BethN21286

Submissions by BethN21286

Dinner and a show

a screenplay by BethN21286

Genres: crime, drama, historical

When a Hollywood movie director, his cast and his muse roll into town they bring a media circus with them. But... more

Reviews by BethN21286 4

A real mixed bag

A review of LIGHTING THE MENORAH (Revised)

by BethN21286 on 12/24/2007

To start off with, well done. You actually made me laugh out loud on several occasions which isn't common when reading a whole script in one go. The confessional + bring your kid to work day moment is hilarious. There is a good story base here but it is an idea that's been tackled before many times. The same could be said for most stories I guess but I've seen it done better... To start off with, well done. You actually made me laugh out loud on several occasions which isn't common when reading a whole script in one go. The confessional + bring your kid to work day moment is hilarious.

There is a good story base here but it is an idea that's been tackled before many times. The same could be said for most stories I guess but I've seen it done better which is probably my point. You do seem to make quite a lot of generalisations about jewish culture which gives the script a darker tone you don't want in a comedy.

A first draft is all about making mistakes, formatting especially which needs more attention here. When you end a scene it is clearer if you put a transition in before the scene heading for the next part and make sure to right justify them when you do.
Try not to capitalise words in descriptions like HAIR and SMOKE on p51 it's very distracting and doesn't really serve a purpose. Adding Camera Directions is also a no no, some directors don't mind them but you seem to have used just one in the whole piece, p47.

There are some silly mistakes in there where you've missed out single words in sentences, happens all the time when you're thinking and typing fast, p85&86 in particular. Also there are one or two wrong word usages, mad at hell rather than mad as hell on p68.

One thing I have noticed is some details which jar with reality, popcorn and a large soda for just over $5 is dirt cheap and when you listen through a wall with a glass you listen to the flat end so water wouldn't run into Aidans ear.

In terms of characterisation you've managed to give just about everyone their own little exposition moment, whether Mrs Horovitz with her hair or Joseph with his parents. In the beginning you state that Rachel is very sarcastic but we don't really see much of that from her. In her first scene with Aidan at the grocery store she flips between angel and bitch very abruptly, some general cynicism towards aidan early on would ease the transition.

Aidan in himself seems to be three different guys all the time, the minute you think he's made the transition from bad guy to loved-up puppy the bad guy is back. Making fat jokes about Martha or giving the impression being with Rachel is all about sex doesn't endear him to the audience once he's supposed to have made the change. A reformed hero should be reformed.

The story as a whole flows quite well but it does suffer from a chronic Aidan overdose, it's crying out for a secondary storyline as it's very hard to keep people's attention for this length of time with a single linear story.

And finally it may just be my opinion but I think a reality check is definitely needed here, the number of things which jarred with me as implausable is quite large.
Aidan saying him and his father are close when they happily try and batter each other with canes. Mr Sullivan getting away with lying that he was shot on the job as a cop would never last this long.
Rachel giving in to a date with Aidan after such a lame speech is laughable, and makes her look like a weak heroine.
The circumcision scene is like something from American Pie, the rest of your script deserves much better and there is no way in hell Joseph would agree to to help.

Having said all that it probably sounds like I didn't enjoy the script at all which is not the case. It has moments of real comedy, i'll remember Aidan emerging from the kitchen covered in flour and dessert after the older brother's comments about cooking kids for a while. Good luck with the edit the second draft could be really good. read

Comments About BethN21286 3

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rolyat_au on 02/15/2008

Hi Beth - more than happy for you to use my review in your assessment, and I'm glad you found it useful! I really look forward to reading your revisions in the future, so please let me know when they're ready!
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Eulalia on 02/15/2008

Crime SP are the hardest genre to write, in my opinion, because the audience expects clues, want to suspect one or another of the characters, experience set-backs in light of new clues... change their mind... and we need to give them concrete facts and then some.

I am new at this genre, and had a lot of expository dialogue in the first two drafts... but I just keep weeding it out and substituting it for images. They come, eventually, if you submerge yourself in the story. You seem like a "natural" in a lot of ways, and that is something that no "How To" book can instill in someone. Keep at it, and feel free to get in touch if you feel like it. Glad to be of some help... Regards, Eu
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BethN21286 on 11/08/2007

Happy to talk over any of my reviews, you know where to find me.

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Submissions by BethN21286

Reviews by BethN21286 4

Comments About BethN21286 3

rolyat_au on 02/15/2008

Eulalia on 02/15/2008

BethN21286 on 11/08/2007

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Submissions by BethN21286

Reviews by BethN21286 4

Comments About BethN21286 3

rolyat_au on 02/15/2008

Eulalia on 02/15/2008

BethN21286 on 11/08/2007

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