a screenplay
by CJ Knight
A struggling musician inherits a mystical amulet that contains the living soul of Elvis. He accepts a charter from... more
CJ Knight
member since 03/12/2005 |
last login 12/28/2010
Done some acting, singing, song writing, screenplay writing, reviewing... still waiting for Steven Speilberg (or Simon Cowell) to call me!...
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Done some acting, singing, song writing, screenplay writing, reviewing... still waiting for Steven Speilberg (or Simon Cowell) to call me!
Submissions by CJ Knight
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a screenplay by CJ KnightA nerdy scientist’s life is turned upside down when an alien robot princess crash-lands on Earth... and seeks his... more
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a screenplay by CJ KnightGenres: horror, mystery/suspenseA teenage camping trip turns into a nightmare when they disturb a psychotic witch hunter. Think FRIDAY THE 13th... more
Reviews by CJ Knight 201
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A review of IRON MAIDENSby CJ Knight on 04/04/2010Great title! The first thing you notice is the lack of white space. This is an immediate flag of an amateur writer. Screenplays are not novels. They are meant to have short, punchy sentences that describe the characters/action with minimum effort. Just show us what we can see on the screen. Do not go into long descriptions or write your comments or anything that is an opinion,... Great title!
The first thing you notice is the lack of white space. This is an immediate flag of an amateur writer. Screenplays are not novels. They are meant to have short, punchy sentences that describe the characters/action with minimum effort. Just show us what we can see on the screen. Do not go into long descriptions or write your comments or anything that is an opinion, etc.
Watch for spelling mistakes, avoid CAPS in the dialogue and keep underlining to a minimum.
Would communist Russians play reels of “THE THREE STOOGES”... or appear on LIFE magazine?
Now to the story… a nice opening sequence leads us back into the Second World War… and then I’m hooked. This is like reading ENEMY AT THE GATES meets DEFIANCE with women and a tank.
Rare is it to come across such a gem on TS. Not only does this deserve to be a SOM, it could easily be made into a movie. The action is good, characters are great and the story/setting is superb.
Congratulations!
CJ Knight read -
A review of One Night in Amsterdamby CJ Knight on 04/03/2010The premise reads like LEAVING LAS VEGAS meets THE HANGOVER... and it looks as though we will be watching a man’s deterioration through drink and drugs, etc. However, the script contains little more than an endless batch of scenes that include three men going into bars, getting drunk and trying to get laid. The pattern repeats over and over and is only interrupted by Peter’s... The premise reads like LEAVING LAS VEGAS meets THE HANGOVER... and it looks as though we will be watching a man’s deterioration through drink and drugs, etc.
However, the script contains little more than an endless batch of scenes that include three men going into bars, getting drunk and trying to get laid. The pattern repeats over and over and is only interrupted by Peter’s brief chat with his dad… and the discovery that his girlfriend was cheating on him.
The real story doesn’t begin until P88 (Peter is being set up for murder), but by then I had lost all interest. The fact that Cormac admits, “Maybe I was just bored one day and wanted to see it if was possible to get away with murder.” just goes to show how thin this idea was.
The script really needed a hook or idea to drive the story forward and give it direction.
I was also not a fan of the narrative style, which I thought was rambling, full of author’s intrusions, unfilmables, and not the short punchy style required for screenwriting.
A few examples:
• “He instantly approaches”
• “who exudes authority”
• “At first glance, Peter’s luck appears to be in”
• “Peter initiates the conversation”
• “SUDDENLY”
• “Peter wears the look of a man who’s suddenly regretting his decision to work tonight”
• “The famous Amsterdam hash café”
P.S. Cormac speaks on P41, but he is not in the scene?
Sorry I have been so harsh. These are just my thoughts.
All the best with the script.
CJ Knight
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A review of Scabby CJ Knight on 03/23/2010Good to see a script from a fellow Brit on TS. This is a gritty drama based set against the backdrop of the miner’s strike. Perhaps too gritty? It’s so sad that it makes EASTENDERS look like Mary Poppins! There are brief moments of comedy, yet the overall theme and setting is utterly depressing. I think this might be a hard sell. People do not want to go and see films that... Good to see a script from a fellow Brit on TS. This is a gritty drama based set against the backdrop of the miner’s strike. Perhaps too gritty? It’s so sad that it makes EASTENDERS look like Mary Poppins!
There are brief moments of comedy, yet the overall theme and setting is utterly depressing. I think this might be a hard sell. People do not want to go and see films that reinforce their belief that life is shit. Give people a hard time by all means… give them mountains to climb… but don’t take away their hope (and blame God for all their troubles).
What the writer has done here is to make the equivalent of ROCKY, but in this version Rocky loses in the first round, returns to breaking thumbs and ends up committing suicide from a drugs overdose. Doesn’t have the same feel-good factor does it?
This story reminds me of BILLY ELLIOT and THE FULL MONTY, although in these stories there is a more satisfying resolution and more of a journey to go on. It is the lack of goal/journey in this story that prevents it from being a successful feature. It perhaps may make a TV drama (and because of this I would re-write it and send it off to the BBC Writer’s Room ASAP).
I liked some of the scenes and the dialogue was realistic. However, I was not a fan of the style or formatting. We are supposed to be in the 1980’s but his is never explained to the reader. We are not even told what county we are in, because we start with EXT. STREET – NIGHT. The remaining scene headings are equally inaccurate and there is a tendency to write a scene heading and then stick a sub heading immediately underneath (!?) I would also remove all the CUT TOs and extra spaces used.
The style is more akin to a novel. It is over-written and is too descriptive (e.g. Sarah begins to cry with anger and anguish). There are also frequent and unnecessary adverbs, parentheticals and author’s intrusions. Remember, the words on the page should only reflect what we see on screen. Everything else is irrelevant.
Any dialogue should be set in the dialogue and not in the action lines. I would also get people talking much quicker. It is 5 pages before any real dialogue… much too long!
That’s my penny’s worth. Best of luck.
CJ Knight read
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Submissions by CJ Knight
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a screenplay by CJ Knight
A struggling musician inherits a mystical amulet that contains the living soul of Elvis. He accepts a charter from... more
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a screenplay by CJ Knight
A nerdy scientist’s life is turned upside down when an alien robot princess crash-lands on Earth... and seeks his... more
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a screenplay by CJ KnightGenres: horror, mystery/suspense
A teenage camping trip turns into a nightmare when they disturb a psychotic witch hunter. Think FRIDAY THE 13th... more
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a screenplay by CJ KnightPITCH: A young Pony Express rider tackles corruption and Indians in the Wild West. Think RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK... more
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a screenplay by CJ Knight“In the mid-eighteenth century… … Sebastian Taylor’s family is murdered by vampires. With the help of a ninja master,... more
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a screenplay by CJ Knight
A U.S. Marshal working for the Witness Security Protection Program (WITSEC) is murdered. His brother sets out to... more
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a screenplay by CJ Knight
The Eleventh Century, Europe (the Dark Ages)… The king of England is dying, and the race is on to seize his throne... more
Reviews by CJ Knight 201
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A review of IRON MAIDENSby CJ Knight on 04/04/2010Great title! The first thing you notice is the lack of white space. This is an immediate flag of an amateur writer. Screenplays are not novels. They are meant to have short, punchy sentences that describe the characters/action with minimum effort. Just show us what we can see on the screen. Do not go into long descriptions or write your comments or anything that is an opinion,... Great title!
The first thing you notice is the lack of white space. This is an immediate flag of an amateur writer. Screenplays are not novels. They are meant to have short, punchy sentences that describe the characters/action with minimum effort. Just show us what we can see on the screen. Do not go into long descriptions or write your comments or anything that is an opinion, etc.
Watch for spelling mistakes, avoid CAPS in the dialogue and keep underlining to a minimum.
Would communist Russians play reels of “THE THREE STOOGES”... or appear on LIFE magazine?
Now to the story… a nice opening sequence leads us back into the Second World War… and then I’m hooked. This is like reading ENEMY AT THE GATES meets DEFIANCE with women and a tank.
Rare is it to come across such a gem on TS. Not only does this deserve to be a SOM, it could easily be made into a movie. The action is good, characters are great and the story/setting is superb.
Congratulations!
CJ Knight read -
A review of One Night in Amsterdamby CJ Knight on 04/03/2010The premise reads like LEAVING LAS VEGAS meets THE HANGOVER... and it looks as though we will be watching a man’s deterioration through drink and drugs, etc. However, the script contains little more than an endless batch of scenes that include three men going into bars, getting drunk and trying to get laid. The pattern repeats over and over and is only interrupted by Peter’s... The premise reads like LEAVING LAS VEGAS meets THE HANGOVER... and it looks as though we will be watching a man’s deterioration through drink and drugs, etc.
However, the script contains little more than an endless batch of scenes that include three men going into bars, getting drunk and trying to get laid. The pattern repeats over and over and is only interrupted by Peter’s brief chat with his dad… and the discovery that his girlfriend was cheating on him.
The real story doesn’t begin until P88 (Peter is being set up for murder), but by then I had lost all interest. The fact that Cormac admits, “Maybe I was just bored one day and wanted to see it if was possible to get away with murder.” just goes to show how thin this idea was.
The script really needed a hook or idea to drive the story forward and give it direction.
I was also not a fan of the narrative style, which I thought was rambling, full of author’s intrusions, unfilmables, and not the short punchy style required for screenwriting.
A few examples:
• “He instantly approaches”
• “who exudes authority”
• “At first glance, Peter’s luck appears to be in”
• “Peter initiates the conversation”
• “SUDDENLY”
• “Peter wears the look of a man who’s suddenly regretting his decision to work tonight”
• “The famous Amsterdam hash café”
P.S. Cormac speaks on P41, but he is not in the scene?
Sorry I have been so harsh. These are just my thoughts.
All the best with the script.
CJ Knight
read -
A review of Scabby CJ Knight on 03/23/2010Good to see a script from a fellow Brit on TS. This is a gritty drama based set against the backdrop of the miner’s strike. Perhaps too gritty? It’s so sad that it makes EASTENDERS look like Mary Poppins! There are brief moments of comedy, yet the overall theme and setting is utterly depressing. I think this might be a hard sell. People do not want to go and see films that... Good to see a script from a fellow Brit on TS. This is a gritty drama based set against the backdrop of the miner’s strike. Perhaps too gritty? It’s so sad that it makes EASTENDERS look like Mary Poppins!
There are brief moments of comedy, yet the overall theme and setting is utterly depressing. I think this might be a hard sell. People do not want to go and see films that reinforce their belief that life is shit. Give people a hard time by all means… give them mountains to climb… but don’t take away their hope (and blame God for all their troubles).
What the writer has done here is to make the equivalent of ROCKY, but in this version Rocky loses in the first round, returns to breaking thumbs and ends up committing suicide from a drugs overdose. Doesn’t have the same feel-good factor does it?
This story reminds me of BILLY ELLIOT and THE FULL MONTY, although in these stories there is a more satisfying resolution and more of a journey to go on. It is the lack of goal/journey in this story that prevents it from being a successful feature. It perhaps may make a TV drama (and because of this I would re-write it and send it off to the BBC Writer’s Room ASAP).
I liked some of the scenes and the dialogue was realistic. However, I was not a fan of the style or formatting. We are supposed to be in the 1980’s but his is never explained to the reader. We are not even told what county we are in, because we start with EXT. STREET – NIGHT. The remaining scene headings are equally inaccurate and there is a tendency to write a scene heading and then stick a sub heading immediately underneath (!?) I would also remove all the CUT TOs and extra spaces used.
The style is more akin to a novel. It is over-written and is too descriptive (e.g. Sarah begins to cry with anger and anguish). There are also frequent and unnecessary adverbs, parentheticals and author’s intrusions. Remember, the words on the page should only reflect what we see on screen. Everything else is irrelevant.
Any dialogue should be set in the dialogue and not in the action lines. I would also get people talking much quicker. It is 5 pages before any real dialogue… much too long!
That’s my penny’s worth. Best of luck.
CJ Knight read -
A review of The Boys are Backby CJ Knight on 03/21/2010As far as concept goes, this is a winner. You can definitely imagine a bunch of old pop has-beens staging a comeback... and you could probably find some star actors to play the roles if the script was right. Having said that, I didn’t think the story/characters quite hit the mark. The reason why THE FULL MONTY was so successful was because each of the characters had a back-story... As far as concept goes, this is a winner. You can definitely imagine a bunch of old pop has-beens staging a comeback... and you could probably find some star actors to play the roles if the script was right.
Having said that, I didn’t think the story/characters quite hit the mark. The reason why THE FULL MONTY was so successful was because each of the characters had a back-story that was sincere and tragic. Yes it was funny, but their problems made them human and likeable. The characters in this story are mere cartoons by comparison. I also thought the frequent references to mentally disabled people, homosexuals and child porn were ill advised.
Ultimately, there was never enough on the line for the characters. So what if they failed? What was at stake? Not that much.
The formatting was not too bad. Two things stuck out in my mind: 1) the use of MUSIC needs to be in CAPS and properly referenced. 2) MONTAGES need to be reviewed and re-written. As for style, I though there was an overuse of VO/progressive tense/adverbs, etc.
All the best.
CJ Knight read -
A review of The Self Conscious Sunby CJ Knight on 12/06/2009CONCEPT The synopsis refers to God and a new messiah. What I read was story about an alcoholic schizophrenic feeling sorry for himself and having visions of his son’s life (who swims a lot). PLOT/STORY I found no recognisable plot. It’s a story that rambles on from one scene to the next. New characters are introduced as we journey through Six’s life. Each scene is dialogue... CONCEPT
The synopsis refers to God and a new messiah. What I read was story about an alcoholic schizophrenic feeling sorry for himself and having visions of his son’s life (who swims a lot).
PLOT/STORY
I found no recognisable plot. It’s a story that rambles on from one scene to the next. New characters are introduced as we journey through Six’s life. Each scene is dialogue heavy and with so little to visually stimulate, it is perhaps best that this story be turned into a radio play?
The climax brings Claude and Six together, yet there is no resolution.
CHARACTERS
I felt very little empathy for the characters in this story. The characters are not very “likeable”. There are no flashes of brilliance or inspired acts of benevolence. For the most part, this is a bunch of dowdy characters that feel sorry for themselves.
DIALOGUE
I would say this is the strongest part of the screenplay. The dialogue exchanges are extensive and overly long… yet they are quite good.
FORMATTING/STYLE
• There are multiple issues with the style/formatting. There are huge blocks of rambling narrative text that contains adverbs/progressive tense/author’s intrusions/unnecessary parenthesis.
Other comments:
• I would use double not triple spaces between scenes
• Two men should be in CAPS. But as you are going to name them in the text later, you should call them by their names straight away.
• Get rid of every CUT TO:
• “INT. CLAUDE’S ROOM”. Is it DAY or NIGHT?
• How can you CUT TO the same location? You never left! If time has elapsed, use LATER as a sub heading.
• If the PSYCHOLOGIST is Nathan, why don’t you use NATHAN as the character cue?
• Your NOTE on Page 8 is clumsy. You could have just written SIX’s POV. In fact, it is probably better to leave the whole thing along and let the director decide what he/she wants to do.
• (O.S.) should be stuck next to the character cue.
• Use SUPER instead of “Appear the words:”
• Just use WOMAN instead of WOMAN IN THE PLAYGROUND
• Why have you crossed out “internet”?
• “INT. COMPUTER”. This means your character is INSIDE the computer!
• Use FADE OUT or THE END (and avoid referring to ENDING CREDITS).
SUMMARY
I totally missed the point on this one. The THEME/MESSAGE of the story needs to be brought out into the open to make it clearer to the audience… and it certainly needs to be more visually stimulating to entice an audience to watch it.
Good luck
CJ Knight read -
A review of The Clean Glassby CJ Knight on 12/04/2009Why is it called this? CONCEPT A convenience store worker starts a relationship with his boss’ psychotic wife. The premise struck me as THE GRADUATE meets FATAL ATTRACTION. PLOT Sorry to say that I was bored to tears by the opening and I was ready to burn the script/send to the trash can by page 5. This has a noir/black comedy feel and contains relentless & lengthy voice-overs... Why is it called this?
CONCEPT
A convenience store worker starts a relationship with his boss’ psychotic wife.
The premise struck me as THE GRADUATE meets FATAL ATTRACTION.
PLOT
Sorry to say that I was bored to tears by the opening and I was ready to burn the script/send to the trash can by page 5. This has a noir/black comedy feel and contains relentless & lengthy voice-overs.
There are multiple issues with the story. There are only 3 scenes of any relevance in the whole script and these are: 1) Ellen seduces Thom. 2) Ellen kills the stripper. 3) Pavel attacks Thom/Ellen kills him. The rest of the script is boring and mundane and the scenes do little to move the story forward.
The story is only 91 pages long. If the formatting/style and extra V.O. were edited, this would end up being around 50 pages. In other words, there is very little story.
The main character is Thom, yet nothing happens to him until he is seduced by Ellen (on page 32). The rest of the time, he is working in the store, visiting strip clubs and having pointless conversations with Nathan/police/store clerks, etc.
P.S. If the tape shows Pavel & Ellen, how do we arrive at the conclusion that Ellen wants Natahan or Thom?
CHARACTERS
We know so much about Thom, because he tells us everything he is thinking via his V.O. Despite this, there is little empathy built up, because he is a loser with no ambition. How on Earth Ellen managed to fall for this guy (so much so to kill off a love rival) is beyond me. Thom also learns nothing from the whole experience and so demonstrates no characters growth.
Clearly Ellen is deranged and the most interesting character in the story. Unfortunately, after she does her evil deed, she disappears for over 20 pages. Where did she go?
DIALOGUE
The dialogue itself is okay. The issue is what everybody talks about. It’s all boring and mundane stuff, and so is of little interest. I saw no need for any of the V.O. -- yet if it is to be kept, then it should kept to a minimum.
FORMATTING/STYLE
• The narrative is overlong and includes a lot of author’s intrusions. Text is blocked together and 8 lines are used to explain what should only tale 2 or 3 lines. There needs to be more white space on the page.
• I would not use the progressive tense in the narrative.
• I would avoid the use of adverbs in the narrative.
• I would put sound effects in CAPS
• FADE IN to what? You have a V.O. What are we looking at?
• “INT. THOM'S HOME - RAINY DAY – MORNING”. This is a poor scene heading. Scene headings are supposed to tell the set designer what to build and so “rainy day” is not appropriate. You also need to be more specific. Which room are we in? The bedroom? The kitchen? The hallway? I would also change MORNING for DAY (and EVENING for NIGHT).
• On the subject of scene headings, it seems that the characters walk all over the house with no change in scene heading. You need to indicate when we move from one room to another (even if just a sub heading). The same applies to BARGAIN BELLIES.
• “The house grows closer and closer.” & “Slow pull back from the receiver of a telephone which Thom is speaking into”. Avoid using camera directions. This is a spec script, not a shooting script.
• “THOM (29)” No description?
• I would stick parenthesis ABOVE the dialogue, not under it!
• “Your a...” You mean “You’re a...”
• Transitions should go against right-hand, margin (and you don’t need so many CUT TOs anyway).
• The dialogue of DISPATCH should be (V.O.)
SUMMARY
This script has such a long way to go. I hope the writer can take on board some of the above and produce a revised version for TS.
Good luck!
CJ Knight read -
A review of WICCAN GAMESby CJ Knight on 12/02/2009CONCEPT A young woman dabbles with love spells at work and stirs up trouble for Wiccans and Warlocks. PLOT It has to be said that the story is very lackluster at the start. Val is a goth that works down at Wal-Mart. She feels unloved and unattractive and so chats online to other geeks to cheer herself up. She befriends two others and receives a love spell (which actually...
CONCEPT
A young woman dabbles with love spells at work and stirs up trouble for Wiccans and Warlocks.
PLOT
It has to be said that the story is very lackluster at the start. Val is a goth that works down at Wal-Mart. She feels unloved and unattractive and so chats online to other geeks to cheer herself up. She befriends two others and receives a love spell (which actually works) and wins a beauty contest. Of course, it all goes wrong and it turns out that one of the chart room geeks is an actual spirit/demon that battles Val’s mother for her soul.
I think my issue with this story is that nothing really interesting really happens until the end of the script. Why do I want to read about a stroppy 20 year-old that works down at Wall-Mart and chats online with Wiccan/Wizard geeks? Where is the drama? Where is the action? Where is the comedy? There are spooky dreams, yet nothing is really scary. I therefore wonder what genre this story is supposed to fit into. It’s not HARRY POTTER. It’s not ANGEL/BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER. It’s not THE CRAFT. It’s more EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH… without the comedy.
CHARACTERS
I didn’t really empathise with Val as a character. I failed to feel sorry for her, or feel that anything in her life actually needed changing. Sure, she is unappreciated by her boyfriend. Isn’t everybody? It would be different if he beats her up and her life was in danger, but this was not the case. She was just bored and felt sorry for herself.
The story is in desperate need of a villain. Whilst it turns out that one of the chat room geeks is a demon that appears for a showdown at the end, the demon is not villainous from the outset. Without any conflict to push against, Val is just meandering through the story.
P53 is a bit late to introduce Celia. She should have been in an earlier scene. (Referring to her in dialogue does not count. We need to SEE her).
DIALOGUE
For the most part, I though that the dialogue was fair. The only thing that irritated me was the constant references to finding “focus” and being “centred”.
STYLE/FORMATTING
Various and multiple issues here. I would avoid using the progressive tense. I would restrict the use of adverbs and I would definitely remove most of the parenthesis. The narrative is full-to-bursting with author’s intrusions and unnecessary comments. These need to be removed.
A lot of narrative is written in a MONTAGE style, yet the actual MONTAGES are written incorrectly. It’s all a bit of a mess.
There are various spacing issues. There are lots of extra blank lines added for no reason on most pages.
You need to indicate that the conversation between RAYOFLIGHT/VALKYRIE/DARKNESS is text on screen and NOT dialogue.
What are “Reagent Locations”?
“Val shines him on”. Does she have a torch?
“steam roiling”. Do you mean “rolling”?
I would not put signage in the dialogue.
Put sound effects in CAPS.
“EXT. MURKY LAKE – DAY” Is this the name of the lake? If not, then “MURKY” should form part of the narrative description?
You need more SUB HEADS to indicate different places inside the WAL MART store.
“into his massive meat-hooks”. You mean “arms”?
Since when did Ray have striking hazel eyes? You can’t wait until P93 to tell us!
SUMMARY
My review sounds harsh and I apologise for that. I liked this script more than it appears in my review. I definitely perked whenever there was a naked body running through the woods! Whilst the ending is quite good, the rest of the story needs an injection of adrenaline and the stakes need raising.
Good luck.
CJ Knight
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A review of Northern Burritosby CJ Knight on 11/30/2009I liked the title. CONCEPT A young man starts work at an old people’s home and is taken hostage by the residents. Think the geriatric GOLDEN GIRLS meets ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13. PLOT Quite thin as plot goes. It read more like a series of different set-ups, as Frank is introduced to weird character after character. Because we never leave the home (for any significant time),... I liked the title.
CONCEPT
A young man starts work at an old people’s home and is taken hostage by the residents. Think the geriatric GOLDEN GIRLS meets ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13.
PLOT
Quite thin as plot goes. It read more like a series of different set-ups, as Frank is introduced to weird character after character. Because we never leave the home (for any significant time), it feels as though there is little change in the scenes and/or pace. I did not feel as sense of rising drama/tension… until the SWAT team and tanks arrive.
There is a romance subplot, but the story needed more going on. I would have added more subplots to add extra dimension to the story and increase the page count.
CHARACTERS
A very good job here. A usual mix of weirdoes and eccentrics, as you’d expect in such a place. (I’m not sure about the Nazi). Frank played a good role, but needed to be more of a hero. A lot of things seem to happen, but were not CAUSED by him.
DIALOGUE
Good dialogue also! Quite a few funny exchanges. Although, fix the sticky keys on your keyboard… because I was irritated by all the extended words:
• Nooooooooooooo!
• Heeeeeyyyyy
• Riiiiiiigt...
• Oooooh
• Aaaaggghh!
• Ooooops
• sooooooo
• Aaauch
• Auuuuugghh!
• Soooooo
• NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
• Heeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
• Fraaaaaaannnnkkkkkk!
• Gaaarrrhh.
• Shhhiiiiiiittt!
• Gooooooooooo
• Slooooowwly
• NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
• Yeaaahh
• Hmmmm
• Awww
You could get away with a couple of these in a screenplay, but it seems you have an obsession. Allow your actors to act!
STYLE/FORMATTING
What is “heroic-size”? Actual-size? Bigger?
I would not refer to “f.g.” in a spec script.
Why not give RESIDENT #1/ RESIDENT #2 names?
I would not use the progressive tense in the narrative.
I would not use adverbs in the narrative.
I would remove: CUT TO/SMASH CUT TO:
I would not use CAPS in the dialogue.
I would not use semicolons in the narrative.
I would remove unnecessary parenthesis. It is the director’s job to tell actors how to say their lines.
WEATHERGIRL is 2 words WEATHER GIRL
Stick (V.O.) or (ON TV) next to the following character cues: WEATHER GIRL/NEWS ANCHOR/REPORTER.
I would watch line spacing. There are a few extra lines of white space that need to be removed.
I would remove “author’s intrusions”, such as:
• DR. WELLESLEY (30’s), too dashing for words (so I won’t even try)
• Yep...humongous fireball.
• SLOW MOTION WITH BACKGROUND ORCHESTRA MUSIC, THE KIND YOU HEAR IN WAR MOVIES WHEN EVERYONE IS DRAMATICALLY WIPED OUT
• Two knitting needles slide up her wrists into her hands, ala Wolverine (X-men) style.
• (think Sergeant Elias from ‘Platoon’)
If you break sentence, you need to go to a sub heading, not a full scene heading.
Stick to one name in your screenplay to avoid confusion. Call Penelope PENELOPE and not RADIANT WOMAN or MISS WARMDUSCHER.
Stick FLASHBACK on the end of your scene heading (not on the line above).
SLOW MOTION WITH BACKGROUND TEEN BUBBLEGUM POP SONG
This line needs to be re-thought!
MS. ORTEGA (OVER AND OVER)
I would remove (OVER AND OVER)
HAPPY GOLUCKY OVER MICROPHONE (V.O.)
I would just use HAPPY GO-LUCKY (V.O.)
OFFICER ON RADIO (V.O.)
I would just use OFFICER (V.O.)
MONTAGE:
QUICK INTERCUTS OF STILL PICS, EACH MORE HOMOEROTIC THAN THE
LAST
END MONTAGE
• This is not how you write a MONTAGE!
MUSIC needs to be in CAPS
THE END or FADE OUT (pick one)
SUMMARY
This screenplay has a lot to offer. There are funny characters and some good lines. Add a bit more plot/subplot and it could go far!
Good luck
CJ Knight read -
A review of She Can't Stay with Meby CJ Knight on 11/28/2009Not sure about the title. CONCEPT A frustrated daughter plans to kill her interfering mother… but then gives up on the whole idea. Think STOP! OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT meets THROW MOMMA FROM THE TRAIN. PLOT The story starts immediately and is the darkest of dramas (i.e. we are at a funeral). I had no idea this was a comedy until we’re in the bar on page 7. Bearing this in mind,... Not sure about the title.
CONCEPT
A frustrated daughter plans to kill her interfering mother… but then gives up on the whole idea. Think STOP! OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT meets THROW MOMMA FROM THE TRAIN.
PLOT
The story starts immediately and is the darkest of dramas (i.e. we are at a funeral). I had no idea this was a comedy until we’re in the bar on page 7. Bearing this in mind, I would go back to the first page and insert some much needed comedy into it -- just so the audience know what type of film they are watching.
The problem with the whole “kill your mother” idea is that Elinore is just irritating and does not deserve to die. The siblings are not really concerned with inheriting any of her money and so lack a real motivation to kill her. Elinore comes across more like ESTELLE GETTY in STOP! OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT. That is, she is not evil, she just gets in the way. All any of the siblings need to do is move away or ban her from the house, etc.
The training camp was fun and I liked the twist when Elinore discovered Stella’s secret plans. However, when she gets thrown into jail I had no idea which direction we were going in. We are very definitely in SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION territory here. Stella plans and executes her escape… only to be immediately recaptured. What a waste of time!
It was funny when Elinore ended up in the same jail. From then on, there was very little direction in the story. The two never really resolve any of their issues and the story ends in the same place that it started (except Stella now has a baby). In conclusion, I am not entirely sure what the story achieved.
CHARACTERS
Some good characters here and I think the writer did a good job. It was a shame that some characters were introduced and then never came back into the story. The two brothers were great, but they had similar personalities and so they may as well have been one person. Even though they were involved in the initial stages, they seemed to disappear in the middle and were nowhere in sight at the end.
DIALOGUE
Some good dialogue and exchanges here. I feel the writer is good at comedy. However, there is too much dialogue in this story (which is only 99 pages in any event).
FORMATTING/STYLE
I would introduce the REVEREND before you give him any dialogue to speak, unless you are using (O.S.).
How old are Stella/Ernie/Hubie supposed to be?
I would watch out for the adverbs and avoid using the progressive tense in the narrative.
No need for LATER (it’s obvious)… but we do need to know if DAY or NIGHT. I would not use MORNING or CONTINUOUS.
Try to fit your scene headings on one line.
Reduce/omit “author’s intrusions” and comments about what the characters are doing and thinking. Only write what we see on screen.
Use double (not single) dashes to break a dialogue.
Why use VOICE (ANNIE), when you can just use ANNIE (?)
I would try to keep your narrative lines to just a few lines. Avoid heavy blocks of text on the page.
(They toast, and Stella keeps drawing)
Why in brackets? There are a few lines like this.
I would cut down the amount of FLASHBACKS.
I did like STELLA’S FANTASY. Funny!
In the dialogue, use words for numbers, not digits.
Are your scene headings appropriate? In one scene, you put us in STELLA’S APARTMENT, yet you talk about clearing away dishes from a table. Should we not be in a kitchen? The confusion arises because you do not describe your scene locations. I would add a line or two to describe your scene locations. Give us a feel for where we are before you start the narrative/dialogue.
End with THE END or FADE OUT (not just FADE).
SUMMARY
The premise is provided, but there is a general lack of direction and this story is in need of a satisfying ending. There is a noticeable lack of subplots and foreshadowing/payoff. Having said this, the writer clearly has the ability to create good characters and give them decent/funny lines of dialogue.
Good luck!
CJ Knight read -
A review of Work and Rescueby CJ Knight on 11/26/2009WORK AND RESCUE I would choose a more interesting title. CONCEPT A loser office worker is forced to baby-sit a group of kids, who are later kidnapped and held to ransom... (a comedy). PLOT Personally, I would change the opening for something more dramatic before we show Greg in his normal life. I think the set-up was good and the characters seemed plausible. The only... WORK AND RESCUE
I would choose a more interesting title.
CONCEPT
A loser office worker is forced to baby-sit a group of kids, who are later
kidnapped and held to ransom... (a comedy).
PLOT
Personally, I would change the opening for something more dramatic before
we show Greg in his normal life. I think the set-up was good and the
characters seemed plausible.
The only thing that struck me was that Greg is set up as a bit of a loser,
yet he was shortlist for promotion. Why? And as there was a promotion in
the offering, why was it that no-one wanted to volunteer to baby-sit the
kids? In reality, people would jump at the chance to impress (if they
wanted a promotion).
The introduction of the kids was a delight. I really liked the characters.
I especially liked the bit with the snake (and later, the parrot).
I though the kidnapping was good, yet I would change what Greg does
thereafter. First of all, he has to call the police/Feds. Whether or not
they are a help or a hindrance is up to you, but the fact that they are
never contacted is implausible. Also, the fact that Greg is able to get his
hands on $5 million and pays the kidnappers before the end of Page 32 does
not seem real. You are solving Greg's main problem for him. This is
something he should struggle with during the entire course of the story!
If Greg is knocked out by one tranquilizer, how can a parrot take 3 shots
and still be flying around?
As far as Greg is concerned, Craig organized the kidnapping... just so he can
stop him from being promoted? This is too much of a stretch for the
imagination. You can be executed for kidnapping and no-one is going to take
this risk just to get an office promotion. Remember, Craig didn't even know
who Greg was when they met, so how could he consider him a threat to his
promotion/girlfriend?
Of course, Craig is not the bad guy (a good twist), but the above comments
must also apply to Andy. The introduction of a bomb was a step too far and
I don't feel there was a need for it.
On the down-side I do have to say that you CANNOT mix children with sex
jokes. It is uncomfortable and you will have a struggle to push this
through the studio execs. You must keep one or the other. I do not believe
you can have both. Personally, I think you are onto a winner with the kids,
so I would remove all references to sex, etc and reduce the cert of the
movie to get kids to want to go and see this.
CHARACTERS
I liked most of the characters. Job well done. Kendra could have done with
more "depth" and a bigger role in the story during the middle. She was
supposed to be the love interest, after all.
If Greg is a loser, would he be able to beat up 2 thugs?
The Russians were the weakest link. You need to make them more believable, and they need to stop talking so much about steroids.
I would remove Snoop Dog. Unless he is a personal friend of yours, you cannot guarantee he will want to appear in your movie.
DIALOGUE
Some good lines here. "Human Resources, huh? Could you be resourceful and throw this in the break room? I especially liked Kyle's dialogue (however, he wasn't even born in 1994 and so would not remember Vanilla Ice).
Avoid Yeeeoowwwwwww! and Nooooooooooooo!
FORMATTING/STYLE
For me, this was the weakest part. The script is full of unnecessary parenthesis, adverbs, comments and "author's intrusions" such as:
• At thirty-five, Greg is a humble soul with the heart of a teddy bear.
• He's been waiting for today
• Greg cannot believe it.
• Everyone stares at poor Greg.
• Greg, facing the other way, tries to stay positive.
• Greg sucks it up and approaches Kyle.
• This guy is good.
• A definite "Oh, sht" moment.
• Greg remembers it vividly.
• deeply embarrassed. Greg wants to die.
I would replace ON SCREEN with ON TV
I would not refer to any sort of MUSIC unless the characters can hear it. If used, put MUSIC in CAPS. This also applies to sound effects
I would stop underlining dialogue.
I would stop using (CONT'D)
How old are the FIVE BULLIES? Greg is 35, so you need to indicate they are kids straight away.
MIKE TIDWELL, same age. Same age as who?
BACK TO REALITY (were we in a dream sequence then?)
What is strep throat?
I would have more care with naming characters:
• REALLY FAT KID
• DORKY EMPLOYEE
• ANGRY LIEFGUARD
• BIG MOMMA 2
• BETTING BUDDY # 1
• DISGUSTING
• CREEP
• WEIRDO
• GREASY WORKER
• RANDOM CHICK
RANDOM CHICK? In an office? Perhaps you should show more respect for woman. What if the agent/producer you want to impress is a woman and she reads your screenplay?
Also, when introducing characters, stick the name first and then describe... not the other way around. Give your characters ONE name only. For example, do not use WOMAN'S VOICE... do not use WOMAN... use MRS. TANNER. LEN should be LEN and not MAN.
Who is Richard Simmons?
SUMMARY
I have to say that this is the most promising screenplay I have read for a while. Some changes are necessary, but this is a good effort. keep up the good work!
CJ Knight read
Comments About CJ Knight 53
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moejoe_dreams on 04/30/2010
Thank you for the Review of the Boys are Back... apperciate all your thoughts. Thank you. -
davidmcewing on 04/04/2010
Hi CJ:
Thanks for your positive review of 'Iron Maidens,'
I did a lot research on the Russian / German conflict and found that Stalin not only watched the 3 Stooges, but loved American cowboys like Tom Mix and Harry Carey.
Life magazine was very pro-Russian during WW2 and featured quite a few articles and photos of Soviet heroes.
Thanks again.
Dave -
Proudo on 03/24/2010
Thanks so much for reviewing Scab, I appreciate your insightful comments and will certainly be taking them on board.
Cheers
Lee. -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 03/22/2010
Thanks for your review on THE GANGSTER'S SON. What's the difference between something like this and The Godfather? Don't both have constant swearing and violence? Just curious, I hear this all the time. Movies with black characters doing gangster stuff, oh I can't take it. Movies with white characters doing the same thing, oh man that was great. Not an attack just curious on your thoughts. -
general1 on 12/23/2009
no problem, and best of luck with the script -
gclifton on 12/05/2009
Thank you for your review and insight of The Dragon Marks Eight. I was in the cop business forty years and first saw a screenplay a couple of months ago. This first draft does reflect editing carelessness and a multitude of other flaws of a rank amateur. Reviewers have pointed out the importance of formatting and general mechanics, but you have added a couple of comments of considerable use. I have a re-write worked up and hope for better flow. In view of your obvious success in the business, your comments are encouraged.
No doubt, Elliot Ness and all the rest of the ATF Special Agents who investigate firearms, arson, and bombing crimes and resultant homicides have never heard of you either. If you gather your knowledge of police procedure from CSI or NUMBERS, you should consider watching HOUSE and becoming a brain surgeon.. For any further insight, feel free to contact me at: gclifton111@yahoo.com -
Garrettmoe.usa on 12/04/2009
Thanks for the read and review. Believe me, i'm taking the notes very seriously. I am reworking this script in almost all aspects. The grammar, misspellings, punctuation, VO issues, unneeded descriptions and explaining more of why Ellen is so crazy over Thom. Also, as to where she goes for 20 minutes.
This is a first draft and I am doing what I can to get the second up to par. But again, thanks for the read and review. I'm sorry it couldn't have been more interesting for you. -
mlambush on 12/04/2009
Thanks for the review, man! I appreciate your notes
Mickey Lee -
RJWIII on 12/01/2009
Thanks for taking the time to read and review ‘Northern Burritos.’ Have a good one.
RJ
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silverberetta17 on 11/29/2009
CJ thanks so much for the Work and Rescue review! I'm wondering how it was "one of the better reads" -- yet you were so hard on it !! ;)
Thanks again man! See you on the boards!?!?
- Nick
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Comments About CJ Knight 53
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Quote
Thank you for the Review of the Boys are Back... apperciate all your thoughts. Thank you.
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Hi CJ:
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Quote
Thanks so much for reviewing Scab, I appreciate your insightful comments and will certainly be taking them on board.
+ more commentsmoejoe_dreams on 04/30/2010
davidmcewing on 04/04/2010
Thanks for your positive review of 'Iron Maidens,'
I did a lot research on the Russian / German conflict and found that Stalin not only watched the 3 Stooges, but loved American cowboys like Tom Mix and Harry Carey.
Life magazine was very pro-Russian during WW2 and featured quite a few articles and photos of Soviet heroes.
Thanks again.
Dave
Proudo on 03/24/2010
Cheers
Lee.