a screenplay
by Daniel D
Losing a kilo of heroin is all the excuse two junky lovers need to split town and go straight. But when the kilo's... more
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Submissions by Daniel D
Reviews by Daniel D 53
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A review of LOVE ME DEADby Daniel D on 09/22/2009Story starts out with a woman in crisis, transitioning into recovery, then becoming a murder mystery. This is a promising plot that has elements of betrayal and revenge, promising that is until the cutting-the-baby-out-of-the-womb thing. This part just totally lost me. First because Natalie wasn't painted as somebody who could act so extreme. The reasons that pushed her... Story starts out with a woman in crisis, transitioning into recovery, then becoming a murder mystery. This is a promising plot that has elements of betrayal and revenge, promising that is until the cutting-the-baby-out-of-the-womb thing. This part just totally lost me. First because Natalie wasn't painted as somebody who could act so extreme. The reasons that pushed her over the edge weren't that extraordinary: a cheating husband, childhood traumas, etc. I believed these things could push her to the brink of suicide, and even murder, but what from her past and her current life could tell me she was capable of something so extreme as cutting a baby out of a womb? I mean, this is some seriously depraved stuff. She didn't read as someone capable of doing that.
I think she didn't read like it because you try to have it both ways. You want us to sympathize with her through the first half of the script. You show her being victimized and reacting with real emotions of hurt, something we can all relate to, but what she did to Liz was a bridge too far for me. Even at the end, when she tells Brody she didn't want to hurt anybody, that she just wanted to be happy, she makes a play for sympathy that I just didn't respond to. Consequently her climactic decision to kill herself had no emotional impact.
About the other characters, I thought they were generally well-drawn, except the dynamics of Brody and Julie's relationship seemed off. They really shouldn't be together, and their reconciliation at the end looked forced. Brody's gambling addiction seemed to just go away.
On a technical side, the writing was generally good, and the plot moved along at a good clip, but I was frustrated that so many scenes were so brief, one after the other, and there weren't many longer scenes woven in to slow down the pace and let us get to know the characters.
One final note, the script worked very well visually. I could see the scenes quite vividly in my head. read -
A review of No Man Left Behindby Daniel D on 09/17/2009First, you don't need to denote opening credits in a spec. Another early impression were the number of typos--beginning sentences in the lower case, using "your" instead of "you're," "were" instead of "we're," etc. You should really proofread. The plot flows along in terms of pace, and the dialogue is mostly good, though inconsistent. There were times when your characters... First, you don't need to denote opening credits in a spec. Another early impression were the number of typos--beginning sentences in the lower case, using "your" instead of "you're," "were" instead of "we're," etc. You should really proofread.
The plot flows along in terms of pace, and the dialogue is mostly good, though inconsistent. There were times when your characters said exactly what they were thinking as though someone wrote it for them in order to convey their motives to an audience. The long scene from pages 80 to 84 come to mind. I didn't buy that this is how they would talk.
I had a more fundamental problem with the story, though. The stakes don't seem that high, and I really didn't care about Jon. He takes up drug dealing, learns his new friends aren't his real friends, and gives it up. He really didn't have much to lose here. He got involved with larger dealers, but was never in any danger. He was questioned by a police detective who was oblivious to his dealing and let him walk. In the end, it was all tied up neatly without any consequences for him. Which is fine, but why make marijuana dealing the centerpiece of your story? More concisely, I'll just repeat what I wrote in my notes as I was reading: It plays like a comedy without the jokes or a drama without the stakes. It's caught in between.
Finally I think the girls were a little too conveniently drawn in the way they revolved around Jon. I didn't see enough about him that would make the "hottest girl in school" Becky, or Ashley, or Lauren gravitate to him. Lauren's character could've used more work here. I never knew what attracted her to Jon in the first place, and what made her stay with him in the end. I kept thinking she could do better.
Overall it was very readable, despite the typos, but the stakes were more Afterschool Special than feature-film. read -
A review of My Brothers Keeper (v.4)by Daniel D on 01/15/2008This script gets off to a really good start. The characters are vivid and the situations are well observed. After the excellent start, things progress well for the first half of the script. One thing that could've been made clearer was the reason for Michael leaving with Sean for Spain. I assumed a big part of it had to do with Cordelia rejecting him, but there wasn't much... This script gets off to a really good start. The characters are vivid and the situations are well observed. After the excellent start, things progress well for the first half of the script. One thing that could've been made clearer was the reason for Michael leaving with Sean for Spain. I assumed a big part of it had to do with Cordelia rejecting him, but there wasn't much indication of this in the script. Another minor problem in the first half was somewhat a lack of tension after they reach Spain. There were one too many campfire-type scenes where they sit around chatting. Maybe you could have a training accident or something in here, something that foreshadows the dangers they will face.
The big problems I had were in the second half of the script. First, in several instances the characters say they don't know what they're fighting for anymore, but there's nothing visual that tells us why they'd think that. There are references to massacres offscreen, of the Republicans being just as bad as the Nationalists, but none of the characters experience these events first hand to make them change (this doesn't refer to Sofia finding Pedro dead, but instances earlier when the others voiced doubts about the cause). Second, you have a lot of events strung together in the second half, but they seem randomly put together. From the battle at the bridge to Sofia spying on Franco to the massacre at the church, they're all thrown in there, but there wasn't any build-up to one major climax. I guess that's a long way of saying the plot dragged.
Sean's character ultimately didn't make sense to me. In the beginning he kills out of emotion--revenge. But then in Spain, his killings are cold-blooded. That didn't make sense to me. I couldn't make the connection with the Sean you had in Ireland and the one you had in Spain.
A few more nitpicky things: your stage directions are sometimes not visual, instead saying what's in the characters' heads. Also, I thought the dialogue on page 91 was contrived, overwritten. And lastly, on page 101, you could cut the dialogue between "You finally did it, didn't you?" and "Michael sobs as Sean grimaces in pain."
For much of the read this was an intriguing script. I liked the Michael and Sofia characters a lot. I think if you work on the plot in the second half and have Michael and Sofia end up together, you'd have a much stronger finish. read
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Submissions by Daniel D
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a screenplay by Daniel DLosing a kilo of heroin is all the excuse two junky lovers need to split town and go straight. But when the kilo's... more
Reviews by Daniel D 53
-
A review of LOVE ME DEADby Daniel D on 09/22/2009Story starts out with a woman in crisis, transitioning into recovery, then becoming a murder mystery. This is a promising plot that has elements of betrayal and revenge, promising that is until the cutting-the-baby-out-of-the-womb thing. This part just totally lost me. First because Natalie wasn't painted as somebody who could act so extreme. The reasons that pushed her... Story starts out with a woman in crisis, transitioning into recovery, then becoming a murder mystery. This is a promising plot that has elements of betrayal and revenge, promising that is until the cutting-the-baby-out-of-the-womb thing. This part just totally lost me. First because Natalie wasn't painted as somebody who could act so extreme. The reasons that pushed her over the edge weren't that extraordinary: a cheating husband, childhood traumas, etc. I believed these things could push her to the brink of suicide, and even murder, but what from her past and her current life could tell me she was capable of something so extreme as cutting a baby out of a womb? I mean, this is some seriously depraved stuff. She didn't read as someone capable of doing that.
I think she didn't read like it because you try to have it both ways. You want us to sympathize with her through the first half of the script. You show her being victimized and reacting with real emotions of hurt, something we can all relate to, but what she did to Liz was a bridge too far for me. Even at the end, when she tells Brody she didn't want to hurt anybody, that she just wanted to be happy, she makes a play for sympathy that I just didn't respond to. Consequently her climactic decision to kill herself had no emotional impact.
About the other characters, I thought they were generally well-drawn, except the dynamics of Brody and Julie's relationship seemed off. They really shouldn't be together, and their reconciliation at the end looked forced. Brody's gambling addiction seemed to just go away.
On a technical side, the writing was generally good, and the plot moved along at a good clip, but I was frustrated that so many scenes were so brief, one after the other, and there weren't many longer scenes woven in to slow down the pace and let us get to know the characters.
One final note, the script worked very well visually. I could see the scenes quite vividly in my head. read -
A review of No Man Left Behindby Daniel D on 09/17/2009First, you don't need to denote opening credits in a spec. Another early impression were the number of typos--beginning sentences in the lower case, using "your" instead of "you're," "were" instead of "we're," etc. You should really proofread. The plot flows along in terms of pace, and the dialogue is mostly good, though inconsistent. There were times when your characters... First, you don't need to denote opening credits in a spec. Another early impression were the number of typos--beginning sentences in the lower case, using "your" instead of "you're," "were" instead of "we're," etc. You should really proofread.
The plot flows along in terms of pace, and the dialogue is mostly good, though inconsistent. There were times when your characters said exactly what they were thinking as though someone wrote it for them in order to convey their motives to an audience. The long scene from pages 80 to 84 come to mind. I didn't buy that this is how they would talk.
I had a more fundamental problem with the story, though. The stakes don't seem that high, and I really didn't care about Jon. He takes up drug dealing, learns his new friends aren't his real friends, and gives it up. He really didn't have much to lose here. He got involved with larger dealers, but was never in any danger. He was questioned by a police detective who was oblivious to his dealing and let him walk. In the end, it was all tied up neatly without any consequences for him. Which is fine, but why make marijuana dealing the centerpiece of your story? More concisely, I'll just repeat what I wrote in my notes as I was reading: It plays like a comedy without the jokes or a drama without the stakes. It's caught in between.
Finally I think the girls were a little too conveniently drawn in the way they revolved around Jon. I didn't see enough about him that would make the "hottest girl in school" Becky, or Ashley, or Lauren gravitate to him. Lauren's character could've used more work here. I never knew what attracted her to Jon in the first place, and what made her stay with him in the end. I kept thinking she could do better.
Overall it was very readable, despite the typos, but the stakes were more Afterschool Special than feature-film. read -
A review of My Brothers Keeper (v.4)by Daniel D on 01/15/2008This script gets off to a really good start. The characters are vivid and the situations are well observed. After the excellent start, things progress well for the first half of the script. One thing that could've been made clearer was the reason for Michael leaving with Sean for Spain. I assumed a big part of it had to do with Cordelia rejecting him, but there wasn't much... This script gets off to a really good start. The characters are vivid and the situations are well observed. After the excellent start, things progress well for the first half of the script. One thing that could've been made clearer was the reason for Michael leaving with Sean for Spain. I assumed a big part of it had to do with Cordelia rejecting him, but there wasn't much indication of this in the script. Another minor problem in the first half was somewhat a lack of tension after they reach Spain. There were one too many campfire-type scenes where they sit around chatting. Maybe you could have a training accident or something in here, something that foreshadows the dangers they will face.
The big problems I had were in the second half of the script. First, in several instances the characters say they don't know what they're fighting for anymore, but there's nothing visual that tells us why they'd think that. There are references to massacres offscreen, of the Republicans being just as bad as the Nationalists, but none of the characters experience these events first hand to make them change (this doesn't refer to Sofia finding Pedro dead, but instances earlier when the others voiced doubts about the cause). Second, you have a lot of events strung together in the second half, but they seem randomly put together. From the battle at the bridge to Sofia spying on Franco to the massacre at the church, they're all thrown in there, but there wasn't any build-up to one major climax. I guess that's a long way of saying the plot dragged.
Sean's character ultimately didn't make sense to me. In the beginning he kills out of emotion--revenge. But then in Spain, his killings are cold-blooded. That didn't make sense to me. I couldn't make the connection with the Sean you had in Ireland and the one you had in Spain.
A few more nitpicky things: your stage directions are sometimes not visual, instead saying what's in the characters' heads. Also, I thought the dialogue on page 91 was contrived, overwritten. And lastly, on page 101, you could cut the dialogue between "You finally did it, didn't you?" and "Michael sobs as Sean grimaces in pain."
For much of the read this was an intriguing script. I liked the Michael and Sofia characters a lot. I think if you work on the plot in the second half and have Michael and Sofia end up together, you'd have a much stronger finish. read -
A review of DANNI THE KILLER HUNTER V.5by Daniel D on 12/26/2007I guess I'll start by saying this was well written in many ways. The dialogue is crisp and moves things along. The characters stand out as real, distinct individuals. You especially do a good job introducing Danni and Byron with strong visuals. Also, it's always nice to see a story with a strong regional setting. It lends authenticity, and it's not the usual LA or New... I guess I'll start by saying this was well written in many ways. The dialogue is crisp and moves things along. The characters stand out as real, distinct individuals. You especially do a good job introducing Danni and Byron with strong visuals. Also, it's always nice to see a story with a strong regional setting. It lends authenticity, and it's not the usual LA or New York setting.
The one problem I had while reading it was that The Girl's flashbacks with Walter in the middle were confusing and it wasn't till later when she explained it all to Danni that they made some sense.
It was after reading the script that I had other problems that you may find subjective, but I'll tell you anyway. First, I was really interested in Danni's story. I thought this would be about her getting involved in solving the case, maybe biting off more than she can chew, and then in the end coming through. When you started introducing elements of the government conspiracy angle, I felt like this really vivid character was being robbed of her story and the plot was going off the rails. I think this was because you waited too long to introduce the conspiracy angle and it felt like an unwanted distraction. Maybe you should make it clear in a new opening sequence that there's some sort of X-Files-ish thing going on here (that is, unless you want to take the radical step of taking out all the ESP brain-chip stuff and have it just be about Danni solving a vicious killing spree like I described above).
Also, in the end when The Instructor is torturing Danni with the remote, um, he's clearly the bad guy here. When she has that little smile at the end and says "Sure," does that mean she'll have fun killing him or working for him? It's not clear, or maybe I just don't want to believe that Danni would so easily bend to the will of a sadistic psychopath. read -
A review of Uluruby Daniel D on 11/29/2007Um, where's act 3? In other words, I don't this is really ready to be shown to anyone. Alex isn't so much as a character as a plot device. I saw very little depth in him. Besides that, you have a lot of characters who come and go but who don't really have much interesting going for them. And lastly, as far as spelling and grammar go, this is quite sloppily written. On... Um, where's act 3? In other words, I don't this is really ready to be shown to anyone. Alex isn't so much as a character as a plot device. I saw very little depth in him. Besides that, you have a lot of characters who come and go but who don't really have much interesting going for them. And lastly, as far as spelling and grammar go, this is quite sloppily written.
On the postive side, this is a complex, fast moving plot. It's very frenetic, which I didn't have a problem with. I just think you need better drawn characters to help make sense of it all. All throughout, I really didn't understand what the stakes were. There were references to the end of the world, but it never came through clearly to me.
Back to the beginning, if you can introduce the story without a narrator, do it. Or maybe have one of the characters narrate. I think having a generic narrator is a bad idea. Also, you don't need to put "continued" at the end and beginning of every page on a spec script.
On page 10 you have Lisa seeing the helicopter and the crew saying they've been compromised, but seeing a helicopter in LA is like seeing birds fly. It's a common thing.
I really didn't understand Julie turning sympathetic to Alex. One minute she thinks he's a terrorist and the next minute she's helping him because she sees that he loves his father and she really hates Judas? It seemed far-fetched. read -
A review of SLOWBOKENby Daniel D on 08/20/2007It's hard to talk about this in a real concise way. I feel like it was either so brilliant it went over my head or it was a muddled mess. Ultimately it came together in the end somewhat, but in an unsatisfying way. For Randolph and Dr. Mahamadi to be holding McCarthur all those years like that seemed way too macabre. It was a revelation out of the blue, it didn't fit Randolph's... It's hard to talk about this in a real concise way. I feel like it was either so brilliant it went over my head or it was a muddled mess. Ultimately it came together in the end somewhat, but in an unsatisfying way. For Randolph and Dr. Mahamadi to be holding McCarthur all those years like that seemed way too macabre. It was a revelation out of the blue, it didn't fit Randolph's character up till then. Sure he was capable of having a dark side, but there wasn't anything in the script up to that point that indicated he'd be so extreme. Also, Oliver's nature is made unclear by the ending. All along we're led to believe he is a force of evil, and then in the end he provides Figgis with peace of mind? This left me confused. What was his true nature? Who was he really?
One thing you do right from the beginning is establish tone and atmosphere. It's very eerie from the first page. You get a sense of menace in the air. The dialogue contributes to the tone as well. It had a hard-boiled edge to it that worked well. I felt the characters were distinct and interesting, too, although there were a lot of character introductions to deal with in the first ten pages.
Which brings me to the criticism I had while reading the bulk of the screenplay. There wasn't enough holding the plot together. It was like looking at a jigsaw puzzle where all the pieces were almost fitting together but not quite. I know, not very concise. The reason for this I think is the absence of foreshadowing. I wanted to see hints of what was to come, hints of what the story was really supposed to be about. Was it Randolph's story or Figgis'? Was it about Figgis' guilt over his daughter or Randolph's guilt over his wife? It was hard to tell as I was reading.
One last note, I didn't get who Angela was. Was that your original name for Sara's character and you just forgot to change all the text? If it was a different character then I missed something.
Good luck with this. read -
A review of A Mighty Chingby Daniel D on 08/15/2007I could talk all about the characters and the dialogue and the structure, but what this script boils down to is a weak concept. There's not a lot at stake in the story until Satan shows up and makes deals, and even that seems too much like a gimmick, something the writer pulled out of the air to give it a feature-length plot. As far as changing and stengthening the concept,... I could talk all about the characters and the dialogue and the structure, but what this script boils down to is a weak concept. There's not a lot at stake in the story until Satan shows up and makes deals, and even that seems too much like a gimmick, something the writer pulled out of the air to give it a feature-length plot. As far as changing and stengthening the concept, I think you need to establish the supernatural element into the story practically from the beginning. In the script as it is now, it comes in too much out of the blue.
As far as the characters go, I didn't like them at first, being basically losers, but after a few pages they won me over. People might tell you Feedback is a cliche as a "wigger," but I think it works. The dialogue is passable to pretty good, again though, there aren't a lot of stakes and they're pretty thin as the story goes on.
There were a couple of points where the characters were not believable. On pages 48-52, there's not enough established between Noam and Bernadette for them to be talking like this. They're arguing like they already have a relationship. Second, Preston's change of heart on the bottom of page 82 is pretty sudden.
As far as establishing the supernatural element, maybe you could have a "History of the World Part I"-style prologue, something really bombastic and silly and that would set the tone. Just an idea I thought I'd throw out. Good luck with it. read -
A review of Twists Of Fateby Daniel D on 10/29/2006For a story that mostly took place between two characters in an apartment, this went at a fast pace. It's interesting that you portrayed characters older in age than we see in the usual Hollywood fare, and this adds a lot of credibility to their actions, i.e Lee and Joey's fledgling friendship. You do a good job establishing a gritty reality from the beginning on. I though... For a story that mostly took place between two characters in an apartment, this went at a fast pace. It's interesting that you portrayed characters older in age than we see in the usual Hollywood fare, and this adds a lot of credibility to their actions, i.e Lee and Joey's fledgling friendship.
You do a good job establishing a gritty reality from the beginning on. I though the cemetery scene was disarmingly touching. Everything is well setup for when Joey takes Lee hostage, and this is where the real challenge comes. You really walk a tightrope with their relationship. I'm not sure it's always successful. There were a few light-comedy moments that didn't feel right. Maybe you could go for something more raw between them, something like when Joey was talking to the headstone. Something more confessional. Then we might see a real intimacy develop between them that I think would be better earned.
As for the ending, I didn't see why it was necessary for Billy to be killed, except to fulfill some audience-expected notion of karma. I would have preferred the ending linger on Lee and her tragedy, something less neatly resolved. This story had real pull, and an ending that fully focused on Lee would better punctuate that. read -
A review of Deathwatch (latest)by Daniel D on 10/22/2006First of all, you do a great job in putting the audience immediately in the action. The setting/locations are very vivid. The dialogue is colorful and surprisingly authentic. One inconsistency in the beginning: William is shown in the Vanguard's brig and then later in the same sequence, in the Deathwatch's brig. Though this is a well-crafted script with a tight plot, my... First of all, you do a great job in putting the audience immediately in the action. The setting/locations are very vivid. The dialogue is colorful and surprisingly authentic. One inconsistency in the beginning: William is shown in the Vanguard's brig and then later in the same sequence, in the Deathwatch's brig.
Though this is a well-crafted script with a tight plot, my problem with this script is, what's special about these people? Why should I identify with any of them? I felt a lack of empathy toward these characters, and as the screenplay went on, it deflated somewhat from the experience. I don't feel the characters sustained the excitement that was established in the first act.
Perhaps contributing to this is that, though this takes place almost entirely on one ship, there's not much sense of what daily life was like for the crew. There's also very little back-story established, as far as aspects that would make us care about the characters.
You definitely have the makings of a good script here. Your writing has that "jumps off the page" quality. If you can give the characters more depth in a way that gets the audience more involved in their fates, then this would be much improved. read -
A review of The Alien Diaries (rv 4)by Daniel D on 08/07/2006This was a well written script. In particular, you do a good job in juggling the dual plots of the past and present. You also do a good job establishing the setting in the past, but I was confused in the beginning of the script about the setting of the present. Was it in a city? A suburb? What was the time, and place? You should be more explicit about that in the beginning... This was a well written script. In particular, you do a good job in juggling the dual plots of the past and present. You also do a good job establishing the setting in the past, but I was confused in the beginning of the script about the setting of the present. Was it in a city? A suburb? What was the time, and place? You should be more explicit about that in the beginning.
Colin's and Maddy's characters were handled nicely, although their backstories were a little cliched. I don't have any specific suggestions to change this, but it might be something to think about. Their dialogue and interplay was done well.
About the past part of the story, one suggestion you might want to consider is to have Bronte appear as human from the beginning and to only reveal his true appearance later on. The reason I say this is because I think it strains the characters' credibility to have this alien being in front of them and not be totally freaked out by it. Perhaps it would be more effective dramatically to have him be this outsider who's truth is slowly revealed, to the family and to the audience.
I liked the last line about the stars. read
Comments About Daniel D 7
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Jordan Ray Allen on 08/18/2010
Daniel,
Last night, I accidentally sent my review incomplete. Needless to say I'm upset about it. Triggerstreet doesn't let you go back in and delete it. So, I felt it fair to still give you the proper review for "The Mystery Of Caterpillars".
First and foremost, why the title? I didn't get it.
As for the story, I LOVED IT. It was a fast read even at 110 pages. We can chock that up to good writing. During my reads I sometimes take notes. Hopefully some of my suggestions can help you should you plan to do a rewrite at any point.
NOTES
Page. 20 "I'll lie in wait..." (Think you meant "I'll lie AND wait...)
Page. 24 "Tommy and Lucy look at each other".
LUCY
High school.
TOMMY
(simultaneous)
College.
I understand what you were going for. There is a proper way to make this happen. It's called DUAL DIALOGUE.
I use Movie Magic Screenwriter. I'm not sure what software you use, but in mine, you would place the cursor anywhere in Lucy's dialog...
Then go to FORMAT > CHANGE ELEMENT TYPE > LEFT COLUMN
It'll shift her name and dialog to the left.
Follow the steps again for Tommy, instead, click RIGHT COLUMN.
In the program Tommy's name and dialog will shift to the right, but still be beneath Lucy's. However, when you export to PDF it'll read properly side by side.
I did some leg work in case you use Final Draft.
The way it works is HIGHLIGHT both of their chunks of dialogue TOGETHER. And after both of their bits are highlighted, pull down the drop-down box for "FORMAT" and then click "DUAL DIALOGUE." And THAT will set their two bits of dialogue side by side.
Hope this helps.
Page 46. I was kind of hoping for some suspense at the border. You had the chance, but didn't take it. :(
Page 47. HA HA! I take it all back!! Remind me to never doubt you again. lol :)
Page 49. Wait! What? I know Tommy is a junky, so he's the last person you would think of when it comes to logical decisions. However, I'm not buying him stopping so he and his lady can bailar in the streets of Mexico.
Little Jimmy is DEADLY SERIOUS. A job needs to be done and there is no time for this kind of behavior. Not to mention, leaving the truck unattended? HUH? BIG no no. Know what I'm saying?
Page 56.
"TOMMY
When I see Little Jimmy again, I am
gonna fuck him over so bad."
Sounds kind of weak for a guy who almost got killed in a set up. Tommy should be livid and short. Example:
LUCY
They were gonna kill us!
TOMMY
And I'm gonna fucking kill Jimmy!
If you like the line, then from me to you.
Page 66. "... all OF a
sudden...
(OF is missing.)
Page 69.
"TOMMY
Lucy, Lucy, come on, don't spoil
it."
I would cut that all together. I think it would flow better if he just wrapped the arm around her and continued with the other piece of dialogue.
Page 72.
"LITTLE JIMMY
Goodbye."
You may wanna cut that as well. Tough guys don't say goodbye in movies. They just hang up.
Page 89. I'm curious, does everyone in the script say "Geez"? LOL. For some reason I think that word sullies up a script with tough characters. I can't help but think of Rick Moranis and Steve Urkel whenever the the word is spoke.
Page 98.
"TOMMY
What do you wanna do? Say hello to
the world with only the clothes on
our backs? It's a hundred thousand
big ones. It's dangling right in
front of us."
I really like that dialogue!
Page 106.
"LITTLE JIMMY
You too, asshole!"
I literally laughed out loud. Jimmy is one funny character.
That aside, good script! I'm curious, are you a fan of the show "WEEDS". I couldn't but think that this script was inspired by a couple of the episodes (ex. Truck being stuffed with drugs in the garage with the lifting gate, Mexican border to cross. Hell, the character of Little Jimmy reminded of a character on Weeds named U-Turn. lol)
I might be WAAAAAY off. But it was just a thought that came to me.
By the way, I put Jason Statham in my head as Tommy. It made the character all the more cool to read. : )
Just one question about the ending. Was Lucy serious about leaving Tommy. After all they've been through? Is she really calling it quits, or was she shining him on, given the weary smile. Or was that weary smile a realization that she was about to experience true freedom?
Good luck with this script!
Jordan -
tishanddavid on 06/21/2010
Hey, Dan. Thanks for your input on THE COPY MACHINE. Funny how you mentioned the glut of Jesus references. WIthout even doing it intentionally, Tisha and I always manage to include him in everything we do. He is, after all, a pretty popular fictional character ...
Anyway, keep in touch. We look forward to reading your work.
David -
Phil Johnson on 05/08/2010
Thanks for your review of The Untapped Genius Of Juan Rodriguez, appreciate your time and the positive feedback.
Kind regards
Phil Johnson -
Lexey on 09/22/2009
Just wanted to say thank you for the review of "Love Me Dead." I appreciate the feedback.
I don't know what drives women to take babies like that (steal them from the womb), but I'd guess when it does happen, it is unexpected behavior.
Thanks again,
Alexis -
jwest on 09/18/2009
Hiya. Many thanks for the read and review of Switcher.
Understand your concerns, and know it needs a total rewrite. Appreciate your notes, which will help.
Cheers. -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/01/2008
Thanks very much for your detailed review of my screenplay "Stunners".
Dave -
dbialy on 12/02/2007
Needed to wait a while after reading your review of my 'Uluru', before acknowledging your contribution.
It was painful to read it, but I sort of expected some backlash for posting 'broken in half' script. Just tried to test if it would make any sense, or evoke any interest in other readers. Obviously it didn't. Back to drawing board.
Thanks again for your comments.
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Comments About Daniel D 7
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Daniel,
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Hey, Dan. Thanks for your input on THE COPY MACHINE. Funny how you mentioned the glut of Jesus references. WIthout even doing it intentionally, Tisha and I always manage to include him in everything we do. He is, after all, a pretty popular fictional character ...
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Thanks for your review of The Untapped Genius Of Juan Rodriguez, appreciate your time and the positive feedback.
+ more commentsJordan Ray Allen on 08/18/2010
Last night, I accidentally sent my review incomplete. Needless to say I'm upset about it. Triggerstreet doesn't let you go back in and delete it. So, I felt it fair to still give you the proper review for "The Mystery Of Caterpillars".
First and foremost, why the title? I didn't get it.
As for the story, I LOVED IT. It was a fast read even at 110 pages. We can chock that up to good writing. During my reads I sometimes take notes. Hopefully some of my suggestions can help you should you plan to do a rewrite at any point.
NOTES
Page. 20 "I'll lie in wait..." (Think you meant "I'll lie AND wait...)
Page. 24 "Tommy and Lucy look at each other".
LUCY
High school.
TOMMY
(simultaneous)
College.
I understand what you were going for. There is a proper way to make this happen. It's called DUAL DIALOGUE.
I use Movie Magic Screenwriter. I'm not sure what software you use, but in mine, you would place the cursor anywhere in Lucy's dialog...
Then go to FORMAT > CHANGE ELEMENT TYPE > LEFT COLUMN
It'll shift her name and dialog to the left.
Follow the steps again for Tommy, instead, click RIGHT COLUMN.
In the program Tommy's name and dialog will shift to the right, but still be beneath Lucy's. However, when you export to PDF it'll read properly side by side.
I did some leg work in case you use Final Draft.
The way it works is HIGHLIGHT both of their chunks of dialogue TOGETHER. And after both of their bits are highlighted, pull down the drop-down box for "FORMAT" and then click "DUAL DIALOGUE." And THAT will set their two bits of dialogue side by side.
Hope this helps.
Page 46. I was kind of hoping for some suspense at the border. You had the chance, but didn't take it. :(
Page 47. HA HA! I take it all back!! Remind me to never doubt you again. lol :)
Page 49. Wait! What? I know Tommy is a junky, so he's the last person you would think of when it comes to logical decisions. However, I'm not buying him stopping so he and his lady can bailar in the streets of Mexico.
Little Jimmy is DEADLY SERIOUS. A job needs to be done and there is no time for this kind of behavior. Not to mention, leaving the truck unattended? HUH? BIG no no. Know what I'm saying?
Page 56.
"TOMMY
When I see Little Jimmy again, I am
gonna fuck him over so bad."
Sounds kind of weak for a guy who almost got killed in a set up. Tommy should be livid and short. Example:
LUCY
They were gonna kill us!
TOMMY
And I'm gonna fucking kill Jimmy!
If you like the line, then from me to you.
Page 66. "... all OF a
sudden...
(OF is missing.)
Page 69.
"TOMMY
Lucy, Lucy, come on, don't spoil
it."
I would cut that all together. I think it would flow better if he just wrapped the arm around her and continued with the other piece of dialogue.
Page 72.
"LITTLE JIMMY
Goodbye."
You may wanna cut that as well. Tough guys don't say goodbye in movies. They just hang up.
Page 89. I'm curious, does everyone in the script say "Geez"? LOL. For some reason I think that word sullies up a script with tough characters. I can't help but think of Rick Moranis and Steve Urkel whenever the the word is spoke.
Page 98.
"TOMMY
What do you wanna do? Say hello to
the world with only the clothes on
our backs? It's a hundred thousand
big ones. It's dangling right in
front of us."
I really like that dialogue!
Page 106.
"LITTLE JIMMY
You too, asshole!"
I literally laughed out loud. Jimmy is one funny character.
That aside, good script! I'm curious, are you a fan of the show "WEEDS". I couldn't but think that this script was inspired by a couple of the episodes (ex. Truck being stuffed with drugs in the garage with the lifting gate, Mexican border to cross. Hell, the character of Little Jimmy reminded of a character on Weeds named U-Turn. lol)
I might be WAAAAAY off. But it was just a thought that came to me.
By the way, I put Jason Statham in my head as Tommy. It made the character all the more cool to read. : )
Just one question about the ending. Was Lucy serious about leaving Tommy. After all they've been through? Is she really calling it quits, or was she shining him on, given the weary smile. Or was that weary smile a realization that she was about to experience true freedom?
Good luck with this script!
Jordan
tishanddavid on 06/21/2010
Anyway, keep in touch. We look forward to reading your work.
David
Phil Johnson on 05/08/2010
Kind regards
Phil Johnson