endangeredfilms

A review of HAWAIIANSTEIN

by endangeredfilms on 01/16/2012

It seems like the writer intends to create his own take on an Elmore Leonard novel. I enjoy that style, and I'm always interested in a modern take on the ultimate noir hero from The Maltese Falcon to Chinatown to The Big Lebowski, the wisecracking and down on his luck Private Eye. My big note is that Sonny is just not there. I would never say, "make him more likeable," because... read

Ambitious, but overly busy

A review of The Louisiana Escapade (rev)

by endangeredfilms on 12/13/2011

It is evident that a great deal of care and revision has gone into this draft. The structure is pretty tight. Each scene drives the story forward. All of the rules of proper screenplay "structure" appear to be dutifully followed. The set-up is cute, easy to pitch, and nicely foreshadows a wacky, offbeat comedy-adventure. Yet somewhere about halfway through, perhaps around the... read

Skidrow to...

A review of #2 SKIDROW TO HOLLYWOOD

by endangeredfilms on 09/15/2009

It's clear a great deal of work went into this, as the lengthy novel-like descriptions can attest to. My big notes are that it is simply very BUSY. Lots and lots of characters, some speaking in strange dialects (which makes it hard to tell where the typos end and the dialects begin). I know it's a comedy, but I didn't laugh. The humor is not evident on the pages. That could... read

Got potential

A review of Ninja Relocated

by endangeredfilms on 09/08/2009

While it's clear that this is a first draft, and it's riddled with a distracting amount of typos and format errors, "Ninja Relocated" does have some genuine comedy sprinkled through it's pages. The scene in the Japanese Dojo Boardroom in the early pages, where the "Suit" has his neck snapped after giving a presentation on ninja efficiency is a great gig. I found myself wishing... read

Highly Derivative and Unfocused

A review of WhoShotWho (old Vers)

by endangeredfilms on 07/13/2009

Let me preface by writing that I hope you don't take it personally, but rather constructively, that there was little I enjoyed about this script, and that it was very difficult to get through. There are an overwhelming amount of characters, each of whom seem to be screaming at the top of their lungs at all times. When the characters are not using gratuitous swear words, they're... read

Sentimental ensemble piece

A review of table for one

by endangeredfilms on 07/07/2009

This story of four lonely men is actually one story, told in four parts, and interrupted at each turn by snarky conversations between two women who speak exactly the same. All the characters whose lives the reader is expected to be intimately involved with come and go from this script so quickly, and usually leaving such a bad taste that it's difficult to care for any of them... read

Smart Action Script

A review of MIND: CONTROL

by endangeredfilms on 07/02/2009

Mind: Control is intelligent without being too wordy or overbearing in its exposition. It's refreshing to see a strong-willed female heroine (ELENA) who doesn't fit into previous prototypes (Sigourney Weaver, Angelina Jolie). I can't say I can think of an actress off the top of my head who would be a good fit to play her, but this is definitely the kind of role a young, up... Mind: Control is intelligent without being too wordy or overbearing in its exposition. It's refreshing to see a strong-willed female heroine (ELENA) who doesn't fit into previous prototypes (Sigourney Weaver, Angelina Jolie). I can't say I can think of an actress off the top of my head who would be a good fit to play her, but this is definitely the kind of role a young, up and coming Latina actress would jump at the chance to play.

I have issues with the title. The use of colons in the title is confusing, aesthetically unpleasing, and conjures up images of corny comic book movie adaptations. Might I suggest "Silver Spiral" as a more mysterious, intriguing title that takes an important visual cue from the film, rather than recycling a line of dialogue.

The writer has done a great job keeping the script free of typos, however, there are many places where a character is addressed in a line of dialogue without proper punctuation. For instance, the line "Are you happy Justin" should have a comma after the word happy. This occurs in innumerable spots throughout the script. I'm no grammar nazi, but it is the correct way to write out the words, and also helps the reader imagine the dialogue spoken.

A frequently used description for a character's demeanor is "cold." As in "A cold, hard Justin walks in..." Time to bust out the thesaurus. The same goes for the word "psyches" or "psyched." Also the misspelled word "multistorey" appears several times.

One major note: while the characters are fleshed out pretty well fore an action movie, their motivations are often unclear, especially in areas where the pages are filled with rat-a-tat action. Quinn raped Elena, then apparently ruined her life and reputation. That's a BIG hurdle to overcome, even in the face of "The Clan." Tough sell. Maybe work on making her motivation clearer.

Also, and I'm sure the writer has heard this, there is more than a liberal dose of "The Matrix" in the entire concept and execution of this script. Careful, careful...

All in all, a solidly-written action picture with potential. read

Vortex: Intelligent, action-packed, but a little "busy"

A review of Vortex

by endangeredfilms on 07/01/2009

First off, let me state I've never attempted to write anything that could be classified as "action," "sci-fi," or "apocalyptic." "Vortex" has strong elements of all these genres, and the writer expresses is able to pull off punchy, action-packed sequences peppered with intelligent-sounding dialogue. Kudos for tackling such difficult material, while making a deliberate attempt... read

Not too many strengths

A review of Old Man Strength

by endangeredfilms on 06/30/2009

"Old Man Strength" begins with a cliche: CHETT, a middle-aged athletic guy, comes home to find his wife shagging a young stud. He proceeds to leave her with no difficulty, move in with his absent stepson's college-aged friends (here, we're already stretching credulity), then proceeds to take the completely unmotivated abuse of narcissistic PJ, while romancing the lovely female... "Old Man Strength" begins with a cliche: CHETT, a middle-aged athletic guy, comes home to find his wife shagging a young stud. He proceeds to leave her with no difficulty, move in with his absent stepson's college-aged friends (here, we're already stretching credulity), then proceeds to take the completely unmotivated abuse of narcissistic PJ, while romancing the lovely female neighbor ELENA.

The rest of the roommates have subplots that are never really plotted, just kind of thrown in with the rest of the dialogue, and subjects such as bisexuality and homophobia are bandied about but never seriously explored.

There are typos, errors in punctuation, and awkward transitions throughout. Tin-eared dialogue such as pg.49's "Don't piss off someone who just went out to buy a razor and has the razor in their hand" and "You're compensating with having a bad relationship with your Dad with this old fuck" are pretty typical. I'd recommend reading your script out loud, in order to fine-tune the dialogue and avoid instances such as these.

There is nothing resembling a 3-Act structure or even a coherent character arc in this script. While reading the scene in the hospital, I kept wondering to myself, what could possibly happen next? And the big climax is...Chett slaps PJ. Not only is that moment about 45 pages too late, it's not enough of a payoff.

NOTES:

Chett is still energetic and athletic, why is his wife all over younger men?

What is the point of the Kent character not being there? Why do he and Chett exchange a "five"? He's only been with his mother for five years, it's not clear why they're close.

What does he prove to himself by leaving his cradle-robbing wife and moving in with kids and dating one?

What changes about Chett, Elena or PJ? Do they learn anything?

When Elena lies to her parents about Chett's existence, she says she doesn't want to introduce him to her parents until she's sure he's the one. But she's already told him she wants to have kids with him.

Dale and Benny sound exactly the same when they speak.

PJ is so irredeemable, miserable, unfunny, vicious and hateful that it's not plausible that ANYONE would put up with him for this long. read

Decent conept, weak dialogue/characters

A review of Unconditional

by endangeredfilms on 06/20/2009

"Unconditional" strives to be a May-December romantic comedy with a heart and a social conscience. After some early action and tension concerning an attack on GERRY, a shy but brilliant young British movie star by a deranged female fan, the film's energy wanes. After Gerry skips town and assumes an unconvincing identity, he lands in rural Georgia and gets a job working for... "Unconditional" strives to be a May-December romantic comedy with a heart and a social conscience. After some early action and tension concerning an attack on GERRY, a shy but brilliant young British movie star by a deranged female fan, the film's energy wanes.

After Gerry skips town and assumes an unconvincing identity, he lands in rural Georgia and gets a job working for (and living with) MAGGIE, an attractive woman in her 40s. She trains dogs who assist stroke victims, and though she is connected to the internet, has no idea who this guy, a huge movie star is.

Far too much time is spent with Maggie talking to both her best friend and to Gerry about how attracted she is to Gerry, but couldn't possibly act on it due to the age difference. The fact is, it's just not that big a deal, and repeating it ad nauseum is both irrelevant and a drag.

The love story between Gerry and Maggie has no tension or confict other than the age difference. They never even have so much as an argument or a playful rivalry. Gerry's just wonderful and adores Maggie from the get-go, and she thinks he's just great but too young. That's not interesting enough.

There is no other way to say it: the dialogue is poor. After Gerry plays a classical tune on a piano then segues into Bob Seger, Maggie exclaims, "From Back to rock!" That's just not a good line, and too much of the dialogue has a similar, forced feel to it.

On a technical note: The script is riddled with typos, for instance, the word "used," as in "I used to think that" is misspelled "use" several times. There are awkward spaces and improper punctuation in too many places to count. I know it's not the biggest deal in the world compared to story, structure, and characters, but when they occur in this abundance it's distracting.

The concept of a movie star fleeing to the country and hooking up with a quirky rural lifestyle is familiar, but the twist of the "helper dogs" is a new one. The script has potential, but needs an honest fleshing out of the characters and dialogue. Anything redundant can go, which will allow for the opportunity to add scenes that up the stakes for Gerry and Maggie's romance. read

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heat_wave187 on 01/16/2012