Deva
member since 05/22/2008 |
last login 12/15/2012
Steadily picking up right notes for the concert....
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Steadily picking up right notes for the concert.
Submissions by Deva
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Reviews by Deva 42
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A review of Amber Bellsby Deva on 02/09/2010A lot of work has to go into the script to make it a compelling one. I dont know how it could be made right. Towards the later pages the story picked up but its very late. I have noted and recommended some points pagewise. Although I have not gone deep into the analysis of the script, the following points can be taken as a showroom piece of what is present in the warehouse... A lot of work has to go into the script to make it a compelling one. I dont know how it could be made right. Towards the later pages the story picked up but its very late.
I have noted and recommended some points pagewise. Although I have not gone deep into the analysis of the script, the following points can be taken as a showroom piece of what is present in the warehouse.
Page 01
“EXT. LANDSCAPE NURSERY – DAY
The landscape nursery, viewed from the air, is full of
blooming flowers. There are rows and rows of plants of
every kind.
At one end of the rows stands a warehouse with an outdoor
work area beside it. Nearby is a mobile home.
KAREN, a slightly plump, middle aged woman works at a
table in a work area.
EXT. NURSERY OUTDOOR WORK AREA – DAY
Karen transplants small plants from seedling trays to
individual clay pots.”
Note: This is your first page. The surrounding you created is nice and beautiful. The problem in these two scenes is: you tend to overwrite/repeat things and there’s a perception error here. The above scenes can be written as follows. Of course, it’s not final, it’s just a try to make things simpler.
What’s a ‘Landscape Nursery’?
Lets put it simply as ‘Nursery.’
‘Viewed from the air’ is a camera direction and it’s a director’s say. So better avoid such action statements.
You can’t say ‘At one end of the rows...’ ‘One end’ is singular and ‘rows’ is plural. Needs modification.
Don’t write ‘middle aged.’ It’s kind of general. Instead, try to be specific. Another point, when you show her, just don’t show her. Give a conflict in her action or in her demeanor. Make the reader ponder ‘what she is thinking.’
The second scene’s slug line is unnecessary.
Okay lets go...
EXT. NURSERY – DAY
A sea of bloomed flowers in rows sways to the gentle breeze.
Towards the end, a warehouse dominates the area and a mobile home standing nearby. It appears to have witnessed a lot of sun and rain.
At a table, two adept hands busy transplanting seedlings in individual clay pots from trays.
The hands are of... KAREN, late 40’s, and appears as if she never gave a thought about dieting. She’s drowned in some thought.
………………………………………………………………………………………………
On same page:
“She sees Karen and exits the nursery.”
When do we use ‘exit’?
I think when somebody disappears from a scene. Isn’t it?
The dialogue between Abigail and Karen sounds repetitive and right on the nose. The characters are speaking what they are thinking and in complete sentences. No doubt, there’s a tension between Julia and Karen, but the author needs to put the reader in a thinking spot.
Use the least number of words for dialogues and actions unless the character is a chatterbox.
For example:
“ABIGAIL
Hey there, are you about ready?”
Lets try the other way by reducing the number of words...
ABIGAIL
Hey there, you ready?
Let continue on this one...
KAREN
I’m off.
ABIGAIL
Joking -- right?
Karen’s hand prods a plant deep into the pot. No answer.
ABIGAIL
What’s wrong? Five months of planning
can’t end like this, huh?
KAREN
I just want to back out.
ABIGAIL
But...
KAREN
Julia.
Abigail’s flabbergasted. Tries to find words...
ABIGAIL
Julia? Just for her? -- C’mon, you can’t
trash our trip?
KAREN
Am I? I’m not stopping you?
ABIGAIL
It takes four to play bridge.
KAREN
I’m sorry. I, I really can’t.
Abigail’s dismayed. Contemplates something...
ABIGAIL
... You don’t have to play with
her, you know?
Karen’s hands stop, turns to Abigail with questioning eyes.
KAREN
We are team, right?
ABIGAIL
Right. But no. Look it’s like this:
You and I play at one table.
Martha and Julia at the other.
Only the scores mingle.
KAREN
Really?
Abigail seems to have won a battle.
…………………………………………………………………………
Never tell all the things at once. A single simple action would suffice to establish the relationship between persons. Go for that instead. Cinema is a visual media and be as much action oriented as you can.
See how I tried to include action in between dialogues. It gives something to watch and it translates the state of mind of the character at that particular moment. Avoid long conversations without any action.
Page 10
Karen says nothing at the end of the page and yet she’s there.
Page 15
The page starts with a formatting error. The continuation of the dialogue from one page to another can be written using ‘MORE’ and ‘CONT’D’ as per the general trend.
Page 24
Martha says nothing at the end of the page and yet she’s there.
Page 27
“They wander through the small living room to a large
kitchen.
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
It’s a mess. It’s not been cleaned up for days. Cabinet
doors have been left open and there isn’t any food left.”
I would like to point one thing here: Living rooms are generally bigger than the kitchen. If there is a point for the contradiction here, then I would like to see it as the screenplay progresses. Or else, its unnatural.
Now, before they enter the kitchen, you can’t say: “They wander through the small living room to a large
kitchen.”
Instead, a little modification would do great.
“They wander through the small living room into a...
KITCHEN
Its large and messy. Cockroaches crawl around. Unclean. Open cabinet doors and no sight of food.”
There’s no end to creativity. You can think of many other ways to give it a compelling look.
On same page:
“It’s a bedroom. It hasn’t been straightened in several
days. There are clothes on the floor and the bed isn’t
made.”
Study the lines. You can accomplish the meaning in a single line on your rewrite.
Page 28 to 29
Read the sentence. How does it sound?
“She opens the closet door and TANYA, an eight year old
Karen screams.”
Missed something?
Yeah. Now you got it.
Page 29
Karen screams.
MARTHA
Please, we won’t hurt you.
Space missing between the first action line and the character name.
One thing hammers my mind here. Its already page 29 and its not clear who the protagonist is. And, what’s her goal. Have you given something to the reader to root for so that he is compelled to read until the last page to find out what happens to the protagonist or her goal? Is it intriguing? I’m sorry. Probably not. This makes the concept weak.
Page 30
“She takes Tanya by the hand and leads her downstairs to
the kitchen.”
Same ‘kitchen’ problem.
Keep it simple and let the reader/audience predict about the next scene. Build curiosity. Don’t say ‘downstairs.’ Show the thing that guides to downstairs. For example: a descending lift, a staircase, etc.
“She tows Tanya down the staircase by hand.”
Page 31
Tanya says nothing at the end of the page and yet she’s there.
Page 36,37,38
Very long and confusing conversation. ‘Then what, then what, then...’ Grasping becomes difficult when the scene stretches so long.
Instead, go for flashbacks if it is so important. That would give something new to see instead of the old characters talking repeatedly in between them.
Page 38
Abigail says nothing at the end of the page and yet she’s there.
Page 41
Julia sit sits on the top... typo.
Page 44
Martha says nothing at the end of the page and yet she’s there.
Page 52
“A flash of light blares repeatedly from the field.”
‘Blares’ is never used for a light source. It’s always a sound source.
Page 87
Incomplete action line at the end of the page.
Reconsider writing the story structure, pace, characters, dialogues and action lines.
Keep writing
Deva
read -
A review of The Last Rose Of Winterby Deva on 01/25/2010“A divorced lady finds the meaning of love while taking a journey through a married man’s exceptional love life with her mother’s.” Did I get it right? I hope so. Courier, courier, courier – so many reviewers will write. So I leave it. I don’t know how many times the author has revised the script or how many times he has rewritten it. This script oozes the talent the writer... “A divorced lady finds the meaning of love while taking a journey through a married man’s exceptional love life with her mother’s.”
Did I get it right? I hope so.
Courier, courier, courier – so many reviewers will write. So I leave it.
I don’t know how many times the author has revised the script or how many times he has rewritten it. This script oozes the talent the writer has in him. It’s a journey of 33 years I just completed with Megan and it felt as if hours. It’s a thoroughly revised script with one or two spelling mistakes. Well I don’t mind overlooking them if the script is such a piece of art. Right from the beginning until the end, this reader didn’t get distracted. Two scenes where I got distracted are: the deathbed scenes of Geena. Here the reasoning mind of the reader interrupted thinking: If McIntyre didn’t see Geena at her deathbed, he could never see the flashbacks. These scenes might look great on screen but somebody will surely question the genuineness of them in the script. Okay if Megan sees the flashbacks then the story would have been different here.
Married McIntyre meets with married Geena and both fall in love. Just when everything was going their way and they being carried away on their love boat, McIntyre’s son witnesses the horrible – McIntyre and Geena in compromising position. This shatters Geena as her past haunts her. She has a moral flaw created in her after witnessing her husband naked with another woman in bed. So, to save their marriages, she decides to leave McIntyre and move to Australia to start a new life. However, destiny had other plans for them. McIntyre lands in Australia for a book release and meets Genna’s new husband! The love rekindles in them again until they are separated again. She never meets him again for many years. McIntyre decides to lead his life in a secluded place away from the puzzling world, in memory of his beloved. He employs a housekeeper who looks after him very well. She gets used to the place and her job so much that she keeps away all the things that comes as a security threat to her job. In this process, she keeps away Genna from meeting with McIntyre when she comes to meet with him. Genna leaves the place thinking the housekeeper as McIntyre’s new wife. This incident is exposed when Megan lands in McIntyre’s house carrying Genna’s gift for him. From here things unfold one after another where McIntyre gets to know that Megan is his daughter. So, it’s a union of father and daughter at the end. While Genna was alive, she saw the face of McIntyre in Megan’s and after her death, McIntyre sees Genna in her face.
Structurally, the script is great. However, one thing corrodes me from inside – Mrs. Neugent. Fear of losing a job can’t be a strong reason for her to keep Genna away from him. It’s a villa and there’s no reason that two old persons could have dismissed her from her duties. The drama weakens here. The conflict softens. I think, the author needs one or two characters more to keep up the conflict. On the other hand, think of a conspiracy that was designed to keep Genna away from McIntyre. Then who possibly could be the conspirator? Yes… a grown up STUART!! Mrs. Neugent was planted in the villa by Stuart to keep away Genna because he thinks that Genna was responsible for the family breakup and unhappiness. That would be another angle depicting a lot of conflict, and, everything will be seen genuinely lost for our protagonist. However, Mrs. Neugent realizes what she realized at the last and repents for her deeds. In that way McIntyre could understand Stuart’s state of mind a little more. These things are just suggestions. Let’s see how you feel about them. Stories of this kind we have witnessed in so many movies and in so many languages. What ever you have done is nice; we need a fresh angle and twists to the story so that it would look new.
The dialogues are nice and flow out naturally. I never felt them contrived.
What ever I felt I have written. If you rewrite the script, please inform me, I’d love to read it again after you are done. As such I’m including it in my collections.
Have a great day
Deva. read -
A review of Ground Work (early draft)by Deva on 12/25/2009It’s a beautifully scripted work. Great pace. The story just glides by almost without any distractions. But when we come to… Page 100 “INT. APARTMENT B6 - DAY, CONTINUOUS The Arab flips the safety off the gun and enters.” Here, the reader needs to grasp a defined space into which our protagonist is entering. The author needs to name the rooms like ‘living room’ ‘bedroom’... It’s a beautifully scripted work. Great pace. The story just glides by almost without any distractions. But when we come to…
Page 100
“INT. APARTMENT B6 - DAY, CONTINUOUS
The Arab flips the safety off the gun and enters.”
Here, the reader needs to grasp a defined space into which our protagonist is entering.
The author needs to name the rooms like ‘living room’ ‘bedroom’ etc. We can write the same as:
“The Arab flips the safety off the gun and enters the living room.”
Another action line that can be improved upon:
Someone’s running through another room.
Did the man run off the Arab’s sight? Or, did the Arab notice the man? It’s unclear. Is the partition wall made of glass or some translucent material? If not, then the Arab must have noticed the man while he scurried from one room to another. So, this reader thinks there’s something to be deciphered clearly here.
Page 102
“The Arab approaches slowly, gets into the room.
A table full of containers of household chemicals. Empty
glass bottles. Rags.”
Missed something again… The above action sequence can be written as:
“The Arab grazes slowly against the wall…
INT. APARTMENT B6 ROOM – CONTINUOUS
…Apprehensive, The Arab’s feet hesitate, then toes into the room.
A table full of household chemical containers. Strewn empty glass bottles. Rags.”
It would be great if the author gives names to the rooms. It’s because of the nice work till now that a lot of readers might glide through this without noticing. That’s the greatness of the work.
On the same page:
“PETER SULLIVAN (40s) sits, mouth gagged, tied to a table
chair with bungee cords.”
This reader thinks that Peter Sullivan must have been tied to a table or to a chair. We can simply tell that he was tied to a chair. Moreover, what’s the particularity with the ‘bungee cords’? I mean he could have been tied with anything – electric cable, CAT 5 cables, a coir rope, anything. Or, was Peter Sullivan a bungee jumper? Does it give some edge to the story? If not, we can just say:
“PETER SULLIVAN (40s) sits, terrified eyes, mouth gagged, tied to a chair.”
That’s it. Great work. No fuss. Professional. Nice structure. Highly visual. Thank God, its not another terrorist story linked to the fall of the Towers. I enjoyed the script. I would love to read again if you put any revised work. Keep writing.
Deva. read
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Submissions by Deva
No submissions (yet)
Reviews by Deva 42
-
A review of Amber Bellsby Deva on 02/09/2010A lot of work has to go into the script to make it a compelling one. I dont know how it could be made right. Towards the later pages the story picked up but its very late. I have noted and recommended some points pagewise. Although I have not gone deep into the analysis of the script, the following points can be taken as a showroom piece of what is present in the warehouse... A lot of work has to go into the script to make it a compelling one. I dont know how it could be made right. Towards the later pages the story picked up but its very late.
I have noted and recommended some points pagewise. Although I have not gone deep into the analysis of the script, the following points can be taken as a showroom piece of what is present in the warehouse.
Page 01
“EXT. LANDSCAPE NURSERY – DAY
The landscape nursery, viewed from the air, is full of
blooming flowers. There are rows and rows of plants of
every kind.
At one end of the rows stands a warehouse with an outdoor
work area beside it. Nearby is a mobile home.
KAREN, a slightly plump, middle aged woman works at a
table in a work area.
EXT. NURSERY OUTDOOR WORK AREA – DAY
Karen transplants small plants from seedling trays to
individual clay pots.”
Note: This is your first page. The surrounding you created is nice and beautiful. The problem in these two scenes is: you tend to overwrite/repeat things and there’s a perception error here. The above scenes can be written as follows. Of course, it’s not final, it’s just a try to make things simpler.
What’s a ‘Landscape Nursery’?
Lets put it simply as ‘Nursery.’
‘Viewed from the air’ is a camera direction and it’s a director’s say. So better avoid such action statements.
You can’t say ‘At one end of the rows...’ ‘One end’ is singular and ‘rows’ is plural. Needs modification.
Don’t write ‘middle aged.’ It’s kind of general. Instead, try to be specific. Another point, when you show her, just don’t show her. Give a conflict in her action or in her demeanor. Make the reader ponder ‘what she is thinking.’
The second scene’s slug line is unnecessary.
Okay lets go...
EXT. NURSERY – DAY
A sea of bloomed flowers in rows sways to the gentle breeze.
Towards the end, a warehouse dominates the area and a mobile home standing nearby. It appears to have witnessed a lot of sun and rain.
At a table, two adept hands busy transplanting seedlings in individual clay pots from trays.
The hands are of... KAREN, late 40’s, and appears as if she never gave a thought about dieting. She’s drowned in some thought.
………………………………………………………………………………………………
On same page:
“She sees Karen and exits the nursery.”
When do we use ‘exit’?
I think when somebody disappears from a scene. Isn’t it?
The dialogue between Abigail and Karen sounds repetitive and right on the nose. The characters are speaking what they are thinking and in complete sentences. No doubt, there’s a tension between Julia and Karen, but the author needs to put the reader in a thinking spot.
Use the least number of words for dialogues and actions unless the character is a chatterbox.
For example:
“ABIGAIL
Hey there, are you about ready?”
Lets try the other way by reducing the number of words...
ABIGAIL
Hey there, you ready?
Let continue on this one...
KAREN
I’m off.
ABIGAIL
Joking -- right?
Karen’s hand prods a plant deep into the pot. No answer.
ABIGAIL
What’s wrong? Five months of planning
can’t end like this, huh?
KAREN
I just want to back out.
ABIGAIL
But...
KAREN
Julia.
Abigail’s flabbergasted. Tries to find words...
ABIGAIL
Julia? Just for her? -- C’mon, you can’t
trash our trip?
KAREN
Am I? I’m not stopping you?
ABIGAIL
It takes four to play bridge.
KAREN
I’m sorry. I, I really can’t.
Abigail’s dismayed. Contemplates something...
ABIGAIL
... You don’t have to play with
her, you know?
Karen’s hands stop, turns to Abigail with questioning eyes.
KAREN
We are team, right?
ABIGAIL
Right. But no. Look it’s like this:
You and I play at one table.
Martha and Julia at the other.
Only the scores mingle.
KAREN
Really?
Abigail seems to have won a battle.
…………………………………………………………………………
Never tell all the things at once. A single simple action would suffice to establish the relationship between persons. Go for that instead. Cinema is a visual media and be as much action oriented as you can.
See how I tried to include action in between dialogues. It gives something to watch and it translates the state of mind of the character at that particular moment. Avoid long conversations without any action.
Page 10
Karen says nothing at the end of the page and yet she’s there.
Page 15
The page starts with a formatting error. The continuation of the dialogue from one page to another can be written using ‘MORE’ and ‘CONT’D’ as per the general trend.
Page 24
Martha says nothing at the end of the page and yet she’s there.
Page 27
“They wander through the small living room to a large
kitchen.
INT. KITCHEN – DAY
It’s a mess. It’s not been cleaned up for days. Cabinet
doors have been left open and there isn’t any food left.”
I would like to point one thing here: Living rooms are generally bigger than the kitchen. If there is a point for the contradiction here, then I would like to see it as the screenplay progresses. Or else, its unnatural.
Now, before they enter the kitchen, you can’t say: “They wander through the small living room to a large
kitchen.”
Instead, a little modification would do great.
“They wander through the small living room into a...
KITCHEN
Its large and messy. Cockroaches crawl around. Unclean. Open cabinet doors and no sight of food.”
There’s no end to creativity. You can think of many other ways to give it a compelling look.
On same page:
“It’s a bedroom. It hasn’t been straightened in several
days. There are clothes on the floor and the bed isn’t
made.”
Study the lines. You can accomplish the meaning in a single line on your rewrite.
Page 28 to 29
Read the sentence. How does it sound?
“She opens the closet door and TANYA, an eight year old
Karen screams.”
Missed something?
Yeah. Now you got it.
Page 29
Karen screams.
MARTHA
Please, we won’t hurt you.
Space missing between the first action line and the character name.
One thing hammers my mind here. Its already page 29 and its not clear who the protagonist is. And, what’s her goal. Have you given something to the reader to root for so that he is compelled to read until the last page to find out what happens to the protagonist or her goal? Is it intriguing? I’m sorry. Probably not. This makes the concept weak.
Page 30
“She takes Tanya by the hand and leads her downstairs to
the kitchen.”
Same ‘kitchen’ problem.
Keep it simple and let the reader/audience predict about the next scene. Build curiosity. Don’t say ‘downstairs.’ Show the thing that guides to downstairs. For example: a descending lift, a staircase, etc.
“She tows Tanya down the staircase by hand.”
Page 31
Tanya says nothing at the end of the page and yet she’s there.
Page 36,37,38
Very long and confusing conversation. ‘Then what, then what, then...’ Grasping becomes difficult when the scene stretches so long.
Instead, go for flashbacks if it is so important. That would give something new to see instead of the old characters talking repeatedly in between them.
Page 38
Abigail says nothing at the end of the page and yet she’s there.
Page 41
Julia sit sits on the top... typo.
Page 44
Martha says nothing at the end of the page and yet she’s there.
Page 52
“A flash of light blares repeatedly from the field.”
‘Blares’ is never used for a light source. It’s always a sound source.
Page 87
Incomplete action line at the end of the page.
Reconsider writing the story structure, pace, characters, dialogues and action lines.
Keep writing
Deva
read -
A review of The Last Rose Of Winterby Deva on 01/25/2010“A divorced lady finds the meaning of love while taking a journey through a married man’s exceptional love life with her mother’s.” Did I get it right? I hope so. Courier, courier, courier – so many reviewers will write. So I leave it. I don’t know how many times the author has revised the script or how many times he has rewritten it. This script oozes the talent the writer... “A divorced lady finds the meaning of love while taking a journey through a married man’s exceptional love life with her mother’s.”
Did I get it right? I hope so.
Courier, courier, courier – so many reviewers will write. So I leave it.
I don’t know how many times the author has revised the script or how many times he has rewritten it. This script oozes the talent the writer has in him. It’s a journey of 33 years I just completed with Megan and it felt as if hours. It’s a thoroughly revised script with one or two spelling mistakes. Well I don’t mind overlooking them if the script is such a piece of art. Right from the beginning until the end, this reader didn’t get distracted. Two scenes where I got distracted are: the deathbed scenes of Geena. Here the reasoning mind of the reader interrupted thinking: If McIntyre didn’t see Geena at her deathbed, he could never see the flashbacks. These scenes might look great on screen but somebody will surely question the genuineness of them in the script. Okay if Megan sees the flashbacks then the story would have been different here.
Married McIntyre meets with married Geena and both fall in love. Just when everything was going their way and they being carried away on their love boat, McIntyre’s son witnesses the horrible – McIntyre and Geena in compromising position. This shatters Geena as her past haunts her. She has a moral flaw created in her after witnessing her husband naked with another woman in bed. So, to save their marriages, she decides to leave McIntyre and move to Australia to start a new life. However, destiny had other plans for them. McIntyre lands in Australia for a book release and meets Genna’s new husband! The love rekindles in them again until they are separated again. She never meets him again for many years. McIntyre decides to lead his life in a secluded place away from the puzzling world, in memory of his beloved. He employs a housekeeper who looks after him very well. She gets used to the place and her job so much that she keeps away all the things that comes as a security threat to her job. In this process, she keeps away Genna from meeting with McIntyre when she comes to meet with him. Genna leaves the place thinking the housekeeper as McIntyre’s new wife. This incident is exposed when Megan lands in McIntyre’s house carrying Genna’s gift for him. From here things unfold one after another where McIntyre gets to know that Megan is his daughter. So, it’s a union of father and daughter at the end. While Genna was alive, she saw the face of McIntyre in Megan’s and after her death, McIntyre sees Genna in her face.
Structurally, the script is great. However, one thing corrodes me from inside – Mrs. Neugent. Fear of losing a job can’t be a strong reason for her to keep Genna away from him. It’s a villa and there’s no reason that two old persons could have dismissed her from her duties. The drama weakens here. The conflict softens. I think, the author needs one or two characters more to keep up the conflict. On the other hand, think of a conspiracy that was designed to keep Genna away from McIntyre. Then who possibly could be the conspirator? Yes… a grown up STUART!! Mrs. Neugent was planted in the villa by Stuart to keep away Genna because he thinks that Genna was responsible for the family breakup and unhappiness. That would be another angle depicting a lot of conflict, and, everything will be seen genuinely lost for our protagonist. However, Mrs. Neugent realizes what she realized at the last and repents for her deeds. In that way McIntyre could understand Stuart’s state of mind a little more. These things are just suggestions. Let’s see how you feel about them. Stories of this kind we have witnessed in so many movies and in so many languages. What ever you have done is nice; we need a fresh angle and twists to the story so that it would look new.
The dialogues are nice and flow out naturally. I never felt them contrived.
What ever I felt I have written. If you rewrite the script, please inform me, I’d love to read it again after you are done. As such I’m including it in my collections.
Have a great day
Deva. read -
A review of Ground Work (early draft)by Deva on 12/25/2009It’s a beautifully scripted work. Great pace. The story just glides by almost without any distractions. But when we come to… Page 100 “INT. APARTMENT B6 - DAY, CONTINUOUS The Arab flips the safety off the gun and enters.” Here, the reader needs to grasp a defined space into which our protagonist is entering. The author needs to name the rooms like ‘living room’ ‘bedroom’... It’s a beautifully scripted work. Great pace. The story just glides by almost without any distractions. But when we come to…
Page 100
“INT. APARTMENT B6 - DAY, CONTINUOUS
The Arab flips the safety off the gun and enters.”
Here, the reader needs to grasp a defined space into which our protagonist is entering.
The author needs to name the rooms like ‘living room’ ‘bedroom’ etc. We can write the same as:
“The Arab flips the safety off the gun and enters the living room.”
Another action line that can be improved upon:
Someone’s running through another room.
Did the man run off the Arab’s sight? Or, did the Arab notice the man? It’s unclear. Is the partition wall made of glass or some translucent material? If not, then the Arab must have noticed the man while he scurried from one room to another. So, this reader thinks there’s something to be deciphered clearly here.
Page 102
“The Arab approaches slowly, gets into the room.
A table full of containers of household chemicals. Empty
glass bottles. Rags.”
Missed something again… The above action sequence can be written as:
“The Arab grazes slowly against the wall…
INT. APARTMENT B6 ROOM – CONTINUOUS
…Apprehensive, The Arab’s feet hesitate, then toes into the room.
A table full of household chemical containers. Strewn empty glass bottles. Rags.”
It would be great if the author gives names to the rooms. It’s because of the nice work till now that a lot of readers might glide through this without noticing. That’s the greatness of the work.
On the same page:
“PETER SULLIVAN (40s) sits, mouth gagged, tied to a table
chair with bungee cords.”
This reader thinks that Peter Sullivan must have been tied to a table or to a chair. We can simply tell that he was tied to a chair. Moreover, what’s the particularity with the ‘bungee cords’? I mean he could have been tied with anything – electric cable, CAT 5 cables, a coir rope, anything. Or, was Peter Sullivan a bungee jumper? Does it give some edge to the story? If not, we can just say:
“PETER SULLIVAN (40s) sits, terrified eyes, mouth gagged, tied to a chair.”
That’s it. Great work. No fuss. Professional. Nice structure. Highly visual. Thank God, its not another terrorist story linked to the fall of the Towers. I enjoyed the script. I would love to read again if you put any revised work. Keep writing.
Deva. read -
A review of Pureby Deva on 05/03/2009I must admit that was a non-stop entertaining read. I read the Blue Cat note and I'm totally convinced with that and I loved the script with some thoughts as excpetion. I like the dialogues very much and the way you carved out the characters. They are solid. The pace of the story is great along with the emotional involvement of the characters. This script reminded... I must admit that was a non-stop entertaining read. I read the Blue Cat note and I'm totally convinced with that and I loved the script with some thoughts as excpetion.
I like the dialogues very much and the way you carved out the characters. They are solid. The pace of the story is great along with the emotional involvement of the characters. This script reminded me of 'Million Dollar Baby'. That was a sad end while here we have an optimistic end and I loved it. Everything in the story worked well but the fluency and the supreme ability of Pure from the beginning to hit the ball like a pro raised the brows. I think the conflict quitient in the case of Pure getting accepted by Johnny is not sufficient. Remember Johnny's hate for the Blacks and the prevailing norms. I would have loved to see Johnny doomed prior to the success of Pure at the Amatures.
The re-entry of Mr. Caldwell towards the end is a little bit weak point in my view. I think a phone call from Mr. Caldwell to Johnny might sound good. Actually, I didn't like the way you portrayed Pure's mother as a drug addict towards the end. I loved when she left while pregnant. I think the drama whould have unfolded more if Pure's mom got directly confronted by Kelly rather Johnny revealing everything to her. Then Kelly's death would sound more authentic. After that Johnny could have kicked Pure's mom out of the house and swore never to see her.
Jazz publishing his autobiography gives a threatening to the end of the story as Pure and Jhonny would find themselves in danger. I think the end needs to be rewritten. Rest, its exceptional talent at work...
Keep writing and thanks.
read -
A review of The Professor's Widow (Rev. f.2)by Deva on 04/30/2009I find it very tough to start saying anything after going through your work “The Professor’s Widow.” In fact, it is one hell-of-a-script. I read “Unbuggered” prior to this. I love to see how you develop a character while gliding through the script; it’s fantastic in this script. Great structure, interesting dialogues, nice portray of emotions and great pace. By the end of the... I find it very tough to start saying anything after going through your work “The Professor’s Widow.” In fact, it is one hell-of-a-script. I read “Unbuggered” prior to this. I love to see how you develop a character while gliding through the script; it’s fantastic in this script. Great structure, interesting dialogues, nice portray of emotions and great pace. By the end of the script, I craved to see some exchange of feelings between Isabel and Barry prior to the entry of Mr. Ortiz, if not expression of his love to her but the linger of love like feelings in the atmosphere. This’d have justified the return of Isabel with Barry at the end.
I have noted some insignificant points; they might pep up the script by a step.
Kindly check them.
Page 10
Isabel's smile fades as she walks the gauntlet.
‘Gauntlet’ might not be the proper word here.
Page 14
Tom sulks. Becket chuckles and turns to Victor.
Becket = Beckett.
Page 17-18
Nice conversation between Victor and Barry.
Page 35-36
Nice conversation between Victor and Kent.
Page 79
The tears give way to a tantrum.
‘Tantrum’ might not be the proper word here. ‘Paroxysm’ might fit better instead.
Page 84
A LOUDER MURMUR ripples through the ceowd.
‘Ceowd’ must be a typo for ‘crowd’.
Though I could not find words for starting to share my feelings, I gathered words those might sound perfect – “David, thanks for writing such a piece of work and giving me an opportunity to go through it.” I don’t see a reason why this script would fail to impress any production house. May be, I would rather feel disappointed if this script isn’t made into a movie.
Best of luck.
Deva. read -
A review of Double Vision (The Next Revision)by Deva on 04/18/2009The same story repeats every now and then. Since long forgotten times, we never knew how many seasons passed, but the tussle between the good and the evil stays alive. This is a well crafted and a smart piece of work. As the war between the good and the evil seems perpetual, every work has some good points and some those can be improved upon, and this work is not an exception... The same story repeats every now and then. Since long forgotten times, we never knew how many seasons passed, but the tussle between the good and the evil stays alive. This is a well crafted and a smart piece of work. As the war between the good and the evil seems perpetual, every work has some good points and some those can be improved upon, and this work is not an exception.
Two women receive opposing revelations from Virgin Mary about a person; one has been asked to kill him and the other to save him. The conflict starts upfront and it sets the ground on fire for the unavoidable scenes to be unleashed later on. A clever concept! Moreover, the execution as well! It would look great on the screen. The action and the characters almost jump out of the page and surround this reader. This script was an easy read. Now it’s taking a lot of time to write the review!
The characters of Father Tom, Lisa and Cardinal Vincenze are nicely cut in. I find it difficult to find a clear-cut protagonist in this script. In the case of Joyce it feels a bit awkward, in the sense that Virgin Mary could have easily missed an alcoholic-cum-a drug addict. Joyce being an alcoholic-cum-a drug addict strengthens the case of Cardinal Vincenze not to believe her and the heresy about Mary. However, this reader feels that we must see some reason or a religious link with God in Joyce or somebody in her family or somebody in her ancestors for which Virgin Mary should feel obligated towards Joyce to present her with the revelation. Surely, that would sound more authentic. Lisa on the other hand seems good but at the end it seemed as if she’s just a scapegoat dragged to the altar for no bad reason. All the while in the script it felt as if Lisa had an aura of sexual attractiveness. I think the author can reconsider this aspect of her to add some more meat to her character to justify her death. The case that remains unsolved until the end is that of Father Jean and who was behind his killing. The structure looks good along with the dialogues.
Please check out for the following:
Page 68 – Is this a typo … Carrerra and carrara
Page 69 - … kisses the nape of his neck. (Nape means 'back of the neck') So, 'of his neck might not be needed here.
Page 81 – typo – Lisa – Just give me what I came (her) for.
The seasons pass by so as the years and ages, the tussle between good and evil still goes on, and for another time in this script Satan stays alive along with the good for its next weak prey. I just presented my views and recommendations for the story and wish they could assist in taking the script to the next level in the next rewrite.
Thanks for giving a chance to read your work. read -
A review of The Bruise Crewby Deva on 01/27/2009That was an easy read for me. It seems this script has been rewritten for quite a number of times or else, the writer’s a well-versed one. There are almost zero distractions except for one or two. In another proofread, those things can be sorted out easily. After I went through the script, I tried to sit silent and think about the scenes. I could almost visualize everything... That was an easy read for me. It seems this script has been rewritten for quite a number of times or else, the writer’s a well-versed one. There are almost zero distractions except for one or two. In another proofread, those things can be sorted out easily. After I went through the script, I tried to sit silent and think about the scenes. I could almost visualize everything from the beginning till the end. I feel this script would do a nice time pass movie. The characters are nice and speak for themselves with distinct dialogues to go with them. The structure is good and events turn out at the appropriate times. Almost everything helps in moving the story forward.
I somehow felt the split between Tucker and Earl artificial. There needs to be a serious thing to separate them, as they are so close to each other. We need a real tussle between them for their split. After the split between the friends, I’d have loved to a scene or two in which they come face-to-face along with the emotions jetting off. Towards the end, the way in which Tucker and Earl go the chance to enter the Power Plant too seems an easy ride for the duo. We need a bit more resolved conflict to get into the edifice.
The ending was great and it serves the right purpose for the script. Over all, the script made up my evening and I enjoyed a lot.
Best of luck and keep writing. read -
A review of The Carpathianby Deva on 01/26/2009After reading this script, I found out that this might be the first draft. This script is riddled with a lot of spelling mistakes, grammatical mistakes and misplaced inappropriate words at some places. Seriously, this script begs for a proofread and a rewrite. There’s a lot of white space between lines. This script shouldn’t go over eighty pages if formatted in a proper way... After reading this script, I found out that this might be the first draft. This script is riddled with a lot of spelling mistakes, grammatical mistakes and misplaced inappropriate words at some places. Seriously, this script begs for a proofread and a rewrite. There’s a lot of white space between lines. This script shouldn’t go over eighty pages if formatted in a proper way. As a coin always has two sides, this script has some good points and some not so good points. Going into the good points, I can say that the author has a good grip on the visualization part and the dialogues sounds good at some points and erratic at some.
The points those lets the script down are as follows:
First, I would like to say that the story involved in this work is not an uncommon one. We have seen so many movies and dramas based on this concept. The gang war concept is as common as a potato or apple. I couldn’t find anything new in this script that would hold the audience on their seats for a hundred minutes of their life. So, in my view, we need to see something different even though the story is same. Seriously, this script needs a revamp from the scratch so that it would sound original and unique. Simply putting too much violence doesn’t justify.
Second, the introduction of so many characters in the first few pages confuses the reader and that’s a negative point.
Third, Dimitriov sounded good to me. And, rest I could not make myself to like them. Victor as protagonist is wasted. From the beginning to the end of the script, his behavior is the same and there is no arc for the character. Nothing changes in his course till the end. The characters are so-so and almost none leaves anything to be remembered of.
It’s just a revenge story told in a very simple way with no interesting twists and turns.
The most important part of a script happens to be the structure and there’s none in this script. The structure is very poor and confused. It might change to the better in the next rewrite.
There are a lot of typos those need correction. I could have noted all of them but it would have shown that I’m correcting an answer sheet of a school going child. Even then I noted some points those could help in the next rewrite.
Page No. 1
INT. ROOM - 46TH FLOOR – DAY ……… Hope that was NIGHT
Page No. 39
‘Snaps his neck’ can be replaced by ‘Wrings his neck.’
Page No. 64
You say, “The sedan comes ……… out of the car.”
Maintaining one word would be less distracting while reading. Keep ‘sedan’ or ‘car.’
Page No. 67
Is FRANS indicates FRANC?
Page No. 80
Sergeie walks to Victor two times in successive lines.
Page No. 93
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
He leans over the bed and looks at the girl hooked up to a breathing tube.
“He” needs to be clarified. Even though it is Victor, we need to say it in the beginning.
Page No. 95
“Victor fumbles for the light…”
May be, you meant the ‘switch.’
Over all, I could not say a lot of good things about the script, that doesn’t mean that this script is doomed. I feel a rethink will help a lot.
Best of luck and keep writing. read -
A review of The Desert and The Oceanby Deva on 01/20/2009Well, it’s for the second time I’m reviewing this work. Last time when I got this Script as assignment, I never thought that I have to review its rewrite. I’ve always felt that the rewrite part is most difficult than writing anything for the first time. I could feel the labor that has seeped into the script. Months ago, the script wasn’t ready and felt as if it’s not a story... Well, it’s for the second time I’m reviewing this work. Last time when I got this Script as assignment, I never thought that I have to review its rewrite. I’ve always felt that the rewrite part is most difficult than writing anything for the first time. I could feel the labor that has seeped into the script. Months ago, the script wasn’t ready and felt as if it’s not a story to watch out for. Now the things are totally different. I could see many things have been deleted and new things have been added. I remember Jamey’s sister has been deleted. Converting Jeremiah into an adopted child gives a new twist to the SP, maybe, that justifies his hate for Theo and vice versa.
The author is successful in putting down his imaginations on paper. The action lines are well deciphered along with some natural and fluent dialogues. Really, that was a pleasant read for me and in fact the absence of grammatical blunders made me glide through the script. In my last review, I mentioned about the absence of a strong antagonist in the script. But, now it sounds Theo and the cops are an enigmatic antagonist and hurdle to Jeremiah’s resolution. Daniel’s character was great at the beginning but slowly; it felt that he lost the battle. In my view, this may shatter the self-confidence of Jeremiah in a subconscious way. Even if the movie is made, the audience might not love Daniel towards the end. There is this feeling that he was homesick and never was a leader. At last it seems he died due to depression and loss of his earlier vigor. Rather than dying like this and writing depressing letters to Jeremiah, the audience might love to see some enthusiastic, heartfelt and inspiring letters to Jeremiah. To give an impact to Jeremiah’s ‘loser’ character, a girl friend’s scorn and hate might fit in well. They say, “There’s nothing more depressing and challenging than an opprobrious girl friend.” That will bring out the fighter character of Jeremiah to the surface and would justify his actions as per his teen age is concerned. Or we can go to replace Mickey with the girlfriend of Daniel who always sees Jeremiah as a loser and keeps him reminding about his loser’s status. It’s just a suggestion or else Mickey isn’t bad as a character. Jamey’s a nice character. Theo did well along with Ben.
The structure is nice mixed up well intertwined with good flashbacks and montages. A lot of time Jeremiah stands alone, away from his friends smoking a cigarette that makes it a little bit boring. After all, his friends are there to give him company for what he thought his deed as right, once or twice is okay and understandable. No doubt, the dialogues are good but going into the third act, they sounded monotonous and repetitive. I felt the same previously and even feel the same now, the pages can be cut down to less than 110 or 105 with another rewrite and that might not feel monotonous. None-the-less, this is a commendable rewrite. Best of luck. read -
A review of DRIVEN RAGE (2008)by Deva on 01/18/2009‘Driven Rage’ is a story of a racer who’s at the threshold of leaving racing for the sake of the family. But, situations so arose that he again went into racing and this time not on some track on Earth but on Mars. That sounds great! Isn’t it? – A race on Mars! That’s a good thought. And, the way, the SP has been written is almost a work of a professional. I did not see the... ‘Driven Rage’ is a story of a racer who’s at the threshold of leaving racing for the sake of the family. But, situations so arose that he again went into racing and this time not on some track on Earth but on Mars. That sounds great! Isn’t it? – A race on Mars! That’s a good thought. And, the way, the SP has been written is almost a work of a professional. I did not see the short bio of the author after this scrip is assigned to me. Even I haven’t seen any other submissions that the author has submitted on TS. Leaving everything aside, there’s not much I can be able to tell about the way the story takes turns. As every story has some good points and some no-so-good points, this SP too has them.
Script formatting is good and is devoid of any major blunders. One thing that may matter to many readers is the use of inappropriate words at some places that changes the meaning of the sentence and slows down the read. Some say to minimize the use of ‘adjectives’ and ‘adverbs’ in the SP… Rather than using and intensifying the actions with heavy adjectives, we have been always asked to tell a story in a very lucid way, preventing the exaggerations. I think this SP needs a proofread.
The way this SP is written sounds sometimes poetic and some times prose-type. This along with good dialogues keeps the reader hooked. I must appreciate the way in which this story starts and ends, nice work. It seems the author has studied all the good books on screenplay structure. The structure is as good as any good movie. The story turns and twists at exact places as per the textbook.
I feel justice has been done to almost all the characters and the protagonist has a clear arc.
The first act is a little bit boring and the pace seems to decrease. The real pace starts from the second act and it gets intensified towards the end of the story. The side-characters also help in moving the story ahead.
One thing we need to see more is the preparation for the launch and the training facilities. It seemed as if the conflict during the training has disappeared and they went to Mars very easily as if they went to a neighborhood theater to watch a movie. Seeing the page count, I may recommend adding two to three pages on training. And once they are on Mars, we get totally disconnected from earth. To maintain the emotional side of the movie, we may need to be in touch with the earthlings through radio or some means of contact.
One thing that amazes me about the antagonist is, “Why and how Ben got interested about the developments on Mars?” It sounds a little bit absurd that the owner of a racing team gets interested in Mars and that too since a long time.
If my memory doesn’t deceive me, parts of this SP sound very similar with some movies on Mars, may be two of three of them, I don’t remember the names of those movies exactly. Whatever, this SP is well written.
Some corrections might be needed during the next rewrite are as follows:
Page No. 01
On clearing the cloud a single landmass approaches rapidly, uncontrollably. A collision is immanent. ---------- ‘immanent’ should be replaced.
Page No. 08
DRAGON - I don't now, ask the wife. -------- ‘now’ can be replaced with ‘Know.”
Page No. 13
“A live band start their gig in the background (O.S).” -------- O.S. is not needed.
Page No. 64
Much white space is left at the bottom.
Page No. 65
Gord is forced to stop, which only fuels his anger even more. He rips his helmet form his head, spiting as he rants. --------- ‘form’ can be written as ‘from.’
Best of luck. read
Comments About Deva 62
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duncanjames on 06/05/2010
Hi Deva. Thanks, and it's great to hear from you. Hope all's well. Duncan. -
Fitzy on 05/28/2010
Hi Deva,
Many thanks for your comments on The Last Rose, which I have since revised. And thanks for your earlier review and suggestions. I did listen to your advice and in my re-write had Mrs. Nugent recruited and planted by Stuart. Great suggestion!
I also listened to Scriptshark's comments and ammended the script accordingly. I added a few characters, dropped a few characters and tightened the script and even changed the font! Have submitted the revision to a few competitions so we'll see if the advice helps. I'm still unsure about re-submitting it to triggerstreet as it may not get further reviews having made SOM nominee? I need to find out about this.
Anyway, thanks again for your earlier advice. If you want to read the revision I'll happily send you it. Perhaps you can improve it further!!!
Cheers
Fitzy.
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Fitzy on 01/26/2010
Hi Deva,
Many thanks for your review of The Last Rose of Winter. I'm delighted you enjoyed it and I appreciate your comments and suggestions. I certainly like the Stuart twist you suggested as I do feel a little more drama is needed in the latter parts of it. I'll give it some thought!
Any way, thanks again for taking the time to review it and best of luck in the future.
Fitzy. -
padnar on 12/21/2009
Hi Deva,
Thanks very much I appreciate it . I hope that you like it. Waiting for yur review.
padma -
redofme on 12/08/2009
Hi Deva.
Thank you very much for the in depth and useful review of AOD. I particularly appreciate your suggestions for how to clarify it. You did a sterling job there.
Yours,
R. -
duncanjames on 07/26/2009
Hi Deva. I'm doing freewill reviews again and would like to place you first as I was unable to read yours last time. Email me if you'd like me to read it. Duncan. -
jayb on 05/19/2009
Thanks for the in-depth review of my screenplay IN THE PROMISED LAND. Your comments and notes are very helpful and much appreciated. Thanks! -
jackcasey on 04/24/2009
Deva
Thanks for your review. We appreciate your thoughts.
Bob & Michele -
theMARK on 01/19/2009
Hi Deva
RE: Review of "Driven Rage"
Thanks for the heart lifting review. It's really good to hear from someone who has spotted the positive elements of the work. However I do appreciate some adjustments need to be made to make it a great SP.
Thanks again
Mark -
AlexThompson on 01/19/2009
Hey Deva! Thank you for your in-depth comments on Flesh for the Unborn! Good points on some of the extra explanations... I plan to hunt, rearrange, and cut out some of that. Also major plans on spacing out the introductions of new characters. So much great food for thought. Thanks again!
- BAT
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Comments About Deva 62
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Hi Deva. Thanks, and it's great to hear from you. Hope all's well. Duncan.
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Hi Deva,
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Hi Deva,
+ more commentsduncanjames on 06/05/2010
Fitzy on 05/28/2010
Many thanks for your comments on The Last Rose, which I have since revised. And thanks for your earlier review and suggestions. I did listen to your advice and in my re-write had Mrs. Nugent recruited and planted by Stuart. Great suggestion!
I also listened to Scriptshark's comments and ammended the script accordingly. I added a few characters, dropped a few characters and tightened the script and even changed the font! Have submitted the revision to a few competitions so we'll see if the advice helps. I'm still unsure about re-submitting it to triggerstreet as it may not get further reviews having made SOM nominee? I need to find out about this.
Anyway, thanks again for your earlier advice. If you want to read the revision I'll happily send you it. Perhaps you can improve it further!!!
Cheers
Fitzy.
Fitzy on 01/26/2010
Many thanks for your review of The Last Rose of Winter. I'm delighted you enjoyed it and I appreciate your comments and suggestions. I certainly like the Stuart twist you suggested as I do feel a little more drama is needed in the latter parts of it. I'll give it some thought!
Any way, thanks again for taking the time to review it and best of luck in the future.
Fitzy.