a screenplay
by Braxcugs
A teenage cupid goes on his first mission ahead of time only to find hell on Earth.
Braxcugs
member since 11/28/2004 |
last login 01/20/2013
My name is Brando. Married with three children. I am happy to reply to any e-mails regarding reviews....
Bio
My name is Brando. Married with three children. I am happy to reply to any e-mails regarding reviews.
Submissions by Braxcugs
Reviews by Braxcugs 107
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A review of Mr Hamilton's Bookshopby Braxcugs on 08/08/2011FADE IN is on the wrong side of the page. Not a problem. Let's get on with the story. Again from page one: “EXT. STREET - DAY An ambulance races to their rescue.” Maybe I missed something, but all I can see from the description of the scene is an ambulance racing down a street (having changed scene it's not the same street). Leave it to the imagination of the reader that... FADE IN is on the wrong side of the page. Not a problem. Let's get on with the story.
Again from page one:
“EXT. STREET - DAY
An ambulance races to their rescue.”
Maybe I missed something, but all I can see from the description of the scene is an ambulance racing down a street (having changed scene it's not the same street). Leave it to the imagination of the reader that it's heading “to their rescue”.
Always from page one:
“...exhausted by the weeks of worry over her son…”
I guess the author has (already – we are only at page one) an issue with unfilmables. The rule is simple: a script is made of action and dialogues. In this scene we have a worried mother sitting across the room in front of a policeman. That's it. Nothing more and nothing less.
Weeks of worry have passed by? You can use a super: “After weeks of worry” or a narrator. Let this info (if important)come out of a dialogue. Or else: leave to the immagination of the reader that weeks of worry have passed by.
Page 3: “In the distance, SIRENS WAIL...” (why sirens in all caps?) Always from page 3: ALFIE and SOPHIE ASHE are in all caps for the second time. Also BRENDAN pg. 8. Again WILL pg.26.
I guess the author is missing some of the basics in screenwriting. Introducing characters for the second time (this is what happens when they are again in all caps) is confusing and a waist of time (for the reader).
On pg. 6 we have underlined words. Again pg. 9...11...12... On page pg. 16 we switch to bold letters. The author seems not to have a clue of proper screenplay formatting. Maybe he should have read a book on this topic (or made some reaserch on the net) before writing a screenplay.
Pg. 7 “Only Sophie hears the DOORBELL ring downstairs.” Sorry but on screen this doesn't make sense. There is a “doorbell RING” and how are we supposed to know that only Sophie hears it? She's the only one to turn her head? She's talking and suddenly stops? She asks if someone else heard the doorbell RING?
Pg. 13 – Sorry but the dialogue seems everything but a conversation between teenagers. They all sound alike, no distinct voice. Dialogue is everything but credible.
Pg. 23 “He continues browsing. On closer inspection, there are
shelf-talkers which indicate how the books are arranged,
but these are not the usual bookshop categories (Fiction,
History etc) but more esoteric, imaginative ones: Great
Journeys, Magical Discoveries, Lovable Eccentrics. Within
each section is a range of types of book: novels, poetry,
recipe books...”
This would sound perfect in a novel but it is just not visual for a screenplay. Have no idea how a camera could pan the way the author described the scene.
“Alfie PAUSES by a section labelled The Rise of Evil. From
here he TEASES OUT A SMALL HARDBACK called The Reluctant
Hero, a World War II novel.”
Is “a World War II” part of the title? If not it's an unfilmable for the umpteenth time.
BTW I give up making comments on formatting, unfilambles, etc. My best guess is that this story was at first a novel. Too bad the author didn't take the time to learn the basics of screenwriting before uploading his script.
Slugs: please avoid all these “LATER”, “DAWN”, “EVENING”, “FADE to whatever”, “SAME TIME (?)” etc. Please use only Day or Night.
pg 27 “Sophie says goodbye to Carol and closed the door. Now only
she, Will, Brendan and Alfie remain.”
Maybe “closed” should be “closes”.
pg. 34 “Alfie looks haunted and exhausted. He’s been reading all
night and has been spooked by the tale of the monk.”
I know I promised not to make comments on unfilmables, but this is too much. We take a look at an exhausted main chacter and know what he did all night? In a script?
pg. 39 “Sophie sits down opposite him. Alfie thinks about moving -
then decides he can’t be bothered.”
Same as before. People in scripts just don't think. It's action and dialogues. Only action and dialogues. Please.
Pg. 41 “Frank didn’t know Alfie knew about this...”
We have a character that doesn't know what another character knows..??!!??(Sorry but this goes straight in the Guiness Book of Records of poor screenwriting).
We have passed page 50 and nothing has really happened, except lots of dialogue. No antagonist, no act breaks. Maybe this could be a good novel, maybe it could work as a play. A screenplay should catch the reader's attention in the first 10 pages.
The rules of the game in a script: they should all be revealed in the beginning. On page 75 we continue to receive new rules, often in contradiction with previous ones. This is really confusing.
Finished.
Only a few considerations on the story:
The whole thing of disappearing (airbrushed) doesn't make sense to me. Again the rules are not clear.
Alfie disappears and his mother doesn't come to help reaserch? Three teenagers disappear (and at the end we learn many others before) and the police don't make any reaserch in the bookshop?
Most of all the plot of the car crash doesn't make much sense. The father goes in jail for a crash and he wasn't even driving??? The band plays at night, the guitar player leaves together with Frank and Tom and nobody notices? He gets out of a car crash with one dead (and the other badly injured) without a scratch to connect him to the car crash??? Sorry but this goes way beyond a normal suspension of disbelief.
Sorry to be so negative, but I really believe the author should go back to square one with this script. First of all learn the basics of screenwriting (as proper formatting). It is important to understand that a screenplay is action and dialogue.
Characters should have proper arcs and distinct voices.
Thanks for the read and best of luck with your rewrites. read -
A review of What Happened To Billy's Balls?by Braxcugs on 04/20/2011Great title and excellent logline. Few pages into the script and the reader finds out what happened to Billy’s balls. The story goes on with present-day Billy, victim of abuses. His classmates scorn him. His sister makes fun of him. Billy decides it’s enough. But his plan fails miserably. Things in the story begin to change when Ronald, his friend, decides to change Billy’s... Great title and excellent logline.
Few pages into the script and the reader finds out what happened to Billy’s balls.
The story goes on with present-day Billy, victim of abuses. His classmates scorn him. His sister makes fun of him. Billy decides it’s enough. But his plan fails miserably.
Things in the story begin to change when Ronald, his friend, decides to change Billy’s “manhood”. Here, in my modest opinion, is one problem with the script: Billy passivity. Billy is clearly the main character but does not take his future in his own hands. He is somehow dragged into changes by his friend (and his Manhood lessons) and other events.
The character arc of Billy is very strong but somehow, IMHO, not very linear. Until page 84 he is passive. When he again decides he has had enough, he finds that his brother has anticipated him. This shock event makes him change.
The characters are very well depicted and interesting. The only one character that made me scratch my head is the mom. Some very nasty dialogues between Billy and Veronica take place in mom’s presence. IMO they are just too nasty for a Mom to bear (unless you make the Mom character even more absurd).
Thanks for the read and best of luck with your script. read -
A review of The Boys are Backby Braxcugs on 01/30/2011Sorry that this review will be so brief, but there's not so much I can say or add to this script. I really liked it and had a great time reading it. Certainly one of the best scripts I have ever read here on TS. My only one concern is the originality of it's concept. The idea of a band the reunites sounds a bit deja-vu. Maybe because I liked so much “Musics and Lyrics” that... Sorry that this review will be so brief, but there's not so much I can say or add to this script. I really liked it and had a great time reading it. Certainly one of the best scripts I have ever read here on TS.
My only one concern is the originality of it's concept. The idea of a band the reunites sounds a bit deja-vu. Maybe because I liked so much “Musics and Lyrics” that I ended up seeing three times. But the same theme is the concept of “Still Crazy”.
The dialogues are really excellent. Structure is more than OK. Great great characters, each one with a distinct voice.
The one scene I loved the most is the fight between Johnny and Butch Girl. Great!
The one single point that I found a bit weak is the Janet/Davey theme of her first telling in the commercial that Davey was mentally ill. Maybe, before the commercial, she could say something (not intentionally) to the press. Only when his “illness” becomes of public domain she would have to stick to her lie and make the commercial.
Maybe when Benny has to get rid of the pills he could stick some in Davey's mouth, thus making him behave “mentally ill” with the police just as his wife had declared.
Just a few typos:
Pg. 36 Some action ended up in a dialogue:
DAVEY
These guys...um… To everyone's
surprise, Janet gravitates towards
Benny, seemingly drawn to him,
compelled by an unknown force. She
starts touching his face, playing
with it like it's a ball of dough
until...
Pg 46 Davey raises his hand, no on cares.
Pg 66 SAL (CONT'D)
I don't know who you posers are, but
Y(y)ou've lost the magic that made you
great in the first place. If you go
to the media, sure they'll put you
on as a joke. That's it. y(Y)ou'll be
a big joke for everyone to laugh at. read
Write a Comment
Submissions by Braxcugs
-
a screenplay by BraxcugsA teenage cupid goes on his first mission ahead of time only to find hell on Earth.
Reviews by Braxcugs 107
-
A review of Mr Hamilton's Bookshopby Braxcugs on 08/08/2011FADE IN is on the wrong side of the page. Not a problem. Let's get on with the story. Again from page one: “EXT. STREET - DAY An ambulance races to their rescue.” Maybe I missed something, but all I can see from the description of the scene is an ambulance racing down a street (having changed scene it's not the same street). Leave it to the imagination of the reader that... FADE IN is on the wrong side of the page. Not a problem. Let's get on with the story.
Again from page one:
“EXT. STREET - DAY
An ambulance races to their rescue.”
Maybe I missed something, but all I can see from the description of the scene is an ambulance racing down a street (having changed scene it's not the same street). Leave it to the imagination of the reader that it's heading “to their rescue”.
Always from page one:
“...exhausted by the weeks of worry over her son…”
I guess the author has (already – we are only at page one) an issue with unfilmables. The rule is simple: a script is made of action and dialogues. In this scene we have a worried mother sitting across the room in front of a policeman. That's it. Nothing more and nothing less.
Weeks of worry have passed by? You can use a super: “After weeks of worry” or a narrator. Let this info (if important)come out of a dialogue. Or else: leave to the immagination of the reader that weeks of worry have passed by.
Page 3: “In the distance, SIRENS WAIL...” (why sirens in all caps?) Always from page 3: ALFIE and SOPHIE ASHE are in all caps for the second time. Also BRENDAN pg. 8. Again WILL pg.26.
I guess the author is missing some of the basics in screenwriting. Introducing characters for the second time (this is what happens when they are again in all caps) is confusing and a waist of time (for the reader).
On pg. 6 we have underlined words. Again pg. 9...11...12... On page pg. 16 we switch to bold letters. The author seems not to have a clue of proper screenplay formatting. Maybe he should have read a book on this topic (or made some reaserch on the net) before writing a screenplay.
Pg. 7 “Only Sophie hears the DOORBELL ring downstairs.” Sorry but on screen this doesn't make sense. There is a “doorbell RING” and how are we supposed to know that only Sophie hears it? She's the only one to turn her head? She's talking and suddenly stops? She asks if someone else heard the doorbell RING?
Pg. 13 – Sorry but the dialogue seems everything but a conversation between teenagers. They all sound alike, no distinct voice. Dialogue is everything but credible.
Pg. 23 “He continues browsing. On closer inspection, there are
shelf-talkers which indicate how the books are arranged,
but these are not the usual bookshop categories (Fiction,
History etc) but more esoteric, imaginative ones: Great
Journeys, Magical Discoveries, Lovable Eccentrics. Within
each section is a range of types of book: novels, poetry,
recipe books...”
This would sound perfect in a novel but it is just not visual for a screenplay. Have no idea how a camera could pan the way the author described the scene.
“Alfie PAUSES by a section labelled The Rise of Evil. From
here he TEASES OUT A SMALL HARDBACK called The Reluctant
Hero, a World War II novel.”
Is “a World War II” part of the title? If not it's an unfilmable for the umpteenth time.
BTW I give up making comments on formatting, unfilambles, etc. My best guess is that this story was at first a novel. Too bad the author didn't take the time to learn the basics of screenwriting before uploading his script.
Slugs: please avoid all these “LATER”, “DAWN”, “EVENING”, “FADE to whatever”, “SAME TIME (?)” etc. Please use only Day or Night.
pg 27 “Sophie says goodbye to Carol and closed the door. Now only
she, Will, Brendan and Alfie remain.”
Maybe “closed” should be “closes”.
pg. 34 “Alfie looks haunted and exhausted. He’s been reading all
night and has been spooked by the tale of the monk.”
I know I promised not to make comments on unfilmables, but this is too much. We take a look at an exhausted main chacter and know what he did all night? In a script?
pg. 39 “Sophie sits down opposite him. Alfie thinks about moving -
then decides he can’t be bothered.”
Same as before. People in scripts just don't think. It's action and dialogues. Only action and dialogues. Please.
Pg. 41 “Frank didn’t know Alfie knew about this...”
We have a character that doesn't know what another character knows..??!!??(Sorry but this goes straight in the Guiness Book of Records of poor screenwriting).
We have passed page 50 and nothing has really happened, except lots of dialogue. No antagonist, no act breaks. Maybe this could be a good novel, maybe it could work as a play. A screenplay should catch the reader's attention in the first 10 pages.
The rules of the game in a script: they should all be revealed in the beginning. On page 75 we continue to receive new rules, often in contradiction with previous ones. This is really confusing.
Finished.
Only a few considerations on the story:
The whole thing of disappearing (airbrushed) doesn't make sense to me. Again the rules are not clear.
Alfie disappears and his mother doesn't come to help reaserch? Three teenagers disappear (and at the end we learn many others before) and the police don't make any reaserch in the bookshop?
Most of all the plot of the car crash doesn't make much sense. The father goes in jail for a crash and he wasn't even driving??? The band plays at night, the guitar player leaves together with Frank and Tom and nobody notices? He gets out of a car crash with one dead (and the other badly injured) without a scratch to connect him to the car crash??? Sorry but this goes way beyond a normal suspension of disbelief.
Sorry to be so negative, but I really believe the author should go back to square one with this script. First of all learn the basics of screenwriting (as proper formatting). It is important to understand that a screenplay is action and dialogue.
Characters should have proper arcs and distinct voices.
Thanks for the read and best of luck with your rewrites. read -
A review of What Happened To Billy's Balls?by Braxcugs on 04/20/2011Great title and excellent logline. Few pages into the script and the reader finds out what happened to Billy’s balls. The story goes on with present-day Billy, victim of abuses. His classmates scorn him. His sister makes fun of him. Billy decides it’s enough. But his plan fails miserably. Things in the story begin to change when Ronald, his friend, decides to change Billy’s... Great title and excellent logline.
Few pages into the script and the reader finds out what happened to Billy’s balls.
The story goes on with present-day Billy, victim of abuses. His classmates scorn him. His sister makes fun of him. Billy decides it’s enough. But his plan fails miserably.
Things in the story begin to change when Ronald, his friend, decides to change Billy’s “manhood”. Here, in my modest opinion, is one problem with the script: Billy passivity. Billy is clearly the main character but does not take his future in his own hands. He is somehow dragged into changes by his friend (and his Manhood lessons) and other events.
The character arc of Billy is very strong but somehow, IMHO, not very linear. Until page 84 he is passive. When he again decides he has had enough, he finds that his brother has anticipated him. This shock event makes him change.
The characters are very well depicted and interesting. The only one character that made me scratch my head is the mom. Some very nasty dialogues between Billy and Veronica take place in mom’s presence. IMO they are just too nasty for a Mom to bear (unless you make the Mom character even more absurd).
Thanks for the read and best of luck with your script. read -
A review of The Boys are Backby Braxcugs on 01/30/2011Sorry that this review will be so brief, but there's not so much I can say or add to this script. I really liked it and had a great time reading it. Certainly one of the best scripts I have ever read here on TS. My only one concern is the originality of it's concept. The idea of a band the reunites sounds a bit deja-vu. Maybe because I liked so much “Musics and Lyrics” that... Sorry that this review will be so brief, but there's not so much I can say or add to this script. I really liked it and had a great time reading it. Certainly one of the best scripts I have ever read here on TS.
My only one concern is the originality of it's concept. The idea of a band the reunites sounds a bit deja-vu. Maybe because I liked so much “Musics and Lyrics” that I ended up seeing three times. But the same theme is the concept of “Still Crazy”.
The dialogues are really excellent. Structure is more than OK. Great great characters, each one with a distinct voice.
The one scene I loved the most is the fight between Johnny and Butch Girl. Great!
The one single point that I found a bit weak is the Janet/Davey theme of her first telling in the commercial that Davey was mentally ill. Maybe, before the commercial, she could say something (not intentionally) to the press. Only when his “illness” becomes of public domain she would have to stick to her lie and make the commercial.
Maybe when Benny has to get rid of the pills he could stick some in Davey's mouth, thus making him behave “mentally ill” with the police just as his wife had declared.
Just a few typos:
Pg. 36 Some action ended up in a dialogue:
DAVEY
These guys...um… To everyone's
surprise, Janet gravitates towards
Benny, seemingly drawn to him,
compelled by an unknown force. She
starts touching his face, playing
with it like it's a ball of dough
until...
Pg 46 Davey raises his hand, no on cares.
Pg 66 SAL (CONT'D)
I don't know who you posers are, but
Y(y)ou've lost the magic that made you
great in the first place. If you go
to the media, sure they'll put you
on as a joke. That's it. y(Y)ou'll be
a big joke for everyone to laugh at. read -
A review of In Human Formby Braxcugs on 01/08/2011In Human Form is a screenplay inspired by Tolstoy's “The Candle” and maybe this is the main problem: putting a novel into a screenplay. I believe that to transpose a novel into a screenplay must be a pretty hard job unless the novel somehow has a structure that can be easily adapted to a screeplay. Maybe “The Candle” didn't and this, IMHO, came out pretty much clearly in this... In Human Form is a screenplay inspired by Tolstoy's “The Candle” and maybe this is the main problem: putting a novel into a screenplay. I believe that to transpose a novel into a screenplay must be a pretty hard job unless the novel somehow has a structure that can be easily adapted to a screeplay. Maybe “The Candle” didn't and this, IMHO, came out pretty much clearly in this script.
I found most of the “beats” missing: a strong catalyst and strong act breaks above all. The action (mostly manslaughter) goes on from the beginning until (what appears to be) “Grigori” first appears on scene pg. 48. The fact that Grigori is actually first introduced earlier doesn't change things as he has no part in the plot until he appears “on scene”. Manslaughter again goes on until pg. 74. IMHO these are just too many pages of continous muder that ends up making the plot (mostly the non-revolt of the Serfs) not that much credible.
An excellent job has been done with the characters giving each an unique voice. As an example Aleksei, even though had a minor role, was nonetheless a character with a strong, unique voice.
The dialogue are OK.
The desciptions we also well done. I only found that the beginning lacked in giving what period of year the action took place (unless I missed it). Maybe it was in first autumn.
In summary a very well written script with a weak structure (always in my opinio).
Thanks for the read. read -
A review of The Humane Facadeby Braxcugs on 12/01/2010Thanks Sally for the interesting read. I liked the theme and found the characters credible and interesting. I believe you put lots of work and time on your script. You have to spend some time to fix a couple of things IMHO: - Characters are always all in CAPS (should be only the first time they appear). - Sluglines are frequently repeated or not used correctly. Repeated:... Thanks Sally for the interesting read. I liked the theme and found the characters credible and interesting. I believe you put lots of work and time on your script.
You have to spend some time to fix a couple of things IMHO:
- Characters are always all in CAPS (should be only the first time they appear).
- Sluglines are frequently repeated or not used correctly. Repeated: see pages 31-32-33-34 as an example. If the action takes place in the same location and in the same day/night you should stick to one slugline only. Perhaps you can put a “Later” (just to help the reader) in the actions are not consecutive. Confusing (a couple of examples): pag 25-27 INT. - VAN – EVENING... action begins (maybe) inside the van and but goes on outside the van. Pag 108 INT. - SHEPHARD HALLWAY – MORNING MILDRED walks to the hall closet, and takes a rather large box down from a shelf. INT. - “BOX” – MORNING The box holds many of the.... pg 111 EXT. - “SHEN’S PALM” - MORNING Close up of SHEN’s hand... BTW part of page 111 is repeated on pg 112 and the (V.O.) of Samantha is not correct (maybe it could be a O.S.) always if the character is outside of the screen while it talks.
- Try to avoid passives and 'ings. Example pg. 4: A foot is seen kicking frantically against a door. Maybe it should be: A foot frantically kicks...
- Avoid camera directions if possible. Example: Camera pans up and shows two hands trying the doorknob, then pounding against the door itself. ZENG SHEN PI, a young man in his late 20’s, is trying to get inside.
- Be carefull not to make characters “think” or “feel”. Example: pg 47 SAMANTHA is unsure of what to do. Pg 97 - SHEN reaches for his prayer beads, and remembers they are gone.
Now these things can be easily fixed.
IMHO there is one problem and it's not an easy task to fix. Mildred and Jason don't care for Samantha through all of the script (the reasons for this are pretty obvious and credible). But the way Samantha behaves, talks and never wants any help at all makes the reader (at least this is true for myself) not care for this character. Somehow the reader must care for Samantha and for her future for the script to work properly. The fact that Shen cares for Samantha doesn't help (he cares for her mainly to expiate Ling's death).
on Pg 67 BOY is in dialogue (Shen's dream) but is not introduced before the dialogue. Is it a young Shen?
The script you wrote is not easy as it's not based on an "action" theme. It is very hard to write a scrpt mainly based on characters so you did an excellent job.
Thanks again for the read and best of luck with your script. read -
A review of My Brothers Keeper (v.4)by Braxcugs on 09/14/2007I liked the story and the concept of how two Irish men end up in the midst of the Spanish civil war. The beginning grabs the reader and the author did a good job dealing with all the backstory. The characters are pretty much well built. I liked Michael, Jack, Pedro and Sofia more than others. Sean, on the other hand, comes out a bit unreal once he becomes a leader in Spain... I liked the story and the concept of how two Irish men end up in the midst of the Spanish civil war. The beginning grabs the reader and the author did a good job dealing with all the backstory.
The characters are pretty much well built. I liked Michael, Jack, Pedro and Sofia more than others. Sean, on the other hand, comes out a bit unreal once he becomes a leader in Spain. Maybe this character should be worked better. There is, IMHO, an excess of minor characters that, at least in part, could be avoided. As an example you have three different Generals and a Lieutenant that could probably be one character.
There are many scenes that I liked. You do a good job describing the Mothers of Michael (and Sean) and of Sofia. The way they suffer for their sons is portrayed in an excellent way.
On the other hand, I found some scenes not that much credible:
1) the scene of the ambush in the church. In seems odd that a priest (archbishop) would give the permission to hold an ambush inside a church. Even more incredible that armed men (disguised as priests) would be inside the church. For all they know the opposing party could have placed a bomb in the attempt of killing Franco. They sacrificed a person (the one that looked liked Franco) but, must of all, Sean (with a wounded comrade) gets out of the church scot free. It is, IMHO, a bit too much.
2) The attach at Jarama is a bit without logic to me. Garcia, Franco etc. know there is a spy (scene with Lieutenant) but they use this knowledge to prepare the ambush in the church but not in their attempts to reach Madrid. I would have expected that during the scene at Jarama, Deveraux and Sofia would find out that the attack was actually taking place somewhere else. Strategically it would have been of much greater importance. TW the attack doesn’t turn into a disaster only because the bridge doesn’t collapse.
3) The bombing on pg. 45. I doubt that divebombers could actually bomb in the night and machine gun fire at the same time. The scene is a bit confusing to me.
4) Garcia helps Sofia after he find out she is a spy??
I liked the dialogues on pg. 55/56 and the ending.
Notes:
Pg. 10 – There’s an extra Sean (Michael nudges Sean. Sean)
Pg 61 - out of their foxhole
Thanks for this read and good luck with this script. read -
A review of IMAGINARY FRIENDSby Braxcugs on 06/09/2007Imaginary friends is a child fantasy in which Luke, an eleven year old, ends up in a fantasy world together with his newly met three “imaginary friends”. His adventure helps him, in a well described character arc, get out of his fantasy existence. The opening and closing baseball scenes clearly show this change. This script is the second I read from this author and this also... Imaginary friends is a child fantasy in which Luke, an eleven year old, ends up in a fantasy world together with his newly met three “imaginary friends”. His adventure helps him, in a well described character arc, get out of his fantasy existence. The opening and closing baseball scenes clearly show this change.
This script is the second I read from this author and this also was a very pleasant and interesting read. You have some great characters and a very strong structure. I did find the beginning a bit slow (and the main character excessively passive especially when he first enters the imaginary world) as it took me a bit too much to really get involved in this script.
There are only two things that I, in my honest opinion, really believe you should work on:
- this script is filled with unfilmables. From the beginning we find lines as: “He knows” (pg. 5) – “Maybe it won’t notice him” (Pg. 7) – “He looks back to make sure the furnace hasn’t followed him” (Pg. 7) …………… to the end …………..“For the first time ever, the sun…” (Pg. 99) – “Luke’s face shows that he knows that…” (Pg. 102). I believe the author should have trusted more the readers as it is a golden rule to leave the story speak for itself through action and dialogues;
- once Luke and his friends were in the “imaginary world” I often asked myself if it was just a fantasy of Luke or if the adventure was for real. Most probably it was a choice of the author to leave this “doubt” in the reader. Thing is, the stakes for Luke (and for the story) would clearly be higher if his adventure was for real as there would be no return if they failed. I wondered, if things turned out wrong, if Luke would just wake up from his daydream at home, safe and sound. Another question I had was if Luke’s parents were looking for him while he was gone.
Good luck. read -
A review of Hazards of Wind and Waterby Braxcugs on 08/04/2006Even though this script is certainly well written there should be, IMHO, more heart. By "heart" I mean more "story". As it is I had the feeling that this is a well written script, nothing more. I believe this story has two major problems, both in its beginning. First of all this script misses a "normality". The story begins as a James Bond film, straight in action. The only... Even though this script is certainly well written there should be, IMHO, more heart. By "heart" I mean more "story". As it is I had the feeling that this is a well written script, nothing more.
I believe this story has two major problems, both in its beginning.
First of all this script misses a "normality". The story begins as a James Bond film, straight in action. The only difference is that we know who James Bond is. Daten, the main character, is introduced through action and the inciting incident is almost immediate. What is his normality? Why does he do what he does? How does his normal life differ from this script?
The inciting incident, lacking a "normality", is therefore weak. We don't know who Daten really is and I found it very hard to root for him. The author tried to connect the present with the past, as in pg. 37 to 39, but the result is a weak exposition.
The characters, on a whole, are a bit weak. I only really appreciated Morda. Lahlit a being a Chinese agent comes totally out of the blue.
I totally miss the Genaro family friendship with Daten. OK, he saved their life. But soon after, because of him, Genaro has to risk his (and his family's) life and become a killer. It really doesn't make any sense. Pg. 100 : "We owe you, pal."? Come on.
AD LIB repeated 11 times? A bit too many?
On pg. 27 Morda is present even if never mentioned.
Pg. 70 - Carador should be all caps
Pg. 76 Gantol should be all caps read -
A review of Notes in Timeby Braxcugs on 07/16/2006This is a very moving and original script. I liked the concept and I believe that it could turn out into a good script. Problem is that most of the basics of screenwriting are totally missing. The author should have passed a bit more time studying screenwriting (maybe also reading and reviewing scripts on TS would have helped) before uploading this script. It is very hard to... This is a very moving and original script. I liked the concept and I believe that it could turn out into a good script.
Problem is that most of the basics of screenwriting are totally missing. The author should have passed a bit more time studying screenwriting (maybe also reading and reviewing scripts on TS would have helped) before uploading this script. It is very hard to read through this script even though I liked the concept.
Here are some of the main problems:
1) Headscenes - the author passes from one scene to the other often without changing headscenes and this is terribly confusing. Pg. 31 as example: Micheal is in the living room, crawls into the piano and should end up in:
EXT. - HILLSIDE - DAY
He puts his head through the portal and should appear in:
INT - LIVINGROOM - DAY
A moment after he should be in:
EXT. - HILLSIDE - DAY
Again he should go back in:
INT - LIVINGROOM - DAY
All this is missing on pg. 31 and in many other scenes.
2) Unfilmables - this script is totally flawed with unfilmables. This is simply terrible. This script is filled with people that think, people that remember, people that recognize, people that "start to realize" descriptions with: "against his better judgement" he joins in, "things that people dread because the teacher is overbearing", "Peter is a software development manager", "Physics is Michael's favourite subject", "Sophie has just helped Peter move" etc. etc. In a script people don't think, people don't remember, and we can't see in their past just looking at the characters, etc. There are ONLY DIALOGUE AND ACTION. You have to get this really straight before you can write a script.
3) Dialogues in descriptions: you have people that try to explain, say goodbye, exchange a few words, all this without having proper dialogues but just describing them. Dialogues can't be described, they must be in dialogues unless the characters they are so far away that we see them speak but can't hear what they say.
4) "A year earlier" or "sixteen years earlier" ore "next day" can't be written in headscenes but should be a super or, more properly, the whole scene should be a flashback or should be omitted completely.
Peter and Sophie decide to get married after the first kiss?
State it at the beginning of the script that it takes place in London.
You should work on the language part. When they pass through the portal you should have Michael etc. speak directly with the natives in English. It is a fantasy so it's useless to try to give it a logic. As it is it's a mess because Michael can't communicate properly the first lines and suddenly he can communicate (he says goodbye to the girl at the pyramids) or he talks with Artemis that talks initially in Latin/Italian (why Italian?). You should be a bit more precise in your historical description: pg. 56 -there are no café in ancient Pompeii just as there are no "drinks" (state it if it's water or wine/honey etc.).
You should work much more on the dialogues. Take a look at the dialogue on pg. 34 (Mr. Brown speaking). You just can't have a character speak for more that half a page saying things that have no real importance to the script.
Sorry if I am a bit harsh, but you have a good concept and it's sad to be a script that is so flawed because the basics of screenwriting are missing. I do believe that this script was uploaded too soon.
Good luck. read -
A review of DECEIT (re-write of Fallible)by Braxcugs on 07/16/2006I have somehow a mixed feeling after reading this script. Certainly much more on the positive as there are many aspects of this script that I really liked. First of all the characters: good and original. I found the main protagonists very interesting and I really liked the Carl-Jessica and Carl-Rianna relationships. The whole thing of Rianna turning 16 and going after what... I have somehow a mixed feeling after reading this script. Certainly much more on the positive as there are many aspects of this script that I really liked.
First of all the characters: good and original. I found the main protagonists very interesting and I really liked the Carl-Jessica and Carl-Rianna relationships. The whole thing of Rianna turning 16 and going after what turns out be her father is great. Carl and Jessica and their inability of having stable relationships is well crafted. The character of Stephen could be worked out a bit more (maybe a bit more eccentric? - after all he's single and rich), even though a good job has been done as I was left with the "is it him or not" feeling throughout the script.
The plot: there are a bit too many coincidences. It's Ok that Rianna bumps into Stephen in the beginning, it's a good way to trigger the story. It's OK that the killings are all around constructions that are made by Stephen's company (one killing for each building) as the maniac studies his victims carefully. But the fact that Carl finds out the solution looking at the Stephen's map with the pins is a bit too easy. It also turns out that Carl is not a good investigator but only lucky to see the map.
I really liked the fact that Carl turns out to be Rianna's father as it was really unexpected, even though all the elements were all there.
Pg. 37 it's quiet not quite
You did a real good job with dialogues and structure.
Good luck read
Comments About Braxcugs 7
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capper on 07/03/2011
Hey, thanks for the review of Crankshafted, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Cheers -
Johnstone82 on 04/30/2011
Hi, Brandon,
Thank you very much for your thoughts on "Dungeon Master Olympics." You are right with the stakes issue and many other readers have brought it up. Fortunately, I'll have time this summer to address it. Best of luck to you and take care.
John -
ProfRedSweater on 04/21/2011
Thanks for the review of Billy's Balls! You're right, Billy's passivity is too much. I've been trying to deny it for a while, but I think your review finally pushed me into acceptance. It was to be part of his character flaw, but the audience needs to see some progression in the first part. The Mom has been a little odd to get in tone, I'm trying to walk this line of making her cheerfully blind by choice.
Anyway, things for the next rewrite! Thanks!
Alex -
moejoe_dreams on 01/31/2011
Thank you so much for the review of the boys are back... it is truly appreciated. -
CrabbyLady on 12/01/2010
Hey there: Thank YOU for taking the time to read "The Humane Facade". Yes I know the formatting SUCKS (in this version) and I should have mentioned to all reviewers to just ignore that, but you live and learn.
I didn't want Samantha to be likeable; I have volunteered with the ill and homeless for 6 1/2 years now, and some are STILL not likeable. It's how it is. I didn't want the cliched "heart of gold". She's ill and can't help it. I do think (I think) that I had her somewhat sympathetic in that she's been raped and beaten, she has to give up food to stay near another for protection, and that she wants to fix the beads she broke. If that's not enough, so be it, but as I said, I hate cliche.
Thank you though VERY much - I do appreciate the time you took! -
GameArs on 09/19/2010
Braxcugs wrote:If I remember well you had a script called Porsche. What happened to that script?
It's on a back burner awaiting a re-write. It's still my favorite script. -
toddhester on 01/16/2008
Yours is simply the finest avatar around! :) I had an avatar of me with Spidey in Times Square, but replaced it when the monkey thing took off. . . .
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Comments About Braxcugs 7
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Hey, thanks for the review of Crankshafted, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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Hi, Brandon,
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Thanks for the review of Billy's Balls! You're right, Billy's passivity is too much. I've been trying to deny it for a while, but I think your review finally pushed me into acceptance. It was to be part of his character flaw, but the audience needs to see some progression in the first part. The Mom has been a little odd to get in tone, I'm trying to walk this line of making her cheerfully blind by choice.
+ more commentscapper on 07/03/2011
Cheers
Johnstone82 on 04/30/2011
Thank you very much for your thoughts on "Dungeon Master Olympics." You are right with the stakes issue and many other readers have brought it up. Fortunately, I'll have time this summer to address it. Best of luck to you and take care.
John
ProfRedSweater on 04/21/2011
Anyway, things for the next rewrite! Thanks!
Alex