creekside

Not Bad

A review of Exit Strategies

by creekside on 02/28/2011

I stumbled across this old assignment and decided to read it anyway. Nothing magical about the storyline. Most of the characters are under 40, good looking, the new standard I suppose. I was confused as to who was the antogonist. It was also unclear as to who was the protagonist. The writer does his best to clear this up at the end but in this action genre I would have preferred... read

A few Good Laughs

A review of The Two-Headed Detective(s) V4

by creekside on 12/01/2007

This work is very clever and very funny. Having said that, this is a one-trick pony in the view of this reviewer. Nothing new about the story line. Nothing new about the characters, save one. The villain is a cliché. His henchmen are knuckleheads in suits. Aren’t they all? The writer has talent because we see glimpses in some of the sight-gags. The brothers fighting... read

Higher Plains Review

A review of Higher Plains

by creekside on 11/27/2005

Higher plains. A clever story with potential. I like Jay as the buddy. This is very creative. Doug and even Peter are fairly well drawn, but Sheila needs work. She ends up where she started. Once Viv comes into the picture Peter disappears. Is he still in a relationship with Sheila once she gets a job at the hospital? The transition from Sheila the volunteer to Sheila... Higher plains.

A clever story with potential. I like Jay as the buddy. This is very creative. Doug and even Peter are fairly well drawn, but Sheila needs work. She ends up where she started. Once Viv comes into the picture Peter disappears. Is he still in a relationship with Sheila once she gets a job at the hospital? The transition from Sheila the volunteer to Sheila the administrator needs major work. Doug starts smoking pot. He tells his friend to date his girl. She says okay and then we transition to her running a hospital? She was only a teenager. Even if many months or even a whole year passed it is not likely that she would have that level of responsibility. She directs staff!

The plot line with Inga was good until the end. Bea would not be that sloppy with the morphine key. Why lock it if you then set it down right next to it? Perhaps Bea reaches into her pocket and finds only a hole and no key. She rushes back and?

Doctor Peterson is a one man wonder. He does everything the Sheila does not do. Add hospital staff to make this more believable.

I do like the shaman subplot. It could come earlier and be a bigger part of the story.

As we come to act 3 the story line with Vivâ€™s mother needs to be reconsidered. Having just learned about living perhaps she finds her mother burglarizing the house and they fight and struggle out into traffic or something. Gives more options for story development.

The quality of the dialog is spotty. All this means is that the writer has skills and should work to bring the weaker parts up to match her best writing. One other weakness, and this will be difficult to address from a stoy line point of view is that Jay wouldnâ€™t be allowed in a hospital. Too many health and safety issues.

Sluglines need work. They are there to guide the reader's understanding of three things about a scene. Is it an interior or exterior? Location. Where does it happen? And time of day. Day or Night. It should change when the scene changes. I had no idea if any given scene was during the day or night. Almost all scenes are later so using that as much as the writer does offer little useful information. Opening scene is identified as happening during the afternoon. The next several scenes are labeled as later. By the time Doug is on the operating table it must be night. Reread books on format. That will help.

This is worth a few rewrites. Good luck. read

Review

A review of The Prince Of Miraval

by creekside on 11/26/2005

Pleasant enough, but totally predictable. The moment that Michelle was introduced and we learn that John is headed to the island it is clear that they will be together in the end. This is not a bad thing. It is the formula for a romantic comedy. The problem is this is not a romantic comedy. John really has no challenge or goal other than to learn about his father. He... Pleasant enough, but totally predictable. The moment that Michelle was introduced and we learn that John is headed to the island it is clear that they will be together in the end. This is not a bad thing. It is the formula for a romantic comedy. The problem is this is not a romantic comedy.

John really has no challenge or goal other than to learn about his father. He has nothing to lose either. He is rich, good looking and , did I say rich already? The supporting cast consists of the regulars. In this case the schoolmarm and barmaid with the heart of gold have been rolled into one

Structurally not much happens. The flashbacks with Roberto and Anna are made too much parallel to what john does. You might consider foreshadowing the construction site so that when the ruins show up it makes more sense. Perhaps when John and Ajay first fly over the island we see the shadow of broken and overgrown foundations. Inhabitants should drop hints at the bad old days. Perhaps not all liked Roberto and now John wants to know why?

It is not clear how the people survive. They drink a lot but how does anyone pay or anything? The islanders need to export something. It doesnâ€™t have to be much, just something.

The dialog is too stiff and on the money. The writer tends to sit people down and explain the story line. Some things come too easily for John and there is little conflict. What if he goes through the drawers in his room and finds the photos? Michelle can scold him and take the album. Now he has to sneak into her room to retrieve it. That sets up a second conflict. She gets the towns people on her side and they want him to leave or whatever. Put some barriers in his way.

The story is a little full in places and thin in others and the time frame thing bounces us around unnecessarily . Consider starting this screenplay at page 5 or 6. There are several scenes that are filler. They donâ€™t move the story forward and set up nothing in the plotline. The restroom scene with the bloody nose. What if John is making a comment about Caseyâ€™s coffee stain and turns around just to get splattered with something himself. He goes to George to see if he has a clean shirt. Donâ€™t introduce Darren in the opening scene around Louisâ€™ funeral. What if we first see him in Kathleenâ€™s arms. Surprise us. Add some conflict and a twists. Lastly, explaining everything as an ending does not work for me. What if Johnâ€™s mother confronts George? What if Casey stops the wedding because she knows of Darrenâ€™s affair with the bride? Get the reader fully invested in a knockdown drag out fight as accusations are thrown back and forth and all hell breaks loose.

Good luck. read

Review

A review of UP JUMPED THE DEVIL

by creekside on 09/16/2005

Clearly the writer had something unusual in mind when this was written. It appears that taking the story in circles is one of the agendas. That was accomplished, but the cost is high. The story never gets going. It repeats every few pages. Long scenes tied together with other long scenes. Denver sits with Ezra in a car. They drink booze. Tell a story about the past... read

Good Beginning

A review of "The Clone" (revised)

by creekside on 08/17/2005

A good premise with a long way to go. The reverses would work better if the set ups were stronger. Tom is a clone. Why is he happy to be a clone and suffer giving up body parts? The scene in the clone school really did not answer this question for me. Once Tom is out and about he does things without motivation. Why does he seek out food without Peter? How does he know... read

Blue Glass Review

A review of Blue Glass

by creekside on 06/15/2005

An action/adventure story consistent with the genre. Lots of things blow up. Lots of blood and gore. Young and good looking characters abound. Front to back, non of the characters change. Also consistent with the genre is the notion that none of the characters has a family or much of a background. We get their professional info in the beginning, but what do they want... read

Speak The Word Review

A review of Speak the Word

by creekside on 06/14/2005

A story worth telling. The big challenge is for the writer to create strong subplots and continuity of the story line. Both are lacking. Susan is sent to South Africa so that she is not available to be a witness in a murder case. Why set up that story line and then abandon it? Bonnie befriends Susan only long enough for Susan to meet Hans who gets her involved with the... read

Different

A review of The Mandaean Heresy

by creekside on 05/10/2005

This piece is a hybrid of many genres. Roslyn and Simon romp around France and Switzerland with the bad guys close behind all the way. The cross gender buddy relationship is a little odd, but it was refreshing. We don't know what Simon wants until slose to the end. Consider setting out the issue with his father more clearly and give him a bigger thing to lose. Right now... read

Misinformation

A review of MISINFORMATION

by creekside on 04/05/2005

The writer clearly has chops. Many of the bits of dialog are very well done. Overall the piece is spotty in its flow and message. It starts off like Airplane or any number of rapid fire comedies. Like those that came before, some will find it full of humor others will not. Guy starts off with potential, but then fall prey to being the hapless victim. Everything happens... read

TriggerStreet

Member Participation Level:

Recent Activity

FANS

Bio

Submissions by creekside

Reviews by creekside 123

Comments About creekside 4

Agent Cooper on 03/04/2011

Susan P. on 01/15/2010

jamster on 10/28/2009

Write a Comment