Genres:
drama
Two emotionally wounded people - a man, Jaime, and a woman who doesn't speak, Bliss - live their lives in the best... more
Brandon Williford
member since 12/21/2002 |
last login 10/26/2012
A former drama student at the University of Alberta, where I studied things about stuff. WASTE OF SPACE is my first produced feature length screenplay (sci-fi/comedy). You can find out more at http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0765485/. It began as a script that had made the...
Bio
A former drama student at the University of Alberta, where I studied things about stuff.
WASTE OF SPACE is my first produced feature length screenplay (sci-fi/comedy). You can find out more at http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0765485/. It began as a script that had made the *bottom* 10 on TS!!.
I'm currently working on a new screenplay (sci-fi/horror/dark comedy) for the Mammoth Dare prompted by Velrevised and a video/film short.
Submissions by Brandon Williford
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Genres: drama, sci-fi/fantasyWhile investigating the mysterious death of her editor's friend, a clairvoyant reporter becomes the prey of two... more
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Genres: drama
Moments of Alyssa's life unfold as stories, centered around the clothing and other items she wears.
Reviews by Brandon Williford 56
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A review of SATAN'S GONE (REV 2)by Brandon Williford on 04/29/2009Please note that this is solely my opinion and you’re free to use or not use what you wish. :) Pg. 2 – The description of the hooker's body being dumped is superfluous and doesn't match with what's already been established by the first two deaths ... that right after dying, they've appeared in the white room. Pg. 3 – If Attilla is speaking Hungarian, how do the new souls... Please note that this is solely my opinion and you’re free to use or not use what you wish. :)
Pg. 2 – The description of the hooker's body being dumped is superfluous and doesn't match with what's already been established by the first two deaths ... that right after dying, they've appeared in the white room.
Pg. 3 – If Attilla is speaking Hungarian, how do the new souls understand him? I know we as an audience do, because of the translation on screen. As well, Hungarian didn't exist in the time of Atilla the Hun, though it was a Turkic-based language. Nit-picky, I know, but ... *grin* As for getting them on their knees, perhaps just place in something like Atilla forcing one or two of them onto their knees which the others then understand what he wants.
Pg. 3 – You switched from "ornate palace" to "mansion." I'd suggest keeping one or the other, but not using both as they give different images.
I'd recommend removing all the (CONT'D)s. They're not really needed for a spec script.
Pg. 3 – "... some point of you miserable ...", should be your, not you.
Pg. 5 – I’d suggest dropping the line "This is where you belong." Leaving it at "Then there is no mistake" really says it all.
Pg. 5 – Why would Satan be showing JFK the footage? Is this part of JFK's hell? Otherwise it's odd that Satan is only now getting around to showing him it. If it's not the first time, perhaps a quick line about how watching it never gets old?
Pg. 6 – "... including this entire group just arrived." I'd recommend using "... that just arrived." Although I can see this being a more specific way of talking, it doesn't read as well when spoken aloud.
Pg. 6 - I'd suggest cutting out the line "No one lies to me." I'd also recommend changing "I am the truth..." to "I am truth." It might just be me, but it sounds cooler.
Pg. 6 - "You took even poor ..." is awkward. Should be "You even took ..."
Pg. 9 – Would a messenger from God be funnier than an awful lot of writing on a bathroom mirror?
Pg. 10 – Too much description that doesn’t take place in the scene setting. You could either montage it, or just have him wipe away the last of the words with a hand or arm, then go to the next scene.
Pg. 11 – Unless a heavenly or hellish being is the Radio DJ then it’s way too convenient that right at that moment, the radio should announce the date (and time).
Pg. 11 – Brent’s comments about amnesia are out of place given the preceding dialogue. There’s nothing that indicates Satan has said anyone’s name. Unless neither Brent nor Bill ever drive and Brent’s trying to indicate that only ‘Jimmy’ does the driving, but it doesn’t seem like that.
Pg. 12 – “... have their first coffee break” is an unfilmable. There’s no way we as an audience can tell that it’s their first coffee break (nor does it help production design). If we’re really meant to know that it’s their first coffee break, it should be noted in the dialogue somehow.
Pg. 13 – “... in a rough neighbourhood” should be an EXT scene all its own so that the audience call easily tell that. Unless we’re shown it through the window, we can’t really tell if the scene’s in Satan’s apartment.
Pg. 18 – I’d reference that Bill can’t drive back on pg. 11, but without stating that he doesn’t have a licence.
Pg. 18 – Why doesn’t Satan use a debit card? Or is God really punishing him by having him have to write cheques?
Pg. 20 – While ethnic diversity is always nice to see, I’d suggest just using a generic Chinese instead of specific Hmong. This is a very, very minor character that doesn’t even have a line.
Pg. 21 – I’m not sure any one tending a bar in a rough neighbourhood would use the phrase “How may I help you?”
Pg. 25 – I’d change “subway” to “sub sandwich.” Sounds lame, I know, but someone will read that and think “We can’t afford to get Subway ...”
Pg. 26 – The flashback needs to be an INT scene to itself. Cut the amount of V/O and show it as action.
Pg. 27 – The “You fuckin’ A” seems out of place, almost like the actual context is missing.
So far, Satan comes across as a mixed bag and I don’t know what to make of it – he’s helping people, then he’s hurting people, then being kind, then putting out someone’s eyes with his thumbs. I certainly don’t find myself caring for him or what he’s going through ... and I’m certainly not rooting for him. Nor do I particularly find his co-workers appealing as characters in any way. Since this is labelled as a comedy/drama, I haven’t seen much in the way of humour, not even dark comedy. Now humour is subjective (and I should know!), but I haven’t seen any sign of it.
And speaking of putting out someone’s eyes with thumbs, would a human being actually be able to do that? And if so, without also injuring the brain or causing death?
Pg. 35 – The Slug lines are not consistent in format.
Pg. 35 – The news report sequence is a little long for Satan just sitting there. If you want to keep the report just on his t.v., then I’d recommend having Satan move around his apartment, doing something – such as getting some food ready, or his idea of cleaning ... with the occasional glance at the t.v. to see specifics of what the report is about.
This is also the first bit of actual humour I’ve seen in the script.
Pg. 37 – The clerk gave no indication that she was ridiculing Satan, so this makes his comment a bit overboard. I’d leave it at just “I had a stroke, okay?”
Pg. 40 – The news report segment is again too long for being in a single setting (on a t.v. in a bar). I’d recommend opening it up so that is unfolds onscreen.
Pg. 42 – Why did Martika protect Satan? I haven’t seen anything in the way they talk to each other to warrant this kind of protection. Especially given that the last time we saw them together, Satan told her not to be racist and gave her what could be considered a condescending pat on the hand.
Pg. 42 – If Bill’s a supervisor, why has he put up with Brent?
Pg. 43 – How many cheques does Satan have?
Pg. 46 – I think the little boy’s going to need some therapy after this incident.
Pg. 49 – I think that we’ve already seen Tom and Diana on t.v. – best to put the character descriptions of them when they first appeared.
Pg. 52 – This bar is really packed with them!
Pg. 56 – Wow. Everybody’s family is full of sins!
Pg. 57 – Same thing with the scene at the Elementary school as when Satan was going to his apartment: you need to break up where he goes into more specific scenes.
Pg. 59 – Why would George only want a lawyer if Satan were a cop?
Pg. 61 – 63 – The scene with Brent doesn’t really seem necessary.
Pg. 66 – If Satan is now human, how can anything with him be binding?
Pg. 67 – Francine calls him “father”, so having the Anchor say “We spoke to his daughter...” isn’t needed.
Pg. 69 – “... as he is now wont to do” is an unfilmable and isn’t something that an actor can use.
Pg. 74 – The whole sequence from the Hotel Lobby to the suite needs to be broken up into its own set of scenes.
Pg. 76 – The scenes where Thu shows up at Satan’s suite and when John does the interview – is the interview later that night or the next night? There should be a clear delineation between the two in the slug line ... either with NIGHT – LATER or THE NEXT NIGHT.
Pg. 83 – How exactly does Satan manage to break Tom’s hand with his own?
Pg. 84 – “Nincompoop” – This really seems out of character for Satan to use.
There’s too much repetition. It’s clear that Satan has an agenda and what he’s trying to do. At this point I realized that the screenplay is 120 pages, essentially making this a 2+ hour film.
Pg. 93 – Thu’s monologue is long. While it explains some about her and where she is as a person, it doesn't really play into why Satan later wants to save her. Or at least it doesn't show in a way that I saw.
Pg. 98 – This scene should take place about 15-20 pages earlier.
Pg. 100 – If Satan knows the combination already, why even bother testing Bates if he knows that Bates will already lie about it?
Pg. 102 – At this point, there’s no reason why Tom wouldn’t believe something Satan tells him.
Pg. 110 – When did Satan get set up with the fake name of Devine for his meeting with the Senator?
CONCEPT: While the story idea has a lot of potential – a good concept – I personally didn’t care for the way it played out. I found it repetitive and about 30 pages too long for what it seemed like you were trying to say. The repetition came across as heavy-handed.
The main flaw is that I didn’t find myself caring for any of the characters at all ... not in a dramatic sense nor a comedic sense. There was nothing that anchored me with wanting to know how the story would play out or what would happen to the characters.
The main assertion that I got from the screenplay, even if it was meant satirically, is that pretty much everyone is a sinner (the one exception being the woman in the bar who had accidentally poured hot water on herself when she was five). There’s nothing redeeming in anyone who speaks, again neither in a dramatic or comedic sense and the bold amounts of sin per person come across as overboard.
In addition, God comes across on the condescending side and definitely a bit on the “vengeful” side ... take your medicine or I’ll inflict pain and suffering on another. Again, there’s nothing here that leaves me with something to take away from the story: People bad, God and Satan worse. God states on pg. 9 that Satan will “come to love my creation.” This is a pretty strong indicator of what kind of ending could happen, but doesn’t come close. It’s placement right before the change of location to show Satan’s new digs.
STRUCTURE: It seems like you simply adapted the novel story to screenplay form without using the act structure screenplays tend to require (and I’m not speaking of just a 3 act structure, because a story takes as many acts as it requires). This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but for this story it seems like it just kind of gets to the end, instead of wanting to get to the end and be told.
DIALOGUE: The dialogue is a little all over the place, which is fine when you have two characters such as Satan and God speaking, because there would be a bit of stylized speech with them. And for Satan this would be a carry-over to being simply human. However, the rest of the cast aren’t consistent within the context of naturalistic speech.
OVERALL: Average. read -
A review of Id.by Brandon Williford on 10/23/2006Hopefully you'll find my comments useful. Concept – Interesting and workable. Story/Structure – The structure technically holds up, but a lot of what pushes the story forward are forced contrivances in the story. Character – Basic. I never really felt anything for these characters ... they came across as a little too on the cliched side for me. Dialogue – Addressed in... Hopefully you'll find my comments useful.
Concept – Interesting and workable.
Story/Structure – The structure technically holds up, but a lot of what pushes the story forward are forced contrivances in the story.
Character – Basic. I never really felt anything for these characters ... they came across as a little too on the cliched side for me.
Dialogue – Addressed in my notes.
Notes:
General – starting with page 3, put the beat notes as actions instead. This is where those types of descriptions belong. As well, get rid of all filmic directions such as 'CUT TO:'. For all intents of purposes on this site, you're writing a spec script, even if you plan on directing it yourself. Taking those out will affect the page count. You don't need the (CONT'D) either
page 11 – George isn't introduced as a character like he should be.
page 20 – I've noticed that you have a tendency to write passively instead of actively. Example on this page "She is obviously crying now." This can be actively shortened to "She cries." Anything that makes the flow of reading easier keeps the important stuff in the reader's head. Don't be afraid of using contractions, either in descriptions or in character dialogue, unless it's a specific character trait. Again, it smooths out the flow of the reading.
page 24 – Marvin's monologue. It's long and it breaks the fairly consistent pacing you've established. It's also convoluted. I would definitely ferret out the essence of what Marvin's wanting to vent about and focus the wording to reflect that.
page 25 – Marvin would've know that he was going to be an outpatient in therapy before this conversation with Geneva in her office (basically when he found out he would be discharged).
page 30 – "If she glanced, she may not recognize ..." This is not worded well.
page 35 – Another section of where the dialogue doesn't flow well. There's stilted dialogue all through the script and a lot of the times it sounds "written" instead of "spoken."
page 39 – Would there actually be a large chance of this item still being there in the sewer? And why a net?
page 44 – Marvin's comment about the office colour suiting Geneva. I haven't really seen any behaviour out of Geneva that Marvin would witness that would allow him to make this kind of comment. This line strikes me as being a big shout out regarding the eventual revelation of Geneva's true colours.
page 47 – I'm not convinced that a person of non-white persuasion would work for a club that the person acknowledges doesn't allow non-white folk to become a part of. This comes across as a convenient device to move the story forward and is way too easily passed by.
page 49 – Given his feelings for George, would Marvin really be quippy? "It's a fad starvation diet." As well, Marvin's making a huge assumption/leap of logic about George given the severe lack of evidence.
page 50 – This scene at the restaurant is where I actually started to not care about finding out what happened. The scene doesn’t come across as logical or "real": it really does read as "this is how it is." It should play out much more subtextually.
page 51 – Marvin's comment about George looking like he had something planned didn't read that way during the actual scene.
page 54 – I'm all for dramatic nature, but nature was a little too precise with the moment. As well, Celia certainly forgave Marvin fast for hitting her. Continuing onto page 55, Celia's quick on the uptake about Marvin implication George. The scene stops very abruptly, without any resolution to the scene itself.
page 56 – We're not sure Sara is Marvin’s? That’s not what I got from Celia. Why would Marvin doubt this? Especially when he says two lines later that he doubts Celia would lie to him.
page 57 – Geneva talks to Marvin like she expected him to be in the wait room.
page 60 – "I was cognitive of my actions, if that's what you mean." How about "I knew what I was doing?" What you wrote doesn't actually sound like something Marvin would say, the second does. As well, the monologue on this page is long. Nothing wrong with that, but you should really break it up – either with action descriptions about movement, etc. Or break it up with Geneva asking questions that prompt replies.
page 61 – a good example of less-is-good. Geneva's line "I’m posted from time to time." How about "She nods"?
I've also found the word paranoid is thrown around a lot in the script. It neither rings true or sounds right.
When Geneva recommends trying regression therapy – this whole part of the scene doesn't come across well and contradicts itself in the end.
page 64 – cut out a good portion of the Geneva talking Marvin into the hypnosis. It slows down the pacing. A lot of what she's speaking can be translated to images as Marvin actually does them. We don't need to be told and shown at the same time as we’re shown and told.
page 68 – I love the transition. However this is something that would come down to being a director's choice of doing visually. I'd try something like "Marvin flips the picture on the table face-up and stares at it." This could then lend itself to the transition you have in your head.
page 69 – "That’s a complete answer." Doesn’t sound like something someone would say. Maybe something like "So?" or "Doesn't answer my question."
I would think they'd try and be a bit more stealthy with the breaking in.
page 79 – My apologies, but this whole sequence reads as cheesy and cliched. As the sequence progresses into Sid's office, it becomes very cliched.
page 82 – Marvin's cell phone is handily accessible.
page 84 – Marvin thought of this awfully fast. And wouldn't the police have been checking the phone for anything? Especially if the room is barren, although it has magazines and Sid's personal effects.
page 87 – "The jig, Dr. Collins, is up." Not the best line in the script. It just sounds bad. Marvin is supposed to be an intelligent person and that’s not something someone like him would say, I think.
page 92 – The files that Marvin found were awfully convenient in how much information they have. This kind of reading should be something that Marvin learns out loud through smooth dialogue with one of the bad guys. Something that he/she talks out and that Marvin intuits from the information he read in a file and what they tell him.
Marvin taking them to anywhere really strikes me as a convenient story tool. Would he really take off with them only to essentially put them in danger? Wouldn't they be better off away from him until this whole thing is resolved?
page 95 – Where was Marvin standing that he could put a gun to Montgomery’s neck?
page 98 – Why would Marvin eat them? Basic emotional instinct or not? He didn't like his brother when he was younger so he ate him and his dad?
page 100 – Who freed Montgomery?
Page 101 – Lawrence's line. Would he really explain that he’s the resident chemist? And how is the stuff going to change the world?
page 103 – Marvin's madman behaviour really seems contradictory to what’s come before. While there's some indicators of this kind of behaviour, there’s nothing to indicate this gleeful murderous path. Revenge is one thing, but enjoying it ...
page 106 – Last scene on the page: if it's black how can we see that George is levelling a gun?
page 109 – Why would Marvin hit George with ... a shoe?
page 110 – Huh? I’m not sure I get why the question "Why?" from George was the question that Marvin needed him to answer. If he was wanting to know why George did it, why did he knock him out?
How did Marvin find Celia and Sara without the police seeing him? Or paramedics? Or anyone else?
Final thoughts – An interesting concept/story that I think could be a really entertaining/good script but it's hampered by some flaws in story and character logic. There’s no reason as the 'why' this was being done, not even a because it was "interesting" or "fun." And why four years? Wouldn’t they have used him for something else? This would make sense given the ending you have which sets up for any sequel story. However, I think that should be hinted at elsewhere in this story. There's a lot of lost time for Marvin and it should be accounted for even in vague hints (other than what happened to his poor family).
How did Marvin heal up? What was the purpose of the self-torture? Why was Marvin released back into the world? Why was he actively followed up by people who are in this project?
An idea: Why not have Geneva be like Marvin?
And lastly ... I don’t think ID works as a title. It doesn't get the gist of the story across.
This is not a bad script, it's just not a good one. It has a *lot* of potential and I think that another draft after a good, pointed tooling of the story, you'd have something good. Right now it feels as if you haven't thought out this world fully and it shows in the writing.
I look forward to seeing whatever the next draft brings. read -
A review of THE NIGHTWALKERby Brandon Williford on 10/20/2006I'm hoping I do this well. It's my first short film review. Overall it's an interesting concept/premise that I think could benefit from a bit more tinkering in the post-production areas. The shot construction is mostly effective, with a few spots that could stand a reshoot (such as the top of the dashboard that briefly shows twice). The most jarring part of it was the lack... I'm hoping I do this well. It's my first short film review.
Overall it's an interesting concept/premise that I think could benefit from a bit more tinkering in the post-production areas.
The shot construction is mostly effective, with a few spots that could stand a reshoot (such as the top of the dashboard that briefly shows twice). The most jarring part of it was the lack of static shots. It felt like the camera shots were too busy and it doesn't lend itself well to the material. Just my opinion, but I think static shots would've worked better.
Now on to the things that could be fixed if you decide to head my review at all.
Too much dialogue/narrative. Something like this would benefit from less dialogue. It doesn't help that the dialogue isn't recorded as well as it should be (mic too close to mouth, doesn't sound like there was a pop guard, too tinny sounding). Nor does the performance of the voice actor work as it comes across as sounding like an actor speaking lines instead of a human thought process.
The dialogue mix might benefit from more overlapping in the words, effectively shortening up the run time of the dialogue and creating more of a moody time-passing as he experiments effect. Let the images help propel the narrative ... the dialogue for this type of thing should enhance the visuals, not lead us along with them and explain everything.
The music is effective for the idea, though I do question the use of "strong" sounding material (especially the intro music). The music comes across as more thriller than creepy/atmospheric.
Acting is just a tad under average. It strikes me as actors going through motions instead of being in the moment and relaying that information as natural movement.
Opening credits went by too fast. This does influence the flow of what comes after.
The script itself could've used a bit of tweaking before shooting it as it does show in the final product. There's a line "invisible to all others" that ends up not being true, as the line implies *all*. It goes on a bit later to state that you can be seen in the alternate state of being by the others there ... even if they don't make eye contact.
Note: Logically speaking, wouldn't the lead character have read everything *before* trying it out? He's a scientist. He'd do things like that, especially regarding something that the sender admits may sound sketchy. And were this true, he would only try things like touching his body just to see if it were true. This isn't how it reads on screen at all. We see him do something, then see him reading that he basically shouldn't do stuff like that.
I like that you end up giving visuals that the sender isn't what he seems. Though it does stand out in an awkward way as this person isn't really there, just his thoughts on paper.
I hope any of this helps out should you decide to do a longer version of it. I think it's an interesting idea that could be explored further. read
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Submissions by Brandon Williford
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Genres: drama, sci-fi/fantasy
While investigating the mysterious death of her editor's friend, a clairvoyant reporter becomes the prey of two... more
-
Genres: drama
Moments of Alyssa's life unfold as stories, centered around the clothing and other items she wears.
-
Genres: drama, sci-fi/fantasy
While investigating the mysterious death of her editor's friend, a clairvoyant reporter becomes the prey of two... more
Reviews by Brandon Williford 56
-
A review of SATAN'S GONE (REV 2)by Brandon Williford on 04/29/2009Please note that this is solely my opinion and you’re free to use or not use what you wish. :) Pg. 2 – The description of the hooker's body being dumped is superfluous and doesn't match with what's already been established by the first two deaths ... that right after dying, they've appeared in the white room. Pg. 3 – If Attilla is speaking Hungarian, how do the new souls... Please note that this is solely my opinion and you’re free to use or not use what you wish. :)
Pg. 2 – The description of the hooker's body being dumped is superfluous and doesn't match with what's already been established by the first two deaths ... that right after dying, they've appeared in the white room.
Pg. 3 – If Attilla is speaking Hungarian, how do the new souls understand him? I know we as an audience do, because of the translation on screen. As well, Hungarian didn't exist in the time of Atilla the Hun, though it was a Turkic-based language. Nit-picky, I know, but ... *grin* As for getting them on their knees, perhaps just place in something like Atilla forcing one or two of them onto their knees which the others then understand what he wants.
Pg. 3 – You switched from "ornate palace" to "mansion." I'd suggest keeping one or the other, but not using both as they give different images.
I'd recommend removing all the (CONT'D)s. They're not really needed for a spec script.
Pg. 3 – "... some point of you miserable ...", should be your, not you.
Pg. 5 – I’d suggest dropping the line "This is where you belong." Leaving it at "Then there is no mistake" really says it all.
Pg. 5 – Why would Satan be showing JFK the footage? Is this part of JFK's hell? Otherwise it's odd that Satan is only now getting around to showing him it. If it's not the first time, perhaps a quick line about how watching it never gets old?
Pg. 6 – "... including this entire group just arrived." I'd recommend using "... that just arrived." Although I can see this being a more specific way of talking, it doesn't read as well when spoken aloud.
Pg. 6 - I'd suggest cutting out the line "No one lies to me." I'd also recommend changing "I am the truth..." to "I am truth." It might just be me, but it sounds cooler.
Pg. 6 - "You took even poor ..." is awkward. Should be "You even took ..."
Pg. 9 – Would a messenger from God be funnier than an awful lot of writing on a bathroom mirror?
Pg. 10 – Too much description that doesn’t take place in the scene setting. You could either montage it, or just have him wipe away the last of the words with a hand or arm, then go to the next scene.
Pg. 11 – Unless a heavenly or hellish being is the Radio DJ then it’s way too convenient that right at that moment, the radio should announce the date (and time).
Pg. 11 – Brent’s comments about amnesia are out of place given the preceding dialogue. There’s nothing that indicates Satan has said anyone’s name. Unless neither Brent nor Bill ever drive and Brent’s trying to indicate that only ‘Jimmy’ does the driving, but it doesn’t seem like that.
Pg. 12 – “... have their first coffee break” is an unfilmable. There’s no way we as an audience can tell that it’s their first coffee break (nor does it help production design). If we’re really meant to know that it’s their first coffee break, it should be noted in the dialogue somehow.
Pg. 13 – “... in a rough neighbourhood” should be an EXT scene all its own so that the audience call easily tell that. Unless we’re shown it through the window, we can’t really tell if the scene’s in Satan’s apartment.
Pg. 18 – I’d reference that Bill can’t drive back on pg. 11, but without stating that he doesn’t have a licence.
Pg. 18 – Why doesn’t Satan use a debit card? Or is God really punishing him by having him have to write cheques?
Pg. 20 – While ethnic diversity is always nice to see, I’d suggest just using a generic Chinese instead of specific Hmong. This is a very, very minor character that doesn’t even have a line.
Pg. 21 – I’m not sure any one tending a bar in a rough neighbourhood would use the phrase “How may I help you?”
Pg. 25 – I’d change “subway” to “sub sandwich.” Sounds lame, I know, but someone will read that and think “We can’t afford to get Subway ...”
Pg. 26 – The flashback needs to be an INT scene to itself. Cut the amount of V/O and show it as action.
Pg. 27 – The “You fuckin’ A” seems out of place, almost like the actual context is missing.
So far, Satan comes across as a mixed bag and I don’t know what to make of it – he’s helping people, then he’s hurting people, then being kind, then putting out someone’s eyes with his thumbs. I certainly don’t find myself caring for him or what he’s going through ... and I’m certainly not rooting for him. Nor do I particularly find his co-workers appealing as characters in any way. Since this is labelled as a comedy/drama, I haven’t seen much in the way of humour, not even dark comedy. Now humour is subjective (and I should know!), but I haven’t seen any sign of it.
And speaking of putting out someone’s eyes with thumbs, would a human being actually be able to do that? And if so, without also injuring the brain or causing death?
Pg. 35 – The Slug lines are not consistent in format.
Pg. 35 – The news report sequence is a little long for Satan just sitting there. If you want to keep the report just on his t.v., then I’d recommend having Satan move around his apartment, doing something – such as getting some food ready, or his idea of cleaning ... with the occasional glance at the t.v. to see specifics of what the report is about.
This is also the first bit of actual humour I’ve seen in the script.
Pg. 37 – The clerk gave no indication that she was ridiculing Satan, so this makes his comment a bit overboard. I’d leave it at just “I had a stroke, okay?”
Pg. 40 – The news report segment is again too long for being in a single setting (on a t.v. in a bar). I’d recommend opening it up so that is unfolds onscreen.
Pg. 42 – Why did Martika protect Satan? I haven’t seen anything in the way they talk to each other to warrant this kind of protection. Especially given that the last time we saw them together, Satan told her not to be racist and gave her what could be considered a condescending pat on the hand.
Pg. 42 – If Bill’s a supervisor, why has he put up with Brent?
Pg. 43 – How many cheques does Satan have?
Pg. 46 – I think the little boy’s going to need some therapy after this incident.
Pg. 49 – I think that we’ve already seen Tom and Diana on t.v. – best to put the character descriptions of them when they first appeared.
Pg. 52 – This bar is really packed with them!
Pg. 56 – Wow. Everybody’s family is full of sins!
Pg. 57 – Same thing with the scene at the Elementary school as when Satan was going to his apartment: you need to break up where he goes into more specific scenes.
Pg. 59 – Why would George only want a lawyer if Satan were a cop?
Pg. 61 – 63 – The scene with Brent doesn’t really seem necessary.
Pg. 66 – If Satan is now human, how can anything with him be binding?
Pg. 67 – Francine calls him “father”, so having the Anchor say “We spoke to his daughter...” isn’t needed.
Pg. 69 – “... as he is now wont to do” is an unfilmable and isn’t something that an actor can use.
Pg. 74 – The whole sequence from the Hotel Lobby to the suite needs to be broken up into its own set of scenes.
Pg. 76 – The scenes where Thu shows up at Satan’s suite and when John does the interview – is the interview later that night or the next night? There should be a clear delineation between the two in the slug line ... either with NIGHT – LATER or THE NEXT NIGHT.
Pg. 83 – How exactly does Satan manage to break Tom’s hand with his own?
Pg. 84 – “Nincompoop” – This really seems out of character for Satan to use.
There’s too much repetition. It’s clear that Satan has an agenda and what he’s trying to do. At this point I realized that the screenplay is 120 pages, essentially making this a 2+ hour film.
Pg. 93 – Thu’s monologue is long. While it explains some about her and where she is as a person, it doesn't really play into why Satan later wants to save her. Or at least it doesn't show in a way that I saw.
Pg. 98 – This scene should take place about 15-20 pages earlier.
Pg. 100 – If Satan knows the combination already, why even bother testing Bates if he knows that Bates will already lie about it?
Pg. 102 – At this point, there’s no reason why Tom wouldn’t believe something Satan tells him.
Pg. 110 – When did Satan get set up with the fake name of Devine for his meeting with the Senator?
CONCEPT: While the story idea has a lot of potential – a good concept – I personally didn’t care for the way it played out. I found it repetitive and about 30 pages too long for what it seemed like you were trying to say. The repetition came across as heavy-handed.
The main flaw is that I didn’t find myself caring for any of the characters at all ... not in a dramatic sense nor a comedic sense. There was nothing that anchored me with wanting to know how the story would play out or what would happen to the characters.
The main assertion that I got from the screenplay, even if it was meant satirically, is that pretty much everyone is a sinner (the one exception being the woman in the bar who had accidentally poured hot water on herself when she was five). There’s nothing redeeming in anyone who speaks, again neither in a dramatic or comedic sense and the bold amounts of sin per person come across as overboard.
In addition, God comes across on the condescending side and definitely a bit on the “vengeful” side ... take your medicine or I’ll inflict pain and suffering on another. Again, there’s nothing here that leaves me with something to take away from the story: People bad, God and Satan worse. God states on pg. 9 that Satan will “come to love my creation.” This is a pretty strong indicator of what kind of ending could happen, but doesn’t come close. It’s placement right before the change of location to show Satan’s new digs.
STRUCTURE: It seems like you simply adapted the novel story to screenplay form without using the act structure screenplays tend to require (and I’m not speaking of just a 3 act structure, because a story takes as many acts as it requires). This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but for this story it seems like it just kind of gets to the end, instead of wanting to get to the end and be told.
DIALOGUE: The dialogue is a little all over the place, which is fine when you have two characters such as Satan and God speaking, because there would be a bit of stylized speech with them. And for Satan this would be a carry-over to being simply human. However, the rest of the cast aren’t consistent within the context of naturalistic speech.
OVERALL: Average. read -
A review of Id.by Brandon Williford on 10/23/2006Hopefully you'll find my comments useful. Concept – Interesting and workable. Story/Structure – The structure technically holds up, but a lot of what pushes the story forward are forced contrivances in the story. Character – Basic. I never really felt anything for these characters ... they came across as a little too on the cliched side for me. Dialogue – Addressed in... Hopefully you'll find my comments useful.
Concept – Interesting and workable.
Story/Structure – The structure technically holds up, but a lot of what pushes the story forward are forced contrivances in the story.
Character – Basic. I never really felt anything for these characters ... they came across as a little too on the cliched side for me.
Dialogue – Addressed in my notes.
Notes:
General – starting with page 3, put the beat notes as actions instead. This is where those types of descriptions belong. As well, get rid of all filmic directions such as 'CUT TO:'. For all intents of purposes on this site, you're writing a spec script, even if you plan on directing it yourself. Taking those out will affect the page count. You don't need the (CONT'D) either
page 11 – George isn't introduced as a character like he should be.
page 20 – I've noticed that you have a tendency to write passively instead of actively. Example on this page "She is obviously crying now." This can be actively shortened to "She cries." Anything that makes the flow of reading easier keeps the important stuff in the reader's head. Don't be afraid of using contractions, either in descriptions or in character dialogue, unless it's a specific character trait. Again, it smooths out the flow of the reading.
page 24 – Marvin's monologue. It's long and it breaks the fairly consistent pacing you've established. It's also convoluted. I would definitely ferret out the essence of what Marvin's wanting to vent about and focus the wording to reflect that.
page 25 – Marvin would've know that he was going to be an outpatient in therapy before this conversation with Geneva in her office (basically when he found out he would be discharged).
page 30 – "If she glanced, she may not recognize ..." This is not worded well.
page 35 – Another section of where the dialogue doesn't flow well. There's stilted dialogue all through the script and a lot of the times it sounds "written" instead of "spoken."
page 39 – Would there actually be a large chance of this item still being there in the sewer? And why a net?
page 44 – Marvin's comment about the office colour suiting Geneva. I haven't really seen any behaviour out of Geneva that Marvin would witness that would allow him to make this kind of comment. This line strikes me as being a big shout out regarding the eventual revelation of Geneva's true colours.
page 47 – I'm not convinced that a person of non-white persuasion would work for a club that the person acknowledges doesn't allow non-white folk to become a part of. This comes across as a convenient device to move the story forward and is way too easily passed by.
page 49 – Given his feelings for George, would Marvin really be quippy? "It's a fad starvation diet." As well, Marvin's making a huge assumption/leap of logic about George given the severe lack of evidence.
page 50 – This scene at the restaurant is where I actually started to not care about finding out what happened. The scene doesn’t come across as logical or "real": it really does read as "this is how it is." It should play out much more subtextually.
page 51 – Marvin's comment about George looking like he had something planned didn't read that way during the actual scene.
page 54 – I'm all for dramatic nature, but nature was a little too precise with the moment. As well, Celia certainly forgave Marvin fast for hitting her. Continuing onto page 55, Celia's quick on the uptake about Marvin implication George. The scene stops very abruptly, without any resolution to the scene itself.
page 56 – We're not sure Sara is Marvin’s? That’s not what I got from Celia. Why would Marvin doubt this? Especially when he says two lines later that he doubts Celia would lie to him.
page 57 – Geneva talks to Marvin like she expected him to be in the wait room.
page 60 – "I was cognitive of my actions, if that's what you mean." How about "I knew what I was doing?" What you wrote doesn't actually sound like something Marvin would say, the second does. As well, the monologue on this page is long. Nothing wrong with that, but you should really break it up – either with action descriptions about movement, etc. Or break it up with Geneva asking questions that prompt replies.
page 61 – a good example of less-is-good. Geneva's line "I’m posted from time to time." How about "She nods"?
I've also found the word paranoid is thrown around a lot in the script. It neither rings true or sounds right.
When Geneva recommends trying regression therapy – this whole part of the scene doesn't come across well and contradicts itself in the end.
page 64 – cut out a good portion of the Geneva talking Marvin into the hypnosis. It slows down the pacing. A lot of what she's speaking can be translated to images as Marvin actually does them. We don't need to be told and shown at the same time as we’re shown and told.
page 68 – I love the transition. However this is something that would come down to being a director's choice of doing visually. I'd try something like "Marvin flips the picture on the table face-up and stares at it." This could then lend itself to the transition you have in your head.
page 69 – "That’s a complete answer." Doesn’t sound like something someone would say. Maybe something like "So?" or "Doesn't answer my question."
I would think they'd try and be a bit more stealthy with the breaking in.
page 79 – My apologies, but this whole sequence reads as cheesy and cliched. As the sequence progresses into Sid's office, it becomes very cliched.
page 82 – Marvin's cell phone is handily accessible.
page 84 – Marvin thought of this awfully fast. And wouldn't the police have been checking the phone for anything? Especially if the room is barren, although it has magazines and Sid's personal effects.
page 87 – "The jig, Dr. Collins, is up." Not the best line in the script. It just sounds bad. Marvin is supposed to be an intelligent person and that’s not something someone like him would say, I think.
page 92 – The files that Marvin found were awfully convenient in how much information they have. This kind of reading should be something that Marvin learns out loud through smooth dialogue with one of the bad guys. Something that he/she talks out and that Marvin intuits from the information he read in a file and what they tell him.
Marvin taking them to anywhere really strikes me as a convenient story tool. Would he really take off with them only to essentially put them in danger? Wouldn't they be better off away from him until this whole thing is resolved?
page 95 – Where was Marvin standing that he could put a gun to Montgomery’s neck?
page 98 – Why would Marvin eat them? Basic emotional instinct or not? He didn't like his brother when he was younger so he ate him and his dad?
page 100 – Who freed Montgomery?
Page 101 – Lawrence's line. Would he really explain that he’s the resident chemist? And how is the stuff going to change the world?
page 103 – Marvin's madman behaviour really seems contradictory to what’s come before. While there's some indicators of this kind of behaviour, there’s nothing to indicate this gleeful murderous path. Revenge is one thing, but enjoying it ...
page 106 – Last scene on the page: if it's black how can we see that George is levelling a gun?
page 109 – Why would Marvin hit George with ... a shoe?
page 110 – Huh? I’m not sure I get why the question "Why?" from George was the question that Marvin needed him to answer. If he was wanting to know why George did it, why did he knock him out?
How did Marvin find Celia and Sara without the police seeing him? Or paramedics? Or anyone else?
Final thoughts – An interesting concept/story that I think could be a really entertaining/good script but it's hampered by some flaws in story and character logic. There’s no reason as the 'why' this was being done, not even a because it was "interesting" or "fun." And why four years? Wouldn’t they have used him for something else? This would make sense given the ending you have which sets up for any sequel story. However, I think that should be hinted at elsewhere in this story. There's a lot of lost time for Marvin and it should be accounted for even in vague hints (other than what happened to his poor family).
How did Marvin heal up? What was the purpose of the self-torture? Why was Marvin released back into the world? Why was he actively followed up by people who are in this project?
An idea: Why not have Geneva be like Marvin?
And lastly ... I don’t think ID works as a title. It doesn't get the gist of the story across.
This is not a bad script, it's just not a good one. It has a *lot* of potential and I think that another draft after a good, pointed tooling of the story, you'd have something good. Right now it feels as if you haven't thought out this world fully and it shows in the writing.
I look forward to seeing whatever the next draft brings. read -
A review of THE NIGHTWALKERby Brandon Williford on 10/20/2006I'm hoping I do this well. It's my first short film review. Overall it's an interesting concept/premise that I think could benefit from a bit more tinkering in the post-production areas. The shot construction is mostly effective, with a few spots that could stand a reshoot (such as the top of the dashboard that briefly shows twice). The most jarring part of it was the lack... I'm hoping I do this well. It's my first short film review.
Overall it's an interesting concept/premise that I think could benefit from a bit more tinkering in the post-production areas.
The shot construction is mostly effective, with a few spots that could stand a reshoot (such as the top of the dashboard that briefly shows twice). The most jarring part of it was the lack of static shots. It felt like the camera shots were too busy and it doesn't lend itself well to the material. Just my opinion, but I think static shots would've worked better.
Now on to the things that could be fixed if you decide to head my review at all.
Too much dialogue/narrative. Something like this would benefit from less dialogue. It doesn't help that the dialogue isn't recorded as well as it should be (mic too close to mouth, doesn't sound like there was a pop guard, too tinny sounding). Nor does the performance of the voice actor work as it comes across as sounding like an actor speaking lines instead of a human thought process.
The dialogue mix might benefit from more overlapping in the words, effectively shortening up the run time of the dialogue and creating more of a moody time-passing as he experiments effect. Let the images help propel the narrative ... the dialogue for this type of thing should enhance the visuals, not lead us along with them and explain everything.
The music is effective for the idea, though I do question the use of "strong" sounding material (especially the intro music). The music comes across as more thriller than creepy/atmospheric.
Acting is just a tad under average. It strikes me as actors going through motions instead of being in the moment and relaying that information as natural movement.
Opening credits went by too fast. This does influence the flow of what comes after.
The script itself could've used a bit of tweaking before shooting it as it does show in the final product. There's a line "invisible to all others" that ends up not being true, as the line implies *all*. It goes on a bit later to state that you can be seen in the alternate state of being by the others there ... even if they don't make eye contact.
Note: Logically speaking, wouldn't the lead character have read everything *before* trying it out? He's a scientist. He'd do things like that, especially regarding something that the sender admits may sound sketchy. And were this true, he would only try things like touching his body just to see if it were true. This isn't how it reads on screen at all. We see him do something, then see him reading that he basically shouldn't do stuff like that.
I like that you end up giving visuals that the sender isn't what he seems. Though it does stand out in an awkward way as this person isn't really there, just his thoughts on paper.
I hope any of this helps out should you decide to do a longer version of it. I think it's an interesting idea that could be explored further. read -
A review of The Professor's Widow (Rev. f.2)by Brandon Williford on 10/19/2006Well ... my first Muhlfelder script. Lots of anticipation ... and it paid off. This is probably going to be the worst review I've ever given simply for the fact that I enjoyed this script so damn much. It's well-paced, quirky (in a nearly screw-ball kind of way), has some fun characters (even the old dowdies). Lovingly structured. Great script. With only two real problems,... Well ... my first Muhlfelder script. Lots of anticipation ... and it paid off. This is probably going to be the worst review I've ever given simply for the fact that I enjoyed this script so damn much.
It's well-paced, quirky (in a nearly screw-ball kind of way), has some fun characters (even the old dowdies). Lovingly structured. Great script. With only two real problems, at least for me. I loved the fact that the young teens speaking the way they do matches the environment they've been raised in.
The one single problem with the script and that’s the part where Victor throws up at the table. Amazing ability to do something like that at will. And it's the one sole thing in the script that I think could be cut without any problem at all. I'm taking the affirmative action camp stance against puking-at-will on dining tables.
The second problem is Valerie. What was the point in Victor bringing her to the hearing? There didn't seem to be any real resolution to that subplot, other than it pointing out to Tom history repeating itself in regards to beautiful widows ... and that's not really a resolution. (Unless Tom had something to do with Valerie's ousting years earlier ... as in he didn't do something that he should've.) This could use just a little tweaking, methinks.
And in thought, based on your production notes, I think there may be some tweaking yet to Tom & Sarah at the end. Judging from what you've written, I don't think that Sarah would be that quick in reconciling – this is in regards to the scene where Tom & Sarah are seeing Victor off at the train station.
Great job, Mr. Muhlfelder. read -
A review of Twists Of Fateby Brandon Williford on 10/16/2006An interesting take on the crime genre and one that mostly works for me. Concept/Story - As mentioned, an interesting take on the crime genre. What starts off as something almost stereotypicalish deviates from that course and turns into more of a romance/drama while still retaining it's crime roots in the storylines involving Billy & Danny. Character - Fairly well-rounded... An interesting take on the crime genre and one that mostly works for me.
Concept/Story - As mentioned, an interesting take on the crime genre. What starts off as something almost stereotypicalish deviates from that course and turns into more of a romance/drama while still retaining it's crime roots in the storylines involving Billy & Danny.
Character - Fairly well-rounded for Joey and Lee, though I think they could benefit from a bit more screen time/interaction to help flesh them out as to the "why" of them taking a shine to each other ... and not just from lonley lives. Billy comes in second and could also benefit from a bit more screen time (especially in regards to what Danny sees as Billy's downfalls).
Structure - prety well paced and nicely structured. Smoothly written with the occasionaly grammer/spelling hiccup.
Dialogue - Just above average. While I don't think the dialogue shines, it does it's job pretty well. There are some instances of awkward expositional dialogue.
Notes:
The opening scene - doesn't do anything for the story that you can't place as quick dialogue somewhere later in the script.
The scene with Joey at the cemetary (pages 12-14) - this could be shorter as it slows the pace down and takes longer than it actually needs to get its point made.
page 30 - Magically/convienently appearing rum in the bathroom? And on page 31, it doesn't make sense that in a room full of other items to use that Joey would use his finger as a bit to bite down on.
page 38 - The Doctor seems a bit too "silly/jokey", especially given who he's attending.
Same page, Lee's (o.s.) reads confusingly.
page 55 - change "Ray's history" to "He's history." If Billy's trying to keep it quiet at home, then Tommy should reciprocate with not using a name.
page 60 - "Guinea's" is possessive. I think guineas would be correct, but I'm not positive on that.
page 61 - "That was with one fluid move." This sounds extremely "written" and doesn't work very well.
Final Thoughts - I'm not really sure how I feel about the script overall. It plays with themes (especially that of fate at play), but it doesn't really make a statement about these characters lives outside of that they're entwined in irony. It's a definite consider though, as I think it's something worth persuing simply for the different take that you've given.
I do love the ending and the fact that Lee is the one who had to kill Joey ("her hope"). I think something that might help drive this home when it happens is layering in this theme elsewhere in the story - that this might be one more thing in a line of events that Lee's seen go away. read -
A review of "EPIC!!!"by Brandon Williford on 11/04/2005A fun read with some nice parody moments and a lot of potential for more fun. Structure - Good. Evenly paced with good buildups. Story - Good. Coherent and fluid. Dialogue - Average. Could use a boost with giving the characters a bit of difference in the way they sound. Characters - Average. Could use some deepening to get it to where it's a bit more than just a parody/collage... A fun read with some nice parody moments and a lot of potential for more fun.
Structure - Good. Evenly paced with good buildups.
Story - Good. Coherent and fluid.
Dialogue - Average. Could use a boost with giving the characters a bit of difference in the way they sound.
Characters - Average. Could use some deepening to get it to where it's a bit more than just a parody/collage of homages. (more on that in a bit)
Joke quotient - Pretty decent. I laughed, chuckled, chortled and got most of the references. There are areas where the jokes could be cleaner (as in smoother). Nothing goes on for too long, which is good.
Technical Notes: Dood ... I know it's just a thing with you but good lord man, SPELL CHECK!! Send it to me, I'd be happy to do it for you. :D
I honestly think that this screenplay/story could become more than just a parody of a lot of things and it almost feels like it wants to be more. I mean keep it as a parody, there's not a problem with that (aside from a couple of moments where the parody is too close to the original parody); but maybe open it up in the next draft or two and let it become its own story at the same time.
Now for the specific comments. I think this'll end up pretty detailed, but it's only because I think there's a lot of good to be done with "EPIC!!!".
pg 2 - passed to the Good King by whom?
pg 3 - cut "tossed by a catapult". Break up the action narrative a bit more mid-page (though that can be said about some other areas as well)
pg 4 - Indicate somehow that Colin gets up close enough to get petted.
pg 5 - cut the shot on doorway.
pg 6 - "that is a lost quality" is very hard to put on screen. I'd suggest cutting that.
pg 7 - "you are marrying a Lord who will be King." I'd recommend turning that into a filmic reference as well since it's there. Something like "you are marrying a Lord. A man who would be King."
pg 10 - may want to set up right away that Rosette is Legos' sister with the audience, not just the reader.
pg 21 - Maybe detail the small Village a bit more for fun - such as with the Random vendors: possibly have a male prostitute with a booth where he "flashes his wares".
pg 23 - Possibly rework the Announcer part a bit by having the Announcer start O.S., then show him when Fredo gives his response.
pg 24 - maybe add in after the Announcer gets the dagger in his chest "And an ace up his sleeve."
pg35/36 - Saccharine's comment "When the time comes ... for them" doesn't read right for some reason.
pg 37 - cut Chaos' "I don't know, Sir." Not needed.
pg 43 - Blind Goran. I think the character is funny. I also was reminded *way* too much of the Mark Blanken's "Blinkin" from RH: MIT. I'm not sure how viable (or legal) it is to parody something from a parody so closely.
pg 46 - Gizmo. I kept waiting for a Gremlins joke throughout his appearances, but it never happened.
pg 49 - loved the Karate Kid parody. Might want to think of throwing in some other classic "workout" bits from other movies. There's tons of places throughout that you can parody all sorts of things ... like Lego's all hopped up after training and a horse nearly runs him over "Hey! I'm walkin' here!" and he tries to smack the horse or something with a disasterous result.
pg 51 - A Hilltopper calling a Dwarf "midget" seems out of place.
pg 66 - loved the subtle Star Wars reference with "Arrogant's Empire striking back."
pg 67 - Rider saying condescendingly to Gizmo "I never ... a Dwarf". It's the one joke that I honestly don't think is funny. It comes across as too mean.
pg 69 - managed to reference Monty Python and M. Night Shamalyan in the same scene at the same time. Yay!
pg 70 - Too close to the original lines by William Goldman, so I'd reword it a bit, but keep the intent. And the "Prepare to die!" Push the joke a bit further and have a Snork who doesn't understand common very well think Legos meant a die (as in singular of dice) and pulls one out to show he wants to play or gamble.
pg 78 - After Legos' little rant about "open your mouth ... the bile you spit," have Gizmo give Legos a tug on the arm sleeve, then say the line.
pg 85 - near the bottom, the action narrative for the Army of Knights isn't worded well.
pg 86 - cut "being that he is a ghost". Not needed. And during The Good King's Ghost's monologue, "Some of us together and some of us apart" throw in an action line of some ghosts missing body parts nodding knowingly to each other.
pg 89 - Lord Saccharine continues after himself.
pg 93 - make sure you mention Blind Goran as being there before he leaves with the Good King.
An idea - change the Hagans last name to Hagen. Then go with a running character joke for them liking stage work (named after famed actress/acting instructor Uta Hagen) as well as ice cream.
Overall a fun story. And especially given that it was one of Vel's dares and you wrote it, well, fast. Heh. I'm looking forward to seeing the next draft of this! read -
A review of Monsters Of The Midwayby Brandon Williford on 09/30/2005This will probably end up being the worst review I've ever written, simply because I ended up being floored by a story that would not normally interest me. The pacing was great. The characters could have been stereotyped but ended up as anything but. The nicely constructed dialogue took care of that. I ended up wanting the best for Denver and Laura I'm honestly stumped... This will probably end up being the worst review I've ever written, simply because I ended up being floored by a story that would not normally interest me.
The pacing was great. The characters could have been stereotyped but ended up as anything but. The nicely constructed dialogue took care of that. I ended up wanting the best for Denver and Laura
I'm honestly stumped as to what I can add constructively that would lead you on a path to making this a better product. I can't. I think it's in a condition to be shot.
On second thought, there is something that I can think of - Laura's mom. That's the *one* sterotyped character that comes across as sterotyped. Possibly breathe a little more life into her. I know why the character's there and with the way she's written, she doesn't even really need to be onscreen.
Lovely work. I sincerely hope that something becomes of your work. :) read -
A review of A Beautiful Set-Upby Brandon Williford on 06/02/2005Interesting screenplay! I'll break this review down into several parts. Characters: Interesting and functional (or dysfunctional as the case may be). Each read seperately in identity and stayed consistent for the most part (I'll take about that more later). No perhipheral characters that don't service the story. Dialogue: Pretty good and interesting. Nicely flavored... Interesting screenplay! I'll break this review down into several parts.
Characters: Interesting and functional (or dysfunctional as the case may be). Each read seperately in identity and stayed consistent for the most part (I'll take about that more later). No perhipheral characters that don't service the story.
Dialogue: Pretty good and interesting. Nicely flavored.
Structure: As a whole, the story stands up well. My only question about this regards the use of the flashbacks (or previously happeneds). It didn't distract me and it didn't confuse me ... even when there were flashbacks in the previously happeneds. However, I'm wondering if they are in fact needed. Can this story be told linearly and still tell the same story? Again, it's not that the sp doesn't work as it's constructed right now. I'm just wondering if it has to be done this way.
Story: The first half or so of the sp reads more like a darker comedy/crime caper than how the second half reads, which is much more serious and this comes across in how I read the sp: it feels like the sp is two different movies in one. Together, they don't mesh. The sp starts of with narrative description that harkens to a lighter kind of film ... and at times I was even reminded of the way A FISH CALLED WANDA felt. There are definitely some nice echoes of it in the sp that recall that kind of humor about the characters. This meshing does do some character "damage" near the end, which brings me to my comment about character consistency. Victoria and Ivy stayed the same throughout. Bart and Jonathan almost seem to trade characters. Bart does/says things that I didn't expect from what was previously set up and Jonathan the same. And it really caused a confusion in me about how I was supposed to feel about the characters. Based on what went on before, I couldn't see Jonathan behaving like that at the end, no matter how desperate he was. Which leads me to my next question. Why? Why does Jonathan go to such extremes as to kidnap a Senator just to get him to pull his daughter out of a particular school so that his own daughter can get in? The logic behind this requires a very large step to get past. I'm sure that there are other schools out there, just as good, that would allow her to surpass her father's expectations.
Technical notes: pg 19 - you have "the action repeats as before." I'd recommend just wrtiting it out entirely.
some minor spelling errors throughout the sp that can be caught with a visual proofing.
pg 29 - Ivy has two speaking lines in a row in the middle section. It seems like someone else's dialogue may be missing from in between them.
pg 44 - "I'm on CNN here and again." Should either be "here and there" or "now and again."
pg 45 - "Bonnie, forgive me." Sounded like a very strange thing to say until I found out later in the sp that the senator's wife had passed away. Perhaps set that up a bit better for the audience? As it is now, it just totally made him sound like a cad. It also made me question if the senator would have a rendezvous at his own home with his daughter home. If the information that he was a widower was given earlier and I missed it, my apologies. I honestly don't recall reading anything about that though.
pg 100 - this is the most evident area to me that shows Bart and Jonathan switched personalities, given their behaviours earlier.
pg 103 - "I'm strong enough now to do what needs doing." This line feels wrong. He should've been able to find that strength before embarking on this kidnapping.
pg 105 - very unclear, but it seems that the senator shot the man who was actually helping him leave. Yes, Bart may have been part of the kidnapping team, but his reversal at the end doesn't call for being shot. If this is indeed what happened.
pg 106 - the last scene. Is it really needed? We know what happened to Jonathan, so we know how his daughter will feel.
I did enjoy A BEAUTIFUL SET-UP. I also feel that it needs to find a sharper focus in that it's either a lighter comedic caper with hardcore people involved (which all the characters are ... and each in their own way. Difference of societal perspectives are always nice for conflict!) ... or play it more seriously. I think either way would make a good screenplay ... it depends on what it is that your looking for. read -
A review of Hell On Wheelsby Brandon Williford on 05/08/2005An interesting story using an everyman as the protagonist. Characters - The three "main" characters (Joe, Terese and Ram) are fairly interesting. Joe's the most rounded in terms of character depth and I think that Terese & Ram could use a little bit more fleshng out ... especially Terese in regards to why she's doing what she's doing at the beginning of the story versus her... An interesting story using an everyman as the protagonist.
Characters - The three "main" characters (Joe, Terese and Ram) are fairly interesting. Joe's the most rounded in terms of character depth and I think that Terese & Ram could use a little bit more fleshng out ... especially Terese in regards to why she's doing what she's doing at the beginning of the story versus her decisions at the end. Chariyaka is a bit too stereotyped and could use some rounding out. Yes, he's a terrorist, but he doesn't see himself as one. Eddie and the boys are very stereotypical.
Story/Structure - Flows fairly well, with some rough spots though ... and those rough spots are more the area where what happens seems contrived versus flowing naturally from the story. Eddie and the boys are my main example. Everything about them seems contrived for the sake of giving Joe obstacles to overcome. They could probably be merged into the story better. I can't give an example how as this is your story and you'll know best how to do something like that.
Dialogue - a bit stiiff at times, with a couple of sections that seem preachy ... namely Joe's speech on page 81. The conversation with Terese during that scene should run as a nice counterpoint to Chariyaka's on pages 18-20. Otherwise, the dialogue flows fairly well.
Format - About half of the characters are introduced in all caps and the other half aren't. Pg 90 - a typo: "Eddie's and his goons" should just be "Eddie and his goons." There is also a format boo boo on the bottom of page 85 - action has been formatted as character and dialogue.
Additional Notes/Comments:
Joe seems to be very open with Ram, a mysterious stranger he just met.
pg. 22 - a lot of dialogue for what's being talked about. While realistic, it does slow the pace.
The conversation between Joe & Terese on pgs 79-82 seems very preachy and out of place.
How does Eddie & company get ahead of Joe?
pg 89 - it seems to me that even with a 20grand payoff, Joe doesn't seem to think what's been going on is a little extreme in terms of behaviour.
pg 92 - the short scene in Shaddock's office is not needed.
I'm not sure the U.S. Government would ionform the general public that there's a truck on the run carrying a nuclear bomb, even post-9/11.
I wish you luck with your sp!! read -
A review of Keepers of the Faithby Brandon Williford on 04/14/2005A well constructed SP in the vein of Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Mummy, and any Alan Quartermain flick. Non-stop, cinematic fun. The dialogue is fairly good, falling into cliches once too often. The characters as well are fairly one-dimensional but not so that it ruined the story for me. Reminded me of what characters were like in films such as this produced back in the... A well constructed SP in the vein of Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Mummy, and any Alan Quartermain flick. Non-stop, cinematic fun.
The dialogue is fairly good, falling into cliches once too often. The characters as well are fairly one-dimensional but not so that it ruined the story for me. Reminded me of what characters were like in films such as this produced back in the timeframe this takes place.
Specific notes:
pg 44 - did German soldiers use things like "6 O'clock" in their vernacular?
pg. 83 - how does Miles know that once he puts them in, he can't get them out?
Technical notes: Spell check. Not enough to distract from reading, but there are some grammatical typos that spell check wouldn't catch.
As well, there are some instances where a brief bit of narrative would be better than the dialogue, such as on pg. 44 - instead of saying "You're doing wonders for my confidence," it could be a roll of his eyes says it all kind of thing. Same thing at the bottom of the page where instead of Yvette saying "Nope. Your aim is just as it was," a pointed look can say the same thing. Nothing big, possibly just my style over yours, but it leaves a bit more diversity for the actor to convey the same thing.
i've been lucky in that this is the 5th SP I've read in a row that had really nice construction. I think it would make a fun popcorn movie for an older family. Nice job! read
Comments About Brandon Williford 18
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velrevised on 10/25/2012
Where the heck have you been?! -
vanfilm09 on 10/16/2009
That's what I need to do this weekend cuddle up under the duvet and have a Serenity marathon. Thanks for the inspiration. -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 06/01/2009
Comment deleted by Brandon Williford -
micmacmoviemaker on 05/12/2009
Hi Brandon,
Thanks for kind words! Are you stalking my Triggerpage? ;)
What's the word on "Waste of Space?"
Peter -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 05/07/2009
How's the fencepole? Are you itching to come down yet? lol -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 04/29/2009
George Sand kindly requests your company at the following extravaganza.
http://bulletin.triggerstreet.com/viewtopic.php?p=662576#662576
___ accepts
___ regrets
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GameArs on 10/05/2008
Brandon Williford wrote:Maybe I'll push myself this next two weeks while the family is away and try and accomplish something creative on paper!
Go for it. Even if you just write a short, you've completed something. All the best! -
GameArs on 10/05/2008
Hi there! What's new? -
GameArs on 09/10/2008
Where you hidin'? -
micmacmoviemaker on 12/16/2007
Brandon Williford wrote:When I said have 5 scripts up by Friday, I didn't mean get an SoM. o_o
Show off ...
I thought that might be sufficient.
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Comments About Brandon Williford 18
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Where the heck have you been?!
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That's what I need to do this weekend cuddle up under the duvet and have a Serenity marathon. Thanks for the inspiration.
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Comment deleted by Brandon Williford
+ more commentsvelrevised on 10/25/2012
vanfilm09 on 10/16/2009
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 06/01/2009