djslik
member since 08/04/2010 |
last login 04/02/2013
Have an appetite to learn and hoping TS will help....
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Have an appetite to learn and hoping TS will help.
Submissions by djslik
No submissions (yet)
Reviews by djslik 49
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A review of First Do No Harmby djslik on 05/16/2011This certainly is a good thriller that examines the innocence of a man whose impeccable past cannot stand up to the accusations of bearing child pornography photos. His family, friends and job are lost in the process. I couldn’t help but draw comparisons to The Fugitive here and there. People have been knocking me over the head regarding action descriptions and character... This certainly is a good thriller that examines the innocence of a man whose impeccable past cannot stand up to the accusations of bearing child pornography photos. His family, friends and job are lost in the process. I couldn’t help but draw comparisons to The Fugitive here and there.
People have been knocking me over the head regarding action descriptions and character descriptions. While I don’t mind a little superfluous bit of into about a character. You have them even for characters that don’t feature and I wondered what’s the point, no one is going to care that Briggs couldn’t resist to go on a vacation. I’ve been told that characters descriptions should be limited to build and features and the rest should be left to readers and actors to discover. There are a few cluttered paragraphs here and there with far too much description. They had tike 6 to seven line worth of information. While you do a good job of writing them and describing the scene they could do with some reduction.
Many characters in the screenplay, the main characters were pretty well fleshed out. Very distinct in voice and goals. I thought it was strange that Jack didn’t try and disguise himself or anything. His on every news channel. He’s trying to clear his name and avoid detection, that’s the first thing most people would do. When I saw Nagpoli, I just thought here’s someone who’s just waiting to be showed up by Jack, it’s very obvious. It would have been better not to see him so careless but just someone who’s trying but failing only by the magnitude of the task rather than deliberate. It took him a while to recognize Jack, it seemed strange that he only managed that when he confronted. His should have at least been suspicious of Jack prior and it seemed so sudden. The other characters were well done.
It’s a great setup, you paint the Jack’s life really well. The first 30 pages I was rapt and really into but for some reason the second act just didn’t do it for me. It just seemed like it wasn’t going anywhere. We learn very little about the case himself and we’re still seeing what a sterling man Jack is which is not a bad thing because we feel for him and I felt for him by the time he was picked up because it’s obvious his innocent. There’s a scene where he continues the computer hacker and that comes to nothing. I realize that you want to show us that his trying but things like this need to come to something otherwise why have it. He mentions to stark later that he’s tried everything but bears no fruit. It was a good ploy to team Stark and Jack together. The last act was drawn out. I suppose you wanted to end it where it began but it would have been better to see it end at Jack’s home. When they find out Nora is the perpetrator, they race to save his family. You can build up the tension at home then. The kids are playing, Nora nd Maggie are having coffee, getting along. Maggie’s phone rings but she doesn’t hear it. Everything can proceed as is. She stalks the family in their home. We fear for all three of them instead of just the kids. We know the kids are not going to die at the cabin anyway and Maggie’s in hospital, so she’s safe. We’re just waiting for Nora to get what’s coming to her.
In my opinion Nora’s motivation for framing Jack didn’t justify her actions. This didn’t make Jack special at all. It just made him a statistic, one of many others. I was expecting something clandestine at work. I figured it was Nora when they were at the park. I thought she’s just way to helpful. In my opinion it needed to be more sinister.
Your structure is on the dot. Things happen when they should but the events didn’t grab but that is my own fault because I was expecting quite a bit considering the setup, by pg 30 Jack was in the mire, I wanted to jump in your SP and help the poor guy.
You drew attention to how the press scandalize and sensationalize everything but I found the use of Maggie in her scanty robe over the top. This case involves pedophilia and Maggie would be considered a victim. Jack should be the focus, he’s picture doesn’t appear in the first few broadcasts.
Please don’t get me wrong, I really did enjoy reading this, what I have up here are only my observation and thoughts, nothing more. Your writing is top notch. I hope you find this review helpful. Thanks for the read. Best of luck
Some typo’s
Pg 3 Pediatics - pediatrics
Pg 55. You don’t care about to your patients. Remove the “to”
Pg 79. going to on a fun - going to “go” on a fun trip. read -
A review of Brothers of Stoneby djslik on 05/15/2011Packed with both action and conflict, this offers revenge, survival and love all on the same plate. I think you have lots of interesting material here but the dialogue is way off for the period. I have some notes. Pg 1 While you have good descriptions for your characters, they are too descriptive. Best to depict your characters demeanor through his actions and his dialogue... Packed with both action and conflict, this offers revenge, survival and love all on the same plate. I think you have lots of interesting material here but the dialogue is way off for the period. I have some notes.
Pg 1 While you have good descriptions for your characters, they are too descriptive. Best to depict your characters demeanor through his actions and his dialogue and limit character descriptions to features and build. Certain things don’t belong in you descriptions as we will not be able to see this on screen like telling us Garth is the last of his tribe, best to tell us in dialogue.
Pg 2 These are cave dwellers. I don’t think the word Bastard would have been used in that era.
Pg 3. You introduce Rock and being mild mannered which is a person who is easy-going, this behavior is contrary to his description. In my opinion it seems contradictory to have someone as mild-mannered and authoritative.
I don’t follow here, why is Rock being so demanding, they’ve captured two mastodons and he wants them to go on another hunt. These things weigh in the region of 8 tons.
Pg 6 & 11 Just a observation Garth mentions Enchandra is good with a bow and she does not use it when they hunt the mastodons and the caribou and this is the reason why they keep her in the hunting pack, she should show her prowess with the bow, prove to all them she is worthy. When Whartok is ridden away by the caribou she should use her bow to stop the animal.
Pg 12 Dialogue between Rock and Whartok not relevant to the time, callous would not have been used it that time.
Pg 24 Why did the bear urinate in her face? Do they mark territory like that? Why did the bears not attack her?
Haygorth is dead. He was able to escape from the cave and ran past Peelar. Where did he run too.? I think you need to show the bears killing Haygorth as this scene is not clear because as it is written now it seems he managed to escape.
Pg 86. When did Rock pull out the knife? Thernar mentions he has the knife in his hands. There is no mention of Rock picking the knife up.
Pg 90. Kearra: See there, Rock! I told you it would work! This seems an inappropriate time to show someone your boomerang works. Rock is fleeing for his life, I doubt he has time to notice or look back.
Onto characters, Rock as I have mentioned before for the first part came across as contrary to your descriptions. You did not come across as mild mannered at all but authoritative as you mentioned and sensible considering how he considered Peelar and the cave dwellers. Refrain from using these descriptions for your characters and stick to just build and maybe other features. Let us discover the characters for ourselves. Thernar was built towards being the villain as his lust for power and disregard for the people festered. Enchandra the jilted lover, who’s love for Rock is unreciprocated grows bitter as a result. I would have liked to see this triangle reveal earlier as it’s only made clear later that Enchandra was in love with him. All your characters have a distinct voice and stand clear as to who they are but for most part there seems to be so many characters and at times can be hard to follow as to what is happening to who. You lay emphasis on characters who do not play big roles which is not exactly bad but should be avoided so al to let the leads stand out more.
Formatting needs some work. You have quite a few line of action that will not translate to action. This rule everyone is going to mention to you. Only what is pertinent to your story should be placed in your screenplay. Like when the cave dwellers are called to the alcove, you mention it in the action line and dialogue. If there is something that you cannot display in action than do it in dialogue as you have done that so need for redundant descriptions. You have many of these lines best to avoid them.
Dialogue is the biggest issue here. The characters are very articulate for their time but that is a credit to you but it does not lend authenticity to your screenplay. For lack of a batter word it needs to be simplified for the period. Most of it will need to be re-written.
The plot regarding Thernar framing Rock for Helios’ murder had been done too many times before. I would rather try and avoid that, have Helios die of natural causes and have the two brother fight for power and control over the people. You can have the tribunal in another form.
You synopsis gives the whole story away. Cut it down. We only need to read that and not your screenplay to find out what happens. Nothing is left for surprise of to the imagination. Just right the crux of your story not everything. It spoils everything for us.
The groundwork has been laid and this and cleaning out the clever dialogue and certain modern explanations used will help you. Avoid any profanity. You have many aspects that keep you interested and reading along. You’ll need to do some research on the time and find out what is appropriate for things in that time. Thanks for the read. Best of luck.
read -
A review of Mr Hamilton's Bookshopby djslik on 05/11/2011A captivating SP that leads you on a journey through an imaginative world where literary works hold the true lives of their former readers. This is an original and piece of work with an engaging premise that reels you in. Well done as all the aspects. I do however have some notes and suggestions. Personally I don’t think the Narration is wise choice in the beginning. Basically... A captivating SP that leads you on a journey through an imaginative world where literary works hold the true lives of their former readers. This is an original and piece of work with an engaging premise that reels you in. Well done as all the aspects. I do however have some notes and suggestions.
Personally I don’t think the Narration is wise choice in the beginning. Basically we know the bookshop has a dark secret and the ending starts with a new beginning. These things are best left for self discovery. We already know what to expect and there is no surprise. Let us discover the secret and the ending without any hints and it will have a bigger impact. AS it stand I was already expecting a twist and it ruins the wonder.
Since the focal point of your story is based on books and the act of reading, this is an extremely inert action. To watch someone reading is well not going to sustain a viewer’s interest for too long. Please don’t get me wrong this is a great story and you build the mystery well in the beginning considering Alfie’s destiny and his unveiled talent. The books need to come alive somehow. When you mention the words begin to swirl, this really engrossed me, I thought here we go but that was it. The lives that he reads about, they need to be somehow shown to us, instead of read to us, they must come alive. Thrust us into the book through Alfie. The thing is when we read a SP, it’s totally different when it is actualized on screen. When you read, it’s an interpretive medium which is limited to the reader’s imagination and then turns to a visual medium on film. Having said that, the script is very dialogue heavy and shows very little action. This is considered to be expository and filmmakers want more action and just enough dialogue, no cliché rings more true than action speaks louder than words.
There are a few paragraphs which are exceedingly descriptive and make for dense reading. You have a remarkable talent to draw a reader in but some paragraphs need to be less descriptive as long paragraphs and descriptions take you out of the story and slow down the pace. Also you have these subtle descriptions which will not translate to screen, as in thoughts and certain cues which only make for excess reading. It will need to be trimmed away.
Good cast of characters here. Johnny seemed unnecessary to be honest for someone that melded into the background and we don’t see him at all besides the recollections. I think you should have a look at the accident and depict it in a different way. I liked Alfie, but he needs to be more pronounced and be more self believing, I like the fact that he takes charge but when he needs to save himself he’s lost total belief. He should believe in himself, start reading, want to free himself from the spell and midway feel hopeless and then have Sophie drag him out. Sophie is a fantastic character, really liked her.
A few scenes are repetitive especially the scenes of the monk. The way you do the first recollection is good but golden rule is not to repeat something that you have already established, it will serve you better to establish something new or drive the plot forward faster. There are too many stories required to explain the crux of the story, you have Daphne’s and the book on the monk. You don’t want viewers to get bogged down with lengthy explanations on how things work and have two stories explain one thing and it can come across as complex for some. The thing is we can go back and read whereas the movie you only get one chance and if a viewer missed it, then they’re lost. It needs to be simplified.
I noticed in your genre you have family down. I couldn’t help but notice certain action may cause a stir amongst parents and children. Firstly Brendan, suicide attempt as he plunges into the abyss of the library. At first I wasn’t sure, I had to read it again. This might scare some. Then Hamilton’s attempt to cover drive Alfie’s head off. Rather have him push him out of the way or something. A cricket bat seemed drastic.
Pg 41. ALFIE I just did tell you shouldn’t it be I just told you.
About the accident. I’m confused a bit, Johnny was driving, he notices Frank and Tom through the broken windows from across the street. You mention that Frank was in the passenger seat than how did he think that the accident was his fault? Did Johnny put him in the driver’s seat? Did Frank fly out of the car? As it is, can’t see how Johnny blamed Frank. What becomes of Sophie, there was no conclusion on her.
Overall, you’ve done a great job. With some polishing this can be a great script that would be hard to turn away. You’re definitely onto something here. You have talent no doubt. I look forward to hearing more from this SP. Hope you find this review constructive. Thanks for the read. Best of luck. read
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Submissions by djslik
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Reviews by djslik 49
-
A review of First Do No Harmby djslik on 05/16/2011This certainly is a good thriller that examines the innocence of a man whose impeccable past cannot stand up to the accusations of bearing child pornography photos. His family, friends and job are lost in the process. I couldn’t help but draw comparisons to The Fugitive here and there. People have been knocking me over the head regarding action descriptions and character... This certainly is a good thriller that examines the innocence of a man whose impeccable past cannot stand up to the accusations of bearing child pornography photos. His family, friends and job are lost in the process. I couldn’t help but draw comparisons to The Fugitive here and there.
People have been knocking me over the head regarding action descriptions and character descriptions. While I don’t mind a little superfluous bit of into about a character. You have them even for characters that don’t feature and I wondered what’s the point, no one is going to care that Briggs couldn’t resist to go on a vacation. I’ve been told that characters descriptions should be limited to build and features and the rest should be left to readers and actors to discover. There are a few cluttered paragraphs here and there with far too much description. They had tike 6 to seven line worth of information. While you do a good job of writing them and describing the scene they could do with some reduction.
Many characters in the screenplay, the main characters were pretty well fleshed out. Very distinct in voice and goals. I thought it was strange that Jack didn’t try and disguise himself or anything. His on every news channel. He’s trying to clear his name and avoid detection, that’s the first thing most people would do. When I saw Nagpoli, I just thought here’s someone who’s just waiting to be showed up by Jack, it’s very obvious. It would have been better not to see him so careless but just someone who’s trying but failing only by the magnitude of the task rather than deliberate. It took him a while to recognize Jack, it seemed strange that he only managed that when he confronted. His should have at least been suspicious of Jack prior and it seemed so sudden. The other characters were well done.
It’s a great setup, you paint the Jack’s life really well. The first 30 pages I was rapt and really into but for some reason the second act just didn’t do it for me. It just seemed like it wasn’t going anywhere. We learn very little about the case himself and we’re still seeing what a sterling man Jack is which is not a bad thing because we feel for him and I felt for him by the time he was picked up because it’s obvious his innocent. There’s a scene where he continues the computer hacker and that comes to nothing. I realize that you want to show us that his trying but things like this need to come to something otherwise why have it. He mentions to stark later that he’s tried everything but bears no fruit. It was a good ploy to team Stark and Jack together. The last act was drawn out. I suppose you wanted to end it where it began but it would have been better to see it end at Jack’s home. When they find out Nora is the perpetrator, they race to save his family. You can build up the tension at home then. The kids are playing, Nora nd Maggie are having coffee, getting along. Maggie’s phone rings but she doesn’t hear it. Everything can proceed as is. She stalks the family in their home. We fear for all three of them instead of just the kids. We know the kids are not going to die at the cabin anyway and Maggie’s in hospital, so she’s safe. We’re just waiting for Nora to get what’s coming to her.
In my opinion Nora’s motivation for framing Jack didn’t justify her actions. This didn’t make Jack special at all. It just made him a statistic, one of many others. I was expecting something clandestine at work. I figured it was Nora when they were at the park. I thought she’s just way to helpful. In my opinion it needed to be more sinister.
Your structure is on the dot. Things happen when they should but the events didn’t grab but that is my own fault because I was expecting quite a bit considering the setup, by pg 30 Jack was in the mire, I wanted to jump in your SP and help the poor guy.
You drew attention to how the press scandalize and sensationalize everything but I found the use of Maggie in her scanty robe over the top. This case involves pedophilia and Maggie would be considered a victim. Jack should be the focus, he’s picture doesn’t appear in the first few broadcasts.
Please don’t get me wrong, I really did enjoy reading this, what I have up here are only my observation and thoughts, nothing more. Your writing is top notch. I hope you find this review helpful. Thanks for the read. Best of luck
Some typo’s
Pg 3 Pediatics - pediatrics
Pg 55. You don’t care about to your patients. Remove the “to”
Pg 79. going to on a fun - going to “go” on a fun trip. read -
A review of Brothers of Stoneby djslik on 05/15/2011Packed with both action and conflict, this offers revenge, survival and love all on the same plate. I think you have lots of interesting material here but the dialogue is way off for the period. I have some notes. Pg 1 While you have good descriptions for your characters, they are too descriptive. Best to depict your characters demeanor through his actions and his dialogue... Packed with both action and conflict, this offers revenge, survival and love all on the same plate. I think you have lots of interesting material here but the dialogue is way off for the period. I have some notes.
Pg 1 While you have good descriptions for your characters, they are too descriptive. Best to depict your characters demeanor through his actions and his dialogue and limit character descriptions to features and build. Certain things don’t belong in you descriptions as we will not be able to see this on screen like telling us Garth is the last of his tribe, best to tell us in dialogue.
Pg 2 These are cave dwellers. I don’t think the word Bastard would have been used in that era.
Pg 3. You introduce Rock and being mild mannered which is a person who is easy-going, this behavior is contrary to his description. In my opinion it seems contradictory to have someone as mild-mannered and authoritative.
I don’t follow here, why is Rock being so demanding, they’ve captured two mastodons and he wants them to go on another hunt. These things weigh in the region of 8 tons.
Pg 6 & 11 Just a observation Garth mentions Enchandra is good with a bow and she does not use it when they hunt the mastodons and the caribou and this is the reason why they keep her in the hunting pack, she should show her prowess with the bow, prove to all them she is worthy. When Whartok is ridden away by the caribou she should use her bow to stop the animal.
Pg 12 Dialogue between Rock and Whartok not relevant to the time, callous would not have been used it that time.
Pg 24 Why did the bear urinate in her face? Do they mark territory like that? Why did the bears not attack her?
Haygorth is dead. He was able to escape from the cave and ran past Peelar. Where did he run too.? I think you need to show the bears killing Haygorth as this scene is not clear because as it is written now it seems he managed to escape.
Pg 86. When did Rock pull out the knife? Thernar mentions he has the knife in his hands. There is no mention of Rock picking the knife up.
Pg 90. Kearra: See there, Rock! I told you it would work! This seems an inappropriate time to show someone your boomerang works. Rock is fleeing for his life, I doubt he has time to notice or look back.
Onto characters, Rock as I have mentioned before for the first part came across as contrary to your descriptions. You did not come across as mild mannered at all but authoritative as you mentioned and sensible considering how he considered Peelar and the cave dwellers. Refrain from using these descriptions for your characters and stick to just build and maybe other features. Let us discover the characters for ourselves. Thernar was built towards being the villain as his lust for power and disregard for the people festered. Enchandra the jilted lover, who’s love for Rock is unreciprocated grows bitter as a result. I would have liked to see this triangle reveal earlier as it’s only made clear later that Enchandra was in love with him. All your characters have a distinct voice and stand clear as to who they are but for most part there seems to be so many characters and at times can be hard to follow as to what is happening to who. You lay emphasis on characters who do not play big roles which is not exactly bad but should be avoided so al to let the leads stand out more.
Formatting needs some work. You have quite a few line of action that will not translate to action. This rule everyone is going to mention to you. Only what is pertinent to your story should be placed in your screenplay. Like when the cave dwellers are called to the alcove, you mention it in the action line and dialogue. If there is something that you cannot display in action than do it in dialogue as you have done that so need for redundant descriptions. You have many of these lines best to avoid them.
Dialogue is the biggest issue here. The characters are very articulate for their time but that is a credit to you but it does not lend authenticity to your screenplay. For lack of a batter word it needs to be simplified for the period. Most of it will need to be re-written.
The plot regarding Thernar framing Rock for Helios’ murder had been done too many times before. I would rather try and avoid that, have Helios die of natural causes and have the two brother fight for power and control over the people. You can have the tribunal in another form.
You synopsis gives the whole story away. Cut it down. We only need to read that and not your screenplay to find out what happens. Nothing is left for surprise of to the imagination. Just right the crux of your story not everything. It spoils everything for us.
The groundwork has been laid and this and cleaning out the clever dialogue and certain modern explanations used will help you. Avoid any profanity. You have many aspects that keep you interested and reading along. You’ll need to do some research on the time and find out what is appropriate for things in that time. Thanks for the read. Best of luck.
read -
A review of Mr Hamilton's Bookshopby djslik on 05/11/2011A captivating SP that leads you on a journey through an imaginative world where literary works hold the true lives of their former readers. This is an original and piece of work with an engaging premise that reels you in. Well done as all the aspects. I do however have some notes and suggestions. Personally I don’t think the Narration is wise choice in the beginning. Basically... A captivating SP that leads you on a journey through an imaginative world where literary works hold the true lives of their former readers. This is an original and piece of work with an engaging premise that reels you in. Well done as all the aspects. I do however have some notes and suggestions.
Personally I don’t think the Narration is wise choice in the beginning. Basically we know the bookshop has a dark secret and the ending starts with a new beginning. These things are best left for self discovery. We already know what to expect and there is no surprise. Let us discover the secret and the ending without any hints and it will have a bigger impact. AS it stand I was already expecting a twist and it ruins the wonder.
Since the focal point of your story is based on books and the act of reading, this is an extremely inert action. To watch someone reading is well not going to sustain a viewer’s interest for too long. Please don’t get me wrong this is a great story and you build the mystery well in the beginning considering Alfie’s destiny and his unveiled talent. The books need to come alive somehow. When you mention the words begin to swirl, this really engrossed me, I thought here we go but that was it. The lives that he reads about, they need to be somehow shown to us, instead of read to us, they must come alive. Thrust us into the book through Alfie. The thing is when we read a SP, it’s totally different when it is actualized on screen. When you read, it’s an interpretive medium which is limited to the reader’s imagination and then turns to a visual medium on film. Having said that, the script is very dialogue heavy and shows very little action. This is considered to be expository and filmmakers want more action and just enough dialogue, no cliché rings more true than action speaks louder than words.
There are a few paragraphs which are exceedingly descriptive and make for dense reading. You have a remarkable talent to draw a reader in but some paragraphs need to be less descriptive as long paragraphs and descriptions take you out of the story and slow down the pace. Also you have these subtle descriptions which will not translate to screen, as in thoughts and certain cues which only make for excess reading. It will need to be trimmed away.
Good cast of characters here. Johnny seemed unnecessary to be honest for someone that melded into the background and we don’t see him at all besides the recollections. I think you should have a look at the accident and depict it in a different way. I liked Alfie, but he needs to be more pronounced and be more self believing, I like the fact that he takes charge but when he needs to save himself he’s lost total belief. He should believe in himself, start reading, want to free himself from the spell and midway feel hopeless and then have Sophie drag him out. Sophie is a fantastic character, really liked her.
A few scenes are repetitive especially the scenes of the monk. The way you do the first recollection is good but golden rule is not to repeat something that you have already established, it will serve you better to establish something new or drive the plot forward faster. There are too many stories required to explain the crux of the story, you have Daphne’s and the book on the monk. You don’t want viewers to get bogged down with lengthy explanations on how things work and have two stories explain one thing and it can come across as complex for some. The thing is we can go back and read whereas the movie you only get one chance and if a viewer missed it, then they’re lost. It needs to be simplified.
I noticed in your genre you have family down. I couldn’t help but notice certain action may cause a stir amongst parents and children. Firstly Brendan, suicide attempt as he plunges into the abyss of the library. At first I wasn’t sure, I had to read it again. This might scare some. Then Hamilton’s attempt to cover drive Alfie’s head off. Rather have him push him out of the way or something. A cricket bat seemed drastic.
Pg 41. ALFIE I just did tell you shouldn’t it be I just told you.
About the accident. I’m confused a bit, Johnny was driving, he notices Frank and Tom through the broken windows from across the street. You mention that Frank was in the passenger seat than how did he think that the accident was his fault? Did Johnny put him in the driver’s seat? Did Frank fly out of the car? As it is, can’t see how Johnny blamed Frank. What becomes of Sophie, there was no conclusion on her.
Overall, you’ve done a great job. With some polishing this can be a great script that would be hard to turn away. You’re definitely onto something here. You have talent no doubt. I look forward to hearing more from this SP. Hope you find this review constructive. Thanks for the read. Best of luck. read -
A review of Ashlandby djslik on 05/10/2011An interesting story indeed about a confrontational young city boy trying to gain a foothold and perspective in life, in a small country town . It was a breeze to read and rife with conflict and tension. There’s a lot of fires in this town, no wonder they call it Ashland. Your descriptions and action are well written. I found you have little quips throughout your script...
An interesting story indeed about a confrontational young city boy trying to gain a foothold and perspective in life, in a small country town . It was a breeze to read and rife with conflict and tension. There’s a lot of fires in this town, no wonder they call it Ashland.
Your descriptions and action are well written. I found you have little quips throughout your script. This is information that you can do without. It’s been drummed into my head to write only what is pertinent to your story and only what can be filmed and anything else is superfluous things like (Now he doesn’t mind boasting a little. having survived a harrowing experience, Keith makes the automatic promise. And here’s the face-off -- too tired to be a smart-ass.). You have some of them before dialogue and some after describing the action and for both dialogue and action the quips are either redundant or not filmable. While I really don’t mind them as I myself have done this but I’ve been told Hollywood Execs do not like to read more than they have too, so be careful.
Flashbacks are tricky. Use them only when you want to establish something we do not know. In your case you have ones that establish things we already now. When Maddie cuts herself and she goes to Keith for the bandaging, it’s a scene laced with sexual tension and romance and then a flashback takes is to a gruesome accident. We’ve been taken out of a romantic event and forced to focus on something that would cause a grimace rather a warm smile and then we’re thrust back but we’re out of the moment as we still have the accident etched in our minds. Leave it out, when she asks him can you handle this, have him answer coyly I think so, as you have it.
As I began reading this looked to me to be a movie based on a young man making his way through college and the experiences it offers and he shows great promise in his philosophy class. I thought this was going to be the focal point but then it moves on to a full on fire fighting movie. The college seems to be peripheral and his firemen career takes center stage and he’s called into serious duty around pg 50. The focus starts in one place and shift to another and in my opinion it happens to late and so does the romance with Maddie where things kick into gear on pg 93. Things happen too late. There’s too much emphasis on the fire fighting. Their relationship should blossom around midway. They’re getting hot and heavy and their more tension as a result because we wonder when is this going to boil over when is Jason and Paul find out and when they do what’s going to happen. THe focus of the story jumps around and a choice needs to be made. What would be good would be to see Keith trying to Juggle both the fire and college. There’s too little college.
When Jason huffs away after Keith i was wondering if he knew who he was after because Paul mentions “tell him about your college boy” He doesn’t mention Keith’s name. Who is Jason going to beat up, I realize it’s not important since Jason dies and problem solved which is lucky for Maddie. Keith and Jason’s path need to cross that’s why the romance needs to happen sooner and Paul knows but struggles to bite his tongue and keep it to himself.
Character wise, they are all well fleshed out especially Keith. He’s dialogue and actions tell us a lot about him but he’s history is very vague as in we don’t really know what drove him to this behavior besides the little info he gives here and there, he’s a bit of a mystery that way. You highlight his past with certain acts and by doing so you create intrigue but it comes to nothing because we don’t get answers to it. Why is he so confrontational? I peek into his prior life would help us understand him better. Maddie was good, would like to see more of her home life though and what kind of a man Jason was. Mickey was a nice touch, the welcome wagon all by himself and well looked like a very very affable guy, good job on that point but damn you for killing him, lol.
I enjoyed the dialogue especially Keith’s cocky comments and the interactions with Maddie. Well done on that point, some sharp one-liners, lots to like about that so no need to harp anymore on that point. You’re good with creating conflict through dialogue and the subtlety through which Maddie and Keith interact later as their romance built was well done. Kudos.
This script needs to be shortened and there might be just too much conflict. Toby and Keith’s altercation is left unanswered. Keith saves his life and Toby offers an indirect apology and Keith doesn’t acknowledge it and does the same when Paul offers his. I wondered throughout are they going to meet again and they don’t so you started something and left it hanging and then felt like you had to resolve it and used the hypothermia as a way but it left hanging with Keith’s non response. Your synopsis mentions Keith is put on a path to contentment and I did not see it in fact it seemed like he antagonized most of the situations. It mislead me.
Too finish, well done. You write well and your skill at writing made this very easy to read and follow. This does need some tweaking and with that can be a very interesting and appealing SP. I hope you find this review helpful. Thanks for the read. Best of luck
Pg 11 Awat should be away.
Pg 21. I don’t think the flashback is necessary. Rather have him say it, tell Jack about what he saw.
Pg 32 Then flinches when yell, you forgot “she” yells.
Pg 66 jack should be capitalized
Pg 89. Why would you wanna to stay here? Remove the “to” read -
A review of Getaway Incby djslik on 05/08/2011I found this an interesting read in portions but some it was boring and found myself wondering when is this going to get to the point. While your writing is clear and crisp and when you build tension, you do it well but this lacks intensity and gets slowed down with unnecessary scenes. I have some questions and notes I found the driving course scene and your setup to... I found this an interesting read in portions but some it was boring and found myself wondering when is this going to get to the point. While your writing is clear and crisp and when you build tension, you do it well but this lacks intensity and gets slowed down with unnecessary scenes.
I have some questions and notes
I found the driving course scene and your setup to be vague and I find myself asking too many questions. This setup is really important for obvious reasons as the story revolves around it and for me things did not correlate so this is going to be long winded so please understand that I’m merely trying to help.
He gets taken on this demanding course, and is allowed to drive as recklessly as Jason Statham in the Transporter, is all this normal in a road test? If the instructor was not in on it than why use Lazlo’s building. Do all the Northside students come to this course? From the course they head into the office and Lazlo appears out of nowhere, takes a look at Charlie’s test and offers him a job ,leads him through his whole operation and then he’s driving sports cars and is the designated getaway driver. So I assume he has a driver’s license in order to do this and where did his driver’s license come from because it doesn’t happen in the story. I’m not from the U.S. so I’m not sure how this works, so why does he need a road test? Maybe I’m reading too much into it but you setup Charlie and Lazlo through the road test. Your setup needs to be airtight and for me it’s not. The relationship between Instructor and Lazlo needs to be clarified before Charlie and Lazlo meet.
Next issue: It seems Lazlo has laid out this stratagem well before for Charlie had met him: Pg 64 Swede asks Lazlo “You sure he’s the right kid” Lazlo answers “I wouldn’t have hired him if I wasn’t sure.” This tells me that Charlie was setup from the beginning and the bank was the prize all along and Lazlo knew that Charlie was Carolyn’s son and she is an important employee of the bank and to get into the bank he needed Charlie but why does he need Charlie? He frames Charlie with the Porsche so he can keep him on the leash. Then why are all the jobs in between? Why not just use this to get an 18 year old kid and go straight to be bank robbery and be done with it. Charlie mentions this is the reason why he played along. What was the point of it all? Why go to all this trouble? Charlie is never home, Lazlo draws attention to that. They could have kidnapped his mother, rob the back and Charlie would have been none the wiser until after the fact. I think you get my point, there are just too many questions. If I missed something and didn’t get the point and you have indeed made things clear than my apologies.
I’m not sure what you’re going for here regarding the genre. You’re trying to cover too many bases. This seems like an adventure, coming of age, crime, action and comedy in my opinion and why I say comedy is it’s extremely difficult to take Charlie seriously and hence to take your SP seriosuly. His 18, juggling a criminal career, school and trying to get the cute girl and score a date to the prom. What you have at the moment is something that wants to be taking seriously and with a protag like Charlie I couldn’t take it seriously. He comes to school in a vette and dresses in a wife beater, tries different outfits, tries to be cool, tries to impress a girl that shows no interest in him at all, meanwhile he’s dashing around town as a member of an elaborate criminal outfit. I couldn’t believe that Lazlo would allow an 18 yr old into his organization. His young, inexperienced and would most certainly be a liability.
There is very little appeal between Libby and Charlie. You need some chemistry between them otherwise the two of them getting together seems more like a consolation prize rather than a triumph.
You write your action and the robberies with good effect. You build tension so well but it releases when you go back to the school and you do that often. Some of the scenes at the school play on too long and this goes back to my point on the genre. I’m doing my review based on what you state. I was expecting to read something gripping and tense, a high school senior over his head, battling the elements of a criminal organization, while trying to get a foothold into his future. Something like this needs to be unrelenting in pace.
As for the dialogue, there are nuggets of good dialogue scattered through the script. Again I go back to genre, it lacks the edge required for your stated genre and seems comedic at times. This might be good as an action comedy.
With regards to structure, I’m not going to harp on the same point as I have been but it’s tough to judge regarding the muddled plot points. I can see you have put a lot of thought into this especially into the robberies. The bank scene is fantastic. This is how the rest of the script should be, tense. Your last act is by far the best. The second act suffers for pace while your introduction Charlie in the first act is good I only had a problem with the rest of it thereafter.
I apologize if this review comes across as negative. I’m merely trying to help and hope you see it as constructive. Your formatting is spot on. There are some fantastic elements in your script but as a whole it didn’t quiet convince me. You write in an articulate style and it makes for smooth reading. I hope you will find this review useful. Thanks for the read and best of luck. read -
A review of Out of the Badlands (3rd Draft)by djslik on 05/07/2011I am a fan of the western genre. I understand why they are not made anymore as it is difficult to take an original approach to the genre and having said that, your SP lacks originality. It a shame though because your writing style and your ability to paint pictures with words is by far the strongest point in your SP. You set the scene perfectly and it is easy to see the effort... I am a fan of the western genre. I understand why they are not made anymore as it is difficult to take an original approach to the genre and having said that, your SP lacks originality. It a shame though because your writing style and your ability to paint pictures with words is by far the strongest point in your SP. You set the scene perfectly and it is easy to see the effort you have placed into writing this. Well done on that point.
I have some notes and points here.
The beginning sounds too familiar. This is the beginning of every western movie in history. Lone gunmen strolls into town, everyone clear the saloon and a gunfight ensues. I was hoping this would be a little more original.
The Marshall asked Rusk and his crony to watch Galloway and Greer and not let them out of their sight. At the Desert flower, how were they able to lose the two men when they were arguing and went out the back way into the alley? If Matthias followed them why didn’t the deputies do the same? They didn’t create a distraction or anything, they just slipped out the back. I’m probably reading too much into this but it seems unbelievable that they would be able to slip out back quietly after arguing, this would catch everyone’s attention even if done quietly. Maybe have Galloway send the two girls that were on Greer’s lap to Rusk’s table. On this note why are these wanted criminals not picked up on sight and allowed to roam free.
Pg 17. This is quite a long spiel that Tarver delivers to Silas, I’m expecting something of this length and meaning will have some significance later, if not, it needs to be shorten and why Silas, it would serve you better to have this told to someone like Matthias, maybe not by Tarver necessarily. In the scheme of things Silas is not an important character here unless he will feature later.
Pg 23. Calderon mentions that he hog-tied and knocked Matthias unconscious and left him at the depot. This is expository and now he’s magically escaped. It would serve you better to show us Matthias being hog-tied and unconscious and placed in the depot and then we let us see him escape.
Page 38. Which McGavock is Tarver talking about it? Can’t be Jackson because as Tarver mentioned earlier he’s dead. Should he just say Jefferson, because Greer says Jackson is dead. Why would he think that Tarver was talking about Jackson, and Tarver does not correct him. This is confusing.
Pg 40. This is a strange tactic from Matthias to lure Greer out, this is something that could backfire (pun intended) disastrously on him. Greer could have been burnt alive and would have defeated his purpose for trying to free Greer in the first place. Why throw dynamite at innocent lawmen. This is a dangerous distraction.
Pg 42. ...with adorned with ancient altars... Remove the first “with”
Pg 47. Nice twist here, Good job but just a little confused here. How did Tarver suddenly realize that Matthias is actually Jackson? On page 44 Tarver says “What’s to understand? I know who you are. And I know what you done.” I gathered this is the point he realizes it. Was it the fact that he broke Greer out of prison? It’s not clear. Matthias had been bringing him dead bodies for a while and he only realizes now that he is Jackson.
He mentions this is the third one this month on pg 6. Not a very astute marshal. There’s a wanted poster of Jackson on wall, how could he miss that.
The interaction between the brothers is too long on Pg 50-58. Given was has transpired so far and the fact that Matthias is hell bent on killing Jeff, why does he think that Matthias will join him in his endeavors. I think you want to expose the plan to us but maybe, instead of having Matthias captured and brought to Jeff, have him snoop around and find the plans on the table. This would create more intrigue and then you can have Jeff discover him and say “Big brother” This would have a greater impact.
Pg 70. Personally I would start the SP with this scene rather than have it as a flashback. It would add a greater emphasis to your SP rather than just a back story. This is Matthias’ motivation and the moment they are both betrayed by one another. Then continue thereafter with what you have on pg 1. This is just an idea not to say what you have is not good. It would help to setup your story a lot better and avoid the all to familiar beginning of every other western.
There’s always a horse nearby for him and all it takes is a whistle sometime and a horse is at his side. It’s too convenient.
So onto characters now. For me Jackson seems stuck between a Protag and antag. I wasn’t sure I liked him. Not sure if that was your goal though. The thing is people watch a movie and they want to like someone and root for someone. He’s just a man who’s out to kill his brother and willing to do whatever it takes. You succeed with that. You setup Jeff well as a ruthless killer when he burns the family in the cabin.
The dialogue was apt for the times and I enjoyed most parts of it but at times it seemed drawn out. Sometimes to get bogged down in a dialogue heavy scene just numbs the attention span and it’s important to avoid it and try and avoid lengthy interactions like the Matt and Jeff scene. Get to the point and get to it fast.
The ending seemed like an anti-climax. I didn’t buy Jeff shooting himself and I understand he was not afraid of death. He’s about to pull off a 3 million dollar heist and he shoots himself. He’s the last one left. All he’s got to do is kill Matthias and walk away with the cash and he’s gone. He knew that Matthias would come after him and try to kill so why go through all that trouble to pull of the heist only to kill himself. Why not do that at the temple of the dead earlier then, a more fitting setting given the location. Seemed pointless to go to all that trouble.
It was action packed and very visual. Your structure, while not bad can be better with some rearranging and deletion of scenes. Not sure about the flashbacks, these can always be tricky.
Your writing style is something to be lauded. Please don’t assume from the comments that I didn’t enjoy reading this because I did. I hope you find this review useful. You did a great job with your action lines. Thanks for the read and best of luck. read -
A review of Bramble Hillby djslik on 05/04/2011This is a very well written SP that sucks you in. The tension throughout the script is unrelenting as is expected with SP's of this genre. Having said that through since SP’s with this premise have been done to death so to speak, it’s difficult to take an original approach and avoid the clichés that are often found in these premises. For this point it lacks an original approach... This is a very well written SP that sucks you in. The tension throughout the script is unrelenting as is expected with SP's of this genre. Having said that through since SP’s with this premise have been done to death so to speak, it’s difficult to take an original approach and avoid the clichés that are often found in these premises. For this point it lacks an original approach but this is still a good piece of writing. You’ve done your research , and it shows.
The beginning is just a little vague for me. Was Darcy trying to escape or was he trying to lead Mrs. Woodhouse out of her home so Blake could kill her? If the latter was the reason, why go pounding on the other doors? The tension you create here is great but I was wondering what was Darcy’s trying to achieve.
Pg 8. Everyone is going to bring this to your attention. The lengthy action paragraphs are a definite no no. You have to lessen them and normally no more than three lines although 4 is okay but try not to make a habit of it but not the amount of lines you have and plus there are two I’ve been told by many people this is not a good idea. I assume they will feature throughout your script. Try and lessen them and this is the trick though, trying to find the balance between being descriptive and too descriptive.
The transition CUT TO is not required. It’s understood that it is the common transition between scenes. The only time you would add a transition shot if it’s not CUT TO such as DISSOLVE TO or FADE INTO etc.
Pg 9. Why don’t you rather introduce Mike as the coroner rather than have him as the coroner first.
Stay away from camera indications such as we reveal or we see. It’s best to leave those to the director just write what you want us to see and we will see it. I’ve done this and people tell don’t, I’m not sure if you can or can’t, so I stay away from it.
Page 16. Doug nosily cranes his neck over to her Ashley’s
station. Remove “her”.
Page 25. Damn that Margaret for rubbing Bridget’s belly!
PG 52. EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW. This is very descriptive action and easy to picture, well done. Too many paragraphs here make for dense reading though.
Page 67. She get a bit closer should be she gets a bit closer.
I find it strange that both Ashley and Doug have not taken a look at what they have filmed. If someone had a video of such an act taking place they would want to see it and it’s obvious they are curious as they would not have gone there in the first place and it’s hard to believe they would not have watched the video. You’ve mentioned that there is a clearly defined head, I was not sure whether it was just a head or could they actually identify who it was. There were nude people at the scene too, why didn’t they recognize anyone of them. I thought this was going to play a bigger role coz they risked their lives to get it and it amounts to nothing.
You story requires a subplot or at least a distraction of some sort due to its heavy and graphic content. I thought something would come from Doug and Ashley. At least a kiss or some other form of acknowledgement for his efforts. He risks his life to help her and it’s obvious from the few close encounters that he’s into her and she should at least show some appreciation. He’s gone above the call of duty to be by her side through what is creepy and horrific and in the end he’s hung for his efforts, poor fella. At no point did she thank him. No need to make it soppy but something that can turn our horrified stares into a brief but satisfying smile before we plunge back into darkness.
The ending left me unsatisfied to be honest. Ashley is in the fiend's layer, she gets away too easy. Blake is someone who has harnessed great and malevolent power and he succumbs too easily. Don’t get me wrong I’m not one for all happy ending and everyone lives happily ever after. You do mention that this will continue long after Ashley is gone but I also wondered what happened to Margaret. She was Blake’s wife, where was she when all this was happening. Left me wondering was she real? The last thing you want is people leaving the cinema with questions, how what and why. Everything needs to be wrapped up even if the bundle is not neat as in happy. I don’t mind an untidy bundle as in a satisfying ending, as long as I leave the cinema with one question and one question only ”Are they going to make another one?” The smirk on Darcy’s face ooooo, creepy.
Well done. Your writing style is something to be commended. Apart from the odd formatting error this is a good script. You structure is like a tense game of tennis, back and forth and we invest our total attention and the tension just makes it better. I hope you find this review helpful. Best of luck and thanks for the chilling read. read -
A review of Sweetheart of the Rodeoby djslik on 05/01/2011What’s not to like about your SP. It a lighthearted and inspirational story about overcoming life’s obstacles and our own shortcomings as a result. I was writing this review I realize that It will be irrelevant as you already have a new draft and you would have addressed some of my questions and opinions but nonetheless. In my opinion everything is wrapped up a little too... What’s not to like about your SP. It a lighthearted and inspirational story about overcoming life’s obstacles and our own shortcomings as a result. I was writing this review I realize that It will be irrelevant as you already have a new draft and you would have addressed some of my questions and opinions but nonetheless.
In my opinion everything is wrapped up a little too nicely in a little bow. I could tell from midway what was going to happen and how this was going to end including Lacey and Earl getting back together. Not to say it’s a bad thing though because that is your goal with the story and this is only my opinion.
Normally parents wrap themselves over the head when their decisions cause their children harm. Lacey allowing Brooks not wear her helmet is a direct result of her blindness coupled with Amy nudging her horse. She does at the hospital on pg 25 and then with Earl on Pg 69. She doesn’t make it a big deal and doesn’t seem guilty about it. She seems okay with at least she masks it well.
Pg 49. Brooks being the determined girl that she is, I found it hard to believe that she would just lie there in the corral. Plus Lacey mentions she’ll be home around 3 a.m. and its freezing. She could have felt her way to the fence without the use of her cane and made her way back to the home way before Lacey got home. Apologies on the nitpicking but Lacey is drunk and its freezing. She passes out in the Corral, Hypothermia is a major concern in these conditions especially for drunk people. Once again sorry for nitpicking. Also Brooks is not that upset with Lacey for coming home drunk. I would have had Lacey sick as a dog, can’t go to work, Earl finds out what happened and he’s upset tells Lacey to clean up her act for herself and for her daughter sake. She realizes the fault of her drinking from then on. I know she starts to clean up her act in a montage but it needs to be a bigger deal rather than get a little scene in a montage. She needs to tell Brooks that she’s going to start cleaning up her act and they can have their moment.
pg 103. Personally I would have preferred Early and lacey to state that they are going to start getting back together but they going to do it step by step as is a slowly. They just jump into kissing passionately, I know they are overjoyed with their daughter’s achievement but they also have to consider their own feelings. I think if you’re going to get them back together we need to know why they got divorced in the first place. Was it Lacey’s drinking? You build up to it with them spending time together as a family but they don’t really talk about themselves or even have private moments where they discuss what they are feeling and how they have hurt one another in the process.
Pg 96. It’s a little too convenient that Ascot offers Brooks a laptop if she can guess the singer of the song ... and it has voice software.
Pg. I like the introduction of the antagonist in Brooke and protagonist in Amy already.
Pg 3. Interesting description of Lacey.
Pg 16. Padwan is actually spelt padawan.
Pg 20. I - Bingo and Bingo. Should be Brooks and Bingo.
Brooks is a great character. In fact you have assembled a great cast here. Lacey the drunken mom seems to be the only one with a flaw and Earl’s the perfect fatherly figure who comes through for his family. Jojo, who wouldn’t want a friend like Jojo, I’m still looking. Amy and her mom the stereotypical hater and Mandy gets her Karma from her own daughter. Bingo, who can forget Bingo, I’ve read that horses can be very therapeutic for people especially those with disabilities.
The country dialogue is spot on, couldn’t find a single thing out of place. I wasn’t sure what precision drilling was as I am not familiar with the rodeo and looked it up on the net. I learnt something new. Brook's dialogue is charming and fitting for a teen. I like her quips.
Structure is fantastic, everything happens on beat. You got some precision drilling right there. I enjoyed your screenplay and it was fun, well paced and quick read for 109 pages. Well done. I hope there won’t be a dry eye (excuse the pun) in a theatre near you. It was refreshing to read a screenplay with good formatting as so little typos. Best of luck and thanks for the read. read -
A review of The Riddle of Rudolf Hessby djslik on 04/30/2011Pg 1. Your format for the beginning is incorrect. It’s not advised to begin a screenplay the way you have. Try and avoid using we see. It’s not black screen. You start as follows. BLACK SUPER: Alexandria - Egypt - April 26th 1894 FADE IN: EXT. SMALL HOME - DAY A MAN (early 40’s) paces outside the home. Then continue as you have . Frits is misspelled. Checking spelling... Pg 1. Your format for the beginning is incorrect. It’s not advised to begin a screenplay the way you have. Try and avoid using we see. It’s not black screen. You start as follows.
BLACK
SUPER: Alexandria - Egypt - April 26th 1894
FADE IN:
EXT. SMALL HOME - DAY
A MAN (early 40’s) paces outside the home. Then continue as you have .
Frits is misspelled. Checking spelling found 2 on pg 1.
It should be sheets are used as curtains not sheets as curtains are used.
A petite woman (early 30’s) lies in bed. She’s exhausted, prepares to give birth. Write that sentence as such
A doctor sits kneeling. You can’t sit and kneel at the same time.
It’s beet not beat.
To introduce Fritz’ wife as such is incorrect. Rather introduce her as CLARAMOND from the start.
PG2. Fritz exits the home and slams the door.
Jagermeister was only developed in 1934. However the company that makes it was found in 1878 but they only made wine-vinegar. It was not around in 1894.
Its bartender pours another drink not make another drink.
Not sure if they used the word fuck in that time.
Pg 8.
FADE TO BLACK
SUPER: 1987 Spandau prison in West Berlin.
FADE IN:
INT. SPANDAU PRISON - NUREMBURG GERMANY - DAY
Pg 12. When doing time changes. You have to indicate what year it is to say 13 years after we last say Fritz is not correct. SUPER: 1907. This will tell us it’s 13 years after 1894.
Pg 13. A very tired and worn out? Tired and word out mean the same thing.
Pg 14 All I do is work for you.
Pg 25. Still has calm as can be should be still as calm as can be.
Pg 27. Foot step should be one word.
Rudolf wipes the dust not Rudolf wipe...
It is not advised to suggest camera actions. This is for the directors to decide. If you want to emphasize on something use POV or write it under a separate slug line.
Pg 28. When drawing focus away from a scene as you have from Rudolf to the window when the police arrive do it as such,
WINDOW
A car pulls up in the drive. It looks like a Police car.
BACK TO SCENE (Then continue with your action line below.)
When doing sound effects they need to be capitalized. For e.g. A car door SLAMS!
Also you don’t need to say back to attic just say ATTIC.
Pg 34. Some king I think you meant “something”.
Pg 35. An eloquent rest room...restroom is one word not two.
Pg 39. ...giving any attention that was not on Rudolf to him. Write as “gives all her spare attention to Rudolf”.
Pg 43. Before Martin finishes “is” is should be his. Alfred is missing an ‘s in the same sentence.
Pg 44. I’m not sure Martin would use “fucking” and “cunt” in his dialogue. This seems out of place for a man of his character. I understand he is trying to instill obedience in the men but I’m not sure he would use those words.
Thus making Rudolf desperately keep clam. I think you meant to say thus making Rudolf desperately trying to keep calm... you also forgot “his” before childhood.
Pg 48. ... face of martin has be pulls... martin needs to be capitalized and has should as.
You have written amongst black screen to indicate place and time transition quite a few times throughout your screenplay, I have written an example above how best to write that.
Pg 50. HESS “I had to do crazy things today” I would rather say “I have done a terrible thing today”
Pg 51.
When introducing characters for the first time, they have to be CAPITALIZED, thereafter you can spell them normally.
Pg 53. To mark a letter from the Duke of Kent seems foolish on his part. Its 1941, the war has begun. A letter from Germany’s enemy would have been intercepted before it was delivered. Also this letter is sent 5 years after they have met. Why has the Duke of Kent waited for the war to begin to topple Hitler? He should have done this before. Another thing that I find strange is the sending of the letter in the first place. He should send someone in person so he can gauge whether Hess is interested in helping on not and to do this by letter after one meeting does not make sense and is also time consuming. I understand this is necessary plot point to move the story forward but it doesn’t fit with the seriousness of the endeavor.
Why does Alfred take the letter? This is his best friend, closer than a brother as you mention earlier. Has Alfred’s loyalty already shifted? I don’t see why it should, Hess has done nothing to raise suspicion.
Pg 55. Yes, we you not aware should be yes, were you not aware.
Also Jana asks what about the baby? Do they have another child or is this he’s son. This is five years later the baby is no longer a baby but now five years old.
Pg 58. ...takes her hand and kiss it should be kisses it.
Pg 60. Hitler and Eva were only married on 1945
Pg 70. Heating up a baby bottle? Not sure about this again. He only has one son, can’t still be a baby.
I think the carving of the swastika on Jana’s head is going to draw comparisons to Inglorious Basterds and will seem unoriginal. I’m not sure whether this was an actual practice or whether it was only done in the movie. If it was an actual practice then disregard this comment.
From Pg 84 onwards it gets a bit convoluted. I can understand why Bormann disguises himself as Hess. He was used as a decoy to deceive Hess.
How Horn arrived in England is not clear? Was he in one of the other planes? How did they manage to capture him? Horn is sent to find out what Hess was up to and yet he is captured. Surely Hitler knew Bormann would be revealed as an imposter and Horn would also suffer the same fate and he gains nothing and has lost two loyal men, Bormann is shot on sight, Horn is captured. Everyone is pretending to be Hess besides Hess of course. It doesn’t make sense for Hitler to go to all this trouble. The Duke also gave strict orders to shoot anyone that is claiming to be Hess and yet both Hess and Horn are not shot on sight. I found it strange that the Duke would not recognize Hess. It has only been 5 years since they last met, has Hess changed that much since then. The duke is placing all his faith in Hess to help him in his endeavors to bring down Hitler and yet he cannot recognize him.
I don’t see what Hess has to gain by pretending to be Horn. He is not going to be set free. It’s not going to change anything. I think you went for a twist and the big reveal but it seems pointless.
I take this is a fictional take on actual events and characters an there are some plot points that creates inaccuracy. Apart from the format, spelling and grammatical errors this has a good premise and ability to be an intriguing SP. I like Hess’s father being the asked to lead a new branch of the army only to be replaced by Hitler because of his lack of response. This ties in well with Hess’ need to bring down Hitler because of his own unpleasant relationship with his father. You have good structure, the story moves along at a good pace and your turning points are on cue and very interesting.
The dialogue in certain places seems out of date. I’m not sure people would have spoken in such a way at that time especially the profanity that was used.
Rudolf is an interesting and complex character with a noble goal. A good character to have as a man character. I think Horn’s character needs a bit more development especially in his reasoning for his mistrust in Rudolf. There needs to be a moment before the receiving of the letter for him to mistrust his friend. Other than that this will spark most people interest as it involves a most influential moment and the most notorious and hated figure in the world’s history. You need to make it more soundproof with some editing and fix the errors in the script and this creates a bad impression. I would have someone proof read this script there are many typo’s that I may have missed. I hope you find this review useful. Please don’t think it negative, I enjoyed your screenplay and I am a fan of intrigue. Thanks for the read and I wish the best of luck.
read -
A review of The Dirty Southby djslik on 04/26/2011This was a fun, easy and well paced read. It’s a good length and doesn’t waste time. You have a straightforward story with simple characters and you tell your story well with good action lines. Just a few questions: Terrance doesn’t have any dialogue until pg.14. I found that strange. He plays a bigger role later. Was it your intention to make him the quiet one. You don’t... This was a fun, easy and well paced read. It’s a good length and doesn’t waste time. You have a straightforward story with simple characters and you tell your story well with good action lines.
Just a few questions:
Terrance doesn’t have any dialogue until pg.14. I found that strange. He plays a bigger role later. Was it your intention to make him the quiet one.
You don’t go into detail regarding what the grave robbers are doing. It’s also not exactly clear that they are robbing graves. I kinda gathered that from the fact that they have a multitude of bodies piling up. THe stakes don’t seem that high to go to the lengths that they do to want to kill Brooks and the others. I understand that they don’t want to get caught and all but taking the stakes into regard it doesn’t seem high enough. Maybe have them rob the graves and using the bodies for smuggling or some other purpose that gives a proper warrant for the actions that they go to.
For prisoners of to prison these guys see very keen to do their time. I can understand Christina but the other guys should be trying to escape. This makes your screenplay more interesting, more tension and makes Brooks a more pronounced as a protagonist. They can still help in the end but should be trying to make a break for freedom. Also the amount of time they are doing is not clear. They are not hardened criminals, I assume they are doing maybe a few months or a year. In that case then it seems fair that they want to get their time over with. They all seem to get along to well as well even Christina and Dale’s jibes are harmless.
Why does Brooks let two of them out at a time? Dale goes for a smoke and Terrance goes for a crap. Brooks doesn’t keep an eye on Terrance when he goes off to do his business and allows him to go to deep in. For a former army ranger that is not smart. On this point, how did he manage to run into a barbed fence without seeing it? This is an elite, highly trained individual, I understand that it was dark but you mention that he runs across a field under the light of the moon, surely he would have seen an upright barbed fence in the moonlight.
On Christina knowing about Brooks’ past, I’m not sure about the revelation, it seems too sudden. Maybe build up to it somehow. Have her be unsure, have her look at Brooks with curious eyes. It would better serve you to have Brooks reveal it. It’s more emotional and makes us relate to him and sympathize with him. Having the little insert later on when he returns to Roxanna, doesn’t work. It seems out of place and slows down all the fantastic action you have created.
I like Roxanna. Just a note on her car, it’s not a Honda prius, it’s Toyota. This is just a suggestion. When she tells Brooks, Motherfucker, I’m still holding this frying pan. Try Motherfucker, I ain’t still holding this pan to cook you some eggs. Not to say what you have is not funny because it is.
With regards to his background, it’s been done too many times before. Not to say he’s a bad character but the whole, lost his family in tragic accident and no longer wants to be in the army seems clichéd. Brooks’ character need to be more Ranger like In the middle he seems more like it but he was not as organized as I was expecting. I understand these are some of the most highly trained and toughest individuals in the army. He needs to show some of his training and maybe improvise a bit more like he did with the tampon Molotov cocktails. That was a nice touch. Sometimes he seemed out of his depth to me.
With regards to the baddies, I think you have too many. Lessen them and it will allow you to flesh them out a bit more so we can learn more about them. They just seem like obstacles rather than adversaries. Their motives and their gains are also not clear. They are going to kill five people, we need to know why because they seem very determined to do so.
You have good humor littered throughout your script. The dialogue is good and all of them have a distinct voice. Dale and Roxanna steal the show. Brooks needs more development. I enjoyed it. You have good tension good pace throughout apart from the minor bumps. Hope you find this review helpful. Thanks for the read. Best of luck. read
Comments About djslik 37
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wanderingmbhorn on 05/12/2011
Hey Man,
I've gotten lucky, two of your reviews in two days! You're notes are again ridiculously insightful as, thanks to your notes, I'm completely re-working my ending to something I think is much more fitting.
Thanks again!
John -
gridlock on 05/12/2011
Hey, awesome suggestions, thanks! I especially like the idea of meth heads hanging around and causing trouble, because that does fit in with what happened, and not all of them would know about the bust.
I'm hoping before the weekend is over, I have a new version up with that included (among other changes as well).
I'm conflicted about the title, though, although it does have some irony.
Best,
JD -
wanderingmbhorn on 05/11/2011
Hey Man,
Thanks for an awesome review of TOBIAS, THE MOTHER-F***ER, I appreciate the thoughtful review. I had some inner fears about a lot of the issues you raised and I've got a feeling I'll be hearing a lot more about the stuff you mentioned as I gather more reviews.
Thanks again!
John -
Christopher O'Rourke on 05/11/2011
Thanks so much for your detailed and thoughtful review of "Out of the Badlands". You offered some very solid criticism and it is appreciated.
-Chris -
hughbrune on 05/11/2011
Thanks for the thoughtful review. Some great pointers in there.
cheers
Hugh -
crossroads79 on 05/10/2011
Thanks so much for the poignant review of Ashland. Your suggestions are spot-on, especially in regards to the flashback. It was something I wasn't sure about leaving in with this latest draft and your thoughts confirmed it's gotta go. Thanks again for your time and thoughts. Take care. -
gridlock on 05/10/2011
Thanks for your review of Buyer Beware! Any new title suggestions?
JD -
brrose on 05/09/2011
Thanks. Your reviews are tough but you read the material closely and bring up good points. They NOT mean spirited. It would be a shame if you changed your approach. I hope you get assigned my next SP, too.
Cheers -
brrose on 05/09/2011
"A man enters a mid life crisis, feels the strain of his job and family and begins to reminisce about his youth where all that mattered was the music and his friends. He neglects his job and family and decides music is the answer. Here’s Becky a doctor herself who has her priorities in order and is forced to shoulder the responsibility alone."
A good summation. Should have had you write my logline. I sincerely appreciate the review and constructive comments. They will be helpful for the rewrites.
I don't want to monopolize your time but I do have one question for you. You said the whole story felt very familiar, like you've seen it too many times before. I've been told that there are only 5-10 stories that can be told because there are only so many conflicts that are effective. Having said that, it's VERY important to me as a writer to have an original spin on things. What other movies remind you of OHW? I would like to check them out and avoid retreading their stories. No worries if you don't have time to respond.
AVA is one of 3 typos of which I've been made aware by the discerning eye of TS reviewers. It should be SOPHIE.
Thanks for the read.
Best
Bruce
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wopdom on 05/04/2011
Thanks for your close read and comments on BRAMBLE HILL.
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Comments About djslik 37
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Hey Man,
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Hey, awesome suggestions, thanks! I especially like the idea of meth heads hanging around and causing trouble, because that does fit in with what happened, and not all of them would know about the bust.
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Hey Man,
+ more commentswanderingmbhorn on 05/12/2011
I've gotten lucky, two of your reviews in two days! You're notes are again ridiculously insightful as, thanks to your notes, I'm completely re-working my ending to something I think is much more fitting.
Thanks again!
John
gridlock on 05/12/2011
I'm hoping before the weekend is over, I have a new version up with that included (among other changes as well).
I'm conflicted about the title, though, although it does have some irony.
Best,
JD
wanderingmbhorn on 05/11/2011
Thanks for an awesome review of TOBIAS, THE MOTHER-F***ER, I appreciate the thoughtful review. I had some inner fears about a lot of the issues you raised and I've got a feeling I'll be hearing a lot more about the stuff you mentioned as I gather more reviews.
Thanks again!
John