Gammon

A review of In Human Form

by Gammon on 09/01/2011

Concept: If you do nothing and let the oppressors kill you, God will send a mysterious entity to save you. Or as Tolstory wrote in the last line of his short story: "And thus the peasants clearly understood that the power of God is manifested not in evil, but in goodness." I'm not sure exactly how to react to this story. It has the feel of a medieval mystery or morality play... Concept: If you do nothing and let the oppressors kill you, God will send a mysterious entity to save you. Or as Tolstory wrote in the last line of his short story: "And thus the peasants clearly understood that the power of God is manifested not in evil, but in goodness."

I'm not sure exactly how to react to this story. It has the feel of a medieval mystery or morality play. It is like a fable or a parable. The situation is all. The characters are "everyman" types with little or no depth. The protagonist isn't really clear. A case could be made for either Vasili or Mikhayeff perhaps, but in essence the protagonist is a group - the serfs. We feel strongly for all of them but we don't root for anyone specifically because we don't get to know any character in any particular depth or find any complexity.

There are definitely villains in Oleg and Bronislav. And a hero? If there were ever a deus ex machina, this story has it in the form of Grigori. He appears out of nowhere, makes promises, lights one of the longest burning candles in history, and martyrs himself.

In the story the characters do what they do because they must to keep the story moving. Timur, for example, comes off as dislikeable but his betrayal comes out of left field. There had to be a Judas just as there had to be a sacrifical lamb in Grigori.

Another thing that makes this script feel like a morality play are the passages with the Orthodox Priest. Especially the V.O. while various other things happen. If one removed that, one would have a series of scenes that showed passage of time, but no one is doing anything. In fact, few characters actually "do" anything other than or risk anything because we must believe they're so terrorized and demoralized by Oleg and Bronislav that they can't.
Kolya does by taking food to Asinim, and Timur betrays them. Other than those two, it's a lot of talk about rebelling against the treatment the villagers get from Oleg and Bronislav but nothing more than talk. It takes divine intervention to save them when the villagers, outnumbering Oleg and Bronislav, could have formed a mob and killed them both.

This script is well written. The writer has talent. The story isn't a page turner. It has a very strong feel of Russian literature. While I always enjoy good writing, the story just didn't come to life for me, but it's certainly livlier than Tolstoy's short story. read

The Big Payback

A review of The Big Payback

by Gammon on 08/27/2011

I'm still not sure, having finished this script, whether the writer has uploaded something so bad as a joke on reviewers or whether the writer thinks this is a good script. Why do I think this might be a joke on reviewers? Writing like this: "Mike smiles as he walks through the barb wired fence seconds away from freedom and out of jail clothes..The guard escorts him to the... I'm still not sure, having finished this script, whether the writer has uploaded something so bad as a joke on reviewers or whether the writer thinks this is a good script. Why do I think this might be a joke on reviewers? Writing like this:
"Mike smiles as he walks through the barb wired fence seconds away from freedom and out of jail clothes..The guard escorts him to the end of the gate and opens it"
or
"Sitting in his luxurious,Carter,who is now more smarter than ever is one of the richest men L.A."
or
"GREG WASHINGTON,34,Carter’s apprentice,lackey, walks in and informs his boss on some information."
or
"Classical music playing.People chattering.Waiters go back and forth severing the guests." I'm a great fan of "severing the guests."

The script is chock-a-block with missing words, missing spaces after punctuation, bad grammar, and some of the most cumbersone prose I've read in a while.

Forget unfilmables. Let's talk about unbelievables: 1. A blind woman who drives a car and a boyfriend who lets her because the blind woman wants to be independent and doesn't blink when she runs over someone and kills them. 2. A bank robber who has forgotten he robbed a bank only 5 years ago. 3. A bank robber who has parleyed his share of the loot into owning a dozen casinos and over 50 night clubs--in only 5 years? 4. In a home office with the light on Mike is too far away for Tiffany to recognize him and then 6. Tiffany doesn't remember Mike.

The dialog is unbelievable. It's cumbesome and over-written. On the nose. It's a hot mess.

The characters don't behave as an outgrowth of a situation. They behave the way the writer needs them to behave in a given situation. And the situations are beyond believable. I note that the genre is comedy/crime. The comedy is so low brow and schticky that what could be funny just seems labored. And the crime -- it happens easily. The Russians are involved. A gazillion L.A. policemen are dirty cops on Carter's payroll. There's not enough willing suspension of disbelief in the world.

If this script isn't a joke on reviewers, I will say that you've got the imagination. You're loaded with imagination. And you've got the drive to write I think. Read other scripts like crazy and take pointers for them. Learn to spell or at least use a spell checker. And just keep writing. You don't want to do anything that can give readers a reason to dismiss your writing. read

The Humane Facade

A review of The Humane Facade

by Gammon on 08/24/2011

After 137 reviews, I doubt much can be added that hasn't been said. But since it was assigned, here goes. As for formatting or misspellings or bad grammar, I couldn't care less as long as they don't make the script unreadable. As a writer, you'll either correct them or you won't. CONCEPT: Two "damaged" people meet and repair each other's damage. Not a new concept. That... After 137 reviews, I doubt much can be added that hasn't been said. But since it was assigned, here goes.

As for formatting or misspellings or bad grammar, I couldn't care less as long as they don't make the script unreadable. As a writer, you'll either correct them or you won't.

CONCEPT: Two "damaged" people meet and repair each other's damage. Not a new concept. That the damaged people are a monk who speaks almost no English and a schizophrenic ups the stakes.

STORY: The story, without taking into consideration the telling, is a good one and a moving one. It has more a Movie of the Week feel than it does a movie, though perhaps an Indie would work. In the script, a lot happens. In the story, however, very little happens. One can see the end almost from the beginning. It's so telegraphed that Shen and Samantha are going to have some dramatic effect on one another. The only question is what exactly and to what extent. What I find irritating is that a reader is so far ahead of the writer in knowing what's going on that the story feels overblown, and at times even tedious because we've seen Samantha have the same behavior over and over and over again. We've seen Mildred's angst over her daughter again and again and again. We get it. It feels like the script is about 20 pages too long. Some of the passages are so long winded and the dialog so bloated that it's as interesting as watching grass grow.

Since this is an early draft, I have no way of knowing whether your writing has improved or not, but I do fault the writing for making this at times a rather unsatisfying read. Rather than drawing us in, the writing pushes us away. The use of "is" plus "ing" verbs puts a distance between the reader and the action. Active verbs to describe action pulls the reader in and makes the reader imagine the action. The is-ing construct describes something that the writer sees in his/her imagination. It makes it more like reading a short story or novel that a spec script that's supposed to make us see a movie in our imagination. It's also lazy writing. It's hard to construct every action line with only active verbs giving the visuals, but in the end it's worth the effort for the reader, but more that that, it's more important for telling the story.

This is already a very affecting story. I think with some judicious rethinking, this could be one heck of an emotional ride as the world of the monks collides with the reality/unreality of Samantha's world. read

Crazy Love

A review of Crazy Love

by Gammon on 11/14/2010

I enjoyed this film. I think, given the restraints you had, i.e. zero budget, variable talent and somewhat guerilla shooting, you did quite well. The cinematography was uneven but acceptable. It was definitely going for the NYC rom com vibe and came really close to succeeding. I felt the story dragged a bit; that you could perhaps have gotten the same point across with only... read

No winners

A review of DUEL

by Gammon on 10/29/2010

This is an uneven piece. The lighting, sound and camera work were fine. Mocking the ultimate-fighter millieu with a gun duel was imaginative, a good mocumentary take on the inane gabble fighters engage in. Unfortunately your actors weren't up to the task. Especially Rick "the hammer." For me, it would have helped if Rick's back story were more interesting, so I think the... read

Ha! Good twist.

A review of Mixed Messages

by Gammon on 10/20/2010

I thought the shots were spot on. Good sound. Good movement in a static situation. Decent acting though I felt the actor was better than the actress. Since you're also the writer, I'm going to nitpick the beginning of your story. I realize there are budgetary constraints, but I immediately wondered why she would sit across from the guy when there seemed to be plenty of empty... read

Lady Bug, Lady Bug

A review of All Those Little Things

by Gammon on 10/13/2010

No quibble with the photography and the sound was present, intimate and very good. The shots did much to give movement in a situation where there was none. If there was symbolism in the lady bug, I didn't get it. The acting was adequate and the actors could possibly have been riveting and more affecting in the situation if the script were better. If you're not going to do more... read

Freak Show

A review of The Freak Show

by Gammon on 09/29/2008

What comes across from this script in its present form it that there is a decent storyteller behind it. What the story lacks for me is focus. What the plot lacks is cohesion. Even though the story is set in 1946, other than carrying out the corpses from bombed out buildings, there the period feel of the story ends. That whole sequence, nearly 7 pages, essentially had nothing... read

Manicomio!

A review of STUCK (Version2)

by Gammon on 09/01/2008

There is something very Pirandellian about this script/story. I pretty much read this in one sitting. Once the root was introduced, I decided that nothing was probably going to be what it seemed, so I read it much as I would read a theater of the absurd script. Take it all in and let make sense what makes sense and wait for the writer to unravel what doesn't, or not unravel... There is something very Pirandellian about this script/story. I pretty much read this in one sitting. Once the root was introduced, I decided that nothing was probably going to be what it seemed, so I read it much as I would read a theater of the absurd script. Take it all in and let make sense what makes sense and wait for the writer to unravel what doesn't, or not unravel if the writer so chooses.

The basic story holds together well in its entirety. There is a clarity in its convolution that makes it an easy read and keeps the story moving from page to page. I'm not easily confused, but I suspect you may have feedback from some who are. I think if one pulls and tugs on the story as one reads, one is going to find it a challenge to get the full impact the writer intends.

I think, in retrospect, that you take the coward's way out early on by using unfilmables to further your story. I don't mind unfilmables when they enhance character or tone. When they give back story or are used to explain a story, then I find that an issue. I feel it should be in the story, not in the action lines. You start with "Jane's best friend since high school" and then on p. 20 you write "They are sisters." Same with "(she is a spiritual guru)." IMHO, if you have to put story explanation in an action line, you admit you weren't able to incorporate that important information in the story.

This is also the point that I accepted that nothing is what it seemed but I accepted the first 20 pages as real, so telling me that they're now sisters made everything that followed suspect in that I never accepted it as real. I don't know whether that's a good thing or bad thing but I found myself reading more skeptically. On the other hand if friends since high school isn't true, then you'd be guilty of lying to the reader in the action line. I took the first 20 pages as the reality. Consequently, I was 99% certain that the throat slashing was the "truth" which meant I knew how the opening scene ended. That made the question of everything that followed one of "how is this going to fit in" and what happens to Jane - arrested for murder or in an asylum. I just thought I'd point it out because, by accepting the death as the reality, it colors the way one views the rest of the story.

Don't get me wrong. These aren't criticisms. These are only my impressions.

The core story - two friends take drugs, flip out, one kills the other then commits suicide - isn't earth-shatteringly new. It's incorporating all of the other elements in your story that makes this telling different. Kudos for that. My impression is, though, that you let your story meander rather than logically illogically progress, and given that this is a drug trip, one expects the illogical and accepts it.

I got the feeling that you could find things that would distinguish Sara and Jane more. Make them leap off the page as different people. While the context of what they say is different, the voices of the two are often very similar sounding. And, I have to say it, there is a lot of dialog between them for the reader's benefit that the two characters, as best friends, should know. I'd look for ways to slip in the necessary exposition more subtly if I could.

I enjoyed this script. I’m a fan of complexity and I’m not easily confused. If you can get it on paper, by darn I can make sense of it. So that probably makes me your target audience. LOL I think your story is far along the way toward where it should be. Some tweaks here and there. Thanks for the read and sharing your imagination. read

That’s just wrong on so many levels... hehehe

A review of Project Death Rattle

by Gammon on 08/23/2008

Okay, this is my first foray into a Chris Simon script. An unrelenting journey from WTF to WTG. I haven't had a trip like that since... let's not go there. Concept: An off the wall cop with pregnophobia chases a pregnant woman whose fetus craves thalami with a particular yen for cop thalami. There's no ranking high enough for that. Characters: They make Airplane look like... Okay, this is my first foray into a Chris Simon script. An unrelenting journey from WTF to WTG. I haven't had a trip like that since... let's not go there.

Concept: An off the wall cop with pregnophobia chases a pregnant woman whose fetus craves thalami with a particular yen for cop thalami. There's no ranking high enough for that.

Characters: They make Airplane look like Disneyland open especially for a moral majority convention. In a fractured way, the characters of Ray and Christine are very well drawn. Keeler and Zillic, a great svengalian pair (the nail gun scene is priceless).
Dialog: It's on the nose; it's in your face; it's up your ass. It's wildly imaginative and inventive and... ahem... graphic and very entertaining. And, oh, yeah, it advances the story.

As for the story, talk about a conspiracy theory and mad scientists run amok and places even farther out. Let's hear it for two-headed hookers and tap dancing septuagenarian nuns.

As for the script. The dreaded Page One is as dull as dirt and gives no indication of the wild ride we're going on and made me wonder if I wanted to go on to Page Two. It feels like blowing out the bathroom window should be on the first page. It would be a great hook. My impression is that the song lyrics don't really add interest. As for the formatting idiosyncrasies, I didn't care. I'm sure someone will point them out, which also kind of gives credence to a suspicion I have: if the story, characters and dialog are entertaining enough, no one's gonna give two hoots about the formatting if it's even remotely close to spec format. They won't give a damn whether there's a colon after FADE IN or not.

Ordinarily I hate scripts with blocks of action lines 5, 6 or 7 lines long. Usually because they tell me what the writer thinks is important rather than what's important.

Surrounding the two men are various mementos of their years together: a CIA SOFTBALL CHAMPIONS trophy, a BEST NEW TORTURE 2006 citation, a Christmas card from the Bush’s. Plus several vacation pictures: Keeler and Zillic pose with a huge fish on a boat, they pose with a dead guard at Buckingham Palace, they pose with a dead Mickey in Florida.

Oh, yeah, I'll read that and laugh.

Now, the issue is would anyone ever dare to make this film? Probably not. Chicken shits. Thoroughly enjoyed the read. read

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Submissions by Gammon

Reviews by Gammon 270

Comments About Gammon 221

FredCDobbs1 on 04/04/2013

MarcosLiberato on 10/26/2012

Scott Mandrell on 08/26/2012

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