Cat Bistransin

A review of The Shed

by Cat Bistransin on 12/01/2009

I enjoyed reading your SP with the usual reservations. One is the first act. It’s about 15 pages too long. You started too early. The scenes with Liza and Sarah don’t reveal much except a bitchy and contentious relationship. Where is the love between these two? Liza should encourage her to dance or whatever. The first scene between them is full of exposition. The scenes at... I enjoyed reading your SP with the usual reservations. One is the first act. It’s about 15 pages too long. You started too early. The scenes with Liza and Sarah don’t reveal much except a bitchy and contentious relationship. Where is the love between these two? Liza should encourage her to dance or whatever. The first scene between them is full of exposition.

The scenes at the Hollywood Bowl aren’t necessary. I’d open with Sarah following John, not just happen to spot his car deus ex machine. Then segue into scenes with Liza, to Sarah opening the secret room, not necessarily in that that order.

While VO is great for this genre, your opening VO doesn’t really need to be there in its present form. The shed on Liza’s property is a little too convenient; I didn’t buy it, and her problem with her ex isn’t necessary to tell your story. Keep it all Sarah's story.

The dramatic action doesn’t begin till John’s disappearance. Usually when people disappear, they just disappear. They don’t explain themselves. He should just disappear, and his disappearance should be the inciting incident on or around page 10.

Sarah is a little too busy with dancing and law school and working at Rogue’s Gallery. I know dancers in NYC. They don’t go to law school. They want to dance. I’d make my heroine more decisive in her goals and interests. If she’s expert at handling firearms, we should see this sooner, maybe John showing her at a firing range. Don’t pull out details at the last minute unless they’ve been set up.

The scene with the D.A. adds nothing to your story. I wasn’t really sure why she needed to be there with the memory stick, or why he was needed in the story at all.

Drop the prose writing, or save it for a novel. The asides in italics are amateurish and jar the reader out of the story. The (correction: delivery) is just silly. We can’t see what the characters are thinking, like “Then it hits her. The D.A. interview.” We also don’t need authorial asides like “she’s probably been doing this for hours” and “huh” and “wow.” Especially egregious was “the multi-limbed beast of passion.” We don’t know if it’s Saturday or not. Making asides is alright once or twice, but you’ve done this throughout; it weakens your story.

Using “continued” at the bottom and top of pages is for TV scripts. They aren’t used in screenplays. Scene cuts and camera angles are also questionable. This is a selling screenplay, not a shooting one.

Some minor notes: Watch using impersonal pronouns at the beginning of action paragraphs. Sarah wouldn’t be taking off her jeans while patrons were leaving the dance studio, and she would maybe be wearing a skirt anyway. It’s not necessary to end a scene by bringing in the housekeeper with a meal. And dance instructors aren’t called coach.

I hope you tighten it up to be the stylish thriller that I think is lurking in there. Best of luck with your rewrites.

Cat
NYC read

Follow the lead

A review of Homicide Special

by Cat Bistransin on 08/15/2009

While I appreciate your attempt to imitate Lethal Weapon, Glover and Gibson’s off-duty life was interwoven into the plot. Your off-duty scenes are impeding it. Joe’s kids in particular add nothing to the story. Focus on your leads. Get rid of the excess of characters. Pick a main villain and give him all the actions from the minor villains. Introducing named characters on... read

Clark Gable's Pregnant Fiancée

A review of America's Princess

by Cat Bistransin on 07/28/2009

Imagine that Clark Gable had a pregnant finance in “It Happened One Night.” Imagine that he needs money to marry her. So, at the end, instead of Gable and Colbert going off together, she helps him win back his fiancee. That’s basically what you’ve done with your SP. Your lead is Paul. Alexa is second lead. His best friend is Joel. The antagonists are Mr. Sky and Beth. Mrs... read

Pirandello Outside Las Vegas

A review of Don't Like Being 2nd

by Cat Bistransin on 07/09/2009

Your bizarre, creative nod to Pirandello – or Sartre, if you prefer – is a strong attack on hypocrisy, whether it be religious or Maggie’s career-driven betrayal of her standards. This is a timely topic, and always will be, as people are forever willing to sacrifice everything in pursuit of some goal, no matter how obscure. I read your production notes, and I’d be the last... Your bizarre, creative nod to Pirandello – or Sartre, if you prefer – is a strong attack on hypocrisy, whether it be religious or Maggie’s career-driven betrayal of her standards. This is a timely topic, and always will be, as people are forever willing to sacrifice everything in pursuit of some goal, no matter how obscure.

I read your production notes, and I’d be the last person to tell you that it’s not producible. It is. But make it easy on yourself and restructure the thing to 60 pages.

Go through your script with an accountant’s attitude and see if you can tell your story with a few less characters. In particular, Cindy and Mike don’t really add anything to the story. We see them, they never come back, and even as characters who reflect the theme of hypocrisy, they are not necessary.

There’s also a lot of superfluous dialogue, in particular in the first ten pages. A lot of it is repetitive or conversational. Before you start production, I’d have a table reading and see what you can cut.

I’d like to see the Offshorian plotting with his Christian soldiers (without plot spoiling) before they go after Harry. This will let us be participants in the story without resorting to deus ex machina. Or, get Harry inside that cave earlier, without any preliminary scenes, and let us follow him through the desert.

I’m not sure the Offshorian speaking to the camera is the best way to tell us who he is – perhaps he could be talking to the unconscious Harry (page 22). Or perhaps find a different setting. The cramped confines of the convertible might take away from the drama of these over-the-top confessions.

The explosion on page 25 is not necessary (and how will you produce it?). Being in the cave is fun enough. Spend a bit more time in here, since it’s in your logline. Give him more implements that would have been current in Biblical times.

You have a flashback to the Bible Training Command Center. I’d put this earlier; let us see him getting the Christian propaganda.

Although the desert is an integral part of your story, it’s a very good way to find economical locations; you can probably film away without permits. As for the river, I’m not sure where you’re going to find a desert with one nearby. Diving off a cliff is a dangerous stunt.

Maggie’s character arc: I’d make her very and obviously attracted to Harry. Then she’ll have conflict between her feelings for him and betraying ethics for the sake of her “career.” Harry could be a little less retarded for the sake of credibility, or perhaps I'm mean-spirited and don't want to watch mentally challenged people for very long. Maybe he’s a hypocrite, too, and just went the preacher route for funding or something.

The ending: I’d have Harry kick the crap out of the Biker. Because we need some resolution, and also because the Biker says the magic words about giving Harry seconds.

Cat
NYC read

A Good Example of Why the Woods Scare Me

A review of Of Wolf and Man

by Cat Bistransin on 07/01/2009

This is a simple but effective story, full of wonderful imagery. In particular liked the symbolism when Danny disappeared in the hall (page 10) and Tim’s car being dwarfed in the parking lot (opening). You might flesh out your characters, make them consistent and keep them from straying into each other’s emotional arc. Bud’s character vacillates between macho and not macho... read

An Important Message For All Genders

A review of Mr Sensitive

by Cat Bistransin on 06/25/2009

Your SP is excellent. It’s hysterically funny, and you have something genuinely important to say. It’s everything that films -- and comedies -- should do. All I have is petty carping, but small things lose points in contests or maybe piss off the gatekeepers. Think about the chase scene. You have a block comedy here that can be produced on a smaller budget. However, chase... read

Where's the Beef?

A review of Old Man Strength

by Cat Bistransin on 06/24/2009

Your logline sounds like the story would be about an older man competing with younger men -- ahd nopefully beating them at their own game. But there's little real competition among Chett and his new roommates. The main problem, however, is that your SP is very weak on plot. There is page after page of dialogue, but nothing happens. Chett is a bit on the wimpy side. His reaction... Your logline sounds like the story would be about an older man competing with younger men -- ahd nopefully beating them at their own game. But there's little real competition among Chett and his new roommates.

The main problem, however, is that your SP is very weak on plot. There is page after page of dialogue, but nothing happens.

Chett is a bit on the wimpy side. His reaction to his wife humping another man in their home is too tame for anyone to want to watch him for ninety minutes. What would you do if you caught your spouse like that? I know what I’d do.

Chett goes to live with his stepson’s friends, who he doesn’t know. That's okay, but I think it’s a mistake to move Chett away from Nina so quickly. He has a relationship with her. Nina should maybe come back in before page 63. And she gives up too easily. For there to be tension, Chett shouldn’t tell her he’s in a relationship. I’d have her keep at it.

Chett is with his new roommates at the same gym, the same job interview, working at the same company, etc. I don’t buy these men together all the time. The flat tire was a contrived way to introduce a character who lives across the hall.

After a while, the characters all sound alike. You could eliminate Benny or Dale and focus on Chett and PJ’s relationship. The other characters are thinly drawn and don’t have much personality. PJ is set up as gay, then he isn’t gay anymore. Either he is or he isn’t.

The motel scene after the opening breaks the dramatic action. I’d make one continuous scene. There’s too many scenes at the apartment. Take them to the Lakers game in person. Get them to Karaoke.

Chett sets himself up as a tough New Yorker, which makes PJ fear him; then blows it by saying he’s lived in Florida since he was fourteen. The scenes on pages 41-44 don’t have Chett in them and have nothing to do with him. Keep the focus on your lead, in particular at your midpoint. PJ’s shaving scene doesn’t have Chett in it, either, and there’s several other scenes as well.

PJ’s fear of the mouse can be a larger moment, this big tough guy falling apart over an itsy mouse. Although the bodybuilding competition is really about PJ, not Chett, I’d let it play for a while. What happens at the competitions? Don’t they parade for the judges. Does PJ win?

New characters, Elena’s roommates, enter on page 78. If they weren’t important to the story before, they aren’t at this point either. Also, Elena’s parents maybe could come in earlier, and put Chett in there. As it is, nothing really happens in their scene.

Lose the triple space above sluglines. Put characters appearing in a scene in the action lines under the slug, like page 48 bottom and elsewhere. On page 65 there’s a large space between words. On page 75, put Elena in the action line after the slug instead of ‘she.’

On page 84, “There still there” should be “They’re...” The house on page 85 should be identified as his; is this the same house as from the beginning?

Your main goal in revision should be to beef up the plot. Throw in complications. Let the scenes play out. It’s a good idea, and worth working on. read

Try a Sunflower Instead Of a Noose

A review of Pizza Sluts (version 2)

by Cat Bistransin on 06/21/2009

This is a great premise with a hook. Right now your story is obscured with filthy language, a small army of minor characters who clutter the scenarios and other issues. You need to develop some respect for your characters. Describing everyone as alcohol abused, assholes or other negatives is not a good set up. If you don’t respect your characters, why should we? I wouldn’t... read

Dress Your Candle With Care

A review of Once In A Blue Moon

by Cat Bistransin on 06/17/2009

Debbie, Take a ritual bath. Draw your magic circle and enter it from the north with your manuscript. Pray to the Goddess to give you focus, focus, focus. You do have a nice, light comedy with super-potential. The idea is great, and this will be a fun journey with a low budget that you will be able to sell. But right now the plot is all over the place. Scenes are too long,... read

Just a Little Grooming

A review of Unconditional

by Cat Bistransin on 06/14/2009

Great concept with wonderful characters. The subtext with Maggie in her first few scenes is great. Your SP was an easy read, perhaps too easy. You need to raise the stakes in a lot of scenes and get more plot complications in there. Start with the first ten pages. The same basic scene is repeated for eight pages. My impression, and it might just be me, was that he’s a rock... read

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Submissions by Cat Bistransin

Reviews by Cat Bistransin 67

Comments About Cat Bistransin 35

Gary Wright on 11/05/2009

agilitygsd on 09/16/2009

mlambush on 08/19/2009

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