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bha26
I write sometimes. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm4160764/...
Bio
I write sometimes. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm4160764/
Submissions by bha26
-
a screenplay by bha26
Tagline- How can you convince a girl you're the man of her dreams when she doesn't know who the f@ck you are? Logline-... more
-
a screenplay by bha26Genres: comedy
In order to sway two girls they like from enjoying the nightlife offered by a neighboring county, two bar hoppers... more
Reviews by bha26 254
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A review of THE FOURTH WHEELby bha26 on 05/17/2011On page 8 you say, "Colin slowly turns back." A wise man once said that you can't go back in a screenplay so that was a big no no. In fact I was about to delete the assignment after that but instead I decided to read on. And by golly, I'm glad I did. Swell job, fellas! Honestly, great script. Liked it before. Like it more now. It's Studio ready. No doubt. My only major... On page 8 you say, "Colin slowly turns back." A wise man once said that you can't go back in a screenplay so that was a big no no. In fact I was about to delete the assignment after that but instead I decided to read on.
And by golly, I'm glad I did.
Swell job, fellas!
Honestly, great script. Liked it before. Like it more now. It's Studio ready. No doubt. My only major issue with it before was that the whole stock option/taking over Colin's company was a bit confusing to me. Not anymore. It's clarified so I think this is good to send out as is.
Just have a couple super minor suggestions that I noticds.
Pg 31. Colin mentions that he hadn't scene the Ella sex tape. Maybe it would be funny if he mentions a vivid detail that he didn't see which of course proves he had. Just seems a few funny details about the actual tape couldn't hurt.
Same page and this is my only issue at all with the script. Colin tells Phillip that he only does his service for clients that are in love. Not sure if this completely computes after he tells Joey earlier that he's sworn off love. I get why you have it in there. It makes him more likable and later on when we learn about Colin's own cock block debacle it makes sense but at the time it seems forced. Doesn't seem like something he would necessarily care about. But again I get why it's in there and like I said this is good to go.
One other small comic suggestion. After Colin get high and ask for the Oreo I think you could instead go for a more visual joke. Something like "I'll have what she's having" and then he points to someone who's not ever there (or we actually see a hallucination manifest itself) or maybe he points to a squirrel eating a nut. Just anything. You've got the visual humor down pat. Could be another chance for it.
But that's it. This is great. All the new jokes (Donald Trump, only poor people pay taxes etc..) really work and all the side characters bring a lot to the table. And great transition from scene to scene. Some readers may not pick up on how clever they are but almost every scene transitions just right. You guys did all the small things right which really make this stand out. And it's flat out funny which doesn't hurt.
Good luck with it. read -
A review of Dreamstrideby bha26 on 10/29/2010Okay, so there are some interesting ideas in here but overall this was a tough read for me. I don't mean to be discouraging or condescending with this review, just trying to help you get this script where it needs to be. The first thing I think you need to do with is go back and re-write it into the correct format. Meaning a ton (the majority) is written in the past tense... Okay, so there are some interesting ideas in here but overall this was a tough read for me. I don't mean to be discouraging or condescending with this review, just trying to help you get this script where it needs to be.
The first thing I think you need to do with is go back and re-write it into the correct format. Meaning a ton (the majority) is written in the past tense. I'm certainly no stickler when it comes to the "rules" but this read for the most part more like a book, then a screenplay. Far too much passive language and far too much in the past tense. Everything needs to be active and present when you're writing your action lines.
Same goes for all the unfilmables. Again, I don't even mind a few here and there. If done for stylistic purposes. But here the script was littered with the inner thoughts of the characters. Doing that once and while to help an actor know their motivation is fine but nearly every scene was full of things that audience just won't be able to see. You gotta think more visually with this. Show their motivations through actions or dialogue. Not thoughts. It really felt while reading this that it would have been better suited as a book then a script. If your intent on making this a workable script go back and make those changes and it will help immensely.
Now as far as the story goes this is tricky because making a story about dreams work on screen in tough. It's been done very well. Dreamscape, Inception, Vanilla Sky. What makes these work though is that there is an exciting narrative driving the story forward. All the audience is kept on their heels because there not sure if what they're seeing is a dream or reality.
Here it's basically two guys in a room sitting and talking about one guys dreams. That makes for a tough read because there is nothing usually more uninteresting then when someone comes up to you and wants to tell you their dream. And essentially that's what you have here. It really seems like you need to get this story out of that shrink's office at times. Sure we leave there in flashbacks(need to labeled) and dreams(also need to labeled unless you are trying to be ambiguous if something is a dream or reality) but having the whole crux of the narrative discussions between two characters seems to be holding this back.
Why not start and show the murder and then move backwards to childhood? And then to when they first meet? Mix the dreams in between. You can really play with non-linear storytelling here and you do to a degree but it's all just told to us. Takes some mystery out of it. And still I was left confused.
Confused why he couldn't kill himself. Confused as to why the gun went off and killed her. Did he never really try and kill himself. Did he intentionally murder her? Interesting if true and a good way to take this but I wasn't sure. It didn't seem like he was crazy. It didn't seem that he didn't know what was reality. Just that he strongly remembered and interpreted dreams. It's hard to see a movie in that concept.
And the ending? Sorry, I just didn't get what it was trying to say.
It's obvious when reading this that you've put a lot into it and that this is a subject matter that interests you greatly. Good. That's a good start. I just think both the mechanics of the writing and the clarity of the storytelling need to be improved for you to really get forward your take on obsession and all the other things you're trying to tell the audience. Best of luck with it. read -
A review of Who Iced Frosty V.2by bha26 on 10/28/2010It wasn't so long as a Cincinnati second that I didn't either have a smile on face or genuine laughter when reading "Who Iced Frosty." This was a truly inventive script from an obviously gifted comic writer. What makes this work so well is that nearly every line you went for a joke and almost always hit. Now it's easy enough to always try for a funny line, tougher to actually... It wasn't so long as a Cincinnati second that I didn't either have a smile on face or genuine laughter when reading "Who Iced Frosty." This was a truly inventive script from an obviously gifted comic writer.
What makes this work so well is that nearly every line you went for a joke and almost always hit. Now it's easy enough to always try for a funny line, tougher to actually succeed and tougher still to be able to tell a coherent story with this many one liners but you pulled it off. That's due I think in most part to your characters. They really jump off the page. Cisco as the lovable curmudgeon and Carmine as the bumbling sidekick were perfect comic foils. And the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy etc... you took characters we all know and made them your own. Santa as a crime lord? Great.
And the "voice". You got one. It's important. As important as anything. This will make a hell of a writing sample.
Okay, so basically all of this works for me. The laughs, the characters. This will a fairly short review because I only have a couple of small notes. Overall though, a job well done.
--A small place where you may have missed a comic moment was the death of Santa. It's super minor but when Cisco first fires those three shots without aiming that should kill Santa right there. It would be a funny counterbalance to all the tactics used by Santa to take him out. You have him kill just a moment later anyways so I don't think it would hurt to just have him do it on his first attempt.
--A little bigger issue was that I was never really sure why Betty killed everyone. Maybe I just missed it but I never really understood her motive. Don't get me wrong, I like that it was her that did it. I really like the misdirection when you made it seem like Santa was the mastermind. You kept me guessing throughout, but I still think a little bit more clarification on why she did it in the first place is needed. Her motives for taking out Cisco were fine. All the making Santa jealous stuff? Good. But her original motivation? Still not sure.
--On a more general note and I'm sure you've heard this already but I don't know if this is really tailor made to be a spec or just a great writing sample. Now would I like this movie if it got made? Absolutely. And I think you could cast the shit out of it. But just who is the audience for it? I think personally because you generally play it clean and just imply adult situations (liked the wink, wink PG comment) that it could work for both kids and adults but was that your aim? And I do think although the violence is tame that watching the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus meet their maker will probably disturb quite a few children. So I don't know if this is something a studio would necessarily greenlight but I don't think that really matters and I certainly won't count it against you. As a writing sample this is great stuff. Should be able to get you meeting and hopefully pick up some comic assignment work. All and all that's a successful script to me. Well done.
And in closing here was my favorite line. Not sure why. Maybe because it's just so ridiculous but it cracked me up.
"We wanted lots of
children: he’s a rabbit, and I hate
having to pay kids for teeth."
read
Write a Comment
Submissions by bha26
-
a screenplay by bha26
Tagline- How can you convince a girl you're the man of her dreams when she doesn't know who the f@ck you are? Logline-... more
-
a screenplay by bha26Genres: comedy
In order to sway two girls they like from enjoying the nightlife offered by a neighboring county, two bar hoppers... more
Reviews by bha26 254
-
A review of THE FOURTH WHEELby bha26 on 05/17/2011On page 8 you say, "Colin slowly turns back." A wise man once said that you can't go back in a screenplay so that was a big no no. In fact I was about to delete the assignment after that but instead I decided to read on. And by golly, I'm glad I did. Swell job, fellas! Honestly, great script. Liked it before. Like it more now. It's Studio ready. No doubt. My only major... On page 8 you say, "Colin slowly turns back." A wise man once said that you can't go back in a screenplay so that was a big no no. In fact I was about to delete the assignment after that but instead I decided to read on.
And by golly, I'm glad I did.
Swell job, fellas!
Honestly, great script. Liked it before. Like it more now. It's Studio ready. No doubt. My only major issue with it before was that the whole stock option/taking over Colin's company was a bit confusing to me. Not anymore. It's clarified so I think this is good to send out as is.
Just have a couple super minor suggestions that I noticds.
Pg 31. Colin mentions that he hadn't scene the Ella sex tape. Maybe it would be funny if he mentions a vivid detail that he didn't see which of course proves he had. Just seems a few funny details about the actual tape couldn't hurt.
Same page and this is my only issue at all with the script. Colin tells Phillip that he only does his service for clients that are in love. Not sure if this completely computes after he tells Joey earlier that he's sworn off love. I get why you have it in there. It makes him more likable and later on when we learn about Colin's own cock block debacle it makes sense but at the time it seems forced. Doesn't seem like something he would necessarily care about. But again I get why it's in there and like I said this is good to go.
One other small comic suggestion. After Colin get high and ask for the Oreo I think you could instead go for a more visual joke. Something like "I'll have what she's having" and then he points to someone who's not ever there (or we actually see a hallucination manifest itself) or maybe he points to a squirrel eating a nut. Just anything. You've got the visual humor down pat. Could be another chance for it.
But that's it. This is great. All the new jokes (Donald Trump, only poor people pay taxes etc..) really work and all the side characters bring a lot to the table. And great transition from scene to scene. Some readers may not pick up on how clever they are but almost every scene transitions just right. You guys did all the small things right which really make this stand out. And it's flat out funny which doesn't hurt.
Good luck with it. read -
A review of Dreamstrideby bha26 on 10/29/2010Okay, so there are some interesting ideas in here but overall this was a tough read for me. I don't mean to be discouraging or condescending with this review, just trying to help you get this script where it needs to be. The first thing I think you need to do with is go back and re-write it into the correct format. Meaning a ton (the majority) is written in the past tense... Okay, so there are some interesting ideas in here but overall this was a tough read for me. I don't mean to be discouraging or condescending with this review, just trying to help you get this script where it needs to be.
The first thing I think you need to do with is go back and re-write it into the correct format. Meaning a ton (the majority) is written in the past tense. I'm certainly no stickler when it comes to the "rules" but this read for the most part more like a book, then a screenplay. Far too much passive language and far too much in the past tense. Everything needs to be active and present when you're writing your action lines.
Same goes for all the unfilmables. Again, I don't even mind a few here and there. If done for stylistic purposes. But here the script was littered with the inner thoughts of the characters. Doing that once and while to help an actor know their motivation is fine but nearly every scene was full of things that audience just won't be able to see. You gotta think more visually with this. Show their motivations through actions or dialogue. Not thoughts. It really felt while reading this that it would have been better suited as a book then a script. If your intent on making this a workable script go back and make those changes and it will help immensely.
Now as far as the story goes this is tricky because making a story about dreams work on screen in tough. It's been done very well. Dreamscape, Inception, Vanilla Sky. What makes these work though is that there is an exciting narrative driving the story forward. All the audience is kept on their heels because there not sure if what they're seeing is a dream or reality.
Here it's basically two guys in a room sitting and talking about one guys dreams. That makes for a tough read because there is nothing usually more uninteresting then when someone comes up to you and wants to tell you their dream. And essentially that's what you have here. It really seems like you need to get this story out of that shrink's office at times. Sure we leave there in flashbacks(need to labeled) and dreams(also need to labeled unless you are trying to be ambiguous if something is a dream or reality) but having the whole crux of the narrative discussions between two characters seems to be holding this back.
Why not start and show the murder and then move backwards to childhood? And then to when they first meet? Mix the dreams in between. You can really play with non-linear storytelling here and you do to a degree but it's all just told to us. Takes some mystery out of it. And still I was left confused.
Confused why he couldn't kill himself. Confused as to why the gun went off and killed her. Did he never really try and kill himself. Did he intentionally murder her? Interesting if true and a good way to take this but I wasn't sure. It didn't seem like he was crazy. It didn't seem that he didn't know what was reality. Just that he strongly remembered and interpreted dreams. It's hard to see a movie in that concept.
And the ending? Sorry, I just didn't get what it was trying to say.
It's obvious when reading this that you've put a lot into it and that this is a subject matter that interests you greatly. Good. That's a good start. I just think both the mechanics of the writing and the clarity of the storytelling need to be improved for you to really get forward your take on obsession and all the other things you're trying to tell the audience. Best of luck with it. read -
A review of Who Iced Frosty V.2by bha26 on 10/28/2010It wasn't so long as a Cincinnati second that I didn't either have a smile on face or genuine laughter when reading "Who Iced Frosty." This was a truly inventive script from an obviously gifted comic writer. What makes this work so well is that nearly every line you went for a joke and almost always hit. Now it's easy enough to always try for a funny line, tougher to actually... It wasn't so long as a Cincinnati second that I didn't either have a smile on face or genuine laughter when reading "Who Iced Frosty." This was a truly inventive script from an obviously gifted comic writer.
What makes this work so well is that nearly every line you went for a joke and almost always hit. Now it's easy enough to always try for a funny line, tougher to actually succeed and tougher still to be able to tell a coherent story with this many one liners but you pulled it off. That's due I think in most part to your characters. They really jump off the page. Cisco as the lovable curmudgeon and Carmine as the bumbling sidekick were perfect comic foils. And the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy etc... you took characters we all know and made them your own. Santa as a crime lord? Great.
And the "voice". You got one. It's important. As important as anything. This will make a hell of a writing sample.
Okay, so basically all of this works for me. The laughs, the characters. This will a fairly short review because I only have a couple of small notes. Overall though, a job well done.
--A small place where you may have missed a comic moment was the death of Santa. It's super minor but when Cisco first fires those three shots without aiming that should kill Santa right there. It would be a funny counterbalance to all the tactics used by Santa to take him out. You have him kill just a moment later anyways so I don't think it would hurt to just have him do it on his first attempt.
--A little bigger issue was that I was never really sure why Betty killed everyone. Maybe I just missed it but I never really understood her motive. Don't get me wrong, I like that it was her that did it. I really like the misdirection when you made it seem like Santa was the mastermind. You kept me guessing throughout, but I still think a little bit more clarification on why she did it in the first place is needed. Her motives for taking out Cisco were fine. All the making Santa jealous stuff? Good. But her original motivation? Still not sure.
--On a more general note and I'm sure you've heard this already but I don't know if this is really tailor made to be a spec or just a great writing sample. Now would I like this movie if it got made? Absolutely. And I think you could cast the shit out of it. But just who is the audience for it? I think personally because you generally play it clean and just imply adult situations (liked the wink, wink PG comment) that it could work for both kids and adults but was that your aim? And I do think although the violence is tame that watching the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus meet their maker will probably disturb quite a few children. So I don't know if this is something a studio would necessarily greenlight but I don't think that really matters and I certainly won't count it against you. As a writing sample this is great stuff. Should be able to get you meeting and hopefully pick up some comic assignment work. All and all that's a successful script to me. Well done.
And in closing here was my favorite line. Not sure why. Maybe because it's just so ridiculous but it cracked me up.
"We wanted lots of
children: he’s a rabbit, and I hate
having to pay kids for teeth."
read -
A review of Close Your Eyes And Floor Itby bha26 on 06/16/2010Overall I really liked this one. This is probably going to be a pretty short review because I only really had one problem with it. Plus it's obvious this is a script that was a personal one and a labor of love and really you need to take everyone's suggestions with a grain of salt on a project this personal. Sure if someone throws out a great idea, take it, but you gotta go... Overall I really liked this one. This is probably going to be a pretty short review because I only really had one problem with it. Plus it's obvious this is a script that was a personal one and a labor of love and really you need to take everyone's suggestions with a grain of salt on a project this personal. Sure if someone throws out a great idea, take it, but you gotta go with your heart on this one because that's clearly where this was written from.
I really liked the way you told the story. The non-linear structure worked like a charm. As did the voice over. In the hands of a lesser writer this could have really been a jumbled mess but you handled it deftly and the transitions back to different time periods were well placed and always showed a purpose.
One other note before I get to my one issue is that The Replacements were a group that have pretty much passed me by. I've heard about them a lot over the years but never really delved into their catalog but when reading this I played a bunch of their songs on youtube and it was really cool that some of the clips on there were from the venue in the script. Made it really easy to visualize the scenes and after hearing the songs and reading this I'm definitely going to have to go back listen to more of their stuff. Impressive.
Okay so my big issue with the script is that I never really got what Jimmy's impetus to change was. It seemed he went from being a drunk with no job living with his mother to a guy with a purpose almost instantaneously. How it read to me (and I may have missed something) was that the catalyst for the change was the conversation with his mom. But that didn't ring true to me because it seems like that would have been a conversation they would have had a thousand times before. So what was it it 2001 that really made him decide to clean up his act.
Now it could have been the recording from Bob (and had he heard that before? I wasn't sure) but at that point he had already went out and got the job etc.. If you placed him listening to that before it could work but I just really think there needs to be a more clear cut catalyst for him making the move over to Japan.
Now it seems that the catalyst should have been Bob's death and he should have made that move back in 95. I suspect you had a good reason for not doing that. I think it was probably a time frame thing where you needed him to be separated from his daughter for longer and have her be a bit older when they reconnected. If that's the case I understand why you made that choice but I still think you need to hit the reason a bit harder why he cleans up.
I'll admit that once he goes over to Japan in the final act that the script was losing some steam for me. Not only because that one issue I had before but also because I just missed the scenes with him and Bob and the scenes of the heyday of the group. That shit was all pretty much perfect and the Japan stuff didn't strike the same chord for me. But I must say you won be back at the end. Jimmy and Aiko's walk to Bob's bench with their guitars was perfect. It made the scenes that preceded it worth it for me. I wouldn't change a thing with your final pages. Ended on the right note.
So yeah, I really liked it. I see you're not looking to sell it but don't sell yourself short with this one. It has real potential and I imagine there is a big fanbase that would line up to see this story. Either way I could tell that this was a story that you needed to tell and you told it well. Nice job. read -
A review of It's a Long Way to Tipperary (rv 4)by bha26 on 05/22/2010A mixed bag for me. In general I found this an enjoyable read and certainly liked the concept. You won't be getting knocked down any points for originality. And it's hard to knock any plot points or anything for that matter in a story like this because realism isn't what you're really looking for. I need to buy character motivations and for the most part I did. Paddy's fear... A mixed bag for me. In general I found this an enjoyable read and certainly liked the concept. You won't be getting knocked down any points for originality.
And it's hard to knock any plot points or anything for that matter in a story like this because realism isn't what you're really looking for. I need to buy character motivations and for the most part I did. Paddy's fear of being choked to death was a good enough catalyst for him making the trek to the USA. Wasn't exactly sure what Father Patrick and Sean's reason for going was but I'll buy it. Maybe they just wanted a little adventure. Not sure but it wouldn't hurt clarifying it a bit. And obviously Arthur's motivation was a good one. Making things right with his daughter and bringing his killers to justice. The fact that he couldn't remember what he was after was a nice touch and worked logically seeing how he was dead.
Overall the story read a little uneven to me. I really liked your opening. I loved the back and forth between Paddy and his wife. I could have read a script of nothing but those two criticizing each other and I would have been happy. I actually wish his wife was going along for the trip. You seemed to really be in your comic wheelhouse with those two. Maybe consider bringing her along?
Once the story got going and they headed over to the US it kind of meandered for me for a bit. Wasn't really sure what the point was. Once they lost him on the train and Paddy found the picture of the girl the story found its footing again. For most of the rest of the script I was entertained and intrigued so I think overall you're onto something but to me the last half read far better than the first.
So as well all know comedy is subjective and again hear I think the humor was a bit uneven Like I said really liked the wife stuff and most of the conversational humor between the lads worked well for me. Not so well is when you went after the one liners. "Got Milk" for example. I thought there were plenty of lines like this (usually uttered by Arthur) that came off flat. Again, just my opinion but sticking to the conversational humor seems to be your best comic tool.
But I imagine some of the visual humor that doesn't come across as strong on the page would be quite funny on the screen. Gags like the Home Depot stuff should work well.
As far as tone goes it seems to work pretty well. I wasn't sure about the hold up at the house at the end. Almost seemed that it was going to turn into some Tarrentino like shoot-out but you resolved it well. Really liked Sean hopping on Paddy's back at the end. Perfect ending.
One other small thought is you introduction of Maria. I know it's kind of a cheat but I think you should first introduce her to us as Gravedigger Girl or something like that. Don't give us her name because we obviously know when they search for her who she is. As a reader I like to know as much as the audience. Nothing more, nothing less. I know it's not some mind blowing twist that she turns out to be the girl from the cemetery but I still would like that reveal to come when it happens for the characters.
So a pretty good draft. Not necessarily my type of story but I can see people getting a kick out of it. Good luck with it. read -
A review of Accidental Zeroby bha26 on 05/13/2010Good job on this one. Well written, some good visual and dialogue based humor and some solid social commentary about our fame obsessed culture without ever getting too heavy handed. And some real good character work as well. That's especially the case with Pam who really stole every scene she was in. When she entered the picture the script really took off and nearly every line... Good job on this one. Well written, some good visual and dialogue based humor and some solid social commentary about our fame obsessed culture without ever getting too heavy handed. And some real good character work as well. That's especially the case with Pam who really stole every scene she was in. When she entered the picture the script really took off and nearly every line that came out of her mouth was witty, funny and true to her character. And Colt cracked me up quite a bit. That type of humor is right up my alley. Most of the humor here worked for me. Bern's reaction to Pam's lesbian fling being just one example. Good stuff.
Have a few comments and suggestions but overall going to give this one good grades. It's well deserved.
--So Bern's back story doesn't completely work for me because I never really get the sense how that defines him. Even if you keep it as is, I'd take out the flashback at the beginning. Seems unnecessary and that same ground is covered later when he tells Pam the story of his father. That's a good scene and good as place as any to introduce his past.
But back to the point at hand- So his dad was a billionaire who lost it all? Okay, that's interesting but again does that info really give us much insight into who he is other than hammering home the point that he's getting his ass kicked by life? Not sure.
What if instead he was a former child star? Cute kid on a hit sitcom. His parents blew through all his money etc. No one recognizes him now and he's in his dead end job just like you have it now. I think this could really work because it would play into his need for fame a lot more after he becomes the hero. Reclaiming something that he's sought all these years. Plus it might make this a bit more high concept than it currently stands. Just a thought but I really think you could do good things with this if you made that change in his back story.
--Mr. Mick's flying off the deep end seemed a little bit sudden to me. Don't get me wrong, I liked it. It can as a surprise and works for me but I think you might just want to make things even a bit worse for him than they are. Push him even farther to the brink before he makes that crazy decision. I'm all for giving leniency to credibility when it comes to comedies but I still need to buy character motivations. You're close here. Just one more scene of utter and hilarious humiliation before he decides to kidnap her should do the trick.
--Pam's decision to leave Bern also seemed a little sudden to me. Again, you're close on this one and their later conversation on the bus make her motivations more clear but I still think you could add a little more here. Main reason being up to this point Bern isn't really acting like a big enough fame seeking asshole to earn her scorn. He gets that way after she leaves him but I really think you need to make him into more of a d-bag before that to justify her leaving. Because she's your best character and you really need to make her the one that makes the rational decisions. Here, I didn't think she did.
And why does she disappear from the script for so long after she leaves him? I really think we need to at least see how she's reacting to his downfall. Too good of character to get kicked to the curb for that many pages.
--"That it is better to be fucking
awesome than famous." Just needed to mention this line. Out of context it may sound corny but it really works well in the script. A lot of good lines throughout, but this was my favorite.
--And finally the ending. At first I didn't like it but I respected the hell out of you for going there. Risky choice. But the more I think about it I think the ending kicks fucking ass. Keep it unless someone is paying you to change it. I imagine it will be divisive but that ain't a bad thing.
So good job on this. Liked it a lot. If you have any questions about anything I mentioned or didn't just let me know. Good luck with this. read -
A review of Wild Lifeby bha26 on 05/10/2010This was a likable script. It's got some problems but overall it has a good feel to it. Very likable lead, some colorful side characters and some good and funny dialogue. Still a draft or so away but there is some good potential here. Before we get to any story concerns I think the main issue you have is just a few formatting mistakes. Good news. They're easy fixes. For one... This was a likable script. It's got some problems but overall it has a good feel to it. Very likable lead, some colorful side characters and some good and funny dialogue. Still a draft or so away but there is some good potential here.
Before we get to any story concerns I think the main issue you have is just a few formatting mistakes. Good news. They're easy fixes. For one you capitalize all your characters every time we see them. No need. Just do that when you first introduce them. Speaking of character introduction, we need to see the age of the character and some distinguishing traits. Here we get neither which makes it tough to visualize who these characters are. Luckily you keep the number of characters to a minimum so I didn't get lost but definitely give us a little more when we meet each one of them. What did Bellwood look like? Damian? Alana. I wasn't sure. You get the point. You also tend to write a bit too much in a passive voice. No big deal to do that at times but it's overdone here. Just take another run through this and make your action lines a bit more active.
Speaking of action lines, sparse is good and your writing is but I think a bit too much. Film is a visual medium and though I love dialogue as much as the next guy I also know there's a need to give a few more visual cues so we can get our bearing in the scenes. Feels a little underwritten as is.
Okay, now the story. It seems almost like you're telling two stories here. One is for the most part successful, the other not so much. What really worked for me was the whole slice of life stuff you had at the wild life park. Reminded me quite a bit of "Adventureland" which was a movie I enjoyed. The back and forth's with the employees was entertaining and the little fat racist kid was comically inspired. Damien and Alana's relationship while a bit predictable was still satisfying without ever getting cheezy and Alana overall was a very likable lead. Funny, sarcastic, witty. Good stuff.
What didn't work as well was the stuff with her and Jake. What you had on the page worked fine but it seemed in the first pages that this relationship was the premise but then his character would just disappear for long periods of time. I know Alana was kind of disconnected from her past but it seems she should have acted a little more interested when she learned the identity of her father. Or skeptical or anything. It just didn't really seem to faze her one way or another. In a way this works for her character but more depth is needed here. It's just too thin on the page as is. Give us a little more of Jake. When he gets in that bar fight, that's good stuff. More of that. Introduce some of his more seedy friends. Throw in a twist here or there. I don't know, it's your script but there is a lot of potential with his character that can still be mined for comic gold.
Not as much of concern but still needing a little work is the Chad character. For one it brings up a pet peeve I have in any movie like this. You've got the cool girl dating the douche bag. Why would she be? Here it kind of works because given her characters need to never show herself the odds are she wouldn't be in a healthy relationship. If that's the case then at least go overboard with the guy. Make him the funniest, biggest douche character you can think of. This is a comedy. No need to hold back. As of now he's just kind of boring. The world's most boring boyfriend would be a funny character. One that just doesn't distinguish himself, not so much. You get my point.
Despite my misgivings on a few issues I did enjoy the read. I think you have good comic timing and instincts. Just add a bit more depth and bring the craziness up a notch. That Fat Kid works so damn well. Give us more stuff like that. You're clearly capable of it. Best of luck with it. read -
A review of The Evolution of Captain Awesumby bha26 on 05/10/2010So I think I've read this script more times in the past year than I've talked to a lot of my lifelong friends so you know my thoughts on it. But now I get to earn a credit so I guess I owe you another read. And I know of the major change that you plan on making with this one. I really think that'll work wonders. For two reasons. One, it'll take away any logic issues with... So I think I've read this script more times in the past year than I've talked to a lot of my lifelong friends so you know my thoughts on it. But now I get to earn a credit so I guess I owe you another read.
And I know of the major change that you plan on making with this one. I really think that'll work wonders. For two reasons. One, it'll take away any logic issues with Rochelle getting the kids taken away from her and two and most importantly it'll make Matthew more likable. Because that's still my biggest issue with it. As much as we can sympathize with this condition his attitude especially towards Ashley is still a bit troublesome. Not as much so as in previous drafts and you're getting close to nailing his character arc here but by making him a foster child I think will really give a lot more motivation to his discontent.
But the addition of the "note" to Ashley is a great one. Every draft I read of this the changes you make are always for the better so I know that with this future draft you'll probably have this where it needs to be. It's damn close as is.
Now to focus on the changes you plan on making. If I recall you're going to have Matthew and Ashley both be foster kids. Am I remembering that right (i was kind of drunk)? Well, what if only Matthew was and that Ashley is Rochelle and Dean's birth daughter. What if they took him in because they had lost their own son a while back? Maybe the loss of their kid really put a hole in their marriage and really messed up Ashley who missed here brother terribly. Enter Matthew. He's already insecure because he's been getting tossed around from family to family. Not to mention his condition. He has a hard time getting close to anyone because he always gets taken away. And Rochelle has a hard time feeling close to him because she knows how tough it is to lose a child.
I really think if you go this route it would open up a ton of interesting character decisions for both of them. Maybe she was even resistant to taking him in in the first place. Maybe she did it at Dean's behest. Just throwing shit out there but I think if you add these extra layers onto Rochelle and Matthew you'll turn a script which already very good into something that's pretty great.
Okay, as for the ending... I've been fully on board for the tragic ending you have here. I think it's very good and moving. But after having quite a few conversation with people lately I'm beginning to think that I might have given you some bad advice. For pure marketing reasons you may to have him survive. Especially if in your new draft the preceding pages are more tragic than they stand presently. Now only do this if it isn't a cop out. Only do this if you can strike the same emotional chord you have now. But people are going to want to see this end happily. Mainly because we're talking about a kid here. It wasn't until this read that I thought of another movie where they kill the kid in the end - "Pay it Forward." If you haven't seen it sorry for spoiling it but I remember now that when that movie came out it was widely panned by critics and bombed at the box office mainly because of that ending. It was labeled manipulative and cheap. Now it didn't bother me and besides I like your ending better than that one but there are similarities between the two. Both are caused by a bully that up till then probably didn't seem capable of such a heinous act. Both their deaths are used to teach others lessons. And both of them have cameo appearances by Jon Bon Jovi. Okay, that last part might not be true. But maybe check out that movie again if you haven't seen it in a while and read up what the reaction was to it. Just something to keep in mind.
But dude, overall I really like this story. Your ear for dialogue between the children is excellent and will be graded as such. And all the work you've put in on this continue to pay off. Glad to give it another look. read -
A review of Blockhouse Blues and the Elmore Beastby bha26 on 05/10/2010Not much to say here. Already read this one once before you uploaded it. Liked it a lot the first read. Liked it even better the second time. Will like it even more when you get this thing made and I can see it on the big screen. No reason that this doesn't have a great future. Fantastic dialogue, hilarious characters, impeccable structure, and a concept, while not mindblowingly... Not much to say here. Already read this one once before you uploaded it. Liked it a lot the first read. Liked it even better the second time. Will like it even more when you get this thing made and I can see it on the big screen. No reason that this doesn't have a great future. Fantastic dialogue, hilarious characters, impeccable structure, and a concept, while not mindblowingly original works just fine and is to describe in one sentence. Overall, real high marks here.
Really only have one real suggestion here and it's one I think I mentioned before but I still think that there needs to be a little more fanfare regarding the death of Hammers. Not in the way you kill him. That's fine. But you write that he goes limp and that's all. Just adding in a line that he's dead would seem to make sense. That's unless you don't want the audience to know his fate. That doesn't seem to be the case here so just let us know that Floyd killed him. It seems we don't know that for sure until Brains makes the comment about the company he "kept." If that was your intention ignore my comments.
One small logic flaw that I missed the first time around was the whole Stockholm syndrome joke only because I don't see how Hammers would know that Stockholm is in Sweden. Now this is tough because it's probably the funniest line in the script so definitely keep it but is there a way for him to come off as stupid as is and still keep it? Maybe he's looking for Switzerland diseases?
"And Stockholm isn't in Switzerland you fucken moron?"
Obviously super minor detail, just something I caught.
I'm not sure what you changed exactly in the ending but any logic flaws that I had the first go around are gone down. Max vouching for him works well and the final scene with him and Kat end this on the perfect note. Great stuff.
As far as the title goes I think I remember a few people on here having some issues with it. I don't. I really like it. Sure, you need to read the script to understand the context but I like that about it. Makes it intriguing. Keep the title.
That's about it. This is a great script. Anyone that knows a thing about writing will no doubt agree. Get this thing made. Thanks for another great read. read -
A review of Double or Nothing!by bha26 on 03/13/2010As a child of the 80's I was a big fan of the original "Vacation" movie and films of that ilk. And this really fits in well with movies of that time. Does that makes this feel dated? I don't think so because with the current economic downturn a man trying to save his family from financial run has real resonance with the public and add in the fact that this is good and clean... As a child of the 80's I was a big fan of the original "Vacation" movie and films of that ilk. And this really fits in well with movies of that time. Does that makes this feel dated? I don't think so because with the current economic downturn a man trying to save his family from financial run has real resonance with the public and add in the fact that this is good and clean family fun and you definitely have a feel good story that seems to fit a need right now in the market place. So overall, well done.
Now I'm not going to lie. My comic sensibilities definitely veer more to edgier material so if I was viewing this subjectively I could say that not all the humor works for me. But the only fair way to judge a writer and a screenplay is to objectively take a look if it succeeds for its intended audience. I think this does so overall it's a successful spec. It's a movie the kids will like and the parents won't cringe at. That I imagine is tougher to pull off than one would think so again well done.
One thing no one can complain about is your structure. This hits all the right beats. Most impressive was how fast this starts. 8 pages in we knew not only who all the main characters were but had their character traits and ticks pretty fully formed. Nice inventive cutaways to the kids in those early pages. And you hit your inciting incident at just the right spot, midpoint etc.. This is polished stuff.
Also props for the last act with the game show. Efficient writing but enough description to set the scene. The whole Greek Gods angle was original and inventive.
Overall, good pacing, good conflict, plenty of adventure and a nice happy ending.
So what could use a little work? I think plotwise you're pretty good but maybe a little character work wouldn't hurt.
I'm of two minds on Chase. I think he's the funniest character in the script but I also think he veers dangerously close to Stuie from "Family Guy." Now I don't know if that's a problem. You put an 8 year old actor with a different voice in the actual movie and maybe the similarities don't seem so obvious. But when reading this I couldn't get that little British accent out of my head. That being said, the lines were great. A few laugh out loud moments. I loved him flying the plane and really all his dialogue worked.
Jenny was a bit problematic for me because nothing really seemed to differentiate her from any other teen daughter in any other movie. Now is that a problem? Not sure. It might not really matter but really all we knew about her was that she wanted a car, wanted to be popular and found her brother annoying. An original flourish or two wouldn't hurt. Make her edgier or give her some strange character trait, I don't know, but something to differentiate her a bit. I like her conversation with the trucker and her personality comes out a bit more in that scene but the rest of the time she reads a bit bland to me. But hey I didn't understand high school girls when I was their age and I certainly don't now.
And Jackie? Good first act with her and liked her in the final act but for a while in the second she didn't do much to differentiate herself. Small concern. Nothing major.
Scott and Joshua on the other hand worked for me. Scott's Miles Davis talk was funny and inventive. And Joshua cracked me up quite a bit. I kept on picturing the actor that plays Phil on "Modern Family" in this role and the humor really worked with him. He was a likable protagonist with a simple goal that anyone could empathize with. Well done.
Couple other points...
--Maybe it just flew over my head but why didn't Joshua want to get on that airplane. Was it fear of flying? I don't know. That part confused me. As of now it seemed like a forced way to have them embark on a zany trip. The knife works good, especially in these times where security is beefed up and Jackie's reaction to the knife was effective as well. I just didn't get the stall tactics on the way to the airport. On a side note it could play funny for Chase to dress down the security guard about his constitutional rights. State some archaic Supreme Court precedent. Seems like the kid would know that kind of stuff.
--The Jonas Brothers bit? Eh, wasn't sure about that one. Were you trying to make fun of them or were you inserting them in to appeal to a young teenage audience. Seems someone like Scott who was into jazz and in his own band would think the Jonas brothers were some d-bags. I don't know it could work but maybe work better if Scott was more surprised that he didn't hate the guy. Obviously a minor issue.
--And the ending? Okay I really liked that they didn't originally win the game. It surprised me. And I liked when Jackie tore up the check. Seemed like a good lesson. The whole we don't need money to be happy sort of deal. But when it turned out that the game had messed up it didn't really strike me as credible. I guess in this type of movie you need that real happy ending but part of me wanted them to move back home, have a smaller place but realize that family mattered more no matter how big your house was or what job you had. Seems like it would fit in good with the times we live. Now done poorly, an ending like that could get super corny but done well I think it could pack a nice punch. Just something to consider.
But good job on this. It's a good script. Mainstream and it's clear you have a tight grasp on the structure and mechanics. You definitely know how a script is supposed to work and you know your audience. For that, you get high marks from me. Best of luck with this and all your future stuff.
Only noticed one typo -Page 12 should be Jenny instead of Jackie. read
Comments About bha26 202
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mlambush on 05/17/2011
Thanks, my man! Have the day you deserve! -
Kevin Via on 05/17/2011
Hey Ben. Dude, I love the title and logline of your current top 10 script. Had a question for you. Maybe it's too early for me ( I haven't finished my first cup of coffee--and just popped my Adderall=) but in your latest review, you said you can't go back in a screenplay; "slowly turns back." Did I miss the joke or is this yet another gem of knowledge I can learn from Triggerstreeters? =P
Thanks—kv
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shedenbo on 05/11/2011
Ben
Thanks. I am -- hanging in there, that is. Just barely some days, but still hanging.
Thanks again.
Sheila -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 02/27/2011
bha26, I need some good eyes on two scripts. Will trade opinions...? I'll even read yours first so we can get an idea of abilities we're dealing with. e-mail: bstrchiz@gmail.com.
I was here until about a year ago and left "Bus-TAH!"...? Now just Buster60.
Cheers! -
MattyMustng on 02/25/2011
She is 38, somewhere around theres. -
MattyMustng on 02/25/2011
Hey dude, quick question for you.
Who do you envision playing each of the major roles in my script? I want to get ideas from people, because then I'm going to approach them with the script.
Major roles would be Matt, Jessica, Ann, Julie, Peter, and Phil.
If you gave your best pick for each one, and then a second-choice, that would help me a lot.
Thanks brother man -
MattyMustng on 01/24/2011
Hey, whenever you are ready to read that (if you still want to, no obligation), email me, because I have a slightly revised version than what's up, since I noticed a few things I should have changed but didn't.
Thanks dude, and no rush, just wanted to let you know that. If you already started the one that's posted it doesn't matter that much. -
MattyMustng on 01/22/2011
Thanks man. Just let me know what you want me to do to return the favor - now or in the future, whenever you want. -
MattyMustng on 01/22/2011
Hey Mr Hausler, I just posted my most recent rewrite of 'the frost killing hour' which you read a good many moons ago. A lot of the changes were based on your review, though they are changes that developed over the course of like 7 months so I'm not sure how much they match your suggestions, but they are based on them. If you have time, I'd love to hear your thoughts on the newer version. I'm trying to raise a budget for it so I can shoot it. So I'd love to hear some thoughts. If you don't have time, that's totally cool. If you do, I will of course return the favor on whatever you desire.
Have a good one brother. -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 01/10/2011
Hello Triggerstreet people. Hello my new friend bha26. I seen you have recently just *logged in*. I also have recently just done so. Perhaps this means that we must network together? I hae just networked with members in the message forum and there will be a party at Peter's home. Of course I do not know who such a person quite is as of yet but am eager for learning. Hello!
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Comments About bha26 202
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Quote
Thanks, my man! Have the day you deserve!
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Quote
Hey Ben. Dude, I love the title and logline of your current top 10 script. Had a question for you. Maybe it's too early for me ( I haven't finished my first cup of coffee--and just popped my Adderall=) but in your latest review, you said you can't go back in a screenplay; "slowly turns back." Did I miss the joke or is this yet another gem of knowledge I can learn from Triggerstreeters? =P
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Quote
Ben
+ more commentsmlambush on 05/17/2011
Kevin Via on 05/17/2011
Thanks—kv
shedenbo on 05/11/2011
Thanks. I am -- hanging in there, that is. Just barely some days, but still hanging.
Thanks again.
Sheila