a screenplay
by Captiva
Genres:
comedy
What to get for the man who has everything? Another version of himself.
Captiva
member since 06/21/2011 |
last login 02/07/2013
We are a screenwriting duo made up of a playwright and a painter. Together we write films....
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We are a screenwriting duo made up of a playwright and a painter. Together we write films.
Submissions by Captiva
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a screenplay by CaptivaGenres: comedyEveryone has a double they say, but only the "big ones" get a doppelgänger.
Reviews by Captiva 14
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A review of Shardsby Captiva on 02/07/2013Shards is a mystery, much like Momento, about a man who can recollect only shards of events and seems to be popping back and forth through time. He has been shot, he might be a hit man, he may have killed a pretty girl who is dead in his hotel room…Though the premise is not wholly original, it is interesting enough and different enough to keep us going along, waiting to glean... Shards is a mystery, much like Momento, about a man who can recollect only shards of events and seems to be popping back and forth through time. He has been shot, he might be a hit man, he may have killed a pretty girl who is dead in his hotel room…Though the premise is not wholly original, it is interesting enough and different enough to keep us going along, waiting to glean more information. A lot of questions keeps us looking for answers and moving forward- well done for Act 1, but sometimes we need more answers sooner, to keep us going, give us more answers in act 2; don’t save them all for the end.
The character of Ahmed, an Arab man living in Sweden (it’s not clear if he is an immigrant or was born there) is amusing in his voiced over rhetoric on his own state of affairs, trying to figure out who he is and what is happening.
The most interesting aspect of this script is Ahmed’s hope that he might be a better person than he seems to be. The writing is good, especially considering English may not be the writer’s first language (there are some tell-tale signs) the characters, though somewhat stock: the hit man, the mobster, the super cool hit girl, etc. are enjoyable. The setting is interesting, being a dirty city in Sweden (we usually don’t think of Sweden this way) and the plot could be great. The trouble is it’s very hard to follow and took about 3 1/2 hours to read (for me) due to going back over things several times. In an out-of-sequence, non-linear script it is especially important to connect the dots, and they often don’t clearly connect. I’m still wondering what that polar bear had to do with anything; it turns out it was the moose that was the important animal to keep your eye on.
The script has lots of potential. It needs a good going over with respect to typos. I was diligently noting them, but they became too many and seem to intensify toward the end. Also, the writer could benefit- like I was told here in this very forum- from the book, "The Screenwriter’s Bible" by David Trottier to learn about formatting. Better formatting would solve many of the connect the dots problems by breaking the paragraphs down into smaller bits of text and letting the formatting help us SEE what you want us to see. E.g. going to a new line when we see a new character. (this is what took up a lot of time, going back to re-read) No one wants to have to read things twice in Hollywood and they probably just don't, but instead put your script down and move on to the next one on the pile. Also, you need to tell us each and EVERY time we move about in time whether or not Ahmed has the gunshot wound, don’t leave it to us to guess, or tell us at the end of the scene. SHOW us what we need to see.
Some themes that were stated, but not fully fleshed out: the “Jew-Muslim” problem; Racism; Boris trying to fit in with the straight rich guys.
Other things that don't quite add up: The dome -I’m still not sure why it blew up, or who did it; The insurance scene? (don’t think you need it – it’s too local, feels like a personal issue, not to do with the plot); Lola and Ahmed’s relationship, not exactly clear, I don’t know why he cuts her; How do the Angel Tears make time travel actually possible? We are not merely seeing the future, but able to change it, so it’s not just hallucinations. At one point, it seems as if Nadja can perceive the future too, but then this goes away.
I did like the way it ended, ready to start all over again. A good first draft. Looking forward to the rewrite. read -
by Captiva on 12/23/2011If one were to judge sexual mores from current cinema, rality and cable tv, not to mention magazines like Maxim and Cosmo, one might feel we are living in a cultural wasteland where real people are expected to behave like porn stars. This is the world of Dealbreaker, a surprisingly sweet romantic comedy that lampoons the concept of the super hip, crazy-sexy and slothful (a... If one were to judge sexual mores from current cinema, rality and cable tv, not to mention magazines like Maxim and Cosmo, one might feel we are living in a cultural wasteland where real people are expected to behave like porn stars. This is the world of Dealbreaker, a surprisingly sweet romantic comedy that lampoons the concept of the super hip, crazy-sexy and slothful (a video-gamer’s catheter? – wow) lifestyle.
Freya and Miles just don’t fit in. Miles is a dork video game champion who is worshipped by other dorks and doesn’t even know that first base is now penetration - he thought it was still a kiss, silly boy. Freya is a self described “crazy cat girl.” When they meet and like each other their romance is immediately co-opted by their two friends Arun and Ellie (Ellie is actually Freya’s sister, but plays the best-friend role in her life) who advise them to lie about virtually everything about themselves and give them loads of dating and sex advice strait from the pages of Cosmo and Maxim to very funny and cringeworthy results.
The territory here is familiar and well-tread, but Dealbreaker does new things with it and really serves as an indictment on just how far round the bend contemporary society has traveled in the constant search for 'crazy-sexy-cool.'
The only note I would suggest is that while the sparse descriptions are funny, effective and in keeping with the style of the potential film, I’d love to see a little more of what a “foam party” actually looks like.
Thanks for a fun read. read -
A review of The False Flagby Captiva on 12/14/2011Review of The False Flag This script is immediately engaging and progresses with succinct and well-written action from beginning to end. No time is wasted getting into the story of Sean Murray, who strives to be a black opps CIA agent, who after an initial series of tests is put immediately on a very distasteful assignment, and the story just go go goes from there. We get... Review of The False Flag
This script is immediately engaging and progresses with succinct and well-written action from beginning to end. No time is wasted getting into the story of Sean Murray, who strives to be a black opps CIA agent, who after an initial series of tests is put immediately on a very distasteful assignment, and the story just go go goes from there. We get little, but enough, back story, the passionate relationship with his wife, the love of his daughter, to let us know what and who Sean is fighting for and whatever else we need to know is taken care of during brief flashbacks during the action sequences, which are almost constant.
I usually find myself bored reading action sequences, but this time I was not. The script is written with humor and wit and moves very quickly. There are some well deserved periods of rest, for both Sean and his audience about ¾ through (the all is apparently lost portion of the script) and then its full tilt boogie on through the very chilling, very cynical, but not inconceivable ending.
I enjoyed this script very much and would love to see it on screen.
A few possible plausibility issues are noted below, but if others don’t see them they may not be a problem at all. Also a few typos noted in an overall very clean and ready-to-go script. Also, a few other comments about cool stuff I liked.
Bravo.
Pg. 2 If Jugs is watching via the camera, would he not see Sean Murray behind Vasques?
Pg. 38 typo–s/b his face turns to fury?
Don’t quite believe Duke’s reason for not dropping Sean via the thing in his neck. Seems less obvious than shooting the place up and since then the bombs would go off –it will all be covered up in ash and debris and confusion.
Pg. 48 capitalize click.
Pg. 67 – the Smoking Man a little too XFiles – especially with him smoking in inappropriate places like XFiles smoking man did. Unless, of course, he was played by the same actor, in which case it would be kind of cool and also funny – not sure that’s what you’re after though>
68 – Jones & Smith caps
72 – cant they just kill kitty with the computer?
73. with so much tenderness
pg. 78 on his side
pg. 80 scary thought – cell phones
83 – I don’t want to do this with you. – funny! Kitty in the mattress – great!
Pg? The cop believes him a little easily –
109 – did that work – funny
yay – citizen journalist saves the day!
Pg 114. Shit s/b bleep
Wow-
Great ironic title too.
Love the part when he is banging his head against the headrest to drive the knife in further. Great turn away from the screen moment.
Once again, bravo! And good luck. read
Write a Comment
Submissions by Captiva
-
a screenplay by CaptivaGenres: comedy
What to get for the man who has everything? Another version of himself.
-
-
a screenplay by CaptivaGenres: comedy
Everyone has a double they say, but only the "big ones" get a doppelgänger.
Reviews by Captiva 14
-
A review of Shardsby Captiva on 02/07/2013Shards is a mystery, much like Momento, about a man who can recollect only shards of events and seems to be popping back and forth through time. He has been shot, he might be a hit man, he may have killed a pretty girl who is dead in his hotel room…Though the premise is not wholly original, it is interesting enough and different enough to keep us going along, waiting to glean... Shards is a mystery, much like Momento, about a man who can recollect only shards of events and seems to be popping back and forth through time. He has been shot, he might be a hit man, he may have killed a pretty girl who is dead in his hotel room…Though the premise is not wholly original, it is interesting enough and different enough to keep us going along, waiting to glean more information. A lot of questions keeps us looking for answers and moving forward- well done for Act 1, but sometimes we need more answers sooner, to keep us going, give us more answers in act 2; don’t save them all for the end.
The character of Ahmed, an Arab man living in Sweden (it’s not clear if he is an immigrant or was born there) is amusing in his voiced over rhetoric on his own state of affairs, trying to figure out who he is and what is happening.
The most interesting aspect of this script is Ahmed’s hope that he might be a better person than he seems to be. The writing is good, especially considering English may not be the writer’s first language (there are some tell-tale signs) the characters, though somewhat stock: the hit man, the mobster, the super cool hit girl, etc. are enjoyable. The setting is interesting, being a dirty city in Sweden (we usually don’t think of Sweden this way) and the plot could be great. The trouble is it’s very hard to follow and took about 3 1/2 hours to read (for me) due to going back over things several times. In an out-of-sequence, non-linear script it is especially important to connect the dots, and they often don’t clearly connect. I’m still wondering what that polar bear had to do with anything; it turns out it was the moose that was the important animal to keep your eye on.
The script has lots of potential. It needs a good going over with respect to typos. I was diligently noting them, but they became too many and seem to intensify toward the end. Also, the writer could benefit- like I was told here in this very forum- from the book, "The Screenwriter’s Bible" by David Trottier to learn about formatting. Better formatting would solve many of the connect the dots problems by breaking the paragraphs down into smaller bits of text and letting the formatting help us SEE what you want us to see. E.g. going to a new line when we see a new character. (this is what took up a lot of time, going back to re-read) No one wants to have to read things twice in Hollywood and they probably just don't, but instead put your script down and move on to the next one on the pile. Also, you need to tell us each and EVERY time we move about in time whether or not Ahmed has the gunshot wound, don’t leave it to us to guess, or tell us at the end of the scene. SHOW us what we need to see.
Some themes that were stated, but not fully fleshed out: the “Jew-Muslim” problem; Racism; Boris trying to fit in with the straight rich guys.
Other things that don't quite add up: The dome -I’m still not sure why it blew up, or who did it; The insurance scene? (don’t think you need it – it’s too local, feels like a personal issue, not to do with the plot); Lola and Ahmed’s relationship, not exactly clear, I don’t know why he cuts her; How do the Angel Tears make time travel actually possible? We are not merely seeing the future, but able to change it, so it’s not just hallucinations. At one point, it seems as if Nadja can perceive the future too, but then this goes away.
I did like the way it ended, ready to start all over again. A good first draft. Looking forward to the rewrite. read -
by Captiva on 12/23/2011If one were to judge sexual mores from current cinema, rality and cable tv, not to mention magazines like Maxim and Cosmo, one might feel we are living in a cultural wasteland where real people are expected to behave like porn stars. This is the world of Dealbreaker, a surprisingly sweet romantic comedy that lampoons the concept of the super hip, crazy-sexy and slothful (a... If one were to judge sexual mores from current cinema, rality and cable tv, not to mention magazines like Maxim and Cosmo, one might feel we are living in a cultural wasteland where real people are expected to behave like porn stars. This is the world of Dealbreaker, a surprisingly sweet romantic comedy that lampoons the concept of the super hip, crazy-sexy and slothful (a video-gamer’s catheter? – wow) lifestyle.
Freya and Miles just don’t fit in. Miles is a dork video game champion who is worshipped by other dorks and doesn’t even know that first base is now penetration - he thought it was still a kiss, silly boy. Freya is a self described “crazy cat girl.” When they meet and like each other their romance is immediately co-opted by their two friends Arun and Ellie (Ellie is actually Freya’s sister, but plays the best-friend role in her life) who advise them to lie about virtually everything about themselves and give them loads of dating and sex advice strait from the pages of Cosmo and Maxim to very funny and cringeworthy results.
The territory here is familiar and well-tread, but Dealbreaker does new things with it and really serves as an indictment on just how far round the bend contemporary society has traveled in the constant search for 'crazy-sexy-cool.'
The only note I would suggest is that while the sparse descriptions are funny, effective and in keeping with the style of the potential film, I’d love to see a little more of what a “foam party” actually looks like.
Thanks for a fun read. read -
A review of The False Flagby Captiva on 12/14/2011Review of The False Flag This script is immediately engaging and progresses with succinct and well-written action from beginning to end. No time is wasted getting into the story of Sean Murray, who strives to be a black opps CIA agent, who after an initial series of tests is put immediately on a very distasteful assignment, and the story just go go goes from there. We get... Review of The False Flag
This script is immediately engaging and progresses with succinct and well-written action from beginning to end. No time is wasted getting into the story of Sean Murray, who strives to be a black opps CIA agent, who after an initial series of tests is put immediately on a very distasteful assignment, and the story just go go goes from there. We get little, but enough, back story, the passionate relationship with his wife, the love of his daughter, to let us know what and who Sean is fighting for and whatever else we need to know is taken care of during brief flashbacks during the action sequences, which are almost constant.
I usually find myself bored reading action sequences, but this time I was not. The script is written with humor and wit and moves very quickly. There are some well deserved periods of rest, for both Sean and his audience about ¾ through (the all is apparently lost portion of the script) and then its full tilt boogie on through the very chilling, very cynical, but not inconceivable ending.
I enjoyed this script very much and would love to see it on screen.
A few possible plausibility issues are noted below, but if others don’t see them they may not be a problem at all. Also a few typos noted in an overall very clean and ready-to-go script. Also, a few other comments about cool stuff I liked.
Bravo.
Pg. 2 If Jugs is watching via the camera, would he not see Sean Murray behind Vasques?
Pg. 38 typo–s/b his face turns to fury?
Don’t quite believe Duke’s reason for not dropping Sean via the thing in his neck. Seems less obvious than shooting the place up and since then the bombs would go off –it will all be covered up in ash and debris and confusion.
Pg. 48 capitalize click.
Pg. 67 – the Smoking Man a little too XFiles – especially with him smoking in inappropriate places like XFiles smoking man did. Unless, of course, he was played by the same actor, in which case it would be kind of cool and also funny – not sure that’s what you’re after though>
68 – Jones & Smith caps
72 – cant they just kill kitty with the computer?
73. with so much tenderness
pg. 78 on his side
pg. 80 scary thought – cell phones
83 – I don’t want to do this with you. – funny! Kitty in the mattress – great!
Pg? The cop believes him a little easily –
109 – did that work – funny
yay – citizen journalist saves the day!
Pg 114. Shit s/b bleep
Wow-
Great ironic title too.
Love the part when he is banging his head against the headrest to drive the knife in further. Great turn away from the screen moment.
Once again, bravo! And good luck. read -
A review of Imperial Renegade: The Siege of Bostonby Captiva on 09/04/2011At the start of Imperial Renegade Captain Richard Owen is awarded a medal and a charge. He is to deliver the King's most trusted customs officer, Mr. Lloyd to the Massachusetts colony and later return him to England (once his business there, whatever this may be, is done). This is supposed to be easy duty as reward for his recent service to the crown, but early into the trip... At the start of Imperial Renegade Captain Richard Owen is awarded a medal and a charge. He is to deliver the King's most trusted customs officer, Mr. Lloyd to the Massachusetts colony and later return him to England (once his business there, whatever this may be, is done). This is supposed to be easy duty as reward for his recent service to the crown, but early into the trip all goes wrong when a nervous Mr. Lloyd murders two of the crew members in what he believes is self defense. They have been extremely hostile towards him for some unknown reason and he overheard talk of murder linked to his name. Now Captain Owen has to decide if he should hang the murderous Mr. Lloyd or deliver him as instructed. He chooses to hang him (apparently by the rules) and this is where the story goes wrong for me. This decision is made far too easily and it seems like a really dumb decision which indeed it turns out to be. Why does he not simply jail the man and deliver him in leg irons if necessary, but deliver him as he has been instructed by the King? I strongly feel that if he is to take this decision it has to be absolutely necessary, no way around it - the ship on the verge of mutiny or something. Otherwise when he is sentenced to hang by a Colonel Paxton upon arriving in Boston for not seeing to his duty and killing the man he was to deliver, I have no sympathy for him. He should absolutely expect this.
It took me a long while to get over this and try to enjoy the next part of the story (the mayhem that is Boston is nicely drawn) but I never fully recovered from it and never became fully engaged with the character of Owen. I guessed he would wind up taking part in the American rebellion that is playing out in Boston at the moment of his arrival and this is a nifty concept, but he does not take part until page 92 when the movie is almost over. Most of the space in between is taken up with chase scenes.
The story could be further strengthened if Owen were to become wooed toward the Colonists concerns rather than have no choice but to fight on their side due to his own concerns. I did not see the character grow and change in any way. Shaw was a more compelling character to me, but I did not understand his commitment to Owen. Perhaps if it were his advice Owen were following when he made his fatal mistake, but the opposite was true.
Love the Black ship's captain/pirate ship at the ending, (a former slave ship, I'm guessing?) but his intention in returning to England is not clear.
Also if the concept of the pressed crew were made clear at the beginning (perhaps through a conversation) it would be something to play with toward a reason of why the crew is harassing Lloyd and so hard to control. As it stands Goodlander goes from carrying Lloyd's bags graciously in one scene to wanting to throw him overboard the next. I guessed he might have been pressed into service, but this was not made clear until near the end.
I think this has real potential with some work on story and character to be done.
read -
A review of Wrapped In Shadowsby Captiva on 07/31/2011Wrapped In Shadows follows a hypnotic pace that tracks the descent of a young American man, Nathan from the mundane (a plane and an airport) into the ever-increasing strange and menacing world of an “English School” in Oman. Inexperienced and polite, Nathan is flanked by Rob, his American counterpart whose cynicism and abrasiveness offsets Nathan’s more gentle humanistic... Wrapped In Shadows follows a hypnotic pace that tracks the descent of a young American man, Nathan from the mundane (a plane and an airport) into the ever-increasing strange and menacing world of an “English School” in Oman.
Inexperienced and polite, Nathan is flanked by Rob, his American counterpart whose cynicism and abrasiveness offsets Nathan’s more gentle humanistic nature. Brought to a bombed out school and given apartments in an equally bombed out, but treasure filled, apartment complex, run by a gaunt and sickly colleague, Lewis, who has been there six months and no longer teaches, but just handles paperwork. The young Americans are plied with alcohol and food and paid large sums of money to teach only two classes a day to a mass of mostly-middle aged villagers who mindlessly repeat sentences from a textbook. Nathan is at first frustrated by the students’ lack of engagement and quickly gives up on trying to teach them anything. His interest is piqued by a beautiful shrouded woman named Aliya, whose henna died hands sporting seductive floral designs mesmerize and entice Nathan as she hands in an assignment she has requested from him and then purposely done incorrectly, a cryptic poem. This meeting is a truly lovely moment and we might briefly entertain the notion that Nathan, via a relationship with this mysterious woman, will get over his cheating ex-girlfriend who he has come here to escape. This hope is soon (perhaps too soon) shattered by his friend Rob’s strangely changed behavior and Lewis’s disappearance.
Wrapped in Shadows is a unique and interesting premise that builds to a frightening conclusion. It could be further fleshed out with regard to the relationship between Rob and Nathan and Nathan and Aliya, I feel, because we lose those relationships before we have enough of a chance to invest in them. It’s a nice touch that Rob becomes jealous of Nathan’s possible relationship with Aliya (he is having one too) but this could be played out over a longer period of time and with more nuance. Right now it feels a bit like it all comes to too quickly to its chilling conclusion and at only 90 pages there is room to grow. read -
A review of Bre’gan’s Fistby Captiva on 07/24/2011This is a very sweet love story and wonderfully imaginative. I’m very pleased to see a screenplay where the two main characters are gay as a matter of fact, rather than as a subject matter. Hopefully, this will become more common in the future. I’m new to the medium of screenwriting, so I will leave the formatting issues to those who are more expert and focus my critique... This is a very sweet love story and wonderfully imaginative. I’m very pleased to see a screenplay where the two main characters are gay as a matter of fact, rather than as a subject matter. Hopefully, this will become more common in the future.
I’m new to the medium of screenwriting, so I will leave the formatting issues to those who are more expert and focus my critique on story, as dramaturgy is more my forte. The one thing I will say, after reading five screenplays here is that I do notice the difference a lot of white space can make – both in reading comprehension and flow. Your story would read much quicker and be better understood, I feel, with a lot more white space and far less large blocks of text. I found myself having to read and reread action sequences quite often to understand what was happening. As I understand it, each new thing we see should be a new line and should be very economical, yet evocative. So that something like “A bright flash appears. Milo, his body smoking from the teleportation, stands in the middle of the park.” Might read something like – A Flash. (new Line) Milo, his body smoking, stands in the middle of the park.”
So, the story, as I understand it, is that of Milo, a mild mannered young man, who works as a cook, still recovering from the death of his boyfriend spends all his free time studying for his GED --perhaps his life was derailed by the death of his boyfriend and so he never finished high school? It’s not quite clear – meets a being from another dimension and falls in love and subsequently saves the world. I do believe Milo is your main character, even though we meet Bastian first. Bastian seems very similar in personality to Milo. Both are gentle, sweet and sensitive, but Bastian is from another dimension and has incredible powers. Bastian almost seems like an alter ego of Milo, so when Milo rises up to go against Trent and the Traugs at the end, this makes sense.
Trent is a very humorous villain and I enjoyed his robotic responses to Bastian’s questioning of his philosophy. It was like listening to the head of some corporation explain his sadistic and bizarre actions after spilling tons of toxic waste or destroying the economy through derivatives for his own profit and its fun to see his myopic vision evaporate due to his own over confidence and pride.
Milo finds courage and self-confidence both through his relationship with Bastian and through his rising to the occasion of fighting off Traugs and Trent in defense of his love and ultimately through saving the world. This, I believe is the crux of your story. You’ve got to get rid of the excess and there is a lot of it. The restaurant scenes especially do, but generally most of your scenes go on for too long and have extraneous information in them. If I may suggest, go through each scene and figure out what we need to know to move the story forward and cut the rest. Be ruthless with yourself. Now that you have written all of the words in order to discover your story, you can see your way clear to lose what’s not necessary.
At the same time there was some information that seemed lacking, such as what does a Mage look like – I figured out, human, but when you have a world populated with monsters, don’t assume we know when someone is or looks human. What sort of creature is Bron? You just say, “A sadistic foe.” What does Byron look like when we meet him? My first thought was Lord Byron the poet. By the way, I liked the mirror thing a lot and that they were hiding magic on a dimension that does not use it. (does this ever come into play though as a plot point? if it does, it's not sticking in my mind I believe because this info was given to us through exposition (a character telling us) rather than organically through the plot (as part of the inherent action).
There are other plot issues, and you might consider rearranging some scenes to get the story moving faster, but rather than get into those issues now, I think going back and stripping down the screenplay to only what’s absolutely necessary is the key. Don’t lose the loveliness of their relationship – the fireflies bit was beautiful – but I don’t need to know what the waiter thinks. Cut the small talk; keep the golden moments.
Good luck! read -
A review of Dig (Ver. 2)by Captiva on 07/18/2011Bravo- nicely done! A great opening moment introducing us to Celeste, who is a character that is immediately endearing, lugging around her shovel and her trunk. When she voluntarily steps into the black ooze, I was hooked. As the story progresses we find she’s not only gutsy, but funny, charming, vulnerable and mysterious. A couple of her lines I really enjoyed are: “No,... Bravo- nicely done!
A great opening moment introducing us to Celeste, who is a character that is immediately endearing, lugging around her shovel and her trunk. When she voluntarily steps into the black ooze, I was hooked. As the story progresses we find she’s not only gutsy, but funny, charming, vulnerable and mysterious. A couple of her lines I really enjoyed are:
“No, I am dead people.”
“The truth is so much worse. “
“Your mom is one of the worst. She got me from three states away. Feels like being hung over on red wine.”
“The corpse of the American dream.”
I totally buy that Hunter falls for her (trusts her because she saves his life) and their whole relationship really sings. Hunter is also a great character. At first I didn’t like him, he seemed smug but he grew on me quickly, especially through his relationship with Celeste.
Fabulous gore! Truly shocking, but not overused. The story is original and continually surprising and leads the reader easily throughout . Nowhere I couldn’t follow. I was constantly surprised and overjoyed at each new and terrible twist. Celeste pushing Hunter into the pit was a very nice one. And great touch with the ectoplasm leaking out during sex. I like that the first time he doesn’t see it and the second time it infects him (or does it?) The fetal eye is particularly fun and horrible, as is the scene where Hunter’s mother is revealed to him in the pit. And the ending – whoa! Nicely Oedipal and freaky. Can’t say it enough. Well done.
If there was anything amiss it may be that Rebecca was a bit too over the top horrible in life, but maybe not since she’s so wretched in death. I didn’t realize Charles was at the construction site before he popped up with the heart attack, but maybe I missed where he said he’d be there – even if not, it’s an easy fix. I did find myself thinking a couple of times why exactly is she digging the holes? I guess to exhume the body? And if so, how would that help? And wondered why Hunter didn’t press Celeste on exactly what she thought she was doing and why it was the right course of action, but then she charmed me into going along with her, much like she did him, so maybe it’s not a problem after all. I’m new to this website and don’t know much about its history, so I hope it really does help get movies made because I’d like to see this one. read -
A review of Harmony (rev)by Captiva on 07/11/2011Review of Harmony – short story This is a very powerful story and a wonderful fantasy, to be given the chance to debate these issues of life and death and belief, courage and fear. I like very much that lack of fear renders terror useless in this story. I would however like to see the battle of ideals fought on a more equal footing. Before coming to the conclusion that “the... Review of Harmony – short story
This is a very powerful story and a wonderful fantasy, to be given the chance to debate these issues of life and death and belief, courage and fear. I like very much that lack of fear renders terror useless in this story. I would however like to see the battle of ideals fought on a more equal footing. Before coming to the conclusion that “the American is right” Id like to see Al-Benzy’s side expressed as strongly as Courrier’s. Perhaps you can flesh out some arguments for Al-Benzy we can even get behind. After all Courrier is not a complete innocent, is he? – He is there of his own free will, making money working for a corporation that is there to profit from war? War profiteering used to be viewed as a terrible thing in this country. In any case, It makes for stronger drama if both sides get equal play. Yes, ultimately Al-Benzy’s the terrorist and therefore wrong, but it’d be great to see you really try to get inside his head and see it from his point of view. Right now, you’ve just got him speaking platitudes. Feels like he speaking through the lens of an American point of view. I do like his logic once he decides he cannot kill Courrier and your showing the difference between a true man of beliefs and a man of hatred and revenge. (he and Fakhim)
Is there perhaps a moment when Al-Benzy sees this is all being broadcast and takes the decision to leave it on (to do otherwise would appear cowardly at this point – too much damage already done – he has to win the argument now or lose all)? – just a thought.
All in all it’s a very strong story. I really like the image of the camera as the eyeball of God – and the ending paragraph is quite beautiful: “Then the lonely sound of a clarinet whispering him to sleep brought him home, the harmony between sound and silence, between hate and love, Earth and Heaven. It was the most beautiful sound he’d ever heard.”
Also wanted to note that the writing is very visual and lends itself toward being used as a treatment for a film.
Some typos and grammar things I noted while reading:
Typo pg. 2 “can’t quiet say” should be- quite
Pg. 3 – passed s/b past
“Gone as yesterday, impossible to get back.” – nice turn of phrase .
“mass comm.” – ditto
“That was someone’s son. Someone’s brother. Someone’s husband and father. But now, it was just a gruesome object” – powerful.
Pg. 13) vane s/b vain
Pg. 20 traditional wears? Think you may mean wares, but that is also not correct since it men articles for sale, ‘garb’ might be the word you are looking for.
Pg. 23) “with Al-Benzy collar dragging him like a dog” –Al-Benzy dragging him by the collar?
Pg. 23)” dawning” s/b donning “sandy-colored robbing” – robes?
Pg. 23) “up at the gaping door below” – confusing - are we looking up or down?
Pg. 23) like munitions fillets.- not sure this simile quite works –
Pg. 24) “blinked out,” – blanked out?
Pg. 30) “ere” s/b air
In-ter-resting… In-ter-resting… - funny!
Pg. 36) “the other in the name of the Lord.” – would Al-Benzy think those words,“the lord”? After all, his lord is Allah. read
Comments About Captiva 19
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Aitch on 10/19/2012
Great. I'll look forward to your pages. Do you have my email? Oh, and while I'd love a review from you on my script. . . well, I'd like to take a rain check. The one I've got up right now on TS is old and now disappointing. I put it up on a whim. I've got ideas I'm excited about that I'd prefer reviewed. (And by the way, you didn't have to do that. :) )
I will give Doppelgangers another read and get back to you. (I wonder why TS got rid of the email buttons.) -
Aitch on 10/17/2012
Funny how things are connected. Hard to mess with one part without affecting the rest. HOWEVER... it does seem that changing the first act is much preferred to changing any other part. All set-up... I'd be happy to give feedback if you want. -
Aitch on 10/17/2012
Hey you two, just curious as to whether anything ever happened with your wonderful Doppelgangers script. It's stayed with me. Any contests entered? Attempts at approaching players like Reiner... Etc. . .?? -
ragasssd on 01/13/2012
Thanks soooo much for this genuine, well written review of "The Owl." You're right I've spent a LOT of time on this and racked my brain so hard, at times I wondered if anyone would get it, or even be interested in it. But thanks to you, I know all that hard work was worth it. I can't tell you how much that means to me, and how happy I am right now! Five stars!! I'm humbled, and honored. Regarding your question about Victor. The idea is that Victor alone knew about the "owl", and other old secret documents. So he basically setup Catherine to face the "owl", and that just to satisfy his own curiosity! THANKS again!!! Btw, I'm a "he". -
Michael Keller on 12/28/2011
Thanks for the insights! -
jakenp on 12/24/2011
Thanks for the review and notes on "The Dealbreaker." Hope to read Doppelgangers sometime soon--
--J -
kevinwriter65 on 12/21/2011
Hi, got your note re. "Inquest". Yes, that wasn't McGrath at the opening, but my default assumption about confusion in scripts is that the writer is as (or more) likely at fault than the reader:) I'll take a look and see if there's a way I can make the characters more clear at the outset. Your comments are great and will be very helpful in the rewrite. (I read somewhere that one sign of valuable editing is if it raises nagging questions that you as a writer already had in the back of your mind but were trying to ignore; your concern about the relevance of the car accident fits right into that category. I'll re-look at that part as well). Thanks again, KM -
Captiva on 12/14/2011
David Hayes wrote:Hey there,
Let me just say that after all the time and work that went into FF, your review today was an enormous relief and your suggestions are good. They will be carefully considered.
Thank you so much.
-D
The work shows. Thanks for providing a script that was a real pleasure to read. _Captiva -
David Hayes on 12/14/2011
Hey there,
Let me just say that after all the time and work that went into FF, your review today was an enormous relief and your suggestions are good. They will be carefully considered.
Thank you so much.
-D -
justahappykid on 08/24/2011
Great, I'm glad to hear you may've figured "it" out. Sure, I'll read your re-write. Let me know when you finish and maybe you can read my screenplay as well. Thanks!
Johnny
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Comments About Captiva 19
-
Quote
Great. I'll look forward to your pages. Do you have my email? Oh, and while I'd love a review from you on my script. . . well, I'd like to take a rain check. The one I've got up right now on TS is old and now disappointing. I put it up on a whim. I've got ideas I'm excited about that I'd prefer reviewed. (And by the way, you didn't have to do that. :) )
-
Quote
Funny how things are connected. Hard to mess with one part without affecting the rest. HOWEVER... it does seem that changing the first act is much preferred to changing any other part. All set-up... I'd be happy to give feedback if you want.
-
Quote
Hey you two, just curious as to whether anything ever happened with your wonderful Doppelgangers script. It's stayed with me. Any contests entered? Attempts at approaching players like Reiner... Etc. . .??
+ more commentsAitch on 10/19/2012
I will give Doppelgangers another read and get back to you. (I wonder why TS got rid of the email buttons.)
Aitch on 10/17/2012
Aitch on 10/17/2012