David Muhlfelder

A review of The Ugly

by David Muhlfelder on 05/14/2013

I have mixed feelings about this script. I liked the characters, especially the dynamic between Frank, Agnes and George King. I did care about what happened to these people. But I had a hard time seeing this story on the screen. Structurally, this felt more like an outline for a novel rather than a film. By that I mean it felt like the highlights of a larger, more detailed... read

We're No Angels

A review of The Angeleno (r)

by David Muhlfelder on 04/30/2013

Jose, thank you for one of the smoothest and easiest reads I've had in quite some time. The pacing and flow was excellent. The world you created was vivid and easy to visualize. And the characters who populated it, especially Brogan and Capella, were distinctive and real. The dialogue read very natural, and avoided being on the nose or overly expository. The story was nothing... read

Made Me Want To Howl

A review of Wolf

by David Muhlfelder on 04/23/2013

When I saw the dense blocks of descriptive text, I thought about deleting this assignment, but I decided to give it a go. I should've gone with my initial instincts. I'm sure you've heard this from other reviewers, but it bears repeating. You need to condense these long blocks of description into two or three lines tops. They need to be written in active voice. Don't begin... When I saw the dense blocks of descriptive text, I thought about deleting this assignment, but I decided to give it a go. I should've gone with my initial instincts. I'm sure you've heard this from other reviewers, but it bears repeating. You need to condense these long blocks of description into two or three lines tops. They need to be written in active voice. Don't begin descriptions with phrases like Standing up, Turning around etc. Just write the basic action. The reader will know from that whether a character stood up or turned around first. Leave out camera angles. Let the director worry about that. As is, if this script was written like a proper screenplay, it would come in below the 90 page minimum. Read an action driven script like "Air Force One" to see how succinctly the writer describes the action.

The script feels like it has no first act. We don't really get to know Wolf before he escapes. Why would he be transferred to Attica? He's incarcerated in a western state. Attica is a NY State prison. It only houses criminals who committed crimes in NY State. If Wolf is a federal prisoner, it needs to be made clearer. And even then, if he were transferred it would be to another federal facility like Super Max in Colorado. This was just the first of many contrivances that made your entire premise impossible for me to buy into.

Your characters are all pretty one-dimensional. John was almost cartoonish. As warden he would not be involved in the manhunt except maybe as an observer. And neither would the prison guards. Max's problems with his wife were never really developed to the point where they presented any real obstacle to his doing his job. Either make it a serious problem for him or just drop it. I understand that Wolf has never driven, but he must have seen guns in his life. The whole sequence where he teaches himself to use a gun just didn't ring true. Dixie didn't have any real character arc. Considering what she had just been through when Wolf found her, she seemed to fall in line way too easily. As much as I enjoy gratuitous sex, the sex scene between her and Wolf felt shoe-horned into the story. All I could think about was how bad both of them must have smelled at that point. And like everything else it was overwritten.

The last 25 pages is a text book example of a writer forcing his characters to behave in ways that will yield a pre-determined result, regardless of whether or not its consistent with the internal logic of the story. The scene where Wolf runs the police barricade is just ludicrous. They're in the middle of the desert. Why head straight for the cops? Better to have them chase after him. But that's nothing compared to your ending. First, Why is Max intercepting them single-handedly? That makes no sense and wouldn't happen in any real world. Then he lets them go after Dixie kills John???? He even leaves Dixie with a first aid kit. I guess he doesn't care about his FBI career.

One minor note. You describe a clerk entering data into a word processor and phone banks. Is this a period piece from the 80s? Sorry to say it, but this script just isn't a particularly well thought out or plotted story. It reads like outtakes from "The Fugitive." Good luck with your revisions. read

Tasty Broth Could Use A Little More Meat

A review of Soup Sandwich

by David Muhlfelder on 03/12/2013

I liked a lot of things about this script. It was well written. You create a vivid world, populated by multi-dimensional characters. I liked the way the original songs revealed character and felt organic to the story. It was all very easy to visualize. I kept picturing Jessica Chastain as Ruby. I know what you're thinking. There's a "but" in there. Well, yes and no. The script... I liked a lot of things about this script. It was well written. You create a vivid world, populated by multi-dimensional characters. I liked the way the original songs revealed character and felt organic to the story. It was all very easy to visualize. I kept picturing Jessica Chastain as Ruby.

I know what you're thinking. There's a "but" in there. Well, yes and no. The script had a real indie feel. It was loaded with atmosphere, but I felt it was a little thin in the story department. A big part of that has to do with Ruby's character. I was never quite sure what it was she wanted. I assume it was to make it on her own as a singer/songwriter, but she came off as a bit passive. I never saw her fighting for what she wanted. A perfect example was when she got her big solo opportunity, and it turned out to be a set up for Pecker's marriage proposal. I was furious for her, but she just seemed to shrug it off. That was a potential turning point for her and her relationship with Pecker, but it felt like you danced around it rather than deal with it head on.

Ruby's relationship with Levi presented a nice contrast to her relationship with Pecker. But beyond the potential for a fight breaking out between Levi and Pecker, I never really felt that it posed any kind of threat or jeopardy for Ruby. It just felt like, no matter what happened, she would wind up with one of them. Of course, we hope it's Levi, but that's just a standard plot device in any romantic comedy. But if her relationship with both men represents a threat or digression from her own goals, then you have some dramatic tension. It's no longer just about who will she pick, but can she find a balance between her own needs and desires and the two men who want her.

I liked your last scene a lot. But if Ruby had been more of an equal match for Pecker and Levi all along, I think it would have packed even more of a punch. My overall advice, therefore, would be to focus on ways to get Ruby to that point on her own, rather than being taken there. Nice work and good luck. read

Uncowed

A review of The Holstein Epiphany

by David Muhlfelder on 03/04/2013

This was a very well written screenplay. Baylor and the supporting characters are all very well drawn. The dialogue feels very authentic to the world the characters inhabit. Overall, it's a quick read. I don't have a lot in the way of suggestions, but here's a few things to consider. I was a little thrown by Baylor's metamorphisis into a full fledged serial killer. His run-in... This was a very well written screenplay. Baylor and the supporting characters are all very well drawn. The dialogue feels very authentic to the world the characters inhabit. Overall, it's a quick read. I don't have a lot in the way of suggestions, but here's a few things to consider.

I was a little thrown by Baylor's metamorphisis into a full fledged serial killer. His run-in with Charlie Moon did not strike me as the epiphany you intended. He seemed somewhat justified in fighting back against Charlie, and the killing came off as accidental. Then, the next thing you know, he's on a spree. It felt like you were missing some transitional beats between his confrontation with Charlie and his becoming God's agent of vengeance. I also felt the killing of Randy and Breckinridge seemed a little out of character. True, Randy was a philanderer, but it didn't seem like it was something that was wrong enough to trigger Baylor's homicidal instincts, especially since it didn't affect Baylor personally. Likewise, the killing of David came off more like sour grapes over his success in the wake of Baylor's firing, than from any convoluted sense of justice.

As noted above, the writing is really strong, so what follows is purely my personal preference. I'm all for using colorful verbs to help us visualize the story, but I did feel you went a little overboard at the beginning of the script. I prefer clean and simple when introducing a setting for my story, and then breaking out the colorful verbs later on when the mood is really key to the action. Things like "signs pock-mark..." "Dust films..." are great for novels, but I found them a little distracting as I tried to get into the world you were creating. But again, there's nothing wrong with the way you did it. I just prefer "Dust covers..." to "Dust films..." I want to think about the world I'm in, not how poetically it's described.

I think of all the areas you might want to play around with, your structure is probably a little problematic because of the flashbacks and flashforwards. Reading it, I was never confused, but you didn't always identify a time shift with a SUPER. I could see how a viewer might get lost, especially with so many flashbacks. Maybe there's a way to consolidate some of the flashbacks, so that there's less time shifting, and a steadier pace to your final scene. And I wish you hadn't revealed Baylor's fate in a V.O. so early on. I felt it was a little manipulative..

That's really all I have for you. It was a pleasure to read your work. Good luck with this. read

Vampires Of The Caribbean

A review of Scarlet Seas

by David Muhlfelder on 02/12/2013

This was so much fun. You took the well worn vampire genre, and put a totally original spin on it. The result was a real page turner. I'm afraid I won't be of much help to you as far as suggestions. Suffice it to say that I'm not a huge horror or swashbuckling fan, but this mash up of those two genres really hooked me. Scarlet is a great character. She is at once sexy and... This was so much fun. You took the well worn vampire genre, and put a totally original spin on it. The result was a real page turner. I'm afraid I won't be of much help to you as far as suggestions. Suffice it to say that I'm not a huge horror or swashbuckling fan, but this mash up of those two genres really hooked me.

Scarlet is a great character. She is at once sexy and scary. She gives a new meaning to the term femme fatale. What works so well about her is the fact that I never thought for a moment that there was no possibility she could win. Right up to the end, I felt the final outcome was in doubt. Alana is formidable as well, but there were times I felt she was outclassed by Scarlet. Smartly, once she teamed up with Ash, it seemed like a fair fight. Your supporting characters, particularly Frost and Gash, were all well drawn and distinctive.

Your structure and pacing were spot on. Action lines were clear and to the point, all the more impressive as this story is so heavily action driven. In addition, the set pieces did not feel repetitive. Every fight and battle had its own unique feel to it.
I also love the globetrotting feel to the story. You cover a lot of ground in the course of the story, which really heightened the sense that we are on a big adventure.

I was almost relieved to find a mistake late in the story, just so I would have something to critique. Scarlett refers to Alana at one point as Ms. Illsbrook. Ms. was a word created by Gloria Steinem in the 1970's. Since Scarlet has already referred to Hans as Herr Von Illsbrook, why not refer to his daughter as Fraulein. The only other thing that bothered me a little was that you used different names for the same characters in your descriptions towards the end. It threw me that you would refer to Guevarra as Hector and Ash as Robert or even Captain Ash. I would try to stick with the same name throughout for the sake of clarity. I loved the figurehead at the end. Nice touch. The Frenchman at the end was a bit of a cliche, but who cares?

Sorry I don't have any mind blowing insights to offer, but that's just a testament to your skill as a storyteller. Thanks for a thoroughly enjoyable read. read

Grobo Calling

A review of Hospital For The Good

by David Muhlfelder on 12/19/2012

I was a bit underwhelmed by this script. It's not because it was badly written, it's not. I just felt it read like a mashup of two completely different and incompatible genres. It started out as pretty straight forward drama about a struggling hospital in sub-Saharan Africa, before making a major tonal shift into a Frankenstein-like horror story. Even before the big reveal... I was a bit underwhelmed by this script. It's not because it was badly written, it's not. I just felt it read like a mashup of two completely different and incompatible genres. It started out as pretty straight forward drama about a struggling hospital in sub-Saharan Africa, before making a major tonal shift into a Frankenstein-like horror story. Even before the big reveal that occurred about two thirds of the way through, I found the story to be unfocused.

I had a hard time deciding whose story it was. Eliza seemed the natural protagonist, but she was so passive for the first two thirds of the story. Her baby delivery notwithstanding, she seemed to be esily manipulated by either Zeisner or Bernard at any given point. She even seemed to disappear from the story for awhile toward the end of act II. This made her third act heroics seem a bit out of character. Even then, the way she acted in the final showdown with Zeisner telegraphed the final twist.

Similarly, I couldn't tell whether Zeisner or Bernard was the antagonist prior to the aforementioned reveal. They both seemed to have less than pure motives, coupled with a common sexist attitude toward Eliza. Frankly, I was rooting against everyone. Steven was the only character I found remotely sympathetic. I was at least able to relate to his split loyalties. He had some depth in contrast to Zeisner, who came off as a cliche. The minute he stated to Bernard that he was Jewish, I knew where you were going with him.

The only surprise about the big reveal was how implausible it felt, even for a horror film. A similar twist occurred in "Being John Malkovich" (Without the horror element). But in that film we felt that everything that occurred beforehand was leading up to that moment. Here, with the exception of Steven's "fever dream", nothing that preceded the twist felt like a set up after the reveal. It just felt like you slammed the brakes on one story and started another. One minor note, Wiener schnitzel is breaded veal cutlet, not sausage, so Zeisner's line to Eliza made no sense.

The dialogue, aside from the Wiener schnitzel line wasn't bad. The description was clear, but a tad overwritten for my taste with a few unfilmmables. For the sake of pacing, I would try to make the action lines tighter and more concise. Good luck with it. read

Back To School

A review of OLD ROTHBERGHIAN

by David Muhlfelder on 11/29/2012

I just wrote this entire review and lost it while posting it. I really admire your writing an entire screenplay in a language that's not your native tongue, especially one as complex as English. I struggle with the English language, and it's the only one I speak. That being said, the script is nowhere near presentable either to industry professionals or for competition. The... I just wrote this entire review and lost it while posting it. I really admire your writing an entire screenplay in a language that's not your native tongue, especially one as complex as English. I struggle with the English language, and it's the only one I speak. That being said, the script is nowhere near presentable either to industry professionals or for competition.

The script reads like you wrote it in Spanish, then ran it through Google Translate. There are many misused words, especially prepositions. The action lines and dialogue all sound alike. I was able to decipher the meaning of the description and dialogue, but you want the reader engaged in the story, not trying to figure out what you actually mean. I'm still confused by what you meant by huts. To me, huts are small, primnitive sleeping quarters at summer camp, not something you'd find at an exclusive prep school. It's impossible to tell who's speaking without checking character names, because all your characters speak in the same voice. I would suggest working with a native English speker to bring your descriptions and dialogue up to acceptable standards.

As for the story itself, I didn't really buy the idea that the only story Antonio could sell was a memoir. Again, it may be a language problem, but when I think of a memoir I think of the autobiography of a famous person, or a true story so unique or unusual it just has to be told. Antonio is neither famous, nor is his story of first love something that we all haven't experienced in our lives. I would either make Antonio famous, or make his and Ann's story so unique that it begs to be shared with the world. Structurally, there are no clear act breaks or specific plot points that move the action from one act to the next.

Some minor notes. You misuse CONTINUOUS throughout. It should only be used when the action continues uninterrupted from one scene to the next. Otherwise, just use DAY or NIGHT. I would use ADULT ANTONIO and ADULT ANN instead of OLD. When I read old, I think of senior citizens, not 25 year olds. Don't use specific pop song references (Classical music references are okay). You don't have the rights to these songs, and it's the director's job to decide what music to use. Just give guidelines like "an upbeat 90s rock tune" for example. I was confused by the soccer game sequence. You kept adding new scene headings instead of just indicating that it was later in the game. If the setting doesn't change, it's the same scene. The possesive form of Phyllis is Phyllis' not Phylli's.

Again, I admire what you've managed to accomplish, but there is still a great deal of work to do to bring it up to snuff. Good luck read

Down For The Count(ess)

A review of The Countess

by David Muhlfelder on 11/04/2012

I was excited to read this based on the synopsis. I love stories about outsiders who come into a situation or community, and transform the lives of the people they come into contact with. But after reading the script, I felt it never realized the potential of its premise. To begin with, you call this a screwball comedy, but it had neither the rapid fire repartee or sophisticated... I was excited to read this based on the synopsis. I love stories about outsiders who come into a situation or community, and transform the lives of the people they come into contact with. But after reading the script, I felt it never realized the potential of its premise.

To begin with, you call this a screwball comedy, but it had neither the rapid fire repartee or sophisticated silliness that marks the genre. The dialogue was perfunctory, and was too often only used for on the nose exposition and back story. The situations didn't have an escalating absurdity, and it wasn't until the reveal about the art school that the story stopped being a series of episodes and became about something needing to be done.

I think part of the problem is in the structure. The story feels like it begins at the end of the first act. I'm all in favor of getting into the scene late and out early, but the Countess' arrival feels like a payoff without a set up. I think you need to show Claude as the unifying force that keeps the lives and conflicts between George, Frank, Shayna and Jean Pierre in check, and how his death threatens to create chaos in the condo community. Then you can bring in the Countess to restore order and civility. The problem is best illustrated in the memorial reception scene when George and Frank have a fight that basically spoon feeds the back stories and exposition to the reader. We can't root for or against anyone, because we are only hearing about their conflicts and lives second hand rather than seeing it for ourselves. This is followed by too many talking head secenes between the Countess and the people who will eventually become her American family.

I thought the relationship between Frank and Shayna felt forced, again because we only heard that they were once a couple and now they weren't. The publication of Frank's book on the Code of Gentilesse also felt rushed. It seemed that almost no time elapsed between Frank beginning his research and the book being published. Also, Shayna's role in that seemed unclear. I felt the same about George and Jean Pierre's relationship. It came out of nowhere. The character of Emmanuel felt like he was tacked on just for the sake of the last scene. I still don't understand why it would be Nicholas reading his script at the end.

I felt your descriptions were overwritten. Right from the opening scene there's too much about the Air France plane flying over Miami, when the whole point is that an Air France plane lands at Miami International Airport. That's all you have to write. Let the director decide how he wants to shoot it. You also have a tendency to explain many of your action lines. For example, the whole explanation of the Bridgitte Bardot song is something an audience can't see or hear. If it's so obscure that it requires a detailed explanation, chances are it will be changed to something more commonly known. Let the characters' actions speak for themselves. Also, if you have to remind the reader who a character is, then you might want to rethink whether or not that character is really necessary. In the courtroom scene you have the judge order George to submit to "mitigation." The correct word is arbitration. Mitigation just means extenuating circumstances. You should also give the Boss a name, and establish early on that he has a pattern of taking credit for George's work. His decision to claim the designs as his firm's property is another example of a payoff without a set up. When characters speak in a foreign language, write it in italicized English, and indicate at the start of the scene or under the speaker's name that the dialogue is in French with subtitles.

The potential is there for a really chaming story. But in order for it to work you need to rethink your first act, cut way back on the descriptions and make the art school more central to the story earlier on. Good luck. read

My Name Is David And I'm A Reviewaholic

A review of Anonymous (version 2)

by David Muhlfelder on 10/22/2012

This script reads more like a stage play than a screenplay. It is heavily dialogue driven (Which I don't mind if the dialogue's great). Almost every scene has a beginning, middle and end, which is not how most screenplays work. Normally, you would join the scene at one of those points, have one key thing happen, then move on. In his excellent book "On Directing Film" (Which... This script reads more like a stage play than a screenplay. It is heavily dialogue driven (Which I don't mind if the dialogue's great). Almost every scene has a beginning, middle and end, which is not how most screenplays work. Normally, you would join the scene at one of those points, have one key thing happen, then move on. In his excellent book "On Directing Film" (Which is a great resource for writers as well as directors), David Mamet talks about getting into the scene late, and getting out early. He also talks about how the story is told in the cuts. Your scenes tend to go on so long that whatever the central point was gets lost. And much of the dialogue is on the nose or expository, such as Mandolin's explanation of the business to Stuart.

A bigger problem for me is the premise. I didn't buy the notion of for profit addiction support groups. There are dozens of free support groups available that it just doesn't seem plausible that a big conglomerate would invest in a business where many of the people are reluctant to participate to begin with. Paying for it just seems like another obstacle to treatment. Mandolin's explanation that they had the best donuts was beyond a stretch. It would make a lot more sense if the company owned rehab centers along the lines of the Betty Ford Clinic. These kinds of places attract celebrities and the wealthy, which instantly raises the financial stakes.

James is not a particularly compelling protagonist. Writers seldom are. To your credit, you give him other activities besides just trying to write. But there are way too many scenes of him sitting in front of his computer either writing or unable to write. There's also a long block of text onscreen when he finally gets inspired. You're asking an audience to do an awful lot of reading. I don't think it will play well. This is symptomatic of a larger problem with the script. It takes a very long time for very little to happen. You would be hard pressed to fill 90 pages with all the key events that unfold in the course of this story, but this script is 117 pages. You basically have James making Ted relapse, James training Stuart, James meeting Marcela, James discovers that his actions led to Marcela's rape by Ted, James making amends and selling a story, but in the end he winds up alone. It's not a bad progression of events, but I don't see it being more than 100 pages tops.

Finally, many of your action lines amount to directing the actors. It often felt like you were throwing in a direction to break up the long dialogue blocks, because most of your scenes were just talking heads. If you want to break up the dialogue, give your characters actions that reveal something counter to what they are saying, or that advance the story physically. Good luck with this. read

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