a screenplay
by brookline
Three children enter an enchanted kingdom ruled by a rich young lord with a wicked secret.
brookline
member since 10/28/2010 |
last login 04/30/2012
My name is FRANCES BECKHAM--I enjoy volunteering my time to read the scripts, books, short storys, plays, etc. that writers send to this site. I am glad to offer my knowledge to help writers make improvements to their material.--------------------------------------------------------- I am a...
Bio
My name is FRANCES BECKHAM--I enjoy volunteering my time to read the scripts, books, short storys, plays, etc. that writers send to this site. I am glad to offer my knowledge to help writers make improvements to their material.--------------------------------------------------------- I am a script writer. I am also working on a book. I live in Washington state.......I run an editing and critique service for writers. My fees are flat and affordable. EDITS: $35.00(This includes spelling grammar, sentence structure, industry formatting. I charge separate for Edit service because I get a lot of requests from writers who just want an edit job)...CRITIQUES: $45.00(Evaluating, the introduction, development, climax, conclusion, and character development)....EDIT & CRITIQUE COMBO: $55.00....Triggerstreet members get a discount EDIT: $25; CRITIQUE: $35; EDIT & CRITIQUE COMBO: $45....Feel free to visit my blog at http://pcsqlserviceblog.blogspot.com....Press the CONTACT ME button to email me or email me directly at ahicks4298@q.com or ahicks4298msn.com ..................
Submissions by brookline
Reviews by brookline 31
-
A review of Project Jingle Bellby brookline on 04/30/2012My name is Frances Beckham. I volunteered to critique the screenplay PROJECT JINGLE BELL by RALPH JENSEN. After reading the critique, please send me your feedback. INTRODUCTION The first 10 to 15 pages of a script must do the following. 1. Hook the reader 2. Introduce the main characters 3. Introduce the plot Following is a list of questions that the first 10 to 15 pages... My name is Frances Beckham. I volunteered to critique the screenplay PROJECT JINGLE BELL by RALPH JENSEN. After reading the critique, please send me your feedback.
INTRODUCTION
The first 10 to 15 pages of a script must do the following.
1. Hook the reader
2. Introduce the main characters
3. Introduce the plot
Following is a list of questions that the first 10 to 15 pages must answer.
1. Has the stage and environment been clearly set?
Yes. The setting is modern and urban.
2. Does the script open with a gripping event?
Well, yes. Kind of. The griping event is Fr. Andrews dream of Christ and Lucifer. Labeling this scene as a dream takes away the effect a gripping even for this particular script. I think it would be more effective if the script opens with the dream scene, but make it an actual event instead of a dream. Clarify the deal between Christ and Lucifer. What is it? We know what is at stake. Another thing. Perhaps using Christ and Lucifer may be a bit too much. The reader might get a hands off attitude. It would be more attracting to use Angels and Demons like in the old movie CABIN IN THE SKY(I suggest watching this movie for reference). Fantasy and sifi novels and movie use angels and demons instead of Christ and Lucifer. In Japanese anime exorcists priest, the holy figures, and oni - meaning demon (the evil figure) are used.
The setting where Christ and Lucifer are is too ordinary. Use your imagination here. Make it some extraordinary place. When the scene ends, then introduce Fr. Andrew.
3. Does the script answer: Why is today different than any other day for the main character?
Well for Kate it does. But not for the other characters.
4. Is the story in progress?
It is hard to tell at this point. This introduction is basically introducing the various main characters. For this reason it would be a good idea to allow the dream to be an actual event and the first scene in the movie, and plainly state the deal.
5. Is there an event about to occur or that just occurred provocative enough for the reader to ask: what is going to happen next?
Well, it appears that something concerning the ‘project’ is going to happen.
6. Is it clear who the protagonist is and what his or her needs or desires are?
Yes. Fr. Andrew is the protagonist. His need is to have the project be successful, I presumed.
7. Has what is at stake for the protagonist been set up?
Yes.
8. Have I presented or foreshadowed the antagonist and major conflict?
Yes
9. Is the genre clear and consistent?
Yes. It’s sifi
*********************************************************************
STORY DEVELOPMENT
Following is a list of questions to answer after completing the script.
1. Does the script have a unique twist?
Well, the unique twist is Jesus comes to help some people to make the right decision about their lives to prevent a great war from happening. I think that’s right.
2. Is the story compelling?
Well, it was hard to follow. Reading was choppy and lacked smooth flow. There were too many characters to follow. It was really hard trying to figure out what is the story about and what its purpose is. I think you need to work on the plot. Simplify it by taking out the religious context and having less characters. Make the save the world theme more evident.
Use your imagination more. Give the main Characters something they must do. They help an angel or mystical being. You can keep the personal problems, and their effort to save the world brings about personal growth. There’s just something taboo about using Jesus and Lucifer and the other religious figures. As suggested before, change their characters to fanciful mystical beings.
3. Are the stakes clear?
No.
4. Is the dramatic clock ticking?
Well, not really. There is not a sense of urgency or expectation in each scene.
5. Is there a clear subtext?
Subtext =dialog
Usually a reader figures out what’s going on just from the dialog without looking at the paragraphs. But no so here. The dialog fails to carry the plot.
7. Are there unexpected occurrences and conflicts that the protagonist must overcome?
Yes. But they are not compelling enough. The scenes aren’t clear about the save the world theme. The script jumps off on the various characters personal problems. They downplay the save the world theme.
8. Is there over explaining in the story?
No. You are not explaining enough. I felt lost..
9. Does my story continue to build to the climax?
Well, yes. Kind of. The reader does not get the build up feeling. It is hard to see the plot in the scenes and to see and feel the build up.
CHARACTERS
1. Is there a strong antagonist?
Yes, but we don’t see much of him, only in the beginning and ending. He should be doing something. Plotting, planning, and carrying out a scheme. Think of the role of the demons in the old Movie Cabin in the Sky”. The demons were constantly setting up schemes to trick Little Joe, the main character.
2. What do the characters have to gain or lose?
It is not clear. This needs to be made clear.
3. Are the characters’ journeys clear and compelling?
No. This needs improving. They don’t even know the world is at stake. They need to know what’s going on between good and evil. They are so unaware.
4. What is the main character’s goal in the story?
Well. They don’t have goals. Their goals aren’t evident.
5.Are all of the characters unique?
The characters are unique. There are just too many of them.
Discussion:
My advice is to work on the plot. Find out how you want the script to end using the end of the world theme. Resolve the end of the world problem and the problems of the main characters. Once you’ve figured out your ending start the beginning and work your way to the ending.
Cut down the number of characters. Have Kate and Andrew as the leads. Have two mystical fantasy being one good and the other bad. Have just a few supporting characters. Following is some information to help in your rewrite.
When you have time feel free to send me feedback.
Frances
****************************************************************************
People keep emailing to ask me what a 'story beat' is.
It's a word I use all the time, and it's a word that people in the industry in the UK use all the time, and it's a word that can be a little bit slippery. It's very simple. A beat means 'Something That Happens'. But, a little like a fractal, a beat can be made up of other, smaller beats. Each of these smaller beats can be made up of other, even smaller beats, then on and on down, seemingly forever.
For example.
You could call each of these big story events a beat:
1. John is all alone.
2. John meets Jane.
3. John loses Jane.
4. John wins Jane back.
5. Wedding.
These are the main plot point making the story. You'd definitely talk at that level of detail when you are
sketching out the overall shape of a story. Later on, when you're happy that that part of your story definitely runs along those lines, you'd break those five down into more detail.
Look at beat 4. John wins Jane back. Let's break that down, into a component set of possible beats:
1. On his way to the match, John runs into Jane. She offers him a lift. Desperate to talk, he calls his friends, says he'll meet them later, and hops into Jane's car.
2. They row over his football obsession and she kicks him out of the car.
3. He's stranded. Middle of nowhere, no cabs to be seen.
4. He calls his friends - they're already inside the ground. He's going to have to make his own way there.
5. Desperate to get to the match, he flags down a passing bus.
6. But the bus is full of supporters of the opposing team. They see his team shirt, and close in on him to teach him a lesson.
7. He wakes up in bed in hospital - to find Jane there. She has been waiting by the bedside, terrified she will lose him.
8. He takes his chance, she proposes. The shock has shown her she can't live without him, and she accepts gladly.
And of course, to get to what you'd see on screen, you'd break each of those beats down even further, to yet another, even more detailed set of beats.
Look at beat 3, "He's stranded", and break it down into yet another set of beats:
1. John falls out the car, Jane zooms off.
2. He tries to flag down a passing car. No luck.
3. He realises there is a bus stop over the road. He runs - misses the bus, which zooms off without him.
4. John does a war dance of anger and stress.
5. He looks round. No more traffic in either direction.
6. He starts to walk.
So really, what's contained in a beat depends entirely on the level at which you are currently thinking about the story. The way I write involves a great deal of playing around with beats like this, working and reworking a master list of beats I call a beat sheet or more simple 'a scene by scene story outline'. Creating one allows you to visualize the story in sequence and play the whole story out in your head. Then move to writing the actual scenes and dialogue.
The reason for this more abstract work is that once I've committed to dialogue in a scene I tend to fall in love with the scene, and it becomes much harder to cut, reshape and generally chop the story around - all of which is essential if you're going to find the best possible version of your story.
Making A Compelling Main Conflict
What's the main conflict of your story? Is it a powerful force that engages the emotions of your reader or does it leave them feeling flat and let down?
THE MAIN CONFLICT is one of those areas where a minor improvement can often make a huge difference in the quality of the read. So it is well worth reconsidering that conflict. Let's see if we can make this easy. First, a definition.
CONFLICT:
1. Opposition between characters or forces in a work of drama or fiction, especially
opposition that motivates or shapes the action of the plot.
2. A state of disharmony between incompatible or antithetical persons, ideas, or
interests; a clash.
Basically, whatever your main character wants or needs most is opposed by some "incompatible person or interest" and your main character is motivated to action to fight for their goal/need.
In JOHN Q, John's son needs a heart transplant, but their HMO won't pay for it. John's need is to save his son's life. The opposition is an insurance company with a loop hole. That is the main conflict.
BTW, I'm not interested in debating the legality or morality of the situation. This is solely about focusing on the conflict of a screenplay.
First, notice how it is already a strong conflict. It has "opposition that motivates or shapes the action of the plot" in that John must take action or watch his son die. Second, notice the stakes -- not John's life, but his son's life. Third, notice the injustice that sets up "disharmony between incompatible interests," an insurance company that John has been paying who refuses to cover this important operation.
Finally, I won't tell you how the movie ends, but in the 2nd Act, John takes a hospital hostage and demands that they do the transplant. They took this to an interesting extreme that was born in the original conflict, but took it to a new level.
WHAT TO DO:
Since your main conflict is so important, you may want to try a variety of different ways to elevate it. Here are a few techniques you could use to turn an average conflict into an amazing one.
A. Raise the stakes: Increase the value of the conflict. What will be lost if the main character doesn't succeed? For John, it was his son's life. Other stakes could include love, money, property, respect, a lifestyle, a person's honor, family, a dream, a set of beliefs, etc.
Whatever it is, simply brainstorm new levels. A simple football game becomes the champion game. Add some gambling and suddenly, the entire town is on the edge of losing their savings if the team doesn't win. Want to take it farther? The quarterback is threatened with death if he loses. Etc.
B. Make the opposition more incompatible: When the antagonist is a group of terrorist, it is usually because the writer is trying to take the opposition to a completely incompatible edge. But you don't need a terrorist to do that. In fact, someone really close might do a much better job.
From an emotional point of view, it may be that a twin brother who was considered "perfect" by everyone, but had constantly berated and physically abused his brother, might be the best opposition.
In HAPPY GILMORE, Happy was opposed by Shooter McGavin, the top golfer, who was everything that Happy wasn't. As the media became more interested in Happy, Shooter got more hostile. When Happy actually learned to golf, Shooter hired a crazy guy to harass Happy. Shooters primary focus turned into getting Happy off of the golf tour, any way he could.
Remember, here you are just looking for incompatibility. Who would be the most incompatible with your protagonist? Find that person or group and you have added to your conflict.
C. Have us totally buy into the main character's goal or need: This is important. You need to sell us on the value of that goal or need. We need to see/hear/feel the goal/need. In KARATE KID, the new kid in school doesn't just want to take karate. If that was all it was, most likely, that movie would never have been made.
Instead, the writer has the bully's girlfriend become interested in Daniel. Then, the bully beats Daniel up in front of the girlfriend. If that isn't enough, the bully and four friends surround him in a field and begin beating him... until Mr. Miyagi steps in.
By then, we've bought into the need for Daniel to learn karate. Notice how we saw the need, heard the need, and felt the need.
D. Try on different extremes: Even if you've done the first three, brainstorm this one, also. Why? Because movies are about extreme situations. But, they don't all have to be life or death extremes...
John Q took the hospital hostage. Daniel agreed to fight the bully in a karate tournament in front of everyone. Happy Gilmore bet everything on his ability to beat the top golf professional.
You are simply looking for the best extreme that fits your story. Any one of those four methods can elevate an average conflict to an engaging conflict. But don't just take my word for it. Write down your main conflict and see if it is compelling. If it isn't compelling by itself, go to work using the four methods above to elevate it. You, and your readers, will be glad you did.
I hope this will help you out. I think the basic concept of your story is good. You just need to work on the story development. When you have time please send me your feedback on this critique. Happy writing.
Frances
read -
A review of Evergreenby brookline on 03/26/2012Critique for THE MANY MISSING OF HILLSBOROUGH COUNTY My name is Frances Beckham. I volunteered to critique the screenplay EVERGREEN by MICHAEL DOLINER. After reading the critique, please send me your feedback. INTRODUCTION The first 10 to 15 pages of a script must do the following. 1. Hook the reader 2. Introduce the main characters 3. Introduce the plot Following is a... Critique for THE MANY MISSING OF HILLSBOROUGH COUNTY
My name is Frances Beckham. I volunteered to critique the screenplay EVERGREEN by MICHAEL DOLINER. After reading the critique, please send me your feedback.
INTRODUCTION
The first 10 to 15 pages of a script must do the following.
1. Hook the reader
2. Introduce the main characters
3. Introduce the plot
Following is a list of questions that the first 10 to 15 pages must answer.
1. Has the stage and environment been clearly set?
Yes. The setting is modern and in San Francisco.
2. Does the script open with a gripping event?
Yes. It does.
3. Does the script answer: Why is today different than any other day for the main character?
Yes. The death of David’s friend appears to have affected him.
4. Is the story in progress?
Yes. The story immediately starts focusing on David and shows him struggling in life.
5. Is there an event about to occur or that just occurred provocative enough for the reader to ask: what is going to happen next?
Yes. David meets Phil who’s in the weed business. The reader gets the impression that due to David’s state of mind and circumstance, he will get involved with Phil’s weed business.
6. Is it clear who the protagonist is and what his or her needs or desires are?
Yes. David is the protagonist. He needs purpose for his life and peace of mind..
7. Has what is at stake for the protagonist been set up?
Well no. What is at stake for David should be established as soon as possible.
8. Have I presented or foreshadowed the antagonist and major conflict?
It appears Phil will act as antagonist.
9. Is the genre clear and consistent?
It appears it will be a crime drama.
*********************************************************************
STORY DEVELOPMENT
Following is a list of questions to answer after completing the script.
1. Does the script have a unique twist?
Well, not really. The story concept is ordinary. The situations are typical for the real estate business. It wasn’t what I expected.
2. Is the story compelling?
No. There appears to be some kind of real estate scam going on, but it is not clear. You need to plainly state the scam. Also your plot needs to be made compelling, as the story goes it is ordinary. Perhaps some how tie in the illegal weed growing and distribution ring with the real estate scam. Or early in the story, let David get in the grove of scaming real estate; he gets instant wealth and success; gets into fast women and drug use. He isn’t happy. His friends see a change in him. Then the real estate company gets involved in the mother of real estate scams and they want David to work it. However a lot of poor renters and poor home owners will be affected. David learns the government is watching and knows about the scam. The agents tell David he’s being set up by his colleagues to take the fall. They tell him to work with them he works with the Feds to bust the biggest real estate illegal drug scam in history.
You need something compelling like that to spice up the story.
3. Are the stakes clear?
No. The stake for David needs to be clear.
4. Is the dramatic clock ticking?
No. It does not feel dramatic.
5. Is there a clear subtext?
Subtext =dialog
No. The dialogue was hard to follow. It was not clear. The reader has to do a lot of thinking and figuring out to follow the story. It is not self-explaining.
7. Are there unexpected occurrences and conflicts that the protagonist must overcome?
Well, everything is so ordinary and typical.
8. Is there over explaining in the story?
No. Actually there is not enough explaining. What is going on?
9. Does my story continue to build to the climax?
Well, kind of but it doesn’t make sene. For instance that part where David’s boss’s daughter goes to his apartment, David dog collars her, she submits, and then the following scene got completely lost. The events just happened.
Explanation: I strongly suggest a rewrite, but first come up with a good compelling plot. This is a must have for a successful story. Now I assume your concept concerns a guy down on his luck in life gets involved in real estate scams to make money. This concept is fine. It just needs a compelling twist. We all know the real estate business is shady, but when people watch a movie about a real estate scam, they’ll want to see something out of the ordinary. Some sort of illegal situation that is different from ordinary scams we hear about. When people watch a movie, at least most people, they want to be entertained by something out of the ordinary.
Here is some information to read that can help you in the rewrite.
****************************************************************************
People keep emailing to ask me what a 'story beat' is.
It's a word I use all the time, and it's a word that people in the industry in the UK use all the time, and it's a word that can be a little bit slippery. It's very simple. A beat means 'Something That Happens'. But, a little like a fractal, a beat can be made up of other, smaller beats. Each of these smaller beats can be made up of other, even smaller beats, then on and on down, seemingly forever.
For example.
You could call each of these big story events a beat:
1. John is all alone.
2. John meets Jane.
3. John loses Jane.
4. John wins Jane back.
5. Wedding.
These are the main plot point making the story. You'd definitely talk at that level of detail when you are
sketching out the overall shape of a story. Later on, when you're happy that that part of your story definitely runs along those lines, you'd break those five down into more detail.
Look at beat 4. John wins Jane back. Let's break that down, into a component set of possible beats:
1. On his way to the match, John runs into Jane. She offers him a lift. Desperate to talk, he calls his friends, says he'll meet them later, and hops into Jane's car.
2. They row over his football obsession and she kicks him out of the car.
3. He's stranded. Middle of nowhere, no cabs to be seen.
4. He calls his friends - they're already inside the ground. He's going to have to make his own way there.
5. Desperate to get to the match, he flags down a passing bus.
6. But the bus is full of supporters of the opposing team. They see his team shirt, and close in on him to teach him a lesson.
7. He wakes up in bed in hospital - to find Jane there. She has been waiting by the bedside, terrified she will lose him.
8. He takes his chance, she proposes. The shock has shown her she can't live without him, and she accepts gladly.
And of course, to get to what you'd see on screen, you'd break each of those beats down even further, to yet another, even more detailed set of beats.
Look at beat 3, "He's stranded", and break it down into yet another set of beats:
1. John falls out the car, Jane zooms off.
2. He tries to flag down a passing car. No luck.
3. He realises there is a bus stop over the road. He runs - misses the bus, which zooms off without him.
4. John does a war dance of anger and stress.
5. He looks round. No more traffic in either direction.
6. He starts to walk.
So really, what's contained in a beat depends entirely on the level at which you are currently thinking about the story. The way I write involves a great deal of playing around with beats like this, working and reworking a master list of beats I call a beat sheet or more simple 'a scene by scene story outline'. Creating one allows you to visualize the story in sequence and play the whole story out in your head. Then move to writing the actual scenes and dialogue.
The reason for this more abstract work is that once I've committed to dialogue in a scene I tend to fall in love with the scene, and it becomes much harder to cut, reshape and generally chop the story around - all of which is essential if you're going to find the best possible version of your story.
Making A Compelling Main Conflict
What's the main conflict of your story? Is it a powerful force that engages the emotions of your reader or does it leave them feeling flat and let down?
THE MAIN CONFLICT is one of those areas where a minor improvement can often make a huge difference in the quality of the read. So it is well worth reconsidering that conflict. Let's see if we can make this easy. First, a definition.
CONFLICT:
1. Opposition between characters or forces in a work of drama or fiction, especially
opposition that motivates or shapes the action of the plot.
2. A state of disharmony between incompatible or antithetical persons, ideas, or
interests; a clash.
Basically, whatever your main character wants or needs most is opposed by some "incompatible person or interest" and your main character is motivated to action to fight for their goal/need.
In JOHN Q, John's son needs a heart transplant, but their HMO won't pay for it. John's need is to save his son's life. The opposition is an insurance company with a loop hole. That is the main conflict.
BTW, I'm not interested in debating the legality or morality of the situation. This is solely about focusing on the conflict of a screenplay.
First, notice how it is already a strong conflict. It has "opposition that motivates or shapes the action of the plot" in that John must take action or watch his son die. Second, notice the stakes -- not John's life, but his son's life. Third, notice the injustice that sets up "disharmony between incompatible interests," an insurance company that John has been paying who refuses to cover this important operation.
Finally, I won't tell you how the movie ends, but in the 2nd Act, John takes a hospital hostage and demands that they do the transplant. They took this to an interesting extreme that was born in the original conflict, but took it to a new level.
WHAT TO DO:
Since your main conflict is so important, you may want to try a variety of different ways to elevate it. Here are a few techniques you could use to turn an average conflict into an amazing one.
A. Raise the stakes: Increase the value of the conflict. What will be lost if the main character doesn't succeed? For John, it was his son's life. Other stakes could include love, money, property, respect, a lifestyle, a person's honor, family, a dream, a set of beliefs, etc.
Whatever it is, simply brainstorm new levels. A simple football game becomes the champion game. Add some gambling and suddenly, the entire town is on the edge of losing their savings if the team doesn't win. Want to take it farther? The quarterback is threatened with death if he loses. Etc.
B. Make the opposition more incompatible: When the antagonist is a group of terrorist, it is usually because the writer is trying to take the opposition to a completely incompatible edge. But you don't need a terrorist to do that. In fact, someone really close might do a much better job.
From an emotional point of view, it may be that a twin brother who was considered "perfect" by everyone, but had constantly berated and physically abused his brother, might be the best opposition.
In HAPPY GILMORE, Happy was opposed by Shooter McGavin, the top golfer, who was everything that Happy wasn't. As the media became more interested in Happy, Shooter got more hostile. When Happy actually learned to golf, Shooter hired a crazy guy to harass Happy. Shooters primary focus turned into getting Happy off of the golf tour, any way he could.
Remember, here you are just looking for incompatibility. Who would be the most incompatible with your protagonist? Find that person or group and you have added to your conflict.
C. Have us totally buy into the main character's goal or need: This is important. You need to sell us on the value of that goal or need. We need to see/hear/feel the goal/need. In KARATE KID, the new kid in school doesn't just want to take karate. If that was all it was, most likely, that movie would never have been made.
Instead, the writer has the bully's girlfriend become interested in Daniel. Then, the bully beats Daniel up in front of the girlfriend. If that isn't enough, the bully and four friends surround him in a field and begin beating him... until Mr. Miyagi steps in.
By then, we've bought into the need for Daniel to learn karate. Notice how we saw the need, heard the need, and felt the need.
D. Try on different extremes: Even if you've done the first three, brainstorm this one, also. Why? Because movies are about extreme situations. But, they don't all have to be life or death extremes...
John Q took the hospital hostage. Daniel agreed to fight the bully in a karate tournament in front of everyone. Happy Gilmore bet everything on his ability to beat the top golf professional.
You are simply looking for the best extreme that fits your story. Any one of those four methods can elevate an average conflict to an engaging conflict. But don't just take my word for it. Write down your main conflict and see if it is compelling. If it isn't compelling by itself, go to work using the four methods above to elevate it. You, and your readers, will be glad you did.
I hope this will help you out. I think the basic concept of your story is good. You just need to work on the story development. When you have time please send me your feedback on this critique. Happy writing.
Frances
read -
A review of The Many Missing of Hillsborough County (V.3)by brookline on 03/19/2012Critique for THE MANY MISSING OF HILLSBOROUGH COUNTY My name is Frances Beckham. I volunteered to critique the screenplay THE MANY MISSING OF HILLSBOROUGH COUNTY by John Kelley. After reading the critique, please send me your feedback. INTRODUCTION The first 10 to 15 pages of a script must do the following. 1. Hook the reader 2. Introduce the main characters 3. Introduce... Critique for THE MANY MISSING OF HILLSBOROUGH COUNTY
My name is Frances Beckham. I volunteered to critique the screenplay THE MANY MISSING OF HILLSBOROUGH COUNTY by John Kelley. After reading the critique, please send me your feedback.
INTRODUCTION
The first 10 to 15 pages of a script must do the following.
1. Hook the reader
2. Introduce the main characters
3. Introduce the plot
Following is a list of questions that the first 10 to 15 pages must answer.
1. Has the stage and environment been clearly set?
Yes. It is apparent the setting is modern. The main character, within the first 10 pages is sent the location where the story takes place.
2. Does the script open with a gripping event?
Yes. It does.
3. Does the script answer: Why is today different than any other day for the main character?
Yes. This occurs when the main character is arrested, expelled from school, and sent to live with his aunt, the town where his mother came up missing.
4. Is the story in progress?
Yes. It is.
5. Is there an event about to occur or that just occurred provocative enough for the reader to ask: what is going to happen next?
Yes.
6. Is it clear who the protagonist is and what his or her needs or desires are?
Yes. The protagonist is Cooper. He’s having emotional problems because of his mother’s absence. He needs piece of mind.
7. Has what is at stake for the protagonist been set up?
Yes. It appears Cooper’s piece of mind is at stake.
8. Have I presented or foreshadowed the antagonist and major conflict?
Yes.
9. Is the genre clear and consistent?
Yes. It is clear the genre is horror.
Explanation: It has been a while since I reviewed a horror script. When your script came up on assignment I decided to accept it after reading the log lines. After reading the first 10 pages I was hooked. Now I am going to read more.
*********************************************************************
STORY DEVELOPMENT
Following is a list of questions to answer after completing the script.
1. Does the script have a unique twist?
Yes. The twist of Copper’s Aunt and Uncle being the culprits is totally unexpected and it was logically.
2. Is the story compelling?
Yes. It was a page turner. Very easy to read and follow.
3. Are the stakes clear?
Yes.
4. Is the dramatic clock ticking?
Yes. The read does feel a sense of urgency and expectation in the scenes.
5. Is there a clear subtext?
Subtext =dialog
Yes. The dialog was well done. It is quick and focus. Its easy to understand. The tone is clear and consistent, and the characters’ personalities are expressed in the dialog. No one sounds alike.
7. Are there unexpected occurrences and conflicts that the protagonist must overcome?
Yes.
8. Is there over explaining in the story?
No. The events are unexpected and logical. Nothing is a big stretch on the imagination.
9. Does my story continue to build to the climax?
Yes.
Explanation: I really like your story concept. It is unique and very interesting. Everything was so unexpectant. The story could use a little more development in a few areas. You need to show Cooper’s growing curiosity in the old house. For a teenage boy such as Cooper there needs to be something more compelling to spur his interest in the old house. For instance in the introduction, within the first 10 pages, show Cooper having one of his dreams. In it he sees the creepy old house and his mother.
Also in the introduction show off his art skills by showing him drawing a sketch of the old house and his mother from his dream. His father sees his various sketches, doesn’t approve of his drawings, and tells him to focus on football. When Cooper gets to his Aunt and uncles house, the first thing that captures his attention is the old house. In his room he takes out his sketches and look at them and old house through his window. Cooper asks his uncle and aunt who lives in that old house and why they make so much noise. He tells Daisy about the house. Sometimes there’s loud music and sometimes there’s no music. He also tells Thad about the house.
As for Thad, I suspected he was the culprit from the start. He was so creepy to me. You did a good job of giving this impression. I have a suggestion for him. Perhaps let him live in a spooky looking house instead of an apartment. The house can be clean and dustless, a sign Thad is a neat freak. Cooper goes to Thad’s house for tutoring. Cooper starts getting strange thoughts about Thad. Thad keeps a room in his house locked. Cooper one day sneaks into Thad’s house and gets into the room. He sees murderous pictures, ropes, knives, and finds his journals. Thad comes in and catches him. Cooper runs to the police. Thad is arrested. Something like this would be more compelling. It would give more scene variety.
How does Herald know to get the right blood type for Maude? This needs to be addresses without giving any hint he is the villain. I suggest letting Herald be a hospital worker, not a doctor, something like an orderly, nurse, or records keeper. In a short scene without showing his identity, just show feet walking or give the sound of walking. Then show hands pulling a file off the shelf. The records open the audience and reader reads the record. It shows a person’s name and blood type. Then that person comes up missing. Just like you did the script, don’t show any indication Herald and Maude are involved in the kidnapings.
The script is 94 pages. The limit is 125 pages. So 31 additional pages can be added. All the scenes you have now you can keep. You just need to elaborate more on Cooper’s developing interest in the old house. Your train of thought for the story is good. Keep your ending and keep how Cooper discovers his aunt and uncle are the culprits.
When you have time feel free to send feedback on the review
Best Wishes,
Frances read
Write a Comment
Submissions by brookline
-
a screenplay by brooklineThree children enter an enchanted kingdom ruled by a rich young lord with a wicked secret.
Reviews by brookline 31
-
A review of Project Jingle Bellby brookline on 04/30/2012My name is Frances Beckham. I volunteered to critique the screenplay PROJECT JINGLE BELL by RALPH JENSEN. After reading the critique, please send me your feedback. INTRODUCTION The first 10 to 15 pages of a script must do the following. 1. Hook the reader 2. Introduce the main characters 3. Introduce the plot Following is a list of questions that the first 10 to 15 pages... My name is Frances Beckham. I volunteered to critique the screenplay PROJECT JINGLE BELL by RALPH JENSEN. After reading the critique, please send me your feedback.
INTRODUCTION
The first 10 to 15 pages of a script must do the following.
1. Hook the reader
2. Introduce the main characters
3. Introduce the plot
Following is a list of questions that the first 10 to 15 pages must answer.
1. Has the stage and environment been clearly set?
Yes. The setting is modern and urban.
2. Does the script open with a gripping event?
Well, yes. Kind of. The griping event is Fr. Andrews dream of Christ and Lucifer. Labeling this scene as a dream takes away the effect a gripping even for this particular script. I think it would be more effective if the script opens with the dream scene, but make it an actual event instead of a dream. Clarify the deal between Christ and Lucifer. What is it? We know what is at stake. Another thing. Perhaps using Christ and Lucifer may be a bit too much. The reader might get a hands off attitude. It would be more attracting to use Angels and Demons like in the old movie CABIN IN THE SKY(I suggest watching this movie for reference). Fantasy and sifi novels and movie use angels and demons instead of Christ and Lucifer. In Japanese anime exorcists priest, the holy figures, and oni - meaning demon (the evil figure) are used.
The setting where Christ and Lucifer are is too ordinary. Use your imagination here. Make it some extraordinary place. When the scene ends, then introduce Fr. Andrew.
3. Does the script answer: Why is today different than any other day for the main character?
Well for Kate it does. But not for the other characters.
4. Is the story in progress?
It is hard to tell at this point. This introduction is basically introducing the various main characters. For this reason it would be a good idea to allow the dream to be an actual event and the first scene in the movie, and plainly state the deal.
5. Is there an event about to occur or that just occurred provocative enough for the reader to ask: what is going to happen next?
Well, it appears that something concerning the ‘project’ is going to happen.
6. Is it clear who the protagonist is and what his or her needs or desires are?
Yes. Fr. Andrew is the protagonist. His need is to have the project be successful, I presumed.
7. Has what is at stake for the protagonist been set up?
Yes.
8. Have I presented or foreshadowed the antagonist and major conflict?
Yes
9. Is the genre clear and consistent?
Yes. It’s sifi
*********************************************************************
STORY DEVELOPMENT
Following is a list of questions to answer after completing the script.
1. Does the script have a unique twist?
Well, the unique twist is Jesus comes to help some people to make the right decision about their lives to prevent a great war from happening. I think that’s right.
2. Is the story compelling?
Well, it was hard to follow. Reading was choppy and lacked smooth flow. There were too many characters to follow. It was really hard trying to figure out what is the story about and what its purpose is. I think you need to work on the plot. Simplify it by taking out the religious context and having less characters. Make the save the world theme more evident.
Use your imagination more. Give the main Characters something they must do. They help an angel or mystical being. You can keep the personal problems, and their effort to save the world brings about personal growth. There’s just something taboo about using Jesus and Lucifer and the other religious figures. As suggested before, change their characters to fanciful mystical beings.
3. Are the stakes clear?
No.
4. Is the dramatic clock ticking?
Well, not really. There is not a sense of urgency or expectation in each scene.
5. Is there a clear subtext?
Subtext =dialog
Usually a reader figures out what’s going on just from the dialog without looking at the paragraphs. But no so here. The dialog fails to carry the plot.
7. Are there unexpected occurrences and conflicts that the protagonist must overcome?
Yes. But they are not compelling enough. The scenes aren’t clear about the save the world theme. The script jumps off on the various characters personal problems. They downplay the save the world theme.
8. Is there over explaining in the story?
No. You are not explaining enough. I felt lost..
9. Does my story continue to build to the climax?
Well, yes. Kind of. The reader does not get the build up feeling. It is hard to see the plot in the scenes and to see and feel the build up.
CHARACTERS
1. Is there a strong antagonist?
Yes, but we don’t see much of him, only in the beginning and ending. He should be doing something. Plotting, planning, and carrying out a scheme. Think of the role of the demons in the old Movie Cabin in the Sky”. The demons were constantly setting up schemes to trick Little Joe, the main character.
2. What do the characters have to gain or lose?
It is not clear. This needs to be made clear.
3. Are the characters’ journeys clear and compelling?
No. This needs improving. They don’t even know the world is at stake. They need to know what’s going on between good and evil. They are so unaware.
4. What is the main character’s goal in the story?
Well. They don’t have goals. Their goals aren’t evident.
5.Are all of the characters unique?
The characters are unique. There are just too many of them.
Discussion:
My advice is to work on the plot. Find out how you want the script to end using the end of the world theme. Resolve the end of the world problem and the problems of the main characters. Once you’ve figured out your ending start the beginning and work your way to the ending.
Cut down the number of characters. Have Kate and Andrew as the leads. Have two mystical fantasy being one good and the other bad. Have just a few supporting characters. Following is some information to help in your rewrite.
When you have time feel free to send me feedback.
Frances
****************************************************************************
People keep emailing to ask me what a 'story beat' is.
It's a word I use all the time, and it's a word that people in the industry in the UK use all the time, and it's a word that can be a little bit slippery. It's very simple. A beat means 'Something That Happens'. But, a little like a fractal, a beat can be made up of other, smaller beats. Each of these smaller beats can be made up of other, even smaller beats, then on and on down, seemingly forever.
For example.
You could call each of these big story events a beat:
1. John is all alone.
2. John meets Jane.
3. John loses Jane.
4. John wins Jane back.
5. Wedding.
These are the main plot point making the story. You'd definitely talk at that level of detail when you are
sketching out the overall shape of a story. Later on, when you're happy that that part of your story definitely runs along those lines, you'd break those five down into more detail.
Look at beat 4. John wins Jane back. Let's break that down, into a component set of possible beats:
1. On his way to the match, John runs into Jane. She offers him a lift. Desperate to talk, he calls his friends, says he'll meet them later, and hops into Jane's car.
2. They row over his football obsession and she kicks him out of the car.
3. He's stranded. Middle of nowhere, no cabs to be seen.
4. He calls his friends - they're already inside the ground. He's going to have to make his own way there.
5. Desperate to get to the match, he flags down a passing bus.
6. But the bus is full of supporters of the opposing team. They see his team shirt, and close in on him to teach him a lesson.
7. He wakes up in bed in hospital - to find Jane there. She has been waiting by the bedside, terrified she will lose him.
8. He takes his chance, she proposes. The shock has shown her she can't live without him, and she accepts gladly.
And of course, to get to what you'd see on screen, you'd break each of those beats down even further, to yet another, even more detailed set of beats.
Look at beat 3, "He's stranded", and break it down into yet another set of beats:
1. John falls out the car, Jane zooms off.
2. He tries to flag down a passing car. No luck.
3. He realises there is a bus stop over the road. He runs - misses the bus, which zooms off without him.
4. John does a war dance of anger and stress.
5. He looks round. No more traffic in either direction.
6. He starts to walk.
So really, what's contained in a beat depends entirely on the level at which you are currently thinking about the story. The way I write involves a great deal of playing around with beats like this, working and reworking a master list of beats I call a beat sheet or more simple 'a scene by scene story outline'. Creating one allows you to visualize the story in sequence and play the whole story out in your head. Then move to writing the actual scenes and dialogue.
The reason for this more abstract work is that once I've committed to dialogue in a scene I tend to fall in love with the scene, and it becomes much harder to cut, reshape and generally chop the story around - all of which is essential if you're going to find the best possible version of your story.
Making A Compelling Main Conflict
What's the main conflict of your story? Is it a powerful force that engages the emotions of your reader or does it leave them feeling flat and let down?
THE MAIN CONFLICT is one of those areas where a minor improvement can often make a huge difference in the quality of the read. So it is well worth reconsidering that conflict. Let's see if we can make this easy. First, a definition.
CONFLICT:
1. Opposition between characters or forces in a work of drama or fiction, especially
opposition that motivates or shapes the action of the plot.
2. A state of disharmony between incompatible or antithetical persons, ideas, or
interests; a clash.
Basically, whatever your main character wants or needs most is opposed by some "incompatible person or interest" and your main character is motivated to action to fight for their goal/need.
In JOHN Q, John's son needs a heart transplant, but their HMO won't pay for it. John's need is to save his son's life. The opposition is an insurance company with a loop hole. That is the main conflict.
BTW, I'm not interested in debating the legality or morality of the situation. This is solely about focusing on the conflict of a screenplay.
First, notice how it is already a strong conflict. It has "opposition that motivates or shapes the action of the plot" in that John must take action or watch his son die. Second, notice the stakes -- not John's life, but his son's life. Third, notice the injustice that sets up "disharmony between incompatible interests," an insurance company that John has been paying who refuses to cover this important operation.
Finally, I won't tell you how the movie ends, but in the 2nd Act, John takes a hospital hostage and demands that they do the transplant. They took this to an interesting extreme that was born in the original conflict, but took it to a new level.
WHAT TO DO:
Since your main conflict is so important, you may want to try a variety of different ways to elevate it. Here are a few techniques you could use to turn an average conflict into an amazing one.
A. Raise the stakes: Increase the value of the conflict. What will be lost if the main character doesn't succeed? For John, it was his son's life. Other stakes could include love, money, property, respect, a lifestyle, a person's honor, family, a dream, a set of beliefs, etc.
Whatever it is, simply brainstorm new levels. A simple football game becomes the champion game. Add some gambling and suddenly, the entire town is on the edge of losing their savings if the team doesn't win. Want to take it farther? The quarterback is threatened with death if he loses. Etc.
B. Make the opposition more incompatible: When the antagonist is a group of terrorist, it is usually because the writer is trying to take the opposition to a completely incompatible edge. But you don't need a terrorist to do that. In fact, someone really close might do a much better job.
From an emotional point of view, it may be that a twin brother who was considered "perfect" by everyone, but had constantly berated and physically abused his brother, might be the best opposition.
In HAPPY GILMORE, Happy was opposed by Shooter McGavin, the top golfer, who was everything that Happy wasn't. As the media became more interested in Happy, Shooter got more hostile. When Happy actually learned to golf, Shooter hired a crazy guy to harass Happy. Shooters primary focus turned into getting Happy off of the golf tour, any way he could.
Remember, here you are just looking for incompatibility. Who would be the most incompatible with your protagonist? Find that person or group and you have added to your conflict.
C. Have us totally buy into the main character's goal or need: This is important. You need to sell us on the value of that goal or need. We need to see/hear/feel the goal/need. In KARATE KID, the new kid in school doesn't just want to take karate. If that was all it was, most likely, that movie would never have been made.
Instead, the writer has the bully's girlfriend become interested in Daniel. Then, the bully beats Daniel up in front of the girlfriend. If that isn't enough, the bully and four friends surround him in a field and begin beating him... until Mr. Miyagi steps in.
By then, we've bought into the need for Daniel to learn karate. Notice how we saw the need, heard the need, and felt the need.
D. Try on different extremes: Even if you've done the first three, brainstorm this one, also. Why? Because movies are about extreme situations. But, they don't all have to be life or death extremes...
John Q took the hospital hostage. Daniel agreed to fight the bully in a karate tournament in front of everyone. Happy Gilmore bet everything on his ability to beat the top golf professional.
You are simply looking for the best extreme that fits your story. Any one of those four methods can elevate an average conflict to an engaging conflict. But don't just take my word for it. Write down your main conflict and see if it is compelling. If it isn't compelling by itself, go to work using the four methods above to elevate it. You, and your readers, will be glad you did.
I hope this will help you out. I think the basic concept of your story is good. You just need to work on the story development. When you have time please send me your feedback on this critique. Happy writing.
Frances
read -
A review of Evergreenby brookline on 03/26/2012Critique for THE MANY MISSING OF HILLSBOROUGH COUNTY My name is Frances Beckham. I volunteered to critique the screenplay EVERGREEN by MICHAEL DOLINER. After reading the critique, please send me your feedback. INTRODUCTION The first 10 to 15 pages of a script must do the following. 1. Hook the reader 2. Introduce the main characters 3. Introduce the plot Following is a... Critique for THE MANY MISSING OF HILLSBOROUGH COUNTY
My name is Frances Beckham. I volunteered to critique the screenplay EVERGREEN by MICHAEL DOLINER. After reading the critique, please send me your feedback.
INTRODUCTION
The first 10 to 15 pages of a script must do the following.
1. Hook the reader
2. Introduce the main characters
3. Introduce the plot
Following is a list of questions that the first 10 to 15 pages must answer.
1. Has the stage and environment been clearly set?
Yes. The setting is modern and in San Francisco.
2. Does the script open with a gripping event?
Yes. It does.
3. Does the script answer: Why is today different than any other day for the main character?
Yes. The death of David’s friend appears to have affected him.
4. Is the story in progress?
Yes. The story immediately starts focusing on David and shows him struggling in life.
5. Is there an event about to occur or that just occurred provocative enough for the reader to ask: what is going to happen next?
Yes. David meets Phil who’s in the weed business. The reader gets the impression that due to David’s state of mind and circumstance, he will get involved with Phil’s weed business.
6. Is it clear who the protagonist is and what his or her needs or desires are?
Yes. David is the protagonist. He needs purpose for his life and peace of mind..
7. Has what is at stake for the protagonist been set up?
Well no. What is at stake for David should be established as soon as possible.
8. Have I presented or foreshadowed the antagonist and major conflict?
It appears Phil will act as antagonist.
9. Is the genre clear and consistent?
It appears it will be a crime drama.
*********************************************************************
STORY DEVELOPMENT
Following is a list of questions to answer after completing the script.
1. Does the script have a unique twist?
Well, not really. The story concept is ordinary. The situations are typical for the real estate business. It wasn’t what I expected.
2. Is the story compelling?
No. There appears to be some kind of real estate scam going on, but it is not clear. You need to plainly state the scam. Also your plot needs to be made compelling, as the story goes it is ordinary. Perhaps some how tie in the illegal weed growing and distribution ring with the real estate scam. Or early in the story, let David get in the grove of scaming real estate; he gets instant wealth and success; gets into fast women and drug use. He isn’t happy. His friends see a change in him. Then the real estate company gets involved in the mother of real estate scams and they want David to work it. However a lot of poor renters and poor home owners will be affected. David learns the government is watching and knows about the scam. The agents tell David he’s being set up by his colleagues to take the fall. They tell him to work with them he works with the Feds to bust the biggest real estate illegal drug scam in history.
You need something compelling like that to spice up the story.
3. Are the stakes clear?
No. The stake for David needs to be clear.
4. Is the dramatic clock ticking?
No. It does not feel dramatic.
5. Is there a clear subtext?
Subtext =dialog
No. The dialogue was hard to follow. It was not clear. The reader has to do a lot of thinking and figuring out to follow the story. It is not self-explaining.
7. Are there unexpected occurrences and conflicts that the protagonist must overcome?
Well, everything is so ordinary and typical.
8. Is there over explaining in the story?
No. Actually there is not enough explaining. What is going on?
9. Does my story continue to build to the climax?
Well, kind of but it doesn’t make sene. For instance that part where David’s boss’s daughter goes to his apartment, David dog collars her, she submits, and then the following scene got completely lost. The events just happened.
Explanation: I strongly suggest a rewrite, but first come up with a good compelling plot. This is a must have for a successful story. Now I assume your concept concerns a guy down on his luck in life gets involved in real estate scams to make money. This concept is fine. It just needs a compelling twist. We all know the real estate business is shady, but when people watch a movie about a real estate scam, they’ll want to see something out of the ordinary. Some sort of illegal situation that is different from ordinary scams we hear about. When people watch a movie, at least most people, they want to be entertained by something out of the ordinary.
Here is some information to read that can help you in the rewrite.
****************************************************************************
People keep emailing to ask me what a 'story beat' is.
It's a word I use all the time, and it's a word that people in the industry in the UK use all the time, and it's a word that can be a little bit slippery. It's very simple. A beat means 'Something That Happens'. But, a little like a fractal, a beat can be made up of other, smaller beats. Each of these smaller beats can be made up of other, even smaller beats, then on and on down, seemingly forever.
For example.
You could call each of these big story events a beat:
1. John is all alone.
2. John meets Jane.
3. John loses Jane.
4. John wins Jane back.
5. Wedding.
These are the main plot point making the story. You'd definitely talk at that level of detail when you are
sketching out the overall shape of a story. Later on, when you're happy that that part of your story definitely runs along those lines, you'd break those five down into more detail.
Look at beat 4. John wins Jane back. Let's break that down, into a component set of possible beats:
1. On his way to the match, John runs into Jane. She offers him a lift. Desperate to talk, he calls his friends, says he'll meet them later, and hops into Jane's car.
2. They row over his football obsession and she kicks him out of the car.
3. He's stranded. Middle of nowhere, no cabs to be seen.
4. He calls his friends - they're already inside the ground. He's going to have to make his own way there.
5. Desperate to get to the match, he flags down a passing bus.
6. But the bus is full of supporters of the opposing team. They see his team shirt, and close in on him to teach him a lesson.
7. He wakes up in bed in hospital - to find Jane there. She has been waiting by the bedside, terrified she will lose him.
8. He takes his chance, she proposes. The shock has shown her she can't live without him, and she accepts gladly.
And of course, to get to what you'd see on screen, you'd break each of those beats down even further, to yet another, even more detailed set of beats.
Look at beat 3, "He's stranded", and break it down into yet another set of beats:
1. John falls out the car, Jane zooms off.
2. He tries to flag down a passing car. No luck.
3. He realises there is a bus stop over the road. He runs - misses the bus, which zooms off without him.
4. John does a war dance of anger and stress.
5. He looks round. No more traffic in either direction.
6. He starts to walk.
So really, what's contained in a beat depends entirely on the level at which you are currently thinking about the story. The way I write involves a great deal of playing around with beats like this, working and reworking a master list of beats I call a beat sheet or more simple 'a scene by scene story outline'. Creating one allows you to visualize the story in sequence and play the whole story out in your head. Then move to writing the actual scenes and dialogue.
The reason for this more abstract work is that once I've committed to dialogue in a scene I tend to fall in love with the scene, and it becomes much harder to cut, reshape and generally chop the story around - all of which is essential if you're going to find the best possible version of your story.
Making A Compelling Main Conflict
What's the main conflict of your story? Is it a powerful force that engages the emotions of your reader or does it leave them feeling flat and let down?
THE MAIN CONFLICT is one of those areas where a minor improvement can often make a huge difference in the quality of the read. So it is well worth reconsidering that conflict. Let's see if we can make this easy. First, a definition.
CONFLICT:
1. Opposition between characters or forces in a work of drama or fiction, especially
opposition that motivates or shapes the action of the plot.
2. A state of disharmony between incompatible or antithetical persons, ideas, or
interests; a clash.
Basically, whatever your main character wants or needs most is opposed by some "incompatible person or interest" and your main character is motivated to action to fight for their goal/need.
In JOHN Q, John's son needs a heart transplant, but their HMO won't pay for it. John's need is to save his son's life. The opposition is an insurance company with a loop hole. That is the main conflict.
BTW, I'm not interested in debating the legality or morality of the situation. This is solely about focusing on the conflict of a screenplay.
First, notice how it is already a strong conflict. It has "opposition that motivates or shapes the action of the plot" in that John must take action or watch his son die. Second, notice the stakes -- not John's life, but his son's life. Third, notice the injustice that sets up "disharmony between incompatible interests," an insurance company that John has been paying who refuses to cover this important operation.
Finally, I won't tell you how the movie ends, but in the 2nd Act, John takes a hospital hostage and demands that they do the transplant. They took this to an interesting extreme that was born in the original conflict, but took it to a new level.
WHAT TO DO:
Since your main conflict is so important, you may want to try a variety of different ways to elevate it. Here are a few techniques you could use to turn an average conflict into an amazing one.
A. Raise the stakes: Increase the value of the conflict. What will be lost if the main character doesn't succeed? For John, it was his son's life. Other stakes could include love, money, property, respect, a lifestyle, a person's honor, family, a dream, a set of beliefs, etc.
Whatever it is, simply brainstorm new levels. A simple football game becomes the champion game. Add some gambling and suddenly, the entire town is on the edge of losing their savings if the team doesn't win. Want to take it farther? The quarterback is threatened with death if he loses. Etc.
B. Make the opposition more incompatible: When the antagonist is a group of terrorist, it is usually because the writer is trying to take the opposition to a completely incompatible edge. But you don't need a terrorist to do that. In fact, someone really close might do a much better job.
From an emotional point of view, it may be that a twin brother who was considered "perfect" by everyone, but had constantly berated and physically abused his brother, might be the best opposition.
In HAPPY GILMORE, Happy was opposed by Shooter McGavin, the top golfer, who was everything that Happy wasn't. As the media became more interested in Happy, Shooter got more hostile. When Happy actually learned to golf, Shooter hired a crazy guy to harass Happy. Shooters primary focus turned into getting Happy off of the golf tour, any way he could.
Remember, here you are just looking for incompatibility. Who would be the most incompatible with your protagonist? Find that person or group and you have added to your conflict.
C. Have us totally buy into the main character's goal or need: This is important. You need to sell us on the value of that goal or need. We need to see/hear/feel the goal/need. In KARATE KID, the new kid in school doesn't just want to take karate. If that was all it was, most likely, that movie would never have been made.
Instead, the writer has the bully's girlfriend become interested in Daniel. Then, the bully beats Daniel up in front of the girlfriend. If that isn't enough, the bully and four friends surround him in a field and begin beating him... until Mr. Miyagi steps in.
By then, we've bought into the need for Daniel to learn karate. Notice how we saw the need, heard the need, and felt the need.
D. Try on different extremes: Even if you've done the first three, brainstorm this one, also. Why? Because movies are about extreme situations. But, they don't all have to be life or death extremes...
John Q took the hospital hostage. Daniel agreed to fight the bully in a karate tournament in front of everyone. Happy Gilmore bet everything on his ability to beat the top golf professional.
You are simply looking for the best extreme that fits your story. Any one of those four methods can elevate an average conflict to an engaging conflict. But don't just take my word for it. Write down your main conflict and see if it is compelling. If it isn't compelling by itself, go to work using the four methods above to elevate it. You, and your readers, will be glad you did.
I hope this will help you out. I think the basic concept of your story is good. You just need to work on the story development. When you have time please send me your feedback on this critique. Happy writing.
Frances
read -
A review of The Many Missing of Hillsborough County (V.3)by brookline on 03/19/2012Critique for THE MANY MISSING OF HILLSBOROUGH COUNTY My name is Frances Beckham. I volunteered to critique the screenplay THE MANY MISSING OF HILLSBOROUGH COUNTY by John Kelley. After reading the critique, please send me your feedback. INTRODUCTION The first 10 to 15 pages of a script must do the following. 1. Hook the reader 2. Introduce the main characters 3. Introduce... Critique for THE MANY MISSING OF HILLSBOROUGH COUNTY
My name is Frances Beckham. I volunteered to critique the screenplay THE MANY MISSING OF HILLSBOROUGH COUNTY by John Kelley. After reading the critique, please send me your feedback.
INTRODUCTION
The first 10 to 15 pages of a script must do the following.
1. Hook the reader
2. Introduce the main characters
3. Introduce the plot
Following is a list of questions that the first 10 to 15 pages must answer.
1. Has the stage and environment been clearly set?
Yes. It is apparent the setting is modern. The main character, within the first 10 pages is sent the location where the story takes place.
2. Does the script open with a gripping event?
Yes. It does.
3. Does the script answer: Why is today different than any other day for the main character?
Yes. This occurs when the main character is arrested, expelled from school, and sent to live with his aunt, the town where his mother came up missing.
4. Is the story in progress?
Yes. It is.
5. Is there an event about to occur or that just occurred provocative enough for the reader to ask: what is going to happen next?
Yes.
6. Is it clear who the protagonist is and what his or her needs or desires are?
Yes. The protagonist is Cooper. He’s having emotional problems because of his mother’s absence. He needs piece of mind.
7. Has what is at stake for the protagonist been set up?
Yes. It appears Cooper’s piece of mind is at stake.
8. Have I presented or foreshadowed the antagonist and major conflict?
Yes.
9. Is the genre clear and consistent?
Yes. It is clear the genre is horror.
Explanation: It has been a while since I reviewed a horror script. When your script came up on assignment I decided to accept it after reading the log lines. After reading the first 10 pages I was hooked. Now I am going to read more.
*********************************************************************
STORY DEVELOPMENT
Following is a list of questions to answer after completing the script.
1. Does the script have a unique twist?
Yes. The twist of Copper’s Aunt and Uncle being the culprits is totally unexpected and it was logically.
2. Is the story compelling?
Yes. It was a page turner. Very easy to read and follow.
3. Are the stakes clear?
Yes.
4. Is the dramatic clock ticking?
Yes. The read does feel a sense of urgency and expectation in the scenes.
5. Is there a clear subtext?
Subtext =dialog
Yes. The dialog was well done. It is quick and focus. Its easy to understand. The tone is clear and consistent, and the characters’ personalities are expressed in the dialog. No one sounds alike.
7. Are there unexpected occurrences and conflicts that the protagonist must overcome?
Yes.
8. Is there over explaining in the story?
No. The events are unexpected and logical. Nothing is a big stretch on the imagination.
9. Does my story continue to build to the climax?
Yes.
Explanation: I really like your story concept. It is unique and very interesting. Everything was so unexpectant. The story could use a little more development in a few areas. You need to show Cooper’s growing curiosity in the old house. For a teenage boy such as Cooper there needs to be something more compelling to spur his interest in the old house. For instance in the introduction, within the first 10 pages, show Cooper having one of his dreams. In it he sees the creepy old house and his mother.
Also in the introduction show off his art skills by showing him drawing a sketch of the old house and his mother from his dream. His father sees his various sketches, doesn’t approve of his drawings, and tells him to focus on football. When Cooper gets to his Aunt and uncles house, the first thing that captures his attention is the old house. In his room he takes out his sketches and look at them and old house through his window. Cooper asks his uncle and aunt who lives in that old house and why they make so much noise. He tells Daisy about the house. Sometimes there’s loud music and sometimes there’s no music. He also tells Thad about the house.
As for Thad, I suspected he was the culprit from the start. He was so creepy to me. You did a good job of giving this impression. I have a suggestion for him. Perhaps let him live in a spooky looking house instead of an apartment. The house can be clean and dustless, a sign Thad is a neat freak. Cooper goes to Thad’s house for tutoring. Cooper starts getting strange thoughts about Thad. Thad keeps a room in his house locked. Cooper one day sneaks into Thad’s house and gets into the room. He sees murderous pictures, ropes, knives, and finds his journals. Thad comes in and catches him. Cooper runs to the police. Thad is arrested. Something like this would be more compelling. It would give more scene variety.
How does Herald know to get the right blood type for Maude? This needs to be addresses without giving any hint he is the villain. I suggest letting Herald be a hospital worker, not a doctor, something like an orderly, nurse, or records keeper. In a short scene without showing his identity, just show feet walking or give the sound of walking. Then show hands pulling a file off the shelf. The records open the audience and reader reads the record. It shows a person’s name and blood type. Then that person comes up missing. Just like you did the script, don’t show any indication Herald and Maude are involved in the kidnapings.
The script is 94 pages. The limit is 125 pages. So 31 additional pages can be added. All the scenes you have now you can keep. You just need to elaborate more on Cooper’s developing interest in the old house. Your train of thought for the story is good. Keep your ending and keep how Cooper discovers his aunt and uncle are the culprits.
When you have time feel free to send feedback on the review
Best Wishes,
Frances read -
A review of The Seventy Year Itch v2by brookline on 03/10/2012Critique for THE SEVENTY YEAR ITCH My name is Frances Beckham. I volunteered to critique the screenplay THE SEVENTY YEAR ITCH by Stephanie Jones. After reading the critique, please send me your feedback. INTRODUCTION The first 10 to 15 pages of a script must do the following. 1. Hook the reader 2. Introduce the main characters 3. Introduce the plot Following is a list of... Critique for THE SEVENTY YEAR ITCH
My name is Frances Beckham. I volunteered to critique the screenplay THE SEVENTY YEAR ITCH by Stephanie Jones. After reading the critique, please send me your feedback.
INTRODUCTION
The first 10 to 15 pages of a script must do the following.
1. Hook the reader
2. Introduce the main characters
3. Introduce the plot
Following is a list of questions that the first 10 to 15 pages must answer.
1. Has the stage and environment been clearly set?
Yes. The setting is modern. This is established by the mention of the skateboarder, hip hop music, and large number of seniors leaving the auditorium and getting on the bus. Another thing used to indicate time period is the sassy saucy personality portrayed in the dialog between Ceci and Bells.
2. Does the script open with a gripping event?
Yes. It does. The incident with the skate boarder in the park. It establishes Ceci and Bells character and personality and shows Bells touchiness about her age and her up coming birthday party.
3. Does the script answer: Why is today different than any other day for the main character?
Yes. Bells is having her 70th birthday and its bugging her. In the past, it appears she has always had to have birthday parties her daughter’s way, but this year Bells plans to do things her way.
4. Is the story in progress?
Yes. It is.
5. Is there an event about to occur or that just occurred provocative enough for the reader to ask: what is going to happen next?
Yes. Bells birthday party. She plans to make her big announcement.
6. Is it clear who the protagonist is and what his or her needs or desires are?
Yes. Bells.
7. Has what is at stake for the protagonist been set up?
Well, lets see. What is at stake for Bells can be able to celebrate her birthday the way she wants.
8. Have I presented or foreshadowed the antagonist and major conflict?
Well. There doesn’t appear to be an antagonist for this story.
9. Is the genre clear and consistent?
Yes. Comedy
I was hooked to the story, and I want to read more. As a young person (30ish) movies with seniors don’t interest me. However the way you introduced the plot and the main characters made me want to read more. This is good. Now I am going to read the rest of the script.
*********************************************************************
STORY DEVELOPMENT
Following is a list of questions to answer after completing the script.
1. Does the script have a unique twist?
Yes, sort of. Here two old ladies run off to learn how to sail a boat. They have some adventures at sea. I think this concept is fine. You just need to work more on the story. The adventures are stand alone. There needs to be some overwhelming plot issue, something to drive the story and make it unique.
For instance, when Bells and Ceci are at the port carrying their luggage and looking for Jed’s boat. In their hurry they bump into a group of men. They and the men drop their bags. The women accidentally pick up the men’s bag and the men accidentally pick up the women’s bag. Both bags are exactly alike. The bags lock with a key.
The men are jewel thieves and the bag they lost contain jewels. They cut open the bag (because the big boss’s key won’t fit). They find nothing but old lady stuff. The men set out to find Ceci and Bells. They see the address on the bag. They go to the retirement community they go to Sarah’s house. Sarah tells them Bells and Ceci went gambling. The men check. They can’t find the women. They discover that Ceci and Bells went sailing. The men go out to sea to look for the women and the bag of jewels. Unable to unlock the bag, Ceci and Bells don’t know they have the Jewels.
Sarah calls to tell her mother Sandie and some seedy guys came by the house looking for her. Before Sarah can finish Bells pretends to loose connection and hangs up the phone.
2. Is the story compelling?
The concept is compelling. More work needs to be done on the development.
3. Are the stakes clear?
Well. Not really. Want exactly is at stake for Bells and Ceci? What do they have to gain or lose?
4. Is the dramatic clock ticking?
No. Not really. There is a lack of the sense of urgency and expectation.
5. Is there a clear subtext?
Subtext =dialog
I think the dialog is the strength of the script. It was very well done. You have a good grip on writing the dialog and getting the characters to interact verbally.
7. Are there unexpected occurrences and conflicts that the protagonist must overcome?
Yes. There are.
8. Is there over explaining in the story?
No.
9. Does my story continue to build to the climax?
Well, it doesn’t really build to a climax. Events just happen without a build up. A build up creates feeling of suspense. It makes a reader wonder throughout the story will the main character over come the opposing force or problem.
The story concept is interesting. Pairing two old ladies, golden girl types, with a young man who acts as the responsible mature straight-man. The character development was well done. No one acts alike. You just need to work more on the story development. Think about the suggestions I made. You don’t have to use it exactly. It’s just meant as an example of having an overall main plot. Right now as the script is it has loosely connected subplots.
I don’t think you should cut out any of the scenes. They are all good. The script is 94 pages. The maximum length of a script is 125 pages. So you have 31 pages to add on. Your scenes’ length are good. They don’t lag and drag with boring details. You have good timing on when to start and end a scene. All you just need to do is work on the story development.
Here are some tips to help your rewrite:
People keep emailing to ask me what a 'story beat' is.
It's a word I use all the time, and it's a word that people in the industry in the UK use all the time, and it's a word that can be a little bit slippery. It's very simple. A beat means 'Something That Happens'. But, a little like a fractal, a beat can be made up of other, smaller beats. Each of these smaller beats can be made up of other, even smaller beats, then on and on down, seemingly forever.
For example.
You could call each of these big story events a beat:
1. John is all alone.
2. John meets Jane.
3. John loses Jane.
4. John wins Jane back.
5. Wedding.
These are the main plot point making the story. You'd definitely talk at that level of detail when you are
sketching out the overall shape of a story. Later on, when you're happy that that part of your story definitely runs along those lines, you'd break those five down into more detail.
Look at beat 4. John wins Jane back. Let's break that down, into a component set of possible beats:
1. On his way to the match, John runs into Jane. She offers him a lift. Desperate to talk, he calls his friends, says he'll meet them later, and hops into Jane's car.
2. They row over his football obsession and she kicks him out of the car.
3. He's stranded. Middle of nowhere, no cabs to be seen.
4. He calls his friends - they're already inside the ground. He's going to have to make his own way there.
5. Desperate to get to the match, he flags down a passing bus.
6. But the bus is full of supporters of the opposing team. They see his team shirt, and close in on him to teach him a lesson.
7. He wakes up in bed in hospital - to find Jane there. She has been waiting by the bedside, terrified she will lose him.
8. He takes his chance, she proposes. The shock has shown her she can't live without him, and she accepts gladly.
And of course, to get to what you'd see on screen, you'd break each of those beats down even further, to yet another, even more detailed set of beats.
Look at beat 3, "He's stranded", and break it down into yet another set of beats:
1. John falls out the car, Jane zooms off.
2. He tries to flag down a passing car. No luck.
3. He realises there is a bus stop over the road. He runs - misses the bus, which zooms off without him.
4. John does a war dance of anger and stress.
5. He looks round. No more traffic in either direction.
6. He starts to walk.
So really, what's contained in a beat depends entirely on the level at which you are currently thinking about the story. The way I write involves a great deal of playing around with beats like this, working and reworking a master list of beats I call a beat sheet or more simple 'a scene by scene story outline'. Creating one allows you to visualize the story in sequence and play the whole story out in your head. Then move to writing the actual scenes and dialogue.
The reason for this more abstract work is that once I've committed to dialogue in a scene I tend to fall in love with the scene, and it becomes much harder to cut, reshape and generally chop the story around - all of which is essential if you're going to find the best possible version of your story.
Making A Compelling Main Conflict
What's the main conflict of your story? Is it a powerful force that engages the emotions of your reader or does it leave them feeling flat and let down?
THE MAIN CONFLICT is one of those areas where a minor improvement can often make a huge difference in the quality of the read. So it is well worth reconsidering that conflict. Let's see if we can make this easy. First, a definition.
CONFLICT:
1. Opposition between characters or forces in a work of drama or fiction, especially
opposition that motivates or shapes the action of the plot.
2. A state of disharmony between incompatible or antithetical persons, ideas, or
interests; a clash.
Basically, whatever your main character wants or needs most is opposed by some "incompatible person or interest" and your main character is motivated to action to fight for their goal/need.
In JOHN Q, John's son needs a heart transplant, but their HMO won't pay for it. John's need is to save his son's life. The opposition is an insurance company with a loop hole. That is the main conflict.
BTW, I'm not interested in debating the legality or morality of the situation. This is solely about focusing on the conflict of a screenplay.
First, notice how it is already a strong conflict. It has "opposition that motivates or shapes the action of the plot" in that John must take action or watch his son die. Second, notice the stakes -- not John's life, but his son's life. Third, notice the injustice that sets up "disharmony between incompatible interests," an insurance company that John has been paying who refuses to cover this important operation.
Finally, I won't tell you how the movie ends, but in the 2nd Act, John takes a hospital hostage and demands that they do the transplant. They took this to an interesting extreme that was born in the original conflict, but took it to a new level.
WHAT TO DO:
Since your main conflict is so important, you may want to try a variety of different ways to elevate it. Here are a few techniques you could use to turn an average conflict into an amazing one.
A. Raise the stakes: Increase the value of the conflict. What will be lost if the main character doesn't succeed? For John, it was his son's life. Other stakes could include love, money, property, respect, a lifestyle, a person's honor, family, a dream, a set of beliefs, etc.
Whatever it is, simply brainstorm new levels. A simple football game becomes the champion game. Add some gambling and suddenly, the entire town is on the edge of losing their savings if the team doesn't win. Want to take it farther? The quarterback is threatened with death if he loses. Etc.
B. Make the opposition more incompatible: When the antagonist is a group of terrorist, it is usually because the writer is trying to take the opposition to a completely incompatible edge. But you don't need a terrorist to do that. In fact, someone really close might do a much better job.
From an emotional point of view, it may be that a twin brother who was considered "perfect" by everyone, but had constantly berated and physically abused his brother, might be the best opposition.
In HAPPY GILMORE, Happy was opposed by Shooter McGavin, the top golfer, who was everything that Happy wasn't. As the media became more interested in Happy, Shooter got more hostile. When Happy actually learned to golf, Shooter hired a crazy guy to harass Happy. Shooters primary focus turned into getting Happy off of the golf tour, any way he could.
Remember, here you are just looking for incompatibility. Who would be the most incompatible with your protagonist? Find that person or group and you have added to your conflict.
C. Have us totally buy into the main character's goal or need: This is important. You need to sell us on the value of that goal or need. We need to see/hear/feel the goal/need. In KARATE KID, the new kid in school doesn't just want to take karate. If that was all it was, most likely, that movie would never have been made.
Instead, the writer has the bully's girlfriend become interested in Daniel. Then, the bully beats Daniel up in front of the girlfriend. If that isn't enough, the bully and four friends surround him in a field and begin beating him... until Mr. Miyagi steps in.
By then, we've bought into the need for Daniel to learn karate. Notice how we saw the need, heard the need, and felt the need.
D. Try on different extremes: Even if you've done the first three, brainstorm this one, also. Why? Because movies are about extreme situations. But, they don't all have to be life or death extremes...
John Q took the hospital hostage. Daniel agreed to fight the bully in a karate tournament in front of everyone. Happy Gilmore bet everything on his ability to beat the top golf professional.
You are simply looking for the best extreme that fits your story. Any one of those four methods can elevate an average conflict to an engaging conflict. But don't just take my word for it. Write down your main conflict and see if it is compelling. If it isn't compelling by itself, go to work using the four methods above to elevate it. You, and your readers, will be glad you did.
I hope this will help you out. I think the basic concept of your story is good. You just need to work on the story development. When you have time please send me your feedback on this critique. Happy writing.
Frances
read -
A review of Lucidityby brookline on 01/13/2012CRITIQUE OF LUCIDITY I Frances Beckham volunteered to critique the script LUCIDTY by Alex Herrin. When you finish reading this critique please send me your feedback. INTRODUCTION The first 10 pages must do the following 1. Hook the reader 2. Introduce the main characters 3. Introduce the plot The following list of questions should be answered after reading the first 10 pages... CRITIQUE OF LUCIDITY
I Frances Beckham volunteered to critique the script LUCIDTY by Alex Herrin. When you finish reading this critique please send me your feedback.
INTRODUCTION
The first 10 pages must do the following
1. Hook the reader
2. Introduce the main characters
3. Introduce the plot
The following list of questions should be answered after reading the first 10 pages.
1. Has the stage and environment been clearly set?
Yes. An exact location is not stated, but that is okay. It is not needed for this story. The plot does not require a specific location. The time period is modern.
2. Does the script open with a gripping event?
Well, yes. The readers see the severity the incident had on the protagonist mind all the way to his adulthood to the point he considers killing himself. On his way to work he buys a dream catcher from a mysterious native American woman. When the protagonist is thinking about killing himself he gets a delivered note from the old woman telling him to use the dream catcher. The reader gets the impression something is going to happen.
4. Is the story in progress?
Yes. It is.
5. Is there an event about to occur or that just occurred provocative enough for the reader to ask: What’s going to happen next?
Yes. When Frank gets the note from the old woman.
6. Is it clear who the protagonist ?
Yes. Frank is the protagonist.
7.Has what is at stake been set up for the protagonist?
Yes. A peace of mind is at stake for Frank.
8. Has an antagonist and or major conflict been presented or foreshadowed?
Well. It appears there will not be a separate actual antagonist. For this kind of story the protagonist is also the antagonist or rather it is Frank’s emotional problems. There will most likely be a coming conflict. There usually is when someone tries to use supernatural means to improve their life.
9. Is the genre clear?
Yes. The reader sees the story is sifi.
Now I will continue reading. I am interested in reading more.
STORY DEVELOPMENT
1. Does the script have a unique twist?
After careful consideration I determined that the plot twist is Frank is from some other parallel world. Because he’s in the wrong world everything goes wrong for him. After he buys a dream catcher he gets sent to a medieval land where he has to win 3 battles to be sent to his right world.
After reading the script’s introduction, first 10 to 15 pages, I was expecting a more psychological sifi like story. Because of the dream catcher I was expecting something supernatura- like to occur. But it turned out to be something I did not expect.
2. Is the story compelling?
Well, it was not hooking. Not catching. It was hard to connect with Frank and any of the other characters. A reader should be able to connect and empathize with the protagonist and other characters even if the reader has absolutely nothing on common with them. This is accomplished by developing a compelling story and plot. This can be established early and clearly. Then as the story develops, form scene’s events and situations to support them and develop a resolution, answer to the problem get Frank to overcome his problem.
3. Are the stakes clear?
Well. What is at stake is at first it seems to be Franks piece of mind. Then later it’s Frank trying to get to his right dimensional world. If he loses the battles he’s stuck in his wrong dimension.
4. Is the dramatic clock ticking?
Well, not really. The reader does not feel a sense of urgency or expectation in the scenes. This is primarily do to the way the story is presented and do to its tone. The scenes in the script are long and mostly dialog. Since this is a sifi story there should be action. Too much time is spent on preparing for battle. Plus Frank is told what his battles are and prepares for them. This takes fun out of the challenge and the feeling of suspense and surprise. When a hero goes on his journey he does not know what’s going to happen ahead of time. This just suddenly happens. Another thing is everything occurs in one place there isn’t a real journey.
5. Is the subtext clear?
I think your ability to write dialog is good. The characters have their own voice and personality. More work just needs to be done on the plot it needs to be more compelling.
7. Are there unexpected occurrences and conflicts that the protagonist must overcome?
No, well, there is that time when the giant takes Madison.
8. Is there over-explaining in the story?
Well I guess this could not be considered over explaining, but I think too much attention was given to preparing and training Frank to fight. It’s more interesting seeing a person fight using his own weaknesses. For some stories training the hero for battle is fine, like in ROCKY or KARATE KID. But in the instance of your story its best to start the hero off weak and let him grow stranger physically and mentally. In the instance of your story it is best to start the hero off weak and let him grow stronger as the journey progresses and gets harder like in the movie NEVER ENDING STORY. I suggest watching this moving. I think it would be a good reference for you and your story. Take notes especially on the hero’s journey. You do something similar for your story, but on an adult level, but keep it at PG or PG-13.
9. Does the story continue to build to the climax?
Well, only when the giant takes Madison, but the scenes and events don’t really build up to climax. The reader just doesn’t get that feeling. This needs to be worked on.
DISCUSSION
Hear are all the notes randomly I made when reading the script:
In my opinion the story should take a more psychological theme. Change to a journey through his fear. This can appeal to everyone. We all have something we are afraid of. That is why horror movies are so popular. Give him three or four battles, each one greater than the other and harder then the other. Accomplishing each one unlocks a mystery and leads to his goal, something to resolve the cause of his emotional problem.
The main characters in the dream should be introduced early before the dream start, like in the WIZARD OF OZ. The Wizard was the man from the circus. The Witch of the West was the fussy woman. The lion, scarecrow, and tin woodsman were hired hands on Dorothy’s farm.
Computer program candy. Not compelling. Stick to the magic dream catcher. People like magic. It makes more of an impact on people.
There’s too much wait time “a fortnight” three days”. The action has to get going now. No time to train. No time for feast and banquets. No time to sleep. No time to train.
Too much time is spent on training. The story is stuck in training. Here’s page 45 and they’re still training.
Throughout the story Frank needs struggles that he only can over. There should be a single source. Some fear, a fright, some adult he was afraid of when he was a kid, a childhood bully, his little sisters kidnaping, the feeling guilt. Tie all this together.
Going from modern conscious to medieval setting just does not seem fitting. Need to work on a new setting. Something to fit Franks psychology. Something fantasy-like that will have a visual appeal.
There is not enough action. The dialog does not move the story. You feel stuck in one place.
The jousting is boring. It is too controlled.
Greg and Stephen and Frank are a good comedy trio but not quite right for the movie.
In the first 15 pages do the following:
Cut out the scenes of Frank just sitting and thinking. I get that you want the reader to see his emotional and mental state, but nothing is really happening. The only action is when he buys the dream catcher. There needs to be more engaging, hooking action as well as introducing main characters.
You should present Frank’s emotional and mental state through action. For example, begin the script with a dream of Frank and Madison walking home together at night. They walk pass Billy the bully’s big rich house. Frank sees Billy and big imposing scary looking father watching them from his porch. Billy sees Frank. He calls him names and throws rocks at him. It is clear Frank is scared the man and Billy.
Next scene, Frank notices a strange car following them. He and Madison run. They run through the park. They hear someone following them. They see a big dark figure a distance away. They run. Frank loses Madison’s hand and slides knocking his head on a rock. We hear Madison’s screams. Black out.
Next scene, frank wakes up. Its dark. He frantically calls for his sister and can’t find her. Then he wakes up in the present. It is a bad dream. He takes some pills. You don’t have to state what kind of pills. Just say pills. The reader would immediately know he has a problem from bad childhood experience.
Next scene, at work place big shoot Billy, the boss asks why isn’t Frank at work it’s past nine o’clock. Greg, Frank’s friend and co worker covers for him. He says he saw him. He’s just away from his desk. Frank comes running in with his bicycle helmet. Billy gets on him in front of everyone, shaming him. Then walks away smirking. Frank and Greg talk. Frank mentions his car is in the shop. Greg calls Billy an “asshole”. Frank sees Billy’s Father a distance away the older man glares at him as he walks into an office with the title “President”.
Next scene at work. Frank is on the elevator. Isabel enters she greets Frank. It shows he is attractive to her but he’s shy and does not want to show it
Next scene. Frank is in Stephens office a therapist friend. Frank tells he’s still having a hard time sleeping without pills. When he does sleep he’s still having nightmares about his sister. Stephen asks about his love life Frank says he hasn’t talked to Audrey. Stephen–“it’s over with her for 3 years. I’m talking about your love life now. Are you dating?” Frank “no”. Stephen-“”you need to let go of Audrey. As your friend and therapist you need to listen to me. Your problem is you’re too impressionable. When bad things happen you can’t go pass them. You fold up and run. You need to face your fears. You’re scared to start new relationships because you don’t want to get hurt. You feel guilty about your sister’s disappearance you still haven’t gotten over your fear of Billy and his dad.” This is the basic theme of the plot: Frank is not able to over come things that bother him. This can be established early using the examples. This need to be established as soon as possible in a catchy creative way. Then after the therapy session, have the scene where Frank buys the dream catcher.
Keep the giant in the story. He can be the villain constantly pursuing Frank through his dream. The giant should be someone in real life, someone related to the bully. He could be Billy’s father. Let him be a big man, in real life, and give him a distinctive physical trait like a scar on the back of his hand. In real life Frank works for Billy and his father’s company. Frank has always been afraid of Billy’s father, and Billy bullied him when they were kids. Billy’s father is a big man, and he and his son live in a huge older mansion surrounded by a tall gate.
In the story it eventually turns out that Billy’s father is the one who kidnaped Madison. Frank can discover this in his nightmarish dream. It is reveal through clues in the dream and Frank has to figure it out. In the dream at a critical point the Indian Woman appears to give Frank some words of wisdom and encouragement to Frank when he’s feeling weak and dejected hiding from the giant. Then in his dream, after gaining courage, Frank goes to face the giant. He fights the giant, but the audience does not see the giant’s face and never sees it through the movie. When Frank is having the fight with the giant he sees the scare on the back of the giant’s hand. It is identical to the scare on Billy’s Dad’s hand. Then Frank wakes up.
New scene. Frank wakes up in a hospital. He knows where to find his sister. Stephen and Greg are there in the room. Frank wonders where is he. They say he’s been unconscious for several days. They found him in his apartment on the floor unconscious. Frank tells them he saw Madison. He knows where she is. He says the giant has her. He has her in his house. He’s got to go save her. His friends hold him down and say he’s delirious, but he keeps insisting he has to go to the “Giant’s House”. He grows exited. A nurse puts him out with a sedative.
Next Scene: Stephen enters the room and finds Greg bound and gagged on the floor. Greg tells Stephen Frank went to get his sister from the giant’s house. Stephen recalls Frank referring to Billy’s dad as a giant.
Next scene: Frank busts into Billy’s house brandishing a gun. Billy’s father is home. Frank-“Where’s Madison.” Billy’s dad pretends not to know. Frank makes him go to the basement. They go to a secret compartment there. Like a room. Frank kicks away a rug exposing a door (he knew about this whole place from his dream) He tells Billy’s dad to open it. The man pulls out the keys and open it. Frank calls Madison’s name. A pitiful woman, pale, and thin and resembling Madison as a child, comes out. She recognizes and runs to Frank.
She sees billy with a bat behind Frank and shouts out. Billy and Frank fight. Frank pushes him down on his father.
Frank and Madison run out the basement. The lights go out in the house. Billy and his father chase Frank and Madison through the house. Every door and window is locked. The glass can’t break. They are chased upstairs.
Frank and Madison hide in the house. Madison tells Frank she’s been lonely and scared all those years. She always hoped he would come to get her. She’d dream he’d come to get her and all she had was a little dream catcher he gave her a long time ago the night they were going home and she was kidnaped. Back then he had bought it from the same old Indian woman who sold him the dream catcher after he left Stephan’s office. Madison takes out the dream catcher and shows it to Frank. It is the same one Frank had at home.
Frank is attacked by Billy’s dad who suddenly appears. They fight. Frank pushes him over the stair banister. He falls to his death.
Billy has a gun on Madison. Frank surrenders. Billy pushes Madison at Frank. Billy insults Frank. Calls him names. Says he always hated him. He cocks the gun to shoot them. Then He is shot dead by the police. Police men are downstairs with Greg and Stephan. Greg and Stephan run upstairs to hug Frank and Madison.
Next scene: Frank is out shopping with Madison at the store. They meet Isobel. (Isobel does not appear in the dream. This is her second appearance in the movie. But Ashley appears in the dream. Frank has to over come her) Isobel is nice to Madison. Madison is a bit shy but happy to see her. Madison looks at Frank and can tell he likes Isobel. Madison invites Isobel to have dinner with them. Madison gives Frank an encouraging smile. Frank insists and invites Isobel to dinner. Isobel accepts. The end.
This was just some notes and suggestions I made while reading the script and after I finished it. You can use them to help come up with ideas. The basic concept for the story is good. It just needs more work. I encourage you to work on it some more. You will have to do several rewrites. I had to rewrite a script I recently completed 7 times before I got it right.
After you finish your critique please send me your feed back
read -
A review of August Grassby brookline on 11/21/2011Hi, my name Frances Beckham. I volunteered to critique the script AUGUST GRASS by Ken Zelenakas. After reading the critique, feel free to send me feed back. INTRODUCTION The first 10 pages of a script must do the following: 1) Hook the reader 2) Introduce the protagonist 3) Introduce the plot After reading the first 10 pages I stopped to answer the... Hi, my name Frances Beckham. I volunteered to critique the script AUGUST GRASS by Ken Zelenakas. After reading the critique, feel free to send me feed back.
INTRODUCTION
The first 10 pages of a script must do the following:
1) Hook the reader
2) Introduce the protagonist
3) Introduce the plot
After reading the first 10 pages I stopped to answer the following questions.
1. Has the stage and environment been clearly uniquely set?
The exact location is not known, but the reader knows the setting is in the US and the time period is modern and recent. An exact location is not necessary at this point.
2. Does the script open with a gripping event?
Yes. The drunken head coach of a losing football team is fired.
3. Does the script answer: Why is today different than any other day for the main character?
Yes. There is a build up giving the reader the idea that Jim will become the head of the Gunners.
4. Is the story in progress?
Yes. The plot is immediately set.
5. Is there an event about to occur or that just occurred provocative enough for the reader to ask: what’s going to happen next?
Yes. In the scene on page 8 an application folder for Jim is given to Dylan.
6. Is it clear who the protagonist is?
Yes. The protagonist is Jim.
7. Has what is at stake for the protagonist been set up?
Well, Jim loves football, and the Gunners is his favorite football team, but it is a looser team. He wants to see it become a winner.
8. Has the antagonist and or major conflict been foreshadowed?
Well. There doesn’t seem to be a antagonist. The story, the way it is presented, does not give the reader indication there will be an in bodied antagonist. It seem there will be a major conflict or perhaps one major conflict (1) the anticipated big game the reader naturally expects from this genre.
9. Is the genre clear and consistent?
Yes. It is clear this is a sport drama.
The pace so far is rapid, which is good. The plot is introduced immediately. The reason for firing the drunken coach need to be more compelling. For instance, there could be the threat of losing financial sponsors if the team does not start winning. The gunners could also be in debt. Dylan is desperate to get a new coach but he is constantly turned down. In a quick short scene show Ron sneaking a file of Jim on Dylan’s desk. In the folder there’s info about Jim’s strong winning record coaching his high school team. Since he can’t attract any other coach Dylan decides to settle for Jim. Something like this gives a logical more compelling reason.
STORY DEVELOPMENT
1. Does the plot have a unique twist?
No. The basis of the plot is Jim works as a high school football coach. He’s a devote Gunner fan. The Gunners is a loser team, but it has been Jim’s dream to coach it. His dream comes true when he’s called to coach the Gunners, because the original coach fails to bring them to win games. With Jim as coach the Gunners win their first championship game. This plot is rather ordinary. In real life there are loser ball teams. The poor preforming coaches are fired and new coaches are hired. The team has to grow accustomed to the new coach. The whole story of the script is apart from real life. There is no twist to the story. It is ordinary.
2.Is the story compelling?
No. Sorry to say, but my mind began to wonder while reading the script. Pass page 10 it failed to reach my expectations. It needs some compelling, unique, situations that set the story apart from what ordinarily happens with a loser football team and its new coach. Think about the old Disney movie where a strong kicking mule named Gus and his loser in life owner is recruited to play for a failure of a football team. The mule, Gus, is the one who bring the team to the super bowl. All his owner does is hold the ball and tells Gus to kick, but the opposing team kidnaps him before the big team. He’s found and brought to the game to do his winning kick, but Gus pretends to be sick on the field, it’s left to the owner to run the winning touchdown. This is an example of making an ordinary football story compelling. The name of the movie is GUS (1976). Check this movie out for reference.
Another thing is when one reads the script you get the feeling you’re listening to the play by play being described on the radio. It’s no different from watching a football game on ESPN. This was boring.
4. Is the dramatic clock ticking?
No. Not really. The story is just so ordinary. Again I must say that a unique plot is needed to set the story apart. For instance in the script, the reason why Jim is called to be the new coach is because his file got mixed up with other possible coaches and because the Gunners is a losing team. The reason needs to be more compelling. For instance, raise the stake on the Gunners. If they don’t win the championship, they’ll lose their sponsors and be dissolved. No more Gunners. The owner desperately searches for a new coach but all of the professional coaches they call turn them down. Jim applies for the job. He’s chosen because of his success as a high school football coach and because they just can’t get anyone else. Raise the stake on Jim by giving him a rival coach of another football team that is successful. The coach knows Jim from way back, perhaps from the war. They were always rivals. The rival coach heads a successful team that has won the championship for the pass 3 or 4 years. He, overconfidently, calls Jim to taunt him. Jim vows to win the championships. The rival makes a bet that if he wins Jim has to give up something that he values, like an old classic car that Jim treasures. The rival coach’s team and the Gunners will ultimately face each other in the championship. Throughout the story the rival coach and Jim contact each other by phone. The coach constantly taunts Jim all the way to the championships. Something along this line would be good.
5. Is there a clear subtext?
Well. The manner in which the characters speak their personalities. I think you have a good handle on writing dialog. You just need to work on the plot.
7. Are there unexpected occurrences and conflicts that the protagonist must overcome?
Well. Jim needs to get his team working together and ready to play. Then there is Ron and Lyle working to sabotage the team, but that’s about it. The conflicts need to be more compelling, show poor playing, show how bad of a team the gunners are. Show members on the practice field fighting each other. Even having the Gunners fight each others during an actual game. Show them disrespecting Jim because he’s a high school coach. Make it so that it appears it’s impossible for Jim to coach them. Then something happens to get them to come around to him. For instance, on their way to a game or from a losing game the bus gets in an accident, but no one gets killed, yet Jim gets injured trying to help save the life of the most obnoxious player.
8. Is there over explaining in the story?
No.
9. Does the story continue to build to the climax?
No. The story needs to be more compelling for that to happen.
CHARACTERS
2. Does the main character have a goal?
Yes. Jim wants to coach the Gunners and make them a winning team.
3. Are the characters’ journeys clear and compelling?
No. There needs to be situations and events to make Jim’s and the Gunner’s journeys compelling.
4. What are the obstacles the main characters must over come?
Lyle and Ron are obstacles. You should also give Jim a personal obstacle, like his new coaching job could be a stress on his marriage.
10. Will an audience identify — and empathize — with my main character (s)?
If you make the story more compelling put in more twists and conflicts. I think the story could appeal to a wide range of people.
From page 61 to page 68 there is a repeat of pages. You’ll want to correct this. I think more work needs to be done to enhance the story. The key is make it more compelling. When you have time feel free to send me feedback on my review.
Frances Beckham read -
A review of Harmonyby brookline on 10/31/2011CRITIQUE OF HARMONY My name is Frances Beckham. I have volunteered to critique the script HARMONY by Nick Keller. When you have time, please send me feedback on the critique. Feedback from writers help me write better critiques. INTRODUCTION The first 10 pages of a script must do the following 1. Hook the reader 2. Introduce the protagonist 3. Introduce the plot Following... CRITIQUE OF HARMONY
My name is Frances Beckham. I have volunteered to critique the script HARMONY by Nick Keller. When you have time, please send me feedback on the critique. Feedback from writers help me write better critiques.
INTRODUCTION
The first 10 pages of a script must do the following
1. Hook the reader
2. Introduce the protagonist
3. Introduce the plot
Following is a list of questions the first 10 pages must answer.
1. Has the stage and environment been set?
The time period is modern. It does not exactly tell the location. It was not until way past page 10 when I learned the protagonist is in Afghanistan.
2. Does the script open with a gripping event?
No. Gripping events are what hook the reader. They tell why that particular time in the character’s life is different from any other time in his or her life. They start the plot, get things going. Think about the movie PLACE IN THE HEART. The plot and story got going right within the first 10 pages when the young black man shoot and killed the protagonist’s husband. Then right away the issue about keeping the property and paying the bank. You need to come up with a gripping event for your introduction.
3. Does the script answer: Why is today different than any other day for the main character?
No. Everything seems ordinary.
4. Is the story in progress?
Well. At this point it is hard to tell what the story is exactly about or will be about. There is a hint that it has something to do with a murderer, but it is not clear what type of murderer.
5. Is there an event about to occur or that just occurred provocative enough for the reader to ask: what’s going to happen next?
Well, there is the beheading video, but it does not do the job. It just is not compelling.
6. Is it clear who the protagonist is and what his or her needs or desire is?
Yes. The protagonist is David. His needs are not know.
7. Has what is at stake for the protagonist been set up?
No.
8. Has the antagonist and/ or major conflict been presented or foreshadowed?
Well, I get the impression it has something to do with a murderer. I got the impression the terrorist who did the beheading are the antagonist.
9. Is the genre clear and consistent?
The genre is hard to determine at this point. Usually a reader can tell within the first 10 pages.
STORY DEVELOPMENT
1. Does the script have a unique plot twist?
It’s kind of hard to see the plot twist. I gathered the twist could be David and the terrorist gaining an understanding of each other. But this plays a small roll in the story. Basically, the story is pretty ordinary. It is not any different from what we hear in the news.
2. Is the story compelling? Is it a page turner?
No. Absolutely not. Sorry. It was not a pager turner. However, it can be made compelling by making the story unique. You have to come up with a plot that’s out of the ordinary. For instance, instead the UN, US, and terrorists could be after something rare and valuable – not oil — perhaps gold mines. The war is just a front.
I suggest doing some reading on ancient Iraq stories and Afgan stories. Look for something relating to treasure, kings, warriors spirits, and work it all into a unique story, tying in the war on terror. To put in an extra twist, let the terrorist be the one trying to protect the great secret treasure because the treasure is cursed and would reek havoc on the world if brought out to the open. David could be an important person who does not know he’s being used by US government. When he learns the truth, he works to help the terrorist. A plot such as this is an example of being unique and compelling.
3. Are the stakes clear?
As the story goes now, yes. David’s life is at stake.
4. Is the dramatic clock ticking?
Well, yes, but the scenes are boring, and dragging. They move slow.
5. Do I have a clear subtext?
Subtext = dialog
I think the dialog is weak. It doesn’t lead the story and its too wordy, way too wordy.
7. Are there unexpected occurrences and conflicts that the protagonist must overcome?
Yes.
8. Is there over explaining in the story?
Yes. In the dialog there is way too much explaining in the dialog which make it long and boring. You kept explaining in dialog what the character will do and what action they take. For instance, this is done when a US government character plans and explains the strategy for storming the hotel. This is unnecessary. Just show the soldier storm in the hotel. Think about the DIE HARD movies.
9. Does the story continue to build to the climax?
Yes, but more work needs to be done on the story.
This script was hard to get through. The flow is dragging. Nothing unique and extraordinary. There is nothing that sets this terror story different from what we see and hear in the news. The bonding between David and the terrorist is not compelling enough. You need to come up with a plot. You can use the war on terror as a back drop and support for the story, but you need an over whelming compelling plot for it to support. Movies about war on terror usually do not do well, but if you kick the story up a notch, I think you could have something. Think back on the INDIANA JONES movie. Recall how the Nazis and others were after the treasure.
Another thing you need to work on is the dialog. You need to reduce the wordiness and balance it with the scenes and descriptions. Read scripts that were made into movies. Go to www.simplyscripts.com, www.dailyscript.com, or www.imsdb.com to download movie scripts to read. The downloads are free.
I can’t think of anything else. What I wrote is what stood out the most to me. There are some formatting mistakes, but they are miner. What really needs more work is the story and plot development. Please send me feed back when you have time.
Frances read -
A review of The House of Xby brookline on 10/09/2011CRITIQUE HOUSE OF X My name is Frances Beckham. I volunteered to do a critique review of the film script THE HOUSE OF X for the writer Damian Peter Ramsajan. Read the critique carefully. Then when you have time, please send me feedback of my review. Writer’s feedback helps me write better critiques. Make suggestions on what you think a review should mention in the critiques... CRITIQUE HOUSE OF X
My name is Frances Beckham. I volunteered to do a critique review of the film script THE HOUSE OF X for the writer Damian Peter Ramsajan. Read the critique carefully. Then when you have time, please send me feedback of my review. Writer’s feedback helps me write better critiques. Make suggestions on what you think a review should mention in the critiques.
INTRODUCTION
The first 10 pages in a script must do the following.
1) hook the reader
2) introduce the protagonist
3) introduce the plot
Following is a list of questions the first 10 pages must answer.
1. Has the stage and environment been clearly set?
Yes. The actions in the introduction indicate that the story is not present and not past. It appears the story is futuristic.
2. Does the script open with a gripping event?
Yes.
3. Does the script answer: Why is today different than any other day for the main character?
The introduction begins with a series of events that seem to be happening over a period of time. Parents are dying, leaving children. So instead of the day being different, it is the time being different.
4. Is the story in progress?
Well, for the story to be in progress, the plot has to be presented. The reader has to get an idea of the purpose of the story and the direction will take some twists and turns to surprise the reader as the story develops. After I read the first 10 pages I had a hard time trying to figure out what the story is about. A series of events show dead parents and people being killed. The reader picks up the circumstances surrounding the deaths and killings is somehow related to children, but why? There should be an answer of why this is happening in the introduction. Obviously the reason is related to the plot.
5. Is there an event about to occur or that just occurred provocative enough for the reader to ask: What’s going to happen next?
Yes. The events in the introduction are provocative. They just don’t answer “why?”, but the events do make a reader want to read further.
6. Is it clear who the protagonist is and what his or her needs or desires is?
Jonathan is the protagonist, but his needs and desires are not known. In the introduction he is a young child and his personality is passive. Although he is shown to be the protagonist, surrounding events in the introduction have minimal focus on him; however, an attempt to offset this is done by allowing him to act as narrator.
7. Has what is at stake for the protagonist been set up?
No.
8. Has the antagonist and or major conflict been presented?
No.
9. Is the genre clear and consistent?
Yes.
There was a lot of action in the first 10 pages. The action itself is a hook; however, the reader does not get what the plot will be about. The big question that needs to be answered is “why?” . It should be answered in the following 5 pages at least. Now I will begin to read further.
STORY DEVELOPMENT
1. Does the script have a unique plot twist?
Yes. This is the basic concept of the story that I understand. Adults around the world suddenly drop dead from a mysterious high tech virus created by the Russians who plan to take over the world. Doc, a high tech scientist gathers a group of children to teach them his fighting simulation secrets that the Russians are after.
2. Is the story compelling?
Well, it is a bit hard to follow and understand. It’s hard to figure out what the plot is about.
3. Are the stakes clear?
Well, what seems to be at stake for the main characters are their lives and protecting Doc’s high tech fighting simulation.
4. Is the dramatic clock ticking?
Yes, but at the same time there’s a lack of clarity. I also think the fighting scenes were too detail.
5. Is the subtext clear? Subtext = dialog
I think you have a good handle on dialog writing. The characters don’t over talk and they don’t wonder off subject.
7. Are there unexpected occurrences and conflicts that the protagonist must overcome?
Yes. There are.
8. Is there over-explaining in the story?
No. However there is just a problem with Clarity. For instance the Russians want to take over the world, but there are no Russian soldiers present after the adults die out. Just gangs of teens.
9. Does the story continue to build to the climax?
Yes. It does.
I have completed reading the script. First I will comment on the strengths.
(1) the dialog gives the characters a natural voice. It does not wonder nor go off subject. The characters do not over speak.
(2) the action and description paragraphs are concise and to the point.
I think you need to work on the plot some more. First of all since the story is futuristic you should consider using a different nation name instead of Russia, for political correctness purposes. Use a different name, the name of some new superpower nation in the future. When the script begins the very first line should be the futuristic year the story begin in like 2100 or 3050.
In the introduction, take away Jonathan’s narration dialog. It slows the action down and does not really explain anything.
There is not an understanding of why the adults were dying. It would be good to give this information in my opinion, in a creative catchy way.
For instance, the opening scene is a news report of adults dying all over the world from some mysterious cause, but they don’t know what it is. This results in a growing number of orphans. Show in the introduction, a person making news talking against using cell phones. He says it’s a conspiracy of the futuristic nation your going to rename. The man’s claims the nation is sending all over the world deadly waves through the cell phone. People who use the cell phone for an extended period of time will die. Show this person being interviewed and ridiculed on FOX News. Then in a following scene show him being shot dead by some unseen person. Have a scene of Doc reading about the man’s death in the paper. He looks over at a picture of himself and the man together smiling faces. Also show Hershley and Christina’s Grandfather in the picture.
Since the Russians - change the name - succeed in killing off the adults. They need to show a presence all over the world as in soldiers and big guns. Raiding houses, enslaving and killing. Give them big bad vehicles. People hide from them. The new world ruler is searching for the house of x to get the Doc’s technology.
Doc’s invention that the villain, antagonist is after is some high tech fighting simulation, something to train and empowers the body. I think the simulation training scenes slow story and should be deleted. You could make things more compelling if Doc’s invention was some high tech , high power mecha machine people can get in or fighting body suits. Jonathan and Kyle find the secret chamber full of mecha machines or fighting body suits. The villain has fighting suits too, but not as powerful. Jonathan has the most powerful suit.
Let the plot tie the Doc’s invention to defeating the nation that caused the virus that killed the adults. When Jonathan defeats the antagonist, let the evil nation get defeated as well. The world would be free.
CHARACTERS
1. Are the characters unique?
Yes. They are presented as individuals with their own personalities.
2.Do the main characters have goals?
Yes.
3. Are the characters journeys clear?
Yes.
4. Do the main characters have obstacles they must overcome?
Yes.
13. Is the antagonist strong?
Yes. In your script you showed scenes of the antagonist planning, plotting, and scheming. They were done well. In the first one you should provide more of an explanation why the antagonist wants to defeat the house of x and get docs technology. There needs to be more clarity in this respect.
I think the flow of the script is rapid and easy to read. There just needs to be clarity in what I mentioned before. The formatting is correct. There are some typos and punctuation errors there out the script. Please seed me feedback when you have time.
read -
A review of The Big Paybackby brookline on 09/22/2011My name is Frances Beckham. I volunteered to read and critique your script THE BIG PAYBACK. Following is the critique. Please read it carefully. When you finish please send me your feedback on the review. I like to here from writers telling me their thoughts on my work. The first 10 pages of the script serves three purposes. (1) hook the reader (2) introduce the protagonist... My name is Frances Beckham. I volunteered to read and critique your script THE BIG PAYBACK. Following is the critique. Please read it carefully. When you finish please send me your feedback on the review. I like to here from writers telling me their thoughts on my work.
The first 10 pages of the script serves three purposes.
(1) hook the reader
(2) introduce the protagonist
(3) introduce the plot
Following is a list of questions that should be answered by the first 10 questions.
1. Has the stage and environment been clearly set?
Yes. The reader gets the impression the story is in a modern urban setting, Los Angeles CA.
2. Does the script open with a gripping event?
Yes. A group of robbers who have just pulled off a heist are being chased by the police.
3. Does the script answer: Why is today different than any other day for the main character?
Yes. The robbers are getting away with a big multi million dollar heist, but they turn on Mike, leaving him behind to take the wrap.
4. Is the story in progress?
Yes.
5. Is there an event about to occur or that just occurred provocative enough for the reader to ask: What’s going to happen next?
Yes. Mike is sentence to serve time in prison, but the others are off scott free.
6. Is it clear who the protagonist is and what his or her needs or desires are?
Yes. Mike is the protagonist. He needs to get revenge on his robber buddies (I guess they cannot be called buddies.)
7. Has what is at stake for the protagonist been set up?
Yes. What is at stake for Mike is having to be locked up in jail and carry the whole responsibility for the robbery.
8. Has the antagonist and major conflict been presented or foreshadowed?
Yes. The antagonist would be Carter. The reader would expect an eventual confrontation between Mike and him.
9. Is the genre clear and consistent?
Yes. The reader can clearly see the script is a Comedy. The comedy is seen through out the script. In every scene.
The story got off at a good start, and the opening action and dialog was well placed and well timed. The introduction did hook me, and I am interested in reading more. I want to find out how will Mike pay back the others.
STORY DEVELOPMENT
1. Does the script have a unique plot twist.?
Yes. As the story goes Mike is left behind by his robber buddies to take the rap for a big bank heist. After 5 years of prison Mike goes to get his revenge. The movies of this type are usually very serious and grim, but the comedy in the script made the story unique. The story took twists and turns that were completely unexpected in these type of stories.
2. Is the story compelling and a page turner?
Yes. The pace was rapid and well timed. The script was easy to read and flowed clearly. There are a number of typos that need to be corrected, but the story was so interesting I was able to over look them.
3.Are the stakes clear?
Well, let’s see. What is at stake for Mike, Jeff, Tiffany, and Carter? They are all intertwined together because the robbery is the cause of their successes and failures. For Mike he did not benefit from the robbery. He wants revenge. So what can be said to be at stake for him is closure and a peace of mind. Also he could be sent back to prison. For Jeff and Tiffany, they both did well after the robbery. They have their own businesses and happy families. Their families do not know about the bank robbery. So their reputations and possible freedom and life can be at stake for them. For Carter. He became wealthy, and got involved in organized crime and control over the LAPD. So what is at stake for him is losing his empire.
4. Is the dramatic clock ticking?
Well, yes, but it is not intense because of the comedy. The comedy creates a relaxed sense about the story. The comedy enhances the story. It strengthens the hook and the development.
5. Is the subtext clear?
Yes. Subtext = dialog.
The dialog was very well done. It was so easy to read and understand. The way the comedy and seriousness was expressed in the dialog. The dialog in this script was very refreshing after reading so many scripts.
7. Are there unexpected occurrences and conflicts that the protagonist must overcome?
Yes. This was well done too.
8. Is there over-explaining in the script?
No. Everything happened and was revealed in a timely manner.
9. Does the story build to a climax?
Yes.
The story is well developed. I can tell a lot of work was done on it. There are some areas where some extra work can be done. For instance, why does Jeff and Tiffany have to help Mike? They could just kill him. Now don’t mistake me for being insensitive for saying this. But Mike is black and has been in jail. Tiffany and Jeff are white and have built up their lives. They got their share of the money with no strings attached no involvement with Carter. In fact they and Carter are on good terms. When Mike comes around, all they have to do is contact Carter. Carter could get rid of him in an instant, and all would be well.
Another thing to consider is the racial aspect. Unfortunately, in American society Mike just does not matter. He’s not a real person and his life has no value. That is common knowledge around the world. That is just how black Americans are treated. So why should Jeff and Tiffany care about Mike. They went along with Carter in the first place. So you need to put something at stake for Jeff and Tiffany. They need some personal reason that is very strong and very compelling to help Mike. The reason could be that over the years Carter has been blackmailing them, forcing them to pay him money. He threats to do harm to their families if they refuse to pay him. So they pay, but their families do not know. Mike, Tiffany, and Jeff have all been wronged by Carter. So they join together to contact the FBI.
The way Mike first met Carter was a bit too coincidental. I suggest thinking of another way. Instead perhaps let Mike go to Carter’s house. Carter has the police to take him away. Then while he’s in the police car Jeff sees him when the car goes by. That’s when Jeff goes at the car and rescue Mike. Then Mike comes up with the idea to work with the FBI.
Instead of meeting the FBI in a car, let Mike, Tiffany, and Jeff go to the FBI office. Use the same dialog Mike has with the FBI agent when the agent is in the car.
CHARACTERS
1. Are all of the characters unique?
Yes. The dialog did very well in showing their uniqueness. They each had their own voice and their personalities were expressed in their dialog.
2. What is the main character’s goal in the story?
Mike’s goal is to get revenge on Carter. Jeff and Tiffany really do not have goals. They are just living off the fruits of their crime. They need a goal or reason to help Mike, not just out of the goodness of their hearts. That is way I suggest letting Carter blackmail the two and have them paying him money to pay the Russians for the help the Russians gave with money laundering. Money laundering would have been involved. I learned that when a substantial amount of money is stolen from the bank, the serial numbers of the stolen money is put on a radar to track where it is being spent. So to avoid being tracked down the robbers pay crooks who are usually in the banking or casino industry to help them ‘clean’ the money by (1) exchanging the stolen money (dirty money) the money whose serial numbers are on radar with clean money. An interest rate or fee is charged per dollar (2) The stolen money just sits in hidden storage for 5 to 6 years ( this is how long the stolen money serial numbers is kept on radar) this is money laundry. This info can help in creating stakes of Jeff and Tiffany.
3. Are the characters journeys clear and compelling?
Yes.
13. Is there a strong antagonist?
Yes, but you need to make Carter stronger. There needs to be some sort of action, something current as part of the main characters’ current life. Like collecting blackmail money. Also to put more pressure on Jeff and Tiffany, let Carter increase the blackmail money they must pay. This puts stress on them, their business, and the relationship with their families. Carter even threatens their lives if they do not pay.
I really enjoyed reading the script. It was well written and interesting. It just needs some extra work in giving a reason for Jeff and Tiffany to help Mike. You need to raise the stakes on them. The formatting is correct. There was quite a lot of typos. I advise doing another rewrite. After you get the content just the way you want it, then correct your typos. Read carefully. They can slip by.
Please send me feedback on my critique. Feedback helps me give better reviews. Leave a comment on my member page.
Best wishes,
Frances
read -
A review of VODKA BOREALISby brookline on 09/15/2011Critique VODKA BOREALIS INTRODUCTION The first 10 pages must do the following: 1. Hook the reader 2. Present the protagonist 3. Present the plot Following is a list of questions the reader should be able to answer after reading the first 10 pages. 1. Has the stage and environment been clearly set? Yes. We know the story is set in modern times. Although it is not clearly stated... Critique VODKA BOREALIS
INTRODUCTION
The first 10 pages must do the following:
1. Hook the reader
2. Present the protagonist
3. Present the plot
Following is a list of questions the reader should be able to answer after reading the first 10 pages.
1. Has the stage and environment been clearly set?
Yes. We know the story is set in modern times. Although it is not clearly stated exactly where. But the reader gets the impression the story is set in the US.
2. Does the script open with a gripping event?
Yes. When Gramps sees the vodka ad he immediately gets started his journey to save the world. He runs away from the nursing home.
3. Does the script answer: Why is today different than any other day for the main character?
Yes. This question is answered immediately. For years every day Gramps has been waiting for the secret sign about the missile launch. It finally come in the newspaper ad.
4. Is the story in progress?
Yes.
5. Is there an event about to occur or that just occurred provocative enough for the reader to ask: What’s going to happen next?
Yes. Gramps runs away from the nursing home, and there is the scene where there is a gloved hand and someone listening surveillancing Gramps. This signals to the reader there is something to Gramps’ claims.
6. Is it clear who the protagonist is and what his or her needs or desire is?
Yes. Gramps is the protagonist. He has the chance to prove himself a hero and the stories he has been telling his children and grandchildren are true.
7.Has what is at stake for the protagonist been set up?
Yes. The lives of everyone is at stake if Gramps does not go through with the mission.
8. Has the antagonist or major conflict been foreshadowed?
Yes.
9. Is the genre clear and consistent?
Yes.
I read the first 10 pages and then stopped to answer the questions. I was hooked after reading. They give the reader an idea of what to expect from the story. Now I will continue reading the script.
STORY DEVELOPMENT
1. Does the script have a unique plot twist?
Yes. The plot twist is Gramps is a secret government agent. He receives a secret government message that the Russians are going to fire a missile that will hit the area. It is up to him to gather the needed materials to activate the missile defense to destroy the Russian missile. He has the support of his grandchildren but his daughter and son in law think he’s crazy.
2. Is the story compelling?
Yes. The concept is unique and interesting. The story in its present form is catching. I did not grow bored reading it.
3. Are the stakes clear?
Yes. What is at stake is the safety of the United States. If Gramps does not complete the mission the nation will be destroyed.
4. Is the dramatic clock ticking?
Well, not quite hard enough. More work needs to be done in this respect. There was a sense of urgency and expectation. It just needs to be intensified and made more compelling. For instance, the list of things Gramps has to collect is too long. It should be reduced to 3 important things that are unique and out of production. He has to travel across country to get them.
Allow the grandchildren, Alex, Caleb, and Sibyl to run away with Gramps in the red sport car to search for the items. They leave right in time before Bruce tries to have Gramps committed to the crazy house. Let the story start off with Bruce telling Ellen she needs to have her father put away because he’s crazy and tells the children wild stories. Instead of Gramp living in a nursing home let him live at home with with the family. The children leave a note stating they are going to save the world. This can all happen within the first 15 pages.
Since Sibyl is a teenager she would not be so easy to convince to travel with Gramps, but keep the fact that she does not get along with her parents in the story. Let her run away from home to travel with a band, but some how she gets caught up with her brothers and Gramps. Perhaps she’s trying to meet her band, but they leave without her. She’s walking looking mad when she sees Gramps and her brothers speed by. She runs them down for a ride and jumps in the car while its moving. The black car chases them and shoots at them. Gramps tells Sibyl what’s going on. They get away from the car. (It crashes or something). Thus their journey begins.
Through the story Gramps and the children meet other elderly secret agents as they look for the parts. They evade the police and are chased by elderly super Russian agent, Veronika. They face danger, suspense, and lots of comedy on their journey. Perhaps towards the later middle of the story, let Veronika manage to kidnap one of the boys. This would raise the stakes even more.
Even let the police catch Gramps, Sibyl and the other grandson. These such events would give the feeling they will be defeated, they’ve lost. Ellen and Bruce arrive to get them out of jail. Then suddenly Gramps’ elderly agent buddies who gave him the parts appear and bust Gramps and his grandkids out of jail. They all leave. They rescue the other grandson from Veronika
The clock is ticking. They have to get to the farm field. They have a chase. Veronika and her elderly agents, the police, and Ellen and Bruce are after them. They reach the field and set up the parts to make the device to stop the missile. The police, Ellen, and Bruce arrive to stop them. Then Veronika and her elderly henchmen come. Gramps, the grandkids, and their elderly agents fight Veronika and her elderly agents. In the nick of time Gramps pulls the lever and out comes the missile. It shoots off, then BOOM! America is saved.
You don’t have to use these suggestions They’re suggestions giving an idea of how to make the story more compelling.
5. Is the subtext clear?
Yes. Sub-text = dialog. I think the dialog was very well done. It is the best dialog I’ve read in a while. It was clear, quick, and witty. It sounded natural. It did not wonder. It expressed the characters personality and made the individual’s voice unique.
6. Are there unexpected occurrences and conflicts that the protagonist must overcome?
Yes. But they need to be made more compelling. The stakes have to be raised really high on Gramps. That is where the kidnaping comes in. Veronika taking his grandson, his flesh and blood, really hits home. That’s personal.
7. Is there over explaining in the story?
No. Everything unfolds in a timely manner.
8.Does the story continue to build to a climax?
Yes. But the build up is not strong enough. You need to kick it up a notch, as suggested in the suggestions.
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
1.Are all of my characters unique?
Yes.
2. What is the main character’s goal?
Stop the Russian missile
3. Is the characters’ journey clear and compelling?
It’s so so. It needs more work as stated earlier.
4. Is there a strong antagonist?
Well, the antagonist is weak. You want to give Veronika several appearances throughout the story. She puts a unique face on the villain. She’s an old elderly Russian woman, different from other villains in movies. Give her dialog too. I think she would interest the reader. I wanted to see more of her in the story.
I think the characters are well developed in general. A reader gets a clear mental picture of their personalities. The fighting scene between Gramps and Veronika was well done. Keep it in your rewrites. I think the story has potential. There just needs to be more work done to enhance the development. Please send me feedback telling me what you think of my review. My email is ahicks4298@q.com. And leave a comment on my member page. Just address it to Frances. Also in your feedback please tell what you think I should have commented on in the story. This info will help me do better reviews.
Thank you,
Frances
read
Comments About brookline 21
-
10pagesaday on 04/05/2012
Hi Frances. Thanks for your detailed review of HOOD LEGEND. I really appreciate the time and effort that you put in into your critique. I agree that I need to do a better job of explaining how they came up with the names of people in foreclosure. One question though, is my grammar atrocious? -
wanderingmbhorn on 03/20/2012
Howdy Frances,
Thanks for your wonderfully helpful review of "The Many Missing of Hillsborough County." I really enjoyed your break-out method and your notes were incredibly helpful. I'm glad you enjoyed!
Thanks again!
John -
stephjones on 03/10/2012
Hey Frances,
Thank you for taking so much time with my script. It's nice to know it was appealing to a younger person. I must admit you lost me there for a minute when you described the story about the jewels/bags, etc. then I realized you must have offered that up as an example.
I think I have work to do since most people seem to miss exactly what it is Bells is after. She is 70(catalyst) and realizes if she wants to avoid the cliche'd life of old age then she needs to make a change as quickly as she can. She latches onto the idea of learning to sail as a means to change her life. Whats at stake is, well, in her opinion, the rest of her life and at 70 how much time are we talking about? So a clock is ticking in a sense.
Her antag is actually Jeb. Although he has been hired to teach her to sail the conflict between the two of them creates opposition for her in reaching her goal. Ceci adds to this by not being all that keen about it either.
Each situation is meant to give the two old women a sense that maybe it isn't too late to change their lives and eventually even ceci realizes that maybe it would be a good thing too.
The crisis is when Ceci goes overboard. For anyone to lose their dearest friend is traumatic but when an old person loses one it feels like the beginning of the end. Bells will not want a new life which doesn't include Ceci.
When Bells and Jeb team up and Ceci is found their antagonism is put to rest. There is a new respect for each. Since Bells was taking everyone for granted in the beginning of the story she had to realize just how precious they all were. This was driven home by losing ceci, even momentarily.
The resolution came by their claiming a new way of living and actually showing the way for other old woman to follow.
I do appreciate all of your advice and will take it into consideration on my next rewrite--I never seem to stop the revisions on this!
all the best
steph
-
alexherrin on 02/09/2012
Frances, thank you very much for your review of "Lucidity", I am honored that you would take your time to read it and give such a lengthy and thorough critique. This script needs loads of work, I know that, and I agree with most of what you have said. It felt slow when I finished it, and turns out it is. It was also my first screenplay. I intend to do a rewrite soon and I will most likely dispose of the medieval setting and perhaps go for something more modern, with a little bit of medieval thrown in. For some reason I am stuck on medieval. Maybe there is something about the clashing of swords that just screams "fantasy". Regardless, I thank you again for your notes, they were very valuable and will serve me well for my next rewrite. -
Revale on 02/07/2012
Hi Frances, I just posted an example of a professional query letter on your thread on the message boards if you get a chance to check it out. It's supposed to be the correct way to do it.
Cheers, Revale -
Damian P Ramsajan on 12/31/2011
Frances,
Thanks for a very thorough and well structured review. I really can't thank you enough for the obvious effort that went into this and the valuable ideas and inspiration for the rewrite coming out of it.
Cheers and all the best.
Damian -
itcouldbemeoritmightnotbe on 12/23/2011
Hi Frances, thanks for reading George's Sister Maggie. I am very grateful that you enjoyed the screenplay, and offered your insights. There is one suggestion that I have found particularly useful, in that it might be revealed that Jim and Maggie weren't actually adopted. I might work this in...
Thanks again...
-
Motorocity on 12/18/2011
Thank you for taking the time to read and review Monster Rage. I appreciate your insight and suggestions, especially in helping keep the story moving and interesting. Best of luck on all your projects. -
10pagesaday on 10/21/2011
First I would like to say that this was one of the best reviews I ever received. Now it's not because you liked my script it was because of the detail you put into it. That must've taken a lot of time. Anyways, I appreciate your time and insight on WE DON'T DIE. -
Damian P Ramsajan on 10/10/2011
Thanks Frances,for taking the time to review House of X. Your style of reviewing is actually quite refreshing and very helpful. Again, can't thank you enough.
Warmest Regards
Damian
Write a Comment
Browse:
Copyright © 2001-2012 Trigger Street Labs. All Rights Reserved.
Comments About brookline 21
-
Quote
Hi Frances. Thanks for your detailed review of HOOD LEGEND. I really appreciate the time and effort that you put in into your critique. I agree that I need to do a better job of explaining how they came up with the names of people in foreclosure. One question though, is my grammar atrocious?
-
Quote
Howdy Frances,
-
Quote
Hey Frances,
+ more comments10pagesaday on 04/05/2012
wanderingmbhorn on 03/20/2012
Thanks for your wonderfully helpful review of "The Many Missing of Hillsborough County." I really enjoyed your break-out method and your notes were incredibly helpful. I'm glad you enjoyed!
Thanks again!
John
stephjones on 03/10/2012
Thank you for taking so much time with my script. It's nice to know it was appealing to a younger person. I must admit you lost me there for a minute when you described the story about the jewels/bags, etc. then I realized you must have offered that up as an example.
I think I have work to do since most people seem to miss exactly what it is Bells is after. She is 70(catalyst) and realizes if she wants to avoid the cliche'd life of old age then she needs to make a change as quickly as she can. She latches onto the idea of learning to sail as a means to change her life. Whats at stake is, well, in her opinion, the rest of her life and at 70 how much time are we talking about? So a clock is ticking in a sense.
Her antag is actually Jeb. Although he has been hired to teach her to sail the conflict between the two of them creates opposition for her in reaching her goal. Ceci adds to this by not being all that keen about it either.
Each situation is meant to give the two old women a sense that maybe it isn't too late to change their lives and eventually even ceci realizes that maybe it would be a good thing too.
The crisis is when Ceci goes overboard. For anyone to lose their dearest friend is traumatic but when an old person loses one it feels like the beginning of the end. Bells will not want a new life which doesn't include Ceci.
When Bells and Jeb team up and Ceci is found their antagonism is put to rest. There is a new respect for each. Since Bells was taking everyone for granted in the beginning of the story she had to realize just how precious they all were. This was driven home by losing ceci, even momentarily.
The resolution came by their claiming a new way of living and actually showing the way for other old woman to follow.
I do appreciate all of your advice and will take it into consideration on my next rewrite--I never seem to stop the revisions on this!
all the best
steph