a screenplay
by cswood
What wouldn't you do for $10 million dollars?
cswood
member since 11/11/2002 |
last login 05/21/2013
Don't try to cash in love. That check will always bounce....
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Don't try to cash in love. That check will always bounce.
Submissions by cswood
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a screenplay by cswoodA contract killer has to murder her past in order to save her future.
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Reviews by cswood 175
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A review of The True Evilby cswood on 03/14/2012Nitpicky, on Pg 1 “Fade In” should be at the top of the page above your first slugline/scene header. Also, referencing shots is something you want to avoid. Tell us only what we need to visualize the story. And using parenthicals to tell the potential actors stage directions is also frowned upon. And having characters tell the audience exactly what they are thinking is also... Nitpicky, on Pg 1 “Fade In” should be at the top of the page above your first slugline/scene header.
Also, referencing shots is something you want to avoid. Tell us only what we need to visualize the story. And using parenthicals to tell the potential actors stage directions is also frowned upon. And having characters tell the audience exactly what they are thinking is also bad. And this is just Page 1. This is all stuff that screams amateur.
The relationship between Megan and James seems very been-there-done-that with her being a rookie who has just “been on the force for a few months” (if that were true why is she investigating murders already?). It might play better if James and Megan have been partners for years and act more like a brother and sister.
I’m at page 40 and there is a whole lot of talking and not much action. I know this is sort of a necessary evil with procedurals, but assuming you’re not trying to make the identity of the killer a big secret it might be worth seeing him (even if he’s in the shadows) stalking his next victim or just introducing the audience to the next victim so we actually care about her when she gets abducted or dies. Or maybe kick off Act 2 with the killer trying to abduct Jennifer and James chases him or they get into a fight, just something to break the monotony.
Speaking of which, having the girls talk about the abductions in flashback kills the tension. We should really see them happening in real-time. And the reading of the letters in their entirety seems like a poor use of space. Just have a few lines read, the important stuff, and ditch the rest. I don’t know if you’re going after a “Se7en” kind of feel, but in that film John Doe had rooms full of notebooks and the movie only reads a short passage out of one and that’s it. Try to mimic that.
In Pg 63 after hearing about Marissa James says “I’m sorry, that’s disturbing, but who cares?” yeah, pretty insensitive for a main character and even worse for a homicide detective.
Your finale is way too talky. Oliver just goes on and on and on and it just feels anticlimactic. I understand the need to “go dark” with horror these days and I’m not saying you need a happy ending, but this one leaves me feeling unsatisfied. If I had to compare this to something, I’d say it should be more like “Taken” where it’s about James trying to rescue Jennifer from Oliver, or Jennifer attempting to kill herself and ending up seriously hurt or in a coma or something and James going after Oliver. That’s something you can put in a trailer or on a poster.
This seems like a script from a writer who hasn’t written that many scripts yet, but although this script has problems it’s not the worst and it is salvageable with enough hard work.
If you’re really serious about this screenwriting thing I strongly recommend buying a copy of “Your Screenplay Sucks” by William Akers. It’s the best book I’ve read that lets you know how to improve your script. Trust me. It will be the best $15 bucks you’ve ever spent.
Until then, I would say you need to work on your structure because there’s too much talking and not enough action. Imagine the trailer to this script. What are the big scenes that would make someone want to pay to see this? Because I honestly don’t think you have any at this point. But please don’t let my comments discourage you. 90% of screenwriting is rewriting. Learn it. Love it.
I hope my comments will be helpful. Good luck on the next draft. read -
A review of Ah-Haby cswood on 01/22/2012So I’m 20 pages in. You’ve got a nice style in your dialog, but there’s just too much of it. All the really good parts are drowned by all the excess filler. I’m 20 pages in and the plot has barely moved an inch, it’s just lots and lots of talking without much action. I get you’re trying to be funny and slick and tarantinoesque but it doesn’t amount to much without action. Talk... So I’m 20 pages in. You’ve got a nice style in your dialog, but there’s just too much of it. All the really good parts are drowned by all the excess filler. I’m 20 pages in and the plot has barely moved an inch, it’s just lots and lots of talking without much action. I get you’re trying to be funny and slick and tarantinoesque but it doesn’t amount to much without action. Talk is cheap for a reason.
We finally get some action on Pg 31 with the robbery, but then it’s over way too fast and the cops spend well over 20 pages interrogating Profit/Omar. The robbery and the subsequent robbing of the robbers could have been a great source of comedy had it been drawn out and allowed to play, but you skip right over it and instead waste pages and pages of talking on the interrogation scenes.
My favorite thing about most heist movies is the planning. The criminals say ”this is what we’re going/have to do and this is how it’s supposed to go down” and then everything goes to shit. Your story does not have a setup like that and suffers for it.
I also think the story suffers largely from having the police involved so soon. The conflict should be between Profit and the people that robbed him and the police should only be a looming threat. I know this is meant to be a comedy, and although you have some snappy dialog, it doesn’t make up for the poor structure. You have some funny lines but the situations the characters find themselves in are increasingly not funny.
If you look at some of Tarantino’s movies or even a movie like The Hangover, what makes them funny is that a sense of danger is always present (be it guys with guns or Mike Tyson or a meat-eating tiger in the bathroom). If Profit and Omar were debating race relations while people were shooting at them or pointing guns at them (throughout) it would be much funnier, but aside from the robbery and the finale there are no guns or real sense of danger to punctuate the snappy lines.
I’m also not crazy about the main character’s first name. It seems too gimmicky and it’s hard to take him seriously (I do like the name “Macaroni Tony” though). And the title isn't that catchy either. If you're keeping the main character's first name, I suggest "Profit's Motive".
My biggest advice would be to down on the dialog and bump up the forward motion of the story. Balance your action and dialog. I hope my comments will be helpful. read -
A review of A Tru Fairytaleby cswood on 10/07/2011At 104 pages, it’s a little over long for me, especially since you tend to direct from the page and overwrite in many places. You need to find things to cut to get this closer to 95 pages. Narrator’s blowup on pg 3 is a bit much and too self-aware. You’ve got a cute beginning, don’t spoil it. In fact, although I see where you’re going and the Narrator does make up much of... At 104 pages, it’s a little over long for me, especially since you tend to direct from the page and overwrite in many places. You need to find things to cut to get this closer to 95 pages.
Narrator’s blowup on pg 3 is a bit much and too self-aware. You’ve got a cute beginning, don’t spoil it. In fact, although I see where you’re going and the Narrator does make up much of the verbal comedy, you overuse him way too much, especially for exposition. It felt very intrusive in more than a few places. Don’t rely so much on him. Go back and find instances where he’s retelling us information and start cutting anything you can that won’t hurt our understanding of the story.
I see you went there on pg 7 insinuating one of the dead frog used to be a person. That’s pretty dark. And yet, hilarious.
A better line on the bottom of pg 8 after we see the troll eat someone might be “well… you get the idea.” instead of telling us he eats them (since we just saw it eat someone).
You may want to alternate word usage in some areas, like using quizzical two pages in a row (on 10 and 11).
The witches names aren’t distinctive enough for me. You might want to go with something more visual like “fat witch, skinny witch, tall witch” you know, something that will paint a picture in our minds.
“Is it a combination lock? Those won’t be invented for centuries!” I liked that one.
Should be “card shark” on pg 31.
“Did you eat Hansel?” Another nice line.
Having read through to the end, overall it’s good. Structure, story and character are all pretty solid. You’ve obviously put a lot of thought and work into this to make all the pieces fit and it shows.
My only real problem has more to do with the physical writing and your penchant for overdoing it sometimes. You will mention something in your action lines then either repeat it in a parenthical or have the character repeat it. There are some short clean action lines, and then there are long bulky lines that could be trimmed or spaced out. You need to go over each line and lose what you don’t need. It slows down an otherwise fast read.
And maybe it’s just me but your dialog margins seem to be far too wide. I think animated scripts have a slightly different format than film scripts so that could be what it is, but otherwise it looked off to me.
So overall I’d rate the script good across the board. Oh, the only other thing that might be a problem is the fact a “frog princess” movie and a “Rapunzel” movie just came out recently, but I would guess by the time this was optioned and made no one will be thinking of those other films so maybe it’s not such a problem.
I hope my comments will be helpful. Good luck on the next draft. read
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Submissions by cswood
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a screenplay by cswood
What wouldn't you do for $10 million dollars?
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a screenplay by cswood
A contract killer has to murder her past in order to save her future.
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a screenplay by cswoodGenres: horror, mystery/suspenseA young girl fears sleep when a ghost haunts her dreams.
Reviews by cswood 175
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A review of The True Evilby cswood on 03/14/2012Nitpicky, on Pg 1 “Fade In” should be at the top of the page above your first slugline/scene header. Also, referencing shots is something you want to avoid. Tell us only what we need to visualize the story. And using parenthicals to tell the potential actors stage directions is also frowned upon. And having characters tell the audience exactly what they are thinking is also... Nitpicky, on Pg 1 “Fade In” should be at the top of the page above your first slugline/scene header.
Also, referencing shots is something you want to avoid. Tell us only what we need to visualize the story. And using parenthicals to tell the potential actors stage directions is also frowned upon. And having characters tell the audience exactly what they are thinking is also bad. And this is just Page 1. This is all stuff that screams amateur.
The relationship between Megan and James seems very been-there-done-that with her being a rookie who has just “been on the force for a few months” (if that were true why is she investigating murders already?). It might play better if James and Megan have been partners for years and act more like a brother and sister.
I’m at page 40 and there is a whole lot of talking and not much action. I know this is sort of a necessary evil with procedurals, but assuming you’re not trying to make the identity of the killer a big secret it might be worth seeing him (even if he’s in the shadows) stalking his next victim or just introducing the audience to the next victim so we actually care about her when she gets abducted or dies. Or maybe kick off Act 2 with the killer trying to abduct Jennifer and James chases him or they get into a fight, just something to break the monotony.
Speaking of which, having the girls talk about the abductions in flashback kills the tension. We should really see them happening in real-time. And the reading of the letters in their entirety seems like a poor use of space. Just have a few lines read, the important stuff, and ditch the rest. I don’t know if you’re going after a “Se7en” kind of feel, but in that film John Doe had rooms full of notebooks and the movie only reads a short passage out of one and that’s it. Try to mimic that.
In Pg 63 after hearing about Marissa James says “I’m sorry, that’s disturbing, but who cares?” yeah, pretty insensitive for a main character and even worse for a homicide detective.
Your finale is way too talky. Oliver just goes on and on and on and it just feels anticlimactic. I understand the need to “go dark” with horror these days and I’m not saying you need a happy ending, but this one leaves me feeling unsatisfied. If I had to compare this to something, I’d say it should be more like “Taken” where it’s about James trying to rescue Jennifer from Oliver, or Jennifer attempting to kill herself and ending up seriously hurt or in a coma or something and James going after Oliver. That’s something you can put in a trailer or on a poster.
This seems like a script from a writer who hasn’t written that many scripts yet, but although this script has problems it’s not the worst and it is salvageable with enough hard work.
If you’re really serious about this screenwriting thing I strongly recommend buying a copy of “Your Screenplay Sucks” by William Akers. It’s the best book I’ve read that lets you know how to improve your script. Trust me. It will be the best $15 bucks you’ve ever spent.
Until then, I would say you need to work on your structure because there’s too much talking and not enough action. Imagine the trailer to this script. What are the big scenes that would make someone want to pay to see this? Because I honestly don’t think you have any at this point. But please don’t let my comments discourage you. 90% of screenwriting is rewriting. Learn it. Love it.
I hope my comments will be helpful. Good luck on the next draft. read -
A review of Ah-Haby cswood on 01/22/2012So I’m 20 pages in. You’ve got a nice style in your dialog, but there’s just too much of it. All the really good parts are drowned by all the excess filler. I’m 20 pages in and the plot has barely moved an inch, it’s just lots and lots of talking without much action. I get you’re trying to be funny and slick and tarantinoesque but it doesn’t amount to much without action. Talk... So I’m 20 pages in. You’ve got a nice style in your dialog, but there’s just too much of it. All the really good parts are drowned by all the excess filler. I’m 20 pages in and the plot has barely moved an inch, it’s just lots and lots of talking without much action. I get you’re trying to be funny and slick and tarantinoesque but it doesn’t amount to much without action. Talk is cheap for a reason.
We finally get some action on Pg 31 with the robbery, but then it’s over way too fast and the cops spend well over 20 pages interrogating Profit/Omar. The robbery and the subsequent robbing of the robbers could have been a great source of comedy had it been drawn out and allowed to play, but you skip right over it and instead waste pages and pages of talking on the interrogation scenes.
My favorite thing about most heist movies is the planning. The criminals say ”this is what we’re going/have to do and this is how it’s supposed to go down” and then everything goes to shit. Your story does not have a setup like that and suffers for it.
I also think the story suffers largely from having the police involved so soon. The conflict should be between Profit and the people that robbed him and the police should only be a looming threat. I know this is meant to be a comedy, and although you have some snappy dialog, it doesn’t make up for the poor structure. You have some funny lines but the situations the characters find themselves in are increasingly not funny.
If you look at some of Tarantino’s movies or even a movie like The Hangover, what makes them funny is that a sense of danger is always present (be it guys with guns or Mike Tyson or a meat-eating tiger in the bathroom). If Profit and Omar were debating race relations while people were shooting at them or pointing guns at them (throughout) it would be much funnier, but aside from the robbery and the finale there are no guns or real sense of danger to punctuate the snappy lines.
I’m also not crazy about the main character’s first name. It seems too gimmicky and it’s hard to take him seriously (I do like the name “Macaroni Tony” though). And the title isn't that catchy either. If you're keeping the main character's first name, I suggest "Profit's Motive".
My biggest advice would be to down on the dialog and bump up the forward motion of the story. Balance your action and dialog. I hope my comments will be helpful. read -
A review of A Tru Fairytaleby cswood on 10/07/2011At 104 pages, it’s a little over long for me, especially since you tend to direct from the page and overwrite in many places. You need to find things to cut to get this closer to 95 pages. Narrator’s blowup on pg 3 is a bit much and too self-aware. You’ve got a cute beginning, don’t spoil it. In fact, although I see where you’re going and the Narrator does make up much of... At 104 pages, it’s a little over long for me, especially since you tend to direct from the page and overwrite in many places. You need to find things to cut to get this closer to 95 pages.
Narrator’s blowup on pg 3 is a bit much and too self-aware. You’ve got a cute beginning, don’t spoil it. In fact, although I see where you’re going and the Narrator does make up much of the verbal comedy, you overuse him way too much, especially for exposition. It felt very intrusive in more than a few places. Don’t rely so much on him. Go back and find instances where he’s retelling us information and start cutting anything you can that won’t hurt our understanding of the story.
I see you went there on pg 7 insinuating one of the dead frog used to be a person. That’s pretty dark. And yet, hilarious.
A better line on the bottom of pg 8 after we see the troll eat someone might be “well… you get the idea.” instead of telling us he eats them (since we just saw it eat someone).
You may want to alternate word usage in some areas, like using quizzical two pages in a row (on 10 and 11).
The witches names aren’t distinctive enough for me. You might want to go with something more visual like “fat witch, skinny witch, tall witch” you know, something that will paint a picture in our minds.
“Is it a combination lock? Those won’t be invented for centuries!” I liked that one.
Should be “card shark” on pg 31.
“Did you eat Hansel?” Another nice line.
Having read through to the end, overall it’s good. Structure, story and character are all pretty solid. You’ve obviously put a lot of thought and work into this to make all the pieces fit and it shows.
My only real problem has more to do with the physical writing and your penchant for overdoing it sometimes. You will mention something in your action lines then either repeat it in a parenthical or have the character repeat it. There are some short clean action lines, and then there are long bulky lines that could be trimmed or spaced out. You need to go over each line and lose what you don’t need. It slows down an otherwise fast read.
And maybe it’s just me but your dialog margins seem to be far too wide. I think animated scripts have a slightly different format than film scripts so that could be what it is, but otherwise it looked off to me.
So overall I’d rate the script good across the board. Oh, the only other thing that might be a problem is the fact a “frog princess” movie and a “Rapunzel” movie just came out recently, but I would guess by the time this was optioned and made no one will be thinking of those other films so maybe it’s not such a problem.
I hope my comments will be helpful. Good luck on the next draft. read -
A review of The Long Road Homeby cswood on 07/13/2011It’s rare that I make it all the way through an entire assignment without stopping to take notes, so that’s good. You have a nice, simple, straight-forward drama, but it’s well structured and well told and both of the main characters arc and that’s good as well. It’s always hard for me to rate straight dramas because there’s rarely any huge plot points or set pieces to hang... It’s rare that I make it all the way through an entire assignment without stopping to take notes, so that’s good. You have a nice, simple, straight-forward drama, but it’s well structured and well told and both of the main characters arc and that’s good as well.
It’s always hard for me to rate straight dramas because there’s rarely any huge plot points or set pieces to hang your hat on, but I enjoyed it. Aside from a few typos here and there it was a fast and fluid read and I really didn’t have much to complain about.
One thing that ran through my head was I imagined if this were a European story then Jayce and Noreen would have kissed at some point (I almost expected it when they got drunk), but thankfully you didn’t go down that road.
One suggestion I’d like to make is if, while watching the home videos toward the end, if Jayce stumbles upon a video of Abby recording herself and discovering the ring and proclaiming that she will say yes when he asks. Corny? Maybe. But it could be a nice little moment if Jayce and Noreen watch it together for the first time. Just a thought.
That’s all I got. Hope my comments will be helpful. Good luck on the next draft. read -
A review of The Wickedby cswood on 07/09/2011I love horror, but at the same time I’m hypercritical of it because I’ve seen so many of the same horror stories done over and over again without adding anything new or at least approaching an old idea from a new angle, so I warn you I tend to grade horror scripts with a harsh, but respectful eye. Listing the races of the characters could come back to bite you unless it’s... I love horror, but at the same time I’m hypercritical of it because I’ve seen so many of the same horror stories done over and over again without adding anything new or at least approaching an old idea from a new angle, so I warn you I tend to grade horror scripts with a harsh, but respectful eye.
Listing the races of the characters could come back to bite you unless it’s vital. I don’t typically have a problem with it, but readers might. And ultimately the director/studio/casting director will end up deciding who should play which roll anyway (which may not fit what you’ve written). Just sayin’.
Also, about names, you’ve got a lot of characters here so you may want to try and make their names start with different letters or sound as different as possible, especially with characters that share scenes (Cindy and Carrie, for example, which rhyme). And I think you may need to cut down on most of your characters anyway. You’re still introducing new characters as late as page 70. Just pick a small group of characters that we get to know throughout the story and avoid bringing new characters in during the second half of the story.
Speaking of Moore, he’s supposed to be the hero but you first establish him as a cheater. Trust me, that’s not the way to go (do we really need another “black man who cheats on his wife” character?). It’s going to be hard for the audience to root for him if you make him out to be sleazy, but more on that later.
The inclusion of Moore’s family feels like a blatant attempt to manipulate the audience emotionally for the finale. I mean you have Cindy break into the prison and she brings the kids along? Really? I didn’t buy that for a second and knew they’d most likely stand around with nothing to do until they get into trouble and Moore has to save them (which he completely fails at). So you basically have a lead character that’s a sleazeball who also fails to accomplish his goal? Who wants to pay $8 bucks to see that?
Either axe the kids or axe the wife. You can’t have both. Pick one (I’m thinking a teenage daughter would work best) and have them already at the prison when all hell breaks loose and they have to help Moore and the survivors fight these possessed people, so that when that character is in danger we actually CARE about them because we’ve gotten to know them.
I didn’t really care about Cindy or Carrie because they contributed nothing to the story and making Moore a cheater made me start off not liking him anyway. If he were divorced/separated/widowed and having a relationship with Wright but afraid to tell his daughter about it then I probably would have liked Moore a lot more.
There should be a moment where the survivors stop and actually discuss the situation. There are possessed hordes killing people and no one has an opinion on how or why it’s happening? One person could think it’s demons, another thinks it’s The Rapture, another thinks it’s aliens/zombies, you could have a really interesting scene playing around with that.
I had never heard of a major prison with both male and female inmates so I Googled it and I still couldn’t find anything. Either way you don’t need the women inmates. They’re only there to get raped, which I’d cut out.
I don’t like the ending at all. Not that I’m opposed to downer endings, but I’ve come to realize that most people just plain don’t like downer endings. And here you have a black guy as the main character of your story (a rarity among both Hollywood films and horror films in general), and he completely fails at saving the day. Have him save the girl, kill the bad guy and save the world. Please. It’ll make your readers feel better. In your synopsis you mention this is a franchise, but don’t make the mistake of planning ahead. Write this as a stand-alone and if people want a sequel THEN you can worry about it.
Switching gears, you do a fair amount of directing from the page. I didn’t mind it at first, but it got worse as the script progressed. Besides camera angles, there are several instances when people are talking to each other on radios and you cut to another scene mid-sentence instead of using your sluglines to tell us a radio/phone conversation is taking place in more than one location. There are a few different ways to do it, so look them all up and use the one you like best.
And lastly, Felix and the finale. Felix needs to be more than just evil. What’s his plan besides world domination? Why him? Why does he have to do this inside a prison? What if there was something buried underneath/inside the prison that first possesses Felix? And there should be a final step to his plan for the finale that Moore has to stop, like he needs the heads of x amount of people or a whole lot of blood to complete his ritual before he can take over the world so killing all the inmates is actually part of why it’s happening inside a prison, and Moore can kill Felix before he completes the final step (sacrificing his daughter to Lucifer?).
So, yeah, that’s all I got. It’s not an awful script but it does need some more elbow grease. I hope my comments help. Good luck on the next draft. read -
A review of EARTHSHAKERSby cswood on 07/04/2011I love science fiction. I also have a soft spot for gritty post-apocalyptic battles. But I guess the problem with reading stories like this is the barrage of information thrown at me before even getting to know who’s the main character and which side he’s on. I admit, during those first few pages I was kind of lost. I get there’s a big battle going on, but I didn’t know why... I love science fiction. I also have a soft spot for gritty post-apocalyptic battles. But I guess the problem with reading stories like this is the barrage of information thrown at me before even getting to know who’s the main character and which side he’s on.
I admit, during those first few pages I was kind of lost. I get there’s a big battle going on, but I didn’t know why or what the stakes were or who to root for. I have other comments, but without having read the whole thing I’ll save them for later.
The first 10 pages aren’t bad, but I have problems with them. They’re written well enough, but as I said, a lot of info and technical stuff thrown at us. And sadly, I think most of it can be cut. Like at the bottom of page 5 and top of page 6 dialog. It’s just words. You could cut it down to “weapons active” “seek and destroy” “yes mother” and that’s it because the rest of that stuff tells me nothing.
The other thing, and this is just me looking at it from a practical standpoint, is that this would be super expensive to make. If you turned it into an animated feature or series of graphic novels then I’d say go full force with it, but the way it snow you may want to ditch the cyborg/pig creature stuff and just have them be human (or human on the outside). That would at least give you the option of opening the story with the main character (Jon-28?) and showing us his fear before he goes into this big battle.
The first act progresses interestingly, but again, most of the dialog is just words. It’s like reading lines of code, not very engaging. Again, I haven’t read the whole thing yet but I think you could possibly condense tour act one if Jon’s tank is damaged during the battle and his forces pull out and leave him behind. Then he crawls out of his mangled tank and, as he attempts to make it back to his people, encounters KT who’s also been left for dead on the battlefield. You could lose nearly everything between pages 14-24 that way.
Things certainly get more interesting now that Jon has someone with an actual personality to talk to, although KT does come off as kind of girly in some parts. I get you don’t want her to come off as too “robotic” but I’d expect a little less emotion from a soldier.
Also, Jon and KT’s post coitus banter goes on for quite a bit. It’s cute, you could probably keep it as is, but it just seemed to go on a bit long for me.
The third act wraps up pretty well. I guess overall this might work better as an animated film like Appleseed or Final Fantasy: TSW.
Story and character wise I’d say you’re pretty solid. I’m still not so sure about the dialog. It makes sense in context, they’re cybernetic war machines that don’t typically communicate the way normal people do and Jon’s journey is sort of rediscovering his humanity via KT and going against the directives that have been instilled in him since birth, I get all that, but much of the technical dialog is still not very fun to read and I’d try to trim down as much of it as possible.
Overall I liked it, but like I said, getting this type of script turned into a feature film would be a serious uphill battle. It’s good, but it could still be better. Keep at it. And consider trying to make it a little bit more accessible.
I hope my comments help. Good luck on the next draft. read -
A review of First Do No Harmby cswood on 05/03/2011Page 1. Before I even get into the story, there are mistakes on the very first page. “Thin Man” is a character and should always be capitalized. You use “you’re” properly, then two words later use “your” instead of “you’re”. Nitpicky stuff, yes, on the very first page? That’s a no-no. Page 2. You left out Day/Night after your Deep Woods Cottage slugline. Your character descriptions... Page 1. Before I even get into the story, there are mistakes on the very first page. “Thin Man” is a character and should always be capitalized. You use “you’re” properly, then two words later use “your” instead of “you’re”. Nitpicky stuff, yes, on the very first page? That’s a no-no.
Page 2. You left out Day/Night after your Deep Woods Cottage slugline. Your character descriptions are nice, but you may want to introduce each character on their own line. Also, Maggie and Megan. Both have similar sounding names that both begin with the same letter. You might want to change one.
Page 3. I hope that PDA is important somehow.
Page 10. The first ten are okay. A lot of setup and characters. Past this point I’m not going to mention typos.
Page 30 (Act 1). I like the plot of a pediatrician falsely(?) accused of being a pedo, but there are A LOT of characters introduced in this first act. The one violent cop is way over the top. I get it. You’re trying to make us fear for Jack, but it does seem a little bit forced.
And I’m not an expert or anything, but I think a decent lawyer could’ve poked holes in the evidence used to arrest Jack. I haven’t read the whole thing so maybe there’s a twist, but assuming Jack is innocent, there are ways to determine when those files got onto his computer and they could be cross-referenced with where he was when they were being viewed (this is assuming some ace government computer hacker didn’t set this all up).
Otherwise, if someone wanted to ruin someone else it would just be a simple matter of putting pedo pics on their computer and calling the cops. I don’t think the prosecution would go to trial unless they had tech guys who could rule out the possibility of the pictures being planted.
Page 60 (Midpoint). The thing that’s really dragging me down are the abundance of characters (I’ve counted 27 named characters so far). Many of them just seem to show up for maybe one or two scenes and then disappear. Also, I like your character descriptions, but I’d save the detailed ones for your main characters and axe or reduce the others.
My biggest piece of advice so far would be to streamline the plot. I’d also devote more time to the emotional trauma of this event. Like the scene where Maggie goes to the store and senses people judging her because of her husband. If they came out and verbally attacked her that might make the scene more interesting and give Maggie more depth if she defends her husband in the store but cries in private because maybe she’s starting to believe he might be guilty.
Page 108 (Act 3). Well I didn’t figure out it was Nora, but then again there were so many characters to keep track of I didn’t really give Nora a second thought.
I know this is going to sound weird, but your finale is too long. This should really be more self-contained. Think more like Fatal Attraction or Single White Female. You need a “monster in the house” type situation where Nora has the wife and kids locked in the house and Maggie has to fend her off until Jack and the cop show up, and then Nora kills the cop and it’s a showdown between Nora and Jack. I know that sounds a little typical, but it’s more entertaining than having a big drawn out finale (in my opinion). Plus, you could stand to lose about 10 pages anyway.
Also, Nora’s motivation was a bit anticlimactic for me. I just feel it should’ve been specific to Jack somehow. Like what if Jack is a pediatrician because his father was, but his father was a pedo who touched Nora when she was a kid, so Nora’s taking revenge on Jack? This would personalize the entire story a lot more if Jack looked up to his father, his hero, only to discover he was a pedo.
Having read the whole thing now, I’d say it’s not a bad start, but there’s much work ahead.
As I’ve noted, you need to cut down on the characters. I really think the press angle could go, or be greatly cut down. I also feel that Jack and Stark’s team-up should happen much later and Jack should be on his own for much of the story.
When I first read the synopsis to this script it sort of reminded me of The Fugitive. I think it would work better if it were more along those lines insofar as Jack being completely on his own (not even his wife believes his innocence) and the cops are always on his back until (independently) both Jack and Stark reach the same conclusion about Nora.
Also, your action lines are a bit over-descriptive at times. Tell us only what we really need to know and lose whatever you can. Less is more. The faster people can get through your script the more receptive they are likely to be.
Like I said, not a bad start, you have something here, but you need to refine it a bit more and please please please cut out some of those useless characters. I hope my comments help. Good luck on the next draft. read -
A review of Ten Thousand Words - Revby cswood on 12/13/2010Page 10. The subtext on the first page was really nice, but by Page 10 I’m not exactly sure what the story’s about. A lot of characters have been introduced. Clark and Hanna seems to be the important ones. Gail doesn’t have much presence, so I assume she’s not going to be very important. I’m from the camp that believes the first 10 should be very engaging and eye-catching,... Page 10. The subtext on the first page was really nice, but by Page 10 I’m not exactly sure what the story’s about. A lot of characters have been introduced. Clark and Hanna seems to be the important ones. Gail doesn’t have much presence, so I assume she’s not going to be very important.
I’m from the camp that believes the first 10 should be very engaging and eye-catching, and these 10 didn’t really get me pumped up for the next 80. They’re not bad, just didn’t engage me as much as I’d prefer.
Page 33 (Act 1). Things certainly picked up after those first 10 pages, but you may want to consider cutting those first 10 and starting the story with Clark and the soldiers, or open with Clark and Gail in the gallery and then go straight to Clark in the war zone. It’d be nice to superimpose his location when he wakes up in the helmand.
You introduced so many characters in the first 10 pages and it sucks that only Clark is worth knowing. Hanna gets mentioned, but we don’t really need to know her for the story to make sense.
I’m still not sure what Clark’s goal is. I guess he’s just out there on assignment doing his job, but what’s he after? Maybe it’s just to get back home to his family, in which case we should know how much longer that’s going to be or what he has to do for that to happen.
What exactly is the soldier’s mission? The scene on 19 in the tent feels like a good moment to at least let us know where they’re supposed to be going or what their mission is supposed to be. Getting 30 pages into a script and not knowing what it’s about is not a good feeling.
Higgins’ death was a powerful transition into Act 2 though.
Page 68 (Act 2). On Page 44, Clark says “I’m looking for the story” . Well, he’s not the only one. If you wrote this script for fun then that’s one thing, but if you wrote it in the hopes that one day someone with the power to get it made might see it, I think you’re shooting yourself in the foot.
There is no clear story. Screenplays that get made usually have at least these two things: a goal and conflict. Clark has no apparent goal, he’s just along for the ride. Leading characters should want something and take active steps to get it. Clark and Gail are obviously in a troubled marriage, but that’s never discussed. Clark hangs out with Hannah a lot and they look at pictures. It’s nice, but it’s not a story. I thought maybe Clark would connect with Amanda, but that didn’t seem to go anywhere.
There’s a nice little chase sequence, but the lead-up to it felt so thrown in. If Clark and the soldiers were looking for a specific bad guy and this was a step closer to finding that bad guy, then I’d get it. But it wasn’t so I didn’t.
Page 90 (Act 3). Overall, the writing itself is very smooth and there weren’t too many typos, but the problem is clearly in the story and, as a result, the characters, namely Clark. When he gets hurt at the end of Act 2, we should care, but he’s such a bland character. He appears to be a nice father, but that doesn’t qualify him to be the central character of an entire script.
It feels like two short scripts that got mashed together to make one, a family drama mixed with a war story, and both stories suffer because of it. There’s no conflict in the family story. Clark’s not trying to repair his marriage or break new ground with Hannah. In the war story, there’s no goal or point to the events. They’re just over there wandering around doing stuff and there’s no plot.
The best scenes seem to be when Clark is with Hannah, but they lose meaning because of the rest of the story. Maybe if Hannah was dying or if Gail was threatening divorce and sole custody of Hannah, then there’d be a point, but there’s no conflict in that part of the story.
You need to ask yourself, what is this story really about? What makes Clark a compelling character. What does he do that makes him worth writing about? What decisions does he make that define his character, and how many of those decisions were tough to make? Would a highly paid actor want to play him?
Also, the lack of a villain forcing Clark to make tough decisions is also a problem. You need a villain. Be it Gail at home or some notorious bomb maker out in the desert, or the fear of never seeing his daughter again, there needs to be a bad guy and it needs to present as often as possible. There needs to be someone forcing conflict on Clark. The lack of these elements made this 90 page script a tough read. Keep these things in mind when it comes time to rewrite. Obviously if this script has a blue star people must have liked it, but then again my standards are a bit higher than most.
I hope my comments help. Good luck on the next draft. read -
A review of Close Your Eyes And Floor It - 2nd Draftby cswood on 07/29/2010Page 10. The first 10 are okay. Lots of voice over and setup/backstory, but I’m willing to go with it for now. Page 27. Jim and Maddie are sure getting along pretty fast. Page 30. Things are still moving along smoothly, but your synopsis said something about Bib getting his daughter back? This’s all about Jimmy as far’s I can tell. Page 38. Personally, after your opening... Page 10. The first 10 are okay. Lots of voice over and setup/backstory, but I’m willing to go with it for now.
Page 27. Jim and Maddie are sure getting along pretty fast.
Page 30. Things are still moving along smoothly, but your synopsis said something about Bib getting his daughter back? This’s all about Jimmy as far’s I can tell.
Page 38. Personally, after your opening I’d lay off of the voice overs wherever possible.
Page 47. You switch from “Madeline” to “Maddie” in your scene description. Pick a name and stick with it when it comes to scene description.
Page 60. Act 2’s lagging. There’s lots of song, drink and women, but not so much plot. It’s mostly Jimmy drifting, the gang getting into shenanigans, and singing. Maybe the drifting plot is symbolic of the character, but the downside is it results in a 2nd Act that drags. And the daughter mentioned in your synopsis hasn’t made an appearance yet.
Page 68. Funny.
Having read to the end, I’d say the 3rd Act is pretty solid as far as drama’s go. But at 111 pages you could still lose between 10-15 pages, especially in the second act, which seems to be the main problem.
Since Maddie isn’t the girl Jimmy ends up with, I feel like you don’t really even need her. She’s really just there so Jimmy can sleep with her then get his heart broken later right before he starts going after Aiko. Maddie comes off as window dressing.
Your dialog’s fine, but your scene description could use tightening. Some times you write nice short passages, then you go and write bulky passages.
If you were going for an Indie feel then I’d say you succeeded, but that second act really hurts the script overall. The plot is supposed to be about Jimmy getting his daughter back and he doesn’t really start chasing that goal until about page 72. It just feels kinda thrown in there.
Overall I’d say it’s decent draft, but it definitely needs some fine-tuning. Work on that second act and get it closer to 100 pages.
Hope this helps. Good luck on the next draft. read -
A review of Stealing Canadaby cswood on 06/02/2010Page 1-5. Funny. Even laughed out loud a few times. “Fackin” is just a funny word unto itself. Good start. Page 10. This poop catching scene is kinda nasty. Hope it has a point. Page 37. I didn’t know they had zip-lock bags in the late 1700’s. Okay, I managed to zip all the way to the end without any major bumps, which is pretty unusual for a TS script. Seriously. I have... Page 1-5. Funny. Even laughed out loud a few times. “Fackin” is just a funny word unto itself. Good start.
Page 10. This poop catching scene is kinda nasty. Hope it has a point.
Page 37. I didn’t know they had zip-lock bags in the late 1700’s.
Okay, I managed to zip all the way to the end without any major bumps, which is pretty unusual for a TS script. Seriously. I have almost nothing to complain about. It was a good read. Funny, good characters, solid structure, good across the board.
Although I’m not so sure if Pat could really impersonate an authority figure, admit to it in a room full of authority figures, then show up to bail the criminals said authority figures were chasing and not end up in jail himself. Paul was at least aware of his parents calling Pat by his name and could’ve figured out who Pat was, but I don’t mind that little tidbit. The script was good enough to make me overlook it.
Really there isn’t much to complain about except one nitpicky thing. There’s a bit of overwritting. Some of it’s cute, but if you lost most of it the script would look a lot tighter, which brings me to my main suggestion: Get it under 110. It’s good, but it’d be better if it were a little shorter. Maybe closer to 105.
Great job. The next draft should go pretty smooth. I wouldn't be surprise to see this get a SOM nom in the future. read
Comments About cswood 60
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D J Sheridan on 06/11/2012
Hi Chris,
No probs on the free will of Easy Money.
Please can you keep up the action pieces as they are always riveting to read and edge-of-seat...
Now for Survival Instinct... -
rfryer on 02/16/2012
Downloaded your Easy Money and glimpsed a piece to make sure you are qualified to be so direct.. the small peek passed the mustard.. you have skills.. I've already heard and accepted most of the criticisms you've voiced. My take has always been that descriptions and action are elements that could be altered on the scene.. or don't necessarily require extended emphasis. A scene written for an apartment could be changed to a parking lot.. a station wagon could be substituted for a sedan--and so forth. I believe it would be harder for a director or whoever to rework an entire verbal exchange. Most memorable movies--or at least the ones I remember--are popular for a particular line. Either way.. I thank you for your input.. and the suggestions you made are good ones. -
Magnet360 on 01/18/2012
Thanks a million for selecting and reviewing "Dead Man's Float". Characterization is a bit weak, I'm going to work on that in future drafts. I hope "Found Footage" isn't going away (Now you tell me. LOL.)
Lots of reviewers are bringing up the tonal shift of burning the lake and the implausibility of it all. You guys have me thinking about this. Good stuff and great review. Thanks for your time.
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RickCarr on 10/07/2011
Thanks for the Review of "A Tru Fairytale"... you had some good points which I am sure will help the next draft... FYI - I used "Card Sharp" intentionally (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Card_sharp) - but you are not the first person to be bothered by it - so maybe I'll change it... again thanks for the read and comments. -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 08/16/2011
Thank you for your review of WFD. I think your notes are very good and will be a big help for the rewrite.
Thanks so much,
RDG -
ProfRedSweater on 07/17/2011
Wow, thanks! Glad it was helpful!
Alex -
Gary Mark Lee on 07/05/2011
thank you for your review of "EARTHSHAKERS" your commets were very helpful, all the best to you on your projects -
Shorn on 05/25/2011
Hehehe, just read your Star Trek Beat Sheet. Nice. I shall make it a mission of mine to say "Douche Nozzles" at least once a week. And nice crack about Hoth. -
Kornula on 02/25/2011
Thank you for sharing your script. I look forward to the second draft of Survival instinct! -
edanecki on 12/28/2010
I just wanted some actual criticism on my script. It was a project for school and there are still scenes that need to be added. I didn't necessarily want to follow a perfect three act structure because that is the only way scripts are written. This script is meant for production at school and not to be sold to hollywood. The flashbacks are used to add confusion trust me I've read the same books you have. Do you have thoughts on how to make my scenes better or on how to make the narrative better? I'm just curious because all you did was talk about structure...
Thanks
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Comments About cswood 60
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Quote
Hi Chris,
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Quote
Downloaded your Easy Money and glimpsed a piece to make sure you are qualified to be so direct.. the small peek passed the mustard.. you have skills.. I've already heard and accepted most of the criticisms you've voiced. My take has always been that descriptions and action are elements that could be altered on the scene.. or don't necessarily require extended emphasis. A scene written for an apartment could be changed to a parking lot.. a station wagon could be substituted for a sedan--and so forth. I believe it would be harder for a director or whoever to rework an entire verbal exchange. Most memorable movies--or at least the ones I remember--are popular for a particular line. Either way.. I thank you for your input.. and the suggestions you made are good ones.
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Quote
Thanks a million for selecting and reviewing "Dead Man's Float". Characterization is a bit weak, I'm going to work on that in future drafts. I hope "Found Footage" isn't going away (Now you tell me. LOL.)
+ more commentsD J Sheridan on 06/11/2012
No probs on the free will of Easy Money.
Please can you keep up the action pieces as they are always riveting to read and edge-of-seat...
Now for Survival Instinct...
rfryer on 02/16/2012
Magnet360 on 01/18/2012
Lots of reviewers are bringing up the tonal shift of burning the lake and the implausibility of it all. You guys have me thinking about this. Good stuff and great review. Thanks for your time.