a screenplay
by fleezer
Life has kicked William to the curb. Through his contentious relationship with Charlotte, he learns how to pick... more
fleezer
member since 06/15/2005 |
last login 03/19/2012
Therapist, mother, teacher, writer. Looking forward to what ever comes next....
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Therapist, mother, teacher, writer. Looking forward to what ever comes next.
Submissions by fleezer
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a screenplay by fleezerThe insufferable Lord Henry Ashford flees his family in England, searching for peace and quiet. What he gets is... more
Reviews by fleezer 227
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A review of under the snowby fleezer on 07/29/2008I liked the structure of the piece, the jumps from past to present. I thought it worked well as a way to tell this story. I think the concept, which would work in a novel, did not work well as a short story. There are too many characters introduced in too short a time, and though the plot is dramatic, I think it needs more time to develop. I think the basic characters and... I liked the structure of the piece, the jumps from past to present. I thought it worked well as a way to tell this story.
I think the concept, which would work in a novel, did not work well as a short story. There are too many characters introduced in too short a time, and though the plot is dramatic, I think it needs more time to develop. I think the basic characters and their stories are interesting, but really more suited to a novel format. For this kind of tale to work, the reader needs time to become well acquainted with the characters in order to really care about what befalls them. Because of the short story format, I felt this did not fulfill it's potential. read -
A review of The Ice Cream Manby fleezer on 07/28/2008I think the premise of the story is great. What could be scarier than taking someone who's beloved and turning him into a monster? However, I don't think the potential of the idea was reached nearly as well as it could be. For me, the writing style in general is much too passive. The choices of verb tenses are too often things like "the children were running..." instead of... I think the premise of the story is great. What could be scarier than taking someone who's beloved and turning him into a monster? However, I don't think the potential of the idea was reached nearly as well as it could be.
For me, the writing style in general is much too passive. The choices of verb tenses are too often things like "the children were running..." instead of "the children ran" or "were racing" instead of "raced". I felt the choice of words often slowed down the pace and distracted me from the immediacy of the action in the story.
I would suggest, as an example, perhaps changing your version "She was just getting into the sink full of after-dinner dishes and his father was just finishing off his plate of food when Jeff came careening into the kitchen." to something more active, like "Her hands were plunged into a sinkful of after-dinner dishes and his father's were wrapped around one last bite of chicken, when Jeff careened into the kitchen".
I'm not saying use my words, but I am saying that the writing style could be a lot more active and dramatic, which would better suit this type of story.
On P.11 I think you capture the right kind of style when you say "Oh no, he's back" and describe how the kids in the Ravine all freeze and become quiet. That was a good image with the right kind of suspensful feel.
I also feel the story would benefit by some judicious editing. Too much is given away in the begining, which mutes the suspense you're trying to create. I wouldn't mention the list or give any indication that there is anything different about THIS ice cream man in the first section of your story. Just leave us with the odd vision Jeff sees and the kids tossing out their ice cream. That's enough to get us wondering, but not enough to make us really understand what's going on yet. You want to keep us wondering for as long as possible.
I also would suggest not showing the ice cream man so soon. When Rob gets cut, I would show a jagged piece of metal on the truck and just let us hear the ice cream man's apparently sincere sounding apology, so we think it could have been an accident. And when Jeff meets the ice cream man, I would have him look friendly and pleasant UNTIL he starts writing Jeff's name on the list. That is the first time we should get a glimpse of the horror underneath. I thought the maggots under the skin were great - good build up and description.
In general, I would aim for more subtlty -an image of the bodies in the freezer is enough. You don't need to explain the obvious. It's more powerful if your readers make the connections than if you explain it all to them. And I would hold my cards much closer to my chest - not give it all away in the opening section.
I think the story idea is a good one, but it needs a rewrite to help it achieve it's full potential. Hope this helps a bit. Good luck! read -
A review of Amadi and the Phoenixby fleezer on 02/10/2008I enjoyed reading Amadi and the Phoenix. I am impressed that English is not your native language. The narrative, with a few minor exceptions, was smooth and vey readable. Some technical suggestions: Indent each new paragraph. Check sentences for missing commas. "Leant" should be "leaned" and "bend" (in the rose garden) should be "bent". As for the story, I really like the... I enjoyed reading Amadi and the Phoenix. I am impressed that English is not your native language. The narrative, with a few minor exceptions, was smooth and vey readable.
Some technical suggestions: Indent each new paragraph. Check sentences for missing commas. "Leant" should be "leaned" and "bend" (in the rose garden) should be "bent".
As for the story, I really like the idea of the thieve's guild and the character of Amadi. However this story felt more like an excerpt from a longer story than a complete story unto itself. The backstory of Yadin, her mentor relationhip wih Amadi and her subsequent betrayal by a guild member, should be delved into more fully. Also, there is clearly more to happen in the adventures of Amadi. I think this story would do much better as a novel, where you could take your time to round out the characters, use more description and slow the pace down.
I think there is great potential here. I could see the adventures of Amadi being a very successful children's series. The fantasy and adventure element is strong, there are endless possibilities of storylines and the character of a child thief, particularly a girl, is intriguing. For me, it didn't work well enough as a short story. The plot felt rushed and there wasn't enough depth, but I think that would be changed dramatically if the story didn't have to be compressed into just 14 pages. The best advice I can think to offer is to tell you to go write a book. I think the character and the story deserve more time, and I'd be delighted to read more. read
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Submissions by fleezer
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a screenplay by fleezer
Life has kicked William to the curb. Through his contentious relationship with Charlotte, he learns how to pick... more
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a screenplay by fleezer
The insufferable Lord Henry Ashford flees his family in England, searching for peace and quiet. What he gets is... more
Reviews by fleezer 227
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A review of under the snowby fleezer on 07/29/2008I liked the structure of the piece, the jumps from past to present. I thought it worked well as a way to tell this story. I think the concept, which would work in a novel, did not work well as a short story. There are too many characters introduced in too short a time, and though the plot is dramatic, I think it needs more time to develop. I think the basic characters and... I liked the structure of the piece, the jumps from past to present. I thought it worked well as a way to tell this story.
I think the concept, which would work in a novel, did not work well as a short story. There are too many characters introduced in too short a time, and though the plot is dramatic, I think it needs more time to develop. I think the basic characters and their stories are interesting, but really more suited to a novel format. For this kind of tale to work, the reader needs time to become well acquainted with the characters in order to really care about what befalls them. Because of the short story format, I felt this did not fulfill it's potential. read -
A review of The Ice Cream Manby fleezer on 07/28/2008I think the premise of the story is great. What could be scarier than taking someone who's beloved and turning him into a monster? However, I don't think the potential of the idea was reached nearly as well as it could be. For me, the writing style in general is much too passive. The choices of verb tenses are too often things like "the children were running..." instead of... I think the premise of the story is great. What could be scarier than taking someone who's beloved and turning him into a monster? However, I don't think the potential of the idea was reached nearly as well as it could be.
For me, the writing style in general is much too passive. The choices of verb tenses are too often things like "the children were running..." instead of "the children ran" or "were racing" instead of "raced". I felt the choice of words often slowed down the pace and distracted me from the immediacy of the action in the story.
I would suggest, as an example, perhaps changing your version "She was just getting into the sink full of after-dinner dishes and his father was just finishing off his plate of food when Jeff came careening into the kitchen." to something more active, like "Her hands were plunged into a sinkful of after-dinner dishes and his father's were wrapped around one last bite of chicken, when Jeff careened into the kitchen".
I'm not saying use my words, but I am saying that the writing style could be a lot more active and dramatic, which would better suit this type of story.
On P.11 I think you capture the right kind of style when you say "Oh no, he's back" and describe how the kids in the Ravine all freeze and become quiet. That was a good image with the right kind of suspensful feel.
I also feel the story would benefit by some judicious editing. Too much is given away in the begining, which mutes the suspense you're trying to create. I wouldn't mention the list or give any indication that there is anything different about THIS ice cream man in the first section of your story. Just leave us with the odd vision Jeff sees and the kids tossing out their ice cream. That's enough to get us wondering, but not enough to make us really understand what's going on yet. You want to keep us wondering for as long as possible.
I also would suggest not showing the ice cream man so soon. When Rob gets cut, I would show a jagged piece of metal on the truck and just let us hear the ice cream man's apparently sincere sounding apology, so we think it could have been an accident. And when Jeff meets the ice cream man, I would have him look friendly and pleasant UNTIL he starts writing Jeff's name on the list. That is the first time we should get a glimpse of the horror underneath. I thought the maggots under the skin were great - good build up and description.
In general, I would aim for more subtlty -an image of the bodies in the freezer is enough. You don't need to explain the obvious. It's more powerful if your readers make the connections than if you explain it all to them. And I would hold my cards much closer to my chest - not give it all away in the opening section.
I think the story idea is a good one, but it needs a rewrite to help it achieve it's full potential. Hope this helps a bit. Good luck! read -
A review of Amadi and the Phoenixby fleezer on 02/10/2008I enjoyed reading Amadi and the Phoenix. I am impressed that English is not your native language. The narrative, with a few minor exceptions, was smooth and vey readable. Some technical suggestions: Indent each new paragraph. Check sentences for missing commas. "Leant" should be "leaned" and "bend" (in the rose garden) should be "bent". As for the story, I really like the... I enjoyed reading Amadi and the Phoenix. I am impressed that English is not your native language. The narrative, with a few minor exceptions, was smooth and vey readable.
Some technical suggestions: Indent each new paragraph. Check sentences for missing commas. "Leant" should be "leaned" and "bend" (in the rose garden) should be "bent".
As for the story, I really like the idea of the thieve's guild and the character of Amadi. However this story felt more like an excerpt from a longer story than a complete story unto itself. The backstory of Yadin, her mentor relationhip wih Amadi and her subsequent betrayal by a guild member, should be delved into more fully. Also, there is clearly more to happen in the adventures of Amadi. I think this story would do much better as a novel, where you could take your time to round out the characters, use more description and slow the pace down.
I think there is great potential here. I could see the adventures of Amadi being a very successful children's series. The fantasy and adventure element is strong, there are endless possibilities of storylines and the character of a child thief, particularly a girl, is intriguing. For me, it didn't work well enough as a short story. The plot felt rushed and there wasn't enough depth, but I think that would be changed dramatically if the story didn't have to be compressed into just 14 pages. The best advice I can think to offer is to tell you to go write a book. I think the character and the story deserve more time, and I'd be delighted to read more. read -
A review of RAPTURE OF THE FALLEN Verse 1: Genesisby fleezer on 10/12/2006There was a lot I liked in this screenplay. The opening image dissolving into "I create evil" is chilling. I also loved Moloch's speech near the end where he completely redefines God and Satan/good and evil in a believable way. That will get a whole lot of people really upset, but I thought it was very effective. I think the premise of the story is good, but I had problems... There was a lot I liked in this screenplay. The opening image dissolving into "I create evil" is chilling. I also loved Moloch's speech near the end where he completely redefines God and Satan/good and evil in a believable way. That will get a whole lot of people really upset, but I thought it was very effective.
I think the premise of the story is good, but I had problems with the way it's executed. I think some of this stems from the writers' trying to use this story as a set-up for later sequels. I felt the story lost it's focus several times along the way, or rather changed it's focus by introducing new storylines and abandoning others.
An example of this is Arman's story. He was a big factor in the begining, being set up as a real opponent of the vampires. We got a glimpse of him and his son later on, and then he was gone for the rest of the story. I had the same problem with Lucy and with the vampire hunter organization. All these things felt like set-ups for a future movie, which left them feeling not only unresolved in this one, but forced in, as if they weren't really necessary.
I also thought the story was too large in scope and would have been more effective if it had a narrower focus. I would suggest cutting much of the middle, starting where you did, but then jumping all the way to the present, without all the interim glimpses. I think the same thing can be accomplished, but you'll have a much tighter story. To me, the main storyline should be the relationship between Moloch, Noah and Orthos, the growing tension between them and Moloch ultimately being forced to chose one side or the other. To me, there was too much in the screenplay that detracted from the main story and weakened it.
On the plus side, I think there is a novel and riveting story here. I like the religous elements that were brought in. The entire piece is very well written, quickly paced and enjoyable to read. My main suggestion for improvement is to really think about fleshing out your main storyline and take out things that are only there to set up future installments. You can set them up in later screenplays as necessary, but it makes this story feel like it's not focused enough.
Notes:
1. Great opening!
2. Orthos - what sex is the character? It's not immediately clear.
3. humanly desires sounds odd, how about human desires?
4. Noah is described as 4 and then he says he's 9. Is this intentional? If so, I don't get it.
5. How does Noah share Moloch's blood? I thought his father was Jonas.
6. I'm not understanding the reason for all the montages of devestation. So far, it's distracting.
7. How do the vampire hunters know where to find the vampires? If they already knew where the vampires were, why didn't they attack them earlier? I think this aspect can use more fleshing out.
8. Chin asking Lucy to work for him is too abrupt. I'd like to see this part of the story more fleshed out too.
9. I think Moloch deciding to kill Noah has to have much more emotional intensity. I'd spend more time on the interaction between Moloch and Noah. Maybe even have Moloch actually fight Orthos for leadership, thereby saving the half-breeds, but then realizing he needs to kill them after all. It's a key scene. I think it could be more powwerful.
Good luck with this story. I think the writing is strong and it has a lot to offer, but needs a rewrite to make it as powerful as it can really be. read -
A review of Palms in the Desert (rev2)by fleezer on 06/01/2006I didn't want to read this SP because I really don't enjoy violence and gore, but one of my other assignments is in a format I can't read and the other is also a horror SP, so I was stuck. My expectations were low, but I was very pleasantly surprised. This is a very well-written screenplay. I like the style of the author, particularly in the descriptions. And the story did... I didn't want to read this SP because I really don't enjoy violence and gore, but one of my other assignments is in a format I can't read and the other is also a horror SP, so I was stuck. My expectations were low, but I was very pleasantly surprised. This is a very well-written screenplay. I like the style of the author, particularly in the descriptions. And the story did a fantastic job of building suspense. I found myself involved and wanting to know what was going to happen next. A job well done, kudos!
I'll mention a couple of nit-picky things first and then talk about two major changes I would suggest making.
1. It's wierd that Martin doesn't ask about Sherriff Burke. I would add a quick query for the sake of realism.
2. I personally dislike showing a flashback within another flashback. It's too hard to stay involved in the story. The main story here doesn't start until p. 9, the rest is backstory. I would suggest rethinking this, if possible and coming back to it after the current story has been set up.
3. p. 10 Belinda "stays in shape and chain-smokes" needs to be translated into something we can see or hear. Also, on p. 11 Belinda continues to smoke, but you haven't had her smoking previously, inless that's what you meant when you said she chain-smokes. It could be clearer.
4. The names Belinda and Bonnie are too similar. Though it said Bonnie, for the entire montage from p. 49-55 I was picturing the Belinda character.
5. I never really understood why Belinda was having Martin followed. Was it because she was having dreams about him? This could be made clearer. It also didn't make sense to me that she'd bring him all the way to her penthouse only to tell him about Leonard and then tell him he should go home. At the time, I thought she was setting him up and wanted him to go to Boston. The scene just felt wrong.
As for the larger issues, I thought this story was put together very well until p. 49, when there is that long series of newspaper headlines and flashbacks. I found all of this confusing. The storyline was clear, but I didn't understand what we were seeing on the screen. It seemed like what should have been shown was the content of the newspaper articles, but what we saw went beyond the info. that would have been in the paper, so what were we seeing? If we were seeing the actual past, then framing it with newspaper headlines didn't fit. Like Bonnie gasping over the image of Emily Thatch opening the meat freezer. That image wouldn't have been in the newspaper, as Emily was alone when it occurred.
On p. 52 the headline reads "Thatch Prints Match Hacker Slaying", but later, Det. Al says sbout her "Nothing matches. Not one damn set of prints." I was left confused. Then there was a fairly abrupt segue into a series of violent murders with the detectives making arrests, and I was left wondering if we were still in the montage or back to the present somehow. The news headlines were gone, so it felt like a different section. Yet the montage didn't end until later, after Pryce's arrest.
I think the entire section from p. 49 to p. 55 should be rethought. While it adds to the story, the material is presented in a confusing way. It's not only confusing reading it, but I actually think it would be more confusing seeing it on screen. Perhaps Bonnie can look at the headlines and then have Martin relate the rest of the info. to her. He was around at the time. He could start with a brief V.O. and then you could go into the re-enactments. The rest of the story is so well put together up until that point, I was really surprised to find myself derailed like that.
My second complaint is the ending. The build up is great and it needs an ending that is at least as powerful as the rest of the story. What I half expected is that Belinda was actually the power behind everything and she used Martin as a pawn to do away with Leonard. If you chose not to go that way, I really suggest you make the scene between Martin and Leonard much more dramatic. This is a power to be reckoned with, this is the showdown we've been waiting for the entire film, so you need to give us something memorable. I strongly suggest rethinking what you have and going with something stronger.
So, that's it. It's a tribute to your writing abilities that this piece grabbed my attention and drew me in. I truly don't like these kinds of stories, but this one is very good. I would think about making some changes in the structure and ending, but other than that, it feels like it's ready to go. Best of luck with it. read -
A review of Nuclearby fleezer on 05/31/2006I'll start with my notes and then give a summary at the end. 1. Why start with annimation? This seemed an odd opening, given the scene that immediately followed and left me feeling puzzled on the first page about what this was about and where it was going to go. 2. Okay, on p. 4 it feels like the story is finally starting. I found the pages preceeding this to be very confusing... I'll start with my notes and then give a summary at the end.
1. Why start with annimation? This seemed an odd opening, given the scene that immediately followed and left me feeling puzzled on the first page about what this was about and where it was going to go.
2. Okay, on p. 4 it feels like the story is finally starting. I found the pages preceeding this to be very confusing. Bryan is narrating and we're seeing images on the screen, but if we're not reading the script, we won't know who any of the characters onscreen are. We won't know who is Tommy, who is McGreevy, etc. and I think this would just result in audience confision. Also, by not labeling FLASHBACKS, it's confusing for the reader to follow. The opening pages are important, so I suggest rethinking how to present them. Either cut them out completely, as they're not really necessary to the story, or make them more compelling and less confusing. Seeing characters we know nothing about being killed doesn't have much impact. I would suggest waiting until these events come up in the context of the story.
3. p. 7 There's a SUPER of a nuclear explosion in Japan, then we cut to Bryan reading, then we cut to the story in Bryan's comic book. I found the way this scene was written difficult to follow.
I read the synopsis after I read the SP and understand what you're trying to do with the annimation throughout the piece, but it didn't work for me. I didn't see the annimation as an attempt by Bryan to retreat into fantasy. If that's the function of it, it still needs more work to make it clear. Reading the SP without knowing the purpose of the annimation in advance made me question why it was being included every time it was there.
4. p. 11 It becomes clear in the scene that Buddy is Ed and Larry's boss, no need to include that info. in the narrative. Also, watch the tense in the narrative. It would be a good idea to go back over all of it and change all the "ing" verbs into present tense.
5. p. 20 The cutting to the TV show is confusing in the way it's written.
6. p. 23 Ed's home? I thought he was supposed to be out of town for the weekend. Why doesn't Kate say anything to him about this?
7. p. 26 Ed's comment to Kate about not getting her a drink because he's fixing dinner, etc. is incredibly rude. I would expect someone to react to it in some way.
8. Okay, I'm past page 30 and I still don't know who the protagonist is. None of the characters are likable and I don't care about any of them yet. I don't see any clear turning point into act 2. I'm still not sure what the direction or point of this story is, largely because I'm unclear about whose story it is. All of this should be laid out by this point in the script.
9, p. 44 Did Tommy not come home all night after being hit and then show up at school the next day? What did he do all night? Why would he go to school? What's his mother doing? Why didn't she look for him. This isn't feeling realistic.
10. p. 48 I don't think Mrs. Colter would talk about Phil having been in trouble at his funeral. It's not believable, so it comes off as pure exposition.
11. p. 56 Haley says Tommy was over at her house a couple of days ago? He's been missing for days? Why are we not seeing his parents looking for him, especially his mom. What has she been doing? Her son is accused of causing a fatal accident and he's disappeared. She would be looking for him, wouldn't she? And what happened to Ed? He said he was going to leave, but that was days ago and we haven't heard anything from him since. It feels like there's a huge hole in the story at this point.
12. p. 58 The conversation between Tommy and Bryan about their dad isn't realistic to me. He's their father and yet they talk about him as if he means nothing to them. Their parents are splitting up, Tommy's in serious trouble, but there's no emotional content to the discussion. I would think these kids would be upset, to say the least, especially Bryan.
13. p. 75 "sole" should be "soul"
Well, this is one of those stories that I finish and don't feel much of anything. I think part of that is a reflection of the lack of emotional tone in the story. The characters are well-spoken, but don't seem to have a realistic emotional side to them. It is also a major problem for me that there is no sympathetic protagonist. The character we spend the most time with is Tommy, who is completely unlikable. His act of self-sacrifice came too late to make any change in how I felt about him. Bryan is supposed to be the protagonist, according to the synopsis, but he feels like a secondary character for most of the story. And even Bryan is not a sympathetic hero. He never takes charge of anything, is never procactive. And though I followed the story, I never got a clear idea of what it was about, what it was trying to say. It just didn't work for me. Perhaps others will have a different take on it.
I do think if you do a rewrite it would help to bring out one character as the clear protagonist, to give him a true character arc and to make him proactive in deciding his fate. None of the characters did this. For me, the Buddy storyline didn't really add much to the story, and only diluted the strength of the main storyline. I would suggest cutting it and devoting more space to fleshing out the other characters and stories. Best of luck with it. read -
A review of The Mighty Misfit Kidsby fleezer on 05/30/2006I saw this has been on the Top 10. I think that's because of two things, a good, interesting storyline and memorable characters. I think there's a potentially marketable screenplay waiting to emerge from what still feels like a bit of an early draft to me. I took some notes and have some comments that are meant to give ideas to strengthen what is already here. There are also... I saw this has been on the Top 10. I think that's because of two things, a good, interesting storyline and memorable characters. I think there's a potentially marketable screenplay waiting to emerge from what still feels like a bit of an early draft to me. I took some notes and have some comments that are meant to give ideas to strengthen what is already here. There are also some basic stylistic and formatting changes that are easy to make that will help this piece read more professionally. I hope my comments don't come across as overly negative, because I did enjoy reading this and think it is well on it's way to becoming a great family story.
First the easy stuff - The narrative needs to be reworked. All action should be put into the active, present tense, so "there are two people arguing" would become "two people argue", etc. Basically all the "ing" verbs should be changed to present tense. I would also weed out all commentary regarding character's thoughts and unfilmable info. such as "Alex - a master scammer and manipulator" from the narrative. When we see Alex in action, we'll figure out the scammer part, don't tell us in the narrative. I would steer clear of addressing the reader in your narrative by saying things like "We see..." or "Think of him as...". When comments are phrased in this way, it takes the reader out of the story and reminds him that he's reading a script...not a good thing.
I don't think "CONTINUED" is needed at the bottom of the pages any longer. Also, VO should be written as (V.O.) If a year is important, it needs to be shown in a SUPER or referred to in dialog. Including it in the narrative means the audience wouldn't ever know the year, since they only see what is on the screen. And lastly, this piece still needs some proofing for spelling errors. I saw a few, but only wrote down p. 5 TEAM should be TEAMS.
I think the biggest problem the current version has is structure. It starts with a long written narrative and then moves into a long voice over sequence, which would probably translate to almost five minutes of the audience sitting though introductory exposition before they'll feel like the movie is actually starting. I would definitely suggest rethinking this idea. A lot of time is given to setting the scene in New York, and while it is interesting reading, I think it hurts the structure of the story. The story doesn't really start until the kids board the train. I would spend as little time in NYC as possible to set up the characters and get them on their way. There is no need to set up New York when the story takes place elsewhere.
In fact, most books say that the story should be set up by page 25-30. For your story, I think this means the children, chapperones and the bad guys all need to be introduced, be on board the train and the treasure map seen or alluded to by the end of act one. Then act two should be the kids bonding, deciding to try to get the map, etc. and act three would be the kids going after the treasure. These three acts are there in your current version, but I think the pacing is off. I would strongly suggest getting hold of one of the many books about structure and looking at what your turning points are, where they should go, etc. I think it would result in a tighter, faster paced story.
Carl is introduced early on, and we are led to believe he'll be our protagonist, but then the story moves on and he becomes lost in a myriad of other characters. I know this is basically an ensemble piece, but I think it would help to choose a protagonist, and I would suggest Alex. She seems to stand out from the other children in the version you have. I would suggest strengthening that, losing all the voice over and telling the story through Alex's eyes. In fact, starting the story with the great scene at Alex's school might be a good idea. She's an immediately engaging character and has a stronger presence than Carl.
I think you've done a good job with characterization, which is not an easy task when there are so many characters. Each child is unique and memorable, which is a strength of this piece. The only character that did not seem consistant was Jimmy. He seemed pretty amusing in the church office, but then turned into someone else on the train. I think he needs to have a stronger, more consistant character. And I would show more moments of warmth with the kids before he "betrays" them later on.
I strongly suggest taking out the scene with the money scam in the store, as it seems lifted right out of PAPER MOON. I think you need to come up with something more original. In general, I think your second act needs to include much more humor and to build tension from scene to scene. Right now it feels kind of eposodic. If this is geared to a family audience, the second act is where you want people laughing and really getting to like the Misfits. There is some of that, but not enough to maintain a good pace throughout. I would suggest having the kids aware of the treasure map by the end of act one, and spending most of act two trying to get it, first on their own, and then later as a group when they realize they need each other to succeed. This is done now in episodes, like when Caroline got food for them, but I think it would be better to have their bonding focused on a single goal, getting the map. And there should be a strong consequence if they can't get the map, like they'll be sent to an orphan's home in California if they're not adopted and have no money. Something to give their situation more urgency.
Aside from the larger structural issues, I only had a few comments. Sister Irene getting sick seemed too coincidential after the other nun getting sick earlier. I would come up with a different scenario for one of them. In the end, the kids had a bunch of money, enough to buy the ranch. I somehow missed where that money came from. They didn't get to keep the treasure since the cop showed up, so where did the money come from? On the same track, how could Carl's Mom and Mr. Chang afford train tickets? Minor things, but they nagged at me.
So, I think this story has much to recommend it, but it could be a lot tighter focused with more humor and dramatic conflict. To me, it still seems a few rewrites from being all it could be, but it's off to a strong start. I wish you all the best with it. read -
A review of Regular Army (rev)by fleezer on 05/12/2006This is a very cleanly written screenplay. I take notes as I read and only have three. 1. p. 4 "Ut-oh" I think should be "Uh-oh" 2. There are a lot of minor characters in this piece. It would help to keep them straight if you use the same name in your narrative as you do in your character heading - eg. Sgt. Marquez and CHRIS are the same, so just give us one name throughout,... This is a very cleanly written screenplay. I take notes as I read and only have three.
1. p. 4 "Ut-oh" I think should be "Uh-oh"
2. There are a lot of minor characters in this piece. It would help to keep them straight if you use the same name in your narrative as you do in your character heading - eg. Sgt. Marquez and CHRIS are the same, so just give us one name throughout, unless he's being referred to in actual dialog.
3. There are too many "unfilmables" in the narrative, ranging from character's thoughts and emotions, to things like army rank. A few scattered throughout the piece is okay, but I think it's worth a check to clean up the narrative more.
Okay, as for the story itself, I think it's a good concept, but the story didn't exploit it as well as it could have. I would suggest hiding the fact that Lisa's gay until as late in the story as possible. The way it's now presented, there is almost no conflict or suspense until very late in the story. I would have Lisa's being faced with the situation between the two male privates (sorry, I don't remember their names) as the turning point into act 2. This should, in my opinion, be the focus of the story. How these men are dealt with, what the army wants to do with them, how Lisa tries to handle the situation, the kinds of conflicts this sets up for her both internally and externally, how this affects her career, etc. are all storylines worth persuing.
I see the love story between Lisa and Kelly as a secondary plot. It doesn't really have much dramatic conflict and, in my opinion, isn't strong enough to drive the story. But if it were incorporated in the story of the two privates, if we didn't know Lisa was gay when she's having to make decisions re. the privates, risking her career, standing up to the General and the unspoken attitude of the army, etc. while trying to come to terms with her own relationship and the secrecy of it, then suddenly the story is rife with conflict and tension. And if the audience gradually finds out about Lisa's relationship with Kelly and that's tied into what's going on in the Army/privates story, I think the entire piece would be much stronger.
But sticking with the story as written, I found the immediate attraction and subsequent relationship between Lisa and Kelly to be too abrupt. If the story is going to be focused on their love, then the building of their relationship becomes integral to the plot. We need to see them getting to know each other, see their relationship developing, feel that there's something at stake, understand the risks they're taking. The relationship is the story, so it needs to grip the reader emotionally, and I don't feel the relationship between Lisa and Kelly did that. Yes, they had an intense physical attraction, but what else was there that held them together? We need to be privvy to it, to experience it with them.
I also think the dialog, in general needs to be kicked up a notch. There is too much chit chat that can be cut, and not enough of substance and subtlty in the conversations between the characters. I felt that their personalities were hinted at, but not fully explored. And I think you can do much more with them.
So, I think this piece has everything it needs to be a compelling story, but it needs restructuring and strengthing of both the story and the characters. I think the writer knows her craft. The writing is good, the pace is good, it's a smooth easy read, but for me, it fell kind of flat. However, I think with more work, it can become something much stronger. It's an interesting story and one worth telling. I don't remember any other films about gay women in the military, and think this is timely and would find an audience. Best of luck. read -
A review of The Fisherman's Ring(V-2)by fleezer on 05/09/2006This is my second time reading this screenplay. I went back over my review of the previous version and feel some of the same comments apply to this revision. I won't readdress most of them, because you've clearly made a decision to rewrite the piece that way you have without making some of the changes recommended. However I do want to express again my concern about Sharon's... This is my second time reading this screenplay. I went back over my review of the previous version and feel some of the same comments apply to this revision. I won't readdress most of them, because you've clearly made a decision to rewrite the piece that way you have without making some of the changes recommended. However I do want to express again my concern about Sharon's character. She is introduced relatively late in the story. Her relationship with her family has problems that are never adequately explored or resolved in anything other than a superficial way. Her relationship with Shombay also does not feel genuine. It does not seem that she would risk her marriage to go to an unknown and dangerous situation in Liberia in order to get information for Shombay. I don't see the Sharon storyline as being integral to the plot and would suggest cutting it. However, if she is to be included, I think her story needs more depth. When juxtaposed against the other characters, she comes across as noticably thin and superficial in the way she's portrayed.
I was struck again by the quality of the writing of this piece. It's very good. The scenes in Liberia are completely engrossing. But this creates a problem. For me, the Liberian scenes are much more interesting than the scenes in Italy. Liberia is the story I want to see, but it's not the main story that this screenplay is striving to tell. And this is a problem. The only way to resolve it is to somehow make the scenes of Vatican intrigue as powerful as the scenes of violence and heroics in Liberia. The screenplay feels out of balance, with Liberia being much more compelling, but the Vatican being the focus of the story. I think there is some repetition in the Vatican scenes that can still be cut out, so perhaps more can be added to the Liberia storyline, giving the piece a better balance.
My overall impression after reading this screenplay was that it was an interesting, well-written story, but it still wasn't as strong as it should be. I think the above mentioned balance of storylines is part of the problem. I also didn't think Shombay is enough of a heroic figure to carry the plot. For an African to be nominated Pope, he would have to be exceptional. Here is a man who helped bring a sadistic dictator to power. He is a man who is obsessed about the plight of his country and people, instead of looking upon the world as his community. I don't know that this is a man who should be Pope. For this story to work, I think the audience needs to see Shombay as almost a Saint-like figure. Coming from Liberia, he has so much to overcome. There would have to be something enormously compelling to make him a viable candidate for Pope or to get him seriously considered by the conservative cardinals, including Father Bertrand. Throughout the story, I remained unconvinced that Shombay was such a man. There were some nice scenes...the lovely scene in Liberia with the boy with the gun and the nice scene at the restaurant in Italy, but there is too much of uncertain nature in Shombay's past, not matter how he has tried to make up for it in the present.
I also had trouble with the ending...not that Shombay was shot, but by Augustus (I think that was his name) hating him enough to kill him and being a good enough shot to do it. If this is to work, I think we need some background on Agustus, on what motivates him, what his background is, etc. When the murder comes out of the blue like that at the end of the story, it feels like a cheat. With more of a build up, it might work better.
I took some notes as I read which may prove helpful:
1. The extra commentary in the narrative is distracting from the flow of the story. Things like "It's a place the would make even a beggar on the subway count his blessings" and "It's the kind of shock where you can only look" serve to remind us that we're reading a story instead of letting us feel that we're experiencing it. Since your writing, in general, is very effective at involving the reader in the story, comments like this are quite noticable and, in my opinion, should be cut.
2. Is Shombay royalty? If he is, you need to make that clear. If not, perhaps say he carries himself like royalty, or has a regal bearing, so there's no confusion.
3. Are the times listed for the Pope's activities important? If so, they need to be SUPER-ed on the screen. If not, it might be better not to include them in the SP.
4. The scenes of the Pope's day describe moments of talking, but no dialog is written. If it's a montage, make this clear. If not, I think you need to write out the dialog.
5. p. 20 Is Sharon announcing the Pope's death on TV? It's unclear.
6. p. 29 Are there three coffins? I'm confused.
7. The first half of act 2 feels slow. The arrival of all the Cardinals and all the talking bogs things down after the dynamic opening act. Try to think of a way to tell more of the story visually and with more action. (I have no suggestions how to accomplish this...sorry).
8. p. 72 You say "Bertrand" but I think you mean "Francesco" in the narrative.
9. p. 73 Sharon should be capitalized.
So, that's it for notes. I think this story still can be made stronger. There are a lot of important issues addressed, Shombay is a strong character, the Liberian story and the election of an African Pope with new ideas are all interesting. I think the balance of the two stories needs to be worked on. This version seemed to tie the two stories together better. I think that aspect can be addressed even more. Perhaps some specifics on how the church can actually have an effect in Liberia in a practical sense. What, specifically, Shombay wants the church to do. It would help to tie up the story at the end.
I love the way you write. This was, again, an enjoyable read. I wish you the best with it. read -
A review of Extreme Adventures In Exotic Excellenceby fleezer on 05/08/2006First, I want to say that I really enjoyed reading this screenplay. They writing style is fun, the dialog and characterizations unique and believable and the twists and pacing of the story made me want to keep reading until the end. It is a nice piece of work that showcases the writer's skill. I loved the wacky names of the characters. The Baby Monster gang was hysterical... First, I want to say that I really enjoyed reading this screenplay. They writing style is fun, the dialog and characterizations unique and believable and the twists and pacing of the story made me want to keep reading until the end. It is a nice piece of work that showcases the writer's skill.
I loved the wacky names of the characters. The Baby Monster gang was hysterical. The frenetic pace of the story was somehow kept up through the entire SP. Really, I liked everything I read, so take my comments with that in mind.
My main concern about the story is that Spider is such a passive protagonist. I know that is part of the premise of the story...the itsy bitsy Spider thing. But everything I've ever read and all the comments I've seen on TS stress the need to have an active protagonist. So perhaps you should think about allowing Spider to become more proactive as the story progresses. It would give him a true character arc, which is somewhat missing now. And your audience would probably root for him to take a more active role, at least during the final act of the screenplay.
I only had a few minor suggestions as I read. The scene at the police station didn't ring true for me. I would believe they'd take Spider in to question him, get him patched up and find him a ride home, but why would they arrest him? They could easily test him for alcohol consumption, and he would have told them that he was attacked, so why arrest him?
I found the flashback at O'Connor's bar to be unnecessary, and would have preferred to have that story explained with just a few lines of dialog. That would leave the only flashback as Romeo's stroy, which I think would be better structurally.
Also, opening with the guy in the drunk tank and Spider's VO, I expected to somehow end up with that guy as well, just for balance in the story.
So, that's it. It was a fun read and an engaging story, but I think that's more because of your writing style and engaging characters than the strength of the story. I would like to see Spider change and grow by the end of the piece. I think it would make a stronger story and one that would resonate more with your audience. Still, it's a wonderful piece of writing. I'm rating your dialog "excellent" which I've never done in over 120 reviews. Congrats on the Top 10 spot! Best of luck with it. read
Comments About fleezer 13
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micmacmoviemaker on 08/03/2008
fleezer wrote:Hey, thanks for the greeting. I see you've been busy. Are you a lawyer yet?
Not yet - just entering 3rd year this Fall. Also, I'm transferring from Ottawa U to Michigan State University.
busy busy.... -
Bmaddox on 07/30/2008
Re: Summer Breeze
I'm glad you picked up on the malnourished/menstrual relationship.
I was hoping the circumstances would raise the possibility in the reader's mind that nature's course would quite likely be delayed, by years even, thus making it a distinct possibility the age of the girl could be eighteen or above. I decided not to allude to it directly, and, regardless, nothing could possibly mitigate the horrific events. It was mostly just for myself, I suppose, since I was a little horrified at the idea but felt compelled to write it, anyway.
Cheers -
micmacmoviemaker on 07/29/2008
Good to see you back. :) -
Christopher Smith on 07/29/2008
Thanks for the review of "The Ice Cream Man". I appreciate your hanging in their for 33 pages.
Chris -
David Muhlfelder on 02/27/2008
fleezer wrote:Wait...I just saw that you got ANOTHER SOM nomination...WOW!!! Way to go, viddy droog!!!
See what you've been missing? -
David Muhlfelder on 02/27/2008
Long time, no viddy, droog. -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 02/19/2008
Thanks so much for your generous review. And I appreciate the kind words. Enjoy the day! Tom -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 02/11/2008
You bet, anytime!
You haven't even seen busy from me, yet! ;)
Glad to see you back!
Jason -
Dana Brunetti on 02/10/2008
Welcome back! -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 02/10/2008
There you IS.
:-)
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Comments About fleezer 13
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fleezer wrote:
Hey, thanks for the greeting. I see you've been busy. Are you a lawyer yet?
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Re: Summer Breeze
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Good to see you back. :)
+ more commentsmicmacmoviemaker on 08/03/2008
Not yet - just entering 3rd year this Fall. Also, I'm transferring from Ottawa U to Michigan State University.
busy busy....
Bmaddox on 07/30/2008
I'm glad you picked up on the malnourished/menstrual relationship.
I was hoping the circumstances would raise the possibility in the reader's mind that nature's course would quite likely be delayed, by years even, thus making it a distinct possibility the age of the girl could be eighteen or above. I decided not to allude to it directly, and, regardless, nothing could possibly mitigate the horrific events. It was mostly just for myself, I suppose, since I was a little horrified at the idea but felt compelled to write it, anyway.
Cheers
micmacmoviemaker on 07/29/2008