a screenplay
by Frova
See synopsis.
Bio
Can I borrow a feeling?
Submissions by Frova
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a screenplay by FrovaSee synopsis. (Old Draft)
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a screenplay by FrovaGenres: comedyAfter his dreams of playing professional basketball have fallen just short, a nearly 7-foot, oft-injured college... more
Reviews by Frova 37
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A review of Through Hell, For Sara (v5)by Frova on 04/09/2009“Through Hell, For Sara” was a solid and a quick read. Thus, I have less notes than I normally would have. Although I think the concept is pretty good, I feel like there have been a lot of cases of portrayals of Heaven/Hell. Even on Triggerstreet, I haven’t read that many SPs, but I think this is about the 3rd or 4th Sp that dealt with this. The interesting thing is to see... “Through Hell, For Sara” was a solid and a quick read. Thus, I have less notes than I normally would have.
Although I think the concept is pretty good, I feel like there have been a lot of cases of portrayals of Heaven/Hell. Even on Triggerstreet, I haven’t read that many SPs, but I think this is about the 3rd or 4th Sp that dealt with this. The interesting thing is to see the unique approach each writer has.
This SP took the humorous approach for the most part with all the different circles of Hell. But I think it seemed a bit too easy to get from one circle to the next. I feel like it should have been more difficult for them to get out of each circle and especially out of the later circles of Hell. Most of the time they just kicked the guards in the balls type thing for the circles. Although I enjoyed it, some of the circles went too quickly as well. It may not matter all that much since it’s a comedy, but that may add more conflict if needed.
Maybe a little more time in the beginning with Sara will make it seem more urgent that Will has to get her out. Aside from her teaching Bible study, there isn’t really that much of her good qualities shown. A lot of people (say rapper DMX for instance) claim to be religious and in reality do some bad stuff, so more than that could help. She doesn’t even seem that great after saying she’ll pray for the Jewish Hipster kid. May have read that wrong way though.
I think a good twist would have Sara actually a killer somehow, but that would change the whole story, so I wouldn’t recommend that. Most people would not expect that, but that would make it really a dark comedy.
Overall, I thought it was a good story and funny enough. Good luck.
Notes:
(some are just my opinions and are intentionally nitpicky)
Pg. 1 (to Hauss) That is my sister. Who else would he be talking to? Parentheticals are generally pretty unnecessary
5 didn’t I? I know this has a lot of reviews so I’ll try to avoid giving typos as I’m sure you’ve gotten all of them
15 should have Will spell out M-A-R-K-S and show on the computer screen that it says Marx for her
22 kinda funny, but 40 yr Old Virgin already made a Fran Drescher joke, may want to consider someone else, Roseanne maybe or both
43 I would try to give some sort of description/age of John
46 seems kinda easy to get to the next circle, hopefully it will get harder each circle, we’ll see
57 haha, like the robot woman and then the robot men
67 feel like the everyone wants to speak to Satan has been stated enough already at this point
75 celebrity gossip haha
80 doesn’t seem likely that people in Hell would wait for an old lady, maybe have an old lady run the doors to the exit where they have no choice but to wait
87 I like the fact Satan is a child, good twist
96 FADE OUT. read -
A review of THE BIG TWO ONEby Frova on 01/21/2009The Big Two One seems to be a good concept for a comedy. It is another milestone that a lot of people look forward to. Today, is the last day I am the big Two One, so I am likely the audience for the screenplay. Yet, most people are excited for 21 because of being legal to drink. Although this sp has aspects of that, it is more of a milestone to change their ways. So I think... The Big Two One seems to be a good concept for a comedy. It is another milestone that a lot of people look forward to. Today, is the last day I am the big Two One, so I am likely the audience for the screenplay. Yet, most people are excited for 21 because of being legal to drink. Although this sp has aspects of that, it is more of a milestone to change their ways. So I think it was interesting that they used it for a milestone to become more confident in themselves rather than just a booze soaked story.
In terms of comedy, it was a bit crude and perhaps the dialogue seemed a little bit more like a porno or something rather than a R-rating. I'm going to use "Superbad" as an example of a movie that was vulgar, yet much of it was funny. Maybe some of these things would be funnier with a delivery, but it seemed a little more crude about f-ing people in the ass. "Superbad" had vulgarity, but it also had a lot of entendres or less crude ways to talk about crude things at points (such as nipples being like baby toes, or the Coens not directing the porn he likes.) It is familiar talk with more of a unique spin that is ridiculous but funny because it's unique than just straight dirty talk.
Also, in that movie, although the boys are vulgar, they seem to be sweet towards the girls they like. Yet, most of what they do backfires a bit, but they don't actually try to really take advantage of the girls despite the way they speak. There was some of it in the sp, but also some things like at the end joking about her being flat as target practice isn't really cute banter between couples that it likely is intended. Of course, guys do joke around with women but this will likely all lose the female audience and some males.
I don't know if I really got a great grasp on all the characters or really cared about the relationships as much as I should. Some things were good and showed a human side, like revealing his lack of experience with girls, so I would try to do that a bit to make characters more distinct and likeable. Also, the professor seemed to be one of the main antagonist, yet he wasn't much of a factor and wasn't introduced until about 40 pages in.
Structure isn't my best things, but sometimes scenes may have seemed a bit random.
I would just try not to overuse R-rated words because generally the more it is used, the less impact it has. Also, it can be funny or it could just be vulgar.
Also, there are some typos and other mistakes throughout that can distract from the story.
In general, it was a rather fast read which reflects a good grasp of how screenplays should be paced. There are good parts that show potential for future rewrites. Good luck.
Notes:
(some are just my opinions and are intentionally nitpicky)
Pg. 1 should be FADE IN:
(V.O.)
tonight, Matt
This start is a bit vulgar, doesn't bother me that much, but even vulgar movies (ex "Superbad") don't seem this explicit, it is a relatively funny set up though
3 I would give a brief physical description with introduction of characters
6 I can study
8 would make it more specific rather than just say History, lots of history classes, European History etc
10 the shouldn't be there
11 interesting with the sex doll
14 his audience and likely your audience, it can be funny like with "There's Something About Mary"
15 overuse of parentheticals, in my opinion, most of these emotions should be obvious through dialogue or action, some will say it is telling the actors how to act
17 things like signing for a package isn't really anything new, if not that original, it should at least be funny
24 how can you silently shout?
28 all these things would likely make this NC-17
39 a lot of typos, missing words
51 seems too extreme to me, women, especially aren't going to like these guys
60 seems like a lot of flashbacks
oversized finger is kinda funny in a crude way
68 double because twins, maybe more "cute" jokes will make this more mainstream
77 even though strippers as cops has been used in other movies, I think you use this well as a twist
97 FADE OUT. all the way to the right read -
A review of ST. LOUIS SPECIAL (3rd Draft)by Frova on 06/22/2008I think the concept of St. Louis Special is pretty good as YouTube and the internet is something that is popular in real life and so it would make it good for a movie. I think it should have been utilized more in order to have a more unique concept rather than falling into the normal rom-com territory. At times the dialogue reads a little awkwardly in that things could be... I think the concept of St. Louis Special is pretty good as YouTube and the internet is something that is popular in real life and so it would make it good for a movie. I think it should have been utilized more in order to have a more unique concept rather than falling into the normal rom-com territory.
At times the dialogue reads a little awkwardly in that things could be reduced. There is a decent amount of parts of dialogue that seem like they can be cut, mostly with minor characters such as the kids during Dale’s family meeting. I think there is places where you should add more humor, perhaps being more suggestive. This reads like a PG movie when I think most of rom-coms are PG-13 and more recently rated-R. I say this in that mostly younger adults watch these movies.
The characters were okay for me, but I think there could be more development in terms of the relationships of Curt with Langley and Erin. Why is he so enamored with Langley? She was nicer to Erin than she was to Curt when they first met. Langley also knew that he went on the plane just to be with her and she gave him the cold shoulder some of the time and she said something along the lines of “no wonder she said ‘no’”, which I think would be difficult for a man who just got rejected to take.
I’m not sure why this has to be set in 2012 either. I know you don’t want to date your script, but you can just not have the date on the camera.
I think it would be interesting to see more of the reactions from the women on YouTube. Maybe at least have him consider going on a date with one of the women, even if Curt is interested in Langley. He doesn’t really seem to be the Internet’s most eligible bachelor, so I think if that is the case, there should be more temptation from some eligible bachelorettes.
This is a CONSIDER as there is some good things done by the writer but I think it needs some more work in order to take it to another level. Good luck.
Notes:
(some are just my opinions and are intentionally nitpicky)
Title Page- most say to just stick with 12 Courier because it looks a bit amateurish otherwise
Pg. 1 FADE IN:
Unnecessary to write July 7, 1977 in Heading as you reveal the date in the camera
Also, same with Los Angeles, you can have one of the people wearing a Dodgers hat or something
You should have either DAY or NIGHT too
4 (CONT’D) are used only when broken up by a page nowadays I hear
13 L.A.
16 Curt never even knew she was there…seems unnecessary, sort of an unfilmable and reveal on pg 17 anyway that he doesn’t see her
19 12 noon, would just make it 12:05 or something
27 don’t think she would cry if she posted it on YouTube
The playful… can just write Langley watches with a smile.
28 CURT- “you mean that… dialogue reads a little awkwardly
30 unnecessary to say captured on Langley’s cellphone camera, we know this
31 how can she tell he is a nice guy? Maybe, she would feel pity but you can’t really tell he is nice by a minute clip
41 something more entertaining probably has to happen for the world to watch
Like
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Zv0wW066sEA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DboXlp66Wdk&NR=1
(though I think the first one is a prank)
It’s usually funnier (in a sad way) when they are that confident and gain everyone’s attention. Maybe he could have taken the microphone to do it and have everyone watching or this may not be the kind of guy Curt is I suppose
Why would they all want to marry him? Maybe have him have some elaborate, romantic thing planned out
44 doesn’t she think it is going to be removed from YouTube
49 “nice, but…”
51 said “no” three times, maybe explain why she said no to make Curt feel better, “not ready” or w/e
52 INT. TOP OF, don’t think you need it in Heading as you describe it in Action line
54 share gloves sometimes? A bit of a stretch, probably just say they are around the same size
Mets, excellent choice in teams, haha
No one has any privacy anymore to be human? Reword
57 why is Langley giving him so much ‘tude?
61 Mets fans wouldn’t give the ball haha
73 missing punctuation “I’ll call her right now…
77 she can supply the camera? But who is going to tape it, can’t they say that they have an agreement with a St.Louis station or something like that?
95 call him back, isn’t he somewhat anxious to know?
96 also no sleep
If he really is happy with the “no”, he should have just straight out told Erin right away. What if she said “yes”? He would have lived with it?
104 wouldn’t they know they have the same birthday? And which hospital they were born? read
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Submissions by Frova
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a screenplay by Frova
See synopsis. (Old Draft)
-
a screenplay by FrovaGenres: comedy
After his dreams of playing professional basketball have fallen just short, a nearly 7-foot, oft-injured college... more
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a screenplay by FrovaGenres: comedyUnder guise of a Craigslist ad for a crime movie, struggling actors thinking they're doing research for their roles... more
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a screenplay by FrovaGenres: comedyA clueless publicist toils to prevent an unflattering sex tape that his best friend, an A-list celebrity, made... more
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a screenplay by FrovaAfter discovering his wife’s affinity for younger guys, a middle-aged man shows that he can still compete with... more
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a screenplay by FrovaGenres: comedyTwo supposed saps trying to break in as TV actors decide to give Spanish TV a try in hopes of become Spanish Acting... more
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a screenplay by FrovaAfter years of donating, a lonely sperm donor creates an online registry in order to find his biological offspring... more
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a screenplay by FrovaGenres: comedyAfter receiving a steamy voice message intended for another man, a single guy goes to great lengths in hope of... more
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a screenplay by FrovaGenres: comedyWhile taking his son up for freshman year, an overworked, fresh-mouthed father decides he needs to get a fresh... more
Reviews by Frova 37
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A review of Through Hell, For Sara (v5)by Frova on 04/09/2009“Through Hell, For Sara” was a solid and a quick read. Thus, I have less notes than I normally would have. Although I think the concept is pretty good, I feel like there have been a lot of cases of portrayals of Heaven/Hell. Even on Triggerstreet, I haven’t read that many SPs, but I think this is about the 3rd or 4th Sp that dealt with this. The interesting thing is to see... “Through Hell, For Sara” was a solid and a quick read. Thus, I have less notes than I normally would have.
Although I think the concept is pretty good, I feel like there have been a lot of cases of portrayals of Heaven/Hell. Even on Triggerstreet, I haven’t read that many SPs, but I think this is about the 3rd or 4th Sp that dealt with this. The interesting thing is to see the unique approach each writer has.
This SP took the humorous approach for the most part with all the different circles of Hell. But I think it seemed a bit too easy to get from one circle to the next. I feel like it should have been more difficult for them to get out of each circle and especially out of the later circles of Hell. Most of the time they just kicked the guards in the balls type thing for the circles. Although I enjoyed it, some of the circles went too quickly as well. It may not matter all that much since it’s a comedy, but that may add more conflict if needed.
Maybe a little more time in the beginning with Sara will make it seem more urgent that Will has to get her out. Aside from her teaching Bible study, there isn’t really that much of her good qualities shown. A lot of people (say rapper DMX for instance) claim to be religious and in reality do some bad stuff, so more than that could help. She doesn’t even seem that great after saying she’ll pray for the Jewish Hipster kid. May have read that wrong way though.
I think a good twist would have Sara actually a killer somehow, but that would change the whole story, so I wouldn’t recommend that. Most people would not expect that, but that would make it really a dark comedy.
Overall, I thought it was a good story and funny enough. Good luck.
Notes:
(some are just my opinions and are intentionally nitpicky)
Pg. 1 (to Hauss) That is my sister. Who else would he be talking to? Parentheticals are generally pretty unnecessary
5 didn’t I? I know this has a lot of reviews so I’ll try to avoid giving typos as I’m sure you’ve gotten all of them
15 should have Will spell out M-A-R-K-S and show on the computer screen that it says Marx for her
22 kinda funny, but 40 yr Old Virgin already made a Fran Drescher joke, may want to consider someone else, Roseanne maybe or both
43 I would try to give some sort of description/age of John
46 seems kinda easy to get to the next circle, hopefully it will get harder each circle, we’ll see
57 haha, like the robot woman and then the robot men
67 feel like the everyone wants to speak to Satan has been stated enough already at this point
75 celebrity gossip haha
80 doesn’t seem likely that people in Hell would wait for an old lady, maybe have an old lady run the doors to the exit where they have no choice but to wait
87 I like the fact Satan is a child, good twist
96 FADE OUT. read -
A review of THE BIG TWO ONEby Frova on 01/21/2009The Big Two One seems to be a good concept for a comedy. It is another milestone that a lot of people look forward to. Today, is the last day I am the big Two One, so I am likely the audience for the screenplay. Yet, most people are excited for 21 because of being legal to drink. Although this sp has aspects of that, it is more of a milestone to change their ways. So I think... The Big Two One seems to be a good concept for a comedy. It is another milestone that a lot of people look forward to. Today, is the last day I am the big Two One, so I am likely the audience for the screenplay. Yet, most people are excited for 21 because of being legal to drink. Although this sp has aspects of that, it is more of a milestone to change their ways. So I think it was interesting that they used it for a milestone to become more confident in themselves rather than just a booze soaked story.
In terms of comedy, it was a bit crude and perhaps the dialogue seemed a little bit more like a porno or something rather than a R-rating. I'm going to use "Superbad" as an example of a movie that was vulgar, yet much of it was funny. Maybe some of these things would be funnier with a delivery, but it seemed a little more crude about f-ing people in the ass. "Superbad" had vulgarity, but it also had a lot of entendres or less crude ways to talk about crude things at points (such as nipples being like baby toes, or the Coens not directing the porn he likes.) It is familiar talk with more of a unique spin that is ridiculous but funny because it's unique than just straight dirty talk.
Also, in that movie, although the boys are vulgar, they seem to be sweet towards the girls they like. Yet, most of what they do backfires a bit, but they don't actually try to really take advantage of the girls despite the way they speak. There was some of it in the sp, but also some things like at the end joking about her being flat as target practice isn't really cute banter between couples that it likely is intended. Of course, guys do joke around with women but this will likely all lose the female audience and some males.
I don't know if I really got a great grasp on all the characters or really cared about the relationships as much as I should. Some things were good and showed a human side, like revealing his lack of experience with girls, so I would try to do that a bit to make characters more distinct and likeable. Also, the professor seemed to be one of the main antagonist, yet he wasn't much of a factor and wasn't introduced until about 40 pages in.
Structure isn't my best things, but sometimes scenes may have seemed a bit random.
I would just try not to overuse R-rated words because generally the more it is used, the less impact it has. Also, it can be funny or it could just be vulgar.
Also, there are some typos and other mistakes throughout that can distract from the story.
In general, it was a rather fast read which reflects a good grasp of how screenplays should be paced. There are good parts that show potential for future rewrites. Good luck.
Notes:
(some are just my opinions and are intentionally nitpicky)
Pg. 1 should be FADE IN:
(V.O.)
tonight, Matt
This start is a bit vulgar, doesn't bother me that much, but even vulgar movies (ex "Superbad") don't seem this explicit, it is a relatively funny set up though
3 I would give a brief physical description with introduction of characters
6 I can study
8 would make it more specific rather than just say History, lots of history classes, European History etc
10 the shouldn't be there
11 interesting with the sex doll
14 his audience and likely your audience, it can be funny like with "There's Something About Mary"
15 overuse of parentheticals, in my opinion, most of these emotions should be obvious through dialogue or action, some will say it is telling the actors how to act
17 things like signing for a package isn't really anything new, if not that original, it should at least be funny
24 how can you silently shout?
28 all these things would likely make this NC-17
39 a lot of typos, missing words
51 seems too extreme to me, women, especially aren't going to like these guys
60 seems like a lot of flashbacks
oversized finger is kinda funny in a crude way
68 double because twins, maybe more "cute" jokes will make this more mainstream
77 even though strippers as cops has been used in other movies, I think you use this well as a twist
97 FADE OUT. all the way to the right read -
A review of ST. LOUIS SPECIAL (3rd Draft)by Frova on 06/22/2008I think the concept of St. Louis Special is pretty good as YouTube and the internet is something that is popular in real life and so it would make it good for a movie. I think it should have been utilized more in order to have a more unique concept rather than falling into the normal rom-com territory. At times the dialogue reads a little awkwardly in that things could be... I think the concept of St. Louis Special is pretty good as YouTube and the internet is something that is popular in real life and so it would make it good for a movie. I think it should have been utilized more in order to have a more unique concept rather than falling into the normal rom-com territory.
At times the dialogue reads a little awkwardly in that things could be reduced. There is a decent amount of parts of dialogue that seem like they can be cut, mostly with minor characters such as the kids during Dale’s family meeting. I think there is places where you should add more humor, perhaps being more suggestive. This reads like a PG movie when I think most of rom-coms are PG-13 and more recently rated-R. I say this in that mostly younger adults watch these movies.
The characters were okay for me, but I think there could be more development in terms of the relationships of Curt with Langley and Erin. Why is he so enamored with Langley? She was nicer to Erin than she was to Curt when they first met. Langley also knew that he went on the plane just to be with her and she gave him the cold shoulder some of the time and she said something along the lines of “no wonder she said ‘no’”, which I think would be difficult for a man who just got rejected to take.
I’m not sure why this has to be set in 2012 either. I know you don’t want to date your script, but you can just not have the date on the camera.
I think it would be interesting to see more of the reactions from the women on YouTube. Maybe at least have him consider going on a date with one of the women, even if Curt is interested in Langley. He doesn’t really seem to be the Internet’s most eligible bachelor, so I think if that is the case, there should be more temptation from some eligible bachelorettes.
This is a CONSIDER as there is some good things done by the writer but I think it needs some more work in order to take it to another level. Good luck.
Notes:
(some are just my opinions and are intentionally nitpicky)
Title Page- most say to just stick with 12 Courier because it looks a bit amateurish otherwise
Pg. 1 FADE IN:
Unnecessary to write July 7, 1977 in Heading as you reveal the date in the camera
Also, same with Los Angeles, you can have one of the people wearing a Dodgers hat or something
You should have either DAY or NIGHT too
4 (CONT’D) are used only when broken up by a page nowadays I hear
13 L.A.
16 Curt never even knew she was there…seems unnecessary, sort of an unfilmable and reveal on pg 17 anyway that he doesn’t see her
19 12 noon, would just make it 12:05 or something
27 don’t think she would cry if she posted it on YouTube
The playful… can just write Langley watches with a smile.
28 CURT- “you mean that… dialogue reads a little awkwardly
30 unnecessary to say captured on Langley’s cellphone camera, we know this
31 how can she tell he is a nice guy? Maybe, she would feel pity but you can’t really tell he is nice by a minute clip
41 something more entertaining probably has to happen for the world to watch
Like
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Zv0wW066sEA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DboXlp66Wdk&NR=1
(though I think the first one is a prank)
It’s usually funnier (in a sad way) when they are that confident and gain everyone’s attention. Maybe he could have taken the microphone to do it and have everyone watching or this may not be the kind of guy Curt is I suppose
Why would they all want to marry him? Maybe have him have some elaborate, romantic thing planned out
44 doesn’t she think it is going to be removed from YouTube
49 “nice, but…”
51 said “no” three times, maybe explain why she said no to make Curt feel better, “not ready” or w/e
52 INT. TOP OF, don’t think you need it in Heading as you describe it in Action line
54 share gloves sometimes? A bit of a stretch, probably just say they are around the same size
Mets, excellent choice in teams, haha
No one has any privacy anymore to be human? Reword
57 why is Langley giving him so much ‘tude?
61 Mets fans wouldn’t give the ball haha
73 missing punctuation “I’ll call her right now…
77 she can supply the camera? But who is going to tape it, can’t they say that they have an agreement with a St.Louis station or something like that?
95 call him back, isn’t he somewhat anxious to know?
96 also no sleep
If he really is happy with the “no”, he should have just straight out told Erin right away. What if she said “yes”? He would have lived with it?
104 wouldn’t they know they have the same birthday? And which hospital they were born? read -
A review of DOIN' JACKby Frova on 01/03/2008Doin' Jack has an interesting concept but I feel like there are some issues that should be addressed. Here are some thoughts or questions I had: George's relationship with Kelly: It seemed to be more important in the beginning of the story then towards the end where they suddenly are back together. It seemed at the end that he never really was himself with her but he still... Doin' Jack has an interesting concept but I feel like there are some issues that should be addressed. Here are some thoughts or questions I had:
George's relationship with Kelly:
It seemed to be more important in the beginning of the story then towards the end where they suddenly are back together. It seemed at the end that he never really was himself with her but he still pretended to be Jack. This relationship seemed to be in the end more about the celebrity than a relationship between two working people.
Why would George pretend to be Jack in the first place with Kelly? I could see maybe doing it to get the free meal, but she said she would have eaten with him after meeting him at the laundry mat. So, why would he suddenly pretend to be the famous actor when she would have dated him as just himself? Kelly even seems to give him an opening with “I wish you were a nobody…”
Tina just disappeared in the end? Maybe you can have her waiting out side during the movie premier or something. Carl would have taken her.
Another thing is with the settings. I don't think they are always properly indicated, which made it confusing. Like on Pg. 75 with A car pulls in the driveway. Yet, the scene is inside. Maybe indicate they can see the car out the window or that they hear the car, which you should probably capitalize it like you do with other sounds to indicate this.
In terms of the ending, I don't know if Jack was that big of an A-hole where the audience wouldn't mind him being killed. I would really try to make him more an A-hole.
I guess you can make death somewhat funny but the death is awfully violent it seems. Carl should probably just hit him with the pan and then maybe spit out one of Jack's acting techniques. The blood seems to be too over the top.
Not sure if I missed this, but did they retape the rest of the movie with George? If not, then wouldn't it be obvious that they are two different people.
I found somethings amusing (Will Smith dialogue, steak sauce, and some more) but I don't know if I really thought it was that funny.
So, overall, this is a consider. I know since this is a comedy that it can be a little more unbelievable, but I didn't find out laugh out loud funny for the most part, just humorous in many parts. The tone seemed to change too much for me. Thank you.
Here are the some nitpicky thoughts I had while reading.
Notes:
Pg.1 FADE IN ON: - just make it FADE IN:
5 Carl calls out to him – doesn’t need to be an action line, maybe make it parenthetical if yells or something
16 unnecessary to say Tony mistakes George for Jack since he calls him Mr. Valentine…maybe you can say he rushes over, smile on his face and then just say Mr. Valentine
Also, George has been to the restaurant before, so wouldn’t he been mistaken for Valentine then…maybe change it from I ate a burger there once on Pg. 9 to ..burger there years ago, unless of course Jack Valentine came a star out of nowhere
19 extra space before pendant
27 probably better to put the scene heading in flashback EXT. STUDIO PARKING LOT
…no security guards?
32 he already met Tina, the girlfriend
33 not sure but shouldn’t it be
INTERCUT:
INT. LEONARD’S OFFICE
LEONARD is never formally introduced but has dialogue
35 couldn’t he just watch a Jack Valentine movie rather than Matthew McConaughey
38 bubble wrap dialogue, seems kinda creepy
39 You are awake, line seems unnecessary
41-42 both driver and George are mid twenties, seems like a dialogue between a large age gap (with calling him kid and sir)
53 last time you said…could just be you said
55 applaudS…S is capital
67 neighbor wouldn’t realize the Rolls is being stolen? And how would stealing the neighbor’s car help anything? They could probably put two and two together.
69 instead of acne, maybe make some sort of joke about them looking like a man or something
72 would the officer really be that accepting of a brother driving home drunk? Maybe, you can have the officer try and arrest Jack for it and have George use his celebrity to talk him out of it
76 its…should be it’s (it has)
seems very forward for Kelly to walk in considering they don’t know each other that well
77 who are you if not his sister…would be better as who are you really? After all, she just walked in on them half naked, I would hope sister would not even be in consideration
78 shouldn’t he care more about Kelly leaving, not Tina (Butterball)
79 BANG!!! THUD!!! Carl exits with a frying pan. At this point, we know the frying pan running joke. Also, I’m not entirely clear where the whole scene is taking place.
87 I would keep with Carl hitting with the frying pan if possible
89 SUPERIMPOSE read -
A review of LIGHTING THE MENORAH (Revised)by Frova on 11/23/2007There are some good things about this screenplay. There are various funny moments that work in a gross-out type romantic comedy such as a "There's Something About Mary" type style. Similiar to that movie, since religion is a sensitive subject to many, there may be parts where some people are offended. But I think that is needed for a gross-out comedy to work. More so in the... There are some good things about this screenplay. There are various funny moments that work in a gross-out type romantic comedy such as a "There's Something About Mary" type style. Similiar to that movie, since religion is a sensitive subject to many, there may be parts where some people are offended. But I think that is needed for a gross-out comedy to work.
More so in the beginning of the script, I felt there was some dialogue that could have been improved a bit, but I didn't notice it as much as I went on.
Overall, I would say the script is solid but could still be improved and maybe add more gross-out type moments the whole way through.
Random Notes:
Pg 1 instead of this wakes Aidan up/Aidan sits up. This would show this.
3 nothing was really weird about Aidan’s exchange
liked the beginning of the screenplay, although I think some dialogue could be fixed
8 feel like if he just leaves without saying “bye”, makes him seem like more of a womanizer
8 starts picking/picks the bag up
13 points to leg…describe it in some way, scar or w/e
21 capitalize Sabotage
27 doing?! …you leave out question marks several times pg. 40 for instance
32 Seinfeld…liked that
47 doesn’t he get sick a lot?…feel like that isn’t something an adult would say in that situation
Bar Mitzvah song… I don’t know if you really could put that in a movie since it’s Adam Sandler’s
Circumcised scene/would be interesting to see how that would play out/liked the line about it being a warm house read -
A review of Last Resort (Redux)by Frova on 10/03/2007In terms of a comedy on suicide, this is probably the best you could do. However, I'm not sure that this topic warrants an entire screenplay. There was a good amount of clever dialogue but I felt like towards the end, all the jokes about not being able to die that were funny initially, lost some of its appeal at the end (although I would have likely done the same thing, it's... In terms of a comedy on suicide, this is probably the best you could do. However, I'm not sure that this topic warrants an entire screenplay. There was a good amount of clever dialogue but I felt like towards the end, all the jokes about not being able to die that were funny initially, lost some of its appeal at the end (although I would have likely done the same thing, it's hard to resist)
Here were some notes I took:
pg. 9 dead is too cold…funny
10 fear of flying, can’t die again- found that funny
Hank’s exchange was funny
41 am talking to a wall? Is it supposed to be Am I talking to a wall
64 masseurs – funny
78- the appeal was good where he got accepted into heaven after all. Brought on some conflict.
I found Jacob's voice over as essentially another character to be entertaining.
So the story was clearly well-written with an original story and good dialogue, but I don't know if the subject matter began to run thin on me. I would still say it was overall good though.
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A review of The Lonesome Crowded West-by Frova on 09/30/2007Well, The Lonesome Crowded West was pretty good, however, I don't think the title necessarily reflects the movie. It sounds like a western to me. But it is probably better than calling it "Stalker" or something like that. Here a few of my notes: pg. 15 myspace line...good line 19 boner at two o’clock...liked that line 22 cool job (awkwardly) probably write in the parenthetical... Well, The Lonesome Crowded West was pretty good, however, I don't think the title necessarily reflects the movie. It sounds like a western to me. But it is probably better than calling it "Stalker" or something like that.
Here a few of my notes:
pg. 15 myspace line...good line
19 boner at two o’clock...liked that line
22 cool job (awkwardly) probably write in the parenthetical that it was said awkwardly... you did this a few times
48 schindler’s list...you probably don’t have to have him explain himself...she can say “what” and think for a second and then laugh
54 don’t gay up that place...liked that
There was a good amount of one-liners and such. I myself use risqué lines in terms of racial things, some may be turned off by that. I wasn't particularly.
So it was a pretty good concept and story with some good lines at times. read -
A review of The Grimby Frova on 09/22/2007As someone who is more dialogue based when writing screenplays, The Grim was a different experience. Perhaps this is the reason why it was somewhat difficult for me to get into the story since it is mostly action based, which I'm sure is a positive since it is supposed to be a horror movie. The action was generally engaging enough, however, at times I felt like there was too... As someone who is more dialogue based when writing screenplays, The Grim was a different experience. Perhaps this is the reason why it was somewhat difficult for me to get into the story since it is mostly action based, which I'm sure is a positive since it is supposed to be a horror movie. The action was generally engaging enough, however, at times I felt like there was too much action (for example pgs. 41-43.) Similarly when they say you have too much dialogue to break it up with action, I think the opposite would be true at times in this story.
Here some things I noticed (which is likely others have noticed before me):
right off the bat Pg. 2 should be its head, not it's
pg. 4 Here boy!
Here doggie!
you do this often where you go down to the next line. I think you should put ... or maybe (beat) (although that not so much) or maybe an action when you want some sort of break.
pg. 7 Shane's dialogue Your face! (Laughs)
Parenthetical should be on next line or in the action.
pg. 11 Nope (beat)and then Phil (off her look)... seemed awkward and didn't describe the look in the first place.
pg. 12 The exchange between the reporter seemed unrealistic.
pg. 13 Seemed difficult to focus on what both Phil and Jenny (on the TV) would be saying.
Cobbledick? It seemed more like something a comedy would use as a name.
pg. 34/35 Seemed like too many locations.
pg. 62 You used questions in action, which seemed off to me.
pg. 67 Jack's parenthetical (fuck off you amateur)... is that what he was thinking? Didn't get that.
Overall, I would have to say that the action you used did help it to create suspense. You had a lot of "white" on the page, made it easy to read. However, I just felt like there was a little too much action, and more dialogue could have helped. But once again, I am more interested in dialogue based comedy screenplays, not an action horror script. Yet, I could imagine this being an entertaining film. read
Comments About Frova 5
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muckers25 on 02/19/2009
Hey,
Thanks for the time and care to review "HeLLp!" And I had no idea about that movie H-E Double Hockey Sticks but now I'm kind of mad. I thought my title was clever haha Anyway, thanks again and I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Spiro -
muckers25 on 07/28/2008
Hey, man thanks for the in-depth review of "The Senior List." It was great, except if you can edit it you probably should because you start to call GREG ANDY halfway through and you even confused me lol. Thanks again! -
dbenamor on 07/01/2008
thanks for your review and good luck with Wrong Number, I liked it when I reviewed the earlier draft as I recall. P.S. Good call on Russell Brand, his performance in Sarah Marshall inspired Hugh Wellington the Third. -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 02/06/2008
Thanks for the free will from a fellow Mets fan.
Let Go Mets!! -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 10/02/2007
Yippie-ki-yay! Thanks for the review!
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Comments About Frova 5
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Hey,
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Hey, man thanks for the in-depth review of "The Senior List." It was great, except if you can edit it you probably should because you start to call GREG ANDY halfway through and you even confused me lol. Thanks again!
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thanks for your review and good luck with Wrong Number, I liked it when I reviewed the earlier draft as I recall. P.S. Good call on Russell Brand, his performance in Sarah Marshall inspired Hugh Wellington the Third.
+ more commentsmuckers25 on 02/19/2009
Thanks for the time and care to review "HeLLp!" And I had no idea about that movie H-E Double Hockey Sticks but now I'm kind of mad. I thought my title was clever haha Anyway, thanks again and I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Spiro
muckers25 on 07/28/2008
dbenamor on 07/01/2008