a screenplay
by gridlock
Some family secrets are best left buried.
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So many stories... so little time...
Submissions by gridlock
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a screenplay by gridlockA grieving mother seeks vengeance after the senseless death of her young son.
Reviews by gridlock 279
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A review of The Art of Dying Daily (Revised)by gridlock on 04/12/2013I mainly concentrated on Eric, like you asked (sorry, I’m not good at dialogue). You’re right, he does fall kind of flat in this. Here are some suggestions I came up with: We need a glimpse into his personality / mind-set at the beginning, on pages 1-4. He’s dealing with Ana, but we know nothing about him. Maybe have him do something in frustration and anger after she leaves... I mainly concentrated on Eric, like you asked (sorry, I’m not good at dialogue). You’re right, he does fall kind of flat in this. Here are some suggestions I came up with:
We need a glimpse into his personality / mind-set at the beginning, on pages 1-4. He’s dealing with Ana, but we know nothing about him. Maybe have him do something in frustration and anger after she leaves. Kicks something across the room, maybe, then hurries to clean it up, as if he’s ashamed of himself for acting like that. You could also have him act a bit more hurt when she rebuffs his advances. Maybe when he opens the trash to throw the broken glass away, he finds bottles hidden under the sink. THEN he could kick something across the room.
The next Eric scene is where Ana comes home drunk, and he says you’re drunk. I’m thinking he should either be expecting this by now, or maybe he made a nice dinner, which now sits covered on the table. When she staggers in, he could get up and wordlessly dump them both in the trash and ignore her.
Page 22. By this point I know absolutely nothing about Eric, what he does for a job or to pass the time while Ana is working. It could be something that her behavior could seriously jeopardize (and play into his clean cut personality). He could be a rookie cop, scared to make a wrong move before he even gets anywhere. This would be easy to foreshadow with training manuals around the apartment and a uniform.
Page 45. When Eric comes over to have her sign the divorce papers, she could make some sort of comment about why it took him so long, he could say he was hoping things would change.
The scene where Ana shows up at Eric’s house drunk and starts bleeding is good. But we could show a more emotion on Eric’s part in that and the following scenes in regards to her condition while being pregnant. Anger that she’s being so stupid and endangering the life of her baby. Also I think he lets the girlfriend that was there leave too easily. Her exit needs a bit of conflict, even if it’s just Eric kissing her goodbye and Ana looks hurt - but only briefly (because she doesn’t really care, after all).
Anyway, I hope you can get something useful out of this. Even though the story was depressing for the most part, it did have that sliver of hope at the end, which was good! read -
A review of Wolfby gridlock on 04/09/2013I apologize in advance if this review sounds harsh. Your script needs a lot of work, and there's no way you are going to know what needs work unless someone points it out to you. I liked your concept, but unfortunately the script did not live up to it. There are three major problems that stand out to me. One: I could care less about any of your characters. Two: your scenes... I apologize in advance if this review sounds harsh. Your script needs a lot of work, and there's no way you are going to know what needs work unless someone points it out to you.
I liked your concept, but unfortunately the script did not live up to it.
There are three major problems that stand out to me. One: I could care less about any of your characters. Two: your scenes are way overwritten. Three: The structure is pretty much nonexistent.
Now for notes as I read through.
I saw a (c) next to the title “Wolf” and immediately thought this is going to be a tough screenplay to read, merely for the fact that if you aren’t aware that you can’t copyright a title, you most likely don’t know many of the other standard conventions of screenwriting as well. By halfway through page one this was basically confirmed.
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Your synopsis says Wolf was a prisoner for 30 of his 45 years, but then in the screenplay you say he’s been incarcerated since he was 13. I think you need to work on your math a little.
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First off, you start with FADE IN. Then you have us in a courtyard, but what kind of courtyard? It an Italian villa? A high-rise office building? We need to know where we are to take part in the story. I know you explained it in the first paragraph, but the first scene heading should state it.
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Three lines. This isn’t set in stone, but your lines of action and description should not run more than three lines on average, most of them should be less. This is where the term “white space” comes in, and your script is seriously lacking it. The dense writing makes for a hard read, and is usually an indication of other problems. I’ll give you an example of how you can fix this. I have pasted an excerpt from page one, below.
Heavily tattooed PRISONERS go about their daily business around the yard. Gangs have their own spots, each to be guarded at all costs. Only the DRAG QUEENS roam freely from pack to pack. Over to the side of the yard, CAPTAIN LEON GIBSON listens to the pleas of a younger PRISONER who is twitching and picking at imaginary scabs on his arms. He holds out a crumpled bill which is quickly snatched away and pocketed. Capt. Gibson snarls at the young addict and hands him a small packet. The prisoner’s eyes go wide. He takes the packet and rushes off leaving a disgusted Capt. Gibson alone for a moment before another PRISONER approaches him.
As DRAG QUEENS and heavily tattooed GANG MEMBERS go about their daily business, CAPTAIN LEON GIBSON holds out a crumpled bill to a younger PRISONER who is twitching and picking at imaginary scabs on his arms. The young addict quickly snatches it. His eyes go wide when Gibson hands him a small packet. He takes it and rushes off.
Another PRISONER approaches Gibson, who stands there in disgust.
Example two:
Wolf takes a seat on the first bench. The guard takes a chain welded to the floor and locks it to Wolf's shackles. The guard climbs out of the van and closes the door, locking it. Wolf watches the guard as he walks around the van and climbs into the driver's seat.
The guards place Wolf in a prisoner’s van and climb in after him.
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Ages. Your characters need them.
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Use active voice, not passive. Examples:
Wolf is lying = Wolf lies
are followed by John = John follows
His beard has grown considerably and is matted = His overgrown beard is matted
A CLERK is typing - A CLERK types
are passing a bottle = pass a bottle
are passing a bottle = John stands
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Watch your overuse of words. You used “quickly” 40 times, and “slowly” 72 times. Most of them you can delete altogether.
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Page 15. Why doesn’t Wolf look harder for the gun? He doesn’t strike me as very smart.
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Page 25. I haven’t felt any connection to this Wolf character yet. This far in I should care about what happens to him. My biggest pressing thought is getting through these heavily overwritten paragraphs.
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Page 42. This guy Wolf is a total dick. You totally missed a good chance with the bean scene to make him at least a bit likeable.
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Page 47. You’ve given us no indication whatsoever why this Dixie character is helping Wolf get to Mexico. Didn’t she just get kidnapped and (almost?) gang raped by three bikers in the middle of the desert? One would assume she’d want to notify the authorities immediately, regardless of whether she’s a hard-ass or not. Or at the very least, get back home.
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Your story really should begin here, when the accident happens and Wolf and Dixie team up together. The only thing that really happened before this was Wolf was in prison, and he got out.
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Page 56. Just a thought at this point. You’ve got “John” hunting down Wolf, but there are no stakes for him whether or not he finds him. I could care less whether Wolf gets away or not, and I could care less whether John captures him. You definitely need to work on your characters more.
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Page 80. Wolf spends 30 years in prison, and he can’t remember what he’s in for? I’m sorry but I’m not buying it, no matter how much time has gone by or how stupid he is.
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Page 82. This is my favorite scene of the whole screenplay, the sex scene between Wolf and Dixie, and not just because it’s a sex scene. It was very well done, and actually made me care about Wolf finally because he was so inexperienced, curious, and yet gentle and respectful. Well done on that one! Unfortunately, we need to care about Wolf long before page 82.
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Page 89. Dixie spends a couple of days in the desert with Wolf, during which time he’s a total dick most of the time, now she’s vowing to visit him in jail all the time?
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Page 92. An FBI agent leaves a live escapee whom he just shot in the desert?
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Unfortunately, I still could care less what happened to any of the characters. read -
A review of Swedish Lesbian Vampire Wonderland v3by gridlock on 04/05/2013I love your disclaimer, “Inspired by a True Story!” Totally made me not delete it. That, plus the fact that it was written by you! Okay, you nearly made me choke on my club soda on page one, but it was choking in a good way! If there is such a thing… ;) Pages 22-23. I’m not really sure what happened outside the limo. The good news is that I got this far before I even had... I love your disclaimer, “Inspired by a True Story!” Totally made me not delete it. That, plus the fact that it was written by you!
Okay, you nearly made me choke on my club soda on page one, but it was choking in a good way! If there is such a thing… ;)
Pages 22-23. I’m not really sure what happened outside the limo. The good news is that I got this far before I even had the slightest urge to take any notes. Yes, it’s that well written.
Page 41. I love the visuals as Blake smashes the CCTV!!!
I’m going to stop here for a moment and just note that the only problem I have with this script so far is in a few places I’m having a hard time visualizing the some of the locations and action. Other than that, the writing is clean, crisp, and pretty damn funny. An added bonus is there aren't any places ( so far) that you tried so hard to be funny, you made me cringe. I’d kill for that talent.
Love the body bag scenes!
I have no idea what Puz-Zee means, so the humor of all those scenes (and the running gag) were lost on me.
This was unlike anything I’ve ever reviewed before, so I apologize for the short (and pretty much useless) review. I know I liked it. It was unique. You hit all the beats in the right places. Blake had a character arc, and was a changed man at the end. And the same as at the halfway point, the only problem I had in this script was trying to visualize some of the scenes.
I’d love to know what inspired this screenplay, but I fear it may be too much information!
Best of luck with it! read
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Submissions by gridlock
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a screenplay by gridlock
A grieving mother seeks vengeance after the senseless death of her young son.
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a screenplay by gridlockGenres: drama, historicalFaced with starvation and plague in the 1850s, a mortal vampire begins to lose everyone she cares about.
Reviews by gridlock 279
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A review of The Art of Dying Daily (Revised)by gridlock on 04/12/2013I mainly concentrated on Eric, like you asked (sorry, I’m not good at dialogue). You’re right, he does fall kind of flat in this. Here are some suggestions I came up with: We need a glimpse into his personality / mind-set at the beginning, on pages 1-4. He’s dealing with Ana, but we know nothing about him. Maybe have him do something in frustration and anger after she leaves... I mainly concentrated on Eric, like you asked (sorry, I’m not good at dialogue). You’re right, he does fall kind of flat in this. Here are some suggestions I came up with:
We need a glimpse into his personality / mind-set at the beginning, on pages 1-4. He’s dealing with Ana, but we know nothing about him. Maybe have him do something in frustration and anger after she leaves. Kicks something across the room, maybe, then hurries to clean it up, as if he’s ashamed of himself for acting like that. You could also have him act a bit more hurt when she rebuffs his advances. Maybe when he opens the trash to throw the broken glass away, he finds bottles hidden under the sink. THEN he could kick something across the room.
The next Eric scene is where Ana comes home drunk, and he says you’re drunk. I’m thinking he should either be expecting this by now, or maybe he made a nice dinner, which now sits covered on the table. When she staggers in, he could get up and wordlessly dump them both in the trash and ignore her.
Page 22. By this point I know absolutely nothing about Eric, what he does for a job or to pass the time while Ana is working. It could be something that her behavior could seriously jeopardize (and play into his clean cut personality). He could be a rookie cop, scared to make a wrong move before he even gets anywhere. This would be easy to foreshadow with training manuals around the apartment and a uniform.
Page 45. When Eric comes over to have her sign the divorce papers, she could make some sort of comment about why it took him so long, he could say he was hoping things would change.
The scene where Ana shows up at Eric’s house drunk and starts bleeding is good. But we could show a more emotion on Eric’s part in that and the following scenes in regards to her condition while being pregnant. Anger that she’s being so stupid and endangering the life of her baby. Also I think he lets the girlfriend that was there leave too easily. Her exit needs a bit of conflict, even if it’s just Eric kissing her goodbye and Ana looks hurt - but only briefly (because she doesn’t really care, after all).
Anyway, I hope you can get something useful out of this. Even though the story was depressing for the most part, it did have that sliver of hope at the end, which was good! read -
A review of Wolfby gridlock on 04/09/2013I apologize in advance if this review sounds harsh. Your script needs a lot of work, and there's no way you are going to know what needs work unless someone points it out to you. I liked your concept, but unfortunately the script did not live up to it. There are three major problems that stand out to me. One: I could care less about any of your characters. Two: your scenes... I apologize in advance if this review sounds harsh. Your script needs a lot of work, and there's no way you are going to know what needs work unless someone points it out to you.
I liked your concept, but unfortunately the script did not live up to it.
There are three major problems that stand out to me. One: I could care less about any of your characters. Two: your scenes are way overwritten. Three: The structure is pretty much nonexistent.
Now for notes as I read through.
I saw a (c) next to the title “Wolf” and immediately thought this is going to be a tough screenplay to read, merely for the fact that if you aren’t aware that you can’t copyright a title, you most likely don’t know many of the other standard conventions of screenwriting as well. By halfway through page one this was basically confirmed.
----------
Your synopsis says Wolf was a prisoner for 30 of his 45 years, but then in the screenplay you say he’s been incarcerated since he was 13. I think you need to work on your math a little.
----------
First off, you start with FADE IN. Then you have us in a courtyard, but what kind of courtyard? It an Italian villa? A high-rise office building? We need to know where we are to take part in the story. I know you explained it in the first paragraph, but the first scene heading should state it.
----------
Three lines. This isn’t set in stone, but your lines of action and description should not run more than three lines on average, most of them should be less. This is where the term “white space” comes in, and your script is seriously lacking it. The dense writing makes for a hard read, and is usually an indication of other problems. I’ll give you an example of how you can fix this. I have pasted an excerpt from page one, below.
Heavily tattooed PRISONERS go about their daily business around the yard. Gangs have their own spots, each to be guarded at all costs. Only the DRAG QUEENS roam freely from pack to pack. Over to the side of the yard, CAPTAIN LEON GIBSON listens to the pleas of a younger PRISONER who is twitching and picking at imaginary scabs on his arms. He holds out a crumpled bill which is quickly snatched away and pocketed. Capt. Gibson snarls at the young addict and hands him a small packet. The prisoner’s eyes go wide. He takes the packet and rushes off leaving a disgusted Capt. Gibson alone for a moment before another PRISONER approaches him.
As DRAG QUEENS and heavily tattooed GANG MEMBERS go about their daily business, CAPTAIN LEON GIBSON holds out a crumpled bill to a younger PRISONER who is twitching and picking at imaginary scabs on his arms. The young addict quickly snatches it. His eyes go wide when Gibson hands him a small packet. He takes it and rushes off.
Another PRISONER approaches Gibson, who stands there in disgust.
Example two:
Wolf takes a seat on the first bench. The guard takes a chain welded to the floor and locks it to Wolf's shackles. The guard climbs out of the van and closes the door, locking it. Wolf watches the guard as he walks around the van and climbs into the driver's seat.
The guards place Wolf in a prisoner’s van and climb in after him.
----------
Ages. Your characters need them.
----------
Use active voice, not passive. Examples:
Wolf is lying = Wolf lies
are followed by John = John follows
His beard has grown considerably and is matted = His overgrown beard is matted
A CLERK is typing - A CLERK types
are passing a bottle = pass a bottle
are passing a bottle = John stands
----------
Watch your overuse of words. You used “quickly” 40 times, and “slowly” 72 times. Most of them you can delete altogether.
----------
Page 15. Why doesn’t Wolf look harder for the gun? He doesn’t strike me as very smart.
----------
Page 25. I haven’t felt any connection to this Wolf character yet. This far in I should care about what happens to him. My biggest pressing thought is getting through these heavily overwritten paragraphs.
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Page 42. This guy Wolf is a total dick. You totally missed a good chance with the bean scene to make him at least a bit likeable.
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Page 47. You’ve given us no indication whatsoever why this Dixie character is helping Wolf get to Mexico. Didn’t she just get kidnapped and (almost?) gang raped by three bikers in the middle of the desert? One would assume she’d want to notify the authorities immediately, regardless of whether she’s a hard-ass or not. Or at the very least, get back home.
----------
Your story really should begin here, when the accident happens and Wolf and Dixie team up together. The only thing that really happened before this was Wolf was in prison, and he got out.
----------
Page 56. Just a thought at this point. You’ve got “John” hunting down Wolf, but there are no stakes for him whether or not he finds him. I could care less whether Wolf gets away or not, and I could care less whether John captures him. You definitely need to work on your characters more.
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Page 80. Wolf spends 30 years in prison, and he can’t remember what he’s in for? I’m sorry but I’m not buying it, no matter how much time has gone by or how stupid he is.
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Page 82. This is my favorite scene of the whole screenplay, the sex scene between Wolf and Dixie, and not just because it’s a sex scene. It was very well done, and actually made me care about Wolf finally because he was so inexperienced, curious, and yet gentle and respectful. Well done on that one! Unfortunately, we need to care about Wolf long before page 82.
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Page 89. Dixie spends a couple of days in the desert with Wolf, during which time he’s a total dick most of the time, now she’s vowing to visit him in jail all the time?
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Page 92. An FBI agent leaves a live escapee whom he just shot in the desert?
----------
Unfortunately, I still could care less what happened to any of the characters. read -
A review of Swedish Lesbian Vampire Wonderland v3by gridlock on 04/05/2013I love your disclaimer, “Inspired by a True Story!” Totally made me not delete it. That, plus the fact that it was written by you! Okay, you nearly made me choke on my club soda on page one, but it was choking in a good way! If there is such a thing… ;) Pages 22-23. I’m not really sure what happened outside the limo. The good news is that I got this far before I even had... I love your disclaimer, “Inspired by a True Story!” Totally made me not delete it. That, plus the fact that it was written by you!
Okay, you nearly made me choke on my club soda on page one, but it was choking in a good way! If there is such a thing… ;)
Pages 22-23. I’m not really sure what happened outside the limo. The good news is that I got this far before I even had the slightest urge to take any notes. Yes, it’s that well written.
Page 41. I love the visuals as Blake smashes the CCTV!!!
I’m going to stop here for a moment and just note that the only problem I have with this script so far is in a few places I’m having a hard time visualizing the some of the locations and action. Other than that, the writing is clean, crisp, and pretty damn funny. An added bonus is there aren't any places ( so far) that you tried so hard to be funny, you made me cringe. I’d kill for that talent.
Love the body bag scenes!
I have no idea what Puz-Zee means, so the humor of all those scenes (and the running gag) were lost on me.
This was unlike anything I’ve ever reviewed before, so I apologize for the short (and pretty much useless) review. I know I liked it. It was unique. You hit all the beats in the right places. Blake had a character arc, and was a changed man at the end. And the same as at the halfway point, the only problem I had in this script was trying to visualize some of the scenes.
I’d love to know what inspired this screenplay, but I fear it may be too much information!
Best of luck with it! read -
A review of Hometownby gridlock on 04/01/2013My first thought upon starting your screenplay was you could seriously cut down on the description. The following passage alone (at 55 words, from page 1) is a perfect example: SANDRA (39) carries a great bowl of potato salad to the potluck table, already brimming with different casseroles and deserts. She finds an open spot and nestles the bowl onto the table, placing a... My first thought upon starting your screenplay was you could seriously cut down on the description. The following passage alone (at 55 words, from page 1) is a perfect example:
SANDRA (39) carries a great bowl of potato salad to the potluck table, already brimming with different casseroles and deserts. She finds an open spot and nestles the bowl onto the table, placing a serving spoon into the salad. Current task accomplished, Sandra bustles to the next dish, tossing greens, stirring dips, and cutting pies.
SANDRA (39) nestles a bowl of potato salad in between casseroles and deserts on the potluck table, then moves on to tossing greens, stirring dips and cutting pies.
You don’t lose anything by economizing like this, and the white space is an incentive for readers and reviews to keep reading your script. You don’t want them rolling their eyes from page one wondering if it’s going to be overwritten like this.
Flat priest joke on page 4. We all know they know no boundaries when it comes to boundaries.
I’m glad Larry got dumped. What a presumptuous jerk!
Page 27. Why would Sandra yell Calvin? Didn’t she just basically put his life in danger by doing that?
Page 31. I’m not liking the way you use the protagonist being gay. It’s not organic, meaning his gayness is being used merely as a plot device, which in some scripts is okay, but it’s just not working in this one.
Page 33. Calvin kills him mom just like that, because she called him a name out of fright and anger? I think you maybe have to show Calvin torturing animals or small children or something before this to foreshadow that he has it in him. Right now it’s just not logical for him to snap like that, and admitting you’re gay and having your mom not accept it isn’t a reason.
I really like this Billy in sort of a “he makes a cool psycho” sort of way. Not that I’d want to invite him over for dinner or anything. But why is he actually there?
Page 50. Maybe I missed something, but this is the first mention of snow that I remember seeing. If there weren’t any before this, you might want to go back and let us know there is snow sooner.
Page 56. I’d buy Larry going to save his son if there was a better reason for his son to go all psycho on his mom. And Billy, even though he’s an awesome nut-job, needs a motive even if it’s all in his own head.
Page 70. So now Calvin suddenly turns into a rapist because he’s gay?
Now that I got to the end, my biggest problem with this script is your character’s motivations, mainly Calvin’s and Billy’s. Everyone else’s can basically be explained by the events going on around them. Once you get this tweaked, the rest will fall right in to place. read -
A review of Thicker Than Waterby gridlock on 03/13/2013This was a very well written story. The main thing I had an issue with was Jacob’s speech, noted in detail as I read through, below. You might want to consider turning this into a short script. It might attract the attention of a producer or two. Notes as I read through (warning, this contains spoilers): Page 2. What could Leo possibly “need” from Anna after that touching... This was a very well written story. The main thing I had an issue with was Jacob’s speech, noted in detail as I read through, below. You might want to consider turning this into a short script. It might attract the attention of a producer or two.
Notes as I read through (warning, this contains spoilers):
Page 2. What could Leo possibly “need” from Anna after that touching moment with Jacob that brought tears to his eyes?
Page 3. You’re doing a good job of building up the suspense about Leo.
Page 4. I’m wondering if Anna is supposed to be worried about Joe not being home yet. If so, you might want to have her peer out the window and at the clock more, or maybe get excited about footsteps in the apartment hallway only to have them keep walking past her door.
Page 6. I think you could delete the “Pete from school” from Jacob’s comment. After three kids and five grandchildren, I’m pretty sure a seven year old would just assume the adult knew who Pete was, and if they didn’t they’d ask.
Page 7. You need to fix this punctuation: He kept running between the desks and Mrs. Grant – “ he laughed, “She couldn’t catch him.”
Page 9. So was Leo involved? Very mysterious, and builds a great sense of anticipation.
Page 10. So Leo was involved. I like the dark air of mystery and “bad boy” image he portrays while at the same time caring and family oriented. A very likeable criminal.
Page 11. This sounds a bit too expository: He counted on his fingers as he went down his list. “It was my plan, I chose the men, I executed the plan, and it went as smooth as ice.”
An alternate suggestion: I told you if I took over handling the details it would go smooth as ice.”
Page 14. It might flow smoother if Jacob merely said (a bit indignantly), “I’m almost eight.”
Page 15. Jacob asks: “May I use the men’s room?” I guess if he is precocious and bright he might speak that way. Otherwise for a seven year old boy it would sound more natural if he said, “Is there a bathroom here?”
Page 18. Why haven’t they searched the entire restaurant or checked outside? This is a pretty big plot hole that goes a long way toward believability.
Page 19. I’m also not buying this dialogue from Jacob: “Officer Flynn, I could tell by the way you asked me about my baseball cards that you’re a real fan.” … “I don’t want you to make my dad’s life unhappy, so if you agree not to do that, I’ll give you something in return. Here. It’s yours.” It’s too formal, stiff and carries more adult-like undertones. You could convey the same message in a more age appropriate manner.
Page 20. The ending rocked! I like that both Leo and Anna wanted two different things for their son, and the reveal of which way he was heading. Very nicely done. read -
A review of "WOW! Never Expected That!"by gridlock on 12/24/2012"DECEMBER 21st" by Justin O'Hanley (J. O'Hanley) I liked this one. Frank is worried about Christmas, but the Mayans are raining hell all around him outside. I especially liked this one because I spent the 21st in the Yucatan Peninsula with the Mayans, so I’m glad this one was first. You might want to consider changing the title, though, because it totally gave the surprise... "DECEMBER 21st" by Justin O'Hanley (J. O'Hanley)
I liked this one. Frank is worried about Christmas, but the Mayans are raining hell all around him outside. I especially liked this one because I spent the 21st in the Yucatan Peninsula with the Mayans, so I’m glad this one was first. You might want to consider changing the title, though, because it totally gave the surprise away.
"THE BRIEFCASE" by Bruce Rose (brrose)
Page 6. Rachel says watch. Does she mean watch it? This one seemed a little dry at the beginning, but the writing was more lively towards the end. You could really ramp up the “wow” moment by having Scott drop some poison into her Champagne glass to off her as well. He could drop the envelope as he falls into a heap. Rachel could convulse when she swigs the champagne.
"ANTI-HERO" by Steven Hale (AlCielo)
This one had a cute ending. I could picture the look on Robinson’s face as Superzombie swoops in and decimates the day. I’m not really comfortable with the Down Syndrome boy being played as an idiot, though. A nice added twist might have had him playing Robinson’s role instead.
"SIT ON MY FACE" by Ralph Wescott (brokenarrow)
Strange tale, I didn’t really get what was going on until about half way through. The face sitting was unclear the second time, that one seemed just for sex, while the first time was for “survival” I’m guessing? And the third time was just sarcasm. Or at least that’s my take on it. The camera crew filming it was a nice twist.
"SPEED DATE: 2 FOR 1" by David C Benoit (Magnet360)
The speed dating dialogue was a bit sappy and dry, and I could see the twist a mile away. Is there any way you could add something to it to make it less expected and more of a surprise? I’d make a suggestion, but I’m not really sure how I’d approach it. The penis comment seemed un-necessary, though, like it was stuck in there for the “wow” factor, but it didn’t really add anything.
"BINARY GAMES" by Richard C Crossley (gapoz)
This one was very well written and fast paced. I did not see the twist coming, and it was a good one at that. Job well done. I could easily see this one expanded into something longer.
"WHAT A BITCH!" by Ian Schneider (ischneid87)
I liked this one. A lot. I don’t know whether it was the good writing style, the smooth way if flowed, or the dangerously flawed characters that I actually had sympathy for. But all combined, they made for one heck of an interesting short. The “wow” factor was totally unexpected as well.
"BLIND-SIDED DATE" by Tracy C Wolfe (grey)
I love the waitress rolling her eyes, I would have done the same thing! You have some great stuff in here, from the Lipitor zinger to the too cheap to leave tips comment. The old couple at the end adds a nice tough to the twist, which I did kind of see coming (only I thought it was Asa, not the waitress). Well done on this one.
"FIRST LOVE" by Pierre Langenegger (heylang)
I think I missed something here. I kind of knew where this was leading, but I’m not sure what happened at the end. Was Detective Johnson turned on by the perv and wants to have sex with him? I guess that would be the twist, but it’s kind of creepy.
"DRIVEN" by Ryan Maher (Ryan Maher)
I had to read this a couple of times to get it. Once I did get it, I understood what you were doing, but it still feels like something could be tweaked, I just can’t put my finger on it. Otherwise the writing itself is good.
"SOUL HUNT" by Lizz-Ayn Shaarawi (lizzayn)
This one is very well written, and I could easily visualize it on the screen, which made it even better. You have a knack for combining folk-lore with creepy and pulling it off!
"DINNER" by Mark Zakeri (MarkZak26)
Do you mean homey in the opening scene? You need to watch your grammar in sentences: “At the kitchen table sits TINA (17), purple tinted hair, nose ring, looks agitated.” It might sound better like this: “TINA (17), purple tinted hair, nose ring, sits at the kitchen table looking agitated.” This one had a good twist on it. I expected the ending to happen the way it did sort of, but I miscalculated who would eat who. The “not one of mine” comment was perfect. It hinted at a twist, but didn’t give it away. Well done!
"DARK TERROR" by David Brough (D J Sheridan)
I’m not quite sure what happened in the church, but this one was pretty cool. Sort of reminds me of a nightmare or two I’ve had myself when I was younger!
"SWING LOW" by Anthony Furlong (tony1975)
This one was interesting. The only tweak I can suggest is maybe foreshadow the cowboy sooner. We’ve got mobsters and blacks, which doesn’t really fit with cowboys. I don’t think you’d give anything away by doing that, and it would make the twist at the ending make more sense.
"ODESSA" by Doug Johnson (postmortem)
I read this one before it was submitted, and I really liked it. The border scene was a nice twist, as was the whole reason why they were going for gas. This one was very well done.
"BATTLE FOR THE LAST PLANET" by Carl Salminen (GameArs)
I must confess I’m not very good at reviewing science fiction type screenplays, but I gave this one a go, and it’s quite good. I think you can do without this part, though: “The bridge of the Mayflower 2 could be right out of a Star Trek movie.” I got the Star Trek feel from the writing style alone. Haha, no I did not expect the ending (nor the question). Very well done, and even a non-science fiction writer like myself enjoyed it! read -
A review of Three Blind Miceby gridlock on 12/12/2012Concept: I also liked the logline, that’s the only reason I didn’t hit delete when I saw how overwritten this was. In spite of all the heavy writing, I really liked this story. I think you have something here! Character: I like the character of Isobel. She seemed sympathetic, especially because it was in her nature to investigate the bruises on Bruno’s arm. Dialogue: The... Concept: I also liked the logline, that’s the only reason I didn’t hit delete when I saw how overwritten this was. In spite of all the heavy writing, I really liked this story. I think you have something here!
Character: I like the character of Isobel. She seemed sympathetic, especially because it was in her nature to investigate the bruises on Bruno’s arm.
Dialogue: The dialogue was very well done. I think you handled the language issue well too, going back and forth from French to English.
Story: I liked the opening scene, although I have no idea what it has to do with the rest of the story. There’s a lot of good tension in this story, but sometimes it seems like we go long stretches before anything interesting happens. And I’m not sure why Isobel didn’t just leave after she found out the former au pair was murdered by her boss.
Structure: You hit the beats on the head for the most part. I especially like the midpoint, when Isobel finds out from Beth that the former au pair for the family she is working for went missing.
Overall: I liked it a lot. The twist at the end that it’s Madeleine that was the psycho and not the husband wasn’t exactly earth shaking, but it was still good nonetheless.
Things that need work:
You can cut a lot of the parentheticals in the dialogue. Only use them if the tone is unclear. You’ve gone into overkill with the novelesque writing, which is fine for a book, but for a screenplay this took forever to read. The next time you do a rewrite on this, try and create some more white space by shortening your descriptive sentences. read -
A review of Splinteredby gridlock on 11/30/2012I'm thinking you already used up all your review points on this, and since I did a freebie, I'll grab a point since it means mean you won't lose anything. I liked what you were trying to do with the "different" people and the unexplained alarms. I think this story might have worked a little better, though, in hindsight without all the infinity symbols, as they kind of threw... I'm thinking you already used up all your review points on this, and since I did a freebie, I'll grab a point since it means mean you won't lose anything. I liked what you were trying to do with the "different" people and the unexplained alarms. I think this story might have worked a little better, though, in hindsight without all the infinity symbols, as they kind of threw me off of the real purpose for the story. And in the end, they didn't really lead to anything except being related to that new drug they were testing. But I really liked this story, and I think it hads a lot of potential, especially the aspect about being in a coma and yet taking part in live events. Or at least thinking you are. This is a very unique hook, one which makes the story worth pursuing! read
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A review of Magic Eyeby gridlock on 11/27/2012I’m not sure why I got this assigned since it was submitted in 2003, but it was in my assignment box and there were credits attached, so you have a review. I’m sorry I wish I could have been more positive with this, but it really needs a lot of work. Writing Essentials Spelling, grammar and punctuation: The grammar and spelling seemed okay for the most part. The punctuation... I’m not sure why I got this assigned since it was submitted in 2003, but it was in my assignment box and there were credits attached, so you have a review. I’m sorry I wish I could have been more positive with this, but it really needs a lot of work.
Writing Essentials
Spelling, grammar and punctuation: The grammar and spelling seemed okay for the most part. The punctuation is all over the board, especially in the dialogue. Be consistent with your ellipses. You also use a lot more commas than necessary.
Format: This is pretty sloppy from the get-go. You have FADE IN at the bottom of the title page rather than at the top of the next page where it belongs. This in turn makes all your page numbers off by an eighth of a page.
Narrative: You use a lot of passive voice rather than active, which makes your scenes less exciting. “Paul walks” sounds a lot better than “Paul begins to walk.” Changing your voice to active will make your action passages stand out. Also you over-describe a lot of actions, facial expressions, etc.
Scene construction, placement and rhythm: I honestly have no idea what happened in the first five pages. It was obviously some sort of dream sequence, but it’s baffling and not a very good way to introduce us to your protagonist. I have no idea who to focus on. By “dots’ do you mean that everything in the scene pixelates? I can actually picture it when described as pixelating, but by using the word dots, it’s a bit unclear what you mean. On a brighter note, I can see what you’re trying to do with this. I think the underlying scenes might make more sense if you did the headings differently.
Dialogue:
Does the script contain natural, realistic dialogue? The dialogue it in passive voice, on the nose, and expository. This needs a lot of work.
Was the dialogue vibrant, fresh and original? No.
Was there a distinctive voice for each character? No.
Was overt exposition avoided? No.
Characters:
How compelling is the protagonist? He’s not very compelling at all. He just kind of floats along as things happen to him. He doesn’t change or actively make things happen.
Is the character arc well-rendered? There’s none whatsoever.
Were there vivid and distinctive supporting roles? The second Sedacco would have to be the most interesting character of all, if I had to pick one. It really should be Paul.
Plot:
How engaging is the overall concept? At the moment, not very.
How well defined are the plot points and act breaks? The major ones I could pick out. But the smaller ones in between need work.
Act One: How well are the characters and conflicts set up? The beginning starts out one big jumbled mess, but it improves by the act one break. Paul must come up with some money, so we know what’s propelling him on his journey in act two.
Act Two: Does tension mount? Is the midpoint effective? Fighting over meatballs at the Olive Garden does nothing to move the story along, and it took up quite a few pages. There’s some tension with ben and Sedacco and Paul, when Ben thinks his wife is going to get hurt. But that doesn’t happen until a good ways into act two. The two nosy women scene was a bit weird, especially since there was no real feeling of danger or anything yet. You also have Ben scratching his head a lot. The murder scene makes a good halfway point. You seem to have your beats defined, but you need to ramp up what happens in between them. The action and excitement finally picks up in the second half of act two, and your writing here improves by leaps and bounds as well. The imposter is a good twist.
Act Three: Is the conclusion emotionally satisfying? Paul is now on a quest to find out what the heck is going on. Frankly, so aren’t I. I’ve gotten this far without a real sense of Paul’s purpose in this whole story. There’s a second romantic scene with Gretta, but there’s no real sense he was ever longing for her. In fact, she was nonexistent for most of the script. You need to make Paul a more active participant in his own story instead of just having things happen to him. He really has no character arch to speak of. He’s exactly the same at the end as he was in the beginning, even right down to the unexplained dots. I would suggest explaining these at some point in the story.
Originality:
Does the author exhibit a fresh and original style? This definitely contains a fresh and original style, but you need to make it a little less confusing so it will appeal (and make sense) to more readers.
Are the characters and situations unique? The characters are all stereotypical, unfortunately. I’ve seen them dozens of times in other screenplays, including some of my own early ones. They even have some of the same names. The situation with the visions or dreams or hallucinations or whatever they are, however, are unique. That makes this a screenplay that’s worth working on some more.
Does the author create innovative visual imagery? There is an attempt here, and it could work with some fine tuning. Right now it’s just too damn confusing.
Does the story leave a lasting impression? At the moment, not really a good one.
Marketability:
Does the script have an easily defined hook? Not really. This is just a guy who has shitty luck in life and sees things. I don’t have any empathy or sympathy for him, which is unfortunate.
Does the script have potential to attract top talent to the roles? Maybe with a few serious rewrites on it.
Does the script have a target audience? People who like crime and mobster movies I’m thinking.
Does the script have potential in a particular market? In the above mentioned market, yes with some revisions. read -
A review of The Fraudulent Mrs. Bigleyby gridlock on 11/14/2012What I liked: The synopsis sucked me right in. I love a good true story with lots of drama and intrigue. The transition scene at the bank in Boston was very well done, where you have Newton morphing into Mrs. Chadwick in the chair. Good ruse where she marches into the house and comes back out with the note, and then “drops” it. This woman is conniving, but sharp. The character... What I liked: The synopsis sucked me right in. I love a good true story with lots of drama and intrigue. The transition scene at the bank in Boston was very well done, where you have Newton morphing into Mrs. Chadwick in the chair. Good ruse where she marches into the house and comes back out with the note, and then “drops” it. This woman is conniving, but sharp. The character of Channing makes a good dupe. I’ve done a “based on a true story” script before, and it’s hard to fit the story and people involved into the required beats that make up a screenplay. You did a good job with this. Your writing is lean and not overwritten. Cassie does a good job at midpoint giving them the slip. This is a fun read and it’s moving right along. I like the way Wyndham attacks Newton in the end for charging thirty-five percent interest to a woman. Interesting twist against the prosecution’s case. All in all I found this a fun, quick read, and was very interested in what she did, and how she did it. I liked that you made us wait to find out everything. The structure on this was superb.
What needs work: As much as I liked the story and think you did a great job with it, I still felt like something was missing something, most notably Cassie’s motivation, and her relationship with her son. I know you tell us why she felt she needed so much money, and back this up with a scene where she tries to fit in with the rich folks, but could you maybe put in another scene where we see Cassie in a more personal moment that reflects this? I’d also like to see Cassie and her son on a deeper level, just so I can connect with her more. Maybe she was forever trying to make up for leaving him as a child? Show them interacting, not someone else telling us about it. I think a little creative license would be acceptable here.
For some minor issues, the script has a few misspelled and missing words, and some minor spacing issues. The scene headings need some work as well, especially on the first few pages.
Dialogue: I had to give this its own special section. I like it, it’s not too wordy and moves the story right along. It gives a lot information without seeming overly expository, which is a hard skill to master (because it was basically an investigation, you can get away with it more). But there is one small issue I have with it. It’s way too on the nose, making all your characters sound exactly the same. Words like they are, I am, and he is sound more natural when spoken as they’re, I’m, he’s, etc. This would improve your dialogue tremendously.
Some minor nit-picking:
Page 44: Gloria reads a paper article titled, “BODY FOUND ALONG RIVER!”. Her face is badly bruised from the attack. This is a very confusing passage. It makes it sound like the body’s face is bruised from the attack.
Page 87. Do you mean the return address?
The end: Try not to leave THE END hanging over onto the next page.
read
Comments About gridlock 398
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johnnyb2124 on 05/18/2013
Thank you for the thank you and I do look forward to reading Storm Lake in another draft or two. You're definitely a good writer! -
TheLastGlance on 04/12/2013
Thank you so much, JD. Your review is very helpful and you bring up lots of good suggestions. And YOU not good at dialogue? I beg to differ! You are extremely talented and I greatly appreciate your eye for quality.
Thanks again,
Brittany :) -
TheLastGlance on 04/11/2013
Hey! To be called a good writer by you is awesome since I'm such a big fan of your work! If you wouldn't mind, I would like some thoughts on how I can enhance my character Eric. Especially in the first scenes. I feel like his appearances are rather flat right now. Also, any areas where I may be able to tighten my dialogue would be appreciated as well. Thanks again! :) -
Scott Chamberlain on 04/05/2013
Haha. Thanks for the kind words. Oh.. and Puz-zee? You just have to imagine Animal from the Muppets saying he wants some "pussy". -
Scott Chamberlain on 04/05/2013
Wow. Ocean Snow has five stars! You rock, JD. Thanks for the review of SLVW. I'm going to go back and check my action description. Thanks for the tip off. In terms of reality... this comes from a newspaper article that was actually the subject of a thread here on TS. Here's a link.. http://thenextweb.com/asia/2009/10/09/seeking-swedish-lesbians-chinese-are-crippling-isps/ We men can be sooo stupid sometimes. Really hope you get some interest from Ocean Snow. It (and you) deserves it! Cheers -
Wapner16 on 04/02/2013
Thank you so much for your review! My script still needs a lot of work and it's great to get a review that can get down to what the real problems are and reveal the cracks.
Again, thank you and and keep up the good work!
Charly -
karlasbryant on 03/14/2013
Thanks very much for your thoughtful, detailed comments about my short story, "Thicker Than Water". I wanted Jacob to sound precocious, but not to the point of stretching the reader's ability to believe in it. I'll certainly take your suggestions into consideration when I make my revisions.
Thanks again,
Karla -
happywash on 02/08/2013
Oh, and the Hoodie/Cop scene? Actually, it was the cop keeping Riley from finding out who Hoodie is. He already had Hoodie on the ground (and, of course, gunfire will attract police). Just thought you'd like to know. Anyhoo... Thanks! -
happywash on 02/08/2013
Thanks for reading my script! Yeah, "Ginger" is a red-headed person. South Park did a whole episode about "gingers" having no soul, etc. I thought it was very funny, and I've heard of it in other places. I was also trying to bring a hyper-realistic style to it (Red Headed guy named Blaze- who dies in a fire, Creeper Peeper, FLILF, manly fanny pack, some other descriptions). I'm working on this with my writing group as we speak to get more clarity. And thanks again about Broken. It is my baby. I just hope the company that has it will do it justice (if it does get made). This is my action writing sample. I appreciate all your comments. Have a great weekend! -
happywash on 02/04/2013
That made my night!
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Comments About gridlock 398
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Thank you for the thank you and I do look forward to reading Storm Lake in another draft or two. You're definitely a good writer!
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Thank you so much, JD. Your review is very helpful and you bring up lots of good suggestions. And YOU not good at dialogue? I beg to differ! You are extremely talented and I greatly appreciate your eye for quality.
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Hey! To be called a good writer by you is awesome since I'm such a big fan of your work! If you wouldn't mind, I would like some thoughts on how I can enhance my character Eric. Especially in the first scenes. I feel like his appearances are rather flat right now. Also, any areas where I may be able to tighten my dialogue would be appreciated as well. Thanks again! :)
+ more commentsjohnnyb2124 on 05/18/2013
TheLastGlance on 04/12/2013
Thanks again,
Brittany :)
TheLastGlance on 04/11/2013