a screenplay
by Blake421
After Mark Fallman is released from jail, his old life confronts him head on.
Blake421
member since 06/16/2011 |
last login 05/01/2013
Working as a Gaffer and Camera Operator in Chicago until I make the move to LA....
Bio
Working as a Gaffer and Camera Operator in Chicago until I make the move to LA.
Submissions by Blake421
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a screenplay by Blake421A British naval captain is pursued through Boston at the spark of the revolution by men with explicit orders for... more
Reviews by Blake421 19
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A review of THE PERVERSIONby Blake421 on 01/05/2013First of all, I am going to do my best to review this screenplay from a story stand point and leave the disgusting nature of the script itself aside. It read like a pedophile's inner thoughts scrawled onto a page. But I digress - let's get to story itself. The Perversion Notes and Review The very opening of the film is children playing and singing “ring around the rosie”... First of all, I am going to do my best to review this screenplay from a story stand point and leave the disgusting nature of the script itself aside. It read like a pedophile's inner thoughts scrawled onto a page. But I digress - let's get to story itself.
The Perversion Notes and Review
The very opening of the film is children playing and singing “ring around the rosie”. To me, that screams life time or hallmark channel quality movie. I understand that this is going to be a dark script, but the opening line comes off as cheesy. Let the kids laugh and play on their own. Don't script it unless ring around the rosie becomes a very, VERY important part of the film.
Is Sam the unknown man?
Describing a 13 year old as a sexually delicious young tart may be how your pedophiles see her, but is that how we want the audience to see her? Puts me off immediately. Maybe she could be described in such a way that she doesn't know the dangers of her adult styled clothing can bring?
How old is Cindy? Why is she describing an eight year old as sexy?
Page 5 – INT Sam's Iris. I'm not sure whats going on here. Is this a point of view sequence?
Who is Mike Freeman, let alone his father? Still very confused.
Ok, got it. He should have been introduced sleeping before the dream sequence. Otherwise, I thought the man who got slammed by the demon force may be having these bad dreams.
Page 10 – 13 year old Kylie masturbating? No. Nobody wants to see that other than pedophiles. This movie is really starting to feel like a soft core kiddie porn. I see no conflict, no potential direction for any of these characters, and I'm not quite sure who the protagonist is. Also, what is the deal with Alex?
Angela the 16 year old is hanging out with a 13 year old? That's a highschool junior hanging out with an 8th grader. Don't buy it.
19 – aside from having your bully as stereotypical hispanics, the other problem on the page is some formatting issues. You've got Mike speaking twice, without interruption, and no reason for his lines to be broken up. Then he suddenly gets his last name slapped on. Why?
21 – Mike touching Tiffany. Very risky for a middle school gym teacher. And him talking about her butt previously? At this point I have no connection to any single character in the entire film and there is not one conflict present.
Wait, wait, wait. This unknown man who got possessed by the demon was Mike?
24 – Miss Felatio? Lame joke. Lose it.
28 – So Mike may go after this James Young character who he magically knows the name of even though he only had a vision of the guy? That and having Kylie get her crush are the only two conflicts present. I am mind numbingly bored and act two doesn't seem to have started yet.
To show James possesses something, like a house, its written James'
Why does Kylie lick Angela's toungue ring? Why?
By the end Mike is no longer possessed, possessed again, and then kills a few people to get the FBI(?)'s attention. When he kills his daughter's rapist, he pulls a butterfly knife from no where and is shot down by the agents following him.
This was an extremely difficult read with no character development, no conflict until the end of the script, and very poor dialogue.
Consider having a table reading with a few friends of your scripts before uploading. Assign everyone a part - including kidnapped girls #1-5 - and read the entire thing aloud. The screen direction, slug lines, everything. After that, get your friends feed back and think about how the script itself sounded. read -
A review of Life at the Bottom (Final draft)by Blake421 on 11/02/2011Life at the Bottom notes Congrats on finishing your screenplay! Now, the real work begins. It seems like you haven’t quite fully developed the world that your comedy lives in. How off the wall and zaney is this place supposed to be? The dialogue bounces between cartoonish and vulgar. I think you need to stick with one or the other. What sort of comedy would you like your movie... Life at the Bottom notes
Congrats on finishing your screenplay! Now, the real work begins. It seems like you haven’t quite fully developed the world that your comedy lives in. How off the wall and zaney is this place supposed to be? The dialogue bounces between cartoonish and vulgar. I think you need to stick with one or the other. What sort of comedy would you like your movie compared to? Is it in the realm of Wedding Crashers or Blazing Saddles? Try giving your whole script an out loud read through before signing off. Have a few friends over for beer, assign everyone a few parts and read through the screenplay aloud. It will help to actually hear your dialogue. Your characters are fairly distinct, which is great.
Structure was a little bit lacking. I felt like the main plot of Ben trying to get women was there, but it wasn’t very focused. The B story of the heist took a long time to finally kick into action. These things could be tightened up and refined.
Here are some page by page notes
Page 2: I don’t know how concerned many eight year olds are with being “smooth with the ladies”. His dialogue seems more like he’s twelve.
Page 4: I don’t really buy Brandon holding Ben by the throat, especially in the work place.
The continued at the bottom of page 4 is incorrect formatting, as well as the continued slug line at the top of page five. Those aren’t needed every time a scene bleeds into another page.
Page 6: Your slug lines are formatted incorrectly. “Ben’s Dream” should be in the same line as “INT. OFFICE – DAY – BEN’S DREAM”. Or keep it more simple with “BEN’S DREAM” no slug line, and then “BACK TO SCENE”. Ben’s line at the end of page six “In two minutes I’ve got her bent over a desk and…You know,” leaves us hanging. This is a great spot to show us a little about Ben. Is he the kind of guy afraid to say sex? Does he hump the air? Describe the situation in detail? Eugene can pull this action out of him.
Page 11: Ben screaming “Titties” lets us know that this is going to be a raunchy comedy. IF that is the case, go all the way with it. Don’t hold back. Go as raunchy as you want and then pull it back towards reality. Right now, there doesn’t seem to be enough crude humor to hold up Ben’s dreams and his titties line.
Page 14: This should be formatted as a montage.
Page 15: CANTEEN should be an entire slugline INT. CANTEEN – DAY
Page 17: Does Eugene literally piss himself laughing?
Page 23: Armstrong is way too on the nose with his “The codes are in my head” line. Also, we are almost half an hour into the movie and I’m not entirely sure what Ben’s problem is other than the fact that he’s awkward. What is he striving for in this movie? Jennifer? If so, he hasn’t had any opportunity to even decide if he wants to change and go after her.
Page 24: “God I’m getting help with my love life from a guy named King Sausage! How do I get into this shit?” Read that line out loud. If you like it, keep it.
Page 26: Jennifer breaking into a run is weird. I don’t buy it.
Page 33: “And what business is it of yours? Security Guard.” Again, read it out loud. If you like it and it feels like something Bandon would say, keep it.
34: same thing applies with the “returning your brain” line.
38: MILTON needs to be capitalized.
69: He still is in love with Jennifer? He doesn’t even know her.
84: Dumb poop heads?
97: That dream sequence doesn’t sit quite right with how short the other dreams were. Tighten it up or expand the others.
99: I like the twist of Wally on the bad side.
It’s nice that Ben gets the female cop at the end. You’re third act seems the strongest. Do an aloud read through with some friends and take a crack at another draft. Good luck! read -
A review of In Human Formby Blake421 on 09/19/2011You certainly captured the bland, dismal feel of a rural Russian village. There are some moments that are fantastic, but they are few and very far between. Through out this story I can’t find any sort of protagonist what so ever. All of the villagers suffer. The farthest action any of them takes is Vasili in Oleg’s home. Most of the film is them talking about something that... You certainly captured the bland, dismal feel of a rural Russian village. There are some moments that are fantastic, but they are few and very far between. Through out this story I can’t find any sort of protagonist what so ever. All of the villagers suffer. The farthest action any of them takes is Vasili in Oleg’s home. Most of the film is them talking about something that they never even do. The only two conflicts that are apparent are surviving Oleg and Branislav, and for Vasili to get his wife back.Vasili and the villagers accomplish neither of these things through their own efforts. If you want to make this a story about faith, you need to find a protagonist who has faith, loses it, and has faith restored. Without a clear protagonist, this movie has no structure. It seems like one massive act that is solved through no action on the part of the villagers.
The middle of the movie has some fairly intense action. Vasili nearly being caught and the feeding of the captured man are two really well written scenes. They show that you have some great talent that could be worked through out the rest of the script!!! It’s a great setting and you’ve captured a strong feel, but character and structure need a ton of work if this is going to stay as a feature. Cut seventy pages and you’d have a terrific short. Best of luck on where you take this script next.
As far as page by page suggestions:
All of those slug lines in the opening seem like they could be condensed.
Page 4- These guys complaining about the bricks right off the bat strikes me odd. If we could see a work day, or if we could see the huge amounts of money that their boss has, I may be a little more sympathetic.
Page 9 – So many of these characters are introduced with little description other than their name. We’re about ten percent done with the movie and I still don’t know who the protagonist is.
Page 20 – Born alone? Impossible. The dialogue seems very forced. Each character sounds too similar and I haven’t been hooked in to the story yet. There is a little talk of what these guys want to do – kill Oleg. Can we see a plan? Make some suspense around the idea of them being caught perhaps?
Page 27 - It seems like everything they say is repeated over and over again. “God will help us,” “No he won’t,” “Let’s kill Oleg,” “He’s too strong”. I haven’t heard anything new in pages.
Page 41 – I still feel like nothing has happened yet. Vasili had one close call and I’m half way done with the movie. There isn’t any conflict unless people take action. Feeding Asinim was another good scene. Risk was involved. So far, no where else in this script have I seen many things to worry or hope for.
Page 56 – the candle is an interesting addition to the story. It finally seems like something is going to happen in the village against Oleg.
Page 58 – “You’re all becoming the same as the man you despise” is too on the nose.
Page 60 – 65 I like the pacing of this scene but I’m having a hard time imagining the physical placement of all the characters in the area. And piercing eyes is used twice within two pages.
Page 67 – The format with the priest VO could be tightened up if you did it as a montage.
Page 77 – If Oleg can see who the shadowy figure is, but we can not, the sentence needs to be reworded.
Page 81 – Where did this priest come from? I’ve heard him in voice over before, but have not seen him as a man of the village. If he is, this needs to be clarified earlier. Also, if he is a member of the village, why has Oleg not forced him to work?
The ending is a little drawn out. Perhaps we see Grigory when Oleg does and we are as shocked as he is. When the nephew actually makes it into town, you cut on the realization that Grigory was an angel. Regardless, it can be tightened up. read
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Submissions by Blake421
-
a screenplay by Blake421
After Mark Fallman is released from jail, his old life confronts him head on.
-
a screenplay by Blake421
A British naval captain is pursued through Boston at the spark of the revolution by men with explicit orders for... more
Reviews by Blake421 19
-
A review of THE PERVERSIONby Blake421 on 01/05/2013First of all, I am going to do my best to review this screenplay from a story stand point and leave the disgusting nature of the script itself aside. It read like a pedophile's inner thoughts scrawled onto a page. But I digress - let's get to story itself. The Perversion Notes and Review The very opening of the film is children playing and singing “ring around the rosie”... First of all, I am going to do my best to review this screenplay from a story stand point and leave the disgusting nature of the script itself aside. It read like a pedophile's inner thoughts scrawled onto a page. But I digress - let's get to story itself.
The Perversion Notes and Review
The very opening of the film is children playing and singing “ring around the rosie”. To me, that screams life time or hallmark channel quality movie. I understand that this is going to be a dark script, but the opening line comes off as cheesy. Let the kids laugh and play on their own. Don't script it unless ring around the rosie becomes a very, VERY important part of the film.
Is Sam the unknown man?
Describing a 13 year old as a sexually delicious young tart may be how your pedophiles see her, but is that how we want the audience to see her? Puts me off immediately. Maybe she could be described in such a way that she doesn't know the dangers of her adult styled clothing can bring?
How old is Cindy? Why is she describing an eight year old as sexy?
Page 5 – INT Sam's Iris. I'm not sure whats going on here. Is this a point of view sequence?
Who is Mike Freeman, let alone his father? Still very confused.
Ok, got it. He should have been introduced sleeping before the dream sequence. Otherwise, I thought the man who got slammed by the demon force may be having these bad dreams.
Page 10 – 13 year old Kylie masturbating? No. Nobody wants to see that other than pedophiles. This movie is really starting to feel like a soft core kiddie porn. I see no conflict, no potential direction for any of these characters, and I'm not quite sure who the protagonist is. Also, what is the deal with Alex?
Angela the 16 year old is hanging out with a 13 year old? That's a highschool junior hanging out with an 8th grader. Don't buy it.
19 – aside from having your bully as stereotypical hispanics, the other problem on the page is some formatting issues. You've got Mike speaking twice, without interruption, and no reason for his lines to be broken up. Then he suddenly gets his last name slapped on. Why?
21 – Mike touching Tiffany. Very risky for a middle school gym teacher. And him talking about her butt previously? At this point I have no connection to any single character in the entire film and there is not one conflict present.
Wait, wait, wait. This unknown man who got possessed by the demon was Mike?
24 – Miss Felatio? Lame joke. Lose it.
28 – So Mike may go after this James Young character who he magically knows the name of even though he only had a vision of the guy? That and having Kylie get her crush are the only two conflicts present. I am mind numbingly bored and act two doesn't seem to have started yet.
To show James possesses something, like a house, its written James'
Why does Kylie lick Angela's toungue ring? Why?
By the end Mike is no longer possessed, possessed again, and then kills a few people to get the FBI(?)'s attention. When he kills his daughter's rapist, he pulls a butterfly knife from no where and is shot down by the agents following him.
This was an extremely difficult read with no character development, no conflict until the end of the script, and very poor dialogue.
Consider having a table reading with a few friends of your scripts before uploading. Assign everyone a part - including kidnapped girls #1-5 - and read the entire thing aloud. The screen direction, slug lines, everything. After that, get your friends feed back and think about how the script itself sounded. read -
A review of Life at the Bottom (Final draft)by Blake421 on 11/02/2011Life at the Bottom notes Congrats on finishing your screenplay! Now, the real work begins. It seems like you haven’t quite fully developed the world that your comedy lives in. How off the wall and zaney is this place supposed to be? The dialogue bounces between cartoonish and vulgar. I think you need to stick with one or the other. What sort of comedy would you like your movie... Life at the Bottom notes
Congrats on finishing your screenplay! Now, the real work begins. It seems like you haven’t quite fully developed the world that your comedy lives in. How off the wall and zaney is this place supposed to be? The dialogue bounces between cartoonish and vulgar. I think you need to stick with one or the other. What sort of comedy would you like your movie compared to? Is it in the realm of Wedding Crashers or Blazing Saddles? Try giving your whole script an out loud read through before signing off. Have a few friends over for beer, assign everyone a few parts and read through the screenplay aloud. It will help to actually hear your dialogue. Your characters are fairly distinct, which is great.
Structure was a little bit lacking. I felt like the main plot of Ben trying to get women was there, but it wasn’t very focused. The B story of the heist took a long time to finally kick into action. These things could be tightened up and refined.
Here are some page by page notes
Page 2: I don’t know how concerned many eight year olds are with being “smooth with the ladies”. His dialogue seems more like he’s twelve.
Page 4: I don’t really buy Brandon holding Ben by the throat, especially in the work place.
The continued at the bottom of page 4 is incorrect formatting, as well as the continued slug line at the top of page five. Those aren’t needed every time a scene bleeds into another page.
Page 6: Your slug lines are formatted incorrectly. “Ben’s Dream” should be in the same line as “INT. OFFICE – DAY – BEN’S DREAM”. Or keep it more simple with “BEN’S DREAM” no slug line, and then “BACK TO SCENE”. Ben’s line at the end of page six “In two minutes I’ve got her bent over a desk and…You know,” leaves us hanging. This is a great spot to show us a little about Ben. Is he the kind of guy afraid to say sex? Does he hump the air? Describe the situation in detail? Eugene can pull this action out of him.
Page 11: Ben screaming “Titties” lets us know that this is going to be a raunchy comedy. IF that is the case, go all the way with it. Don’t hold back. Go as raunchy as you want and then pull it back towards reality. Right now, there doesn’t seem to be enough crude humor to hold up Ben’s dreams and his titties line.
Page 14: This should be formatted as a montage.
Page 15: CANTEEN should be an entire slugline INT. CANTEEN – DAY
Page 17: Does Eugene literally piss himself laughing?
Page 23: Armstrong is way too on the nose with his “The codes are in my head” line. Also, we are almost half an hour into the movie and I’m not entirely sure what Ben’s problem is other than the fact that he’s awkward. What is he striving for in this movie? Jennifer? If so, he hasn’t had any opportunity to even decide if he wants to change and go after her.
Page 24: “God I’m getting help with my love life from a guy named King Sausage! How do I get into this shit?” Read that line out loud. If you like it, keep it.
Page 26: Jennifer breaking into a run is weird. I don’t buy it.
Page 33: “And what business is it of yours? Security Guard.” Again, read it out loud. If you like it and it feels like something Bandon would say, keep it.
34: same thing applies with the “returning your brain” line.
38: MILTON needs to be capitalized.
69: He still is in love with Jennifer? He doesn’t even know her.
84: Dumb poop heads?
97: That dream sequence doesn’t sit quite right with how short the other dreams were. Tighten it up or expand the others.
99: I like the twist of Wally on the bad side.
It’s nice that Ben gets the female cop at the end. You’re third act seems the strongest. Do an aloud read through with some friends and take a crack at another draft. Good luck! read -
A review of In Human Formby Blake421 on 09/19/2011You certainly captured the bland, dismal feel of a rural Russian village. There are some moments that are fantastic, but they are few and very far between. Through out this story I can’t find any sort of protagonist what so ever. All of the villagers suffer. The farthest action any of them takes is Vasili in Oleg’s home. Most of the film is them talking about something that... You certainly captured the bland, dismal feel of a rural Russian village. There are some moments that are fantastic, but they are few and very far between. Through out this story I can’t find any sort of protagonist what so ever. All of the villagers suffer. The farthest action any of them takes is Vasili in Oleg’s home. Most of the film is them talking about something that they never even do. The only two conflicts that are apparent are surviving Oleg and Branislav, and for Vasili to get his wife back.Vasili and the villagers accomplish neither of these things through their own efforts. If you want to make this a story about faith, you need to find a protagonist who has faith, loses it, and has faith restored. Without a clear protagonist, this movie has no structure. It seems like one massive act that is solved through no action on the part of the villagers.
The middle of the movie has some fairly intense action. Vasili nearly being caught and the feeding of the captured man are two really well written scenes. They show that you have some great talent that could be worked through out the rest of the script!!! It’s a great setting and you’ve captured a strong feel, but character and structure need a ton of work if this is going to stay as a feature. Cut seventy pages and you’d have a terrific short. Best of luck on where you take this script next.
As far as page by page suggestions:
All of those slug lines in the opening seem like they could be condensed.
Page 4- These guys complaining about the bricks right off the bat strikes me odd. If we could see a work day, or if we could see the huge amounts of money that their boss has, I may be a little more sympathetic.
Page 9 – So many of these characters are introduced with little description other than their name. We’re about ten percent done with the movie and I still don’t know who the protagonist is.
Page 20 – Born alone? Impossible. The dialogue seems very forced. Each character sounds too similar and I haven’t been hooked in to the story yet. There is a little talk of what these guys want to do – kill Oleg. Can we see a plan? Make some suspense around the idea of them being caught perhaps?
Page 27 - It seems like everything they say is repeated over and over again. “God will help us,” “No he won’t,” “Let’s kill Oleg,” “He’s too strong”. I haven’t heard anything new in pages.
Page 41 – I still feel like nothing has happened yet. Vasili had one close call and I’m half way done with the movie. There isn’t any conflict unless people take action. Feeding Asinim was another good scene. Risk was involved. So far, no where else in this script have I seen many things to worry or hope for.
Page 56 – the candle is an interesting addition to the story. It finally seems like something is going to happen in the village against Oleg.
Page 58 – “You’re all becoming the same as the man you despise” is too on the nose.
Page 60 – 65 I like the pacing of this scene but I’m having a hard time imagining the physical placement of all the characters in the area. And piercing eyes is used twice within two pages.
Page 67 – The format with the priest VO could be tightened up if you did it as a montage.
Page 77 – If Oleg can see who the shadowy figure is, but we can not, the sentence needs to be reworded.
Page 81 – Where did this priest come from? I’ve heard him in voice over before, but have not seen him as a man of the village. If he is, this needs to be clarified earlier. Also, if he is a member of the village, why has Oleg not forced him to work?
The ending is a little drawn out. Perhaps we see Grigory when Oleg does and we are as shocked as he is. When the nephew actually makes it into town, you cut on the realization that Grigory was an angel. Regardless, it can be tightened up. read -
A review of Frontier (revision)by Blake421 on 08/29/2011Nice, classically structured hero’s journey. There seems to be a fair amount of trimming and pruning to be done, but you’ve got a great frame work. The intro sequence with the scientists, marines, and aliens seems really, really messy. Tons, of names thrown into the mix as well as a whole new race and a type of inciting incident. I think all of this could be cut in favor... Nice, classically structured hero’s journey. There seems to be a fair amount of trimming and pruning to be done, but you’ve got a great frame work.
The intro sequence with the scientists, marines, and aliens seems really, really messy. Tons, of names thrown into the mix as well as a whole new race and a type of inciting incident. I think all of this could be cut in favor of starting with your spacer crew. Lenny is our true lead and we eventually see and hear everything that was already shown to us in the first scene. It can go.
Stylistically, this script seems to jump all over the place. There are some very well written parts, where some others just sagged. Descriptions of the setting and technology can come off as top notch or as lazy as “like in a fantasy novel”. You’ve shown that you can describe it for us concisely and well. Don’t let short cuts get in the way of your voice.
The aliens as a species are very strange. They feel like the humanoids in Avatar, but not much is given in their description other than young with blue or green eyes. By the end of the script, they have acted as peaceful creatures. But, at the very last scene, they have these war ships, and battle suits, and armor. Why would they wear rags in their space ships? Are they advanced or not? Their clothing can be very simple with elaborate patterns to show they have an advanced understanding of design without being tech heavy. Just doesn’t seem to mesh – which is what these people seem to be all about. They create a perfect mesh of nature and machine. I don’t get that through out the rest of the script. The rest of the film shows them as simpletons who run around in loin cloths.
There is some work that could be done on the dialogue. At some point, Lenny says “darling” almost every other line. Try doing a read through of the script out loud. You will be able to physically hear what sounds great and what sounds off. Plenty of the dialogue could be trimmed.
This script as a whole could lose about 12 pages. A couple of events happen a little late as far as structure goes; and, as I said before, plenty of dialogue can be cut without taking away from the characters.
Character introductions were pretty weak up until we met the spacers. Even then, they could use some work. Introducing Quaid the way you did was fantastic. We understand just about everything about this guy within the first page we meet him. That sets up a character who can surprise us or exceed our expectations. Great job with him.
The banter between your characters feels natural, but sounds a little strange. Again, an out loud read through of your script may help.
As far as the feeling of the movie, I am sort of lost. At points, it feels like it wants to be a PG/PG-13 popcorn film. Other times it seems like it wants to go a rated R route. Adding or subtracting goofy lines and sequences will really help shape the realm of your movie.
Another strange and tough question to ask yourself is “If I were an actor, what would draw me to this film? Are there any monologues that are Oscar worthy? Are there any risky characters? Something outside of what we see on screen every day?” Lenny does not have the legacy that Cpt. Kirk has. You won’t find actors clamoring to play his part unless there is a particularly strong scene for his character.
That final action sequence went on for a really, really long time. Consider trimming some of it to keep the action at a tight pace. Keep it thrilling by keeping it short.
As a whole, it was a well paced script that I enjoyed reading. I hope that it does well out there in the world. If you have any questions about my review or want to ask me something in particular, feel free.
Good luck, and good job.
The word “lumbering” was used twice within two paragraphs. You’ve got more of a descriptive vocabulary than that, use it.
Way too many names within the first three pages. There is nothing other than a half a line of description for each of them. How am I supposed to tell any of them apart?
Page 9 – “like a fantasy novel description of elves”…describe it yourself!
Page 10 – “sharply attractive, sharply dressed” could be improved.
Your pacing and scene structure has become much tighter, faster, and over all better with the salvage team. This seems like a much less clichéd, more interesting situation.
By page 20, this seems like it has been written by an entirely different person – this feels like a gritty sci fi. The dialogue is very tech heavy without losing the point of what they are talking about. Perfect for the scene.
21 – I would lose the aliens reference. Perhaps make it a little more nerdy and not just “Hey, watch this really famous sci fi film”. Repeat a line from the Aliens or something.
36 – Eat my shorts seems very out of place in this movie. Throws the feeling off. Is this a serious film or a PG children’s cartoonsih type of movie?
37 – Still seems like a mess of names on the fleet ship. Also, I don’t think we need to hear the back story of Gilsham’s dad working on that type of ship. Just give us the info. The captain doesn’t want to hear that, he just wants answers, and he wants them now. Like your audience.
42 – After Nitza shoots, have Lenny just hand over the money. “Okay, I was wrong” reads sort of lame. Lenny’s not lame – he’s a badass.
53 – Lenny has been saying “darling” a lot.
65 – pacing is good. Everything feels like it is picking up again.
68 – the scavenger bruiser. THAT is how a character is properly introduced! Great job.
70 – Emmet with the sudden grasp and then drops limp? I think you can come up with something a little more interesting for a xeno-biologist.
71 – reddish green blood? That makes black. Does she have black blood?
81 – Quaid is gruff, but he doesn’t sound stupid. His “gonna fuck us some alien bitches” makes him appear much less cold and calculated than when he was introduced. Could be what you were going for, but that line left a bad taste in my mouth.
95 – The battle scene between Lenny and the guards was short and sweet. The line “we do the right thing this time” simply does not work for me.
96 – I could do without Kiwi and Mikey’s banter at the bottom of the page.
113- Janice Wilks needs to be capitalized
read -
A review of The Baseballby Blake421 on 08/14/2011Not a bad concept for a short. A simple story to practice all aspects of film making. The story was much more mature and well done than many, many shorts. The cinematography was average. The dolly shot at the opening was nice, but the lighting was very, very generic. Was any color correction used in post production? That seemed to be lacking. That being said, which ever lenses... Not a bad concept for a short. A simple story to practice all aspects of film making. The story was much more mature and well done than many, many shorts.
The cinematography was average. The dolly shot at the opening was nice, but the lighting was very, very generic. Was any color correction used in post production? That seemed to be lacking. That being said, which ever lenses were used produced a fantastic image. Also, the rack focus on your closing shot was nice.
The sound design was well done, although the sound recording was a little rough. Sound is the single most difficult thing to get exactly right in my opinion. You and your crew made a good run of it. Can't say I've done any better with sound, but we both need improvement!
Dialogue seemed a little forced and strangely worded from time to time - it confined them. They didn't seem like they could be the character with most of the dialogue. The most natural scene was the landlord giving instruction on replacing the window.
Editing was clean but uninspired. A few more shots, or inserts could have sped up the pace of your piece a bit.
Overall, it was a short film - a feat all it self! Congrats on taking something from script to screen! That's a ton of hard work and a bunch of hours. I know that my words can only pale in comparison to what you learned from the overall process yourself.
Hope to see more soon! read -
A review of Matt and the Submissiveby Blake421 on 07/16/2011Matt and the Submissive Great introduction to Matt as a character. Good descriptions and snappy dialogue. I’m kind of having a hard time with the realism of Matt’s dialogue with Jared. So far he seems like an extra nice guy who just doesn’t get it. But “best love song ever written by man or beast” is a little tough to swallow. Jared’s line “I like her better” is awesome... Matt and the Submissive
Great introduction to Matt as a character. Good descriptions and snappy dialogue.
I’m kind of having a hard time with the realism of Matt’s dialogue with Jared. So far he seems like an extra nice guy who just doesn’t get it. But “best love song ever written by man or beast” is a little tough to swallow.
Jared’s line “I like her better” is awesome.
Allergic to grapes? He’s a loser enough already, no reason for him to be allergic to grapes.
Having Keely ask him to call her a slave is hilarious – especially with the Rosa Parks comment.
The action that starts on page 26, I would love to see this happen a little sooner. It seems like the inciting incident should be Keely introducing Matt to the weapons. He has a little debate with himself and then decides to go for it by page 25. The action I’m seeing on 31 should be on 25. Matt committing saying “this is going to work” is his stepping across the threshold into act II. Fortunately, everything was pretty well paced up to this point and it read quickly. I would just like to see it a little sooner, that’s all.
Setting up the fire in Matt’s place is perfect to get him into that sticky situation in Deb’s spare bedroom. Great job on set up and payoff.
I really enjoyed it. I feel like the ending could be more like a year down the road at the triplets first birthday. Give us an inch more resolution? Matt and vegan waitress have been together for a year because he “gets it” now. Jared and Deb happy with the triplets pooping and barfing and all that good stuff one year olds do. You’ve got a few more pages of room to add a little something on.
Structure was really tight, story was good, and the ending was excellent. There were a few lines that sort of confused me on Matt’s character. He seemed so real throughout except for a few odd lines that pulled me out of the story.
I’d say that this thing is ready to go one way or the other. Sorry it took so long to get to it. Extremely enjoyable read. If Jared and Matt weren’t brothers, Simon Pegg would make an awesome Jared.
Anyhow, good luck and great job! Hope to see more from you soon. read -
A review of Gabriel's Copingby Blake421 on 07/06/2011It seems that there are some major formatting issues through out your script. You’ve kept a concise cast with some fairly memorable characters. Although your story seems to be lacking major conflict, you were able to spice it up with some symbolism – his room as a metaphor for his state of mind. Perhaps instead of the walls simply cracking, his room could become messier and... It seems that there are some major formatting issues through out your script. You’ve kept a concise cast with some fairly memorable characters. Although your story seems to be lacking major conflict, you were able to spice it up with some symbolism – his room as a metaphor for his state of mind. Perhaps instead of the walls simply cracking, his room could become messier and messier until the walls eventually give out.
How do we know the bar is in Auckland? We should see Aukland before the bar if it must be set in Auckland.
How do we know that this is a figment of his imagination? What are we seeing on screen that tells us this person is imaginary? When he completely disappears, we understand that he’s imaginary. Try and find a way to introduce him as imaginary so we know it from the start.
By page 16, I’m not entirely sure what Gabriel’s problem is and why we are still following him.
Page 22 – I like Nui’s feminist monologue. That was funny. But in the science room, if the window is open, Nui doesn’t need to say its open, the audience can see it.
Page 29 – Formatting issues with your “Time Lapse”. We need a new slug line.
Page 30 – Nui’s death forces Gabe into a new situation. This would have been good to see five pages earlier.
Page 37 – What time of day are we at Some Other Bar? No time in the slug line.
Page 51 – I still feel like nothing has happened. Gabe has transcribed some things while trying to keep his mind off of Nui. This has been going on for twenty pages now. What is the conflict? Is he trying to figure out her death, forget her, find some one new, what? He seems to be plodding along no differently than he was on page 1.
Page 53 – who is figment Kate?
Page 57 – how do we know half an hour has passed?
Page 66 – actions like zooming out are usually left for the director. Unless you plan on shooting this script yourself, things like camera movements should be omitted.
Page 68 – Time lapse needs to be properly formatted.
Page 104 – we end with the group talking about umbrellas? Gabe is feeling better, I get that. Was he trying to get rid of figment Gabe? Was figment Gabe hindering his life in any way? How was letting go of Figment Nui a way of ridding himself of figment Gabe?
Aside from some formatting issues, it seems like you’ve got a sense of pacing through dialogue. None of the scenes read too heavy. If you put some real work into it, you could turn this into a script that can stand on its own. As of right now, its very, very rough. But, with the right amount of determination, you could turn it into something.
read -
A review of Ritualsby Blake421 on 06/30/2011Your main character is getting his hair cut, a ritual. Sure. An execution is also a ritual. Juxtaposing these words and those images may be some what interesting if there were any more clear of a connection. Within such a short time span of your film, there is no direct link between a hair cut, and an execution. They are about as far apart from one another as possible. One... Your main character is getting his hair cut, a ritual. Sure. An execution is also a ritual. Juxtaposing these words and those images may be some what interesting if there were any more clear of a connection. Within such a short time span of your film, there is no direct link between a hair cut, and an execution. They are about as far apart from one another as possible. One happens in every day life and is a sign of life continuing. An execution, public or private, holds much more emotional weight than a hair cut.
Your protagonist says "we have to keep going". Sure, we live on, get hair cuts, whatever. What does any of this have to do with hair cuts or death? Perhaps an artist statement at the beginning would help[ clarify what your audience is supposed to be questioning after viewing your film. That may make more of an emotional impact on your viewers than having no thesis stated. read -
A review of Grown Up Scavenger Huntby Blake421 on 06/27/2011The dialogue is fairly real, upper middle class late twenties realism. Good work on that. Jenna and Cade are molded into sound, believable characters in the first couple of pages. Mose is a great character too. He has wit and plenty of adventure in him. So, it would be great to see something more than your characters moving from point A to point B without consequence. These... The dialogue is fairly real, upper middle class late twenties realism. Good work on that. Jenna and Cade are molded into sound, believable characters in the first couple of pages.
Mose is a great character too. He has wit and plenty of adventure in him. So, it would be great to see something more than your characters moving from point A to point B without consequence. These characters seem like they could have some interesting ways to get out of some sticky situations. Unfortunately, we are never given any of this except for the gymnasium scene. Jenna is a really nice girl who doesn't give Cade any problems until the last ten pages. She can still be an awesome girlfriend even if she puts up some problems for Cade. I would love to see some tougher situations for your protagonist.
I have no sense of urgency about anything within the first 18 pages. This guy is reconnecting with an old friend who now lives in a hipster commune. Everything is portrayed clearly, but what are they doing? Seems like nothing other than drinking so far. That’s fine and well, but there is no drive to this drinking. Why does the audience care?
Here are some page by page issues:
25- “Here it is” – lose that line. The audience knows that “here it is” because that’s where they said they were going to go and have now arrived. I still don’t understand the urgency behind the scavenger hunt.
40- your pacing on the page is great. Enough dialogue on the page to break up the action. I still don’t really understand why Cade wants to go on this scavenger hunt. Reconnecting with Mose is cool, but he didn’t seem like he really wanted any friends in the first place. What does he want out of this trip? Is it to be friends with Mose again? If so, that should be set up as a want or need early on. Cade can’t be anti social and want to be friends with Mose. Very conflicting wants.
Also, there is absolutely no resistance. No conflict at all. Jenna has not made any of this hanging out a tough decision for Cade. “Hey Jenna, can I go out” “Sure, I’m going to bed”. No conflict. Mose has been all about finding these clues so far. Who is the antagonist? Where is the conflict?
The sequence in the gym was the best so far.
Page 78 – what? Really in tune with my semantics? Very awkward conversation.
79 – why not at least peak inside the capsule?
80 – Kerowac burned the midnight oil? For whom? Did he give that much of a damn about being published?
The final confrontation between Mose and Cade seems uncalled for. I’m not really sure what Cade is struggling for or against until the final ten pages of the script. I would love to have seen him meet face to face with the agent rather than a phone call from around the corner. I would like to see some sort of clear conflict – even if that is just an internal conflict within Cade. It seems that you could have an external – having his book finished, a personal – him and Jenna as a couple, and internal – dealing with his past and trying to reconnect with Mose and what made him want to write in the first place.
Your pacing on the page is wonderful, but your structure is lacking. From page to page, things flow well. But the arc of the story is more of a blob.
Format is perfect and your dialogue is good. Give this thing a little more back bone, clear cut conflict, and you could have yourself an indie script that can go places. Best of luck, and let me know if you up date it. read -
A review of Fuzz v2by Blake421 on 06/19/2011Interesting way to open the film. You’ve set the tone of the room very nicely. The interview is a little long and I don’t think we need to see so many flash backs close together. Page 4 – We don’t need to be reminded of his awards again quite so quickly. It seems like they are over emphasized by being mentioned twice within as many pages. Also, something isn’t sitting right... Interesting way to open the film. You’ve set the tone of the room very nicely. The interview is a little long and I don’t think we need to see so many flash backs close together.
Page 4 – We don’t need to be reminded of his awards again quite so quickly. It seems like they are over emphasized by being mentioned twice within as many pages. Also, something isn’t sitting right about a private first class ordering a list of MoH recipients.
Page 5 – Format – Loesser’s dialogue is broken up for no reason on the bottom half of the page.
Page 8 – shotgun slug out of a rabbit? I don’t think there’d be any rabbit left.
21 – pacing so far is excellent. I can see the basketball game coming to an abrupt halt followed by the doctor, the silence. Everything. Very good.
24 – Rodger’s conversation with his mother seems to repeat itself. It could be cut down
29 – Rodger’s line “But what about my hearing?” too on the nose. This is what the audience is thinking, he doesn’t need to vocalize it.
30 – “Hey – here we are!” reads very strangely. Imagine yourself saying it as you pull in some where. Say it aloud. Very unnatural.
32 – I don’t recall a whole lot of yelling from sergeants in All Quiet on the Western Front. You may also want to check when that was translated to English and published here in the states.
39 – these last 15 pages have really slowed down. I don’t feel like the characters progressed at all other than physically checking out the National Guard. The welder’s shop was a good scene, but the boys going to the concert and the whole national guard scene was so slow. It could be cut way down.
43 – the line “here comes the fun part” is odd. Would Rodger and Walter be chattering with each other, or scrambling off the bus? Cutting the dialogue here would help speed up the movie.
46 – FORMAT -- I’m not sure if I’m just noticing it again, but your dialogue is broken up into different sections from the same character.
49- Yes, he’s short. He has to keep harder to keep up on the 5 mile march. He has to work harder to climb stuff. He has a hard time seeing. He’s physically at a disadvantage. We get it.
53 – I like the idea of the conversation between the drill sergeants and Rodger, but it could be trimmed. It seems like we are hearing so much that we’ve already seen. Yes, Rodger has been hunting since he was a kid. The drill instructors shouldn’t care about that – they just care that Rodger is helping improve the squad. Why does Rodger say it won’t be long before we are home again only to cut to the Young home with Rodger outside?! They would be home much more quickly if you cut that line. They could be home in two seconds for the audience!
58 – It seems like you’re speaking through Nick for a history lesson to the audience. I don’t want to know that you are very good with history through strangely forced dialogue with Nick and Esther. They live it every day. How often do you talk about Gadaffi and which towns he is taking or losing? It’s like they’re saying “here are all of our fears that you 21st century folks already know are going to happen. Please donate your sympathy now.”
60 – FORMAT – the cover video thing is a weird format issue. I think you need a new slug line with FLASH BACK or FLASH TO
73- who is George?
74- So now we are finally in the war. I like that you’ve built up Rodger as much as you have, but it really feels like the war should have come much earlier. Until he goes to war there is no conflict from when he thinks about joining up with the national guard until the machine gun nest fires on his squad. There aren’t even any set ups to be paid off at this point. Earlier, we had been worried about him even being able to join because of his hearing and vision. You set that up with the idea that “doctors will poke and prod” him to make sure he checks out. That could have been a great moment of suspense! Does Rodger get in? Does he have to be stuck with office only work? His dream is to make it in and it happens without conflict. Seems like a major missed opportunity. When he does get in, we have nothing more than firing drills and the boys complaining about PT. No conflict makes for little excitement.
76 – Whitey saying he’s a horrible fisherman has sort of driven the point home that his character is rather flat. He’s pale. One distinguishing quality. His dialogue is no different than any other bit part. Is he a little more slack jawed? Is he an idealist? A pompous academic? He doesn’t need a huge back story, but could use some defining characteristic other than he is pale.
77 – FORMAT – not add video. You need a transition of DISSOLVE TO and a slug line of MONTAGE: INT. TENT – DAY
77 – Rodger says it himself – the monotony of training. Seems to be a bunch of that in the script so far. Why put the audience through the monotony of training?
80 – Rodger, “ Did I ever tell you you’re a great friend, Walt?” Read it out loud if you want to keep it.
81 – Another letter montage sequence? Why are we watching Rodger write letters? What is the pay off?
83 – Finally! Some conflict pay off! We’ve heard about the hearing problems before, but since school, PAGE 20, this is the first time it has become an issue. Will Rodger be able to continue to operate in the military? A great hook, but it would have been perfect at page 50.
86 – FORMAT - great scene inside Rodger’s head, but it needs slug lines. EXT. JUNGLE – DAY – RODGER’S IMAGINATION
88 – I don’t understand the interaction between Warner and Thurman. Why is Warner asking advice from a private?
90- Battalion Doc “But the biggest part of them will be fighting for each other” – lose that line.
92 – Rodger and Whitey’s dialogue is rough. “We’ll find out about it in three days”. So will the audience. No need to preface what we are going to see with clunky dialogue.
96 – If Martin comes over and relay’s the captain’s orders, why do we need to hear them twice?
101 – Hail to the emperor? I’d cut that line. These Japanese riflemen are real people, not cartoon villains.
108 – typo “You now it’s funny” should be changed to “you know”
112 – how many times is Frankel going to repeat that Rigby and Fuzz were childhood friends?
116- FORMAT – camera moves are usually left for directors.
So, it seems like you need to close the frame to the story. We open with that guy being interviewed, the movie needs to close that way. Feels like a loose end. There is a lot of potential in this script but it needs to be tightened down and hard. Too much of the dialogue seems to be saying exactly what just happened, a little bit of exposition, and then what is going to happen next. We don’t need to be told all of that – we can see it. Use the voices of the characters to show us who they are and what they’re feeling, not what they’re expecting to do or have just completed doing.
It’s a great story that just needs some strict tightening up. Dialogue format, and structure seem to be the biggest draw backs. Like a well disciplined soldier, get back to work and crank out a great new draft! read
Comments About Blake421 4
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Typist on 01/06/2013
I'm glad you pointed out the errors I made and I fixed the small things, but I don't appreciate you implying that my ideas came from a negative place. You didn't like the subject matter just like the other reviewer so you downplay my script like it's completely dead in the water.
For starters, it read "KYLIE FREEMAN, 13, a sexually precocious young tart" not "delicious young tart". That is an attempt to demonize me or you simply forgot. Did you even read how Mike got Jame's name? -----> Reanna told him it. Some of the errors you stated are your fault. Your mind is clouded in hatred of my story. The script does lead up to Kylie getting kidnapped by Sam. Remember, he's the stalker/child pornographer. The script it meant to bother the viewer and pervert their minds. I don't write PG screenplays that play to the typical reader here.
*This was my first time writing anything. I didn't take screenwriting classes. -
BLSibub on 11/02/2011
Thanks for your review of Life at the Bottom, you make some good points. Good luck with your own writing. -
ma_caiti on 11/01/2011
Thank you for the thorough review and notes! It all helps with further drafts. -
harriet nyborg on 07/17/2011
Hey.Thanks for looking t Matt and the Submissive. I like that you waited, it was like a bonus review. Didn't steal my credits. And it was thoughtful too so even if you did poach my credits it would have been worth it.
If you care: I'm at an interesting point with it. I have to do a huge revision of it. I think as a result it's getting less funny but becoming technically a 'better story'. Character arcs and all. So I don't know how I feel about that trade off, but we'll see. I think in a couple weeks I'll be able to post it.
Anyway, thanks and I hope to get one of yours.
hn
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Comments About Blake421 4
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Quote
I'm glad you pointed out the errors I made and I fixed the small things, but I don't appreciate you implying that my ideas came from a negative place. You didn't like the subject matter just like the other reviewer so you downplay my script like it's completely dead in the water.
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Thanks for your review of Life at the Bottom, you make some good points. Good luck with your own writing.
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Thank you for the thorough review and notes! It all helps with further drafts.
+ more commentsTypist on 01/06/2013
For starters, it read "KYLIE FREEMAN, 13, a sexually precocious young tart" not "delicious young tart". That is an attempt to demonize me or you simply forgot. Did you even read how Mike got Jame's name? -----> Reanna told him it. Some of the errors you stated are your fault. Your mind is clouded in hatred of my story. The script does lead up to Kylie getting kidnapped by Sam. Remember, he's the stalker/child pornographer. The script it meant to bother the viewer and pervert their minds. I don't write PG screenplays that play to the typical reader here.
*This was my first time writing anything. I didn't take screenwriting classes.
BLSibub on 11/02/2011
ma_caiti on 11/01/2011