CharlieBrown

MOMMY'S ALRIGHT/DADDY'S ALRIGHT/THEY JUST SEEM A LITTLE WEIRD/SURRENDER, SURRENDER/BUT DON'TCHA GIVE YOURSELF AWAY...

A review of The Cycle

by CharlieBrown on 11/21/2005

A very visual piece that keeps you guessing with all of the ingredients of a classical who-done-it. It has its shortcomings, but nothing that can't be fixed with a rewrite. Below is page-by-page account of my thoughts and feelings as I went through your piece. PAGE 1) Starts off really nice and evokes a sense of fear for that boy. At this point, the writing and the rhythm... read

A hot cup of chocolate on a snowy day.

A review of The Halls Of Mandrake

by CharlieBrown on 11/19/2005

I really enjoyed this and thought all of the emotional truth was there. It made me laugh, it made me cry, and it made me think about just how important children are at such an impressionable age. Below is a page-by-page account of my feelings and thoughts as I went through your piece. Pg. 5) Will's dialogue, "I'm stronger than you think" makes me think he would be a... I really enjoyed this and thought all of the emotional truth was there. It made me laugh, it made me cry, and it made me think about just how important children are at such an impressionable age. Below is a page-by-page account of my feelings and thoughts as I went through your piece.
Pg. 5) Will's dialogue, "I'm stronger than you think" makes me think he would be a lot older than eleven. And Dan's dialogue, "We're both going to drown if you don't let me go!" I can't hear him saying this, not in the midst of what's going on. The last thing I think Dan would want his son to know was that one of them is about to die, let alone both. I just can't hear him saying that line. I would think more along the lines of, "I'm fine, son. You get back in the boat." Pg. 13) Bertha leans down and whispers something in Dougie's ear. Then her dialogue, "Clean this up, and go with Dougie." At first I thought she whispered that line to Dougie. You might want to make it clearer. Pg. 15) Would 12-year-old Gracie refer to 13-year-old Charlie as Miss? Maybe it's just my ignorance of how things might have been in the 50s.
Pg. 15) I couldn't really justify Will's behavior of reading his book, but as I read on, I got it and realized what you're going for here. Pg. 23) Series of Shots come off more as scenes, especially the opening one where Will walks through the hallway and enters the room. I'd rework these a bit better so that they read with rhythm. One of the biggest misconceptions about Series of Shots and montages is that they should be used to past time. I think it's more important to have a running theme or a point to them. What would you say is your point... 1) Will's book 2) hiding of Tibbar or 3) Charlie and Finger developing a friendship?
Pg. 23) You officially introduced Tiny on page 24, and roughly introduced her on page 21. As soon as a character is seen, introduced them. Pg. 24) Misspelling, Fingers grabs her notebook and write in it. Pg. 24) "...behave like common street urchins." I love it. Pg. 25) When Will is dragged away and shouts back to Jack and Tiny, "I wish you well and so I take my leave." I thought, good, but when he says, "I pray you know me when we meet again," I laughed my ass off. It was at this point, that I truly started liking him. And of course you end it with Jack wondering what's going on and Tiny answers, "What do you care?" At that point, I wanted Will and Tiny to get romantically involved. This scene really works and works on so many levels and I absolutely love it. Pg. 27) You have Charlie running out the door, delivering dialogue OS, then you have her opening the door and heading out again. CLEAN IT UP!!! Pg. 32) I can't see Tina devouring a plate of bacon and eggs. For me that doesn't fit her character. Then when Charlie tells her that she's looking plump, that went against everything of how I viewed Tina. You have to show us that she's getting plump, because giving it to us in dialogue, you ran the risk of it getting overlooked. A small thing, but I just thought I'd let you know my cathartic feelings as I'm reading the piece. I'm between pages 33 - 39 and it's bugging me why Tina would betray Tank in not giving him the donut, especially now that I see she needs him to do something else. I'm on page 41 and wondering why there wasn't a scene showing Will being let out of BNB? One could argue we don't need it, but I think we do, seeing as so much was put into him being place there. Pg. 45) You start the dance room scene with a description of Bertha in her pink tutu and I just assumed it was her and Dougie in the scene, but a bit ways into the scene, I realized everybody's there. You have to give us the master first or you run the risk of disoriented the reader. I'm half way throught he piece I now know that my first thoughts of Will and Tina getting together is probably not going to happen. LOL. Okay, so I was wrong about Tina and it's obvious she turned out to be one of the bad guys. Another thing I'm feeling is that I really do feel the emotional truth is here. I'm buying it and willing to read the rest of the piece. Pg. 60) Fingers gives Charlie the lowdown about the whistle rules. This is a setup that should've come a lot early in the story. When it comes this late, 9 out of 10 times, it then feels like a plot device as a opposed to something that's organic from story. Pg. 62) Tank opens the window to BNB and gives Will and Alexander the candy bar. Was Will in BNB the whole time and is let out time to time, or was he put back here for jumping on Bertha's back during dance class? Pg. 64) INT. HAVE IT HALL - OUSTDIE JACKS ROOM - NIGHT. Should probably be, INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT. I only bring this up, because your sluglines are sometimes long and you have way too many of them and it slows down the reading. Mini-slugs can be very affective. Pg. 66) Jack grabs the letters in the action line, then you have him say, "We're taking all of these." Double information, we only need to see it or hear it. A small thing, but worth mentioning. Screenplays are all about brevity. Pg. 66) Again, you need to start the scene in a master, let us know who's all there. I didn't get that Tina was there until a few lines in the scene. She's in the scene and she doesn't enter it, so she needs to be there at the top. I'm around page 75 and at this point I'm thinking that Bertha has to know or at least suspect who it was that broke into her room. Her not having a clue is not believable to me. Pg. 76) You have two sluglines describing Bertha ironing then going to the window. Pg. 83) Just wanted to take moment and mention about all the nice images, my favorite being the cockroach shaped lamp. LOL. It really keeps in tune with Dougie's character. Pg. 85) I'm not buying that Thaddeus didn't check up on his grandson because he believed he was mad at him. Pg. 86) When Will breaks out of Shakespear shell and says "I know... That's what I'm here for," was perfect. I love it. Really ties it nicely together. I also thought it was clever how you kept that Shakespear thing going and how it all fitted into Will's actions in the story. Great job. Pg. 89) OH, YEAH, I'M FEELING IT. "I have not yet begun to fight." Good. Pg. 96) A nice little touch to have Charlie leave Grumio with Porter. Brilliant.
The ending is very satisfying. I liked it a lot, but if there's one thing I thought was missing was Tina's out come. We probably don't need it, but I kind of felt that there's a missed opportunity here for a nice character transformation. However, that's just my thought on it, but trust me, I really did enjoy the ending. It made me cry. Good stuff. The piece really has that "A Little Princess" feel to it. The writing is tight, clean, with a lot of thought put toward it. As the piece stands right now, it's big on Plot. My only concern would be character. Don't get me wrong; you have a lot of amazing things as far as characters are concerned. I'm just saying to be constantly thinking, "how to make characters more dimensional." A fine piece of writing and I wish you the very best.

Charlie Brown read

A cute little doc.

A review of Good Stuff: The Story Of A Man, A Dream, And A Whole Lotta Kites

by CharlieBrown on 12/27/2004

I could see why this was made. The old guy is filled with charm, charisma, and lots of widsom. I love them kites. That's something you don't see every day. I was wondering if this is a shorter piece to a longer version? If so, I don't think you'll have any problem getting it sold. Good job, and good luck with the rest of the contest.

Utilize everything, and make sure it ALL, ABSOLUTELY ALL OF IT, goes on the screen

A review of Gunfighter's Waltz

by CharlieBrown on 11/09/2004

I thought for everything you had, this piece should of been so much better. After all the required reading in the beginning, I thought to myself, Okay this is going to be one kick ass gunfight. That's what we were led to believe, but it doesn't happen. I thought it was kind of tame, with no style, and the momentum just wasn't there. Nothing we haven't seen before. Then... read

I hate to know how you feel about drinking.

A review of Up In Flames

by CharlieBrown on 07/29/2004

This was excellent. Reminded me what short films are supposed to be about. Fun, entertaining, and short. Looks really good for MiniDV. What really makes this piece work is the editing. The slow pacing, that builds with each cut, into this quick-in-your-face kind of feeling was nice. Good job on the editing. The sound effects were nice and gave it that added realism that... read

AN INDIE GEM

A review of Dead Last (Revised)

by CharlieBrown on 06/26/2004

A character oriented piece with twist and turns that keep you reading until the end. Nice job. The subtext is handled brillantly and the story's message/theme is there on every page. Absolutely loved it!!! The writer has made all the right choices and I really felt the maturity in this piece. A day has went by since I read it, and still, things are coming to me that really... read

Nothing to nitpick about

A review of The Heresy of Galileo

by CharlieBrown on 06/19/2004

This script has some of the most entertaining visuals one could ever imagine. Add a character that is a joy to be with, and The Heresy of Galileo should quickly find it's way on to the big screen. Expensive? You bet. The writer doesn't hold back on anything. It's usually said, when it comes to making movies "make sure the money goes on to the screen." Well, the writer... read

Lots of Scars and too many cuts.

A review of Things Best Left

by CharlieBrown on 06/12/2004

It looked good with a lot of style. But that's all I can say. Of course, this is what you were probably going for, experimental. Can't say too much for the acting, cause there had to have been over two, three hundred fast cuts. Striking images, but not enough time to get a feeling for anything. Just my opinion, and take it with a grain of salt, because I was never a fan... read

Nice camera moves.

A review of Side Effects

by CharlieBrown on 06/11/2004

Where's the story? If it's there, I totally missed it. This one really borderlines between commercial and experimental film. Four minutes of fluid camera moves with good composition makes it worth watching. The VO was interesting at first but after realizing it leads no where, is a big let down. Having said all that, hats off to you, for running a one man show. It's... read

A public service announcement???

A review of Goals: A Public Service Announcement

by CharlieBrown on 06/11/2004

Not much to say for this one. The first 20 or 30 seconds were okay, but than it quickly becomes boring and to find out at the end that there's no payoff was a real bummer. I guess we don't need to know who this guy is, where he's from, or where he's headed, but I'd imagine even in public service announcement's there's some type of back story. Good luck.

TriggerStreet

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Submissions by CharlieBrown

Reviews by CharlieBrown 148

Comments About CharlieBrown 4

eastb on 09/16/2012

blor on 05/09/2011

crossroads79 on 05/08/2011

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