forseti

Nice ending

A review of Bob's Big Bet

by forseti on 02/11/2010

Firstly, some thoughts as I was reading this: 1 – what a slowpoke – very unnatural bit of dialogue. 1 – how could Bob not see them coming? He’s hitting 110 miles on fourth gear. The roar should be insane. 1 – why was he so pissed that a car passed him? He’s on the frickin highway. 2 – “Whoa, was that guy fast, or what?” is this Bob’s thoughts or the narrator’s? Only acceptable... Firstly, some thoughts as I was reading this:

1 – what a slowpoke – very unnatural bit of dialogue.
1 – how could Bob not see them coming? He’s hitting 110 miles on fourth gear. The roar should be insane.
1 – why was he so pissed that a car passed him? He’s on the frickin highway.
2 – “Whoa, was that guy fast, or what?” is this Bob’s thoughts or the narrator’s? Only acceptable if Bob’s, but it is not clear.
2 – “believe me when I tell you” – unless this is an actual first person narrator, do not do this.
2 – it only took him ten minutes from a blinking gas light to running out of gas?
2 – still as a statue – cliché
2 – dehydration could kill him, so I would say the problem is quite serious
3 – fiddlesticks just sounds ludicrous from a woman driving a Jag. Lady in a senior home, on the other hand.
4 – only know I figured out that the woman doesn’t know him. “I found you” indicates familiarity.
6 – you keep not indenting a lot of your paragraphs
7 – it just seems incredibly odd that Bob is working for the champ and not traveling with his entourage.

First off, I would say that I do like the twist. You lead up to it but not in a way that’s obvious, so when it hits, it’s enjoyable. The problem is though, it is not entirely tenable. Firstly, they were both in the champ’s team, they should have been travelling together. They should have at least known each other, or in the least, met in the corner and went “hey, so what are you doing here?” so him seeing Mary for the first time when she jumped in does not sound very realistic.
Also, I’m guessing there will a drug test involved at some point (maybe), and the champ will surely fail.

Another issue I have is with the fact that mary makes no sense. Who took everything? Why did they leave the jag? Why was she so excited to see a tired man with no vehicle walking on the side of the road? That said, Bob has a nice backstory.

Your writing is a little off, as well. Like I already mentioned, the narrator has a tone that is too casual. You frequently resolve to clichés in terms of what people do and how they do it. Your story could use a little more description and flavour to flesh out the plot.

All in all a promising effort, but still a ways to go. read

review

A review of On the Subject of My Transformation

by forseti on 02/11/2010

Firstly, some thoughts as I was reading this: 1 – if she was bear foot, why did he automatically assuming she was selling? I would automatically assume she was strange. 2 – the paragraph that begins with “I’ve seen this once” before – very very confusing. Switching from a toy to a real squirrel in mid-paragraph. What is going on? 4 – kissing in the ballpit. It is sudden. And... read

Satire falls flat

A review of A Presidential Short (Rewrite)

by forseti on 02/11/2010

Firstly, some thoughts as I was reading this: 1 - *the* head of the table 1 – “president’s” side 1 – right hand/left hand distinction is entirely pointless 2 – your “turrist” just sounds like “tourist” and nothing like terrorist 2 – the random violence involving the servant is just not funny 3 – why is the servant even there? Seems classified to me. Very annoying 4 – working/sleep... read

Confusion abounds

A review of Emily and Tara

by forseti on 02/11/2010

First, some thoughts as I was reading the story: Write out “12th” as “twelfth” Loud “popping” noise “Since the initial noise there had only been silence.” – this is an incomplete sentence whose significance is hard to discern. Not entirely clear how she knows that the door was repainted multiple times. “I set down my can and resorted to both hands.” – an example of a very... First, some thoughts as I was reading the story:

Write out “12th” as “twelfth”
Loud “popping” noise
“Since the initial noise there had only been silence.” – this is an incomplete sentence whose significance is hard to discern.
Not entirely clear how she knows that the door was repainted multiple times.
“I set down my can and resorted to both hands.” – an example of a very mechanical sentence that seem to plague your story
Speed-dial and cordless – very irrelevant descriptions.
Nice touch on the top of page 5 – the dog/soreness thing gives me the creeps.
“around half two” – half *past* two
“I knew that such despairing thoughts would keep me wide awake and I'd be exhausted for the next day,” this sentence is a little more “tell” than “show for my taste.
Page 6 – surely a kitchen knife would have crossed her mind for self-defence
Page 6 – I’m pretty sure the police can’t break down doors without announcing they are police first, several times. So she should know at that point that stuff is messed up.
Page 7 – nails and teeth repetition weakens the image

Bottom line is, I have no idea what just happened, and not in a good way. Who was the man that was attacking them? Did her daughters actually wake her up or was it just her imagination? Was this a dream in a drunken stupor, or did it actually happen fourteen years ago? What was in those shelves? What is the significance of the dog and the soreness? Who is the man at the end of the story.

May best and most generous guess is that this is some sort of metaphor for drinking, and how it is a monster that destroyed her and those shelves contained the liquor? No? Or is this a metaphor for them leaving her to go to university and the violence of that grief? No? Then I don’t get it. either way, this story either is a whole mess of twists that come together in no coherent way in the end. Or this is a metaphor that was poorly executed particularly because the rest of the story was very literalist, and opened up no room for any foreshadowing, descriptions or other poignant metaphors. It was exciting until she woke up drunk. After that, it deteriorated into a mess that does not motivate the reader to sift through. read

Trauma rings true

A review of Trauma (REV)

by forseti on 02/09/2010

I believe I have come across an earlier draft of this some years before, and as far as I can remember, this has improved a lot. I like the short choppy style of the descriptions, which really sets an atmosphere, although it gets a little heavy at times, particularly at the 1.5 page mark. Just tone it down a bit and its pretty much perfect. Little in the way of criticism for... read

Horrors

A review of Paper Trail

by forseti on 01/03/2008

I did enjoy this story, because it was well written, concise, and to the point. I really like some of the imagery that you use -- like "khaki bees" to describe the mines that rip apart soil. Also you do a good job of indirectly and very frighteningly describing some of the horrors the main character had seen: like the creeping line of aircraft fire across the soil. Although... read

Done wrong

A review of The Stepmonster

by forseti on 01/02/2008

First, my thoughts as I read this piece: The first thing that strikes me is that this is obviously not double spaced. You mentioned very close together that home life was miserable and a living hell. Seems here that you are mostly telling instead of showing. "complete brat", "absolutely nuts" -- you use far too many colloquialisms in your writing, which makes the writing... read

Too much

A review of What Happened On the Planet Perg

by forseti on 01/01/2008

Just a couple of things I found when reading the story: Do you mean "guerrilla gardening"? "are ocean of it" *is* or *oceans*? I understand that this is a quirky meant to use this fantastical planet Perg to comment on several disturbing truths about our society. For instance, the delinquent nature of bureaucracy when it comes to law. The hindrance of progress sometimes thrust... read

Don't really know what to say

A review of Walking Through Fields With Strangers

by forseti on 12/15/2007

The title of my review pretty much says it all. It's been a long time since I've seen a twist of this magnitude. A twist that has actually gotten me to stand up from a work and pace around the room, questioning all the words I have just read. You keep a bird-like theme throughout, which leads nicely into the vulture-like mess at the end of the story. The reader is confused,... read

Letter

A review of The Letter

by forseti on 12/15/2007

This was a good piece, though I feel as though the names of the characters have been thrust upon us too quickly. The problem with judging something based on a true story is that you don't know what it is that you can suggest to change. The phone call has realism, and so does the letter. The latter does a good way of providing some venting of emotion but also not sounding like... read

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forseti

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