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Reviews by brrose 43
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A review of "WOW! Never Expected That!"by brrose on 01/04/2013December 21st – Humorous contrast between Frank’s world and the Armageddon outside. I like the message that it’s easy to get caught up in our little mundane details (like rattling off the gift ideas) and miss the big picture. One suggestion, for me, is that it would work better if the events outside were just as ominous but less conspicuous. I wasn’t sure why he didn’t acknowledge... December 21st – Humorous contrast between Frank’s world and the Armageddon outside. I like the message that it’s easy to get caught up in our little mundane details (like rattling off the gift ideas) and miss the big picture. One suggestion, for me, is that it would work better if the events outside were just as ominous but less conspicuous. I wasn’t sure why he didn’t acknowledge the flashes of light, screams, thuds, and mayhem outside.
Anti-Hero – I liked watching Robinson set up his comrades, that was a fun twist. I found this one especially easy to read. Tonally, having a dressed up superzombie fly in seemed a little uneven but I do like having a zombie be the good guy.
Sit On My Face – Well written and the unknowing audition is a good idea. The grossness/ shock factor was turned up to 11 in this one.
Speed Date – This is a fertile setting for a short. Action is clear and concise. I really like the dialogue in this one but the last page loses subtext / gets a little sappy and the penis line felt out of place. If you could come up with a big finish, this would be easy & appealing to film.
Binary Games – This was well done and one of my favorites. I thought the opening line with the V.O, “But you can just call me stupid.” was great. It let us know he was in over his head right away. There was originality here but the premise of hunting humans for sport is very familiar- I just watched The Hunger Games and The Running Man is an old fav.
What A Bitch!- There were some good moments in here and the writing was lean (which I like). I chuckled on p. 36 with the exchange with Dan and Eddie, “If he lights a candle…”. The dialogue was heavy enough in vulgarity to make me notice it – like every line had an exclamation point. I was bummed he sent his wingman crashing to his death – I think that’s against wingman code.
Blind-Sided Date- This was fun with the bullied waitress extracting her revenge. I like the subtext in the early dialogue that vampirism is at play although I wasn’t sure why the hints came from Asa instead of the waitress. The turn at the end succeeded in being a surprise. I thInk a little more set up for the waitress would increase the Wow! factor for me.
First Love – Good chatroom banter which ignites an unexpected bromance. I like the way you handled the passing of time. The downside here is that the audience would have to read all the chatroom conversations onscreen. It did create anticipation, however, and when Robbo (46) was introduced on p 52, I was definitely invested to see what was going to happen.
The Key – I didn’t get a big Wow! Moment here but it was well written and a very touching story. My only gripe is that I felt like it was a bit of a cheat to not tell us twice there was a key in the pile of metal. I thought that would be visualized onscreen so it should be described. Otherwise, well done!
Driven – I liked this one. Good dialogue and action. Daniel seemed like a manifestation of Stephen’s conscience. I like how Stephen shows up on Mr Owen’s doorstep and he has Daniel’s wound. Knowing the ending, I’m not sure I like Daniel and Stephen physically fighting – does that mean, in reality, Stephen is beating himself up? Another option would be to not show Daniel at all and have all his lines O. S. so we assume someone is in the backseat with a gun but there really isn’t anyone there. He can still slam on the brakes and bust “Daniel’s” nose. Just thoughts. Oh, and watch the its/it’s.
Soul Hunt – The spookiest Wow! I really liked the writing here. I did see your message board post and I think it’s clear that Gina takes the tall pale woman’s place and that’s a nice twist but I found the legend a little murky after I read it. Was the tall pale woman cursed to stay in limbo? If so, how was her curse broken and why did she want her “replacement” Gina to leave her behind and go with Erik. It seems Gina is stuck there for an eternity, why isn’t tall pale woman there for eternity?
Dinner – This contained a nice sense of humor and the best visual in the anthology – when Robert turns the light on in the basement with the dead teenagers on meat racks as he casually looks for the wine. I was happy for Robert when Tina gave him permission to eat Don, lol. The end felt a little sudden to me and while it was surprising, I would’ve liked to see that beat where the tables turned.
Dark Terror – This was a nice story about a mother comforting her son and, as a parent, I could relate. I didn’t get a big Wow! from this one but I enjoyed it. Another idea is that you could have the boy have night terrors because he is sick in the hospital and Terror is essentially the grim reaper and he has to run away to stay alive in his dreams at night while he is in the hospital but then his mother’s comfort pulls him out of it.
Swing Low –Another ghost story – this time with a haunted oak tree. I liked the dignity of Drey in a setting where he knew he was going to die. It felt like his singing was a call for help and I liked that he mentioned his ancestors so the ghost twist was well set up. I thought this happened in the past because Drey’s dialect didn’t sound modern . Ending on the cowboy surprised me but also confused me.
Odessa – Nice writing style and a pleasure to read. Because it was set up against a post apocalyptic backdrop, the twist that Texas was its own republic didn’t give me a Wow! moment. Having visited Texas a few months ago, I have the feeling a fair amount of Texans would appreciate this turn. Liked the story. This feels like a few scenes pulled from a much longer script. Is this Odessa, TX?
Battle For The Last Planet – With its grand scale, this was definitely the one to end on. Big visuals, space battles between superpowers, new planets – what’s not to like? Killing the family was a misdirection and underscored the senselessness of war. The sickle and hammer rises again! Fun short.
Great shorts, everyone! Enjoyed reading this. Huge props to DJ for putting this together and I'm proud to be involved in this anthology with such creative writers. Cheers to the WOW crew! read -
A review of The Getawayby brrose on 01/01/2012Well, today I was looking for a script to read and I looked through the first pages of the scripts in my queue and yours was the one that best kept my interest so I continued. That’s a very organic and important measure of quality in my mind. Congratulations on hooking a reader! PREMISE/CONCEPT: I liked your premise. I think this a cinematic idea that could make a... Well, today I was looking for a script to read and I looked through the first pages of the scripts in my queue and yours was the one that best kept my interest so I continued. That’s a very organic and important measure of quality in my mind. Congratulations on hooking a reader!
PREMISE/CONCEPT: I liked your premise. I think this a cinematic idea that could make a compelling feature. Ordinary people thrust into extraordinary circumstances is tried and true. Good job there.
PRESENTATION: This is good and bad. I was pleased with your formatting. This looked like a screenplay so kudos there. I did see that you missed slugs at times – one time I remember is when Jake gets into the plane at the first act turn and there is no plane slug. You should comb the script and make sure slugs are accurate. The worst part here was the proofing. It leaves much to be desired. WAY too many spelling, spacing, punctuation and grammar gaffes. I usually make a list of what I find in my page notes but at the midpoint, I was overwhelmed by the dozens I already found and it was really interrupting my read. I had to press “abort” on that one. I’ll just say this really needs cleaned up.
STRUCTURE/ PLOT: You say this was based on actual events but I have to believe this is a VERY loose association. I believe the biggest problem with the script is plot holes. There were a bunch of times that I just could not suspend disbelief.
First 15- In here I’m looking for protag., what problem needs to be fixed in the current equilibrium and who or what will possibly prevent that from happening (antagonist). First page, Sara and Allison are introduced and it soon becomes clear the story will focus on Sara. After reading the whole script, I don’t know why this character, Allison, is in your sp much less on the first page. She is never seen again after page 2. Jake is introduced early – I like that. What I didn’t pick up is what the problem or goal for Sara was through these pages. I sensed no antagonistic force in here. How could I when there was no problem or goal presented? I know Calvin was introduced in here who later does bad things.
15–26 Here we’re getting parallel stories with the developing Jake/ Sara relationship while being introduced to the drug smuggling operation operated by Calvin. I think this works.
26 Inciting incident- They walk in on Calvin and the drugs. Good.
31 Act 1 break- Jake and Sara forced to fly to Colombia. IMO it takes too long to get to this point. The Allison stuff, flower sign on the police car, etc. seems unnecessary. First act needs tightened up but the story is good so far, I’m interested.
32-57 Sara and Jake are introduced to the dangerous Colombian drug world and meet Mendez. This, for me, is where the plot holes opened up. I could see why they sent Jake down as a co-pilot because they had no one else but his value would be nil as soon as they land. I’m sure he has other pilots for his operation and Jake is not an experienced pilot, anyway. Mendez is set up as a ruthless guy- I can’t figure out why he’s so nice to them. The threat from the FARC is introduced and the midpoint to me is when the man and child are shot. Drives home the danger element which has now escalated. I like this section but it would work MUCH better if you could convince me of a reason Mendez would be nice to them.
58-85 Mendez and his goons are SOOOO nice to Sara and Jake in here. They risk their own lives to protect them. Why? At best, I have to believe they would just leave them but they probably would just shoot them. Why would they be treated differently than the pilot Jake had to replace? Sara is kidnapped which is a good complication. She’s rescued and they hide out in Mendez’s brother’s shack. Then comes a confusing sequence where Sara is making out with Jake. He goes to take a shower and she lusts after Mendez. He said he would give her over to the FARC in a heartbeat so they could rape, torture and/ or kill her and now she’s feeling amorous toward this drug lord? That’s some strong brandy. At least drug her for this scene. That seems to be the act 2 turn.
86- 117 They leave Colombia. I didn’t understand the threat from the customs planes – it seemed empty. Pg 89 “We have not shown ourselves to be a threat.” What would a drug smuggling plane do to show a threat? Just because they don’t engage in a dogfight doesn’t mean the plane isn’t loaded with drugs. Then Sara and Jake turn into drug smuggling criminals because “They’ll never believe us.” That was a weak beat to me – again didn’t seem consistent with the characters or really that believable. I’m really disliking both Sara and Jake through this section. I like that Frank was involved with Calvin- a nice turn. Calvin gives up 500 K WAY too easily- He’s a ruthless criminal. I can’t believe he would hand over 500 K to the amateur hour criminals just because they asked. Kill them would be more like it. I also think the authorities would come hard after Calvin. He’s the local flying expert that runs a business out of the hangar. Would they search his office? How many locals could orchestrate a clandestine landing at night in a pasture in this small town? Seems like that list would start and end with Calvin. There had to be a crew on the ground aiding the plane. In the end, Sara never comes clean with Jake and they have a baby. Vasquez takes the fall and everyone gets away with their crimes, keep the money, etc. Hint that Calvin, who I believe threatened her life earlier, and Sara reconcile. Birds of a feather at this point. The baby may be from Mendez... cliffhanger. Sorry, that whole sequence was unsatisfying to me. I feel no resolution with this story.
I will say that you hit the proper beats as listed above so I think the screenplay has good structure but the plotting is weak in parts. I hope these notes don't come off as too harsh because I do think your script has good potential.
PACING: I think you did a great job with this. I can’t say I feel like the story ever lulled and I consider that quite a feat. The plot kept moving and so did my eyes down the page. I was always interested re: what was going to happen next. I read this quickly. Again, great job here.
CHARACTERS: Can’t say I haven’t seen these characters before, especially the drug cartel guys. They seemed like were right out of an 80s Schwartzenegger flick with a little “Scarface” thrown in. The fish out of water aspect of putting Sara and Jake in with the drug guys did create some interest. I liked Sara and Jake more early (see Theme below). I would’ve like to have known a little more about who they are (goals, dreams, quirks, flaws, etc.) before they embark on this adventure.
DIALOGUE: Exposition through dialogue could be culled from the script. There wasn’t much subtext in the dialogue. It gets very explainy at times, especially Mendez. I think you could use contractions more. It wasn’t flashy but mostly I felt it did the job. The characters, in general, had their own voice.
THEME: This wasn’t clear to me and I think it’s a problem. Sara and Jake had an arc in the negative direction but there were no consequences so what’s the message? You did leave a cliffhanger that maybe some stuff will go down later because the baby may be Mendez’s but we never see it and if that happens – we need to see it. I liked both main characters more at the beginning of the story when they weren’t profiting from drug smuggling, Sara wasn’t a cheater, etc. Was I rooting for the evil Calvin to reconcile with his daughter and get off scot-free? Hardly.
STYLE/TONE: Definitely a shift when they were thrown into the jungle. Would not have guessed what kind of movie this was from the first 14 pages. It was set up like a small town rom com- it wasn’t that.
OVERALL: I have many comments. Don’t worry, I always do. I liked this script, though. It just needs work. There is something about your writing that drew me in and kept me engaged. I think your descriptive writing shows flashes of real talent but you need to work on writing in the present tense (-ing, -ed verbs used HEAVILY), reduce adverbs (-ly words) and tighten your descriptions up. Many seemed unnecessary to the story in my read of it. I think the script could easily drop 5-6 pages just by tightening up the descriptive writing- use more sentence frags and bursts of clear information. It could drop another few pages by tightening up the dialogue. This is low hanging fruit and would give plenty of room to fix the plot problems I mentioned above. Best of luck with it and Happy New Year's! Hope someting here helps. read -
A review of Liam and Theo (2nd draft)by brrose on 12/26/2011OVERALL: Well, this is the fourth of your screenplays I’ve read this year. I believe I’ve now covered the entire snony library. You need to slow down a little. I can’t keep up! I don’t think you will be surprised when I say I think this is your best (so far, that is… ). This was an enjoyable and engaging story that has real promise. I spent a little extra time with this because... OVERALL: Well, this is the fourth of your screenplays I’ve read this year. I believe I’ve now covered the entire snony library. You need to slow down a little. I can’t keep up! I don’t think you will be surprised when I say I think this is your best (so far, that is… ). This was an enjoyable and engaging story that has real promise. I spent a little extra time with this because I’m genuinely excited by this one. Congratulations on putting it together!
I’m sorry if I’m redundant in my different categories. I thought I’d try a different review style. My comments for improvement really only center on one issue- I’d like to see him in Afghanistan sooner.
PREMISE/CONCEPT : What I like so much about the concept here is that it is a story within a story. Yes, this is an up close and personal portrait of one soldier and his dog but the backdrop is much larger, the war in Afghanistan. The way these threads intertwine, the emotions you are able to elicit for Liam, Theo, Taliban characters, Afghanistan citizen characters, Emma (those left behind) get transferred to feelings about the war in general. That is why art is so powerful. A book, song, painting or a movie such as this has the potential to affect an audience deeply, possibly affect their opinions about important issues. This script could be made into a movie that makes an audience think- that’s good art! But you must remember, “With great power comes great responsibility.”
Telling a war story through the eyes of a soldier and his dog is just a plain good idea, IMO. Dog stories aren’t unique. War stories aren’t unique. Someone told me once to create something unique, just take 2 things that aren’t unique and put them together in a novel way. Combining a dog story and a war story IS unique, at least to me. The unspoken bond between man and man’s best friend is a powerful one and fertile ground to create emotion. One example is a movie I saw not too long ago, “Marley & Me”. When Marley was buried in the front yard in “Marley & Me”, it really hit. Something about dogs and I’m not a dog lover.
PRESENTATION: Well proofed – no issue there. You did some minor things differently format wise compared to what’s in Trottier’s Bible. I will say nothing was unclear so I didn’t have an issue with it. I believe there’s room for minor variations in style. See my page notes. As always with your scripts there was plenty of white space, economical descriptions, and no long winded, redundant speeches. That’s always appreciated by me. It kept my eyes moving down the page and that’s what I’ve come to expect when I read one of your scripts.
STRUCTURE/ PLOT: Most of what I write here will be suggestions to bring the war (and conflict) in earlier. You’ve already written most of the scenes to which I refer. I’m just suggesting some rearranging. I’m one opinion and I always say, consider this a buffet. If it doesn’t work for you, just pass on it and take a look at the next dish. Food for thought only! I only have plot suggestions up to the midpoint. I think you nailed it after that.
First 15- Nice opening scene and I think the scene with him and the dog makes a good catalyst. It’s clear who our hero is. I think there is some stuff missing in this section, though. I wasn’t sure of his goal or who or what would antagonize his goal, therefore this section lacked in conflict. I know he wanted to be with the bomb disposal unit and failed but after 15 pages, it didn’t seem to be a story about Liam trying to join the bomb disposal unit so it wasn’t clear where this was headed. Just a thought- I think the sniper scene where he picks off British troops would make a powerful opening scene of the script. THAT would establish the antagonist and bring the war in early, then cut to Liam failing with the bomb squad. The audience would root for him to get his shit together right off because it’s clear the sniper needs to be dealt with. They just don’t know how this bumbling soldier will do it so they’ll watch (or read) to find out.
15-25 Show the war here but not on TV like on pg 14, cut to Afghanistan instead, introduce a couple of soldiers which will play a role with Liam later. They can talk about IED’s etc. This section can be the debate re: whether he stays home with his love/ takes a safer low profile assignment vs taking the dangerous route which will land him on the front lines in Afghanistan. Shows us the danger involved with the 2nd choice. His brother’s legacy and the discovery of a unrealized talent can help push him toward service. Also, the conflict with Emma could come from the fact he’s considering this dangerous assignment and is going to leave her behind. I’m sure that’s a conflict with which all soldier’s can relate. The jealousy of the dog felt a little forced to me.
Act 1 break. I would like to see him in Afghanistan.
30- midpoint. Instead of establishing the Liam/ Theo bond at the training center, I would like to see them develop this bond in the field in Afghanistan but I don’t think it should be so easy at first. Matter of fact, I would rather see it be downright difficult. Liam could get “stuck” with Theo who is the dog that has a great nose but no one else wants because he’s wild. It’s a ripe opportunity for conflict. They have to earn each other’s trust. Again, this is what “Marley & Me” did so well, it showed dog and master going through some hard times- so much so that when they were on the same page, it became a “moment”.
Also, there’s opportunity in this section to make Liam feel like an outsider in his new unit. He’s the guy with the dog, not a rifle. Maybe it’s difficult for him to fit in. I say don’t leave these great sources of conflict on the table. The dramatic bow must be strung! The third act is already very moving and that’s a testament to the strength of your premise. Add some conflict and obstacles in here and you’ll seriously make some people cry!
Midpoint could be the moment that dog and master realize they need each other. Things come together for them as a team. They gain acceptance.
After the midpoint, My suggestion is… don’t change it!
End of 2nd act low point. Theo has a seizure and he (along with Liam) are relieved of duty. Good beat here!
Third Act- I love it! The ending is powerful and effective. Nice job!
PACING: OK to begin with but this script really took off when they hit Afghanistan. Pacing was excellent from the midpoint on. Felt like I read the 2nd half in ½ the time as the first half.
CHARACTERS: Liam was well drawn and multi dimensional and if a dog can be well developed, Theo was. Moreover, the bond between them was incredibly well written. I really felt the trust these two had in each other and it’s so important a reader does because that’s the spine of the story. The Hayes character is a keeper. The sniper was good and I thought his role could be expanded as the antagonist. Emma and Dave were functional but I wouldn’t expand their roles because that’s not where I personally see your story. Will, Terry, Mark, Adam, and the other soldiers kind of blended together for me. I’ll make the same comment as I did in “Champion”, have a couple of soldiers “personify” all soldiers, give them goals and quirks and we won’t mix them up. The other soldiers can be window dressing. I liked Haroon and felt he’s a good candidate for the B story if you had Liam in Afghanistan by the beginning of the 2nd act. I liked how you incorporated the Taliban characters, it’s important that the enemy is not faceless and it provided the script with an interesting perspective.
DIALOGUE: The dialogue is good. It felt natural. The story was told more by action than dialogue. The couple times I had a suggestion, I mentioned it below.
THEME: Commitment: to family, dog, girlfriend, and country. Sadness and randomness of the killing that occurs in wartime. Good!
STYLE/TONE: I like the opening scene but, as mentioned, I think the sniper scene would do an even better job establishing style and tone up front. I did feel like the tone of the movie changed in the bar with the banter between Liam and Emma, the buying of beers, etc. Maybe a little too cutesy? From the mid point when Liam and Theo arrive in Afghanistan, there was no ambiguity re: what type of movie this would be. Before that, it was a little inconsistent. If the marketing aspect is considered, it seems to me a producer interested in this premise would likely be looking to make a “war” movie and, if that’s their expectation, that isn’t delivered in the first half of this script. My opinion is that this script would not only be more compelling but it would be an easier sell if you got him to Afghanistan earlier. I know, broken record, but my one track mind keeps coming back to the same thing.
Page notes:
P 1- all nitpicky small stuff but the devil is in the details – bold vs regular slugs- dealer’s choice but I prefer regular. I personally wouldn’t use continuous in this manner. I think of continuous, for example, when characters move between rooms and the camera follows them. Those shots on the first page are all different. I’m sure you’ve heard stay away from “beats”. I haven’t seen the hyphens before and after INSERT, BACK TO SCENE, etc. Be better off without them, IMO. I think you could cull this script for adverbs – there are quite a few and 90% aren’t needed. Would make a fast read faster. Examples on this page. You say it’s deserted- I don’t think eerily quiet is necessary or just use; Quiet. Superior tells him, “Turn it gently”. Then you use slowly, delicately. There, I feel he’s listening to his superior so I don’t think the 2 adverbs add anything. Now, if the opposite were true I would use the adverb, ie, if he turned it harshly or abruptly. Enough on that before I get too annoying. Character descriptions – your descriptions are very literal and focus on physical characteristics. Now if they have tattoos or something that tells us about character- good. This is the one place in your script where you can write a good ‘ol unfilmable and get away with it. Give us a blurb about who this person is. One interesting way to think about this is; imagine you’re having a drink with a friend and someone is going to meet you at the bar and you want to tell your friend one line about the person coming. You may say something like, “Yeah, he’s the kinda guy that seems like he’s out to lunch half the time but don’t be fooled. He doesn’t miss a thing.” I picked up some good advice about this on “The First 15”.
P 3 You can just introduce Phil, instead of Drinking Bloke, at the bottom of the page but make sure this guy has a purpose in the story. I would think about cutting him entirely. The bar scenes weren’t my favs, see my comments above.
P 5 I don’t think you need the ellipses when Phil picks up his speech again (…And start things). I once looked up the proper spacing for ellipses and there really should be a space before and after (ie, Hey … that’s my sandwich.) but in screenwriting it seems to have commonly morphed into just the space after (ie, Hey… that’s my sandwich.) Anyway, there should be at least a space after the ellipses. You left the space sometimes in the script and other times you did not.
P 9 terms like slapper, saucy git make me laugh. Love British slang. Kinky sex line sounded clunky to me, leave that in the subtext. I’d prefer having Dave fall. Emma looks at Liam, disappointed. Liam, “I better get him home. Come on, bruv.”
P 12 I like the Liam/ dog scene. I did question if they would keep their rifle aimed at the dog when Liam was so close/ in the line of sight. Would they use a tranquilizer dart instead of a bullet? Shooting a grieving dog would be bad PR.
P13 Does that mean “go commando” as in not wear underwear?
P14 seeing dogs everywhere funny.
P16 one hyphen after still. Off of look would be better replaced by a non verbal cue from Liam in an action line.
P17 Wasn’t quite sure why Major was so adamant that Liam doesn’t come back. Is he that bad?
P18 good Liam/ Dave scene. Again, I don’t think the double dashes are necessary when the speech is picked up, when Dave says, “The Yanks.” I won’t mention this anymore.
P22 interesting you used soccer instead of football for us over here .
P24 I like this Taliban perspective- good job! Develop the antagonist.
P28 stroking the knackers is a keeper, lol.
P38 picky but “Theo ages a couple months.” Sounds like you are describing a shot where he morphs into an older dog. If you keep this montage, could just write Theo, a couple months older, sniffs , etc.
P43 I think underlining dialogue is the standard for emphasis- not caps.
P48 I like the little moments with Dave.
P53 Hayes is good. Would like to be introduced to him before page 40.
P55 Will and Mark’s conversation seems a little unnatural and explainy to me. Something like Will, “Rules of engagement. That’s taking the piss. How ‘bout we just slot the bastards?” Mark, “Do your fucking job and quit bitching. Is that E.C.M. working?” may be less so.
P64 decrepit spelling.
P65 I like this about clear, hold, and build. Challenge your audience to think about what’s going on there. I wouldn’t mind more moments like this.
P69 I like that Emma is pregnant. This story is really kicking in!
P71 Great show of instinct and skill by both Liam and Theo. Great! Give me more! Don’t keep it a secret that this is the team that found more IEDs than any other handler and dog combo. A character that is exceptional at something keeps my interest.
P75 You gotta have the sniper wash and change clothes before the checkpoint or not have him covered in blood and brain to begin with. I couldn’t buy that they would even need Theo to identify him otherwise. He would stink with that baked into his clothes and hair, etc. I don’t think dirt would cover it.
P76 One opinion but I don’t think you need to flashback to stuff you just showed.
P78 This feels like they are a little too ready to throw L&T under the bus here. Terrorists
and Taliban pose as citizens and Theo has shown some skill up to this point. It just doesn’t seem quite logical that they would dismiss his ID of the sniper so easily. I don’t think anyone would expect the sniper to bring his rifle and ammo through the checkpoint. Probably, “Methinks the passenger doth protests too much.” would kick in and arouse some serious suspicion about this guy. This important scene could use a tweak.
P88 Don’t introduce new characters this late unless absolutely necessary. Cell Phone Taliban can easily be introduced prior, even if he plays a minor part in an earlier scene.
P95 I like how Liam thought Theo was shot.
P97 I think it would be powerful if the officer specifically said Liam’s been shot and needs blood and everyone rushed out to get in line. I like the doctor, blood donor interaction.
P99 Dave USES- what’s that – the second typo?
P101 I’ll have to research how Theo died. I think that part should be factually correct. If this is it, that’s crazy!
P102 Last scene with the super gives me chills- REALLY powerful stuff!!
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Reviews by brrose 43
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A review of "WOW! Never Expected That!"by brrose on 01/04/2013December 21st – Humorous contrast between Frank’s world and the Armageddon outside. I like the message that it’s easy to get caught up in our little mundane details (like rattling off the gift ideas) and miss the big picture. One suggestion, for me, is that it would work better if the events outside were just as ominous but less conspicuous. I wasn’t sure why he didn’t acknowledge... December 21st – Humorous contrast between Frank’s world and the Armageddon outside. I like the message that it’s easy to get caught up in our little mundane details (like rattling off the gift ideas) and miss the big picture. One suggestion, for me, is that it would work better if the events outside were just as ominous but less conspicuous. I wasn’t sure why he didn’t acknowledge the flashes of light, screams, thuds, and mayhem outside.
Anti-Hero – I liked watching Robinson set up his comrades, that was a fun twist. I found this one especially easy to read. Tonally, having a dressed up superzombie fly in seemed a little uneven but I do like having a zombie be the good guy.
Sit On My Face – Well written and the unknowing audition is a good idea. The grossness/ shock factor was turned up to 11 in this one.
Speed Date – This is a fertile setting for a short. Action is clear and concise. I really like the dialogue in this one but the last page loses subtext / gets a little sappy and the penis line felt out of place. If you could come up with a big finish, this would be easy & appealing to film.
Binary Games – This was well done and one of my favorites. I thought the opening line with the V.O, “But you can just call me stupid.” was great. It let us know he was in over his head right away. There was originality here but the premise of hunting humans for sport is very familiar- I just watched The Hunger Games and The Running Man is an old fav.
What A Bitch!- There were some good moments in here and the writing was lean (which I like). I chuckled on p. 36 with the exchange with Dan and Eddie, “If he lights a candle…”. The dialogue was heavy enough in vulgarity to make me notice it – like every line had an exclamation point. I was bummed he sent his wingman crashing to his death – I think that’s against wingman code.
Blind-Sided Date- This was fun with the bullied waitress extracting her revenge. I like the subtext in the early dialogue that vampirism is at play although I wasn’t sure why the hints came from Asa instead of the waitress. The turn at the end succeeded in being a surprise. I thInk a little more set up for the waitress would increase the Wow! factor for me.
First Love – Good chatroom banter which ignites an unexpected bromance. I like the way you handled the passing of time. The downside here is that the audience would have to read all the chatroom conversations onscreen. It did create anticipation, however, and when Robbo (46) was introduced on p 52, I was definitely invested to see what was going to happen.
The Key – I didn’t get a big Wow! Moment here but it was well written and a very touching story. My only gripe is that I felt like it was a bit of a cheat to not tell us twice there was a key in the pile of metal. I thought that would be visualized onscreen so it should be described. Otherwise, well done!
Driven – I liked this one. Good dialogue and action. Daniel seemed like a manifestation of Stephen’s conscience. I like how Stephen shows up on Mr Owen’s doorstep and he has Daniel’s wound. Knowing the ending, I’m not sure I like Daniel and Stephen physically fighting – does that mean, in reality, Stephen is beating himself up? Another option would be to not show Daniel at all and have all his lines O. S. so we assume someone is in the backseat with a gun but there really isn’t anyone there. He can still slam on the brakes and bust “Daniel’s” nose. Just thoughts. Oh, and watch the its/it’s.
Soul Hunt – The spookiest Wow! I really liked the writing here. I did see your message board post and I think it’s clear that Gina takes the tall pale woman’s place and that’s a nice twist but I found the legend a little murky after I read it. Was the tall pale woman cursed to stay in limbo? If so, how was her curse broken and why did she want her “replacement” Gina to leave her behind and go with Erik. It seems Gina is stuck there for an eternity, why isn’t tall pale woman there for eternity?
Dinner – This contained a nice sense of humor and the best visual in the anthology – when Robert turns the light on in the basement with the dead teenagers on meat racks as he casually looks for the wine. I was happy for Robert when Tina gave him permission to eat Don, lol. The end felt a little sudden to me and while it was surprising, I would’ve liked to see that beat where the tables turned.
Dark Terror – This was a nice story about a mother comforting her son and, as a parent, I could relate. I didn’t get a big Wow! from this one but I enjoyed it. Another idea is that you could have the boy have night terrors because he is sick in the hospital and Terror is essentially the grim reaper and he has to run away to stay alive in his dreams at night while he is in the hospital but then his mother’s comfort pulls him out of it.
Swing Low –Another ghost story – this time with a haunted oak tree. I liked the dignity of Drey in a setting where he knew he was going to die. It felt like his singing was a call for help and I liked that he mentioned his ancestors so the ghost twist was well set up. I thought this happened in the past because Drey’s dialect didn’t sound modern . Ending on the cowboy surprised me but also confused me.
Odessa – Nice writing style and a pleasure to read. Because it was set up against a post apocalyptic backdrop, the twist that Texas was its own republic didn’t give me a Wow! moment. Having visited Texas a few months ago, I have the feeling a fair amount of Texans would appreciate this turn. Liked the story. This feels like a few scenes pulled from a much longer script. Is this Odessa, TX?
Battle For The Last Planet – With its grand scale, this was definitely the one to end on. Big visuals, space battles between superpowers, new planets – what’s not to like? Killing the family was a misdirection and underscored the senselessness of war. The sickle and hammer rises again! Fun short.
Great shorts, everyone! Enjoyed reading this. Huge props to DJ for putting this together and I'm proud to be involved in this anthology with such creative writers. Cheers to the WOW crew! read -
A review of The Getawayby brrose on 01/01/2012Well, today I was looking for a script to read and I looked through the first pages of the scripts in my queue and yours was the one that best kept my interest so I continued. That’s a very organic and important measure of quality in my mind. Congratulations on hooking a reader! PREMISE/CONCEPT: I liked your premise. I think this a cinematic idea that could make a... Well, today I was looking for a script to read and I looked through the first pages of the scripts in my queue and yours was the one that best kept my interest so I continued. That’s a very organic and important measure of quality in my mind. Congratulations on hooking a reader!
PREMISE/CONCEPT: I liked your premise. I think this a cinematic idea that could make a compelling feature. Ordinary people thrust into extraordinary circumstances is tried and true. Good job there.
PRESENTATION: This is good and bad. I was pleased with your formatting. This looked like a screenplay so kudos there. I did see that you missed slugs at times – one time I remember is when Jake gets into the plane at the first act turn and there is no plane slug. You should comb the script and make sure slugs are accurate. The worst part here was the proofing. It leaves much to be desired. WAY too many spelling, spacing, punctuation and grammar gaffes. I usually make a list of what I find in my page notes but at the midpoint, I was overwhelmed by the dozens I already found and it was really interrupting my read. I had to press “abort” on that one. I’ll just say this really needs cleaned up.
STRUCTURE/ PLOT: You say this was based on actual events but I have to believe this is a VERY loose association. I believe the biggest problem with the script is plot holes. There were a bunch of times that I just could not suspend disbelief.
First 15- In here I’m looking for protag., what problem needs to be fixed in the current equilibrium and who or what will possibly prevent that from happening (antagonist). First page, Sara and Allison are introduced and it soon becomes clear the story will focus on Sara. After reading the whole script, I don’t know why this character, Allison, is in your sp much less on the first page. She is never seen again after page 2. Jake is introduced early – I like that. What I didn’t pick up is what the problem or goal for Sara was through these pages. I sensed no antagonistic force in here. How could I when there was no problem or goal presented? I know Calvin was introduced in here who later does bad things.
15–26 Here we’re getting parallel stories with the developing Jake/ Sara relationship while being introduced to the drug smuggling operation operated by Calvin. I think this works.
26 Inciting incident- They walk in on Calvin and the drugs. Good.
31 Act 1 break- Jake and Sara forced to fly to Colombia. IMO it takes too long to get to this point. The Allison stuff, flower sign on the police car, etc. seems unnecessary. First act needs tightened up but the story is good so far, I’m interested.
32-57 Sara and Jake are introduced to the dangerous Colombian drug world and meet Mendez. This, for me, is where the plot holes opened up. I could see why they sent Jake down as a co-pilot because they had no one else but his value would be nil as soon as they land. I’m sure he has other pilots for his operation and Jake is not an experienced pilot, anyway. Mendez is set up as a ruthless guy- I can’t figure out why he’s so nice to them. The threat from the FARC is introduced and the midpoint to me is when the man and child are shot. Drives home the danger element which has now escalated. I like this section but it would work MUCH better if you could convince me of a reason Mendez would be nice to them.
58-85 Mendez and his goons are SOOOO nice to Sara and Jake in here. They risk their own lives to protect them. Why? At best, I have to believe they would just leave them but they probably would just shoot them. Why would they be treated differently than the pilot Jake had to replace? Sara is kidnapped which is a good complication. She’s rescued and they hide out in Mendez’s brother’s shack. Then comes a confusing sequence where Sara is making out with Jake. He goes to take a shower and she lusts after Mendez. He said he would give her over to the FARC in a heartbeat so they could rape, torture and/ or kill her and now she’s feeling amorous toward this drug lord? That’s some strong brandy. At least drug her for this scene. That seems to be the act 2 turn.
86- 117 They leave Colombia. I didn’t understand the threat from the customs planes – it seemed empty. Pg 89 “We have not shown ourselves to be a threat.” What would a drug smuggling plane do to show a threat? Just because they don’t engage in a dogfight doesn’t mean the plane isn’t loaded with drugs. Then Sara and Jake turn into drug smuggling criminals because “They’ll never believe us.” That was a weak beat to me – again didn’t seem consistent with the characters or really that believable. I’m really disliking both Sara and Jake through this section. I like that Frank was involved with Calvin- a nice turn. Calvin gives up 500 K WAY too easily- He’s a ruthless criminal. I can’t believe he would hand over 500 K to the amateur hour criminals just because they asked. Kill them would be more like it. I also think the authorities would come hard after Calvin. He’s the local flying expert that runs a business out of the hangar. Would they search his office? How many locals could orchestrate a clandestine landing at night in a pasture in this small town? Seems like that list would start and end with Calvin. There had to be a crew on the ground aiding the plane. In the end, Sara never comes clean with Jake and they have a baby. Vasquez takes the fall and everyone gets away with their crimes, keep the money, etc. Hint that Calvin, who I believe threatened her life earlier, and Sara reconcile. Birds of a feather at this point. The baby may be from Mendez... cliffhanger. Sorry, that whole sequence was unsatisfying to me. I feel no resolution with this story.
I will say that you hit the proper beats as listed above so I think the screenplay has good structure but the plotting is weak in parts. I hope these notes don't come off as too harsh because I do think your script has good potential.
PACING: I think you did a great job with this. I can’t say I feel like the story ever lulled and I consider that quite a feat. The plot kept moving and so did my eyes down the page. I was always interested re: what was going to happen next. I read this quickly. Again, great job here.
CHARACTERS: Can’t say I haven’t seen these characters before, especially the drug cartel guys. They seemed like were right out of an 80s Schwartzenegger flick with a little “Scarface” thrown in. The fish out of water aspect of putting Sara and Jake in with the drug guys did create some interest. I liked Sara and Jake more early (see Theme below). I would’ve like to have known a little more about who they are (goals, dreams, quirks, flaws, etc.) before they embark on this adventure.
DIALOGUE: Exposition through dialogue could be culled from the script. There wasn’t much subtext in the dialogue. It gets very explainy at times, especially Mendez. I think you could use contractions more. It wasn’t flashy but mostly I felt it did the job. The characters, in general, had their own voice.
THEME: This wasn’t clear to me and I think it’s a problem. Sara and Jake had an arc in the negative direction but there were no consequences so what’s the message? You did leave a cliffhanger that maybe some stuff will go down later because the baby may be Mendez’s but we never see it and if that happens – we need to see it. I liked both main characters more at the beginning of the story when they weren’t profiting from drug smuggling, Sara wasn’t a cheater, etc. Was I rooting for the evil Calvin to reconcile with his daughter and get off scot-free? Hardly.
STYLE/TONE: Definitely a shift when they were thrown into the jungle. Would not have guessed what kind of movie this was from the first 14 pages. It was set up like a small town rom com- it wasn’t that.
OVERALL: I have many comments. Don’t worry, I always do. I liked this script, though. It just needs work. There is something about your writing that drew me in and kept me engaged. I think your descriptive writing shows flashes of real talent but you need to work on writing in the present tense (-ing, -ed verbs used HEAVILY), reduce adverbs (-ly words) and tighten your descriptions up. Many seemed unnecessary to the story in my read of it. I think the script could easily drop 5-6 pages just by tightening up the descriptive writing- use more sentence frags and bursts of clear information. It could drop another few pages by tightening up the dialogue. This is low hanging fruit and would give plenty of room to fix the plot problems I mentioned above. Best of luck with it and Happy New Year's! Hope someting here helps. read -
A review of Liam and Theo (2nd draft)by brrose on 12/26/2011OVERALL: Well, this is the fourth of your screenplays I’ve read this year. I believe I’ve now covered the entire snony library. You need to slow down a little. I can’t keep up! I don’t think you will be surprised when I say I think this is your best (so far, that is… ). This was an enjoyable and engaging story that has real promise. I spent a little extra time with this because... OVERALL: Well, this is the fourth of your screenplays I’ve read this year. I believe I’ve now covered the entire snony library. You need to slow down a little. I can’t keep up! I don’t think you will be surprised when I say I think this is your best (so far, that is… ). This was an enjoyable and engaging story that has real promise. I spent a little extra time with this because I’m genuinely excited by this one. Congratulations on putting it together!
I’m sorry if I’m redundant in my different categories. I thought I’d try a different review style. My comments for improvement really only center on one issue- I’d like to see him in Afghanistan sooner.
PREMISE/CONCEPT : What I like so much about the concept here is that it is a story within a story. Yes, this is an up close and personal portrait of one soldier and his dog but the backdrop is much larger, the war in Afghanistan. The way these threads intertwine, the emotions you are able to elicit for Liam, Theo, Taliban characters, Afghanistan citizen characters, Emma (those left behind) get transferred to feelings about the war in general. That is why art is so powerful. A book, song, painting or a movie such as this has the potential to affect an audience deeply, possibly affect their opinions about important issues. This script could be made into a movie that makes an audience think- that’s good art! But you must remember, “With great power comes great responsibility.”
Telling a war story through the eyes of a soldier and his dog is just a plain good idea, IMO. Dog stories aren’t unique. War stories aren’t unique. Someone told me once to create something unique, just take 2 things that aren’t unique and put them together in a novel way. Combining a dog story and a war story IS unique, at least to me. The unspoken bond between man and man’s best friend is a powerful one and fertile ground to create emotion. One example is a movie I saw not too long ago, “Marley & Me”. When Marley was buried in the front yard in “Marley & Me”, it really hit. Something about dogs and I’m not a dog lover.
PRESENTATION: Well proofed – no issue there. You did some minor things differently format wise compared to what’s in Trottier’s Bible. I will say nothing was unclear so I didn’t have an issue with it. I believe there’s room for minor variations in style. See my page notes. As always with your scripts there was plenty of white space, economical descriptions, and no long winded, redundant speeches. That’s always appreciated by me. It kept my eyes moving down the page and that’s what I’ve come to expect when I read one of your scripts.
STRUCTURE/ PLOT: Most of what I write here will be suggestions to bring the war (and conflict) in earlier. You’ve already written most of the scenes to which I refer. I’m just suggesting some rearranging. I’m one opinion and I always say, consider this a buffet. If it doesn’t work for you, just pass on it and take a look at the next dish. Food for thought only! I only have plot suggestions up to the midpoint. I think you nailed it after that.
First 15- Nice opening scene and I think the scene with him and the dog makes a good catalyst. It’s clear who our hero is. I think there is some stuff missing in this section, though. I wasn’t sure of his goal or who or what would antagonize his goal, therefore this section lacked in conflict. I know he wanted to be with the bomb disposal unit and failed but after 15 pages, it didn’t seem to be a story about Liam trying to join the bomb disposal unit so it wasn’t clear where this was headed. Just a thought- I think the sniper scene where he picks off British troops would make a powerful opening scene of the script. THAT would establish the antagonist and bring the war in early, then cut to Liam failing with the bomb squad. The audience would root for him to get his shit together right off because it’s clear the sniper needs to be dealt with. They just don’t know how this bumbling soldier will do it so they’ll watch (or read) to find out.
15-25 Show the war here but not on TV like on pg 14, cut to Afghanistan instead, introduce a couple of soldiers which will play a role with Liam later. They can talk about IED’s etc. This section can be the debate re: whether he stays home with his love/ takes a safer low profile assignment vs taking the dangerous route which will land him on the front lines in Afghanistan. Shows us the danger involved with the 2nd choice. His brother’s legacy and the discovery of a unrealized talent can help push him toward service. Also, the conflict with Emma could come from the fact he’s considering this dangerous assignment and is going to leave her behind. I’m sure that’s a conflict with which all soldier’s can relate. The jealousy of the dog felt a little forced to me.
Act 1 break. I would like to see him in Afghanistan.
30- midpoint. Instead of establishing the Liam/ Theo bond at the training center, I would like to see them develop this bond in the field in Afghanistan but I don’t think it should be so easy at first. Matter of fact, I would rather see it be downright difficult. Liam could get “stuck” with Theo who is the dog that has a great nose but no one else wants because he’s wild. It’s a ripe opportunity for conflict. They have to earn each other’s trust. Again, this is what “Marley & Me” did so well, it showed dog and master going through some hard times- so much so that when they were on the same page, it became a “moment”.
Also, there’s opportunity in this section to make Liam feel like an outsider in his new unit. He’s the guy with the dog, not a rifle. Maybe it’s difficult for him to fit in. I say don’t leave these great sources of conflict on the table. The dramatic bow must be strung! The third act is already very moving and that’s a testament to the strength of your premise. Add some conflict and obstacles in here and you’ll seriously make some people cry!
Midpoint could be the moment that dog and master realize they need each other. Things come together for them as a team. They gain acceptance.
After the midpoint, My suggestion is… don’t change it!
End of 2nd act low point. Theo has a seizure and he (along with Liam) are relieved of duty. Good beat here!
Third Act- I love it! The ending is powerful and effective. Nice job!
PACING: OK to begin with but this script really took off when they hit Afghanistan. Pacing was excellent from the midpoint on. Felt like I read the 2nd half in ½ the time as the first half.
CHARACTERS: Liam was well drawn and multi dimensional and if a dog can be well developed, Theo was. Moreover, the bond between them was incredibly well written. I really felt the trust these two had in each other and it’s so important a reader does because that’s the spine of the story. The Hayes character is a keeper. The sniper was good and I thought his role could be expanded as the antagonist. Emma and Dave were functional but I wouldn’t expand their roles because that’s not where I personally see your story. Will, Terry, Mark, Adam, and the other soldiers kind of blended together for me. I’ll make the same comment as I did in “Champion”, have a couple of soldiers “personify” all soldiers, give them goals and quirks and we won’t mix them up. The other soldiers can be window dressing. I liked Haroon and felt he’s a good candidate for the B story if you had Liam in Afghanistan by the beginning of the 2nd act. I liked how you incorporated the Taliban characters, it’s important that the enemy is not faceless and it provided the script with an interesting perspective.
DIALOGUE: The dialogue is good. It felt natural. The story was told more by action than dialogue. The couple times I had a suggestion, I mentioned it below.
THEME: Commitment: to family, dog, girlfriend, and country. Sadness and randomness of the killing that occurs in wartime. Good!
STYLE/TONE: I like the opening scene but, as mentioned, I think the sniper scene would do an even better job establishing style and tone up front. I did feel like the tone of the movie changed in the bar with the banter between Liam and Emma, the buying of beers, etc. Maybe a little too cutesy? From the mid point when Liam and Theo arrive in Afghanistan, there was no ambiguity re: what type of movie this would be. Before that, it was a little inconsistent. If the marketing aspect is considered, it seems to me a producer interested in this premise would likely be looking to make a “war” movie and, if that’s their expectation, that isn’t delivered in the first half of this script. My opinion is that this script would not only be more compelling but it would be an easier sell if you got him to Afghanistan earlier. I know, broken record, but my one track mind keeps coming back to the same thing.
Page notes:
P 1- all nitpicky small stuff but the devil is in the details – bold vs regular slugs- dealer’s choice but I prefer regular. I personally wouldn’t use continuous in this manner. I think of continuous, for example, when characters move between rooms and the camera follows them. Those shots on the first page are all different. I’m sure you’ve heard stay away from “beats”. I haven’t seen the hyphens before and after INSERT, BACK TO SCENE, etc. Be better off without them, IMO. I think you could cull this script for adverbs – there are quite a few and 90% aren’t needed. Would make a fast read faster. Examples on this page. You say it’s deserted- I don’t think eerily quiet is necessary or just use; Quiet. Superior tells him, “Turn it gently”. Then you use slowly, delicately. There, I feel he’s listening to his superior so I don’t think the 2 adverbs add anything. Now, if the opposite were true I would use the adverb, ie, if he turned it harshly or abruptly. Enough on that before I get too annoying. Character descriptions – your descriptions are very literal and focus on physical characteristics. Now if they have tattoos or something that tells us about character- good. This is the one place in your script where you can write a good ‘ol unfilmable and get away with it. Give us a blurb about who this person is. One interesting way to think about this is; imagine you’re having a drink with a friend and someone is going to meet you at the bar and you want to tell your friend one line about the person coming. You may say something like, “Yeah, he’s the kinda guy that seems like he’s out to lunch half the time but don’t be fooled. He doesn’t miss a thing.” I picked up some good advice about this on “The First 15”.
P 3 You can just introduce Phil, instead of Drinking Bloke, at the bottom of the page but make sure this guy has a purpose in the story. I would think about cutting him entirely. The bar scenes weren’t my favs, see my comments above.
P 5 I don’t think you need the ellipses when Phil picks up his speech again (…And start things). I once looked up the proper spacing for ellipses and there really should be a space before and after (ie, Hey … that’s my sandwich.) but in screenwriting it seems to have commonly morphed into just the space after (ie, Hey… that’s my sandwich.) Anyway, there should be at least a space after the ellipses. You left the space sometimes in the script and other times you did not.
P 9 terms like slapper, saucy git make me laugh. Love British slang. Kinky sex line sounded clunky to me, leave that in the subtext. I’d prefer having Dave fall. Emma looks at Liam, disappointed. Liam, “I better get him home. Come on, bruv.”
P 12 I like the Liam/ dog scene. I did question if they would keep their rifle aimed at the dog when Liam was so close/ in the line of sight. Would they use a tranquilizer dart instead of a bullet? Shooting a grieving dog would be bad PR.
P13 Does that mean “go commando” as in not wear underwear?
P14 seeing dogs everywhere funny.
P16 one hyphen after still. Off of look would be better replaced by a non verbal cue from Liam in an action line.
P17 Wasn’t quite sure why Major was so adamant that Liam doesn’t come back. Is he that bad?
P18 good Liam/ Dave scene. Again, I don’t think the double dashes are necessary when the speech is picked up, when Dave says, “The Yanks.” I won’t mention this anymore.
P22 interesting you used soccer instead of football for us over here .
P24 I like this Taliban perspective- good job! Develop the antagonist.
P28 stroking the knackers is a keeper, lol.
P38 picky but “Theo ages a couple months.” Sounds like you are describing a shot where he morphs into an older dog. If you keep this montage, could just write Theo, a couple months older, sniffs , etc.
P43 I think underlining dialogue is the standard for emphasis- not caps.
P48 I like the little moments with Dave.
P53 Hayes is good. Would like to be introduced to him before page 40.
P55 Will and Mark’s conversation seems a little unnatural and explainy to me. Something like Will, “Rules of engagement. That’s taking the piss. How ‘bout we just slot the bastards?” Mark, “Do your fucking job and quit bitching. Is that E.C.M. working?” may be less so.
P64 decrepit spelling.
P65 I like this about clear, hold, and build. Challenge your audience to think about what’s going on there. I wouldn’t mind more moments like this.
P69 I like that Emma is pregnant. This story is really kicking in!
P71 Great show of instinct and skill by both Liam and Theo. Great! Give me more! Don’t keep it a secret that this is the team that found more IEDs than any other handler and dog combo. A character that is exceptional at something keeps my interest.
P75 You gotta have the sniper wash and change clothes before the checkpoint or not have him covered in blood and brain to begin with. I couldn’t buy that they would even need Theo to identify him otherwise. He would stink with that baked into his clothes and hair, etc. I don’t think dirt would cover it.
P76 One opinion but I don’t think you need to flashback to stuff you just showed.
P78 This feels like they are a little too ready to throw L&T under the bus here. Terrorists
and Taliban pose as citizens and Theo has shown some skill up to this point. It just doesn’t seem quite logical that they would dismiss his ID of the sniper so easily. I don’t think anyone would expect the sniper to bring his rifle and ammo through the checkpoint. Probably, “Methinks the passenger doth protests too much.” would kick in and arouse some serious suspicion about this guy. This important scene could use a tweak.
P88 Don’t introduce new characters this late unless absolutely necessary. Cell Phone Taliban can easily be introduced prior, even if he plays a minor part in an earlier scene.
P95 I like how Liam thought Theo was shot.
P97 I think it would be powerful if the officer specifically said Liam’s been shot and needs blood and everyone rushed out to get in line. I like the doctor, blood donor interaction.
P99 Dave USES- what’s that – the second typo?
P101 I’ll have to research how Theo died. I think that part should be factually correct. If this is it, that’s crazy!
P102 Last scene with the super gives me chills- REALLY powerful stuff!!
read -
A review of The Long Road Homeby brrose on 07/07/2011A simple story, well told. That was definitely the quickest I've ever read a screenplay on the site. I'll blame that on 3 factors. One, the script is 91 pages. Two, this was well written and well formatted and thus no problem to get through it. Three, the premise of this script is very simple, no twists and turns. Never had to re read or check anything twice. The outcome was... A simple story, well told. That was definitely the quickest I've ever read a screenplay on the site. I'll blame that on 3 factors. One, the script is 91 pages. Two, this was well written and well formatted and thus no problem to get through it. Three, the premise of this script is very simple, no twists and turns. Never had to re read or check anything twice. The outcome was as I expected, eventually these two sad, grieving people took solace in each other. That's the only ending that made any sense for your story IMO. There would be no arc without them coming to terms.
The script has many strengths including strong characterization, visual descriptive writing, solid dialogue and structure.
The big negative I see is that the script suffers from a concept which lacks much of a hook. The story feels very small and is very much a "slice of real life" and I have mixed feelings about that. I have an affection for character driven pieces and I don't need to see stuff explode to enjoy a movie. That said, I couldn't help but ask myself multiple times during the read if this idea is big enough to warrant a 90 min. feature be made of it. I'll say this, in lesser hands the answer would be a resounding NO! You executed this well enough to leave some doubt but the bottom line is I still think it has to be bigger.
I didn't sense any real goals for Noreen or Jayce except make it back home...but there were no real obstacles to that goal (except maybe a brief bout with a flat tire). Like Noreen, I was underwhelmed with Jayce's conviction to become a professional musician and I never felt like I learned what Noreen wanted in life. Abby was a little one dimensional. I wondered if her premature death would be more poignant if Jayce had some unresolved conflict with her, like they had a spat where he's in the wrong before she went on the boat with her dad. Maybe that conflict is resolved at the funeral when Noreen forgives him in Abby's stead.
I have to say I learned little from the flashbacks in general. Of course Jayce would be reluctant to go to the cabin with Abby's parents. Noreen gave him the same hard time in the present as she did in the past (board game). I feel like that same argument played out too many times in the present, I def. didn't need to see it in the past. I also saw him doubt himself multiple times in the present so I didn't feel like I needed to see that in the past, too.
Some notes (minor stuff):
pg 1 "might almost" in 2nd sentence turned my ear the wrong way. Redundant to have these words together.
pg 2 Bandaged finger capped? No big deal but I don't understand why. "Abby, back to mom, opens..." I'm not sure what "back to mom" means (guessing it's a look). I think Mom should be capped there.
p13 "absentmindedly" 2nd time you've used this unusual adverb. The sentence reads better without it. You also use it later in the script.
p16 "see what he's seeing," also turned my ear on edge. Think it reads better as just, "He can't bring himself to look away." or maybe "He wills himself to look away but fails."
p18 Questions in action lines breaking the 4th wall- I'm not a fan of doing this.
p22 "It takes him a moment for him to..." Again, dissonance... delete (for him)
p27 Think a person would have to be at least 75 to say traipsing. Forties is old, but not THAT old. You already gave her an old lady name- one that I've never heard for a woman in her forties. I think you should young her up a little (different name, no traipsing) so there could be a hint of sexual tension between these two. I don't know why but I picture Julia Roberts playing the Noreen role. I think the threat of something happening would create some interest. Speaking of which, I wondered what her story was- she had one child at age 20 and never had another but married the father? A little unusual. What happened to her marriage?
p51 gases (gasses) looks wrong but I looked it up and it seems as though it can be spelled both ways. Paragraph at bottom "He looks out of it..." 3 sentences say exact same thing to me. Think only one of those sentences is needed.
p53 Don't like the line by Jayce at bottom "...making it seem like you lost more than I did." She lost her whole family- only daughter and husband. She lost a hell of a lot and I really disliked him here. Matter of fact, much of the trip is about him pouting but what about her? I have to congratulate you here because I'm pulling for Noreen, the total bitch.
Random note: Poor Dan's death seems to be completely lost, it's all about Abby. Again, some history about their marriage would be nice.
p54 (it's) OCCUPANT
p55 there's another absentmindedly. It's not needed.
p57 Noreen " You're twenty five years old and you still (live) at home."
p59 the (CONT'D)'s appear next to speaking characters when speech is interrupted by action. Not consistent, however, and the (CONT'D)'s aren't needed anyway. You didn't do it page 66 for example.
p75 like when Jayce doesn't fight back. Now damaged goods physically and mentally. Symmetry is achieved. Fitting he wears the mask of his pain on his face. Now his mind and body can heal together. BTW, I vote to delete the word, one, from the first sentence on this page.
p76 I think your montage formatting is awkward. Never seen montage with sep. slugs for each beat. Montage slug should describe what the montage is about. Then list beats by number... 1), 2), 3), etc. No need for the word, musical. It's director's choice- Montage means cue music anyway.
p85 give INSERT, followed in CAPS by what's inserted (book, letter, tv screen, computer monitor, etc), it's own line. details under it. In this case INSERT - TV SCREEN, next line...
p86 "Noreen has woken up and taken notice..." Another phrase that didn't sound good to me.
Nice ending as it should be. Nice arc for Jayce and Noreen- well done.
Overall, I liked the execution of this story and it was an absolute pleasure to read. Very personal and accessible, but lacking in stakes. I could see a low budget indie market for this but it would need pumped up before it would be worthy of a feature IMO. Certainly demonstrates writing skill which makes me wonder what you would do with a "bigger" concept that has more general marketability.
Best of luck with it! read -
A review of Mr Hamilton's Bookshopby brrose on 06/28/2011I love books. I think most writers are first readers. I've been hoping to catch up with this script for a while as I was hooked by the premise of a boy with a love of books who stumbles across a magical bookshop. It may not be the biggest hook for many but it was certainly up my alley. I wasn't disappointed and I think you've crafted a wonderful story here. After reading your... I love books. I think most writers are first readers. I've been hoping to catch up with this script for a while as I was hooked by the premise of a boy with a love of books who stumbles across a magical bookshop. It may not be the biggest hook for many but it was certainly up my alley. I wasn't disappointed and I think you've crafted a wonderful story here.
After reading your script, I can't help but wax sentimental about the state of these small book shops with dusty books on the back shelves. In the US, they've been folding like a stack of cards to the point where they don't really exist anymore. While this script has been posted Amazon.com announced their sales of e-books topped hard copy book sales for the first time ever. If a bookstore doesn't offer fruit slushies, fancy lunch panini's or have an affliation with Starbucks, it's a serious flaw in their business plan nowadays. This is punctuated by the fact that when I take my kids to the bookstore, they run right past the books and want to know what I'm going to buy them in the toy section. Grrrr!
One of the reasons I bring this up is I wondered how a younger audience would respond to this story as they don't have the shared experience with these bookshops that you and I have. Ipads, kindles, smartphones, gaming, laptops - yes. Old books with yellowed pages from the neighborhood independent bookstore- they would have no idea what that looked like, smelled like, etc. This piece felt nostalgic to me and I LIKED that but it also made me wonder who exactly is your audience?
Some thoughts:
First of all, I'll make formatting comments to get them out of the way. Your writing is too good to present it in a non professional manner. FADE IN: should be at left margin. I wasn't a fan of all FADE TO BLACKS, FADE UP ON's, etc. in the middle of the script. I like one FADE IN to start and one FADE OUT to end but that's me. I didn't understand all the CAPS. They should only be used for technical instructions, SUPERS, possibly titles, character first introductions, and optional for sounds. Continuous should only be used when there's NO time lapse (there's a time lapse p27).Try to stick to DAY, NIGHT, or possibly CONTINUOUS in slugs. I've never seen SAME TIME (P 39)and how could anything be shown same time unless it's split screen? You have a couple of 4+ line paragraphs that would look better broken up but they were few and far between. DISSOLVE TO:'s do not designate a flashback. Flashbacks aren't formatted properly- FLASHBACK should be in slugs and the body of flashback shouldn't be italicized. pg56 - - means interrupted speech and it's redundant to put (interrupting) parenth. in the next line. A couple times I though your wrylies were not needed - p105 (pleading) is another example- that scene is all set up and we know he's pleading. Ok is a word= okay. Been told no bold- pg 16 - just put in quotes (like the bookmark reads: "HAMILTONS..." Trottier's Bible (where I get this stuff) says book titles in quotes with CAPS, not italics. Don't need CONT'D in dialogue unless it carries over from prev. page.
pg 2 think we should have some kind of time designation in the slug indicating we went back in time to St Joseph's. Confusing to read the first time.
pg 3 really like your tagline about "it ends with another beginning. Like all good stories." That belongs on the movie poster! Nice bookends (excuse the pun) with narrator at beginning and end.
pg 6 Alfie's book list is great device. gives him motivation. BTW, I love how you took care to keep a book near Alfie at all times. A reader really gets a sense of this kid's love for books through the visual, not by him saying, "I love reading!" When he wants to join the reading group, I said "of course he does". Good writing!
pg 10 no strong antag has been introduced (Will doesn't cut it- we should know the REAL antag by now). I'm thinking Alfie and the gang should have a brush with Mr Hamilton in the first 10 pages and then Alfie goes back alone like he does around in the early 20's.
pg 13 Alfie's taking risks- He takes the book from Sophie's bag- protag taking action- good!
pg 21 More action by protag - visits the bookshop.
p26 Ah he takes the bait (the book)- he made the wrong choice and it was consistent with the character you've established. Good structure/ good storytelling.
p30 raising the stakes with reveal about reading own book.
p54 good midpoint with "false victory" when he executes plan with Tom's old book. Leads to much more trouble.
p54 Why not write "A SHADOWY FIGURE of an old man lurks behind Mr Hamilton." saves a line and avoids all those meaningless words.
p67 not quite sure why Alfie got cursed when he reads Tom's book. I assume it's because Mr Hamilton wrote his name on the inside cover.
p81 love all the trapped readers- good idea!
p82 good low point.Nobody can ever leave unless curse is lifted. Impossible odds.
p90 wait there's hope! they have a plan.
p91 Teasing us- nice job. there's no hope again.
p92 Have to say, the Brendan suicide read flat to me. Seemed random and Alfie's only reaction was shaking his head and then Brendan's never mentioned again. This is a good plot point but undersold. Can we know that he's turning things around and his life is beginning to show more promise so I can feel worse when he dies? Can you somehow motivate his actions more with some inner demons that get the best of him? Something that Sophie and Alfie (and the audience) worries about and when he jumps it confirms their worst fear about what he's capable of.
p101 great Alfie/ Hamilton showdown scene- well done!
p104 I wonder what jackie's role is in Alfie's life. She's an underdeveloped character to be taking up such prime real estate in your script. Why is he living with Dad? Did I miss something?
p105 Why doesn't Alfie talk to his dad? It can't be because of the Tom accident because he lived with him many years afterwards. Why would he assume this episode was his dad's fault when he has no memory of what happened? I guess I could see Jackie blaming Frank but something didn't feel right there for me.
p106 loved the found paper. I'll also say this script is filled with similar little treasures that are so effective and it's a pleasure to read a script from a writer that sweats the details of a story.
p108 It's just too convenient Frank had complete amnesia for so many years and all of the sudden remembers EVERYTHING, then Frank and Jackie cuddle. I like happy endings but too much movie magic for me on that one.
Overall, this is a great script and your sense of story and character is very strong. I enjoyed it very much and wish you the best with it! read -
A review of PETE HARRISON: REALITY STAR? VER 2by brrose on 06/24/2011It was a pleasure reading this script. Plenty of white space, few typos or formatting issues; pages kept turnin'. Not every joke resonated with me but I certainly found parts of it very funny. I see writing a comedy as an incredible challenge and this is a solid effort. I also appreciate that this script just goes for it when it comes to including so many public personas. Hey,... It was a pleasure reading this script. Plenty of white space, few typos or formatting issues; pages kept turnin'. Not every joke resonated with me but I certainly found parts of it very funny. I see writing a comedy as an incredible challenge and this is a solid effort. I also appreciate that this script just goes for it when it comes to including so many public personas. Hey, if you feel it- write it the way you want. The casting director won't be sending you flowers for this one, though.
Some notes:
pg 2 Continuous in the slug doesn't seem correct- there's a passage of time since the prior scene.
pg 4 I don't think kahoonas is the right word. I thought it was like cajones and that was confirmed by a cross ref. with online urban dictionary. Plenty of other funny names for boobs.
pg 5 Having the tv dads hanging out is just ridiculous...and funny. Of course, Bob "short fuse" Saget is the most colorful. funny line. "It will be if..."
By page 10 I understand his plight. He's a has been in an elite club of other has been tv dads. Does he move on with his life or cling to the past? Former isn't funny, cling to the past to regain former glory it is then.
pg 10 I first thought Ricky was in his show and when I saw he wasn't, I wondered why these guys hung out. A little background re: their relationship would help. I have to say the Ricky character was my least favorite in the script. He had little character development, no unique needs, his goals not clear. He seemed to be around for cheap gags but the gags would have been funnier if his actions were somehow ironic in relation to his character traits, wants, needs, etc. And his wants/ needs should be completely different than Pete's - as near as I could tell they were about identical.
pg 11 I did like the "I was worth million when I was your age. " line
p15 I don't think the parenths are needed with the flashback.
p20 farting after eating tacos didn't work for me. like the Alan Thicke- canadian bastard line.
p25-39 a couple important story beats are in here but def. not enough for 14 pages (About 15 % of your entire screenplay). Mitch is tied up in the basement, then after threats, finally agrees to help Pete. There are some decent jokes in there but they die on the vine if those moments aren't integral to pushing the story forward. I found this section too long and static. Since page 14 they've been at Mitch's house working on kidnapping Mitch (flashback with failed attempt obviously in there too) to make him help bring sitcoms back. I was starting to feel like the story was stuck in neutral. I DO like how Mitch didn't directly give Pete exactly what he wanted in the end however. He made him do a reality show which complicates Pete's quest to achieve his main goal to get his sitcom back.
p40 this feels like the midpoint when Pete has a show again (a false victory as this leads to more complications and obstacles). Seems like he is taking concrete steps to achieve his goal. A little early for this beat.
p49 Sara is out of the blue but she's funny. When a character isn't trying to be funny is exactly when they ARE funny.
p60 Not much subtlety with the Ricky cliche gay joke. Have to say that sounds like it would be annoying to watch. Think it would work better if it was dialed back a couple notches (no ONJ headband).
p62 football scene feels wedged in there. doesn't seem like it belongs. Didn't see any purpose except for the slapstick humor of balls bouncing off Pete's head. Montage formatting unusual- should describe what happens in the header, ie MONTAGE - PETE GETS DRILLED WITH FOOTBALLS.
p66 A great funny moment is set up when Pete discovers the editing and the gay stuff but I feel like this scene left a lot on the table. Just felt like this discovery moment should have been funnier.
p66-74 long stretch with Todd Franks, Steven, Pam, and Christine. I think this is a poor structural choice. This is too late to introduce all these characters and I didn't care about any of them (I know Todd was seen for a moment earlier, no lines, though before now) and I'm wondering why they are occupying such prime real estate in your script. If you want characters to have any impact at this point in the script we need to know more about them EARLY. This is where we should really see some heavy conflict/insurmountable obstacles with Pete, put him in a hole. Put what he wants most in jeopardy.
p77 Now he's taking control but it all feels too easy for him because the end of 2nd act beat was missed IMO.
p83 I like this when Mitch puts the squeeze on him - feel like this should have been 10 pages ago and should flesh this out more.
p86 I'm not a dog lover or animal lover in general but I didn't think killing the dog was funny. Much more downside there than upside.
p95 Pete and Mitch should fight- not the audience vs Mitch while Pete watches.
In summary, this is a quirky comedy with a solid concept. Many funny moments but I felt like gags took precedence over story and structure at times and ultimately lead to this script underachieving on it's potential. For what it's worth, I think there still would be a great story here if all the characters were fictional (no famous personas) and it would be something that would be much more marketable.
read -
A review of 13-Romeoby brrose on 06/21/2011Good script! I like reading stories from TS'ers that write about what they know intimately. Familiarity with the subject matter breeds a unique voice that I want to hear. Your passion and understanding of these characters and situations leapt off the page for me, let me into their world for a little bit. It's much easier to buy the fantasy if I feel like the foundations are... Good script! I like reading stories from TS'ers that write about what they know intimately. Familiarity with the subject matter breeds a unique voice that I want to hear. Your passion and understanding of these characters and situations leapt off the page for me, let me into their world for a little bit. It's much easier to buy the fantasy if I feel like the foundations are rooted in reality and your screenplay is a good example of that.
I like your colorful descriptive writing and the dialogue was very good. The strongest part of the script was the protag. You did a great job developing him and his relationship to both the force and Amy. Showed his flaws but he remained a guy for which an audience will cheer. Not easy to do and I think that will serve you well.
On to my notes:
I thought your set up was excellent through pg 13. I really felt him being pulled 2 different directions and was invested in your characters early.
pg 3 Loved his little prayer and even more so, later, as he used it as a mantra to get himself prepared for battle. A nice touch. Reminds me of Maximus in Gladiator rubbing his hands in dirt.
I'll point out some typos that jumped at me- won't be exhaustive list: pg 3 BOT (staring) back
You had me searching who Dane was. He should be introduced before he speaks. Could put the following sentence above his first dialogue and The habitual bachelor ... can remain under.
Nice detail with the carp- nasty fish that nobody eats anyway. Like the callback later.
pg 8 Baxter- "then get the fuck out." Knew you were setting that up but funny anyway.
pg 9 Baxter (putts). Like this scene , even Baxter is trying to pull him away from the job but it's becoming clear Shep ain't havin' it.
P13 Amy's dialogue critical at top of the page- I was starting to wonder what exactly what was so bad about retirement. That helped.
p13 (flight's)
p15 The guy actually f'ing smiles made me f'ing smile when I read it.
Flashback pg 13-18 I like this sequence here to show that Shep's the man. I have to say, however, I had trouble picturing the exact events and I went back and read it again and I still didn't quite get what was happening. He risked his neck to save the woman but lay out the details better for a easier read IMO.
19-22 Dempsey's Diner scene. I didn't like this scene much. Felt I lost momentum here. Too much about Ma and Pop, characters that are not needed in your story- never resurface. Their banter carried no interest for me. Some of the dialogue here seemed contrived to restate theme "We could lose this place but at the end of the day, he's all I got. More than I'll ever need." Is she talking about Shep and the force or Ma & Pop. Seemed like the former to me. This could be a 3/4 - 1 page scene that shows him standing her up.
p25 didn't catch (your) name, p30 why (catches) a glare capped?
pg 34 Locations are sometimes confusing and you have missing slugs. I made a note of it here; slug- ext boston streets and the shot is int. Shep's cruiser when he is talking. The whole script needs to be carefully combed for location/ slug consistencies.
Overall, I like the meeting Amy flashback- locking in back of police cruiser was clever. Hope it was based on a true story.
pg 44 wasn't Grace introduced pg 4 - wouldn't need capped again. Is this a different Grace though? She's 60 in the present (pg 4) and 60's in the flashback- confusing.
Grace and Claire's banter to the pain in the ass caller is mildly amusing but totally unecessary. Feels like a joke you wanted to tell. If you're looking to cut-start here. It's fat.
pg 46 thinks (it) over.
p48 slams Shep upside the (head), for all (I) care
p51 (it's) metal railing
p53 Glass shards (rain) down
p55 flashback- the later flashbacks I don't believe you give any indication when they are and how old Shep is. Made me lose my bearings.
Not sure what we learned new from this flashback. It establishes valor, police bonding, neglecting Amy- you've done such a GREAT job with all this already, I find this flashback overkill and unecessary
p57 (it's) been my experience shitheads... funny line, BTW.
p58 could make it clearer this is a phone conversation betw. Shep and Amy. Have Amy hold a phone- Put telephone conversation in the intercut line.
p60 another place where you're missing slugs- where are we when cruisers cut Shep off? It seems like we are EXT., then INT. Suv but the last location was the intercut line. Confusing.
p70 No clue re: why Trent turned bad guy. Not earned- just seems illogical.
p73 Again, when is this flashback? How old is Shep here? I have to say I learned nothing new here either- not a bad scene with some good character stuff (but stuff that didn't surprise me at all because I already feel like I know this guy). I certainly didn't like this here- IMHO the character stuff should be done at this point- the flashbacks are starting to interrupt the momentum building to the climax and damaging your story.
p78 "I got nine hostages in that room"; 10 hostages -Diane -Trent= 8.
p81 flashback ; again getting the plug pulled out of the drama and tension you worked so hard to build again. Put this earlier IMO. Don't think the shooting range is needed or even the conversation with Baxter. The Amy conflict is the most important part of this flashback and it needs to be shown- just don't like it here.
p83 meretriciously- weird word to use here. This would read much better w/o the adverb.
p88 flashback- I'm liking flashbacks less and less- don't take me away from the gripping action again to cut to meaningless banter with the grounds crew guy and random baseball players that have nothing to do with the plot. As a reader, I'm frustrated. Edwards- Amy- Shep scene has a place- Not here!!
p95 flashback- now I think this flashback belongs or at least I like what you're trying to do with it. This is a nice time to show his vulnerablilty, have a poignant moment with Amy. This could be a deep breath before the finale/ final showdown- keep it here. Just don't have him call her Jane.
p98 (it's) pin dangles
p105 why cap "wall of (officers)?"
Ending: Could def. use a little more on Resnick's motives. The whole operation was too complex/ too much planning to believe the "going postal" about his job angle. He's too smart to do something so stupid. What did he have to gain by making such a scene - nothing I could see, everything to lose, though. He could have easily hunted his old boss down and killed him without the fanfare and risk/expense. Seems like Resnick could have easily been killed with the polygraph set up - did he have any control of the explosives there? Also, he did all this alone? How is he a weapons expert that works for a newspaper? There should be something personal between Shep and Resnick. Maybe Resnick is a former cop or from the service? Give Resnick some character development, Shep has plenty to spare.
I agree that Shep should go out in the line of duty but the way he went down didn't seem right. Would a fellow officer leave him there to die? I found it hard to believe there was no other option- this is the bomb squad- experts. They recognized it - they would have a contingency how to deal with it. Maybe find some other heated surface; I just couldn't suspend belief there was no other option with this type of explosive.
In summary, very enjoyable script and you have a strong writing style. Shep is a great foundation for your story. Amy is also well developed and I found them both likeable and interesting- kudos. I know you will hear, or have heard comments about the flashbacks and I assume that that's why you posted it here- to get opinions. My opinion is that I liked the early flashbacks but the third act flashbacks (with the exception of the one I mentioned) with the character bits need cut or at minimum put somewhere else. The character stuff should be all in place heading into the third act (and it is already w/o the flashbacks). That allows the climax to develop w/o sputtering interruptions. The showdown in the present is where I, as a reader, wanted to be in the third act.
Good stuff- keep at it! Hope something I wrote helps. read -
A review of Prayer of the Headless Mantis (iii)by brrose on 06/15/2011This was fun. I felt like I was reading/watching a game of CLUE. With this piece I feel it would help to know your intentions so I could give you my best advice on revisions. If your goal is to make this attractive to a major studio or a huge general audience, my opinion is the whole concept needs reworked. But, if this a project that you would like to shop to some small indie... This was fun. I felt like I was reading/watching a game of CLUE. With this piece I feel it would help to know your intentions so I could give you my best advice on revisions. If your goal is to make this attractive to a major studio or a huge general audience, my opinion is the whole concept needs reworked. But, if this a project that you would like to shop to some small indie filmmakers or put together yourself on a shoestring budget, you've written an impressive script. Only a handful of characters, one main location, no sig. special effects, easily can tell this story in 80 minutes. I assume that this was an act of volition on your part and I read it and will review it as a potential small budget indie.
Looking at it from that angle, I feel like you can break more rules because it doesn't have to appeal to EVERYBODY to turn a profit. What rules, you ask? To name a few, there's lots of exposition through dialogue like a play, structure/ plot points were a little blurry, nobody to root for (hence the script felt "cold"). The characters weren't very real or 3 dimensional and Theo was terribly cliched IMO. Some suspension of disbelief is required here in general. It read like a parody at times. So...I don't think it works on a large scale but so what if that's not what you're going for. As I said, my gut feeling was that I was more than willing to go along on this crazy ride of twists and turns.
I usually make lists of formatting issues and typos and I didn't have to do that with your script. Your proofing and formatting are both very good and I, as a reader, appreciate that greatly. Three scripts in the top ten and ROM? Congrats! Your professionalism shows in your work.
Some notes:
1. p6 "Youth, where is thy sting?" Funny.
2. Scene pg 6 to pg 16- This is by far my least favorite scene in the script. IMO, you should cut 5 pages off here. Here's the way it played for me in outline form. Please trust me that I'm not trying to be a smartass:
Emily: 1-2 sentences of exposition.
Theo: No way. You're joking.
Emily: 1-2 sentences of exposition.
Theo: You're messing with me because of the book.
Emily: same as above
Theo: I'm not buying it, Is this because of..? etc, etc.,
REPEAT...
This goes on for 10 pages (over 10 percent of your script!). He says he doesn't believe it and then she tells a little bit more of the story. I wanted to choke both of them by page 16. This is a good place to break the rule of short choppy dialogue and let her go into a few concise, longer blocks (with some Theo reaction shots)to get the story out, then move on! This dinner conversation scene doesn't have enough visual interest to keep an audience's attention for more than a few minutes.
3. It would be interesting to know exactly what is Eliana's motivation. Is it just money? It seems like she leads a pretty damn good lifestyle as it is. Get out of a bad marriage? I don't think she would do poorly with a divorce. Or is she just evil? Just evil is how I read it.
4. Theo dies on page 46 and this is a featured character from Act 1. We already spent time investing in this man's story and my opinion is that he should be the one to threaten Eliana in the third act, he shouldn't go away so easily. Sure, kill him later in the showdown but structurally his death seemed premature here. Matter of fact, all of Eliana's killings were a little too easy and she needed a smart, worthy nemesis. I think Theo's the guy. Showdown could create some emotion as they would be not only mortal enemies at that point, but carry all the baggage of being husband and wife for years. Trying to kill a wife or husband is much more dramatic than killing a stranger.
5. Liked the Matheson 1943 "forbidden fruit". Dangers of excess: Is anything 40K a bottle? It wouldn't surprise me.
6.Flashbacks- I know you will get a hard time about these. I don't mind well placed flashbacks and most of yours are. I do think you could show some of this info in sequence, however, without much of a reveal and that would be a more desirable way to tell the story. Ex. pg 58 Clyde's wink could have been shown during the party at the beginning and the audience would have wondered what is the significance of that but it wouldn't give anything away. A good mystery movie drops bread crumbs along the way and often isn't fully appreciated until the 2nd or 3rd viewing. The flashbacks draws attention and sometimes makes it too obvious. Put some of these scenes up front (stuff like Weston's office and the hotel- use subtlety/ subtext in the dialogue) and leave us with the question of "Why is this here?". When we see what happens later an "A-ha" moment is created. It gets choppy to read and tough to follow the story in the present from pages 52-78 because of all the flashbacks. Keep what's critical, sure, but there is definitely room to reduce them. Some give us no new important info.
7. I like the way it ends. Will Harrigan be a worthy nemesis? Because nobody else was.
8. My last note is regarding your synopsis. There is heavy emphasis on the secret she reveals at the dinner conversation but, to be honest, I don't see that reveal as integral to your story. Sure, it makes us wonder what her motives are and shakes up the status quo but it doesn't directly lead to the next plot point ("ignite a chain of events") IMO. In other words, all the stuff that happens later can still happen if she never mentions it at all. Food for thought.
In summary, this is a well written, creative, budget conscious script that only needs some fine tuning. I really liked it. I think you played to your genre wonderfully. I could see this getting picked up on a website like Inktip. Great script to "get one in the can". Thanks for sharing it! read -
A review of Ashlandby brrose on 06/12/2011I was looking forward to reading this as I am a yankee who spent some years living in a small college town in the south. I found this easy to read and your writing and format are good. Your knowledge of firefighting and life in a small southern town are certainly on display here. Dialogue and structure are strong. Unfortunately, though, I have to say this scipt didn't resonate... I was looking forward to reading this as I am a yankee who spent some years living in a small college town in the south. I found this easy to read and your writing and format are good. Your knowledge of firefighting and life in a small southern town are certainly on display here. Dialogue and structure are strong.
Unfortunately, though, I have to say this scipt didn't resonate with me. That's a gut reaction. I hope you take that for what it is, one random person's opinion. I see am in the minority as the script has done well on the site. In the interest of being as honest and constructive as possible, I will offer some possible reasons:
1. The overall concept of a college student joining the fire dept. doesn't hook me. I don't know why but when I read the logline I thought that there was going to be more parody in the story. More over the top stuff. It ended up very much a slice of real life in a small southern fire dept. A busy one at that (Wow, that was a lot of fires and emergencies for a small town!). You did a very nice job establishing these characters as "real" people and I liked that...but I was waiting for something extraordinary to happen to them, esp. Keith. Why did this story have to be told? What happened just seemed like a bunch of regular stuff for a small town BUSY fire dept. The conflicts were present for sure but the stakes seemed low. Maybe even petty and mundane. If he lost the battle with Toby- get a new roommate. If he lost the battle with Paul- avoid him or be a firefighter somewhere else or don't be a firefighter at all. If he lost battle with professor, lose his scholarship and that's a much bigger deal but he certainly didn't seem to care and I didn't either when he left school. He could go to school somewhere else later. No high stakes present IMO to hold my interest.
2. I had a problem with your protag I alluded to above. What is his purpose? What does he want? And more importantly, what so bad will happen to him if he doesn't get it. In basic terms, I feel like the first act should present the protag with 2 major options and he should willfully choose the "wrong" one. Yes, he did this- chose firefighting over scholarship/ school but I'm still asking why? The seed needed to planted better as to why this kid has such a passion for firefighting that he is willing to throw away an education under scholarship. I needed something much stronger to make me want to take this ride with him. When the characters don't care that much - neither does the audience. Even your logline says he joins on a whim- there needs
to be a better reason (that an audience will sympathize with and understand) to make this decision which sets the whole story in motion- whim doesn't cut it. Also, we hear he has some kind of troubled past but we never see it. I would have much rather have seen him doing some dirty deeds a few years prior to starting school or see him released from a juvenile detention center and then flash forward to campus. Would have created more empathy (it would have been nice if I could have been pulling for him more) to see this kid try to right his ship, fight his demons and do something constructive. I don't like the opening you have, I felt like your first 6-7 pages were very slow and all that happened was he drove to school and got dropped off by his pain in the ass parents. Mundane acts. Much time was spent on characters (the parents) that, in the end, had little bearing on the story.
Some random comments:
1. As I said, I liked your writing but the flowery descriptions of looks and reactions in the action lines would be better left out IMO.
2. pg 9 - I really liked that he was a natural student- gave him an unexpected ability that made him interesting. More depth to his character.
3. pg 13 I didn't quite get why Toby rushed him besides he's drunk- that could be enough ,I
guess. I'm sure that it was also Lindsey but nothing too crazy was going down. He left her wet and half naked in there. It would have played better if more tension was set up earlier.
4. pg 14/15- I thought this was the moment that the story was going to really kick in but it was anticlimactic. Nothing came of it except he met Jack. Again, I thought there was going to be more parody, like they would lock him up like Rambo and frame him or something because he was this smartass yankee college kid.
4. p15 I made a note of "He is afraid and therefore aiming to dispense some misery." Writing like this is taking the easy way out. Show his fear (physical reaction or action), show him dispensing misery. Then the audience will know what you're trying to convey.
5. p24 re: roommate. Keith "I punched him in the face." Good line!
5. p29 I made a note that I like your slug subheadings(mini-slugs). Good formatting.
6. At mid point I was still having a hard time keeping track of the 10 or so named firefighters. Do we need a different group of guys to train them or can they be trained by characters we already know? Can they have more distinct qualities or names? Can there be 5-6 total? I like Mickey, name and character dev., for sure. I got used to Paul and Jack pretty quicky. I didn't mix up Yoda, of course. Rusty was a character in a crash but that would be a great name for one of the peripheral firefighter characters.
7. p82 I work in the medical field and I always seem to making medical comments about scripts I read on TS. I'm not looking to do this, mind you, and am not trying to be pretentious but I feel obliged to help when I read all these medical scenes that have little basis in reality. This code scene is another one of those. It makes no sense- He is lying there without a pulse and they are worried about his meds and allergies? His brain is getting no blood or oxygen as Keith practices his spanglish with the wife? The only relevant history is how long has he been down? and the fact he's on the floor without a pulse and he'll have irreversible brain damage if something isn't done in seconds. They would encourage her to get out of the room immediately, rip his shirt open, hook the AED up and it would shock him if necessary, then CPR. Shocks wouldn't help if he were "flatlined", however. It makes ZERO difference that he has a pacemaker. Some pacemakers have AICD (defibrillators) but if a man was down, ACLS protocol would still be followed. A pacer lead could be fractured, "not capture", battery died, or other techinical glitch. It's OK to shock someone with an AICD/ pacemaker also but shouldn't be necessary as the unit should do it by itself. That would be obvious as soon as he is hooked up to a monitor. I can't help it, stuff like this throws me WAY out of the story.
8. "We're drunk and in this squirt gun." Isn't this the next day? Seems to be a long time to still be drunk. I would think the hangover mode would be kicked in for Keith. Mickey wasn't as drunk the night before - how is he drunk now? He also had a very similar line on page 103 "We're drunk and out of service."
9. I liked your ending and that's a great place to be strong. Hated to see Mickey go but Keith needed a kick in the ass to reevaluate, decide what's next. I liked his arc there.
In summary, I like your writing but I just wasn't hooked by your concept the way it is and it had a lot to do with your protag. I think personal taste has a lot to do with it, too. I do
hope something I wrote helps you with the next draft. read -
A review of I am Alienby brrose on 06/09/2011I've been out of touch with the Sci-Fi stories for a number of years and reading your script reminded me how much I really enjoy them. Made me think of school days when I used to read Ray Bradbury paperbacks. Overall, I found this script to be compelling, creative, easy to read, and enjoyable. I appreciated that you wrote a character driven story and didn't fall into the trap... I've been out of touch with the Sci-Fi stories for a number of years and reading your script reminded me how much I really enjoy them. Made me think of school days when I used to read Ray Bradbury paperbacks. Overall, I found this script to be compelling, creative, easy to read, and enjoyable. I appreciated that you wrote a character driven story and didn't fall into the trap of relying on explosions and special effects to tell your story. Having said that, there are some pretty great scenes in your script I would love to see onscreen with CGI.
I'll start with the boring stuff- my comments about your formatting. Take it for what it's worth. Using your first page, I think ON TV should be formatted as an INSERT and have a line of it's own. You have a slug problem- should have double space before slug and should not use parenthesis for time of day (which really should be just night and day). You have inconsistencies in your slug formatting on the 1st page and throughout the script. Should have time of day on all your slugs unless you're using secondary heading (or mini slugs).
Continuing on page 1:
1. Why is stethoscope capped? Why is news network capped? Don't get why POLICE CARS and SILVER SUV are capped - they aren't characters. Why is moon landing capped? There isn't one (the) moon landing- there were 6 manned moon landings. Why cap bus?
2.You capped YELLING but didn't cap slams phone shut. More an FYI, I understand it's optional to cap sounds.
3. I thought KELLY was a woman but it quickly got straightened out.
4. I had no idea what you meant by "paper clippings of conspiracy theories".
5. Odd description of LONGO relaxed, yet we are introduced to him YELLING.
6. Don't like the "we" in the action lines- 2 on the first page.
7. Script is loaded with unfilmables, some of which I don't mind. Overall, though, I think there are too many. Especially the ones that describe what the characters are thinking. "There's some kind of military background assoc. with both men." is one on the first page- it's not terrible but I don't think it adds anything. We already know that they are rugged, experienced, brawny, intensely mannered. Matter of fact, I think you tend to repeat yourself in general to "lay it out" for the reader too often and this script could really be tightened if you went through it with a keen eye to avoid saying the same thing in multiple different ways. Expositional dialogue could be culled. In fact, whole scenes could be deleted and I'll get to that later.
Done with the first page. Will also cast my vote on CUT TO:'s, questions in the action lines, beats (old fashioned)- don't like any of them. Think you have unnecessary parentheticals (pg2 frustrated, many more). You have a cap problem on the first page and elsewhere in the script. Specifically I remember that you didn't cap Mom when was being used instead of her name. What I mean is "Yes, Mom." would have a cap but "Where's your mom?" would not be capped. There's an apostrophe problem (ie it's/ its- I saw this several times). Enough of the minutiae. I realize there are variations of formatting rules.
Now to the story. I loved the concept- that a regular guy could be exceptional in some way he doesn't realize. This is a strong premise that's been done in superhero origin movies (love them). The way this was done, however, reminded me specifically of one my favorite movies, UNBREAKABLE. What I liked about that movie so much is that the character and the audience learn that this guy is special (strengths and weaknesses) at the same time and it is a slow reveal that builds. Ultimately, he harnesses these powers in a showdown scene that is very powerful. I say this because I would have liked to have taken a similar journey with Anthony. I didn't like when Val pg 5 said "welcome back alien man". It sort of took the fun out of learning who this guy was. I loved the scene in UNBREAKABLE when he is lifting wts in the basement and he (nor the audience) has no idea how strong he really is. I think a scene like that would be great in your script. Give him an ability that humans don't possess and have him discover in what ways he's exceptional onscreen. Furthermore, have him use this exceptional ability in the third act to save the woman he loves (and the world by coincidence).
That leads me to the biggest problem I have with the script- the ending. It was very anti-climactic for him to ask and, poof, the world is saved. No showdown, no drama, no excitement, it didn't really even make sense that they would let him go back because they had little empathy for human emotions such as love and friendship. Would they understand his feelings enough to take all the trouble and go save the world? It would have been easier to not let him go back. My thought (don't be offended- I read your prod. notes) is he should have to use his exceptional ability to save the world in the third act, not rely on his breathren aliens. Maybe change sides because he has been "polluted" by human emotion.
I made some notes;
pg 13- code scene -not terrible but not accurate, either. I hate to play my "I've run codes" card but I have (not trauma codes mind you) and this needs work. Where you trying to make Alice an incompetent fool? I would be happy to go into more detail with you if you're interested but the big things I see are:
1. The doctor would intubate, not the nurse. Doctor would order blood.
2. Trauma surgery team would be first called.
3. Alice first questions wouldn't be "how long bleeding- how many wounds?" It would be "Is there an airway, pulse. If pulse, is there BP and what vital organs are compromised?"
4. No pulse?, they would immediately go into ACLS protocol which you can look up online. Depending on the heart rhythm, they would shock her immediately (not if monitor flatlined though).
5. The code leader would be calling out for epi, atropine, etc- 1 person is code leader (doctor)- all other follow directions. There aren't bags of epi and atropine- they are IV push meds. How would the audience know which meds are brought into the trauma bay?
6. Alice "we'll find out later. Right now we need to clear this room." A person just died and she puts on the hat of janitorial supervisor seconds later? Not even a remote chance anyone would say this.
I apologize if that's too much - I could have written more. It's just not believable as it is to someone in the field, if that matters.
pg 27 -29 scene in staff lounge is not necessary. It's all redundant exposition. Why not have him pull the vials out (like you have), ask if his wife in the lab could keep a secret, and let's not talk here- end of scene. You've set that up so well that's all the audience would need. It would be obvious what the implications are.
p44 It's a warning plain and simple- made a note that this is ex. of unnecessary redundancy. One of those its/it's examples, too.
p48 This is a good scene- I just wondered what happened to his cut- did it heal quickly? this could be a scene like I mentioned where the character and audience find out what's exceptional about Anthony.
p50 radio should be voice over
p61 nurses don't go to med school.
P62 would have liked to know something about Jerome earlier. Lot of exposition here but do like how you broke it up with the tea.
p76 "I don't think you should be." didn't make sense in response to what Anthony said. It would if he said scared.
p86 collective saying a slang phrase like "it is what it is" didn't fit.
Really liked the tatoo, The presidential involvement, Kelly and Longo, the serpo accords, visuals of the alien hub, strange "transporting" and encounters with Jane Does that occur with Anthony.
Nessa and Anthony could have been a little better developed as it seemed to be the reason the world was saved.
Overall, I really enjoyed your script and you have a fantastic imagination and talent for storytelling. This script as it reads now is very strong but I don't think this is your final draft. This could be something exceptional- keep at it! I'm glad I finally got to this - hopefully it doesn't cost you a credit. read
Comments About brrose 57
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happywash on 02/06/2013
That's what I thought. I like that evilness. She seems like she could be a character in a larger story (her resourcefulness and her viciousness). I had fun reading it today. -
postmortem on 01/10/2013
Hey, Bruce! Thanks back at you. -
wanderingmbhorn on 01/10/2013
No problem, Bruce! You guys are all fun writers to read, so it wasn't too difficult, haha! Thanks for a fun read!
John -
heylang on 01/05/2013
brrose wrote:Hey Pierre, I'll definitely take advantage of that review raincheck. Thanks. I've seen chatroom conversations in movies but usually they are in V.O. while something visual is happening onscreen. That would be difficult to do with your premise, though. I think reducing the chat would help. This is one of the Ultrabook shorts (the best one I think) and it's based on an online conversation but uses fantasy sequences and V.O. while they chat. You may find it interesting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=pZgDevrsszA
Thanks Bruce.
Gee. that was a pretty slick production, wasn't it? Very well done with a very satisfying ending that I thought they were going to ruin.
The V.O. with the imagined visuals does give me a lot of thoughts and makes me think of a lot of other possibilities.
Thanks for that. -
vilflor on 01/05/2013
Thank you for thanking me for my recent Witches’ Brew review. To be honest, by the time I was finished with it I had decided that I didn’t like the assignment, and would almost certainly pass if I were ever assigned another batch of short scripts. It took me twice the time to read the full script, and easily twice the time to write my review, and I’m not at all satisfied with the end product. Those scripts ran the spectrum, all the way from polished professional to amateur. But being aware that EVERY writer in the group would be reading what I had to say about other scripts, I sometimes held back on both my criticism AND my praise.
In your case, I confess that I restrained my praise. It easily was among the best thought-out and best accomplished shorts in the script. Rereading it, I still believe that Scott needs more on-air time to demonstrate that he deserves his fate. But Rachael is an absolute gem, and your dialogue is sparse and sparkling. Very well done.
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heylang on 01/05/2013
Hi Bruce,
Thanks for your freewill review of the WOW Anthology. I appreciate you taking the time to do this and I agree with your comments for FIRST LOVE, I think the chat room conversation is a bit lengthy.
I'm glad you liked the way I showed the passing of time. I wanted focus, purely on the screens and that provided a perfect opportunity to show a different time of the year between each scene in order to imply an establishing relationship. It just needs to be shorter. I'd like to work on this a bit more for this season's comps.
Now, I owe you a review. I never got back to you regarding your Ultrabook short and I apologise. There was a lot of stuff going down during the second half of last year and I'm afraid I ended up neglecting a few people. This year will be much better so whenever you want, send something through.
Cheers,
Pierre. -
D J Sheridan on 01/03/2013
Hi Bruce,
As I can't review the WOW Anth I'll review yours here (even though I know we shouldn't).
This was a great short story and well worth the WOW factor for this. Both main characters were well placed and even though I felt for Rachel she was a worthy adversary to do the killing of her cheating boyfriend.
I did like the first draft as it lent to a secondary WOW moment, but the revised version still worked.
Thanks for your time and effort into the WOW and hope that my editing, etc. was what you envisioned for the anth.
Dave -
TINCA on 03/17/2012
I wanted to thank you for the wonderfully detailed review of my story "The Getaway". This is my first screenplay, and I know it seriously needs a rewrite...which I am currently working on. I have taken many of your comments & suggestions to heart as they can only help to make it better! Thank you again.
Tonya -
AndrewAlderete on 02/09/2012
Great show on The First 15! Make sure you check it out here:
http://trigg.la/2012/02/the-first-15-ep-14-submission/
And it should be up on iTunes by tomorrow!
http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-first-15/id494953582 -
DebraSwan on 01/14/2012
brrose wrote:Debra,
I can't thank you enough for taking the time to read my scribbling. Your review was just the kind of feedback I'm looking for and will be a big help with my rewrite! One note I'll make is that I've been using more sentence frags and I think they are being picked up as grammar errors (which they are!). I'll probably go back and put some verbs back in and make sure things are clear :)
I'd love to check out your work so let me know when you need a fresh set of eyes.
Cheers,
Bruce
I was happy to do it. Have a great weekend!
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Comments About brrose 57
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Quote
That's what I thought. I like that evilness. She seems like she could be a character in a larger story (her resourcefulness and her viciousness). I had fun reading it today.
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Quote
Hey, Bruce! Thanks back at you.
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Quote
No problem, Bruce! You guys are all fun writers to read, so it wasn't too difficult, haha! Thanks for a fun read!
+ more commentshappywash on 02/06/2013
postmortem on 01/10/2013
wanderingmbhorn on 01/10/2013
John