"When your life is a lie, the truth could be deadly" - A narcoleptic drifter with questionable past becomes the... more
dbialy
I currently live and work in Australia. Grew up in Poland on potatoes, Dostoevsky, Chekhov, Soviet propaganda and the Bible (ex-JW). My great counter-influence was Isaac Asimov, Kafka, Bunuel, French Cinema of the 70's and home-made apple wine. The concept of Time,...
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I currently live and work in Australia. Grew up in Poland on potatoes, Dostoevsky, Chekhov, Soviet propaganda and the Bible (ex-JW). My great counter-influence was Isaac Asimov, Kafka, Bunuel, French Cinema of the 70's and home-made apple wine. The concept of Time, Alternative Realities and the unfathomable mysteries of Human Mind has never ceased to fascinate me. The Matrix Trilogy is right up my alley, and the philosophy of Buddhism the most align with my own sense of reality. I've been writing, for a while now, mainly as a therapeutic outlet. Hope to improve sufficiently enough to eventually write a screenplay, or a novel, that could be both; thought-provoking and entertaining to the wider audience.
Submissions by dbialy
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a screenplay by dbialy
-
a short story by dbialy
A story about red roses, hot-blooded killing and a little bit of misunderstanding.
-
a screenplay by dbialy
During a top-secret Israeli operation, a small African village suddenly and mysteriously vanishes from the face... more
Reviews by dbialy 38
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A review of Silent Crashby dbialy on 10/21/2008The good news is, the story is only two pages long. The bad news: It’s two pages long. I really don’t know what to say, except perhaps that the writer clearly has passion for writing – a solid foundation to build on. It would be a good idea to start with a simple question of ‘WHAT IS MY POINT?’ It doesn’t have to be a profound one. It doesn’t have to be unique... The good news is, the story is only two pages long. The bad news: It’s two pages long.
I really don’t know what to say, except perhaps that the writer clearly has passion for writing – a solid foundation to build on.
It would be a good idea to start with a simple question of ‘WHAT IS MY POINT?’
It doesn’t have to be a profound one. It doesn’t have to be unique one either, or even worth telling. But it has to be reasonably clearly defined by the writer, to guide him in the process of writing and help focus the narrative.
Even if the quality of the prose ends up inferior and full of holes, the story will at least have some resemblance of dramatic structure.
Sorry to say that, but I find none of that in “Silent Crash”. I simply don’t get it. None of it. But it might be just me.
My suggestion is:
Just try to focus less on writing the words on paper (or screen), and more on what they could potentially evoke inside your reader’s head.
Start with something that is not cool or cute. Something that makes you cry, for example. The results could surprise you. And you have the benefit of full anonymity here.
Best of luck, and keep writing. read -
A review of The Epiphanyby dbialy on 10/21/2008No doubt the writer has a knack for writing. The clear, smooth and natural flow of thought was joy to follow. Never left me confused or unsatisfied (except for the ending). The intelligent self-deprecating humor gives the story a rare honesty in exploring the folly of human nature. If we couldn’t laugh at the main character’s shortcomings, we would be gravely offended... No doubt the writer has a knack for writing. The clear, smooth and natural flow of thought was joy to follow. Never left me confused or unsatisfied (except for the ending).
The intelligent self-deprecating humor gives the story a rare honesty in exploring the folly of human nature. If we couldn’t laugh at the main character’s shortcomings, we would be gravely offended by them. And yet, in some respects and to various degrees, he exists in all of us (at least in those who are able to recognize their own hypocrisies).
The only reservation I have, is in regard to the ending.
Are we talking here about reincarnating into a mosquito or a fly, at the instant of the main character’s death?
If that’s the case, there should be some preparatory comments about the oddness of incarnation in your narrative, for the reader to make that connection.
Or, is it just an alternative view that our consciousness wonders freely around anyway?
Personally, I was expecting the POV to be that of the main character’s head or his brain which had been separated from the rest of the body and thrown out into the field during the crash impact, along with the still attached eyeball.
I was surprised and somewhat disappointed with the ending which didn’t seem to have any internal logic governing it. Unless, of course, I’ve missed something and my own comment makes no much sense here.
In any case, the ‘epiphany’, whatever it supposed to reveal to the main character, it tickled my inner parts sufficiently enough that it made the apparent lapse of internal logic just a minor annoyance.
Great job. Good luck with it, and your other works (which I’m eager to check out). read -
A review of By The Bookby dbialy on 10/21/2008Good read. The story is twisted, witty and well structured. The sarcasm and cynicism is not in a short supply here, and the author knows how to use it (it's hard to believe such a sarcasm comes from a female's mind). At the conclusion however, the delightful irony is replaced by a serious and rational tone which, IMO, weakens the story’s overall appeal. What I like in this... Good read. The story is twisted, witty and well structured. The sarcasm and cynicism is not in a short supply here, and the author knows how to use it (it's hard to believe such a sarcasm comes from a female's mind). At the conclusion however, the delightful irony is replaced by a serious and rational tone which, IMO, weakens the story’s overall appeal.
What I like in this story the most, is the skillful employment of the three parallel threads:
1. The personal ‘struggle’ of an immature, self-pitying thirty-eight-year old loser with the emotional sensitivity of a meatball.
2. His romantic relationship with Kathy (which climaxes with the statement: “I need you to marry me. I need to live with you, in your home, under your roof… or I’ll kill myself”)
3. The brilliant meatball motif running throughout the entire story as a comic 'glue’.
There really is not much I could criticize in this story. The following are only my suggestions:
Try to make the most important descriptions and dialogues much more snappy.
Eg.: “There’s another option. (You already mentioned library in the very first sentence) If it’s rare, used books can be very expensive. The library is your best bet, although, they may have to borrow it from another library. It’s called an interlibrary loan. I know this because I used to work at the library.”
I know, you wanted him to sound like a neurotic chatterbox, but, IMO, it distracts. It is an opening scene, a very good one at that, so it should go right to the point. You could tighten it up to make it even better.
“Three inch scar” could perhaps be changed to ‘ three-inch-long scar’, and without the: ”… slashed across his radius and ulna bones”. We already know it’s his wrist.
“At thirty-eight, Tom was no child. Yet he still lived at home and he could not
help but wonder what he was going to eat for dinner tonight.”
Just wanted to say that the ‘Tom was no child’ seemed redundant here, but, on a second thought, the prevailing irony in the story perhaps requires that odd emphasis.
The description of the Tom’s usage of the wax paper made me laugh out aloud.
At some points in the story, you switch your narrative from the traditionally used past tense to the present tense (‘he suggests’, ‘she responds’). Avoid that. Keep it consistent.
Apart from the issue raised at the beginning, about the sarcastic-to-serious change of narrative tone, there’s also the closing conclusion coming from Kathy – a secondary character. It seems to make a crack in the structure. In my opinion, it spoils a bit the otherwise good ending. Try to change it into narrator’s semi-ironic comments and see how it works.
The sentence “In the meantime, Tom swims, while God decides what to do”, is great closing line for this story and very much in keeping with the overall tone. It also makes the reader wonder where Tom actually is. A good existential touch.
One more thing. The obscure “Book of Death” is easily mistaken for “The Book of the Dead”, which is the famous Tibetan Buddhist text. It can be confusing in particular when you have Tom interested in Buddhist literature and Oriental martial arts. Try to avoid it somehow. I was expecting Tom to naively misinterpret the spiritual teaching of “The Book of the Dead” to guide his suicidal tendencies. Only a few pages later I had realized it was a different book all together.
All in all, yours is a very good story.
Good luck with it and keep writing. read
Write a Comment
Submissions by dbialy
-
a screenplay by dbialy
"When your life is a lie, the truth could be deadly" - A narcoleptic drifter with questionable past becomes the... more
-
a short story by dbialy
A story about red roses, hot-blooded killing and a little bit of misunderstanding.
-
a screenplay by dbialy
During a top-secret Israeli operation, a small African village suddenly and mysteriously vanishes from the face... more
Reviews by dbialy 38
-
A review of Silent Crashby dbialy on 10/21/2008The good news is, the story is only two pages long. The bad news: It’s two pages long. I really don’t know what to say, except perhaps that the writer clearly has passion for writing – a solid foundation to build on. It would be a good idea to start with a simple question of ‘WHAT IS MY POINT?’ It doesn’t have to be a profound one. It doesn’t have to be unique... The good news is, the story is only two pages long. The bad news: It’s two pages long.
I really don’t know what to say, except perhaps that the writer clearly has passion for writing – a solid foundation to build on.
It would be a good idea to start with a simple question of ‘WHAT IS MY POINT?’
It doesn’t have to be a profound one. It doesn’t have to be unique one either, or even worth telling. But it has to be reasonably clearly defined by the writer, to guide him in the process of writing and help focus the narrative.
Even if the quality of the prose ends up inferior and full of holes, the story will at least have some resemblance of dramatic structure.
Sorry to say that, but I find none of that in “Silent Crash”. I simply don’t get it. None of it. But it might be just me.
My suggestion is:
Just try to focus less on writing the words on paper (or screen), and more on what they could potentially evoke inside your reader’s head.
Start with something that is not cool or cute. Something that makes you cry, for example. The results could surprise you. And you have the benefit of full anonymity here.
Best of luck, and keep writing. read -
A review of The Epiphanyby dbialy on 10/21/2008No doubt the writer has a knack for writing. The clear, smooth and natural flow of thought was joy to follow. Never left me confused or unsatisfied (except for the ending). The intelligent self-deprecating humor gives the story a rare honesty in exploring the folly of human nature. If we couldn’t laugh at the main character’s shortcomings, we would be gravely offended... No doubt the writer has a knack for writing. The clear, smooth and natural flow of thought was joy to follow. Never left me confused or unsatisfied (except for the ending).
The intelligent self-deprecating humor gives the story a rare honesty in exploring the folly of human nature. If we couldn’t laugh at the main character’s shortcomings, we would be gravely offended by them. And yet, in some respects and to various degrees, he exists in all of us (at least in those who are able to recognize their own hypocrisies).
The only reservation I have, is in regard to the ending.
Are we talking here about reincarnating into a mosquito or a fly, at the instant of the main character’s death?
If that’s the case, there should be some preparatory comments about the oddness of incarnation in your narrative, for the reader to make that connection.
Or, is it just an alternative view that our consciousness wonders freely around anyway?
Personally, I was expecting the POV to be that of the main character’s head or his brain which had been separated from the rest of the body and thrown out into the field during the crash impact, along with the still attached eyeball.
I was surprised and somewhat disappointed with the ending which didn’t seem to have any internal logic governing it. Unless, of course, I’ve missed something and my own comment makes no much sense here.
In any case, the ‘epiphany’, whatever it supposed to reveal to the main character, it tickled my inner parts sufficiently enough that it made the apparent lapse of internal logic just a minor annoyance.
Great job. Good luck with it, and your other works (which I’m eager to check out). read -
A review of By The Bookby dbialy on 10/21/2008Good read. The story is twisted, witty and well structured. The sarcasm and cynicism is not in a short supply here, and the author knows how to use it (it's hard to believe such a sarcasm comes from a female's mind). At the conclusion however, the delightful irony is replaced by a serious and rational tone which, IMO, weakens the story’s overall appeal. What I like in this... Good read. The story is twisted, witty and well structured. The sarcasm and cynicism is not in a short supply here, and the author knows how to use it (it's hard to believe such a sarcasm comes from a female's mind). At the conclusion however, the delightful irony is replaced by a serious and rational tone which, IMO, weakens the story’s overall appeal.
What I like in this story the most, is the skillful employment of the three parallel threads:
1. The personal ‘struggle’ of an immature, self-pitying thirty-eight-year old loser with the emotional sensitivity of a meatball.
2. His romantic relationship with Kathy (which climaxes with the statement: “I need you to marry me. I need to live with you, in your home, under your roof… or I’ll kill myself”)
3. The brilliant meatball motif running throughout the entire story as a comic 'glue’.
There really is not much I could criticize in this story. The following are only my suggestions:
Try to make the most important descriptions and dialogues much more snappy.
Eg.: “There’s another option. (You already mentioned library in the very first sentence) If it’s rare, used books can be very expensive. The library is your best bet, although, they may have to borrow it from another library. It’s called an interlibrary loan. I know this because I used to work at the library.”
I know, you wanted him to sound like a neurotic chatterbox, but, IMO, it distracts. It is an opening scene, a very good one at that, so it should go right to the point. You could tighten it up to make it even better.
“Three inch scar” could perhaps be changed to ‘ three-inch-long scar’, and without the: ”… slashed across his radius and ulna bones”. We already know it’s his wrist.
“At thirty-eight, Tom was no child. Yet he still lived at home and he could not
help but wonder what he was going to eat for dinner tonight.”
Just wanted to say that the ‘Tom was no child’ seemed redundant here, but, on a second thought, the prevailing irony in the story perhaps requires that odd emphasis.
The description of the Tom’s usage of the wax paper made me laugh out aloud.
At some points in the story, you switch your narrative from the traditionally used past tense to the present tense (‘he suggests’, ‘she responds’). Avoid that. Keep it consistent.
Apart from the issue raised at the beginning, about the sarcastic-to-serious change of narrative tone, there’s also the closing conclusion coming from Kathy – a secondary character. It seems to make a crack in the structure. In my opinion, it spoils a bit the otherwise good ending. Try to change it into narrator’s semi-ironic comments and see how it works.
The sentence “In the meantime, Tom swims, while God decides what to do”, is great closing line for this story and very much in keeping with the overall tone. It also makes the reader wonder where Tom actually is. A good existential touch.
One more thing. The obscure “Book of Death” is easily mistaken for “The Book of the Dead”, which is the famous Tibetan Buddhist text. It can be confusing in particular when you have Tom interested in Buddhist literature and Oriental martial arts. Try to avoid it somehow. I was expecting Tom to naively misinterpret the spiritual teaching of “The Book of the Dead” to guide his suicidal tendencies. Only a few pages later I had realized it was a different book all together.
All in all, yours is a very good story.
Good luck with it and keep writing. read -
A review of Twitchby dbialy on 02/13/2008Nothing delights more than a meaningful idea told with the subtlety and the poetry of a falling snowflake. This film conveys all its main points through imagery alone. The word, when spoken, is just in the right tone, used only to illuminate the message and not to directly express it. There’s no single scene redundant, and no self-conscious effort to impress the audience;... Nothing delights more than a meaningful idea told with the subtlety and the poetry of a falling snowflake. This film conveys all its main points through imagery alone. The word, when spoken, is just in the right tone, used only to illuminate the message and not to directly express it. There’s no single scene redundant, and no self-conscious effort to impress the audience; that’s why it does exactly that.
I’ve watched quite a few shorts on this site, but ‘Twitch’ is perhaps the most mature work I’ve ever seen here.
The biggest problem for the shorts always seem to be the lack of a compelling central idea around which everything else could naturally revolve. The handling of the actors in dialogue also proves to be a dilemma for most new movie makers.
‘Twitch’ has no problem with either of them. It hits all the marks effortlessly, as if out of an already established habit. The actors and their interactions are outstanding, pleasure to watch. Camerawork and montage are equally brilliant. No foot was placed wrong here, from the beginning to the end.
The emotionally strategic layout of the scenes is practically faultless too; The taking shower after touching her disabled mother, the statement: “Everything’s rotten in this house”, the wrapping of vegetables in a plastic wrap to prevent decay, the fear of ending up like her mum, the symbolic water scenes representing a womb, freedom and place of entrapment rolled into one - all surprisingly mature choices that pay off in spades. Really hard to believe it’s a work of a young student.
Don’t have any constructive criticism here, except perhaps a tiny one, regarding the title itself. Lovemaking / TWITCHING leg / worry about non-existent limb problem. What supposed to be a joyful experience causes apprehension and fear. It’s working, but somehow, to me personally, the title doesn’t do the deserved justice to the whole piece (unless I've missed something).
All in all, an outstanding job, Leah Meyerhoff.
Must remember this name. Have a funny feeling that things will start happening for you quite soon. A falling snowflake turns a rising star.
Best of luck.
read -
A review of SHELTERby dbialy on 01/30/2008Very impressive first 65 seconds. Then... 'Talking heads', ending with no hint of any kind of resolution or a twist. I think the short was technically well done but the theme was confusing and hard to digest. There was also IMO a kind of a basic logic lapse, when the girl argues that everybody outside is dead, yet decides to go out regardless. One of the paradoxical... Very impressive first 65 seconds. Then... 'Talking heads', ending with no hint of any kind of resolution or a twist. I think the short was technically well done but the theme was confusing and hard to digest.
There was also IMO a kind of a basic logic lapse, when the girl argues that everybody outside is dead, yet decides to go out regardless.
One of the paradoxical reasons for a suicide is the fear of death itself. It can be so debilitating that the prospect of freeing oneself from it through the act of suicide appears much more appealing (to the person affected) than remaining in the state of constant fear.
Although I don't think it was the intent of the movie maker to covey that thought, it certainly felt like that to me.
If the moviemaker wanted to show how fear of the unknown diminishes and paralyzes the life of individuals, I don't think he has accomplished it successfully. In my opinion, the theme was not sufficiently clear cut and refined. It allowed too much room for confusion and misinterpretations.
I was anxiously waiting for the ending to discover what it all was about, and was quite disappointed with the lack of some meaningful ending.
The parts without dialogue were much better than those with it.
The soundtrack was great, and the special effects/lighting really good.
Best of luck read -
A review of My Brothers Keeper (v.4)by dbialy on 12/20/2007An interesting story, told in a very intriguing way, set against the exotic background of Spanish Civil War (I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie about the Irish fighting for the ‘republicanos’). A very good choice that is also a very expensive one, budget-wise. The plot unfolds rather slowly and we don’t know where it will take us, which is fine with me. Two brothers:... An interesting story, told in a very intriguing way, set against the exotic background of Spanish Civil War (I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie about the Irish fighting for the ‘republicanos’). A very good choice that is also a very expensive one, budget-wise.
The plot unfolds rather slowly and we don’t know where it will take us, which is fine with me. Two brothers: Able and Cain… Sorry, Michael and Sean. One Good, the other Evil. The obvious (or was it?) intent was to show, as the closing Michael’s V.O. states, that:
“The truth’s a painful burden to bear at times. The truth is that we all must seek what is right in our hearts and protect that with all that we are worth” – and herein seems to lay the problem of the script IMO
(Sorry Bob, praising your great work would be nice and sweet, but wouldn’t reflect my personal impression in its entirety and would do nothing to help you improve). I leave the well deserved praises for others and concentrate here on what, in my opinion, doesn’t work in your script.
Personally, I’m admirer of your rich human tales. Read four of them. It’s clear to me that you pour all your heart into them, research your subject well and manipulate all the dramatic components to achieve the best possible cinematic result. Sometimes however, I feel like screaming: “Why isn’t this better?!!!”
Your tales are so rich in raw human emotions, so engaging, overall, so worthwhile to tell. And yet, there’s something in them that ‘sags’ me (couldn’t find a better word to accurately express my feeling).
The above mentioned V.O. statement of your protag Michel, at the end of the movie, is clearly the THEME of your script. Everything else is built around it, which is precisely what one should do when one writes a screenplay (and precisely what I didn’t yet master). This V.O. statement is the most important statement uttered in your movie, because it encapsulates the essence of the whole. As such it should be refined and polished to the max. It isn’t. At least to me personally, it seems to be saying something that it wants to say, but doesn’t quite finds the best way to do it, and the message gets lost in sort of moral confusion.
“The truth’s a painful burden to bear at times” – Michaels says. True. But curiously he talks about his private ego-limited ‘truth’ and not the universal one, that I think you should strive for your character. If he spoke of the painful truth about himself that he just faced, after slaying his own brother, in the name of the ‘greater Good’ and his own self-righteousness, then the TRUTH, would ring true. As it is, it seems to me askew and warped. If there was some deeper subtlety in your script, that I didn’t pick up, I’m sorry. I can only tell you what I see and feel from my own perspective, regardless whether it was intended to be seen and felt that way or not.
In your synopsis, you pose a question: “What would you do if there were no good guys?”
This gives some indication that perhaps the closing V.O. was meant to be read as a statement of a deluded soul, an ironic comment on human nature. If that’s the case, I don’t believe the audience would get it the way you intended. Much, much too subtle for an average viewer.
I would prefer for Michael to recognize it himself at the end. It would give him a sort of semi-arc.
I know, you wanted to show what a war does to the ordinary good people and how it warps their inner world. Good intention, but somehow, to me, you went astray with the delivery.
Sofia volunteers and assassinates the Archbishop merely on the accusation of Sean, the man she well knows has a black heart. Why? Because she is a ‘leftist’? Don’t you think it’s a big ask for the audience to swallow it? I couldn’t understand her internal motivations and responses regarding the assassination as much as I couldn’t quite understand her dealing with, and bedding all the different men in the name of free Spain. How was it even possible for her to be an active lieutenant in the republican army and a servant in the enemy camp?
Showing the real human face in evil behavior of people in extraordinary circumstances takes the valuable screen time. You didn’t have enough of it, so you skipped it, and, as a result, I’m scratching my head now.
And Michael is even worse in his puzzling responses to the excesses of his power and blood-hungry brother. And he’s much younger, mid-twenties, mind you.
Okay. Have a look at Sean’s character.
Discounting the Belfast incident in Poker Room which could be viewed as justifiable, with some stretch of imagination on our part - the corrupted by violence moviegoers, we didn’t really know what kind of man Sean really was, until page 44.
Only when he ruthlessly kills the elderly enemy soldier that already runs away scared, we know Sean is ‘not quite right’ in his heart and soul (Page 44? A bit too late).
Page 63. Sean shaves his beard (nice touch, good symbolism). I knew you’ll show now Sean’s true colors, but didn’t expect it to be so abrupt (you could milk that tension created by the audience sensing the change in Sean, much more). He slashes Jack’s cheek with a whip for spilling a box of rice.
And what his do-gooder brother does? Absolutely nothing. Later, “Michael can’t help but smile at his impetuous brother”. At that point, (page 77) I started losing my sympathy for Michael, and the feeling of mild distaste began replacing it. A bad sign.
Page 84. Sean unjustly shoots defenseless Jack locked up in a jail. And what our Michael does? He restrains Sean in a ‘bear hug’ (was it an intended irony?). Now, my mild distaste turns into contempt for Michael. His reactions towards Sean don’t seem to arise from his love for him, but from the weakness of his character to face his brother like any good man would.
I admit, you very cleverly set up the drama in that unstable but strict recruit-army environment, to make it believable that it was as easy for Sean to show his evil side, as it was difficult for Michael to oppose it. But still, a Good Man, as understood by contemporary moviegoers, would act differently.
Resolution of your story is the hardest to swallow (only if I’m reading the whole thing right, of course). Michael kills his defenseless brother in an ambush because of what? Because Sean liked killing as a soldier and exacted his revenge when pushed to his low threshold limits? Was that a sufficient reason for a Good Man to kill in a cold blad? I don’t think so. How Michael was different from Sean then? Wasn’t he just the other side of the same coin?
Michael and Sofia’s responses and behavior are here more akin to the mob mentality in 'The Good Fellows', where the only morality is that of the Family and if someone ‘deserves’ to die, it is done in business-like fashion with the real Human Conscience switched off completely.
But Michael and Sofia in Spain? They both had no external forces (except the war itself), imposing on them some sort of prefabricated warped Morality. They were free to express their own. They didn’t. Not the one we would expect them to express, anyway.
So, in short, the morally confusing THEME expressed through closing V.O., was reflected and amplified in a greater moral confusion of the plot itself, at least for me personally.
Couple more things:
The constant and numerous “Spanish with Subtitles” in dialogue parentheses could be perhaps replaced by a note “Dialogue in Spanish, subtitled”, just before the dialogues. I think it’s an acceptable formatting technique.
Character interactions: Sofia/Michael and the Lieutenant/Garcia (p. 49). In both cases one character has a gun pointed at the other, suspicious and/or accusing of betrayal. In both cases it ends up with a sudden and unrealistic change of hearts – “I suppose you’re right” – sort of thing. It was unnatural and forced to suit your plot. Try to give a bit more plausible reason for changing the ‘gun-holder’ attitude towards his ‘target’.
The massacre of the ‘Blueshirts’ in the Poker Room in Belfast could be done better. It was too abrupt. You could milk it much more with some tension and suspense so naturally lending itself to scenes like this.
Oh. One more. Didn’t figure out why Michael had to run away with Sean to Spain. He was not in danger. I think giving some plausible excuse would be much better than just hang it on Michael’s desire to ‘take care’ of his little brother. Or did I miss something?
Other than that, the three-act structure, the dialogue (with some small exceptions) and the pacing of your spec was really good. The Belfast dialogue rang particularly true and even with real Irish accent in my minds ear. Good stuff, lad. I also liked and appreciated the nice smooth transitions from scene to scene. You’re always mindful of all those little things that make big difference - that's why I like your writing.
Good luck with this one.
read -
A review of The Treeby dbialy on 12/19/2007Overall, a very impressive short, the story in particular. Two lonely neighbors, man and a woman, needing the same thing; to warm themselves up in a cold, cold world. The solitary tree seems to be a good source for the fire fuel, but each wants to claim it for him/herself. Conflict. Struggle. Finally they find compromise and resolution. I was hoping to see them... Overall, a very impressive short, the story in particular. Two lonely neighbors, man and a woman, needing the same thing; to warm themselves up in a cold, cold world.
The solitary tree seems to be a good source for the fire fuel, but each wants to claim it for him/herself.
Conflict.
Struggle.
Finally they find compromise and resolution.
I was hoping to see them two, at the dinner table, eating and then starting it all over again... arguing about something else now, washing the dishes, for example.
I feel their getting together was not emphasized enough at the end.
One more thing; The spiked shotgun ball was very entertaining; with the chase and the ball's POV, but it didn't seem to belong to the piece at all. In my opinion, it unnecessarily added a sci-fi motif and even somewhat spoiled the established tone.
Other than that, I've enjoyed your short a great deal. I even had a constant grin on my face while watching it - a rare occurrence.
Wish you a very best luck with it. read -
A review of Quietusby dbialy on 12/05/2007The short definitely has a good production values. It looks neat sleek and professional. Including the credits. The opening CLOSE-UPS however, do not really point towards the main theme, literally or metaphorically, as they should. To me, the story itself also lacks a sufficient visual impact to match its high technical value. It seem too talky; "Are you the best? Are you... The short definitely has a good production values. It looks neat sleek and professional. Including the credits. The opening CLOSE-UPS however, do not really point towards the main theme, literally or metaphorically, as they should.
To me, the story itself also lacks a sufficient visual impact to match its high technical value. It seem too talky; "Are you the best? Are you really the very best?" - on and on. It seemed quite overdone.
Besides, why would he need to be the best? Why not just someone who kills for the pleasure of it?
Didn't get the jail scene either. And why have it after the closing credits?
Sorry if I missed something crucial there, but I don't think that a second viewing should be considered to GET a point of a short.
Perhaps if the dialogue was much shorter and more subtle, the whole story would benefit.
One more thing: Why the choice of reptilian eyes to indicate the other-worldly origins of the 'stranger'? It's more suited to the 'alien' theme. Maybe just 'glowing spheres' in place of eyes, would fit the situation better.
But hey! All of this is only one man's opinion.
Regardless of the above rumbling, the short is still a quit good piece.
Good luck with it. read -
A review of Missingby dbialy on 12/04/2007Q.: What do you get if you cross Sergio Leone with Alfred... what's his name? A.: Mr. Engelbrecht. The montage was superb, in particular the 'distressed' woman before she entered the tunnel. And the soundtrack was equally good. And the still used for the poster... what a great composition, and how deliberately deceitful too. In my opinion the dialogue itself, or rather... Q.: What do you get if you cross Sergio Leone with Alfred... what's his name?
A.: Mr. Engelbrecht.
The montage was superb, in particular the 'distressed' woman before she entered the tunnel. And the soundtrack was equally good. And the still used for the poster... what a great composition, and how deliberately deceitful too.
In my opinion the dialogue itself, or rather monologue, brings the short down considerably. Not because of the technicality of its sound or accent, but because it was completely redundant in the context of the short. It simply did not belong there.
I believe that even greater effect could be achieved with couple gazes and slight smiles to show the man's intentions. Then at the end; an apologetic smile, hands up, he means no harm, he just wanted to... looks down at his belly... What's the fff...? The "What's the fff..." could be actually the only spoken words in this movie. But hey! What am I doing here. Directing your piece? Sorry. Couldn't help myself.
Another really impressive aspect of your work was the smooth transition from the movie to the closing credits. Never seen anything like it before - not so much in concept as in execution. It blew me away.
After a moment I've realized it was almost as if it wasn't the 'mozaical' movement on the screen that was guiding my eyes, but my eyes that caused the movement on the screen, as they wondered around in the aftershock effort to adjust themselves after what they've just saw.
A very organic treatment.
And a clear winner.
read -
A review of Hurricane Seasonby dbialy on 12/04/2007There’s no doubt the writer possesses a solid set of dramatic writing skills. From the very first page I felt authenticity in the description and emotional exchange between characters. The unexplained phone call, the statement “They found something”, the underlying tension, and question consequently arising in viewer/reader’s mind make for a really good drama - a masterful... There’s no doubt the writer possesses a solid set of dramatic writing skills. From the very first page I felt authenticity in the description and emotional exchange between characters. The unexplained phone call, the statement “They found something”, the underlying tension, and question consequently arising in viewer/reader’s mind make for a really good drama - a masterful slow reveal.
I’m not familiar with the New Orleans’ dialect but, it rung very true to my ears (so, I guess, it must be right).
The main likable ‘under-dog’ character, Eric, just after the hurricane Katrina, naturally black, naturally in the middle of a family tragedy, directs all his attention and energy to reuniting his high school football team, even becomes a coach at 17(?), and WINS.
The metaphoric struggle worked for me in principle, but seemed a bit out of balance with the rest. The entire last third of the script is basically the game itself. Well handled, granted, with the authenticly-sounding announcements and descriptions, but effectively overbearing the much more subtle first half. I’m not sure if this does serve the story as you intended.
There are a few more reservations I have, that might be of some interest to you. When I put my ‘critic’s hat’ on, I do mostly look for what doesn’t work for me, and here I have really hard time finding any of that. But I’m trying.
1. The issue with Eric’s missing father. Maybe I’ve missed something there, but it seemed to me that Eric too easily accepted that his father was dead, even with no clear evidence, just on his gut feeling. Wouldn’t it be more natural and instinctive for him to hang onto any hope, no matter how small? (The little Sandra’s “of course he’s dead” at the very beginning was also odd, even for a 5-year old).
2. The repeated dreams/visions of his father, seemed a little forced and unnatural, and too much of.
3. When the football theme was set-up, it was very predictable how it’s going to end. There was not much tension, other than the game-related one, to keep non-football loving viewers/readers engaged.
4. The relationship between Eric and Cassie was IMO lacking something, perhaps it was too abrupt, too sudden.
5. The name for the protag ‘ERIC’ doesn’t seem to be the best for our black protag. For me personally, it evoked the image in my mind of a pale-faced Viking with horn-studded headgear. I even checked its Scandinavian meaning and it means: “complete ruler”. If you went for that aspect, which is fitting, I think it was a mistake, because people respond intuitively to the sound of a name rather than to its literal meaning. Sorry for over-stretching it to fit my twisted mind.
6. And lastly, some character names in the script were hard to identify, too confusing for a single read.
I like the script very much, but would like it better with 70 percent less football and 50 percent less sentimentality.
Oh! One more thing. The title. At first I liked it’s double meaning, play on words. After reading the script however, it started to bother me that the Hurricanes won. It bothered me precisely because of that double meaning. It seemed to acquire a ‘double sided sword’ quality. And again, my twisted mind imagined a Pentagon baseball team called ‘Jihad’ which goes to win a mayor game. You know what I mean? Rather strange way to make yourself feel better when you are bitten so badly (or perceived to be so) by that very thing.
Dialogue and Characters – EXCELLENT
The rest - GOOD
Best of luck with it. read
Comments About dbialy 5
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kkatherine on 10/21/2008
Good review of By The Book. Thank you. I appreciate all of your comments and input. Much of it will be considered during the rewrite. Best Regards. -
engelbrecht on 12/05/2007
Hello Daniel,
Cheers for the nice reviews!
I agree with your comments on Missing. The dialogue is not so relevant and the film might have been more powerful without it.
The Manager as well I realised later might have been more funny if a cleaning lady appeared at the end. She takes a look at the manager on the floor and says "Huh" or something and then you see her put the wet floor sign down.
It is a continuous learning process.
But it is always really nice when someone likes your work.
So Thanks again.
Best Regards,
Geoff Engelbrecht -
jwest on 10/16/2007
Most kind. Many thanks for the review on Blue. Agree that I canbe overly subtle in my work. Especially when it's a short, short one. Tiny triviality - at the end I do hint that it is the husbands heart that was the cause of his parting.
No not personal, other than the old friends part (sadly no yachts though ;0). Although I do know a small amount of loss - but I'm sure many of us can unfortunately claim that one.
Thanks again, it is appreciated.
Best wishes, jw -
Joshua James on 09/29/2007
Hi, I just wanted to thank you for your kind review of REDEMPTION CENTER, I really appreciated your feedback and I'm really glad you liked my story . . . thanks again. -
Brian W on 09/28/2007
Thanks for the review.... of Barry's Last Breakfast... it was informative.
really don't think you got it, though.
Who's to say you didn't. Thanks again.
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Comments About dbialy 5
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Good review of By The Book. Thank you. I appreciate all of your comments and input. Much of it will be considered during the rewrite. Best Regards.
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Hello Daniel,
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Most kind. Many thanks for the review on Blue. Agree that I canbe overly subtle in my work. Especially when it's a short, short one. Tiny triviality - at the end I do hint that it is the husbands heart that was the cause of his parting.
+ more commentskkatherine on 10/21/2008
engelbrecht on 12/05/2007
Cheers for the nice reviews!
I agree with your comments on Missing. The dialogue is not so relevant and the film might have been more powerful without it.
The Manager as well I realised later might have been more funny if a cleaning lady appeared at the end. She takes a look at the manager on the floor and says "Huh" or something and then you see her put the wet floor sign down.
It is a continuous learning process.
But it is always really nice when someone likes your work.
So Thanks again.
Best Regards,
Geoff Engelbrecht
jwest on 10/16/2007
No not personal, other than the old friends part (sadly no yachts though ;0). Although I do know a small amount of loss - but I'm sure many of us can unfortunately claim that one.
Thanks again, it is appreciated.
Best wishes, jw