Submissions by chalkoutlinefilms
No submissions (yet)
Reviews by chalkoutlinefilms
5
-
I think you did a great job in many ways on this script and, as my title suggests, the story is gripping enough that it kept me turning pages from the opening to the very end without stopping for a break. I want to applaud you for taking on a very difficult and important subject and handling it thoughtfully and seriously. I also think your theme or character arc is excellent...
I think you did a great job in many ways on this script and, as my title suggests, the story is gripping enough that it kept me turning pages from the opening to the very end without stopping for a break. I want to applaud you for taking on a very difficult and important subject and handling it thoughtfully and seriously. I also think your theme or character arc is excellent - very much a Lord Jim kind of story, where a man with a weakness that haunts him finds courage and redemption in the end. The story also has some very interesting structural
elements that I started to question at first but began to really like. I'm talking mostly about starting out with Max at the camp, then having an extended sequence with Frederick and Lise in the second act, then going back to the camp. I started to wonder if the story would be better if it focused more on the married couple and their bitter conflict over keeping a Jewish camp escapee, but after Lise died I saw where you were going and thought it worked. And I also thought your story was full of nice, unexpected plot twists - like Max surviving liquidation and the priest turning out to be a villain.
I do have some criticism, though I think all of my concerns are probably not too difficult to deal with. I think that Fredericks response to his wife's death should be explored and utilized more. This would be devastating to him and yet he seems to get over it and move on very quickly after the incident. Also, I think that you need to explore the relationship between Frederick and Max more. They each are supposed to have a major effect on eachother's characters over the course of the time Max is hiding in the basement, yet there are really very few scenes of them together. What does each of them learn from the other and how do they learn it? I would try to illicit these things a little more. There are also some more minor plot implausibilities that I thought could very easily be cleaned up. For instance, it seems too easy for Frederick to see exactly what is going on in the camp from his vantage point in the woods. You might make it a little bit more difficult for him. And the priest's sermons felt like they were too on the nose thematically each time we hear them. Check for these minor implausibles throughout because they started to take me out of the drama of the story.
My biggest concern though is something more general. I found some of the basic tenets of the script concerning the holocaust a little naive. I think this can be worked out within your structure if you agree with my feelings though. Here's the thing - I don't really believe that most people had absolutely no idea of what was going on with the Jews and the camps. Both the citizens of places like Poland and the governments of countries like the U.S. I think had a pretty damn good idea. People who lived near the camps, you have to realize, were working their, providing supplies, making money off the soldiers who stayed there. Major governments were getting all kinds of reports but refused to do anything about it. A more interesting exploration for me about this subject would be to see someone like Frederick come to grips with his willful denial of the events that were happening around him. I'd like to see how he breaks through this denial, while his wife doesn't, and the effect it has on him.
Anyway, that's the major stuff. Again, I think you've written a very engrossing screenplay. You've created interesting characters and tackled difficult moral issues. Good job - and good luck with it...
Mike Gaylin
read
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I have to say that I had a pleasant time reading this script all the way through, for several reasons. Primarily, you created in Luke a likeable, affable and insoucient everyman with who we are able to observe in a sardonic way the very bizarre characters that inhabit this story. Also, the dialogue is frequently very funny. I laughed out loud many times. Luke reminds me of...
I have to say that I had a pleasant time reading this script all the way through, for several reasons. Primarily, you created in Luke a likeable, affable and insoucient everyman with who we are able to observe in a sardonic way the very bizarre characters that inhabit this story. Also, the dialogue is frequently very funny. I laughed out loud many times. Luke reminds me of the Bill Murray character we used to see in Stripes and Ghostbusters. Unfortunately, though I enjoyed reading the script I had the strong feeling that it would be disappointing as a movie. The major problem is there is very little that actually happens in this story. Besides a brief football game and a punch in the nose, the story lacks dramatic action. Also, the dialouge, though frequently witty, is also aimless and excessive. Every character seems to be a long winded philosopher. Even the bully and the janitor. They all begin to sound the same. Finally, the characters and the situation are really so over the top and unbelievable that it's impossible to feel emotionally engaged in any way. I'm sorry, it appears that a lot of hard work went into the writing of this script. It's clear there are intelligent people behind it. But without an emotional attachment to anyone or anything, the story let me down.
read
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Great job. I read it in one sitting and have been thinking about it ever since. Great lead character. Secondary characters excellent as well. Haunting. Loved the reversal in some of the characters, especially the hispanic kid. Great details. Sense of place. Atmosphere. I only wish you had given the romance a second chance - even if it doesn't work out in the end. Also, the...
Great job. I read it in one sitting and have been thinking about it ever since. Great lead character. Secondary characters excellent as well. Haunting. Loved the reversal in some of the characters, especially the hispanic kid. Great details. Sense of place. Atmosphere. I only wish you had given the romance a second chance - even if it doesn't work out in the end. Also, the ending was slightly anti-climactic for me. But that is all. I don't agree with some of the other reviewers who say they don't see this as a film. I do. Good luck with it.
read
Submissions by chalkoutlinefilms
No submissions (yet)
Reviews by chalkoutlinefilms
5
-
I think you did a great job in many ways on this script and, as my title suggests, the story is gripping enough that it kept me turning pages from the opening to the very end without stopping for a break. I want to applaud you for taking on a very difficult and important subject and handling it thoughtfully and seriously. I also think your theme or character arc is excellent...
I think you did a great job in many ways on this script and, as my title suggests, the story is gripping enough that it kept me turning pages from the opening to the very end without stopping for a break. I want to applaud you for taking on a very difficult and important subject and handling it thoughtfully and seriously. I also think your theme or character arc is excellent - very much a Lord Jim kind of story, where a man with a weakness that haunts him finds courage and redemption in the end. The story also has some very interesting structural
elements that I started to question at first but began to really like. I'm talking mostly about starting out with Max at the camp, then having an extended sequence with Frederick and Lise in the second act, then going back to the camp. I started to wonder if the story would be better if it focused more on the married couple and their bitter conflict over keeping a Jewish camp escapee, but after Lise died I saw where you were going and thought it worked. And I also thought your story was full of nice, unexpected plot twists - like Max surviving liquidation and the priest turning out to be a villain.
I do have some criticism, though I think all of my concerns are probably not too difficult to deal with. I think that Fredericks response to his wife's death should be explored and utilized more. This would be devastating to him and yet he seems to get over it and move on very quickly after the incident. Also, I think that you need to explore the relationship between Frederick and Max more. They each are supposed to have a major effect on eachother's characters over the course of the time Max is hiding in the basement, yet there are really very few scenes of them together. What does each of them learn from the other and how do they learn it? I would try to illicit these things a little more. There are also some more minor plot implausibilities that I thought could very easily be cleaned up. For instance, it seems too easy for Frederick to see exactly what is going on in the camp from his vantage point in the woods. You might make it a little bit more difficult for him. And the priest's sermons felt like they were too on the nose thematically each time we hear them. Check for these minor implausibles throughout because they started to take me out of the drama of the story.
My biggest concern though is something more general. I found some of the basic tenets of the script concerning the holocaust a little naive. I think this can be worked out within your structure if you agree with my feelings though. Here's the thing - I don't really believe that most people had absolutely no idea of what was going on with the Jews and the camps. Both the citizens of places like Poland and the governments of countries like the U.S. I think had a pretty damn good idea. People who lived near the camps, you have to realize, were working their, providing supplies, making money off the soldiers who stayed there. Major governments were getting all kinds of reports but refused to do anything about it. A more interesting exploration for me about this subject would be to see someone like Frederick come to grips with his willful denial of the events that were happening around him. I'd like to see how he breaks through this denial, while his wife doesn't, and the effect it has on him.
Anyway, that's the major stuff. Again, I think you've written a very engrossing screenplay. You've created interesting characters and tackled difficult moral issues. Good job - and good luck with it...
Mike Gaylin
read
-
I have to say that I had a pleasant time reading this script all the way through, for several reasons. Primarily, you created in Luke a likeable, affable and insoucient everyman with who we are able to observe in a sardonic way the very bizarre characters that inhabit this story. Also, the dialogue is frequently very funny. I laughed out loud many times. Luke reminds me of...
I have to say that I had a pleasant time reading this script all the way through, for several reasons. Primarily, you created in Luke a likeable, affable and insoucient everyman with who we are able to observe in a sardonic way the very bizarre characters that inhabit this story. Also, the dialogue is frequently very funny. I laughed out loud many times. Luke reminds me of the Bill Murray character we used to see in Stripes and Ghostbusters. Unfortunately, though I enjoyed reading the script I had the strong feeling that it would be disappointing as a movie. The major problem is there is very little that actually happens in this story. Besides a brief football game and a punch in the nose, the story lacks dramatic action. Also, the dialouge, though frequently witty, is also aimless and excessive. Every character seems to be a long winded philosopher. Even the bully and the janitor. They all begin to sound the same. Finally, the characters and the situation are really so over the top and unbelievable that it's impossible to feel emotionally engaged in any way. I'm sorry, it appears that a lot of hard work went into the writing of this script. It's clear there are intelligent people behind it. But without an emotional attachment to anyone or anything, the story let me down.
read
-
Great job. I read it in one sitting and have been thinking about it ever since. Great lead character. Secondary characters excellent as well. Haunting. Loved the reversal in some of the characters, especially the hispanic kid. Great details. Sense of place. Atmosphere. I only wish you had given the romance a second chance - even if it doesn't work out in the end. Also, the...
Great job. I read it in one sitting and have been thinking about it ever since. Great lead character. Secondary characters excellent as well. Haunting. Loved the reversal in some of the characters, especially the hispanic kid. Great details. Sense of place. Atmosphere. I only wish you had given the romance a second chance - even if it doesn't work out in the end. Also, the ending was slightly anti-climactic for me. But that is all. I don't agree with some of the other reviewers who say they don't see this as a film. I do. Good luck with it.
read
Comments About chalkoutlinefilms 1
Ryan Smith on 02/01/2008