CrabbyLady

RATHER INTERESTING IDEA HERE (FOR A START)

A review of Lucidity

by CrabbyLady on 12/20/2011

First of all, you have a wonderful premise here. Who among us wouldn't want to literally battle our demons and be rid of them once and for all? Your main character, Frank, certainly has a lot on his plate, and you start off very nicely with your introduction of him relieving the grief and guilt he feels over the kidnapping of his sister, and his inability to do anything about... First of all, you have a wonderful premise here. Who among us wouldn't want to literally battle our demons and be rid of them once and for all?

Your main character, Frank, certainly has a lot on his plate, and you start off very nicely with your introduction of him relieving the grief and guilt he feels over the kidnapping of his sister, and his inability to do anything about it. Plus having to deal with fellow classmates berating him for "not doing more".

We then see Frank older, sadder and in desperate need of help - any help - so that he avoids killing himself. Once he's in his "new world", however, you pretty much lost me. Now I like the idea with the knights and jousting and all that, but my main complaint is that everything moved a bit too fast for my taste.

There is certainly something to be said for "less is more", but in my opinion (and remember it's just my opinion) there was too little to start off with. I don't know and no one I know knows what the kidnapping of a young child would do to oneself or their family. At the very least, it must beyond traumatizing. Let's see a bit more of what that does to Frank. I loved the idea that he could see Madison being enticed into a car and being too afraid to stop her, or running to stop her and is unable to catch up in time. That should certainly be played out more. The fact then that he was unable to do anything, the guilt that goes with it and the scorn of others around him (who weren't there, for crying out loud) would weigh heavily on anyone, but especially a young boy.

You also do a fairly nice job of showing us "older" Frank in his inability to get up right away when the alarm clock rings, and then showing up late to a job he really doesn't want or like. But show us more of the humdrum. Who can't relate to that as well? Show us more of his inability to reach out to others, as his guilt is preventing him from seeing himself as worthy.

Once in the "dream world" it's rather interesting that Billy shows up the most. All of us have had one person in our life that we're dying to just punch in the nose (if we got the chance) so that's a good angle to have in that he finally gets to "confront" Billy. I had no doubt what was going to happen, but you built it up enough so that I was eager to find out not what, but how, it was going to come down.

I have to admit that I'm a sucker for the ending you have. Build that up more as well. Here's the love of his life, his world is the way it should be, and most importantly, the one he thought lost forever was back in his life. But, again, it would have been just a tad more intriguing if Frank had woken up in his "regular" life, but determined to make the most of it, and determined to finalize his guilt and pain over Madison.

Definitely take your time with this. You "clock in" now at just about 106 pages, so you have quite a bit more space to work with (average SP's are 120 pages). Show us more, let us feel more for Frank (especially with Madison) and show us more of what that did to his family (as you do portray them in the 'dream world' as being especially close). Do the parents blame him unconsciously that he couldn't do more to help Madison? Did he even get a license plate or the make/model of the vehicle, or was he too terrified to remember? Now you do let us see that Frank is tormented, but really bring that out. Really let us see why suicide would seem the best solution for him (in his mind, at least).

The idea of the Dreamcatcher was wonderful. I have a few myself and they are wonderful ornaments, even if you don't believe in their "power". Perhaps show that Frank's sleep becomes less fitful and more restful once he has them. Build up the nights where his dream (the "other" world) becomes more and more graphic and in focus so that he can't wait to fall asleep. THEN let him go and not come back out until he conquers his fear.

You do have a very interesting idea here, and I encourage you to keep going with it. Whatever you decide to do, keep going and the best of luck to you! read

YOU HAD ME PRETTY MUCH UNTIL THE END

A review of The Office Pool (2011 Rewrite)

by CrabbyLady on 08/28/2011

You have a very timely subject matter here, in that who hasn't wondered what would happen if they won the lottery. All of us dream of the moment when we can buy whatever we want, or tell our boss to kiss our ass, or realize a dream. You set up nicely the "job pool", and we've all heard and/or read about people in businesses who come together and win the big one and you have... You have a very timely subject matter here, in that who hasn't wondered what would happen if they won the lottery. All of us dream of the moment when we can buy whatever we want, or tell our boss to kiss our ass, or realize a dream. You set up nicely the "job pool", and we've all heard and/or read about people in businesses who come together and win the big one and you have a nice mix of characters.

I did like how you let us see into their private lives, somewhat, and I especially liked Kenny with his virtual reality. It was touching, funny and sad at the same time.

Mimi was also realistically drawn as I have had a number of bosses as bitchy, and bitchier, than she is so I could relate. I didn't find her overdone or unbelievable at all. And she was quite believable in wanting to join the pool after the fact; I have often wondered how many of "that kind" pop up in real life when a big draw is won.

I also enjoyed the character of Dot very much and how she never really retires. I always loved the fact that you had her at the wheel of the van being in charge of getting everyone there. Her reaction trying to warn everyone about the Thug was quite good.

JR bragging about winning the lottery was also quite good; I could definitely see that happening and it reminded me of the real life lottery winner who always bragged about carrying something like $50,000 around with him and then was surprised when someone robbed him. The characters all do things that only the promise of big money would make them do (such as knocking Mimi out with the bottle). "The love of money is the root of all evil" goes the old saying, and even the gentlest souls will run over their grandmothers to get big bucks. Plus the "true feelings" that come out when everyone thinks that they are going to be too rich to care - nicely done.

The race to the lottery office was quite clever, in that I didn't find any of the scenarios too unbelievable or "out there"; perhaps it was a little stretch in that they happen all on the same trip (the stop at the gas station with the ticket on the bottom of a shoe and the religious truck driver had me laughing) but I enjoyed reading about them. After all, how boring it would be if they just drove, got to the lottery office and claimed the money. SOMETHING has to happen and you make sure to have it interesting and funny (i.e., knocking out the power to get the truck there was unexpected!)

Then I have to admit you lost me. With all that came before, I was quite eager to find out about what Tammy would do, and even though what you have is fine and could happen (with all the stupid reality shows out there) I for one didn't really care for it. I was waiting for maybe Maggie's signature to already be on the ticket (or Dot's) and Tammy having to provide proof of who she is and she can't do it. Then the rest of them realizing that the ticket had been in the van and was gone (along with Tammy).

As stated, what you have is fine and could really happen (I suppose) but I found myself routing for everyone in the van and wanted them to end up with the jackpot! It just felt a bit rushed, although Tammy finding out that she's "only" winning a million gave me a chuckle.

I also didn't think you needed the reference to "The Usual Suspects" nor did I feel you needed to include Stephen Baldwin. I wasn't quite sure where you were going with that and would have preferred Truce (quite an interesting name by the way) to just realize that he now had the money (and the power that goes with it) to make his dreams come true, but what were his dreams exactly? Were they all he expected or wanted them to be? One aspect with the Baldwin character that I liked was the helicopter; perhaps if you had one following the group as they race to the lottery office (without them realizing it). Yes, I realize you wanted more of a surprise at the end, but maybe it would add just enough suspense to wonder what's going on. But that's up to you. I was going to also comment on the fact that I highly doubted a lottery office would be closed after a huge drawing, but you explain that with the twist you have.

Overall though you have a strong premise here, and I really hope you continue to go forward with this. The "updates" on the characters at the end were a nice touch, and I like that Mimi was up to "three packs a day". You should also go through again, as you do have some misspellings throughout. Whatever you decide, keep going and the best of luck to you! read

YOU HAVE SOME REALLY GREAT CHARACTERS HERE

A review of What Happened To Billy's Balls? (V2)

by CrabbyLady on 08/25/2011

First and foremost: don't you dare lose or change Ronald! I will think ugly, mean thoughts about you if you do. Seriously, he is a wonderful character and very, very real. I enjoyed every moment of him in the SP, and as mentioned, I wouldn't change a thing about him. His relationship with Billy and how he wants to 'man him up' is wonderful, delightful and really fun to read... First and foremost: don't you dare lose or change Ronald! I will think ugly, mean thoughts about you if you do. Seriously, he is a wonderful character and very, very real. I enjoyed every moment of him in the SP, and as mentioned, I wouldn't change a thing about him. His relationship with Billy and how he wants to 'man him up' is wonderful, delightful and really fun to read. I also appreciated the fight they had, and how they "made up". It's what young boys do, and nothing needs to be edited in that sense.

You have a most unusual story and concept here, and frankly I wasn't sure if it was going to work or not. First of all because of the idea itself, and second I wasn't sure if you could pull it off without making the lead character a joke or ridiculous. Kudos to you that he's very real and natural himself, and I found myself rooting for him continually.

Having said all that, I think you still need to work a little with the family characters. Veronica is fine (and what happens to her is nicely done) but Jeb needs to be fleshed out a little. I loved that he helped his brother without realizing that he was (i.e. fixing the overhead light, 'pretending' to use the wrenches and fixing the car) but **SPOILER** his suicide attempt came out of the blue. That was your intent I'm sure and it did surprise me, but it was a little too out of the blue. I saw where you were going with Billy's Dad constantly comparing Jeb to Billy, and your SP pointing out how detached Jeb was from the family but let's see a little more where that bothers JEB more than it bothers Billy or anyone else. That whole family is caught up in their own little worlds, and Jeb's dilemma should bring them closer together.

Having a scene or scenes where Billy suddenly takes over in the hospital might have been a bit much and a bit contrived, but the way you have it now, his speech to the family didn't do it for me. Perhaps (and this is just a suggestion) have him really scream and yell at first, then quietly get through to his Dad and Mom that it can't work like this anymore. That is one mixed up family you have there, and it would take a bit more (in my opinion) than a simple speech to get everything working again. Also, you might want to play up a bit more just how much Billy looks up to Jeb, so that what happens really gets to him and he wants it all to end (the situation with his family, that is). I will say that I had a smile on my face when Jeb complains about "the note" and how long he took to write it, only to have no one notice it. I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help it.

Grandpa wanting to eat his leg came out of the blue as well, but I didn't find that too over the top; I mean, with the family you portray, why not? The ending about Grandpa's BBQ was quite cute by the way. Grandpa was in the SP just enough without over doing it, and provided more reason why Billy was just simply fed up.

As stated, I found that Billy was a good character and I believed his situation. The fact that the whole town/school knows what happened wasn't too hard to believe either; word travels fast and humiliation travels faster. I was waiting for him to be the world class kicker, and what you have instead is wonderful. It comes across (again) as very real and just another aspect of why Billy is fed up. Claire was a tiny stretch (and I do mean tiny) but her reaction to Billy and his 'condition' was quite good, and I loved how you had Billy be the one to approach her afterwards, to let her know it was okay. I liked how 'real' Claire was (albeit a bit dumb) and how the situation resolved itself; it wasn't too cut and dry but we leave feeling good about it. I have to admit that if Billy had his first time with a girl who didn't care it might have stretched credibility. A bit cliched, you know what I mean?

As far as formatting goes, I am by no means an expert, but I think you can do without the exclamation points you have at the beginning (i.e., Page 2: "his shorts get caught!" and "bites Billy's taint"!) On that note, will many readers know what a "taint" is? I did...but just a thought. As far as the formatting, we "get" what's going on, so I don't believe the exclamation points are necessary.

I was expecting to start reading your work, and perhaps finishing it in a day or two. I found I plowed right through this in about an hour. It flowed smoothly, went from scene to scene without difficulty, it was easy to follow, and I found myself wanting to find out what happened.

Aside from tightening up the family relationships a bit, I really have nothing much else to critique. Ronald is just absolutely wonderful and Billy is most convincing. I hope you continue on with this, and the best of luck! read

A LITTLE TOO MUCH GOING ON, BUT I LIKE WHERE YOU'RE HEADED

A review of The Sheriff of Mount Stone

by CrabbyLady on 08/23/2011

You have what I feel is a very interesting premise, and some good moments and good characters. However, it also seemed to me that way too much was going on, and if you streamlined a bit more, it would help in the long run. As mentioned, your premise is quite good with a corrupt sheriff with his hands in just about everything, and a young boy caught up in a situation not of... You have what I feel is a very interesting premise, and some good moments and good characters. However, it also seemed to me that way too much was going on, and if you streamlined a bit more, it would help in the long run.

As mentioned, your premise is quite good with a corrupt sheriff with his hands in just about everything, and a young boy caught up in a situation not of his making. You open very nicely with the theft and then surprising your readers with who, exactly, did the crime. You also do a very nice job with Edith and Burns and the situation that happens between them. It was very well written and you have quite a surprise in the midst of it all.

Then things seemed to get a little out of hand. I do like that you have just about everyone caught up in the race to capture Burns and who is double crossing whom, but get to the point quicker. Burns hiding out in the rain, then bartering for a room and so on is good, however, bring out his situation a little more. Perhaps if he realizes there is more than one (or even two) people on his tail; that would cause the shakes in anyone. Perhaps getting more and more determined to prove his innocence. I wasn't quite sure I bought that he would get so drunk, and then spill his guts to a prostitute, as I wasn't sure he would be that careless. After all, he knows there is a price on his head. It led to him being quite human, but I still didn't quite buy it. And even though you didn't go on too much about it, the "whore with a heart of gold" is a bit cliched. On that note, would he be so careless as to just carelessly reach in his satchel and show off all the money he had? I know he's young, but I just would have liked him to be a little more careful.

Get the bad men moving more as well. The idea that everyone thinks he's going South, only to find out he's not, is fine but even in the Old West the idea of getting hundreds of dollars for a kill would have them eager to find him. It almost seemed as if they were all (almost) taking their time. You could also throw in a tad bit of humor if one shows up, then another, then another, asking the same thing ("have you seen this kid") or all of them showing up almost at once. I understand this is a drama and you don't want it going off in all directions, but that could almost be a fun aspect. After all, what WOULD happen if they all converged at once?

Your scene where Burns walks right into the town to "hide out" with the sheriff who is after him is nicely done. It does add the right amount of suspense and the question of what's going to happen next?

It also seemed that having so many people involved led to a lot - A LOT - of shootouts, and even though it's the Old West, it seemed a bit much. The final one between Kent and Parker was good, especially with the townspeople standing around. It would have been that much better if we hadn't seen so much bloodshed earlier and we're left wondering what's going to happen. I'm not saying people shouldn't die; but maybe if we get an idea of what will happen, rather than actually see it. I like the tension it could cause if you described someone sneaking up on someone, or advancing on someone, or a gun shown pointed at someone.

You do have nice scenes with the digging of the graves when someone (who is usually hiding from the law) comes into town, and that's a nice touch. Perhaps let us see Ramon and Leach a bit more though; they came into town, almost shoot each other, they dug graves and then disappeared. If you just wanted to set up the 'digging' aspect, let us have a scene where Ramon and Leach decide to stay or not; perhaps just decide to lay low and not cause trouble. It seems now that they arrive and then they're gone. It was just a bit too abrupt for me.

I do like where you are headed with this. It starts off small, so to speak, and then grows into a full on "who's going to get him first". Definitely keep your opening scenes, the town where people hide out, and the digging of the graves. Those are quite good and most definitely add to your SP. Focus a bit more on the sheriffs (and there are a few) and who exactly is going after whom.

Your final scene was also a very nice touch and I admit had me laughing a bit. It was sad and shocking and very appropriate. Whatever you decide to do, however, keep going and the best of luck to you! read

TOO ABRUPT BUT EXTREMELY POWERFUL

A review of Heaven Settles

by CrabbyLady on 08/03/2011

Oh you had me with this one in several places. The idea of abused children left to fend for themselves after an extremely selfish act by a desperate mother is heartbreaking and scary at the same time. You do a wonderful job setting up Heaven and her situation. You provide just enough so that readers "get" what is going on in her life, and yet you don't beat the proverbial... Oh you had me with this one in several places. The idea of abused children left to fend for themselves after an extremely selfish act by a desperate mother is heartbreaking and scary at the same time.

You do a wonderful job setting up Heaven and her situation. You provide just enough so that readers "get" what is going on in her life, and yet you don't beat the proverbial dead horse. We do indeed "get" it, and are able to move on with it. It is also quite interesting how the search for the kids goes on and we find out more about THAT than how the kids are fending for themselves. Again, we "get" their situation and are able to focus on the people around them, and what all is being done to save them.

The guilt that goes with having caused a horrific accident and death is nothing that any of us can appreciate or understand unless we have been through it ourselves, and I doubt many (if any) on this site can get that aspect of your work, but I appreciated that you didn't make Emma out to be a saint. She's alcoholic, nasty and full of hate for herself and the situation she has caused. It does not at all excuse what she does or has done, but at least you're not asking us to feel for her. We do in a small sense, but the consequences she leaves for Heaven and Tommy are horrific and we're almost glad what Emma does to herself.

You make Tommy the ultimate brat with the temper tantrums and screaming and I wouldn't have been surprised nor blamed Heaven if she left him behind. Of course, we all know that she won't and what she'll go through with him, but again you didn't dwell too much on it. I don't know, however, that I bought that Tommy would be able to keep up so well walking through the woods, being so young and prone to hissy fits and probably terrified. I would think that trying to make his way through snow and ice and cold and whatnot would produce more than stoicism. I can see you having him finally "grow up" (as much as a five year old can) but it's almost a bit much to ask. I also wasn't sure I bought Oscar; that seemed a little out of place (the dog popping up) as was the fact that it would suddenly bond with the children. It was an interesting touch, but I think you could do without him. Heaven "taming the beast" with the raising of one hand was also a bit much for me. Also, I'm not sure you need the scene where Celeste is almost raped. It seemed to come out of nowhere, which may have been your intention, but I think you can do without it. The bonding that Will feels with this woman, who simply wants to help, can be enough.

You have a number of little moments that work very well, such as Heaven really not responding to the bullying she's receiving, Emma sternly telling the children that she asks the questions, Heaven making up her mind to get her mother's coat, and Heaven finally finding her "voice". Very nice moments.

You also have a little too much description at times that, even though we can see what your intention is, borders a bit on the corny (i.e., Page 39: "knows what family is really all about). I'll speak for myself, but this pulled me out of reading for a bit. Just the fact that Heaven and Tommy have to and need to rely on each other is enough.

The other really big critique I have is that it seemed this all ended a bit abruptly, but for the life of me, I couldn't give you advice on how to make it better or "work" more. It just seemed to wrap up a bit too easily with Will and Celeste (although her turning out to be the psychic was a nice touch) and Dana and Will healing from the wife/mother's death. It could happen like that, but I found it a bit too easy and fast. I will admit, though, I had a tiny lump upon your description of Heaven and Tommy reaching for each other.

Overall though, you have a very moving story here, with a wonderfully written main character and her finding out (albeit in a horrific way) what strength and determination she has. Keep going with this and the best of luck to you! read

INTERESTING IDEA...

A review of Grown Up Scavenger Hunt

by CrabbyLady on 08/02/2011

I'm not sure that it really goes anywhere though. Your idea is quite good, however; the idea of doing a scavenger hunt as an adult that you yourself put together when you were young is very intriguing. What was important back then; what could you live with and what would you absolutely DIE without? All the ingredients of a really good story is here, but it didn't quite work... I'm not sure that it really goes anywhere though. Your idea is quite good, however; the idea of doing a scavenger hunt as an adult that you yourself put together when you were young is very intriguing. What was important back then; what could you live with and what would you absolutely DIE without?

All the ingredients of a really good story is here, but it didn't quite work for me. I did like Cade and could appreciate his frustration of being a failed writer, and nothing quite working out the way he planned it. But does he have the guts to start over? I would have thought that returning to his old turf and hooking up with old friends and seeing what was what back then would be more than it was. Perhaps frustration of having to explain why he was back over and over to every person who asks. Or perhaps people remember WHY he moved to New York and they are surprised he's back...

I felt that Cade's relationship with Jenna was put a little too much into the background. How did she feel about moving back? It's obvious that she's working hard and a bit frustrated herself, but I needed more of why. The relationship she and Cade have with her parents was quite good and I'm glad it wasn't the cliched "you don't deserve her" so that was a very nice touch.

Claire and T.J. needed to be brought out more as well. I did like the scene where Cade finds T.J. with the stoned out sitters in the diner, but I would have liked more scenes like that. You bring it in, and then it disappears. Claire obviously is not a good mother, and yet not much is made of it. If Cade truly wants children, he should see not only how much effort they are, but how much joy they can bring and most importantly the responsibility. His joking with T.J. (talking about him like he's not there) is quite good.

You have a nice moment also with Cade looking up his "Book" on his computer, only to have it empty. But why is it empty? Is it because he's empty, or he's just not as good as he had hoped? Mose has a very nice line where he tells Cade that he'd make a good writer because of all the problems he has. So why can't Cade write?

Speaking of Mose, he was an interesting character, and he needs to be fleshed out a little more as well. People who used to be such good friends, then had a falling out, then hook up again should have a bit more drama. I did appreciate the fact that they "pretend" at first with each other ("so glad to see you" and all that) but if both remember that they had a pretty nasty falling out (even if they can't remember the details) there would be some hesitation, even if they are both trying to be "adult" about it. The scavenger hunt between them is really nice and I would loved to have seen more of it. The details you have (climbing the tower, and the beams to the banners) are really very good but I would have liked to have seen them really struggle, and curse themselves out for being 12 at one time (when climbing such things was a breeze). The ending of the hunt, with the "prize" was really good and I wouldn't have changed that (oh, what's SO important to young boys). But perhaps have Cade and Mose open it together. I think I saw where you were going, but after all that effort, it would have been nice if we could see both reactions. You have, though, an extremely funny bit with Chester and the two in the gym; I laughed out loud at that image.

It seems as though everything wraps a bit too comfortably at the end, but I did like the "fake" discussion between Mose and Cade at the end - I really liked the way they interacted. It seemed very real and natural.

Your formatting seemed fine, but I noticed a few spelling and grammatical errors (and if you already know of these, please ignore):

Page 8: "The MS. BROWN, the principal..." s/b "Then"

Pages 22-23: Capitalize "Facebook"

Page 65: Jenna: "If you such a writer..." s/b "you're"

Page 78: "Pulls is out..." s/b "it"

A very interesting story is here. I really loved the idea of adults going on a scavenger hunt that was planned when they were children. I just felt a bit more nostalgia was needed; what did we want back then and if we didn't get it (or get it as we planned)...do we have the guts to try again and start over? Definitely keep going with this and the best of luck to you! read

THIS NEEDS A LOT MORE WORK

A review of WORLD ACROSS THE FENCE

by CrabbyLady on 07/27/2011

Anyone attempting to write a musical has my full attention, as the difficulty level must be astronomical, and I can't imagine keeping everything (characters, plot line, plus inserting musical numbers) in order and in a structured state that everyone can follow. The premise here is interesting with a little bit of "West Side Story" floating through telling the story of guards,... Anyone attempting to write a musical has my full attention, as the difficulty level must be astronomical, and I can't imagine keeping everything (characters, plot line, plus inserting musical numbers) in order and in a structured state that everyone can follow.

The premise here is interesting with a little bit of "West Side Story" floating through telling the story of guards, their captives, and what happens when they start to fall in love. Brutal and raw at times, it could and should hold a lot more attention for readers than it actually does.

The main part of the problem, and you'll undoubtedly hear this quite often, is the formatting. I'm guilty of that myself (I was too anxious to post my work to see if it "flew") and bad formatting, plus a good number of spelling and grammatical errors makes this rather difficult to read and get through, and just pulls the reader "out" of the SP. If you don't already know of these, definitely look into getting "Final Draft" (which will automatically format as you type), as well as "The Screenwriter's Bible" by David Trottier. Once you have all of the details of formatting worked out, future reviewers will be able to concentrate on the story and characters, etc.

Speaking of which, you do have a unique premise here and it can work. The fact that it takes place in the future where war abounds and guards are trying to keep control not only of their captives, but themselves as well, is different. Forbidden love, unexpected love, torture, needless killing abound throughout and I have to admit I was taken aback at times as I was not expecting what was happening.

I don't know all of the songs listed in the work, so I wasn't sure what I was reading and couldn't "hear" the tune in my head, but the lyrics certainly work (especially "Don't Dream It's Over"). Note: the Bette Midler song mentioned is "The Rose" (I have no doubt many are going to point that out as well) so make sure proper credit is given.

The image of the lipstick going back and forth between characters is quite good, and it works because I think the majority of people in the world have "something" they hang onto (a toy from childhood, a favorite T-shirt, etc.) that reminds them of someone and/or something that always brings back a lovely memory, even though it may be tinged with sadness.

The love affair (if you can call it that) between David and Tony was interesting, and Tony's constantly asking if he is deserving of love comes THIS CLOSE to being annoying, but the character is desperate to be told he's "someone" and "useful" and "worthy" so it works. The fact that he's tortured for being who he is, and constantly NOT reassured by David is very touching as well.

I would strongly urge you to keep going with this, as musicals have waned throughout the past years, and a good one with a strong premise could really work; especially if the tunes are "recognizable" and the audience can sing along to them. Visually that would work as well, because you do fit the songs perfectly (lyric wise) to what you are bringing to life on screen.

First and foremost, fix the formatting. Hopefully future reviewers on this site will be able to look past it, but I guarantee a lot them probably won't. Once "cleaned up", as mentioned, future reviewers will be able to concentrate more on the story and plot and characters and hopefully will be able to "see" and appreciate what you're trying to bring forth, and be able to critique it much better so that you are able to make this the best work possible.

Keep going and the best of luck to you! read

THIS WOULD MAKE A GREAT PLAY

A review of Tobacco & Boys

by CrabbyLady on 07/25/2011

I'm not so sure about a screenplay, but definitely a play. I could just see all the actors coming and going and doing this and that. Now I am not an expert on Shakespeare, and I will freely admit that at first I was going to delete this as an assignment because I'm not one, nor do I frequently read Shakespeare, and have never really done any of his works, and thought I would... I'm not so sure about a screenplay, but definitely a play. I could just see all the actors coming and going and doing this and that. Now I am not an expert on Shakespeare, and I will freely admit that at first I was going to delete this as an assignment because I'm not one, nor do I frequently read Shakespeare, and have never really done any of his works, and thought I would just be bored or lost or both. But I've learned that on this site (or any site for that matter), take on what you fear and you just may learn something. I'm not quite sure, though, what I've learned from this.

I did find myself a bit lost at times, and I was not sure who was who and what they were doing, but it's an intriguing premise. You have some wonderful dialogue (i.e., Page 112: ALLEYN: "But there’s a love scene" KIT: "True" ALLEYN: "With a man!" KIT: "A pretty one") and as stated that idea that a playwright (one of the greatest before he became great) could be so unsure of himself that he conjures up the image of one he is constantly compared to is quite unique. This went on, however, for quite a long time, and while I did not necessarily lose interest, I wondered exactly when it was going to end and how.

I am one that had and has to reread portions of this type of language and syntax to be sure I'm "getting" what is said, and even then I'm not sure I get it all. It wasn't too difficult to follow but the characters coming in and out were a bit much. That could just be me, but I admit I found myself asking "now who is THIS?" every time a new one popped up.

I also must admit that I thought that what I would read would be different from the description in your synopsis. I had this image of Shakespeare being frustrated and ready to pack it all in (i.e, if he hears about Marley one..more..time..) and Marley popping up to console him and advise him. I was a bit taken aback with all the biography going on, even though I applaud you for all the research you have obviously done, and the detail you put forth.

I have no doubt that true Shakespeare fans will enjoy this immensely, but I would consider doing it as a play as well. The idea (and the image) of eight actors coming in and out as different characters is quite appealing (and that's part of the fun of the stage). I'm not quite sure how this would translate to the big screen, but that is up to you. I would also suggest perhaps cutting it back a bit. Although it wasn't a difficult read, per se, it does run 150 pages and that alone might turn people off.

As for formatting, I liked the type you used. That might sound completely ridiculous, but it was easy on the eyes and I was able to read more quickly. You do have several moments throughout where quotation marks are missing, as well as periods at the ends of sentences (i.e, Page 16: "Johnson crosses himself"; Page 17: Sander: "It was just a dream"; Page 21: "Will collapses to his knees" and so on). These did not "pull me out" of reading your work, but they are a little pronounced, and correcting these will just make your SP that much more professional looking and sharp. Also, check out Page 11. As stated, I'm not at ease or familiar with "Shakespeare talk" but you have "..froma lions gut.." Should "froma" be two words?

Definitely an intriguing premise and that's always a great start. Whatever you decide, keep going and best of luck to you! read

I'M NOT SURE WHERE YOU'RE GOING WITH THIS

A review of The PRODIGAL

by CrabbyLady on 07/22/2011

The concept of a movie star who has seen better days (both physically and professionally) has been done many times before, so an extra "something" has to be added to any new works to make it/them stand out from the rest. And this SP I feel can do that, but first you'd have to decide where you're going with it. I did like the idea of the aging star now resorting to "supporting"... The concept of a movie star who has seen better days (both physically and professionally) has been done many times before, so an extra "something" has to be added to any new works to make it/them stand out from the rest. And this SP I feel can do that, but first you'd have to decide where you're going with it.

I did like the idea of the aging star now resorting to "supporting" roles (and an American Indian at that!) and yet will still stand his ground if he feels the scenes aren't to his liking. The fact that he's put with a snotty director best known for his special effects is a good angle.

The work seemed all jumbled up though, with this angle and then that angle coming from all sides and I was a bit confused as to what and where this was headed. That's not to say that all the angles have to be removed; just focus on why they are there and how they can "work" into the SP.

The first one that comes to mind is Cody vs. Sonny. You have a nice opening scene with Cody watching his Oscar winning work over and over. I could definitely picture that, and then he has his battles with Sonny. However, the scene where you have Sonny and the other actor say their lines is too long. There's no need for that (even though it does show how corny the dialogue is for the movie they're shooting). It actually was more interesting when Sonny falls, hurts the other actor, and catches fire. Then the fight that comes when Sonny stands up for himself. We needed more of that. You bring out Cody nicely, and the (literal) push and shove between him and Sonny, and then he's almost forgotten when you focus more on Sonny.

Also, the son, Robbie. It's not a bad idea to have the child included (in this case a son who is going to law school) in the work, but do more with him. He's conflicted over the treatment (or supposed treatment) of his grandfather. Why? Is he close to the grandfather? If so, let's see scenes or flashbacks to a better time and show that closeness, or whatever reason there is for why Robbie is so angry and hurt that he blames his father. And what is it with the father that he won't even come to visit his son in Hollywood? Could he see or anticipate the trouble that Sonny can and does get into? How does Robbie deal with a famous father?

The inclusion of Melissa isn't a bad idea in that what movie star doesn't have girls at his command? But then he pays much more attention to her than we see a reason for. What nerve does she touch? Why is he so drawn to her?

The death of Sonny's mother and the accident that befalls Melissa are good ideas, but again they're thrown in and then really go nowhere. I would think anyone losing their mother would be thrown for a loop, but I really don't and didn't see it with Sonny. Melissa possibly being scarred for life is a great angle; I definitely wouldn't lose that as Sonny could relate because he's scarred in a different way.

I had to smile at the thought that Sonny is getting another "shot" by doing Broadway. It may seem like a cliche to others, but believe me everyone in the "biz" does think what Sonny himself things: "He's so washed up he's resorting to Broadway for God's sake". Again, another great angle that doesn't gel out. Maybe show us some rehearsals or readings where Sonny begins to see where he COULD do this role and do it really great, so the confidence starts to build and he gets the "bug" back again. A sort of "I'll show all of you" type of thing.

You have little bits here and there also that are quite good, such as when Sonny is told that he had the balls to make it as a star, and yet can't face his dad and definitely when the waitress accepts the signed photo for her mother, because "she'll remember you". Very nice.

This could all just be me, of course, but I feel if you focus everything more on a single component such as: "a star is down but not necessarily out and circumstances force him to face all aspects of his life". What does Sonny want, and more importantly, what does he NOT want?

And if you're going to include Cody, then include him. Is he perhaps scared because he can see (or fears) that he'll become like Sonny? It could be interesting to see how both their lives (personal and professional) could coincide.

As far as formatting goes, I have been told - repeatedly - on this site that camera directions of all kinds are not necessary nor "appreciated" in a script. (If you've already been told this, please ignore). Trust me - you're going to hear about it, so perhaps you may want to think about removing them. Also, there are numerous spelling and grammatical errors throughout that cut into the reading of your work. I wasn't necessarily "pulled out" of reading, but they are pronounced (i.e., Page 1: FADEIN - should be two words; Page 3: CODY: "..you remember It..." - no need to capitalize "it"; Page 3: "...thanks, Jack" There's an extra space b/t 'thanks' and the comma) and so on.

As stated, this work has some really nice moments. I would just suggest focusing more and determining who is the main subject of your work. But whatever you decide to do, keep going and the best of luck to you! read

IT STARTS OFF WELL AND THEN....

A review of Premature (rewrite)

by CrabbyLady on 07/21/2011

I wasn't really sure what I was getting into with this, but I will admit you do have some fine moments, and the dialogue really kept me hooked. It's been quite awhile since I was a teenager, but I actually could "hear" the lines coming out of the character's mouths and believe that (some) teenagers would actually say them. However, I felt it ended too abruptly, and I have to... I wasn't really sure what I was getting into with this, but I will admit you do have some fine moments, and the dialogue really kept me hooked. It's been quite awhile since I was a teenager, but I actually could "hear" the lines coming out of the character's mouths and believe that (some) teenagers would actually say them. However, I felt it ended too abruptly, and I have to admit that even though I don't consider myself a prude, it was a bit much for me.

I did like the friendship between Will and Jamie, and I could relate (as almost anyone can) that they wanted to be "those guys": the cool ones that are remembered and looked up to and appreciated. Who doesn't/didn't want that? The moments between Will and Andrea were also quite good (especially with the one boob incident), and I liked the hint of the shyness that came up between them. Her idea of a "code word" to get Will's attention was right on; what teen-aged, horny young man wouldn't respond?

The search for the briefcase was good, and I laughed out loud at the scene where they blow their chance to not be arrested, with the Segway cop and his antics. Very nicely done.

I would have liked, however, more emphasis on Will's idea, why it's not a "shim" and why it's so important (at the beginning, anyway). Emphasize more of what you're going for with that: is it that he feels it will make him one of "those guys", does he truly believe it's a good product, or that it will make him different from all the other graduates of the school or all the above? You have the characters mention quite often how important this is for Will, how desperate he is to get the briefcase back, how Will goes after Chuck to pitch his idea (twice) but I didn't "get" why that was. Also, if you do decide it's for a not too important reason, then Will's reaction at graduation will make more sense. (I personally do not know of anyone who would just let their idea get stolen without getting a little pissed off or shocked).

You have some fine moments such as the chase for the briefcase, T-Bone making cookies ("WILL: And I think that T-Bone is making cookies. I don’t know why"), Andrea and Will finally talking (as only teenagers do), the "bonding" (such as it is) with Will and Jamie, and T-Bone telling them repeatedly not to talk to him at school. Also nicely done was "the" party that Will throws that brings everyone over (with the throwing of the keys and everyone waking up outside).

On that last note, though, bring Jabee into it more. Will and he bonded nicely over the music (another good scene was the rapping one at the house) and then...nothing seemed to happen. Yes, that can happen in "real life", but I found myself missing what could be, so to speak. All of the liquor during the evening caused Will to loosen up more than a bit, and this is one aspect that shouldn't be lost because of that. Let Will see that Jabee likes "him", and not just because he drank or threw a party.

The ending, as I said, was a bit much. I think I see where you're going, but I feel there's just no need for it. You have the kids do "teenage" things throughout, and I have no doubt this is a juvenile act as well, but I didn't feel it necessary. Now I can't say that I have a better idea (or any idea for that matter) on how to make it better, but you lost me at that point. Maybe Will takes over the stage (as he did earlier in the SP) and he and Jabee have a rap fest and everyone joins in. Just a thought.

This was a very quick read, and I got through it very easily. The dialogue, as stated, was real to me and I had no trouble following it, the situations weren't SO unrealistic as to pull one out of reading, and for the most part the characters were realistic and believable. I did notice a few spelling and grammatical errors (and if you already know of these, then please ignore):

Page 1: "belongs to, WILL..." Remove the comma.
Page 4: Student Anchor: "..right her on AHS..." s/b "here"
Page 45: Will: "It isn't their's..." s/b "theirs"
Page 45: "Will is shock staring..." Insert "in" after "is"
Page 54: "But! His Segway..." No need for the exclamation point.

Whatever you decide to do though, you have a nice idea here and definitely keep the characters. Keep going and the best of luck to you! read

TriggerStreet

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