11/09/2011I hate to say this, but this was a very tough read, on many levels and perhaps a tougher review to write. I know that's not what one wants to hear but sometimes it's what one needs to hear. I think you've tried to take your book and turn it into a script without getting a good grasp on things like format, action, description and dialogue. A novel and a screenplay are two very... I hate to say this, but this was a very tough read, on many levels and perhaps a tougher review to write. I know that's not what one wants to hear but sometimes it's what one needs to hear.
I think you've tried to take your book and turn it into a script without getting a good grasp on things like format, action, description and dialogue. A novel and a screenplay are two very different things.
On page 1 Deb should be introduced as DEB. You should describe her a bit. Cian is not properly introduced, also, he is missing a hand is he not?. You might want to tell us that other than in the synopsis.
Your scene headings should be short and sweet.
On page 20. "EXT. SCARY LOOKING SWINGING BRIDGE OVER RUSHING RIVER, SNOWING STEADY - MOMENTS LATER" could be: EXT. ROPE BRIDGE - LATER. Then you could describe the snow and raging water.
Much of your dialogue is much too long. Pages 3,4, and 5 is almost entirely dialogue with no subtext. That's 3 minutes of just two people talking. Everyone says exactly what they're thinking. Also, no one talks the way your characters do, not even in real life. I hate to say, but after awhile it became a bit comical, but I know that wasn't your intention.
You have to many "un-filmables" in you action/ description. Example, page 15: "Debby makes a plan to pretend to go to bed and retrieve the ball while everyone is sleeping." You can't put what's in her head onto the screen. This happens throughout the script. Show don't tell.
The story was all over the place. The magic show ( which confused me, somehow I thought they'd use their knowledge of magic to help save the climbers ). The Nazis, the Doctor, The POW with one arm. The night vision experiment. And if I'm not mistaken, wasn't there a UFO, which may or may not have resulted in a baby? Too much going on and too many loose ends just left me confused and frustrated at the end.
The above is only my opinion, but I believe you'll hear similar with more reviews.
The best advice I can give is to grab a book or two on screenwriting and read more scripts both here on TriggerSt and ones of the movies you love and see what makes them work.
Also, keep writing! Good Luck.
Paul read -
A review of Relationship Sexual V9by BeanTown on 09/16/2011Probably the strangest script I've ever read. I doubt I'm your target audience. But I read it through and should therefore give my honest opinion. I've read your production notes and I'll try and address the issues you requested, but you ask for a lot and it's up to you as the writer to work through those problems. Concept - Intriguing to say the least, however you don't... Probably the strangest script I've ever read. I doubt I'm your target audience. But I read it through and should therefore give my honest opinion. I've read your production notes and I'll try and address the issues you requested, but you ask for a lot and it's up to you as the writer to work through those problems.
Concept - Intriguing to say the least, however you don't state how far into the future this is set. In this world, women have the upper hand. Positions of power and intellect. The men "seem" dimwitted and basically the best they can hope for is too sell their sperm and have a girl who gives them gifts. The women having powerful positions I can see, but the men going along with this I can't. Men are too egocentric and full of testosterone. So, unless men in the future are naturally low on testosterone or dosed to inhibit it I don't see how they'd allow this future to come about.
Story - To me it's weak. Just some girls who want to bed some guys during a party, that just happens to be in the future where cameras are everywhere... except this one house, or so they think. This party is pretty tame compared to some of the one's I've been to. There's a lot of talk which all seems too on the nose, everyone says exactly what they're thinking. The fact that they've been taped and could be arrested seems tacked on because it comes too late. The ending is just too neat and unsatisfying.
Characters - All need to be fleshed out more. They all talked alike, with the exception of Miss Stern, who seemed to be there only to provide exposition. You have to give us a reason to care for Welfare and what happens to her.... I just never connected with her because it seemed she would get exactly what she wanted, as would everyone.
Dialogue - Almost all of it is too on the nose or exposition. I would also write Lumix's dialogue the way it should be spoken and let the actor give us the "accent". There is no subtext here. You as the writer have to figure out how to have your characters tell their story... otherwise the reviewers are doing it for you.
Overall, you have an interesting concept that needs to be fleshed out more and needs to find a tone, a voice. The use of 2 sets worked fine and I did find the use of house lighting interesting. When Welfare was carried down stairs I found was a nice twist, however I think the boys spent too much time discussing the pro's and cons of the latest sexbots.
These are all just my opinions of course, so feel free to ignore them.
Good Luck with this.
Paul read
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Submissions by BeanTown
-
a screenplay by BeanTownA broken Sheriff investigates two odd deaths and discovers a think-tank's lethal organism that may kill us all
Reviews by BeanTown 24
-
A review of The Iboga Visionsby BeanTown on 11/15/2011Oh Great, Another Illicit Drug I Can't Get. All kidding aside, I very much like this script. I wanted to love it, but it fell just a bit short in a few areas in my opinion. First: The synopsis - You say " when his addiction is discovered he escapes to Scotland." Yet we never see that happening. He just arrives on a plane. I'd just cut that. His arrival is fine and his addiction... Oh Great, Another Illicit Drug I Can't Get.
All kidding aside, I very much like this script. I wanted to love it, but it fell just a bit short in a few areas in my opinion.
First: The synopsis - You say " when his addiction is discovered he escapes to Scotland." Yet we never see that happening. He just arrives on a plane. I'd just cut that. His arrival is fine and his addiction is revealed to us.
Second: Genre - You have this as a straight drama, but it has undertones of the supernatural. In today's market, I wouldn't down play this. Of course, if kids start smoking tree bark to talk with their great Grandpa's that's on you. It's from a novel... not sure what kind of rapport you have with the author but a supernatural angle might have more appeal these days.
Third: Loose Ends - Carly and The Poachers. Carly could be a great character, when Julie sees her and Tom you could have them talking a bit about their addictions, make it a bit more personal. And don't just have her drop out of the picture at the hospital. Bring her back and add more fuel to the fire as it were. The Poachers just seem tacked on... I know, I've a similar character in my own script. Maybe have one of them more of a threat... maybe a stalker of Julie?
Fourth: Tension... or the lack there of. I recently say "Se7en" again and I discovered that if you take out the "gory" stuff, you're left with one hell of a Drama, because almost every scene is filled with tension, conflict or turmoil. I'm not saying your characters have to beat each other over the head, but there are scenes where you could really ramp it up and make this a great story.
Below are Page notes. Thoughts and stuff as I went along.
2. You say the receptionist "is clearly taken by the handsome soldier." How so? Does she blush, fix her hair, lick her lips? As they say, "Show, don't tell." I know we hear that a lot, but it's true and I believe it's small details like this that turn a good SP into a better, if not a great one.
The INT. BATHROOM scene. You use the word "things" twice, nit picky I know, but toiletries are very personal things and could be a chance to show something about him... are these Marine issue items? Does he still consider himself one? Also, the methadone, perhaps he needs another swig or flips the cap, is about to pour it down the sink, but stops. He hates the stuff but needs it. I only mention this because otherwise I feel this is wasted space.
3. This may just be me, but when you use the word "floor" it makes me feel they are indoors. You use it twice in two sentences.
4. Tom's fight scene. I think you're foreshadowing Tom's bad ass ability because he'll need it further down the road, right? It works, it's just I've seen this before, numerous times. I'm not sure how else to show this, but I'd like it better if he said nothing and just started kicking ass. Then the line about the ambulance.
7. " Second Hand Car Yard" sorry, just found that amusing.... here we say "Used Car Lot".
12. I feel you ended the scene when Julie walks in to find Tom with her father just a tad too soon. Does she blush at her words, does she eye him with daggers? And what does Tom do? It's all supposed to be about conflict and tension, right? I think you missed an opportunity there.
14. How does one "professionally" return ones eyes to the road?
17. "Tom take the (dose).
18. Roddie should struggle just a bit with his decision to tell him about Iboga. A grimace, a scratch on the chin, something. He just comes out and tells him. More conflict, even if it's internal... This stuff is illegal after all.
19. Toms' line - "Good job we can take...." is a bit confusing. See what I mean?
26. The line - " sitting on a tatty couch nursing her son." Is she breast feeding him? or tending to his wounds? In the US, "nursing" can mean both. Of course my first thoughts were...
27-28. The scene with Angus and Mary... awesome! A bit of humor, tension and conflict. Good stuff.
33. Toms' line - "I've got to go?" I think that should be a statement not a question. Also, "He grabs the bottle of methadone and swallows a tablet". I thought his methadone was a liquid and the Iboga was a pill? Just confused as to what he's taking.
46. How does Roddie know that Julie is referring to Tom's Ibogaine? She could be mad about anything. Also, she says "slap on the wrist again." Has he used this with a patient before? A bit more clarity may be in order on both things.
48. "Something catches (his) eye.
49. " I wasn't naked." Great line.
54-56. This scene is very good. But, and this is just my opinion, I think if you have Tom get actively involved it would be great.
He's pretty passive in his previous visions. If they're that "life like" and he's a trained Marine, I think he'd naturally "try"
to save Angus and Johnny. I think you could really take this up another level. Especially when Angus wants Farquar to
shoot him. Doesn't have to be a lot, as it's a pretty intense scene. Just my opinion.
56. Tom says "I haven't needed the methadone for days" and Julie says " Then stop taking it." It sounds like she means the methadone but she really means the Ibogaine. I think you need to word that better.
57. Julie's making him breakfast.... did they or didn't they? If they did, you need to add some tension, some conflict with Julie deciding to follow him into the bedroom. You can't use the dialogue above that to justify it. She has to have some inner conflict, right? Her feelings for Tom and her conviction as a peace activist are at odds here. If they didn't then they should have... it's getting late in the game.
60. All dialogue.... they're falling in love, right? Have them touch each other. A stroke of the hair, a finger along the ear, a smile when there shouldn't be one.... something. Scenes like these, it's little things that go a long way.
62. That's what I've been missing... the pauses, the beats in dialogue. Tom's line - "Exactly the same. The car stops. She gets out...." This reads like a robot is saying it, when there should be emotional stops and starts. Some people use (beat), I prefer: ... I've looked back and see that you've used it a few times... but not enough, in my opinion. Again it's a small thing, a subtle thing, but in the hands of a skilled writer can be very powerful. Turns robotic dialogue into something alive! And this scene should be alive with emotion... he doesn't have to bawl his eyes out but he seems too remote... like he doesn't care what happened, when obvioulsy he does. Just my thoughts.
71. A bit of a conflict with Tom and Julie here, but not much... You should be ramping it up. Julie gives a little speech at the end and Tom takes it - "I don't know what this is between us? A week ago..." My suggestion is to take that speech and have Tom counter point her statements. Leave us in a mess and have the audience asking how do we get through this?
75. Julie hears everything Kevin and Tom said and with a few terse words it's done. Should be a few more lines between Julie and Tom... just my opinion. If this is the end make it memorable. Have her smack him... throw some stuff at least.
89. Angus mentions "Michael" .. is that Farquar? and he does that? there? ahhh seems a bit far fetched. But why isn't Tom asking Angus why he's seeing him, of all ancestors to see? Even if he doesn't answer... I know if I were tripping I'd ask that at least.
91. Another great moment passed. Tom realizes the effects of his words on Presley and all he says is "No, Presley."?? This could be a great dramatic moment for some actor... Dawn breaks.... the clouds have parted. His guilty part, however small, is exposed to himself. A little begging, a little pleading... and then to watch it all happen again, helplessly. Could be an awesome scene.... just a thought.
93. " Our lives can be turned on the smallest of chance encounters...." Great, great line!! You should put that at the beginning somehow. Chance encounters that change us... nice theme.
94. We see him going to visit Presley, but with no tears or man hugs... another lost dramatic opportunity. We should see him at Donna's fathers house, even if brief... could be another great moment. You have the Page room for these things...
Just a thought.
Wow, good stuff!
Like I said. Very impressed, you've got a great concept, topical themes, good characters that just need a little push along to make them memorable. Your dialogue is very good, but also with a push could be great. If you put up a rewrite let me know, I'd love to see it and if you have any questions just drop me a line.
Paul
PS... where can I get me some of this Iboga?? read -
A review of AbracaDebraby BeanTown on 11/09/2011I hate to say this, but this was a very tough read, on many levels and perhaps a tougher review to write. I know that's not what one wants to hear but sometimes it's what one needs to hear. I think you've tried to take your book and turn it into a script without getting a good grasp on things like format, action, description and dialogue. A novel and a screenplay are two very... I hate to say this, but this was a very tough read, on many levels and perhaps a tougher review to write. I know that's not what one wants to hear but sometimes it's what one needs to hear.
I think you've tried to take your book and turn it into a script without getting a good grasp on things like format, action, description and dialogue. A novel and a screenplay are two very different things.
On page 1 Deb should be introduced as DEB. You should describe her a bit. Cian is not properly introduced, also, he is missing a hand is he not?. You might want to tell us that other than in the synopsis.
Your scene headings should be short and sweet.
On page 20. "EXT. SCARY LOOKING SWINGING BRIDGE OVER RUSHING RIVER, SNOWING STEADY - MOMENTS LATER" could be: EXT. ROPE BRIDGE - LATER. Then you could describe the snow and raging water.
Much of your dialogue is much too long. Pages 3,4, and 5 is almost entirely dialogue with no subtext. That's 3 minutes of just two people talking. Everyone says exactly what they're thinking. Also, no one talks the way your characters do, not even in real life. I hate to say, but after awhile it became a bit comical, but I know that wasn't your intention.
You have to many "un-filmables" in you action/ description. Example, page 15: "Debby makes a plan to pretend to go to bed and retrieve the ball while everyone is sleeping." You can't put what's in her head onto the screen. This happens throughout the script. Show don't tell.
The story was all over the place. The magic show ( which confused me, somehow I thought they'd use their knowledge of magic to help save the climbers ). The Nazis, the Doctor, The POW with one arm. The night vision experiment. And if I'm not mistaken, wasn't there a UFO, which may or may not have resulted in a baby? Too much going on and too many loose ends just left me confused and frustrated at the end.
The above is only my opinion, but I believe you'll hear similar with more reviews.
The best advice I can give is to grab a book or two on screenwriting and read more scripts both here on TriggerSt and ones of the movies you love and see what makes them work.
Also, keep writing! Good Luck.
Paul read -
A review of Relationship Sexual V9by BeanTown on 09/16/2011Probably the strangest script I've ever read. I doubt I'm your target audience. But I read it through and should therefore give my honest opinion. I've read your production notes and I'll try and address the issues you requested, but you ask for a lot and it's up to you as the writer to work through those problems. Concept - Intriguing to say the least, however you don't... Probably the strangest script I've ever read. I doubt I'm your target audience. But I read it through and should therefore give my honest opinion. I've read your production notes and I'll try and address the issues you requested, but you ask for a lot and it's up to you as the writer to work through those problems.
Concept - Intriguing to say the least, however you don't state how far into the future this is set. In this world, women have the upper hand. Positions of power and intellect. The men "seem" dimwitted and basically the best they can hope for is too sell their sperm and have a girl who gives them gifts. The women having powerful positions I can see, but the men going along with this I can't. Men are too egocentric and full of testosterone. So, unless men in the future are naturally low on testosterone or dosed to inhibit it I don't see how they'd allow this future to come about.
Story - To me it's weak. Just some girls who want to bed some guys during a party, that just happens to be in the future where cameras are everywhere... except this one house, or so they think. This party is pretty tame compared to some of the one's I've been to. There's a lot of talk which all seems too on the nose, everyone says exactly what they're thinking. The fact that they've been taped and could be arrested seems tacked on because it comes too late. The ending is just too neat and unsatisfying.
Characters - All need to be fleshed out more. They all talked alike, with the exception of Miss Stern, who seemed to be there only to provide exposition. You have to give us a reason to care for Welfare and what happens to her.... I just never connected with her because it seemed she would get exactly what she wanted, as would everyone.
Dialogue - Almost all of it is too on the nose or exposition. I would also write Lumix's dialogue the way it should be spoken and let the actor give us the "accent". There is no subtext here. You as the writer have to figure out how to have your characters tell their story... otherwise the reviewers are doing it for you.
Overall, you have an interesting concept that needs to be fleshed out more and needs to find a tone, a voice. The use of 2 sets worked fine and I did find the use of house lighting interesting. When Welfare was carried down stairs I found was a nice twist, however I think the boys spent too much time discussing the pro's and cons of the latest sexbots.
These are all just my opinions of course, so feel free to ignore them.
Good Luck with this.
Paul read -
A review of Two Manby BeanTown on 08/30/2011Let me start by saying I liked this script very much. A fast, fun and funny read that could use a bit of polishing here and there. I'll also say I'm not too keen on the title. It doesn't really tell us anything about the story. Two Man Caravan is even a bit more telling. Story: Good job. I love end of the world scenarios. I like the fact that we're not really sure what "them"... Let me start by saying I liked this script very much. A fast, fun and funny read that could use a bit of polishing here and there. I'll also say I'm not too keen on the title. It doesn't really tell us anything about the story. Two Man Caravan is even a bit more telling.
Story: Good job. I love end of the world scenarios. I like the fact that we're not really sure what "them" are. The story isn't about them, so leaving us in the dark just adds a bit of mystery. At first I thought naming them both Dave would be a bit of trouble, but I never found myself confused about who was whom ( you did, however, in a few spots, understandable though). There were points were it seemed to lag a bit. Your first 6 pages are spot on, but to me it dragged a bit after. When Dave Two goes "shopping" I think you can ramp up the action a bit. Make his run in with Them more exciting. That should speed things along til Dave One sees Christine for the first time. I'm still on the fence about the ending. I don't dislike it. I just thought it could have been bigger. i.e. both Daves were the figment of someone else's imagination... maybe the cats, I don't know.
Characters: I loved the way you gave the two Daves distinct voices. I wish you could have given Ashley a few more lines to show just how crazy or bitchy she was so when what happens to her is revealed it has that much more impact. Christine is great, but I think MacDonald could be a bit more of a bad ass at the end. Show how Dave Two has really gone off the deep end.
Page notes:
1-6 Great opening. Very funny. Dialogue is great. Sets the tone and we get a great feel for the two Daves.
I don't think boots "crunch" on wet grass... more like slop. Also I don't think - EXT. BLACKSCREEN. DAY is proper.
9- "The room is decorated"... you said it had pink wallpaper, but why mention this at all, Just tell up about the poster.
11 - He grabs Dave One (by) the throat.
12 - Dave One stands alone behind... Think you mean Dave Two and if he's outside now you need a new slugline. Then the door falls on the floor... Just confused as to where... in or out. Dave One or Two.
22 - You should indicate whether Dave One is dreaming or it's a flash back.
26 - "Would you (say) you're in a good..."
27 - "He drops his neatly on the floor" I think you mean ground... they're outside.
29 - INT. CAMPFIRE, NIGHT.... should be EXT. also, is this a dream or a flashback?
30 - "Dave One leaps of his chair..." should be Dave Two.
47 - "The newspaper has (now) been reduced..."
51 - "We see the briefest of shots of the church (door).."
"Suddenly, the slightest of slights.."? do you mean lights?
52 - "Dave One and Christine unwraps himself and stands.... should be- unwrap themselves and stand.
".. but when (he) withdraws his hand."
59 - Silence Dave One( O.S. )... think you mean Dave Two.
73- He hits Dave One hard across the face. Should be Dave Two.
77 - "Dave One sits down again satisfied." Should be Dave Two also needs a comma, I believe.
85 - Dave 2.. should be Two.
87 - Dave Two's line. "Nice one." nice one, what?
88 - EXT. WOODLAND. NIGHT. I think this should be DAY, if you look at the next few scenes you'll see what I mean.
91 - INT. WOODLANDS. DAY. Should be EXT.
Nice job.
As you see most of this is just nit picking. Lots of good laughs. I can see this being made. Few characters, few locations. Could be done on a micro-budget.
Well, I hope some of this helps but I'll be darned if I could make it better.
Good luck with this!
Paul read -
A review of The Big Paybackby BeanTown on 08/27/2011OK, Non-story stuff. My first suggestion is to run this script through spell-check. Then have someone else give it a good look over, line by line. There are just way too many misspellings, typos and grammatical errors. So many so that some of them became comical... I laughed during the read, but not for all the right reasons. I am by no means a grammar Nazi, but you don't want... OK, Non-story stuff. My first suggestion is to run this script through spell-check. Then have someone else give it a good look over, line by line. There are just way too many misspellings, typos and grammatical errors. So many so that some of them became comical... I laughed during the read, but not for all the right reasons. I am by no means a grammar Nazi, but you don't want some professional reading this only to stop because of typos that are easily fixed. (pg.45 Mike's dialogue with BRAIN (Brian),sorry just had to laugh! Proper spelling and grammar show that you not only care about your story, but you also care about your audience, the reader.
Story: You have the makings of a good revenge story. They pull off a bank job, but have one man too many. But why? I think you have to give a good reason to get rid of Mike and a good reason why Mike should keep quiet. He survives, so why not just rat on everyone??
Plausibility: Your story takes place in the "real world". As such some of the things you propose just would not happen. Tiffany and Jeff not recognizing Mike after only five years passing. Jeff and Tiffany, after having got away with millions work everyday jobs? Sorry, I'd be living on a beach somewhere. And Carter owning all those casinos, that would draw a lot attention as to how he got the money to start with. Also, the FBI just going along with Mike's plan. When writing you have to ask if these things would really happen in the world you've created.
Characters: I like Mike, it's hard not to. You get us to relate with him quickly, that's a good thing. We identify with his plight right off the bat and want to find out what he's going to do. I like the scene with Dave telling how no one liked him in HS. Funny stuff, I could picture that in my head easily. Stacy was a fun kid too. "Can you duck tape his mouth" great line. I think you need to work on Jeff and Tiffany a bit more. They only seem to be around to help Mike. Give us a reason why they'd do that so easily. Carter's a bad ass but I think you could make him more so.. just a thought.
My suggestion to you is to find some scripts you like and not just read them, but study them. What is it about them that makes them work? What makes the characters seem real? What makes you keep turning the pages? Another suggestion, write, write, then write some more. You've finished a screenplay, that's not a small achievement.
I hope some of this helps and I wish you the best of luck with it.
Paul read -
A review of 13-Romeoby BeanTown on 06/23/2011This is not a review - everything I'm about to say is my opinion... and I'm really starting to question that myself. I like your writing style. Crisp, clean and to the point. As for the story itself, on the whole I liked it. There were a few scenes I just found confusing and they pulled me out of the story, which is never a good thing. Then, of course, there are the Flashbacks... This is not a review - everything I'm about to say is my opinion... and I'm really starting to question that myself.
I like your writing style. Crisp, clean and to the point. As for the story itself, on the whole I liked it. There were a few scenes I just found confusing and they pulled me out of the story, which is never a good thing.
Then, of course, there are the Flashbacks. Should you use them, should you not? To each his own I say. The key is to get them to work. I think that most of yours are too long. They're well written and engaging, perhaps too engaging. I found myself asking where were we in the story more than once after coming back to the present. You may want to state how far back we're going also. The divorce papers figure greatly in the story but we never see them get married.on page 84 she leaves her engagement ring on the counter.
I like the idea though. A cop on his last big job, reflects back on his life with his wife... and how his job affected that relationship. I would work on making them shorter, especially as the story progresses, which you do. But I think they can be shorter. The pace should be picking up, then we slide into a three or four page flashback.
Also it may make more sense to have that first flashback when we see his medals for the first time in the locker room. Then when we first meet Amy, we can then see how he met her for the first time. Just a thought.
As I mention below your Characters Dane and Davis, not only do their names sound too much alike... but they sound too much alike in dialogue. I kept getting them confused. Shep is great! Very likable, very funny. However, it seems not many people call him that. I thinks it's not until page 57 that Dane calls him by that name. It's a great name, though.
Amy feels like she could be fleshed out more. Maybe some more conflict with Shep? It's funny but she's very similar to a character of mine... and now that I think of it, She could use some work. So, for that I thank you!
So for what it's worth that's my opinion. I enjoyed it a lot. With the flashbacks you've bitten off a lot. You're basically telling two stories within and you do a good job of it. Just needs some tightening here and there.
As I said, I do enjoy your writing style and hope to read more of your work in the future.
Best of Luck with it! Feel free to contact if you've got questions.
Paul
Page Notes:
3. I like Shep's prayer! Nice touch of humor.
4. A bit confused here.... How's it possible they shut down a Boston subway line just to give him a retirement cake? This doesn't sound plausible. This really pulled me out of the story.
5. More confusion. For every one he's made ten notifications. Notifications of death? If so... who the hell would hold on to those, and who the hell would ask such a question? Also you have a Dane and a Davis. The names are too similar, I'd change one. Something's not right with the dialogue between Dane and Shep. I think you want Dane's line.. "You're not leaving?" to be a statement not a question. Because he's obviously emptying his locker. Shep's line " It is a by-products of retirement".. just doesn't sound right, even if you lost the "s" on products. Sounds robotic.
6. Riley has a line, you should introduce him.
9. Why's Shep Busted? and for what? Why the payoff on the bet now??? Maybe minor questions but they're pulling me out of the story.
9.-10. Two pages to find out that Baxter hates golf and it reminds him that being a cop is what does.... not sure that scene is necessary. At the very least I'd shorten it.
14. Super nit picking here but doesn't the Sumner Tunnel Exit on the Boston side? I know.. who gives a shit, right?
16. Dane, the Woman and Shep all saying Holy Shit. That's a great and funny visual.
26. All of Resnick's dialogue with Baxter should be V.O. or rather, O.S. It is my understanding that Voice Over is only heard by the audience, perhaps I'm wrong.
34. "the felling felon"? I think you mean: fleeing felon. Also wouldn't Shep advise Command that the suspect might be involved in that double homicide?
35. A "prisoner transport wagon"? That's a bit too PC....I'm Irish and I still call it a Paddy Wagon.... or is paddy wagon too obscure? hell, I'm getting old.
38. Locked in the back of the car.... THAT is classic!! That would play out so well onscreen. "Only six minutes" hilarious.
41. I'll guess that his H & K MP5 is a gun. And yes it is.... and a nasty one at that. If it's a nasty looking sub-machine gun I'd just call it that. Show don't tell and expect a reader to know what that is. Unless you want them to stop reading and Google it... as I just did.
42. Just a question here. Resnick worked for a newspaper, how's he know so much about explosives? Maybe that will come to light later.
49. Watch your--- your and you're.
62. Not sure that grainy black and white screen of the hostages works. It kind of confused me. Last I remember Shep was in the hall. I think part of the problem is that the Flashbacks are too long. They're good, I get into them and then back to the present wasn't quite sure what was happening there.
70. Trent's going to help him? I'm not really buying that. The place is surrounded by police. What's he hope to achieve by doing this?
73. And now Trent's dead. That's just a bit too convenient. Seem's you took an easy way out. Kill the one hostage we don't like.....
83. A confusing scene with Amy. I take it the piece of paper on the counter was about the Bomb Tech job. Then he's packing. She tells him to get all of it?? Is she throwing him out? Then he tells her about training... but not what kind of training. Her line " I never asked you not to go" is confusing. At this point does he know that she knows about the Bomb Tech job? How does one pack meretriciously? Maybe I am stupid?
95. That was a Training Operation.... now I get it! Never occurred to me... and it may not to some other reader. You may want to make it bit more clear. Shep's fake bullet wasn't enough.
104. Line should be - Amy embraces him as he comes to.
Line should be - all we see is the light of ascension for a fallen warrior.
Not the ending I wanted, but I guess the ending this story deserves.
106. Not sure what code- seventeen was. You may want to clarify somehow as I Googled it and found that for the Boston Patrol Car Codes - 17 is car wash. I'm sure that is not your intention. I've found elsewhere that it means en route or en route to station which makes more sense and would be more poignant if we understood it's significance. read -
A review of Mr Hamilton's Bookshopby BeanTown on 05/28/2011First and foremost...BRAVO!! This is a finely crafted, well written.. actually, well told adventure. From page One I saw this unfold in my mind's eye. That, to me is the mark of a fine writer. Is it perfect.. not yet... but that's my opinion. Is it ready for a Prof. Reading... again, my opinion, YES. Basically I have to find a way to use up a 100 words to kiss your ass. But,... First and foremost...BRAVO!! This is a finely crafted, well written.. actually, well told adventure. From page One I saw this unfold in my mind's eye. That, to me is the mark of a fine writer. Is it perfect.. not yet... but that's my opinion. Is it ready for a Prof. Reading... again, my opinion, YES.
Basically I have to find a way to use up a 100 words to kiss your ass. But, that's not what you want from a review is it? So... a few things.
How does the Group know Alfie is a Reader?
Why does the character Will disappear half way through?
Do you Really want to do that to Brendan?...of course, in the end that didn't happen, but, might want some other poor soul to catch him on his way down...or not. Just a thought.
Well, sorry that's about it for the bad stuff from me.... I know a good story when I read one... and I'll be damned if I could tell you how to make this better. Perhaps a more experienced Reader has already done that. There may have been a typo or formatting issue along the way but I was too caught up in the story to really notice.
I made an attempt at page notes as you'll see below but... I'll blame it on the writer.
Notes:
1. FADE IN: on the left... or is that another British thing I have to learn?
2. young doctor -- should be introduced: young DOCTOR.
...gazes at the boy's bruised and busy head. "What's going on in there?"....Very nice writing. Sparse, but tells a lot!
3. Your description of Sophie is...very sparse, at least give an age. But, I see I'm in the hands of an experienced writer. So for now I'll shut my mouth....see where this goes.
This is one of the Best stories I've read here on TriggerStreet. Top Five, Congrats on that!.I wish you all the best and would Love to see this on The Big Screen.
Paul read -
A review of Village Life (working)by BeanTown on 04/27/2011I'll start by saying that I like the premise you have. A small family from the city moves to a quaint English town where, unbeknownst to them, everyone is a stark raving mad killer. This could be a very funny, campy sort of horror flick. But, in my opinion, you need a page one rewrite. Starting with grammar and punctuation. This script is rife with errors, which made for a... I'll start by saying that I like the premise you have. A small family from the city moves to a quaint English town where, unbeknownst to them, everyone is a stark raving mad killer. This could be a very funny, campy sort of horror flick.
But, in my opinion, you need a page one rewrite. Starting with grammar and punctuation. This script is rife with errors, which made for a tough read. You need to go through it with a fine tooth comb and correct these. Your use of apostrophes is sporadic, especially in the latter parts. You use the word your, when it should be you're... a lot. The proper spelling for "riffle" is rifle.
Screenplays should be written in present tense. You use phrases such as..."are sat", "is stood"....should be, "sit", "stands".
Also, you want to avoid -ing. Robert is walking.... is packing...should be walks...packs.
When a character is first introduced his name is all caps,(LUKE) after that, just the first letter is capitalized,(Luke)-- except in dialogue. I'm not sure what software you're using but the "Continued"'s are not needed as much as they are here. I believe you only need them if one characters dialogue is split by the page break, not different characters dialogue. If I sound harsh, I don't mean to. It's just that if someone from a production co. or an agent were to read this, it would be unceremoniously dropped in the can.
My suggestion would be to read a lot of scripts in this genre....The Evil Dead...Tremors...Drag Me To Hell, etc. Find what makes those scripts work and try to apply that to your work.(Easier said than done..right?)
As far as structure goes, I feel you need a lot of work on that also... Act 1 started out OK, but quickly bogged down. Act 2 could have been done in half the pages you used. The real action didn't start until the end of Act 3....of course I shouldn't talk, as I'm struggling with structure myself.
But, like I said before, you have the makings of a solid script. The "Luke, I'm your father." line was laugh out loud funny! Drew's character was also good, especially when he spilled the beans on himself about killing Brendan. That was funny stuff.
I wish you the best of luck with this, and keep writing!
Paul read -
A review of SERA V.3by BeanTown on 04/20/2011This is a tough one to review, maybe because I liked it so much. It's a page turner and it pulled me right in. I didn't recognize the Sampson and Delilah story at first but was pleasantly surprised when I figured it out. You did a fine job in the retelling. Some page notes. Pg.1: Your description of Carter and Valdez are tough to put on screen. "Lilah struggles against something....... This is a tough one to review, maybe because I liked it so much. It's a page turner and it pulled me right in. I didn't recognize the Sampson and Delilah story at first but was pleasantly surprised when I figured it out. You did a fine job in the retelling.
Some page notes.
Pg.1: Your description of Carter and Valdez are tough to put on screen.
"Lilah struggles against something..... A stern voice speaks" but says nothing? Is that supposed to be the guards voice in the next scene? Just a bit confusing.
Pg.3: " The nervous man from before.." I don't think you need the "from before" you just introduced him. Maybe Nervous Man is more appropriate?
Pg.5: Rusch says they won't make lunch but the meeting ends 5 seconds later?
Pg.8: Lilah's line - " I would love for you try"....I would love for you to try.
Pg.13: You should specify which woman Rusch hands the "inhaler" to.
Pg.14: Rowan's and Christopher's characters should be introduced when we first see them.
Pg.16-17: Are the Light-Rail Car, elevator and hallway scenes even necessary?
Pg.26: Kremlin asks if she murdered her father and then you show us right away that she did. Might be better to leave us lingering on that one for awhile.
Pg.32: Shouldn't the INT- JANUS CORP PRISON WING scene be a flashback? She was just in a moving vehicle with the prisoners now she's staring at the empty cell.
Pg.35: Lilah's killing of the Young Man is too easy...maybe show the Nurse walking toward the room as she's doing it, build a little suspense.
Pg.46: Valdez's line "Effective, as in less likely to blow up on our own." Needs a comma after effective...also- blow up on their own- sounds better.
Pg.48: Lilah's bomb making abilities should be foreshadowed earlier. We know she's a trained killer, but it would be more believable if we saw this ability before hand.
Pg.49: ...she grabs a ballpoint pin. - do you mean ballpoint pen?
Pg.58: Emmanuelle's line "Keep your hands off me you son of whore" - should be "son of a whore."
Pg.70: The "bloodbath" seems to happen pretty quickly. Carter had killed Damon only a minute or so ago.
Pg.74: Carter and Lilah having sex?? He just got shot and we saw no inkling of attraction before this...seems like a stretch.
Pg.79: Carter's line " For reminding me about love." Sorry, just sounds corny... and it looked more like lust to me.
Pg.107: I would have liked to see Valdez struggle more with his decision whether to kill her or not....could use a bit more tension.
As I said, it was a page turner. You have a finely crafted story here that needs just a bit of work.
My biggest problem lies with Carter's character....I think he needs to be fleshed out a little more.
I hope some of this helps and I wish you the best of luck.
Paul read -
A review of Cupid: God of Loveby BeanTown on 03/28/2011I like the premise- Cupid gets clipped by a car and is nursed back to health by a heartbroken guy and his stoner buddy. However, the story was too formulaic for me. It's a cardboard cut-out of the Rom-Com genre. Join me on the page notes: Pg 1: POV- you use it to much. Once to establish the birds POV is enough. Hmm, a song I don't know...maybe I should stop reading and hop... I like the premise- Cupid gets clipped by a car and is nursed back to health by a heartbroken guy and his stoner buddy. However, the story was too formulaic for me. It's a cardboard cut-out of the Rom-Com genre.
Join me on the page notes:
Pg 1: POV- you use it to much. Once to establish the birds POV is enough. Hmm, a song I don't know...maybe I should stop reading and hop over to Youtube and check it out. ( too many songs you'd need to get the rights to- I'd drop them all)
Shouldn't they react to the bird slamming their window, I know I would. Could do something funny with that.
Pg. 3: To prove her point she tries to kiss him. I like that- Show don't tell.
Pg 4: Is it just me or does it seem that in every Rom-Com someone drives like shit and gets flipped off? Also, giving the finger is action, it's doesn't belong under the woman's line.
Another song ( see note above)...he hates Neil Diamond?? I love his songs.
Here's the stoner buddy, everyone has one right? ....Radley Stokes.. great name!
Pg 5: (surprised) (franticly looking around) too many parentheticals...should be used very sparingly....frantically is correct spelling.
Pg 7: Abbey's sidekick...let me guess, she's either A: A slut, B: A prudish busybody or C: A wacko.
A it is!
Pg 8: Clayton- goodlooking... but a dick, right? The wrong man for Abbey. Hmmm, think I've seen this before.
Pg 11: Brett starts getting depressed more...bad grammar and how do you put that on screen?
Pg 14: Rad looks at Cupid, then bong..tosses bong. Been there done that! Change it up...have him take a bigger hit!
Pg 15-38: Standard fare....some funny stuff from Rad ( I like him) but, sorry, nothing to write home about. The title is CUPID but he hasn't done much.
Pg 39: So that's why Terry's in the script.
Pg 41: The set-up. Bad.... don't show us Lamar next to the girl.....we can see what's going to happen a mile away. And who the hell is GARY???
Pg 42-44: Yakkety Yak....too much talk..throw some action in there.
Pg 45: "I'll be home by six"...not hope.
Pg 46-51: ZZZZZzzzzzz.. I see a trend here. Brett and Abbey= boring - Rad and Cupid, not so much.
Pg 53. Scene with the Elderly Woman..funny!
Pg 58: "Do we have any more soap" funny line.
Pg 66: Who's this Pam?? Describe her before you give her a line. Ohh, she's a slut too.
Pg 73: Finally... some real conflict. Clayton knows about Cupid.
Word "granger" should be grandeur. Clayton's line should be " the God of love."
Pg 79: What's up with the tape recorder?
Pg 85: Nice twist on the Gage scene!
Pg 89: Brett's line- should read: "Yeah, I just got back."
Pg 90: Bret takes a takes another....needs correction.
Pg 93: Hey look...kidnappers playing cards, ZZZZZzzzzzz. Tommy and Tony...hmmm me thinks some Man on Man action..courtesy of Cupid is in the near future.
Pg 97: Bingo...Tommy and Tony...I wonder if it'll last?
Pg 102: Morning Show Set- Day.... if it's live TV shouldn't it be morning? And what happened to the gang? They were catching a cab....and then they watch on the 6 o'clock news.....dickheads.
OK, if I appear cynical, it's because I am. Rom Com scripts are less than a dime a dozen.(I don't think you can give them away) You have a good idea here, that could be Great. You just need to shake it around, twist it on it's head and come up with something that makes Your story stand above all others.
Your main characters are boring....I liked Rad, Kate and even found Chet more interesting. I wanted to care for B and A , but honestly they put me to sleep. Maybe Rad should be the star?? Also, Cupid needs to be bumped up a few notches...he's not a real character...more like a plot tool for things to happen. He's also pretty passive...no conflict with him. If his powers are a bit off kilter perhaps if you get hit with his arrow, you HATE the first person you see??? or turn into a Zombie..Zombies sell.
I think if you start on page 1 and just kick the shit out of this script, you'll have something! Of course that's easier said than done...but you're the writer and I can't tell you what to do or how to do it.
Just so it doesn't sound all bad, you have a good comedic sense. Rad and Kate had some really great lines that me laugh out loud. If you can just tap that part a bit more...
Good Luck...and if you do another draft I'll def. take a look.
Paul read
Comments About BeanTown 30
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DebraSwan on 05/16/2012
Where ya been - Bean? -
Corlis Benefideo on 01/21/2012
Hi BeanTown, just writing to say thank you for posting your kind comment on my profile. It really means a lot to me and my co-writer that you remembered our script after all this time! To answer your question, there's been a lot of movement with the script since the end of last year, but I don't wanna say anything in case I jinx it. Hope you understand, and watch this space.
And thanks again for the comment - it really gave us a boost! -
MaxWatt on 01/07/2012
Haha thanks. It's a good thing it doesn't exist! -
kevinwriter65 on 12/14/2011
Thanks for your helpful review. The notes are great, you've pointed out some plot holes that I intend to plug. (Also, you're the third consecutive reviewer to suggest a new title. You think I need a new title? :)
Thanks again. KM -
DebraSwan on 11/25/2011
BeanTown wrote:Hi Debra, just noticed your short story "Boot Camp" was Featured. Congratulations on that!
Paul
Thanks Paul for letting me know - I didn't realize it was being highlighted at all! I'm not sure how the system decides which are worthy - happy to see this one is.
Cheers,
Debra -
Johnstone82 on 11/18/2011
Ha, yeah but they wouldn't have gotten to the crazy stuff if they only read fifteen pages. They gave some excellent advice, though. I'll have to consider what's for dinner... -
hywelberry on 11/16/2011
Hi Paul, Thank you so much for your review of "The Iboga Visions", . Very detailed and lots of really useful stuff to think about and work on. Hopefully I can repay the favor sometime. -
J. O'Hanley on 11/11/2011
Hey there, glad the review was helpful. If you're at the start of your screenwriting "arc," I think you're in a pretty good place compared to many.
And "7900" isn't in the assignment generator right now, it's got a lot of pending assignments and isn't getting deleted, so I'm too scared to put credits on it. It'll be back in there at some point though.
Best of luck! -
Chandraloka on 11/10/2011
Thanks for reading and reviewing AbracaDebra. You are absolutely correct about just wanting to turn my book into a viable screenplay. I bought Screenwriter Magic, read through the little book, and wrote my script. The format and dialogue obviously have some of my writing style and may not be classroom perfect. I did not worry too much about the presentation since I know that scripts are torn apart and sometimes are hardly recognizable after the producers and directors get their hands on them. The story is the important part in this screenplay and it may seem convoluted, but every aspect included is very important to the whole. There are parts in the screenplay that refer to Cian's missing left hand. I deliberately did not give overt physical descriptions of my characters. Other than using someone who is an amputee for casting Cian, my characters are anyone and everyone. When you see the flow of the story when it is produced, the scenes will become clearer. It is not an easy read as you indicated. Actually, I do speak in the same manner as my characters, and so do people I know. There are unanswered questions that will be addressed in the sequel. (not a UFO) -
DebraSwan on 09/29/2011
Just want to say it was fun kibitzing with you in the MLB 2011 thread... looking forward to another good time, virtually speaking, next season.
Cheers,
Debra
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Comments About BeanTown 30
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Quote
Where ya been - Bean?
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Quote
Hi BeanTown, just writing to say thank you for posting your kind comment on my profile. It really means a lot to me and my co-writer that you remembered our script after all this time! To answer your question, there's been a lot of movement with the script since the end of last year, but I don't wanna say anything in case I jinx it. Hope you understand, and watch this space.
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Quote
Haha thanks. It's a good thing it doesn't exist!
+ more commentsDebraSwan on 05/16/2012
Corlis Benefideo on 01/21/2012
And thanks again for the comment - it really gave us a boost!
MaxWatt on 01/07/2012