Genres:
drama
A cynical, past-his-best travel writer takes to the road again in an attempt to unravel the mysteries of an unusual... more
Dominic.Jenkinson
member since 11/09/2006 |
last login 04/30/2013
Englishman, 4 years on Triggerstreet have taught me most of what I know about writing. Passionate about writing, film, music, football and this site and community....
Bio
Englishman, 4 years on Triggerstreet have taught me most of what I know about writing. Passionate about writing, film, music, football and this site and community.
Submissions by Dominic.Jenkinson
Reviews by Dominic.Jenkinson 237
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A review of MIRROR, MIRRORby Dominic.Jenkinson on 09/07/2010Great title by the way. Whatever kind of movie this would make, this was certainly a fun and engaging read. Aside from the expertly formatted pages, the decriptions and dialogue were concise, characters consistent, and dialogue speech distinctive. As a native Brit, I wondered if you'd let yourself down with Emma's dialogue -- I don't think you did. Maybe a few too many 'loves'... Great title by the way. Whatever kind of movie this would make, this was certainly a fun and engaging read.
Aside from the expertly formatted pages, the decriptions and dialogue were concise, characters consistent, and dialogue speech distinctive.
As a native Brit, I wondered if you'd let yourself down with Emma's dialogue -- I don't think you did. Maybe a few too many 'loves' for me, but I suppose there are people like that, and it's good to give people quirks occasionally. If I were to be REALLY pedantic I'd question the use of Avebury as he place of birth and where she grew up. Have you been? (It's a popular tourist destination, famous for its circle of stones.) I'm not sure there's many working class people who could afford to live in its pretty cottages. As I said -- pedantic.
It's difficult to know what tone you were aiming for. I did detect a shift occasionally, I wasn't sure how intentional that was. It could be quite campy and fun at times, scary, unbelievable, and chilling. You were certainly having fun as you wrote it, it certainly paid off in the read. Good stuff.
If you were going to aim for a more consistent tone, I'm not sure I could advise which direction to go in. I thought the one mis-step may have been in the imagined visuals of Lauren's home and neighbour. My personal choice would have been something more grounded in reality, but still revealing. IE it's not really her house and she is sharing it with the dead bodies of the real owners... Just off the top of my head.
I preffered the brooding, uncomfortable feeling that I got as Lauren descended into madness. Personally I felt a tad more subtlety would be better up until page 50 where she makes her speech -- I laughed out loud on the bus at that OTT performance. Excellent.
What I'm reffering to is maybe the elevator stoppage and brakes cutting were a tad OTT. I'm not sure the tension maybe better maintained if we don't quite know how Mr. Producer died... accident or something more sinister. The scenes of the elevator and crash seemed a tad rushed, and might be reconsidered to keep us guessing on Lauren.
SPOILERS --
I'd also suggest foreshadowing Lauren and Emma's relationship. Easily done when you show us the TV piece on Emma. Try and disguise it a bit, but maybe (again off the top of my head) something like "This British orphan who shot to notoriety playing the sexy orphan in the Oscar..."
Sort of hiding the orphan bit with a something else, but still feeding the audience a clue. Imho.
I think you're just a draft or two from having a solid popcorn thriller here. Great fun.
atb,
Dom.
Notes:
"JOHN VINCENT, early forties, Impossibly handsome. Intense good looks under messy pepper
hair"
Nice intro.
"EMMA MARSHALL, early thirties,
has curves in all the right places."
Bit more detail for our protag?
Maybe remove the "Jessica" Not confusing on the screen, but maybe for the reader. No real need for a name to be used in dialogue.
Emma's British accent seems genuine.
Born and raised in Avebury,
England...
workingclass?
John holds up Spock’s Vulcan salute.
JOHN
Scout’s honor.
GEOFF
(rolls his eyes)
Jesus Fuck-me Christ.
LOL.
17 Goddammit = Fuck me!
Brits swear a lot. We rarely use damn/goddamn.
24 – wait, did lauren break a lift. This whole scene seemed a bit rushed and would work better if 1. We cared about the producer a bit more. (give him a mini 'save the cat moment?' 2. It was just the car, not the elevator. Better still, have him bludeoned to death on the staiwell? (by who...?)
29 – realistic sounding TV dialogue.
Character's speak with individual voices. Good stuff.
Lauren's descent into madness should be more brooding... slower.
41
EMMA
I’d say you look gorgeous, but I
don’t want to come off like a
bloody narcissist.
Good.
50 -speech, lol. This would be an ideal point for the game to be up and we know Lauren to be nuts. Real nuts. Show us uncomfortable looks in the audience... "Why is Emma so keen to thank a double" kinda vibe/reaction.
Lose the producer's death, subtle up the madness. Make pg 50 where she really goes loopy. Make Emma more sick... seems like she could have attended.
59 – Give Emma more of a clue to why it was Lauren who spiked the drink. Like a 'BINGO!' moment.
It takes us a moment to realize we’ve only seen the house
through Lauren’s eyes... in reality it looks like hell.
Mistep in my opinion.
Mr Stumpy... seems out of place. Some dead resients in part hats, and rotting flesh would be more believable.
As she speeds past, she glances up. A dozen tourists lean
over the side and give her the middle finger.
Unlikely that they would see 'her' twice. Maybe construction workers who were gonna be in the same place... But like:
ZOO SECURITY
Lady really wants to see some
animals.
The gags probably not needed.
Was adoption foreshadowed? I may of missed it. If not, maybe hide in:
ANNOUNCER (FROM TV) (cont’d)
Born and raised in Romford,
England, Emma Neilson conquered the
British box office by the age of
eighteen. Her break-out American
role was in “Little Lies” for which
she earned her first Oscar
nomination. More hits followed, an
eclectic mix of period pieces,
action blockbusters, and hardhitting
thrillers.
Not sure about Chloe's stunt...
Final scenes good, but maybe just need a tidyup. read -
A review of The Humane Facadeby Dominic.Jenkinson on 09/04/2010I'd noticed the logline of 'The Humane Facade' in the daily favourites, and hoped it would fall into my assignment pile. I also noticed this comment, regarding PabloSecca's review, pop up on the TS homepage: "Thanks for the 'review' of The Humane Facade. You just didn't get it - but that can happen. Thanks anyway." This added further to my interest. Having now read the piece,... I'd noticed the logline of 'The Humane Facade' in the daily favourites, and hoped it would fall into my assignment pile. I also noticed this comment, regarding PabloSecca's review, pop up on the TS homepage:
"Thanks for the 'review' of The Humane Facade. You just didn't get it - but that can happen. Thanks anyway."
This added further to my interest. Having now read the piece, and Pablo's generous review, you may want to skip reading my review, as I fear I may also be guilty of 'not getting it.' Either way, I don't intend to be unduly harsh, but occasionally you gotta tell it like you see it.
What I did like -- the premise of two worlds colliding. How will these two distant lives possibly come together? I was intrigued.
The idea of innocents abroad -- How will the Monks adapt to the City of San Francisco and the ways of the USA?
Learning something of the culture and ways of the monks. The meaning behind their lives and the details of the Mandala.
I presumed there was to be some clever, artful way in bringing these characters together -- for that is what is promised in the logline. I'm thinking something along the lines of Inarritu's 'Babel,' or 'Amorres Perros.' You took a different path and just put the monks on a plane to San Francisco. Oh. All of a sudden their meeting doesn't sound so impossible.
There was some interesting imagery -- monks running around with super soakers, and I thought that this would be an area you could of developed further. I think the problem that you encounter here is that the Monks are in turn quite well schooled in the ways of the west (internet, videocameras, driving themselves from San Francisco airport to Mildred's without a welcoming committee...) yet naive to the ways of bubble bath and marshmallows. I think you need to decide which it is (the naive option is surely the more cinematic and fun?)
There are a number of problems with the presentation and formatting, again, I know you're not happy with criticism, but it would be dishonest of me not to point out that this is the poorest formatting I've ever come across. The purchase of 'The Screenwriting Bible' should be your next step in your writing future. I've included notes below of some of the biggest errors that slow down the read and are painful on the eye.
The standard of writing fails in two areas -- Dialogue (see below) and business lines, or 'action.' The descriptions of both characters and action is unclear and muddled. It's written in the incorrect tense, is passive and regularly describes impossible actions for the screen.
There seems to be no adherance to 1 page = 1 minute, with people able to do many things in a single sentence, that on screen would be unrealistic.
Concept.
Despite finding this a struggle to comprehend, and wonder whether I'm missing some deeper truth, as you suggested, I think that this is by far the strongest aspect of your travails. You have had an idea, now it needs focusing and putting into a presentable idea. Monks from Tibet in America -- Interesting to a degree. Two people with damage in their history help each other despite not sharing a common tongue -- again, interesting to a degree. Can these two concepts be brought together to make an interesting story? Can Cicero's quote you use (which is kinda obvious) be presented in an intersting way?
Story.
Monks on a tour of the USA interact with a host family, bringing their damaged daughter back into the fold.
It just wasn't enough. There was never enough conflict or drama to keep me interested. There wasn't enough depth... Unless I'm really missing something.
Character.
Samantha is always going to be annoying. That may seem a little un-pc, but hey, it's my coins buying the cinema ticket. She's too deranged and the constant babbling of her childish, unpunctuated spiel just grates. She needs to be more interesting and consistent.
Jason and Mildred were cardboard cutouts with no distinguishing features or development arc. The Master and the monks were similar cliches. All would need building from the bottom up.
Structure.
There wasn't really a discernable 'B' story that tied in well. Nobody seemed to change or develop. Acts just rolled into one long series of episodes.
Dialogue.
Easily the poorest aspect of the script. Just unreal and on the nose. Full of mundane niceties and chit chat that revealed little and failed to move the story on. The Doctor's and Policeman's dialogue was inconsistant with their proffesions.
Overall.
Not a fan of this one at all. Despite a few redeeming features there were just too many lazy shortcuts, errors, and a lack of respect for the reader, as well as a lack of research into screenwriting mechanics. With all these problems it's no wonder readers can't get to the heart of the story. You're doing yourself a disservice with this sloppy draft.
All the best with this version and future drafts.
DJ.
Notes.
Lack of title page is unprofessional.
A loud commotion is heard as SAMANTHA SHEPHARD, early 20s, is
being held down on a gurney. She is violent; her eyes are
wild, her bottom lip is bleeding.
In all this wild thrashing, we can focus on her bottom lip bleeding? Why not just a bleeding mouth?
We don't need 'is heard' that is apparent.
MILDRED SHEPHARD, SAMANTHA’S mother, late 40’s,
Poor description. Make your intros livlier.
INT. - HOSPITAL EXAMINATION ROOM – NIGHT
That's the same scene heading -- repeated throughout the script.
Camera pans away from SAMANTHA to the window of the room.
Just describe the scene. The camera angles just destract from your story.
MILDRED leans her head against the window and closes her
eyes.
even your short action lines could be more brief to remove the extra word taking us to a new line...
Officer and Mildred's dialogue. Doesn't seem real.
3 – death by exhaust fumes is usually a smoke free death?
The window shatters; SHEN’s arm is bleeding badly as he
reaches in and tries to unlock the door.
You make it sound like it is already bleeding. Describe exactly what happens on screen.
Why the capitalised names? Just on the first mention.
“There is no grief which time does not lessen and
soften” - Cicero
Seems obvious -- is this what the film will set out to prove?
INT. - OUR WORLD MUSEUM – MORNING
incorrect -- use DAY or NIGHT.
A 10’ by 10’ wooden table, very thick and painted dark blue,
holds two bouquets of flowers, a pitcher with water, seven
pieces of apples and oranges, one pound of uncooked rice and
several pillows. Little jars of brightly colored sand and
several chak-purs are within easy reach of the table.
Now too much detail.
Page 6 is incorrectly formatted.
SAMANTHA is at a washing machine, angrily throwing her
clothes in. She is wearing a filthy overcoat and nothing
else. She slams the lid of the washer down and starts the
machine.
SAMANTHA goes into the ladies room and locks the door. She
leans against it a moment.
You need new slugs or minislugs when you change a location.
7/8 dialogue is exposition.
SUPER: Clip of MILDRED watching SAMANTHA being taken away
fades into MILDRED, now late 60’s, standing next to her son
JASON, late 30’s, as CHIN YUEN finishes talking to reporters.
The scars on her cheek are visible.
Incredibly cheesey. Like an 80's MOW.
10 – another scene of telling not showing.
talking
to herself.
Saying what?
A van is traveling on the freeway, with a small Tibetan flag
on the radio antenna.
11- Would the monks not be met at the airport?
Just tell me where to go. Where do I go?
Do I keep driving? What exit do I take?
Where are we?
Americanised phrases. "What exit."
MILDRED runs from room to room checking on everything. There
is the sound of a vehicle pulling into her driveway. The horn
honks.
MILDRED
Jason, they’re here! Oh my God!
JASON
Calm down already. You’ll scare them
away.
There is a knocking at the door.
Describe what we see. The monks get from the car to the door in a second.
EXT. - BACKYARD - MORNING
SHEN and WANG are shown squatting, their hands behind their
heads. The exchange looks.
I don't understand what they are doing.
So they have internet and video cameras but are impressed by marshmallows?
JASON, LOK, TERING and MINGYUR are sitting on a picnic table,
watching WANG chasing SHEN, who is running behind anything he
can find.
Like what? Too long, yet undescriptive.
MASTER
(in Chinese)
What happened?
SHEN
(in Chinese)
We were playing with the water. I tripped
over the bike.
Repitition. We already saw this.
MASTER
Oh. I am sorry. (to SAMANTHA) My brother
was not trying to steal your bike. We are
very sorry if you thought so. He tripped
over it and was trying to pick it up for
you.
Repetitive and dull.
MILDRED
I am so sorry. I really, really am sorry.
Sometimes if a gate doesn’t lock...who
knows who will walk in! Well. I
was..um..oh yes..tea. Would anyone like
tea?
Nobody interesting or likable yet.
23.
A car is seen pulling up to a light.
Try:
A car pulls up at a light.
SHEN’s hand is seen picking up the photo.
Try:
Shen picks up the photo.
Various scenes from the “Mr. Bean” tape.
All the MONKS laugh heartily and comment on the various
situations Mr. Bean gets into.
Lazy. Give us the scene, what is said. Unless this is a blueprint for something you will film yourself.
MASTER
We visit the museum this afternoon and
start building the mandala. Then we will
help out at the Mission.
My brothers will also let you know places
they would like to see. Do you think it
will be possible to visit some sites
before we go to the Mission tonight?
Could be rewritten in less than half the words.
27.
EXT. - PARKING LOT - EVENING
A parking lot next to an abandoned building is filled with
tents and makeshift sleeping areas.
Overwritten.
Garbage is along the side walk.
Odd prose.
SHEN, LOK, MASTER and JASON are in the serving line. The rest
of the MONKS wait to hand out plates. All are joking with
each other.
About what?
SAMANTHA puts a little note under JACOB’s chin. She makes
sure it is secure. She stands, puts on JACOB’s hat, then
walks away.
Camera pans down to show the sign: “This is Jacob. He woke up
dead”. The rain starts to wash away the writing.
Note or sign?
55
Why? She needs the cleaning, not the
floor.
People seem to talk in broken English.
The beads are shown in slow motion, dropping to the ground,
bouncing and scattering everywhere.
Cheesey 80's pop video again.
SAMANTHA starts looking everywhere at once.
How?
SHEN remembers finding LING’s body.
How do I see this? Is it a flashback?
66/67 – what is happening on screen as we hear Shen telling this story?
DR. MA
For crying out loud, calm down. We’re
talking about his trip.
Doesn't talk like a doctor.
80 – just really dull dialogue.
OFFICER (CONT’D)
Got a report there was an attack or
something. So what happened?
Doesn't sound like a policeman.
JASON
Just told you. You listen?
What is the point of the scene with the policeman.
OFFICER
I am so tired of being disrespected.
What is the point of that line?
91 You gotta wonder why nobody ever thought to take the knife of her...
MASTER
Shen is with her. He will watch over her.
MILDRED
How is she?
MASTER
Her nose has been broken.
MILDRED grips the handrail.
MILDRED
Does she need anything?
MASTER
I do not believe so. The hospital took
good care of her. She is in some pain,
but seems to be handling it quite well.
In a few days, she’ll need to see a
doctor. Right now she just needs to have
some rest.
Repetitive...
The sand is shown in slow motion, billowing for a moment on
the air, and then casting down into the sea.
80's pop video again.
SHEN smiles and olds the beads to his heart.
Holds.
read -
A review of The Touch (r.2)by Dominic.Jenkinson on 08/29/2010It's apparent from your Triggerstreet previous uploads that your work has proved popular in the past, so I was pleased this fell into my assignment pile. I'm also something of an Australiaphile, so was doubly pleased to have something to read today. You obviously know your way around a screenplay. The writing mechanics were excellent. Short and punchy descriptions and dialogue... It's apparent from your Triggerstreet previous uploads that your work has proved popular in the past, so I was pleased this fell into my assignment pile. I'm also something of an Australiaphile, so was doubly pleased to have something to read today.
You obviously know your way around a screenplay. The writing mechanics were excellent. Short and punchy descriptions and dialogue. No big ugly blocks of text, and clear/concise headings. The overall package looks like a script.
With the odd reservation I enjoyed the story. It was a bit like 'The Green Mile' meets 'All creatures great and small.' Although I realise I may be in the minority of viewers of that show... certainly on this site.
I like to let the story float around my head for a while after reading. Admittedly I haven't given yours as much as I would have liked, so there may be more to follow later as it occurs to me.
One occurence that I picked up when I just read the logline again was the 'risks his life' line. I never really considered that on the read. The reason he shut himself away so much, the reason his mother hid him from friends. This was in an effort to avoid trying to heal beyond his limits, right? I believe you tried to demonstrate this with the heart attack that he avoids in the street, right?
Maybe my bad on picking this up so late. But I never really felt for his safety. Quite the opposite, he's fairly indestructible. Maybe the heart attack scene could be a flashback of a different nature. Show us eary on an attempt of him as a child, taking on too big a healing, and ending up near death... Hence mother's concerns and her mollycoddling of him.
See if others agree. Might be just me.
One aspect that I thought you really nailed (and I struggle with) was the effortless way you jumped from flashback to modern day. The pacing and equality you gave to this was excellent. It also fitted well with the typical screenplay structure. Good stuff.
I make fairly careful notes on some reads, but fear you may lose a few readers with your character introductions.
LUCAS DANIEL, 10, pale skin, blond shaggy hair in his eyes,
leans out and looks down the alley to the street beyond.
DARCY WELLS, 10, her beauty already obvious on her downcast
face,
SHANE WELLS, 35, a white collar
worker in a cheap suit.
LISA WELLS, 35,
haggard and aged beyond her years
EMILY DANIEL, 28, an attractive but
stressed woman
MRS. WINSTON, 65 and well-to-do
JO, 17, an attractive clerk,
BRYCE HARGRAVES, 65, a tough, sun-wrinkled farmer,
GEORGIA, 17, in old farm
clothes, gumboots and a long blonde ponytail poking through
the back of her baseball cap, is a picture of a tom-boy
through and through.
MIKE, 18,
That's 10 people in 9 pages. I don't have a problem with that many characters (including the minor ones that we don't know are minor) but the names and Descriptions could be a tad more stand-outish.
I tend to take an Amisian hand to my names if I can, and although I don't think you should call Bryce 'Mr. Farmer' you could certainly have better names.
The descriptions themselves are a bit sparse. I always find a punchy couple of lines works better than a purely physical description. After a bit of telling dialogue, you can always throw in a few more lines that will make the character feel a bit rounder. Of course their actions and dialogue should then do the rest...
http://johnaugust.com/archives/2007/how-to-introduce-character is an article that I enjoyed on the subject.
I was watching 'In Bruges' (again) last night, and I got to thinking about the Hotel manager. She is a minor character, with a lot of character. Maybe some of your smaller people could be ramped up a bit to add some colour?
The main characters were good. I did feel Lucas seemed inconsistent, but maybe that was your intention, showing that way as he went through his arc.
One side story that I was unsure about was Georgina and her want-away fashion dreams. This felt a tad tacked on, and I wonder if making her want-awayness more related to the farm itself would not be more interesting? If the death of her bull and the herd were more the reason for her going, then more reason for Bryce to be angry toward Lucas. I really questioned his motivation at shooting Lucas. Seemed an overreaction to say the least.
I did enjoy the brevity of dialogue. There are occasions where it lacked subtlety. That might be fine if you're going for a MOW type script (I don't mean to be insulting, but it did read like one) but I would of enjoyed a bit more subtlety. Whether in song lyrics, or conversation, it's always startlingly obvious what everybody means.
As for:
GEORGIA
You haven’t seen those walking
boots I wore in Japan, have you? I
know I had them the first few days
after I got home, but they’ve
vanished. Dad?
I'd lose that kind of heavy exposition.
When pointing out the horses scarred face "You can’t see past that?"
So you're using an example of an animal with a scarred face to refer back to... Yup, the same thing. The contrast could of been an old falling down barn or anything, something to make the point, as opposed to hammer it home.
SPOILERS
I was expecting the final death scene. Not really happy with it. It's a lot to go through for the downer ending, even with the promise of new life. I was hoping he'd smash his way out of the coffin at the end... J/K. Seriously, I would have liked more of a twist. It was 'satisfying' in a 'tied it all up' way, I was just left wanting more.
When reading a script of this quality, a lot of my thoughts and internal debates are the same as when I leave the cinema. So remember, what I wanted to happen at the end of Toy Story 3 or Inception are just what I wanted, and not what should happen. Same with a lot of my criticisms of this script. I enjoyed it, hence the level of negatives... If you look at them as negatives!
Overall good work, and a great framework constructed, that just needs upholstering.
Dom.
Notes
6 – litters. First poor word choice.
Character descriptions too light.
Bryce motivation?
24 – intension
LISA
You wanna burn alive? Go ahead
Seems harsh.
So forget the pitiful excuses. What
I care about, is what you want.
Sounds unnatural.
This dialogue would benefit from a table read for the dialogue.
Quick read. Enjoyable story.
read
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Submissions by Dominic.Jenkinson
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Genres: dramaFour slices of loneliness. New draft uploaded. Thanks to all the reviewers for their help.
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Two English losers travel to L.A. where they fight fate, coincidence and their own quitter mentality, to find a... more
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A bullied schoolboy stumbles into a new world. He must overcome an inescapable island prison, age old prejudice... more
Reviews by Dominic.Jenkinson 237
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A review of MIRROR, MIRRORby Dominic.Jenkinson on 09/07/2010Great title by the way. Whatever kind of movie this would make, this was certainly a fun and engaging read. Aside from the expertly formatted pages, the decriptions and dialogue were concise, characters consistent, and dialogue speech distinctive. As a native Brit, I wondered if you'd let yourself down with Emma's dialogue -- I don't think you did. Maybe a few too many 'loves'... Great title by the way. Whatever kind of movie this would make, this was certainly a fun and engaging read.
Aside from the expertly formatted pages, the decriptions and dialogue were concise, characters consistent, and dialogue speech distinctive.
As a native Brit, I wondered if you'd let yourself down with Emma's dialogue -- I don't think you did. Maybe a few too many 'loves' for me, but I suppose there are people like that, and it's good to give people quirks occasionally. If I were to be REALLY pedantic I'd question the use of Avebury as he place of birth and where she grew up. Have you been? (It's a popular tourist destination, famous for its circle of stones.) I'm not sure there's many working class people who could afford to live in its pretty cottages. As I said -- pedantic.
It's difficult to know what tone you were aiming for. I did detect a shift occasionally, I wasn't sure how intentional that was. It could be quite campy and fun at times, scary, unbelievable, and chilling. You were certainly having fun as you wrote it, it certainly paid off in the read. Good stuff.
If you were going to aim for a more consistent tone, I'm not sure I could advise which direction to go in. I thought the one mis-step may have been in the imagined visuals of Lauren's home and neighbour. My personal choice would have been something more grounded in reality, but still revealing. IE it's not really her house and she is sharing it with the dead bodies of the real owners... Just off the top of my head.
I preffered the brooding, uncomfortable feeling that I got as Lauren descended into madness. Personally I felt a tad more subtlety would be better up until page 50 where she makes her speech -- I laughed out loud on the bus at that OTT performance. Excellent.
What I'm reffering to is maybe the elevator stoppage and brakes cutting were a tad OTT. I'm not sure the tension maybe better maintained if we don't quite know how Mr. Producer died... accident or something more sinister. The scenes of the elevator and crash seemed a tad rushed, and might be reconsidered to keep us guessing on Lauren.
SPOILERS --
I'd also suggest foreshadowing Lauren and Emma's relationship. Easily done when you show us the TV piece on Emma. Try and disguise it a bit, but maybe (again off the top of my head) something like "This British orphan who shot to notoriety playing the sexy orphan in the Oscar..."
Sort of hiding the orphan bit with a something else, but still feeding the audience a clue. Imho.
I think you're just a draft or two from having a solid popcorn thriller here. Great fun.
atb,
Dom.
Notes:
"JOHN VINCENT, early forties, Impossibly handsome. Intense good looks under messy pepper
hair"
Nice intro.
"EMMA MARSHALL, early thirties,
has curves in all the right places."
Bit more detail for our protag?
Maybe remove the "Jessica" Not confusing on the screen, but maybe for the reader. No real need for a name to be used in dialogue.
Emma's British accent seems genuine.
Born and raised in Avebury,
England...
workingclass?
John holds up Spock’s Vulcan salute.
JOHN
Scout’s honor.
GEOFF
(rolls his eyes)
Jesus Fuck-me Christ.
LOL.
17 Goddammit = Fuck me!
Brits swear a lot. We rarely use damn/goddamn.
24 – wait, did lauren break a lift. This whole scene seemed a bit rushed and would work better if 1. We cared about the producer a bit more. (give him a mini 'save the cat moment?' 2. It was just the car, not the elevator. Better still, have him bludeoned to death on the staiwell? (by who...?)
29 – realistic sounding TV dialogue.
Character's speak with individual voices. Good stuff.
Lauren's descent into madness should be more brooding... slower.
41
EMMA
I’d say you look gorgeous, but I
don’t want to come off like a
bloody narcissist.
Good.
50 -speech, lol. This would be an ideal point for the game to be up and we know Lauren to be nuts. Real nuts. Show us uncomfortable looks in the audience... "Why is Emma so keen to thank a double" kinda vibe/reaction.
Lose the producer's death, subtle up the madness. Make pg 50 where she really goes loopy. Make Emma more sick... seems like she could have attended.
59 – Give Emma more of a clue to why it was Lauren who spiked the drink. Like a 'BINGO!' moment.
It takes us a moment to realize we’ve only seen the house
through Lauren’s eyes... in reality it looks like hell.
Mistep in my opinion.
Mr Stumpy... seems out of place. Some dead resients in part hats, and rotting flesh would be more believable.
As she speeds past, she glances up. A dozen tourists lean
over the side and give her the middle finger.
Unlikely that they would see 'her' twice. Maybe construction workers who were gonna be in the same place... But like:
ZOO SECURITY
Lady really wants to see some
animals.
The gags probably not needed.
Was adoption foreshadowed? I may of missed it. If not, maybe hide in:
ANNOUNCER (FROM TV) (cont’d)
Born and raised in Romford,
England, Emma Neilson conquered the
British box office by the age of
eighteen. Her break-out American
role was in “Little Lies” for which
she earned her first Oscar
nomination. More hits followed, an
eclectic mix of period pieces,
action blockbusters, and hardhitting
thrillers.
Not sure about Chloe's stunt...
Final scenes good, but maybe just need a tidyup. read -
A review of The Humane Facadeby Dominic.Jenkinson on 09/04/2010I'd noticed the logline of 'The Humane Facade' in the daily favourites, and hoped it would fall into my assignment pile. I also noticed this comment, regarding PabloSecca's review, pop up on the TS homepage: "Thanks for the 'review' of The Humane Facade. You just didn't get it - but that can happen. Thanks anyway." This added further to my interest. Having now read the piece,... I'd noticed the logline of 'The Humane Facade' in the daily favourites, and hoped it would fall into my assignment pile. I also noticed this comment, regarding PabloSecca's review, pop up on the TS homepage:
"Thanks for the 'review' of The Humane Facade. You just didn't get it - but that can happen. Thanks anyway."
This added further to my interest. Having now read the piece, and Pablo's generous review, you may want to skip reading my review, as I fear I may also be guilty of 'not getting it.' Either way, I don't intend to be unduly harsh, but occasionally you gotta tell it like you see it.
What I did like -- the premise of two worlds colliding. How will these two distant lives possibly come together? I was intrigued.
The idea of innocents abroad -- How will the Monks adapt to the City of San Francisco and the ways of the USA?
Learning something of the culture and ways of the monks. The meaning behind their lives and the details of the Mandala.
I presumed there was to be some clever, artful way in bringing these characters together -- for that is what is promised in the logline. I'm thinking something along the lines of Inarritu's 'Babel,' or 'Amorres Perros.' You took a different path and just put the monks on a plane to San Francisco. Oh. All of a sudden their meeting doesn't sound so impossible.
There was some interesting imagery -- monks running around with super soakers, and I thought that this would be an area you could of developed further. I think the problem that you encounter here is that the Monks are in turn quite well schooled in the ways of the west (internet, videocameras, driving themselves from San Francisco airport to Mildred's without a welcoming committee...) yet naive to the ways of bubble bath and marshmallows. I think you need to decide which it is (the naive option is surely the more cinematic and fun?)
There are a number of problems with the presentation and formatting, again, I know you're not happy with criticism, but it would be dishonest of me not to point out that this is the poorest formatting I've ever come across. The purchase of 'The Screenwriting Bible' should be your next step in your writing future. I've included notes below of some of the biggest errors that slow down the read and are painful on the eye.
The standard of writing fails in two areas -- Dialogue (see below) and business lines, or 'action.' The descriptions of both characters and action is unclear and muddled. It's written in the incorrect tense, is passive and regularly describes impossible actions for the screen.
There seems to be no adherance to 1 page = 1 minute, with people able to do many things in a single sentence, that on screen would be unrealistic.
Concept.
Despite finding this a struggle to comprehend, and wonder whether I'm missing some deeper truth, as you suggested, I think that this is by far the strongest aspect of your travails. You have had an idea, now it needs focusing and putting into a presentable idea. Monks from Tibet in America -- Interesting to a degree. Two people with damage in their history help each other despite not sharing a common tongue -- again, interesting to a degree. Can these two concepts be brought together to make an interesting story? Can Cicero's quote you use (which is kinda obvious) be presented in an intersting way?
Story.
Monks on a tour of the USA interact with a host family, bringing their damaged daughter back into the fold.
It just wasn't enough. There was never enough conflict or drama to keep me interested. There wasn't enough depth... Unless I'm really missing something.
Character.
Samantha is always going to be annoying. That may seem a little un-pc, but hey, it's my coins buying the cinema ticket. She's too deranged and the constant babbling of her childish, unpunctuated spiel just grates. She needs to be more interesting and consistent.
Jason and Mildred were cardboard cutouts with no distinguishing features or development arc. The Master and the monks were similar cliches. All would need building from the bottom up.
Structure.
There wasn't really a discernable 'B' story that tied in well. Nobody seemed to change or develop. Acts just rolled into one long series of episodes.
Dialogue.
Easily the poorest aspect of the script. Just unreal and on the nose. Full of mundane niceties and chit chat that revealed little and failed to move the story on. The Doctor's and Policeman's dialogue was inconsistant with their proffesions.
Overall.
Not a fan of this one at all. Despite a few redeeming features there were just too many lazy shortcuts, errors, and a lack of respect for the reader, as well as a lack of research into screenwriting mechanics. With all these problems it's no wonder readers can't get to the heart of the story. You're doing yourself a disservice with this sloppy draft.
All the best with this version and future drafts.
DJ.
Notes.
Lack of title page is unprofessional.
A loud commotion is heard as SAMANTHA SHEPHARD, early 20s, is
being held down on a gurney. She is violent; her eyes are
wild, her bottom lip is bleeding.
In all this wild thrashing, we can focus on her bottom lip bleeding? Why not just a bleeding mouth?
We don't need 'is heard' that is apparent.
MILDRED SHEPHARD, SAMANTHA’S mother, late 40’s,
Poor description. Make your intros livlier.
INT. - HOSPITAL EXAMINATION ROOM – NIGHT
That's the same scene heading -- repeated throughout the script.
Camera pans away from SAMANTHA to the window of the room.
Just describe the scene. The camera angles just destract from your story.
MILDRED leans her head against the window and closes her
eyes.
even your short action lines could be more brief to remove the extra word taking us to a new line...
Officer and Mildred's dialogue. Doesn't seem real.
3 – death by exhaust fumes is usually a smoke free death?
The window shatters; SHEN’s arm is bleeding badly as he
reaches in and tries to unlock the door.
You make it sound like it is already bleeding. Describe exactly what happens on screen.
Why the capitalised names? Just on the first mention.
“There is no grief which time does not lessen and
soften” - Cicero
Seems obvious -- is this what the film will set out to prove?
INT. - OUR WORLD MUSEUM – MORNING
incorrect -- use DAY or NIGHT.
A 10’ by 10’ wooden table, very thick and painted dark blue,
holds two bouquets of flowers, a pitcher with water, seven
pieces of apples and oranges, one pound of uncooked rice and
several pillows. Little jars of brightly colored sand and
several chak-purs are within easy reach of the table.
Now too much detail.
Page 6 is incorrectly formatted.
SAMANTHA is at a washing machine, angrily throwing her
clothes in. She is wearing a filthy overcoat and nothing
else. She slams the lid of the washer down and starts the
machine.
SAMANTHA goes into the ladies room and locks the door. She
leans against it a moment.
You need new slugs or minislugs when you change a location.
7/8 dialogue is exposition.
SUPER: Clip of MILDRED watching SAMANTHA being taken away
fades into MILDRED, now late 60’s, standing next to her son
JASON, late 30’s, as CHIN YUEN finishes talking to reporters.
The scars on her cheek are visible.
Incredibly cheesey. Like an 80's MOW.
10 – another scene of telling not showing.
talking
to herself.
Saying what?
A van is traveling on the freeway, with a small Tibetan flag
on the radio antenna.
11- Would the monks not be met at the airport?
Just tell me where to go. Where do I go?
Do I keep driving? What exit do I take?
Where are we?
Americanised phrases. "What exit."
MILDRED runs from room to room checking on everything. There
is the sound of a vehicle pulling into her driveway. The horn
honks.
MILDRED
Jason, they’re here! Oh my God!
JASON
Calm down already. You’ll scare them
away.
There is a knocking at the door.
Describe what we see. The monks get from the car to the door in a second.
EXT. - BACKYARD - MORNING
SHEN and WANG are shown squatting, their hands behind their
heads. The exchange looks.
I don't understand what they are doing.
So they have internet and video cameras but are impressed by marshmallows?
JASON, LOK, TERING and MINGYUR are sitting on a picnic table,
watching WANG chasing SHEN, who is running behind anything he
can find.
Like what? Too long, yet undescriptive.
MASTER
(in Chinese)
What happened?
SHEN
(in Chinese)
We were playing with the water. I tripped
over the bike.
Repitition. We already saw this.
MASTER
Oh. I am sorry. (to SAMANTHA) My brother
was not trying to steal your bike. We are
very sorry if you thought so. He tripped
over it and was trying to pick it up for
you.
Repetitive and dull.
MILDRED
I am so sorry. I really, really am sorry.
Sometimes if a gate doesn’t lock...who
knows who will walk in! Well. I
was..um..oh yes..tea. Would anyone like
tea?
Nobody interesting or likable yet.
23.
A car is seen pulling up to a light.
Try:
A car pulls up at a light.
SHEN’s hand is seen picking up the photo.
Try:
Shen picks up the photo.
Various scenes from the “Mr. Bean” tape.
All the MONKS laugh heartily and comment on the various
situations Mr. Bean gets into.
Lazy. Give us the scene, what is said. Unless this is a blueprint for something you will film yourself.
MASTER
We visit the museum this afternoon and
start building the mandala. Then we will
help out at the Mission.
My brothers will also let you know places
they would like to see. Do you think it
will be possible to visit some sites
before we go to the Mission tonight?
Could be rewritten in less than half the words.
27.
EXT. - PARKING LOT - EVENING
A parking lot next to an abandoned building is filled with
tents and makeshift sleeping areas.
Overwritten.
Garbage is along the side walk.
Odd prose.
SHEN, LOK, MASTER and JASON are in the serving line. The rest
of the MONKS wait to hand out plates. All are joking with
each other.
About what?
SAMANTHA puts a little note under JACOB’s chin. She makes
sure it is secure. She stands, puts on JACOB’s hat, then
walks away.
Camera pans down to show the sign: “This is Jacob. He woke up
dead”. The rain starts to wash away the writing.
Note or sign?
55
Why? She needs the cleaning, not the
floor.
People seem to talk in broken English.
The beads are shown in slow motion, dropping to the ground,
bouncing and scattering everywhere.
Cheesey 80's pop video again.
SAMANTHA starts looking everywhere at once.
How?
SHEN remembers finding LING’s body.
How do I see this? Is it a flashback?
66/67 – what is happening on screen as we hear Shen telling this story?
DR. MA
For crying out loud, calm down. We’re
talking about his trip.
Doesn't talk like a doctor.
80 – just really dull dialogue.
OFFICER (CONT’D)
Got a report there was an attack or
something. So what happened?
Doesn't sound like a policeman.
JASON
Just told you. You listen?
What is the point of the scene with the policeman.
OFFICER
I am so tired of being disrespected.
What is the point of that line?
91 You gotta wonder why nobody ever thought to take the knife of her...
MASTER
Shen is with her. He will watch over her.
MILDRED
How is she?
MASTER
Her nose has been broken.
MILDRED grips the handrail.
MILDRED
Does she need anything?
MASTER
I do not believe so. The hospital took
good care of her. She is in some pain,
but seems to be handling it quite well.
In a few days, she’ll need to see a
doctor. Right now she just needs to have
some rest.
Repetitive...
The sand is shown in slow motion, billowing for a moment on
the air, and then casting down into the sea.
80's pop video again.
SHEN smiles and olds the beads to his heart.
Holds.
read -
A review of The Touch (r.2)by Dominic.Jenkinson on 08/29/2010It's apparent from your Triggerstreet previous uploads that your work has proved popular in the past, so I was pleased this fell into my assignment pile. I'm also something of an Australiaphile, so was doubly pleased to have something to read today. You obviously know your way around a screenplay. The writing mechanics were excellent. Short and punchy descriptions and dialogue... It's apparent from your Triggerstreet previous uploads that your work has proved popular in the past, so I was pleased this fell into my assignment pile. I'm also something of an Australiaphile, so was doubly pleased to have something to read today.
You obviously know your way around a screenplay. The writing mechanics were excellent. Short and punchy descriptions and dialogue. No big ugly blocks of text, and clear/concise headings. The overall package looks like a script.
With the odd reservation I enjoyed the story. It was a bit like 'The Green Mile' meets 'All creatures great and small.' Although I realise I may be in the minority of viewers of that show... certainly on this site.
I like to let the story float around my head for a while after reading. Admittedly I haven't given yours as much as I would have liked, so there may be more to follow later as it occurs to me.
One occurence that I picked up when I just read the logline again was the 'risks his life' line. I never really considered that on the read. The reason he shut himself away so much, the reason his mother hid him from friends. This was in an effort to avoid trying to heal beyond his limits, right? I believe you tried to demonstrate this with the heart attack that he avoids in the street, right?
Maybe my bad on picking this up so late. But I never really felt for his safety. Quite the opposite, he's fairly indestructible. Maybe the heart attack scene could be a flashback of a different nature. Show us eary on an attempt of him as a child, taking on too big a healing, and ending up near death... Hence mother's concerns and her mollycoddling of him.
See if others agree. Might be just me.
One aspect that I thought you really nailed (and I struggle with) was the effortless way you jumped from flashback to modern day. The pacing and equality you gave to this was excellent. It also fitted well with the typical screenplay structure. Good stuff.
I make fairly careful notes on some reads, but fear you may lose a few readers with your character introductions.
LUCAS DANIEL, 10, pale skin, blond shaggy hair in his eyes,
leans out and looks down the alley to the street beyond.
DARCY WELLS, 10, her beauty already obvious on her downcast
face,
SHANE WELLS, 35, a white collar
worker in a cheap suit.
LISA WELLS, 35,
haggard and aged beyond her years
EMILY DANIEL, 28, an attractive but
stressed woman
MRS. WINSTON, 65 and well-to-do
JO, 17, an attractive clerk,
BRYCE HARGRAVES, 65, a tough, sun-wrinkled farmer,
GEORGIA, 17, in old farm
clothes, gumboots and a long blonde ponytail poking through
the back of her baseball cap, is a picture of a tom-boy
through and through.
MIKE, 18,
That's 10 people in 9 pages. I don't have a problem with that many characters (including the minor ones that we don't know are minor) but the names and Descriptions could be a tad more stand-outish.
I tend to take an Amisian hand to my names if I can, and although I don't think you should call Bryce 'Mr. Farmer' you could certainly have better names.
The descriptions themselves are a bit sparse. I always find a punchy couple of lines works better than a purely physical description. After a bit of telling dialogue, you can always throw in a few more lines that will make the character feel a bit rounder. Of course their actions and dialogue should then do the rest...
http://johnaugust.com/archives/2007/how-to-introduce-character is an article that I enjoyed on the subject.
I was watching 'In Bruges' (again) last night, and I got to thinking about the Hotel manager. She is a minor character, with a lot of character. Maybe some of your smaller people could be ramped up a bit to add some colour?
The main characters were good. I did feel Lucas seemed inconsistent, but maybe that was your intention, showing that way as he went through his arc.
One side story that I was unsure about was Georgina and her want-away fashion dreams. This felt a tad tacked on, and I wonder if making her want-awayness more related to the farm itself would not be more interesting? If the death of her bull and the herd were more the reason for her going, then more reason for Bryce to be angry toward Lucas. I really questioned his motivation at shooting Lucas. Seemed an overreaction to say the least.
I did enjoy the brevity of dialogue. There are occasions where it lacked subtlety. That might be fine if you're going for a MOW type script (I don't mean to be insulting, but it did read like one) but I would of enjoyed a bit more subtlety. Whether in song lyrics, or conversation, it's always startlingly obvious what everybody means.
As for:
GEORGIA
You haven’t seen those walking
boots I wore in Japan, have you? I
know I had them the first few days
after I got home, but they’ve
vanished. Dad?
I'd lose that kind of heavy exposition.
When pointing out the horses scarred face "You can’t see past that?"
So you're using an example of an animal with a scarred face to refer back to... Yup, the same thing. The contrast could of been an old falling down barn or anything, something to make the point, as opposed to hammer it home.
SPOILERS
I was expecting the final death scene. Not really happy with it. It's a lot to go through for the downer ending, even with the promise of new life. I was hoping he'd smash his way out of the coffin at the end... J/K. Seriously, I would have liked more of a twist. It was 'satisfying' in a 'tied it all up' way, I was just left wanting more.
When reading a script of this quality, a lot of my thoughts and internal debates are the same as when I leave the cinema. So remember, what I wanted to happen at the end of Toy Story 3 or Inception are just what I wanted, and not what should happen. Same with a lot of my criticisms of this script. I enjoyed it, hence the level of negatives... If you look at them as negatives!
Overall good work, and a great framework constructed, that just needs upholstering.
Dom.
Notes
6 – litters. First poor word choice.
Character descriptions too light.
Bryce motivation?
24 – intension
LISA
You wanna burn alive? Go ahead
Seems harsh.
So forget the pitiful excuses. What
I care about, is what you want.
Sounds unnatural.
This dialogue would benefit from a table read for the dialogue.
Quick read. Enjoyable story.
read -
A review of Get Out Clauseby Dominic.Jenkinson on 11/27/2009Hey Jwest, well, I feel bad that I've taken so long to get round to this and that after your previous in-depth review of table, I'm going to be so brief... The main reason I'll be brief is that you stated already it's a 10 day first draft, so its probably redundant to pick up on the minor glitches and odd sentence, and better to stick to the bigger issues both good or bad... Hey Jwest,
well, I feel bad that I've taken so long to get round to this and that after your previous in-depth review of table, I'm going to be so brief...
The main reason I'll be brief is that you stated already it's a 10 day first draft, so its probably redundant to pick up on the minor glitches and odd sentence, and better to stick to the bigger issues both good or bad.
So into it.
When reading a story where there is a certain amount of fantasy/unreality, I'm always aware of the fade into that world from reality. In GOC we dive pretty much in, with nary a warning. This was obviously a conscious choice, I'm wondering if it's wise.
Take this later scene:
She leads Tanya to a wall. Ella pulls back a thick, heavy
curtain. To reveal line after line of Polaroid pictures.
Ella pushes Tanya forward.
Pale, young girls with innocent faces caught in an instant.
Glassy, dead eyes stare back.
ELLA
Just a few of the --
TANYA
(hushed)
Girls.
ELLA
Our wall of fame.
That feeling of spookiness that I got when reading that would have been well placed before walking in on the Crew and having that sudden tilt from reality to fantasy.
Minor quibble-- character names of The Crew -- Santos is great, but what's with the other mundane names? Not very scary... I found it difficult to conjure up the descriptions you attributed to such common/normal names.
Clever devices -- There were some clever and unique little twists that you employed, like the decapitated cunnilingus and a man with a head split in two.
Concept --
Certainly unique, and I can see how it was based in part on a dream. The angle of the actual get out clause did seem brushed over, and I never really had a sense of what was keeping her from just doing a runner.
Because of the mixture of romance and horror, the shift in tone was occasionally jarring.
Characters --
Names aside, the crew and Ella are by far the most interesting. Tanya and her early first act friends need the fleshing out of subsequent drafts.
Dialogue --
Consistent and real sounding. Probably the best of yours I read. No Jwest in any of the characters ;)
Story --
Seemed like a beginning, middle and end, but maybe lacking any surprising twists and turns.
Structure --
Seemed fine.
Overall --
As it stands, a fun exercise in translating some ideas to paper, but not a fully realised feature film in my humbles... Would need a fair bit of development and further drafts.
Cheers,
DJ. read -
A review of Victim8 (old version)by Dominic.Jenkinson on 06/30/2009There's a really cool concept at the heart of Victim8. There have been more than enough recent examples of amoral acts by a demographic of uninspired and apathetic underclass. The Emo kids with nothing to fight against as they update twitter from their I-phones whilst sipping a Coke in Mcdonalds. Satirising this or parodying it is what I think is missing from V8. I think... There's a really cool concept at the heart of Victim8. There have been more than enough recent examples of amoral acts by a demographic of uninspired and apathetic underclass. The Emo kids with nothing to fight against as they update twitter from their I-phones whilst sipping a Coke in Mcdonalds.
Satirising this or parodying it is what I think is missing from V8. I think that the sp is caught in some indecision to be just a genre piece, or whether its got something bigger to say.
Don't get me wrong,there are some insightful moment, but generally, I'd have to judge this as a slasher flick, which might fully be your intention.
This really isn't my genre, so take this with a handful of salt...
As a slasher there are some moments of brilliant creativity. I loved the opening scenes updated twitter account, foretelling of the victims death. I loved the scene where Jimmy thinks the house is gonna blow up, and it does. Some comedy moments.
As a first draft it certainly lays some good groundwork, and it will be interesting to see where this goes. As I said in opening, I'd of loved more on the theme of the disenfranchised kids, but seeing as there's none really in the script, we don't get to see much of them.
Maybe a couple of normal kids, who could be involved in the website as members would open things up... They could easily replace the musclemen guys.
As for the mechanics, I'd say it runs a tad long on this draft. The Characters need some work (Mel, Jimmy and Mac specifically) and it needs a dialogue polish.
I know this is a fairly early draft, and as Scam's number 1 fan, I'm sure it's gonna improve with age like a fine Barossa red.
Look forward to the next draft,
cheers,
Dom.
Notes.
Like the Twitter, like the youths chat.
I’d make the original death more original, and use the forehead instead of the hand.
Mel’s arc. Needs to fight back. Never fulfilled?
12 Can’t help but think again, this is a great scene, but it should be on his forehead!
13 give Mac an age. I’m presuming 50?
16 – Would he pull his weapon?
17 – The locker’s empty? Maybe a clue here that gives Jimmy belief – a figure, a mention of the vandalism on wall later sparks it?
20 – Mel seems very calm seeing John Haddock on the news. Wouldn't this be a SHIT! moment?
21 I’d suspect they would believe her here.
27/28 – not overly fond of this scene, but it does hint that Barbara is involved, which could be a nice red herring.
The two muscle guys just seem to be outside the theme. Why not a couple emo kids to tie in with the theme? (maybe forced to go the class for some reason... just think we need some to tie things in.)
32 – this scene – We’ve had the computer scare, why would she go out to the back? The neighbour bit seems a cop out.
42 – puts me in mind of the seven bit – "your a t-shirt!"
You’ve had other serial killers
after you?
Lol.
Mac and Virus scene needs nailing. How does Virus 'turn' Mac?
M tattoo??
Mention this way earlier. Although not a massive fan.
57 - YANG
Sounds like the sort of thing she’d
say.
Surely Mel has been vindicated. Even in Yang’s eyes?
The whole tying up at the party scene, seems like a trick on the audience.
59 – Bashed = Aussie phrase. Maybe attacked\assaulted?
65 – do cops do this? Film a scene on their phones?
A few unfilmables:
Mel doesn’t notice the bag, but she has seen it many times).
A nondescript grey van follows them. Jimmy doesn’t see
anything except traffic.
Jimmy’s car pulls up at some ugly apartments. He gets out. As
he walks over he sees the grey van pull up across the road
(its recurrence is yet to register).
read -
A review of Pureby Dominic.Jenkinson on 04/15/2009Pure is one of those scripts that becomes a pleasure to read, somewhere between FADE IN and the end of page that is never to be numbered. Hats off, good work, what more can I really offer? The tale is told with a deft touch. I feel like i just walked out of a Frank Darabont picture, not a script reading. The characters and the choices they made (which makes them who they... Pure is one of those scripts that becomes a pleasure to read, somewhere between FADE IN and the end of page that is never to be numbered. Hats off, good work, what more can I really offer?
The tale is told with a deft touch. I feel like i just walked out of a Frank Darabont picture, not a script reading.
The characters and the choices they made (which makes them who they are) are just class examples of how to write a character. All so rounded, all so real. When a brief appearance and few lines of dialogue from HOGAN can damn near bring a tear to your eye, you know that you have a good script in front of you. Excellent work.
The fact that Hogan, as a white man, makes the decisions and choices that he does, leaves us a touch of hope. A hint of light. Good choices.
Throughout this tale I was kept in suspense. Just "watching" Pure head to another course, I was excited. I'm not a golf fan, but understand the game and have visited enough courses to know the stuffy atmosphere. If anything, this script could have a few more comedic scenes in it, (off the top of my head a scene where Pure pretends to be Johnny's caddy but takes his shot when others aren't looking.)overall in fact, if it ever gets picked up, I'd like to see a few more scenes. This could be an epic. As a spec though, you go with a sensible length.
I'm gonna stop waffling now, cause in reality, I really just loved this.
But was I satisfied with the end? Yes, I guess it was satisfying. But seeing as I'd imagined Jazz as Morgan Freeman for the most part, it did put me in mind of you know what...
Having the tragedy that befalls Pure and then the sad fate of Jazz, well, I guess he has time to write down his story, but I just wish he'd found his way to that cottage a bit earlier, like right after a jury finds him not guilty... But I guess I'm a sucker for the happiest of happy endings.
Really enjoyable piece of work. I see you just got a som nom, most deserved, sir! Good luck with this in the comps/sales/wherever you choose to take it,
cheers,
Dom.
Notes:
The top margin seems way off, so not really a 120 page spec? Didn't bother me a bit though!
17 Johnny walks way – away
17 your fat – you’re fat.
24 your/you’re
The scene where Pure first demonstrates his skills to Johnny is simply awesome.
34 –
This line could do with being a tad less expositionary:
JOHNNY
Negro's are barely playing college
football in this country. And golf's
a lot whiter sport than football.
Why the hell'd you choose golf?
(even dropping ‘in this country’ would help.)
PURE
I can do it, sir. I know it. Hitting
a golf ball for me's like breathing.
I just do it, don't have to ponder
about nothing.
JOHNNY
You're a goddamn natural alright.
PURE
Always been that way for me. I just
need you to show me how to do it on
a real golf course.
And:
JOHNNY
If he is the best. You seen him
play. That boy's been put on this
earth to play this game.
Jazz considers this. He can't deny it.
I was wondering if you were heading into difficult territory here. The sometimes presumed belief that black people have a 'natural ability' thus denigrating the graft they have to do be top of their game. Obviously with the 'genetics' issue, you kinda cover this...
56 – structurally you make wise choices to keep the story alive.
71/72 – damn near dropped a tear…
83 – Wonder if this scene could have involved them try to borrow some clubs and nobody volunteering or offering help. read -
A review of THE DHARMA KINGSby Dominic.Jenkinson on 03/18/2009A scene in 'The Dharma Kings' that made me chuckle, involved one of our Westerners meetings with a clairvoyant. When a fellow Westerner prompts the question, When will he die, the answer, December, means he will forever dread December's. At least I don't know the date. The 20th, comments the Holy man. This scene is a throwback to the comedies of old. An Abbot and Costello,... A scene in 'The Dharma Kings' that made me chuckle, involved one of our Westerners meetings with a clairvoyant. When a fellow Westerner prompts the question, When will he die, the answer, December, means he will forever dread December's. At least I don't know the date. The 20th, comments the Holy man.
This scene is a throwback to the comedies of old. An Abbot and Costello, Hope and Crosby or even Capra...
I noted we share a favourite film "It happened one night." A scene like your clairvoyant scene, I could easily see in a Capra comedy.
But where are the others? The tone of this film did seem to waver. I'm sure the scene where Jack puts a cigarette out on a cow and then chops the arm off a live monkey (blood spurts everywhere) wouldn't make Capra's final cut.
Whilst on the subject of humour, our Clooneyesque Jack seems to get most the gags. The surrounding characters just seem to provide the set up lines.
I'm not sure if Jack was even the protagonist of the piece, given the ending, it's difficult to decide who (or what) this film is about. What is the feeling I leave the theatre with? What is the thematic question?
I think that your problems (or maybe just mine) with this script fell in two main areas (of those in a moment) but what can't be denied is you present a great location in all it's colour and from the outset one very good character.
So, those issues.
1. Physical presentation.
Typos abound. Even as the credits 'role.' Needs a proof.
The business lines are really, really overwritten. This is an 80 page script at the best.
The number of 5, 6, 7 lines of action all need to go. 4 should be your max. And then only when neccesary. Try and break them up into lines of two, but mainly cut them out altogether.
You adopt both a passive (full of 'ing' words) and a chatty banterish tone in your business. Chop it out, make it more instant. None of this 'suddenly' and 'and then' style of narrative.
Example.
The three look over to find a Jesus Christ look-a-like humbly walk by them. He is slightly built, long hair, bearded with loose hanging clothes - he totally looks like an authentic image of Jesus Christ.
That sounds like a valley girl is dictating your script.
Could be cut to a more visual depiction of the shots.
A slim Jesus Christ look-a-like humbly walks by. Hair, beard, cloak.
This would let you throw in a line of space and add a single line to sum up the guys reaction.
Imagine a director reading your line, taken literally we just follow their gaze. Better to get the shot and cut to their reactions + dialogue.
Suddenly, a man comes charging out. His name is OLIVER (55) and he is brandishing a walking stick and has a wild expression on his face. He is waif thin and shivers like a hard-up heroin junky.
This description of the heroin junkie is good, but what you describe happens as you write it...
A CRAZED WAIF, 55, charges out, waves a stick wildly and screams. He shivers like a...
I don't know why we needed a name in the scene, saved a few words by just calling him a crazed waif.
This may seem pedantic to discuss in detail the length of business lines and the tense used, but in reality, it's this kind of descriptive brevity that makes for a smooth ride. Otherwise you will find you get lots of people dropping your assignment and taking an easier read... which is what Hollywood readers do when they get a script with muchos black and not much white.
When reading I did find myself wanting to get to the dialogue -- which is more brief, than the long descriptions.
2. Story & Structure
This really seems like a 1 act film. There aren't any real decisive breaks or act changes, rather a series of skits and scenes. The trouble with taking this path is that the challenges and obstacles presented are more for comic effect, rather than changing or developing character.
You throw Jack into this alien world, and that's it for him. He starts off as an egotistical a-hole and where does he leave us? Same place. What about his fellow Americans. Do they really change? I don't think so.
If this script was plotted out using a more typical 3 act structure, plot points, more of a defined goal and them for Jack, and hey, maybe some love interest, you'd have a good script. How marketable it would be after The Darjeeling... I dunno... but that's not my call.
You got some good stuff, mate, but for me it's back to basics,
I wish you luck,
namaste,
Dom.
I normally post my notes here, but I mentioned most in the review and I'm not gonna pick up all the typos and format errors. One thing is, on page 41 your characters take to naming each other a lot.
read -
A review of Messby Dominic.Jenkinson on 03/12/2009Hey DJ, Like this one. It's very professionally put together with some good acting and a witty lines. Couple of things. The opening lines aren't delivered too well, and could have been written better. As soon as we switch to the documentary style interviews it gets better. The actors seem mor comfortable with that. The girl is good. She does angry well. The meadows... Hey DJ,
Like this one. It's very professionally put together with some good acting and a witty lines.
Couple of things.
The opening lines aren't delivered too well, and could have been written better.
As soon as we switch to the documentary style interviews it gets better. The actors seem mor comfortable with that.
The girl is good. She does angry well.
The meadows and forest seem too bright. Grading issue?
There are some nice comic lines in the interviews, but needed a few more juxtapositions.
The documentary footage and interviews work better than the straight drama.
I'd have had two different backgrounds for their interview shots to show they aren't together.
Line about religion changing it's rules made me chuckle.
Pro work mate, good luck with it.
DJ.
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A review of The Apprenticeby Dominic.Jenkinson on 03/04/2009Where to start? Ok, the start. Great intro scene, from the off the tone is set. This is Pythonesque silliness with a good dose of surrealism thrown in. It's also the funniest scripts I've read on here since Ger's work. Some real genuine LOL moments. I must just mention 2: MAN #2 That’s torture for you. It never truly reflects the cost of inflation. EUSEBIO I’m going... Where to start? Ok, the start.
Great intro scene, from the off the tone is set. This is Pythonesque silliness with a good dose of surrealism thrown in.
It's also the funniest scripts I've read on here since Ger's work. Some real genuine LOL moments.
I must just mention 2:
MAN #2
That’s torture for you. It never truly
reflects the cost of inflation.
EUSEBIO
I’m going to cancel my subscription to
Rodents Weekly. Their articles are
often out of date and not infrequently
the information is politically
coloured. There is a new magazine --
In context they had me chuckling.
The script contains a good mixture of gags, visual imagery, and general silliness. The laughs come thick and fast, there's no doubting that this would be even funnier on screen.
The satire seemed to come a bit late in the day, but I just saw it as an extra ingredient into the mix. Of course, that element will date the script? Or maybe WMD will always be funny...
It's tough to critique a story in a piece like this, it's almost incidental to the laughs. I did find that I was losing interest toward the end. i was just going through the motions to get to the end. Maybe a 90 - 95 pager would be a bit sharper?
Or maybe a more pressing need for Eusebio? I dunno. It held my interest well into page 80... so I can't really complain.
Apologies for the shortness of review, overall it was an enjoyable read. I look forward to seeing the CGI squirrel... or will you train a real one?
If you have any questions about specific bits (like if you wondered if they should get together, or whether his elongated arms should shrink faster...) just let me know.
Cheers,
DJ.
Notes:
3 – chord = cord.
37 – pages before a real task is apparent.
56 – than = that
60 – jester becomes court jester
a bit too long. read -
A review of Scam (Redraft)by Dominic.Jenkinson on 03/01/2009Ok, so the third time of reading, what more is left to say? Well, not a lot, so I apologise in advance for earning some easy credit. Going back through this excellent screenplay highlighted a few aspects. Some very positive. Some things that need tightening. The positive -- some wonderful dialogue. Steveo's artful sweariness, Nuke and Three's expositional and calm chat whilst... Ok, so the third time of reading, what more is left to say? Well, not a lot, so I apologise in advance for earning some easy credit.
Going back through this excellent screenplay highlighted a few aspects. Some very positive. Some things that need tightening.
The positive -- some wonderful dialogue. Steveo's artful sweariness, Nuke and Three's expositional and calm chat whilst involved in a dramatic chase, and the ten page long opening conversation -- boy does that NOT feel like ten pages. Really good stuff.
What I did feel upon enjoying the new ending for the second time, was this: Is this now Nuke's story? Now, I know that the answer maybe: No, it's not really anybodies story... Ok -- hold that thought.
Secondly, what is the theme? What is the question that we as an audience are asked to ponder -- even if it's just there in the background whilst we enjoy the fun and games?
Ok, bring those two points together and I think that the theme is about loyalty and when it is acceptable to 'scam' somebody.
Is it ever ok to do somebody over? Is it acceptable for Jonathon or Wanda to scam Kelly and Nuke respectively? You have this theme already hinted at, I mean even Steveo and Daz go behind Jonathon's back.
So my point is, I think Nuke can and should be introduced (subtley) in Jonathon's opening story.
It wouldn't be difficult to introduce him in the story about Statham -- as the muscle who is completely loyal to the sharks. Find a way to get that in, with a little flashback (forward?) to a brief Nuke snippet -- ideally something horrifically endearing (maybe the rooftop scene?) and establish that Nuke will never double cross.
This way, your ending becomes ultra perfect -- with Nuke... well, you know how it goes. If I haven't explained that well, e-mail me, I may be wrong, but I think it will tie in really well.
Not a lot else to say except it's still one of the best scripts I've read.
cheers,
Dom.
Notes.
Steveo’s swears are classics.
16 – do they have those machines in the U.S?
21
KELLY
I met this girl the other night who
works in the toilets.
(Possible comeback)
Jonathon
What? As a janitor?
(funnier if J is more dismissive of Daz when he says it.)
25 – Breaky = Brekkie. ?
28 – title cards are a bit lacking. Look at the spacing. Maybe missing a card: "The sharks"
33 – rip = ripe
36 --
IAN
A team. Can’t have one without the
other. He’s the lion, you’re the
lion tamer.
EMILY
No Nuke, you’re just a guy with a
whip and a chair.
THREE
Great.
Should Emily say "No Three..." (Nuke's not there. Also, I still don't get the analogy. The lion tamer IS the guy with the whip and chair... Or am I missing the point?
NUKE
This is a desperate shot in the
dark. You’re embarrassing
yourselves. You know it and I know
it. Amigo.
Some lovely subtle touches, like how he uses the word Amigo there.
44 – calm dialogue is ace.
There is a sickening crunch as Tom’s body merges with an abandoned shopping trolley on the footpath below.
Great description.
83 – ARM MUSCLE = bicep?
120 invading?
Theme of playing it straight/loyalty or taking risks/scamming. Need to put this in the form of a question -- maybe back in the first 5 pages. (or on page 5 if you believe Blake Snyder.)
Add Nuke into the opening story. "Never betray, loyalty. Don’t scam…"
read
Comments About Dominic.Jenkinson 531
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AlCielo on 08/07/2011
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqyPkoFlekc -
bloodmeridian2004 on 05/19/2011
Free will of THE BAD FRIEND posted. -
MattyMustng on 02/25/2011
How are things in your neck of the woods these days? -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 01/14/2011
Thanks for the review it was much appreciated.
The title and log-line are both random and were essentially made up as we posted the screenplay. We have an actual title and a log-line we have been using for for querying and pitching.
Death of a Variety Show Host - [Suspense, Drama]: Exploitation and tragedy take center stage as a live two hour variety show goes off script.
Thanks again for the review. -
scotfire on 01/14/2011
It's got plenty LOL
Just an experiment in the play form - see how it goes down....
Jackie -
olavay on 01/11/2011
Comment deleted by Dominic.Jenkinson -
CrabbyLady on 01/06/2011
Oooohhhhh - now I see. And yes, the policeman at the beginning has been changed to a nurse. And yes, a cop would ask to speak to another representative if the one he's trying to talk to is emotionally 'overloaded'.
Ah - didn't catch the boo-boo - my bad! Yes, it's the HUMANE FACADE.
I checked with the powers that be at TriggerStreet, and they assured me that putting in the production notes NOT to vote for "THM" for any reason is good enough.
Have a good evening! -
CrabbyLady on 01/05/2011
Thanks for the review of "The Humane Facade" and I trust from what you wrote this is your second reading of it - what a trouper if it is!
Just a few things:
"The various ingredients that are required for an engaging screenplay are contained within The Human Facade (A rather less pretentious title than the previous "The Humane Facade.") "
Huh? Don't quite get what you're trying to say here.
You have a strong schizophrenic lead, a visually striking posse of monks (who will juxtaposition nicely against the San Francisco setting.) and deep and meaningful ideas on grief, family and the ability of strangers to heal each others travails.
Thank you - I appreciate that.
"From the previous draft, it's also obvious that a fair amount of clean-up work has been attempted. This makes for a speedier and more pleasurable read. "
THANK YOU. There's a third draft (going through it with a fine tooth comb) but I'm glad to see the cleanup 'shows' in this one.
"Too many times there are events or actions that bear no correlation with how the actual world really works. Whether it is policemen's powers, car exhausts or the speed in which things happen (as portrayed by 1 page to 1 minute.) "
I've volunteered with the homeless in LA for 6 1/2 years. I've witnessed how the cops treat them. How they are portrayed here stays.
"PS - as per request in notes, I'll not rank this as already SOM NOM'd."
Thank you - too many people refuse or don't read the notes and then bitch to me that I had already had this as SOM and so on.....
I appreciate your taking the time to go through this - MUCH appreciated! :) -
Dominic.Jenkinson on 01/03/2011
micmacmoviemaker wrote:Congratulations on the new upload. Looks interesting.
Cheers... Will be interested to see how my first proper American script goes down... -
micmacmoviemaker on 01/03/2011
Congratulations on the new upload. Looks interesting.
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Comments About Dominic.Jenkinson 531
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Quote
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqyPkoFlekc
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Free will of THE BAD FRIEND posted.
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How are things in your neck of the woods these days?
+ more commentsAlCielo on 08/07/2011
bloodmeridian2004 on 05/19/2011
MattyMustng on 02/25/2011