earmight
member since 11/06/2009 |
last login 02/01/2012
I'm a rank beginner. I figured reading a variety of scripts would be a good way to learn so I joined Triggerstreet. I think this site is a great idea. There's a lot of talent out there. Plus, I've discovered my own...
Bio
I'm a rank beginner. I figured reading a variety of scripts would be a good way to learn so I joined Triggerstreet. I think this site is a great idea. There's a lot of talent out there. Plus, I've discovered my own penchant for proofreading.
Submissions by earmight
No submissions (yet)
Reviews by earmight 22
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A review of PAWNby earmight on 02/18/2010Your writing style is pretty good, it flows. But, you have a tendency to overstate things sometimes. For example: "Luke is 31, tall, ruggedly good-looking, with a face that looks like it’s been through the wars." You had me at "ruggedly" and didn't need to say "been through the wars". I like your use of the quick flashbacks, it's very effective for setting a mood... Your writing style is pretty good, it flows. But, you have a tendency to
overstate things sometimes. For example: "Luke is 31, tall, ruggedly
good-looking, with a face that looks like it’s been through the wars." You
had me at "ruggedly" and didn't need to say "been through the wars".
I like your use of the quick flashbacks, it's very effective for setting a
mood.
I'm in the middle of the story now and it's still moving along well.
I'm near the end now and I'm starting to suspect Santana, but you could have
a surprise up your sleeve...
A-ha! I knew you were gonna leave another whammy or two for the end.
Good story. It was a very quick and smooth read.
There's a few spelling/grammatical errors here and there, but I enjoyed it.
However, calling it "Pawn" was a little bit of a give-away. read -
A review of WHISPERSby earmight on 01/18/2010I'm a beginner at this, but I'm good at finding typos and spelling errors, so I'll point those out, I hope that helps. Just a thought: At the start, you have Amina closing the doors on the children and it struck me as odd. Don't people usually leave the doors open, or at least cracked, especially with infants? pg 3 (top) - "She wraps her fingers on the desk." Should it... I'm a beginner at this, but I'm good at finding typos and spelling errors, so I'll point those out, I hope that helps.
Just a thought: At the start, you have Amina closing the doors on the children and it struck me as odd. Don't people usually leave the doors open, or at least cracked, especially with infants?
pg 3 (top) - "She wraps her fingers on the desk." Should it be "wraps" or "raps"?
pg 4 - The phone call between Amina and Deonna: Deonna's part should not be (V.O.) but rather (O.S.), for "Off Screen".
pg 4 - "The lots packed almost full." should be "lot's".
pg 13 - JUSTIN: "I hear your here on scholarship." should be "you're".
pg 22 - "She's slender professional woman..." should be "She's a slender...".
pg 33 - "medium sized" should be hyphenated.
pg 34 - You have "Patricia nods her head." but you meant "Amina nods her head."
pg 44 - "blind folded" should be hyphenated.
pg 45 - AMINA: "I hear voice." should be "voices".
pg 48 - AMINA: "No... something wrong." should be "something's".
pg 54 - DR. WHITTEMORE: "Your mind went to a place to protect its self."should be one word: "itself".
pg 64 - JARED/GARRETT: "I was doing good with it to." should be "too".
pg 64 - "Amina stares at Jared/Garrett. Her eyes wide, mouth open and not blinking." This would be better like this: "Her mouth open, eyes wide and not blinking." Otherwise, it seems like her mouth is normally blinking.
pg 69 - "She bits her lip." should be "bites".
pg 71 - AMINA: "Jared maybe looking at me but..." should be "may be" (two words).
pg 81 (top) - "cross legged" should be hyphenated.
pg 83 - "Staff and Patient's stand around..." should be "Staff and patients...".
pg 101 - DR. WHITTEMORE/WOMAN'S VOICE #1: "As God as my witness..." should be "As God is my witness...".
I REALLY like this ending. The twist with the journal was superb. I live for a movie with a good twist at the end.
I feel like I've 'watched' one of those long movies that was good all the way through. Maybe because I've seen Amina live three separate lives.
I also like your use of repetition in this script. It's very effective.
Hollywood should make this movie! Two thumbs up!
read -
A review of A Constant Variableby earmight on 12/20/2009The different font really stands out. It's too bad they aren't a little more liberal about that. No title page? I'll be pointing out typos as I go because I'm good at spotting them. I hope that helps. pg 3 (bottom) - "...Tayah pulls out a handkerchief and uses it the push the..." should be "...uses it to push the..." pg 4 (bottom) - "...bore you with a philosophical discussion,... The different font really stands out. It's too bad they aren't a little more liberal about that.
No title page?
I'll be pointing out typos as I go because I'm good at spotting them. I hope that helps.
pg 3 (bottom) - "...Tayah pulls out a handkerchief and uses it the push the..." should be "...uses it to push the..."
pg 4 (bottom) - "...bore you with a philosophical discussion, but is basically presents two theories." should be "...but it basically..."
pg 5 (bottom) - You could add another empty line so that JACOB is on the same page as his dialog.
pg 6 - "Einstein said that time is a constant variable." Did he say that? He was a jokester.
pg 7 - "...and picks up glass full of..." should be "...and picks up a glass..."
pg 7 (bottom) - Another dialog gets broken up by a page change. I don't think that's allowed.
pg 8 - "Jacog sits in the drivers seat." should be "...driver's seat."
pg 9 (bottom) - Another end-of-page error. I'll stop pointing those out. They might have happened during a font change or by exporting to pdf.
pg 12 (top) - "him self" should be one word.
pg 14 (bottom) - TAYAH: "Then What?" should be "Then what?"
pg 24 - "Working My Way Back to You". That's a good tell, good choice.
pg 26 (bottom) - Isn't "jovial disdain" an oxymoron?
pg 34 - "Jacob stand at the stove..." should be "Jacob stands..."
pg 39 - I love the way time-travel stories let you play with reality. This is getting good now...
pg 65 - It seems unreasonable that Sarah didn't run to investigate when she heard the two gunshots.
pg 75 (top) - JACOB: "I thought passed out." needs to be fixed.
pg 80 - "...they kiss like two people who have been deprived each other." should be "...deprived of each other."
*I'm missing the Laker's game because I'm having so much trouble pulling myself away from this story.*
pg 98 - "...he has almost a weeks worth whiskers..." should be "...weeks worth of whiskers..." (should "weeks" be "week's"??).
pg 104 (top) - "...with a sarong tied and the waist." should be "...tied at the waist." or "...around the waist."
Final word: I really like this story. Good pacing, good formatting. Other than the few typos, I don't know how I'd improve on it. I'm not sure if I'd have SARAH say "What?" as the last thing, but... read
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Submissions by earmight
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Reviews by earmight 22
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A review of PAWNby earmight on 02/18/2010Your writing style is pretty good, it flows. But, you have a tendency to overstate things sometimes. For example: "Luke is 31, tall, ruggedly good-looking, with a face that looks like it’s been through the wars." You had me at "ruggedly" and didn't need to say "been through the wars". I like your use of the quick flashbacks, it's very effective for setting a mood... Your writing style is pretty good, it flows. But, you have a tendency to
overstate things sometimes. For example: "Luke is 31, tall, ruggedly
good-looking, with a face that looks like it’s been through the wars." You
had me at "ruggedly" and didn't need to say "been through the wars".
I like your use of the quick flashbacks, it's very effective for setting a
mood.
I'm in the middle of the story now and it's still moving along well.
I'm near the end now and I'm starting to suspect Santana, but you could have
a surprise up your sleeve...
A-ha! I knew you were gonna leave another whammy or two for the end.
Good story. It was a very quick and smooth read.
There's a few spelling/grammatical errors here and there, but I enjoyed it.
However, calling it "Pawn" was a little bit of a give-away. read -
A review of WHISPERSby earmight on 01/18/2010I'm a beginner at this, but I'm good at finding typos and spelling errors, so I'll point those out, I hope that helps. Just a thought: At the start, you have Amina closing the doors on the children and it struck me as odd. Don't people usually leave the doors open, or at least cracked, especially with infants? pg 3 (top) - "She wraps her fingers on the desk." Should it... I'm a beginner at this, but I'm good at finding typos and spelling errors, so I'll point those out, I hope that helps.
Just a thought: At the start, you have Amina closing the doors on the children and it struck me as odd. Don't people usually leave the doors open, or at least cracked, especially with infants?
pg 3 (top) - "She wraps her fingers on the desk." Should it be "wraps" or "raps"?
pg 4 - The phone call between Amina and Deonna: Deonna's part should not be (V.O.) but rather (O.S.), for "Off Screen".
pg 4 - "The lots packed almost full." should be "lot's".
pg 13 - JUSTIN: "I hear your here on scholarship." should be "you're".
pg 22 - "She's slender professional woman..." should be "She's a slender...".
pg 33 - "medium sized" should be hyphenated.
pg 34 - You have "Patricia nods her head." but you meant "Amina nods her head."
pg 44 - "blind folded" should be hyphenated.
pg 45 - AMINA: "I hear voice." should be "voices".
pg 48 - AMINA: "No... something wrong." should be "something's".
pg 54 - DR. WHITTEMORE: "Your mind went to a place to protect its self."should be one word: "itself".
pg 64 - JARED/GARRETT: "I was doing good with it to." should be "too".
pg 64 - "Amina stares at Jared/Garrett. Her eyes wide, mouth open and not blinking." This would be better like this: "Her mouth open, eyes wide and not blinking." Otherwise, it seems like her mouth is normally blinking.
pg 69 - "She bits her lip." should be "bites".
pg 71 - AMINA: "Jared maybe looking at me but..." should be "may be" (two words).
pg 81 (top) - "cross legged" should be hyphenated.
pg 83 - "Staff and Patient's stand around..." should be "Staff and patients...".
pg 101 - DR. WHITTEMORE/WOMAN'S VOICE #1: "As God as my witness..." should be "As God is my witness...".
I REALLY like this ending. The twist with the journal was superb. I live for a movie with a good twist at the end.
I feel like I've 'watched' one of those long movies that was good all the way through. Maybe because I've seen Amina live three separate lives.
I also like your use of repetition in this script. It's very effective.
Hollywood should make this movie! Two thumbs up!
read -
A review of A Constant Variableby earmight on 12/20/2009The different font really stands out. It's too bad they aren't a little more liberal about that. No title page? I'll be pointing out typos as I go because I'm good at spotting them. I hope that helps. pg 3 (bottom) - "...Tayah pulls out a handkerchief and uses it the push the..." should be "...uses it to push the..." pg 4 (bottom) - "...bore you with a philosophical discussion,... The different font really stands out. It's too bad they aren't a little more liberal about that.
No title page?
I'll be pointing out typos as I go because I'm good at spotting them. I hope that helps.
pg 3 (bottom) - "...Tayah pulls out a handkerchief and uses it the push the..." should be "...uses it to push the..."
pg 4 (bottom) - "...bore you with a philosophical discussion, but is basically presents two theories." should be "...but it basically..."
pg 5 (bottom) - You could add another empty line so that JACOB is on the same page as his dialog.
pg 6 - "Einstein said that time is a constant variable." Did he say that? He was a jokester.
pg 7 - "...and picks up glass full of..." should be "...and picks up a glass..."
pg 7 (bottom) - Another dialog gets broken up by a page change. I don't think that's allowed.
pg 8 - "Jacog sits in the drivers seat." should be "...driver's seat."
pg 9 (bottom) - Another end-of-page error. I'll stop pointing those out. They might have happened during a font change or by exporting to pdf.
pg 12 (top) - "him self" should be one word.
pg 14 (bottom) - TAYAH: "Then What?" should be "Then what?"
pg 24 - "Working My Way Back to You". That's a good tell, good choice.
pg 26 (bottom) - Isn't "jovial disdain" an oxymoron?
pg 34 - "Jacob stand at the stove..." should be "Jacob stands..."
pg 39 - I love the way time-travel stories let you play with reality. This is getting good now...
pg 65 - It seems unreasonable that Sarah didn't run to investigate when she heard the two gunshots.
pg 75 (top) - JACOB: "I thought passed out." needs to be fixed.
pg 80 - "...they kiss like two people who have been deprived each other." should be "...deprived of each other."
*I'm missing the Laker's game because I'm having so much trouble pulling myself away from this story.*
pg 98 - "...he has almost a weeks worth whiskers..." should be "...weeks worth of whiskers..." (should "weeks" be "week's"??).
pg 104 (top) - "...with a sarong tied and the waist." should be "...tied at the waist." or "...around the waist."
Final word: I really like this story. Good pacing, good formatting. Other than the few typos, I don't know how I'd improve on it. I'm not sure if I'd have SARAH say "What?" as the last thing, but... read -
A review of The Sensational Count Guitarculaby earmight on 12/20/2009I don't believe I've every come across this type of idea before. Clever. pg 10 - You have "EXT. WLRE - DAY" but earlier the radio station was WLER. pg 19 - So far, I'm liking the pace of this. Not a dull moment. pg 22 - "Irene tosses the guitar and a bag in the back." should be "...in the back of the car." pg 22 - "Mike watch Spider warm up the crowd." should be "Mike... I don't believe I've every come across this type of idea before. Clever.
pg 10 - You have "EXT. WLRE - DAY" but earlier the radio station was WLER.
pg 19 - So far, I'm liking the pace of this. Not a dull moment.
pg 22 - "Irene tosses the guitar and a bag in the back." should be "...in the back of the car."
pg 22 - "Mike watch Spider warm up the crowd." should be "Mike watches...".
pg 23 - Now the radio station call letters are "WLER" again.
pg 37 (top) - IRENE: "He's probably leave me." should be either "He's probably gonna leave me." OR "He'll probably leave me."
pg 39 - The DISC JOCKEY calls the radio station WLRR.
pg 64 - "She pick up the burger." should be "...picks up..."
pg 109 - I just flew through the rest of this script, read the whole thing in one sitting. I usually don't do that. Good job! Excellent concept. Very few mistakes/typos.
I really enjoyed it. This would make a fun movie. Good luck! read -
A review of The Boys are Backby earmight on 12/05/2009OK, this looks like an idea I have not heard of before. I'm hoping for the best. I'll be pointing out any typos, making suggestions, and detailing observations along the way: pg 2 - This sentence: "Photos and video of the unknown group continue to flash group and ...". Since the word "group" appears twice closely, it makes the sentence feel awkward. Maybe you could... OK, this looks like an idea I have not heard of before. I'm hoping for the best. I'll be pointing out any typos, making suggestions, and detailing observations along the way:
pg 2 - This sentence: "Photos and video of the unknown group continue
to flash group and ...". Since the word "group" appears twice closely, it makes the sentence feel awkward. Maybe you could break it up into two sentences.
pg 2 - TIMBERLAKE'S line sounds like something he would say.
pg 3 (top) - "love crazed" should be "love-crazed".
pg 5 - The FAT MAN'S food order is hilarious! You super Fagged it. Good one.
pg 6 - "RE-TAR-D BUCKS"!! ha ha, Man! MIKEY asked EARL how he got this place approved -- I think you're gonna have trouble getting this script approved. People are too PC these days. Funny as shit, though.
pg 6 (bottom) - When you have the MENTALLY CHALLENGED EMPLOYEE speak it says "(retarded voice)". That seems retardent -- I mean...redundant.
pg 6 - "macchi-retard-0" I think I'm gonna pee my pants over here.
pg 9 - SAL: "Life is funny. You can stop living it, but it doesn't stop moving.". Good writing.
pg 12 - GRACE: "I can't afford rent and feed us both..." maybe should be "...afford rent and to feed us both...".
pg 13 (top) - Hey, I don't know about that "SHOCKINGLY long and wet open mouth kiss" from grandma. That's kinda shocking. And disgusting. And "open mouth" should be "open-mouthed". But that won't make it any less disgusting.
pg 13 - Dude! I thought that WAS his grandma. You're a sick fuck. Still funny as shit, though.
pg 14 - "rain filled" should be "rain-filled".
pg 16 (near bottom) - MIKEY says "That's it." should be a question "That's it?".
pg 21 - "...where Benny waiting in a booth..." should be "...where Benny is waiting...".
pg 23 (bottom) - "END SLOW MOTION: In total disgust SPEWS the beer ever." should be "...SPEWS the beer everywhere.".
pg 24 (top) - "Johnny goes into a child like fit as he scraps..." should be "...scrapes...".
pg 24 - "Ugly biker quickly reaches for a beer and hand it to him." should be "...hands it to him.".
pg 28 - So far, this scene at the bar is hilarious. Good job!
pg 35 - "No one knows what to say next. Johnny, on the other hand, does. He places a reassuring hand on Johnny's shoulder." Johnny places a hand on his own shoulder?
pg 36 - Davey says "These guys...um..." and the rest of his dialogue is supposed to be descriptive text, not his dialogue.
pg 39 - JANET: "And I love when you take your big black club and pound me like a wet baby seal." wo ha ha -- is no one safe from your offenses. This is perfect for me -- my ex's name is Janet and she turned out to be a real bitch (plus she's a member of PETA, so this would really piss her off). GOOD!
pg 41 - Man, you got the funny dialogs happening between these guys.
pg 43 - Every time BENNY talks I hear the voice of Bender from Futurama.
pg 45 - "Davey raises his hand, no on cares." should be "...no one cares.".
pg 48 - Alright! A good, old-fashioned bar brawl!
pg 49 - "...a Chris Brown beat down." Nice.
pg 50 - BENNY: "Me? I saved us after you choked harder then the..." should be "...than the...".
pg 52 (top) - JANET: "...slow, stop, or even eradicate such a brain disorders." should be "...such brain disorders." or "...such a brain disorder.".
pg 52 - Oh, that commercial is too funny. Good job on that one, too.
pg 55 - "...as vomit splatters into them..." should be "...onto them...".
pg 56 (bottom) - That JOHNNY-getting-his-ass-kicked gag works every time.
pg 57 (near top) - "They look lifeless and from enthusiastic." should be "...far from enthusiastic.".
pg 57 - "Davey simply walk off stage..." should be "...walks off stage...".
pg 59 - DAVEY: "I was a stupid kid who let some one control me." should be "...someone control me.".
pg 60 - ISABELLA: "I feel silly for keeping it all these years, but it work for me." should be "...worked for me.".
pg 61 - This scene between ISABELLA and DAVEY on the balconey is well done.
pg 62 - "...new kids on the block appears on the screen." should be "...New Kids on the Block...".
pg 62 - On MTV, in the music store: "...the story is in a tizzy." I think you meant "...the store...".
pg 63 (bottom) - MTV ANALYST: "And if they you are, come out come out where ever you are!" should be "And if they are..." and 'wherever' is one word.
pg 66 - "DING - the elevator door OPENS and REVEAL our guys..." should be "...REVEALS our guys...".
pg 67 - You used the word "women" a couple of times where you meant "woman".
pg 67 - SAL: "We'll someone has their swagger back." should be "Well someone...".
The whole elevator gag is brilliant, by the way.
pg 69 - "Mikey exits wearing an orange sequence shirt..." did you mean "...an orange sequin shirt..."?
pg 73 (top) - "black mail" is one word.
pg 73 - JANET'S final response is very clever.
pg 73 - MTV FEMALE ANALYST says "Kids on the block" should be "Kids on the Block". Also: "People have claimed to have seen, meet, and touched them, but stranger then that..." change 'meet' to 'met' and 'then' to 'than'.
pg 73 - "CONCERT -- People cheer, women scream, and the entire audience love them." change 'love' to 'loves'.
pg 73 - "The guys look great with there new..." change 'there' to 'their'.
pg 74 (top) - MTV FEMALE ANALYST: "...no on seems to..." should be "no one".
pg 74 - MTV FEMALE ANALYST: "kids on the block" should be "Kids on the Block".
pg 74 - At the END MONTAGE "The last shot show the guys..." should be "shows the guys...".
pg 75 - "...the four go wild, hugging, and jump up and down." should be "...jumping up and down."
pg 75 - They defeated a bunch of little kids at the mall competition!! Now THAT's funny!
BTW, I am really enjoying the -beep- out of this script...
pg 79 - I didn't think of this before, but I've read that Foley parts should be in caps, any sound should be capitalized. For instance, on this page, "And slams the door shut." might be "And SLAMS the door shut." and "His phone rings." might be "His phone RINGS." and "Click." might be "CLICK." However, I'm not sure if that's a necessary convention. Sometimes I see it and sometimes I don't.
pg 81 (near bottom) - I think "pimple faced" should be "pimple-faced" (I should know, I was one). And "back ground" is one word.
pg 82 - "They're so easy they walk around with mattresses on their backs." Good one! I've never heard that before.
pg 83 - Regarding the BUTCH GIRL (14) "...she looks like a women..." should be "woman".
pg 83 - "The same three boys from earlier stand hide behind her." Maybe put a slash between 'stand' and 'hide'.
pg 85 - Johnny's fist gets stuck in her crotch! Oh shit, I'm dyin' laughin' over here.
pg 87 (bottom) - "Benny looks to the cop, his mouth is covered and white powder." should be "...with white powder.".
pg 87 (bottom) - Mentos. Product placement. Nice.
pg 88 - BENNY to the cop: "What is it made of, Vagina?" I'm laughing out loud now. BTW, I love vagina as much as the next guy but I don't think it has to be capitalized.
pg 89 - Good gags with the mug shots.
pg 94 - "T.V camera roll and ..." should be "T.V. cameras roll and ..."
pg 94 - "ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT stops our four for a interview." should be "...an interview.".
pg 95 - "Everyone turns to see a crazy old women..." should be "...crazy old woman...".
pg 96 - "Isabella makes last minute adjustment..." should be "...adjustments...".
pg 97 - NICK LAWSON: "Good luck and knock'em dead." should be "...knock 'em dead."
pg 100 - "Brewster runs after the stagehand, and Janet sends anther..." should be "...another..."
pg 101 - "Janet stands over the sprawled out and spread eagle Benny." should be "...spread-eagled Benny.".
pg 101 - "The Johnny, Benny, and Mikey get up and..." get rid of "The".
pg 103 - "A laser show of color full lights shoot every where." should be 'colorful' and 'everywhere'.
pg 103 - "The curtains raise and out walks out four guys." should be "...our four guys." Not sure if it should be 'rise' or 'raise', I think they're both correct.
pg 104 - "Everything they have worked has finally arrived." should be "...have worked for has finally...".
pg 106 - MTV ANALYST: "...but the Turkey Leg scandal takes tops them both." get rid of "takes".
pg 106 - You forgot to put "END MEDIA MONTAGE".
pg 107 - "...on the set of The West-side story." should be "...The West Side Story." I think.
pg 107 - JIM FORBES (V.O.) (CONT'D): "...as well as many others Broadway hits such Cats." should be "...as well as many other Broadway hits such as Cats."
pg 108 - JIM FORBES (CONT'D): "...went on to sell over a ten thousand copies..." should be "...over ten thousand...".
pg 108 - "I once was an Asian Whore in Asia" ha ha ha ha, it's the 'in Asia' part that gets me.
AWESOME!!!
I don't know how you did it -- how you put so much funny shit together and got it to flow like this. You must've been working on this one for a long time. I've read some pretty funny scripts, but NEVER one as funny as this. Your script is non-stop hilarity. If they don't make this movie, they're jackasses. I truly believe this movie could go down as one of those all-time great comedies that people keep watching and renting over and over again. And there's not too many topical references, so it'll stand the test of time, too.
If there's any way I can be of service, just say the word, I'd be honored to help.
Thanks,
earmight read -
A review of Wake Up, Maggie (SCSS)by earmight on 12/04/2009Good. I'm in a mood for another romantic comedy. I've had pretty good success and fun reading those so far. I'll be pointing out observations and typos as I go along: pg 3 - Already I can tell that you know what you're doing as far as scriptwriting goes. Good style. pg 8 - Usually, by this time, I've pointed out a handful of typos, sometimes dozens. You're doing great!... Good. I'm in a mood for another romantic comedy. I've had pretty good success and fun reading those so far.
I'll be pointing out observations and typos as I go along:
pg 3 - Already I can tell that you know what you're doing as far as scriptwriting goes. Good style.
pg 8 - Usually, by this time, I've pointed out a handful of typos, sometimes dozens. You're doing great! I'm intrigued by the story so far.
pg 21 - MAGGIE says "Good." I say 'good' to you. I still haven't found a single typo or formatting error in your script!
pg 27 - I used to live with a girlfriend who had rats and she was equally as militant with them as MAGGIE is with the dogs. You're right on the money with her character.
pg 29 (top) - I'm not sure if this is a typo: "He supports her with one arm and pulls a chair over the other..." should be "...pulls a chair over with the other..."??
pg 34 - "Gerry and Maggie sit in a wheelchairs." should be "...sit in wheelchairs."
pg 35 - GERRY: "I'm gobsmacked." I don't know if you meant "godsmacked".
BTW, can dogs really do this kind of stuff?
pg 36 - "Maggie smiles holds up the shoes." should be "Maggie smiles and..." or "Maggie smiles holding..."
pg 40 (bottom) - "Gerry looks incredulous." I'm not sure if that should be "incredulously".
pg 43 - Newletter titled "The Latest Poop", nice touch!
pg 67 - MAGGIE: "You can't do anything, that wrong." seems a little awkward. How about italicizing "that" instead (sans the comma).
pg 81 - GERRY: "Aren't you even say good-bye?" should be "...going to say good-bye?"
pg 84 (middle) - one picky point: you used the phrase "raised dais". That might be redundant.
pg 87 - I like the way you used "Wldn" to have MAGGIE mumble "Welding". Clever.
pg 87 - "Lucy crosses her arms across her chest." seems redundant. Maybe just "Lucy crosses her arms".
pg 89 - I gotta say again, I'm really enjoying this script. It's definitely among the very best I've read at Triggerstreet. I'm pouring through the whole thing in one day, which I usually don't do.
pg 90 (bottom) - It's clever the way you had the sun's reflection off the RV shine the way for MAGGIE'S next move.
pg 97 - MAGGIE: "New dogs never fit in at first." What can I say? This and the following line are truly great writing! You made me remember my little troublemaker. It took a long time for her to behave (or maybe I just learned to appreciate her mischief).
Final words: Fantastic! I love this script! You did such an excellent job with it. I was reading over my observations/corrections and they're almost all positive. That never happens. You're good, you. read -
A review of The Clean Glassby earmight on 12/03/2009The synopsis intrigued me, but I don't have any solid idea of where this script will be going. Usually, that's a good thing. I'll be making observations and pointing out typos (if any) along the way. pg 1 - I'm hooked already because THOM sounds like me. pg 1 - The 2nd time THOM speaks is it still a V.O.? pg 1 - "Who the fuck what's that?" should probably be "Who the fuck?... The synopsis intrigued me, but I don't have any solid idea of where this script will be going. Usually, that's a good thing. I'll be making observations and pointing out typos (if any) along the way.
pg 1 - I'm hooked already because THOM sounds like me.
pg 1 - The 2nd time THOM speaks is it still a V.O.?
pg 1 - "Who the fuck what's that?" should probably be "Who the fuck? What's that?" or "Who the fuck -- what's that?". BTW, why did he say/think that?
pg 1 (bottom) - "miss matched" should be "miss-matched".
pg 3 - Good V.O. I'm having an especially easy time identifying with THOM as he sounds just like me 30 years ago.
pg 5 - "...may be speaking to highly..." should be "...too highly...".
pg 6 - NATHAN: "That's not the point" needs a period for punctuation.
pg 9 - THOM: "Oh come on you fucktard, turn is off!" should be "...turn it off!".
pg 17 (top) - "The three other look at him..." should be "The three others...".
pg 28 - PAVEL: "I think she's very excited about our anniversary tomorrow." but on the previous page PAVEL said their anniversary was in two days.
pg 31 - "Eloquent in slur." I like that!! In fact, I think I've done that.
pg 35 - "Pavel laughs to himself" needs a period.
pg 37 - I haven't been pointing out a recurring grammatical error dealing with the 's. In THOM's V.O. he says "In fact, its ignorant." which should be "In fact, it's ignorant." Because "it's" means "it is". BTW, what are "dirty onezies"?
pg 39 (just before the FADE OUT) - "...bright lighting bolt." should be "...bright lightning bolt."
pg 43 - "...Pavel almost smashing a kids skull in." This is the other form of 's. It should be "...a kid's skull in." to show possession.
pg 47 (bottom) - "She drives along to a removed location. Call it what you will. The outskirts, boondocks." It would be better to just say "She drives along to a remote location." and leave it at that.
pg 48 (top) - There's alot in the descriptives here that shouldn't be. You're only supposed to describe what the movie audience will see.
pg 48 (near bottom) - "THOM stands at the toilet with is head tilted back." should be "...his head tilted back." BTW, him taking a piss has nothing to do with your story. You should get rid of this scene, it's short and says nothing.
pg 50 (near bottom) - NATHAN: "Not to comfortable with the birds and the bees..." should be "Not too..."
pg 55 - This descriptive is a good example of what you should change: "Thom struggles to open up the bag. Who knows why they have to practically childproof food." You should leave the 1st sentence, but the 2nd sentence should not be in the descriptive because it's not something the movie audience SEES. You could, however, have Thom say the 2nd sentence and get the same result.
pg 57 - "...the stapler goes of into his hand." should be "...off into his hand."
pg 60 (top) - NATHAN: "...is this what your happy with?" should be "...what you're happy with?"
pg 60 - THOM: "Is that what your too old for?" should be "...what you're too old for?"
pg 61 (top) - NATHAN: "The kind of woman whose perpetually..." should be "...who's perpetually...", meaning 'who is'.
pg 63 (near bottom) - THOM (V.O.): "To Destroy something beautiful..." uncapitalize 'destroy'.
pg 69 (near bottom) - "Daniels is has finished looking..." choose between 'is' or 'has'.
pg 70 - OFFICER DANIELS: "Look, it's Just a suggestion..." uncapitalize 'just'.
pg 70 - "Thom shakes his scratches his head." needs fixin'.
pg 72 - "It's the way the law works, no one will be punished if there's no one to blame." This should not be in a descriptive at all. Only describe what the movie audience can see.
pg 73 - OFFICER REID: "My daughters bike was stolen..." should be "...daughter's...".
pg 81 (near bottom) - "Pavel exits Bargain Bellies leaving Nathan to lay alone and gone." the 'and gone' doesn't make any sense.
pg 83 - "...he may have crossed a line with Ellen by speaking to harshly." should be "...too harshly.".
pg 85 - It's unrealistic to have one officer just stand outside smoking a cigarette while his partner enters a dark, possibly dangerous area.
You know, I really like this whole ending sequence. It's a well thought out tangled web. Thom is gonna get railroaded pretty good. This is gritty, this is real. This is a true tragedy. There's not enought tragedies in the movies. With a little bit of tweeking you'll have yourself an awesome piece of work here. Keep at it! read -
by earmight on 11/21/2009I'm going into this one expecting a good script because I love this kind of sci-fi story. One observation right off the bat: I see five exclamation points on in the descriptives pg 2 alone. I think that's excessive. A very good death scene on pg 4. Well-written, good job. pg 13 - The 2nd descriptive has CHOLTITZ'S name misspelled. pg 31 - I gotta hand it to you. By this... I'm going into this one expecting a good script because I love this kind of sci-fi story.
One observation right off the bat: I see five exclamation points on in the descriptives pg 2 alone. I think that's excessive.
A very good death scene on pg 4. Well-written, good job.
pg 13 - The 2nd descriptive has CHOLTITZ'S name misspelled.
pg 31 - I gotta hand it to you. By this time, I've usually found loads of typos. So far, I've only found the one. And a damn good story, too.
pg 32 (near bottom) - VICTORIA says: "Maybe he thought it'd be safer if he left buried it out her in the sand." Switch the words "buried" and "it".
pg 41 (center) - LOGAN says: "Been to Germany before, Ms. Ellison?" I don't think the title "Ms." had been thought of yet, I think that began in the 1960's. Probably should be "Miss".
pg 46 (center) - FRIBERG speaks to his men, it should say "(In German w/ subtitles)".
pg 47 - Just an observation: It seems like it was a little too easy for BARNES to get FRIBERG to send them to Lehrter Strasse. It might be a good chance for FRIBERG to describe the horror of Lehrter Strasse in some gruesome detail. This could also serve to get the audience to feel fear for the safety of BARNES and the men.
pg 55 (bottom) - "He drives off the road and smashes into a parking car!" Should be "a parked car." (I'd leave off the exclamation point.)
pg 56 - "I have to take a shit. Where is the bathroom?" I laughed out loud picturing that one on the big screen. Great gag!
pg 64 - A space is missing between the ampersand and the "D" in "R &D".
pg 64 (center) - "Victoria onto the first section of metal grate staircases." Should be "Victoria runs onto..." or "walks onto...".
pg 67 - "Two Steamers spot Jester. They open fire on them." I think it would be clearer to say "They open fire on him."
pg 67 - I don't think you should have Hawkeye kill the Steamers so easily. They seemed menacing enough to cause some problems for our heroes to overcome. Perhaps, Hawkeye could manage to kill almost all of them, but the last one or two put up a difficult fight. It just seems a shame to waste a good "evil super-soldier" opportunity.
pg 72 - I see you DID leave some Steamers alive. Very good!
pg 72 - By refering to the tank as a "confiscated" Panther you lose a brief moment of suspense.
pg 72 - JESTER says "I shoulda stood in bed today." Did you mean "...stayed in bed..."?
pg 72 - Perhaps there is a better way to distinguish the German Panther from the confiscated Panther. I was under the impression that one of the heroes died in the tank explosion.
pg 80 (center) - "Avoiding bullets...become more than..." Should be "becomes", I think.
pg 83 - CHANG refers to "Ms. Ellison" -- again, I think the title "Ms." wasn't created until the 1960's as part of the bra-burning feminist movement.
pg 85 - JESTER: "Why we gotta come in through the ass end of every place that we visit." DOC: "In my experience, Jester, people never protect their own asses as well as they should." This is GREAT writing!!!! It's not only funny as hell, but great social commentary as well. Man! I wish I'd thought of it.
pg 90 (top) - OK, now I'm on the edge of my friggin' seat over here.
pg 90 - "...re-killing three of the four zombies." Good one!
pg 94 (bottom) - How about if BARNES called him Kah-ka (without the 'r')?
pg 101 - "A loud, overpowering din echoes through out..." should be "...throughout..." one word, or just plain "...through...".
pg 110 - "...the greatest kiss in the history of cinema." And a great script as well.
I just poured through the last 20/30 pages at a furious pace. Man, this is one cool-ass script! This movie would be great fun, start to finish, with no dull spots. You have it all.
In short: If Hollywood doesn't make this movie, then Hollywood is a big, fat, stupid, poopy-caca-face. If they do it right, with the right cast, it's a sure money-maker.
You're awesome. Do you have more? read -
A review of UNUSUAL CIRCUMSTANCESby earmight on 11/17/2009On page 1 I can already tell this is gonna be a well-written script. Good style, you keep the descriptives short and to the point. Some ticky-tac punctuation observations and other thoughts: On pg 4: This sentence: "A red ticket dispenser hangs on the wall near the first service window a sign over it reads: ..." seems like two sentences run together. pg 4 (bottom): "Rachel... On page 1 I can already tell this is gonna be a well-written script. Good style, you keep the descriptives short and to the point.
Some ticky-tac punctuation observations and other thoughts:
On pg 4: This sentence: "A red ticket dispenser hangs on the wall near the first service window a sign over it reads: ..." seems like two sentences run together.
pg 4 (bottom): "Rachel glances to her side she notices the woman's stare." could also be two sentences, or at least, a comma after "her side"?
pg 8 (near bottom) - "Two bar stool are pushed up to the counter." Should be plural - "stools".
pg 9 (near top) - "Cause mommies broke." needs an apostrophe? (and maybe capitalization?) - "... Mommy's broke." I'm not completely sure.
pg 28 - My heart is starting to pump faster. I'm feeling afraid for Morgan, especially after the call from Pete.
pg 36 (near bottom) - "Chrysler Cirrus sits in the spot closes to motel room door." should be "...closest to the..."
pg 40 - "Rachel approaches the attract Man." should be "... attractive ...".
pg 42 - VINCE says "Wait. Wait. Wait. I need a pin." should be "... pen ...".
pg 43 - VINCE says "Where ever you want." should be "Wherever...".
pg 46 - "Morgan hopes down from the car." should be "Morgan hops...".
pg 46 - "Peoria Arizona. Bright sunny winter day. Blue skies and wispy clouds in the ski." 3 possible corrections: 1. "Peoria, Arizona." (comma) 2. "...sunny winter's day." ('s) 3. "...clouds in the sky." (sky).
pg 47 - "Detective Horwitz takes a pin and notebook..." should be "pen and notebook...".
pg 47 - "...many short comings or issues." I thing "shortcomings" is one word.
pg 47 (bottom) - "...filing for guardianship if I don't here from her soon." should be "...hear from her soon." (hear).
pg 51 - "I'm gonna sit her for a minute you can go back in." should be "I'm gonna sit here for a minute, you can go back in." (here).
pg 51 - "I don't want somebody to kidnap or something." should be "...kidnap you...".
pg ?? - Derrick's an asshole.
pg 54 - HOSTESS: "Your serve will be right with you." should be "Your server..."
pg 60 - "He wouldn't purpose..." should be "He wouldn't propose..."
pg 60 - RACHEL responds "If that true..." should be "If that's true..." ('s)
pg 61 - "Vincent said he use to hike here..." should be "...used to hike her..." (used)
pg 61 - "All the officers sit and complain gossip and..." should be "...complain, gossip and..." (comma).
pg 63 - Vince IS a detective! Nice reveal. I was a little suspicious of him, but I thought he might be a bank robber too.
pg 71 - "He takes out a pin and pad of paper." should be "...pen and pad..." (pen)
pg 82 - "...and sirens fills the air." might be "...and sirens fill the air." (fill).
pg 86 - "VINCE (MOS) I L-O-V-E Y-O-U" I don't know what "(MOS)" means, but hyphenating words like this means he's spelling it out loud. That doesn't seem to make sense to me.
pg 86 (bottom) - "Officers walk in and out, hype from the day's events." should be "...hyped from the day's events." (hyped).
pg 87 - SHERIFF O'NEAL: "You're the hero of the day you don't need to knock have a seat." should be broken up into 2 or 3 sentences.
pg 88 - VINCE: "This jobs not for me." should be "job's" I think.
pg 91 - RACHEL: "Nobody, will. I use to love him." should be "Nobody will. I used to love him."
pg 91 - There was no indication that this scene was a flashback (other than the circumstance).
pg 92 - CHIEF MILLER: "We're all possible suspect interviewed." I don't understand this line.
pg 94 - "Emilio read the letter. He walks in side." should be "inside", one word.
pg 99 - "Rachel...points to a set of metal stares..." should be "stairs"
pg 100 - "...into the arms of their mother's." should be "...Mothers." no apostrophe. Not sure about the capitalization, though.
I hope these corrections aren't too annoying. I've always been anal about typos.
All in all, a very entertaining script. I really liked the ending. Without that extra twist it would be written off as another "Thelma and Louise".
Good work! read -
A review of High Waterby earmight on 11/09/2009This has a lot of good humor in it -- funny stuff. The dialog is very good. Seems like a lot of descriptive text for a movie script, though. On the other hand, you're not that far from making it into a novel. As far as typos: pg 1,2 - I think the RADIO D.J. should have "(O.S.)" or "(V.O.)" attached to it. pg 5 - Missing a "(cont'd)" as MR. CUSTER speaks again. pg 7 - Is... This has a lot of good humor in it -- funny stuff. The dialog is very good.
Seems like a lot of descriptive text for a movie script, though. On the other hand, you're not that far from making it into a novel.
As far as typos:
pg 1,2 - I think the RADIO D.J. should have "(O.S.)" or "(V.O.)" attached to it.
pg 5 - Missing a "(cont'd)" as MR. CUSTER speaks again.
pg 7 - Is Playboy and Jon the same person? If you're introducing so many characters you can't give multiple names to them, it's too confusing.
NOTE: I'm on pg 16 already and I realized that there still is no focal character. I don't know who I'm supposed to be identifying with.
pg 24 - SMILEY's dialog is misssing a "(cont'd)".
pg 27 - I've never heard of Nalgene, maybe you could use a more common product (or explain what it is).
pg 27 - Instead of saying "The boys freeze." I think it should be a "FREEZE FRAME".
pg 30 - Missing a "(cont'd)" and "(MORE)" on PLAYBOY's dialog (bottom of page).
pg 31 - Missing a "(cont'd)" on PLAYBOY's dialog (top of page).
pg 31 - "...Mennonite bombshells just parting the seas of crowd." is an awkward sentence. How about "...Mennonite bombshells parting the sea of people."?
pg 62 - (bottom) THE ROOKIE's dialog should have "(MORE)" to let the actor know.
pg 63 - (top) THE ROOKIE's dialog needs a "(cont'd)" tag and it's missing his name.
pg 68 - RICK says "Sorry. I kinda though that's why we were out here." Should be "Sorry. I kinda thought...". (missing the "t" on "thought").
pg 71 - (near top) THE ROOKIE continues to speak, needs "(cont'd)".
pg 75 - PLINKO speaks twice, needs "(cont'd)".
pg 77 - (top) THE ROOKIE's dialog needs a "(cont'd)" tag and it's missing his name and "(MORE)".
pg 78 - (top) THE ROOKIE's dialog should say "THE ROOKIE (cont'd)".
pg 83 - (near top) THE ROOKIE's dialog missing the "(cont'd)".
pg 93 - THE ROOKIE's dialog missing the "(cont'd)" three times.
pg 94 - (bottom) "...sees dam explode." should be "...sees the dam explode."
I like catching typos, so I hope that helps.
I'm new to scriptwriting. I've only read a couple of books on it and about a half a dozen scripts, but I get the impression that the industry doesn't want to see a lot of descriptive text. It seems like they want the scripts to be open enough to let the director use his vision freely.
All in all, this script has a LOT of funny dialog and situations in it. I mean it. I really liked this script. I was sorry to see it end, but I guess that's a good thing.
I feel if you pare down the amount of descriptive text, you got a real winner here. Good work! read
Comments About earmight 14
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emelindab on 11/30/2010
Thank you so much for taking the time to review Americana!!!
I appreciate your sharp eye finding all those typos *blushes* Spell
check ain't got nothing on you! You echo the same sentiments as a
good friend of mine. He says my, "Broadcast News" ending, just ain't
cutting it!
I have lots of work to do!!!
Thanks a million!
emelindab -
Christopher O'Rourke on 11/23/2010
Hi earmight-
Thanks very much for reading "Out of the Badlands" and giving me your thoughts. I'm currently giving it a rewrite to address the excess descriptive passages, as several people have pointed this out to me.
I appreciated your insight.
-Chris -
swantonjohn on 12/18/2009
Thanks for taking the time to read and review Out of Line! -
moejoe_dreams on 12/09/2009
I'll take you up on that offer, that would be great if you could help me with the typos and grammer, because I suck... how would you like it sent? I could go over the whole thing fifty times and I swear it would actually get worse. -
moejoe_dreams on 12/05/2009
Thank you for the review of The boys are back, and I'm happy that you liked it. I know that there are tons of errors, but I'm no be to be good at that gramter thing... just kidding, but I am bad and spell check doesn't catch everything, but thank you for the notes and the time you took to review it. It was a very glowing review and I really needed to hear some positive, because I've been starting to doubt myself and my skills feeling more like a wanna-be then a could-be... and as far as help, I take anything... word of mouth, a reference, some one you know, my problem is I have tons of ideas and grand dreams but unless you count my kids teachers as connections to hollywood I am shit out of luck. I can use all the help in the world. and the review is a good start, thank you and I'm happy you enjoyed it! -
Garrettmoe.usa on 12/05/2009
yeah, triggerstreet doesn't do the e-mail address thing. I think it's for privacy issues. So where you responded was fine. And thanks for answering the questions... i think it's more effective to have a little dialogue about a review than just a one shot deal. -
agilitygsd on 12/04/2009
Thank you for your notes on Wake-up, Maggie.
I especially appreciate you pointing out the things which you liked. When rewriting, I all too often focus on what people have pointed out that doesn't work, that I might overlook or change those things which do - so it is helpful to know the things that make a positive impression as well.
And, to answer your question - Yes, dogs really can do all that stuff!
All the best -
-Kele -
Garrettmoe.usa on 12/03/2009
Just wanted to say thank you for the read and review. To answer your most pressing question, "what is a dirty onezie". It made me laugh when I read that. Think of pajamas for kids. A one piece body length garb. I've always called it and referred to it as a onezie.
Aside from that, yeah there are a lot of grammatical, punctuational, and spelling errors. I'm going through and reworking that aspect for sure. Also, the V.O. are going to be cut back and toned down. The descriptions I used, those that cannot be filmed, are being corrected as well. There is far too much of it and i've heard this problem from many people. But again, I very much appreciate all the insights and constructive criticism.
Now, I don't do this with many reviews I read but I have a couple questions for you. Did the idea of it being a tragedy come in clear or was it something you thought of after reading completely? I've heard others describe it as a dark comedy, a thriller, a regular drama, a suspense movie, a gritty idea... Tragedy is a new one, however, i've thought myself that a tragedy helps the idea it's a drama.
Also, did you find an unbelievable premise in the idea that Ellen falls for Thom? I've heard this before and you didn't touch on it, but I've reworked some things in my head to make it apparent. Such as adding some backstory to her love. At least, a reason anyway.
But yeah, if you can answer these for me, it would be helpful. Just want to see what you thought of those particular aspects.
Again, Thanks for the read and I'm glad you enjoyed it. -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/01/2009
You found three typos others missed! Very impressive! Take a Spelling Bee out of petty cash. By the by, my Massachusetts accent is responsible for 'drawer' becoming 'draw' and 'in' becoming 'and' (arm and arm). Proof I'm hooked on phonics. -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 11/30/2009
My goodness! If only my screenwriting software had you built in as a spellchecker. Others with your skill have already caught many, but I'll soon get back to you on any that you caught which they missed. Until then, thank you!
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Comments About earmight 14
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Thank you so much for taking the time to review Americana!!!
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Hi earmight-
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Thanks for taking the time to read and review Out of Line!
+ more commentsemelindab on 11/30/2010
I appreciate your sharp eye finding all those typos *blushes* Spell
check ain't got nothing on you! You echo the same sentiments as a
good friend of mine. He says my, "Broadcast News" ending, just ain't
cutting it!
I have lots of work to do!!!
Thanks a million!
emelindab
Christopher O'Rourke on 11/23/2010
Thanks very much for reading "Out of the Badlands" and giving me your thoughts. I'm currently giving it a rewrite to address the excess descriptive passages, as several people have pointed this out to me.
I appreciated your insight.
-Chris
swantonjohn on 12/18/2009