c4stein1
member since 01/03/2008 |
last login 01/13/2013
Following my dreams of becoming a writer / director. Polanski, Aronofsky, Cronenberg, Argento, and Kubrick are my inspirations. Currently, working as an Casting Associate Producer in LA....
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Following my dreams of becoming a writer / director. Polanski, Aronofsky, Cronenberg, Argento, and Kubrick are my inspirations. Currently, working as an Casting Associate Producer in LA.
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Reviews by c4stein1 26
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A review of LOCK THE DOOR (VER 2)by c4stein1 on 02/26/2011Right off the bat, I wanted to say that your logline hooked me into reading yours over the other two options. Bravo! I like the base concept. A group of thugs are going to kidnap a billionaire's daughter in our to extort money and the only thing in their way is a lonely babysitter. High concept, easy to see the pitch and trailer. You're already 90 percent ahead of everyone... Right off the bat, I wanted to say that your logline hooked me into reading yours over the other two options. Bravo!
I like the base concept. A group of thugs are going to kidnap a billionaire's daughter in our to extort money and the only thing in their way is a lonely babysitter. High concept, easy to see the pitch and trailer. You're already 90 percent ahead of everyone else. The title isn't quite working for me but not that it's not catchy but it doesn't give me a good picture of the story. After reading, I think this story is not quite were it needs to be. There are a dozen tiny issues that, to me, make the script not work fully.
- The biggest issue to me is believability and logistics. The gaping holes to me are:
1. This is a billionaire's daughter. She isn't going to be left alone with a babysitter. You even remark about it in the script that this guy has more money than he knows what to do with. Of course he's going to have servants, house guards, a nanny and an intense security system. I have a really hard time believing that he wouldn't at least have guards at a front door and gated property. Let me put it this way... If you want to right now, you couldn't drive up to Bill Gates front door and ring his door bell, no way.
2. This vampire non-sense. Ever since Twilight, people have been breaking vampire rules left and right... without true weaknesses, they are boring and lack dimension, just like humans. By the time we get to your 'vampire' in the script, you try and set up new vampire rules to make your first act possible, it's the same thing that you did with the billionaire logic. You needed the thugs to be able to get in and get her and you needed her to become a vampire but needed to explain why she was out during the day...
- There's some balancing that needs to developed. In the beginning, you have these extremely bad ass villains just jacking some kid up for petty drug money. Imo, they should have been on to bigger and better things a long time ago. Do they really need a team of guys to torture him? Really they could just be setting up for the heist to begin with. That's really what this movie is a heist film with a supernatural twist. More importantly, these guys come off beyond capable for that begining scene but when the 'vampire' comes out... they're a bunch of wussies. They have no shot at winning which is the most disappointing thing about the read. What's supposed to be intriguing is how a babysitter is going to protect this girl from ruthless baddies. Imo, the 'vampire' twist ruins the whole story. By the ending, we have a selfish vampire who lost her own so in 'saving' this child she now has the child she's always wanted.
I think you need to go back to concept. The whole concept is what you somewhat setup but don't execute. You build up this relationship with her boyfriend but it ends up being used well, same thing with the relationship with the kid. The natural dynamic that she will be at odds with is her love for her boyfriend vs the love for the child that she lost and how that plays out when the villains have the boyfriend and she has to protect the kid. That's great drama. Again, I would look at the execution of those characters within your story so that moment is excruciating for the audience. When that moment comes now, there's no competition. She's choosing the kid. Make it harder for your heroine to 'do the right thing'.
Page by page:
1 - You're not revealing character here; you are giving us a way too long cliche set up of two lovers. I got it it by midpage; there's no conflict here until pg3 and it's a setup that's not being paid off later.
3 - Bonding issues. This feels forced like you trying to give him depth but it's working like characterization. The depth comes from his actions remember.
4 - First mystery, what baby is crying? *Note after reading through, this is completely ambiguous, I don't know if this is enough to try to get the audience to get that she lost a child. There are a lot of other visuals that would be must more bang for your buck.
8/9 - Overwriting the dialogue. A lot of what I'm reading can be trimmed down. Such as he talks about peeing his pants... just give us the action line.
10 - This group seems to have their stuff way more together than this torturing for petty cash. I'd make them even more dangerous and cunning, make it seem like there is no chance in hell that this babysitter is going to be able to compete with them; have them do a bigger crime or villainous act; the kidnapping should be easy as pie to them.
15 - I like the cutting back and forth. This is the heist setup where we are seeing the plan. The main issue is are you really using this effectively? There's a lot of useless info being tossed in here where I feel like I'm getting a tour as opposed to an intricate plan. This info here is very important for when it all goes down so you can play off it with twists. Disappointed in the setup/payoff with the flare gun and that the girl happens to be a good swimmer... if your going to mention it especially, pay it off. I was going to mention to give all this exposition a visual but you don't use it later anyway...
16 - Again another issue with setup/payoffs... you mention that she has allergies and the only thing I can thing of is that I think she sneezed later? Again not worthy payoff if there was one.
17 - I think billionaires like this would be concerned about their daughters well being; initially I think you were trying to set up that he's not a great father, but showing the babysitter around contradicts all that.
21 - What's the point of the swerving? Why would the bad guys want the father to notices their van? Does the bad guy really swerve at all Mercedes? Just doesn't seem like it's worth the page...
22 - Lots of unnecessary back and forth. Get them in! We know after the first time that Madison and Emma are having a good time, don't bash us over the head. Economy! You only have so much space.
25 - WHAT?!? He has to live on gated property, right?!? He's a billionaire for god sakes! There's no way that they can just pull up, get out and ring the front door...
26 - She's definitely slow, if she doesn't realize what this is after the first line. There's no conflict here. Why not make her smart and ask Keiko questions showing that she knows something's up? That's a good twist for Keiko who thinks this is just some pushover brat... A billionaire would never make plans like this for himself, especially if they're work related. They're assistant would make the plans and set everything up, so the assistant would never come to the house like this... Also, why would Emma be surprised that the assistant knows Madison's name? The assistant probably knows exactly what's going on with that family... because that's this assistant. You might as well question Keiko of how does she know where he lives...
30 - Baby crying dillio again... but no new info for us to figure it out. The shows getting started a little late here, really the inciting incident is breaking into the house to get the kid. This can be pushed at least 10 pages sooner, easily and not lose anything essential.
38 - What a horrible babysitter! Telling a kid that this horrible people are coming to kill her... great.
51 - What's with all the fading sun references? It's not like there's a ticking clock... *Note: I finally got what this was later... but this isn't good setup for the vampire thing; this doesn't give us a good idea of what's going on and the vampire thing still comes out of nowhere.
54 - They seem a little too nonchalant... how do they know she hasn't called the police on a cell or got off the roof and left? They only have 1 guy patrolling the entire outside.
55 - Here's the deal. Her boyfriend, the one that she supposedly loves a lot and knows much longer than Madison, just got shot downstairs and she's staying upstairs with Madison? Wouldn't she at least try to help him? I'm figure things out a little bit before your characters do...
62 - Well, Emma... epic fail there. Boyfriend dead because she was really, blindingly cocky.
64 - ?????? Wow, that's a reversal from nowhere.
72 - No way, she's a vampire? Why? She might as well be the Abominable Snowman at this point...
74 - And a flashback... Everyone wait for backstory time. Flashback unnecessary.
89 - Little convenient, no?
93 - Why is he turning on them? This is too sudden. A better setup would be him questioning if he wanted to do this from the get-go. He should be on the phone with his Mom, outside in the first torture scene, saying that he's getting out or something.
95 - Why doesn't she just take off? This kid isn't that special...
96 - Why would they bring grenades to this whole ordeal? They weren't going to blow anything up... there was no guards or anything to prevent them from getting in. Another awkward setup.
99 - What? She through a hunting knife at her earlier to kill her? Why the empathy now?
102 - Selfish of Emma... Cliches. There's no downside to vampires? The whole losing power in the final battle seems sudden... I can buy that she's tired and wounded but not that she is only as strong as a human again.
CONCEPT: Strong concept. Not quite so good execution. You have the pieces. You just need to ramp up the conflict, drama, and story of it all. Thugs gong to kidnap the daughter of a billionaire. A babysitter who's lost her own child and is in love with her boyfriend has to protect them and a guy on the inside of the thugs that might turn around.
CHARACTERS: Emma was probably the most developed since we are with her the most, followed by Keiko. A lot of what you're setting up with the characters is characterization as opposed to being their character. One is a surface thing like someone telling the other person is intelligent, but until he actually does something that tells us he is intelligent... it's just characterization with no depth.
DIALOGUE: Overall, alright. Stuff flows. They talk differently. My gripe is that sometimes they're saying stuff out loud that is how their feeling. Some of the dialogue can be trimmed and made less expository.
STORY: Right now, there really is only 1 story in here with no subplots. You aluded to a couple but they aren't developed at all. One is the relationship with Dustin, another is Keiko and the other bad guy's relationship with how that interacts with the 'crew' and the last one is the one guy switching sides. The pieces are there but they aren't executed nearly as clean as they need to be.
STRUCTURE: Rock solid. You have a beginning, middle and end. Things happens about where they need to be. The only issue is that I think a lot of things can be compressed and will need to be when you develop those other plotlines. The story right now it too simple to maintain a whole movie and that's why it needs to be a little more complex with the subplots.
OVERALL: High potential. Right now, I wouldn't recommend this to anyone. This feels like the writer is still trying working out the main kinks. It still needs broad strokes, though I can see this eventually being crafted into a very marketable piece.
Good luck on future rewrites and other scripts! read -
A review of The Mirror in the Cellar (V2)by c4stein1 on 05/17/2010First impression is that your logline hooked me. I was very curious to see where this story would go and how you were going to use the mirror in a creative way for this story. My interest was held until about halfway through and then it all slowly unraveled for me. It's very important in story's that involve some sort of 'magic' that even if we are never told how the thing... First impression is that your logline hooked me. I was very curious to see where this story would go and how you were going to use the mirror in a creative way for this story. My interest was held until about halfway through and then it all slowly unraveled for me.
It's very important in story's that involve some sort of 'magic' that even if we are never told how the thing magically works that the rules that govern it aren't broken. Here's where the story starts to falter for me. I think, if I'm understanding correct, the rules are:
1. If it exists in one world, it can't be brought through into the other.
2. The world's are somewhat opposite but not completely.
3. The time frames for both worlds are the same.
4. The reflection shown isn't a reflection, it's a portal.
5. Everyone has a counterpart on the other side but they have lead different paths?
There's is where all of it gets sticky. I believe you set up Diane to be the opposite of Daniel so you wouldn't have to deal with a universe with him running into himself; and if he had equal he wouldn't be able to go through according to your rules. So, this is broken with everyone else... he's an exception. If his counterpart if a female, then all the other genders have to switch also.
**I know all this you really don't want to deal with but you're stuck with it when you decided to create an alternate universe and it has to remain logically sound for the universe you created**
Besides all the logic issues... I have a hard time getting into this romance, which is the whole basis of this story. An audience wants to see two lovers who are destined to be together but through adversity and conflict are kept apart. We ache for them to be together.
Main concern... I really, really, REALLY HATE Jan. She is completely without any redeemable qualities. And here's the kicker... I feel like Mirror Jan will devolve into real world Jan at some point and this is because Daniel and Real Jan had a history of things they did when they fell in love and then when he meets the Mirror Jan, he goes through those exact same motions. They're love doesn't have that magically moment of where they both connect.
I feel like there's really no good reason why Daniel would need to go back? He seems very interested with only being with Jan so much that he neglects his own son. Why is he putting up the charade for his father, George? What are the stakes of Daniel staying forever in the mirror? Why doesn't Daniel get lost in the mirror and him and George have a confrontation in the mirror world where Daniel has to make a tough decision between the mirror world and the real world?
I think that's what bothered me most. Daniel gets off easy every time. He's reactive / passive during all major turning points. It would work better if because of Daniel spending all the time in the mirror world that his son is actually taken away and must decide whether to go after his son or live in this 'fantasy'. Daniel is the one that needs to destroy that mirror.
I wrote what I thought as I show what I was thinking as I read:
1 - Good opening with the red ball. Very curious how this mirror works. Think you could actually nix this and get to old Daniel discovering it.
4 - Good twist with the abortion and he's moving. Visually, you would need to show a little more for us to get the idea of what's going. I would be confused if it weren't for you're slugs.
11 - Not really liking Daniel or Jan... She's kind of a horrible woman and I don't see why Daniel still has feelings for her. He seems way to wussy. He just gave her the house when he has to take care of the kid... even though it's his house? Why do I want to see Daniel and Jan get together?
14 - Cool, good ticking clock starting.
19 - Okay, so looking for the pictures kind of lead him into the mirror. I can buy it.
24 - So, Margret discovered this all and knows the rules? And I see George does too. Why still don't know why they all just don't live on the other side of the mirror...
28 - Quite a few scenes now that try to explain that she's not a good mother... she shouldn't have the kids. Please combine them.
30 - Lazy writing. What differences are there? You need to visually show us this world so I can understand. As far as I can tell so far... everything is the same.
34 - What's really at stake if George catches him in the mirror world again? There really isn't a danger set up for Daniel at all. The only possible problem is Real World Jan getting some custody of Todd... There's nothing throwing a wrench into the developing romantic of Mirror Jan and Daniel or the real world interrupting it.
40 - Blah! Too easy! It should erupt in a fight and the story should thicken... Have her step up to the plate and him mess up not dropping off the kid... There needs to be setup of redeemable things that real world Jan does that we are happy with them getting together at the end.
42 - Shady guy, interesting subplot starting?
44 - Why doesn't George like to spend time with his mirror wife, Margaret. It's not really explained why he's not gung-ho on this.
56 - Wondering what happened to George's ice cream parlor subplot? Would have been nice to see him going through an arc as well.
76 - The no doubles rule set up... still wondering why doesn't Daniel just want to live on the other side. His son isn't set up as being the lynch pin of why he's not considering this.
78 - And the story has spiraled out of control. I don't believe for one second that Daniel would get a gun and go to Jan's house to kill her... Good for plot, but bad for character and story. Also, this is an abrupt tonal shift. It just got a lot darker by bringing this in.
79 - If you listen to only one thing in this entire review... please remove this one-liner. It's atrocious.
83 - And the story falls apart... The tattoo should be set up earlier, right now it feels like it's tossed in here to 'fix' it. Also in that case, both Sharon and Jan have the same tattoo? Hmmm maybe, they don't seem like the chicks to do that. Even more so, this complete coincidence robs the story of any drama. Instead of forcing Daniel to deal with one of these possibilities, it's handed right to him on a silver platter... still no struggling or tough decisions for our man, Daniel. I think you like him too much so you're dumping on him nearly enough. He can only grow through adversity.
87 - Really? He's over her that fast that he wants her to find someone else? Here's the deal, remember Titanic? The moment where Jack is about to die in the ocean and Rose in on that floating debris? He doesn't say, "I hope you find someone else" and slip away into that ocean. He tells her that he'll love her always as his last dying breath. Their love is eternal and that's why it's tragic there. The audience wants soooooo badly to see them together. This moment should be the worst thing ever for Daniel. His real wife is dead and his mirror wife that he fell in love with is forever taken from him.
88 - Again... he's a little too cheerful after losing his wives. This probably would have HUGE affects on his emotional well being.
93 - Really? REALLY? Screw Jan. She can't be a horrendous, unsympathetic whore of a woman for 93 pages and suddenly she sees the error of her ways and the hero excepts it like that. God, I really wish he would have shot her.
- How is he supposed to love his redeemed wife when he has another one in his pocket? I would say one or the other.
Overall:
I think you started with a great concept and the will to try something different. I still feel that the execution is falling short of the potential of this piece. There really needs to be escalating hardships for Daniel, what's at stake if Daniel stays in the mirror, Jan needs to somehow be redeemed by the end, and some other things I mentioned above. I actually really curious what the original ending was since I don't think this one works.
I hope my review has helped you. I wish you luck on further rewrites. read -
A review of James At The Gate (Revised)by c4stein1 on 03/28/2010I was intrigued by logline with it's promise of an adventure. After reading your screenplay, I would tighten it up a bit. It is a little vague of what to expect. Tonally, it is kind of an amalgamation of the adventure, comedy, and fantasy genres and that may be why the tone is week. At points, the dialogue was trying to be comedic in the style of Tenacious D or like Superbad,... I was intrigued by logline with it's promise of an adventure. After reading your screenplay, I would tighten it up a bit. It is a little vague of what to expect.
Tonally, it is kind of an amalgamation of the adventure, comedy, and fantasy genres and that may be why the tone is week. At points, the dialogue was trying to be comedic in the style of Tenacious D or like Superbad, but it didn't mesh with the rest of it for me. For some reason, I just can't buy James calling his girlfriend a cum-guzzling whore by himself.
MECHANICS:
- It appears there were all these Cut To's in the majority of the screenplay and then suddenly they leave... which leads me to belief they are padding to get you over 90. I assume you already know better. The story is coming off light already, you can definitely fill at least another 10 pages of adventure.
-Don't capitalize all the letters for props or sounds. There's no need to. The only things that need to be all caps are the first time someone is SEEN. When someone talks about someone else before they're introduced... it's just normal type.
TECHNICAL / FACT CHECK:
- Assuming you are from a country that uses the Metric system since Tony grabs a, "200 milliliter bottle of Southern Comfort". If this is going out in Hollywood, I would change it to our measurements. Hard alcohol is sold here in shooters, pints, fifths, and half-gallons. I'm assuming 200 milliliters is about a pint or 16 oz. the size someone would hide in their jacket for events.
- Southern Comfort isn't a whiskey, it's a bourbon.
- No cellphones? Odd choice. I think in this day and age you really have to come up with someone to say that they don't have one because the only people that still have hard lines are people over 40, businesses, or really poor people... but they generally have them anyway.
- Kind of odd pouring whiskey over his split open fist. I know he wants to sterilize it but I wouldn't see why he wouldn't just go to the first aid kit first and try to use some other method. He's not suppose to be drinking on the job and he probably wouldn't want his hand to reek of alcohol.
CHARACTERS
- JAMES: Jame doesn't arc. He's a sad, miserable man who tries his best in the beginning. He's told how to beat Lennad and gets the girl but is stuck in the past. He wasn't set up as being a coward so him being brave doesn't give him an arc. I would work on what does he needs to solve in his life, what's his problem that is giving him this miserable existence (his character flaw) and then have that be what he overcomes and plays a part in killing Lennad.
- BAND OF HEROES: To me, they were all flat. They came together for this grave robbing but it might have been more thrilling for them to share in the wealth of the treasure. They each have a role but they really don't have majorly different personalities. They all don't have individual goals that are in opposition of each other or this different world. Ideally, there would be some B Plot within their own group.
- CARACCIOLO: I'm not interested in this character as is. He's here to give James, a boss or an antagonist in the real world. But, he's not really giving James enough of a hassle. He needs to make James's life a living hell and then later, it should probably be Caracciolo still giving to James when he gets into the museum. He just sort of fades into the background when Lennad comes into our time.
- Why isn't Wilhelm beefed about James mac'in on his chick?
DIALOGUE:
- Definitely could tell differences between the old tyme folk and the present people with the vocab usage. Good job! Within their groups, the people were a little too similar in their speaking patterns and word choice, I would try to differentiate them more. Maybe one of your characters could be Cuban since that's a large population of Miami and can talk as such.
- Sometimes you have people speaking to themselves. Try to limit this. Most of the times when they are, we should be able to clearly see this with their actions.
- Avoid having people say what their doing or what you can show visually; sometimes, it appeared as though you just wanted to have some dialogue in the action to break it up.
- Can really do without the VO on the first few pages. It's not adding anything to your story that we won't understand as we watch the action unfold.
STORY
- I think you have the basics for a good story but it's just not executed well. I really think the strong suit of the story is when James figures out he can use the amulet for spell power. It would be much more entertaining for me to see him discover this earlier and use these powers in Miami... or vice-versa for him to have to adjust to the old tyme's and learn to use his power.
- The whole group of heroes and James running into the other wing and then fighting back to the north wing again just seems redundant. It actually feels like the story isn't really moving anywhere.
- I think you have all these potentials but never really let them blossom. A bored in life security guard in the dumps opens a portal. He sees it immediately and then the stuff happens I think. You have this conflict of different times and never really maximize that potential conflict. Or, the reality of Miami versus the magic of their time.
- Didn't like the Deus Ex Machina ending. Their saved by happenstance. I would weave James figuring out that he can use the amulet another way earlier into the story so he can have an "Ah ha!" moment and fight the demon.
- Have a clear reason why the demon needs this amulet back. This is the kind of shady logic area. Lennad is killed with the amulet on him and then sealed in the tomb with magic. Which, if the druid knew it was danger, why didn't they remove the amulet from the coffin and not bury him with it... since they new he could bring dead stuff back to life? And I'm assuming he wasn't able to resurrect himself because of the magic seal? If so, it seems like he would have came back to life before they sealed him... it just needs to be clearer the rules of him being locked up and why he's roaming around and what happens if he gets this amulet back.
-Where is Parrot go? I think this is dangling. Either Lennad should have killed the kid or used him as a servant somehow.
- I know you purposely didn't have James discover the kid doing the black mass because you want James to find out later and go after him... but it makes it uninteresting. I would have had James doing his rounds and find the kids doing their thing. He chases them out but they don't respect him or whatever... he gets pissed over the situation because he's going to be in big trouble with the boss man so now he goes off on his tirade. This doesn't affect him doing any of the later stuff.
- Go further into building the romantic relationship of Grace and James if you're going to pull out that they are together at the end. I didn't believe that was going to happen and there's an interesting love triangle that could have played a subplot during the story and amplified the conflict between Wilhelm, Grace and James; and then Sarah being jealous of Grace.
STRUCTURE:
- Everything is basically in its place. Act I: Learn who the heroes are, who Lennad is and James. Act II: The two worlds intertwine in the present and Lennad is lose. They want to return to their world and James wants? I guess them to be gone. Act III: Figure out Parrot was the culprit and open portal to old world, climax fight ensues, happily ever after.
- Wasn't too crazy about all the flashbacks. The one with him drinking was unnecessary as we just saw this and would know what he's getting mad about any way you cut it.
- The scene where we learn about Lennad is cinematic but I don't know if it's necessary to understand the warlock. Maybe play around with it out to see how it works.
OVERALL:
- I think there's potential for this, it's just lost right now. You place it in Miami, which is an exciting backdrop. It would be so different from the old tyme world. I wish it would have been bigger. This could be a tentpole. The background of the office isn't wild enough. Make it some sort of unique location. Museum? Art? The actual fantasy convention hall? Have them go on a hunt through Miami even maybe?
-Probably get into the gate situation faster. I think you could really get that going on pg 15, if you get rid of frat house stuff and the intro to Lennad. Personally, would use the grave robber situation to set up the evil warlock and why they need that amulet inter-cut with James starting his shift and just having a horrible time. Everything going wrong for him. Gate pops open.
I wish you good luck! read
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Reviews by c4stein1 26
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A review of LOCK THE DOOR (VER 2)by c4stein1 on 02/26/2011Right off the bat, I wanted to say that your logline hooked me into reading yours over the other two options. Bravo! I like the base concept. A group of thugs are going to kidnap a billionaire's daughter in our to extort money and the only thing in their way is a lonely babysitter. High concept, easy to see the pitch and trailer. You're already 90 percent ahead of everyone... Right off the bat, I wanted to say that your logline hooked me into reading yours over the other two options. Bravo!
I like the base concept. A group of thugs are going to kidnap a billionaire's daughter in our to extort money and the only thing in their way is a lonely babysitter. High concept, easy to see the pitch and trailer. You're already 90 percent ahead of everyone else. The title isn't quite working for me but not that it's not catchy but it doesn't give me a good picture of the story. After reading, I think this story is not quite were it needs to be. There are a dozen tiny issues that, to me, make the script not work fully.
- The biggest issue to me is believability and logistics. The gaping holes to me are:
1. This is a billionaire's daughter. She isn't going to be left alone with a babysitter. You even remark about it in the script that this guy has more money than he knows what to do with. Of course he's going to have servants, house guards, a nanny and an intense security system. I have a really hard time believing that he wouldn't at least have guards at a front door and gated property. Let me put it this way... If you want to right now, you couldn't drive up to Bill Gates front door and ring his door bell, no way.
2. This vampire non-sense. Ever since Twilight, people have been breaking vampire rules left and right... without true weaknesses, they are boring and lack dimension, just like humans. By the time we get to your 'vampire' in the script, you try and set up new vampire rules to make your first act possible, it's the same thing that you did with the billionaire logic. You needed the thugs to be able to get in and get her and you needed her to become a vampire but needed to explain why she was out during the day...
- There's some balancing that needs to developed. In the beginning, you have these extremely bad ass villains just jacking some kid up for petty drug money. Imo, they should have been on to bigger and better things a long time ago. Do they really need a team of guys to torture him? Really they could just be setting up for the heist to begin with. That's really what this movie is a heist film with a supernatural twist. More importantly, these guys come off beyond capable for that begining scene but when the 'vampire' comes out... they're a bunch of wussies. They have no shot at winning which is the most disappointing thing about the read. What's supposed to be intriguing is how a babysitter is going to protect this girl from ruthless baddies. Imo, the 'vampire' twist ruins the whole story. By the ending, we have a selfish vampire who lost her own so in 'saving' this child she now has the child she's always wanted.
I think you need to go back to concept. The whole concept is what you somewhat setup but don't execute. You build up this relationship with her boyfriend but it ends up being used well, same thing with the relationship with the kid. The natural dynamic that she will be at odds with is her love for her boyfriend vs the love for the child that she lost and how that plays out when the villains have the boyfriend and she has to protect the kid. That's great drama. Again, I would look at the execution of those characters within your story so that moment is excruciating for the audience. When that moment comes now, there's no competition. She's choosing the kid. Make it harder for your heroine to 'do the right thing'.
Page by page:
1 - You're not revealing character here; you are giving us a way too long cliche set up of two lovers. I got it it by midpage; there's no conflict here until pg3 and it's a setup that's not being paid off later.
3 - Bonding issues. This feels forced like you trying to give him depth but it's working like characterization. The depth comes from his actions remember.
4 - First mystery, what baby is crying? *Note after reading through, this is completely ambiguous, I don't know if this is enough to try to get the audience to get that she lost a child. There are a lot of other visuals that would be must more bang for your buck.
8/9 - Overwriting the dialogue. A lot of what I'm reading can be trimmed down. Such as he talks about peeing his pants... just give us the action line.
10 - This group seems to have their stuff way more together than this torturing for petty cash. I'd make them even more dangerous and cunning, make it seem like there is no chance in hell that this babysitter is going to be able to compete with them; have them do a bigger crime or villainous act; the kidnapping should be easy as pie to them.
15 - I like the cutting back and forth. This is the heist setup where we are seeing the plan. The main issue is are you really using this effectively? There's a lot of useless info being tossed in here where I feel like I'm getting a tour as opposed to an intricate plan. This info here is very important for when it all goes down so you can play off it with twists. Disappointed in the setup/payoff with the flare gun and that the girl happens to be a good swimmer... if your going to mention it especially, pay it off. I was going to mention to give all this exposition a visual but you don't use it later anyway...
16 - Again another issue with setup/payoffs... you mention that she has allergies and the only thing I can thing of is that I think she sneezed later? Again not worthy payoff if there was one.
17 - I think billionaires like this would be concerned about their daughters well being; initially I think you were trying to set up that he's not a great father, but showing the babysitter around contradicts all that.
21 - What's the point of the swerving? Why would the bad guys want the father to notices their van? Does the bad guy really swerve at all Mercedes? Just doesn't seem like it's worth the page...
22 - Lots of unnecessary back and forth. Get them in! We know after the first time that Madison and Emma are having a good time, don't bash us over the head. Economy! You only have so much space.
25 - WHAT?!? He has to live on gated property, right?!? He's a billionaire for god sakes! There's no way that they can just pull up, get out and ring the front door...
26 - She's definitely slow, if she doesn't realize what this is after the first line. There's no conflict here. Why not make her smart and ask Keiko questions showing that she knows something's up? That's a good twist for Keiko who thinks this is just some pushover brat... A billionaire would never make plans like this for himself, especially if they're work related. They're assistant would make the plans and set everything up, so the assistant would never come to the house like this... Also, why would Emma be surprised that the assistant knows Madison's name? The assistant probably knows exactly what's going on with that family... because that's this assistant. You might as well question Keiko of how does she know where he lives...
30 - Baby crying dillio again... but no new info for us to figure it out. The shows getting started a little late here, really the inciting incident is breaking into the house to get the kid. This can be pushed at least 10 pages sooner, easily and not lose anything essential.
38 - What a horrible babysitter! Telling a kid that this horrible people are coming to kill her... great.
51 - What's with all the fading sun references? It's not like there's a ticking clock... *Note: I finally got what this was later... but this isn't good setup for the vampire thing; this doesn't give us a good idea of what's going on and the vampire thing still comes out of nowhere.
54 - They seem a little too nonchalant... how do they know she hasn't called the police on a cell or got off the roof and left? They only have 1 guy patrolling the entire outside.
55 - Here's the deal. Her boyfriend, the one that she supposedly loves a lot and knows much longer than Madison, just got shot downstairs and she's staying upstairs with Madison? Wouldn't she at least try to help him? I'm figure things out a little bit before your characters do...
62 - Well, Emma... epic fail there. Boyfriend dead because she was really, blindingly cocky.
64 - ?????? Wow, that's a reversal from nowhere.
72 - No way, she's a vampire? Why? She might as well be the Abominable Snowman at this point...
74 - And a flashback... Everyone wait for backstory time. Flashback unnecessary.
89 - Little convenient, no?
93 - Why is he turning on them? This is too sudden. A better setup would be him questioning if he wanted to do this from the get-go. He should be on the phone with his Mom, outside in the first torture scene, saying that he's getting out or something.
95 - Why doesn't she just take off? This kid isn't that special...
96 - Why would they bring grenades to this whole ordeal? They weren't going to blow anything up... there was no guards or anything to prevent them from getting in. Another awkward setup.
99 - What? She through a hunting knife at her earlier to kill her? Why the empathy now?
102 - Selfish of Emma... Cliches. There's no downside to vampires? The whole losing power in the final battle seems sudden... I can buy that she's tired and wounded but not that she is only as strong as a human again.
CONCEPT: Strong concept. Not quite so good execution. You have the pieces. You just need to ramp up the conflict, drama, and story of it all. Thugs gong to kidnap the daughter of a billionaire. A babysitter who's lost her own child and is in love with her boyfriend has to protect them and a guy on the inside of the thugs that might turn around.
CHARACTERS: Emma was probably the most developed since we are with her the most, followed by Keiko. A lot of what you're setting up with the characters is characterization as opposed to being their character. One is a surface thing like someone telling the other person is intelligent, but until he actually does something that tells us he is intelligent... it's just characterization with no depth.
DIALOGUE: Overall, alright. Stuff flows. They talk differently. My gripe is that sometimes they're saying stuff out loud that is how their feeling. Some of the dialogue can be trimmed and made less expository.
STORY: Right now, there really is only 1 story in here with no subplots. You aluded to a couple but they aren't developed at all. One is the relationship with Dustin, another is Keiko and the other bad guy's relationship with how that interacts with the 'crew' and the last one is the one guy switching sides. The pieces are there but they aren't executed nearly as clean as they need to be.
STRUCTURE: Rock solid. You have a beginning, middle and end. Things happens about where they need to be. The only issue is that I think a lot of things can be compressed and will need to be when you develop those other plotlines. The story right now it too simple to maintain a whole movie and that's why it needs to be a little more complex with the subplots.
OVERALL: High potential. Right now, I wouldn't recommend this to anyone. This feels like the writer is still trying working out the main kinks. It still needs broad strokes, though I can see this eventually being crafted into a very marketable piece.
Good luck on future rewrites and other scripts! read -
A review of The Mirror in the Cellar (V2)by c4stein1 on 05/17/2010First impression is that your logline hooked me. I was very curious to see where this story would go and how you were going to use the mirror in a creative way for this story. My interest was held until about halfway through and then it all slowly unraveled for me. It's very important in story's that involve some sort of 'magic' that even if we are never told how the thing... First impression is that your logline hooked me. I was very curious to see where this story would go and how you were going to use the mirror in a creative way for this story. My interest was held until about halfway through and then it all slowly unraveled for me.
It's very important in story's that involve some sort of 'magic' that even if we are never told how the thing magically works that the rules that govern it aren't broken. Here's where the story starts to falter for me. I think, if I'm understanding correct, the rules are:
1. If it exists in one world, it can't be brought through into the other.
2. The world's are somewhat opposite but not completely.
3. The time frames for both worlds are the same.
4. The reflection shown isn't a reflection, it's a portal.
5. Everyone has a counterpart on the other side but they have lead different paths?
There's is where all of it gets sticky. I believe you set up Diane to be the opposite of Daniel so you wouldn't have to deal with a universe with him running into himself; and if he had equal he wouldn't be able to go through according to your rules. So, this is broken with everyone else... he's an exception. If his counterpart if a female, then all the other genders have to switch also.
**I know all this you really don't want to deal with but you're stuck with it when you decided to create an alternate universe and it has to remain logically sound for the universe you created**
Besides all the logic issues... I have a hard time getting into this romance, which is the whole basis of this story. An audience wants to see two lovers who are destined to be together but through adversity and conflict are kept apart. We ache for them to be together.
Main concern... I really, really, REALLY HATE Jan. She is completely without any redeemable qualities. And here's the kicker... I feel like Mirror Jan will devolve into real world Jan at some point and this is because Daniel and Real Jan had a history of things they did when they fell in love and then when he meets the Mirror Jan, he goes through those exact same motions. They're love doesn't have that magically moment of where they both connect.
I feel like there's really no good reason why Daniel would need to go back? He seems very interested with only being with Jan so much that he neglects his own son. Why is he putting up the charade for his father, George? What are the stakes of Daniel staying forever in the mirror? Why doesn't Daniel get lost in the mirror and him and George have a confrontation in the mirror world where Daniel has to make a tough decision between the mirror world and the real world?
I think that's what bothered me most. Daniel gets off easy every time. He's reactive / passive during all major turning points. It would work better if because of Daniel spending all the time in the mirror world that his son is actually taken away and must decide whether to go after his son or live in this 'fantasy'. Daniel is the one that needs to destroy that mirror.
I wrote what I thought as I show what I was thinking as I read:
1 - Good opening with the red ball. Very curious how this mirror works. Think you could actually nix this and get to old Daniel discovering it.
4 - Good twist with the abortion and he's moving. Visually, you would need to show a little more for us to get the idea of what's going. I would be confused if it weren't for you're slugs.
11 - Not really liking Daniel or Jan... She's kind of a horrible woman and I don't see why Daniel still has feelings for her. He seems way to wussy. He just gave her the house when he has to take care of the kid... even though it's his house? Why do I want to see Daniel and Jan get together?
14 - Cool, good ticking clock starting.
19 - Okay, so looking for the pictures kind of lead him into the mirror. I can buy it.
24 - So, Margret discovered this all and knows the rules? And I see George does too. Why still don't know why they all just don't live on the other side of the mirror...
28 - Quite a few scenes now that try to explain that she's not a good mother... she shouldn't have the kids. Please combine them.
30 - Lazy writing. What differences are there? You need to visually show us this world so I can understand. As far as I can tell so far... everything is the same.
34 - What's really at stake if George catches him in the mirror world again? There really isn't a danger set up for Daniel at all. The only possible problem is Real World Jan getting some custody of Todd... There's nothing throwing a wrench into the developing romantic of Mirror Jan and Daniel or the real world interrupting it.
40 - Blah! Too easy! It should erupt in a fight and the story should thicken... Have her step up to the plate and him mess up not dropping off the kid... There needs to be setup of redeemable things that real world Jan does that we are happy with them getting together at the end.
42 - Shady guy, interesting subplot starting?
44 - Why doesn't George like to spend time with his mirror wife, Margaret. It's not really explained why he's not gung-ho on this.
56 - Wondering what happened to George's ice cream parlor subplot? Would have been nice to see him going through an arc as well.
76 - The no doubles rule set up... still wondering why doesn't Daniel just want to live on the other side. His son isn't set up as being the lynch pin of why he's not considering this.
78 - And the story has spiraled out of control. I don't believe for one second that Daniel would get a gun and go to Jan's house to kill her... Good for plot, but bad for character and story. Also, this is an abrupt tonal shift. It just got a lot darker by bringing this in.
79 - If you listen to only one thing in this entire review... please remove this one-liner. It's atrocious.
83 - And the story falls apart... The tattoo should be set up earlier, right now it feels like it's tossed in here to 'fix' it. Also in that case, both Sharon and Jan have the same tattoo? Hmmm maybe, they don't seem like the chicks to do that. Even more so, this complete coincidence robs the story of any drama. Instead of forcing Daniel to deal with one of these possibilities, it's handed right to him on a silver platter... still no struggling or tough decisions for our man, Daniel. I think you like him too much so you're dumping on him nearly enough. He can only grow through adversity.
87 - Really? He's over her that fast that he wants her to find someone else? Here's the deal, remember Titanic? The moment where Jack is about to die in the ocean and Rose in on that floating debris? He doesn't say, "I hope you find someone else" and slip away into that ocean. He tells her that he'll love her always as his last dying breath. Their love is eternal and that's why it's tragic there. The audience wants soooooo badly to see them together. This moment should be the worst thing ever for Daniel. His real wife is dead and his mirror wife that he fell in love with is forever taken from him.
88 - Again... he's a little too cheerful after losing his wives. This probably would have HUGE affects on his emotional well being.
93 - Really? REALLY? Screw Jan. She can't be a horrendous, unsympathetic whore of a woman for 93 pages and suddenly she sees the error of her ways and the hero excepts it like that. God, I really wish he would have shot her.
- How is he supposed to love his redeemed wife when he has another one in his pocket? I would say one or the other.
Overall:
I think you started with a great concept and the will to try something different. I still feel that the execution is falling short of the potential of this piece. There really needs to be escalating hardships for Daniel, what's at stake if Daniel stays in the mirror, Jan needs to somehow be redeemed by the end, and some other things I mentioned above. I actually really curious what the original ending was since I don't think this one works.
I hope my review has helped you. I wish you luck on further rewrites. read -
A review of James At The Gate (Revised)by c4stein1 on 03/28/2010I was intrigued by logline with it's promise of an adventure. After reading your screenplay, I would tighten it up a bit. It is a little vague of what to expect. Tonally, it is kind of an amalgamation of the adventure, comedy, and fantasy genres and that may be why the tone is week. At points, the dialogue was trying to be comedic in the style of Tenacious D or like Superbad,... I was intrigued by logline with it's promise of an adventure. After reading your screenplay, I would tighten it up a bit. It is a little vague of what to expect.
Tonally, it is kind of an amalgamation of the adventure, comedy, and fantasy genres and that may be why the tone is week. At points, the dialogue was trying to be comedic in the style of Tenacious D or like Superbad, but it didn't mesh with the rest of it for me. For some reason, I just can't buy James calling his girlfriend a cum-guzzling whore by himself.
MECHANICS:
- It appears there were all these Cut To's in the majority of the screenplay and then suddenly they leave... which leads me to belief they are padding to get you over 90. I assume you already know better. The story is coming off light already, you can definitely fill at least another 10 pages of adventure.
-Don't capitalize all the letters for props or sounds. There's no need to. The only things that need to be all caps are the first time someone is SEEN. When someone talks about someone else before they're introduced... it's just normal type.
TECHNICAL / FACT CHECK:
- Assuming you are from a country that uses the Metric system since Tony grabs a, "200 milliliter bottle of Southern Comfort". If this is going out in Hollywood, I would change it to our measurements. Hard alcohol is sold here in shooters, pints, fifths, and half-gallons. I'm assuming 200 milliliters is about a pint or 16 oz. the size someone would hide in their jacket for events.
- Southern Comfort isn't a whiskey, it's a bourbon.
- No cellphones? Odd choice. I think in this day and age you really have to come up with someone to say that they don't have one because the only people that still have hard lines are people over 40, businesses, or really poor people... but they generally have them anyway.
- Kind of odd pouring whiskey over his split open fist. I know he wants to sterilize it but I wouldn't see why he wouldn't just go to the first aid kit first and try to use some other method. He's not suppose to be drinking on the job and he probably wouldn't want his hand to reek of alcohol.
CHARACTERS
- JAMES: Jame doesn't arc. He's a sad, miserable man who tries his best in the beginning. He's told how to beat Lennad and gets the girl but is stuck in the past. He wasn't set up as being a coward so him being brave doesn't give him an arc. I would work on what does he needs to solve in his life, what's his problem that is giving him this miserable existence (his character flaw) and then have that be what he overcomes and plays a part in killing Lennad.
- BAND OF HEROES: To me, they were all flat. They came together for this grave robbing but it might have been more thrilling for them to share in the wealth of the treasure. They each have a role but they really don't have majorly different personalities. They all don't have individual goals that are in opposition of each other or this different world. Ideally, there would be some B Plot within their own group.
- CARACCIOLO: I'm not interested in this character as is. He's here to give James, a boss or an antagonist in the real world. But, he's not really giving James enough of a hassle. He needs to make James's life a living hell and then later, it should probably be Caracciolo still giving to James when he gets into the museum. He just sort of fades into the background when Lennad comes into our time.
- Why isn't Wilhelm beefed about James mac'in on his chick?
DIALOGUE:
- Definitely could tell differences between the old tyme folk and the present people with the vocab usage. Good job! Within their groups, the people were a little too similar in their speaking patterns and word choice, I would try to differentiate them more. Maybe one of your characters could be Cuban since that's a large population of Miami and can talk as such.
- Sometimes you have people speaking to themselves. Try to limit this. Most of the times when they are, we should be able to clearly see this with their actions.
- Avoid having people say what their doing or what you can show visually; sometimes, it appeared as though you just wanted to have some dialogue in the action to break it up.
- Can really do without the VO on the first few pages. It's not adding anything to your story that we won't understand as we watch the action unfold.
STORY
- I think you have the basics for a good story but it's just not executed well. I really think the strong suit of the story is when James figures out he can use the amulet for spell power. It would be much more entertaining for me to see him discover this earlier and use these powers in Miami... or vice-versa for him to have to adjust to the old tyme's and learn to use his power.
- The whole group of heroes and James running into the other wing and then fighting back to the north wing again just seems redundant. It actually feels like the story isn't really moving anywhere.
- I think you have all these potentials but never really let them blossom. A bored in life security guard in the dumps opens a portal. He sees it immediately and then the stuff happens I think. You have this conflict of different times and never really maximize that potential conflict. Or, the reality of Miami versus the magic of their time.
- Didn't like the Deus Ex Machina ending. Their saved by happenstance. I would weave James figuring out that he can use the amulet another way earlier into the story so he can have an "Ah ha!" moment and fight the demon.
- Have a clear reason why the demon needs this amulet back. This is the kind of shady logic area. Lennad is killed with the amulet on him and then sealed in the tomb with magic. Which, if the druid knew it was danger, why didn't they remove the amulet from the coffin and not bury him with it... since they new he could bring dead stuff back to life? And I'm assuming he wasn't able to resurrect himself because of the magic seal? If so, it seems like he would have came back to life before they sealed him... it just needs to be clearer the rules of him being locked up and why he's roaming around and what happens if he gets this amulet back.
-Where is Parrot go? I think this is dangling. Either Lennad should have killed the kid or used him as a servant somehow.
- I know you purposely didn't have James discover the kid doing the black mass because you want James to find out later and go after him... but it makes it uninteresting. I would have had James doing his rounds and find the kids doing their thing. He chases them out but they don't respect him or whatever... he gets pissed over the situation because he's going to be in big trouble with the boss man so now he goes off on his tirade. This doesn't affect him doing any of the later stuff.
- Go further into building the romantic relationship of Grace and James if you're going to pull out that they are together at the end. I didn't believe that was going to happen and there's an interesting love triangle that could have played a subplot during the story and amplified the conflict between Wilhelm, Grace and James; and then Sarah being jealous of Grace.
STRUCTURE:
- Everything is basically in its place. Act I: Learn who the heroes are, who Lennad is and James. Act II: The two worlds intertwine in the present and Lennad is lose. They want to return to their world and James wants? I guess them to be gone. Act III: Figure out Parrot was the culprit and open portal to old world, climax fight ensues, happily ever after.
- Wasn't too crazy about all the flashbacks. The one with him drinking was unnecessary as we just saw this and would know what he's getting mad about any way you cut it.
- The scene where we learn about Lennad is cinematic but I don't know if it's necessary to understand the warlock. Maybe play around with it out to see how it works.
OVERALL:
- I think there's potential for this, it's just lost right now. You place it in Miami, which is an exciting backdrop. It would be so different from the old tyme world. I wish it would have been bigger. This could be a tentpole. The background of the office isn't wild enough. Make it some sort of unique location. Museum? Art? The actual fantasy convention hall? Have them go on a hunt through Miami even maybe?
-Probably get into the gate situation faster. I think you could really get that going on pg 15, if you get rid of frat house stuff and the intro to Lennad. Personally, would use the grave robber situation to set up the evil warlock and why they need that amulet inter-cut with James starting his shift and just having a horrible time. Everything going wrong for him. Gate pops open.
I wish you good luck! read -
A review of STUCK (Version2)by c4stein1 on 07/31/2008I was intrigued by the concept that was written in the logline. It seems that these two girls would trip out and be somewhat stuck in this room until they found out how to leave is what I my initial assumption was about the story. I have seen Mulholland Drive but haven't seen Persona by Bergman. Which this screenplay has intrigued me to place at the top of my queue at Netflix... I was intrigued by the concept that was written in the logline. It seems that these two girls would trip out and be somewhat stuck in this room until they found out how to leave is what I my initial assumption was about the story.
I have seen Mulholland Drive but haven't seen Persona by Bergman. Which this screenplay has intrigued me to place at the top of my queue at Netflix. While reading I was getting somewhat of a Lynchian vibe.
I found the story unique but muddled. I was lost at times throughout which is probably the intention but was frustrating on my part. I could never figure out where I was and the ending took what I thought was happening and flipped it.
I was thinking that if there was an older Jane then she must have survived the Root experiment... but then we back track from the middle is actually the beginning and the ending of the begining is really the end and the end never happened cause she's been dead... wow. My mind just blew. The question I ask is what's the significance of mixing up the chronology? To me all it did was raise confusion and didn't enhance the story or hide a significant part.
I enjoyed the root of the story that was in the logline but all the other jazz afterwards just didn't do it for me. I think the heart of this is what happens when two girls are trapped in a trip together and why are they seeing themselves in the peephole... That's intriguing to me because you can have all that intimate conflict between the two girls come out as stranger and stranger stuff happens from their trip.
Think there are too many different things you wanted to pull together and ended up not being as tight a story.
CONCEPT: Like I said I love the logline premise... the whole hospital, astral projection, boyfriend, game show all detracted from what I thought was the main concept. Two jealous women frightened as they trip and unable to leave their room.
CHARACTER: Some of the topics of the story seemed to flow out of nowhere or suddenly like admitting to sleeping with Sara's boyfriend. I didn't see a real reason why she would come out with that... maybe if she was absolutely terrified that she was dieing and wanted to make peace. The deal with the father. Not that they wouldn't happen but it felt like some problem was stated and then it was put about to be resolved immediately. There was no exploring what affect this has on who those ladies are. All this made the characters have a shallow depth. To be honest, I didn't really care about either of them... the closest was when Sara was going to be killed for no reason... but then the next scene made me feel like it was no real... then at the end it was real but I had already written it off.
DIALOGUE: This is probably the weakest area. I couldn't really tell a distinction between Sara and Jane... which becomes an issue when they switch in her after death dream. Biggest thing was they just didn't seem like girls talking. They came off like a guy writing what he thinks a girl acts like. And obviously I don't know if you are male or female... but that's the vibe I got from the reading.
STORY: Story following the main concept in the logline was good, but I really feel like it's muddled up with all this extraneous stuff.
STRUCTURE: I would check back and see if having it told linearly versus your non-linear structure would help the story. I felt like I was intentionally being confused about what has happening but it had nothing to do with the story. The whole issue I have with twist endings is that they have to make sense with what was given to the audience. The way it is now for someone to say that, "oh that makes sense that she walked off the balcony" Just because of the rules you set up are not being followed exactly. You set up saying that space is changed so the story wasn't in the same place and everything was moving... but it only effected the placement of the door and balcony. Following that things are changing position, chances are that that I would think other things would have been changed also like placement of kitchen, the knife.
OVERALL: I think the draft is in a good middle ground right now. I think you need to go through a few more drafts. I think this has a clarity problem especially when there the older her talking about the screenplay and then she gets the root and she's younger... but she was never older in the first place because she's dead (coma state in hospital bed) Which the ending is a little harder to harder to swallow that she's self aware... We are pretty much in her perspective or along side Jane the whole way and then she's is a coma and having these game show dillies going on. If she was truly tripping because of the root, chances are her subconscious even wouldn't know that she stepped off a balcony. A way to get around this would be having the doctor talk about the patient in the room... or showing in reality what happened but not coming from the game show.
My advice:
I wouldn't go a shoot this yourself as of right now. I think your draft is still a bit off from that state. I would go back and look into what the core of this story is... the relationship between the two girls and make it more real. Draw that out and then surround it with the flash. I would also tell this linearly, drop the how she got the root, and everything that happens outside the room. I would do into that relationship and them falling deeper and deeper into madness and losing touch with reality. Sara becoming more paranoid that Jane isn't who she says she is and how that Jane is losing her mind. Jane slips into thinking that she's living her screenplay in the apartment. Climax is the struggle for Sara's life as Jane tries to live out her screenplay. Max comes over the next day and lets himself in since he has her apartment key... find Sara dead and Jane cackling in the corner or convulsing from the root.
But that's a different story then this one.
Good luck and I hope you the best when you shoot this!
Chris read -
A review of The Theory of Everything (v2)by c4stein1 on 07/12/2008Well, I must say that that was a very interesting read. Throughout the journey, I was confused and trying to see what all this means. I think the focus is blurry. At parts, it seems to be about serendipity, questioning if it's fate or freewill that each of them are connected. Part of it is about just those connections and without others witnessing our experiences we done do... Well, I must say that that was a very interesting read. Throughout the journey, I was confused and trying to see what all this means.
I think the focus is blurry. At parts, it seems to be about serendipity, questioning if it's fate or freewill that each of them are connected. Part of it is about just those connections and without others witnessing our experiences we done do we exist really...
I'm just getting confused. It's like all the possible viewpoints of the situation are presented and I'm supposed to wade through it, deciding whether if I'm mostly with Jude who thinks that in the world if infinite possibilities finding Jess was fate. She who thinks it just playing the odds game. Or Jonathan who finally realizes that he has choice.
So what's the theme?
-Fate that ties people together is inevitable
-Fate is really just a game of odds
-There is no fate... just choice.
-Science explains all feelings and who we are
Then the end seems to signify that it isn't really about why or how people are connected but that they are important because they determine your existence.
I just don't know if I didn't get it or what. I had a really hard time. Another thing leading to confusion was the names. You picked three J names... Jess, Jude, and Jonathan. And three C names Charlie, Cary, and Cristof. Not to mention that some of the names are genderbenders aka Charlie, Cary, Jess are typically guy names whereas Jude is normally a girls... at least in American culture. Obviously you can name them which ever way you choose but when having this many relationships just coming at you one after another it takes a lot of concentration to keep everyone separate... and who knows who and why all at the same time, more so than other scripts.
Mix that with a lot of quantum physics jargon and this is quite a read.
Also, I think the biggest thing was there wasn't any subtext. Characters did what they did but were called it out each time. Someone had a commitment issue and the other one told them exactly how they were feeling and what to do about it. That's why it didn't feel right to me. No one really says what their thinking, majority of the time and no one really is that perceptive into others existence and exact feelings. People beat around the bush and lie... and majority of the time you let it go for your own reasons that they don't know.
Few things I didn't understand why they were in there at all:
-Black Cat? Everyone has bad luck?
-Winston, just don't understand why he's necessary. He seems to cause illness... then motivation... I'm unclear as to what he's suppose to represent and how is he doing that in the story.
-1984. Is this a thread of coincidence to show up throughout places to show that fate is working? Or does it have to do with the book? And if it does have to do with the book... I don't get how.
Personally, I would drop the VOs. They don't enlighten us to something we don't understand about the character.
I just didn't feel the jive throughout with the quantum mechanics trying to explain life. To me, it was taking all the romance and the magic out of anything emotional in the piece because it can just be explained away to infinite possibilities or a balance of chemicals.
I know that kinda goes against what this piece was trying to do but between getting rid of the VO, eliminating the quantum stuff, adding subtext I think that's the base story. The part that I was attuned with throughout the piece. I'm interested in how their flawed relationships are connected and how they allow them to explore who they are.
Obviously, this only one review. So take it as you will. This is how this reader felt after reading your piece. I hope my comments help and I wish you luck on this piece and everything else you write!
Chris read -
A review of Popping Frogsby c4stein1 on 07/09/2008First, I must say that I did enjoy the screenplay. I can almost see it as an offbeat indie. Usually I take notes as I'm writing but for some reason I just kept reading... So props to you! One minor thing I noticed was the introduction with the voices over black. I haven't found a source that can be definitive on it but from what I gathered Fade In: is the absolute first thing... First, I must say that I did enjoy the screenplay. I can almost see it as an offbeat indie. Usually I take notes as I'm writing but for some reason I just kept reading... So props to you!
One minor thing I noticed was the introduction with the voices over black. I haven't found a source that can be definitive on it but from what I gathered Fade In: is the absolute first thing in a screenplay and that something like your intro would read:
FADE IN:
BLACK. The sounds of a lighter...
However, I don't really know the proper way. I believe there was a post a little while ago and half the peeps thought one way and the other the other way so.... I still understood what was going on which is the important part... I just don't know the syntax.
Other than that I really like it. I thought it was really quirky and entertaining.
CONCEPT: First thing I thought about was Adaption was afraid this was going to copycat it but you put your original take on it. Bravo!
CHARACTER: Everyone is very unique. I knew each character. I felt they were all very fleshed out. Didn't get any whiffs of them being stereotypical. They all have their little flaws and motivations.
DIALOGUE: Some areas felt that the point being said was right on but the character might have not said it in that way. Only felt like that a couple times. Pretty spot on.
STORY: Pretty good. I really didn't jive with the VO throughout with therapy session. I did like when he was there later with the joint. And I didn't really dig the whole alien part. I got some of the subtleties throughout with the cookies and momma not really be really worried and that it's all a big puzzle to put together. Just for some reason didn't feel good. I guess in general I didn't like flashing back to see the abandonment issues. Seems like he had more of commitment issues (He was more worried about being smothered than left behind except in his flashbacks.) But I think those two issues are correlational where he might not want to commit because he feels he will be abandoned later.
- Pretty much I think the examples in his current life give a light to his issues more than what the backstory tries to do. I really don't know what to do about the alien thing though...
STRUCTURE: Was perfectly fine. I felt the transitions from when we posed the problem, start the journey, moments of revelation and then closure. Great job.
Overall, I would say this is definitely Good. The things holding it back from excellent to me like I said are the VO backstory that ties into the Alien ending. It just didn't do it for this reader. So, I give you a consider ;)
Good luck with this and all your future writings!
Chris read -
A review of Buzzby c4stein1 on 07/06/2008Buzzed is your average run of the mill (pun slightly intended) slasher movie. I could see this being filmed for a straight to video of C-Movies, or even someone shooting it low budget themselves. Like mentioned, I did find it very ordinary. A group of 8 just graduated high schoolers run off on a 5 day trip of finding who they are up in the woods of what I would think is Washington... Buzzed is your average run of the mill (pun slightly intended) slasher movie. I could see this being filmed for a straight to video of C-Movies, or even someone shooting it low budget themselves. Like mentioned, I did find it very ordinary. A group of 8 just graduated high schoolers run off on a 5 day trip of finding who they are up in the woods of what I would think is Washington. Of course, their original plans are foiled and are coerced into staying at the haunted, creepy lumber mill.
Like all teenagers on summer vacation... they lack any common sense or logic. Smoke weed, drink, fornicate until they are corpses. I knew since Tina was introduced that she would be the last one living. Here's the breakdown of everything I went through as I was reading along. Everything noted by the page.
General:
- I would have thought Frank would be more of a stand up guy if his family was being threatened... especially since he's a blue collar lumberjack of sorts.
7 - Frank's reaction to his wife being shot is a little timid... possibly non-existant. I'm sure I would run to my wife.
10 - Why would Larry and Jackson care if the equipment is on or not? I would also think theirs certain safety buttons you have to press to start up such machinery. That it wouldn't just 'mysteriously' turn on. Not to mention after you find out about Timmy. He probably wouldn't know how to turn them on in the first place, because if he can't learn to speak, he probably isn't going to be taught how to use a wood chipper. More perplexing thoughts about Timmy later...
11 - If Larry / Jackson thought someone was there cause of the on equipment, why would they take the chance of shooting Frank and Charlie? I would think that would give the person who turned on the equipment adequate time to escape with the license plate number of their vehicle. Which makes the point of... if they did drive up to the secluded lumber mill, there would have been another car/ truck if someone else was there.
12 - By now, I think Jackson is autistic. He keeps bringing up Good / Bad business? I think only Dustin Hoffman of RainMan has a preoccupation like that.
If Jackson heard Larry's scream... He probably heard his gunshots as well. However, both are unlikely as the machines are roaring.
I would think Jackson would start cutting away the rope asap... not asking moronic questions like what the fuck happened.
13 - Which brings me to... Why the fuck wouldn't he shoot the rope? Secondly, they are lumbermen. I would think people who are in a rugged profession would carry tools like a leatherman on them.
15 - I really think Timmy would have to shove and keep applying pressure for Jackson to be chewed up with the woodchipper.
I get the reference with Crystal Lake... But who in their minds would name their kid that? Also, with Summer Everett. Sounds like a national park.
16 - You mentioned that the one lady PUKEs.. then the next like you name the girl Tina LUKE... now by rhyme she is forever associated with puke.
18 - Sometimes you give unnecessary information in the description. Like that Brandon should be a quarterback for the University of Washington... You do a fine job of letting us know he's aspiring to that with the dialogue.
23 - Okay... There's a math issue here going on. On this page and when we find the diary under the floorboards, you mention the date is 1963 when the original stuff happened. Then mention that we flash forward 30 years into the future in the beginning and that those peeps at the gas station have been around for 35 years. Problem is that 30 years after 1963 is 1993... If this is the case, there is definitely no iPhones. The internet just was released that year... Survivor didn't come around for the US until 2000 and they would have probably owned hair metal CDs themselves. Oh, and no 28 Days Later. So I think you meant it was passed 2000. Technically, you have have to have year be 1973 with no iPhone for 30 years later... placing the movie in 2003... or 1963 with 40 years later and still no iPhone... or at least make either one 34 / 44 years later... since the iPhone was released in 2007...
25 - First feelings like this is a Scooby Doo adventure.
34 - Power on or off? If the water isn't working, why is the mill working? Someone has to fire up that generator. If the ranger keeps sending kids up and murdering them... that cabin has been bound to be lived in by other kids.
40 - Little too much info Tina spills to Rusty... a little personal.
41 - Fake scare #1: They never seem to hear footsteps or rustling of pants do they?
47 - Kill #1: Hmmm... seems far in to have the first creepiness. Pure opinion. It's really missing tension. She's swimming... Oooo boat. SLASH. Chokes on blood. I don't care... I can use one hand to count how many times she spoke. I don't care about her.
At the gas station... She's knitting a fedora? Like the hat that Indiana Jones wears? Interesting...
52 - Mentioned 30 years ago again... either 40 years with no iPhone, 44 with iPhone or the opening scene takes place in 73' - 77'
53 - Also, the kids are probably like 18 years old since they haven't went to college yet. No carding when purchasing beer? Even if they don't, I would think Rusty would be nervous being who he is to purchase it illegally.
Sidenote: Can a suburban hold all 8 of them and their gear? Did Dana / Patty come separately... It seems that way but where's their car? Were they sleeping on the trip up that's why there was no banter from them on the trip?
- Why would the ranger clear the road of the deer? Isn't it a very small chance that they would actually hit one deer's antlers? Why not just attack the car's tires with whatever the ranger used to kill the deer... cause I'm pretty sure it wasn't an axe.
63 - Don't need "Tina is talking"
65 - Fake scare #2: No tension again.
67 - I would think that someone as smart as Rusty, who corrects Summer multiple times on the proper use of Nauseous versus Nauseated, would think more about what he is actually doing. I think it's really stupid to hike 20 miles up to the Rangers cabin by yourself... when you have no phone service... or water / food with you... cause it will take at least 6 - 8 hours to walk there going 3.2 to 4 miles an hour.... without resting.
69 - Seems like a good place to have the whole group walk down to the river to see if Dana / Patty left or to go swimming... and discover all the les-birds gear is left behind.
70 - Round 2 of discussion of murders... not necessary.
71 - Rusty is walking down the middle of the road... yet his head balances on an axe wedged in a tree? He's not close enough.
73 - Absolutely no logic or common sense by any of the victims... Supposedly, she saw the light from the mill and then a second later she sees Trevor... How would he have turned off the light and run all the way over to her? Not to mention how did Trevor kill a deer at night by himself without waking anyone? Secondly, how would Trevor even think Rusty could do that? He's been calling him a pussy.
Sidenote: If it was the mentally handicapped kid... where is he living? How is he able to survive? More of an is he even capable of surviving? Secondly, the book in the boards. Does anyone ever do that? Why wouldn't they just mix it in with the books on a bookshelf or put it in their drawer somewhere? Seems like it would be a huge hassle to every day to open the floor boards to get a book out to write an entry then place it back in there...
76 - There's a mutilated deer on a saw bed. They hear these horror stories of grisly unexplained murders. Rusty's gone to get a tow truck for their blown wheels. Dana / Patty are missing too long now. The place might be haunted. So, Brandon and Summer naturally decide that the best course of action is to break away from the group and go for a run on a trail they're never ran before on. I think not.
77 - He really didn't see the bear trap on the path? They're pretty big...
79 - Bad time for Trevor to lament about not knowing who he is... Comes off as shallow and comical to me.
Wouldn't Summer be screaming the other kids names?
82 - Wouldn't Trevor have shown them all the gun earlier to relax their fears about something going down... He seems like he would be a power hunger guy and brag. Finding a gun is a little easy way out in this light of finding it. And she doesn't even use it later... yup she definitely could have shot Ranger Bob, but no.
83 - Think the woodchipper gag has been used and shouldn't be used a 2nd time. What is lowering him slowly into it by the way? Where did he put the gun while grabbing Brandon?
86 - How did they lose track of Crystal that fast? Weird.
93 - Splitting up again... going after the monster with no gun... Sounds real smart. It's a forced plot device. Same with the beginning and shooting the motor.
97 - So the ranger doesn't think twice the whole time about killing anyone... but now he's gotta do his monologue of motivation... so he extends his time by hitting her with the handle of the axe?
98 - Out of nowhere ending. We think it's this crazy entity that's just doing it because... then thought to be a mutant retarded kid... then reversed to be the Park Ranger... so we are totally over the mutant story... then again so the mutant does live. Not to mention he's like 52...
I was disappointed to say the least. At points, it seemed like the killer was 'hunting' them. Using deer antlers to blow tires, bear trap in the woods. Murdering deer was almost his calling card. To me, the whole story was about these lumberjacks killed... in a lumbermill... and the latter story is really about a beefed park ranger.
Suggestions of what I would do:
If you wanted the ranger as the killer still - I would nix the whole beginning of seeing everything in the mill. There's no point if the murderer has nothing to do with it. You can still have the legend be told and passed on through the ranger and the gas station but we don't need to be there. Everything else is pretty much the same... but I would think that Tina would outwit the Ranger or kill him at the end instead. No mutant coming out of the woods. Maybe even throw in a couple curve balls from the way below...
If you want the killer to be the mutant - I would still do the beginning but show maybe that he was watching the whole thing and didn't know what to do. So now he thinks everyone who comes up to the cabin means to harm him. Then somewhere through out the mystery as it unravels. You show the holding pen where they kept the mutant. They must have kept him separate from the way the diary reads. The kids stumble onto it... think it's a dog pen at first but then there could be old toys made from wood, pillows, cot... and then in the corner in the dark is a cut open deer. Gnawed apart... it looks like teeth opened it up. He's been living off of rare flesh of animals... since he probably can't cook. Drinks lake water. Wears his father's clothes. The ending would be the mutant breaking into the house and she shooting him and him stumbling away into the woods... as Ranger Bob pulls up. She runs out to get help... and either you could do that she is saved cause he said he would come up and check on them since he didn't think there was running water... or that he is in on it with the mutant kid. That he's the one that has been taking care of the mutant all along.
Just my suggestions of what I would do. Take my advice as you will with everything. I figured if you put all the energy into making a screenplay that I could at least do my best in pointing out what I feel are the weak points.
Overall, I think this could mold into something more. I just don't see this as anything but a quick, cheapo straight to video horror as it stands now.
Good luck! read -
A review of From Hell I Cameby c4stein1 on 03/11/2008First, I would like to congratulate you on your blue star! I would have to say this is the first script I've read on TS that I enjoyed it all the way through. With that being said, I was confused in parts and it seems, at least to me, there are some logic and character motivation problems. On Sherra: - Why does she have that gold coin? I would think that possessions would... First, I would like to congratulate you on your blue star! I would have to say this is the first script I've read on TS that I enjoyed it all the way through.
With that being said, I was confused in parts and it seems, at least to me, there are some logic and character motivation problems.
On Sherra:
- Why does she have that gold coin? I would think that possessions would be banned on prisoners except in their cell. So that makes me think she escaped from her cell?
- After the whole hunter scene, she wouldn't have named McGavin by name... as far as she knows he's just a ghost. She would have said to tell them about the man in the picture...
On McGavin:
- I'm a little confused as to why he allows Sherra to follow him? He hasn't had anyone in 20 years... why now?
- At the end, McGavin always knew that it was Officers that killed his family and his brother protected them... However, McGavin went on a rampage after it all, in the woods?
- Why didn't McGavin just go after and kill the officers and his brother who betrayed him after it all happened... 36 years ago? He obviously hasn't let it go.
- Why did he kill his best friend if he knew who killed his wife and son?
- How did Kenn get the drop on McGavin? A couple things happen... McGavin seems to be able to go about the officers but he can't hear a average hunter sneak up on him... Secondly, Kenn was looking down by the river the day before... If he's an average hunter. He would have went home at the end of the day or at least back to his cabin because he isn't going to be camping in the middle of nowhere. So, he catches up with them all?
- How'd Kenn get gutted if he confiscated McGavin's knife?
On Varnell:
- His motavation for not telling his troops or Knight doesn't make sense. He only hinders himself by not saying how it is... there is no benefit for him to keep it to himself other than allow it to be a couple of plot twists.
- Why did Joe Varnell change his name?
- Why would he not support his family from rapists in the force? Because he was new? I don't see what he has to gain for not standing up for his family? The support of his evil men?
On Knight:
- Why is she sneaking through her captain's stuff? It doesn't seem in her character.
- Why would Varnell pack up the police files with him? Why wouldn't those autopsy files be 'filed'? We're talking a huge cover up here. How would they accidentally be shot? There are no bullets found to be held as evidence?
- Find it hard to believe that she dies from Maglite glass shard.
On Secret Cabin:
- Why is there a secret room for? What does this guy need to hide if he's in the middle of the woods? Secondly, wouldn't Varnell know about this place cause he's his brother's friend?
- If they're on the run, why would they start a fire and play the harmonica. It seems like that would give them away.
On the Deer Hunter and Kenn:
- You say Orange Blur. Blur makes me think he's moving fast. When if he was a deer hunter he'd be still or moving slow.
- Wouldn't the hunters hear the screams from Jenkins?
- How good is the possibility that they heard that a fugitive was on the loose in their area the night before... and they came hunting?
- I'm not buying that Kenn believes the fugitive shot his brother-in-law. If he was checking on him, he would have heard 1 gunshot then saw 3 officers near his brother-in-laws corpse... If it happened that quickly, either the officers would have fired on the 'nonexistent' fugitive or they would have come up rushing on the body just like the hunter. So, he is either isn't going to believe them or the officers are going to have to make it realistic.
- I don't know the difference between red and black shells.
Random:
- How could Ethel not shoot the Redhead Rapist? She was raped, her son is being taken away to be killed, and her husband is just laying on the floor dieing... If anything she does have the motivation for is to kill the Redhead. This leads into: you saying they've been dead for 30 years? Either McGavin with 36 years or the other guy is wrong.
- Why wouldn't Varnell just keep stabbing his brother? It seems to just force the plot.
- Where the hell did Sherra come from in the end? From my understanding, she left McGavin to die... so she's a coward. Steps up to the plate on Knight... walks away and screams in frustration... then comes back to kill Varnell... which she doesn't know exists? Seems like she would have either saved McGavin in the first place or thought he was dead for sure... cause he coming back doesn't flow with her desire not to go to prison. She would know that if she shot an officer and got caught that it would be life in prison as just opposed to a few years.
- Deer antler necklace? What's its importance... Maybe you should mirror the scene in one of the flashbacks so it has meaning in the end.
- What's the significance of "Siedow" burned in her hand?
- Why wouldn't they tell the McGavin who they can't ID to get onto his hands and knees... also why allow him to get in the river and get away... and further more why would they let a dieing man in the river if they are going to have to chase his corpse later?
Specific Notes:
- Pg. 23: I don't think he would have said, "he proved it on foreign soil"... I would think it would be, "He's an old friend..."
- Pg. 66: McGavin was behind in the cabin but then somehow got in front of the Officers and set up a trap... right in the area that Jenkins was pissing? Sounds far fetched.
- Pg. 75: Based on what happens on this page where Varnell would have thought his brother was dead up until 2 days ago... The initial picture at the beginning would have been met with him not believing it and she would have asked why... and Varnell would have told him that man died 20 years ago and it would have an exposition of who McGavin is there... this causes the Ghost story to be moot as Knight would have said they have a photo of him. So technically, the line would have to be removed to prevent this.
- Why would they sleep through the night when McGavin was firebombing the tents with Moonshine? Either they would have went after him or took turns staying up or McGavin would have killed them at night.
- You say that McGavin's been living the same day for 36 years... but earlier you said that Vernell has had his badge for 35 years... so how did he sign that police report?
- The whole Vernell being in charge while McGavin was gone... even if he came back would have been a stretch.
- I'm confused about the theme. Knight dies for being true to her badge. Vernell dies for turning his back on his badge and family. McGavin dies because he's overwhelmed with revenge. Sherra goes back to jail for even longer because she killed a man while she was escaping when she was being raped in prison. I don't get what you want me to take away from this. If anything, Knight should live to prove that living by the badge and allowing Justice to be served to those who've done wrong.
It's a good story. However, holes are set up in the beginning and seem to grow and grow until the end. It needs some more shaping to get it where it needs to go.
Suggestions:
- Think this story needs to be a lot closer to what initially happened between his family and his brother and cops. I think the truth of this piece is the aftermath of that event. Of him knowing his brother didn't stand for family and McGavin's attempt to kill his brother. I guess pulling the story back 35/36 years.
Good luck with everything!
Chris read
Comments About c4stein1 22
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DraftierMocha7 on 07/11/2011
Just to get a point across; my film isn't a bit like Cannibal Holocaust or Zombie, it shares the similarity of a ruin with The Ruins, so don't be so quick to be smarmy, when your work is quite frankly horrible -
kepow on 04/13/2010
Hey again, Chris.
Still wondering if you're interested in this:
http://bulletin.triggerstreet.com/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=50992&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0
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brokenarrow on 04/07/2010
c4stein1 wrote:I started perusing your prequel, Folder 1 and things are making more sense. If I have time, I'm going to go through the whole thing. I have a feeling that a lot of the set up to understand what's going on in folder 2 is in 1.
I hope I got it right, making folder 1 ready to lead into folder 2. I also hope folder 1 is assigned; it is taking a beating with the reviews too, and would hate for you to get a headache on your own time. -
brokenarrow on 04/05/2010
Thank you for your review. You were pretty much right with what was happening. The Barrier is actually Ann, and yes, the spirits are her personalities that Trip is trying to restore to her body. As with all SP’s, they play right in the writers mind and I do have trouble wording for others to see. Hopefully on the rewrite I will clear that picture in the readers head as well as mine. Again, thank you for taking the time to read and review, ‘In the Spirit of Love. ‘ -
kepow on 03/02/2010
Hey Chris. Have you seen this thread?:
http://bulletin.triggerstreet.com/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=50992&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0
Let me know if you're coming! -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 01/27/2010
Very sarcastic review but i appreciate the honesty for WE DON'T DIE . -
kslote on 10/11/2009
Hiya.
And be warned, what I have put below is very prescriptive and dictative, what I would do if I had this idea to play with, ( and I wish I did - still loving it ! ) If you aren't in the right head space at the moment, don't read it. Writing is a delicate thing and the last thing I want to do is mess that balance for you in any way...
You asked if I had any thoughts as to how to intertwine Hero and Villian more.
I can see elements in your script which suggest certain things to me. I am a great believer in instinctive writing, that stuff comes out that you then need to step back and look at, see what you did without realising it.
And, with respect, I would make the following changes...
Peter's Mother was a great gardener, her garden was famous in the area, everyone came to her for tips. When she died neither Carl or Peter could stand to look at the garden and it has fallen into decay. A jungle. Now Susan is in their lives, and she has determined to fix that mess out back. Carl has mixed feelings about this, but is an adult and knows this is about moving forwards. Peter HATES her for this. This is moving in on his Mother too much. He is determined this is one area she will not take over, this is one area he can have control of. And he does everything to sabotage her attempts. He is the one who is poisoning things, he pisses on her meagre veg, he puts salt in her potting compost.. and in doing do puts himself top of the Gnome's hit list. For harming the garden.
Peter's primary motivation is to NEVER get hurt like he did when his Mother died. Everything he does is to keep that lid on tight, no feelings, no one gets close. He sees sex as a substitute for real contact. He is notorious for this, a wham bam man. Rachel should be just another notch, and his growing feelings for her just anger him more, this is not what he wants. He is one confused bunny.
The garden and Peter's heart are the same, nurtured by his Mother, then abandoned and left to run wild.
And when he saves Rachel at the end he yells, I'm not losing you too. He finally saves the one he loves, something he couldn't do with his Mother, and heals the hurt he has been a slave to all this time. Saving Rachel saves himself, saves the good man he will become.
Because his Mother was killed by a Gnome. She used to drag them to show gardens at weekends, and at one, despite the DO NOT TOUCH signs, she picks a rare flower, causing muttering and stamping in the undergrowth, and a small hand stabs a thorn her ankle. She jumps, thinks she has been bitten, collapses and dies of acute blood poisoning, cut from traumatised young Peter at her funeral, to current Peter...( cheesey, but if it works... )
And Peter figures this out, giving him a prime reason for fighting Gnomes.
Mrs K. mentions ( I think ) her Mother came to America from Europe. Maybe, when she was a girl, Mrs K was told all the folk tales from the old country, including the ones about the Kleinertottenmanner. When she sees the Gnome does she have her suspicions ? All her childhood fears dragged back. Is there an odd alliance to explore between her and Peter ? Is she the one who works out that his Mother was killed by a Gnome ?
Watch ORDINARY PEOPLE, or EAST OF EDEN, for classic tortured teens, look for good ideas, then transfer them across. I am not so concerned with tone, or style, I think you still need to get the story right, in all genres.
Take or reject as you feel, this is just me responding to your script, everything is in there, I'm just hoping to help you clarify it all.
Good luck. When you post a rewrite, let me know.
Keith -
kslote on 10/10/2009
Hiya.
Just posted a review of WICKED GARDEN, which I thought a supurb idea. And was thinking some more about it when this realisation hit me, and wanted to let you know.
And forgive me the ego of this, but I think this is 100% core to making this script work.
Peter is your hero/protagonist, yes, and he wants Rachel. This is his primary motivational desire. The Gnome is your villain/ antagonist, and he wants to protect and nurture the garden, and is willing to kill to achieve this.
Yes ?
Then the problem is... The gnome's desire in no way interferes with Peter's desire. And Peter's desire in no way interferes with the Gnome's desire. Your hero and your Villain have NO conflict with each other what so ever, until the last ten pages.
And that, as the man said, just ain't Shakespeare.
Hope this is taken in the spirit it is given. Keep up the good work
Keith -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 09/13/2009
Hey, I read your comments on taking a chance in LA and originally being from the Midwest. I completely agree with you on the absolute necessity of taking risks in this business to move yourself forward instead of waiting for the ones that be to come find you on your sofa.
I'm moving out there in less than a year now, soon as my girlfriend finishes school. Look forward to seeing fellow Trigger Street folks out there. -
RafaelSouza on 08/29/2008
Thank you very much for your review of Haunted!
You have really good observations that I'm going to address in the rewrite. Specially on Monica and Eric and also on Travis' path.
Also, I'll have to work on the title and logline. I don't like them either.
But as long as you had a good time, it is all worth it.
Thank you!
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Comments About c4stein1 22
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Quote
Just to get a point across; my film isn't a bit like Cannibal Holocaust or Zombie, it shares the similarity of a ruin with The Ruins, so don't be so quick to be smarmy, when your work is quite frankly horrible
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Quote
Hey again, Chris.
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Quote
c4stein1 wrote:
I started perusing your prequel, Folder 1 and things are making more sense. If I have time, I'm going to go through the whole thing. I have a feeling that a lot of the set up to understand what's going on in folder 2 is in 1.
+ more commentsDraftierMocha7 on 07/11/2011
kepow on 04/13/2010
Still wondering if you're interested in this:
http://bulletin.triggerstreet.com/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=50992&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0
brokenarrow on 04/07/2010
I hope I got it right, making folder 1 ready to lead into folder 2. I also hope folder 1 is assigned; it is taking a beating with the reviews too, and would hate for you to get a headache on your own time.