a short story
by DebraSwan
Genres:
drama
Nell is peculiar but wiser than people give her credit for.
DebraSwan
member since 06/01/2009 |
last login 05/24/2013
I fell into writing by accident - I'm still recovering from my injuries....
Bio
I fell into writing by accident - I'm still recovering from my injuries.
Submissions by DebraSwan
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a screenplay by DebraSwanGenres: drama, historicalAlice believes she is aided by God as she plans her father’s demise and tries to win her mentor.
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a short story by DebraSwanGenres: dramaA mirror reflects more than what it sees, as it is reacquainted with an old friend.
Reviews by DebraSwan 134
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A review of The Thirteenth Cameraby DebraSwan on 04/07/2013Hi Mike, Great story, engaged me very quickly and kept me intrigued throughout. Wonderful premise, and I like that you connected it subtly to native beliefs. That was a nice touch. I'm not clear on the significance of the door being locked but accessible by Scarlett. It alludes to the old man as omnipresent - was that what you intended? If so, you may want to make that... Hi Mike,
Great story, engaged me very quickly and kept me intrigued throughout. Wonderful premise, and I like that you connected it subtly to native beliefs. That was a nice touch.
I'm not clear on the significance of the door being locked but accessible by Scarlett. It alludes to the old man as omnipresent - was that what you intended? If so, you may want to make that a bit clearer.
The ending confused me somewhat. Did they change bodies or souls? It read as the souls being intertwined, rather that inhabiting one body or the other. I do like that, but again it wasn't really clear.
A few things of note:
Pg. 3 Tom wanted to say no… implies that he didn’t mind the old man sitting down. What I think you mean is Tom wanted to say yes, because he did mind, if the question was “mind if I sit down?”
Pg. 14 He reached inside and approached the old man… do you mean “He reached inside then approached the old man”?
Pg. 16 He didn’t have time to form a thought in his mind…. I’d take this line out – it feels a bit awkward and reveals the light un-necessarily. The surprise of the light is better without this forebode.
Otherwise, top notch! Lovely addition to the collaboration.
Cheers,
Debra
read -
A review of Bobbyby DebraSwan on 02/16/2013I very much liked the premise of this piece. I think if you build up the suspense a bit more regarding who the Bobby is toward the end of the story, it would serve it well. You present characters with a bit of depth, which is lovely. My biggest issue with the piece is the execution - it is riddled with punctuation and formatting problems. Normally I don't get to hung up... I very much liked the premise of this piece. I think if you build up the suspense a bit more regarding who the Bobby is toward the end of the story, it would serve it well. You present characters with a bit of depth, which is lovely. My biggest issue with the piece is the execution - it is riddled with punctuation and formatting problems. Normally I don't get to hung up on these things, and only give them a passing mention, but it did distract me from an otherwise entertaining piece.
CONCEPT: Good. Liked it very much.
CHARACTERS: Good. You did a particularly good job with the two hoods.
DIALOGUE: Good. I had to re-read a few parts, but that is because I'm a little unfamiliar with the dialect, which is not the fault of the writer.
STORY: Average. I struggle with this scoring, but the formatting and punctuation did distract from the story enough that, if it were corrected, would improve the story quality immensely.
I think a bit more suspense when speaking with the police in the hospital would have been good. The officer accepted too quickly that the character was the ghost of Bobby. If he had disclosed some background on a like situation happening before, or a history of strange rescues by the same character, his acceptance would have been more natural. However, none of that is alluded to so his willingness to accept the story doesn't seem appropriate.
Unless, of course, he is the officer at the end of the story taking off the costume? If so, that connection needs to be made clearer.
STRUCTURE: No discernible issues here.
OVERALL: Good.
If you improve technically your writing will be excellent. I'm not the greatest with the 'mechanics' either, so I generally get another pair of eyes better trained in that area to look at my stuff before putting it out there. I've learned much from using that strategy. Just a recommendation.
Cheers,
Debra read -
A review of The Flyoverby DebraSwan on 02/07/2013Overall, this was an easy, enjoyable read. I liked your premise and you took a common theme and switched it up a bit. There were problems with punctuation throughout, but that is easily corrected with a good edit. CONCEPT: Good. Nice twist to a common theme. CHARACTERS: Average. It was a short piece and could easily stand a few more pages to create more depth to your... Overall, this was an easy, enjoyable read. I liked your premise and you took a common theme and switched it up a bit. There were problems with punctuation throughout, but that is easily corrected with a good edit.
CONCEPT: Good. Nice twist to a common theme.
CHARACTERS: Average. It was a short piece and could easily stand a few more pages to create more depth to your characters. I would have liked to know more about the relationship with Sarah - it didn't seem deep enough to drive him to assault. I liked the arch with the main character - he came off as a wimp that wasn't prepared for what transpired in the confrontation with Garth.
DIALOGUE: Average. Again, could be expanded on with the addition of a few pages. It's actually a bit to superficial as it's written right now.
STORY: Average. Overall, nice job with the story line, however it was a bit disjointed in the beginning. Also, expanding on the relationship and keeping the reader guessing on how things would be handled to win Sarah back would improve the story.
STRUCTURE: Good. Would be better if you can improve the disjointed beginning, in my opinion.
OVERALL: Good. Again, I enjoy the read. read
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Submissions by DebraSwan
-
a short story by DebraSwanGenres: drama
Nell is peculiar but wiser than people give her credit for.
-
a screenplay by DebraSwanGenres: drama, historical
Alice believes she is aided by God as she plans her father’s demise and tries to win her mentor.
-
a short story by DebraSwanGenres: drama
A mirror reflects more than what it sees, as it is reacquainted with an old friend.
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a short story by DebraSwanGenres: dramaJanice is lonely, until an unexpected soul mate weasels into her life and heart.
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a short story by DebraSwanGenres: adventure, documentaryA snapshot of life in Northern Canada from the perspective of an outsider.
Reviews by DebraSwan 134
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A review of The Thirteenth Cameraby DebraSwan on 04/07/2013Hi Mike, Great story, engaged me very quickly and kept me intrigued throughout. Wonderful premise, and I like that you connected it subtly to native beliefs. That was a nice touch. I'm not clear on the significance of the door being locked but accessible by Scarlett. It alludes to the old man as omnipresent - was that what you intended? If so, you may want to make that... Hi Mike,
Great story, engaged me very quickly and kept me intrigued throughout. Wonderful premise, and I like that you connected it subtly to native beliefs. That was a nice touch.
I'm not clear on the significance of the door being locked but accessible by Scarlett. It alludes to the old man as omnipresent - was that what you intended? If so, you may want to make that a bit clearer.
The ending confused me somewhat. Did they change bodies or souls? It read as the souls being intertwined, rather that inhabiting one body or the other. I do like that, but again it wasn't really clear.
A few things of note:
Pg. 3 Tom wanted to say no… implies that he didn’t mind the old man sitting down. What I think you mean is Tom wanted to say yes, because he did mind, if the question was “mind if I sit down?”
Pg. 14 He reached inside and approached the old man… do you mean “He reached inside then approached the old man”?
Pg. 16 He didn’t have time to form a thought in his mind…. I’d take this line out – it feels a bit awkward and reveals the light un-necessarily. The surprise of the light is better without this forebode.
Otherwise, top notch! Lovely addition to the collaboration.
Cheers,
Debra
read -
A review of Bobbyby DebraSwan on 02/16/2013I very much liked the premise of this piece. I think if you build up the suspense a bit more regarding who the Bobby is toward the end of the story, it would serve it well. You present characters with a bit of depth, which is lovely. My biggest issue with the piece is the execution - it is riddled with punctuation and formatting problems. Normally I don't get to hung up... I very much liked the premise of this piece. I think if you build up the suspense a bit more regarding who the Bobby is toward the end of the story, it would serve it well. You present characters with a bit of depth, which is lovely. My biggest issue with the piece is the execution - it is riddled with punctuation and formatting problems. Normally I don't get to hung up on these things, and only give them a passing mention, but it did distract me from an otherwise entertaining piece.
CONCEPT: Good. Liked it very much.
CHARACTERS: Good. You did a particularly good job with the two hoods.
DIALOGUE: Good. I had to re-read a few parts, but that is because I'm a little unfamiliar with the dialect, which is not the fault of the writer.
STORY: Average. I struggle with this scoring, but the formatting and punctuation did distract from the story enough that, if it were corrected, would improve the story quality immensely.
I think a bit more suspense when speaking with the police in the hospital would have been good. The officer accepted too quickly that the character was the ghost of Bobby. If he had disclosed some background on a like situation happening before, or a history of strange rescues by the same character, his acceptance would have been more natural. However, none of that is alluded to so his willingness to accept the story doesn't seem appropriate.
Unless, of course, he is the officer at the end of the story taking off the costume? If so, that connection needs to be made clearer.
STRUCTURE: No discernible issues here.
OVERALL: Good.
If you improve technically your writing will be excellent. I'm not the greatest with the 'mechanics' either, so I generally get another pair of eyes better trained in that area to look at my stuff before putting it out there. I've learned much from using that strategy. Just a recommendation.
Cheers,
Debra read -
A review of The Flyoverby DebraSwan on 02/07/2013Overall, this was an easy, enjoyable read. I liked your premise and you took a common theme and switched it up a bit. There were problems with punctuation throughout, but that is easily corrected with a good edit. CONCEPT: Good. Nice twist to a common theme. CHARACTERS: Average. It was a short piece and could easily stand a few more pages to create more depth to your... Overall, this was an easy, enjoyable read. I liked your premise and you took a common theme and switched it up a bit. There were problems with punctuation throughout, but that is easily corrected with a good edit.
CONCEPT: Good. Nice twist to a common theme.
CHARACTERS: Average. It was a short piece and could easily stand a few more pages to create more depth to your characters. I would have liked to know more about the relationship with Sarah - it didn't seem deep enough to drive him to assault. I liked the arch with the main character - he came off as a wimp that wasn't prepared for what transpired in the confrontation with Garth.
DIALOGUE: Average. Again, could be expanded on with the addition of a few pages. It's actually a bit to superficial as it's written right now.
STORY: Average. Overall, nice job with the story line, however it was a bit disjointed in the beginning. Also, expanding on the relationship and keeping the reader guessing on how things would be handled to win Sarah back would improve the story.
STRUCTURE: Good. Would be better if you can improve the disjointed beginning, in my opinion.
OVERALL: Good. Again, I enjoy the read. read -
A review of Cut Loose to Killby DebraSwan on 08/09/2012So by Tuesday, I of course meant Thursday... :o) I was on the edge of my seat through a lot of this script. You've a talent for writing fast action - very visual. Good story that for the most part moved along at a good pace. I particularly liked the characters of Walt and Sarah. You did well developing their relationship. It felt real and plausible. Dialogue was top... So by Tuesday, I of course meant Thursday... :o)
I was on the edge of my seat through a lot of this script. You've a talent for writing fast action - very visual.
Good story that for the most part moved along at a good pace. I particularly liked the characters of Walt and Sarah. You did well developing their relationship. It felt real and plausible.
Dialogue was top notch! Structure was great. You might want to consider taking out a few 'riding through the desert' scenes. There were moments when they made the story stall, not overly so, but noticeable.
As always, running NOTES follow:
Pg. 3 [There’s going to be a hanging.] Not needed.
Pg. 3 [leave ours to us] ‘leave us to ours’ sounds more natural.
Pg. 6 [He wanted to beat the shit out of him.] not needed.
Pg. 6 [He says nothing.] Suggestion: “He shoots a hard stare” – It’s always more effective to write what a character does, rather than what they don’t do.
Pg. 9 [Walt does.] How do we know Walt knows them? Some indication of how/why would be helpful.
Note: I’m finding page 9 confusing. Are the boys that gutted Farley the same boys that raped the woman and might be in custody?
Pg. 11 [I swear you can you see]… I swear you can see
Pg. 15 [Walt waits for Joy to finish her ramblings.] not needed. You could replace with something like “Walt grins”
Pg. 17 [Glad you could make it back, sir.] Suggestion: ‘Glad you made it back, sir’ or ‘Glad you be makin’ it back, sir]
Pg. 17 [Not what I heard either. Just what I knows.] Great line!!
Pg. 19 Henry and Walt seem to be very comfortable with one another, which contradicts the scene where Henry arrives shy and awkward. My suggestion is to have Henry appear confident right away.
Pg. 20 [gives joy a kiss] gives Joy a kiss
Pg. 21 [Squeak of the screen door as opens.] Suggestion: the screen door SQUEAKS open
Pg. 22 [Joy leads henry out.] Joy leads Henry out.
Pg. 26 The murders of Katherine and Joy have little foreboding. Suggestion: Add a scene after Kathleen kisses Walt goodbye – perhaps she looks out the kitchen window and sees a cloud of dust kicked up by a rider – shouts up to Joy “You’re daddy’s home sooner than he be thinkin’ “ Joy looks out her window “That ain’t daddy!”
Pg. 35 [If’n I had they’d still be alive] Suggestion: "If’n I had my family would still be alive." .. the way it is currently written is a bit confusing because you refer to ‘they’ just before when referring to the boys.
Pg. 37 It got dark awful fast. I know the slug says ‘dusk’ but you may want to set this up better, simply be adding to the description on Pg. 36 [the house about fifteen yards away]… ‘sun sets below the horizon directly behind’
Pg. 37 [He sneaks round the coral] He sneaks round the corral
Pg. 37 [Just Spencer and Fleabag there] Suggestion: Spencer and Fleabag are crouched low
Pg. 43 [Not like he has a choice.] I’ve decided that this is your personal writing style, because you use this technique a lot – telling something to the reader. My choice would be something like “He resists. She holds the spoon at the ready. He gives in to the hunger, opens his mouth.” Having said that, your way is less words and leaves options open to imagination as to how it plays out. I’m not suggesting you need to change, just that I find your choice interesting.
Pg. 50 Why wouldn’t Jessica need to see his badge or some proof? She seems to be hospitable very quickly.
Pg. 51 [Both horse] Both horses
Pg. 55 [They walk through the pass] this makes it appear like they are walking rather than riding their horses. Suggest: ‘They trot through the pass’ for clarity.
Pg. 56 [of some stew] of stew
Pg. 59 Why doesn’t Walt appear to be in more pain? He has two bullets in his leg…
Pg. 60 [as the shove him] as they shove him
Pg. 62 [Well wouldn’t do for a cowboy to ride his horse backwards.] I was on the edge of my seat all through this scene until this line. It took me completely out of the action. I suggestion you remove it.
Pg. 64 [He can see out of his eyes just fine. Surprises even him.] not needed
Pg. 66 [eats some cold biscuits] eats cold biscuits
Pg. 66 [“You eatin’ some of this”?] Suggestion: “You eatin"?
Pg. 70 [from a hanin’.] from a hangin’
Pg. 83 [Walt looks like a rattler about to strike.] nice line!
Pg. 87 [“They don’t deserve a hanging after what they did.”] Do you mean this to be a statement or a question? My opinion – works better as a question.
Pg. 90 [“You get on along there. Leave us to our business.”] It seems odd that Pa would say this yet again – he knows Walt isn’t going to move on. It would make more sense for him to say something like “Marshal, you is becoming a real boil on my ass!”
Ahh, I see, you want it to appear that Pa doesn’t recognize him – got it! However, I still think it bodes the story better if he does.
Pg. 99 Why would Sarah be afraid of the dark when she’s been brave enough to shoot and kill? This needs an explanation.
Pg. 103 [Walt stay put.] Walt stays put.
Pg. 104 [they hot the dirt] they hit the dirt
Pg. 104 [Unnerves Walt.] Why? He’s faced more than two men throughout the script.
Love the ending!
Great read, Jackie!
Take care,
Debra read -
A review of Slip Awayby DebraSwan on 07/22/2012Sorry to have had this in my queue for so long. I hope my notes are helpful. Overall it was an easy, fun read. I was confused by a few things in the story, and there are a few bits that might be better explored. NOTES: Pg. 2 [Just on the other side] isn’t really necessary. Pg. 3 [Tears stream down her face in the reflection of the window as she absorbs the news.]... Sorry to have had this in my queue for so long. I hope my notes are helpful. Overall it was an easy, fun read. I was confused by a few things in the story, and there are a few bits that might be better explored.
NOTES:
Pg. 2 [Just on the other side] isn’t really necessary.
Pg. 3 [Tears stream down her face in the reflection of the window as she absorbs the news.] – Love this visual!
Pg. 4 [Lilly’s opens] … Lilly opens
Pg. 6 [for no apparent reason] isn’t really necessary.
Pg. 7 [on top complete] … on top to complete
Pg. 8 [He puts it under some papers on his clipboard.] Why?
Pg. 8 [FBI AGENT EDDIE Brooks] … FBI AGENT EDDIE BROOKS
Pg. 8 The described distain for Brooks doesn’t fit with the distraught mood Walczak seems to be in when he speaks about being a witness to the rookie killing.
Pg. 11 [asleep on the chair] … asleep in the chair
Pg. 12 I’m assuming Lily is laying in a bed, but you should describe it that way.
Pg. 12 [troy] … Troy
Pg. 15 [Lilly is unusually quiet.] … Lilly quietly sits in the passenger seat … is clearer
Pg. 16 [Many are children who died in infancy in the eighteen-hundreds.] Why do we need to know this?
Pg. 16 [Walczak slows as Lilly gets her bearings and gives directions.] This would be better shown through dialogue.
Pg. 19 [As they toss the place looking for clues to Lilly’s whereabouts]… As they toss the place… would suffice. The rest is inferred.
Pg. 22 Do Marty and Lilly know each other? They seem very familiar for two people that just met.
Pg. 23 Wouldn’t Marty want to make sure that Lily gets to her room safely if she’s being protected?
Pg. 26 [Marty is there to take her to the shrink] Have Lily look through the peep hole and see Marty.
Pg. 27 I’m not getting a good handle on how much time has passed since the shooting. At first it reads like it has been a few days, but with the doc suggesting the police academy already it must be longer. You might want to look at this… and if she’s being hidden, why would he suggest that at all??
Pg. 32 Wouldn’t the Doctor need to confirm that Lilly will no longer be a patient with the Marty?
Pg. 35 You have the music fading twice in a row. Once it has faded the first time, it can’t fade again unless it amps up again.
Pg. 36 [She takes a sip of her coffee, and angles for a better view to see who’s driving.] … She takes a sip of coffee and peers at the driver.
Pg. 36 Suggestion… I would just disclose that this is Lilly – it’s really easy to figure out its her anyway.
Pg. 38 [That’s when she notices the surveillance system] … She turns to case the room. Notices the surveillance system.
Pg. 41 Love this whole sequence of Lilly getting her revenge on Nick. Nicely done!
Pg. 52 [I don’t plan on to] … I don’t plan to
Pg. 59 Is this the same Eddie Brooks at Devin’s shooting? You’ve bolded him as if he is just being introduced.
Pg. 65 It seems odd that Russo would leave a classified folder in the open. It might be better if it Walczak finds it in the cabinet when he’s looking for page 1.
Pg. 67 I’m not connecting the dots on how Walczak has figured Mullen as the unidentified robber.
Pg. 71 [the window on the kitchen door] … kitchen door window
Pg. 71 [opens the lock] … unlocks it.
Pg. 71 [flashlight in the other] … suggestion: Have Lily hold the flashlight up beside her head like law enforcement do – it will elude to her academy training, which hasn’t been mentioned since we found out about it early on. It’s just a subtle thing that might add to the character.
Pg. 73 Is this the same prison guard that took the phone call earlier, or a different one?
Pg. 75 Seems odd that Walczak doesn’t realize he’s being followed – he’s a veteran FBI agent.
Note: The character names Mullen and Callum are confusing me. It might just be me but you might want to consider changing one so there not so alike.
Pg. 81 Wouldn’t Marty give him the plate number too?
Pg. 82 Who’s gotten to her? The little boy?
Pg. 85 [Other than the crickets chirping, there are no other sounds.] … Crickets chirping is the only sound.
How does Lilly know Callum, other than he was there when Devin was killed? They seem very familiar with each other for them to be strangers. How does she know he can help her, or that he is aware that Nick is the one that killed Devin? … I think I’ve missed something…
Pg. 87 [at through the television] … at the television
Pg. 89 [pulls a photo] … pulls out a photo
Pg. 93 Why will Lily take the blame for Walczak?
Ending – I’m a bit confused as to how Lilly knew about the fishing cabin.
A few things that don’t seem to go anywhere:
1. Walczak’s distain for Brooks suggests a prior relationship or altercation. Is it because Brooks is clean?
2. Lilly’s test results could be used throughout to create more tension. Throughout most of the script they are hardly mentioned. It may be because you want a big reveal at the end, but if you allude to them throughout, it would be a bigger moment, in my opinion.
3. Lilly’s relationship with Darryl seems superfluous and doesn’t really add anything to the story.
4. The whole part about the shrink and the visits there seems un-necessary to the story.
5. What has Michael Cullen got to do with the plot and how do we know it's him at the gravesite? read -
A review of Watch Out for the Little Onesby DebraSwan on 07/07/2012There's a lot of improvement with this draft over the last one I read. The spelling needs to be cleaned up a bit in places, but overall it was pretty clean. I think the biggest thing to work on now is character development. Mae's reactions, in particular, were inconsistent. This is further explained in my notes below. There are still a few plot holes, but far less then... There's a lot of improvement with this draft over the last one I read. The spelling needs to be cleaned up a bit in places, but overall it was pretty clean.
I think the biggest thing to work on now is character development. Mae's reactions, in particular, were inconsistent. This is further explained in my notes below.
There are still a few plot holes, but far less then before. I love the concept and I think one more re-write will do it!
NOTES:
Some of the action/description can be tightened up – example Pg. 2 [The collectors pass a little girl and keep moving.] – Collectors move past a little girl, they don’t look back.
Is Luca the little girl the collectors pass? Maybe introduce her then – Collectors move past LUCA…
Pg. 3 Are the collectors wide-eyed because they hear the scream? That isn’t clear.
Love the set up.
Pg. 5 Doc’s line “Once it’s lost, you can never get it back” I wasn’t sure what was lost, but I think you mean your soul. There’s a bit of time between this and his previous line so I had to look back. You might want to change this to something like “Once they get your soul, you can never get it back”
Pg. 11 I’m just wondering if Mae’s transformation from ‘in control farm woman’ to ‘weeping uncontrollably’ happens too quickly. It might be better if you present her as a bit more maudlin in the beginning – just a thought.
Pg. 14 OPENING CREDITS ROLL – I’ve never seen this before in a SP
I’m noticing a lot of ‘ing’ words in your actions/descriptions.
Pg. 16 [A shaft of moonlight brightens the shed enough to see the crude tools and bloody implements hanging from the walls.] – (suggestion) A shaft of moonlight beams through the open door. Crude tools and bloody implements glisten from the walls.
Pg. 16 – Why is Doc wearing his union uniform?
Pg. 18 [Mae shields her eyes, trying to figure out what he’s chasing after.] – (suggestion) Mae shields her eyes in an attempt to see what he’s chasing.
Not sure why she would just shrug her shoulders – isn’t she nervous right now because of the boy?
I’m on page 20, and at this point Mae’s behaviour seems sporadic. It reads like the painting has upset her, now she’s decided to go after the sheep and she is distraught because she misses Jessie. Did the young boy showing up spur those emotions? She seemed to let Jessie go without a second thought, so why does she suddenly miss him so much she’s moved to tears? Is she or is she not spooked by the painting? It would be good for the reader to see that so we understand her reactions better.
Pg. 25 I thought Jessie was wounded with a branch protruding from his chest? Why isn’t Warren tending to that? There doesn’t seem to be any urgency about the wound.
Pg. 27 Mae was scared to the point of dropping and shattering her binoculars by the sight of the wolves, but yet she doesn’t tell Doc about the evil red eyes, or appear shaken at all as she tells him about what she saw.
Pg. 28 Why does Mae just throw the blankets out the door instead of at least placing them inside the door of the barn?
Pg. 29 [A skittish mount carrying its half-dead cargo trots up the water trough on front of the barn and stops.] – this doesn’t sound like a frightened horse, yet that’s how it is described when Doc grabs the reins.
Pg. 32 [Mae glances up warily up at the painting.] Mae glances up warily at the painting.
Pg. 37 I don’t think you need to tell us this is Nakai’s spot. Also, the warrior grabbing Sacheen by the throat doesn’t make sense – wouldn’t he be afraid of catching the illness? Why would there be a struggle on the floor with an old, sick, dying woman?
Pg. 41 Their food source is depleted – yet Mae chuckles. She seems to have forgotten about Jessie at this point.
Pg. 46 Why does Hank accept Nakai’s offer of a drink so easily, yet was fighting Mae and Doc?
Pg. 53 [Nakai, weak from lack of proper nutrition, and still winded from the game, tires and slows down.] - Nakai tires and slows – would suffice.
Pg. 54 – Maybe instead of [footsteps approach] – running footsteps approach – that would make the next scene with Mae winded make more sense.
Pg. 57 Why does Mae chase the warrior?
Pg. 62 Doc asking Mae if she’s okay, when she is obviously unconscious and not okay, seems weird.
Pg. 62 [Doc takes his jacket off, removes his coarse-spun undershirt, and puts his jacket over Nakai’s shoulders.] – Doc takes his jacket off and places it over Nakai’s shoulders, then removes his coarse-spun undershirt.
Pg. 64 [Somewhere deep in her subconscious, Mae realizes she has to help.] – May, barely conscious, moves her legs feebly.
Pg. 67 [He obviously fell in.] – I’d add a scene showing this.
Pg. 67 Courting? You hinted at an attraction early on, but it hasn't been alluded to until now - maybe weave more sexual tension into the relationship earlier on.
Pg. 71 At this point, I'm wondering if you might be able to use the painting better as a tool to tell the story. The way it shows up from time to time now is a bit jarring.
Pg. 73 How did Doc get Hank to the river? – He could barely carry Mae.
There's a reveal that Jessie is Doc's son -so why hasn't Doc been more concerned about his welfare until now? Not sure this is necessary,unless you beef up the tension as I mentioned earlier.
Doc says ‘It’s okay’ a lot throughout the script. - In fact, everyone does.
Pg. 82 – Are they arguing because Doc didn’t put candles on the list – or because he used up all of the candles?
Pg. 85 Why is Doc lying about Jessie and Warren?
Pg. 86 – The girl can speak? I think if you write in a relationship between Mae and this girl in the painting - perhaps they have conversations about the plague, the effects, what to expect from it... right now the explanation for it is weak 'keeping it as a reminder.' It would also serve the story well to have the painting more intimately involved.
Pg. 91 – Why didn’t Mae react when she saw the hankie? If this is what spurred her on to do what she does in the end, her reaction should be more pronounced.
Instead of asking [Did she see it?], add a line of dialogue for Doc “ Shit!”
[Could it be?] – could it be what? What does Doc think it might be?
Pg. 92 [It was only a fleeting fantasy anyway.] – what was only a fleeting fantasy?
Great ending! read -
A review of Wolf-Girlby DebraSwan on 06/30/2012You have the mechanics of writing a screenplay down - there's lots of white space and for the most part, concise description. Formatting is also well done. Your story, however, left me with lots of questions. This piece has potential, but has many plot holes you will need to address to bring it to the next level. I thought the best way to help you do that was to simple write... You have the mechanics of writing a screenplay down - there's lots of white space and for the most part, concise description. Formatting is also well done.
Your story, however, left me with lots of questions. This piece has potential, but has many plot holes you will need to address to bring it to the next level. I thought the best way to help you do that was to simple write my questions for you as I read. That way, you will see your story from a more objective perspective.
Please keep in mind, the questions are meant to help you, they're not a criticism of your story. I think you have a great premise and a good start to things.
NOTES/QUESTIONS
Beginning – the girls turning on their friend, despite her saving Caroline seemed odd to me. I could see them running from her in fright, or staying out of curiosity to ask questions, but bullying her seemed a bit unrealistic.
Why didn’t they tell their parents?
Pg. 8 Superhero figures save the bedroom from world domination. – love that image!
Pg. 8 Grant grabs the phone dials .. this sounds like he’s grabbing phone dials – break up the action to make it clearer … Grant grabs the phone and dials… or … Grant grabs the phone. Dials.
Pg. 12 Boss leaves the bar, but then he speaks. I think I know what your trying to portray, but it would read better if you have him pull out a map, picks up the money, - say the line, then leave the bar.
Pg. 14 I’m wondering why Lenny would want to rob a house that he knows is occupied, rather than targeting one that is empty?
Okay, I’ve just gone back to review what genre you’ve got this under and realize you’re going for action/comedy. I’m only 20 pages in, but my recommendation at this point is to ramp up the comedy. So far, it’s very subtle.
Pg. 19 The slug is Irish Bar – Night, but here you have Vinny leading them out of a ‘hide out’. You should change the slug or the action, but they need to be consistent.
Pg. 22 Rhonda seems a contradiction at this point – which is fine if that’s what you’re going for. She has been trying to stay under the radar, yet calls her teacher an asshole, drawing attention to herself.
Pg. 23 A board replaces the pane of glass, yet a hand breaks through a fresh pane. Again, description is inconsistent. Does it smash through a different pane? That’s what you need to tell the reader.
Pg. 24 – There’s no blood trail?
Pg. 31 Chuck doesn’t seem to surprised about grandma being kidnapped. Shouldn’t he be more alarmed?
Pg. 35 Chuck has a missing pinky? Why is this important, and why now?
How does Chuck know that the ‘people who took your grandmother are dangerous’? There’s a disconnect here.
Pg. 43 Why does Rhonda need to know Kung Fu when she is superhero strong already?
Pg. 50 Why aren’t Billy and Johnny afraid of Rhonda? She just turned into a wolf in front of their eyes. I think you could add more humour if the reactions were over the top real, rather than unbelievable.
Pg. 51 Now they’re scared – and surprised by her transformation, even though they’ve seen it before.
Pg. 56 Rhonda speaks to Chuck and Grant runs after her at the end of the scene, but we don’t know they’re in the scene until that point. This sort of thing makes for a confusing read at times.
Pg. 60 This isn’t making any sense – Grant all of a sudden wants to go to the dance, thinking it will calm Rhonda down from frantically looking for grandma? He’s the one that convinced her to become a super hero. You mention, almost in passing, that Rhonda has been terrorizing the neighbourhood – but we don’t see any of that. It makes it hard to ‘connect the dots’ in your story.
Pg. 61 There’s three successful wolf-thugs? I thought there was only one. When you write ‘the three successful wolf-thugs..’ it infers that the reader should know or remember something from before. If you want the reader to know at this point, you need to write it slightly different – ‘three wolf-thugs step out of the dark’ or something like that.
Pg. 64 Wolf-girl is not the only one that can challenge his power – there’s grandma and the wolf-thugs. Does Vinny not get this?
Pg. 64 Chuck transformed three people into super heroes by dressing them in an outfit, yet he had to teach wolf-girl kung-fu?
Pg. 67 Now Rhonda has lost her super powers? How?
Pg. 71 If Bruce is such a good guy, hard worker – why is he picking on Grant? Doesn’t add up.
Pg. 72 How did they catch grandma? Where did they find her? Last we saw her, she had escaped out the window. This is an opportunity to add some action – show us how they caught her again.
Pg. 78 Chuck’s indifference surprises me. He has 3 superheroes and his cousin is in trouble with wolf-thugs. Hasn’t he been waiting for an opportunity like this?
Pg. 80 Why aren’t they in more of a hurry to get to the dance and save Grant? Why did Rhonda go there instead of the dance?
Pg. 80 Why aren’t the kids more alarmed by all of this?
Pg. 82 Why doesn’t Rhonda change into Wolf-girl before she attacks Vinny instead of after?
Pg. 86 Brittany should be scared out of her wits. You may be trying to go for some humour here, but it just isn’t working and it doesn’t have the urgency that would make Rhonda appear and try to save her.
Pg. 87 You already told us there are only 2 entrances, you don’t have to tell us again here.
Pg. 87 This is the second time we’ve seen these three in the suits, so they’ve had them for longer than an hour – Maxine’s line doesn’t make sense.
Pg. 91 Why doesn’t Rhonda just shoot Vinny instead of telling him to stop?
Pg 94 Vinny buckles to the floor, but he’s outside now.
Pg. 95 Rhonda drops to the floor, yet they’re fighting outside – again, inconsistent.
Pg. 99 Okay, I was hoping for a big reveal on how Chuck became a wolf-man. I have to guess that Rhonda bled into him?
Ending – would work better for me if Grant and Rhonda blow off the prom instead of getting pulled into the clique mentality.
I think if you can fill in some of these plot holes, your piece would become top notch!
Other notes:
Dialogue was very on the nose in many places, and there were some spelling errors. You've a good start on the characters. Filling in some of the holes mentioned above will gives you an opportunity to further define them.
read -
A review of The Confidante v1Aby DebraSwan on 06/09/2012I understand that you're not interested in feedback on structure, spelling, technicalities etc., so I am focusing my review on story flow and content. Suffice to say that there are a few minor issues in this regard that I'm assuming you will take care of as you move forward with this piece. CONCEPT: Good CHARACTERS: Average DIALOGUE: Good STORY: Good STRUCTURE: Average OVERALL:... I understand that you're not interested in feedback on structure, spelling, technicalities etc., so I am focusing my review on story flow and content. Suffice to say that there are a few minor issues in this regard that I'm assuming you will take care of as you move forward with this piece.
CONCEPT: Good
CHARACTERS: Average
DIALOGUE: Good
STORY: Good
STRUCTURE: Average
OVERALL: Good
There were a few loose ends and plot holes that you might want to focus on in the re-write.
On Pg. 30 you refer to Richard's Scar. This needs to be set up better, in my opinion. Mention it sooner, perhaps when you describe him. I looked back and couldn't see anything where you even alluded to why the scar is important to the story. If it is, you might want to make that clearer.
It feels like Richard might have a troubled history. My recommendation is to expand on this a bit more. It will make his 'transformation' a bit more plausible.
Pg. 40 The back brace seemed new. I read backwards and found you mentioned it on Pg. 7, but it seemed to be only incidental. As it is significant to the story you might want to introduce it in a more memorable way. Perhaps have a scene where Richard actually straps himself into it showing the pain as he does.
Pg. 50 – There’s a serial killer in town, yet he still asks a librarian for help? And she has no suspicions at all? This doesn't add up for me. Even with the additional scene of them bantering about 'normal' folks curiosity. I think it would work better if Richard tries to hide his activity from her, or she becomes more suspicious by his behaviour.
Pg. 52 – Still dressed in khakis and button down? If he is 'still' dressed in khakis and button down, we need to know when he was 'first' dressed in them. Rather than still, perhaps just indicate he is dressed in normal street clothes or something. I think the point you want to make is he isn't dressed for convert operations, so it doesn't matter whether he is 'still' dressed in these clothes, only that he 'is' dressed in these clothes.
Pg. 55 Ray’s house - refer to this the same way you did the first time Richard and Jane were there. It's a bit jarring and confusing this way. We will know it's Ray's house by the fact that he is in it. It actually works as more of a surprise to find it out that way, rather than disclosing it through scene headings.
Pg. 82 Mary just shows up at Jane's bidding - I'd like to see how Jane engineered that. Play that out a bit more. If they had differences, it seems odd that Mary would accept Jane's grief so readily.
Pg. 88 Dolores helping seems way out of left field - no questions, no hesitations? Sorry, this needs to be re-thought.
Finally, the loose ends, which are: the librarian, Collin, and Danny. They know way too much for Richard and Jane to leave behind. I'd try to find some closure for these characters and the knowledge they hold. Coming in at 95 pages leaves you room to write in a few scenes that will provide this and still be quite reasonable in length.
I was engaged quickly, stayed engaged and did enjoy the read. You've done a great job with the killing scenes - very well done.
I'd like to see the next draft so let me know if you upload it.
Cheers,
Debra read -
A review of The Beneficiaryby DebraSwan on 05/29/2012This well written script was a pleasure to read. Nice concise writing that kept me engaged. There were a few disconnects with the story, but to be fair, I wasn't able to read the full piece in one sitting, so the disconnects might be attributed to that rather than the script. See my notes below. CONCEPT: Good I don't think I've read anything in this vain on the site before... This well written script was a pleasure to read. Nice concise writing that kept me engaged.
There were a few disconnects with the story, but to be fair, I wasn't able to read the full piece in one sitting, so the disconnects might be attributed to that rather than the script. See my notes below.
CONCEPT: Good
I don't think I've read anything in this vain on the site before.
CHARACTERS: Good
I particularly like the relationship between Malcolm and Duruzo.
DIALOGUE: Average
With the exception of the exchanges between Malcolm and Duruzo, the dialogue didn't stand out for me.
STORY: Good
With the exceptions of the few disconnects alluded to above.
STRUCTURE: Excellent
Very well done
OVERALL: Good
Nice job
NOTES WHILE READING:
Pg.3 Is the elderly woman one of the indigents mentioned in the opening scene? Perhaps indicating both male and female indigents would be good – my assumption was they were all male.
Pg. 4 Yuck! Nicely done.
Pg. 5 CAFETERIA
First line, I would start with Durazo instead of he – just so it’s crystal clear. ‘He’ will do for the rest of the sequence.
Pg. 7 “PARAMEDICS crash through the doors, wheeling in a line of immobilized patients. They’re the occupants of the minivan and hospital staff rush to accommodate them.”
Suggest: PARAMEDICS crash through the doors, wheeling in a line of immobilized patients – the occupants of the minivan. Hospital staff rush to administer treatment.”
Pg. 8 “Angel bursts into the ER. Saunters down the hall..” ‘saunters’ seems to contradict him bursting in. I’d use a different, more aggressive word.
Pg. 9 “The hand belongs to MALCOLM McDANIEL (58)”
I would suggest you show us this through action, something like…
A giant hand picks up the license. MALCOLM McDANIEL (58) throws it back on the desk. A seven-foot grizzly bear with fists like cinder blocks, he’s not to be messed with.
Pg. 11 “See, in addition to being your P.O., I’m also the founder of “Cons for Kids.”… just a bit on the nose.
Pg. 20 “And we realize she’s not being courted.”… just “she’s not being courted” would suffice here.
Pg. 36 “A MAN boards,” … “This is ACEVEDO”… would read better as “ACEVEDO boards,”, and loose the “This is ACEVEDO” at the tail end.
Pg. 45 “Only he means to keep.” … show this better. How do we, the reader, know he means it to keep?
Pg. 48 “Durazo ambles through the barrio”… do you mean Dario ambles through the barrio?
Pg. 58-62 although very well written, the hunt and chase down seem over kill for the offense, would snipers really be deployed? – or maybe I’m missing something.
Pg. 67 OUCH!
Pg 67 – 71 – Amazing writing!
Pg. 75 – not sure if I get this scene. Wouldn’t Dr. Reyes know that Durazo had been convicted, or does he not get which accident? Why would he agree to treating him – or was a threat made that I’m not catching? Why does he all of a sudden connect the dots?
Pg. 80 “Not going to find that on the warning label.” – great line.
Pg. 81 “Tosses him atop Dario’s bag and roll them out.” - not sure what you mean here.
Pg. 82 “But on the bench behind him” … on the beach behind him… would suffice
Pg. 84 “of Malcolm slipping” … as Malcolm slips … might be better
Pg. 101 Blood leaks out from under his vest … It’s not clear to me if you mean Angel’s vest or Durazo’s
Angel is somehow afraid of Durazo now and willing to bargain? – not sure this makes sense.
Pg. 107 “He turns back to Teo” … Duruzo turns back to Teo .. would make this clearer. Right now it reads as if Dario turns back.
Pg. 113 Do you mean Dario says “I’m breathing” not Duruzo? If not the ending confuses me a bit.
Thanks for a great read - sorry it took me so long to get it finished.
Cheers,
Debra read -
A review of COURIER TWELVEby DebraSwan on 03/28/2012Hi Brian, This is a very ambitious piece with so many story lines interwoven. I applaud you for getting it written and achieving so much with it. It must have been like writing 5 screenplays at the same time. I do have a few suggestions - the following notes were written as a read: Nice opening sequence page 1 -2. I think you need to add to some Scene Headings (DAY;NIGHT,... Hi Brian,
This is a very ambitious piece with so many story lines interwoven. I applaud you for getting it written and achieving so much with it. It must have been like writing 5 screenplays at the same time.
I do have a few suggestions - the following notes were written as a read:
Nice opening sequence page 1 -2.
I think you need to add to some Scene Headings (DAY;NIGHT, INT., EXT. – etc…)
Pg. 8 calender s/b calendar
BABE – “To be clear, your advances are unwelcome.” … this would be better shown through an action or description rather than through dialogue.
Pg. 9 It seems odd to me that Theo would open up to some random stranger on the street – which is what this scene feels like, so you need to let us know that they know each other - and you might have him leaning in the doorway of his shop, rather than a lamp post to make the scene more fluid.
Pg. 11 “ has it out for me” s/b “has it in for me”
Theo arrives late to awkward stares…. Doesn’t show the reader much. Try something like….
Theo sneaks in and slowly melts into the closest chair. Everyone stares – the quiet of the room is deafening.
… see how that paints a better picture for the reader?
Pg. 13 The room is full of young, well dressed INTERNS that review screenplays and scrawl notes… give us more. You’ve just described a completely different environment, so keep it up here…
…Young INTERNS, dressed in bold, bright colours, sit at desks that are polished like glass.
They scrawl notes as they read, and look up with smiles as Theo walks past each of them… again, painting a picture with words.
I’m going to stop making this point now, but you may want to look for other parts of the script where this can be done.
Pg. 16 The cursor continues to mock…. This is perfect! I know exactly what you mean and it helps me feel the ‘mood’.
Pg. 17 The shakes his head s.b Theo shakes his head
Pg. 21 Where did Rusty come from? Maybe have Babe walk past his desk as she walks away. That way having him in the scene all of a sudden isn’t so jarring.
Pg. 23 Who’s Vivian? Who’s Stone? Keep character names consistent or drop them... “give us a minute” has the same impact as “Vivian, give us a minute.”
Pg. 29 first aid-kit s/b first-aid kit
Pg. 35 “We were sent by Glen Goode” s/b “We were sent by Glen Goodrich"
Pg. 41 You only describe Agent Black approaching the Secret Service, yet all three agents have dialogue. You need to have all three approach, as you’ve just dispersed the crowd and it is assumed that only Agent Black is left because of the way it is written.
Pg. 43 BUILDING and MAINTAINANCE SHED don’t need to be capitalized. Check the script for this happening throughout.
Pg. 50 Agent black s/b Agent Black
Pg. 51… Way too many names to keep track of. It would make it a less confusing read if you were to narrow the names down. Example: instead of … “Got that grate loose, Frank?” …
try “Got that grate loose, Agent Smart?” or “Got that grate loose, Smart?” or simply “Got that grate loose?”
Pg. 52 “Told to have you detained if you showed back up and here you are.” … might be clearer as…
“Told to have you detained if you showed up again, and here you are.”
Pg. 55 – 57 Why does Theo give him the recorder? Doesn’t make sense, other than to set up the scene where he records his words at Babe’s desk and then loses it.
It may be more believable if you have it fall out of Theo’s pocket into the desk drawer – or he throws it in there to hide it from Trench. … just thinking as I type, but you might want to look at this set up again.
Pg. 76 - I’m finding that the comedy isn’t really a comedy – case in point, the top of pg. 76 seems more like an action/drama. I recommend you vamp up the comedy genre to make it really over the top funny so it stands out from the other story lines. They’ve been merging together up until now, and I’ve only just put my finger on why. You’ve got a lot going on here, so it’s important to really make each VERY distinctive.
Pg. 78 AGENT BLACK/RUSTY (to audience) “Suspenseful, ain’t it?”… this is another example of the point I just tried to make… this line is from the ACTION script, but is actually more comical. I would say this wouldn’t be an issue in another screenplay, but you are trying to accomplish something quite ambitious here with a lot of different story lines going on – again, I would say keep the genres ‘clean’ so it is less confusing.
Pg. 85 Why do they look on with concern – shouldn’t they look on in distain?
Pg. 93 “Everything is in the storage locker that goes to this key.”
Might be clearer as…
“This key opens the storage locker where you’ll find everything you need.”
Thanks for inviting me to read this piece - I think it's the first of yours that I've had the pleasure of commenting on. Hopefully, it won't be the last ;)
Cheers,
Debra read
Comments About DebraSwan 196
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gridlock on 04/05/2013
Thanks! You contributed to it greatly! (I have a surprise for you in our next book, by the way ;) I should be able to send you an advance copy in a couple of weeks! -
stephjones on 02/21/2013
Hey Debra,
Just want you to know I am doing a MAJOR rewrite on Chickin Lickin so please don't read the current draft. I should have the new one up sometime in 2014...if I'm lucky:) -
gapoz on 02/20/2013
DebraSwan wrote:Excellent post in the Constructive Review thread!
Cheers,
Debra
Thanks Debra. -
gridlock on 01/25/2013
Thanks for the shout-outs, and thank YOU for all your incredibly helpful review notes! I couldn't have done it without you!
Book two is in the works now. I'll make a formal announcement as we get closer to the publishing date, probably the end of March or so. I believe you may have given feedback on this one as well...(It's not one of my scripts, but I believe you know whose it is) I may have to offer you stock in the company if this keeps up ;) -
Dannie on 11/28/2012
Thanks, Debra! Appreciate your comment. -
gridlock on 10/31/2012
I appreciate the feedback -- as always. Thanks! -
AlexThompson on 10/14/2012
I haven't been getting the reminder updates, so I thought everyone was just stumped on the last word! I shall return and have your back! :-D -
cc chayce on 10/14/2012
Oops, guess I oughtta post here rather than on my own page, huh? ...
Thanks for the note, Debra! It'd be nice if those three highlights had resulted in a review or three! :) (It resulted in zero). I suppose if I stopped being so lazy and got back to reviewing others, and submitting more pieces, I might see more reviews of my own work. I kinda forgot about this place.
Cheers!
~ cal -
vbrewer1 on 10/04/2012
Debra,
Congratulations on the new status.
Would you mind responding to my question regarding format? I looked through the "Bible" and several other sources. I then went to featured sp from TS and found numerous ways to write a scene heading for a location within a location. But, because of the importance of 'city' vs. 'small town', my problem becomes a location within a location within a location. Confusing? -
dampcatproductions on 10/03/2012
DebraSwan wrote:I noticed you're copying and pasting replies to your comments on your own page. If you click 'quote' button, then 'cut' out of the screen, then go to the other member's page and click 'paste', it will show up on theirs. Otherwise they don't know that you've replied unless they revisit your page.
Congrats on uploading. Take all comments in stride, and learn from the ones you can.
Debra
Didn't know that...thanks for the heads up.
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Comments About DebraSwan 196
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Thanks! You contributed to it greatly! (I have a surprise for you in our next book, by the way ;) I should be able to send you an advance copy in a couple of weeks!
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Hey Debra,
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DebraSwan wrote:
Excellent post in the Constructive Review thread!
+ more commentsgridlock on 04/05/2013
stephjones on 02/21/2013
Just want you to know I am doing a MAJOR rewrite on Chickin Lickin so please don't read the current draft. I should have the new one up sometime in 2014...if I'm lucky:)
gapoz on 02/20/2013
Cheers,
Debra
Thanks Debra.