a screenplay
by GChase
A man sheds his lackluster life when he discovers he can magically insert himself in anyone’s life he desires –... more
GChase
member since 07/24/2007 |
last login 01/18/2011
I spent ten years as an actor in New York City before turning my attention to screenwriting and directing. I have written, shot, and produced many short films and have collaborated on four feature length screenplays – two of which have been...
Bio
I spent ten years as an actor in New York City before turning my attention to screenwriting and directing. I have written, shot, and produced many short films and have collaborated on four feature length screenplays – two of which have been optioned. I have also written two solo screenplays and plan to direct one of them in the near future.
Submissions by GChase
Reviews by GChase 4
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A review of Silver Moon (V.3)by GChase on 10/19/2009Generally I enjoyed your screenplay. I think your characters are distinct, well written and there’s a nice interplay between them. I get a real good sense of who they are. Your structure and descriptions all work well to bring me into the story. I was seeing it happen as I read – it was very clear. I like the fact that it takes place on a train – that’s a good place to set... Generally I enjoyed your screenplay. I think your characters are distinct, well written and there’s a nice interplay between them. I get a real good sense of who they are. Your structure and descriptions all work well to bring me into the story. I was seeing it happen as I read – it was very clear. I like the fact that it takes place on a train – that’s a good place to set this story – not too many places to run and you don’t see it that often.
My main concern is that at a certain point – somewhere after they are in the forest, having run from the train – I feel the story needs to ramp up into a different gear. They probably know Kevin is going to turn after seeing it happen to the engineer and after that point it seems like ‘more of the same’. Now I know this is horror so that’s the way things go BUT the different gear I’m talking about is where the group formulates a plan - a plan we can get excited about, the attitude of ‘okay we’re not gonna just let them come get us’ – yes they’re on the run, yes they’re dropping like flies but especially after they see it was the engineer and realize this is people turning into werewolves – now we need to see the plan. They know Kevin is out there – maybe Tim is spared in that attack that gets Josh or maybe it is just the two girls – I liked that idea as it occurred – Oh we’ve got two women – how are they going to survive? So let the two women use what they know about these guys – they are very different personalities – does any of this translate to werewolves? It obviously does given the fact that later Kevin (the werewolf) protects Emily from Josh (the werewolf). Can they have a plan to trap them/ kill them? This would raise the stakes at this point in the story and get us rooting for them in a whole new way. What can they use as women, or specifically the women they are, against these werewolves?
I really like the confrontation at the end with Josh and Kevin (as werewolves) where Kevin protects Emily. I like the badge idea that allows Emily to get through the door but not the werewolf but I guess what I’m looking for is more of a plan on their part to not just survive but to beat these things.
As an example, and I have used this before in reviews but it is apt here as well - I would liken this idea to Three Days of the Condor – if you haven’t seen it – it’s fantastic – but in that movie, for the first half of what I would call Act 2, Robert Redford’s character is reacting to the chaos around him – has no idea what is going on. Beginning half way through Act 2 he becomes active – starts taking the reins – he has a plan and he then drives the story to its conclusion. We’re rooting for him all along but when he starts to drive the story we really get behind him. It takes it to the next level.
In your story, let us see Emily and Remmy start to drive the story - not just reacting - maybe they are partially successful, maybe we see how smart they are, maybe it all falls apart but we will root for them in a whole new way if we see them start to drive the story. It’s why I liked it when Emily realizes she can use Angie’s badge to get through the door – we see she’s smart – it’s a great story point - it only partially works but that’s okay. I also like her starting the train and getting it moving. She's active. Show us how smart they are.
Another point: I felt that after they were in the forest and then on their way back to the train, there’s a mention the train is a couple hours away – that felt too far to me. Maybe the way it’s laid out as they run from the train it makes sense but I didn’t feel reading it that they’d covered that much territory.
A few typos I noticed:
pg 8 – “into one of the overhead the luggage compartments
pg 61 – “based on this last comment”
pg 72 – “grabs a log from the fire”
Pg 74 – “never taking her eyes off the monster”
pg 97 - “both of his eyes stabbed out”
You’ve got a well told story with good characters. Ramp it up and it’ll be hard to resist.
read -
A review of iLL Octoberby GChase on 10/10/2009First of all, you had me before I started reading with your graphic - the smudge title and hands on glass – very creepy! Good logline too – I wanted to know more. Great opening! I had to keep reading – what the heck is going on? You had me. Your story drew me right in. Your writing is terrific, vivid – visually very strong. Love the dialogue – the Angelica lady with her kids... First of all, you had me before I started reading with your graphic - the smudge title and hands on glass – very creepy! Good logline too – I wanted to know more.
Great opening! I had to keep reading – what the heck is going on? You had me. Your story drew me right in. Your writing is terrific, vivid – visually very strong. Love the dialogue – the Angelica lady with her kids is terrific – very disconcerting but kind of funny too. I like that it’s set in Hawaii too – I don’t see that too often and the island idea works very well in the isolation feeling that’s going on.
I’m completely engaged in your story, enjoy the characters – I really like Heather (our heroine) and want to follow her as she tries to unravel this mystery. I think you’ve drawn all your characters so that we really get a sense of them – even the minor minor characters are well done – the soldier, the creepy cop, Mrs. Jenkins. I love the dialogue – it’s got a great sense of humor and the characters really come alive because of it. Very well done!
Due to time constraints on my part I couldn’t read it in one sitting – though I really couldn’t put it down – but while I was away from it, it really stuck with me – I wanted to get back to it – that says a lot about the world and characters you’ve created and the desire on my part to see it all make sense at some point.
My only criticism is that at some point in the middle – it becomes a bit ‘more of the same thing’ with Heather – everyone she comes in contact with becomes ill and dies – all her encounters are well written and I’m with the story but at a certain point you need to up the ante. Heather is trying to find out what happened to her so I guess you could say she’s active but it still feels that the circumstances are moving her along. At some point I think as our heroine, she needs to start to really drive the story.
As an example, I would liken this idea to Three Days of the Condor – if you haven’t seen it – it’s fantastic – but in that movie, for the first half of what I would call Act 2, Robert Redford’s character is reacting to the chaos around him – has no idea what is going on. Beginning half way through Act 2 he becomes active – starts taking the reins – he has a plan and he then drives the story to its conclusion. We’re rooting for him all along but when he starts to drive the story we really get behind him. It takes it to the next level.
In the same way I feel that Heather is reacting to this chaos around her but it’s that certain point – mid Act 2 that I feel she needs to really become active. She is trying to call who she was with the night before and asking her friends about the night before so she’s not inactive but I want to see her with a plan. She’s seen the marks on her back. Let her be the one who goes to Sabori and says ‘you know the psychologist guy who does hypnosis, I need to see him’ – let her drive that inquiry – let her have the plan. I like her using her network to get to the bottom of this – it’s uniquely her. Then with the info she gets in that session – all the images she sees – she may know her encounter was not of this world – maybe, maybe not – but she at least has more knowledge.
When she goes to the emergency room in the ambulance, after the accident with the cop, the CT scan reveals the cylinders in her back. I think it would be more effective if she was the one initiating the scan – grabs a cops gun or something and forces the doctors to scan her – she needs to know what the hell is inside her – she’s seen the marks, she suspects she’s making people sick, she’s got the knowledge from the hypnosis session so she’s acting on that trying to get to the bottom of this. The scene can play out as it is I suppose with the cylinder exploding etc but she’s gotten more information from it and she’d be driving the story.
I feel like maybe it needs to be her that somehow draws out the saucer, draws it to come to her – she’s seen the alien markings, maybe she uses them in some way on the rooftop, maybe she sets a trap thinking it’s this evil alien creature – whatever – but I want her to be the one driving things. Things can still fall apart as you have them but let her have the plan. We want our heroine to succeed and it’ll give us a whole new kind of excitement, we’ll be rooting for her in a whole new way, if we see she’s got a plan and is now executing it.
I love the end where you turn our expectation on its head and the creature cradles and comforts her. Very unexpected. It leaves me though, wanting a bit more explanation. My thoughts: In thinking about it, I figure the cylinders were implanted to kill those around her or the whole island, but why? A hooker is a good person who comes in contact with a lot of different people so it would be spread quicker perhaps. I guess leaving her at the airport is a good place to get to a lot of people. I felt that the creature was her protector in the beginning but maybe he just wants to use her too. He is definitely comforting her at the end, so did he protect her at the beginning too when she was being attacked by the john? Was more going on than just implanting her and using her to kill everyone? At the end I felt a little bit like – that’s it – I want to know more! Please. Make it make more sense. Why does he comfort her if he’s just using her as a weapon? Why kill all the people on the island? Do the aliens want the island for their own use? How does she figure in? Maybe some of the answers are there but I missed them if they are. I like that you leave us wondering and I don’t think you need a lot in this vein but a little bit more to fill it out for us would make it more satisfying in the end.
I don’t think it would take too much reworking of your second half to put Heather more in the driver’s seat. The story could play out pretty much as is with those adjustments and it would make it much more engaging.
I really like this piece. I’ll love this piece if you can give us a few more answers in the end as well. Great job!
A few typos I noticed along the way:
top of pg 5 “snatches Little Girl’s arm”
mid page 16 “she finally removes her hand…”
end pg 37 “used my head to block a spike”
page 38 – it’s not a typo but why the editorial “that bad Mexican beer”? I don’t understand why that’s in there – seems judgmental since it’s not the character talking
Page 52 “Betty wanders inside” – unless you intend “wonders”
Page 53 “not sure if the dog wants to be bathed or not”
Page 53 “…contortionist, wraps her arms…”
Page 59 Tight on vial.
Page 62 “I do feel like kicking somebody’s ass around…”
Page 98 ‘Prepares to make the initial incision when he REGURGITATES behind his mask’ – I don’t think regurgitates is correct here – that would mean actually bringing up food which I don’t think you intend – he’s belching right? False alarm. A wonderful moment by the way.
Pg 103 “Our mode of travel today will be submarine.” read -
A review of IN LOVE AND WAR (rev 2)by GChase on 07/30/2007I really enjoyed this script. The writing is clear and descriptive – you were very effective bringing me into the visuals and feeling of the scenes. Nice sense of the little town. I actually sat down to read the first ten to thirty pages, planning to finish the rest later. I read straight to the end. I wanted to know what was going to happen – completely engaged. I like... I really enjoyed this script. The writing is clear and descriptive – you were very effective bringing me into the visuals and feeling of the scenes. Nice sense of the little town.
I actually sat down to read the first ten to thirty pages, planning to finish the rest later. I read straight to the end. I wanted to know what was going to happen – completely engaged.
I like the theme of home – no place like home, home is where the heart is – this idea follows through nicely from the restaurant to the main characters who find home with each other after not having found it anywhere else.
Your writing all around is clear and crisp – wonderful visuals and a writing style that is fun, engaging and descriptive.
You’ve got terrific character descriptions – in a sentence or action or two we know who the characters are. A few things about the characters that stick out to me:
Kate and Pete are well done. We see they connect, feel that Kate is searching for something and we understand that Pete, for all the secrecy, seems to be on the level with her – he comes across true. Pete’s explanation of why he’s in this present situation is told well – I buy it – he’s a reluctant spy so to speak.
I really liked that Kate felt trapped with Tom – it wasn’t at all what it appears to be – she’s might be mourning his loss but there is a lot of guilt associated with how she really had wanted him to go away. He really wasn’t the man for her. This was a surprise – not what I expected – I liked that – turning it on its head.
I like the bookend with Fred – a minor character, fatherly, who you can tell treats Kate like his daughter – nice end with Fred fixing up the pickup and the talk about the meatloaf – that little touch was emotional to me at the end – what she’s leaving behind.
I think Roy is terrific – nicely drawn – and with the reveal of his ‘fake’ bum leg at the end showing him to be the coward he is, I don’t mind so much if he takes a bullet.
Kate and Sarah’s relationship is well done too – we don’t know much at the beginning – but we know - something. I liked the fact that Kate needs her Mom’s help in the end and they get to transcend all the tension and stuff that’s come between them due to the dramatic nature of the circumstances. They get to have it out - we need that.
I liked Joey and Beth too as supporting characters – they echo the war and youthful love in nice ways and come into play with the story in nice ways too. Beth’s struggle with Roy, Joey’s pickup used by Kate.
George is nicely done too. I liked his manner with Pete - you get a sense of a guy who is a company man who will smell out the truth and will be dangerous to deal with when the time comes.
As I said earlier, the story kept me engaged. By Page ten Kate and Pete have met and we know something is truly going on between them but we’re also intrigued with the men joining Pete – what are they up to?
Through the midsection of the script there’s nice rising tension with Pete cooking, he’s decided (I feel) that Kate is the one for him, he’s found his home. George kills O’Mally raising the stakes a lot. This is serious.
The stakes continue to rise and the story unfolds nicely and takes us right along. We get into the meat of the story with Kate’s discovery of the swastika and it builds nicely. It really kept me involved.
I enjoyed the action sequence at the end on the boat – especially the flare – it doesn’t ignite right away – nice.
I liked the use of Kate’s Dad’s fishing boat – a nice escape possibility. One thing here though, I’d make it clear in the writing that Kate’s boat is the only choice by the dock. Otherwise George wouldn’t know which one to board.
I was also a little confused reading when following the pickup trucks in the end driving sequences. They are both pickup trucks so just be clear whose pickup truck you are showing us and who is in it – I got a little confused because when you say Kate’s pickup, she’s not in it. It’s a minor thing but maybe could be a little bit clearer.
Another piece of confusion is I don’t think Kate would know that George shot Roy – she wasn’t there when it happened – she probably wouldn’t even know Roy was shot unless she sees him floating in the water.
I have a concern about the Cuba references. I like the whole use of the postcard with it’s referencing that ideal home Kate longs for as well as Pete’s use of it to point to what he’s hidden. I just feel that our thoughts and feelings about Cuba today might get in the way of what you’re trying to do. It was a different place at that time than it is today. Not a major point but it did occur to me.
I think this script would find a better home as something made for cable (HBO, Showtime, Lifetime). As much as I enjoyed this script I think it’s a tough sell as a feature. It has nothing to do with the quality of the writing. It has the war resonance which is timely but for some reason I think you’d do better on the small screen with this story. (Like The Girl in the Café recently on HBO – definitely one of the better movies I’ve seen recently but better on the small screen due to the subject matter and the story.) I may be wrong and maybe it’s too limiting to think that way but for whatever it’s worth.
One typo I noticed on Page 71 – mid page – Sarah says to Kate “I see. However, your business is no reason for to Kate to leave”
Terrific job. read
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Reviews by GChase 4
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A review of Silver Moon (V.3)by GChase on 10/19/2009Generally I enjoyed your screenplay. I think your characters are distinct, well written and there’s a nice interplay between them. I get a real good sense of who they are. Your structure and descriptions all work well to bring me into the story. I was seeing it happen as I read – it was very clear. I like the fact that it takes place on a train – that’s a good place to set... Generally I enjoyed your screenplay. I think your characters are distinct, well written and there’s a nice interplay between them. I get a real good sense of who they are. Your structure and descriptions all work well to bring me into the story. I was seeing it happen as I read – it was very clear. I like the fact that it takes place on a train – that’s a good place to set this story – not too many places to run and you don’t see it that often.
My main concern is that at a certain point – somewhere after they are in the forest, having run from the train – I feel the story needs to ramp up into a different gear. They probably know Kevin is going to turn after seeing it happen to the engineer and after that point it seems like ‘more of the same’. Now I know this is horror so that’s the way things go BUT the different gear I’m talking about is where the group formulates a plan - a plan we can get excited about, the attitude of ‘okay we’re not gonna just let them come get us’ – yes they’re on the run, yes they’re dropping like flies but especially after they see it was the engineer and realize this is people turning into werewolves – now we need to see the plan. They know Kevin is out there – maybe Tim is spared in that attack that gets Josh or maybe it is just the two girls – I liked that idea as it occurred – Oh we’ve got two women – how are they going to survive? So let the two women use what they know about these guys – they are very different personalities – does any of this translate to werewolves? It obviously does given the fact that later Kevin (the werewolf) protects Emily from Josh (the werewolf). Can they have a plan to trap them/ kill them? This would raise the stakes at this point in the story and get us rooting for them in a whole new way. What can they use as women, or specifically the women they are, against these werewolves?
I really like the confrontation at the end with Josh and Kevin (as werewolves) where Kevin protects Emily. I like the badge idea that allows Emily to get through the door but not the werewolf but I guess what I’m looking for is more of a plan on their part to not just survive but to beat these things.
As an example, and I have used this before in reviews but it is apt here as well - I would liken this idea to Three Days of the Condor – if you haven’t seen it – it’s fantastic – but in that movie, for the first half of what I would call Act 2, Robert Redford’s character is reacting to the chaos around him – has no idea what is going on. Beginning half way through Act 2 he becomes active – starts taking the reins – he has a plan and he then drives the story to its conclusion. We’re rooting for him all along but when he starts to drive the story we really get behind him. It takes it to the next level.
In your story, let us see Emily and Remmy start to drive the story - not just reacting - maybe they are partially successful, maybe we see how smart they are, maybe it all falls apart but we will root for them in a whole new way if we see them start to drive the story. It’s why I liked it when Emily realizes she can use Angie’s badge to get through the door – we see she’s smart – it’s a great story point - it only partially works but that’s okay. I also like her starting the train and getting it moving. She's active. Show us how smart they are.
Another point: I felt that after they were in the forest and then on their way back to the train, there’s a mention the train is a couple hours away – that felt too far to me. Maybe the way it’s laid out as they run from the train it makes sense but I didn’t feel reading it that they’d covered that much territory.
A few typos I noticed:
pg 8 – “into one of the overhead the luggage compartments
pg 61 – “based on this last comment”
pg 72 – “grabs a log from the fire”
Pg 74 – “never taking her eyes off the monster”
pg 97 - “both of his eyes stabbed out”
You’ve got a well told story with good characters. Ramp it up and it’ll be hard to resist.
read -
A review of iLL Octoberby GChase on 10/10/2009First of all, you had me before I started reading with your graphic - the smudge title and hands on glass – very creepy! Good logline too – I wanted to know more. Great opening! I had to keep reading – what the heck is going on? You had me. Your story drew me right in. Your writing is terrific, vivid – visually very strong. Love the dialogue – the Angelica lady with her kids... First of all, you had me before I started reading with your graphic - the smudge title and hands on glass – very creepy! Good logline too – I wanted to know more.
Great opening! I had to keep reading – what the heck is going on? You had me. Your story drew me right in. Your writing is terrific, vivid – visually very strong. Love the dialogue – the Angelica lady with her kids is terrific – very disconcerting but kind of funny too. I like that it’s set in Hawaii too – I don’t see that too often and the island idea works very well in the isolation feeling that’s going on.
I’m completely engaged in your story, enjoy the characters – I really like Heather (our heroine) and want to follow her as she tries to unravel this mystery. I think you’ve drawn all your characters so that we really get a sense of them – even the minor minor characters are well done – the soldier, the creepy cop, Mrs. Jenkins. I love the dialogue – it’s got a great sense of humor and the characters really come alive because of it. Very well done!
Due to time constraints on my part I couldn’t read it in one sitting – though I really couldn’t put it down – but while I was away from it, it really stuck with me – I wanted to get back to it – that says a lot about the world and characters you’ve created and the desire on my part to see it all make sense at some point.
My only criticism is that at some point in the middle – it becomes a bit ‘more of the same thing’ with Heather – everyone she comes in contact with becomes ill and dies – all her encounters are well written and I’m with the story but at a certain point you need to up the ante. Heather is trying to find out what happened to her so I guess you could say she’s active but it still feels that the circumstances are moving her along. At some point I think as our heroine, she needs to start to really drive the story.
As an example, I would liken this idea to Three Days of the Condor – if you haven’t seen it – it’s fantastic – but in that movie, for the first half of what I would call Act 2, Robert Redford’s character is reacting to the chaos around him – has no idea what is going on. Beginning half way through Act 2 he becomes active – starts taking the reins – he has a plan and he then drives the story to its conclusion. We’re rooting for him all along but when he starts to drive the story we really get behind him. It takes it to the next level.
In the same way I feel that Heather is reacting to this chaos around her but it’s that certain point – mid Act 2 that I feel she needs to really become active. She is trying to call who she was with the night before and asking her friends about the night before so she’s not inactive but I want to see her with a plan. She’s seen the marks on her back. Let her be the one who goes to Sabori and says ‘you know the psychologist guy who does hypnosis, I need to see him’ – let her drive that inquiry – let her have the plan. I like her using her network to get to the bottom of this – it’s uniquely her. Then with the info she gets in that session – all the images she sees – she may know her encounter was not of this world – maybe, maybe not – but she at least has more knowledge.
When she goes to the emergency room in the ambulance, after the accident with the cop, the CT scan reveals the cylinders in her back. I think it would be more effective if she was the one initiating the scan – grabs a cops gun or something and forces the doctors to scan her – she needs to know what the hell is inside her – she’s seen the marks, she suspects she’s making people sick, she’s got the knowledge from the hypnosis session so she’s acting on that trying to get to the bottom of this. The scene can play out as it is I suppose with the cylinder exploding etc but she’s gotten more information from it and she’d be driving the story.
I feel like maybe it needs to be her that somehow draws out the saucer, draws it to come to her – she’s seen the alien markings, maybe she uses them in some way on the rooftop, maybe she sets a trap thinking it’s this evil alien creature – whatever – but I want her to be the one driving things. Things can still fall apart as you have them but let her have the plan. We want our heroine to succeed and it’ll give us a whole new kind of excitement, we’ll be rooting for her in a whole new way, if we see she’s got a plan and is now executing it.
I love the end where you turn our expectation on its head and the creature cradles and comforts her. Very unexpected. It leaves me though, wanting a bit more explanation. My thoughts: In thinking about it, I figure the cylinders were implanted to kill those around her or the whole island, but why? A hooker is a good person who comes in contact with a lot of different people so it would be spread quicker perhaps. I guess leaving her at the airport is a good place to get to a lot of people. I felt that the creature was her protector in the beginning but maybe he just wants to use her too. He is definitely comforting her at the end, so did he protect her at the beginning too when she was being attacked by the john? Was more going on than just implanting her and using her to kill everyone? At the end I felt a little bit like – that’s it – I want to know more! Please. Make it make more sense. Why does he comfort her if he’s just using her as a weapon? Why kill all the people on the island? Do the aliens want the island for their own use? How does she figure in? Maybe some of the answers are there but I missed them if they are. I like that you leave us wondering and I don’t think you need a lot in this vein but a little bit more to fill it out for us would make it more satisfying in the end.
I don’t think it would take too much reworking of your second half to put Heather more in the driver’s seat. The story could play out pretty much as is with those adjustments and it would make it much more engaging.
I really like this piece. I’ll love this piece if you can give us a few more answers in the end as well. Great job!
A few typos I noticed along the way:
top of pg 5 “snatches Little Girl’s arm”
mid page 16 “she finally removes her hand…”
end pg 37 “used my head to block a spike”
page 38 – it’s not a typo but why the editorial “that bad Mexican beer”? I don’t understand why that’s in there – seems judgmental since it’s not the character talking
Page 52 “Betty wanders inside” – unless you intend “wonders”
Page 53 “not sure if the dog wants to be bathed or not”
Page 53 “…contortionist, wraps her arms…”
Page 59 Tight on vial.
Page 62 “I do feel like kicking somebody’s ass around…”
Page 98 ‘Prepares to make the initial incision when he REGURGITATES behind his mask’ – I don’t think regurgitates is correct here – that would mean actually bringing up food which I don’t think you intend – he’s belching right? False alarm. A wonderful moment by the way.
Pg 103 “Our mode of travel today will be submarine.” read -
A review of IN LOVE AND WAR (rev 2)by GChase on 07/30/2007I really enjoyed this script. The writing is clear and descriptive – you were very effective bringing me into the visuals and feeling of the scenes. Nice sense of the little town. I actually sat down to read the first ten to thirty pages, planning to finish the rest later. I read straight to the end. I wanted to know what was going to happen – completely engaged. I like... I really enjoyed this script. The writing is clear and descriptive – you were very effective bringing me into the visuals and feeling of the scenes. Nice sense of the little town.
I actually sat down to read the first ten to thirty pages, planning to finish the rest later. I read straight to the end. I wanted to know what was going to happen – completely engaged.
I like the theme of home – no place like home, home is where the heart is – this idea follows through nicely from the restaurant to the main characters who find home with each other after not having found it anywhere else.
Your writing all around is clear and crisp – wonderful visuals and a writing style that is fun, engaging and descriptive.
You’ve got terrific character descriptions – in a sentence or action or two we know who the characters are. A few things about the characters that stick out to me:
Kate and Pete are well done. We see they connect, feel that Kate is searching for something and we understand that Pete, for all the secrecy, seems to be on the level with her – he comes across true. Pete’s explanation of why he’s in this present situation is told well – I buy it – he’s a reluctant spy so to speak.
I really liked that Kate felt trapped with Tom – it wasn’t at all what it appears to be – she’s might be mourning his loss but there is a lot of guilt associated with how she really had wanted him to go away. He really wasn’t the man for her. This was a surprise – not what I expected – I liked that – turning it on its head.
I like the bookend with Fred – a minor character, fatherly, who you can tell treats Kate like his daughter – nice end with Fred fixing up the pickup and the talk about the meatloaf – that little touch was emotional to me at the end – what she’s leaving behind.
I think Roy is terrific – nicely drawn – and with the reveal of his ‘fake’ bum leg at the end showing him to be the coward he is, I don’t mind so much if he takes a bullet.
Kate and Sarah’s relationship is well done too – we don’t know much at the beginning – but we know - something. I liked the fact that Kate needs her Mom’s help in the end and they get to transcend all the tension and stuff that’s come between them due to the dramatic nature of the circumstances. They get to have it out - we need that.
I liked Joey and Beth too as supporting characters – they echo the war and youthful love in nice ways and come into play with the story in nice ways too. Beth’s struggle with Roy, Joey’s pickup used by Kate.
George is nicely done too. I liked his manner with Pete - you get a sense of a guy who is a company man who will smell out the truth and will be dangerous to deal with when the time comes.
As I said earlier, the story kept me engaged. By Page ten Kate and Pete have met and we know something is truly going on between them but we’re also intrigued with the men joining Pete – what are they up to?
Through the midsection of the script there’s nice rising tension with Pete cooking, he’s decided (I feel) that Kate is the one for him, he’s found his home. George kills O’Mally raising the stakes a lot. This is serious.
The stakes continue to rise and the story unfolds nicely and takes us right along. We get into the meat of the story with Kate’s discovery of the swastika and it builds nicely. It really kept me involved.
I enjoyed the action sequence at the end on the boat – especially the flare – it doesn’t ignite right away – nice.
I liked the use of Kate’s Dad’s fishing boat – a nice escape possibility. One thing here though, I’d make it clear in the writing that Kate’s boat is the only choice by the dock. Otherwise George wouldn’t know which one to board.
I was also a little confused reading when following the pickup trucks in the end driving sequences. They are both pickup trucks so just be clear whose pickup truck you are showing us and who is in it – I got a little confused because when you say Kate’s pickup, she’s not in it. It’s a minor thing but maybe could be a little bit clearer.
Another piece of confusion is I don’t think Kate would know that George shot Roy – she wasn’t there when it happened – she probably wouldn’t even know Roy was shot unless she sees him floating in the water.
I have a concern about the Cuba references. I like the whole use of the postcard with it’s referencing that ideal home Kate longs for as well as Pete’s use of it to point to what he’s hidden. I just feel that our thoughts and feelings about Cuba today might get in the way of what you’re trying to do. It was a different place at that time than it is today. Not a major point but it did occur to me.
I think this script would find a better home as something made for cable (HBO, Showtime, Lifetime). As much as I enjoyed this script I think it’s a tough sell as a feature. It has nothing to do with the quality of the writing. It has the war resonance which is timely but for some reason I think you’d do better on the small screen with this story. (Like The Girl in the Café recently on HBO – definitely one of the better movies I’ve seen recently but better on the small screen due to the subject matter and the story.) I may be wrong and maybe it’s too limiting to think that way but for whatever it’s worth.
One typo I noticed on Page 71 – mid page – Sarah says to Kate “I see. However, your business is no reason for to Kate to leave”
Terrific job. read
Comments About GChase 2
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araspovic on 10/15/2009
Thank you for your thoughful review. re. Dragon of Death.
Based on the comments from you and others I will go in a totally different direction. -
burnsj002 on 10/10/2009
Wow! Now I know why I joined triggerstreet – reviews like yours. You really hit the nail on the head on what I was missing. I knew Heather was only reacting to the things that were happening to her but couldn’t quite piece together what I needed to do. It was like on the tip of my tongue but I couldn’t formulate it. You did.
Thanks you so much of your thorough review. =)
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Comments About GChase 2
araspovic on 10/15/2009
Based on the comments from you and others I will go in a totally different direction.
burnsj002 on 10/10/2009
Thanks you so much of your thorough review. =)