An Ohio State cheerleader must learn that love conquers all when she falls for a Michigan football player.
filmwriter karyn
member since 10/28/2004 |
last login 03/18/2013
I've been writing since I was ten, and attempted writing a screenplay for the first time in 1998. I completely fell in love with it and have been trying to learn the craft since. In 2002 I was asked to write a...
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Bio
I've been writing since I was ten, and attempted writing a screenplay for the first time in 1998. I completely fell in love with it and have been trying to learn the craft since. In 2002 I was asked to write a short, educational book geared towards high school students about color guard technique, and it was published in 2003. It's available on Amazon, I'm sure you want to buy a copy... In 2012, I completed my first screenplay writing assignment which hopefully will lead to something soon! Visit my "365 Days to a Sale" blog at www.karynlawrence.com.
Submissions by filmwriter karyn
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Genres: dramaThe true story of two high school seniors whose immature feud escalates with tragic consequences.
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After learning her fiancé is a cheater, an executive hires a revenge expert to even the score.
Reviews by filmwriter karyn 107
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A review of Tribe (revised)by filmwriter karyn on 01/22/2013OVERALL: Fast paced, but needs more focus. Here are some things you might want to look at: p. 2 – You didn’t introduce “Young Man” properly. p. 1-2 – Narration, too much stock footage. Some people like narration. I am not one of those people. To me it can feel like lazy screenwriting. p. 2 – A double wryly is unnecessary. Just use one adjective. p. 3 – Animal death... OVERALL: Fast paced, but needs more focus.
Here are some things you might want to look at:
p. 2 – You didn’t introduce “Young Man” properly.
p. 1-2 – Narration, too much stock footage. Some people like narration. I am not one of those people. To me it can feel like lazy screenwriting.
p. 2 – A double wryly is unnecessary. Just use one adjective.
p. 3 – Animal death is a turnoff. So I would caution against it unless it’s absolutely relevant. (I would argue it’s not here)
p. 6 – The baby’s death… Oh, boy. You just about lost me here, I almost stopped reading. Is there any way you can have the baby die or be stillborn, and have Aaron only THINK they killed it? That would go a long way to help likeability.
p. 7 – “Go sleep next him” Typo.
p. 7 – Hugging isn’t professional.
p. 8 – 3 years maternity leave? What? How do I sign up for that? Also, typo: “It’s first time I’ve been invited out with you guys.”
p. 9, 13 (many times throughout script) – Write out numbers in dialogue.
p. 10-11 – Way too much exposition in dialogue. Most of this backstory isn’t needed either.
p. 12 – No camera directions (HIGH ANGLE, Close on) Stay active with your verbs. Should be “Sandra jars awake”. Several typos on this page which really hurts the presentation. (Jesus Christ should be capitalized, missing comma followed by a capitalized “They”) As the script goes on, the typos get progressively worse.
p. 13 – No “tries”. No starts, begins, etc. Stay active.
p. 15 – Naked slugline. Description must follow your slugs. (Because lazy readers usually won’t read them!)
p. 48 – Why is it necessary to include all the pissing scenes?
-Too many bit characters (Officer on Hill #1). Combine all of these into a few secondary characters with generic names like “Balding Officer.”
-Everyone sounds the same and uses too many expletives. It’s okay to have a few, even several characters can be foul mouthed, but it seems unrealistic that they ALL are.
-No clips from movies. (p.64) You’ve got usage-rights issues, and is unnecessary to the story. Honestly, it feels like it’s included here because you think it’s cool. The only time you can include something like this is when it plays a central part and could not be removed from the story without it collapsing.
-“It’s been a ______ day.” (long, hard, rough, busy) etc. Some iteration of this phrase is used 4 times in the script. That’s too many.
-Too many unlikeable characters. Villains and hero are too black and white. You need to give your villains some redeeming qualities and motivation for why they’re so horrible. Like, what the hell was Manson’s deal? Both Martin and Manson were so evil they verged on cartoon. And I seriously began to question why Sandra would be with such a douche, which hurt her likability. Everyone seemed to go out of there way to be horrible and unlikeable, even guards and nurses. I didn’t get that at all.
-Did you consider sending The Boy and Girl to prison versus juvie? Maybe they’re old enough, or juvie’s too far away, full, etc. I know nothing about juvenile detention centers, but why does this one have a tower? The one in my town (pop. 100,000) is nothing more than a two-story building with a chain-link fence.
-Structure needs some work. Act I is okay, but Act II and III need tightening in my opinion. Part of my issue with your structure stems from the fact that even though I’ve finished the script… I’m not sure who exactly the main character is. Sandra? If that’s true, you really need to introduce her earlier than page 6, and make sure she doesn’t disappear for 8 pages during the climax. She’s far too passive for me as well. It’s good that she tells Keme to take her and let the guard go… but that’s about all we get. She tells The Boy and Girl she’ll help them, protect them… but does she really do much for them? What are her goals, obstacles standing in her way, and what’s at stake? These need stronger definition to work. Put her job on the line. Maybe she’s on probation and if she makes one mistake, she’s finished.
-Currently, it feels like whomever the main character is, their goal is to survive the night. That’s okay, but it’s reactive, not proactive. It puts Awan and Keme in the driver’s seat instead of your main character. Play up min-goals more if you’re going this route. First goal is to get to the kids. Then it’s to get out of the building. Then away from Manson, etc. Each mini-goal should have actions that Sandra takes to achieve them. And put some hard choices in there too if you can. Perhaps her marriage is rocky with Martin, (not totally destroyed) and she must choose helping these kids over him.
-In my opinion, some of your descriptions are overwritten. I highly doubt I’m the first one to say that, a LOT of TSers like minimalist description. I don’t think you need to cut everything out (even if people are saying to), but maybe scale back a bit. You can sneak some in for atmosphere, but don’t go overboard.
-You probably aren’t going to like hearing this, but you might want to lose the kid Max, or drastically cut down on his screen time. The story comes to a screeching halt in these scenes.
Strengths:
-Lots of conflict and tension. Great job.
-Some nice visuals.
-Story starts at the right time. Excellent pacing.
-You don’t make it too easy on your characters.
Hope my comments are helpful and thank you for the opportunity to read your work! read -
A review of Larry the Lipstick Lesbian - revisedby filmwriter karyn on 03/29/2011Overall: Good, potential to be REALLY good. Here are some things you might want to look at: -I think you're missing a word here: “Bobbi glances over her shoulder toward with a touch of concern.” (p. 2) -Might want to try to break up the big action/description block at the top of page 6 to make it a faster read and feel more visual.(vertical) -Don't get me wrong, I dislike... Overall: Good, potential to be REALLY good.
Here are some things you might want to look at:
-I think you're missing a word here: “Bobbi glances over her shoulder toward with a touch of concern.” (p. 2)
-Might want to try to break up the big action/description block at the top of page 6 to make it a faster read and feel more visual.(vertical)
-Don't get me wrong, I dislike the Steelers too but you might want to condense some of this. We already understand that Larry hates them. (p. 10)
-Not sure it's a good idea to have the character names be Larry and Lilly because they're so similar... sometimes it plays tricks on my eyes and I have to go back to confirm who said what. Pulls me from the read.
-You know, I'm not sure the bar scene with Lilly is totally necessary. I get you're trying to show him feeling out of place, but the scene's not as strong as it could be. Plus it feels like it runs long. I see now that this is planting the seeds of the Stewy/Lilly relationship, so it should stay. But I'd take recommend another pass at it and see if you can amp up the humor while boiling it down to what is absolutely necessary.
-That's too much reading (re: email/facebook post). You're probably going to want to do that in V.O. as well. (p. 34)
-It's Elle now, right? You've reverted to Sleeping Beauty, middle of page 35.
-Did you consider addressing the bra situation? Boobies that big need to be reigned in! :-) It could be a potentially hilarious scene. Or maybe it's too obvious a joke...? I dunno, something to think about.
-Women don't think the buttons are on the wrong side, ours are correct and men's are wrong. :-) We're the ones who probably set the standard for this centuries ago anyway, since seamstresses were women. (re: Bobbi's comment, p. 41)
-A lesbian bar called “Lizzy Borden's?” The girl who killed her parents with an axe? (although that's Lizzie, not Lizzy.) And is it weird that I know that? Yes.
-Might want to make it a little harder on Elle to bring women home. Show her failing to pick up a woman at least once, or maybe hit on a woman who's straight. Just because Larry's physically changed, doesn't mean his personality has. He shouldn't suddenly be outgoing and great at hooking up.
-Um, sorry...no. I don't want or need a man to 'protect' me. I'm independent and I like a man (like my husband) who gets that, who supports me emotionally. You need to be careful- while this desire for protection may be true for the Twilight-lovin' women out there, it's not going to be for a lot of other women and can be a turn-off. (p. 62) How would you feel if you read a male character saying that all men need a woman so she can take care of him? You can have Bobbi say this is what she personally desires, but the statement “it's true of all women I know” does not work.
-Typo, I think it should be “really” not “relay”. (p. 64)
-Elle/Larry should have a harder time letting go of the manly stuff in the bedroom. (p. 67)
-Might want to dial back the V.O. Only use it when you absolutely must. I think you can cut the one on p. 69 because it's telling... and you've already done a good job of showing it anyway. Same thing with the one on p. 84, we already know this.
-I'd like to see even more hesitation from Elle before agreeing to be the maid of honor. S/He's not planning on being Elle at the wedding, right? So s/he's basically agreeing to be a no-show and has to know that's going to hurt Bobbi.
-Why would a married couple want a roommate? (p. 83)
-Hmm... how is there a live NFL game on a Friday? (p. 85)
-Typo, should be “Look at this!” (p. 94) The typos get worse in the last 20 pages. You've got Bobbi's name spelled wrong on p. 103.
-Make sure you set up your rules and then adhere to them. If Larry has to “make love” to a woman to reverse the spell, then the kiss shouldn't work. If you're wanting this to be a communication issue between Si Si and Larry when they make the deal, then play that up more. Maybe she says something like, “You must find the love of another woman.” and he says, “Like make love?” Si Si misunderstands and nods. (Or something to that effect.) As it's set up now, it sort of feels like a cheat that the kiss transforms him after Si Si was clear he needed to “make love.” And it felt like she was relaxing the rule near the end when he said he hadn't hooked up with anyone.
-This one's nitpicky: I would have liked to have seen more motivation from Si Si on why she transforms Larry into Elle. I'm thinking about stories like “The Little Mermaid” or “17 Again.” The person that performs the spell has a reason for doing it, (Ursala wants to trap the King into a deal, the Janitor wants to show Matthew Perry's character that he made the right choice and should fight to win his wife back) It could be something as simple as Si Si saying she'd transform him into a lesbian if he beats her at cards... I wouldn't think the spell would be terribly easy to perform (or she'd just do magic all the time, it has to have consequences) so Si Si shouldn't just volunteer to do it for nothing.
-You might want to have a scene where Elle gets hit on by a man, and then he only gets more excited when she blows him off and tells him she's a lesbian. A shoe's on the other foot kind of thing. Like, what if she ran into a guy who was just like Larry?
Strong points:
-I'm the type that groans out loud when a script opens with V.O. Usually it's expositional, boring and telling rather than showing. But here it works since the dialogue is both humorous and interesting.
-I read once that the fastest way to get your audience to like a character was to give them an unrequited love interest. And it totally works for Larry when you introduce Bobbi.
-”All she's getting is this drink.” (p. 14) Ha, ha!
-”Les-bo. Big time.” (p. 37) Ha, ha!
-”Have you ever stood in line?” (p. 76) Nice!
-There's a lot to like here. Your structure's great, dialogue's fun, and your main character has an arc. GREAT job! I really enjoyed the read.
I hope my comments are helpful and good luck! read -
A review of The Magnificent Canyonby filmwriter karyn on 03/11/2011Overall: Some good ideas, but needs stronger execution to really shine. Here are some things you might want to look at: -Typo on p. 1, should be “Ryan walks across a gigantic executive office...” -Try not to use the words “starts”, “tries” or “begins” as actions because you want to be active. It should be “A hand reaches over and tickles Ryan's nose with a feather.” You... Overall: Some good ideas, but needs stronger execution to really shine.
Here are some things you might want to look at:
-Typo on p. 1, should be “Ryan walks across a gigantic executive office...”
-Try not to use the words “starts”, “tries” or “begins” as actions because you want to be active. It should be “A hand reaches over and tickles Ryan's nose with a feather.” You want to avoid having verbs that end in 'ing' as well. I'd recommend changing it to “Ryan wiggles his nose, fights the itch.” and “He smacks his face, falls backwards out of his chair and wakes abruptly from his dream.” (p. 2)
-In my opinion, description blocks need an edit. For example, you could say “The conference room is sparse; a round table, mismatched chairs, a whiteboard.” (p. 3) I used 12 words, yours uses 21. The more concise you can make it, the better. Another example is on p. 5 where you say “A nearby table full of empty bottles and drink glasses is the result of several hours of boozing.” This is both good and bad- it's good because it's showing visually rather than have one of your characters tell the audience “We've been here drinking all night.” But bad because (once again, my opinion) it's overwritten. You could just say there are many empties in front of them and we get the same idea without using so many words. And this is totally nit-picky, but hopefully you find it helpful.
-Two of Ryan's dialogue blocks in a row start with “As you can see,” which is repetitive. (p. 4-5)
-”All the account reps are once again sitting around table in the table.” (p. 9) Huh?
-Not sure you're using Montage correctly- I think you're looking for either a Series of Shots, or maybe just do them as scenes. But the formatting of this kind of thing can be such a gray area- no one seems to agree here on TS...
-Most professionals would say “I was let go” or “terminated” instead of “fired” to a potential employer. (p. 15)
-People without tickets aren't allowed in airport terminals, regardless of how small the airport is. This scene would have to take place in the baggage claim area, or right outside security. (p 16)
-You need new sluglines when moving to different rooms. (p. 20)
-Might want this job interview to be more of a challenge for Ryan. Let conflict push the story forward. (p. 26)
-Lou speaks twice in a row. (p. 33)
-Might want to tone down the “Ryan gives a look of...” descriptions. One or two are okay, but more than that and it starts to feel like directing. (p. 36)
-Fart jokes? (p. 38) This is a rom-com, and your audience is going to be predominately female. We're not real big on potty humor. Some of the jokes feel immature.
-When one character addresses another, even with a nickname, you need a comma. For example, it should be “You just got here, silly.” (p. 40) This error occurs numerous times throughout the script. You also tend not to use question marks when you should.
-”It's Peggy, a teacher at school's daughter.” Uh... what? (p. 41) And Clint speaks twice in a row here too.
-We don't need to know what people are wearing unless it's important to the story. Just say they're in golf attire. (p. 46)
-Typo, should be “Well,” not “We'll”. (p. 49)
-Is this long golfing sequence necessary story-wise?
-When Ashlynn asks if Ryan's afraid of heights, this is the third time your audience is hearing about it- so it feels repetitive. (p. 66) Might want to cut the opening mention with the janitor.
-Typo, should be “What if nobody comes?” (p. 68)
-”We're just having drinks, you can't make us leave.” (p. 71) Actually, Lester can. He's the owner and has the right to refuse service. It seems pretty stupid of Fred to be pulling this since Lester is a Lou's Crew client.
-Six months? It doesn't feel like that much time has passed and marketing campaigns don't typically last that long. If this is Ryan's only account, what has he been doing for them all this time?
-Just a thought: why doesn't Ryan get a new, replacement bobble head for Lou? He could leave it mysteriously on Lou's desk after hours... but then Lou is not satisfied with the replacement and still wants to know who broke the original. That way your audience feels for Ryan, seeing as he tried to right his wrong, and realizes Lou's just crazy.
-Sorry, but I don't buy this scene with Lou, Ryan and Fred where Lou gives Ryan a warning. (p. 77) Lou just spent the previous page talking about how great Ryan is, and now he's mad at him?
-”It was a very slow.” A very slow what? (p. 78)
-If I was subjected to a creepy puppet show, where the mom of the guy I just started dating said we were going to get married... that would be really awkward. I think you can keep that scene mostly as is, but you should mislead your audience (and Ryan) into thinking she's freaked out about it and wants to bail.
-Ryan jumps to the conclusion that Ashlynn's blowing him off WAY too much, and it feels very forced. It's hurts Ryan's likability greatly and I'm not sure if I want to see Ashlynn take him back.
-This is unfilmable: “Ryan realizes he may have overreacted to Ashlynn and changes the subject.” (p. 92)
-”Funniest” is not correct, I highly doubt a professional broadcaster would say that. (p. 94)
-Two typos in the pretty newswoman's dialogue block: “We (have) a fantastic feature...” and “Nope, not the canyon you're thinking of.” (p. 96)
-Ryan comes off petty here when he calls Lou a bitch. (p. 107)
-Biggest issue for me is lack of obstacles for Ryan. He's not active enough and doesn't drive the story forward... he's mostly reactive. He starts off strong, taking the initiative and pitching to the Thirst Aid president. But once he goes to Arizona, he moves to the passenger seat and lets everything happen to him. He doesn't have to work to get his new job, fight to get the Canyon account, or really even do much to land Ashlynn. If you're thinking about a rewrite, I would definitely look at ways to increase conflict and obstacles for our main guy.
-Structure needs a bit of work. I think the whole Ashlynn romance is introduced a bit late, and develops too quickly. Big one to take a look at is that the 'break up' scene occurs on page 90. This is far too late story-wise. Several scenes run on too long or feel unnecessary. (Like the golfing scene I mentioned, for example) Condense and tighten this baby up. I think you currently have enough story for 95-100 pages- 108 felt too long to me.
-I'd love to see you develop stronger initial motivation from Fred. Once we get that he's in direct competition with Ryan, it works. But up to that point he seemed kind of cartoony evil for no good reason.
-Okay, this is totally going to be the kettle calling the pot black (since I have a rom-com posted here that is guilty of this too) but marketing/advertising careers are overuse in this genre. If you're going to do that, you need to make sure that your characters are 100% believable in the field. To me, Ryan wasn't. He never came off as professional or clever at his job.
-More typos/grammatical errors are in here that I didn't list- make sure you give it a good proofread.
Strong points:
-I liked how the Thirst Aid President momentarily misled Ryan into thinking his pitch was a good idea, and again with Elmer right before he fires him. (p. 13-14)
-”Today's forecast is sunny with a one hundred percent chance of everyone making fun of me.” Funny! (p. 22)
-I liked Ryan's character arc- facing his fear of heights at the end and choosing Ashlynn over New York.
-A lot of the banter between Ryan and Ashlynn had nice chemistry.
I hope my comments are helpful and good luck! read
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Submissions by filmwriter karyn
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An Ohio State cheerleader must learn that love conquers all when she falls for a Michigan football player.
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Genres: drama
The true story of two high school seniors whose immature feud escalates with tragic consequences.
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After learning her fiancé is a cheater, an executive hires a revenge expert to even the score.
Reviews by filmwriter karyn 107
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A review of Tribe (revised)by filmwriter karyn on 01/22/2013OVERALL: Fast paced, but needs more focus. Here are some things you might want to look at: p. 2 – You didn’t introduce “Young Man” properly. p. 1-2 – Narration, too much stock footage. Some people like narration. I am not one of those people. To me it can feel like lazy screenwriting. p. 2 – A double wryly is unnecessary. Just use one adjective. p. 3 – Animal death... OVERALL: Fast paced, but needs more focus.
Here are some things you might want to look at:
p. 2 – You didn’t introduce “Young Man” properly.
p. 1-2 – Narration, too much stock footage. Some people like narration. I am not one of those people. To me it can feel like lazy screenwriting.
p. 2 – A double wryly is unnecessary. Just use one adjective.
p. 3 – Animal death is a turnoff. So I would caution against it unless it’s absolutely relevant. (I would argue it’s not here)
p. 6 – The baby’s death… Oh, boy. You just about lost me here, I almost stopped reading. Is there any way you can have the baby die or be stillborn, and have Aaron only THINK they killed it? That would go a long way to help likeability.
p. 7 – “Go sleep next him” Typo.
p. 7 – Hugging isn’t professional.
p. 8 – 3 years maternity leave? What? How do I sign up for that? Also, typo: “It’s first time I’ve been invited out with you guys.”
p. 9, 13 (many times throughout script) – Write out numbers in dialogue.
p. 10-11 – Way too much exposition in dialogue. Most of this backstory isn’t needed either.
p. 12 – No camera directions (HIGH ANGLE, Close on) Stay active with your verbs. Should be “Sandra jars awake”. Several typos on this page which really hurts the presentation. (Jesus Christ should be capitalized, missing comma followed by a capitalized “They”) As the script goes on, the typos get progressively worse.
p. 13 – No “tries”. No starts, begins, etc. Stay active.
p. 15 – Naked slugline. Description must follow your slugs. (Because lazy readers usually won’t read them!)
p. 48 – Why is it necessary to include all the pissing scenes?
-Too many bit characters (Officer on Hill #1). Combine all of these into a few secondary characters with generic names like “Balding Officer.”
-Everyone sounds the same and uses too many expletives. It’s okay to have a few, even several characters can be foul mouthed, but it seems unrealistic that they ALL are.
-No clips from movies. (p.64) You’ve got usage-rights issues, and is unnecessary to the story. Honestly, it feels like it’s included here because you think it’s cool. The only time you can include something like this is when it plays a central part and could not be removed from the story without it collapsing.
-“It’s been a ______ day.” (long, hard, rough, busy) etc. Some iteration of this phrase is used 4 times in the script. That’s too many.
-Too many unlikeable characters. Villains and hero are too black and white. You need to give your villains some redeeming qualities and motivation for why they’re so horrible. Like, what the hell was Manson’s deal? Both Martin and Manson were so evil they verged on cartoon. And I seriously began to question why Sandra would be with such a douche, which hurt her likability. Everyone seemed to go out of there way to be horrible and unlikeable, even guards and nurses. I didn’t get that at all.
-Did you consider sending The Boy and Girl to prison versus juvie? Maybe they’re old enough, or juvie’s too far away, full, etc. I know nothing about juvenile detention centers, but why does this one have a tower? The one in my town (pop. 100,000) is nothing more than a two-story building with a chain-link fence.
-Structure needs some work. Act I is okay, but Act II and III need tightening in my opinion. Part of my issue with your structure stems from the fact that even though I’ve finished the script… I’m not sure who exactly the main character is. Sandra? If that’s true, you really need to introduce her earlier than page 6, and make sure she doesn’t disappear for 8 pages during the climax. She’s far too passive for me as well. It’s good that she tells Keme to take her and let the guard go… but that’s about all we get. She tells The Boy and Girl she’ll help them, protect them… but does she really do much for them? What are her goals, obstacles standing in her way, and what’s at stake? These need stronger definition to work. Put her job on the line. Maybe she’s on probation and if she makes one mistake, she’s finished.
-Currently, it feels like whomever the main character is, their goal is to survive the night. That’s okay, but it’s reactive, not proactive. It puts Awan and Keme in the driver’s seat instead of your main character. Play up min-goals more if you’re going this route. First goal is to get to the kids. Then it’s to get out of the building. Then away from Manson, etc. Each mini-goal should have actions that Sandra takes to achieve them. And put some hard choices in there too if you can. Perhaps her marriage is rocky with Martin, (not totally destroyed) and she must choose helping these kids over him.
-In my opinion, some of your descriptions are overwritten. I highly doubt I’m the first one to say that, a LOT of TSers like minimalist description. I don’t think you need to cut everything out (even if people are saying to), but maybe scale back a bit. You can sneak some in for atmosphere, but don’t go overboard.
-You probably aren’t going to like hearing this, but you might want to lose the kid Max, or drastically cut down on his screen time. The story comes to a screeching halt in these scenes.
Strengths:
-Lots of conflict and tension. Great job.
-Some nice visuals.
-Story starts at the right time. Excellent pacing.
-You don’t make it too easy on your characters.
Hope my comments are helpful and thank you for the opportunity to read your work! read -
A review of Larry the Lipstick Lesbian - revisedby filmwriter karyn on 03/29/2011Overall: Good, potential to be REALLY good. Here are some things you might want to look at: -I think you're missing a word here: “Bobbi glances over her shoulder toward with a touch of concern.” (p. 2) -Might want to try to break up the big action/description block at the top of page 6 to make it a faster read and feel more visual.(vertical) -Don't get me wrong, I dislike... Overall: Good, potential to be REALLY good.
Here are some things you might want to look at:
-I think you're missing a word here: “Bobbi glances over her shoulder toward with a touch of concern.” (p. 2)
-Might want to try to break up the big action/description block at the top of page 6 to make it a faster read and feel more visual.(vertical)
-Don't get me wrong, I dislike the Steelers too but you might want to condense some of this. We already understand that Larry hates them. (p. 10)
-Not sure it's a good idea to have the character names be Larry and Lilly because they're so similar... sometimes it plays tricks on my eyes and I have to go back to confirm who said what. Pulls me from the read.
-You know, I'm not sure the bar scene with Lilly is totally necessary. I get you're trying to show him feeling out of place, but the scene's not as strong as it could be. Plus it feels like it runs long. I see now that this is planting the seeds of the Stewy/Lilly relationship, so it should stay. But I'd take recommend another pass at it and see if you can amp up the humor while boiling it down to what is absolutely necessary.
-That's too much reading (re: email/facebook post). You're probably going to want to do that in V.O. as well. (p. 34)
-It's Elle now, right? You've reverted to Sleeping Beauty, middle of page 35.
-Did you consider addressing the bra situation? Boobies that big need to be reigned in! :-) It could be a potentially hilarious scene. Or maybe it's too obvious a joke...? I dunno, something to think about.
-Women don't think the buttons are on the wrong side, ours are correct and men's are wrong. :-) We're the ones who probably set the standard for this centuries ago anyway, since seamstresses were women. (re: Bobbi's comment, p. 41)
-A lesbian bar called “Lizzy Borden's?” The girl who killed her parents with an axe? (although that's Lizzie, not Lizzy.) And is it weird that I know that? Yes.
-Might want to make it a little harder on Elle to bring women home. Show her failing to pick up a woman at least once, or maybe hit on a woman who's straight. Just because Larry's physically changed, doesn't mean his personality has. He shouldn't suddenly be outgoing and great at hooking up.
-Um, sorry...no. I don't want or need a man to 'protect' me. I'm independent and I like a man (like my husband) who gets that, who supports me emotionally. You need to be careful- while this desire for protection may be true for the Twilight-lovin' women out there, it's not going to be for a lot of other women and can be a turn-off. (p. 62) How would you feel if you read a male character saying that all men need a woman so she can take care of him? You can have Bobbi say this is what she personally desires, but the statement “it's true of all women I know” does not work.
-Typo, I think it should be “really” not “relay”. (p. 64)
-Elle/Larry should have a harder time letting go of the manly stuff in the bedroom. (p. 67)
-Might want to dial back the V.O. Only use it when you absolutely must. I think you can cut the one on p. 69 because it's telling... and you've already done a good job of showing it anyway. Same thing with the one on p. 84, we already know this.
-I'd like to see even more hesitation from Elle before agreeing to be the maid of honor. S/He's not planning on being Elle at the wedding, right? So s/he's basically agreeing to be a no-show and has to know that's going to hurt Bobbi.
-Why would a married couple want a roommate? (p. 83)
-Hmm... how is there a live NFL game on a Friday? (p. 85)
-Typo, should be “Look at this!” (p. 94) The typos get worse in the last 20 pages. You've got Bobbi's name spelled wrong on p. 103.
-Make sure you set up your rules and then adhere to them. If Larry has to “make love” to a woman to reverse the spell, then the kiss shouldn't work. If you're wanting this to be a communication issue between Si Si and Larry when they make the deal, then play that up more. Maybe she says something like, “You must find the love of another woman.” and he says, “Like make love?” Si Si misunderstands and nods. (Or something to that effect.) As it's set up now, it sort of feels like a cheat that the kiss transforms him after Si Si was clear he needed to “make love.” And it felt like she was relaxing the rule near the end when he said he hadn't hooked up with anyone.
-This one's nitpicky: I would have liked to have seen more motivation from Si Si on why she transforms Larry into Elle. I'm thinking about stories like “The Little Mermaid” or “17 Again.” The person that performs the spell has a reason for doing it, (Ursala wants to trap the King into a deal, the Janitor wants to show Matthew Perry's character that he made the right choice and should fight to win his wife back) It could be something as simple as Si Si saying she'd transform him into a lesbian if he beats her at cards... I wouldn't think the spell would be terribly easy to perform (or she'd just do magic all the time, it has to have consequences) so Si Si shouldn't just volunteer to do it for nothing.
-You might want to have a scene where Elle gets hit on by a man, and then he only gets more excited when she blows him off and tells him she's a lesbian. A shoe's on the other foot kind of thing. Like, what if she ran into a guy who was just like Larry?
Strong points:
-I'm the type that groans out loud when a script opens with V.O. Usually it's expositional, boring and telling rather than showing. But here it works since the dialogue is both humorous and interesting.
-I read once that the fastest way to get your audience to like a character was to give them an unrequited love interest. And it totally works for Larry when you introduce Bobbi.
-”All she's getting is this drink.” (p. 14) Ha, ha!
-”Les-bo. Big time.” (p. 37) Ha, ha!
-”Have you ever stood in line?” (p. 76) Nice!
-There's a lot to like here. Your structure's great, dialogue's fun, and your main character has an arc. GREAT job! I really enjoyed the read.
I hope my comments are helpful and good luck! read -
A review of The Magnificent Canyonby filmwriter karyn on 03/11/2011Overall: Some good ideas, but needs stronger execution to really shine. Here are some things you might want to look at: -Typo on p. 1, should be “Ryan walks across a gigantic executive office...” -Try not to use the words “starts”, “tries” or “begins” as actions because you want to be active. It should be “A hand reaches over and tickles Ryan's nose with a feather.” You... Overall: Some good ideas, but needs stronger execution to really shine.
Here are some things you might want to look at:
-Typo on p. 1, should be “Ryan walks across a gigantic executive office...”
-Try not to use the words “starts”, “tries” or “begins” as actions because you want to be active. It should be “A hand reaches over and tickles Ryan's nose with a feather.” You want to avoid having verbs that end in 'ing' as well. I'd recommend changing it to “Ryan wiggles his nose, fights the itch.” and “He smacks his face, falls backwards out of his chair and wakes abruptly from his dream.” (p. 2)
-In my opinion, description blocks need an edit. For example, you could say “The conference room is sparse; a round table, mismatched chairs, a whiteboard.” (p. 3) I used 12 words, yours uses 21. The more concise you can make it, the better. Another example is on p. 5 where you say “A nearby table full of empty bottles and drink glasses is the result of several hours of boozing.” This is both good and bad- it's good because it's showing visually rather than have one of your characters tell the audience “We've been here drinking all night.” But bad because (once again, my opinion) it's overwritten. You could just say there are many empties in front of them and we get the same idea without using so many words. And this is totally nit-picky, but hopefully you find it helpful.
-Two of Ryan's dialogue blocks in a row start with “As you can see,” which is repetitive. (p. 4-5)
-”All the account reps are once again sitting around table in the table.” (p. 9) Huh?
-Not sure you're using Montage correctly- I think you're looking for either a Series of Shots, or maybe just do them as scenes. But the formatting of this kind of thing can be such a gray area- no one seems to agree here on TS...
-Most professionals would say “I was let go” or “terminated” instead of “fired” to a potential employer. (p. 15)
-People without tickets aren't allowed in airport terminals, regardless of how small the airport is. This scene would have to take place in the baggage claim area, or right outside security. (p 16)
-You need new sluglines when moving to different rooms. (p. 20)
-Might want this job interview to be more of a challenge for Ryan. Let conflict push the story forward. (p. 26)
-Lou speaks twice in a row. (p. 33)
-Might want to tone down the “Ryan gives a look of...” descriptions. One or two are okay, but more than that and it starts to feel like directing. (p. 36)
-Fart jokes? (p. 38) This is a rom-com, and your audience is going to be predominately female. We're not real big on potty humor. Some of the jokes feel immature.
-When one character addresses another, even with a nickname, you need a comma. For example, it should be “You just got here, silly.” (p. 40) This error occurs numerous times throughout the script. You also tend not to use question marks when you should.
-”It's Peggy, a teacher at school's daughter.” Uh... what? (p. 41) And Clint speaks twice in a row here too.
-We don't need to know what people are wearing unless it's important to the story. Just say they're in golf attire. (p. 46)
-Typo, should be “Well,” not “We'll”. (p. 49)
-Is this long golfing sequence necessary story-wise?
-When Ashlynn asks if Ryan's afraid of heights, this is the third time your audience is hearing about it- so it feels repetitive. (p. 66) Might want to cut the opening mention with the janitor.
-Typo, should be “What if nobody comes?” (p. 68)
-”We're just having drinks, you can't make us leave.” (p. 71) Actually, Lester can. He's the owner and has the right to refuse service. It seems pretty stupid of Fred to be pulling this since Lester is a Lou's Crew client.
-Six months? It doesn't feel like that much time has passed and marketing campaigns don't typically last that long. If this is Ryan's only account, what has he been doing for them all this time?
-Just a thought: why doesn't Ryan get a new, replacement bobble head for Lou? He could leave it mysteriously on Lou's desk after hours... but then Lou is not satisfied with the replacement and still wants to know who broke the original. That way your audience feels for Ryan, seeing as he tried to right his wrong, and realizes Lou's just crazy.
-Sorry, but I don't buy this scene with Lou, Ryan and Fred where Lou gives Ryan a warning. (p. 77) Lou just spent the previous page talking about how great Ryan is, and now he's mad at him?
-”It was a very slow.” A very slow what? (p. 78)
-If I was subjected to a creepy puppet show, where the mom of the guy I just started dating said we were going to get married... that would be really awkward. I think you can keep that scene mostly as is, but you should mislead your audience (and Ryan) into thinking she's freaked out about it and wants to bail.
-Ryan jumps to the conclusion that Ashlynn's blowing him off WAY too much, and it feels very forced. It's hurts Ryan's likability greatly and I'm not sure if I want to see Ashlynn take him back.
-This is unfilmable: “Ryan realizes he may have overreacted to Ashlynn and changes the subject.” (p. 92)
-”Funniest” is not correct, I highly doubt a professional broadcaster would say that. (p. 94)
-Two typos in the pretty newswoman's dialogue block: “We (have) a fantastic feature...” and “Nope, not the canyon you're thinking of.” (p. 96)
-Ryan comes off petty here when he calls Lou a bitch. (p. 107)
-Biggest issue for me is lack of obstacles for Ryan. He's not active enough and doesn't drive the story forward... he's mostly reactive. He starts off strong, taking the initiative and pitching to the Thirst Aid president. But once he goes to Arizona, he moves to the passenger seat and lets everything happen to him. He doesn't have to work to get his new job, fight to get the Canyon account, or really even do much to land Ashlynn. If you're thinking about a rewrite, I would definitely look at ways to increase conflict and obstacles for our main guy.
-Structure needs a bit of work. I think the whole Ashlynn romance is introduced a bit late, and develops too quickly. Big one to take a look at is that the 'break up' scene occurs on page 90. This is far too late story-wise. Several scenes run on too long or feel unnecessary. (Like the golfing scene I mentioned, for example) Condense and tighten this baby up. I think you currently have enough story for 95-100 pages- 108 felt too long to me.
-I'd love to see you develop stronger initial motivation from Fred. Once we get that he's in direct competition with Ryan, it works. But up to that point he seemed kind of cartoony evil for no good reason.
-Okay, this is totally going to be the kettle calling the pot black (since I have a rom-com posted here that is guilty of this too) but marketing/advertising careers are overuse in this genre. If you're going to do that, you need to make sure that your characters are 100% believable in the field. To me, Ryan wasn't. He never came off as professional or clever at his job.
-More typos/grammatical errors are in here that I didn't list- make sure you give it a good proofread.
Strong points:
-I liked how the Thirst Aid President momentarily misled Ryan into thinking his pitch was a good idea, and again with Elmer right before he fires him. (p. 13-14)
-”Today's forecast is sunny with a one hundred percent chance of everyone making fun of me.” Funny! (p. 22)
-I liked Ryan's character arc- facing his fear of heights at the end and choosing Ashlynn over New York.
-A lot of the banter between Ryan and Ashlynn had nice chemistry.
I hope my comments are helpful and good luck! read -
A review of Song of Solomonby filmwriter karyn on 01/18/2011Overall: Potential, but I often got bogged down with logical issues, making the story feel unbelievable at times. Here are some things you might want to look at: -I like the setup here with Chance’s talkshow, but I think his dialogue could be a bit stronger. It feels a little like he’s just telling the audience (as in, the reader) everything we need to know. I’d think he’d... Overall: Potential, but I often got bogged down with logical issues, making the story feel unbelievable at times.
Here are some things you might want to look at:
-I like the setup here with Chance’s talkshow, but I think his dialogue could be a bit stronger. It feels a little like he’s just telling the audience (as in, the reader) everything we need to know. I’d think he’d be more dramatic about it. Set up who Saundra is, show a few cute pictures of Solomon, then have Chance say something like, “Something’s missing from this young boy’s life. Backstage sit two men who couldn’t be more different. But they have one thing in common: each could be this boy’s father” etc, etc. Most shows like this are ALL about the drama, so really go for it!
-Did you consider having the two potential fathers not know what they are actually appearing on the show for, and get ambushed? That’s a lot more interesting and supposedly more realistic. (Although I typically feel those are staged...) Just something to think about.
-Chance should say “him” and not “it” when referring to Solomon. (p. 4) Same with Davis and Josh on p. 32. Solomon is a person, not an “it.”
-Solomon has medical problems? That should be revealed during the talkshow.
-Conflict is needed between our two main guys. One of them shouldn’t be as gung-ho about accepting responsibility as the other is.
-What about CPS? Wouldn’t Solomon legally have to go into the system? You can’t just hand a kid over to strangers. I find it hard to buy Monica’s “the show’ll never air, no one will know” line. (p. 9)
-The scene on p. 11 where Byrd goes to Keisha’s house. Is this necessary?
-Why does Byrd help Josh, what is his motivation when he sees Josh get out of the taxi? Maybe he should see Josh struggle with the baby stuff and offers to help out of guilt. Need to increase the conflict.
-Ugh, Byrd is a real-turn off for me here. I think that’s good that you’re getting a reaction (and probably as you intended) but, ew. (“I peed on her.” p. 13)
-Time is confusing on p. 16. I think tombstones take a while to make, plus arrangements for burial, etc. But when Josh comes home from the cemetery it seems like it’s for the first time.
-Typo, should be “you’re just” not “your just”. (p. 17)
-The conversation between Byrd and Josh on p. 21 is expositional and lacks conflict. Byrd went to jail when he was nine? Doesn’t he mean juvie?
-Byrd being a foster kid- I think you’re missing an opportunity here. Most foster kids I know hate the system, or at least don’t want to see another child enter the program if there’s a possibility of a forever home. So when Byrd is presented with Solomon and told no one can take him… I would think his character would tell him to do something about it. Even if it’s to push the kid onto Josh.
-Things are too easy on Byrd. For example, the scene where Josh and him go crib shopping- it’s like Tanya can’t even keep her panties on and she knows NOTHING about him. I’d buy it if they met at a bar, but in a baby store? (p. 26)
-“I had an abortion three years ago. And the doctor, while he was doing it, gave me a hysterectomy.” (p. 28) Um… this really isn’t possible. I won’t go into the medical stuff, but abortions are out-patient procedures and hysterectomies are major surgeries. Just say something went wrong with the abortion and now she can’t have kids. We don’t need more info than that.
-Dialogue can be on the nose at times. An example is the conversation between Boone and Josh on p. 38-39. People don’t volunteer information like this. Also, they don’t speak in long blocks, so break up your longer dialogue blocks with an action or edit down. (p. 39) Why isn’t Josh more angry with his father? The scene is kind of devoid of tension when it should be filled with it.
-Might want to say “gun” instead of “piece” on p. 44, or describe it. For a moment I literally thought he took a piece of his belt and was like, “What…?”
-There are a lot of named characters, it gets hard to keep them all straight.
-Sometimes we get talking heads… not a whole lot of action going on. Part of this is probably a structure issue. I think you introduce the Keisha/Bradley attacks too late and we’re left with a lot of talking to fill the middle of the second act.
-Josh and Byrd occasional sound the same. Josh tends to sound more proper and Byrd’s dialect is more urban. But then you give us a dialogue block from Byrd that sounds more like Josh. (Starts with “Dude, I know you wanna be a good parent…” on p. 62)
-Typo, should be “may not survive.” (p. 65)
-All of our guys would have to get passports to go to Africa, and that would open the door to legal issues over guardianship…
-Biggest issue for me is all of the logical problems I mentioned. Josh accepts Solomon into his life far too easily, then welcomes Byrd into his home when he is a total stranger. It doesn’t feel believable to me.
-What ever happened to Devin?
-So I imagine those notes were kind of a bummer to read. Hopefully it doesn’t get you down, but instead gives you some stuff to think about or ideas for an upcoming rewrite (if you’re planning one). I very much like your production note, “This gnawed at me until I wrote it.” I know EXACTLY what you mean, so great job on getting it down. You’re passionate about the story and it shows.
Strong points:
-Good opening with the talkshow, intriguing.
-“Mute. Not deaf.” Good line. (p. 13)
-Fast read and almost error-free. (Can be a rare find here on TS sometimes.)
-Nice character arcs.
-I really liked the conversation between Josh and Kikko, well done.
I hope my comments are helpful and good luck! read -
A review of Aquarianna (v2)by filmwriter karyn on 11/09/2010Overall: Fun story and a quick read. Here are some things you might want to look at: -Typo, should be “The boat skids across the whale’s back and tips to the side.” (p. 4) -I like to name my generic characters with more description so the reader can visualize. So instead of “Sailor 1, Sailor 2” etc. you could have “Bearded Sailor, Portly Sailor”. Just something to consider... Overall: Fun story and a quick read.
Here are some things you might want to look at:
-Typo, should be “The boat skids across the whale’s back and tips to the side.” (p. 4)
-I like to name my generic characters with more description so the reader can visualize. So instead of “Sailor 1, Sailor 2” etc. you could have “Bearded Sailor, Portly Sailor”. Just something to consider. (p. 8-9) And you started doing this on p. 21, great!
-Typo, should be “you’re my son” not “your.” (p. 10)
-Extra word, “and” bottom of p. 14.
-That’s a lot of people to introduce in a short amount of time. (p. 17) Can you space them out over the page more?
-Missing word, should be “lands on the top” (p. 28)
-The scene on p. 30 is somewhat confusing because Leif says “We can’t set her free!” but follows it with “We can’t wait!”
-Dialogue can be a bit uneven. Sometimes it’s good, like “It’s even harder when you’re wrapped in chains.” (p. 34) But sometimes, not so good, like “Well, well, well! If it isn’t Ardan!” (p. 82)
-The scene with Darwin and the scientists doesn’t really work for me. There’s no conflict and it’s very expositional. (starts on p. 54) Plus, would she really trust these strangers enough to give all this information when no one has been good to her up to this point?
-Missing word? “You will be given ten lashes (and) be sent to the Warrior’s brig.” (p. 70)
-Should be “man’s” not “mans.” (p. 72)
-Extra word, “When the monster’s is in view” (p. 82)
-There are a lot of typos/errors I didn’t mention, make sure you give this a good proofread.
-Biggest issue for me is that the main character, Leif, didn’t seem to have enough development as some of the secondary characters, like Renard and Torm. It’s not that he’s flat- it’s that he’s just okay. I’d love to see him shine and standout more. Give him a quirk or more of a personality. It could be an irrational fear of rats or something… anything that builds layers. Plus you can mine that for comic relief, which brings me to my next point…
-It felt like you were going for a “Pirates of the Caribbean” vibe, action with some humorous one-liners/colorful characters thrown in. And I’m sure a lot of the one-liners here would depend greatly on delivery. But for me, they were also just okay. A few drew a smile from me, but never a full laugh. Comedy is totally subjective, but if you can beef up the humor in a few spots I think that would really make this standout great. For example, the running joke of Renard upping his percentage never really went into funny for me.
-One last thing before we get to the good stuff- I think your synopsis (logline) is just a hair long/over descriptive. I suck at writing logline so I’m not going to horrify you with an attempt, but I just wanted to let you know that I almost passed on this script because the logline felt overwritten. And I’m glad I didn’t!
Strong points:
-Lots of white space, made for a very quick and enjoyable read.
-Action scenes were well written and visual.
-There’s a real nice cinematic quality to the script.
-Story is a fun ride and I’m sure would appeal to a wide audience. Great job!
I hope my comments are helpful and good luck! read -
A review of The Means (9-10)by filmwriter karyn on 11/03/2010Overall: Increasing stakes help a somewhat unfocused story become a fast and enjoyable read. Here are some things you might want to look at: -I thought Darren was following a Cadillac in the previous scene, but on p. 9 you say it’s a Toyota. -Who is Lorena? I think you mean Elena. (p. 13, 69) -I’m not sure you need to name the crossing guard (Kayla) as she doesn’t have... Overall: Increasing stakes help a somewhat unfocused story become a fast and enjoyable read.
Here are some things you might want to look at:
-I thought Darren was following a Cadillac in the previous scene, but on p. 9 you say it’s a Toyota.
-Who is Lorena? I think you mean Elena. (p. 13, 69)
-I’m not sure you need to name the crossing guard (Kayla) as she doesn’t have any speaking lines and it becomes an unnecessary name for the reader to remember. In general, there seem to be a lot of named characters. I’d give your secondary characters just a first name.
-“some filthy whore” comes on a little strong for me. (p. 41)
-Typo, “I understand the question is be embarrassing” (p. 44)
-Should be “Darren sits in his car and eats a sandwich, keeps an eye on a skinny hooker across the street.” (p. 45)
-Honestly, I’m not a big fan of Darren’s Mara Salvatrucha story. It’s telling, not showing and feels like you went out of your way to get this info out. (p. 48) Same thing again with the story about Darren’s brother falling down the stairs.
-The reveal that Darren was a cop in LA wasn’t much of a reveal. I think bringing up LA hurt this a lot. I’d recommend one mention from Elena early on and that’s it. You might also want to put in a red herring alluding to what his occupation was/is to throw your audience off track. (I’m assuming you want this reveal to be a surprise, right?) (p. 72.) You could even have Hendrix suspect early on and check… but since the records were sealed, he comes up with nothing and that would have satisfied me.
-Sometimes Darren’s commentary while he was catching people in the act felt forced. Like he was trying to be funny, but it wasn’t working for me. Kind of a turn-off for this character.
-Biggest issue for me is that I walked away from this script wondering what was Darren’s ultimate goal. The idea of him getting back indirectly at the driver that killed his son by catching others in the act wasn’t strong enough. If Molina had plowed through the kids while texting on a cell phone, would Darren go after other people texting? It just seemed like weird logic to me that he would do that. Why wouldn’t he go after the source? Yes, Molina’s in prison, but Darren’s a former cop. It almost would make more sense for him to try to get Molina OUT of prison so he could deliver his justice, than go after others that weren’t responsible for his loss.
Strong points:
-“She looks over at his leg with the cane leaning on it.” (p. 6) Excellent line- showing, not telling.
-“When I get angry, I stay angry.” (p. 40) Another great line. Subtle and perfect.
-Did a GREAT job of raising the stakes throughout the story. Lots of tension.
-Writing style. Made for a fast and enjoyable read.
By the way, congrats on the ROM win! I hope my comments are helpful and good luck! read -
A review of Oh Sinner Manby filmwriter karyn on 11/02/2010Overall: Interesting after a somewhat slow start. Needs better transition between storylines, but overall I enjoyed it. Here are some things you might want to look at: -Write out numbers in dialogue. (p. 1) -Rabina’s (and Neil’s) dialogue kind of sounds expositional, bottom of p. 3. -Seems dialogue-heavy. Watch out for conversations, it’s much better to have arguments... Overall: Interesting after a somewhat slow start. Needs better transition between storylines, but overall I enjoyed it.
Here are some things you might want to look at:
-Write out numbers in dialogue. (p. 1)
-Rabina’s (and Neil’s) dialogue kind of sounds expositional, bottom of p. 3.
-Seems dialogue-heavy. Watch out for conversations, it’s much better to have arguments. Conflict drives the story forward, and conversations tend to lack conflict. Shoot for your dialogue blocks to be around 4-5 lines. Break up longer ones with actions so lazy readers don’t skip over the long blocks.
-No information is conveyed in the half-page scene where George and Thomas Drummond meet up. (p. 15) I’d recommend cutting that scene and skip right to them playing tennis.
-Cut this line, it’s confusing and unnecessary: “When George serves the ball for the next point, he shouts:” (p. 16) You could edit it to, “As George serves:”
-There’s an old-timey style to some description blocks. Example: “In front of him, in a large dell of the terrain, is a hazy cloud of mist which the morning sun has not yet dispersed.” (p. 23) I’m the type of reader that doesn’t like overly descriptive or flowery descriptions- I just want to know what is seen on screen. (You can argue this is your writer’s voice, to each his own.)
-This exchange between Robert and George on p. 25-26 is weird. Robert screams “Murder!” and then gets pummeled by his brother, only for George to follow it up by saying, “Let’s part as friends.” It yo-yos around too much for me to know what’s going on.
-Should be YOUNG ROBERT introduced on the top of p. 28, and TEENAGE ROBERT on p. 33.
-Sluglines must be followed by description. (p. 38)
-Not sure you should show us the full tennis scene twice. (p. 50)
-“They talk together.” (p. 73) Show, don’t tell.
-The scene between the Lawyer Linkum, Mrs. Keeler and Robert is very hard to follow.
-If you are going to use dialogue to convey story elements, make sure this information is clear. Scrape’s ‘accent’ makes for a difficult read- I had to go back and read it over again to try to figure out what exactly he meant. (p. 88)
-Gil-Martin just said “I will never leave this country until I can carry you in triumph with me.” But follows that up with “I have been abroad.” (p. 89)
-That was a little too easy for my tastes, regarding Robert & Linton. (p. 95)
-Biggest issue for me is structure. Based off your production notes, I know you don’t want me to go off on beats and act breaks, etc. And I’m not going to. My issue isn’t with the unconventional structure, it’s that you wanted me to follow the flow… I tried. But it’s not quite there for me yet. I think there’s room for improvement in editing. The story seems to be told in chapters- first Rabina, then George, then Robert, etc. What I would have liked would have been more transition between the chapters. For example, the scenes between Mrs. Logan and Mrs. Calvert end with them saying they’re going to get justice. Yet, when they reappear 13 pages later it feels like an afterthought. I was expecting them to have some sort of a plan, and their lack of one made me feel kind of cheated. Their ‘chapter’ didn’t get a decent wrap-up.
-I would have liked some resolution on what/who Gil-Martin was. Figment of a madman? Devil?
-Totally my opinion, but Rabina’s chapter runs long. We’ve got the post-wedding scene twice, and I feel a lot of her scenes could be pared down. Most of this information is explained again in dialogue in later chapters, like the stuff about Colwan taking up with his mistress Mrs. Logan, Robert living with Wringhim, being Wringhim’s son, etc.
-The religious stuff in the beginning occasionally bordered on tedious. Only what’s relevant to the story should get to stay. Mainly, I’d recommend condensing the sermons down to a few key lines so your audience gets it without feeling like they’re being preached to.
-I’m not familiar with the source material at all, but the opening and end sequences in present day didn’t do much for me story-wise.
-If Robert is schizophrenic, I would have liked to have seen you hint at that more by showing some of the other symptoms of schizophrenia- like social isolation or deterioration of coherent speech.
Strong points:
-I hear adapting is insanely difficult, and you should be very proud of tackling such an ambitious project.
-Once I got into the story, it really captivated my attention.
-Liked the scenes where Robert dreamed he and Gil-Martin were Crusaders.
-This felt very original and unlike anything else I’ve read on here. Congrats!
-An enjoyable read, thanks!
I hope my comments are helpful and good luck! read -
A review of THREE TWO ONE THE MOVIEby filmwriter karyn on 08/21/2010Overall: Needs more conflict and obstacles. Here are some things you might want to look at: -The Leslie Ann Warren & Laurence Fishburne comment seemed kind of an odd descriptor, and even odder that you named his parents the same names. -Felt like the conversation between Emma, Gwynne and Mandy goes by rather quick. (p. 22) Emma barely says anything, and Gwynne jumps all... Overall: Needs more conflict and obstacles.
Here are some things you might want to look at:
-The Leslie Ann Warren & Laurence Fishburne comment seemed kind of an odd descriptor, and even odder that you named his parents the same names.
-Felt like the conversation between Emma, Gwynne and Mandy goes by rather quick. (p. 22) Emma barely says anything, and Gwynne jumps all over her, telling her to forget about it.
-There’s a lot of dual dialogue that could be done as one header. For example, on p. 25, it could be “EMMA & GWYNNE” above the dialogue block. I’d recommend going this route, because I had to read each line separately to determine if they said the same thing. If you go with the way described above, I get that sense immediately while reading.
-Some of the running jokes got a tiny bit tired for me. (bladder, Gwynne’s cat)
-Use Tristan’s full name in action blocks so lazy readers don’t think this is a different character. (p. 32)
-Lots of missing question marks. For example, “Is this the monthly luncheon where he gets his allowance?” (p. 32) Typos increase as the read goes on, make sure you give a good proofread.
-To be honest, I’m not really sure why Tristan and Prudence are included in the story other than comedic effect. I recommend beefing up or defining what roles they each play in the story so they don’t feel extraneous.
-Not really important to the story- but it did distract me so I thought I should mention it: the clips in the back of the sample wedding dress Emma tries on. Typically dress shops only stock 1 size of each dress, so just about every bride that tries it on has clips to cinch it up, or extenders to let out the back. Might want to hit that scene a little harder, that Emma can’t stand having something not custom made.
-Alton Brown? (p. 37) This was very confusing and the whole scene feels unnecessary. If you want to leave it, I would recommend you change it to “Alton Brown Wannabe” or similar.
-The scene between Kruger and Miss Teschmacher is exposition- he spells it out for the audience. You need to disguise it. (p. 49)
-Occasionally there was some unnatural dialogue like “How can that be?” or “Tell no one what you found.”
-The co-worker exchange on p. 58 didn’t work for me. Maybe spice it up with something snarky, I think it’s a missed opportunity for a laugh.
-So Gwynne just left his car there, and his phone? (p. 67) That doesn’t seem like something he’d do.
-The first action line at the top of p. 80 is redundant. Maybe say, “She tries the doors—they’re locked.”
-Logan’s dialogue on p. 92-93 needs to be looked at. Honestly, it felt like you were talking directly to the audience here, making sure everyone knew the characters’ arcs and resolutions.
-Biggest issue for me is that this started off SO STRONG but unfortunately went downhill. There’s a lack of meaningful conflict for the first 47 pages. What I mean is, our story is Emma getting to the bottom of the Tjurkistan money mystery. She does a lot of talking about it, but not a lot of action. And worse yet, she doesn’t encounter obstacles. She’s got great friends that do everything for her (like Jake who comes off as an unbelievable tech whiz). Nothing stands in her way.
Make Emma suffer. When she wants to get back in to the embassy intranet, Jake shouldn’t help initially. She’s got to persuade him. She should be the one getting her friends to help her, she should be the one pushing Gwynne to do investigating. And maybe she falls in love with the perfect dress, but they only make it in petite.
I had a problem with the embassy in general. It’s got to be much, much harder for them to get in and out for me to believe it. I think this is another missed opportunity here- really give our “ladies” hell and show them overcoming the surprises that get thrown at them. Think of it as a heist; they are stealing information (and Logan). Let your audience in on the planning beforehand, include us. So when the surprises do come, we wonder how these characters are going to adjust to them.
-Kruger’s fairly flat and kind of stereotypical. See if you can make your villain clever and interesting.
Okay, so I know that was a total downer to read. Please know that I was critical because you clearly know what you’re doing. So, use what you find helpful and please disregard what you don’t. Let’s get on to the good stuff!
Strong points:
-Excellent misdirect when Gwynne rescues the mannequin instead of Emma.
-I really liked a lot of your characters. I connected with Emma in a Bridget Jones kind of way, and thought Gwynne was standout great. Nice layers with these two. Laurence and Leslie could have been throwaway characters, but were surprisingly real and interesting. I also think you did a decent job of making the characters arc, which is hard enough to do with one… but you did four by my count.
-Overall, dialogue’s real nice. There are several witty exchanges and nice banter between our “girls”. Several lines made me laugh out loud. (Like the shrimp/blow job innuendo scene)
-I really loved your opening scenes. Introduction of young Gwynne and Emma was great, and the studio/fire scene was excellent. You did a wonderful job of revealing character and exposition in these two scenes while still being interesting and visual. Lots of showing rather than telling- and lots to like in those scenes.
-Probably the biggest strength for me was your writing style. You have a distinct, interesting voice and it made for an enjoyable read. Action and description lines are concise and visual- GREAT JOB!
I hope my comments are helpful and good luck! read -
A review of Anthemby filmwriter karyn on 08/18/2010I think it’s funny that you started off your review of my script by saying it was one of the most difficult ones you’ve ever had to write, because this one is the same for me. But it’s in a good way. It’s not like I’m going to criticize the story, because you’ve got excellent source material, and you crafted your script masterfully around it. Just to give you my background... I think it’s funny that you started off your review of my script by saying it was one of the most difficult ones you’ve ever had to write, because this one is the same for me. But it’s in a good way. It’s not like I’m going to criticize the story, because you’ve got excellent source material, and you crafted your script masterfully around it.
Just to give you my background regarding “Anthem”, I read it a long time ago when I was in high school, and remembered very little of it other than the general idea and the word EGO. However, my husband listens to the Free Capitalist Radio podcasts and that got him hooked on Ayn Rand last year, so we have all of her books on the bookshelf. (Auto-correct in Word keeps trying to correct the spelling of Ayn, annoying.) I pulled Anthem down and gave it a very light skim after I finished reading the script. My husband thinks it’s amusing I got assigned this, because our views of politics are very different… but that’s not really relevant… anyway, I just thought you might be curious to know how I approached the read.
I pretty much have to throw out the way I typically write reviews because I’d have a hard time applying that style to this script. A lot of what follows is going to be my personal preferences, hopefully some of it you’ll find constructive. So, here’s my reactions/notes I made while reading:
-Occasionally, there’s some flowery prose that, while very nice, doesn’t feel like it belongs in a screenplay. For example, there are two lines on p. 16: “…their white tunics in the wind are like the wings of sea-gulls beating over the black soil. The jaws of the boys drop at the sight of the women, who throw down seeds as if they deigned to fling a scornful gift and the earth was a beggar under their feet.” I see you lifted these from the material… so, that’s a tough one to say whether or not to edit/cut. You did say in your notes that you wrote this for yourself, but if you want to take this to someone else… personally, I’d say that should get edited.
-It felt like the first 25 pages were a depressing and unwavering road down story-wise. Probably you intend it this way, but if you could give it a tiny bright spot or small victory for Equality to give more peaks and valleys- that might be nice. I was emotionally drained.
-You might want to describe what is actually seen on p. 41, regarding these lines: “Equality finds on the ground by the wall a strange box with bars of metal inside with many cords and strands and coils of metal. He also finds wires that lead to another strange little globe of glass high up on the wall.” I can’t picture what this is, but I assume it would be apparent immediately onscreen to the viewer. (Light bulb and switch?)
-Typo, “pick-up” should be “pick up”. (p. 45)
-I’d edit this line, “International looks at him with pity for fear he’ll be put to death for his light.” I get what you mean, but it seems unfilmable like that. (p. 59)
-Another unfilmable to consider editing/cutting: “The leaves were their blankets for the night.” (p. 66)
-Love to see this expanded, so it’s more obvious and you don’t have to say it: “The Unity Guards suddenly enter the room and begin to take away the body of Sacrifice as this had been pre-planned.” (p. 71)
-Typo, I think you mean “alright” instead of “all right.” (p. 73)
-I’d cut “You’re right” from Union’s dialogue block, top of p. 79. I think less is more here, and his “We don’t know” becomes much more powerful on its own.
-You have two uses of they in consecutive scenes, but actually mean two different “they’s” on the middle of p. 83. Tripped me up momentarily.
-I’m not familiar with planes at all, so the specific models pulled me from the read. I couldn’t visualize. (p. 87)
-In the book, we don’t know the word ego until the final page, right? I’d love to see you make a big deal about the reveal. Maybe the poster is torn, or faded… so we only get the partial word at first. They have to seek it out and find it somewhere else in the city. Or they see “ego” signs at the rally massacre, but it doesn’t mean anything to them until they see this billboard. Just something to think about.
-p. 93, Equality’s dialogue block didn’t flow.
-Maybe edit it to read: “Many are silent. Some look like they’re turning against him.” (p. 97)
-To be honest, I felt like you used the word “weeps” a bit too much and it lost some of its impact.
-Sounded like Comet was already working with the previous scene, “Steam shoots through the funnel” (p. 106) but you say it’s working on p. 107.
-The ending kind of dragged, not a whole lot of conflict. I think you should condense p. 104-108 down into two pages.
That’s it for the notes. What an ambitious and challenging project adapting that had to be, and as I said above- I think you handled it with incredible skill. You made excellent, smart decisions, which I hear is what adapting is all about.
Did I connect with the characters? Hell yes. I was emotionally moved by the piece. The characters had “unique-ish” voices, because really, they would all kind of sound the same, wouldn’t they? But I could pick out who was talking regardless and their actions and dialogue always felt true. I particularly loved Justice’s coping mechanism (p. 81). This was an incredibly authentic moment that speaks volumes without saying a word.
Structure was great (except for the note I made about the last 4 pages) and you had obstacles at every turn for Equality, plus high stakes. Congratulations on pulling this sucker off, especially with all of the stuff you noted in your production notes (hardly any dialogue, no antagonist, etc.).
If you want to tackle another rewrite, I don’t see a whole lot of room for improvement other than the notes above- but might I suggest hitting Equality’s arc even harder in the first act? Really define that he’s a believer, and that turning point when his dream is crushed.
Well, hopefully you found some good stuff to think about. Best of luck! read -
A review of The Humane Facadeby filmwriter karyn on 08/12/2010Overall: All the right ingredients, but execution needs some work. Here are some things you might want to look at: -Usually I start with my notes as I read and then go into my “biggest issue” section of the review and talk about story. But for this script, the biggest issue for me is the large amount of format issues. (I’ve been trying to get away from talking about format... Overall: All the right ingredients, but execution needs some work.
Here are some things you might want to look at:
-Usually I start with my notes as I read and then go into my “biggest issue” section of the review and talk about story. But for this script, the biggest issue for me is the large amount of format issues. (I’ve been trying to get away from talking about format stuff because it can be nitpicky and there aren’t too many concrete rules… but this one has too many to overlook.) It seriously hurt the overall read. So here are some guidelines to follow or corrections you should consider:
-- Try to eliminate all instances of a character “starting” or “beginning” to do something. (Example: “She starts to back up, bumping into a mission worker” becomes “She backs up, bumps into a mission worker.” p. 30)
-- See if you can replace “is” or verbs ending in “ing” in action lines to make them active. (See above example)
-- Character names should only be in caps the first time they are introduced.
-- Try not to talk about the camera. Two reasons; one is that’s directing and the other is that it pulls your reader from the read. Same goes for transitions like fades or slow-motion. (Example: “Camera pans away…” p. 1)
-- Remove the Continued: header and footers from every page.
-- Incorrect placement of wrylies, they should always be on their own line. You have it right on the first 11 pages, but it’s wrong after that.
-- Weird breaks in long sections of dialogue. I assume this is to give the reader’s eye a break and not make the blocks look so long, but I’d recommend breaking them up with an action or description instead. (Example: Yuen’s monologue, p. 5-6) Ideally you want your dialogue blocks to be four or five lines long.
-- All sluglines should be followed by a description of the new location, otherwise they’re known as naked. (Example: middle of p. 101)
-- Only use DAY or NIGHT in your sluglines. (Example: p. 62)
Here are the notes:
-Is every item on the table important for the story? Might want to edit this. (p. 5)
-Why are the monks running through the house and acting like children? Is the super-soaker scene necessary storywise? Or watching Mr. Bean? Or the Bobby Darin exchange?
-Tighten up the dialogue from Mildred on p. 39. It’s a little expositional.
-The script would benefit from a clearer definition of goals for Samantha and Mildred.
-Didn’t care for the scene with the police officer. (p. 82) Jason’s reaction is pretty harsh, and I’m not sure what you were trying to say with this scene.
-There’s some unflimables in here like “Shen remembers”. Only what’s visible on screen should be included.
-EXT. SHEN’S HAND – MORNING …not a correct slugline. I think you mean INSERT, although I’d recommend just saying what you want the audience to see. (p. 112)
Okay, on to the story. It was hit and miss for me. When it’s good- it’s really good. There are some really powerful moments, like the monks sleeping outside around Samantha, or Jacob’s death. Those were crafted very well. However, there is some concern with your structure. The story seems to be about Shen and Samantha connecting, but they don’t meet for a very, very long time. Plus, Master gets so much more screentime than Shen. It felt unfocused. I noted above that you need to define the character’s goals- it’s an issue that I’m repeating because I was two-thirds of the way through this before I had any idea what the story was about.
Strong points:
-Samantha. Incredibly authentic, and I would think this character would appeal to actresses… could be a tour-de-force performance.
-When you’ve got an emotional scene, it’s unrelenting and deeply emotional.
-Everyone has unique, distinct voices. Characters were fleshed out and well developed. Excellent job!
-Since you probably can’t tell from my comments, I liked this and think you’ve got the beginnings of something great. Thanks for the read.
I hope my comments are helpful and good luck! read
Comments About filmwriter karyn 113
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rrm on 01/24/2013
Hi Karyn - thank you reading and reviewing Tribe On my draft posted prior to this one, I had Horror as a genre, and people related to it differently. You've given me some good notes, so a big thanks for those, I appreciate you taking the time.
Cheers,
Ron -
Scarpelli73 on 07/06/2011
Oh, wow, sorry... I see you have a drama up there. What was I thinking? -
Scarpelli73 on 07/06/2011
Have you considered writing a different genre?... Your writing is great. It would be nice to read something a little different from you... -
AngelB on 07/06/2011
Woohoo, Karyn! Congrats on SOM for THE RIVALRY! I'm happy I had a chance to read and review it! I love the script! Hugs -
duncanjames on 07/04/2011
Congrats on another SOM! -
tarboy on 07/03/2011
Congratulations!!!
tarboy -
Jan456 on 07/03/2011
Scarpelli73 wrote:Hey, allow me to give my 2 cents on The Rivalry, in response to the person who wrote a review, suggesting you make your protagonist a light-skinned guy... STOP please, don't do this. I am just the opposite. I HATE how everything in today's society is so damn PC... The guy's review almost made me sick.
Just thought I would throw that in. best of luck.
In this instance, it is not about being politically correct it is being
simply CORRECT. Go to the Ohio and Michigan football website
and check out the photos of the starting lineups sometime. There
are very few white guys on these lineup and none in the main pos
itions. Now I was simply making the point that in a script so heavily
drenched in the Rivalry between the Ohio and Michigan football
teams there was not one mention what so ever about any ones
color. So I have to assume she is saying they are all one color.
Sorry, but that is not believable. Possibly if she was writing about
these two teams in the 90's all of her main character could be
white but in 2011 it simply is not true or believable. By the way,
I loved this script. I just thought she needed to address this
issue one way or another to make the script stronger. -
D J Sheridan on 07/02/2011
Hi Karyn,
Congratulations on your SOM for The Rivalry...
Well deserved as it is a great story and was well written script-wise.
Dave -
MattyMustng on 07/01/2011
Great job on the SOM, Karyn! Fantastic comments from SS. Seems like you have a very viable spec there. I think I'll probably read it - given that I've lived in Ohio my whole life, the concept is immediately intriguing to me. Once again, great job, and keep it up! -
Scarpelli73 on 07/01/2011
Hey, allow me to give my 2 cents on The Rivalry, in response to the person who wrote a review, suggesting you make your protagonist a light-skinned guy... STOP please, don't do this. I am just the opposite. I HATE how everything in today's society is so damn PC... The guy's review almost made me sick.
Just thought I would throw that in. best of luck.
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Comments About filmwriter karyn 113
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Quote
Hi Karyn - thank you reading and reviewing Tribe On my draft posted prior to this one, I had Horror as a genre, and people related to it differently. You've given me some good notes, so a big thanks for those, I appreciate you taking the time.
-
Quote
Oh, wow, sorry... I see you have a drama up there. What was I thinking?
-
Quote
Have you considered writing a different genre?... Your writing is great. It would be nice to read something a little different from you...
+ more commentsrrm on 01/24/2013
Cheers,
Ron
Scarpelli73 on 07/06/2011
Scarpelli73 on 07/06/2011