dandirtyfool

A review of The Fortune Cookies

by dandirtyfool on 08/28/2012

My line by line assestment; Pg. 1 – Julie is dreaming about singing in an opera. If her dream is to become an opera singer, it is not shown in the story. What does her mother represent in the dream? Generally people represent a part of the dreamer. Doris, Julie's mother, transforms from a handsome man yet she is groggy, dirty, bitter, and mean looking. Pg. 8 – Sandra... read

Port Wikkalyn review by Dan M.

A review of Port Wikkalyn

by dandirtyfool on 04/09/2012

Tristan, a 20 something year old visits Port Wikkalyn in search of love but finds himself intangled in a sea witches hold. There are several issues with this story. First of all the sea witch is a good concept however the content, or the story surrounding the sea witch and Tristan is very weak and needs serious revising. Tristan needs to have a solid goal. What is he after?... Tristan, a 20 something year old visits Port Wikkalyn in search of love but finds himself intangled in a sea witches hold.
There are several issues with this story. First of all the sea witch is a good concept however the content, or the story surrounding the sea witch and Tristan is very weak and needs serious revising. Tristan needs to have a solid goal. What is he after? Whom is he after. Early it seems that he is after one of the girls. He questions Rosco about the girls and their mother Gwen. However throughout the screenplay the writer breaks away from the main character, Tristan with several wordy and useless conversations; Pg. 10 – Lucas and Agatha. Pg. 62 – Rosco and Lucas. Pg. 65 – Ben and Lucas. Pg. 73 - Agatha and Besselle. Pg. 85- 86 – Rosco and Cathy. A lot of dialogue can be reviewed and cut from the script. The writer must get to the point in each scene. May I add that the characters are general and lack description. Most of the women are simply beautiful and lacking characteristics.
Here are some page by page items;
Pg. 2 – Mr. Norrel is mentioned early in the story yet has no significance to the story.

Pg. 20 – Too much shifting back and forth between characters. Rosco, Tristan, Gwen.
Tristan takes pictures with his camera. He didn’t take pictures before. Why now? Pg. 25, Once again a shift to two characters, Lucas and Ben.

Pg. 21 – Too much dialogue. Get to the point.
Pg. 28 – Too much mumbo-jumbo with the large sea creature. Where did that come from?
Pg. 30 – Agatha says, ‘Gwen thought he was bad news.’ Perhaps there should be a better way to show Gwen’s dislike for Tristan. Show, don’t tell.
Pg. 34 – Tristan is interested in getting photos of the mermaid Gwen. This is where the action begans.
Pg. 37 – Again we lose the main character. This page focuses on Besselle and the male escort.
Pg. 55 – By now, Tristan and the reader should have an idea what it takes to stop the sea witch or rather what would eliminate or hurt a sea witch. There is nothing so far.
Another issue, the old ‘no one is good enough for my daughter’ is clichéd and doesn’t work in modern day stories. Perhaps he should be after something else or some object one of the women may possess.
Cathy’s intro is ‘another beautiful woman.’ This doesn’t say anything about her personality or characteristic.
Pg. 75-80 Good action. However what does Tristan have to lose? What is he after?

Final Image;

The last scene; Lucas shoots himself. This does nothing for the story. What happens to Tristan? If he's the main character, we want to know that he came out alright.

Suggestions:
Tristan perhaps wants a photo of faeries thus he takes a vacation to the Port Wikky and gets put through hell to get a photo.
There are numerous possibilities that can derive from this story however the writer should be clear and concise as to what the main character is after. I can see Tristan taking a vacation to get a photos of this mysterious sea witch yet ends up fighting to stay alive thus he has something to lose, his life. He is after something. (Photos of a sea witch that he perhaps heard about.) Perhaps he falls for one of the girls. He can get the right girl in the end after he kills off the sea witch. Killing the sea witch must somehow help the people of Port Wikkalyn. Many, many possibilities. have fun with the rewrite. read

Dan isn't quite Optimistic!

A review of Optimistic 9

by dandirtyfool on 03/31/2012

Maybe I'm one of those people who don't quite get it. I have to admit I had trouble following the story. The symbolism overweighs the actual story in my opinion. In the end, the cutting of the throat was significant to the story however there wasn't much context to keep my attention. I really don't like to read about a movie just to understand what really happened and this... read

A well written story.

A review of Demeter and Persephone

by dandirtyfool on 10/30/2011

Demeter and Persephone The first paragraph was written beautifully. The description of Demeter was very well done. The reader can get a good idea of what this character looks like. The writing was done quite well however a few character descriptions can add to the story and clarity. The reader looked for more description of the passengers on the train and the train... read

Necro Phil reveiw by Dan McGee

A review of Necro Phil (rev)

by dandirtyfool on 09/24/2011

The story started out well. I think it was well written in addition, the thoughts of the main character was decribed immensely. I really like the line, 'something changed in him that day.' This gives the reader a sense of what to expect. However a few things weren't quite as clear as I would've liked. A few descriptions could've been done with more detail. One example... read

Crimson Spots review!

A review of Crimson Spots

by dandirtyfool on 08/20/2011

Crimson Forester Short Story Critique Dan McGee Some of the writing was done quite well. I'm afraid some pertinent descriptions were left out. I feel the writer needs to really refine the story after several well written critiques. It's not a bad story. A little fat could be trimmed. Here are a few things I disagreed with: Characters are not explained nor described... read

Dan McGee's Review

A review of The Death of Rachael Skye

by dandirtyfool on 07/30/2011

The Death of Rachael Skye Critique The GOOD; The writing is good from the jump start. The writer stays with the main character throughout the story. The BAD: Several things listed below can greatly improve the screenplay. I didn’t mention all grammatical errors, although there were quite a few. Tristan should start off a little stronger emotionally. He gives in... read

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