Genres:
sci-fi/fantasy
Post-Apocalyptic Thriller!
Damian P Ramsajan
member since 03/05/2011 |
last login 05/21/2013
Anomaly, lover of unique stories, art-forms and people....
Bio
Anomaly, lover of unique stories, art-forms and people.
Submissions by Damian P Ramsajan
Reviews by Damian P Ramsajan 71
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A review of Dusty Thistleby Damian P Ramsajan on 03/31/2012I like Finn’s introduction, wasn’t too sure after the “too sensitive for the war comment” but the scene spoke for itself. I would end the scene when the rifle comes down n knocks him out, not a big fan of the screaming among the madness ending, IMO you should also spend a little more time bringing home his flaws, which lead to his failure to save the girl (especially if this... I like Finn’s introduction, wasn’t too sure after the “too sensitive for the war comment” but the scene spoke for itself. I would end the scene when the rifle comes down n knocks him out, not a big fan of the screaming among the madness ending, IMO you should also spend a little more time bringing home his flaws, which lead to his failure to save the girl (especially if this ties into a scene at the end where he actually succeeds at saving the girl). Other than that I think your intro is almost brilliant, you give us a nice feel for his character and set up the environment and story efficiently.
For Shaw’s scene you should probably super “6 years later” instead of 1871 to prevent us from having to scroll back to the beginning to do the math.
Some subtext and additional clever dialogue with the Guard on page 3 could give us a feel for what his stint in the penn was like and a bit of early insight into Shaw’s character.
There seems to be some stuff missing in Charlie’s scene. Charlie’s dialogue seems a bit off and some hints to build the tension in the room would be nice. Maybe change Edith’s reaction to Shaw’s arrival.
Supering “October 8th” feels like too much to me.
The California trip seems to come together a bit too conveniently after the fire, maybe have Finn be initially reluctant to leave but then has his mind changed by the fire and war coming to his door. Build Finn’s motive for the trip some more, Shaw’s motives seem set.
Within the first 10 pages you’ve done a pretty tight job of setting up both characters, the environment and story, although I think you could squeeze some hints or mysteries in there to help rope us into the story more, so far the main attraction for me is in the potential of Finn’s character.
Not a big fan of the barn fight on page 13, kills the momentum a bit for me.
On page 16 the dialogue with bullets flying doesn’t feel natural.
On page 19 the dialogue between Finn and Shaw get’s a bit monotonous.
Not feeling the scene with Mick either. By now I was hoping to get some more insight into the story.
By page 24 the fight with the bartender is too much and we still have no idea what this script is about, apart from a trip to California with what a new un connected event in each town on the way west?
On page 25, find a way to show us who Col Thomas is, Finn’s thoughts don’t count.
Thomas’s Job offer feels a bit too convenient and contrived to me. The scene leading up to it didn’t help. Instead of a simple bar brawl, it may help if you changed the lead up scene to one that displayed Finn’s shooting skills and some other clever mechanism for getting Thomas interested and Finn and Shaw indebted to him.
By page 30 the dialogue and building relationship between Finn and Shaw doesn’t feel naturally earned. It seems like they’re staying together just for the sake of the story.
I’m thinking the Hooker scene should have been Finn’s not Shaws, based on the back story so far.
They seem to get into the robbery too easily, seems like it should be harder to swallow based on the characters you’ve painted for them both.
The events and relationship with Thomas seem to flow too smoothly, not enough conflict imho.
Adams and Johnson’s intro could use some work, poor dialogue and too much expo.
The dialogue between Johnson and the manager goes on for too long by page 47.
By page 50 there’s almost no momentum, or idea what the story is about, again except for an eventful trip to California.
None of the dialogue between Johnson and Hacket makes any sense to me.
Finn’s dialogue throughout his interactions’ with Thomas and company seem out of character, this is blatantly obvious in contrast with the dream sequence on page 60.
IMO earl and Peter get the best of Finn n Shaw too easily during the Train Robbery, at this point the two hero’s skills and characters aren’t strong enough to keep an audience interested.
It seems like they should have never gotten involved with Thomas et al in the first place (not enough motive) and their actions proved to be too trusting even though the dialogue and events say otherwise.
On page 73 Finn’s dream sequence coinciding with Mick waking up doesn’t fit.
By page 75 Finn and Mick’s dialogue too flat and monotonous.
By page 79 the actions by our heroes should be focused and skillful, not bumbling and lucky like at the beginning of the script.
Thomas and company’s deaths and the ending altogether are somewhat anti climatic and not very gratuitous imo.
Hope this helped, best of luck with Your writing bro, stick to it. read -
A review of THE FOURTH WHEELby Damian P Ramsajan on 05/23/2011The Forth Wheel was brilliantly written. Each scene was carefully constructed and fit perfectly into a well-crafted structure. Overall this script moved at a fast pace and was very enjoyable to read and really funny. A once bitten closet romantic must face off against a ruthless corporate tycoon to save his company and in the process rescue a dim witted porn star heiress,... The Forth Wheel was brilliantly written. Each scene was carefully constructed and fit perfectly into a well-crafted structure. Overall this script moved at a fast pace and was very enjoyable to read and really funny.
A once bitten closet romantic must face off against a ruthless corporate tycoon to save his company and in the process rescue a dim witted porn star heiress, an altruistic female CEO and find love once more.
Page Notes:
By page 4 I’m trying to figure out who the main character is, it feels like Colin until his last name is revealed as “Muskrat” (which I get later, but at the time it killed the momentum for me a bit).
Blaine handing over a roll of cash doesn’t feel believable, I feel like not enough of Colin’s skills are shown at this point. This transaction also draws some parallels to Hitch that don’t quite work for me. While Colin’s skills are good, they are not uniquely amazing which imho is important for us to buy into the story in a meaningful way, I feel like he doesn’t quite justify being handed a wad of money on rep alone.
Phillip Crowley of the Crowley’s is a laugh out loud moment.
Nice use of the word “incontrovertible”.
Bon Jovi to you too. By page 14 I now fully understand Collin’s character. It didn’t quite come across to me early on, which was a little bit frustrating. This could be just me.
By page 16 I understand your premise; it’s really impressive, real and imo something mass audiences can identify with.
At this point I think this script has the potential to be much better than Hitch, but is somewhat anchored (no pun intended) by the similarities in the opening scene.
Not really felling the end of the Joey/Collin scene on page 17, imo the ending could be better.
The tow truck is funny, the story is moving along at a really fun pace.
Phillip’s introduction, his plans and situation are very intriguing.
The 911 joke works well for me.
Lost his tongue in a cock fight; hilarious.
“A Night in Venice”; this is a nice touch, feels fresh and original for this genre (imo at least) – I made this statement when I thought Ella was going to end up being the love interest. I left it in incase it helps.
I’m enjoying the dialogue; sharp and intelligent writing.
The key card on page 33 is funny.
The names Joey and Jimmy are a little confusing at times.
The “Man. With a dick” ending to the scene on page 44 doesn’t quite work for me.
The square dancing competition doesn’t quite fit with the visual of Hidden Valley you’ve built up thus far. It’s funny as hell though.
“Didn’t want the old beans to chafe”; funny.
On page 69 I think it would add more impact to Colin’s “Fatties need loving too” line if “gordita” is translated; maybe have someone explain it to Joey or Colin.
The mooning Gail in the limo scene is funny as hell.
On page 82 it would only make sense for Colin to get the contract back from Phil’s room if it wasn’t faxed out earlier in the car.
Hacking into Crowley’s server is just pure brilliance.
The groomsmen’s fighting cuts the momentum for me a bit.
Not loving the “are we cool now?” line on page 105.
Nice ending.
Gail being the love interest is fresh and original, going against the norm, but just for the record, my preference would be to make her more attractive. Also the love story between her and Colin could use some work imo, it progresses well throughout the story, but to me feels like something is missing in the climax. Sorry I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
After page ten the story takes off and down a creative, fresh and delightful path that moves at an almost perfect pace and is packed to capacity with fun and very entertaining moments. My only issue is that your introduction and most of the first ten pages don’t adequately draw us into what imo is an amazing and really enjoyable story.
I couldn’t find a whole lot more to add, except to share the moments that worked (or didn’t) for me. Overall this script was a lot of fun to read. I wish you the best of luck with it. read -
A review of Year of the Snake (R-2)by Damian P Ramsajan on 04/26/2011A brilliantly written, fresh and compelling Historical Drama, bringing together different cultural perspectives and passions, from the disheveled German soldiers fresh out of WWII defeat to the embattled Viet-Minh fighting for liberation. The writer has captured the essence of this era well through the actions of well-developed characters a good storyline and dynamic action... A brilliantly written, fresh and compelling Historical Drama, bringing together different cultural perspectives and passions, from the disheveled German soldiers fresh out of WWII defeat to the embattled Viet-Minh fighting for liberation. The writer has captured the essence of this era well through the actions of well-developed characters a good storyline and dynamic action packed scenes.
Page Notes:
Your introduction is awesome, you immediately rope me into George’s POV, your world is fresh, original and straight away intriguing, the dialogue especially coming from Alice, adds an air of authenticity that plunges us head first into your story “Bosche”!
Great introduction of Fong, I like her immediately and don’t want to see that pig Felix get his hands on her, you’ve also quickly set this up as a possibility adding a narrative question to your opening sequence that builds suspense and drives the action forward nicely.
Within the first ten pages you’ve established five pretty strong characters, the environment and given us a small hint as to what this story is about. The only thing I would ask is for a bit more clarity on the premise.
By page 14 you’ve made Fong’s plight into my major dramatic question, further building tension.
On page 16 I have only one comment, NO! Understandable though and works well to drive home the reality of these events.
Good job of getting across the character of the Viet-Minh soldiers by showing their resolve in the face of death “welcome to Vietnam old boy”.
The introduction of the Lacroix family and their invitation for Fong to come live with them is dropped on us suddenly on page 25, and while it can be explained by the children’s “impertinence” some more buildup leading to their sentiment would add depth to the story in my opinion.
I’m enjoying this story, it’s fun enjoyable and informing, your only achilles heel so far is structure (imo), assuming George is your main character (him and Fong are the two I’m most emotionally invested in at least) what’s his dramatic need? It’s ok to have that change around the midpoint, but we need some burning desire driving him forward until then (other than to get the girl).
Fong’s need is clearly to survive the sacrifices necessary to attain victory for her Country, if this changes later to a desire for a better life or to escape Tinh that works (with me at least), but currently her need is the main thing driving us forward apart from the situational drama. If your aim is to have dual protagonists then my thinking is that you should try to have both needs work in tandem with your structure or otherwise just make this Fong’s story(again imo).
Fong and Tinh’s dialogue on page 32 doesn’t feel right to me, a bit on the nose.
The assassination of Charles seems to have changed George’s needs a bit, but it still feels like he has no real driving desire and is just moved along by circumstance.
Your story flows well into the midpoint, I’m not finding a whole lot to comment about, the tension between Alice’s German baggage and her growing feeling for George adds a nice dynamic, as does Rob’s competition and the relationship developing with Fong and the Colonel. You have a lot going on, but the different threads work together well to me.
I’m enjoying the escalating conflict between Rob and George, the fight was hilarious.
On page 66 I love Fong’s retaliation, but Felix’s thigh wasn’t the target I expected.
The scene between Fong and Lacroix on page 76 works really well for me until the kids entrance, which makes me feel like something is missing, they have all this affection for Fong and while it’s understandable, we never really see the progression of this sentiment visually.
On page 80 I would have liked to see a little more action description of the incident that leads to Robs injuries, imo this scene has some potential for more dramatic impact.
On page 88 it would add some depth if we saw the reasons for Fong returning to Tinh’s apartment in spite of her knowledge of her faith (as far as she knew, she would have been handed over to Felix on the spot without chance for escape).
Some exposition for the reason behind Tinh’s mission against Lacroix would also help imo.
The scene in Tinh’s bathroom with the pin in the toilet is just brilliant and very enjoyable, the only thing missing for me, is a clear visual of Felix’s last moments, and my preference would be to have him flung out of the window and land at Fong’s feet, still alive and have her finish him off.
I like the narration at the end, this is a good theme, it would add value I think if we saw this theme working throughout the script, through the actions of various characters.
I thoroughly enjoyed your story, again your historical knowledge and concepts are very impressing, and I wish you all the best with this script. read
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Submissions by Damian P Ramsajan
Reviews by Damian P Ramsajan 71
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A review of Dusty Thistleby Damian P Ramsajan on 03/31/2012I like Finn’s introduction, wasn’t too sure after the “too sensitive for the war comment” but the scene spoke for itself. I would end the scene when the rifle comes down n knocks him out, not a big fan of the screaming among the madness ending, IMO you should also spend a little more time bringing home his flaws, which lead to his failure to save the girl (especially if this... I like Finn’s introduction, wasn’t too sure after the “too sensitive for the war comment” but the scene spoke for itself. I would end the scene when the rifle comes down n knocks him out, not a big fan of the screaming among the madness ending, IMO you should also spend a little more time bringing home his flaws, which lead to his failure to save the girl (especially if this ties into a scene at the end where he actually succeeds at saving the girl). Other than that I think your intro is almost brilliant, you give us a nice feel for his character and set up the environment and story efficiently.
For Shaw’s scene you should probably super “6 years later” instead of 1871 to prevent us from having to scroll back to the beginning to do the math.
Some subtext and additional clever dialogue with the Guard on page 3 could give us a feel for what his stint in the penn was like and a bit of early insight into Shaw’s character.
There seems to be some stuff missing in Charlie’s scene. Charlie’s dialogue seems a bit off and some hints to build the tension in the room would be nice. Maybe change Edith’s reaction to Shaw’s arrival.
Supering “October 8th” feels like too much to me.
The California trip seems to come together a bit too conveniently after the fire, maybe have Finn be initially reluctant to leave but then has his mind changed by the fire and war coming to his door. Build Finn’s motive for the trip some more, Shaw’s motives seem set.
Within the first 10 pages you’ve done a pretty tight job of setting up both characters, the environment and story, although I think you could squeeze some hints or mysteries in there to help rope us into the story more, so far the main attraction for me is in the potential of Finn’s character.
Not a big fan of the barn fight on page 13, kills the momentum a bit for me.
On page 16 the dialogue with bullets flying doesn’t feel natural.
On page 19 the dialogue between Finn and Shaw get’s a bit monotonous.
Not feeling the scene with Mick either. By now I was hoping to get some more insight into the story.
By page 24 the fight with the bartender is too much and we still have no idea what this script is about, apart from a trip to California with what a new un connected event in each town on the way west?
On page 25, find a way to show us who Col Thomas is, Finn’s thoughts don’t count.
Thomas’s Job offer feels a bit too convenient and contrived to me. The scene leading up to it didn’t help. Instead of a simple bar brawl, it may help if you changed the lead up scene to one that displayed Finn’s shooting skills and some other clever mechanism for getting Thomas interested and Finn and Shaw indebted to him.
By page 30 the dialogue and building relationship between Finn and Shaw doesn’t feel naturally earned. It seems like they’re staying together just for the sake of the story.
I’m thinking the Hooker scene should have been Finn’s not Shaws, based on the back story so far.
They seem to get into the robbery too easily, seems like it should be harder to swallow based on the characters you’ve painted for them both.
The events and relationship with Thomas seem to flow too smoothly, not enough conflict imho.
Adams and Johnson’s intro could use some work, poor dialogue and too much expo.
The dialogue between Johnson and the manager goes on for too long by page 47.
By page 50 there’s almost no momentum, or idea what the story is about, again except for an eventful trip to California.
None of the dialogue between Johnson and Hacket makes any sense to me.
Finn’s dialogue throughout his interactions’ with Thomas and company seem out of character, this is blatantly obvious in contrast with the dream sequence on page 60.
IMO earl and Peter get the best of Finn n Shaw too easily during the Train Robbery, at this point the two hero’s skills and characters aren’t strong enough to keep an audience interested.
It seems like they should have never gotten involved with Thomas et al in the first place (not enough motive) and their actions proved to be too trusting even though the dialogue and events say otherwise.
On page 73 Finn’s dream sequence coinciding with Mick waking up doesn’t fit.
By page 75 Finn and Mick’s dialogue too flat and monotonous.
By page 79 the actions by our heroes should be focused and skillful, not bumbling and lucky like at the beginning of the script.
Thomas and company’s deaths and the ending altogether are somewhat anti climatic and not very gratuitous imo.
Hope this helped, best of luck with Your writing bro, stick to it. read -
A review of THE FOURTH WHEELby Damian P Ramsajan on 05/23/2011The Forth Wheel was brilliantly written. Each scene was carefully constructed and fit perfectly into a well-crafted structure. Overall this script moved at a fast pace and was very enjoyable to read and really funny. A once bitten closet romantic must face off against a ruthless corporate tycoon to save his company and in the process rescue a dim witted porn star heiress,... The Forth Wheel was brilliantly written. Each scene was carefully constructed and fit perfectly into a well-crafted structure. Overall this script moved at a fast pace and was very enjoyable to read and really funny.
A once bitten closet romantic must face off against a ruthless corporate tycoon to save his company and in the process rescue a dim witted porn star heiress, an altruistic female CEO and find love once more.
Page Notes:
By page 4 I’m trying to figure out who the main character is, it feels like Colin until his last name is revealed as “Muskrat” (which I get later, but at the time it killed the momentum for me a bit).
Blaine handing over a roll of cash doesn’t feel believable, I feel like not enough of Colin’s skills are shown at this point. This transaction also draws some parallels to Hitch that don’t quite work for me. While Colin’s skills are good, they are not uniquely amazing which imho is important for us to buy into the story in a meaningful way, I feel like he doesn’t quite justify being handed a wad of money on rep alone.
Phillip Crowley of the Crowley’s is a laugh out loud moment.
Nice use of the word “incontrovertible”.
Bon Jovi to you too. By page 14 I now fully understand Collin’s character. It didn’t quite come across to me early on, which was a little bit frustrating. This could be just me.
By page 16 I understand your premise; it’s really impressive, real and imo something mass audiences can identify with.
At this point I think this script has the potential to be much better than Hitch, but is somewhat anchored (no pun intended) by the similarities in the opening scene.
Not really felling the end of the Joey/Collin scene on page 17, imo the ending could be better.
The tow truck is funny, the story is moving along at a really fun pace.
Phillip’s introduction, his plans and situation are very intriguing.
The 911 joke works well for me.
Lost his tongue in a cock fight; hilarious.
“A Night in Venice”; this is a nice touch, feels fresh and original for this genre (imo at least) – I made this statement when I thought Ella was going to end up being the love interest. I left it in incase it helps.
I’m enjoying the dialogue; sharp and intelligent writing.
The key card on page 33 is funny.
The names Joey and Jimmy are a little confusing at times.
The “Man. With a dick” ending to the scene on page 44 doesn’t quite work for me.
The square dancing competition doesn’t quite fit with the visual of Hidden Valley you’ve built up thus far. It’s funny as hell though.
“Didn’t want the old beans to chafe”; funny.
On page 69 I think it would add more impact to Colin’s “Fatties need loving too” line if “gordita” is translated; maybe have someone explain it to Joey or Colin.
The mooning Gail in the limo scene is funny as hell.
On page 82 it would only make sense for Colin to get the contract back from Phil’s room if it wasn’t faxed out earlier in the car.
Hacking into Crowley’s server is just pure brilliance.
The groomsmen’s fighting cuts the momentum for me a bit.
Not loving the “are we cool now?” line on page 105.
Nice ending.
Gail being the love interest is fresh and original, going against the norm, but just for the record, my preference would be to make her more attractive. Also the love story between her and Colin could use some work imo, it progresses well throughout the story, but to me feels like something is missing in the climax. Sorry I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
After page ten the story takes off and down a creative, fresh and delightful path that moves at an almost perfect pace and is packed to capacity with fun and very entertaining moments. My only issue is that your introduction and most of the first ten pages don’t adequately draw us into what imo is an amazing and really enjoyable story.
I couldn’t find a whole lot more to add, except to share the moments that worked (or didn’t) for me. Overall this script was a lot of fun to read. I wish you the best of luck with it. read -
A review of Year of the Snake (R-2)by Damian P Ramsajan on 04/26/2011A brilliantly written, fresh and compelling Historical Drama, bringing together different cultural perspectives and passions, from the disheveled German soldiers fresh out of WWII defeat to the embattled Viet-Minh fighting for liberation. The writer has captured the essence of this era well through the actions of well-developed characters a good storyline and dynamic action... A brilliantly written, fresh and compelling Historical Drama, bringing together different cultural perspectives and passions, from the disheveled German soldiers fresh out of WWII defeat to the embattled Viet-Minh fighting for liberation. The writer has captured the essence of this era well through the actions of well-developed characters a good storyline and dynamic action packed scenes.
Page Notes:
Your introduction is awesome, you immediately rope me into George’s POV, your world is fresh, original and straight away intriguing, the dialogue especially coming from Alice, adds an air of authenticity that plunges us head first into your story “Bosche”!
Great introduction of Fong, I like her immediately and don’t want to see that pig Felix get his hands on her, you’ve also quickly set this up as a possibility adding a narrative question to your opening sequence that builds suspense and drives the action forward nicely.
Within the first ten pages you’ve established five pretty strong characters, the environment and given us a small hint as to what this story is about. The only thing I would ask is for a bit more clarity on the premise.
By page 14 you’ve made Fong’s plight into my major dramatic question, further building tension.
On page 16 I have only one comment, NO! Understandable though and works well to drive home the reality of these events.
Good job of getting across the character of the Viet-Minh soldiers by showing their resolve in the face of death “welcome to Vietnam old boy”.
The introduction of the Lacroix family and their invitation for Fong to come live with them is dropped on us suddenly on page 25, and while it can be explained by the children’s “impertinence” some more buildup leading to their sentiment would add depth to the story in my opinion.
I’m enjoying this story, it’s fun enjoyable and informing, your only achilles heel so far is structure (imo), assuming George is your main character (him and Fong are the two I’m most emotionally invested in at least) what’s his dramatic need? It’s ok to have that change around the midpoint, but we need some burning desire driving him forward until then (other than to get the girl).
Fong’s need is clearly to survive the sacrifices necessary to attain victory for her Country, if this changes later to a desire for a better life or to escape Tinh that works (with me at least), but currently her need is the main thing driving us forward apart from the situational drama. If your aim is to have dual protagonists then my thinking is that you should try to have both needs work in tandem with your structure or otherwise just make this Fong’s story(again imo).
Fong and Tinh’s dialogue on page 32 doesn’t feel right to me, a bit on the nose.
The assassination of Charles seems to have changed George’s needs a bit, but it still feels like he has no real driving desire and is just moved along by circumstance.
Your story flows well into the midpoint, I’m not finding a whole lot to comment about, the tension between Alice’s German baggage and her growing feeling for George adds a nice dynamic, as does Rob’s competition and the relationship developing with Fong and the Colonel. You have a lot going on, but the different threads work together well to me.
I’m enjoying the escalating conflict between Rob and George, the fight was hilarious.
On page 66 I love Fong’s retaliation, but Felix’s thigh wasn’t the target I expected.
The scene between Fong and Lacroix on page 76 works really well for me until the kids entrance, which makes me feel like something is missing, they have all this affection for Fong and while it’s understandable, we never really see the progression of this sentiment visually.
On page 80 I would have liked to see a little more action description of the incident that leads to Robs injuries, imo this scene has some potential for more dramatic impact.
On page 88 it would add some depth if we saw the reasons for Fong returning to Tinh’s apartment in spite of her knowledge of her faith (as far as she knew, she would have been handed over to Felix on the spot without chance for escape).
Some exposition for the reason behind Tinh’s mission against Lacroix would also help imo.
The scene in Tinh’s bathroom with the pin in the toilet is just brilliant and very enjoyable, the only thing missing for me, is a clear visual of Felix’s last moments, and my preference would be to have him flung out of the window and land at Fong’s feet, still alive and have her finish him off.
I like the narration at the end, this is a good theme, it would add value I think if we saw this theme working throughout the script, through the actions of various characters.
I thoroughly enjoyed your story, again your historical knowledge and concepts are very impressing, and I wish you all the best with this script. read -
A review of The Dirty Southby Damian P Ramsajan on 04/25/2011Three cons an ex Ranger and a Tampon bomb wielding commando Granny take on a pack of grave robbing hillbillies. Page Notes: By page 5, I like that you’ve gotten directly into your story, however imo your introduction lacks dramatic tension, all the scenes so far seem somewhat flat and lacking conflict. You’ve done a good job of showing us a bit of Brooks’ character, he goes... Three cons an ex Ranger and a Tampon bomb wielding commando Granny take on a pack of grave robbing hillbillies.
Page Notes:
By page 5, I like that you’ve gotten directly into your story, however imo your introduction lacks dramatic tension, all the scenes so far seem somewhat flat and lacking conflict.
You’ve done a good job of showing us a bit of Brooks’ character, he goes by the book, but he doesn’t stand out, nothing in the first few pages draws the reader into your character or story, you may want to come up with a more dynamic introduction of Brooks.
In the first ten pages you’ve done a pretty good job of setting up the premise and characters, sorry to belabor the point but my only issue is with the lack of conflict within your scenes, you start and end on the same dramatic beats for most scenes so far, giving a flat feel that reads more like a novel than a script and hinders the otherwise good momentum you’re developing.
On page 21 it would add depth to Christina’s exposition regarding Brooks’ family if we had some hint of her feelings before. Maybe if she let slip a few probing words or questions to clarify to herself that Brooks was indeed “the guy from the news”.
The mystery of the grave robbing criminals is intriguing.
On page 35, It feels just a little strange that Terrence is suddenly singing like a canary, volunteering information without even being asked, as he hasn’t uttered a word in the script so far, this can of course be explained by the fact that guns are pointed at him, but the contrast does feel a bit off to me.
I’m anxious to find out what the stakes are, what is so important about the grave robbers activities that warrant them going to such extremes to get rid of Brooks and the other three?
Dale’s comedy relief works well to break up the serious moments, it feels genuine and not contrived at all.
On page 51 “Terrance grabs Ethan‟s gun” needs to be changed to “Brooks grabs..”. In the next line you should change either “presses” or “pressed”.
Love Roxanna, she’s more dangerous than the ranger with that skillet “Motherfucker, I am still holding this frying pan”, funny.
On page 61 we start to see Brooks bending “the rules”, a hint of his arc.
On page 64 there's still no indication of what the grave robbers are really up to and based on Warren’s dialogue I’m wondering what activities could put these guys in jail for life, as grave robbing doesn’t carry a life sentence.
The flashback of Brooks’ family on page 65 doesn’t work that well for me, it feels a bit sudden and out of place.
On page 67 (to Brooks) needs to be changed to (to Terrence).
So far Roxanna is my favorite character followed by Dale, the others are pretty solid, but these two stand out to me.
Tampon Molotov cocktails, creepy, but brilliant.
I would have preferred if Super Granny was the one to save Brooks, but Terrence works just as well.
Character development was pretty well done for the most part, I felt Brooks arc was somewhat incomplete though, he started off being a by the books Ranger, in the middle started bending the rules and making his own decisions, but there was no real resolution of his flaw or completion of his arc.
Dialogue was particularly good to me; I think you did a pretty good job of giving each character an individual voice.
Premise “no man left behind” could use some work, it didn’t really move me, and maybe some conflict or showing the negative aspect of this principle can help drive it home to your readers.
I didn’t really get a feel for the antagonists, they all felt the same to me except for the end, no one really stood out and we never got an understanding of what their operation was or why it warranted killing four people, it would also add more depth to your story if their principles were more clearly shown as being in direct contradiction to Brooks’.
Structure was spot on for the most part; I think the only thing lacking was a clear moral dilemma at the end that contracted with Brooks’ flaw.
I enjoyed the story, the momentum was pretty compelling, fun and easy to read.
Hope this helped and best of luck. read -
A review of Got to Get Backby Damian P Ramsajan on 04/23/2011Page Notes: Through the first ten pages I don’t have a lot to add, I would’ve liked to see Leeann’s reaction to the tattoo drawing on her hand, also at times it does feel a bit busy (but understandably so), for the most part your setup works really well to me. Now I see Leeann’s reaction, nice tight writing. I’m enjoying the flow throughout act one, not finding a whole lot... Page Notes:
Through the first ten pages I don’t have a lot to add, I would’ve liked to see Leeann’s reaction to the tattoo drawing on her hand, also at times it does feel a bit busy (but understandably so), for the most part your setup works really well to me.
Now I see Leeann’s reaction, nice tight writing.
I’m enjoying the flow throughout act one, not finding a whole lot to comment on, the events just move forward smoothly and you tie up any loose ends quickly.
By the end of act 1 my only thoughts are regarding Randall and Starburst, I don’t really have a point of reference for them as characters and so this could be just me, but something feels wrong to me about Starbursts reactions and dialogue contrasting from before and after they get into the van (when she turns into a human punching bag). I also don’t buy Randall’s 100% obsessive behavior entirely.
I also don’t quite buy Leeann’s desire to get Mickey to drive out to White Pigeon to get another picture of Bree, maybe if this desire came from Mickey instead it would feel more natural (to me at least).
The scene with Ozzy and Mickey is amazing, lots of drama and character revelation, this is excellent writing.
On page 32/33 you use “like it is sitting still” twice in consecutive paragraphs.
The scene where Shelby eavesdrops on Mickey and Leanne’s phone call is another of my favorites so far, very dramatic and emotional.
The action in the later part of act 2 is nail biting, the exploits of Bubba hunting Mickey, while Randall also hunts Mickey who is following Bree who is dealing with Snappy all work together to create a very unique dynamic.
The Bubba scene on page 68 is thrilling.
On page 71 I half expected Randall to kill snappy on the spot due to the buildup of anger after seeing him having sex with Bree.
On page 74 I’m not quite understanding why the Sherriff turns his back to Randall after seeing him carrying Bree in his arms, even though Randall isn’t the one the Sheriff was expecting, him exiting the building with an unconscious patient is still suspicious and should probably drawing his gun and demanding an explanation right?
By now it starts to feel to me like Mickey is absent for a bit too long.
A lot of action time was spent on Bree getting the needles and pills, then it seemed like she missed her opportunity to use them which caused her use of the needle at the end to feel contrived to me.
To be honest I’m not enjoying the action at the end of act 3, some of it seems a bit drawn out, especially Randall and Mickey’s fight.
I enjoyed this script, my only issues were with the development of the antagonist whose character felt a bit comical and somewhat unbelievable at times and the quality of the action sequences in the latter part of act 3.
Hope this was helpful and wish you the best with your writing. read -
A review of The Lost Childrenby Damian P Ramsajan on 04/20/2011The conversation between Michelle and Dr. Tree doesn’t feel right to me; She is clearly convinced that he has experimented on her against her will (and with good reason apparently) yet she seems to confide in him initially as you would with a trusted councilor. I imagine that angst should shine through her dialogue from the start. On page 3, has the baby been born since the... The conversation between Michelle and Dr. Tree doesn’t feel right to me; She is clearly convinced that he has experimented on her against her will (and with good reason apparently) yet she seems to confide in him initially as you would with a trusted councilor. I imagine that angst should shine through her dialogue from the start.
On page 3, has the baby been born since the opening scene? In the beginning Michelle wanted to “get this thing out of me” yet she wasn’t described as being pregnant. This should be made clearer if possible.
Upon reading of Michelle’s death I feel like you should have built up the reasons a bit more as the only reason for her to doubt her sanity seems implausible so far as evidenced by Mindy’s abilities. While you explain this on page 50 I don’t think it would take away from your story to maybe show some of that expo upfront.
You’ve used “you’re the only one who can see me” twice on page 8-9, for more impact you should probably cut one of them. You’ve also described Karl as being muscular twice.
Sorry to nitpick and it’s not a big deal, but by page ten you’ve used the word “small” a lot.
Mindy’s abilities are downplayed too much I think, her Father never acknowledges them for instance, unless such abilities are “normal” in your world, if so this should be made clear early on.
I’m not quite getting why Dr. Tree went through all this trouble with Shannon (walking upstairs, breaking glass etc.) at first I thought he was trying to stage the scene to make it look like a fight between the girls or suicide, but that didn’t pan out.
I like the revelation of Lila’s abilities on page 22 this worked well for me.
I confused the names Adam and Alex a bit, not a huge deal, but it is recommended to choose character names that don’t start with the same letter (I haven’t always followed that rule either, when I get attached to names but if you’re not attached it’s a good rule).
You’ve done a good job of setting up your situation and inciting incident, there’s now a strong dramatic need instilled in your main character Karl which drives the story forward nicely, my only other thoughts on the first act are that you could probably have developed Karl’s character some more, there’s a lot more to show there as a thoughtful self-sacrificing Father or as one who drowned himself in his work over the loss of his wife and neglected his daughters?
I’m really enjoying Lila’s abilities, they add a nice layer to your story and you use them quite well, again my only thought on this are the lack of reaction from Karl about his daughters’ gifts.
Not liking the fact that Karl carries a nines’, expected more firepower from him.
Why doesn’t Karl use Lila to get information from Adam and Austin like she did before?
On page 43 Mindy chuckles and says “I was inseminated this morning” this might work if she was artificially inseminated and the only residual pain was that of the needles, but in fact she was raped calling for a completely different reaction.
Seems like Doctor Tree is doing a lot of the dirty work himself (the killing of Doctor Kavan) doesn’t he have government lackeys to this?
It seems kind of odd that Evan is the one to tell Karl of Alex’s death.
I think the action sequences at the beginning of act 3 could probably use some work they’re just not propelling the story forward for me and I can’t quite put my finger on why maybe too much non dramatic detail?
I’m not quite feeling the revelation of the beings at the end, the mystery was maybe let out too early.
Bringing Karl back to life is the normal ET thing to do, it’s been done to death, you might want to try a different approach.
Overall you have some good conceptual elements here, good characters and mostly good dialogue, story needs a bit of work, personally though I didn’t like the teenage pregnancies and barbarian deliveries of babies to be honest.
I hope my words help and best of luck with your writing. read -
A review of Bootleggersby Damian P Ramsajan on 04/20/2011Bootleggers has a lot of comedic potential with its slow speed car chases and ironic status quo’s. The free flowing alcohol pre and post prohibition characters and points of views, makes for good comedy. Cops selling bullets for beers and advocating drunk driving. Al Capone the banker, all saved by the sloppy southern martial arts preacher, good stuff. The world war one uniforms... Bootleggers has a lot of comedic potential with its slow speed car chases and ironic status quo’s. The free flowing alcohol pre and post prohibition characters and points of views, makes for good comedy.
Cops selling bullets for beers and advocating drunk driving. Al Capone the banker, all saved by the sloppy southern martial arts preacher, good stuff.
The world war one uniforms draws me into your story.
Hate to be a show not tells Nazi, but on page one it’s hard to miss, don’t tell us Lu-Anne is hired help.
It would be helpful, at least to me, if you superimposed the amount of time elapsed at the start of the prohibition montage.
Nice contrast between the free running alcohol days and prohibition, although the wonton drinking at the beginning felt a little meaningless standing on its own.
I’m not a big fan of the way the distillery burned, Joe senior’s reason for going to church that day after a long absence was never explained, so the whole thing seems a bit convenient.
Joe jr’s character isn’t that funny and makes his scenes a little hard to read for me.
I don’t know what to say after Johnny and Jack’s performance on the bridge either, speechless.
I like the scene when the police officer pulls them over, good conflict, dramatic tension and irony, so far I think this is the best and funniest scene.
The younger pastor winking over the phone is hilarious.
The story flows at a nice pace from the end of act one through the midpoint after what felt to me like a slow start.
The standoff with Torrani and subsequent kidnapping of Jeremy cut the momentum that I thought you established well for most of act two.
Not feeling the scene where Joe jr. paints Jeremy’s second car.
I liked the twist with Torrani getting shot with the old guards soft trigger gun while Al’s eyes glitter with hope.
These are just thoughts on the emotions your script elicited from me with the hope of helping you with your writing. read -
A review of The Degenerateby Damian P Ramsajan on 04/13/2011A riveting, scary as hell, emotional ride into the world of one of the most horrific (and least known)serial killers in history. The essence of Dr. Holmes character and the fears of his victims were brilliantly captured. I was a little concerned with how much I enjoyed this script, many scenes were disturbing yet extremely compelling. Loved the first scene, it was superbly... A riveting, scary as hell, emotional ride into the world of one of the most horrific (and least known)serial killers in history. The essence of Dr. Holmes character and the fears of his victims were brilliantly captured. I was a little concerned with how much I enjoyed this script, many scenes were disturbing yet extremely compelling.
Loved the first scene, it was superbly crafted, you elicited some serious emotion (in me at least), you made the buildup seem a bit slow then dumped us into the deranged world of Dr. H and provided a significant amount of insight into his character. My only suggestion would be to Super “Based on a true story” or “based on actual events” at the start.
I like all the name dropping in the second scene, the first part with Anne and Buffalo Bill worked well in tandem with Maddie’s intro, the famous names adds credence to the charged atmosphere of the World fair in the white city, thought you should have had a couple of them cameo throughout the scrip though.
The second part of the scene with Twain, President Roosevelt and company in tandem with Rory’s intro and his subsequent chase of Maddie, didn’t work as well for me, seems to be a bit too much going on. If you could tailor the celebs contribution to the scene to match Rory’s actions like you did with Maddy’s intro it may work better. Maybe expound on the bit about running off to see the wizard of the white city.
I like the atmosphere you’ve created so far though, feels like a nightmarish Titanic on its way to hell.
“There’s no way to really appreciate the complexities of the human form without dissection.” You’ve done such a good job of getting into this guy’s head, it's scary.
You might want to cut down the action descriptions from four and three to two lines where possible.
The action flows smoothly after the slight “busyness” of the second scene, all the way through act one it’s extremely exciting, building an urgent desire to discover the following narrative questions: Will Maddie escape Mudgett? is it Rory’s baby she’s carrying and if so will they end up together as a happy family?
The two scenes with Netty before the end of act 1 both get a bit busy at times, especially with all the staring and glancing.
Most of your scenes surround Mudgett, but there is no real change in his dramatic need by the break into act 2. The same goes for Maddie as a secondary character there’s nothing driving her but the minor need of “just getting by”.
So far your story is told mainly through Mudgett’s POV which makes the introduction of so many other characters actually feel workable, this could use some tightening up though, as it does feel a bit much at times, especially in the scene where one of Carrie’s girls is shot, if we felt the intro viscerally from Mudgetts POV, it might seem more natural and less busy, as it is this scene significantly slows the momentum for me.
Doesn’t fit for Mudgett to invite Rory to come over to the pharmacy, when he did this in act 1, I was thinking maybe he had some special reason for the invite even though it conflicted with his obvious attraction to Maddie, but around the midpoint when Rory finally shows up Mudgett now just wishes to be rid of him.
The story flows quickly again up to the middle of the second half of act 2. On page 67 Mudgett and Ben’s dialogue about sinking or swimming together doesn’t feel right to me, seems that they should have an understanding that transcends this type of justification talk after the threshold ben has obviously crossed.
The capture of Robert Phelps seems to be the most pronounced trigger so far, as it instills the dramatic need to escape in Maddie (when she’s made aware) and an opposing need in Mudgett (Maddie and Emmy must die to protect his secret). Since Maddie is the character we (at least I) feel most emotionally invested in, you may want to use this as your break into act two and develop Maddie’s flaw as opposite to the decisions she needs to make to escape the Doc.
The circular room scene on page 70 is awesome, scary as hell, but awesome, my thinking is that it would make a good midpoint, it’s the first time we really see the extent of Mudgett’s perversions, it turns the action around and raises the stakes tremendously and the rest of the script explores Mudgett’s depravations more intimately.
You might also want to cut down the quantity of Anne/Annie’s.
I like Thomas Edison’s appearance but think it would have more impact if you have introduced him at the beginning and maybe cut out a couple of the other famous names in act 1. Again I like the presence of these guys because they help visualize the atmosphere to the World Fair, but could use some polishing.
Geoffrey’s rescue of Rory seems a bit contrived; it would help if Rory were able to make the link between the names Mudgett and Holmes, give Geoffrey more need for Rory’s help. Geoffrey’s motivation would be more believable if perhaps he were looking for a fiancé or sister instead of money owed.
Also, we could use some more buildup for Rory’s now desperate desire to find Holmes.
Act three was really well written, nail biting, I loved the ending.
Hope this helped, and best of luck with your writing. read -
A review of Madonna of the Chairby Damian P Ramsajan on 04/07/2011Madonna of the Chair was an intriguing story, your writing style is very inviting for lack of a better word, and you get us into the perspective of your character and keep us engrossed from his point of view, when he is scared, curious, or relieved so are we. This ability to keep us emotionally invested is an important one, and looking at your profile I was disappointed to... Madonna of the Chair was an intriguing story, your writing style is very inviting for lack of a better word, and you get us into the perspective of your character and keep us engrossed from his point of view, when he is scared, curious, or relieved so are we.
This ability to keep us emotionally invested is an important one, and looking at your profile I was disappointed to not see a follow-up to this story or the existence of others (on TS at least).
I think you dragged the mystery on just a bit too much before the climax. Other than this I couldn’t find anything wrong with this, I particularly enjoyed the premise and message.
Hope this helped and also hope to see some more stories from you sometime soon. read -
A review of The Fallenby Damian P Ramsajan on 04/03/2011I enjoyed The Fallen a lot, it was an enjoyable read and has real potential with a bit of polishing. I really like the way you’ve setup the mystery and suspense in the first few pages. There are a couple holes in the Detective Hollenbeck’s interrogation of Father Sullivan, he goes from not believing the priest was alone to hunting the boy, also not a big fan of his criticism... I enjoyed The Fallen a lot, it was an enjoyable read and has real potential with a bit of polishing.
I really like the way you’ve setup the mystery and suspense in the first few pages.
There are a couple holes in the Detective Hollenbeck’s interrogation of Father Sullivan, he goes from not believing the priest was alone to hunting the boy, also not a big fan of his criticism of the priest’s “profession”, I don’t think the public associates being a priest with arson.
I’d think Hollenbeck would want to make sure Father Sullivan isn’t bleeding to death before they go into the story, other than that I’m still liking the setup.
Too much use of “as” and “no more than (insert age here)”
Why was victor killed? If the gang was hunting David it doesn’t stand to reason that he’d be free to walk around with them trying again.
When “the teenaged boy” nodded to Father and he nodded back it alluded to some sort of mystery (since we’re in mystery solving mode due to your opening) when it’s revealed that they don’t know each other it’s a sort of a letdown.
On page 24 Father says he just had an incredible dream in the middle of a conversation, did you mean an incredible thought?
The introduction to the flashback on page 33 seems a bit too long, also you should try to tie it in more closely with the storyline, maybe have Hollenbeck say “look Father there’s something I have to tell you” while his hands shake, my preference would be to not have this flashback at all, since you’re already telling most of the story via flashback.
When Father starts back to tell his story on page 36 the momentum (which was running smoothly through act 1) is diminished a bit, you should probably consider not having such a long break to the present or not cutting to the present at all.
Detective Tara sounds like a woman until you describe “his” cellphone many pages after his introduction, this took some of the steam out of your Johnson joke.
Hollenbeck’s treatment of Father Sullivan at the beginning doesn’t add up now that we know Father was responsible for healing Hollenbeck’s son of Lukemia, if you soften up Hollenbeck’s interrogation at the start and drop a couple hints of him being protective of the “suspect” then we would have more of an aha moment going into the midpoint.
I’m loving the twist you have going in act three the buildup of dramatic tension works really well as you reveal Richards identity.
It would greatly increase the dramatic impact of your reveal if you were able to drop some hints during all of Richard’s earlier interactions, for example have Jose yell “no Father” which may slip unnoticed at the time but create the aha moment at the end. read
Comments About Damian P Ramsajan 46
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FinleyMulligan on 04/01/2012
Hey! Thanks a bundle for the review! Cheers. -
AlexandraJade on 10/14/2011
Happy to help! Glad you saw the review as helpful. -
Karl Gorman on 10/10/2011
You're welcome, Damian.
Just out of curiosity: have you seen the TV series "Jeremiah"? It'd be useful, so you know how close the concepts are so that you can make sure you make yours different enough. In the words of Tori Amos: "There are only about ten ideas, what makes them different is how you spice them." . . . or maybe it's twelve ideas, or seven, but you know what I mean.
-- Karl. -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 08/16/2011
Hey man. Thanks for the detailed review of Wolflord. It's really helpful that you tell me the bits that don't make sense/where I lost you as a reader. Good stuff to go back over for me. Cheers! -
Dan Cassell on 05/29/2011
Belated congrats re: ROM. Well deserved. Thanks again for your outstanding review of Paralysis
Dan -
mlambush on 05/23/2011
Thanks for the review, my man! Always good to get one from the reigning ROM. Cheers!
Mickey -
mulligan1234 on 05/08/2011
congratulations!! I'd love for you to review my screenplay The Haunting of Nathan Small. thanks. -
davidmcewing on 05/05/2011
Damian:
Congratulations on making it to ROM. You deserve it. Good job.
Dave McEwing -
MiltonDaggett on 05/04/2011
Hi, Damian. First off, congratulations on being the new Reviewer of the Month. And secondly, thanks for your review of "The Tower of Lies." Your insightful notes have me thinking about including the final flashback in the beginning of the story to give more gravitational suspense to the main character's motives. What do you think? Again, thanks for your detailed review. -
crossroads79 on 04/28/2011
Conrgrats. on ROM.
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Comments About Damian P Ramsajan 46
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Hey! Thanks a bundle for the review! Cheers.
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Happy to help! Glad you saw the review as helpful.
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You're welcome, Damian.
+ more commentsFinleyMulligan on 04/01/2012
AlexandraJade on 10/14/2011
Karl Gorman on 10/10/2011
Just out of curiosity: have you seen the TV series "Jeremiah"? It'd be useful, so you know how close the concepts are so that you can make sure you make yours different enough. In the words of Tori Amos: "There are only about ten ideas, what makes them different is how you spice them." . . . or maybe it's twelve ideas, or seven, but you know what I mean.
-- Karl.