danjama

A review of Nice Boy

by danjama on 07/11/2010

This story reminded me very much of Holden Caulfield in "Catcher In The Rye", and could almost be an excerpt from a follow on. That is, until it takes the unexpected dark turn. I could never imagine Holden doing this, even with all of his adolescent anguish and confusion. Where the hell did that come from? There is absolutely no clues dropped, to tell us that something like... This story reminded me very much of Holden Caulfield in "Catcher In The Rye", and could almost be an excerpt from a follow on. That is, until it takes the unexpected dark turn. I could never imagine Holden doing this, even with all of his adolescent anguish and confusion. Where the hell did that come from? There is absolutely no clues dropped, to tell us that something like this might be coming! I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, just that it was a surprise. Normally we have a few little hints dropped that the character might not be all there. Either that, or take it even more the other way. Make him seem like an absolute saint, and then it will be even more of a surprise. At the moment, he seems kind of neutral until the event.

It's quite telling about the period in which it's set - I'm sure rich boys would routinely get away with moves like this back in the 50's, before people became more open with rape crime. It's almost stereotypical.

I was sad to see how this went, because I really liked the narrator at the beginning and almost felt sorry for him. He seems very naive and unsure of himself. Also, because the girl seemed like such a bitch, I felt very little sympathy for her being violated. Does that make me cold? I disliked her for embarassing him about his erection, but then I remember the age difference - he being 22 and she being 15 - of course she is probably going to laugh at it, what did he expect? I reckon this dude just takes out minors because they're easy to violate. Maybe he does it regularly. Then I felt more sympathetic towards her.

When I think about her parents, I wonder about why you made her father so indifferent towards her actions and almost resentful of him - he's obviously jealous that he's been born into a rich family. if the father resents the boy, wouldn't he be more cautious of him taking out his daughter? I totally understand the mother being cool with it, because she thinks he's the perfect boy, but the father seems like he would be more cautious.

On the technical side, I couldn't see any real issues with spelling, grammar or punctuation. I did spot the Y missing from every on page 3. The tempo is good, and I liked the detailed description. The main character intrigues me, and I would read more about him, given the opportunity.

Thanks for the read! Good luck with your future writing. read

Lovely tale

A review of Flamingo Plaza

by danjama on 07/11/2010

First, I'll get this off my chest - You don't know how much of a pleasure and relief it is to read a short story by someone who has a clear grasp on sentence structure, and how it can be used to control the tempo and emotion of a paragraph. This was the first thing I noticed. This is a big thing for me, and it made the story so much more pleasurable to read. This is really... read

YAGFM

A review of Selling the Void

by danjama on 06/18/2010

That stands for, you're a good film-maker. I really enjoyed this short film. The concept is fresh, yet ludicrous, and offers maximum comedy value. The film had a very genuine documentary feel to it; the quick-zoom to catch Scotty's reactions, for example. The soundtrack went very well with it, and the sound quality was excellent. The whole piece was technically sound. I... read

Excellent, involving screenplay.

A review of Through Wind and Water

by danjama on 06/04/2010

First of all, i'm sorry I took so long to read and review this screenplay. It deserved a much more urgent response, but lately, with my girlfriends birthday and looking for work, i've been a bit lazy with my assignments. So here it is. I kept quite detailed notes throughout, so I'll list those after my actual review. One of the main issues with this screenplay was that it... read

Needs work.

A review of A Dangerous Mind

by danjama on 04/28/2010

I liked the concept, but I felt you didn't do the story justice. Though well written, it could be better. I did enjoy it, but sometimes your descriptions are lacking. The main character needs more of a background. He needs to be given more depth and dimension. More details. How did it get to this point in his life exactly? What was his life like before? Errors: "turned into... read

Brilliant.

A review of Annotated Edition

by danjama on 04/28/2010

I honestly don't think I can say anything that will improve this short story. It was polluted with too much dialogue, but my criticism is diluted and unimportant as this is acknowledged in the story itself. That was my only gripe. Too much dialogue is boring and tedious. However, I loved this short story. It's funny, edgy and clever. The notes were a particular source of... read

Very enjoyable!

A review of The Wrong Day

by danjama on 04/25/2010

I liked this story. I felt an immediate connection to the characters' situation, and the writing was good enough to sustain that connection for the duration. The climax was word perfect. My neck hairs stood up as I realised the triumph I was witnessing. A small moment of justice for a downtrodden man. It could be me, you, or anybody else at the centre of this story. I found... read

Good.

A review of Breakdown

by danjama on 04/20/2010

First of all, I wont say anything about the annoyingly loud background noise (oh wait, I just did), as I did try to ignore it and focus on the acting, dialogue and story. It's fairly low concept. This guy and girl (I think brother and sister) are travelling to LA so she can further her acting career, but they break down and in frustration he forces some hurtful truths upon... read

Not bad (contains spoilers).

A review of Blockhouse Blues and the Elmore Beast

by danjama on 03/30/2010

What can i say about this screenplay? I noticed a few mistakes along the way, notably sometimes not giving a full slugline, sometimes including dialogue with the prose rather than giving a character heading, and telling us what the characters are thinking in the prose, which is a no-no ("Brian shakes his head in disbelied. Not worth it"). It's the not worth it part that shouldn't... read

Overall, 7/10.

A review of Sign Here

by danjama on 02/13/2010

Although the story/genre is not what i usually go for, i did end up enjoying this, and it gave me a few laughs. I found the pace was good. The characters and their backgrounds were all distinctive enough. To be honest, the start was too slow for me and i almost never read it. The whole idea of her being with the card reader bored me and i almost quit it, but luckily i stayed... read

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