a screenplay
by gapoz
A Heartless hitman finally finds love... as a Zombie.
gapoz
member since 10/10/2005 |
last login 06/07/2013
I Love TS. It has been, and continues to be, a marvelous place to learn. I have written thirteen screenplays so far. One has been produced. Two are currently optioned. I have studied writing, and twice served internships as a coverage reader....
Bio
I Love TS. It has been, and continues to be, a marvelous place to learn.
I have written thirteen screenplays so far. One has been produced. Two are currently optioned.
I have studied writing, and twice served internships as a coverage reader.
I now get to spend most of my time providing coverage service for production houses, through my personal service
(see web link), and right here on the street.
If I've learned one great important lesson, it's to keep on writing.
I try to be honest and helpful in my reviews, and always hope the writer finds something of value to them.
Submissions by gapoz
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a screenplay by gapozGenres: dramaHeartwarming story of an old man and two teens, whose journeys meet, and lives change, at the Soul Diner.
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a screenplay by gapozA young boy with an extraordinary gift struggles, with the help of a motherly doctor and other gifted children,... more
Reviews by gapoz 918
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A review of Starry Nightby gapoz on 10/05/2012I see from your BIO that this is your first screenplay. Pretty damn impressive for a first effort. You obviously spent some time learning the craft along the way instead of just puking up something on the paper. That's a step ahead of many first efforts. On top of that, I think you have a nice style and voice and an imaginative story here. This is not a novel, and you obviously... I see from your BIO that this is your first screenplay. Pretty damn impressive for a first effort. You obviously spent some time learning the craft along the way instead of just puking up something on the paper. That's a step ahead of many first efforts. On top of that, I think you have a nice style and voice and an imaginative story here.
This is not a novel, and you obviously know that. You write in a clear, concise, active fashion. Most first efforts (or even 4th and 5th) exhibit a tendency to be too descriptive, but you seem to have put a lot of effort into being succinct. Good on you. There are some scattered mistakes in terms of grammar, an extra word here and there, an apostrophe where not needed, that kind of thing. Not enough to be distracting, but something you will want to do a full word by word check on at some point. The format itself looks a touch off in terms of top/bottom margins, and I did run across some strange bolding on occasion. You will want to correct that.
You use CONTINUOUS quite a bit when it is improper. Contrary to what many people think, it is not generally used to indicate that the time is unbroken, but rather to indicate the camera is unbroken, ie, it is following the subject. There is a lot of debate on this, but frankly, having worked with production companies, I can tell you with some confidence that you can simply avoid its use entirely and never get in trouble with it. Sticking with a simple DAY or NIGHT in scene headings works every time, and if needed, use an action line to specify any additional requirements time wise.
You open in 1986, according to your scene heading. There is no way for the viewer to know this, and additionally, since you later come to present day, you create age problems, because you don't have any idea when this will actually be made, or viewed. To overcome these problems, I would suggest using a SUPER: "18 Years Ago" (or whatever) at the opening scene, and then a SUPER: "Present Day" when you need it. This approach not only makes it clear what the time is to the viewer, but also maintains the time span effectively.
I like the insert of the crayon drawing. It indicates you have a good sense of using visuals to establish character, rather than just 'telling'. Good on you.
You can do better with the introduction of your primary characters. Terms such as handsome are frivolous. Everyone in movies is handsome unless otherwise noted. This is the one area where you are allowed to be a bit more verbose. Use this opportunity to give us some emotional description of the character. That will be useful in attracting actors to the role. Try and do this in as visual a style as you can.
p.4 The dialogue here between Jeff and Jill seems pedestrian, and some of it can be cut. Try and get to the meat of things as quickly as possible and then move on. I have a little problem understanding why Jeff is hiding this important part of his past from Jill, even to the point of pretending he doesn't even know anyone named Ashley. If you want to make this work as a point that triggers Jill's later anger and distrust, I think you need to work harder. Matt really paints himself into a corner here with this out and out lie. I don't understand why he would hide it, and certainly don't know why he would make some future confession so difficult by taking this route that gives him no way out. I think instead, some hint here that he is hiding something ultimately wo0rks better, though I really think you need to build a stronger reason for him hiding this at all. It was years ago. He's an adult now, and though he would obviously have suffered guilt over the years, that's part of what made him the person she fell in love with. I understand the point of this as a plot device. I just don't think it's particularly effective as is.
Also, just as a suggestion, I would consider changing names. Jeff and Jill are too close, and too many primary characters with short 4 letter names makes it harder to distinguish.
p.17 I'm not understanding why Stanley could get into trouble for taking pictures. He's a photographer isn't he? Fact is these papparazzi types, while a nuisance, have the legal right to do so, so I think you have to explain somehow how he goes over the line. Moreover, even if for some reason he could get into trouble, it makes no sense that he would tell Lisa that. Why would he willingly tell her she is in a position to blackmail him. Needs some work to be plausible. I was unable to find any instances where a photographer had been convicted of stalking simply for following someone and taking pictures.
Jimmy and Stanley got muddled in my mind throughout the work. I think they are too similar in too many ways. Jimmy is an ex-con on probation. Stanley has been in trouble. Both are fixated on Jill in various ways. Both serve as red herrings. I think your story can be made much cleaner by consolidating these characters.
General impressions and suggestions.
Reduce character count. Get rid of Jimmy or Stanley.
More focus on Jeff. This is his story right? Drive the story primarily from his perspective to give it greater focus and more depth to Jeff. Make us better understand and emphasize with him. I can't even remember what he does... Do we know his job and anything about him outside of his relationship with Jill? Make his goal clear and focus everything in the story around his pursuit of that goal. Same with Lisa. She can be made stronger in terms of her motivations. If she is going to go to the lengths of murder here, you need to make us believe she would, and make us understand why.
Read your dialogue out loud. Mommy and daddy? hmmm. While you are succinct in your descriptions, there is room to cut dialogue. Make sure you know the purpose of every scene, and get rid of anything that doesn't serve that purpose.
Overall, I much enjoyed the read, and I think you demonstrate a commitment to the craft and exhibit skill and talent. This is a breezy and fun read, and with some hard work and sharp focus, can be made an excellent script. As a first effort, it's quite good. Best of luck.
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A review of BORDERLANDSby gapoz on 10/03/2012Hey Damp. I was pleased to get the chance to return the favor with a freewill. I'm sorry it can't be a credited review that allowed me to give you a solid start. As you may or may not know, I have gotten a bit of a reputation as being a tough love style reviewer. I don't know if that's deserved or not, but I do try to be as honest as I can and give advice based on what I've... Hey Damp. I was pleased to get the chance to return the favor with a freewill. I'm sorry it can't be a credited review that allowed me to give you a solid start. As you may or may not know, I have gotten a bit of a reputation as being a tough love style reviewer. I don't know if that's deserved or not, but I do try to be as honest as I can and give advice based on what I've learned, always with the hope that it may serve to make the writer, and their script, better.
Let me start with that honesty. There is a lot here that can be improved, in all aspects. I suggest you look at that as an advantage, because it means moving forward provides you great opportunities to grow stronger.
TSL has such a wide and varied group in terms of knowledge and preference, that my guess is your reviews will be all over the place. Those that focus on the story, characters, and feel of the story, will likely give you good marks. Those who want to attack the technical merits will find valid targets. That's not a bad place to be, because the mechanics are something easy to improve on.
Imagination and creativity are basic gifts (IMHO) that you either have, or don't. I think you do, and therefore becoming a great storyteller (and scriptwriter) is within your grasp, because all the rest is a simple matter of learning, experimenting, and practicing.
I get the sense, from your postings, etc, that you are not greatly confident in your ability, and that putting your efforts out here was very difficult for you. It's a big step, but taken with the right attitude, a serious opportunity to refine your skills. My biggest and most important piece of advice would be to NEVER LET ANYONE KEEP YOU FROM WRITING AND SHARING. Write for yourself, and then share yourself with others. To hell with those that don't appreciate your gift.
What you have here is a small group of survivors after an apocalypse of sorts, struggling to find safety, and confronted by both a band of jerks, and the government. Not completely original, but truth is, there is nothing original. Everything is just a, hopefully, new perspective of the basic emotions and situations that we all write about. A good story is one we can emotionally attach ourselves to.
Regarding story, the biggest hurdle for me was trying to envision the means by which we got to this sad world you've created. The Occupy Movement goes violent and leads to a total breakdown in society. Given the reality, I'm left wondering how this occurs. How does this group of citizens fight against the government successfully to the point of this devastation. How do they manage to bring down society and fight against the machine. I realize this isn't the point of your story, but it does set up the environment of the story, and so needs to be believable. IMO, you can address this directly by pulling in elements of the machine to play against them, such as high ranking sympathizers within the military, that give access to weaponry, etc.. Or, you can skip this, and simply start after this revolution, explaining it (and the father relationship) through some flashbacks or VO.
Characters. This is the strongest part of your writing I think. The characters aren't superheroes. They are damaged, flawed, and real. Each is individual and distinctive. I especially liked the children. There are a few inconsistencies in character, but easily correctable. The biggest example I can remember is with Chuck. My mind kept wandering back to why he was at the brothel. If he didn't know the place and just dropped in, that would be fine. But they all knew him, like he was a long time customer, and that kept picking at my mind... Why? What would he go there for?
Writing. You suffer a little from over descriptive and/or repetitive or unfilmable, but your 'voice' and 'style' is marvelous, so again, this is something you can fix easily. Just as an example that addresses these observations, the last paragraph from page 5 and first of page 6.
"Elizabeth trudges down a country road, heavy duty boots on
her feet, her pack noticeably lighter. She wears an all
weather hat tied with string, ragged gloves on her hands, her
baseball bat swinging from a sling on her hip.
She pauses and pulls a map and compass out of her old jacket.
She consults the map and the compass and following the road
to a cross roads, where she turns to face west."
Consider:
"Elizabeth trudges along in heavy boots, ragged gloves, weathered hat strapped down. A baseball bat swings at her side.
She stops at a crossroad, checks map and compass, turns west."
Now, let's look at what was taken out, and why.
"Trudges down a country road."
Not needed because the scene heading tells us where she is.
"on her feet... on her hands.."
Not needed because obvious.
"pack noticeably lighter"
No basis for this. We never saw the pack before.
Making her stop at the crossroads makes this scene easier, and is more likely the spot where she would check directions.
The end result here is that we trim, thereby improving the pace (and the read).
I have always found it tremendously useful to paint the entire scene in my mind before describing it, or adding action. This allows you to write the important details and 'watch' your scene unfold as you write the actions.
Structure. I thought the structure was fine. Good job. I am not a 'beat sheet' nazi, so others may complain. I judge structure more by the pace and tension ebb and flow, and found this to be quite good in that regard.
In summary, here's my advice, applicable to whatever degree you find it useful, to all your screenplay writing projects.
1: Know the purpose of every scene. Know what it is meant to convey, how it moves the story forward, advances the plot, and/or develops the characters. Then be sure it does that, and nothing more. Can the 'point' of the scene be merged with another scene instead? If so, do it. More cost effective. If you can't answer these questions, get rid of the scene altogether.
2: Read every character through the story. With most software, you can isolate a specific character and just follow their dialogue. This is a great way to spot anything that is 'out of character', or conversely, to spot weaknesses in their arc that need to be further fleshed out.
3: Check your dialogue. Read it out loud. This is the best way to get rid of superfluous dialogue and get it sounding natural. Can you tell who is speaking without checking the name? Good. I think you do a good job with dialogue, but there are a few spots where it is repetitive. Often times writers do this because they want to emphasize a point, or be sure the audience 'gets it', but it is better to trust the audience, and augment with action rather than repeating a point verbally.
4: Check your actions and descriptive lines. Be sure every single word is required, and pay particular attention to 'seeing' these actions in your mind so that you 'paint' these images in the readers mind in the proper and believable sequence. This is a mistake many writers make, and I found it no more in your work than is average, but it is an area where we all can improve. The human mind creates images as we read, and when something is out of place, the mind scrambles to 'redraw' the scene or image, thus slowing down the story. Be sure the description of your scene setup, that paints the image in the reader's mind, contains everything that will be used when you start putting action in.
In summary. You got skillz and talent, and what is presented here is a good solid story with a nice concept to work from. The story elements and the journey are interesting, and the world is populated with believable people. Keep working with this and it can be polished into a real jewel. More importantly, your own gifts, skills, and talents can be substantially built upon as you rework this effort. I look forward to watching your progress! read -
A review of The Illusion of Safeby gapoz on 09/30/2012Hey Steph. I got right on this, determined to give you a timely, and hopefully helpful review. My reputation seems to have evolved into being a 'tough love' sort, that some like and some don't, but I'll be as honest as I can because I already know you have talent and experience, so trust you will use what seems useful to you. As expected, this is a professional quality presentation... Hey Steph. I got right on this, determined to give you a timely, and hopefully helpful review. My reputation seems to have evolved into being a 'tough love' sort, that some like and some don't, but I'll be as honest as I can because I already know you have talent and experience, so trust you will use what seems useful to you.
As expected, this is a professional quality presentation in terms of format. Action and description is concise, while still being descriptive. Your style and voice is apparent. It demonstrates a confidence in your ability, and rightfully so.
The story opens with a females panties at half mast, so you hooked me in the first action line. Cheater.
Your first line of dialogue.
"SUNNY
Hold still. You want this fucking duck up your quack?"
And you called me a show off?
Top of page 3: 'happens' = happen.
I only point that out because if you're anything like me, there's always a couple little things you become blind to after 20 reads.
I like Sunny. Reminds me of me.
"defcon five fidget mode" Nice :)
"INSOUCIANT" - Made me go look it up to be sure I knew what it meant. I was right. Yay me.
p.4 "Should I have texted?" - sigh. like a still shot of today's youth. Nicely done.
Love the easy dialogue between Katie and Kyle. Builds a solid picture of their relationship, establishes facts I'm certain will come into play, and is totally believable. Good job.
p.12 "Snuff juice trickles out of the corner of her mouth." Made coffee come outta my nose.
p.15 Katie's 'bad feeling' seems too telling, if that makes sense. It practically screams that the trip is trouble, when the previous set up already was doing a good job foreshadowing. I think a simple look of concern after she says "Don't go" and Kyle laughs, would put a fine point on this without hammering it. Then drop the "No, I mean it..." line and the "Sis. Please stop." from Kyle's response. Then Kyle's response starts with "This job..." as a reaction to her look of concern. Just a thought.
p.20
"Her strain is visible to all but the Husband and Wife." I wasn't aware that anyone other than the 3 of them were in the office.
p.39 Katie giving Zeep a new hat, with straps!, was cool :)
p.40 Again, a minor suggestion, so feel free to ignore, but when Zeep pats her hand, I'd get rid of the 'there, there...". Then when she cries in earnest and he holds her and pats her back, I would again get rid of the 'there, there' and just use "You're a brave girl". I think this would give it more visual import.
p.45 top. Kyles dialogue to, or sparked by, the sharks, didn't ring natural to me, and I think misses a chance to be more visually emotional. I would consider replacing 'Please, stop' with a worried groan, and the "Go away. Go away. Somebody, please, help" with a frantic scanning of the water, a desperate plea in his eyes to see someone, something, out there. The pounding on the board is good, and coupled with a worried search of the horizon would have a solid emotional impact. Again, just before the dolphin saves his ass, I would increase the tension and replace his dialogue with action, maybe THUMPING a shark on its snout as it passes, almost losing his balance and falling in, etc. I think raising the tension here adds impact to the joy the dolphin brings.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you! You beautiful, magical, magnificent beings!"
I like this, but for some reason, my brain changed it to:
"Thank you, you magical, magnificent son of a fish!"
p.49-50 With the fire exchange, I think this is a place where dialogue, even a simple emphatic NO! would play better than simply shaking her head.
p.52 I'll have to remember that nipple trick the next time my wife is depressed... Wonder what that will get me :)
p.56 Bit confused as to why Katie has been wearing a brace she hasn't needed. Habit? Part of her plan?
p.61 "She's my final duck. Time to start a new life." Nicely done.
p.66
Just a rest for a moment. Katie has found Kyle now, and it would seem all is well, except that Zeep is gone and the focus here must obviously change to whatever mysterious plans he had from the start.. ok, onward we go.
p.70 Just finished finding out Zeep's story, at least in part. The question that arises to me is the timing of all this. Zeep loses his leg and is rescued by Marcus's ship and they find some of this treasure Zeep had. Now Zeep, worried about them putting 2 and 2 together, a logical concern, is in somewhat of a race. What I don't get, is how Zeep wins this race. If he lost his leg and had to not only recover from that, but be fitted with an artificial leg, and train with it, etc.. then I don't get how the 'bad' guys hadn't already been back and snagged the treasure.
Not sure exactly what Kyle is recovering from, or how much time has passed here, and I think that's important, considering the treasure hunt. Was Kyle actually injured, or just exhaustion?
p.73 "Abandon ship!" funny.
p.79 "You're wrong. Time is not money. Time is life." Awesome line! Showoff :)
p.80 Bingo. Back brace question answered. Disregard previous comment on same.
p.86 "stokes" = strokes... unless of course this crazy new Katie set the duck on fire...
p.92 Check Katies dialogue. There is an unneeded 'is'.
Alrighty then. How can I help you make this better... I dunno. Truthfully, I always hated challenges that forced you to work certain things in, but I can see the value in them. Hell, I set my own challenges with Zombody to love.
Your notes indicate the requirements were:
" the story had to revolve around some sort of illusion, had to have a ticking clock element, the protag had to arc 180 degrees and the elements of: a herb, an unusual animal or sidekick, and an object you could fit in your palm had to be woven into the story in a significant way"
I don't think the inclusions hurt the story, so that's the most important thing. The 'elements' were certainly woven into the story in a significant way, but did they strengthen the story? That's harder to say, since we don't know what your own creativity and imagination might have incorporated in their stead. The whole duck thing actually fit in quite nicely I think, and you filled the bill with unusual sidekick both in Zeep, and to a lesser degree, with the zany chick Katie worked with in the start. After reading your 'requirements', I couldn't help but wonder if little miss zany was originally going to serve the purpose of being the unusual sidekick, given how detailed she was.
Structurally, I found this interesting. It followed the promise of the log line, but not without fooling the reader/viewer. It was easy to lose track of Katie's 'true' theme, goal, or challenge, which is summarized beautifully when Katie says 'time is not money. time is life'. There are other places where the theme, which to me was 'there is no promise of safety in life' was stated more directly, but emotionally, I think Katie's noted line was the most powerful in the script. In the telling of the story, the reader/viewer is taken to a false ending, mistakenly coming to believe that the rescue of her brother is the ultimate goal, and then discovering it's not, eventually understanding that it serves as the experience, or catalyst, that ultimately allows her to make that change, even after her relapse into false security.
One area I think can be tightened, is something that I suffer from as well, and in fact you gently pointed out to me. That is the occasional heavy handedness of making sure we 'get the point'. This is a subtle problem, and one that is always difficult to balance. The importance of making sure your audience understands what you need/want them too, but allowing them the sense of 'discovering' it on their own, and feeling good about themselves for getting it. I have touched on this in a few specifics in the notes above. But this is a minor issue here, and one that can easily fall to the other side of the fence if attacked with too much gusto. That's a very real problem as well, since we, as writers, know our story so intimately and oft times can't understand when a reader doesn't get it.
I found the characters themselves to be well defined, personable, and unique. Job well done in that regard. Dialogue was crisp, realistic, and expressive of character, except in a few spots where I think opportunities to say less and show it instead, were missed.
I think the tone was consistent throughout. The only jarring changes were when Zeep sucked her breast, which was a surprising but effective action, and then in the end when she changes and trashes her apartment. I think maybe a slight toning down there might be helpful, as the point is certainly made before she wrecks the whole place.
I think too, in this reconciliation with Zeep scene, you can draw more emotion here. She loves him. We all know that at this point. She knows it. He knows it. She was hurt, and as women will do, she wants to make sure he gets how badly she was hurt, and pays for it to some extent, but I think you can draw deeper here and make this more emotional, rather than just a 'timed' event, if that makes any sense. It kind of comes across as a 'how many times does he have to apologize before she accepts' kind of feeling, and I think with your talent, you can 'live this out' better internally and get more emotion and depth here. This is a standoff, when it could be a real fight. What if Zeep points out to her that she suffers from her own 'kool-aid', that she went right back into her shell of false security, that she exhibited the same weaknesses he did, made the same mistakes, and like him, finally saw the light. You have it in you to make this a very powerful scene.
Lastly, regards writing ability, style, and mechanics, you hit on all cylinders. This is an easy read with only a couple small errors, and it is filled with your voice, one that is tuned well for this type of story. It was a pleasure to read, and I hope you can find something useful in this review. If I can ever be of assistance to you, I am at your service. read
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Submissions by gapoz
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a screenplay by gapoz
A Heartless hitman finally finds love... as a Zombie.
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a screenplay by gapozGenres: drama
Heartwarming story of an old man and two teens, whose journeys meet, and lives change, at the Soul Diner.
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a screenplay by gapoz
A young boy with an extraordinary gift struggles, with the help of a motherly doctor and other gifted children,... more
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a screenplay by gapozA young woman's life becomes a nightmare when her husband is killed and her son disappears on a camping trip. Her... more
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a short film by gapozChildren shoud'nt watch scary movies before bed.
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Reviews by gapoz 918
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A review of Starry Nightby gapoz on 10/05/2012I see from your BIO that this is your first screenplay. Pretty damn impressive for a first effort. You obviously spent some time learning the craft along the way instead of just puking up something on the paper. That's a step ahead of many first efforts. On top of that, I think you have a nice style and voice and an imaginative story here. This is not a novel, and you obviously... I see from your BIO that this is your first screenplay. Pretty damn impressive for a first effort. You obviously spent some time learning the craft along the way instead of just puking up something on the paper. That's a step ahead of many first efforts. On top of that, I think you have a nice style and voice and an imaginative story here.
This is not a novel, and you obviously know that. You write in a clear, concise, active fashion. Most first efforts (or even 4th and 5th) exhibit a tendency to be too descriptive, but you seem to have put a lot of effort into being succinct. Good on you. There are some scattered mistakes in terms of grammar, an extra word here and there, an apostrophe where not needed, that kind of thing. Not enough to be distracting, but something you will want to do a full word by word check on at some point. The format itself looks a touch off in terms of top/bottom margins, and I did run across some strange bolding on occasion. You will want to correct that.
You use CONTINUOUS quite a bit when it is improper. Contrary to what many people think, it is not generally used to indicate that the time is unbroken, but rather to indicate the camera is unbroken, ie, it is following the subject. There is a lot of debate on this, but frankly, having worked with production companies, I can tell you with some confidence that you can simply avoid its use entirely and never get in trouble with it. Sticking with a simple DAY or NIGHT in scene headings works every time, and if needed, use an action line to specify any additional requirements time wise.
You open in 1986, according to your scene heading. There is no way for the viewer to know this, and additionally, since you later come to present day, you create age problems, because you don't have any idea when this will actually be made, or viewed. To overcome these problems, I would suggest using a SUPER: "18 Years Ago" (or whatever) at the opening scene, and then a SUPER: "Present Day" when you need it. This approach not only makes it clear what the time is to the viewer, but also maintains the time span effectively.
I like the insert of the crayon drawing. It indicates you have a good sense of using visuals to establish character, rather than just 'telling'. Good on you.
You can do better with the introduction of your primary characters. Terms such as handsome are frivolous. Everyone in movies is handsome unless otherwise noted. This is the one area where you are allowed to be a bit more verbose. Use this opportunity to give us some emotional description of the character. That will be useful in attracting actors to the role. Try and do this in as visual a style as you can.
p.4 The dialogue here between Jeff and Jill seems pedestrian, and some of it can be cut. Try and get to the meat of things as quickly as possible and then move on. I have a little problem understanding why Jeff is hiding this important part of his past from Jill, even to the point of pretending he doesn't even know anyone named Ashley. If you want to make this work as a point that triggers Jill's later anger and distrust, I think you need to work harder. Matt really paints himself into a corner here with this out and out lie. I don't understand why he would hide it, and certainly don't know why he would make some future confession so difficult by taking this route that gives him no way out. I think instead, some hint here that he is hiding something ultimately wo0rks better, though I really think you need to build a stronger reason for him hiding this at all. It was years ago. He's an adult now, and though he would obviously have suffered guilt over the years, that's part of what made him the person she fell in love with. I understand the point of this as a plot device. I just don't think it's particularly effective as is.
Also, just as a suggestion, I would consider changing names. Jeff and Jill are too close, and too many primary characters with short 4 letter names makes it harder to distinguish.
p.17 I'm not understanding why Stanley could get into trouble for taking pictures. He's a photographer isn't he? Fact is these papparazzi types, while a nuisance, have the legal right to do so, so I think you have to explain somehow how he goes over the line. Moreover, even if for some reason he could get into trouble, it makes no sense that he would tell Lisa that. Why would he willingly tell her she is in a position to blackmail him. Needs some work to be plausible. I was unable to find any instances where a photographer had been convicted of stalking simply for following someone and taking pictures.
Jimmy and Stanley got muddled in my mind throughout the work. I think they are too similar in too many ways. Jimmy is an ex-con on probation. Stanley has been in trouble. Both are fixated on Jill in various ways. Both serve as red herrings. I think your story can be made much cleaner by consolidating these characters.
General impressions and suggestions.
Reduce character count. Get rid of Jimmy or Stanley.
More focus on Jeff. This is his story right? Drive the story primarily from his perspective to give it greater focus and more depth to Jeff. Make us better understand and emphasize with him. I can't even remember what he does... Do we know his job and anything about him outside of his relationship with Jill? Make his goal clear and focus everything in the story around his pursuit of that goal. Same with Lisa. She can be made stronger in terms of her motivations. If she is going to go to the lengths of murder here, you need to make us believe she would, and make us understand why.
Read your dialogue out loud. Mommy and daddy? hmmm. While you are succinct in your descriptions, there is room to cut dialogue. Make sure you know the purpose of every scene, and get rid of anything that doesn't serve that purpose.
Overall, I much enjoyed the read, and I think you demonstrate a commitment to the craft and exhibit skill and talent. This is a breezy and fun read, and with some hard work and sharp focus, can be made an excellent script. As a first effort, it's quite good. Best of luck.
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A review of BORDERLANDSby gapoz on 10/03/2012Hey Damp. I was pleased to get the chance to return the favor with a freewill. I'm sorry it can't be a credited review that allowed me to give you a solid start. As you may or may not know, I have gotten a bit of a reputation as being a tough love style reviewer. I don't know if that's deserved or not, but I do try to be as honest as I can and give advice based on what I've... Hey Damp. I was pleased to get the chance to return the favor with a freewill. I'm sorry it can't be a credited review that allowed me to give you a solid start. As you may or may not know, I have gotten a bit of a reputation as being a tough love style reviewer. I don't know if that's deserved or not, but I do try to be as honest as I can and give advice based on what I've learned, always with the hope that it may serve to make the writer, and their script, better.
Let me start with that honesty. There is a lot here that can be improved, in all aspects. I suggest you look at that as an advantage, because it means moving forward provides you great opportunities to grow stronger.
TSL has such a wide and varied group in terms of knowledge and preference, that my guess is your reviews will be all over the place. Those that focus on the story, characters, and feel of the story, will likely give you good marks. Those who want to attack the technical merits will find valid targets. That's not a bad place to be, because the mechanics are something easy to improve on.
Imagination and creativity are basic gifts (IMHO) that you either have, or don't. I think you do, and therefore becoming a great storyteller (and scriptwriter) is within your grasp, because all the rest is a simple matter of learning, experimenting, and practicing.
I get the sense, from your postings, etc, that you are not greatly confident in your ability, and that putting your efforts out here was very difficult for you. It's a big step, but taken with the right attitude, a serious opportunity to refine your skills. My biggest and most important piece of advice would be to NEVER LET ANYONE KEEP YOU FROM WRITING AND SHARING. Write for yourself, and then share yourself with others. To hell with those that don't appreciate your gift.
What you have here is a small group of survivors after an apocalypse of sorts, struggling to find safety, and confronted by both a band of jerks, and the government. Not completely original, but truth is, there is nothing original. Everything is just a, hopefully, new perspective of the basic emotions and situations that we all write about. A good story is one we can emotionally attach ourselves to.
Regarding story, the biggest hurdle for me was trying to envision the means by which we got to this sad world you've created. The Occupy Movement goes violent and leads to a total breakdown in society. Given the reality, I'm left wondering how this occurs. How does this group of citizens fight against the government successfully to the point of this devastation. How do they manage to bring down society and fight against the machine. I realize this isn't the point of your story, but it does set up the environment of the story, and so needs to be believable. IMO, you can address this directly by pulling in elements of the machine to play against them, such as high ranking sympathizers within the military, that give access to weaponry, etc.. Or, you can skip this, and simply start after this revolution, explaining it (and the father relationship) through some flashbacks or VO.
Characters. This is the strongest part of your writing I think. The characters aren't superheroes. They are damaged, flawed, and real. Each is individual and distinctive. I especially liked the children. There are a few inconsistencies in character, but easily correctable. The biggest example I can remember is with Chuck. My mind kept wandering back to why he was at the brothel. If he didn't know the place and just dropped in, that would be fine. But they all knew him, like he was a long time customer, and that kept picking at my mind... Why? What would he go there for?
Writing. You suffer a little from over descriptive and/or repetitive or unfilmable, but your 'voice' and 'style' is marvelous, so again, this is something you can fix easily. Just as an example that addresses these observations, the last paragraph from page 5 and first of page 6.
"Elizabeth trudges down a country road, heavy duty boots on
her feet, her pack noticeably lighter. She wears an all
weather hat tied with string, ragged gloves on her hands, her
baseball bat swinging from a sling on her hip.
She pauses and pulls a map and compass out of her old jacket.
She consults the map and the compass and following the road
to a cross roads, where she turns to face west."
Consider:
"Elizabeth trudges along in heavy boots, ragged gloves, weathered hat strapped down. A baseball bat swings at her side.
She stops at a crossroad, checks map and compass, turns west."
Now, let's look at what was taken out, and why.
"Trudges down a country road."
Not needed because the scene heading tells us where she is.
"on her feet... on her hands.."
Not needed because obvious.
"pack noticeably lighter"
No basis for this. We never saw the pack before.
Making her stop at the crossroads makes this scene easier, and is more likely the spot where she would check directions.
The end result here is that we trim, thereby improving the pace (and the read).
I have always found it tremendously useful to paint the entire scene in my mind before describing it, or adding action. This allows you to write the important details and 'watch' your scene unfold as you write the actions.
Structure. I thought the structure was fine. Good job. I am not a 'beat sheet' nazi, so others may complain. I judge structure more by the pace and tension ebb and flow, and found this to be quite good in that regard.
In summary, here's my advice, applicable to whatever degree you find it useful, to all your screenplay writing projects.
1: Know the purpose of every scene. Know what it is meant to convey, how it moves the story forward, advances the plot, and/or develops the characters. Then be sure it does that, and nothing more. Can the 'point' of the scene be merged with another scene instead? If so, do it. More cost effective. If you can't answer these questions, get rid of the scene altogether.
2: Read every character through the story. With most software, you can isolate a specific character and just follow their dialogue. This is a great way to spot anything that is 'out of character', or conversely, to spot weaknesses in their arc that need to be further fleshed out.
3: Check your dialogue. Read it out loud. This is the best way to get rid of superfluous dialogue and get it sounding natural. Can you tell who is speaking without checking the name? Good. I think you do a good job with dialogue, but there are a few spots where it is repetitive. Often times writers do this because they want to emphasize a point, or be sure the audience 'gets it', but it is better to trust the audience, and augment with action rather than repeating a point verbally.
4: Check your actions and descriptive lines. Be sure every single word is required, and pay particular attention to 'seeing' these actions in your mind so that you 'paint' these images in the readers mind in the proper and believable sequence. This is a mistake many writers make, and I found it no more in your work than is average, but it is an area where we all can improve. The human mind creates images as we read, and when something is out of place, the mind scrambles to 'redraw' the scene or image, thus slowing down the story. Be sure the description of your scene setup, that paints the image in the reader's mind, contains everything that will be used when you start putting action in.
In summary. You got skillz and talent, and what is presented here is a good solid story with a nice concept to work from. The story elements and the journey are interesting, and the world is populated with believable people. Keep working with this and it can be polished into a real jewel. More importantly, your own gifts, skills, and talents can be substantially built upon as you rework this effort. I look forward to watching your progress! read -
A review of The Illusion of Safeby gapoz on 09/30/2012Hey Steph. I got right on this, determined to give you a timely, and hopefully helpful review. My reputation seems to have evolved into being a 'tough love' sort, that some like and some don't, but I'll be as honest as I can because I already know you have talent and experience, so trust you will use what seems useful to you. As expected, this is a professional quality presentation... Hey Steph. I got right on this, determined to give you a timely, and hopefully helpful review. My reputation seems to have evolved into being a 'tough love' sort, that some like and some don't, but I'll be as honest as I can because I already know you have talent and experience, so trust you will use what seems useful to you.
As expected, this is a professional quality presentation in terms of format. Action and description is concise, while still being descriptive. Your style and voice is apparent. It demonstrates a confidence in your ability, and rightfully so.
The story opens with a females panties at half mast, so you hooked me in the first action line. Cheater.
Your first line of dialogue.
"SUNNY
Hold still. You want this fucking duck up your quack?"
And you called me a show off?
Top of page 3: 'happens' = happen.
I only point that out because if you're anything like me, there's always a couple little things you become blind to after 20 reads.
I like Sunny. Reminds me of me.
"defcon five fidget mode" Nice :)
"INSOUCIANT" - Made me go look it up to be sure I knew what it meant. I was right. Yay me.
p.4 "Should I have texted?" - sigh. like a still shot of today's youth. Nicely done.
Love the easy dialogue between Katie and Kyle. Builds a solid picture of their relationship, establishes facts I'm certain will come into play, and is totally believable. Good job.
p.12 "Snuff juice trickles out of the corner of her mouth." Made coffee come outta my nose.
p.15 Katie's 'bad feeling' seems too telling, if that makes sense. It practically screams that the trip is trouble, when the previous set up already was doing a good job foreshadowing. I think a simple look of concern after she says "Don't go" and Kyle laughs, would put a fine point on this without hammering it. Then drop the "No, I mean it..." line and the "Sis. Please stop." from Kyle's response. Then Kyle's response starts with "This job..." as a reaction to her look of concern. Just a thought.
p.20
"Her strain is visible to all but the Husband and Wife." I wasn't aware that anyone other than the 3 of them were in the office.
p.39 Katie giving Zeep a new hat, with straps!, was cool :)
p.40 Again, a minor suggestion, so feel free to ignore, but when Zeep pats her hand, I'd get rid of the 'there, there...". Then when she cries in earnest and he holds her and pats her back, I would again get rid of the 'there, there' and just use "You're a brave girl". I think this would give it more visual import.
p.45 top. Kyles dialogue to, or sparked by, the sharks, didn't ring natural to me, and I think misses a chance to be more visually emotional. I would consider replacing 'Please, stop' with a worried groan, and the "Go away. Go away. Somebody, please, help" with a frantic scanning of the water, a desperate plea in his eyes to see someone, something, out there. The pounding on the board is good, and coupled with a worried search of the horizon would have a solid emotional impact. Again, just before the dolphin saves his ass, I would increase the tension and replace his dialogue with action, maybe THUMPING a shark on its snout as it passes, almost losing his balance and falling in, etc. I think raising the tension here adds impact to the joy the dolphin brings.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you! You beautiful, magical, magnificent beings!"
I like this, but for some reason, my brain changed it to:
"Thank you, you magical, magnificent son of a fish!"
p.49-50 With the fire exchange, I think this is a place where dialogue, even a simple emphatic NO! would play better than simply shaking her head.
p.52 I'll have to remember that nipple trick the next time my wife is depressed... Wonder what that will get me :)
p.56 Bit confused as to why Katie has been wearing a brace she hasn't needed. Habit? Part of her plan?
p.61 "She's my final duck. Time to start a new life." Nicely done.
p.66
Just a rest for a moment. Katie has found Kyle now, and it would seem all is well, except that Zeep is gone and the focus here must obviously change to whatever mysterious plans he had from the start.. ok, onward we go.
p.70 Just finished finding out Zeep's story, at least in part. The question that arises to me is the timing of all this. Zeep loses his leg and is rescued by Marcus's ship and they find some of this treasure Zeep had. Now Zeep, worried about them putting 2 and 2 together, a logical concern, is in somewhat of a race. What I don't get, is how Zeep wins this race. If he lost his leg and had to not only recover from that, but be fitted with an artificial leg, and train with it, etc.. then I don't get how the 'bad' guys hadn't already been back and snagged the treasure.
Not sure exactly what Kyle is recovering from, or how much time has passed here, and I think that's important, considering the treasure hunt. Was Kyle actually injured, or just exhaustion?
p.73 "Abandon ship!" funny.
p.79 "You're wrong. Time is not money. Time is life." Awesome line! Showoff :)
p.80 Bingo. Back brace question answered. Disregard previous comment on same.
p.86 "stokes" = strokes... unless of course this crazy new Katie set the duck on fire...
p.92 Check Katies dialogue. There is an unneeded 'is'.
Alrighty then. How can I help you make this better... I dunno. Truthfully, I always hated challenges that forced you to work certain things in, but I can see the value in them. Hell, I set my own challenges with Zombody to love.
Your notes indicate the requirements were:
" the story had to revolve around some sort of illusion, had to have a ticking clock element, the protag had to arc 180 degrees and the elements of: a herb, an unusual animal or sidekick, and an object you could fit in your palm had to be woven into the story in a significant way"
I don't think the inclusions hurt the story, so that's the most important thing. The 'elements' were certainly woven into the story in a significant way, but did they strengthen the story? That's harder to say, since we don't know what your own creativity and imagination might have incorporated in their stead. The whole duck thing actually fit in quite nicely I think, and you filled the bill with unusual sidekick both in Zeep, and to a lesser degree, with the zany chick Katie worked with in the start. After reading your 'requirements', I couldn't help but wonder if little miss zany was originally going to serve the purpose of being the unusual sidekick, given how detailed she was.
Structurally, I found this interesting. It followed the promise of the log line, but not without fooling the reader/viewer. It was easy to lose track of Katie's 'true' theme, goal, or challenge, which is summarized beautifully when Katie says 'time is not money. time is life'. There are other places where the theme, which to me was 'there is no promise of safety in life' was stated more directly, but emotionally, I think Katie's noted line was the most powerful in the script. In the telling of the story, the reader/viewer is taken to a false ending, mistakenly coming to believe that the rescue of her brother is the ultimate goal, and then discovering it's not, eventually understanding that it serves as the experience, or catalyst, that ultimately allows her to make that change, even after her relapse into false security.
One area I think can be tightened, is something that I suffer from as well, and in fact you gently pointed out to me. That is the occasional heavy handedness of making sure we 'get the point'. This is a subtle problem, and one that is always difficult to balance. The importance of making sure your audience understands what you need/want them too, but allowing them the sense of 'discovering' it on their own, and feeling good about themselves for getting it. I have touched on this in a few specifics in the notes above. But this is a minor issue here, and one that can easily fall to the other side of the fence if attacked with too much gusto. That's a very real problem as well, since we, as writers, know our story so intimately and oft times can't understand when a reader doesn't get it.
I found the characters themselves to be well defined, personable, and unique. Job well done in that regard. Dialogue was crisp, realistic, and expressive of character, except in a few spots where I think opportunities to say less and show it instead, were missed.
I think the tone was consistent throughout. The only jarring changes were when Zeep sucked her breast, which was a surprising but effective action, and then in the end when she changes and trashes her apartment. I think maybe a slight toning down there might be helpful, as the point is certainly made before she wrecks the whole place.
I think too, in this reconciliation with Zeep scene, you can draw more emotion here. She loves him. We all know that at this point. She knows it. He knows it. She was hurt, and as women will do, she wants to make sure he gets how badly she was hurt, and pays for it to some extent, but I think you can draw deeper here and make this more emotional, rather than just a 'timed' event, if that makes any sense. It kind of comes across as a 'how many times does he have to apologize before she accepts' kind of feeling, and I think with your talent, you can 'live this out' better internally and get more emotion and depth here. This is a standoff, when it could be a real fight. What if Zeep points out to her that she suffers from her own 'kool-aid', that she went right back into her shell of false security, that she exhibited the same weaknesses he did, made the same mistakes, and like him, finally saw the light. You have it in you to make this a very powerful scene.
Lastly, regards writing ability, style, and mechanics, you hit on all cylinders. This is an easy read with only a couple small errors, and it is filled with your voice, one that is tuned well for this type of story. It was a pleasure to read, and I hope you can find something useful in this review. If I can ever be of assistance to you, I am at your service. read -
A review of Unseenby gapoz on 09/28/2012Let me start with my 'real time' reading notes, which may make queries that are subsequently answered, but serve to show where I, as a viewer/reader, am at any given point. ***** Reading notes Got sucked in pretty quick. Format and mechanics seem solid. Vertical read. Tight descriptions. Like Derek and Evan and their interactions. Nice set up of the family. p.8 I think Derek... Let me start with my 'real time' reading notes, which may make queries that are subsequently answered, but serve to show where I, as a viewer/reader, am at any given point.
***** Reading notes
Got sucked in pretty quick. Format and mechanics seem solid. Vertical read. Tight descriptions.
Like Derek and Evan and their interactions. Nice set up of the family.
p.8 I think Derek gives up and goes home a little hastily. Seems to me he would have searched a bit longer, knowing his brother wouldn't have run off home without telling him.
So it looks like a cop gets Evan. If he doesn't take him home, we know he's the bad guy.
Derek and his dad see this cop and don't stop him to report Evan? Even after Derek suggest that? hmmm. Bit of a stretch to me.
Too much TV news here. Cut the dialog and focus on the family in my opinion. 3 days go by and we didn't live any of it. No amber alert? No big searches. No police involvement. Skipping a lot of potential emotional stuff here.
p.15 okay, so it seems the dad is a drunk that blames Derek. It's been 3 days and seems the father has done nothing but sit around drinking.
Dad has become a jerk that has written off his son. Mother supports Derek, but way too much dialog here. Also, mom more concerned with Derek's sports future than her lost kid... and Derek too it seems. I mean, he's talking about how he can't think about which school to attend and leaving his brother, but he's poring over sports mags. Seems his actions oppose his dialog. And mom is now at the point of 'hope and pray' being all that can be done. What exactly has been done? We had some tv news and a short scene of Derek walking the woods again, but that's it.
p.20 Derek's parents get killed because of his drunk driving and we skip 2 years. Derek consumed with his brother's loss, still thinks and talks about him, even as his life has spiraled to the bottom.
Derek meets a couple of unrealistic cops, who I can only assume will turn out to be the ones that took his brother, and whammo, we skip ahead through another 2 years.
p.28 A lot of fat to get here, after again catching us up with Dereks life. Now this kid gets snagged and the mom, sees Derek, clearly alone, but thinks he has her kid for some reason.
Starting to really push the bounds of believability here. Why was Derek taken into custody? Just because he happened to be around?
I don't get why the police that just let him go were coming after him. The bad guy cop set this up? How?
p.38 This scene with the elderly lady doesn't ring true, and Derek smiling doesn't either.
You changed the elderly lady to old lady. Keep consistent.
p42-- alright. I gotta say, I'm damn confused here to find Michelle outside and apparently discover these kids aren't locked in. Afraid I'm not buying it, although I expect some explanation to be forthcoming. This newest kid in particular. 7 years old, been kidnapped and thrown in this basement, and seems he's already adapted?
p.44 I'm afraid this is quickly losing any sense of realism, and that's really disappointing. This cop just blows this guy away in his car for no reason.
p.45 I can't follow the images here at the lake. This guy Mike is a cop that has thus far kidnapped 3 kids that we know of, and at least 2 of them are totally fine with their status at this point. Now the cop has killed 3 people, including a ranger. He was close enough from his car to Dereks to kill the ranger, but not to get Mike.. It's just not playing out visually in my head. Then Derek is out of the car and attacks Mike from behind?
p.46 what person who's car was stolen? The car Derek stole?
p.48 this flashback to Murphy and Mike just wrecks this story. Mike was threatening his family with a gun in a drunken stupor and this guy covers that up for him? And on top of that, he talks to Mike, who then, assumably sets up Derek and talks the cops into going after this kid they just let go, and his old partner that knows he's a shithead buys into this?
p.50 I'm afraid this is getting more and more messy and unrealistic. Michelle confesses everything when she's sure Mikes gone... but never once just left, even though Mike was gone for days at a time on occasion. And this is a teenager.. And these cops put all this together all of a sudden. And we had this flashback of Mike killing other cops. Where did that come from? You can't have someone that was never there flashback to something they never saw, and nothing ever became of any of this?
p.55 Evan finally does soemthing and is rewarded by being killed and cut up.. great.
A bit hard to fathom why Mike, who indiscriminately kills cops and others suddenly takes such great pains to hide Evan in 5 different spots.
p.56 detective Murphy pulls up in the drive thru, smiling and joking, to tell Derek they found his dead brother..
What is the point of this airplance scene? It adds nothing to the story. In fact, the whole sequence of getting Derek to Texas is just a waste of time and money. Just put him in Texas. We can figure out the rest.
p.64 huh? Why did Kadiz say he did it? Did what? Kidnapped his daughter?
p.67 Not buying this story at all. Besides that, this doesn't jive with previous scene, where it seemed to me that Evan got killed pretty much right after they took the girl, so how is he in a hardware store.
I just now found out Evan was black... This should have been part of his description. Why is Derek asking if he knows the guy's name? Derek already knows who it is. Why even bother going to see this guy in prison? What does he hope to learn? He knows more about it then the girls father would. Now, suddenly her father is a gang member? This nice family that was just described? Who reported her kidnapping? Why was her father imprisoned for murder with no body?
So these cops never checked 'tent city' but it's right there on the first page of the file, and even though they know all this info about how some cash deal was going on with the owner and this black guy and white guy...
p.75 Why is Derek stealing cars? He obviously had money to get to Texas, get a room, etc.. but now he just casually is a car thief..
p.81 so now Mike has escaped yet again, quite easily, and lives in a grand house in Mexico. um, where does Mike get his money from?
p.83 You left out a huge chunk of story here. How is it that Derek shows up? What's the driver doing while Derek deals with Mike? Just standing there and waiting for his turn to be tied up?
Totally unsatisfying end.
***** End reading notes
Bottom line. I really liked this idea, and I thought the opening set up was well crafted. Unfortunately, from there on it went down hill in its execution, becoming ever more unbelievable and eventually simply casting plausibility and realism out the window. That's a shame I think, because you really got me hooked early on. You have tons of action here, which is good, but you don't sufficiently 'stage' the action to make it play realistically. A bad cop works fine, but you make every cop and every form of law enforcement look totally inept. The police, knowing the bad guy, never do anything constructive. Derek's 'investigating' and confrontations with Mike are always so easy, or even worse, totally contrived. Mike's escapes are so simple and easy. Then you completely skip huge parts, like how Derek tracks Mike to Mexico and puts himself in position to catch him.
Listen, I'm a fan of setting aside a lot in order to entertain, but you go way too far here in disregarding logic. You can drive trucks through some of the holes you left open. You give away all sense of believability and realism here to advance your goals, and I think that's the wrong approach to the story. You have tons of dialog and sometimes entire scenes here that serve no purpose to your story. What is the story? What is it you want us to take away from all this? I thought it was about losing a brother and relentlessly seeking justice, but it's not. Derek just happens into the circumstances that move toward that end, until he gets to Texas. And then the pursuit to Mexico isn't even told.
I think there is a LOT of potential here, but you need to decide what your story is. Where is your focus? Action and adventure seems to be, but that misses the heart. I suggest focusing on Derek, telling the entire story through his eyes, making him proactive in his relentless search to bring justice. Cut this whole time span down, and most importantly, bring some damn justice to Mike in the end, not turning him over to the same clowns that have done nothing but play simple minded idiots throughout the story. Make the actions real, in the sense that we BELIEVE how these people act and react. You have the talent. You have the idea. Now LIVE this story as you write it and you will wind up with something special. Just my 2 cents.
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A review of Ha Ha You're Deadby gapoz on 09/27/2012Your screenplay shows a lot of imagination, and offers up some truly funny moments. Unfortunately, for me, it crosses the line from humor into silliness too often to be considered a serious piece of work. It feels like you threw everything in and hoped it would gel. It doesn't, at least for me. I'm not sure who your target audience is here. I am a fan of comedy, and a fan... Your screenplay shows a lot of imagination, and offers up some truly funny moments. Unfortunately, for me, it crosses the line from humor into silliness too often to be considered a serious piece of work. It feels like you threw everything in and hoped it would gel. It doesn't, at least for me. I'm not sure who your target audience is here.
I am a fan of comedy, and a fan of zombies, so I was looking forward to this. Zombieland is one of my favorites, and I was hoping this would be as imaginative and funny, or at least in the same category. I do think you have a basis here, it just seems to lack any sort of discipline in putting it together. It's fine to throw everything on the page as you create your story. Get all those zany ideas and one liners in there, but then you have to refine, tighten, and polish. This doesn't seem like any of that was done.
Breaking rules is fine by me, and I have no problem with suspending belief, but you have to create your own rules, and follow them. Make us understand the reality your work operates within, or else you just have chaos. Here we have zombies that run. Ok. Strange, but what the hell, they're your zombies and if you want them to run, so be it. But what happens when you shoot a zombie? Well, sometimes it affects them, sometimes it doesn't.. huh? Zombies that run from a fist fight but not a gun. Zombies that want to bury the living.. Ok, cool idea, but why? And why no consistency with what they want? If there is no basis to work from, it doesn't work. You need to make sure the audience understands your creation.
Nick, who I assume we should be cheering for, makes that very hard. He's a self absorbed jerk, and I'm wondering if we are supposed to think he's retarded as well. What are we to think about an 18 year old kid that is obsessed with PJB and kool-aid, and walks into Best Buy and tries to pay with monopoly money? A guy that kills his cat and wants to buy friends. Now, granted, in the end he's at the other side of an arc, suddenly appreciating his friends.. But how did he get there? What changed him? Where was the soul searching or catalyst moment that brought such an epiphany? I must have missed it. He was just suddenly different because?
I realize this is not supposed to be war and peace, and we don't need the depth and precision of character that other types of stories demand, but we do need some effort to make whatever zany world and people you want us to invest time in to seem real within the universe you create, and this just strikes me as a run away train where you slap on foolishness and hope some of it gets laughs. Well, some of it does, but that's not what makes a movie worth watching. You severely overplay some of the running gags and dialogue. Oh, hell no was said so often it became annoying and tiresome, and makes Nick a one note song. The idea of PBJs and kool aid also grew tiresome and the ending was not only silly but indicated that Nick was really the same jerk introduced at the start.
Nick robs a bank and nothing becomes of it. Nothing at all. It's just a dead meaningless scene to get him some money. That's realistic in this world you made? The news crew can't fly over because it's a restricted zone, having been totally barricaded overnight, but supply helicopters are flown in to 18 year old Nick, including guns and ammo... Nick, who has no job or money, has plenty of weapons... All this makes sense in this world?
I think you have a lot of talent, but I don't think you applied it well here. You know the nuts and bolts of writing an SP. The flow is good, actions and descriptions sufficient but not overworked, etc. I often felt this movie was laughing at something, and too often, it seemed to be laughing at me. I think the worse thing that could happen to this SP, is for you to get a lot of good reviews from people that have no idea what a good screenplay is, or what makes one good. That would encourage you to think you have something better here. This could be good. It might even have a chance to be made marketable, but not without a lot of work. If you want to break 'world rules', you have to give us a 'new world' where such action and characters can be believed. You need to follow the basics of story building, scene progression, and character development, regardless of what type of story you are telling. Far too many scenes here jump around directionless, serving only themselves, with no real meaning to the story. I suggest you look at each scene, ask yourself how it builds character, how it advances the story, how it leads into the next scene. If you can't answer those questions, the scene isn't needed, no matter how funny you may think it is.
I wish you the best of luck with this. You really do have talent, imagination, and a grasp of the basic screen writing form. Now you need discipline and clear direction. read -
A review of The Cannibalsby gapoz on 09/24/2012Hello, Harriet. Long time member, first time reader... of your work. I'm going to start with the notes I jotted down during the read, and then summarize my overall feelings after completion. Because of this approach, some reading notes may resolve themselves later in the story, but I think it's important that you know the impressions in 'real time'. ***** Reading notes 1st... Hello, Harriet. Long time member, first time reader... of your work.
I'm going to start with the notes I jotted down during the read, and then summarize my overall feelings after completion. Because of this approach, some reading notes may resolve themselves later in the story, but I think it's important that you know the impressions in 'real time'.
***** Reading notes
1st impression: Fast start, with Ionie and Stuart somewhat clumsily killing Deb. Lots of white. Good format. Vertical read. A good first impression that tells me to sit back, relax, and enjoy, as I am in good hands.
p.3 Stuart tells Ionie she has to do the knife thing so he can 'honestly' say he didn't kill her. I'm not convinced this works, either on a moral ground, or as 'avoidance' in terms of a lie detector test. With regard to a lie detector, if he believes it to be true, then it might work, but what kind of questioner wouldn't ask 'around' this basic question, such as "Did you have anything to do with your wife's death". Likely not a big deal, but I try to read with a critical eye and let the author decide what is important.
p.6 "You're unbelievable, do you know that?" - funny line, and fleshes out Stuart's character nicely, although I think it 'paces' better without 'do'.
I suspect putting her in the coat closet is required for story purposes, although it seems an otherwise bad choice. No bed to stash her under or something else? Obviously this is basic to your plot device, but it comes at the expense of the character development you have established, demonstrating that perhaps Stuart isn't so bright after all.
p.10 Little thing, but "As they lift her and carry her clumsily towards the closet, the arc of her skirt falling to the ground makes it look as if she is levitating." I don't quite get this picture. Two people carrying a dead body 'clumsily' makes this image hard to get. Obviously she can't be in rigor, having just been killed, so I have to assume they are carrying her face down? None of this would be confusing if they simply carried her clumsily and the rest was dropped.
Placing her 'gently' in the closet doesn't fit with Stuart's behavior.
p.14 Stuart pours wine on the blood stain. This idea that he was enjoying a glass of wine and 'accidentally' spills some doesn't fit with his 'plausible deniability'. ie. if he was asked about this, he can't truly say it was an accident.
p.16 "Stuart shouts to her from the outside." This seems odd. Stuart knows that he has already buzzed the cook in and she is approaching the front door. That he would shout is a bit edgy on his part.
p.23 at this point, have noticed a few typos, but with some of the expressions used, not sure if they are intentional or not, so not noting them.
Also running through my mind is why they chose to murder Deb so close to the arrival time for this party, or why they choose to do it before the party at all, rather than at some other time. It is not clear at this point why that would be necessary.
p.26 "That Daniel got the Jenko case and you didn't.". Seems redundant. Would leave it at "That Daniel got the Jenko case."
p.35 Still basically making introductions here. I must admit, at this point I'm seeing this as a stage production.
There are some action lines that seem a bit poorly phrased, such as this, from p.36:
"Janie takes a step away from a staring Robbie towards Stuart."
I'm a bit confused with the Janie, Robbie thing. Was this supposed to be a blind date kinda thing? They know each other right? But she seems surprised he's black?
There seems to be a few places where people 'roll their eyes'. That's kind of a no no, as actors hate that expression.
p.40 Janie says "Well I’m certain it’s none of your business, whatever happened.". This strikes me as odd for her character, since she was just so excited to discover who Elouise is. A bit rude.
At page 46 now, and I think all the players are here. Pretty deep in at this point and things moving fairly slow. A lot of chit chat, walking to the bar and back, etc. Still interested, but not to the degree I was at the start.
p.64 Janie and the closet seems contrived.
I kinda saw this phone thing coming, but I question why he would have put the phone in the closet, even if he did think it was the right phone. He never considered that it might ring?
***** end reading notes
I think you have an excellent style and voice, coupled with obvious skill and knowledge with the craft. None of that helps you though, right?
Here are the problem areas (for me), and how they might be strengthened.
1: I never got the sense of this being a movie. It simply struck me as a stage play. Now I understand the desire to keep this a closed location. That does much to improve the odds of having it produced. But to do so, you must find a way to make it more cinematic. Frankly, I don't have much to offer in terms of how you might do that, other than to use more action and build a lot more tension. Much of this is simply dialogue, and quite of bit of that really does nothing to move the story forward. In fact, a lot is just filler, like the whole Jenko case thing, that does little to add to the story, move it forward, or build characters. It seems to just be an unneeded tangent that at it's core confuses the motivations.
2: Motivation. I think this needs to be more clear. Being based primarily on character, you can do much more to let the audience know what drives these people. Why do they feel and act the way they do. Why does Janie hate Stuart and distrust him? Why is Lionie engaged to Daniel but apparently in love with Stuart? What is the point of the jealousy between Daniel and Stuart? That tends to confuse the motivation for the killing, especially since Stuart's feeling for Lionie seem false. Most importantly, WHY IS THE MURDER COMMITED NOW? Why not the next day, when no party is planned? What is the driving force that DEMANDS Stuart take this risk today?
3: Tension. Not enough of it. Stuart voluntarily places himself into this situation, by choosing to murder his wife on the day of the party. It's imperative that we understand WHY he had NO OTHER CHOICE. Stuart, cool as he has been established to be, SCREAMS out the fact that he wants nobody to open the closet door, basically flagging that something is hidden there.
I had a hard time understanding why the fact that Deb wasn't there never rose to a level of concern or suspicion on anyone's part. Even Janie, convinced that something was afoot, never really pushes to open the closet. Nothing surprising or unplanned ever really happens here. Stuart knows from the start that he has to keep anyone from opening the closet, and everything in the story revolves around that. The dress being in the closet, the need to get her phone, the idea of getting a scarf. These all seem minor and contrived, and really do little to build tension. I think what's lacking is things that go way wrong for Stuart. Things that he could not have anticipated.
Putting her in the closet in the first place seems contrived. Why not stuff her under the bed instead, making it pretty obvious that Stuart doesn't have to worry about her being discovered, and then TURN THE SITUATION, where the possibility becomes real. Maybe a burglar from upstairs inadvertently kills someone and flees out the window, crashing into Stuarts apartment and holding everyone hostage as he tries to plan an escape. He forces everyone into the bedroom, and now the discovery of Deb's body is a very real possibility. Maybe Stuart sees an opportunity to somehow make it seem like this intruder is responsible for the death. A wild idea, yes, but that's what is needed here to put a fire into this things belly. Something unexpected, that forces Stuart into a whole new plan, rather than his simple need to keep anyone from opening the closet.
What if someone else calls Deb, and Lionie answers, not realizing she has Deb's phone. What if someone calls Lionie and the phone in the closet starts ringing? What if when the blood/wine stain was discovered, one of the guests has a great solution for removing wine stains, even though it isn't worth shit for other types of stains, like blood.
In essence, Stuart faces one simple problem as it is. Keep people out of the closet. I don't think that's enough. Stuart has to be DRIVEN to take this risk (killing Deb today), and consistently tested throughout in order to keep it secret. His skill, daring, calm persona, and quick thinking, has to be constantly challenged.
You showcase an excellent ear for dialogue, but waste much of it on idleness that doesn't move the story, instead of using it to give us insight on the motivations and relationships between these people.
In short, I think you have a lot of skill, and an idea here that can be made quite entertaining. But I think you need some work here to make it more cinematic, tension filled, and understandable in terms of the audience knowing the motivations and relationships. Should we be hoping that Stuart gets caught? Or that he gets away with it? You need to make certain your audience is rooting for some specific outcome here. To me, as it stands, Stuart is a jerk and I hope he gets caught.
I hope something in my review is of use to you, and wish you the best with this.
read -
A review of Earth Dayby gapoz on 09/23/2012I had the great pleasure of reading the first act of this, way back when, and was thrilled to have it finally assigned. The start was as memorable as I... remembered. Since there was so little to complain about, I nit picked, in the hopes it would point out a few very minor errors you are probably blind to after a hundred passes. They follow, within my reading notes. *****... I had the great pleasure of reading the first act of this, way back when, and was thrilled to have it finally assigned. The start was as memorable as I... remembered.
Since there was so little to complain about, I nit picked, in the hopes it would point out a few very minor errors you are probably blind to after a hundred passes. They follow, within my reading notes.
***** Reading notes
p.3. 'alongside' is used twice in rapid order. Suggest changing one of them. 'spacecrafts' sounds odd. Isn't spacecraft both singular and plural?
p.10 "If human lives must be taken in the process of accomplishing this, I, and the people I represent, will not investigate further."
This sounds a little awkward somehow. I'm thinking maybe there is a reason for it to be phrased this way, so will wait to understand why it isn't simple and clean, like maybe "If human life is lost, so be it".
p.24 "There are few moving cars, many are have left their cars." Something wrong with this sentence.
p.47 It's a bit confusing where Clemon 'melts' Mandela. Took me a double read at first to see who was touching who. You have 'He' used quite a bit here, even though I think the reference to 'who' is 'he' changes. Just put a reference or two by name here and this will clear up.
p.50 'buckling' should be bucking?
Just as a note, I'm missing Spud. He's been away too long.
p.52 Clemon stomps through the entrance. We are in the clothing store, but judging from the next scene, Clemon is stomping into the mall entrance. Might want to clarify that.
p.53 Clemons getting on the escalator going the wrong way is funny, but creates an awkward vision, since stepping on a 'down' escalator from the bottom would immediately put you back off the escalator. likewise in the other direction.
p.54 'it heard' = 'is heard'
"Sorry. But you need to barricade us in. We’re going to have visitors."
This seems to be two unrelated statements here. Might be smoother to put some simple action line after the 'Sorry', which addresses Max regards the baby, and the rest, which is a different topic.
p.57 "We’ve tried killing you on sight. Many times. You can keep running,
or you can change your approach."
This seems a little backwards somehow, since it seems Villa is confessing Lyra's approach has been pretty successful, and Villa is the one actually changing her approach, while telling Lyra she should change hers.
p.58 "I don’t know. Who remembers?" Redundant by nature. I'd just go with "Who remembers?"
p.63 I don't get the mom and pop exchange. Likely I'm just dumb.
p.64 'a oddly' = 'an oddly'
A bit hard to believe the panic would have died down.
p.66 The bad guys are tracking Suzanne. Hope the reason why, or how they latched on to her, is explained, since I don't remember anything that explains it. I may have just missed it though.
p.100 "He's throw into" = "thrown"
p.107 "Lyra steps out the gazebo" Needs 'of'
***** end nit picking reading notes.
I loved this, top to bottom. In the heat of battle on the ship, I'll confess to getting lost a couple times trying to envision everything, but I didn't really care because the action was rocking.
I wish I could be of use in giving you something that would improve this, but I just don't see any big problems with it. The one thing that will hurt in terms of getting it made, is of course the cost. This is big budget and not based on a previously known character. But it's a hell of a romp in my opinion. Action is intense, characters are sharply defined, individual, and have a satisfying arc. Even manage to get a few life lessons thrown in without preaching. A great effort. High marks are deserved. Best of luck. read -
A review of The Graveyard Patrol (Second Draft)by gapoz on 09/17/2012Please be advised that once a particular 'type' of problem is noted, I won't feel obliged to point it out every time it repeats. So, if you find validity in a suggestion, be sure to apply it uniformly throughout. I tend to note heavily in the first 10-15 pages and then slack off a bit, since the type of problems will usually show up early, at least in regard to typos, punctuation,... Please be advised that once a particular 'type' of problem is noted, I won't feel obliged to point it out every time it repeats. So, if you find validity in a suggestion, be sure to apply it uniformly throughout.
I tend to note heavily in the first 10-15 pages and then slack off a bit, since the type of problems will usually show up early, at least in regard to typos, punctuation, format, etc. The notes between **** are those I took while reading, so sometimes the things they address are answered within the script and I just haven't gotten to them yet.
**** Reading notes
1st impressions - Format and layout is good. Ample white space. Scene heading. NIGHT should be the last thing in the line. If it is important to the viewer to know this is the 1890's, then that should be SUPER on an action line.
You introduce a 'dark figure' and a 'priest' in the first scene, and name them in the second scene. This is a bit confusing. Name them when first introduced to avoid the confusion. There is no reason not to. At least I assume that Gideon is the priest...
The second paragraph has the priest exit 'the end door' and 'barely notice' the ragged figure. Which end did he enter from? Is he moving toward us in the hallway or away from us? Does he see the ragged figure or doesn't he? Is the ragged figure the same as the dark figure? Try and keep references to a character the same, so as not to confuse who they are. If this is Bastien, and he was introduced as such and then described as a ragged figure, this would be more clear. As it reads, the priest sees this figure but doesn't deem it of any importance. Is that what is intended?
Now in the second scene we have the 'figure' entering the bedroom and seeing an 'old man' (Gideon). Is this 'figure' the same as the 'ragged figure' and the 'dark figure' and Bastion? There have been a half dozen references to various characters and I suspect only 2 real characters thus far.
Again, all this can easily be corrected by simply introducing Bastion and Gideon by name and bringing the rest in by description.
I love the descriptive work in this scene of Gideon, but am a bit confused in the second paragraph where Bastion is looking at Gideon. Is the description here a continuation of describing Gideon, or does it describe Bastion, who is looking at him. If it's Gideon, I think it can be combined and trimmed a bit. If it's Bastien, he seems very similar to Gideon.
"You!" Gideon says to Bastion, terrified. Now I'm confused. If indeed Gideon was the priest we saw walking down the hall, and he 'barely noticed' Bastion, it seems odd to ignore him then but be terrified now. Unless the priest is someone entirely different. At any rate, my point is simply that these introductory sequences can (and should) be made more clear.
Third scene jumps back 20 years, but no way for the audience to know that. Technically this would be a flashback, unless you intend to stay back in that timeframe. In any case, this needs to be made clear to the audience by using SUPER to detail the time frame.
p.2 Gideon addresses a middle aged widow. We can see middle aged, but can't tell she is a widow, so no need to say it. If it is important to know, find a way to reference it that we can see or hear. I can only assume this is Mrs. Cattermole, since she speaks in the scene but has not been introduced. Again, such references are a burden to casting and confusing to the reader. If the widow is Mrs. Cattermole then simply introduce her as such.
The reference to the casket should be made in the original scene description. Our mental image has formed of Gideon speaking softly to the widow and now suddenly must paint in a casket beside them when she speaks. The same can be said of Gideon's son, Mathew. Set this entire scene prior to putting action in play so that the reader does not have to rebuild the scene as it unfolds.
"Several caskets are laid out in the somber room. Gideon stands beside an open casket, speaks softly to MRS. CATTERMOLE, middle aged.
Gideons's son, MATHEW (30), stands nearby, listens."
This way we have the entire scene set and you can proceed to action without forcing us to 'redraw' as elements are added.
If Robert is in the casket and we are going to see him, that too should be in the opening description. Also, he 'lies' in the casket. Someone 'layed' him in there, but now he 'lies'.
p.3 "... a dead man laying upon on a slab" = " a dead man lying on a slab."
SERVANT should be capitalized when first referenced, especially since he will speak. I realize there are differing opinions on what characters need to be capped, but I would advise you that nobody bitches when you cap a character that maybe doesn't require it, but missing one that does will cause problems.
I am also noticing some punctuation errors, most predominantly with commas. This is an area you may want to review. It is not burdensome, but pro readers will mentally tick them off.
p.4 Your scene headers here can be refined. For an initial spec, I would suggest using PARTRIDGE HOME/VARIOUS - DAY as the master and then using slugs to move around the house. That's the way I generally do it, although with those couple of scripts that have actually gone to budgeting, I am invariably asked to set out scene headers for every change of camera location. Still, for initial purposes it helps clarify the ease of reading. Example:
LOUNGE
Mathew consoles the widow... --
UPSTAIRS BEDROOM
Gideon measures.. --
LOUNGE
Gideon rejoins Mathew..
Consider trimming your descriptions and removing unneeded words, especially multiple 'ands'. Example:
"...stiff and waxy and unusually grey amongst the colourful decor."
"...stiff, waxy, and unusually grey amongst the colourful decor."
These are minor of course, and you do an excellent job of being descriptive without being overly flowery or wordy, but every little bit helps. One oddity of screenwriting (as opposed to normal writing rules) is that sentence fragment are not only allowed, but often times encouraged, as they help to control the pace and flow of the read.
p.4 The maids having kissed the dead mans neck is well played, although I'm not sure why Gideon would consider this such a taboo, or why he would share any suspicions with a grieving widow. Seems petty at this point, but I'll withhold judgement.
Ok, the very next paragraph you confirm the 'pettiness' of Gideon, as the maid has been fired. But I don't understand why what could simply have been a show of respect, loss, and genuine affection for her employer was so harshly dealt with. Now if the lipstick had been elsewhere...
p.5 Two new characters here. Edna, the maid it seems, and Gideon's invalid father. Very little description leads me to believe they are minor players. The scene on the rooftop would flow better if it was described first and the elements detailed. i.e. A rooftop with bird coops and gardens..
p.6 Market street set-up seems jarring. I don't envision a university in the same setting as a typical market. No Need to open flower stall scene with --flower stall. We know this from the scene heading.
p.9 I won't continue to mention this, but again the scene set-up is incomplete and forces us to 'go back' and redraw the image. "Edna goes back to feeding the old man". Is Gideon the old man? Or is his father in the room? How does she 'go back' to doing something we never saw her doing?
This is a simple matter of looking at the entirety of the scene, it's purposes and actions, and then starting it by setting the stage with everything we need.
* Finally, near the end of the scene we see that the grandfather is there.
This scene played a bit oddly for me. It is about sharpening the distinctions between Gabriel and Mathew in regard to compassion, but seems to be focused on the killers and criminals rather than the victims.
p.17 I'm a little confused by this scene where he breaks into his friends house and finds him dead. It is obvious that Gideon has some knowledge or suspicions here, but Matthew's reactions (he walks around looking through books?) seems very bizarre. He's just broken into a house and found 2 people murdered and he non chalantly reads...
p.18
"Bastien sits on the fence petting the sheep with his daughter JANE." This cracked me up, and it's not supposed to. It reads as if he is petting the sheep with the girl, like you would with a brush.
P.25 "The mourners are parting their ways." I have noticed an abundant use of passive present verbiage, rather than active present. I'm not a nazi on this (although some are). I think passive present, ie. "ing" words, are acceptable, even preferable if they provide a better flow and pace to the reading. That said, they should be avoided when practical to do so, and this is a case where the use of passive present really does a disservice to your writing. This should simply be "The mourners part ways". It would benefit you to search for 'ing' and see where a present active verb would be an improvement to you.
On an unrelated note, I am impressed with the characterization and dialogue. You have done well in establishing the individuality of these people and staying true to the time and place in which the story is set. Good job.
p.26 I am assuming that the ringing bell is indicative of the buried mans ressurection as a vampire. Smartly used, this old fear from the past (the bell), but does make me question why a vampire would use it. I believe this would work better as an accidental or spurious ringing of the bell as the vampire worked to get out of the grave, rather than being an intentional ringing that indicates the vampire is aware of the purpose of the bell and is seeking 'rescue'.
p.28 The flashback scene. Was blood left in the body of the deceased in these times? Would it 'spray'?
Another example of over 'anding'. "Lemon’s death is slow and painful and merciless." reads better as "Lemon’s second death... Slow, painful... merciless." This is an example of 'improper' sentence structure being used to affect your pace and flow. Just a suggestion.
p.34 The warehouse is obviously a flashback, but is not properly referenced as such. Something else that would strengthen this script is to look at the scene sequencing and see how you might better 'lead' into each scene. The end of each scene should 'point' us in the right direction, with some anticipation of where we are going.
p.36-39 There is room for trimming in the dialogue here. It is good, but 3 pages of them basically getting out a little exposition and reuniting is more than needed, especially since the audience already knows who they are and why they are meeting, as do they.
p.40- This cematary scene doesn't meet expectations. They find a fresh grave and after having some discussion, the vampire runs past them? Why? It is her time of power, is it not? Why is she running? If for some reason she is threatened by them, why show herself in the first place by running past them? The arrival of the cop also seems quite odd. Do the police really have a 'beat' around the graveyard? I just think this scene needs more thought and work.
* After reading the whole script, I wonder if they even need to be arrested at all. I don't see how it is required to move the story.
p.42 We are back with Bastion, and to be honest, I have kind of forgotten him. I think he has been away too long, or perhaps it is simply because of me stopping to take notes.
p.43 I really like this scene with Ellie waking up to her first morning as a vampire, but it suffers because of our common perceptions of how vampires operate. That is to say, they wouldn't sleep during the night and wake in the morning. She was buried in a coat? That seems odd. The fact that she is 'discovering' herself as a vampire is awesome though. I think this would play better if it was still at night. That removes the need for the unexplained coat, the tricky flirtation with the sunlight (that seems a little far fetched to conceive she could totally cover herself). You could easily replace the bread with a warm pie in a windowsill or something. You could also go the way of the 'dracula', that allows them to function in the light at a reduced capacity, although that introduces new problems. Long and short. This scene is problematic, but very needful and clever. Just needs a little work.
I would mention again, in the last few scenes I have read, that a better sense of sequencing and leading us would be useful. Try and end each scene with a subtextual reference to where we are headed.
p.44 I am again a little bewildered by the scene not being properly set up. We are in a prison yard but suddenly next to a cell where the prisoner starts talking to them. Setting up a scene so that we have a strong mental image of the area we are in is important to a good flow of the story.
These are relatively simple corrections that can really help make this shine better. Look at each scene, note everything of importance within it; Characters, items that will be used, background, etc. Then be sure to quickly note the entirety of the scene before you start the action. In this scene, you have told us it is a prison yard surrounded by high fences and guards. Tell us about the cells facing the yard, and the gate, because these both play into your scene later.
Now they are released and speak with their attorney at the gate. This short scene is a good example of what I mentioned in regard to leading us from scene to scene. Benedict tells Gideon to visit, and that leads us to Benedict's estate. Try and follow this throughout your script. Obviously they won't be all so clear and easy, but you are creative, and will find subtle ways to lead us.
p.49 I don't quite understand Benedict's reference to everything being myth and legend. I gather he is a man that has lost his faith, but how does this impact his knowledge of vampires. Surely he knows they are real and tangible, requiring no faith to believe in them. Or maybe not.. Truthfully, I have met so many characters that I'm not sure I know who Benedict is, and/or if he knows about vampires.
p.51 I think it strange that Gideon would so quickly blow off Mathew when he mentions the morningstar estate. It should be obvious to him that Mathew knows or suspects something, especially since he has finally shared so much background with him. I trust you have a purpose here, and that in itself is a good sign that, that you have made me trust your writing.
Now Bastien puts the diary (that Mathew was just reading) into his pocket. I must admit that I am unclear about Bastien. I don't know what he's doing here at the funeral parlour. Truthfully, I think this may be in part because of 'analyzing' as I go, and stopping to type, but I confess to losing track of some major players (like Bastien). I may have to go back over this, uninterrupted.
p.56 The dialogue after Rosebud takes a piss seems odd. Is it needed for some purpose? Wouldn't his return make it obvious he was done? Why would Gideon suspect some problem?
* I note that later it seems clear that VD is involved. Not sure this is needed, or why Gideon would care though.
p.74 Here you introduce the fact that these vampires are only killed by sunlight if exposed within the first few days of turning. As this is basic to your interpretation, I think you would be better served by having this revealed early on.
p.88 Gideon's father's death didn't seem to have as much impact on him as I would have expected, given the previous build of their relationship.
p.98 Not sure I quite get this idea of apparently random beating of people for information.
p.100 This idea of exploding into flames simply by being in a church is new to me. Seems much easier and more efficient than other methods.
p.101 Wouldn't closing the lid put the fire out? Especially since this is a metal container..
p.107 Don't understand what Gideon has been doing all this time while the house burned. I also don't get why he puts Bastien in the well instead of more traditional means, such as stabbing him in the heart and cutting off his head.
I have to say I didn't find the ending very satisfying. Who was our protagonist all this time? Seemingly Gideon, but he was too mean and unforgiving to root for. For me, Bastien seemed the one I felt most sympathetic to. I really enjoyed the writing, and much of the dialogue, but I think it fails in terms of providing a satisfying journey through one characters eyes for the viewer.
I think you have a potentially really awesome story here, but it is hurt in a number of ways that, IMHO, can be pretty easily fixed.
1: Take care of punctuation and grammar problems, or have someone do it.
2: Tighten up scene descriptions to ensure the proper images are created and surprises are not introduced within the scene that require a 're-imagining' of the set up.
3: Check your dialogue line by line and get rid of anything extraneous or repetitive. Overall, a fine job here on creating individual characters that sound and act real.
4: Give us someone, or something to root for. Somebody that we can identify with and struggle with. As it stands, Gideon is not someone I care for or about, and his goals do not appeal to me because he is too overboard in his ways and means. Truly, he is the one that seems most soulless and uncaring. Bastien is more sympathetic, but he is lost for so much of the film that I often lost him in the crowd and had to be re-introduced each time he showed up.
5: Work on the flow of scenes and continuity. I was often jarred by the change in scene and felt lost. This tended to confuse me and make it hard to keep track of characters.
6: Establish the 'rules' early on. Sunlight effect, etc.
I would also suggest taking out the 'ending at the beginning'. I understand the desire to open with something savage and grabbing, but what you give up here is any possibility of threat to Bastien or Gideon. Throughout the story, there can never be any question of their peril or danger because we already know they are there 20 years later.
All in all, I enjoyed this read and found your style quite engaging. I think you have a lot of talent, and the fact that you completed this work shows you can put in the effort.
As much as it may seem I had problems with it, don't despair. They are all easily correctable, and in my opinion this script is not far from being well above average.
You indicated it was a 'slow burn' and you're right. But it is worth the time investment, and will be moreso with some tweaking. Much as weakness in the lead character is to be commended, you still have to gain the audiences sympathies. I think Gideon can be made sympathetic even with keeping him hard. He's a guy that believes he is serving God, and uses this to justify his actions. You can't justify them, but what you can do is make us understand how he came to feel justified, so that we can have sympathy for him because of those reasons, even though we can't accept his terrible actions. He never changes. Never sees the truth of the evil that has driven him, and thus has no true arc. That may be something you can change.
Best of luck with this. I look forward to watching your other efforts. read -
A review of Grindersby gapoz on 09/12/2012I have done over 900 reviews on TS, and I have seldom seen a submission that leaves me so flummoxed as to where to begin. I like to point out strengths in a piece of work, especially when I know the basis of my review will unavoidably be depressing to the author overall. So let me start by saying that you should never allow anyone to dull your dreams or encourage you to quit... I have done over 900 reviews on TS, and I have seldom seen a submission that leaves me so flummoxed as to where to begin. I like to point out strengths in a piece of work, especially when I know the basis of my review will unavoidably be depressing to the author overall. So let me start by saying that you should never allow anyone to dull your dreams or encourage you to quit trying.
You have generally good white space. That's good. It makes for a quick vertical read. There are areas where you have descriptive passages that exceed 4 lines, which should be considered the maximum. Each paragraph should describe a single action, to maintain the pace and flow. Keep your descriptions active and visual, and don't take on the job of the director unless you do so covertly. Writing a screenplay is just the first element in bringing a film to life. It is important to do your job, and have faith in the other participants to understand and do theirs.
Example 1st scene.
A near empty fairground in England. Broken down rides, shuttered stalls.
A rictus faced MAN with an upraised hand, the sole occupant of the merry go round.
Greg, 40s, large and bespectacled, listens to the somber tune of the carasel, waves each time the Man passes.
Along the pier, PROSTITUTES pace. Beyond them, DAVE, 40s, sits and cries in his running car.
That's it. All the rest is unfilmable or direction that is not your job. This is what we see. Correcting this work by removing everything extra will make this about 75 pages, so you have lots of room to fix and expand the other problems. Don't tell the producer or director specific music. What if the copyright holder wants too much to use it? Should we trash the whole project? Give a style or tone and allow the others that will work on this project to do their job.
This 'story' seems to be a tragic Romeo and Juliet. Kate pursues killing Steve, believing he killed her brother. Discovering her mistake afterward, she kills herself.
Problems abound at every level in this effort. Basic format issues, characters, dialogue, structure, tone.. everything here needs a lot of work. You lack focus on the central characters, who disappear completely at times. You jump between times willy nilly without any proper reference to where the pieces fit. You add on elements that have no bearing on the central story. Frankly, it's a mess.
The actions and characters lack believability. Situations are contrived to easily fit your purposes. Steve hides these various people he supposedly killed while he intends to bring down the king pin. It's all very weak. This might make a decent short story, as it can be told with much greater impact in a dozen pages, but it lacks enough substance to present it as a screenplay unless you add a lot of meat to the characters.
My suggestion would be to read. A lot. Read screenplays. Read writing books. Read, read, read. Then practice. Learn how a screenplay is presented, how it differs from a novel or short story. Learn how a story is built to focus on an individual and make us care about them. Learn how to create tension and suspense, how to take us through their journey.
I congratulate you on going beyond the mere act of thinking you can write a screenplay, and taking action. If you felt the thrill and excitement of it, then continue by learning the craft and building your skills. I look forward to seeing your progress.
read -
A review of Curse of the Scottish Witchesby gapoz on 08/28/2012Hi Janet. Finally a chance to review your work, and I'm excited. You have given me some wonderful advice in the past, and I took this assignment hoping to return the favor. I tend to be a fairly hard reviewer, believing that is more helpful, usually, than pats on the back. Although I have completed the script at this point, I'm going to start with the notes I made while reading,... Hi Janet. Finally a chance to review your work, and I'm excited. You have given me some wonderful advice in the past, and I took this assignment hoping to return the favor.
I tend to be a fairly hard reviewer, believing that is more helpful, usually, than pats on the back. Although I have completed the script at this point, I'm going to start with the notes I made while reading, so keep in mind that some things addressed here may have resolved themselves by the end. I use a *- to indicate notes I inserted after the read.
** Reading notes.
I can see from the start that some action lines are a bit long. Not over the limit long, you clearly know the rules, but some room to tighten some of them up a bit with judicious fragmenting to make this a more vertical read.
Street lights far from civilization puzzled me.
Love this opening scene. The Scottish dialect may prove challenging to me at some point, but so far is just refreshing, and I get the gist of it. Normally it is wise to simply indicate accents and speech patterns, rather than try and write them in the dialogue, but so far, this works for me.
I see this is listed as mystery/suspense, but there is definately a touch of comedy here. It is page 3 before we get to America and see the main characters. At least, given the synopsis, I assume these are the main characters, although just from reading, I would think this was going to be a comedy about these funny little old ladies trying to off Willis.
*- The whole storyline with Willis and the ladies is structured quite well, and I can't help but feel is in some ways much stronger than the main story, and overshadows it to a degree. As much as I enjoyed the opening scene, I think it is misplaced because of the attention it draws and the focus, which is not on the main plot line. Introducing this scene after the introduction to Mike and James could potentially add a degree of mystery, and at the same time ensure the viewer knows the focus is Mike and James.
p.4 This coming down the stairs thing with Mike and James is a bit hard to visualize. Not sure how to fix it and save the sense you're after, but bares a second look. I'm left not quite knowing if James has any use of his legs? Can he get down by himself? Is Mike more a hindrance than a help?
p.5 MOM needs caps.
Not as impressed with these Americans as I was with the Scottish characters. They seem a bit unnatural with each other. Are they all walking on egg shells for some reason? Guess I'll find out.
p.6 Have a hard time seeing how Mom helps James get in the car, given the impression I got from the kitchen. The descriptive writing, starting on previous page, can be trimmed substantially for a better pace.
p.12 Lyle seems an inconsistent character. He has thus far been portrayed as this heartless guy that smirks at their misfortune, and is suddenly helping Mike work on the car.
Rhoda appears from nowhere, with no explanation, invites the boys to visit a great uncle they have no clue about, and then is ready to leave a moment later because they express reservations. The dialogue and action in this portion needs work. Too much on the nose, exposition, and hard to understand actions. Why would %Rhoda ask the mother to leave?
p.13 James insists he is an adult, and then proceeds to act like a 5 year old. Truthfully, I'm not liking these characters much, and wishing I was back in Scotland keeping up with the old ladies.
p.14 Really having a problem with this brotherly conversation. Seems very forced and childish. Mike is 22 and James is 18, and yet they act and interface as if they were young children, and not consistently at that. James make reference to a curse (the first time mentioned), but I'm wondering how they know about it, but know nothing about their great uncle or other relatives.
Now they are speaking about this curse as if all of them have no doubt that it is quite real.
p.20 Mom tells Mike that she used to get money from this uncle, and she doesn't blame him for wanting to reconnect, but he should be careful. But there is nothing of substance here to help us understand why she feels this way, and it is hard to believe that given the circumstances, she would have turned down this money.
p.34 Beatrice hands the picture to Mike, but then Billy hands it to 'them'.
p.41 confused... so many characters have been introduced that I have no connection with anyone. I'm going to stop taking notes in the hope that I can stay focused on the story.
p.51 afraid I don't get much from this interview with Angus and the boys. Why does Mike get so bent out of shape? Would Rhoda really step in and interrupt like that? Why such a short session? 2 questions and off they go.
p.53 This says Montage, but is not formatted as such.
p.85 Mike tells Billy to look at how the repairmen are parked, and Billy responds as if he can see it?
I don't get what Mike is talking about... what cup? What has he been asked to do?
p.89
"Whether I like it or not? Well, I
don’t. This is not what I had in
mind. I’ve got a life. We’re
doing fine without all of this."
I'm just not understanding Mike's reactions here. Also, this page has been quite a bit of exposition in one large chunk. It didn't seem that life was so hot back in the states, and I really don't know what, other than the explosion, has been so terrible about their trip.
p.90 Kathy starts to Mike, and tells Angus "Don't say no", but then does nothing.
p.91-91
This is a fairly long conversation about Rhoda bringing in a violin. Is it important? I hope so, otherwise this is a bit much.
** General
There are many places where dialogue adresses people by name. There are times when this works, especially to introduce a name to the audience, but typically, people don't use names when they talk to each other. It's just a bit unnatural, since usually the person you are talking to knows you are talking to them.
Michael, in particular, seems to have a lot of small 'accidents'... tripping, running into things, etc. I kinda get that is supposed to play into the whole idea of a curse, but for me, it simply doesn't. It just makes Mike seem to be something of a clumsy oaf.
So, the security, Ainsley, is trying to kill Mike. Pretty big reveal, but I have no clue why at this point. The rambling Mike is becoming boring, making me wonder if there is a point to this walk. Why is he on it? How is it advancing the story?
I don't understand the whole Lyle thing, or how it is that Billy thought they needed protection, but has no clue who they are being protected from?
This whole thing in the hospital plays oddly. They obviously were set up to trap whoever was behind the 'curse', and yet seem woefully unprepared, even allowing the drip bag to be changed before doing anything.
Quint runs, scared as hell, talks to someone on the phone and refuses to return to the hospital, and yet does exactly that because there is a traffic stop.
The shadow passing Willis's door gets old. Hard for it to seem ominous after such repetition.
Overall- I think there is a good concept here, with great possibilities, but I think its lost in execution. Do I ever believe in the sense of a curse? No. Does our protagonist ever actively investigate and try and learn what's going on? Not really. He does not drive events. He simply reacts to them.
I think there is far too much 'detail', and not enough solid framework to support it. A simple white dress is the hardest to make, they say, because you can't hide mistakes. I think this has far too many un-required details, that either obscure the story, or the basic bones are missing. We focus here on far too many characters, and lose the sense of who we are supposed to be following, and rooting for. Here are my suggestions. If you find any of value, use them. Otherwise, just remember it's simply one old guys opinion.
TRIM and FOCUS!
- Outline you story, including the major beats, conflicts, and barriers to success.
- Focus the story perspective on a single POV, Mikes, and tell the story.
- Raise the stakes and clarify the goal. This is supposed to be about Mike and James beating this curse. The witches seem completely thrown into the mix and never do anything. It's all a scam, which isn't so much solved as it is reacted too.
- Cut! Characters and scenes. Every one of them should be critical to telling the story. Look at each character and envision the story without them. If it can still be told, trash them. Do the same thing with scenes. Every scene should move the story forward. If it doesn't, it isn't needed. Your main story should play like the Willis and the ladies story. As much as I liked that sub story, how does it serve the main story? What happens to destroy the main story if all three of those characters are thrown out? Nothing that I can tell. I would keep them, but integrate them into the main story to play important roles, while ditching other minor characters.
- Get into scenes late and leave early. Trim scenes to the bone, hitting the beat, and moving on. You spend massive amounts of space 'building' characters, many of them unimportant. Build story instead. Your characters will be built in the actions they take serving the story.
I know this review may seem harsh, and believe me, I didn't want it too. I think you have great talent, but this piece is so bloated with extra fluff that it confuses, rather than strengthens. Stick to the story you described! Mike goes to Scotland to break a curse that threatens to destroy him! That's exciting, but in the actual story, it appears Mike goes to Scotland simply because he needs the money, and he doesn't actively try and break any curse. He doesn't even particularly believe there is a curse. Follow your log line! Make it clear that Mike goes specifically to find out what this curse business sham is all about and break the silly superstition once and for all. Make his thoughts on the curse clear, and take action!
I wish you the absolute best with this, and I would be happy to be of any help I can. You have been so kind and helpful to me in my work. Bottom line. You have the talent, and you have the concept for a great story. It just needs more work. Best!
read
Comments About gapoz 195
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DebraSwan on 02/17/2013
Excellent post in the Constructive Review thread!
Cheers,
Debra -
TheLastGlance on 12/31/2012
Happy new year, Richard! To your health! You're one of my heroes here and I hope you have a speedy recovery!
All the best,
Brittany -
ischneid87 on 12/29/2012
Get well soon Mr. Crossley :/ -
ischneid87 on 11/12/2012
I'm good, just been chewin' over ideas in my head. I'm focussed most on my application to USC and reviewing. -
TheLastGlance on 11/12/2012
Hey, I went and took a peek at your Writer's Wrench blog. I really like what you were saying about character introductions and mixing story types. I actually learned quite a bit from your examples. So, thanks! -
ischneid87 on 11/11/2012
Just thought I'd drop you a line, Mr. Crossley. What's up with you? -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 11/09/2012
Hey Richard,
What's crackin'? Nice going with "Zombody to Love;" four stars across the board. Capper's (Queen) review title cracked me up. Hey, you would not believe whose Hollywood Hills mansion I was in the other night; I interacted with him and helped set up for a screening for his guests. Probably shouldn't reveal this mogul producer's name on the site, but what a rush it was walking around inside his home -- Oscars -- in hands reach nonetheless. Check eBay ;)
I began reading "Zombody," but have no frame of reference for Zombie movies. Just a quirky indie guy here. Best, and thanks again for your 'kick in the ass" review; a friend of mine through work who is cast in "Californication" has referred "Sam" to her agent. Thanks to you, I'm way more confident in this draft.
Later -
micmacmoviemaker on 11/08/2012
gapoz wrote:Love the synopsis of Choosy. Hope to get it assigned. Great visual rep for it too.
Hey - thanks. Yeah, it's my first stab at a romantic comedy so I'm anxious to get some feedback. Need to do some reviews... :) -
TheLastGlance on 10/27/2012
Thanks for the thanks. I'm relieved you found something helpful in my review. That's my lack of confidence shining through there when I say I don't think I'd be able to offer you anything. Your standing with TS coupled with your incredible help with my own script made me feel a little bit intimidated, but I really wanted to return the favor to you somehow and I'm glad I did because Zombody to Love is one of my faves now. -
ischneid87 on 10/20/2012
My last apology will be apologizing for my apology. I guess I just know myself well enough to know I'm capable of offending people or speaking without tact. I've hurt people's feelings and offended people unintentionally and it's become my bad habit to be apologetic as a result.
Sorry for the trouble, I guess it's just who I am. I don't currently feel like I've belonged to this site long enough to know what I say is truly the "right thing to say," and I know I will speak out of turn at some point.
Thanks for being understanding :).
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Comments About gapoz 195
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Excellent post in the Constructive Review thread!
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Happy new year, Richard! To your health! You're one of my heroes here and I hope you have a speedy recovery!
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Get well soon Mr. Crossley :/
+ more commentsDebraSwan on 02/17/2013
Cheers,
Debra
TheLastGlance on 12/31/2012
All the best,
Brittany
ischneid87 on 12/29/2012