a screenplay
by DeeJay77
A world champion figure skater struggles to overcome the odds and make her Olympic dreams come true.
DeeJay77
member since 04/13/2010 |
last login 02/16/2013
A Mississippi girl with a passion for writing....
Bio
A Mississippi girl with a passion for writing.
Submissions by DeeJay77
Reviews by DeeJay77 19
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A review of Close Your Eyes And Floor It - 2nd Draftby DeeJay77 on 10/08/2010I must say you’ve come up with quite a nice idea. There’s an interesting story here and you tell it well. Your formatting is good and there were only two typos throughout, so good job. I think you’ve done a real good job of writing the dialogue. It flows well and sounds natural. I would suggest minimizing the number of times you use exclamation marks. Over using the exclamation... I must say you’ve come up with quite a nice idea. There’s an interesting story here and you tell it well. Your formatting is good and there were only two typos throughout, so good job.
I think you’ve done a real good job of writing the dialogue. It flows well and sounds natural. I would suggest minimizing the number of times you use exclamation marks. Over using the exclamation point tends to lessen its impact. Also, I don’t think it’s necessary or correct to underline or use all caps in blocks of dialogue. Other than that, great!
IMO, there are two areas in which your script could be improved. First, the story needs to be enriched a bit more. It interested me and kept my attention as I read, but I still think it could be improved. Secondly, Jimmy’s character needs to be further developed.
As presently written, Jimmy had a crappy home life growing up. He drinks like a fish, loves to have sex, and really doesn’t seem to care about much of anything. It’s a bit difficult for me to connect with this character and really care about what happens to him when he doesn’t seem to care about himself. From the get go, he needs to care about something, at least have some sort of desire or goal. For example, maybe his desire was to start his own R&R band. Perhaps he wanted to become a doctor but the circumstances surrounding his home life prevented him from doing so. His failed dreams, coupled with the hurt of losing Madeline, eventually leads to a life of depression and alcohol abuse. Now I can sympathize with him.
In regard to story, you already have the right elements so to speak. I think you just need to do a bit of re-arranging and do some minor tweaking. First of all, let the audience meet Yumi and Aiko earlier in the story. We could even learn something about Jimmy via one of their conversations. I also would like to see Jimmy looking at Aiko’s picture and being concerned about her from the very beginning.
Keep in mind, this is just my personal opinion, but I would consider changing the Jimmy/Yumi relationship. What if Jimmy and Yumi actually cared about each other but the odds were stacked against them? Let’s say they are both very young when she gets pregnant. Jimmy deals with his internal conflicts on a daily basis and doesn’t know how to be a great father or husband because his father never set a good example for him. Yumi’s family is filthy rich and snooty. The entire family considers Jimmy to be nothing more than a bum and that’s exactly how they treat him. These are serious problems for any relationship to withstand and overcome.
Finally, when Jimmy makes the mistake of sleeping with someone else, it’s the last straw for Yumi and they end up going separate ways. We could actually learn of this via Yumi explaining it to Aiko. I also think it would add to the emotional impact of the script if Yumi were a little less bitter towards Jimmy. Maybe, even at some point prior to Jimmy’s returning to Japan, we could hear Yumi tell Aiko something along the lines of “I have forgiven your father. I know he loved us in his own way, perhaps the only way he really knew how”. I just think this would add something to the reunion in general. Again, this is simply my opinion.
Overall, I think you have a good story on your hands, a story which has the potential to become an excellent story. I really enjoyed it. You’re clearly a very talented writer and I hope my input will be helpful to you in some way. If you have any questions or would like an opinion about something as you work on revisions, please let me know. I’m happy to help if I can. Please keep up the good work. I wish you the best of luck and look forward to reading another one of your scripts in the future.
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A review of SuperHero of the Yearby DeeJay77 on 10/03/2010Congratulations on completing this quite enjoyable script. This was actually the first children’s/family script that I've read here on TS and I must say it was refreshing. It was nice to read a script which didn’t contain a ton of foul language for a change. Not that I’m offended by colorful language by any means, I even use it in moderation in my own scripts, but you know... Congratulations on completing this quite enjoyable script. This was actually the first children’s/family script that I've read here on TS and I must say it was refreshing. It was nice to read a script which didn’t contain a ton of foul language for a change. Not that I’m offended by colorful language by any means, I even use it in moderation in my own scripts, but you know what I mean.
First of all, you have quite an interesting CONCEPT here. A movie about superheroes is nothing new of course, but the approach you take with the Superhero of the Year business makes this script unique in itself. I think you have done a good job of writing a SP which most all children would enjoy. I can tell you wholeheartedly that my little boy would love it.
This script is solid, STRUCTURED well, and you tell the story very well. The story moves along at a steady PACE. There was only one area which became a bit sluggish and that was when the superheroes were searching through Bullroy’s mansion and kept going around in circles in what apparently was a maze.
You’ve done a good job of creating interesting and likeable CHARACTERS, each one unique in his or her own way. I loved how Honorman ended up being Miller’s dad. Maybe I’m slow but I didn’t see that coming.
As far as dialogue goes, I think you’ve done a nice job of writing fairly natural dialogue. There are a few blocks that could still use some polishing but that is the case with about 99% of the scripts out there, including my own.
Technically, your FORMATTING is good and your typing is basically error free. I couldn’t believe it, not a single typo throughout, at least none that I was able to detect. You are the man! No matter how many times I read through my scripts, I can never find all of the typos.
If I were to suggest one thing which I believe would make this script even better, it would be to tighten up and polish your action lines. Most of them are too wordy. For example, on page 20, where you describe Miller getting dressed, you could simply say: Flustered, nervous, Miller rushes to get dressed. In walks Meghan. I believe this would provide for an even smoother read, as well as make the script more appealing to industry readers.
I think this is probably the shortest, least critical review I’ve done thus far here on TS. Maybe it’s my inexperience with this genre but I just didn’t find a lot wrong with it. Overall, I think you’ve done a nice job of creating a SP with commercial appeal. If you have any specific questions for me, please feel free to contact me. In the meantime, keep up the good work and I wish you the best of luck!
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A review of Epiphany V2by DeeJay77 on 09/29/2010Congratulations on completing this SP. I found the CONCEPT interesting and I enjoyed the read. Opening with Sarah’s murder serves as a strong hook for the audience. You really grabbed my attention and sparked my interest quickly which is exactly what you want to do, so good job. STORY As I said, I really enjoyed your story; however, I think there is still room for improvement... Congratulations on completing this SP. I found the CONCEPT interesting and I enjoyed the read. Opening with Sarah’s murder serves as a strong hook for the audience. You really grabbed my attention and sparked my interest quickly which is exactly what you want to do, so good job.
STORY
As I said, I really enjoyed your story; however, I think there is still room for improvement. I made the following notes and suggestions as I read:
Abigail declines Horace’s marriage proposal then spends the next few months in Thailand. As the reader, I needed to know why she was going to Thailand. According to your synopsis, I thought the trip had something to do with searching for her sister's killer, but I didn't get that from the reading. Maybe I missed something. From what I gathered, she basically went on the trip to sort through some personal feelings, to find herself so to speak. But, was that really the purpose? And, why did she choose Thailand?
The only thing accomplished during all of the time spent in Thailand was the development of Abigail’s and Kan’s relationship, which is nice. But, during this period of time, I didn’t really know where the story was going. You really need some sub-story taking place during this time. Otherwise, you run the risk of your audience becoming bored. Suggestion: Why not have Abigail be about 12 yrs old when Sarah’s murder takes place? She loved her older sister dearly and is now determined to see her killer(s) brought to justice. Perhaps, she learns of a lead which was never thoroughly addressed by law enforcement officials. This lead ends up taking her to Thailand. While there, she carries out her own personal investigation and falls in love with Kan in the process. This is simply a place holder, but you get my point.
DIALOGUE
Your dialogue is pretty good. There were only a few blocks in which I found a real problem. On p. 43, Abi’s dialogue, during her argument with Kan, didn’t work for me. This woman was raised as a Christian and has never sworn a day in her life. I found it hard to believe that she all of the sudden started letting the “F” word fly. Hell or Damn, yes. But the “F” word, no.
On p. 41, Kan apologizes to Abi for kissing her. Abigail’s response didn’t work for me. I wanted to sense and feel more emotion from her. There needs to be a subtle hint of her true feelings here.
CHARACTERS
You’ve done a good job of creating interesting and likable characters. Abigail and Kan were very appealing. I really liked Hippy too. He was hilarious with the fire twirlers. Chloe was funny as well. And let’s not forget Gladys, nice addition of comedy there.
TECHNICAL
Overall, your formatting is good. I would suggest shortening your montages a bit. Also, on P. 88, I think you could probably use a series of shots instead of another montage here.
One other thing you may wish to clarify is Abigail’s voice over during the montages. Does she speak prior to the montage, or speak throughout the montage?
For your convenience, I made a list of page numbers which contain typos: 3, 8, 12, 13, 39 and 50. I also believed there is a block of dialogue assigned to the wrong character on p. 57.
I hope you will find my notes helpful in some way. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me. You are a talented writer and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Keep up the good work! read
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Submissions by DeeJay77
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a screenplay by DeeJay77A world champion figure skater struggles to overcome the odds and make her Olympic dreams come true.
Reviews by DeeJay77 19
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A review of Close Your Eyes And Floor It - 2nd Draftby DeeJay77 on 10/08/2010I must say you’ve come up with quite a nice idea. There’s an interesting story here and you tell it well. Your formatting is good and there were only two typos throughout, so good job. I think you’ve done a real good job of writing the dialogue. It flows well and sounds natural. I would suggest minimizing the number of times you use exclamation marks. Over using the exclamation... I must say you’ve come up with quite a nice idea. There’s an interesting story here and you tell it well. Your formatting is good and there were only two typos throughout, so good job.
I think you’ve done a real good job of writing the dialogue. It flows well and sounds natural. I would suggest minimizing the number of times you use exclamation marks. Over using the exclamation point tends to lessen its impact. Also, I don’t think it’s necessary or correct to underline or use all caps in blocks of dialogue. Other than that, great!
IMO, there are two areas in which your script could be improved. First, the story needs to be enriched a bit more. It interested me and kept my attention as I read, but I still think it could be improved. Secondly, Jimmy’s character needs to be further developed.
As presently written, Jimmy had a crappy home life growing up. He drinks like a fish, loves to have sex, and really doesn’t seem to care about much of anything. It’s a bit difficult for me to connect with this character and really care about what happens to him when he doesn’t seem to care about himself. From the get go, he needs to care about something, at least have some sort of desire or goal. For example, maybe his desire was to start his own R&R band. Perhaps he wanted to become a doctor but the circumstances surrounding his home life prevented him from doing so. His failed dreams, coupled with the hurt of losing Madeline, eventually leads to a life of depression and alcohol abuse. Now I can sympathize with him.
In regard to story, you already have the right elements so to speak. I think you just need to do a bit of re-arranging and do some minor tweaking. First of all, let the audience meet Yumi and Aiko earlier in the story. We could even learn something about Jimmy via one of their conversations. I also would like to see Jimmy looking at Aiko’s picture and being concerned about her from the very beginning.
Keep in mind, this is just my personal opinion, but I would consider changing the Jimmy/Yumi relationship. What if Jimmy and Yumi actually cared about each other but the odds were stacked against them? Let’s say they are both very young when she gets pregnant. Jimmy deals with his internal conflicts on a daily basis and doesn’t know how to be a great father or husband because his father never set a good example for him. Yumi’s family is filthy rich and snooty. The entire family considers Jimmy to be nothing more than a bum and that’s exactly how they treat him. These are serious problems for any relationship to withstand and overcome.
Finally, when Jimmy makes the mistake of sleeping with someone else, it’s the last straw for Yumi and they end up going separate ways. We could actually learn of this via Yumi explaining it to Aiko. I also think it would add to the emotional impact of the script if Yumi were a little less bitter towards Jimmy. Maybe, even at some point prior to Jimmy’s returning to Japan, we could hear Yumi tell Aiko something along the lines of “I have forgiven your father. I know he loved us in his own way, perhaps the only way he really knew how”. I just think this would add something to the reunion in general. Again, this is simply my opinion.
Overall, I think you have a good story on your hands, a story which has the potential to become an excellent story. I really enjoyed it. You’re clearly a very talented writer and I hope my input will be helpful to you in some way. If you have any questions or would like an opinion about something as you work on revisions, please let me know. I’m happy to help if I can. Please keep up the good work. I wish you the best of luck and look forward to reading another one of your scripts in the future.
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A review of SuperHero of the Yearby DeeJay77 on 10/03/2010Congratulations on completing this quite enjoyable script. This was actually the first children’s/family script that I've read here on TS and I must say it was refreshing. It was nice to read a script which didn’t contain a ton of foul language for a change. Not that I’m offended by colorful language by any means, I even use it in moderation in my own scripts, but you know... Congratulations on completing this quite enjoyable script. This was actually the first children’s/family script that I've read here on TS and I must say it was refreshing. It was nice to read a script which didn’t contain a ton of foul language for a change. Not that I’m offended by colorful language by any means, I even use it in moderation in my own scripts, but you know what I mean.
First of all, you have quite an interesting CONCEPT here. A movie about superheroes is nothing new of course, but the approach you take with the Superhero of the Year business makes this script unique in itself. I think you have done a good job of writing a SP which most all children would enjoy. I can tell you wholeheartedly that my little boy would love it.
This script is solid, STRUCTURED well, and you tell the story very well. The story moves along at a steady PACE. There was only one area which became a bit sluggish and that was when the superheroes were searching through Bullroy’s mansion and kept going around in circles in what apparently was a maze.
You’ve done a good job of creating interesting and likeable CHARACTERS, each one unique in his or her own way. I loved how Honorman ended up being Miller’s dad. Maybe I’m slow but I didn’t see that coming.
As far as dialogue goes, I think you’ve done a nice job of writing fairly natural dialogue. There are a few blocks that could still use some polishing but that is the case with about 99% of the scripts out there, including my own.
Technically, your FORMATTING is good and your typing is basically error free. I couldn’t believe it, not a single typo throughout, at least none that I was able to detect. You are the man! No matter how many times I read through my scripts, I can never find all of the typos.
If I were to suggest one thing which I believe would make this script even better, it would be to tighten up and polish your action lines. Most of them are too wordy. For example, on page 20, where you describe Miller getting dressed, you could simply say: Flustered, nervous, Miller rushes to get dressed. In walks Meghan. I believe this would provide for an even smoother read, as well as make the script more appealing to industry readers.
I think this is probably the shortest, least critical review I’ve done thus far here on TS. Maybe it’s my inexperience with this genre but I just didn’t find a lot wrong with it. Overall, I think you’ve done a nice job of creating a SP with commercial appeal. If you have any specific questions for me, please feel free to contact me. In the meantime, keep up the good work and I wish you the best of luck!
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A review of Epiphany V2by DeeJay77 on 09/29/2010Congratulations on completing this SP. I found the CONCEPT interesting and I enjoyed the read. Opening with Sarah’s murder serves as a strong hook for the audience. You really grabbed my attention and sparked my interest quickly which is exactly what you want to do, so good job. STORY As I said, I really enjoyed your story; however, I think there is still room for improvement... Congratulations on completing this SP. I found the CONCEPT interesting and I enjoyed the read. Opening with Sarah’s murder serves as a strong hook for the audience. You really grabbed my attention and sparked my interest quickly which is exactly what you want to do, so good job.
STORY
As I said, I really enjoyed your story; however, I think there is still room for improvement. I made the following notes and suggestions as I read:
Abigail declines Horace’s marriage proposal then spends the next few months in Thailand. As the reader, I needed to know why she was going to Thailand. According to your synopsis, I thought the trip had something to do with searching for her sister's killer, but I didn't get that from the reading. Maybe I missed something. From what I gathered, she basically went on the trip to sort through some personal feelings, to find herself so to speak. But, was that really the purpose? And, why did she choose Thailand?
The only thing accomplished during all of the time spent in Thailand was the development of Abigail’s and Kan’s relationship, which is nice. But, during this period of time, I didn’t really know where the story was going. You really need some sub-story taking place during this time. Otherwise, you run the risk of your audience becoming bored. Suggestion: Why not have Abigail be about 12 yrs old when Sarah’s murder takes place? She loved her older sister dearly and is now determined to see her killer(s) brought to justice. Perhaps, she learns of a lead which was never thoroughly addressed by law enforcement officials. This lead ends up taking her to Thailand. While there, she carries out her own personal investigation and falls in love with Kan in the process. This is simply a place holder, but you get my point.
DIALOGUE
Your dialogue is pretty good. There were only a few blocks in which I found a real problem. On p. 43, Abi’s dialogue, during her argument with Kan, didn’t work for me. This woman was raised as a Christian and has never sworn a day in her life. I found it hard to believe that she all of the sudden started letting the “F” word fly. Hell or Damn, yes. But the “F” word, no.
On p. 41, Kan apologizes to Abi for kissing her. Abigail’s response didn’t work for me. I wanted to sense and feel more emotion from her. There needs to be a subtle hint of her true feelings here.
CHARACTERS
You’ve done a good job of creating interesting and likable characters. Abigail and Kan were very appealing. I really liked Hippy too. He was hilarious with the fire twirlers. Chloe was funny as well. And let’s not forget Gladys, nice addition of comedy there.
TECHNICAL
Overall, your formatting is good. I would suggest shortening your montages a bit. Also, on P. 88, I think you could probably use a series of shots instead of another montage here.
One other thing you may wish to clarify is Abigail’s voice over during the montages. Does she speak prior to the montage, or speak throughout the montage?
For your convenience, I made a list of page numbers which contain typos: 3, 8, 12, 13, 39 and 50. I also believed there is a block of dialogue assigned to the wrong character on p. 57.
I hope you will find my notes helpful in some way. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me. You are a talented writer and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Keep up the good work! read -
A review of And They Say Life Sucksby DeeJay77 on 09/22/2010First, let me say congratulations on completing this entertaining screenplay. I really enjoyed reading it. The concept behind this script is interesting. It's not an original idea, but there is enough here to set it apart from other scripts of its kind. This SP is well structured. The formatting is good. The writing contains a minimal number of typos, and you tell the story... First, let me say congratulations on completing this entertaining screenplay. I really enjoyed reading it.
The concept behind this script is interesting. It's not an original idea, but there is enough here to set it apart from other scripts of its kind. This SP is well structured. The formatting is good. The writing contains a minimal number of typos, and you tell the story very well.
I think you've done a good job of creating unique characters, most importantly a protagonist who most people can relate to. However, I still believe you can make Harvey even more appealing to your audience. As written, he is just a tad too bitter and abrasive. I think if you were to tone him down just a little, the audience would be more sympathetic towards him and find him much more likable.
You have also done a good job with writing dialogue which for the most part comes across as natural. As I mentioned above, each character has a unique voice and that is a very important element when it comes to good script writing. You know what they say “with any good script, you can close your eyes, hear the dialogue, and know exactly who's speaking without having to be told”. I would like to point out one thing that I personally found a bit distracting as I read. I realize that it's natural for people to start and stop while speaking and perhaps not complete their thoughts from time to time, but I found this to be overdone in this script. It occurred so frequently that it began to feel somewhat forced to me.
In regard to the story in general, it was funny and actually delivers a powerful message. I think it's fair to say that most of us are often guilty of thinking along the same lines as Harvey (My life stinks. I never can catch a break. Everything always seems to work out for every one else but me, etc.). However, if we would just take the time to open our eyes and look around, we would realize that things aren't nearly as bad as we perceive them and that we are probably more fortunate than the majority of people in this world. BTW, nice surprise with Rooster turning out to be Doug. That was great.
I would like to mention one thing in regard to the style of writing this story, and please keep in mind that this is simply my personal opinion. In your synopsis, you warn the reader in advance about the use of excessive foul language. Therefore, I couldn't help but wonder if you excessively used those words because it's simply your style of writing, or if it was because you felt you had to in order to make the script funny. If it's just your style, great. If it's because of the later, then don't do it because you don't need to. In fact, one of the funniest parts of your script was when Corey looked over, say Scrawny doing something stupid, and simply said “crap”.
Don't get me wrong, I find colorful language entertaining and funny when it's used in moderation, but keep in mind that a little goes a long way and is often times the most effective method.
Technical: I made a list of typos/errors for you convenience:
P 10. (extra question marks used after a block of dialogue).
P 33.(re-read this page. Harvey/Corey are used interchangeably and I think it should just be Corey).
P. 61-62 (Barbara visits both Harvey's/Corey's grave).
P. 71 (George says “Hi Harvey and Karen”)
Overall, good job on this script and keep up the good work. If you have any specific questions, please feel free to contact me. Best of luck! read -
A review of The Touch (r.2)by DeeJay77 on 09/04/2010First, let me say that I’m all about romance and really enjoyed reading your story. I also love animals and wanted to become a vet as a child, so that connected me with Lucas right off the bat. He was definitely an interesting character and I liked him. Your story is interesting and structured well. When I first started reading, I thought it was just going to be a repeat... First, let me say that I’m all about romance and really enjoyed reading your story. I also love animals and wanted to become a vet as a child, so that connected me with Lucas right off the bat. He was definitely an interesting character and I liked him.
Your story is interesting and structured well. When I first started reading, I thought it was just going to be a repeat of the movie “As Good as it Gets”. However, that was not the case at all. It turned out to be quite unique, or at least I’ve never read/seen anything along the same lines.
Overall, you’ve done a really good job on this script but there were a couple of things that puzzled me as a reader. I couldn’t figure out why Darcy didn’t recognize Lucas when she ran into him in Cascade. I would have thought that seeing him wearing gloves out in public and hearing the real estate agent refer to him as the town freak would have at least triggered her memory and caused her to question his identity at that point. The other thing that puzzled me was that after Lucas saw Darcy in Cascade the first time, he told Sam that he never thought she would turn up there. However, at the end of the story, we learn that his entire reason for moving to Cascade in the first place was because he remembered her saying as a child that she would like to live there one day. These are not major issues by any means but just thought I should point them out.
The only real criticism that I have to offer is in regard to dialogue. At times it was a bit expository and it seemed that the characters often sounded the same. Everyone tended to use the exact same curse words (shit and the “F” word). You might want to mix it up a bit. For example, “Get the F off my property”. Perhaps you could say “Get the hell off my property”. I think a little tweaking and sharpening in this area would improve your script greatly.
There are several typos which are always so difficult for the writer to locate. I kept a list of those as I read but left the list on my desk at work. I’m sure other reviewers have already pointed them out, but I will email my findings to you sometime over the weekend, just in case.
Congrats on completing this SP and I hope that my comments will be helpful in some way. If you have any specific questions, please feel free to contact me. Otherwise, keep up the good work and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Take Care.
Donna
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A review of Silver Liningby DeeJay77 on 08/18/2010It’s always a blast to read a script that entertains me and makes me laugh hysterically, and that is why I thoroughly enjoyed reading Silver Lining. The concept behind this script is both interesting and unique. I must say this is the first script that I have ever read of this nature. From a reader’s perspective, this script is extremely well written. It flowed smoothly and... It’s always a blast to read a script that entertains me and makes me laugh hysterically, and that is why I thoroughly enjoyed reading Silver Lining. The concept behind this script is both interesting and unique. I must say this is the first script that I have ever read of this nature.
From a reader’s perspective, this script is extremely well written. It flowed smoothly and it was very easy to read. The writer does an excellent job of describing the action; therefore, I could easily visualize everything taking place on the big screen. There were very few typos noted. You may wish to check the following pages and make corrections as indicated (pp. 50, 65, 91, 94, and 103).
I have been a nurse for many years, and my first job out of nursing school was at a nursing home. Perhaps that is part of the reason that I liked this story so much. I love the characters. They were a lot of fun, well developed, and you did a nice job of creating unique voices for each of them. In regard to dialogue, I found the dialogue to be clean and crisp. There were very few blocks that I found myself having to go back and read twice, so great job!
There is one minimal writing infraction that I would like to point out, which pertains to the Bingo game. The numbers that you have assigned to the letters do not actually exist in a real Bingo game. In a real game, I think the numbers range something like this: B (1-15), I (16-29), N (30-45), G (46-59), and O (60-75). This may not be exact, but it’s really close. Please don’t think I’m nit picking here, I just wanted to bring it to your attention for accuracy purposes. I guess it’s obvious that I’ve spent way too much time in Bingo parlors!
Again, you have done an overall great job on this script. I hope my comments will be helpful to you. If you have any specific questions, please feel free to contact me. Congratulations on your accomplishment and I wish you much luck! read -
A review of Anne Bonnyby DeeJay77 on 08/15/2010CONCEPT: Overall, the concept of Anne Bonny, which is based on a true story, is a rather interesting one. I enjoyed reading this screenplay; however, I believe additional work is needed in order for it to reach its full potential. The beginning of the story really grabbed my attention. I immediately thought: “I’m going to love this”. I wish I could say that I did love it, but... CONCEPT:
Overall, the concept of Anne Bonny, which is based on a true story, is a rather interesting one. I enjoyed reading this screenplay; however, I believe additional work is needed in order for it to reach its full potential. The beginning of the story really grabbed my attention. I immediately thought: “I’m going to love this”. I wish I could say that I did love it, but to be honest I somewhat lost interest as the story went along.
STORY/CHARACTERS:
I found most of the characters to be interesting and unique.
The biggest problem that I had with this script was the under development of the protagonist. I never really connected with Anne. I know that she was strong willed, lost her mother at a young age, and had an over bearing father who basically wanted to control every aspect of her life. However, I have no idea who she was inside. For example: Before she got married and ran away from home, what were her personal goals and future dreams? It was difficult for me to like or even care about her because I knew so little about her.
I also think that the relationship between Anne and Rackham was under developed. I understand that she married James for the wrong reasons and never really loved him. Rackham was supposedly the man that she really loved, but I never sensed a true feeling of love between them at all. They had sex but that was about it.
I don’t know how true to the actual story it might be, but the fight between Anne and her father was a bit over the top to me. I just didn’t find it plausible that her father, a wealthy plantation owner, would tackle his daughter to the ground and try to rough her up so to speak. If that’s how it actually happened, then I’m fine with it. If not, you might consider toning it down to an intense, heated verbal disagreement.
Also in regard to plausibility, Anne and Mary were both involved in heavy combat aboard the ship which included everything from being shot to being sliced with a sword. The next thing I know, they’re both nine months pregnant. Were these women battling it out in a state of pregnancy, or did I miss a time lapse somewhere between the fighting and the two of them standing in front of the governor begging him to have mercy on them?
DIALOGUE:
As far as dialogue goes, I can’t imagine how much time and effort went into creating the dialogue for this script. I wouldn’t have a clue about writing pirate verbiage. The only blocks of dialogue that I had a problem with belonged to Mary. There were times when she sounded like two entirely different people. Other than that, I think you did a good job in this area.
WRITING/GRAMMER:
The script is well written and contains minimal typographical errors.
OVERALL:
This is a unique script and I believe it has great potential. You are obviously a very talented writer and I applaud the work that you have done on this screenplay. I don’t know how far you can stray from the actual facts surrounding this true story, but I believe that if you would develop Anne and her relationship with Rackham on a deeper level that it would improve the script tremendously.
I hope that my comments will prove to be helpful to you. Keep up the good work and I wish you the best of luck with this script. If you have any questions for me, please feel free to contact me.
read -
A review of Kabul : Abortby DeeJay77 on 07/21/2010Review for Kabul: Abort I am always interested in the military happenings in the Middle East; therefore, I found the concept of the script to be interesting. The story opens with a bang and your description of the action is very vivid and explanatory. My heart was broken and I was brought to tears when Fahran’s parents were killed right in front of him. On the lighter side... Review for Kabul: Abort
I am always interested in the military happenings in the Middle East; therefore, I found the concept of the script to be interesting. The story opens with a bang and your description of the action is very vivid and explanatory. My heart was broken and I was brought to tears when Fahran’s parents were killed right in front of him. On the lighter side of things, I found myself amused and entertained by the conversations that took place between Farhan, PFC Bateson, and SPC Frazier, as well as those between Farzad and Ali. Overall, I enjoyed your story and style of writing. However, I believe that there are a few areas in which it can be improved. I am relatively a new writer and by no means am I an expert, but I will offer some input and suggestions which I hope you will find to be useful in improving your script. Because of the 250 word limit, I will forward a copy of the entire review to you.
Characters: I didn’t have a problem with any of the characters. I found them to be interesting and each one spoke in their own individual style and tone.
Plot: This is the area in which I feel the script could be most improved. Even though I enjoyed your story, I never really felt that the characters were working towards or striving to achieve a particular goal and I never really sensed a real climax to the story. I would have enjoyed seeing Fahran having to make a tougher decision in regard to helping Farzad. He risked getting himself into trouble with NATO, but I’m talking about a decision such as risking his own life in order to save his childhood friend’s life.
Dialogue: There were a few blocks of dialogue that was a bit on the nose, but overall it was pretty good. This is simply my personal opinion but I think the “F” word was a bit overused. There were several instances where it really fit, but other times it could and probably should have been omitted.
Formatting/Grammer/etc: For me, this is the toughest area of a screenplay to correct on my own because once I become so familiar with the script, I seem to read it just as it should read, inadvertently overlooking the misspellings, omissions, etc. Review the following pages of your script: p.10 (the action line where Ahmed motions to the door…), p. 31 (action line where Farzad looks, teens place mortar….), p. 42 (the words stand and see should be stands and seen), p 53 (“a” should be and) p. 63 (a block of Farhan’s dialogue is assigned to Afghan soldier) p. 68 (tiberculosis is misspelled, it should be tuberculosis) and (also re-check format for telephone conversation on the same page). p. 70 (meen is misspelled) P. 86 (Rift should be capitalized).
The only other thing I would like to suggest is in regard to blocks of action: According to the Screenwriter’s Bible, blocks of action should not exceed 4 lines.
You are clearly a talented writer and I hope that this review will be helpful to you. Good luck with this script and I wish you the best! read
Comments About DeeJay77 24
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maryf on 11/19/2010
Hi,
I've been thinking about my review of your screenplay heart of gold. I hope I wasn't too harsh in my review. Maybe it wasn't fair for me to review your screenplay since I'm not a fan of the genre that you wrote in. With the exception of the movie Big Fan I generally stay away from sports movies. One thing that I enjoyed was the clarity of storytelling. I hope to read more of your writing in the future. Good Luck.
Maryf -
jmdsbussrv on 10/30/2010
I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you again for your review of SuperHero of the Year, first version.
I have finished the rewrites and have reposted the next version.
Though one can never implement everything that everyone may mention or suggest, I did implement quite a bit from the overall pool of reviews, yours included.
If you do happen to review this again, please feel free to address anything that you mentioned before if it does not seem fixed. Be careful when you read, however; since many items have been addressed "off the nose" or with only a few words here and there.
Thank you again, and I wish you well.
PS, I'll remember you if this ever sees the light of day.
JIM -
jmdsbussrv on 10/22/2010
Hey, Donna, thanks for watching the trailer.
I am done with the major rewrite and have put it away for a few days to read it fresh for smoothing out and fine tuning before reposting it.
Thanks again and I wish you well.
JIM -
Jones25 on 10/21/2010
DeeJay77 wrote:
Hi Ewan,
Thanks for taking the time to review Heart of Gold, much appreciated. You are exactly right about the prose and the dialogue. I've just completed a revised draft and after much omitting and tightening , the script is now 6 pages shorter in length. So that's a good thing!
Again, I appreciate the review and I'm glad you found it enjoyable. I look forward to reading some of your work soon. Take care.
:) Donna
Well done on shortening your script that much. Yeah, I've posted my screenplay today so feel free to read it and give me a roasting.
All the best, Ewan. -
naomilamont on 10/12/2010
Hi Donna,
Thanks heaps for your congrats. It's actually pretty nerve wracking waiting for the Shark to tear everything apart.
My fingers are crossed you'll be nominated soon too.
Thanks again,
Naomi.
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mdoliner on 10/12/2010
Thank you for your review of Detroit. Yes, the twist in the story is that Joe doesn't do anything. Al destroys himself through his own paranoia. -
Matthew Spira on 10/09/2010
Donna,
You know your way around a screenplay, and you applied precision to how you constructed HEART OF GOLD. The fundamental problem for me is I just don't think this is a story you're passionate about. I suspect it's a story you thought was commercial.
The trick of a spec romance- and it's a surprising difficult one to pull off- is to find a story that combines true commercial viability with genuine emotional resonance. The stakes need to not just be external. You have to make Jenna truly vulnerable on her deepest levels of being where she has absolutely no defenses. And then you have Ethan be there for her when it REALLY counts.
If you succeed in doing that, you'll have your audience hook, line and sinker.
-Matt -
jmdsbussrv on 10/08/2010
Here are the links. The first one is better and is flash AND will take a few minutes to download. It may skip until it finished downloading if your connection is sluggish at the time.
The second link is another possibility, but is much smaller frame size.
NOTE: This was a NO budget attempt so the SFX are a bit "cheesy", just to forewarn you.
http://liquidchariot.com/shydemo/shydemo.html
http://liquidchariot.com/shy/shy.html
Feel free to offer any input.
Thank you. -
jmdsbussrv on 10/08/2010
Just found out that the SHY Demo was against the rules (no trailers) and someone flagged it, so I had to delete it. I can send you a link if you didn't get to see it and are still interested.
Thanks. -
jmdsbussrv on 10/05/2010
By the way, I realized that I hadn't written an official "thank you" for your review of SuperHero of the Year.
Thank you.
Your comments were appreciated, and I do know what you mean.
You are correct about the action lines and I am working on those for the rewrite. I hope to have the rewrite posted on the site if all goes as planned. It already has a lot of changes upcoming.
Thanks again and I wish you well.
JIM
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Comments About DeeJay77 24
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Quote
Hi,
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I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you again for your review of SuperHero of the Year, first version.
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Quote
Hey, Donna, thanks for watching the trailer.
+ more commentsmaryf on 11/19/2010
I've been thinking about my review of your screenplay heart of gold. I hope I wasn't too harsh in my review. Maybe it wasn't fair for me to review your screenplay since I'm not a fan of the genre that you wrote in. With the exception of the movie Big Fan I generally stay away from sports movies. One thing that I enjoyed was the clarity of storytelling. I hope to read more of your writing in the future. Good Luck.
Maryf
jmdsbussrv on 10/30/2010
I have finished the rewrites and have reposted the next version.
Though one can never implement everything that everyone may mention or suggest, I did implement quite a bit from the overall pool of reviews, yours included.
If you do happen to review this again, please feel free to address anything that you mentioned before if it does not seem fixed. Be careful when you read, however; since many items have been addressed "off the nose" or with only a few words here and there.
Thank you again, and I wish you well.
PS, I'll remember you if this ever sees the light of day.
JIM
jmdsbussrv on 10/22/2010
I am done with the major rewrite and have put it away for a few days to read it fresh for smoothing out and fine tuning before reposting it.
Thanks again and I wish you well.
JIM