Cjdias11

A review of Cha, Cha, Cha

by Cjdias11 on 06/15/2005

Well, I have something in common with the writers here, or at least the character "Smith." Three's Company is a big guilty pleasure of mine. So I enjoyed all the references and the similar setting. I think you have the makings of a really good concept here. It's not there yet, but with a few rewrites this can really work. Kind of a big-screen version of Three's Company in the... Well, I have something in common with the writers here, or at least the character "Smith." Three's Company is a big guilty pleasure of mine. So I enjoyed all the references and the similar setting.
I think you have the makings of a really good concept here. It's not there yet, but with a few rewrites this can really work. Kind of a big-screen version of Three's Company in the style of those Charlie's Angels movies. With lots of laughs and action. As it stands now however, there isn't enough action or comedy for that matter. It reads like a very early draft, which it probably is.
I've heard the expression "talking heads" on this site before, and I think that fits with this screenplay. Your characters just talk way too much. Rather than letting us see the story unfold, we're forced to listen to the characters TELL us what's happening. That's not good in a screenplay.
If this were my project, I'd focus more on making this a comedy-action script. Charley's Angles mixed with Three's Company. I know your characters actually reference themsevles like that, but right now it's not really true.
I didn't buy any of the relationships, especially Savannah's. Why did she fall for Juan so fast? And when I say fall, I mean faaaallll. And if we're supposed to believe she's so deeply in love with him, why are her, Sissy, and Benny making jokes and basically back to normal so soon after Juan is shot?
Savanna and Sammy's relationship doesn't happen until well after the 50 page mark. So, we can't really feel anything for them. There is almost no set-up to that! Sammy just suddenly proposes to her, and we learn at the end that she has accepted. Marriage is a huge commitment, and I doubt Sammy or even Savanna would jump so quickly into it, baby or not.
And if Savannah is the main character of this screenplay, you need to make this evident right away. Maybe give her a scene (without Sissy or Benny) at the start of the script. Show her kicking ass as a DEA agent or something. I know she isn't an agent at the start of the script . . but then again, why isn't she?
Good luck with this. Again, you have the makings of a really good action-comedy movie. I'd love to give it another read after another rewrite or two. read

Possesion of Death

A review of Possession of Death

by Cjdias11 on 06/14/2005

Well I'll start by saying what I'm sure other reviewers have probably said, or will say. Your formatting is way off. I'm not sure where you learned to write spec screenplays, but you should probably demand your money back. Then again, you say this was written long ago, so you could already know all that. In fact, since I'm sure you've been told all this before, I'm gonna focus... Well I'll start by saying what I'm sure other reviewers have probably said, or will say. Your formatting is way off. I'm not sure where you learned to write spec screenplays, but you should probably demand your money back. Then again, you say this was written long ago, so you could already know all that.
In fact, since I'm sure you've been told all this before, I'm gonna focus on your actual story in this review. I like all the different elements that come together in this screenplay. The high-school drama, the family drama, the witchcraft, the possesion, etc. It makes it very apparent that there is a great concept buried in here somewhere. I think you just need to focus a bit more on what that concept is. A high-schooler with boyfriend troubles who's possesed by her mother. Or a powerful witch with family secrets. I'm not sure you could keep all the elements together in one screenplay while telling a good story, but you could easily prove me wrong.
It just seems like you need a bit more focus with this story. At first we're following the suicidal mother and her tragic life spent searching for love. (By the way, you might wanna consider her jump off the town-hall a little bit sooner) That's fine. Then, her spirit begins to possess her daughter, taunting her and seemingly bent on ruining her life. Still fine. But I think at about page 45-50, it starts to become all about Sirel and her story. I don't think we even see Isobel's family from the knife incident with Taura until Isobel's funeral. It's strange to be spending so much time with these people in Act 1, only to not see them for 30 pages or so later on.
This could be nitpicking, but it seems weird when these witches refer to "the Lord." Would Sirel, a witch, really say "May the Lord bless her soul" if she was truly a witch.
I'm a little foggy about the story with Ilya (I'd consider changing his name, too . . it's a bit rough to read so much). I'm not sure what his full intentions were. The same could be said for Eleanor, actually. When Ilya asks her what's in the plan for her, she says "That's none of your concern." Well, it must be at least the audience's concern. Unless I missed it somehow, I saw no resolution to that.
But again, apparently this was written long ago, and I'm sure with the other reviews you've gotten you're more knowledgable about screenwriting already. Just focus more on what story you want to write, and I'm sure with that imagination of yours you'll come up with something really good. Good luck it all. read

Shooting Blanks Review

A review of Shooting Blanks (revised)

by Cjdias11 on 06/14/2005

Alright, before I get to the actual story and everything, let me say this. I don't if it was a bad download or something, but the screenplay (in RTF) showed up as 109 pages for me, not 96. On top of that, there were no actual page numbers. Maybe it was just the file format, but I'd look into it. That said, I'll start by saying this was mostly an entertaining read. After the... Alright, before I get to the actual story and everything, let me say this. I don't if it was a bad download or something, but the screenplay (in RTF) showed up as 109 pages for me, not 96. On top of that, there were no actual page numbers. Maybe it was just the file format, but I'd look into it.
That said, I'll start by saying this was mostly an entertaining read. After the first Act, it really picks up and becomes it's own story. As for Act I, it's a bit too much like The Sopranos. I don't know if you're a huge fan of that show paying tribute, or if you're not familiar with it at all and this is just a bizzare coincidence, but it's a lot like that show. What with the organized crime figure and his family life. I know techincally he's a hitman and not a mob-boss, but it's still a bit too close for comfort. So the first 25 pages or so could get your script tossed, but then again, who knows in today's Hollywood.
I really liked the Toy Maker, especially when it's revealed who "he" really is. It was cool seeing all the gadgets and stuff around all the old-timers who'd prefer to just use a gun. Good stuff.
The Sandman character in his own right is good too. I know I brought up the Sopranos, but you've made the Sandman his own character, fortunately. You seem like a natural story-teller, with all your twists and turns. I love the whole Murphy thing, "The Sandman is dead." Awesome the way that turned out, and I don't think I've seen that done anywhere else.
The good news in all of this is that after a rewrite or two, this would get a big thumbs-up from me. But as it stands now, I can't really say that.
The main reasons are not about your story, actually. You've left out a lot of words, and added a lot of them that shouldn't be there. There are lots of typos and errors in this. You need to set aside a day for a long proof-read. And beyond that even, the script is very hard to follow at some points. It's strange, because you obviously know how to tell a story. Some parts of the script flow very smoothly, and some parts are just very very rough.
Like the opening scene with the Toy Maker and his gameboy, and the robot climbing the building. That took about three re-reads for me to understand what was going on. (Not a great way to start off a screenplay). You need to make it more clear that we're seeing the POV of the robot in the gameboy.
It's just very confusing right now. At first I thought the robot was after the Toy Maker, when just minutes earlier it was on the building!
You also use camera angles a lot. Unless you're gonna try and film this thing yourself, you should really take them out. I, and most on this site, and most producers, think that's a big mistake. "Let the director do his job." As cliche as that sounds.
One big mistake in this that really stuck out in my mind. Page 7 (?) The scene with Sandman, Bailey, and Cordelia in the kitchen. You have Cordelia already there, and she playfully throws a spoon. But then you introduce her in caps (for the second time in the screenplay), and you say she's entering the kitchen when she was already there.
But all in all, I had fun reading this. I didn't really get bored after the first act. There are lots of good twists and turns that kept the pages turning. Just another rewrite or two, and you'll get there. Good luck! read

Multiplex Review

A review of Multiplex

by Cjdias11 on 06/07/2005

Well, I finally got assigned to a movie! Not just a screenplay, but a movie. "Multiplex" would make for a great teen-comedy. It kind of reminded me of "Harld and Kumar Go to White Castle." But don't worry, I mean that in a good way. This screenplay is a lot of fun. I think with another draft or two, you could have a winner on your hands. My main problem with it is the structure... Well, I finally got assigned to a movie! Not just a screenplay, but a movie. "Multiplex" would make for a great teen-comedy. It kind of reminded me of "Harld and Kumar Go to White Castle." But don't worry, I mean that in a good way. This screenplay is a lot of fun.
I think with another draft or two, you could have a winner on your hands.
My main problem with it is the structure. It seems like two stories put into one sometimes. For the majority of the script we're following Danny and his quest for Hope. Then, all of a sudden at the end, we're faced with this robbery thing. And it seems like another movie is about to start! But then about 10 pages later, the script ends. Maybe you should introduce the robbery a bit earlier? Or at least hint at it a little more than a character saying, "Now, we wait."
I loved the "Duke of Earl" thing. I've learned that producers kind of squirm when they read copyrighted songs in a screenplay, because it basically means work for them. But it just fits so perfectly, that I'm not sure what you should do . . But thumbs up on that anyway. Great gag. (No pun intended)
There's a few times where it seems like you cut away from scenes at bad times, and it makes them seem useless even if they're really not. And this is just a nitpicky personal-taste thing, but I would cut back on the high schooler, um, having "fun" so much. It's just . . kind of gross. And not in the good way. But that's just me. I also would have liked to see more funny flashbacks. That first one was probably the funniest part of the script (besides the Duke of Earl thing)

A couple typos:

Page 10 - "Enters the lobby and slinks 'pass' the snackbar."

Page 43 - Danny:"What's going on?" Don't you mean Albert?

Those are the two major ones that stick out in my mind. Again, I really enjoyed the screenplay. Now just make it even better, and you have yourself a great teen comedy. Oh, and the fact that it all takes place in one building is great. Leaves it open for low-budget. Good luck! read

Pretty good for a working draft!

A review of Chihuahua Popcorn

by Cjdias11 on 03/06/2005

To be honest, I'm not really sure how to start off. For the most part, I enjoyed reading this. Though on occasion, I did find my eyes drifting to the page numbers, mainly during the second act. The whole "chase-the-ticket" thing (one character gets the ticket, other characters chase, etc, etc) was getting a little tiresome, in my opinion. Don't get me wrong, I like the concept,... read

A Quick Read

A review of 12 Points

by Cjdias11 on 03/01/2005

I enjoyed reading this screenplay. For the most part, things flowed nicely and I never got bored, even though I thought I might. (I don't think the logline does it justice.) The characters, in my opinion, were created rather well. I found myself actually caring about them. Although, some of the stuff with the townsfolk was a little overdone. I mean, some of those characters,... read

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